PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR JONATHAN M. KAYE
This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.
If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.
If you see any error, please let me know, email@example.com.
Key to Ink Types:
- 1: 1st Runner-Up; rarely seen now, last awarded to Jon Dixon in Week 792.
- 4: 4th Runner-Up.
- H: Honorable Mention, sometimes appearing in the setup of a new contest.
- E: Ear No One Reads. The Ear was a short phrase that appeared at the top the first page of the Style Section. It wasn't part of the SI itself, but the Czar solicited ideas for it. It was awarded 204 times, lastly to Alvin O. Marchonos (a pseudonym) in Week 332.
- U: Uncle's Pick. Czar kept up an "Uncle" persona for a few Weeks in Year 8, but the data show that it was awarded 72 times, into the Empress era, which is not how I remember it. I'll have to look into that.
||The Events Described Herein Are Entirely Fictitious
||Come up with fictitious movie trivia.
||Make a pun or similar wordplay on a book title.
||Celled Up the River
||Give us a delicious scenario, in which a cellphone yakker's yakking could be taken profitably out of context.
||Around Things Moving
||Take the title of any book or movie, rearrange the words, and explain what the new book or movie is about.
||What would you like to see Miss Universe Pageant contestants asked live, on national TV?
||Doody and Muldoon
||Write poetry that out-Muldoons Paul Muldoon, the Princeton professor who won this year's Pulitzer Prize in poetry. Your poem must be a single quatrain, containing at least one rhyme and references to at least two body parts and one geographic name.
||Create a sillygism--a syllogism that doesn't quite work.
||What Kind of Foal Am I?
||Mate any two of the horses qualifying for this year's Triple Crown and tell us the name of their foal. Maximum 18 characters, including spaces.
||Do You Mindset?
||Anticipate items for the Mindset List for the freshman class of the year 2020.
||H H H H |
||Describe someone's special little corner of Hell.
||H U |
||Coming to a Bad End
||Take some immortal line from literature or film and ruin it by adding a short phrase or sentence.
||IT'S LIKE THIS
||Come up with really lame analogies.
||Come up with paired, themed ladies' room and men's room signs for various types of public places.
||WHY IS POOP FUNNY?
||Come up with creative answers to any of the five questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old.
||Tell us what Neil Armstrong should have said upon stepping onto the moon's surface, instead of what he did, the greatest gaffe in the history of Historic Sayings.
MOST OF YOUR INK
Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:
"Report From Week 758"
"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."
and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.
Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.
[still working on this ...]