Week 5: There Ought to Be a Law ...


1. The Lott-Akaka Sewage Treatment Act

2. The Lugar-Kildee-Mann Gun Control Law

3. The Tanner-Hyde Spousal Abuse Amendment

4. The Rose-Royce-Carr Automobile Lemon Law

This week's contest: Invent a creative piece of legislation based on skillfully juxtaposed names of actual U.S. senators and representatives. (The names are on a list at the bottom of this page.)

As befits the dignity of the subject matter, the first-prize winner will receive an elegant assortment of practical-joke devices, including but not limited to 1 (one) whoopee cushion and 1 (one) squirting lapel flower, as well as other novelty prank items too revolting to be enumerated here. Runners-up will receive the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirt. As always, entries will be judged on humor and originality. Fax them to 202-334-4312, or mail them to The Style Invitational, Week 5, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Include your address and phone number. Entries must be received by Monday, April 12. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 3, in which you were asked to come up with a new monument for Washington.

Ahem. The Style Invitational is not a whetstone for political axes. Typical losing entry: "Okay, so it's a statue of Nixon, looking really smug. Around his feet are DEAD and DISMEMBERED Cambodian BABIES, with ... "

Nonono. We value funny. Funny and clever. Like the Tomb Of The Unknown Uncle, submitted by Bob Zane of Woodbridge. It depicts a congenial man, extending a hand. Inscription: "Pull my finger." This would have been a runner-up, except Bob also won first prize (see below), and we need to maintain not only the pretense of evenhandedness, but the illusion of abundance. Why, we have so many brilliant entries, we can discard the best of them willy-nilly! So, sorry. No T-shirt for Bob.

And now, the winners:

Fourth Runner-Up: The Foreign Head of State Statue: The body stays the same. You change the head with each new head of state visiting town. (John Re, Springfield, and Mischeline Toussant, Takoma Park)

Third Runner-Up: A Man Without a Face, at a desk, speaking furtively into the telephone. Inscription: "The Anonymous Source at Work." (Art Brodsky, Olney) Second Runner-Up: The Marion Barry Statue. His trousers lower every minute, then snap back up. Modifying an old Barry political slogan, the inscription reads: "Up With Hope, Down With Dope My Pants." (Bradley Fisher, Rockville)

First Runner-Up: A Sign, to be hung on the real Al Gore: "Not a Statue. Don't Paint." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston)

And Winner of the signed and framed Style Invitational cartoon:

The Dan Quayle Statue. Inscription: "Goodbye? WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge)

The honorable mentions:

The Andy Warhol Statue, a six-cubic-yard block of silly putty to be molded into the visage of the person whose news coverage the previous week exceeded the Warhol Index by the greatest magnitude. The inscription is whatever is in the boldest print on the first piece of trash removed from the closest garbage can. (Bruce Fraser, Rockville)

The J. Edgar Hoover Statue, in a low-cut red dress. Inscription: "I have the goods on you." (William T. Smith, Vienna)

The Roman Hruska Statue, inscribed with a real quote from the former senator: "Even if [the nominee] is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they?" (Lenore C. Garon, Falls Church)

The Oliver North Statue. Inscription: Simper Fi. (Sylvia Phillips, Ashburn, Va.)

The Pork Barrel Statue. A barrel, and a pig. Inscription: "B-dee b-dee b-dee, that's not all, folks." (David Templeton, Oakton)

The Pierre L'Enfant Statue: It would rotate in a counterclockwise direction, while its head rotated 85 degrees in a clockwise direction, snapping back to face forward again every few seconds. For the most part it will be engaged in spinning to its left while it incessantly looks over its right shoulder. Inscription: "Round and round we go ... " It must be placed on a triangular city block where no one can find it. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

The Hermann Rorschach Statue. Inscription: "What does this remind you of?" (Sigh. Bob Zane, Woodbridge)

And last: The Richard Nixon Statue, to be placed in front of the Watergate Hotel, beckoning travelers. Inscription: "We'll leave the light on." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston)