Week 131: Droodleysquat


- A tomato sandwich, made by a real amateur.

- David Letterman smiling.

- A sperm on his day off.

This week's contest was suggested by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins an imitation cowflop frisbee. Jessica proposes that you come up with "droodles," simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. Droodles were big in the 1950s. Of course, Durward Kirby was also big in the 1950s. First-prize winner receives a realistic $ 35 snow globe music box depicting two rhinoceroses in a snowstorm of green glitter. Naturally, it plays "Born Free."

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 131, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 128, in which you were asked to come up with snappy answers to stupid questions.

- Fourth Runner-Up: "Can I order a pizza?" "No, today we are delivering only gefilte fish."

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

- Third Runner-Up: To a tall man: "Do you play basketball?" "No. Do you play miniature golf?" (Jim Jacobs, Arlington)

- Second Runner-Up: "Are those twins?" "No, they're triplets, but I only take out two at a time. I rotate the third, like tires." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel, who has twins)

- First Runner-Up: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I should think not, officer! At these speeds I prefer to keep my eyes on the road, not on the speedometer."

(Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park)

- And the winner of the stuffed and mounted turkey head:

"Who do you think you are, anyway?" "I think I am Rene Descartes. Therefore,

I am Rene Descartes. Who do you think you are?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

- Honorable Mentions:

To a kid in a candy store: "See anything you like?" "Nope, I just dropped in to squelch a cliche." (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

"Will that be a table for one?" "No, for two. I'll be undergoing mitosis after the soup course." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

"Are you sleeping?" "No, I was contacting the other side -- your grandmother said to tell you she always thought you were the stupid one." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

"Gee, officer, was I speeding?" "No, but your car was. I am going to have to take it down to the station." (Donal Hogan, Woodbridge)

"Can we still be friends?" "Sure! Assuming you like to have raunchy sex with your friends." (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"Will that be a table for one?" (Break out in long, self-pitying sobs) (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

"What are you watching?" "I am watching a stream of collimated negatively charged leptons, known commonly as 'electrons,' bombard a phosphorescent matrix. A wavelength filter delineates the beams by photon energies, producing in combination a color table that reproduces natural wavelength emission. These come together using a time-dependent scanning technique at a frequency of approximately 30 Hertz, the end product of which is a dynamic two-dimensional representation of Gilligan dropping a coconut on the Skipper's head." (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

"Was I speeding, officer?" "No, I was. Please arrest me." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Why are you a vegetarian?" "It's not that I love animals. I hate vegetables."

(Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

"Steve Young, you have just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next?" "Take a shower." (James A. Michaels, Potomac)

"What are you, paranoid?" "No, but people keep spreading that rumor."

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

"Are you open?" "Well, I have the usual number of orifices, but I don't know if I'd consider myself open."

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Doesn't he look natural?" "Only if you consider having rigor mortis, and your eyelids sewn shut, natural." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Is that the Capitol?" "No, it's the Taj Mahal, sahib." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"Are you the Russ Beland of Springfield who gets printed every other week or so in the Style Invitational?" "No, I'm one of two Russ Belands of Springfield who each gets printed every fourth week or so." (Russ Beland, Springfield)

- And Last:

"Why didn't you print my entry?" "Because your material is so terrific The Post has decided, instead, to print a hardcover book featuring all the entries you've ever submitted, fully annotated, with a foreword by Bob Woodward." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Next Week: Remake Us Happy