Week 60: Ask Backwards III


By Striking Him Repeatedly on the Tuchus

Peter, Paul and Murray

Only Roseanne Arnold

Because No One Asked

Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Toothbrush

That First Geeky Day of a New Haircut

It Rhymes With Orange

Stinkle

Gargantua and Pantagruel

The Ear No One Reads

Confucius Rosenblatt

Jonathan Livingston Maggot

Mooooooo

Because You Can't Eat a Bowling Ball

Dr. Jonas Salk & Larry From the Three Stooges

Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler?

This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more than one. First-prize winner gets a terra-cotta lawn pig and a terra-cotta lawn bunny, a total value of $ 60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 60, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 57, in which you were asked to write captions to one of four cartoons we supplied.

Fourth Runner-Up (Picture C): Bernice misunderstands her promotion to Head Waitress. (Ron Kaufman, Springfield)

Third Runner-Up (Picture A): The Other Wright Brother, Shemp. (David Waldman, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-Up (Picture D): At a press conference announcing his candidacy for mayor, Marion Barry insists he suffers no residual effect from his prior cocaine use. (Stuart Beardall, Fairfax)

First Runner-Up (Picture D): The "fishbowl" carcinoma, a rare tumor that develops only after years of sticking cigarettes up the nose. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington)

And the Winner of the Rotting Skull:

(Picture C) A flight attendant cheerfully demonstrates the new recommended dining procedure enabling airlines to further compress knee space. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

Honorable Mentions:

Picture A:

Weird Uncle Bernie, the Flying Wallenda no one talks about. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

As the Cold War ends, it becomes apparent that Solzhenitsyn's exile had little to do with his writings. (Tom Meyer, Alexandria)

The true story of Rasputin's death was less dramatic, but still arresting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Guinness record holder for the most consecutive times saying "What are you looking at?" (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro)

Tolstoy sets out to prove that "War and Peace" is really light reading. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.)

Eventually a security guard watching the roof of the Library of Congress caught on as to how the first editions were disappearing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Picture B:

Davy Crockett's capmaker during a raccoon shortage. (John Cushing, Washington)

The wrong way to milk a cat. (Steve Dunham, Fredericksburg)

Time was of the essence to John Wayne Bobbitt's doctor. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Picture C:

Suzy, ever the optimist, decided to make the best of having a plate in her head. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington)

Buffet-style dining for lap-impaired people. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

Julia Child creates a meal off the top of her head. (Kathy Hanger, Arlington)

The no-seefood diet. (Sarah Guy, Mechanicsville, Va.)

Picture D:

After turning 60, Paul McCartney's efforts to be the walrus got more and more pathetic. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)

When Steve had ordered fish and chips this was not quite what he had in mind. (Steven King, Alexandria)

Charles Kuralt in his new job promoting ways to conceal baldness while cultivating enough nose hair to sustain a transplant. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington)

The oldest trick in the book -- breathing through reeds while under water. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The inventor of the bong demonstrates an early unsuccessful prototype. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Ernest Borgnine disguises himself as a walrus hoping for a free lunch at Sea World. (Nancy Kramer, Lovettsville)

Under new anti-smoking guidelines, smokers are permitted to patronize restaurants provided they adhere to certain conditions. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata, Md.)

Fearless D.C. Council member Jack Evans demonstrates that quality nighttime entertainment will still be available after his ban on nude dancing takes effect. (Rafael Eschly, Washington)

After the first two shots, William Tell had to admit he wasn't as good with a spear gun. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Joe's night was not going well at all. He left his house in a fury, missing his toupee and grabbing the fishbowl instead. To top it all off, he misread the no-smoking sign, thinking it said "Nose Smoking Allowed." (Michael Graver, Laurel)

Mr. Paul found it increasingly difficult to hold the attention of the missus. (Donna Kerns, Winchester, Va.)

And Last:

This should get me back into the Style Invitational, Ross Perot thought grimly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Next Week: Play It Again, Denzel