Week 172: Poedtry


The mail doth come and go
Silent, speedy, gentle.
Yellowish envelope?
Interdepartmental!

Bang! Boom! Squish! Pop! Fizz! Bleat!
Writing Requires Ideas
Excepting:
Onomatopoeias.

Oh, Pain Whips Through My Gut,
Never Passing, Unlike
Quarterback Unitas.
Diverticulitis.

This Week's Contest is something new: an entire poetic form, making its global debut in the Style Invitational. Inspired by Adelaide Crapsey's wretched cinquains, Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville has created the poetic form above, which he calls "Poeds," as in "Poems by Ed." The rules are that the first line must be contain only six words of one syllable each; the second line, three words of two syllables each; the third line, two words of three syllables each, and the final line a single word of six syllables. At least two lines must rhyme. The general subject matter should be mundane. We love this art form. Ed wins a splendid prize: The Squirming Half-Rat Snack, which, when placed in the mouth, makes it look as though the user is devouring a live rat, head first. ("Use your tongue to move the button and the tail will wiggle and twitch! Made in Taiwan.") The best poed wins a vintage roll of Jimmy Carter toilet paper, circa 1978, a value of $ 25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 172, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads, and to acknowledge continued niggling over the results of the rock lyric contest. Ardent defenders of Cream claim Eric Clapton and Jack Bruce were singing "I'll be with you till the seas are dry," not "till my seeds are dried up," and Rod Stewart fanatics contend Rod was growling "let your imagination run wild," not "inhibitions." Folks, you think we don't check this stuff? Both lyrics, as we wrote them, were correct. And awful. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 169, in which we asked you to tell us the differences between any two of 15 items we named.

David Kleinbard of Chevy Chase gets The Style Invitational's third Blind T-shirt Award. This prestigious award celebrates "Entries Worthy of Prizes but So Unspeakably Vile They Cannot Be Uttered Near Humans or Even Sensitive Dogs, Let Alone Printed in a Newspaper Famed for Its Distinguished Coverage of Serious Global Issues Such as International Quotas on the Production of Feldspar." Congratulations, David. We are sending you a T-shirt. When friends ask you what you won it for, you can tell them your fine joke. Then you can find new friends.

Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and the Titanic? You can't play shuffleboard on the Titanic anymore. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Barbra Streisand's behind? One has absolutely no influence on the Clinton White House. (Harry B. Heisler, Washington)

Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Marion Barry's brain? The Pacer would be somewhat affected by local road conditions. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between the Titanic and "Mission: Impossible"? The Titanic had a short cruise with a really bad end. "Mission: Impossible" has a short Cruise with a pretty darn attractive end. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a chain saw and Directory Assistance? 500. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

And the winner of the Gerald Ford commemorative plate:

What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and a chain saw? With a chain saw, you can actually HEAR the buzz. (David Smith, Greenbelt)

Honorable Mentions:

What is the difference between a chain saw and Marion Barry's brain? A chain saw cuts dead wood. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What is the difference between Mount Everest and Joe Camel? Most third-graders have heard of Joe Camel. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What is the difference between a horse with no name and Marion's Barry's brain? All that snorting hasn't hurt the horse. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Barbra Streisand's behind? Eddie is not Lumpy. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and a chain saw? You want to get a chain saw started. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

What is the difference between a chain saw and Eddie Haskell? A chain saw makes life EASIER for the beaver. (James Ascher, Alexandria)

What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Barbra Streisand's behind? The Pacer only SEEMS to get wider with time. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Dilbert's necktie? Dilbert can never get his tie to stay in his pants. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's brain? Eddie Haskell doesn't get picked on by Whitey. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

What is the difference between "Mission: Impossible" and Barbra Streisand's behind? "Mission: Impossible" has an unnecessary colon. (Don White, Frederick; Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and Marion Barry's brain? The first is a tuchus. The second took us. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and "Mission: Impossible"? The latter had an outstanding Landau version. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)

What is the difference between the Titanic and Marion Barry's brain? The Titanic only hit bottom once. (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring)

What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Mount Everest? One is considered by experts to be the highest place in the world, and the other is in the Himalayas. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

What is the difference between Mount Everest and Romantic Downtown Hyattsville? Mount Everest has more good restaurants. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between Joe Camel and a horse with no name? Joe Camel is not an anagram of "the nose hair woman." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and the Titanic? It's easier to find parts for the Titanic. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Vance Greer, Sterling)

What is the difference between the Red Line and Marion Barry's brain? One goes through Rockville, the other has gone through a lot of rock. (David Genser, Vienna)

What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Directory Assistance? Eddie Haskell is less patronizing. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And last:

What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's Brain? Eddie was always getting THE BEAVER in trouble, while . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie; Bob Sorensen, Herndon)