Week 107: Clusters' Last Stand


For some time, we have been troubled by the constellations, which were discovered by persons of yore with comical haircuts and names like Theophrastus Bombastus the Lesser, persons in togas who would look heavenward, see, like, six stars in a random cluster, and declare authoritatively that it was "Bodacius the Water Carrier Impaling a Sloth on a Yardarm." Frankly, with the exception of the two dippers, we've never seen any constellation that looked even remotely like what it was supposed to be. So: It is time to reinterpret the constellations. Take an actual star cluster, redraw the lines into a different image, and give it a new name. You may use the constellations above, or any other, but the constituent stars must be accurately placed. The funniest ideas will win. You will not be judged on the quality of your drawing. Hey, if we were all as talented as Mr. Robert Staake of St. Louis, Mo., we would all be gouging The Washington Post for gargantuan fees every time we produced a primitive little sketch that takes, what, roughly nine seconds to draw, which would work out to an approximate salary of $ 235 million per year for Mr. Robert Staake of the St. Louis, Mo., if he actually spent more than three minutes a day working. Not that we are bitter. Anyway, Mr. Staake will redraw the winning entries, if he can find the time in his busy schedule. First-prize winner receives a red, white and blue stovepipe hat that makes the wearer look like a cross between Uncle Sam and a gibbering street lunatic. Purchased for $ 35, this is the same hat worn with dignity and distinction last week by Washington Post honcho editor Tom Wilkinson as he presided over the famed Post "weekend meeting" to plan coverage of the important global issues such as Chechnya. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 107, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 104, in which you were asked to submit poems of which the first line was a name and the third line was its homonym.

This got the highest response total to date. We stopped counting at 9,000 entries. More than 500 people submitted the highly original idea that the Style Invitational should at long last "Chuck" Smith.

Third Runner-Up:

John Travolta,
Everyone thought your career had gone down the
John, Travolta.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Second Runner-Up:

Idi Amin Dada
Beat his kids
Idi, a mean dada.

(Mark Ross, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:

CBS
Gave us Connie Chung, and now we must
See B.S.

(Roger Bea, Vienna)

And the Winner of the Bill Clinton statuette:

(Prince symbol)
Joined an orchestra percussion section. The conductor assigned
The cymbal for the artist formerly known as Prince.

(Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Bill Clinton,
After he leaves office, many, many lawyers will
Bill Clinton.

(Emily E. Manuel, Falls Church)

Tori Spelling
Actor A-K-T -- um, like -- E-R. Actor.
Tori, Spelling.

(Julie Stone, Chantilly)

U Nu
Despite being prime minister of Burma, never, even once, has been listed in the Style Invitational, not even in an honorable mention.
You knew?

(Richard A. Millstein, Potomac)

Gerald Ford
Was on the links. Look out!
Gerald fored.

(Wendy C. Leyes, Chevy Chase)

Fauquier County.
Oh yeah? Well,
(Censored)

(Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Doc Gooden
Says, "Hey, I'm clean." Yeah,
Doc. Good 'un.

(Mark Holland, Danville, Va.)

Socks the cat
Is so irritating that his Secret Service agent
Socks the cat.

(Madi Green, Arlington; also Kathy Weisse, Sykesville)

Joycelyn Elders.
Her straight talk to kids was
Jostlin' elders.

(Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

The artist formerly known as Prince
Lapsed into such obscurity that he became as much
"The artist formerly known" as "Prince." (David Smith, Greenbelt)

Mickey Spillane
Partied one night with Desi Arnaz, whose wife said, "You two better have a damn good reason for rolling home at 4 a.m.," and Desi said, "Honey, chure we do! Um, ah,
Mickey, 'splain."

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Wes Unseld
Was such a bad coach that hundreds of Bullets fans canceled their season tickets. It's appalling how many tickets
Wes unselled.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Did you know there was a John Athol, 8th Duke of England, who died in 1942? I'll just eschew a joke here. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Fidel Castro
Eats so much during trips abroad that his chefs snicker, "Uh-oh, time to
Feed 'El Gastro.' "

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

God,
If they print this one my friends will treat me like a
God.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Anwar Sadat
Should pretty well have decomposed by now.
Anwar's a dot.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Grover Cleveland
Benjamin Harrison,
Grover Cleveland

(Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Dan Quayle
Misunderstood the rules of this contest.
Dan Rostenkowski

(Dave Jenkins, Arlington)

Billie Jean King,
Desperate for bucks, sold her name to Levi's, now is
Billie, "Jean King"

(Ellen Dean, Frederick)

Magic Johnson
(Insert joke here)
Magic Johnson

(Mark Lesko, Springfield)

Prince Charles
So indiscreet in your affair with Camilla that you left everything but
Prints, Charles.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And Last:

e.e. cummings
wrote poetry
in unconventional formats.

(Scooter Krattenmaker, Washington)