PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR JEFF BRECHLIN

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
1213 Punku Write a haiku that incorporates a pun. H
1212 The Tile Invitational IV  Give us a five-, six- or seven-letter word (or two words) by scrambling the letters of any of the provided sets and define it. H
1211 The best tweets in history Write a stupidly disparaging tweet (140 characters or fewer, including spaces) about some laudable figure of past or present, true or fictional. H
1209 Invented facts: A fictoid contest Tell us a humorously untrue account of how a product or invention came to be, or got its name. H H
1150 A deviant character Change the name of person or animal -- real or fictional -- by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting one letter for another; or switching the positions of two nearby letters, and describing the results. W
1129 Right in the pampootie Write a humorous short poem (eight lines or fewer) incorporating one of the 50 provided words. I
1126 Picture this Provide a humorous caption for any of the cartoons provided. H
1125 The song remains the sa Supply a real song title that has the end or beginning -- or, what the heck, both -- chopped off and describe it. 2 H
1117 You got another sing coming Write a song about a topic or person lately in the news, set to a familiar tune. H
1109 Fictoids of Columbia Tell us some humorously untrue “facts” about Washington, D.C., and the surrounding area. H
1043 Rechanneling celebrity Describe a TV reality show featuring a celebrity pursuing some unlikely endeavor. H
1021 'Gram theft Come up with a term by scrambling any of the letters sets in the provided list, and define it. H H
1018 Reologisms Write a clever, funny definition for any of the Loser-concocted neologisms from Week 1014 as well as from Week 1000 that deserve better definitions than their creators offered at the time. H
1015 Faux re mi Give us some humorously false trivia about music or musicians. H H
1014 Join now Combine the beginning and end, or the beginnings and ends, of any two words in single Washington Post story or ad published March 21 to April 1 into a new word or two-word phrase, and define the result. H H H
1008 Switched reels Re-arrange all the words in the title of a movie, and describe the resulting work. H
1006 It's a ... a ... Create a new superhero (or duo) and describe the superpower, or not-very-superpower. H
1004 Dead letters Write a humorous poem about anyone who died in 2012. 4
1003 Just do it Use a well-known advertising slogan for a different company, organization or product to humorous effect. H
1002 Wring out the OED Make up a false definition for any of the listed OED words. H
993 Versus, verses Write a short "rap battle" between any two characters, real or fictional. H
991 Tour de Fours IX Create a new word or two-word term containing the letter block V, O, T, and E and define it. H
971 Double booking Come up with a double book with a humorous connection; the first title must be an actual book, while the other may be your own fictitious title or a second real book. H W
970 Couple it Take a line from any well-known poem and pair it with your own second line to make a humorous couplet. H
967 Overlap dance II Create a phrase that overlaps two terms, each of two words or more, and describe the result. H
965 Foaling around Breed any two of the horses in this year's Triple Crown races and name their foal. H
960 Raving reviews Send us a creative "review" for any of the provided items that are listed on Amazon. 2
959 Out of network Move a current or former TV program (or type of programming) to a different network and explain what would change. H
956 Give us some bad ideas Finish any of the provided "You know" phrases. H
955 Twits' twist Create a phrase by combining a word or phrase with an anagram of that word or phrase, and define or describe it. H
951 Say that again Double a word, or use a word and its homophone, to make a phrase, and define it. H
940 Our type o' headline Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, or change spacing or punctuation, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com from Oct. 7 through Oct. 17, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead). H
939 MASH 2: The Retread Combine two movie titles and describe the result. H H
929 Now sit right back ... Write a funny song introducing a TV show, past or present. 3 H
915 Picture this Write a caption for any of the cartoons pictured here. H
911 Help! Create a short humorous dialogue -- or a monologue featuring one party -- of a phone call to 911, or a call for help to someone else. 4
