Week 158: SO SUE US


A lawsuit by Pat Buchanan against the makers of Carlton cigarettes over their slogan "Carlton is lowest." Buchanan claims he is lowest.

A defamation of character lawsuit by Ben Bradlee against the makers of Ben Gay.

A lawsuit against the weather man because he predicted rain, and it didn't rain, and you took your umbrella to work, and someone swiped it.

A lawsuit against a teacher who once told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be, and you wanted to be the starting center for the New York Knicks.

This week's contest was suggested by several people, but first by Dan Chaney of Clinton, who wins a yarmulke from the funeral of the Czar's Aunt Ethel. Inspired by a recent news story about a lawsuit involving 3-year-olds in a playground, Dan suggests that you come up with even more frivolous lawsuits. (Spare us the guy who kills his parents and sues for orphan benefits, OK?) This week's first-prize winner gets a truly great prize, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Mark Sublette of Falls Church, who wins a rubber duckie that once shared a bathtub with Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who wins a Crucifix Fish, a genuine desiccated fish skeleton in the shape of a cross, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Bob Staake, who wins unmerited praise as the "America's greatest living artist." Anyway, the first prize is a copy of "Born Again," the story of the religious awakening of famed Watergate sleazebag Chuck Colson, as related in a dignified 1978 comic book. The comic book officially bears a 39-cent price tag, but for Mark Sublette's income tax purposes, we hereby declare this irreplaceable item of out-of-print Americana to be worth $ 35,000, and we further declare the Style Invitational to be a nonprofit, charitable institution. Listen, we are good to our people.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 158, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April Fools' Day. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 155, in which you were asked to tell us the difference between any two items from a list of 16.

Third Runner-Up:

What is the difference between a pound of aluminum and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? It would take forever to gather together a pound of Saddam's brother-in-law. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Second Runner-Up:

What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? One tries to knock over white, red-necked things, and the other tries to recruit them. (Andy Glendinning, St. Mary's)

First Runner-Up:

What is the difference between the Washington Wizards and a $ 4 haircut? Eventually, a $ 4 haircut will grow on you. (Charlie Myers, Laurel)

And the winner of the "Alien Autopsy" video:

What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A bowling ball requires an opposable thumb. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Honorable Mentions:

The difference between that dog on "Frasier" and a $ 4 haircut? The dog will lie down when you want it to. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)

The difference between a pound of poop and those ads featuring Ronnie Mervis, of Mervis Diamond Importers Inc.? You can swallow the poop.

(Joe Koblyski, Gaithersburg)

The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and the gap between Letterman's teeth? Gaithersburg closes up tight at 9 p.m.

(Joe Fitzgerald, Silver Spring)

The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and the former Yugoslavia? The former Yugoslavia has fewer guns.

(Marc Lipman, Chantilly)

The difference between the Washington Wizards and that dog on "Frasier"? There is no difference. They both bite.

(Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

The difference between the Washington Wizards and a Ford Bronco? The Bronco has had a superstar athlete on board in the past decade.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A pitchfork has three or four good points.

(John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and that dog on Frasier? The dog knows when he's licked.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between a bowling ball and butt cleavage? If you don't know, I'm not going bowling with you.

(Bill Roberts, Fairfax)

The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and butt cleavage? One is north of the Beltway, one is south of the beltway.

(John McMahon, Washington)

The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? No difference, they are both Satan's staff.

(Lydia B. Kaplan, Westfield, N.J.)

The difference between a white Ford Bronco and a bowling ball? You can't get blood from a bowling ball.

(Tommy Litz, Bowie)

The difference between a bowling ball and that dog on Frasier? One's round with holes, the other is a hound with roles.

(Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville)

The difference between the Washington Wizards and Butt Cleavage? One was chosen as the new nickname for the Bullets, the other came in second. (Kurt Larrick, Burke)

The difference between Bob Dole's grandfather and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? One of them was a blood relative of a man who has been in power far too long and is on the verge of leading his nation to ruin, and the other was related only by marriage.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

And Last:

The difference between the former Yugoslavia and Gaithersburg, Md.? No one from the former Yugoslavia has ever come in last in the Style Invitational.

(Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible