This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know,

Key to Ink Types:

1031 The 'Sty'le Invitational Choose any word, name, or short term; emphasize a key, suddenly pertinent part of it with quotation marks; then redefine the word. H
548 Inklings Tell us about certain people's childhood experiences and behaviors that hint at their destinies. H
547 Give Us a Bad Name Take an existing product or business name and pair it with an incompatible one. H
532 Short Pans Come up with a terse review (four words or fewer) of any work of art. H
528 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
527 Rite of First Defusal Come up with witty or bizarre things to say to defuse the tension in awkward moments. T
514 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? H H H H
506 The Battle of All Mottoes Provide a slogan for any federal department agency, department, office, etc. H
500 Ergo-Nomics Create a sillygism--a syllogism that doesn't quite work. H
491 Hirschfeld Follies Try to figure out which celebrities Bob Staake is trying to draw in imitation of Al Hirschfeld. H H H
490 Eyes on Reprise Submit any good entries you might have thought of, for any previous contest, after the deadline passed. H H
485 Asterisky Business Write a joke with a punch line depending on knowledge so esoteric that it requires an asterisked explanation. H
483 Obitter Fate Give us an obit headline for some famous person, currently living or dead. H
476 Portmanteautapping Make a new word by squishing together two existing words. The constituent words must share at least two letters. 1 H
471 Excuses, Excuses Come up with creative new excuses for not turning in homework, not filing your taxes on time, missing church or forgetting your spouse's birthday. H
468 Ism This Stupid? Take any common prefix and attach it to any well-known "ism" and define the new term. H H
463 Retell Sales Give us the beginning of any well-known story as retold by any famous person, living or dead, except for Ronald Reagan. 1 H H
461 Punch Us Again Take any comic from the daily Washington Post during the next week and make it better by changing the contents of the final word balloon. T
458 It's a Setup Come up with joke setups for any of the provided punch lines. 2 H H H
457 Letter Rip Give us the beginning of a letter to the editor that is certain never to see print. H H
456 A Bad-Ask Contest You are still on Jeopardy!, and you still have to supply questions to the provided answers, but the winners will be the least funny answers. H
453 Haiku 2 U2 Write a haiku summarizing the career of any American politician, living or dead. A haiku is generally defined as a nonrhyming poem, of three lines. The first and last lines are five syllables; the middle line is seven. H
447 Acronimble Take any of the provided witty statements and use the first letters in each of the words to create a brand-new, unrelated funny statement. H
445 Another Round of Bierce Add a few entries to Ambrose Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary." H H W
444 Advice Squad Take any letter from today's advice columns and answer it in the voice of someone famous, living or dead. W
441 Spit the Difference Take any two nouns that appear on the front page of today's Washington Post and explain how the nouns differ from each other. H
440 Picture This What is going on in these cartoons? H
438 What's the Pun Line? Ask a question and answer it, somewhere incorporating the name of a least one famous person. H H H
429 Shark Instruments Tell us what would be a sign that any current institution--TV show, newspaper feature, magazine, business, etc.--has jumped the shark. H
422 Taught Language Come up with lessons learned from (1) the movies, (2) popular songs, (3) romance novels or (4) the comics page. H H
418 Xtreme Invitational Come up with signs you are overdoing it any in any of the provided categories. H H
416 Diff'rent Jokes Describe how things might have been different if a famous person, living or dead, had had one of the provided conditions. H
413 Bland Ambition Come up with one or more items from an underachiever's list of midlife resolutions. H
412 Painful Climaxes Come up with statements that start really dramatically, but leave you sorta flat at the end. H
411 X's and Oaths Take any oath, pledge, declaration or slogan and update it. 2 H H
409 Nice Job, if You Get It Take anything that might need its image enhanced and rename it in a way the keeps its essential identity, but makes it seem nicer. H
407 Adverbiage Come up with a witticism or a joke by making a pun out of an adverb. Unlike Tom Swiftlys, your adverb must modify not a verb but an adjective. H H
406 Bum Steerage Offer some spectacularly bad advice to any of the provided people. H
399 IT PAYS TO BE GENDEROUS Write a short film description that could persuade a woman that the guy movie he wants to see is really close to being a gal movie, or vice versa. H
394 Life in the Blurbs Come up with a blurb used to sell a real or imagined book or movie that would be likely to have the opposite of the intended effect. H H
392 Everyone's a Comic Choose any panel of any comic strip in today's Washington Post and improve it by replacing the original speech and thought balloons with your own, H
391 Spinning Out of Control Take a headline in today's Washington Post and create a subhead that spins the story in an opposite or unexpected direction. H
390 Canine Fashion Write: 1. A caption for the provided image explaining what is happening; 2. An explanation of why the image is not photography but art; 3. A description of what additional items might be needed to make the image complete. Sex and potty jokes will be disqualified. H
389 Operation Overkill Present a solution to a problem that goes just a little too far. H H
388 Pitches in the Dirt Come up with a sales pitch to get any surplus product off the shelves. H H W
387 By Jingo Come up with a joke that could be written and understood only by a Washingtonian. 1 H
