The Invitational Week 68: Pun for the Roses
Our annual crazy-popular horse 'breeding' wordplay contest. Plus winning anagrams.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 18, 2024

From a 1938 Kentucky Derby advertising poster. War Admiral's sire: Man O' War. (Not Invite-level clever.)
Breed Triple Crown nominees Gettysburg Address and Midnight Love and name their foal Four Scores

Triple Espresso x Next Level = Caffeine^8

Hancock x Stoke the Fire = Stroke the Fire

--

Hello.

The Kentucky Derby has been run every single year since 1875. And while we at The Invitational are almost 149 years old ourselves, our "breeding" contest -- our most popular contest of the year -- has been running for only 29 of them. Our game is based on the tradition of naming racehorses by alluding to the name of either or both parents -- e.g., Perfectify, one of this year's horses, is the son of Above Perfection and Justify -- but we take it to the Next Level (another on this year's list) with puns and other zingy wordplay galore.

For Invitational Week 68: At this link (tinyURL.com/inv-horses-2024) is a list of 100 of the hundreds of 3-year-old thoroughbred racehorses initially considered for the 2024 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, they're almost all male, so no, they won't actually be romancing in the future. Anyway, it's all about the names; we have no interest in the attributes of the actual horses.) You may submit as many as 25 pairings.

On the same link above, beneath the list of the horses' names: For your Guidance, Inspiration, and Just Plain Entertainment* are the inking entries from last year's contest. There are dozens and dozens, so if you're unfamiliar with our foal contest, you'll see what we're looking for. (Last year's winner, courtesy of Jesse Frankovich: Disarm x I Don't Get It = Stumped.)

Note these Hard 'n' Fast Rules!
-- As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps).

-- Please write each entry in the A x B = C format of the examples above so we can sort the thousands of entries by horse-parent name.

-- Don't give a foal a name that's also on the list; such an entry never gets ink.

Deadline is Saturday, April 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 2, two days before Derby Day.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-68. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

That week's new contest will be our annual "grandfoal" challenge to breed any two of the winning names. (So if you're not a yearly Gene Pool subscriber, a measly $5 one-month subscription will let you enter the foal and grandfoal contests, plus get all the other Pool noodles.)

The winner of this year's Kentucky Derby gets a cool $3.1 million. The winner of our contest gets a cool pair of pizza earrings, complete with clips you can hang them from if your lobes are holeless.


Sorry, not kosher for Passover: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Maim Brands: The product anagrams of Week 66
In Week 66 we asked you to rearrange the letters of a product or business name, then describe the resulting anagram.

Third runner-up:
FRANK'S HOT SAUCE > ANUS AFTERSHOCK: You definitely don't want to put this on everything. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)

Second runner-up:
ROKU > R U OK? A service that checks on you if you've been holed up bingeing TV shows for a week and a half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
GOD BLESS THE USA BIBLE > OBESE BAG'S SHILL DEBUT: A grifter's attempt to cash in on credulous followers. "And the Lord did command that all of the children of Israel fork over $60 to help their leader float a bond for his porn-star hush-money trial." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Toilet Hunting seated target-shooting game:
CHARMIN > HI, MR. CAN!: New from Procter & Gamble -- talking toilet paper! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


INVITATIONAL > NO, I AIN'T VITAL: Honorable mentions
KAY JEWELERS > WEASEL JERKY: The restaurant chain that's de rigueur for dinner dates in Mississippi: "Every kiss begins with Weasel Jerky." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

BUDWEISER > WIDE RUBES: The heavy beer for light thinkers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

LEVI'S > EVILS: Jeans that make your butt look even bigger than you imagined. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

SHELL OIL COMPANY > HEY, MAN, COOL SPILL!: No oil-shaming with our ocean cleanup service! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TOOTSIE POPS > POOPSIE TOTS: For some reason, the dog seems to like these treats. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AMAZON PRIME > MAIZE MA PORN: An internet channel where women do naughty things with corncobs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

APPLE VISION PRO > A NIPPLE PROVISO: A VR set that comes with a porn-only stipulation. (Duncan Stevens)

BANK OF AMERICA > I AM FAKE, CAN ROB: A bot that will helpfully clean out your savings account. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

BUDWEISER > US BE WEIRD: Anheuser-Busch's new line of tofu-cheese beer. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

