PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR PHILIP VITALE
This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.
If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.
If you see any error, please let me know, email@example.com.
Key to Ink Types:
- W: Win, whether of the regular contest or the auxiliary contests.
- 1: 1st Runner-Up; rarely seen now, last awarded to Jon Dixon in Week 792.
- 2: 2nd Runner-Up; this is second in esteem after the Win, and earns a Loser the crappy prize that used to go to the Winner.
- H: Honorable Mention, sometimes appearing in the setup of a new contest.
||A BRAND NEW CONTEST
||Come up with celebrity-brand products.
||THE WORLD THEORIES
||Codify some of life's more populist theories.
||BEFORE AND AFTERMATH
||Begin with a real name, append to it a word, name or expression that completes the bridge, and finally define the resulting phrase.
||Make your own Clintoon, a comic strip consisting of any or all of the provided drawings.
||Come up with "uh-oh" lines, statements that occur in the middle of a seemingly benign speech or conversation, suddenly alerting the listener that he is about to hear some bad news.
||H W |
||UNSEENS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
||Provide examples of any of the provided categories of things that will never happen.
||BLACK AND WHITE AND WED ALL OVER
||Propose the marriage of any two people, and the song they should not play at their wedding. The people must be a man and a woman.
||Come up with elegant insults directed at any famous person, living or dead, such as the real encomiums above.
||Take the two subject listings at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a dictionary definition for the compound word they form.
||CAN IT GET MUCH VERSE?
||Create Very Bad Poetry, containing banalities masquerading as profundities, overstretched metaphors, etc. Special attention should be paid to dreadful syntax and painful rhyme
||YOU MUST BE MAD
||Come up with a contemporary Scene We'd Like to See.
||CALLING THE TOON
||Who are these people? What are they doing?
||Create an argument on some social issue, in 75 words or fewer, taking an extreme liberal view.
||YOU CAN TAKE IT TO DEBUNK
||Take a common slogan or saying and prove it wrong with at least one example.
||H H |
||Come up with Deep Thoughts, in the style of Jack Handey of "Saturday Night Live." A Deep Thought is a short, simple, seemingly inspirational observation that winds up being cynical, ironic, or just plain weird.
MOST OF YOUR INK
Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:
"Report From Week 758"
"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."
and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.
Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.
[still working on this ...]