Week 71: Caption Crunch, III


This week's contest was proposed by Fred Kaiser of Washington. Fred wants you to come up with a new, funnier caption for any picture or illustration anywhere in today's newspaper. This is particularly interesting because the Style Invitational is printed a day in advance, and as we write this, we have no idea which pictures will appear in the Sunday paper. Isn't this exciting? Fred wins a realistic human arm that can dangle outside a car trunk or extend up from a toilet bowl or something nifty like that. Anyway, make sure to include with your entry either the picture or a photocopy of the picture you are captioning. First-prize winner gets a colorful, working Coca-Cola clock featuring a 1950s soda fountain scene, an item everyone agrees would be a real period-piece work of art if it were constructed of ceramic or wood instead of plastic the approximate thickness of a human cornea. It is worth $ 40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 71, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness, or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 68, in which you were asked to come up with new signs of the zodiac, together with one day's horoscope.

But first. . .

CORRECTION AND APOLOGY

Because of an editing error, a major figure in world history was misidentified in last week's Style Invitational. Coming from the editors of this vulgar feature, the mistake was as appalling and inexcusable as if the Washington Post had written "President Elmo Clinton" or "the composer Marvin van Beethoven," or "The Messiah, Rutherford B. Christ."

Accordingly, The Washington Post extends its apologies to the descendants of inventor Thomas Crapper, who was tragically misidentified as "John Crapper."

Fifth Runner-Up: TUCHUS: You'll get a little behind in your schedule today. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville, Md.)

Fourth Runner-Up: LIBRIUM: You will have a terrible day, but you won't care. (Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt)

Third Runner-Up: OREO: You may feel yourself pulled apart today. (Lyell Rodieck, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: TSURIS: Better you should stay home. (Stu Segal, Vienna)

First Runner-Up: FECES: Watch your step. Avoid electric fans. (Jean C. Clancy, Fairfax; Joe Sisk, Arlington)

And the winner of the painting of the "Abbey Road" cover featuring Bogie and Dean and Marilyn and Elvis:

TEDIUS: You will wake up. You will stretch your left arm. You will stretch your right arm. You will yawn. You will stretch your left leg. You will rub your right eye. You will yawn again. You will . . . (Christie Houser, Alexandria)

Honorable Mentions

CUOMO: Do not make a decision today. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

LEONA: Everybody hates you. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

ENIGMA: Spend Sunday as if it were Thursday. Monday finds you wishing it were Wednesday. Avoid non-sequential weasels. (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas)

HYPOCHONDRIA: You have cancer today. You will have pimples tomorrow. (Kate Weizel, Bowie)

ENNUI: Today will be so, oh I don't know, dissatisfying. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; also, Dawn-Michele Gould, Germantown)

HILARIUS: Today you have to screw in a light bulb. Be original. (Bill Harvey, Alexandria)

TAURIST: You are going to visit new places, meet new people and pay 20 bucks for a seven-block cab ride. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

ARSENIO: You are past your prime. (Larry Gordon, Potomac)

ZEBRA: It's not a good day to be with a Leo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

CAPRIATI: Stay off the grass. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.; Gordon A. Janis, Washington)

HERPES: Avoid flare-ups with loved ones. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington; Annie Wauters, Washington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring))

GIGOLO: Stay away from Virgos. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

JIMINY: Stay on the straight and narrow! Don't steal, cheat or lie! (Eric Chang, Silver Spring)

THESAURUS: Find new ways to express yourself. (David Siltman, Gaithersburg)

ZEPPO: Your siblings may garner more attention than you. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

BIMINI: Avoid photographers. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

VACUOUS -- Smile. Have a nice day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. (Starr Mayer, Hayes, Va.)

CAPRACORN: You will live happily ever after. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Next Week: There Oughta Be a Law