BUTTERFINGER > BUTTFINGERER: Let's just say you shouldn't pass them out on Halloween. (Jesse Frankovich)

FIRESTONE > RISE OFTEN: Rubber the right way with our boutique condom and ED products. (Kevin Dopart)

CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT > RICH MAN'S FLAT TOUR: Book your visit now to Trump's penthouse bathroom to see where he does his business. Make checks payable to the State of New York. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

COOL WHIP > LOCO WHIP: A THC-laced dessert topping that goes great on brownies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

DAVE'S KILLER BREAD > DEVILLED BARK EARS > ABRADED ELK LIVERS: High-fiber spreads for high-fiber toast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

DIOR > ROID: The ultimate high-fashion bodybuilder's brief. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

DUNKIN > UNKIND!: With every donut, we serve up some snide comments about your spare tire. (Beverley Sharp)

FIDELITY INVESTMENTS > INFIDELITY VESTMENTS: Our line of lingerie will yield solid dividends! (Jesse Frankovich)

FROOT LOOPS > STOOLPROOF: Delicious sugary-sweet low-fiber breakfast cereal that'll block you up for sure. (Jeff Contompasis)

GUINNESS STOUT > IGNEOUS STUNTS: The finest beer for flaming farts. (Chris Doyle)

JELL-O > O-JELL: With this personal lubricant, there's always room for * everything. (Tom Witte)

Lancome > CalmOne: Xanax-infused lotions and fragrances. (Chris Doyle)

MERRILL LYNCH, PIERCE, FENNER & SMITH INCORPORATED > PLENTY-HARD ERECTION-CINCH PILLS FOR MERRIER MEN: Perform like a bull! (Jesse Frankovich)

MOLSON BEER > BOOMER LENS: Opticians specializing in geezers' beer goggles. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

MYPILLOW CLASSIC > I SIMPLY CALL COWS: When counting sheep isn't working, this model takes it up a level. (Duncan Stevens)

NATURE MADE > MANURED TEA: You said you wanted organic, right? Just don't let it steep for too long. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

NETFLIX > LEFTNIX: Tucker Carlson's new streaming service. (Jesse Frankovich)

POP-TARTS > POT PARTS: These pastries' special filling makes you even hungrier! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

RALPH LAUREN > HER LUNAR PAL: Feel classy all over and under with designer sanitary pads. (Kevin Dopart)

TRUTH SOCIAL > OR A SHIT CULT: Six of one * (Neal Starkman)

UNDER ARMOUR SPORTSWEAR > MR. POOTER URANUS DRAWERS: Underwear with a methane filter. (Jon Gearhart)

The headline "Maim Brands" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 20: our Week 67 contest to move the last letter of a word to the beginning, and define the new word. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear
Move the last letter of a word to the front. Plus winning poems about artworks.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 11, 2024

<< Picture of "Woman Bitten by a Serpent sculpture by Auguste Clesinger >>

A runner-up in our Invitational contest for poems about works of art. See the rest of the Week 65 winners below. (Sculpture in the Musee d'Orsay, Paris)

O-RING: A band that holds a group together but is the weakest part of it. (Craig Dykstra)

SNIPPLE: Babies agree: the Best Stuff on Earth. (Kyle Bonney)

LB.-AGE: What you'll add from overeating breakfast carbs. (John McCooey)

Ever since those results from our 1998 change-one-letter contest started to move around "cyberspace" on "e-mail" and then on "the World Wide Web" -- and still pop up in corrupted form -- The Invitational has been known best for neologism contests, especially ones that ask you to take an existing word and alter it slightly to make a new word, usually relating somehow to the original.

Here's a variation that we did only one time, back in 2011. Maybe it was because we thought the results were so good that we worried we couldn't match them. Maybe we just forgot. Anyway, have at it.

For Invitational Week 67: Move the last letter of a word, phrase, or name to the front, and then define the result, as in the examples above from the original contest above (full results here). You can alter punctuation or capitalization.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-67. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, April 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 25.

