The Style Invitational; Week 135: Jerry-Built Solutions


Why do they call them windbreakers? Who would wear something that claims to break wind?

What is it with paneling on refrigerators and dishwashers? They aren't furniture. Why are we pretending we have furniture in the kitchen? Large pieces of furniture plugged into the wall?

What's the deal with these blood pressure tests I see them giving in shopping malls? Do you really want to go to a mall when you need top medical attention? Oooo, looks like Uncle Murray may need an emergency appendectomy -- better rush him down to The Gap!

This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a set of 1950s-vintage galoshes for a dog. Jean suggests that you come up with Seinfeld-isms: whiny, quirky musings on little questions of life. First-prize winner receives a fabulous Elvis doll commemorating his "Jailhouse Rock," value of $ 75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 135, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also notes that the sudden precipitous disappearance of Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills from this contest coincides precisely with the sudden, precipitous ascendancy of one Thomas Litz of Bowie. Coincidence? Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 132, in which you were invited to come up with a slogan for the back of the new Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt, the front of which is pictured at right (This chart was not available).

Third Runner-Up: Pooperty of The Washington Post (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Second Runner-Up: The Back No One Reads (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

First Runner-Up: Print This Slogan, Keep Me From Bombing Again (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg)

And the winner of the bejeweled Shriners' fez: (This chart was not available)(George C. Montgomery, Bethesda)

Honorable Mentions:

LOSt ti. Love it. Any REal Sin? (David Smith, Greenbelt)

Will Trade Shirt for Respect (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Owner Carries Less Than $ 50. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Kicking Name and Taking Butts (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

How's My Wearing? If you see this shirt being worn in an unsafe manner, fax 334-4312 (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Body Inspected by Alien #7 (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Take My Life, Please (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Insert colostomy bag here (This chart was not available) (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Eureka! A Way to Measure the Volume of a Toaster! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

I'm Not a Loser, But I Play One on F2. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

We Eat Our Dead. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence, Style Invitational Winner (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

I Slay Me. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

At Least They Gave Me Bread and Water (Jim and Tana Reagan, Herndon)

Beats Dying On the Crapper! (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

All I Ever Won Was This Toaster. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Embarrassing Our Nation's Capital Since 1993. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

West Virginia Hot Tubs, Inc. (Joel Kawer, Gaithersburg)

Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another? (Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

It's Also the Wrong Size. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg)

Onward and Downward (This chart was not available) (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Next Week: Like Wow