PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR KEN KRATTENMAKER

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1451 Could have said it worse ourselves Give us a humorously bad "first draft" of a famous line from history, literature or entertainment. H
273 UNSEENS WE'D LIKE TO SEE Provide examples of any of the provided categories of things that will never happen. 3 H H
160 SEEKING WISE GUYS Come up with cool new bad-guy terms. H H I
135 JERRY-BUILT SOLUTIONS Come up with Seinfeld-isms: whiny, quirky musings on little questions of life. H
126 EVERYBODY'S TALKIN' What are these people, etc., saying or thinking? H
125 ASK BACKWARD VI You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? E
123 WHY IS POOP FUNNY? Come up with creative answers to any of the five questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old. H
121 IT'S NO USE Come up with useless products. 4 H
120 SIMILE OUTRAGEOUS Come up with inept analogies, rotten comparisons as a literary device. 3 H
119 MUZAK TO OUR EAR Come up with unfortunate Muzak songs to hear on the phone while on hold. You can use either a song title or a lyric. H
117 GIVE 'EM HELOISE Come up with a tribute to Heloise, that queen of inanely creative recycling. 1 H H
112 POOP FICTION Come up with the opening lines of a book so bad it will compel you to stop reading immediately; maximum 50 words. H
110 DO NOT INHALE THIS PAGE Come up with absurd warning labels that might be found on common products. H
108 NEAR MISSES Come up with the first drafts of great lines in history, entertainment or literature. H H
103 SEND HELP. Come up with ways to raise some badly needed cash for the District of Columbia. 3 H H H H
102 HELP! I'M A PRISONER IN THIS CONTEST Come up with fortune cookie messages that you would love to see, but never will. H
101 [deliberately left blank] [deliberately left blank] H H H H H
100 THE JOKE'S ON YOU Retell any of these jokes as they would be told by some celebrity, living or dead. H
99 WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PICTURES? What's wrong with these pictures? H H
98 YOUR CHEATIN' ART Come up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs. H H
96 STICK IT IN YOUR ERA Come up with a catch phrase for the 1990s. H H
94 WEEKS 1-93 Come up with a great answer to any previous Style Invitational contest, an answer you may have thought of after the contest was over. H H H
93 I WANT THE MONGOOSE Tell us, in 50 words or fewer, why you must have this elegant piece of taxidermy featuring a snake being killed by a mongoose. H H H
92 PLOTBOILERS Tell us what excerpts from celebrities' novels might look like. 4
90 BILL US NOW Come up with funny legislation based on the names of the 102 freshman congresspersons. 3
89 CHILD'S PLAY Come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season. 1 H H H
85 PLAY MYTHTY FOR ME Come up with new urban myths, those vaguely believable, wildly paranoid stories that circulate by word of mouth until they are generally accepted as true. H
80 NICK KNACKS Come up with a great nickname for any contemporary celebrity. H

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]