Winner gets a little pink "Nose Condom," "for the safe practice of brown nosing." Complete with testimonials on the packaging like "Six months ago my boss didn't know I existed. Now it's weekends on his yacht." Donated (unused) by Dave Prevar. Warning: Don't Google this or you will get a very different product. This is such a lousy prize, even by our standards, that we'll throw in some vintage Loser Magnets.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

MoMA Mia! The artwork poems of Week 65
In Week 65 we asked you to choose any artwork we could run a picture of, and write a funny poem about it. The results were spectacular, as you will see. It turns out that Losers, in addition to being famous smart-asses, know more than a bit about art.

Third runner-up:
"Woman Bitten by a Serpent":
You never know when you're gonna be bitten,
Or tempted or taunted or suddenly smitten.
But one thing's for sure: if a snake's in the grass,
You'd better be certain to cover your ass.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla)

Second runner-up:
Tracey Emin's "My Bed" at the Tate museum in Liverpool, 2016. Photo by Richard Stonehouse, Getty Images
"My Bed"
Tracey Emin broke all the rules from the start,
Thus becoming an enfant terrible of art.
Spending four days in bed drinking nothing but booze,
She declared it was art and got stellar reviews.
"My Bed" is unmade, stained with menstrual blood,
And the floor's strewn with underwear, condoms and crud.
The furor she caused, though, was quick to abate,
And today it's worth eight million pounds to the Tate.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
"White Painting [three panel]," by Robert Rauschenberg
"It's brilliant, Bob!" gushed the curator on the phone.
"Daylight and shadow make a shifting tone-on-tone!"
Puzzled at his praise, I glanced at the crate
Where my finished artwork still sat in wait.
The couriers must have grabbed the other box,
The one with three blank canvases fresh from the docks!
Pausing just briefly, I said, "Gerald, you're too kind.
But I'm glad you see precisely what I designed!"
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the "Scream" finger puppet:

"Grey Lines with Black, Blue, and Yellow":
Like so many of Georgia O'Keeffe's works of art,
This resembles a delicate feminine part.
But she swore that it's simply a flower revealed;
As to anything further, her lips remain sealed.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

ILL AT EASEL: Honorable mentions

Two reflections on "The Creation of Adam" by Michelangelo:

The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
Has a fresco that's a zinger --
What is it that Adam's saying?
I suspect it's "Pull my finger."
(Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

If Adam had a mother not,
That navel must be Photoshopped!
If he was first, who took this shot?
It's time this AI crap is stopped!
(Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

"Luncheon on the Grass" by Edouard Manet:
What have we here, in shades of green
With blue, and yellow ocher?
A woman who from this day forth
Will never play strip poker.
(Jonathan Jensen)

"The Scream", by Edvard Munch:
Flouting painter pedagogy,
Munch produced the first emoji.
(Gary Crockett)

Two reflections on "The Thinker", by Auguste Rodin:

Is there a nobler pursuit than thinking?
Using our brains to examine, unblinking,
The difficult questions of our lives,
Like hit or stand with a six and two fives?
Or in my case, the inner muse chants:
I wonder where you left your pants?
(Pam Shermeyer)

He's naked and having the deepest of thoughts
On some toilet-height solid rock seating.
If sculpted today he'd be on a bidet
And not thinking, just scrolling and tweeting.
(Gary Crockett)

"The Kiss", by Gustav Klimt:
The models were directed: a mouth-to-mouth embrace.
But when he tried to kiss her lips, she quickly turned her face.
With a sore and twisted neck, her panties in a bunch,
She said, "You had to go and have some herring for your lunch?"
(Judy Freed)

"Fountain", by Marcel Duchamp:
At first, to calling "Fountain" art the critics made objection
Because the exhibition's men's room had a whole collection.
(Jesse Frankovich)

"Venus of Willendorf":
It's thirty thousand years or so
Since you were last alive;
If you were here, the Orange Bro
Would rate you a 1.5.
(Duncan Stevens)

the lovers ii, 1928 by rene magritte
"the lovers ii," by rene magritte, 1928
when they met at the bar, they were drunk.
he thought she was cute; she thought "hunk!"
but, in truth, beauty's fleeting.
that's why they make sheeting --
so daylight won't change what they thunk.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"The Abduction of Proserpina", by Bernini:
A scene that strikes a nerve for many ladies:
Persephone is set upon by Hades.
The piece was carved four hundred years ago,
And men still haven't learned that "no" means no.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

"i am," by salvatore garau, 2021 (read about it here)
"i am" was nothing to look at,
on its elegant white stand,
But became a "must haven't" for eighteen grand
When a buyer bought the empty space,
Called a "density of thoughts" -- and with a straight face --
By the artist of the sculpture made only of air,
Who was happy to certify: Nothing was there. (Stu Segal, "Southeast U.S.")


