PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR KEVIN MELLEMA

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1451 Could have said it worse ourselves Give us a humorously bad "first draft" of a famous line from history, literature or entertainment. H
1425 Picture this -- a caption contest Write a caption, either descriptive or in dialogue, for any of the provided cartoons. H
1061 Less taste, more fill-in Give us a novel clue for any word or phrase in which the remaining letters in the provided crossword puzzle fit, across or down. P
875 Fail Us Give us a funny Learn From My Fail-type lesson, 30 words or fewer, true or not, in your own words or attributed to a famous personage. H
810 What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed any two of the more than 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races and provide an appropriate name for their foal. H
805 Brand Eccchs Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). H
801 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. You supply one or more of the questions. 3
789 Doctrine in The House? State a humorous, original "doctrine" for a person or other entity. W
742 Clue Us In Give us a whole new set of clues to a crossword puzzle penned by Ace Constructor Paula Gamache. P
689 Busted Play Come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket. P
672 Just Sign This Write a funny message for an overhead highway sign. H
656 It's Post Time Breed any two from a list of 100 of the more than 400 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, and name their hypothetical foal. The foal's name cannot exceed 18 characters and spaces combined. P
639 What's the Small Idea? Do you have a senseless idea for improving the day-to-day lives of everyday Americans? L
573 Thine Ad Goest Here Propose biblical and other literary passages, poems, etc., that could benefit from product placement. P
569 Murphy's Lore Give Eric Murphy advice he deserves on the provided questions. P
550 Spring Cleaning Suggest creative uses for things you've already used, or never will use, or other disposable household thingies, singly or in combination. I L
537 The New York Post Liven up any article appearing in The Washington Post or its Web site over the next eight days by giving it an irresponsibly sensationalistic headline. 1
536 And the Horse He Rodin On Come up with some words we can stick in the back of The Inker. H
515 A Cellebration of Tasteful Living Come up with ways that Martha Stewart can prettify and improve her new prison surroundings using only her skills, her impeccable taste and those resources available to her. H
511 It All Impends Tell us what is something unusual about to happen in the provided cartoons. H
504 Life Is Snort Write a schmaltzy last line of a "Life Is Short." H
486 A Word From Our Co-Sponsors Come up with bills the new members of Congress might sponsor. Each bill must have at least two sponsors. H
364 Low Marks Come up with a new punctuation mark. Tell us what it looks like, and what it is used for, and use it in a sentence. H
362 Something Missing Tell us what is missing in each of the provided cartoons. H
336 THE "STY"LE INVITATIONAL Choose any word and emphasize a single part of it, as though you were saying the word out loud with "air quotes" around the key part. Then redefine the word. You cannot alter the spelling of the word. H
328 NICE CAPADES Send in some pleasant observation, in which you take a really cheerful or heartwarming view of something that less charitable people might conceivably see differently. H
291 HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE Take any story in today's paper, find a word that breaks with a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of different hyphenated word in the same story. Then supply a definition for the new hybrid word. E
278 THE STALE INVITATIONAL Begin with a word. Add, subtract or change a single letter only, and then provide a new definition. H
266 DEFINITELY WEIRD Take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. 5 H H H H
251 QUOTH THE MAVEN Take any famous line, change it by one letter only (add, subtract or change a single letter), and reattribute it. H
249 BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS Supply a silver lining for any scourge or social ill facing America or the world. H
194 ADVICE SQUAD Answer any of the provided questions unwisely. H
164 MEAN MEANINGS Translate things politicians say into what they really mean. 3
161 CAPITOL MISTAKES Come up with very, very bad advice for first-time visitors to Washington. P
153 STUMP US Complete this sentence, "I should be elected President of the United States because…" and launch your campaign. H H
145 LOOIE, LOOIE Come up with paired, themed ladies' room and men's room signs for various types of public places. H
135 JERRY-BUILT SOLUTIONS Come up with Seinfeld-isms: whiny, quirky musings on little questions of life. H
127 GADGET IF YOU CAN Choose one or more of these devices and describe their use. H
123 WHY IS POOP FUNNY? Come up with creative answers to any of the five questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old. H
113 WHAT KIND OF FOAL AM I? Take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year, choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring. H
112 POOP FICTION Come up with the opening lines of a book so bad it will compel you to stop reading immediately; maximum 50 words. W
108 NEAR MISSES Come up with the first drafts of great lines in history, entertainment or literature. 3
106 DRAWING CONCLUSIONS Who are these people, and what are they doing? H
105 WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? Come up with Good Ideas and then convert them to Bad Ideas through slight changes in wording. H
101 [deliberately left blank] [deliberately left blank] H
98 YOUR CHEATIN' ART Come up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs. 6 H
94 WEEKS 1-93 Come up with a great answer to any previous Style Invitational contest, an answer you may have thought of after the contest was over. H H H
91 ASK BACKWARD IV You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
89 CHILD'S PLAY Come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season. H H H
88 GIVE US SOME GOOD NEWS Come up with ways things are going to be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. H H H
87 WEST EASY, ANN Come up with good things about West Virginia, in 50 words of fewer. H
86 EXCUSES, EXCUSES Come up with funny excuses for various malfeasances. H
77 THE RORSCHACH OF THE CROWD II What do these ink blots mean? 2
23 HAPPY ENDINGS Modernize an old quote or expression by altering its ending. 2 H
17 REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM Come up with an easy way to reduce the federal deficit, in 20 words or fewer. 5 H H
10 A WEEK THAT WILL LIVE IN EUPHEMY Write us a funny euphemism. 4 H H L

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]