WEEK 95: HOW’S THAT AGAIN?


(Post headline shown as a graphic)

Allen to End

Sex Therapy

In Va. Prisons

(caption: )

Gov. George Allen announced today that he is cured and thanked the prisoners at the Bland and Haynesville correctional centers for helping him overcome his sexual problems…

(Cartoon with Bob Staake’s own lettering, of a man typing at a computer: )

CLINTON AGREES TO SLASH ART

Bowing to Republican pressure, President Clinton suddenly took an 8” stiletto to the Georges Seurat painting ‘Sunday in the Park’.

This week’s contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a drinking duck. Joseph suggests that you take any headline appearing anywhere in The Post this week (today through Saturday) and completely rewrite the first lines of the story to put a different, unintended spin on it. (The headline above was taken from The Post of Dec. 29.) Compose your new story carefully; in the event of similar ideas, the best-written one will win. Make sure you clip out the headline, or at least indicate which page it appeared on. On this weekend that Elvis turns 60, first-prize winner gets a clock made from an electric guitar featuring Elvis’s face, a spectacular prize with a value of $50.

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 95, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print urgently requests an explanation of how the drinking duck works. First correct entry wins a drinking duck. Funniest incorrect entry wins another drinking duck. We have drinking ducks up the gazoo. Thank you. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 92, in which we asked you to come up with passages from novels that might have been written by celebrities.

Fourth Runner-Up: Fred met a girl at a bar. They went to a hotel and had sex. On the way out of the hotel, we had sex with the coat-check girl. Then he had sex with the meter maid in the back of her little truck. On the way home, he had sex with six or seven other women. He was not exaggerating about the number of women he had sex with. It was really possible to sleep with that many. On the way up to his apartment, he had sex with the elevator operator ... From "Score!" by Wilt Chamberlain (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Third Runner-Up: "Do you want a bonbon?" asked J.J., as he put on the Yo Yo Ma tape. "I'm gaga about them," replied Gigi, in her black chichi dre. Bang! Bang! Two dumdum bullets smashed through the double-paned window. J.J. and Gigi were both dead before their bodies hit the wall-to-wall carpeting. From "Bang Bang, You're Dead, Dead!" by Boutros Boutros Ghali (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: By the time she woke up, the kids were all out of the house. It was just as well: she had a lot to do today. She had to call to see if the Caddy was ready to be picked up. She had to go down to the welfare office to pick up her check. And, she thought, on the way back she better stop by the saloon and pick up a potent stud--her accountant had warned her that unless she got another dependent pretty soon her cash flow was going to suffer.... From "Slut" by Jesse Helms (Paul Alter, Hyattsville)

First Runner-Up: She pushed herself away from the throbbing insistence of his firmness. "Everything, everything," she said. "What's wrong?" He tugged at the frayed waistband of the cheap boxer shorts. "He's my husband, Frank. He owns half the town and he'd love nothing better than to ruin you." "Who the hell in Clyde Manning and why should I be afraid of him?" he said. She reached and stroke the pale shadow of his jaw. "My children, my home, my reputation," she said. "What have you got to lose?" he asked. "Oh, Frank ... you make it all sound so easy." From "A Questionable Affair," by Alex Trebek (W. Tyler Estler, Adamsville)

And the winner of the flying-elephant oil and vinegar dispenser:

He awoke with a world-class hangover and simply couldn't face the prospect of going to work. So he called the office and said he would be out sick again. "Let whatsizface take over for me, like he always does when I'm not feeling well." Stumbling into the kitchen, he took out his biggest tumbler and filled it half to the top with milk, which he mixed with an equal amount of gin... From "Maybe Manana," by Cal Ripken Jr. (Robert Pack, Bethesda)

Honorable Mentions:

"Detective Jones," said the district attorney. "I've got some bad news. In 2.0000567 days, the 3.99456 killers you put away 13.999958 years ago will be released from prison." The news hit Jone like 1,999.854 pounds of bricks.

From "The Clock Struck 11.998432" by Andrew Grove, CEO of Intel (Joseph Romm, Washington)

I was born in a small log cabin--well, actuall the cabin was made of dead trees struck down by a storm, probably the result of upper-atmospheric disturbances exacerbated by a decreasing ozone layer. No endangered or threatened deciduous species were cut, and some were left to provide a micro-habitat for mold, and for small invertebrates and crustacea to rebuild the forest. The cabin was made with implements that cost only a fraction of those our Defense Department now currently procures through a bureaucratic system now being reformed through on-line computerized ordering, not, of course, available to me as a child.

From "Saved," by Al Gore (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

Ramificating the causalities, he expedited a concomitance of coindici, predestinating her quiescently to his carnalities.

From "Sesquipedian" by Al Haig

[male symbol] + [female symbol]
[male symbol] - [female symbol]
[heart]
[male symbol x [female symbol] = [small male symbol] [small female symbol] [small female symbol]

From "[heart]" by [Prince symbol] (Joseph Romm, Washington)

It may or may not have been a dark and/or stormy night ...

From "Straight Talk," by Mario Cuomo (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

My day was not starting well at all. The alarm clock went off at 7, but it was a wind-up model and didn't say a.m. or p.m. Then I wanted to have some yogurt for breakfast, but the freshness date on the carton was May 1, and it was still only early April ... From "One Darn Thing After Another," by Dan Quayle
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Elmer could think of 100 reasons why he should seduce this mystery vixen, this pouting sex kitten. The top ten: 10. Her McGuffeys weren't no mystery. 9. Nothing on late shows, anyway. 8. Better than watching buddy Paul play his organ. 7. She reminded him of Big Ass ham. 6. Eager to try new Buttafuoco cologne. 5. Tired of dating Rosie Palmer. 4. His current dry spell made Bud Melman look promiscuous. 3. Wanted to prove he had degree from Ball State. 2. Didn't need no surgeon general to teach him how. 1. Sister just moved back to West Virginia.

From "Ten" by David Letterman (Dan Royer, Alexandria)

The early morning light broke softly through the puffy clouds in a pale blue sky. PhDs, professional people and decent contented strong working men and women of all types walked briskly to begin their highly paid days in soaring gleaming towers and humming spotless air-conditioned ergonomically
designed nonpolluting factories. Scrubbed and bright-eyed children of all races walked hand-in-hand to their neighborhood schools, there to feast on Proust, Aristotle, and Rousseau. Another typical day was beginning in West Virginia...

From "Heaven" by Sen. Jay Rockefeller (Elden Carnahan, Laurel}