Two reflections on Michelangelo's "David"

I stand here in this gallery in Florence,
Where crowds of tourists, much to my abhorrence
Still come to gawk and laugh at limitations
Apparent on all David imitations
Around the world, with whom I share this linkage:
We're all unwilling poster boys for shrinkage.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Young Abishag was hired for to lie beneath the sheet
Beside the aging David to provide the king with ... heat.
The Bible says that Dave showed no reaction to her touch --
If Mikey's art is true to life, she wasn't missing much.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)


"Hometown Lake" by Thomas Kinkade (see it here)
The price of "Hometown Lake" might rise
Now that Tom's defunct,
Although we're asking post-demise
Why it's not been junked. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Washington Crossing the Delaware", by Emanuel Leutze:
Hey, George, this attack's s'posed to happen at night --
Not so steathy to do it by day!
And what's with the green-shirted dude on the right?
Why's he paddling the opposite way?
(Duncan Stevens)


The "flying skirt" photo of Marilyn Monroe, by Weegee (Arthur Fellig), 1954
In some lines of work, they say, "Dress for success!"
In others, the mantra "Success means undress!"
So Marilyn (never applauded as chaste)
Was caught with her skirt flapping up to her waist.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

"Judith Beheading Holofernes," by Artemisia Gentileschi, c. 1620
She's in the act of slicing through his neck;
On seeing it, my first reaction's "Yech!"
But then that's followed by "Am I psychotic?"
Because it's disconcertingly erotic. (Frank Osen)

"Orange and Yellow" by Mark Rothko (see it here)
"Orange and Yellow" might evoke a vibrant sunny morn,
But I believe it gives a close-up view of candy corn. (Jesse Frankovich)

Edward Hopper's "New York Movie," 1939.
We see ourselves set out among the towers,
Engage the streets, fight for a life and win it.
A half-lived life with unmet chances sours
The mind, and all the aspirations in it.

What--have a dream? She's too tired to begin it.
If she could choose just one from all the powers,
She'd leave her station in a New York minute,
But she must stay for two more goddamned hours.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

A well-intentioned parishioner at a 16th-century Spanish church attempted some art restoration in 2012:
"Hey ma'am, big thanks for painting touch-up!
Your efforts, they were spunky,
Don't bring results of it too much up:
Christ now looks like a monkey.
(Duncan Stevens)


The headline "MoMA Mia!" is by Lee Graham; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 13: our Week 66 contest to make an anagram of a business or product. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 66: Seeds of Change
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

NEXT WEEK, THE HORSES! Next Thursday, April 18, we'll have our annual wordplay contest to "breed" the names of two of this year's Triple Crown-nominated racehorses and name the "foal" that cleverly alludes to both names. Even if you're not a yearly subscriber, you can enter this contest AND the "grandfoal" contest two weeks hence for just the single-month $5 for the whole race card, along with all the other stuff for that whole month. Subscribe now to make sure you get the email notification.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Craig Dykstra; Kyle Bonney; John McCooey)
Title: (Lee Graham)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 66: Seeds of Change
Make an anagram of a name-brand product. Plus winning 15-name chains.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 05, 2024

BURPEE'S > PEE RUBS: A diaper rash product.

PREGO SPAGHETTI SAUCE > STAGIER CHEAPO GETUPS: Your one-stop shop for chicken-feather boas and genuine plastic Swaroffsky crystals!

FROSTED MINI-WHEATS > DIRTIEST AF SHOWMEN: Liven up your mornings with an assortment of these goodies -- even better served with a Pop-Tart.

Hello! Today we present a brand-newR contest that we've never done before, at least in the last 6,000 years of The Invitational, though we can't be certain because our memories aren't what they used to be back before we were pre-menopausal and had prostate glands smaller than beanbag chairs. Anyhoo, here's the contest:

Choose any company name or name-brand product and rearrange all its letters into another business or product, and describe it. You might or might not include both the company name and the product name (e.g., either Frosted Mini-Wheats or Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats is fine) but don't do something purely generic, like "spaghetti sauce." While you must use all the letters in the original, you may delete or add punctuation as you like.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-66. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Format them as you'd like to see them published.

