Year Four (Week 156): Hyphen the Terrible


Sto-ber, v. To indignantly declare one's sobriety while drunkenly inserting consonants into words

Man-ceptance, n. Female acknowledgment that the toilet seat will always be left up

Commit-lustrating, v. The application of grafitti onto the walls of a hospital room by a psychiatric patient

This week's contest was suggested by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who wins total spiritual enlightenment, and a drinking duck. Fred proposes that you create a new word by combining the first half of a hypenated word with the second half of a different hypenated word. Both words must appear in the same story anywhere in today's Washington Post. Each entry must provide a definition for the newly created word. Make sure you tell us which story your word is chosen from. The examples above are based on hyphenated words appearing in today's Miss Manners column. First-prize winner gets a pair of 1960-era paintings, framed in plastic, featuring big-eyed teenyboppers dancing the Frug, a value of $ 30.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 156, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and Joseph Romm of Washington for last WEEK'S EAR. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States.

Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States.

But first, we want to share a letter from Jennifer Hart, of Arlington, winner of Week 149's first prize, a four-foot-high inflatable doll of Edvard Munch's "The Scream." Jennifer observes that the prize came with an instructional brochure warning you not to use it as a life preserver. "What kind of sick pervert," she writes, "would throw a Scream doll to a drowning man?"

We also would like to acknowledge receipt of an entry from little Jake Knanishu, 4, of Hyattsville. Jake becomes the youngest entrant to date! We'd print his entry, except it was not juvenile enough.
Fifth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because this country needs a real mother to lead it, not just someone people call a real mother. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Fourth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because eggs are about $ 1.30 a dozen. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Third Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because with me, you don't get Hillary, too. (Gary Mason, Herndon)

Second Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because I, um, sort of told my mom that I already am president. (Stephen Breton, Herndon)

First Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because no woman would ever remember having had sex with me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the horse's-ass tie tack: I should be elected president of the United States because it would drive Ross Perot absolutely nuts. (Dan Kravitz, Warrenton, Va.)

Honorable Mentions:

I because "(Alison Kamat, Washington)" is an anagram for "I am a gal that knows no sin." (Alison Kamat, Washington)

I because I will give my State of the Union speeches using a hand puppet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I because I think I can persuade France to make the "West Virginia Purchase."(Stephen Breton, Herndon)
I because nobody would expect too much from me. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

I because America needs growth and I have one. Wanna see? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

I because my juvenile records are sealed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I because I already have better name recognition than Morry Taylor. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I because I will not lie on you. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

I because when the time comes, I will resign quietly rather than putting the nation through a constitutional crisis. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I because I will propose legislation making it a criminal act for an Anglo newscaster to try to sound Hispanic when pronouncing a Hispanic name. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I because when people talked about the horse's ass in the White House, I'd know they were talking about the tie tack. (John Kammer, Herndon)

I because I have campaign experience and also because my race, gender and past will never be an issue.Q"Anonymous," Washington (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg)

I because I could defeat Pat Buchanan in a battle for the soul of AmericaQSatan, Hell (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)

I because I did such a good job last time. QShirley MacLaine (Russ Beland, Springfield)

I because I think I'd look really good wearing that crown thing. QKato Kaelin (Russ Beland, Springfield)

I because at a mere 5 feet 8, I can walk under rotating helicopter blades without stooping. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

I because each vote for me is one less for Charles Manson. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

I because it would be great to see Hell freeze over. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

I because I do not condone negative campaigning like my necrophiliac opponents. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

I because I, alone among the candidates, can fully appreciate the cool sensuousness of satin women's undergarments as they caress my nether regions. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I because I will name Chuck Smith secretary of the posterior. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

I because it would make the people down South danged proud to have a "President Earl." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata)

I because "President Patishnock" sounds so great. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

I because none of my dates has pressed charges, so far. (Lance W. Seberhagen, Vienna)

I because it would decrease my commuting time considerably. (Don Coleman, Alexandria)

I because I will put a mirror over the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And last:

I because imagine the prestige The Style Invitational would have if the president regularly entered. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Next Week: Enter Laughing