Week 121: It's No Use
A time-release placebo.
Tomato-on-a-Stick
A textbook teaching illiterates how to read.
This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a copy of "Flattened Fauna," an apparently serious sportsman's guide to recognizing old road kill by shape. Joseph suggests that you come up with useless products. First-prize winner gets a set of Russian nesting dolls featuring Yeltsin, Gorby, Brezhnev, Khrushchev, Stalin, Lenin and Nicky II, a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 121, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads, the only person on Earth whose given name features an ampersand, thanks John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 118, in which you were asked to create funny typographical errors by altering one letter in any headline or photo caption from that day's Post.
The instructions weren't clear on whether transposing adjacent letters constituted only one alteration. We say yes. If any of you feel cheated by this ruling, please walk the streets wearing a dead mackerel or flounder on your shirt or blouse. Our special Injustice-Spotting Teams will identify you and award you prizes.
Several funny entries were either too popular to single out, or too risque. In the first category was "Astros Greet Pulsipher Rudely in De But." In the second category was an entry by several people who suggested a strategic one-letter deletion in the headline: "Make a Splash Without Losing Your Shirt."
* Third Runner-Up:
It Has a Million $ Location, Mouse-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town
(Laura Wilson, Herndon)
* Second Runner-Up:
You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pol
(Joe Harder, Charlottesville; Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air)
* First Runner-Up:
What's a Cookout Without Heiny Beans?
(Bonnie Speary, Rockville)u
* And the winner of the wine barrel costumes:
Bulge Boy shorts
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
* Honorable Mentions
FREE LOVEMEAT
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Carreers in Education
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Buchanan Bit Winner in Va. Poll
(Richard E. Brock, Adelphi)
John Denver Sautes Conservationists
(Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air)
The Man Who Sold the Sucrets
(Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Vienna)
The Rise and Fall of Homey Rule in Washington
(Robert P. Starling, McLean;
Barbara Shannon Dykes, Mason Neck)
Happy Fatherless Day; Are We Sending a Message That Pads Are Disposable?
(John Kammer, Herndon)
I Can't Believe It's Not Better
(Jessica Steinhice, Washington; Nick Dierman, Potomac; Rose Chaney, Frederick)
Administration Debates Pentagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Jests
(Gerald Epstein, Bethesda; Rick Tillman, Falls Church)
Miss Manners
Oh No! Not the Ladylike Kook!
(Michele Petrillo, Gaithersburg;Paul Parsons,
Silver Spring; Dennis McDermott, Alexandria)
Ono, Not The Ladylike Look
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Troubled by Urinary Logs?
(Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air)
Buchanan Outs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll
(Greg Arnold, Herndon)
Snot Towels (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Happy Fatherless Day ; Are We Sending a Message That Nads Are Disposable?
(Nick Dierman, Potomac)
The King of Pop's Crown Looks Wobbly as He Releases His First Album in 4 Rears. (Donna DeSoto, Fairfax)
Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 2th. (Steve Hoglund, Washington)
To Place Your Employment Ads, Contact: The Hiring Squid!
(Connie Petty, Leondardtown)
One Trip, Three Hits, No Errorz
(Andrew Flannery, Washington;
Jonathan Simon, Bethesda)
My Johnson a Man on a Mission (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Fop Attention-Getter
(John Kammer, Herndon)
FU2 (Gary Patishnook, Laurel)
Yeltsin Eructs Into Anger at Chechens
(Rick Tillman, Falls Church)
Three Washington Post Journalists Wins Two Pulitzer Prizes
(Connie Petty, Leonardtown)
Original headlines, in order of appearance: It Has a Million $ Location, House-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town; You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pool; What's a Cookout Without Heinz Beans?; Bugle Boy Shorts; Free Loveseat; Oh No! Not the Ladylike Look!; Careers in Education; Buchanan Big Winner in Va. Poll; John Denver Salutes Conservationists; The Man Who Sold the Secrets; The Rise and Fall of Home Rule in Washington; Are We Sending a Message That Dads Are Disposable?; I Can't Believe It's Not Butter; Administration Debates Penagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Tests; Troubled by Urinary Loss?; M. Johnson a Man on a Mission; Buchanan Routs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll; Scot Towels; His First Album in 4 Years; Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 6th; The Hiring Squad; Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Top Attention-Getter; I'm Not Going to Pinch Myself; Erupts Into Anger; Win Two Pulitzer Prizes.
Next Week: Muzak to Our Ear