Deadline is Saturday, April 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 18.

The winner gets a vintage Toilet Hunting Game, discovered at a thrift store by Invite Fan Since Toddlerhood Valerie Holt. We normally recommend devoting one's reign on the throne to writing Invitational entries, but we're also seeing possibilities for inspiration here.


They TOLD you to improve your aim, right? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Nudge Nudge, Link Link: The name chains of Week 64
In Week 64 we asked you to make a chain of up to fifteen names -- of people, brands, titles of works, etc. -- in which each name somehow related to the one before it, as simply as a similar surname, or something else less obvious: some shared experience, a reference to the person's work, or, best, some clever joke (see Elton JOHN * W.C. Fields below). The chain could begin and end with the same name, or the two ends could relate in some way, even as opposites. Some of the chain-links below might evince a whaaa?; feel free to ask about them today in the comments or questions, and we'll hash them out.

Even though we'd explicitly specified that the chain was to be made up of proper nouns, dozens of entries included such non-names as "genetic code," "urine," and "hand job." (Although, yes, each of those would be a good name for a rock band, and probably is one somewhere.) As Loser Since Year 1 Dave Zarrow noted when the Empress lamented the non-names on Facebook, wondering if people didn't understand the directions: "I was an English major and I assure you I know what a proper noun is. What I don't know is what directions is."

Third runner-up:
Joe Biden; Joe Namath; "Bennie and the Jets"; Elton John; W.C. Fields; "Strawberry Fields Forever"; Darryl Strawberry; Lou Gehrig; "The Pride of the Yankees"; "Death Be Not Proud"; John Donne; Brooks & Dunn; Mel Brooks; "The 2000 Year Old Man"; Joe Biden. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
Barbie; Skipper; "Gilligan's Island," Newton Minow; "The Waste Land"; Baba O'Riley; Ali Baba; Ali Hakim; Curly; the Three Stooges; Trinity; "Oppenheimer." (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Jesus Christ; Christmas; New Year's Day; Election Day; Donald Trump? JESUS CHRIST! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the alligator socks:
Beyonce; "Texas Hold 'Em"; "Poker Face"; Lady Gaga; "Shallow"; Bradley Cooper; Leonard Bernstein; Leonardo DiCaprio; "Gangs of New York"; York Peppermint Pattie; Schroeder; Beethoven; Def Jam; Jay-Z; Beyonce. (Chris Doyle)

Trail of Nears: Honorable mentions
DJT; Melania Trump; Melanie Griffith; Griffith Park; Los Angeles; "Angel from Montgomery"; Rosa Parks; "Parks and Recreation"; Amy Poehler; "The Polar Express"; Tom Hanks; Mister Rogers. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Jack Smith; Captain John Smith; Jamestown; King James; Martin Luther King; Ebenezer Baptist Church; Ebenezer Scrooge; Tiny Tim; Miss Vicki; Victoria Beckham; the Spice Girls; "Who Do You Think You Are"; Donald Trump. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Alex Ovechkin; Magic 8 Ball; Magic Johnson; Boris Johnson; Winston Churchill; Winnie-the-Pooh; Christopher Robin; Christopher Marlowe; William Shakespeare; Puck; Alex Ovechkin. (Stephanie Martin, Arlington, Va., whose only previous Invitational ink was in 1996)

Barbie; Roald Dahl; "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"; Charlie Parker; Tweety Bird; Sylvester Stallone; Rocky and Bullwinkle; Boris Johnson; Blondie; Debbie Harry; "When Harry Met Sally"; Meg Ryan; Ryan Gosling; Ken; Barbie. (Chris Doyle)

Elizabeth Holmes; "Bitch Better Have My Money"; Rihanna; "Shut Up and Drive"; Jack Nicklaus; Jack London; London, England; Queen Elizabeth; Elizabeth Holmes. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Hannibal Lecter; Hannibal the general; Robert E. Lee; Francis Lightfoot Lee; Gordon Lightfoot; Gordon Ramsay. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Harriet Tubman; the Underground Railroad; the Velvet Underground; Lou Reed; "Venus in Furs"; Venus Williams; Essie Mae Washington-Williams; Strom Thurmond. (Roy Ashley)

