Week 55: Escape Clauses


If extramarital sex isn't cheating as long as you never actually "sleep" with anyone, then . . .

It isn't shoplifting if what you swiped was overpriced.

You are still a vegetarian so long as your burger came from a cow that never ate meat.

This week's contest was suggested by Virginia Sen. Charles Robb, in a manner of speaking. The senator wins a bottle of Indian Spirit "Jinx Remover" bath and floor wash, an excellent product for sale in various dingbat grocery stores and, for some reason, at the Rite Aid Drugs near The Post. Anyway, the senator's semi-explanation last week for his randy behavior raises all sorts of handsome opportunities for other self-serving moral loopholes through which the enterprising 1990s transgressor can crawl. Send them to us. First-prize winner gets the amazing Sword-Through-the-Neck Trick, a value of $ 100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 55, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 52, in which we asked for inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products.

Yes, yes, of course. Dolly Parton for Bounce; Louis Farrakhan for Wite-Out; Ollie North for Nabisco Shredded Wheat; Pee-wee Herman for the Pocket Fisherman; Heidi Fleiss for Trix; Bob Packwood for Huggies. Tell us something we don't know, like:

# Fourth Runner-Up: Oksana Baiul for Saab (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.)

# Third Runner-Up: Sens. Claiborne Pell and Strom Thurmond for Congressional Olds (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

# Second Runner-Up: Adm. Bobby Ray Inman for Chicken of the Sea (Roy Highburg, Bentonville, Va.)

# First Runner-Up: The Jackson family for Chock Full O'Nuts (Nick Dierman, Potomac)

# And the winner of the framed poster of Rocky Marciano:

John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

# Honorable Mentions:

Marla Maples for Gravy Train (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.)

Marion Barry for D.C. Comics (Rose Stack, Arlington)

Fidel Castro for Banana Republic (Barbara Sullivan, Potomac)

Jeff Gillooly for TrashMasher (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Dr. Cecil Jacobson for Jiffy Pop Popcorn. (Don Buening, Dayton)

John Gotti for E-Z Off (C. Buffington, Silver Spring)

John Wayne Bobbitt for No-Doz (Allison Grad, Silver Spring)

The ex-Oriole goldbrick Glenn Davis for La-Z-Boy (Roy Highburg, Bentonville)

Leon Lett for Butterfingers candy bar (Chris Coneeney, Atlanta)

Exxon Valdez pilot Joseph Hazelwood for Cap'n Crunch (Preston Williams, Alexandria; also, Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa., and Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Sting for Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo (Thom Leib, Crofton)

Bill Clinton for Dodge (Dan Goldberg, Burtonsville)

Rose Mary Woods for The Gap (Eileen Kirby, Philadelphia)

Johnny Rotten for Fresh Fields (Heidi Jean Waters, Arlington)

Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Dexter Manley for ABC (Fred Burton, McLean)

Michael Dukakis for General Dynamics (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.)

Michael Jackson for Kinko's (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

# And Last:

John Wayne Bobbitt for Woodies (Linda Douglas, Fairfax)

Next Week: How We Changed America.