PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR PAUL KONDIS

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1385 Don't you want to see new places? Change any place name slightly and describe the new place. P
1230 What in creation . . . ? Supply a brief monologue or dialogue about a Creator's specifications or planning for some living being. P
1178 A ______ of collective nouns Propose one or more funny new names for groups of things. P
1078 Hyphen the Terrible Combine one side of any hyphenated word or compound term with one side of another word to make a new hyphenated term, and define it humorously. Both halves must appear in the same issue of The Post or another print newspaper, or in writing published the same day on washingtonpost.com or another online publication. H
1036 Just for liffs Use a real place name, from anywhere in the world, as a new term. H
1015 Faux re mi Give us some humorously false trivia about music or musicians. W
700 Stump Us Come up with someone's slogan for the 2008 presidential campaign. H
696 Send Us the Bill Come up legislation the newly-elected members of Congress might sponsor together. H
656 It's Post Time Breed any two from a list of 100 of the more than 400 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, and name their hypothetical foal. The foal's name cannot exceed 18 characters and spaces combined. H
651 Show Us Some Character Add a character to a book or movie and tell us what happens in it. P
553 Picture This Tell us what's going on in one or more of the provided cartoons. 3
547 Give Us a Bad Name Take an existing product or business name and pair it with an incompatible one. H P
505 The Rule of Dumb You are given $1 million. Conditions: (1) You must spend it all. (2) You must use it in a way that neither directly nor indirectly works to your financial benefit. (3) You may not use it to alleviate the suffering of anyone on Earth, or for any public-spirited project other than the joy of stupidity. H
478 Do You Mindset? Anticipate items for the Mindset List for the freshman class of the year 2020. H
465 Hyphen the Terrible Take the first half of any word or word combination in today's Post that is broken by a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word from the same story, and define the new word that is formed. 5 H
442 Titletales Take any real book or movie, change one word slightly, and describe the resulting new product. H
440 Picture This What is going on in these cartoons? H
439 No Can Do Write signs of incompetence. H
420 Ha Anxiety Make us laugh. R
377 Week MMDCXLIV Provide a headline (and, if necessary, the first line of the text) for any article that will appear in The Washington Post on this day in the year 2050. H
335 A LOVER'S SPAT Enter the contest that is run by the editor of your choice. H
288 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these pictures? H
278 THE STALE INVITATIONAL Begin with a word. Add, subtract or change a single letter only, and then provide a new definition. H
265 A SPORK OF GENIUS Come up with new products like the spork: combinations of two existing products that work together in some special way. Name the device and explain its function. H
259 SPARE EXCHANGE, BUDDY? Take any phone number of any business or government office in the Washington area, translate the first two digits into their constituent letters and propose any appropriate one-word exchange. H H
257 LET US PLAY Create a game, or a prank, that can be played using any two or more of the provided objects. H
234 THE JOKE'S ON YOU Complete any of the provided jokes as it would be told by someone famous, living or dead. H
230 TALES FROM THE CRYPTOGRAM Take any proper noun--a person, a book, a movie, whatever--and create for it an appropriate cryptogram. H
213 A SIN OF THE TIMES Submit campaign or other political practices that would be illegal and/or unethical. 1
206 HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE II Create a new word by combining the first half of any hyphenated word in today's newspaper with the second half of any other hyphenated word elsewhere in the same story, and supply a definition. H H H
200 CAPTION CRUNCH IV Supply a new caption to any photograph appearing anywhere in today's Post, to make it funnier. H
189 YOU CAN PRANK ON IT Come up with a hoax or prank that begins with any of the provided scenarios. W
186 CALLING THE TOON Who are these people? What are they doing? 3
183 COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG II Create hawkers' rhymes for modern-day occupations like lobbyists, lawyers, talk show hosts, actuaries, etc., at a maximum of four lines. It must contain at least one rhyme. H
182 CAN YOU STOP THIS? Come up with a conversation stopper, a line likely to end all further discourse, perhaps even empty a room. H
180 WHEN IN DOUBT, PUN Take any headline in today's Post and improve it by somehow turning it into a pun. H
170 THE ELEMENTS OF SMILE Why are these people smiling? H
168 LICENSE TO CARRY A PUN Come up with original jokes like those provided. H