Henry Gibson; "Laugh-In"; Ruth Buzzi; Babe Ruth; "Baseball"; Ken Burns; Ken; Barbie; "A Doll's House"; Henrik Ibsen. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Batman; Robin Hood; Little John; John Major; 10 Downing Street; White House; "Casablanca"; Ingrid Bergman; Ingmar Bergman; "Wild Strawberries"; Captain Queeg; Cap'n Crunch; Count Chocula; Count Dracula; Batman. (Chris Doyle)

Bruce Springsteen; Boss Tweed; Thomas Nast; Conde Nast; Vogue; Madonna; Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil; Popeye the Sailor Man; Captain Jack Sparrow; Johnny Depp; Hunter S. Thompson, Raoul Duke; "The Dukes of Hazzard"; Boss Hogg; Bruce Springsteen. (Chris Doyle)

Cap'n Crunch; Captain Stubing; "The Love Boat"; Banana Boat; Chiquita Juice & Smoothie; "Beetlejuice;" Lauren Boebert; Quinn Gallagher; "Do That To Me One More Time"; the Captain and Tennille. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Hunter Biden; Holly Hunter; Holly Golightly; Audrey Hepburn; "My Fair Lady"; Judge Judy; Judy Garland; Dorothy; Kansas; "Carry On Wayward Son"; Hunter Biden. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jack Black; "Billy Jack"; Bill Murray; "Stripes"; the White Stripes; Jack White. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"The Art of the Deal"; Art Garfunkel; "America"; Kraft American Cheese; Minecraft; "Mein Kampf." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The Dalai Lama; "Hello, Dolly!"' Carol Channing; "Gentleman Prefer Blondes"; Marilyn Monroe; Joe DiMaggio; Mr. Coffee; Mr. Peanut; George Washington Carver; Sonny Perdue; Frank Perdue; Chicken Little; Josh Hawley. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Josh Hawley; Holly Golightly; "The Light Fantastic"; "Fantastic Mr. Fox"; Fox News; Leni Riefenstahl; Lenny Bruce; Bruce Springsteen; "Born to Run"; Josh Hawley. (Duncan Stevens)

Nancy Pelosi; the Wicked Witch; "The Wizard of Oz"; "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"; Elton John; "Bennie and the Jets"; Jack Benny; Jack the Ripper; Nancy Pelosi. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mao Zedong; Henry Kissinger; Zsa Zsa Gabor; Conrad Hilton; Joseph Conrad; "Heart of Darkness"; "Heartbreak Hotel"; "Hotel California"; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Maria Shriver; Jack Kennedy; Richard Nixon; Mao Zedong. (Kenneth Enright, Setubal, Portugal)

Donald Trump; Donald Duck; Walt Disney; Walt Whitman; "O Captain! My Captain!"; Captain Underpants; "Below the Belt"; Pussy Galore; Donald Trump. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Donald Trump; Ronald McDonald; Michael McDonald; the Doobie Brothers; "What a Fool Believes"; Donald Trump. (Steve Smith)

The Gardens of Versailles; Louis XIV; Le Grand Dauphin; Flipper; Florida Keys; Jimmy Buffett; "Why Don't We Get Drunk"; Rudy Giuliani; Four Seasons Total Landscaping. (Pam Shermeyer)

Tom Thumb; Thumbelina; Hans Christian Andersen; Anderson Cooper; the Mini Cooper; Minnie Mouse; Mao Zedong; Cultural Revolution; Revolutionary War; Paul Revere; Paul Bunyan. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Twitter; the Bluebird of Happiness; "Happy Days"; Henry Winkler; Henry James; James Bond; "Skyfall"; Chicken Little; Malcolm Little; X. (Kevin Dopart)

Yogi Berra; "Damn Yankees"; "You Gotta Have Heart"; "Heart of Gold"; Neil Young; Neil Diamond; Diamond Jim Brady; Jim Henson; Fozzie Bear; Yogi Bear. (Jonathan Jensen)

