Week 110: Do Not Inhale This Page


On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss.

From a can of pickled herring: Not to be used as a facial astringent.

On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss.

On a tub of vanilla Yogurt: This product not recommended as a Spackle substitute.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Andrew Cullen of Arlington, who wins Power Lunch, a no-doubt scintillating board game crafted around the theme of Washington lobbying. Andrew came up with his contest idea after he opened a box of Silly Putty and saw a warning that the product should not be used as ear plugs. Andrew assumes this was prompted by fear of a lawsuit. He suggests we come up with absurd warning labels that might be found on other common products. First-prize winner receives a huge Power Ranger pinata, a value of $ 30, purchased for the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, the woman with a job that Dares Not Speak Its Name.

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 110, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 107, in which we asked you to redraw the constellations.

But first, some unfinished business. When we last visited Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, they were just two hapless readers unknown to each other but unfortunate enough to have submitted identical contest ideas the same week; alas, this fueled highly irresponsible published reports that they were an "item." Seeking to put an end to this scurrilous rumor-mongering, the Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads invited readers to submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Fifty-five persons responded. The winner was David Smith of Greenbelt, who performed his entry, with instrumentation, and submitted it on tape. David wins the two-foot-high first-prize trophy from the 1980 Washington, D.C., "Tough Gal" competition, whatever the heck that was. His ballad appears below, and a sound bite of his performance is available today on Post Haste. Dial 202-334-9000. The code is 8161.

The Ballad of Jeanie & Kevin

By David Smith

Love never came easy to Jeanie DeLisi,
And Kevin was cuddly but shy.
Still, her wit bright as sterling
Had set his heart whirling
When her name in the paper he spied.

But Kevin & Jeanie were busy young people
With busy young overfilled plates.
And their schedules never allowed them the time
To go out on an actual date.

So he flatters his female by voice mail and e-mail.
She downloads a diskful of love.
It sure is a rare fax he faxes from Fairfax,
All doodled with diamonds and doves.

She answers by billboards, by telex and FedEx,
By classified ads by the score.
And so on it goes till the night he proposes
By leaving a note on her door.

I won't be forgetting their conference-call wedding
With music by touch-tone to hear.
And the Faerie's recital of Kahlil Gibran
Brought a tear to the eye of the Ear.

Their honeymoon trip was the feed from a camera
Set up in a Fiji lagoon.
And they still haven't met, but they hope to beget
Their first child, in vitro, in June.

So our fine Faerie Cupid was surely not stupid
To try to set up a romance.
I guess something solemn can start in a column,
Not just at a honky-tonk dance.
But still there's a question that needs some digestion

Before our fine Faerie can boast:
Were Jeanie and Kevin a match made in Heaven
Or made in The Washington Post?

We are moist with emotion. Now, to the constellations:

Second Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Lyra ("The Lyre"). New Constellation: Lyra ("The Liar"). (Milt Eisner, McLean)

First Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Libra. New Constellation: The constellation formerly known as Libra (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the Winner of the Uncle Sam hat:

Old Constellation: Camelopardus ("The Giraffe"). New Constellation: Necrocamelopardus ("The Dead Giraffe"). (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Old: Columba. New: Columbia, Md. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville)

Old: Hercules. New: Combo Meal. (Mike Collins, Dale City)

Old: Virgo ("The Virgin"). New: Beepus ("The Road Runner"). (Alex de los Reyes, St. Bernadette School, Silver Spring)

Old: Draco ("The Dragon"). New: Graco ("The Stroller"). (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

Old: Orion ("The Hunter"). New: Simon ("The Senator"). (Don Maclean, Burke)

And Last: Old: Leo ("The Lion")

New: Mongoose ("The Style Invitational Prize"). (John Kammer, Herndon; also Mark Lesko, Springfield)