167 CRAPSEY Resurrect the "cinquain," a long-deceased poetic form, poems so ickily precocious and pretentious they make haiku look like Kipling. There are five lines, the first containing two syllables, the second containing four syllables, the third six, the fourth eight and the last, with grave finality and thunderous drama, only two. Your subject matter must be suitable for the 1990s. H
166 DOO WAH DOODY We are looking for really bad lyrics to real rock songs. Your lyrics must be from a reasonably popular song, and you must include the name of the singer or songwriter. H
164 MEAN MEANINGS Translate things politicians say into what they really mean. H
161 CAPITOL MISTAKES Come up with very, very bad advice for first-time visitors to Washington. H
160 SEEKING WISE GUYS Come up with cool new bad-guy terms. E
146 IT'S LIKE THIS Produce an A and B to complete the expression "A makes about as much sense as B." H
141 ASK BACKWARD VII You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
131 DROODLEYSQUAT Come up with "droodles," simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. H
127 GADGET IF YOU CAN Choose one or more of these devices and describe their use. H
121 IT'S NO USE Come up with useless products. H
119 MUZAK TO OUR EAR Come up with unfortunate Muzak songs to hear on the phone while on hold. You can use either a song title or a lyric. H
113 WHAT KIND OF FOAL AM I? Take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year, choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring. 1 H
106 DRAWING CONCLUSIONS Who are these people, and what are they doing? H H
100 THE JOKE'S ON YOU Retell any of these jokes as they would be told by some celebrity, living or dead. W
92 PLOTBOILERS Tell us what excerpts from celebrities' novels might look like. H
91 ASK BACKWARD IV You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? 3 H
84 THE WASHINGTON IRVINGS Come up with creative names for the high school football teams of real towns in America. H
83 BEDROOM FARCE What questions were left out of the Great American Sex Survey? H
81 HEADS, YOU LOSE Take any two or more headlines anywhere in today's Washington Post, and combine them to make a funnier headline. 1 H
78 SEEKING SMART MORONS Come up with an oxymoron for our times, an expression made bogus by the fact that it combines incompatible, contradictory ideas. H H
76 ADIOS. Tell us, in 40 words or fewer, what is great about August in Washington. It's August, and we're out of here. H
75 CURSES! Come up with modern maledictions in the wise and entertaining Yiddish tradition. H
71 CAPTION CRUNCH III Come up with a new, funnier caption for any picture or illustration anywhere in today's newspaper. H
59 A GRAVE AFFAIR Write appropriate epitaphs for the not-yet-dead. 5 H
56 DO THE HOOKY POKEY Come up with inventive ways to call in sick or otherwise persuade your employer you must miss a day. H
55 ESCAPE CLAUSES Send us self-serving moral loopholes through which the enterprising 1990s transgressor can crawl. H
54 ODD COUPLING Write comical combinations of famous names, by marriage or other conceit. H
53 CRUEL FETE Tell us how the Invitational has changed America. W
51 CAPTION CRUNCH, VOL. II Supply captions for any of these pictures. W
50 GIVE US THIS DAY There are no holidays between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day, a cheerless run of more than three months. Let's stick one in there, somewhere. The holiday should celebrate something or someone uniquely American. Tell us the date, the name of the holiday and how it should be observed. 5
41 READ-END COLLUSION Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions. H
38 ASK BACKWARDS II You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? H
32 FATAL ART ATTACK In 50 words or fewer, describe a performance art concept that might get public funding. Winners will be audacious enough to seem like art, but pretentious enough to seem to have a social "message." H
27 IT'S THE EPONYMY, STUPID Coin an eponym, a word or figure of speech based on the name of a famous person. You must define the word, and, if you wish, use it in a sentence. H
26 CASTING ABOUT FOR AN IDEA Name a political person (past or present) and the TV or movie role in which he or she could have been cast. H
25 CAPTION CRUNCH Write a caption for any of these photos. 2
23 HAPPY ENDINGS Modernize an old quote or expression by altering its ending. H
21 A SO-SO CONTEST Describe somebody--or something--through exaggerated comparison. H
20 COMIC RELIEF Rewrite 60-year-old cartoons, filling in your own balloons, to make them funnier and more timely. H
19 A RECYCLED IDEA THAT WAS NONE TOO GOOD TO BEGIN WITH Alter a well-known phrase or name by deleting, adding or changing only one letter, and then supply a definition for what results. H
14 COLLECTIVE INSANITY Modernize collective nouns (as in a "pride" of lions or an "exaltation" of larks), inventing snide new names for groups of things. H L

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]