PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR DAVID KLEINBARD

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1281 We only have (googly) eyes for you Send us a photo of something that you have made funny by pasting googly eyes on it; funny titles and captions are optional. H
1269 Mess with our (or other) heads Reinterpret (or comments wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) or another publication and dated March 1-12 by writing a bank head. 2
1268 Playing pinocchio Tell us some humorously bogus trivia about the news media or the publishing or broadcasting industries. H
1264 A cry for Yelp: 'Review' any place Write a humorous review, positive or negative, of anyplace (real of fictional) one might visit. H
1259 Beat the banned with euphemisms Come up with creative euphemisms for the provided words, or for other words that might offend someone or other. H
1249 Ask Backwards 36 Choose any of the 15 provided items and follow it with a question that it could humorously answer. H
1248 C'mon, fess up! Send us a brief "confession" -- there will be categories for true and just-kidding. 3
1244 Primed for product reviews Send us a creative "review" for any of the provided items that are listed on Amazon. H
1242 Generation Yux Give us a "then/now" joke. H
1215 A so-so contest (How so-so is it?) Write a humorous exaggeration in the form "x is so y that …" H
1210 Send us the bill: Our 'joint legislation' game Combine two or more names from the provided list of members of Congress to “co-sponsor” a bill based on their combined last names, and state its purpose. H
1203 You've got the powers Tell us what you would do if you had one or more of the six magical powers provided. H
1183 C'mon, be honest with us Write something in roughly the form "If X were more honest, (then) Y. H
1179 Blasted alphabetical contests . . . Coin a three-word phrase whose words begin with A, B and C -- in any order -- and describe it. H
1178 A ______ of collective nouns Propose one or more funny new names for groups of things. 2
1176 Let 'er RIP: Write and obit line Write a humorous line or two for someone's obituary -- either for a particular person (dead or not) or for a fictional or generic one. H
1174 Colt following -- It's time for the grandfoals "Breed" any two of the 57 foal names that got ink this week and name the offspring to reflect both parents' names. H
1107 Send us the bill Combine two or more names from the list of members of Congress on this page to "cosponsor" a bill based on their combined last names, and state its purpose. H
1106 Show your resolve Suggest a New Year's resolution that someone might make 100 or more years in the future. H
1003 Just do it Use a well-known advertising slogan for a different company, organization or product to humorous effect. H H
979 The madding crowd Suggest funny, original ways to tick people off. H
956 Give us some bad ideas Finish any of the provided "You know" phrases. H
950 Of all the nerve! Give us a humorous example of hypothetical chutzpah. H
946 Another round of Bierce Write a clever definition of a word, name or multi-word term. H
939 MASH 2: The Retread Combine two movie titles and describe the result. H
920 Sarchiasm Write an original chiasmus, in which the elements of a phrase are inverted for comedic effect. H
896 Other people's business Describe what might happen if any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or (b) ran an institution of your choice. H
889 Tour de Fours VII Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order -- the letters P, O, L and E. H
854 What's not to liken? Produce one or more similes in any of the following categories. 3 H
853 It's easy as DEF Create a brand-new word of phrase that contains a block of three successive letters in the alphabet; the series must go forward in the alphabet, not backward. H
849 Homonymphomania Create a new homonym (or homophone) for any existing word and define it. H
828 Inhuman Puns Make a pun on the name of a familiar group, organization or company, and describe it or provide a quote from it. H
827 Caller Idiot Name a real product or company and supply a stupid question or complaint for the consumer hotline person. H H
818 Name the Day Cite an actual holiday or one of those silly commemorative days, weeks or months for which you can find previous evidence, and supply a snarky description or slogan. H
816 Googillions Come up with an original phrase that generates at least 1 million listings on a Google search. 4
812 Rx-Related Humor Offer up some entirely false medical or psychological "fact." H
811 Rock-Bottom Lines Tell us a sign that the economy couldn't get worse. H
807 Pretty Graphic Expressions Express some insight as an equation or other mathematical expression. H
806 DQ Very Much Give us a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere). H
805 Brand Eccchs Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). H
804 Our Type o' Joke Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com between Feb. 14 and 23, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead) or a brief first sentence of an article that would run under it. H
772 Make It Simile, Stupid Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it. H H
754 Canny Similarities Cite a humorous "uncanny similarity" between any two of the very different people listed above. H
752 The Might-Mates Right Fill out any of these five "you just might" joke-templates. H
749 Opus 266, No. 3 Take any common word or two-word term beginning with any letter from A through H and give it a new definition. H H
745 Hurry Up and Slow Down! Suggest particular ways that would slow life down, or ways that would speed it up. H
717 Pitch Us a No-Hitter Send us some genuine Googlenopes. A Googlenope is a phrase or very brief sentence that, entered into the Google search engine with quotation marks around it, produces no hits. H H
