Week 113: What Kind of Foal Am I?
Breed Score Quick to Proud of It and name the foal Wilt the Stilt
Breed GH's Pleasure to Rice and name the foal Monkey Business
Breed Shimmering Prince to Hyroglyphic and name the foal Shimmering (prince symbol)
This week's contest was proposed by Michael J. Hammer of Washington. Michael wins a poster of famous outhouses. He suggests that we take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year (the list is printed below), choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring. (Ignore the actual gender of the horses, since most are male. Following official racing rules, you cannot exceed 18 letters and spaces, total, for a horse's name.) This is an old game among horse breeders: According to Michael, one guy bred a stallion named Banquet Table to a mare named Cold as a Witch, and named the foal "Titular Feast." First-prize winner gets a genuine official wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $ 20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 113, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is reliably informed that New York radio personality Don Imus last week referred to The Style Invitational and its readers as "lame," and flatly prohibited any participant in this contest from ever appearing on his show. Normally we would ignore such a trivial matter; Don Imus flatly refusing to let Style Invitational readers on his show is kind of like a bowl of poop flatly refusing to be served at Lutece, but it occurred to us that possibly our lame-o readers might wish
to respond more directly to Mr. Imus. As a sign of respect, come up with the nicest thing one can truthfully say about Don 'Imus in the Morning' Imus. Not that we really care whether you enter, but the best entry gets five Style Invitational loser's t-shirts. Five. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.
We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters:_ Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last:
On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
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