Week 16: "I Am Addicted to an Asinine Newspaper Contest With Crummy Prizes"


"Men Who Get Sex Changes and Then Become Lesbians"

"I Caught My Hubby in a Topless Bar"

"I Am Sleeping With My Best Friend's Mom"

"I Am Sleeping With My Son's Girlfriend"

"Gay Men Who Date Married Men"

"Black Men Who Want to Be Chinese"

"My Husband Spends All His Time in the Toilet"

"Divorced Couples Who Still Do It"

Americans have proved time and again that they will cheerfully flush their dignity right down the pooper for a few minutes of grungy fame on national TV. Half of the above topics actually were aired on the OprahGeraldoSallyJenny circuit. The others are made up. Of course you can't tell the difference, that's our point. This week's contest: Come up with sleazy new topics for the daytime talks.

First-prize winner will receive a ceramic raccoon purchased from a Bethesda hardware store, plus a framed painting of dogs playing poker, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 16, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report From Week 13, in which you were asked to come up with clever anagrams for the names of famous people or institutions.

Many of you have asked why we sometimes have six or seven runners-up, and sometimes only two or three. The answer is that some weeks you are a parliament of drooling nitwits, and other weeks you appear to have gobbled brilliance pills. Like this week. Congratulations, especially to Laura Drohan, our very first T-shirt winner yet to reach puberty.

Tenth Runner-Up: North American Free Trade Agreement = Rare Menace Threatening Rat Freedom (Scott Michael, Alexandria)

Ninth Runner-Up: Thomas Jefferson = Oh, Master Jeff'son! (Douglas M. Delorge, Fairfax)

Eighth Runner-Up: Gerald Ford = Grade F, Lord (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg)

Seventh Runner-Up: Ted Turner = Utter nerd (Marjean Willett, Arlington)

Sixth Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = One huge press pool goat (Jennifer Mendelsohn, Arlington)

Fifth Runner-Up: FBI = Fib (Laura Drohan, 10 years old, Springfield. Submitted in crayon)

Fourth Runner-Up: Washington Redskins = Darkness in sight now (Ian Marc Ories, "Nice Aroma, Sir," Arlington)

Third Runner-Up: Supreme Court = Corrupt? Sue Me. (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = O, Ha! U Lose to "Pops" Gergen (Ned Lilly, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: The economy, stupid = Shout my deception (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)

And the winner of the gigantic, ungainly American flag:

William Jefferson Clinton = "Slim-n-fit. Join now. Call Free!" (John and Donna Hughes-Hasle, Dunn Loring, Va.)

Honorable Mentions:

Tax and Spend Liberal = A Bland, Lax President (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)

Clarence Thomas = To scheme carnal (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Professor Anita Hill = A thin, proofless liar (Mary Lee Fox Roe??? )

George Stephanopoulos = Gergen phases out o' loop (David A. Ames, Crofton, Md.)

Giant Food = A tin of dog (Heidi Waters, Charlottesville)

Ollie North = O, rot in hell (Hank, Leesburg)

Senator Jesse Helms = No jest: He's real mess (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville)

Monica Seles = Camel's noise (P.P. Rao, Oxon Hill)

Boris N. Yeltsin = Nobly sinister (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda)

Michael Jordan = Land heroic jam (Ian Marc Ories, Arlington)

Gennifer Flowers = Elfin news forger (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

Al "Al" Gore = A real log (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Tom Arnold = Man or dolt? (Colleen McGuire, Arlington)

Ronald Wilson Reagan = Ran in an old slow gear (Ed VanderPloeg, Centreville)

George Stephanopoulos = A prologue? Stop. He's gone (Sally Longinotti, Fairfax)

General Motors = Largest no more (Mary Hosek, Alexandria)

William Shatner = What man sillier? (Dorothy Laoang, Rockville)

Slobodan Milosevic = Damn evil socio-slob (Steve Rosenberg, Bowie)

Hillary Rodham Clinton = Choir lady thrill no man (Lynne A. Larkin, Reston)

Geraldo Rivera = A viler dog rear (Mary Hosek, Alexandria)

And Last:

Style Invitational = A vinyl toilet stain (Clara M. Glock, College Park)

Style Invitational = Total Evil Insanity (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring)

The Style Invitational Editor = So Vain, or a Little Tin Deity? (Dee Dee, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Collective Insanity