909 Reprizing Suggest humorous uses for one or more of the items above, alone or in combination. H
908 Recast away Fire an actor or actress from a movie or TV show, past or present, and offer a replacement for the role. H
906 Your mug here Give us a new design for the Loser Mug. H
905 Anticdotes Give us an untrue anecdote responding to one of these past Editor's Query topics. H H
904 We move on back Move the first letter in a word or name to the end of that word and define the resulting word. H H
903 Bill us now Combine the names of two or more members of Congress as co-sponsors of a bill. H W
902 What's the good news? Take any sentence, or substantive part of a sentence, or a headline from an article or ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Jan. 7 to Jan. 18 and make it sound upbeat (or not so bad). 3
900 Dear us! Submit a "Dear Blank" letter to us instead. H
899 Clue us in Send us funny, clever clues for any of the words already in this grid. H
898 Pre-current events Predict some humorous news event that would happen in 2011. 4 H
897 Catch their drift Take any sentence from an article or ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Dec. 3 to Dec. 13 and translate it into "plain English." H
895 Picture this Supply a caption for any of these cartoons. H
893 Give us a hint Write a humorously witty story in 25 words or fewer. 2 H
892 Get a move on Change the location of something for humorous effect. Provide an explanation if you wish. H
886 Look both ways Give us a new term that's a palindrome and define it. H
871 Remarquees Change a movie title by one letter (or number, if the title includes a number) and describe the new film. H
864 Oonerspisms Spoonerize a single word or a name by transposing different part of the word (more than two adjacent letters), and define the resultant new term. H
862 Be cheerful Send us a cheer or fight song for any pro sports team or any national team. H
856 Titled Puerility Here are some untitled book covers. For any of them, tell us a title and synopsis of a book that will never be published. H H
848 Up and addin' Compose a humorous rhopalic sentence (or multiple sentences) in which each word is one letter longer than the previous word. H
830 Mess With Our Heads Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Aug. 14 through Aug. 24 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle. 3 H
827 Caller Idiot Name a real product or company and supply a stupid question or complaint for the consumer hotline person. H
826 The Inside Word Take any word -- this may include the name of a person or place -- put a portion of it in quotation marks, and redefine the word. H H H
825 Disinstrumentals Write some words to music that has no words. H
824 Jestinations Give us a slogan for any city or town. H
818 Name the Day Cite an actual holiday or one of those silly commemorative days, weeks or months for which you can find previous evidence, and supply a snarky description or slogan. H
816 Googillions Come up with an original phrase that generates at least 1 million listings on a Google search. H W
814 There Will Be Bloodline Breed any two of the winning "offspring" included in this week's results, and name their foal. H
812 Rx-Related Humor Offer up some entirely false medical or psychological "fact." H H
811 Rock-Bottom Lines Tell us a sign that the economy couldn't get worse. 4
810 What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed any two of the more than 400 horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races and provide an appropriate name for their foal. H
809 Unkindest Cutlines Supply cutlines, or captions, for any of these newspaper photos. H H H
808 Take Us At Our Words Create a humorous poem or other writing using only the words contained in this week's Style Invitational column or results. L
807 Pretty Graphic Expressions Express some insight as an equation or other mathematical expression. H L
806 DQ Very Much Give us a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere). H
805 Brand Eccchs Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). H H
804 Our Type o' Joke Change a headline by one letter, or switch two letters, in a headline (or most of a headline) appearing on an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com between Feb. 14 and 23, and elaborate on it in a "bank" headline (subhead) or a brief first sentence of an article that would run under it. H
803 The Pepys Show Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, for any point in history. H H H H H I W