383 A Kinder, Gender Nation Take an noun and give us a reason or two why it should be either masculine or feminine. H
380 The New-Name Offense Propose changes for the names of places and things that need it, either because there is something wrong with their name, or because another name would be so much more descriptive. H
378 Bill Us Now Come up with a bill sponsored by any of the newly elected U.S. senators and representatives, and explain the purpose of the bill. 1
376 Apply Yourself Supply bad openings to college application biographies. H H
369 Punch Us Complete any of the provided jokes. H
368 Hyphen the Terrible Combine the first half of any hyphenated word in a story in today's paper with the second part of a different hyphenated word from the same story, and provide a new definition. H
366 Just Fulghum Come up with a list of at least three Major Life Lessons one can learn from any of the venues provided. H
364 Low Marks Come up with a new punctuation mark. Tell us what it looks like, and what it is used for, and use it in a sentence. H
363 It's Your Movie Take the title of any movie and make it the answer to a riddle. H
362 Something Missing Tell us what is missing in each of the provided cartoons. H
361 Bad Libs Select one subject, one verb, and one object from the provided lists, and then answer the riddle you create. H H
357 Coming to a Bad End Take some immortal line from literature or film and ruin it by adding a short phrase or sentence. 2 H
355 Seeing Stars Tell us ways we can attract celebrity participation to this contest. H
351 Dubya Fun Take any well-known statement, expression, slogan, etc., and rewrite it the way Dubya might have said it. H
350 Employing Irony Propose bad career choices. H
342 Plainly Ridiculous Take any direct quotation from any article in today's Washington Post and translate it into "plain English." H H H H
340 ASK BACKWARDS 12 You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? H H
336 THE "STY"LE INVITATIONAL Choose any word and emphasize a single part of it, as though you were saying the word out loud with "air quotes" around the key part. Then redefine the word. You cannot alter the spelling of the word. 4 H
335 A LOVER'S SPAT Enter the contest that is run by the editor of your choice. H H H
324 A PREQUEL OPPORTUNITY OFFERING Come up with a "prequel" to some classic film or work of literature. You must produce a title and a brief plot summary, which of course must take place prior to the main action of the original work. H H
316 CALLING THE TOON What are these things? H
307 IF YOU BOYCOTT THIS TASK / YOU WON'T WIN THE FLASK Come up with rhyming couplets to warn us about the perils of modern life. H H
305 ASK BACKWARDS CMXVI2 You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
304 TIME OF THE SIGNS Come up with appropriate signage to appear outside any business or retail establishment in the Washington area, including government offices. H H H
301 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H H
300 A BRAND NEW CONTEST Come up with celebrity-brand products. H
298 THE RIGHT STUFF Write a sentence, or phrase, or entire passage, using only your right hand on the keyboard. This means you may use no keys to the left of N, H, Y and 7. H
296 BILL US LATER Choose among the names of any of the newly elected U.S. senators or representatives and propose a bill they might sponsor. W
294 PRODUCT LIARBILITY Take the name of any commercial product and redefine it. H H
290 THE WORLD THEORIES Codify some of life's more populist theories. H
289 PLAY IT AGAIN, SHAM Submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you might have thought of after the contest deadline had passed. 1 H
281 CALCULATE THE ODDS Tell us which of the two provided items does not belong with the other two, and why. H
271 YOGI BEARER Come up with new Yogi-isms, which seem to make sense, but collapse like a soufflé when you poke it a little H
267 THE CONCEPT CONCEPT Come up with a situation for a "People Unclear on the Concept" cartoon. Describe the situation and supply any necessary dialogue. H H
266 DEFINITELY WEIRD Take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. H
264 ASK BACKWARDS You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? 5
258 IT'S A BIRD. IT'S A PAIN. Choose one or more of the provided super powers and tell us what you would do with it. 4 H
255 SCANDAL IN THE WIND Each of the provided items is somehow related to the current presidential scandal. Tell us how. 1 H H
251 QUOTH THE MAVEN Take any famous line, change it by one letter only (add, subtract or change a single letter), and reattribute it. H
248 STICKER SCHLOCK Come up with a message for our new, mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker, something that summarizes the grandeur and dignity of this stupid contest. H
246 OUR OWN DEVICES What do these contraptions do? Tell us in 50 words or fewer. H
244 HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE Coin new words, and provide a definition, by combining the first half of a hyphenated word for any story in today's Post with the second half of another hyphenated word in the same story. H H
241 CAN YOU BEAT THIS? Come up with headlines describing the defeat of one pro team by another. H
239 NAME THAT TOON Send us the captions for cartoons not provided. H
236 CALLING THE TOON. What is happening here? 2
227 WILD PITCHES Come up worthy successors to Joe Camel. Name the product, and describe the totally inappropriate cartoon character that would be created to represent it. H
222 TRIP DEUCES Take the two subject listings at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a dictionary definition for the compound word they form. H
219 VERBOSITY Come up with new, obnoxious, self-conscious faux verbs and use them in sentences. 3


Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"


"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.

[still working on this ...]