Week 162: Pretense, Anyone? May We Have Your Pretension Please?


"The eternal debate, Harvard versus Yale, is, for those of us properly educated at the Sorbonne, as banal as 'Ford or Chevy?' in the ears of a Citroen owner."

"I winter in Manhattan and the Hamptons."

"I have almost no contact with the vulgar classes, and so have no experience whatsoever with pretentiousness."

This week's contest is to come up with the most pretentious sentence possible; it may be personally pretentious, as those above, or literarily pretentious, in the style of artists like Billy Joel: "They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone." First-prize winner gets an antique commemorative plate celebrating the many splendors of Intercourse, Pa., a value of $ 25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 162, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 159, in which you were asked to tell us which item in each group of three did not belong.

Third Runner-Up:

(Series 1) Both J. Edgar Hoover and a tank can be described as being "built like a tank." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up:

(Series 3) A toilet and Spam serve a purpose. But Manute Bol in a Klan costume at a parade is a stupid idea and doesn't belong. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

First Runner-Up:

(Series 3) The monument does not belong because many people have trouble keeping down both the toilet seat and Spam. (Rebecca Simmons, Alexandria)

And the winner of the Laundry Balls:

(Series 2) Vanna doesn't belong because the only things that are certain in this life are death and tacos. (Christine Jackson, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Series 1:

The tank doesn't employ heels. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Denny's is the only one ever likely to be accused of discriminating. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)

The tank won't give you the runs. (Kevin O'Connor, Riverdale)

Series 2:

"Radioactive Tacos" and "Realistic Inflatable Mad-cow Disease Victim" were April Fools' pranks that Taco Bell rejected in favor of the Liberty Bell ads. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Vanna does not belong. The other two produce gas, but Vanna keeps it safely stored in her head. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

Series 3:

Nobody stands in line for Spam. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington; John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

Neither flush toilets nor Spam existed when Sen. Strom Thurmond was a boy. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The monument and Spam are meant to last forever; a toilet seat left up indicates someone whose life will shortly end. (Jodi Kolber, Gainesville, Fla.)

Spam is the oddball, because the monument and the crapper are named for real people. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Series 4:

You never see lawyers following a chocolate bunny around. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

The bunny and the boy are small, sweet and fun, but the ambulance is big and scary -- Michael Jackson, Hollywood, Calif. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)