801 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. You supply one or more of the questions. H
800 Compairison Briefly define or sum up an existing word or short phrase, then change it very slightly and do the same with the result. H
798 Dead Letters Write a humorous poem commemorating someone who died in 2008. H W
797 Be Resolute Make a humorous resolution for some particular person or institution to accomplish next year. H H H
795 Stimulate Us Tell us what the government ought to be spending our money on. H
792 Clue Us In Compile a set of funny alternative clues to a crossword penned by Ace Constructor Paula Gamache. H
789 Doctrine in The House? State a humorous, original "doctrine" for a person or other entity. H
788 The Back End of a Bulwer Give us a comically terrible ending of a novel. H
786 Top of the Staake So get your thoughts provoked for No. Umpteen of our cartoon caption contest. 3 H
784 Words to The Wiseacres Give us some proverbs for 21st-century life. H
783 The Shill Game Name a celebrity or fictional character to endorse a real product or company. H
780 Location, Location, Location Say how you know you're in a particular place. H
779 Gripe for the Picking Rant about any issue that wouldn't make your top 100 for airing in The Post. H H
777 Limerixicon 5 Supply a humorous limerick featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters da-. H
774 Tour De Forks Supply a name for a restaurant dish named after someone (or some product or organization) and describe it. H H
772 Make It Simile, Stupid Translate a sentence or two of literature or other good writing so that "Los Angeles residents under 40" can appreciate it. H
770 A Knack for Anachronism Take a famous historical moment, literary passage, or movie scene and place it in an entirely different age. 3
765 It's Doo-Dah Day Write humorous lyrics commemorating any of the 50 states of the District, set to any of these Stephen Foster songs. 4
764 Can You Up Chuck? Come up with entirely new and funny Chuck Norris Facts. H H
762 Look This Up in Your Funk & Wagnalls Supply the pair of terms listed at the top of a page of any print dictionary to indicate the first and last listings on the page, and define that hyphenated term. H
761 Strip Mining Supply the text for any or all three of these Bob Staake comic strips. H
758 Wrong Address Using any of the words of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, in whatever order you like, create your own passage. H
757 Gorey Thoughts From A to Z Send us some rhyming alphabet-primer couplets. H
756 Mess With Our Heads Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from March 15 through 24 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle. H H
752 The Might-Mates Right Fill out any of these five "you just might" joke-templates. H H H
751 Strike Gold Slightly change the name of an existing or former TV show to create a program that can scab the writers' strike. H
750 Hit Us With Your Best Shot: Photo Contest No. 4 Illustrate, any way you like, any of the provided five captions with your own original photo. 3 W
749 Opus 266, No. 3 Take any common word or two-word term beginning with any letter from A through H and give it a new definition. H H
748 Dead Letters Write a humorous poem about a well-known personage who died in 2007. H H
747 Boeing Us Silly Suggest some comical ways to improve air travel, either in general or for yourself. 3 H
746 We Err The World Give us a motto or short slogan for any country in the world. H
745 Hurry Up and Slow Down! Suggest particular ways that would slow life down, or ways that would speed it up. H H H
744 You OED Us One Make up a humorous and false definition for any of the words listed below. H
743 Picture This Write a caption for any of these Bob Staake cartoons. 2 H H H
741 Well, What Do You Know? Tell us what Major Life Lessons can be derived from any of these venues or situations. H H H
740 Give Us a Hint Offer clues in various situations that something isn't working out well. H
739 Lies, All Lies Give us some humorous fictional revelation about a current or past political figure. 4 H H
738 So What's To Liken? Take any two items from the utterly random list above and explain how they are different or how they are similar. H
737 No River, No Woods Send us a funny parody of a well-known song, with lyrics that commemorate an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah. H H H
735 Look Back in Inker Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 680 through Week 731. 2
734 Turnaround Time Write a rhyming couplet containing two words that are anagrams of each other. H
