Week 106: Drawing Conclusions


Who are these people, and what are they doing? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a crushed velvet, bejangled jester's cap, a value of $ 35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 106, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net.

Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 103, in which we asked for solutions to the District's financial woes.

One of our favorite entries was from Jean Sorenson of Herndon, who wins some complimentary Beano products we happen to have around the office. Jean's idea might actually work -- if not as a revenue source for the city, certainly for some enterprising thug. We offer it here, free of charge: Set up a downtown concession stand where tourists can have their pictures taken with an actual Washington felon. He could hold up his mug shot!

Fifth Runner-Up: Have city workers spill coffee on themselves at area McDonald's. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Fourth Runner-Up: Reopen Dick Nixon's bowling alley in the White House. Charge only a buck a game, but really gouge 'em for the shoes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up: Change the city's name to The Shops at Washington Gables, at District of Columbia Acres. This will attract a more well-to-do element. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Second Runner-Up: For $ 25, you can add your signature to the Declaration of Independence. (Bruce Gersh, Bethesda)

First Runner-Up: Convince Herbert Haft that leaving all his money to the city would really screw his family. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

And the winner of the elk hoof pencil holder:

Marion Barry should ask the governor of West Virginia if he has two tens for a five. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church)

Honorable Mentions:

Charge the State of Washington royalties for using the name. $ 722 million ought to cover it. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Require all 45,000 District employees to pick up their checks at the Bureau of Traffic Adjudication, in person, each Friday between 3 and 4 p.m. Require all checks to be cashed at the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs between 4 and 5 p.m. The District keeps the uncashed checks. (Harry Chernoff, Great Falls)

Get people to stop saying "Murder Capital of the World" like it's some kind of bad thing. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

The sound that Metro trains make when their doors close? Change it to sponsors' melodies. (Example: Old chime -- ding-dong. New chime -- "Come see the softer side of Sears." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Hire Shapiro, Bailey and Cochran to prove the city is not in debt. (Vance Greer, Sterling; also, Gordon Labow, Bowie)

Advertise a "How to Avoid D.C. Scam Artists" course through the Learning Annex. Take the money and run. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Cut Lincoln out of his chair in the memorial. A chair that big has to have at least $ 1 million in loose change rolling around in the cushions. (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg)

Announce that the District will never charge anybody taxes, ever. As soon as enough people move in, raise taxes to 90 percent. When people begin to leave, abolish all taxes. Keep doing this until they get wise. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

A new product: Start marketing Mayor Barry's own "I Can't Believe It's Not Crack" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Change the Pick 3 numbers game to Pick 3 Letters, but don't change the payoff odds. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Let several thousand giraffes loose in the District. Charge men a hefty fine when they inevitably respond to their primal urge to hunt them. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Point out that before continental drift, France was part of the District, and fine the French for illegal secession. (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

Install coin-operated turnstiles in halfway houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Start charging people to urinate on Metro elevators. Stop giving it away. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Set up a dunking booth featuring Marion Barry and Sharon Pratt Kelly and let citizens "vote" for who caused the deficit. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

The city should bring its lunch to work instead of eating out all the time. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Remove the brakes from the Washington Monument elevators and turn them into "George Washington's Tower of Terror." (Ken Paisner, Woolcott, N.Y.)

And Last:

Okay, follow my logic here. Three salesmen check into a hotel and get one room for $ 60, each paying $ 20. Then the semi-honest clerk discovers that the room is only $ 55, so he refunds the salesmen $ 1 each and pockets the $ 2. Now each salesman has paid $ 19 each, which is $ 57 total. Plus, the clerk has $ 2. Where is the missing dollar? This must happen all the time. If D.C. can just figure out where all the dollars go and get a hold of them ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)