PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR KITTY THUERMER
This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.
If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.
If you see any error, please let me know, email@example.com.
Key to Ink Types:
- W: Win, whether of the regular contest or the auxiliary contests.
- 1: 1st Runner-Up; rarely seen now, last awarded to Jon Dixon in Week 792.
- 5: 5th Runner-Up; rarely seen now, last awarded to Nan Reiner in Week 1152.
- H: Honorable Mention, sometimes appearing in the setup of a new contest.
- I: Idea for Contest.
- P: Prize donation.
- E: Ear No One Reads. The Ear was a short phrase that appeared at the top the first page of the Style Section. It wasn't part of the SI itself, but the Czar solicited ideas for it. It was awarded 204 times, lastly to Alvin O. Marchonos (a pseudonym) in Week 332.
||CAMPAIGN FOR ONE
||Design a line for Niels Hoven to deliver in his campaign for a student government office that will wake up a snoozing audience.
||MAKE YOUR MOVIE
||Propose people who were the secret inspiration for famous movies.
||WRITE IN THE KISSER
||In the style of any famous author, write a description of any one of these people: Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Prince Charles or Sylvester Stallone.
||SO SUE US
||Come up with frivolous lawsuits.
||Come up with funny analogies.
||E P |
||Create a fictional city to be humorously paired with a real state abbreviation.
||Come up with spoonerisms, expressions based on the transposition of the initial sounds of two paired words.
||IT'S NO USE
||Come up with useless products.
||GIVE 'EM HELOISE
||Come up with a tribute to Heloise, that queen of inanely creative recycling.
||WRITE PURE POETRY
||Write a complete sentence using only the letters contained on the top row of a typewriter. Alternatively, you can use the letters of the first four lines of the standard eye chart.
||WHAT KIND OF FOAL AM I?
||Take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year, choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring.
||Come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season.
||Send us a double dactyl. The first line must be a nonsense phrase of five to seven syllables containing exactly two downbeats. The second line must be a name, in five to seven syllables but only two downbeats. The remaining six lines must contain four to seven syllables and two downbeats each, with Lines 4 and 8 rhyming. Somewhere in the poem, one line must consist of only one word.
||Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions.
||Give us the opening lines of a big story from American history as it might have been written by someone whose work appears in The Washington Post. Maximum 100 words. You must choose one of three news stories: "Lincoln Assassinated," "Stock Market Crashes" or "Man Walks on Moon."
||IT'S THE EPONYMY, STUPID
||Coin an eponym, a word or figure of speech based on the name of a famous person. You must define the word, and, if you wish, use it in a sentence.
||I AM ADDICTED TO AN ASININE CONTEST…
||Come up with sleazy new topics for the daytime talks.
||Modernize collective nouns (as in a "pride" of lions or an "exaltation" of larks), inventing snide new names for groups of things.
MOST OF YOUR INK
Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:
"Report From Week 758"
"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."
and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.
Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.
[still working on this ...]