Week 109: Send Us Your Mail Parts
From a Norwegian restaurant: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
From an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From an auto repair shop in Majorca: Here speeching American.
Outside a men's-only Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman.
In a Tokyo hotel: You are invited to take advantage of chambermaid.
Above are allegedly real signs, in comically fractured English, compiled by American travelers in foreign lands. We can't vouch for their authenticity; they were dumped anonymously into our Internet address, but they sure sound right, don't they? We're looking for similarly funny examples of pidgin English that try to say one thing, but actually say something quite different. First-prize winner gets a fabulous book about bodily fluids, a value of $ 25. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 109, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 106, when we asked you to supply captions to any of four cartoons.
Fifth Runner-Up (Cartoon B) -- The Big Apple Dumpling. (Mike Thring, Leesburg)
Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon D) -- When olives dream . . . (Martin Lawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C) -- Of the many personality quirks attributed to the late J. Edgar Hoover, few knew of his crack problem. (Andrew Forin, Alexandria)
Second Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- Richardson knew only one reasonable course of action to take after realizing he had tragically mistaken a rectal for an oral thermometer. (John Kammer, Herndon)
First Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation, F. Lee Bailey announces his intention to swim the River Styx and personally depose Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)
And the winner of the bejangled jester's hat:
(Pete Clime, Frederick)
Honorable Mentions:
Cartoon A
I don't know what this is, but Rush will blame it on Hillary. (Lani Jacobson, Reston)
Dan Quayle testing the waters for president . . . (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also, Margaret Smith, Hyattsville)
F. Lee Bailey demonstrates his latest theory that the murders were committed by illegal immigrant frogmen armed with sharpened screwdrivers, who travel via the sewer system and who carry briefcases filled with vials of other people's blood. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt)
H.F. Phillips, inventor of the Phillips-head screwdriver, commits an ironic suicide. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
New Republican application procedure for NEA grants. (Kevin Mellema, Washington)
Although Cecil's life insurance policy paid double if he were electrocuted in a bathtub, it paid nothing if he drowned. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
The plaintiff later sued the manufacturer of the screwdriver for not including a warning label. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Demonstration of West Virginia microwave. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria)
Cartoon B
"No, dammit! The mayor wanted a huge Fourth of July party on Liberty Island." (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
Only rarely does Liberty bend its knees to the throne. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
The statue in front of the Federal Regulatory Commission. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
The very first image that pops into Chuck Smith's head when he thinks about America and freedom and the hallowed legacy of our founding fathers. (David W. Long, Kensington)
Enema Lazarus heeds her muse. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
If the City ever slept. (John Murphy, Herndon)
The replica wasn't exact, but it was cheap, so the town fathers in Wheeling decided to install it in the town square anyway. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Give me your tired, your poop . . . (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; also, Joseph Romm, Washington)
Cartoon C
This is the woman who tries on swimwear just before you do. (John Kammer, Herndon)
The Coppertone Girl plans her comeback. (Paul Styrene, Olney; also, Allen R. Breon, Columbia)
Sadie's eating disorder was never more evident than the day she ate her hands and feet. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
One more crack like that and we are going to have to hire another modeling agency. (Bob Weber, Purcellville)
Cartoon D
Told by Congress what he can do with D.C.'s budget, Marion Barry doesn't even get that right. (Don Maclean, Burke)
The defense contractor thought that the Army had ordered Patriotic missiles. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
The world's unluckiest sky diver. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Duh the Impaler never gained the notoriety of his brother Vlad. (Bob Weber, Purcellville)
The only way to really kill a politician is to drive a Washington Monument through his heart. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
A D.C. tourist, victim of the latest in terror, a drive-by monumenting. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
Evel Knievel's nearsighted stepchild, Not-So-Bad Knievel, fouls up a motorcycle jump over the Washington Monument. (John Ferguson Jr., Washington)
The type of bad thing that can happen when you carelessly say, "Hey, toss me that monument, will ya?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
A shake for breakfast and lunch, a sensible dinner and a large monument through the stomach helped me lose 20 pounds! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Few people know that vampires can also be killed by driving a salt shaker through them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
NEXT WEEK: Cluster's Last Stand.