PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR LINDA K. MALCOLM
This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.
If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.
If you see any error, please let me know, email@example.com.
Key to Ink Types:
- W: Win, whether of the regular contest or the auxiliary contests.
- 1: 1st Runner-Up; rarely seen now, last awarded to Jon Dixon in Week 792.
- 2: 2nd Runner-Up; this is second in esteem after the Win, and earns a Loser the crappy prize that used to go to the Winner.
- 3: 3rd Runner-Up.
- 4: 4th Runner-Up.
- H: Honorable Mention, sometimes appearing in the setup of a new contest.
- P: Prize donation.
||SO SUE US
||Come up with frivolous lawsuits.
||Complete this sentence, "I should be elected President of the United States because…" and launch your campaign.
||Come up with jobs that make even your crummy job seem good.
||WHY IS POOP FUNNY?
||Come up with creative answers to any of the five questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old.
||IT'S NO USE
||Come up with useless products.
||H H H |
||MUZAK TO OUR EAR
||Come up with unfortunate Muzak songs to hear on the phone while on hold. You can use either a song title or a lyric.
||HELP! I'M A PRISONER IN THIS CONTEST
||Come up with fortune cookie messages that you would love to see, but never will.
||WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PICTURES?
||What's wrong with these pictures?
||2 H |
||YOUR CHEATIN' ART
||Come up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs.
||H H |
||In 10 words or fewer, what should the back of the "Year 2" T-shirt say?
||2 H H |
||CALLING THE TOON
||Who are these people, and what are they doing?
||H H |
||Send us self-serving moral loopholes through which the enterprising 1990s transgressor can crawl.
||GIVE US THIS DAY
||There are no holidays between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day, a cheerless run of more than three months. Let's stick one in there, somewhere. The holiday should celebrate something or someone uniquely American. Tell us the date, the name of the holiday and how it should be observed.
||2 3 |
||CAN YOU DO VERSE?
||Bad Valentine's Day poetry. Any rhyme scheme, any form of literary dysfunction.
||INVITATION TO A DUAL, II.
||Deliver us a Good News-Bad News scenario.
||H H W |
||Write us a Tom Swiftly or two, updated for the '90s. Each must include a reference to a famous person or institution.
||Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions.
||WAY OUTSIDE THE LINES
||Name a new crayon color for the 1990s, with a description.
||SCAM ON WRY
||Come up with a prank you can play, for fun, profit, or deliverance of a well-needed comeuppance.
||MOTHERS-IN-LAW OF INVENTION
||Propose some drastic change in government to help the economy or otherwise improve the quality of life in America.
||Write a caption for any of these photos.
||You are on "Jeopardy!" Those are the answers. What are the questions?
||Come up with slogans for the 1996 presidential campaign.
||H H |
||PUNCH US IN THE EAR
||Give us a motto for The Washington Post.
||H H ||
MOST OF YOUR INK
Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:
"Report From Week 758"
"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."
and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.
Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.
[still working on this ...]