Week 61: No Hard Feelings


This Week's Contest was occasioned by the fact that the Style Invitational is changing artists. After a spectacular run of 60 weeks, Marc Rosenthal is being replaced by Bob Staake, though Marc will be returning for occasional guest appearances. Just to show he is not bitter, Marc has drawn us a few cheerful farewell panels. All you have to do is fill in the balloons. Answer one or more than one. (Answers on a separate page are fine.) First prize winner receives magician's escapable leg shackles, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 61, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of the Fine Print announces that the winner of the contest to invent a word for idiots who submit old, unoriginal entries to the Style Invitational is Jacob Weinstein of Washington. Jacob has coined the term "plagiarists," which, he says, comes from plagiarus, which means kidnapper in Latin. "Latin is a complicated language I made up when I was in kindergarten," he reports. "Kindergarten is a concept I came up with in 1840 under the pseudonym Freidrich Froebel." Jacob wins a Jinx Remover candle. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 58, in which we asked you to write a script for "Casablanca II," planned as a TV miniseries.

Second Runner-Up: Widow Ilsa (Jessica Tandy) returns to Casablanca on a tour and is surprised to find that Rick (Hume Cronyn) is still alive. They repeat lots of dialogue from the original movie. Tandy acts coy. Cronyn acts spry. Reviewers gush and hail it as a sensitive exploration of romance in the golden years. It is actually four hours of crushing boredom. Tandy and Cronyn get nominated for Emmys because they are old. They lose. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

First Runner-Up: Rick (Bill Murray) wakes up to find that Ilsa (Andie MacDowell) has not arrived in Casablanca yet. After putting Ilsa and Laszlo (Chris Elliott) on the plane for the umpteenth time, Rick catches on that he is reliving the same plot over and over. The next day he punches Sam (Ted Danson) in the mouth for playing "As Time Goes By" and he can no longer finish his hill o' beans speech without bursting into laughter. The movie ends when Rick finally says "Play It Again, Sam." (Joseph Romm, Washington; also, Ward Kay, Gaithersburg)

And the Winner of "Plan 9 From Outerspace":

The flight to Portugal turns into a nightmare when a malevolent alien life form attacks passengers and crew. With full splatter effects, the humans are killed one by one until only Victor (Sly Stallone), flying the plane, and Ilsa (Sigourney Weaver) are left. Hearing their distress call over the radio, Rick (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sam (Wesley Snipes) fly to the rescue in a stolen German fighter. Rick makes a sensational midair transfer to the larger plane, and he and Ilsa force the creature out onto the wing where Sam annihilates it with machine-gun fire. But as Rick and Ilsa embrace, Victor emerges from the cockpit, his features strangely distorted . . . (David Laughton, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Opening shot: Close-up of Victor drinking a can of Diet Coke. Ilsa flies by Northwest from wherever she was to meet Victor. Later that night: Ilsa walks into Victor's room wearing nothing but a Swatch watch. For the next 15 minutes, Victor and Ilsa have sex. After sex, they smoke Marlboros. While all this is going on, Rick is captured by Islamic fundamentalists in Egypt, where many violent things occur in slow motion. He is rescued by Victor and Ilsa, driving a Toyota 4-by-4. (Ryuta Ohtani, Canton, N.Y.)

Laszlo and Ilsa are returned to Casablanca when the Nazis suddenly remember they don't really give a damn about de Gaulle's signature on letters of transit. Ilsa reports Rick to the National Organization for Women, claiming he insists on doing the thinking for both of them. Sam objects to being sold with Rick's Cafe and reports Rick to the EEOC . . . (Dennis McDermott, Alexandria)

Ilsa (Sharon Stone) wakens from her morning slumber. The place next to her in the bed is empty. She looks out past the bedroom window and rubs her eyes in disbelief. She sees the Eiffel Tower. She hears the shower running and moves into the bathroom. She wipes the steam from the shower door. There stands Rick (Tom Cruise). "But Rick," she says, "you stayed at the airport in Casablanca!" Rick laughs. "It must have been another of your dreams. Why don't you come in and soap my back? After all, we have a train to catch!" (Joe Willmore, Alexandria)

Rick and Louis' friendship blossoms into something truly beautiful. They spend many nights lamenting the fact that they will not be able to openly join the U.S. Army until they are both nearly 100 years old . . . (Jim London, Rockville)

Rick does in fact reach America, where he opens a fast-food chain called "Rick's Hill o' Beans" . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ilsa has lost her accent, providing, finally, a breakthrough role for Meredith Baxter Birney . . . (Randy Rieland, Washington)

Next Week: A Grave Affair