PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR BRIAN BROADUS

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1322 Back to the drawing board Come up with an idea for an invention that still needs a bug ironed out. H
698 Let's Get Personnel Send us some humorously creative questions that a job interviewer would ask an applicant, or some questions it might be fun to ask the interviewer. H
664 A Thousand Times?! No! Come up with a new signature line for Russell Beland's -- or anyone else's -- e-mails. H
615 Airy Persiflage Write some jokes you'd like to hear in an airport announcement. H
510 Universal Embarrassment What would you like to see Miss Universe Pageant contestants asked live, on national TV? H
480 In No Uncertain Terminations Come up with a way to stop any unwanted overture in its tracks. 3
472 Water Stupid Idea Propose bad ideas for saving water in the continuing drought. H H I
452 Russellmania! (1) Design one or more steps for a 12-step program for the recovering Invitationalaholic; (2) Propose a devious method by which we might lure Russell Beland back. H
440 Picture This What is going on in these cartoons? H
439 No Can Do Write signs of incompetence. 4 H H H
428 No Rest for the Query Answer any of the provided supposedly unanswerable questions in the voice of any famous person, living or dead. H
427 Skinned Come up with events that have a smaller chance of happening than the Redskins winning the Super Bowl. H
426 Captions Courageous Take any photograph or illustration from today's Washington Post and give it a more interesting caption. H
413 Bland Ambition Come up with one or more items from an underachiever's list of midlife resolutions. 3
411 X's and Oaths Take any oath, pledge, declaration or slogan and update it. 1 H H
375 Show Us Up Combine the names of two existing TV shows (past or present) to make an entirely new show. Then, describe the show. H
351 Dubya Fun Take any well-known statement, expression, slogan, etc., and rewrite it the way Dubya might have said it. H H H
346 Greasy Kids Tough Take any news event from history, recent or ancient, large or small, and rewrite it in 100 words or fewer as it might have appeared in KidsPost. H
345 Picture This What is going on in these cartoons? H
342 Plainly Ridiculous Take any direct quotation from any article in today's Washington Post and translate it into "plain English." H
339 Campaignful Developments Come up with signs that a presidential campaign might be in trouble. H H H H H
338 WHO WANTS TO WIN A TOILET? Propose even greater depths of shameless, tasteless sleaze to which Fox TV is likely to sink after the noisome debacle of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" 3 H
328 NICE CAPADES Send in some pleasant observation, in which you take a really cheerful or heartwarming view of something that less charitable people might conceivably see differently. 2 H
324 A PREQUEL OPPORTUNITY OFFERING Come up with a "prequel" to some classic film or work of literature. You must produce a title and a brief plot summary, which of course must take place prior to the main action of the original work. 2 3
323 THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD INVITATIONAL Come up with not-quite-ready inventions, past or present. H W
322 YOU NAME IT Take a well known pair or group of names, extend one of them in some manner, and explain how the group dynamic changes. H
321 INTERPRET THIS Take any of the provided cartoons and come up with a matched pair of interpretations for what is happening. 2 H
316 CALLING THE TOON What are these things? H
313 THE STYLE INVITATIONAL SOUVENIR SHOP Come up with bad names for a new store at a mall. W
310 IT'S LIKE THIS Come up with really lame analogies. H H H H H
309 A STINKING PILE OF THESES Write an all-purpose first line or paragraph for any doctoral dissertation, designed to impress the heck out of academics. H
306 YOUNGIAN THERAPY Suggest ways in which the Style Invitational or any other Washington area institution can become more relevant to younger people. 1 3 H
305 ASK BACKWARDS CMXVI2 You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
304 TIME OF THE SIGNS Come up with appropriate signage to appear outside any business or retail establishment in the Washington area, including government offices. 1 H
303 BOOM TIMES Come up with old and new concerns for the baby boom generation. H
302 UNSTATED TRUTHS Come up with lines that you'll never hear the provided people say. H
301 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H H H H
300 A BRAND NEW CONTEST Come up with celebrity-brand products. 3 H H H
297 FREE FOR OIL Take any article in today's paper, and write an outraged letter to the editor about it that totally misses the point, either by misreading a word or misunderstanding the topic. H
296 BILL US LATER Choose among the names of any of the newly elected U.S. senators or representatives and propose a bill they might sponsor. E H
292 PAYING THE BILL Propose appropriate punishments for President Clinton. 1 H H H
290 THE WORLD THEORIES Codify some of life's more populist theories. 2 H H
288 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these pictures? 2 H H H H H
287 BEFORE AND AFTERMATH Begin with a real name, append to it a word, name or expression that completes the bridge, and finally define the resulting phrase. H
284 ASK BACKWARDS MCLXVII You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H H
283 UH-OH Come up with "uh-oh" lines, statements that occur in the middle of a seemingly benign speech or conversation, suddenly alerting the listener that he is about to hear some bad news. H
282 TAKING SNIDES Take any story anywhere in today's Post and append to it a single snide observation, concerning either the headline or the text of the story. 3
281 CALCULATE THE ODDS Tell us which of the two provided items does not belong with the other two, and why. H H H
280 EXPRESSING IT NICELY Come up with colorful expressions for any of the six provided activities, to make them sound a little less tawdry. 4 E H H
276 SPIT THE DIFFERENCE Tell us the difference between any two of the provided items. H
272 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H H H
271 YOGI BEARER Come up with new Yogi-isms, which seem to make sense, but collapse like a soufflé when you poke it a little H
269 SIGNS, AND THE TIMES Come up with new, helpful signage for downtown streets. You must state the problem, and propose the sign to rectify it. H H H H
266 DEFINITELY WEIRD Take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. H
264 ASK BACKWARDS You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? H
262 CAMPAIGN FOR ONE Design a line for Niels Hoven to deliver in his campaign for a student government office that will wake up a snoozing audience. H H H H
258 IT'S A BIRD. IT'S A PAIN. Choose one or more of the provided super powers and tell us what you would do with it. H
248 STICKER SCHLOCK Come up with a message for our new, mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker, something that summarizes the grandeur and dignity of this stupid contest. W
240 ADDING INSULT Come up with elegant insults directed at any famous person, living or dead, such as the real encomiums above. H
208 SEND IN THE CLONES Suggest questions a commission to investigate the moral, legal and practical question raised by cloning might consider. H H
204 DOUBLE EXPRESSO Take any well-known colorful expression, and modernize it. H

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]