Week 41: Rear-End Collusion
HONK IF YOU HATE CHUCK SMITH
MY OTHER CAR WON THE STYLE INVITATIONAL
McGOVERN/EAGLETON '72
SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE SENSE OF HUMOR ON BOARD
Some of you have complained that, week after week, the Style Invitational winner gets a nifty prize, like a bowl of gopher drool, and runners-up get the elegant Loser's T-Shirt featuring what appears to be the likeness of an individual on a toilet, but the Honorable Mention winners, whose mediocre offerings are after all the lifeblood of this squalid feature, get doodly. We have decided to rectify this situation. In the tradition of the Style Invitational, which operates on the hallowed principle "We Do as Little Actual Work as Possible," we will rely on you to rectify it.
This Week's Contest: Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions. Something that somehow captures the spirit and humongous prestige of the contest. Direct reference to the Invitational is not required. Brevity is valued. First-prize winner receives a piping hot bowl of gopher drool. Just kidding. It would make a swell prize, but how would we keep it hot? Winner gets 10 of the bumper stickers plus an unbelievably flimsy Chinese accordion donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, whose profession, alas, must remain a secret. Total first-prize value: $ 20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 41, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Okay, you wormed it out of us. She is a notorious international trafficker in condoms. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 38, In which you were asked to submit "Jeopardy"-like questions in response to several answers we supplied.
But first, an abject apology to "Boogie" Weinglass, the Maryland retailer whom we erroneously referred to as a "lawyer" in last week's Invitational. Mr. Weinglass is not nor has he ever been a lawyer, and The Post's counsel, Mary Ann The Lawyer, instructs us to emphasize that we believe Mr. Weinglass to be a person of unimpeachable integrity who would have to decline the position of pope because it does not befit his dignity. We wish to say to Mr. Weinglass that we are dreadfully sorry for this unintentional and inexcusable slur. By the way, what is "Boogie" short for? Booger?
Okay. The contest at hand:
* Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Great Big Sucking Sound
What preceded the Big Bang? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
* Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi
What two people does Oliver Stone believe did not necessarily help plot the assassination of JFK? (Jim Henley, Silver Spring; also, Tom Reidy, Clinton)
* Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi
Which two people never actually said most of the things commonly attributed to Yogi Berra? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)
* Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Funny You Should Ask
What was John Bobbitt's answer to the police question, "Is anything missing?"
(Joe Guderjohn, Chantilly)
* First Runner-Up -- Answer: Nine Janet Renos
What is the distance from New York to Boston, in prescription-lens thickness units? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington)
* And the winner of the magician's guillotine:
Answer: Nine Janet Renos
Whom will David Koresh face when his appeal reaches the Supreme Court of Hell?
(Tom Meyer, Alexandria)
* Honorable Mentions: Answer:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and Beavis
What doubles team plays tennis against the pope and Butt-head? (John Cushing, Washington; also, Lee Raby, Arlington)
After Butt-head died, what show did MTV pitch to the BBC in London? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Answer: Anywhere He Wants to
Where is The Post's editor allowed to put the comics? (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)
Where does John Bobbitt tell the tailor to put the fly in his pants? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)
Answer: Nine Janet Renos
What will signify the beginning of the Apocalypse? (Robert Walker, Fairfax)
What is "nine the hard way"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
In the Plain but Powerful Women bubble gum card series, what is the value of one Ruth Bader Ginsburg? (Peyton Coyner, Afton)
What is a baseball lineup that makes the Phillies look handsome? (Nancy Rogers, Centreville)
Answer: The Fattest Human Being on Earth
Who should the Capitals consider for goalie with their first pick in next year's amateur draft? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria)
Who will probably be seated next to me on a fully loaded 747 nonstop flight to Australia? (Donald Thomas, Bethesda; also, David Handelsman, Charlottesville)
Answer: Sharon Stone's Drawers
What's the only thing that gets used less than Desmond Howard? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria)
Answer: Goofy
What is G. Gordon Liddy's first name? (Robert Walker, Fairfax)
What did the mayor of Manassas agree to name his first-born child in exchange for a Disney theme park? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington)
Answer: Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso
What three places will achieve U.S. statehood before the District of Columbia? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
What are the three largest countries in North America, according to a National Geographic survey of recent high school graduates? (Richard L. Wong, Arlington)
Answer: My Other Car Is a Giraffe
What does Ed Rollins wish he'd said when he was asked, "How did you win in New Jersey?" (Mary Olson, Springfield)
Answer: Yasser Arafat and Me
To what did they change the name of Suha Arafat's autobiography after "Why I Married an Incredibly Ugly Man" was rejected? ("Moses," Washington)
In what book by Yasser Arafat did it first become apparent that he had multiple personalities? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
* And Last, a fax we received from Kirby Lamb of McLean. In giant, frantic block letters it said,
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONTEST! JUST GIVE ME THE GUILLOTINE!"
It was signed "Lorena Bobbitt, Manassas."
Next Week: Way Outside the Lines.