WEEK 128: LIKE, DUH
To a cop: "Was I speeding?" No, I am going to give a ticket to everyone else on the road for driving too slow, and I was wondering if you'd be a witness against them.
Are you asleep? Yes, I'm having a nightmare in which I'm bombarded with stupid questions.
This week's contest: Come up with snappy answers to stupid questions -- the ones above or your own. Apologies to Mad magazine, which has been coming up with these comebacks for decades. "Hey, can we just use our favorite ones from Mad magazine?" [Snap.] First-prize winner gets a genuine mounted wild turkey head, neck and tail, suitable for wall hanging, a value of $ 35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 128" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.u Honorable Mentions:
REPORT FROM Week 125, "Ask Backward VI," in which we yet again asked for snappy questions to stupid answers, and received well over 2,000 entries, hundreds of them noting what Hugh Grant was wearing, and the noise he was making, that night in the BMW.
Important notice: This competition -- which has been determined in a statistically rigorous survey to be the No. 1 Sunday reading material among men who leave for the office at 4:45 a.m. and who insist on giving the date as "02 November," even in conversation -- will no longer appall our readers with puerile cracks about urine or other intimate waste material. Our humor shall be droll -- not drool. Scatological humor is entirely unacceptable within these columns and will not be considered, let alone rewarded.
- Fourth runner-up: Here's a hint: It's yellow. What is part of the last question on the West Virginia urologists' licensing exam? (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va.)
- Third runner-up: Colon Powell: Who was No. 1 on Saddam Hussein's enemas list?
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- Second runner-up: The world is my dumpster: What's the motto of the guy I saw jetting down I-66, tossing an empty cigarette pack from a car adorned with a bumper sticker that said "My kid beat up your honor student"? (Mike Thring, Leesburg)
- First runner-up:What is a diagram of the former Prince's tragic pommel horse accident? (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
- And the winner of the book "Dave Barry Slept Here," printed in Japanese:
Colon Powell: Who is America counting on to eliminate waste in government?
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Tinker to Evers to Packwood:
What famous double-play combination has no Chance at first base? (David Gionfriddo, Washington)
One. Definitely Only One:
What does Rain Man do at a urinal? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
How many house calls does Dr. Jack Kevorkian make per patient? (Kathleen Brandli, Centreville)
Mr. Quayle, how many E's are in "potato"? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
How many showers can the Wicked Witch of the West take? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
The world is my dumpster:
What was Jimmy Hoffa's motto during the first two weeks of his retirement in 1975?
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Mickey Mantle's liver:
Next to "Reagan's memory" and "Superman on horseback," what is the worst category the Czar possibly could have come up with? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [And apologies to all who were victims of the most unfortunate timing, not to mention taste.]
Three men and a crayfish:
In his budget for "Waterworld II," how many extras is Kevin Costner permitted to hire? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Apollo 178:
What would precede "Redskins 0" in a report of the game between Washington and the Albany Apollo? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
What course did Dionysus fail in graduate school? (Robin D. Grove, Washington)
What did the Italian waiter say when asked how many lire for the chicken dinner?
(Tom LaManna, Herndon)
Grant's pants:
What are extra-large on Lou, sexy on Amy, blue on Ulysses and around the ankles of Hugh? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)
What brand of slacks was created to compete with Lee jeans? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; Gary D. Michaels, Potomac)
Colon Powell:
What do you get by sitting too long on your presidential ambitions? (Michael Singer,
Silver Spring)
Very, very fat mice:
What did Capt. Scott O'Grady hope for after five or six days of insects? (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)
What do you get when very, very, very fat mice are injected with the fat-burning drug?
(Steven Liu, Rockville)
What was Divine Brown's first mug shot?
(Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.)
Here's a hint: It's yellow.
How did James Earl Jones's agent tell him about the job that would revitalize his career? (Michael Temple, Washington)
Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? (Sara and Judith Jenkins, Washington)
Sally Struthers and Homer the Blind Poet.
Who wrote the Silliad? (Michael Singer,
Silver Spring)
Who are Mike Tyson's next two opponents? (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.)
Who are two people whose careers peaked in the 8th century B.C.? (Tommy Litz, Bowie)
Because it wouldn't work the other way.
Why should one put on a condom before having sex? (Harold Rennett, Rockville)
Why did the Republicans take over Congress? (Jim Jacobs, Arlington)
Next Week: Everybody's Talkin'