Week 127: GADGET IF YOU CAN


This week's contest: Choose one or more of the above devices, drawn from the mind of Mr. Bob Staake himself, and describe their use. First-prize winner gets a 1972-vintage clock suspended in a monstrous brown and yellow macrame frame. Value? Um, let's say invaluable. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 127" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Steven Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 124, in which we asked you to come up with Spoonerisms: transpositions of the beginnings of paired words.

(Belated thanks to Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax for suggesting this contest months ago. Kevin wins a pair of slippers that look like salmon, since he just had knee surgery and could really use, for once, a salmon.)

Most of the 1,000-plus entries actually fit the Spooneristic form, though there was the occasional pairing of, say, "Hillary Rodham Clinton" with "Killer hot rod, Rin-Tin-Tin," or even "the coveted losers' T-shirt and mildly sought-after bumper stickers" with "the curt staff taught me to avidly shove sick abuser lumps." (Out of compassion -- remember, this contest is now nestled in the nurturing arms of a woman -- we refrain from mentioning that both of those entries were from Phil Plait of Silver Spring.)

Lots of people sent in utter obscenities, figuring it'd be okay as long as they left out the half of the joke that RHYMED with "truck" or "wit" or "cities." Ha ha ha, you smart feller, you. And literally dozens of constestants plagiarized from the Rosetta Stone Dirty Joke Obelisk and sent in the ones about the defiant rooster and the epileptic oystermonger. Even that nasty little Czar, who is currently confined to quarters (the rest of his pay has been docked), wouldn't have stomached that.

Fourth runner-up: How is career advice for Tommy Chong like the job description for an actress on "Baywatch"? One is "Best to star with Cheech"; the other is "Chest to star with beach." (Joel Tompkins, Laurel)

Third runner-up: How is the Supreme Court abortion case like what roaches say on TV? One is Roe-Wade; the other is "Whoa! Raid!" (Scott McKenzie, Manassas)

Second runner-up: How is Roger Tory Peterson like the Rev. William Spooner? One is a bird watcher; the other is . . . a bird watcher. (Douglas J. Hoylman, Chevy Chase)

First runner-up: How is Cole Porter like a reformed Bob Packwood in his reelection bid? One gets no kick from champagne; the other gets no chick from campaign. (J. vonBushberger, Davidsonville)

And the winner of the original amateur copy of the "Mona Lisa":

How is adoration of a pop group like a PBS documentary on an obscure European country? One is Beatlemania; the other is "Meet Albania!" (Steven Papier, Wheaton)

Honorable Mentions:

How is O.J. Simpson like the bloody glove? One is a prosecutor's perp; the other is a persecutor's prop. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

How is the Capitol at night like President Clinton? One is visible in the city's lights; the other is visible in Liddy's sights. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

How is one Buddha figurine like another Buddha figurine? Each is a placid face above a flaccid place. (Matt Westbrook, Baltimore)

How is a Washington Chinese restaurant like Rush Limbaugh? One is Mandarin Palace; the other is panderin' malice. (Alison Kamat, Washington)

How is a Mellon-Rockefeller marriage like the result of skinny-dipping in a cold river? One is shrewd linkage; the other is lewd shrinkage. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

How is a champion golfer like a genetic engineer? One makes big-money putts; the other makes pig-bunny mutts. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

How is a conservative presidential candidate like a flying mammal that projectile-vomits? One is Pat Buchanan; the other is a bat puke cannon. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

How is war like Newt Gingrich's sister? One is "c'est la guerre"; the other is "gay la soeur." (Steven Papier, Wheaton)

How is Nancy Kerrigan like Miss Manners on a roller coaster? One says, "Why me?"; the other says, "My! Whee!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

How is an old movie projector company like an awful name for a heavy-metal group? One is Bell & Howell; the other is Hell & Bowel (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax)

How is President Clinton's media image unlike that of House Speaker Newt Gingrich? One is an easy waffler; the other is an awful weaseler. (William Bradford, Washington)

How is a hit song like Jack the Ripper? One is a chart topper; the other is a tart chopper. (Steven Papier, Wheaton)

How is rotten parsley like Radovan Karadzic at his family farm? One is a sick herb; the other is a hick Serb. (Katie McBride, Alexandria, with Seumas Gillecriosd, Loudoun County)

How is a Texas football team like a group of insensitive Chinese monks? One is the Dallas Cowboys; the other are the Callous Tao Boys. (John Garner, Silver Spring)

How is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms like a sadistic Dale Evans? One's got a Good Ol' Boy Roundup; the other's got good ol' Roy bound up. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

How is an earnest amateur golfer like a blind asphalt layer? One is craving a par; the other is paving a car. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring)

How is the Moscow Circus like "Star Trek"? One has unconventional bears; the other has unbearable conventions. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

How is a double martini like a proctologist? One packs a wallop; the other whacks a polyp. (John Chickering, Rockville)

How is an illegal batter's ploy like a would-be Supreme Court justice who has been eaten by a jaguar? One is cork in a bat; the other is Bork in a cat. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

How is Tiny Tim like Michael Jackson? One is an androgynous freak; . . . oh wait, so is the other one. (Michael Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.)

How is a piece of lawn furniture like a talkative nanny? One is a patio chair; the other is a chatty au pair. (Helen and Miriam Dowtin, Suitland)

How is Catherine Deneuve like the secret behind Newt Gingrich's helmet head? One is "Belle du Jour"; the other is Gel du Boor. (Willy Hawkins, Washington)

How is a blind pop star like how a Londoner would tell someone to avoid a space alien who'd just zapped a woman with a ray gun? One is Stevie Wonder; the other is "Weave! 'E stunned her!" (Steven Offutt, Arlington)

How is a Christmas photo at the mall like what your child is sure to do for the photographer? One is Nick pose; the other is pick nose. (Mike Connaghan, Silver Spring)

How is celibacy like an afternoon fling between bank tellers? One is safe sex; the other is safe sex. (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

How is a lab rat on the space shuttle like Billy Joel? One is mating weightlessly; the other is waiting matelessly. (Edward Palm, Baltimore)

How is a henpecked husband like a West Virginian? One's mate says "do, do, do"; the other's date says "moo, moo, moo." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

How is an inconsequential radio personality like what his motto should be? One is Don Imus; the other is I'm Dumbest. (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax)