PERMANENT INKSTAIN FOR BARRY BLYVEIS

This is what you've done, each Week. I arrange the rows in reverse chronological order, because there are some Losers, and they know who they are, who check up on my points-awarding every Week.

But I would just like to reiterate that such checking up is not a problem for me. I have said many times that each Loser's enlightened self-interest is my best QA.

If you wish to see what your ink was, refer to the Master Contest List or search All Invitational Text. Remember that Types I, P, some H, and sometimes A are seen "above the Report" -- that is, if they are listed here for Week 7777, for example, they will be found in text files or images of Week 7777. Everything else will be found in a "Report" section of a file two, three, or four weeks later; 7781 in this Example.

If you see any error, please let me know, elden.carnahan@gmail.com.

Key to Ink Types:

WKTITLESYNOPSISINK TYPES
607 Contest Fodder Created! Produce absurdly parochial views of historical events. H H
588 Gadget If You Can Tell us what these nifty, indispensable items are. H
586 God's Will (and Won't) Complete either of the following: "If God hadn't wanted us to ----, God wouldn’t have ----"; "If God had wanted us to ----, God would have ----." H
580 United Nations Combine the names of any two countries in the world and describe the new hybrid country. H
513 It's Delete We Can Do Come up with very bad subject lines for spam e-mail--lines that will guarantee instant deletion, sight unseen. H H
508 Letter Rip Take a word from the dictionary, add, change, or delete a single letter, and redefine the word. 2 H
506 The Battle of All Mottoes Provide a slogan for any federal department agency, department, office, etc. H
505 The Rule of Dumb You are given $1 million. Conditions: (1) You must spend it all. (2) You must use it in a way that neither directly nor indirectly works to your financial benefit. (3) You may not use it to alleviate the suffering of anyone on Earth, or for any public-spirited project other than the joy of stupidity. H H
492 Cheap Tricks Come up with extreme cost-conserving measures for these difficult economic times. H H H
490 Eyes on Reprise Submit any good entries you might have thought of, for any previous contest, after the deadline passed. H
480 In No Uncertain Terminations Come up with a way to stop any unwanted overture in its tracks. W
479 Invest Case Scenario Suggest new companies in which it might be unwise to invest. 1
445 Another Round of Bierce Add a few entries to Ambrose Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary." 1
443 Sick Humor Come up with modern diseases of Washington life. 3 H
439 No Can Do Write signs of incompetence. H H H
437 The Telegraph Poll Tell us the beginning of a joke that badly telegraphs the punch line. H
340 ASK BACKWARDS 12 You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? H H
327 ASK BACKWARDS You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H
318 HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE Combine the first half of any hyphenated word in a story in today's paper with the second part of a different hyphenated word from the same story, and provide a new definition. H
316 CALLING THE TOON What are these things? H
305 ASK BACKWARDS CMXVI2 You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? H H
303 BOOM TIMES Come up with old and new concerns for the baby boom generation. 2 H
302 UNSTATED TRUTHS Come up with lines that you'll never hear the provided people say. 1
301 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H H
295 PANEL DISCUSSION Supply the contents of the missing panel in the provided cartoon strips. H H
294 PRODUCT LIARBILITY Take the name of any commercial product and redefine it. H
292 PAYING THE BILL Propose appropriate punishments for President Clinton. H H
289 PLAY IT AGAIN, SHAM Submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you might have thought of after the contest deadline had passed. H H H H
284 ASK BACKWARDS MCLXVII You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? 4 H H H
283 UH-OH Come up with "uh-oh" lines, statements that occur in the middle of a seemingly benign speech or conversation, suddenly alerting the listener that he is about to hear some bad news. H H H H H
281 CALCULATE THE ODDS Tell us which of the two provided items does not belong with the other two, and why. H
280 EXPRESSING IT NICELY Come up with colorful expressions for any of the six provided activities, to make them sound a little less tawdry. H
278 THE STALE INVITATIONAL Begin with a word. Add, subtract or change a single letter only, and then provide a new definition. H H
273 UNSEENS WE'D LIKE TO SEE Provide examples of any of the provided categories of things that will never happen. 2 H H
272 PICTURE THIS What is happening in these cartoons? H
