The Stale Invitational;
Week 19: A Recycled Idea That Was None Too Good to Begin With


ARF WIEDERSEHEN = Put the dog out

THE MAN FROM HYPE = David Gergen

RICHARD NIKON = The never-apprehended surveillance specialist of Watergate

COGITO EGGO SUM = I think, therefore I am a waffle.

LAST ACTION ZERO = Schwarzenegger bombs big time.

This week's contest was proposed by reader Barbara Mayo-Wells of Ellicott City, who wins a pair of cheap earrings that are gigantic replicas of the Elvis stamp, only less attractive. Barbara's idea: Alter a well-known phrase or name by deleting, adding or changing only one letter, and then supply a definition for what results. First-prize winner will receive a genuine Lava-Lite with an inviting blood-and-urine color motif, a value of $ 45. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 19, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 16, in which you were asked to come up with sleazy topics for the daytime TV talk shows.

But first, a weird coincidence. The Style Invitational has conferred a certain shabby notoriety on a few otherwise obscure individuals from fetid backwaters of The Post circulation area. The three most frequent winners to date are Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Bob Zane of Woodbridge ("Woodbridge: The City of Two-Bit Fame") and Stu Segal of Vienna. Now here's the weird part: In this week's contest, Bob, Chuck and Stu independently came up with the same good idea, an idea not duplicated in any of the other 1,200 entries. "Women Who Leave the Toilet Seat Up" is a great talk show topic, but it isn't going to bring home the shirt. Why? Because we are just going to be that way.

Fifth Runner-Up: "Total Idiots Who May Already Have Won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes" (Chris Rooney, Reston)

Fourth Runner-Up: "People Examined in UFOs Who Went Back for Checkups" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up: "Undertakers Who Sell Used Dentures" (James Day, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up: "People Who Have Their Inner Child Circumcised" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.)

First Runner-Up: "Dogs Who Do Their Owners' Homework for Them -- and Then Eat It." (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.)

And the winner of the framed painting of Dogs Playing Poker:

"Penis Litterers" (Kitty Thuermer and Mike Tidwell, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

"My Dog Was My Bridesmaid" (Paul H. Parent, Adelphi)

"Vacuum Cleaner Hickeys -- The Explanation No One Will Believe (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg)

"Men Who Ride Tricycles to Work" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Weight-Challenged People Denied Seats on Roller Coasters" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.)

"Men Who Have Gotten Drunk From the Small Quantities of Alcohol In 'Non-Alcoholic' Beverages" (Aaron Suplizio, Alexandria)

"People Who Became Parents Because They Were Too Embarrassed to Buy Condoms" (Steven King, Alexandria)

"Men Who Are Battered by Their Dogs" (Danielle Therry, Washington)

"When Your Daughter Falls In Love With Lloyd Bentsen" (Danielle Therry, Washington)

KILL... "Men With Priapism and Their Wives Who Have Constant Headaches" (Bob Sibley, Arlington)

"Police Officers Who've Undergone Face Lifts So They Will Look Good if Videotaped During an Attack on a Citizen." (Sue Lazanov, Reston)

KILL... "Women Who Beat Themselves So Their Husbands Don't Have To." (Tom Gearty, Washington)

"My Husband's Son Married My Daughter and The Grandchildren Are Confused" (Tom Reed, Falls Church)

"Doctors Who Use the Words Weenie and Wee-Wee" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge)

"Biological Parents Who Hunt Down Their Adopted Children To Molest Them." (Shari Kallmyer and Cindy Karpaw, Washington)

"Obese Cross Dressers With Visible Panty Lines (Kara Grant, Alexandria)

"Men Whose Noses Resemble Their Genitals" (Cynthia Larsen, Afton, Va.)

"Kids Who Put Their Eyes Out With Sticks" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge)

"Adult Diapers -- The New Lingerie" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"People Who Prefer The Taste of Diet Pepsi With The Syringe In It. (Chris Rooney, Reston)

And Last,

Reporters Who Get Lobotomies So They Can Judge The Style Invitational (James Day, Gaithersburg)