Week 171: On Second Thought . . .


This Week's Contest: Ideas that never got off the drawing board, for good reason. In short, bright ideas that lost their luster the following morning, upon sober reflection. Any sort of idea -- a commercial product, a business strategy, a philosophy of life, etc. -- is acceptable. First-prize winner gets a three-masted schooner made entirely from Coors beer cans, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 171, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. To the many people who have been writing imploring us to tell them what The Ear No One Reads is, we say: It's right across from The R No One Notices. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 168, in which you were asked to come up with a 'what is' joke resulting in a pun on someone's name.

The winner of the moose-poop swizzle sticks for inventing a name for the genre of joke is Marty Madden of Prince Frederick. Marty says they are 'Czar-casms.'

Third Runner-Up: Which rock star's career took off quickly but then crashed and burned? Joan Valu-Jett. (Shawn A. Farrell, Bowie)

Second Runner-Up: What revolutionary leader led his guerrilla forces while wearing an evening gown and a string of pearls? Che Edgar Hoover. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

First Runner-Up: Who steals from the rich and mismanages the proceeds? Robin HUD. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville, Md.)

And the Winner of the JFK rug:

Who wrote "The Hatchback of Notre Dame?" Victor Yugo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Honorable Mentions:

Who designed an operating system that can run even with a dead mother board? Norman Gates. (Michael Tharp, Phoenix)

What famous naturalist is known for painting thunderbirds, eagles, falcons and skylarks? James Autobahn. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville)

What do you call a silly person, place, or thing? Bozo the Noun. (Jean Sorensen, Herdon)

Which Greek philosopher sought to mold the minds of men? Play-Doh. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Who is 'The Queen of the Continent'? Urethra Franklin. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

Who told President Clinton that there is a very, very bad cold on the heart of the presidency? George Staphanopoulos. (David Genser, Vienna) Who believes in assisted suicide by driving a Chrysler back and forth over the body? Dr. Kerkorian. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Whose route home to his birthplace is lined with people trying to catch and kill him? Salmon Rushdie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Which NFL quarterback is most adept at reading the minds of the defense? Steve Jung. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What president managed to polish his tarnished reputation? Richard Noxon. (Joan Schloo, Rockville)

Who wrote "The Goose-Step of the Last Minstrel?" Sir Walter Schott. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Which monarch became so fat and bloated that his castle had to be remodeled to accommodate his corpulence? King Henry Ate, House of Two-Door. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Who is Inspector 007 at the tuna factory? Sean Cannery. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

What little girl intentionally stayed lost and alone in the woods? Gretel Garbo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Who can only see half your future? Swami Davis Jr. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

What famous mystery writer had no heirs? Sir Arthur Condom Doyle (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Who is the world's foremost trainer of small animals? Gunther Gerbil-Williams. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

What psychiatrist was the most anal-retentive? Sigmoid Freud. (Howard and Beth Glick, Leesburg)

What is the name of the understudy at the opera? Placebo Domingo. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro)

Who babysits for your child and strips him of all spirituality? Madalyn Murray Au Pair. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Who sings only 5 days a month? The New Christy Menstruals. (Dean Evangelista, Gaithersburg)

What literary character got over his obsession with a white whale by entering a 12-step program? Captain Rehab. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Who is a justice of the nation's lowest court? Antonym Scalia. (David McAuley, Annandale)

And Last:

What U.S. Surgeon General was also a frequent Style Invitational contributor? C. Everett Poop. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) .