271 YOGI BEARER Come up with new Yogi-isms, which seem to make sense, but collapse like a soufflé when you poke it a little H H H
269 SIGNS, AND THE TIMES Come up with new, helpful signage for downtown streets. You must state the problem, and propose the sign to rectify it. 4
266 DEFINITELY WEIRD Take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. H
264 ASK BACKWARDS You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? H H H
263 THE GAME OF THE NAME Propose a bad name for the provided categories. H H H H H
262 CAMPAIGN FOR ONE Design a line for Niels Hoven to deliver in his campaign for a student government office that will wake up a snoozing audience. H H H
261 WHAT IF YOU GIVE IT A TRY II Alter some crucial moment in history, and then tell us the likely outcome. H
260 IT'S A SNAP Come up with replacements for the two hackneyed answers: "Is the Pope Catholic?" and "When Hell freezes over." H
258 IT'S A BIRD. IT'S A PAIN. Choose one or more of the provided super powers and tell us what you would do with it. 5 H
256 THE PYLE INVITATIONAL Come up with hip, contemporary riddles and answers. The punch line must contain a painful pun. H
254 DOUBLE JEOPARDY! Take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post, and make up a question to which it could be a plausible answer. 2
250 OH, GREAT Complete the sentence "Wouldn't it be great if …" W
245 LIKE FUN Complete any of the provided "A is like B because" sentences. H
244 HYPHEN THE TERRIBLE Coin new words, and provide a definition, by combining the first half of a hyphenated word for any story in today's Post with the second half of another hyphenated word in the same story. H H
242 SACRED COW PIES Take cheap shots at sacred institutions only, places and things that are so noble and wholesome they are beyond reproach, from among the items provided. 1 H H H
241 CAN YOU BEAT THIS? Come up with headlines describing the defeat of one pro team by another. H
240 ADDING INSULT Come up with elegant insults directed at any famous person, living or dead, such as the real encomiums above. 1
238 CHALK IT UP TO STUPIDITY Propose apologies for yourself in the style of Bart Simpson writing on his blackboard. H H H
231 GIVING QUARTER Suggest a motto for the "tails" side of any of the state-themed quarters. H H W
228 MAKE MY DAY Supply advice to today's spoiled kids about how bad things were when we were growing up. H W
227 WILD PITCHES Come up worthy successors to Joe Camel. Name the product, and describe the totally inappropriate cartoon character that would be created to represent it. H
225 WE RESPECTfully decline to publish any dumb entries by YOU. Come up with signs for a T-shirt or a bumper sticker that hide the real message in tiny type. H
223 ATTEMPTING REENTRY Submit entries to any past contest, so long as you never submitted them before. 2 H H
220 RSVP Provide an answer to any of the dumb questions from Week 217. 1
217 NO QUESTION ABOUT IT Come up with truly stupid questions. H
215 SON OF A PITCH Write lavish blurbs in 50 words or fewer so some sucker will want to pay a lot of money for the provided items. H
214 ASK BACKWARDS IX You are on "Jeopardy!" These are your answers. What are the questions? H
212 DUMB AS THE POST Come up with even stupider crimes than those committed by Montgomery County's "gentleman burglars." 4 H
209 WE NEED SOME SEASONING Come up with the first signs of spring in Washington. H
208 SEND IN THE CLONES Suggest questions a commission to investigate the moral, legal and practical question raised by cloning might consider. H
205 SOME PIG Beg for the prize: convince us why you, and you alone, deserve to get it. 1
202 THE ELEMENTS OF SMILE Interpret any of the provided computer emoticons, or "smileys." 3

MOST OF YOUR INK

Here is, I hope, most of your ink to be found in the All Invitational Text list. I have to find these with what are called regular expressions, which is a method used in a lot of programming languages to find and modify certain text strings in larger corpora. Basically I look for something like this:

"Report From Week 758"

or

"And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . ."

and then some text, your name, and your town, arranged in this familiar way:

"GlaxoSmithKline: I have six kids named Chesterfield, Winston, Lark, BensonHedges, Doral and Kool. If I name my new baby Nicorette, can I get a free coupon for your products? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)"

I don't catch everything, but I believe I find 90%.

Unlike in the table to the left, I've arranged these in chronological order, so you can see how your humor matured, like a forgotten cheese deep in the walls of an old house. You started out, perhaps in Year 1, sending in riddles you sort of remembered from grade school, and now look at ya, ain't you Dorothy Parker.





[still working on this ...]