733 Just Drop It, Okay? Drop the first letter from an actual word or term to make a new word or term, and define it. H H H
732 The Chain Gang Supply a chain of 25 names -- they may be names of people, places, organizations, products, etc., but they must be names -- beginning and ending with "George W. Bush." H
730 Time-Wastes For Everyman Describe activities that make entering The Style Invitational seem like a constructive use of one's time. 2
728 Tour de Fours IV Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order you like -- the letters S, A, T and R. H
725 Beggars For Description Describe, without being boring, a cartoon to fit any of the provided captions. H H
724 Abridged Too Far Sum up a book, play or movie in a humorous rhyming verse of two to four lines. H
722 Let's Play Nopardy! We supply 12 phrases and you get to provide questions they might answer. The phrases were entries in our Week 717 contest, which asked for Googlenopes -- phrases that showed no previous hits from the Google search engine. I
721 Know Your Market For any of the provided photos, supply two captions: one that would appeal to The Style Invitational and one that would appeal to the Harrisburg Patriot-News. H
719 We Har the World Come up with a creative name for a sports team for a town or city anywhere outside the United States. H H
716 The Hard Spell Write a humorous poem featuring one of the 75 words we've selected from this year's National Spelling Bee. H H
714 Amalgamated Steal Merge two or more company or product names into a new, ORIGINAL company or product. H
710 Aw, Shoot Send us a funny, clever, entirely original photo featuring kitchen utensils and/or small household tools. H H H H W
709 A Return Engagement Come up with some novel change to the tax code: a tax on something ought to be taxed, a credit for something that should be rewarded, what the $3 should go to instead of presidential campaigns, etc. H
708 What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed any two from a list of 100 of the horses eligible for this year's Triple Crown races and provide an appropriate name for their foal. H
707 What Would YOU Do? Use only the words appearing in "The Cat in the Hat" to create your own work of "literature" of no more than 75 words. H
706 Questionable Journalism Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article on washingtonpost.com from March 24 through April 2 and come up with a question it could answer. H
705 Simile Outrageous Come up with funny analogies, perhaps with some 21st-century references. H
704 Another Game of Tag Create vanity plates for well-known people, real or fictional. H H H
703 Freak Trade Agreements Think of one thing to trade for another, and supply a short and funny explanation. H H H
702 Unreal Facts Come up with a comically false factoid. H
701 Untitlement Here are the covers for what just might be Bob Staake's next four books. What are they called and what are they about? H H
697 We Beg You To Differ Take any two items from the truly random provided list and explain why they are different or why they are similar. H
696 Send Us the Bill Come up legislation the newly-elected members of Congress might sponsor together. A H
695 Dead Letters Write a poem about someone who died in 2006. H
694 Hopelessly Ever After Offer up a gloomy interpretation of any ungloomy piece of writing. 2
693 Everything Being Sequel Give a brief scenario for the sequel to a well-known movie. H H H
692 Reinkernation Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 640 through Week 688. Every entry must include the word "three" or "third" or a creative variation. 3 H
691 Haven't Got a Clue Make all the clues in the provided crossword ooh-clever or at least ah-that's-funny, even the little words. H H
690 Funnies: How Time Flies Pull Billy of "The Family Circus" -- or any of his comic strip neighbors in The Washington Post -- out of his time warp to a different age, era or place, and provide a short storyline or dialogue or caption. H
689 Busted Play Come up with a more objectionable or stupid toy than a working fart-powered toy rocket. H H H
688 Making Short Work Write a humorous six-word story. H H
687 What Were They Thinking? Tell us (A) What someone might say in some situation, and (B) what that person was actually thinking when he said A. 3 H H
686 It's Baaaaack! Explain why you, or anyone else in particular, ought to have this fine oil-on-panel by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, or what it might be used for. 1 H
685 Thank it Over Tell us some things to be thankful for. H H H