Batman; Babe Ruth; Homer Simpson; Play-Doh; "The Republic"; Richard Stans; "American Bandstand"; Dick Clark; Clark Kent; Superman. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Debbie Harry; Dirty Harry; "Dirty Dancing"; Baby; Donald J. Trump; Stormy Daniels; Blondie; Debbie Harry. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Zbigniew Brzezinski; Mika Brzezinski; MSNBC; NBC News; New York Daily News; The Daily Planet; Clark Kent; Superman; Mr. Mxyzptlk. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And Last: Vladimir Putin; "Puttin' On the Ritz"; "Young Frankenstein"; Gene Wilder; Gene Weingarten; Czar Nicholas II. (Gary Crockett)

The headline "Nudge Nudge, Link Link" is by Tom Witte; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 6: Our Week 65 contest to write a funny poem about the work of art of your choice. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 65: A Thousand Words
Write a funny poem about the artwork of your choice. Plus winning rewrites of the State of the Union.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 28, 2024
Credit: Universal Images Group via Getty Images/Bildagentur-online
Why we're so fond-a
Ms. Gioconda:
Why is this lady smiling?
And why is it so darn beguiling?
Here's a theory (just one):
The painter's fly was undone.

Hello. This week's contest idea is stolen from The Spectator, a British magazine that has been running its humor contest so long that it is is actually older than The Invitational, which is itself older than dirt scraped from Socrates' sandal.

For Invitational Week 65: Write a humorous poem about the work of visual art of your choice; include a link to the picture if it's not, you know, as trite as the Mona Lisa. It can be a painting, a sculpture, or anything else reasonably well known that you define as "art." We are very lenient. Yes, "Dogs Playing Poker" would qualify. Your poem must contain at least one rhyme. The joke in the verse above was, appropriately, stolen by us from Chris Doyle, who made it many years ago in The Style Invitational, which was itself stolen from the New York Magazine Competition.

Good, then.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-65. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Format them as you'd like to see them published.

Deadline is Saturday, April 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 11.

The winner, apropos of our High Art focus this week, gets a Edvard Munch "Scream" character finger puppet. We are angstful to Dave Prevar for the donation.


Seems to fit best on the middle one: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


The New Word Order: The SOTU rewrites of Week 63
In Week 63 we showed you a transcript of President Biden's State of the Union address and invited you to pluck words from it and rearrange them into some funny statement -- either from an alternate SOTU (as most entries did) or something else. The hundreds and hundreds of results were incredibly clever and funny; the Czar wanted to choose twelve finalists instead of four, until the Empress declared that this would violate some basic rule of God and The Natural Order of the Universe and they fought about it with Biblical ferocity and she won.

Thanks heaps to Loser Gary Crockett, who designed a computer program to check that each entry contained only words that Biden said (we allowed for changes in punctuation and capitalization).

Third runner-up:
What if I put a million soldiers on the border and build a 100-foot wall from Texas to the Pacific? Will any of you Republicans vote for me? No? How about I cut taxes on the wealthy to zero -- would that work? No again? What if I also put an end to Obamacare? What do you say? Still no? Well, I'll be darned! Are you guys all brain-dead or do you just hate me that much? Let's get the hell out of here -- Jill, it's time for us to leave. I'll see you at the car. (Chris Doyle, Denton Tex.)

Second runner-up:
Did you hear about the Jewish mother whose oldest child wanted to become President? She said: "Good for you. I support whatever you choose to do. And I don't want to burden you. But though I've been managing my health without your help, my eyes, face, foot, back, and arms don't feel right, I'm at risk for diabetes and advanced arthritis, and I've been blocked up for three weeks. Having a doctor in the family would not be so bad either. Just saying." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
The next president could give free fentanyl to every baby, equip the military with water guns, and put marijuana farms in every kindergarten class -- and he would still be better than my predecessor. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings that look as if your lobes are being impaled by a cat:
You say I am ancient, but not so! I am certain that Franklin Roosevelt was dead before I was elected to the Senate, and I never even met President Lincoln! I also did not go across the Delaware with that other fellow! I also was not there for the crossing of the Red Sea! I just want to be clear about this. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Groandiloquence: Honorable mentions
I have a dream. In it, I'm elected president again and, like my best friend Putin, can have guys who are in my way dropped from a grand 58-story building -- one that's named after me. -- Donald Trump (Chris Doyle)

