Week 150: Trial Balloons


What are these people saying? First-prize winner gets a framed lithograph of a big-eyed kid holding a big-eyed rabbit, not by famed 1960s incompetent Walter Keane, but by his ex-wife, also named Keane. So it is a genuine "Keane," a $ 75 value. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers.

Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 150, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 147, in which you were asked to come up with Liffs, whimsical new definitions for cities, towns or other geographic locations.

Yes, many, many people described "Peoria" as that ecstatic feeling one gets from relieving a full bladder.

Sixth Runner-Up: Anchorage -- n. The often inane banter that takes place among talking heads on the evening news. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)Fifth Runner-Up: Toronto -- n. A Canadian Mountie's faithful companion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Bob Sarecky, Centreville)

Fourth Runner-Up: Altoona -- n. The mythical place comic strip characters go when their creators retire. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown)Third Runner-Up: Bora Bora -- n. A tiresome person who keeps repeating himself. (Paul "Paul" Kondis, Alexandria)

Second Runner-Up: Manchester -- n., usu. vulgar. A woman with a small bosom. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

First Runner-Up: Assateague -- n. The condition in which one tires of sitting in the same position for too long. (Bob Sarecky, Centreville)

And the winner of the Jim Bakker inspirational audio tape:

Sacramento -- n. A communion wafer that purifies both the soul and the breath. (Dave Harstad, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Apalachicola -- adj. Describes a vending machine that dispenses Mountain Dew when "Coke" is pressed. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Illinois -- n. The ability of the chronically sick to get on one's nerves. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Babylonia -- n. A spiel used by sleazy, fast-talking salesmen (Example: "He was giving me a line of Babylonia"). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Eufala -- n. The high experienced by bungee jumpers. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Pijijiapan (Mexico) -- v. To clumsily type on a keyboard such that many letters are repeated. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Gorky -- adj. Used to describe Russian nerds. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Bethesda -- n. The sound nasal spray makes when you squeeze the bottle (Joyce Rains, Bethesda)

Waterloo -- v. To pee in the pool. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Lackawanna -- adj. Describes the state of mind of American men during the two-week period at the end of the year when all college football bowl games are played. (Jim Sherkel, Laurel)

Krakow -- n. Medical term for pain suffered from wedgies. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Gdansk -- n. The bleating sound you make when you answer the phone at 4 a.m. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Sebastopol -- n. A greasy politician (Brian Baker, Silver Spring)

Darjeeling -- v. Sweetly coaxing your spouse to do you a favor. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Joliet -- n. The kind of woman worth going to jail for. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Punjab -- n. The poke you give someone after telling a bad joke and saying, "Get it? Get it?" (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Effingham -- n., A person who jumps up and down, waving, to get attention from behind a television reporter on location. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Kalamazoo -- n. William Henry Harrison's original running mate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Romania -- n. That annoying condition when a salad bar has only that long leafy bitter lettuce. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Topeka -- v. To look for an empty rest room stall. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Muskegon -- n. The stifling stench of perfume that people leave behind in elevators. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dumfries -- n. That look one gets on one's face that tells people "I'm laughing, but I really didn't get the joke." (John Feeney, Dale City)

Bettendorf -- n. Mississippi riverboat casino jargon for a regular patron. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville

Manitoba -- n. A hand so fat that there are dimples over the knuckles. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Burke -- n. A surprise hiccup at the end of a burp. (Paul DeMaio, Burke)

Boston -- n. The extra weight a supervisor's opinion has in a supposedly democratic meeting. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown)

Peekskill -- n. The hostile look a woman gives a man whom she has caught surreptitiously glancing at her body. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Wheeling -- n. A sly attempt to coax a prize from a humor contest by employing stereotyping allusions to a pack of buck-toothed rubes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Kalorama -- n. An all-you-can-eat dessert bar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Seattle -- n. (SEAT-ull) The amount of space a person covers by sitting. Example: "Joe Waldholtz has a large Seattle." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Worcester -- n. (WOOS-ter) A female wimp. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) And Last:

Andalusia -- The final honorable mention in a contest. (Joseph Romm, Washington)