684 Backtricking Spell a word backward and define the result, somehow relating the definition to the original word. H
682 Punkin'd! Send us a funny, clever, entirely original photo featuring one or more pumpkins and/or other vegetables. H H H H
681 Ticket to Write Write a jingle for a business (or its product), organization or government agency, set to a Beatles song. H
680 Rendered Speechless Provide dialogue to fill the balloons in any of these cartoons. H H
679 Ask Backwards Here are the answers. You supply the questions to as many as you dare. H
674 Limerixicon 3 Supply a humorous limerick based on any word in the dictionary (except proper nouns) beginning with ca-. H R
673 Mess With Our Heads Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Washington Post or on Washingtonpost.com from July 30 through Aug. 7 and reinterpret it by adding either a "bank headline," or subtitle, or the first sentence of an article that might appear under it. H
665 Your One-in-a-Million Coin the millionth word in the English language and define it. The word must end in -ion. H P
664 A Thousand Times?! No! Come up with a new signature line for Russell Beland's -- or anyone else's -- e-mails. H
663 Worth at Least a Dozen Words Interpret any of the provided cartoons as you see fit in a caption. H H
662 How Low Will You Go? Humiliate yourself for ink, and a stupid prize. H
659 Tell Us a Fib Compose a six-line poem with the following number of syllables per line: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8. It must be about a person or topic currently in the news, and two successive lines must rhyme. H
657 Nuts Fruit Send in funny (but printable) images of real pieces of fruit. 2 H H H H H W
656 It's Post Time Breed any two from a list of 100 of the more than 400 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races, and name their hypothetical foal. The foal's name cannot exceed 18 characters and spaces combined. H
655 Laughing Inside Take any article appearing in The Washington Post or online on washingtonpost.com from today through April 3 -- the more serious and/or mundane its headline, the better -- and write a funny poem or other passage using only words that appear in that article. 1
653 It's the Eponymy, Stupid Coin a word or expression based on the name of a well-known person, define it, and perhaps use it in a sentence H H
652 Ask Backward You are on "Jeopardy!" Above are the answers. You supply the questions. H H H
651 Show Us Some Character Add a character to a book or movie and tell us what happens in it. H
650 King Us Give us a scenario for a horror novel based on an everyday item. H
649 Across the Wide What? Give us some Virginia-appropriate lyrics for "Shenandoah." H
648 Caller IDiot Name a product or company and supply a stupid question to ask the consumer hotline person. H H H H H
647 Paste Imperfect Change a headline or sentence that appears in the Post or on washingtonpost.com through Feb. 6 either by deleting up to 40 consecutive characters from it or by adding 40 consecutive characters from the same article or ad. H
646 Warped Perspectives Tell us how two different types of people, animals, organizations, etc., would interpret any of the provided cartoons. H
643 The Post's Mortems Give us a rhyming poem about some notable who died in 2005. H H H
641 Dreck of All Trades Come up with a business that combines two or more disparate products or services, and tell us its name and/or something else funny about it. H
638 The Little Bummer Boy Come up with an idea (and title, if you like) for an original Christmas movie or TV special that provides an antidote to all the sap, and give us a brief synopsis. H
637 Full Steam Ahead Write a steamy passage of a novel that's ostensibly by some well-known person who isn't a novelist. H H W
634 Mess With Our Heads Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from today through next Sunday, and change its meaning by adding either a "bank headline," or subtitle, or the first sentence of an article that might appear under it. H H
633 Your Secret Here! Send us some original secrets (they don't have to be true). 1 H
630 Hyphen the Terrible Combine the beginning and end of any two multisyllabic words in this week's Invitational, and then define the compound. H H
629 Odd Couplings Marry or otherwise combine famous names and supply the result. H
628 You Gotta Have Connections Choose any two or more items from the provided truly random list and describe how they are alike or different. H H
627 Per-Verse Write a limerick or other short poem with comically awful rhyming. 2
626 Course Light Come up with a comical college class, along with a description for the course catalog. H
