Week 173: Dead Reckoning


Cal Ripken Jr. to Lou Gehrig:

"Wouldn't you have just died for a day off? Er, ah, I mean . . ."

This Week's Contest was suggested by a B. Fitzgerald, who appears to live only on the Internet and whose gender and home town cannot reliably be determined. B. wins a realistic plastic salad. In honor of Hillary Clinton's conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt, B. suggests you propose a question that might be asked by a living celebrity to a famous dead person. You must name the living person, name the dead person, and tell us the question. First-prize winner gets a genuine inflatable plastic Mona Lisa ("WARNING: THIS PRODUCT NOT TO BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE." MADE IN TAIWAN) suitable for hanging on one's wall if one were, say, a Ringling Bros. clown married to a Vegas pit boss. It is worth $ 25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 173, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Linda Perlstein of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 170, The Smile Invitational, in which we drew five cartoons and asked you to explain why the people were smiling.

Twelve entries said Cartoon A was a scene from Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room.

Fifth Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Possible proud father waits to see Madonna's baby. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown)

Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Jennifer realizes she can apply for an NEA grant simply by changing the name of her artwork from "Dot" to "Come See My Period." (Richard Wong, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The National Park Service's sketch artist proudly displays her depiction of the Million Man March. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Ladies' restrooms are rarely found at construction sites, often forcing female workers to be creative. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg)

First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Another victim of the Chap Stick-Krazy Glue product-tampering incident waits despairingly in the emergency room. (David Genser, Vienna; Sandra Hull, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Electronic Remote-Controlled Fart Machine:

(Cartoon E) Mrs. Kaczynski gets a card from her thoughtful son. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

Cartoon A:

He was on ValuJet standby. (Frank Thompson, Vienna; Alex Neill, Washington; Sandra Hull, Arlington)

He has just realized that 98 x 6 equals the height of the Great Pyramid in cubits and that Ezekiel 108 thereby foretells the coming of the psychological subjugation mechanism called for by the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, just as Reverend Farrakhan has been trying to warn us all along. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

This man is Russian. It is the shortest line he has seen in years. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoon B:

She is smiling because Jesse Helms still hasn't found out about the hole in his dressing room wall. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

Mrs. Pollin is pleased that her design for the Wizards' new insignia has been selected. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg)

Just when the art show attendees have had it up to here with her bad puns, the art teacher proclaims, "This is a self-portrait of one of my favorite pupils." (Steve Daly, Reston)

Cartoon C:

Two words: Clean underwear. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Marion Barry demonstrates that the pothole-plagued roads are, in fact, drivable. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown)

An inveterate jokester, Jim chuckled in anticipation of someone asking, "Have an accident?" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

He is reminded of an Andrew Dice Clay joke whenever he sees "Bangor" on a road sign. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

It caused him to crash, but he was really excited to find a woman from the Mitsubishi assembly line still inside his car. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon D:

Although she had to keep after them doggedly, Rebecca finally got the city to fill the pothole in front of her house in the District. (David Genser, Vienna)

Lucretia has found a quick and easy way to get the "hard body" she's dreamed of. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Her mom was right. A mixer was a good place to meet men. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

After the most recent incident, Ringling Bros. decided to spring for contact lenses for Hannah the Happy Human Cannonball. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Cartoon E:

Hillary explains how the Whitewater files got on the table. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown)

Next week: On Second Thought...