702 Unreal Facts Come up with a comically false factoid. H
694 Hopelessly Ever After Offer up a gloomy interpretation of any ungloomy piece of writing. 3
693 Everything Being Sequel Give a brief scenario for the sequel to a well-known movie. H
689 Busted Play Come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket. H
688 Making Short Work Write a humorous six-word story. H
685 Thank it Over Tell us some things to be thankful for. H H H
683 What a Piece of Work String together words in a single scene, or two consecutive scenes, of "Hamlet" to produce on or more funny sentences, preferably unrelated to the original content. The words must appear in the order in which they appear in the play. H
672 Just Sign This Write a funny message for an overhead highway sign. H
671 Join Now! Hyphenate the beginning and end of any two multi-syllabic words appearing anywhere in the July 16 Style or Sunday Arts section, and then define the compound. H
669 Huddled Messes Suggest some bad advice for new arrivals to this country (legal or illegal). H
668 Cut From the Chase Write an original John-Bunnell-style wrap-up to a crime story -- or one for a more minor transgression. H
667 Questionable Journalism Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com anytime from now through June 26 and supply a question it could answer. H
665 Your One-in-a-Million Coin the millionth words in the English language and define it. The word must end in -ion. H
658 Not in the Cards Send us ideas for cards that would likely be ruled "FBN" (Funny, But No) by Hallmark but F&YYY by the Empress. 1
496 The Style Invitational: The First Dreckade Submit new entries to any of the old contest listed, and try to beat The Very Best of the Past 10 Years. H H
472 Water Stupid Idea Propose bad ideas for saving water in the continuing drought. H
452 Russellmania! (1) Design one or more steps for a 12-step program for the recovering Invitationalaholic; (2) Propose a devious method by which we might lure Russell Beland back. H
447 Acronimble Take any of the provided witty statements and use the first letters in each of the words to create a brand-new, unrelated funny statement. 3
444 Advice Squad Take any letter from today's advice columns and answer it in the voice of someone famous, living or dead. H
442 Titletales Take any real book or movie, change one word slightly, and describe the resulting new product. H
440 Picture This What is going on in these cartoons? H
429 Shark Instruments Tell us what would be a sign that any current institution--TV show, newspaper feature, magazine, business, etc.--has jumped the shark. H
422 Taught Language Come up with lessons learned from (1) the movies, (2) popular songs, (3) romance novels or (4) the comics page. 3
419 Don't Spare the Rodney Come up with indications that one might not be getting no respect. H
414 No Rest for the Query Complete the provided rhetorical question by filling in the blanks. It must be a put-down. H
399 IT PAYS TO BE GENDEROUS Write a short film description that could persuade a woman that the guy movie he wants to see is really close to being a gal movie, or vice versa. H
319 REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY Create an original chiasmus, an ancient literary form in which meaning is derived by pairing two words or phrases, and then reversing their order. 1
313 THE STYLE INVITATIONAL SOUVENIR SHOP Come up with bad names for a new store at a mall. H
302 UNSTATED TRUTHS Come up with lines that you'll never hear the provided people say. H
292 PAYING THE BILL Propose appropriate punishments for President Clinton. H
285 ELEVENIS, ANYTWO? Take a common phrase containing a specific number, add or subtract one, and explain the revised phrase. 4
280 EXPRESSING IT NICELY Come up with colorful expressions for any of the six provided activities, to make them sound a little less tawdry. H
274 THE DROLL OF A LIFETIME Be the New Yorker comics editor, and explain to readers of The Washington Post why the provided jokes are charmingly witty. H
272 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H
271 YOGI BEARER Come up with new Yogi-isms, which seem to make sense, but collapse like a soufflé when you poke it a little H
263 THE GAME OF THE NAME Propose a bad name for the provided categories. H H
257 LET US PLAY Create a game, or a prank, that can be played using any two or more of the provided objects. H
254 DOUBLE JEOPARDY! Take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post, and make up a question to which it could be a plausible answer. H
251 QUOTH THE MAVEN Take any famous line, change it by one letter only (add, subtract or change a single letter), and reattribute it. 6
249 BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS Supply a silver lining for any scourge or social ill facing America or the world. H
247 BLACK AND WHITE AND WED ALL OVER Propose the marriage of any two people, and the song they should not play at their wedding. The people must be a man and a woman. 1
245 LIKE FUN Complete any of the provided "A is like B because" sentences. H
242 SACRED COW PIES Take cheap shots at sacred institutions only, places and things that are so noble and wholesome they are beyond reproach, from among the items provided. H
235 ROOTS Make up historical explanations--they should be vaguely plausible--for the etymology of any term you wish. The term should be the punch line. 4
229 WE CAN'T HEAR YOU Supply an example for any of the five "Things you don't want to hear" categories provided. H
223 ATTEMPTING REENTRY Submit entries to any past contest, so long as you never submitted them before. 3
220 RSVP Provide and answer to any of the dumb questions from Week 217. W
198 YOU MUST BE MAD II Come up with proposals designed to infuriate special interest groups. H H
169 DIFF'RENT JOKES Tell us the difference between any two of the provided items. R

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]