625 Haven't Seen It Make up a new plot for an existing movie title. H
624 Limerixicon 2 Supply a limerick based on any word in the dictionary (except proper nouns) beginning with bd- through bl-. H
621 Questionable Journalism Take any sentence that appears in The Post or in an article in washingtonpost.com anytime through Aug. 8 and supply a question it could answer. 2 H
618 Of D.C. I Sing Give us a song about Washington, set to a recognizable tune. 2
616 Picture This, Kids Supply title and one-sentence synopsis for Bob Staake new kids' project, incorporating any of the provided cartoons. H
612 Oh, and One More Thing What was the thing that didn't make the cut on any list? H
611 Ask Backwards, Erudite Edition You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the sophisticated answers. You supply the questions. 1 H
610 MASH Find two well-known movies, plays, or TV shows whose title have a significant word in common, combine their titles, and describe the hybrid. H
609 A2D2 Give us some funny "corrections" to brighten up Page A2. H
608 Comeback Next Week Come up with original snide retorts to various rude questions or comments. H H
607 Contest Fodder Created! Produce absurdly parochial views of historical events. H
601 Anticdotes Give us an untrue anecdote in response to one of the provided Editor's Query topics. H W
600 Top of the Inking Tell us some ways the District of Columbia will change now that we have the Nationals. H
599 So What's the News? Tell us what the illustrated events are. H H
598 Site Gags Come up with an appropriate name for a cafeteria--or meeting room, or an employee lounge, or some other workplace spot--for a particular institution. H
596 Take Her Words for It Use the words of this week's Ask Amy advice column, as a pool from which to compose your own useful (or useless) thoughts. You may ignore or change capitalization or punctuation. H
592 We Got Gamy Offer us a concise idea for a Super Bowl commercial, or some innovative halftime entertainment, or some inappropriate sponsors, or some ideas for improving the game itself. H
591 Dead Letters Write rhyming poems about notable personages who have died in the past year. H H
590 Send Us the Bill Come up with a bill sponsored by any combination of the newly elected members of Congress and explain the purpose of the bill. H
589 Hyphen the Terrible (New Edition!) Combine the beginning of any multi-syllabic word in this week's Invitational with the end of any other multi-syllabic word in this column (or in this week's Web supplement) to coin a new word, and then define it. H H W
586 God's Will (and Won't) Complete either of the following: "If God hadn't wanted us to ----, God wouldn’t have ----"; "If God had wanted us to ----, God would have ----." H
585 It's Parody Time Offer, in the holiday spirit of goodwill, some advice--as constructive and unifying as Loserly suggestions always are--to our nation's leaders (or the loyal opposition) as we prepare for the next four years. This advice will be set to the tune of some winter holiday song, either religious or secular. H H
584 Deliver Us a Post Come up with some new Cabinet or other positions that the president could establish, and describe the job responsibilities. H
582 Perversery Rhymes Update a nursery rhyme or children's song with an edgier text. H H
567 A Running Gag Explain how any of the provided bizarre cartoons by Bob Staake relates to the current presidential campaign. 1 H
566 Get Whack Type a two-word phrase into the Google search engine that produces exactly one result. H
556 So Zoo Us Combine any two kinds of animals, give its name and describe it. H
553 Picture This Tell us what's going on in one or more of the provided cartoons. H
550 Spring Cleaning Suggest creative uses for things you've already used, or never will use, or other disposable household thingies, singly or in combination. H H H
549 Show Us Your Best Quantities Come up with novel units of measure, and explain or quantify them. H
548 Inklings Tell us about certain people's childhood experiences and behaviors that hint at their destinies. H H H
547 Give Us a Bad Name Take an existing product or business name and pair it with an incompatible one. H H H
546 A Nice Pair of Cities Choose any two or more real U.S. towns and come up with a joint endeavor they would undertake. H
545 Put It in Reverse Spell a word backward and define it, with the definition relating in some way to the original word. H H
