Week 160: Seeking Wise Guys


Dead: "In Kevorkian's Rolodex."

In prison: "Visiting the Buttafuoco residence."

To bribe someone: "Slip him an olestra sandwich."

Executed by lethal injection: "Taking the big nap."

This week's contest was suggested by Lazarus Krattenmaker, of Landover Hills, who wins what might be the dorkiest coffee-table book ever published, "365 Ways to Make Love" by Lori Salkin & Rob Sperry. (Way 32: "Wear cowboy boots and play slow country music in the background.") Anyway, Krattenmaker suggests that old, colorful tough-guy Mafia euphemisms like "sleeping with the fishes" or "singing like a canary" are in serious need of modernization. Your challenge is to come up with cool new bad-guy terms. First-prize winner gets a ceramic coffee mug from Alaska featuring, in the bottom, actual caramelized moose poop.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 160, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 10071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis, of Alexandria, for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 157, in which you were asked to complete any of four sentences.

Sixth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if

you distort the space-time continuum when you walk. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Fifth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if

you no longer can fit into your wedding muumuu. (David Benser, Vienna)

Fourth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if

you steer with your breasts to leave your hands free for eating. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Third Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if

he/she keeps having to work late at the DMV. (Phil Jacobson, Vienna)

Second Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if

the mink coat she won at bingo has been giving her a headache. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

First Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if

you're a woman. (William F. Guida, Gaithersburg; John Kammer, Herndon)

And the winner of "Intestinal Stasis and Constipation":

You might be about to lose your job if you open fire with your AK-47 and,

in the ensuing excitement, completely forget about your mail route.

(Stephen Breton, Herndon)

Honorable Mentions:

Your spouse might be having an affair if

you keep seeing the same naked man in the bedroom closet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

the president keeps calling her at all hours of the day and night. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

she appears on the Ricki Lake episode "I'm Having An Affair and Don't Know How to Tell My Husband." (John Kammer, Herndon)

your kids start calling you "Daddy Greg." (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

he/she appears to be shopping around for a professional assassin. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

during sex, she keeps crying out, "To whom it may concern!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

she's laughing a little too hard at these entries. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

You might be getting too fat if

the dog starts hiding its food. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

you sometimes forget which sex you are. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

you keep eating edible underwear, one pair after another, right out of the box.

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

at the riding stables, horses break their own legs when they first catch sight of you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

you switch from plain butter sticks to sugar-frosted. (John Kammer, Herndon)

editorial cartoonists start drawing you looking real porky and jogging to McDonald's. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

the perfect height for your weight is approaching 12 feet. (Susan R. Hoffmann, Rockville)

You might be about to lose your job if

your dad gets fired for nepotism.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

the hospital begins to frown on "eye-openers" and "hair of the dog that bit you" in the operating room. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

you finally are assigned an intern,

but it is a chimp. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

You might be humor-impaired if

you do not laugh when watching a dog dragging his butt across the grass. (Don Coleman, Alexandria)

you don't get this: Bite me! (John Kammer, Herndon)

you can never see the lighter side of natural disasters that leave hundreds dead. (John Kammer, Herndon)

when telling the joke about how you can tell a blind man at a nudist colony, you give the punch line as "It isn't difficult." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

you don't understand why the chicken would want to cross the road in the first place.

(Fraser A. Kadera, Springfield)

you think there is anything remotely funny about TV weathermen taking credit/blame for sunshine/rain. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington)

you just can't seem to think of things that are funny. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga;

David Genser, Vienna)

And Last:

You might be about to lose your job, your spouse might be having an affair, you might be humor-impaired, and you might be too fat if you walk in on your wife and your boss in bed, and she says, "You fat slob, can't you see that the joke's on you?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

Next Week: So Sue Us