Week 163: What Kind of Foal Am I?


Breed Robb to Our Secret Affair and name the foal Rubb.

Breed Chevy Case to Editor's Note and name the foal Case Is cq.

Breed Con Artist to Creative Account and name the foal Fat Joe Waldholtz.

Breed Solo Practitioner to Private Video and name the foal Safe Sex.

Breed Irish Cloud to Built for Pleasure and name the foal Teddy.

This week's contest was suggested for the second straight year by Michael J. Hammer of Washington, who apparently spends a great deal of time at the track in the company of floozies and persons with names like Izzy the Dip. Michael the Tout, who wins a hardcover copy of the Arkansas state constitution, suggests that you take the list of all 1996 Triple Crown nominees (reprinted below), couple up any two of them, and propose an appropriate name for their hypothetical foal. For the purposes of this contest, ignore the horses' genders. The foal's name must fit in no more than 18 characters, including spaces. First-prize winner gets a prize so unspeakably violative of accepted human norms of good taste and decorum, a prize so promiscuously offensive, that we not only cannot describe it here, but we cannot even disclose the nature of the thing that it is, except to say this: The Czar's own personal children, who have learned to tolerate many, many revolting things in their lives, refused to spend one night in the same house as this objet d'art unless it was hidden behind a sturdy piece of furniture. We decided to award this prize only after reading that Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator is going to be sold at auction in Wisconsin. With that as a backdrop, nothing can be considered too tasteless. Anyway, this prize was donated to the Style Invitational by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who appears to have obtained it in Hell.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 163, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "cq" is copy desk language for "Checked and correct." Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 160, in which you were asked to come up with colorful new Mafia terms for the 1990s.

Fourth Runner-Up -- In protective custody: "Joggin' with Bubba."

(Tex Whitmore, Upper Marlboro)

Third Runner-Up -- When an innocent bystander gets killed accidentally in a shootout: "Breathing secondhand smoke." (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Second Runner-Up -- To be murdered: "Get an Iraqi divorce." (Tom Dial, Arlington)

First Runner-Up -- Poured gasoline on someone and struck a match: "Escorted him to the smoking section." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And the winner of the moose-poop cup:

Lying low: "Rentin' the old Kaczynski place." (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)

Honorable Mentions:

To set someone up: To take him to the Vista. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On death row: "In Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Soon to be whacked: Past his freshness date. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ordering an arson: I'd like fries with that. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Torching a building: Negotiating with Koresh. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Dead: In Dahmer's fridge. (Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie)

In prison: Making new friends. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Got off with a light sentence for a serious crime: Head-butted the ref. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

In prison: Learning how to share. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Paying protection: Practicing safe business. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Code of silence: Oath of office. (Mike Szydlowski, Woodbury Forest, Va.)

Executed by gas chamber: Goin' down with the Hindenburg. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Wear a mask: Go as Tammy Faye. (Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)

On life support: Still crankin' out "Peanuts." (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Bullets: Wizards. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg; Russ Beland, Springfield)

To kill someone: Take away all his entitlements. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Whacked and buried: Pushin' up Astroturf. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield)

Dead: Datin' Nicole. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown)

An offer you can't refuse: Would you rather take a nap with Lorena? (Vance Greer, Sterling)

Hiring a crooked lawyer: Hiring a lawyer. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Bribing the cops: Passing out doughnuts. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Offering a weak alibi: Chipping from the sandbox. (Chelsea Richmond, Falls Church)

Taking a bribe: Buying cattle futures. (Bruce Brothers, Alexandria)

Double-cross a crime boss: Disgruntle the mail handler. (Justin E. Porto, Woodbridge)

Blow up someone when he starts his car: Issue a manufacturer's recall. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

In prison: Living in a gated community. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Killed in a bombing: Went over like Imus. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

Squealed: Whispered to Connie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

To have some bones broken: Get knighted by Gillooly. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Taking the rap for someone else: Feeling his pain. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Hit man: Agent of change. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

And Last:

To die: Drink from the moose-poop cup. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Capitol Mistakes