543 Read Our Leaps Fill any readers of The Washington Post on Sunday, Feb. 29, 2032, on: (a) the day's lead news story; (b) the highest-flying company and its business; (c) the best-selling self-help book; and/or (d) the day's winning Style Invitational entry. 1 H
542 Discombobulate Us Come up with both an object/situation and a neologism for it, something that Bob Levey would never have stooped to print in his column. 3 H
540 Revisionist History, or Badenov for You? State any news event (or old event) in the style of the Rocky-and-Bullwinkle teasers about the next show. H
537 The New York Post Liven up any article appearing in The Washington Post or its Web site over the next eight days by giving it an irresponsibly sensationalistic headline. H H
536 And the Horse He Rodin On Come up with some words we can stick in the back of The Inker. 1
533 Breed Apart Mate the clones of any two famous real people, living or dead--a male and a female, please--and hypothesize what traits or skills their offspring might have. H
529 United We Stanza Summarize in four rhyming lines of verse any famous document, theory, principle or speech. H
528 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
527 Rite of First Defusal Come up with witty or bizarre things to say to defuse the tension in awkward moments. 3 H H
524 Around Things Moving Take the title of any book or movie, rearrange the words, and explain what the new book or movie is about. H
522 Being There Set the agenda for a flash mob, one of those existential, Web-arranged, sudden, pointless, instantaneous but brief gatherings of people at odd places, to do odd things. 1
518 Say, Kids, What Time Is It? Fill in the blanks in the following sentence: "You know it's time to ------ when ------." H
514 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? H
513 It's Delete We Can Do Come up with very bad subject lines for spam e-mail--lines that will guarantee instant deletion, sight unseen. H H
511 It All Impends Tell us what is something unusual about to happen in the provided cartoons. H
507 Crocktails Come up with a drink named for something or someone associated with Washington and describe the drink. H H
504 Life Is Snort Write a schmaltzy last line of a "Life Is Short." H
503 Doody and Muldoon Write poetry that out-Muldoons Paul Muldoon, the Princeton professor who won this year's Pulitzer Prize in poetry. Your poem must be a single quatrain, containing at least one rhyme and references to at least two body parts and one geographic name. H
500 Ergo-Nomics Create a sillygism--a syllogism that doesn't quite work. H
499 What Kind of Foal Am I? Mate any two of the horses qualifying for this year's Triple Crown and tell us the name of their foal. Maximum 18 characters, including spaces. H
497 Ask Backward You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H H
496 The Style Invitational: The First Dreckade Submit new entries to any of the old contests listed, and try to beat The Very Best of the Past 10 Years. H W
495 Words of One Syl- … Um, Just Short Words Take some complex issue of any sort and explain it to all us morons entirely in words of one syllable. H
494 Quote-idian Take any extremely banal piece of familiar writing and rewrite it in the style of a famous writer, poet or lyricist. H W
492 Cheap Tricks Come up with extreme cost-conserving measures for these difficult economic times. H
489 Combo, First Blood Combine two people whose names contain a common element, as in the examples above. Then describe the person, or provide a quote he or she might have uttered. H
487 Eee! Rotica Come with a passage in a novel that ineptly describes hanky-panky. H
484 Manufracturing Take any product and explain how it would be different if it were designed by a different existing company. H H
483 Obitter Fate Give us an obit headline for some famous person, currently living or dead. H H
477 A Load of Bulwer Give us the beginning of incompetently written novel. H
473 Offensive Line Find what's offensive in any of the provided cartoons, and explain. 2
454 Ask Backwards You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
453 Haiku 2 U2 Write a haiku summarizing the career of any American politician, living or dead. A haiku is generally defined as a nonrhyming poem, of three lines. The first and last lines are five syllables; the middle line is seven. H
446 Poems Where the Heart Is Take any recent news event and summarize it in a rhyming poem of eight lines or fewer. H
443 Sick Humor Come up with modern diseases of Washington life. H
422 Taught Language Come up with lessons learned from (1) the movies, (2) popular songs, (3) romance novels or (4) the comics page. H

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]