Week 120: Simile Outrageous


When I think about all that suffering in Bosnia I feel real bad, like when you tie your necktie wrong and the bottom part comes out longer than the top and you have to do it all over again.

Her face was as beautiful as one of them sunsets when there's a lot of soot and gunk in the air.

He was about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." That is a fabulous analogy from "Farewell, My Lovely," by Raymond Chandler, who was describing a huge man in an ostentatious suit. Raymond Chandler was the world's greatest writer of analogies. Your goal is to be the worst: Come up with inept analogies, rotten comparisons as a literary device. First-prize winner gets a framed antique "Scarlet Fever" quarantine sign from the 1930s, a value of $ 90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 120, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads is still soliciting entries for the Ear No One Reads, such as today's, by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 117, when you were asked to come up with letters to Heloise.

We got about 1,500 responses, including more than a dozen from people who did not quite understand this is a humor contest. This happens from time to time. Did you folks know, for example, that you can save plastic milk jugs and use them for Kool Aid and stuff?

* Fifth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Don't you hate it when you've just washed the floor, the phone rings, and you have to walk across your newly cleaned linoleum? I've solved that perennial problem by always carrying two old toilet plungers with me as I wash the floor, and when the phone rings I just push the plungers onto the ceiling, hang on and trapeze my way across without ever touching the floor! It's a snap! (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

* Fourth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: After you get tired of your old diamond necklace, simply put it at the bottom of the pot the next time you plant flowers, and it will provide wonderful drainage. -- Liz Taylor, Beverly Hills, Calif. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

* Third Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: At night, the placement of common cotton balls in your orifices prevents bugs from entering your body and drinking your digestive juices. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

* Second Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Here in West Virginia, we've discovered a new use for sheep. If you cut off their fur, you can make things out of it, like clothes and stuff! -- Luther Bopeep, Wheeling, W.Va. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

* First Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Quick! I need to learn how to shrink a pair of leather gloves. -- "O.S., Los Angeles" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

And the winner of the two pairs of boingy shoes:

* Dear Heloise: I recently discovered my husband keeps a discarded pair of panties in his glove compartment to muffle the rattle of his tools. Isn't that clever? -- Wanda Peebles, Topeka, Kan. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va., and Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

*Honorable Mentions:

I recently went to Alaska to visit a friend of mine. He was having trouble with some baby seals in his back yard, destroying his shrubs. So we came up with this solution: Club the seals to death, fillet them, and grill them on the barbecue. -- Rush Limbaugh, New York. (Andy Buonviri, Hollywood, Md.)

There always seem to be extra anchovy strips left over after making Caesar salad. I save them for a real campfire treat: Surprise S'mores! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

My husband and I just finished wallpapering our den and thought you would like to know how easy it was! Every time we bought a new roll of Scotch tape, we took off the little plaid starter tab and glued it to the den wall! So easy, so inexpensive, and it only took us 42 years to complete! (Ann M. Burton, North Bethesda)

Aluminum foil and a sawed-off plastic milk carton make an excellent helmet to repel evil thoughts. But don't forget to put some foil in your underpants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I have a new use for old egg cartons. I put them in my husband's workshop and arrange all his screws and nails. -- Nancy Woofus, Littleville, R.I.

I have a new use for screw and nail packaging. Put them in the fridge to prevent eggs from rolling around. -- Roger Woofus, Littleville, R.I. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Save those old space shuttle booster tanks. They make great woodpecker habitats. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Ed O'Reilly, Alexandria)

When crumpled up and placed around your bed at night, newspapers give you an early warning about the Tooth Fairy coming to pull out all your teeth or of any cats intent on sucking your breath away as you sleep. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

I've just about got the particle accelerator finished, but can't figure out how to crosswire the transducer. Any tips? -- Ken in Landover Hills

Dear Ken: Try this -- Pick up a used van der Graf generator at a yard sale, remove the Tesla coil (once you're done, a Tesla coil makes a great Bundt pan!) and connect to the transducer, positive to positive.

(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

dear heloise when youre writing a poem dont worry about punctuation or capitalization you can always take care of that later ee cummings (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Old cast-iron radiators make wonderful aquarium "castles," provided you have at least a 1,500-gallon tank. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

I came up with a great use for my old beanbag chair. It's perfect for holding my javelin collection. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

To save money on a carrot scraper, use your teeth. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi)

To remove those stubborn ground-in stains from your children's clothes, pack the dirty clothes in the kids' suitcase when they go to visit Grandma. The clothes will come back looking as good as new, and may, in fact, actually be new. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)

Don't throw out that Pla-Doh that's been mixed into a gray blob the kids no longer play with. Simply add some frozen corn and it magically turns into fake vomit! Kids love it! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Place an old mattress on the bottom of the stairs, then just jump down instead of walking. Saves time, eliminates wear and tear on the treads and gives a vigorous aerobics workout to boot! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

When at a restaurant, to avoid getting spaghetti on a new shirt, don't order it.

(Barbara Bryce, Adelphi)

Tired of your origami swans or other animals? Unfold them and use as napkins!

(Doris Nachman, Springfield)

I save all my used scouring pads and use them to knit bulletproof vests for the kids to wear to school. (R.A. Heindl, Euclid, Ohio)

I've found a great way to hide income from the IRS where they'll never even think to look. I've personally stashed away millions of dollars completely tax-free! Ooops. Gotta go now. I'm on the air. -- Don Imus, New York (John Kammer, Herndon)

I just figured out a great way to use my old Style Invitational bumper stickers and seem smarter at the same time. I just slap them onto a white T-shirt, and people think they are the real McCoy! (Chris Stelzig, Annapolis)

And Last:

Do you find that you have more than enough bumper stickers but are constantly running short of depilatory? (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

Next Week: Weak 118