Week 103: Send Help.
1. Sit in the Speaker's Chair, $ 10. Sit in the Speaker's lap, $ 5.
2. Seek corporate sponsorship for the monuments. Who could object to "The Bic Washington Monument" or "The Ford Lincoln Memorial"?
3. Declare "crack" a commodity. Start trading futures on the open market.
This Week's Contest was suggested by Larry Hinders, of Fredericksburg, who wins a nun-motif snow globe. Larry proposes that you come up with ways to raise badly needed cash for the District of Columbia. (Ideas can require cooperation by the federal government, on federal property.) First-prize winner gets a tasteful pencil holder made from the hoof and ankle of an elk, a value of $ 40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 103, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The first person who correctly identifies Forsyth P. Jones wins a T-shirt. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 100, in which we asked you to retell any of these jokes in the style of someone famous.
Joke 1: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then another ostrich lopes by and says, "Say, where is everybody?" Joke 2: A reporter comes up to four diplomats and asks them, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is 'excuse me'?" Joke 3: "My dog has no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" "He stinks!"
Third Runner-Up -- Joke 3, told by Rep. Dick Armey: My fag has no nose. What? What's wrong? I said dog. My dog has no nose. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Second Runner-Up: -- Joke 2, as told by "The McLaughlin Group":
WELCOME TO "THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP." BUT FIRST LARRY WANTS TO TELL A JOKE!
Thanks, John. I want to tell a joke before we ...
WELL, WHAT'S THE JOKE?
Uh, okay. Here it is. A reporter went to Washington one day, and ...
HURRY UP, LARRY!
...and he met four diplomats. So he walked up to them, and said, "Excuse me, what's your opinion ..."
GET TO THE PUNCHLINE NOW, LARRY!
Okay, and the Frenchman said, "What is 'excuse me'?"
I DON'T GET IT, LARRY!
Well, John, there's always been a view of the French as being rude, and ...
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BEING RUDE!
(Mark Murray, Arnold)
--
First Runner-Up -- Joke 3, as told by Aldrich Ames: My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
The runes are cast in August and the roses are in bloom. I want my money. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
And the winner of the Treetops Singer:
Joke 3, as told by the Watergate conspirators:
RN: Okay, John, could you talk to Kleindienst about ...
JE: Yeah, we have to check with [unintelligible] to see if ...
HRH: Yeah, that dog. It didn't appear as if that dog ...
RN: Stupid dog, getting in the way like that ...
JM: There was something wrong with it, it didn't appear ...
JE: Didn't appear to be [unintelligible] quite right ...
HRH: Nose, yeah. There was something about the nose ...
JM: Didn't, ah.
JM: Didn't have one.
RN: Yeah, don't, don't they ...
HRH: Yeah, need them [unintelligible]. Dogs smell things.
RN: Stupid dog.
JM: How do you think it ...
JE: How would it ...
HRH: Smell pretty [expletive deleted] bad.
RN: We better cover this up.
(Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
Honorable Mentions:
Joke 1, as told by Wilt Chamberlain: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then, I walk by and see all these ostriches with their heads in the sand, and the thought rushes through my mind, "Wow! This is going to do wonders for my average!" (Bernard Davis, Chevy Chase)
Joke 3, as told by Newt Gingrich: Some dogs don't want noses. They prefer to have them cut off. (John Kammer, Herndon)
Joke 2, as told by Sharon Pratt Kelly: A reporter walks up to Connie Chung, Bill Clinton and Marion Barry and she says, "Off the record, I was hoping to get some opinions about Mrs. Gingrich's statement that the first lady is a bitch." Chung says, "What is 'off the record?' " Clinton says, "What do you mean, bitch? That's no bitch, that is my wife." And Barry says, "What do you mean by 'hoping to get some'?" (Chris Stelzig, Silver Spring)
Joke 3, as told by Jesse Jackson: So it's time to quit complaining about the olfactory, and start opening some new factories . . . (John Kammer, Herndon)
Joke 2, as told by Howard Stern: A stuttering reporter walks up to four diplomats -- a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi -- and he asks them how big their wee-wees are and did they ever fart at an important meeting. Then I get a million dollars. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg)
Joke 2, as told by Saddam Hussein: A reporter walks up to four people in the street and asks what they think of current living conditions. "Living conditions are terrible," says the first man, who is immediately shot dead. "Things are getting better," said the second man, who is also shot dead. The third man looks tentatively around and says, "Things are pretty good these days," and he, too, is shot dead on the spot. To save time, the fourth man is shot dead before he can speak. That's what happens to people who speak to reporters. (John Kammer, Herndon)
Joke 2, as told by Keith Richards: So there's three gents, all from different countries. Diplomatic sorts, or some such. And they're standing around chatting about this or that. (Pauses to light cigarette. Glances around, confused.) Did I just say something? (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Joke 1, as told by Jerry Seinfeld: Ever notice that a lion has a scent that wafts? Why is that? My scent doesn't waft. It just sits there. No wafting. Just sitting. I tried wafting my scent, but I pulled a muscle . . . (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Joke 2, as told by Henry Foster: A reporter walks up to a diplomat. Well, actually, it was more than one diplomat, it was four, or maybe more than four, but certainly fewer than a dozen. Okay, a reporter walks up to no more than 39 diplomats . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; also, Sarah Worcester, Bowie)
Joke 3, as told by Cmdr. Data from "Star Trek: The Next Generation": My dog has no nose and does not smell very well because of this condition. I do not understand why this is funny. (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring)
Joke 3, as told by Jeffrey Dahmer: My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Delicious, but I think I'll leave him in the microwave another minute. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Joke 2, as told by the Czar of the Style Invitational: A reporter walks up to four of his colleagues at the Simpson trial and asks them, "Do you think that the bloody socks the police found in the mansion will be enough to tip the scales?" The reporter from The Washington Post says, "No way, it is inadmissible evidence." The reporter from the National Enquirer says, "Who cares, everyone knows O.J. is guilty." The reporter from the Village Voice says, "It's a disgrace, one man living in a house like that when millions are homeless." And the reporter from the Charlestown, W.Va, Mail-Express says, "What are socks?"(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Next Week: There Was No Contest. Or Was There?