The story that the talk show folks all tell:
They say that I was born and live in hell.
I should be jailed for crimes so dark and bad
That learning of them could send most folks mad.
I've led the the Justice group toward one mad goal:
The persecution of a good, kind soul
Who's absolutely very innocent--
So down the pipes this once-great country went.
BUT!
I'm also ancient, though--so sick and old
My brain is gone! I cannot even hold
A thought! By now it's not at all clear whether
I've got the sense to put three words together.
One story or the other they should choose?
Don't have to when you talk for cable news. (Duncan Stevens)

Before voting for any Republican who's endorsed the predecessor, I would choose Snickers bars taken from my behind. -- Democratic voter (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Republicans are saying that I'm so old, my first girl-friend was Bettie Rubble, when the truth is, it was Franklin Roosevelt's sister. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

I can't remember if I put my supporter on tonight. That hands-job woman might crack me in my junk. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Every voter must remember the words of my predecessor, who said (and this is an exact quote): "We are a nation that just heard that Saudi Arabia and Russia will we-be-do-a." (Frank Osen)

"Bragging, it's what I do. I have the best brain, the best chaos, the best bowing. My businesses all do great, not counting most or all of my businesses." (Leif Picoult)

As we look around today, we see war, poverty, crime, disease, climate change, and Republicans. People often ask me: "Mr. President, how are you able to remain optimistic in these times?" I tell them, "Thank God for marijuana!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

I know a lot about inflation stopping, thanks to having a very old member. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Is there an over/under on how many times I'll say "my predecessor" tonight? No? Well, there must be some way I can make money from this. Wait, I know! Products! What if I dropped a Snickers line in there? Can I get away with saying "Nationwide is on your side," or is that too obvious? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

My wife told me our love life could use something new. So I said, "How about a three-way?" She said, "Great idea! You choose the two guys and then you can watch." (Chris Doyle)

I fear for my predecessor. Right now he is very close to Putin, but that may not last long. He might know too much. I'm just saying that, if he goes to Moscow, he should not stand around in a high place with nothing to protect him from falling, if you know what I mean. (Duncan Stevens)

Why would you vote for my predecessor? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? (Gregory Koch)

So you've heard that my predecessor needs money. Half a billion dollars, give or take a few more convictions. So give what you can and let's show how much we love and respect him! (Everyone snickers and goes back to looking at their phones.) (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Folks, the other fellow has it tough right now, and I feel bad for him. What say all 500 people here give him 500,000 dollars each? He really needs the bucks. That would pay almost half of his court penalties, you know, and he will not have to mortgage his house. I hope everyone chips in. (Duncan Stevens)

Private companies are investing billions to build new chip factories in America, but you know what? Even they will probably put fewer chips in the same size bag. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

We are the party of freedom and God,
Of billionaires, guns and the fetus.
So patriots, rise -- with our money and lies
We'll make sure that the Left cannot beat us. (Jonathan Jensen)

As a mother, I fear for our young ones. You should too. This is what can now be found in kindergarten books: "A little to the right ... Some more to the left ... Oh yes ... Yeah ... baby ... Right there ... Oh ... God ... Just like that." Save our innocent children! Keep books banned! -- President, Women's Coalition of Conservatives Standing Against Women Even Though We ARE Women (Judy Freed)

My wife Jill has had it tough, you know. She once went up to a high place with her friend Jackie to bring back some water, and the fellow had a serious accident! His brain got extremely broken! Jill fell down as well but lived to tell the story. You might have heard about this before. (Duncan Stevens)

Good evening, America. I have something important to share with you tonight. Up to now I've always been called "he" and "him." Over the years there's been a change in the way I see myself. From now on I would like everyone to use the words "they" and "them" when talking about me. Jill * is something the matter? (Jonathan Jensen)

I have spoken to Russian President Gorbachev *what is that, Madam Vice President? *oh, President Putin *about the war in Iran* I mean Ukraine* (Jon Ketzner)

My predecessor is the greatest president this country has ever seen. Wait, am I reading that right? I ask your forgiveness. My eyes aren't what they used to be. (Eric Nelkin)

Once, I had this dream where I was being beaten with a scourge in Pier 1, while making love to three nurses from Sweden, one of whom was wrenching a triple-A battery in and out of my behind. I tell you this freely because the other guy's sexual dreams are always about Putin and Hitler. (Frank Osen)

I hate to say this, but the other fellow is not very smart. He is not the sharpest of tools in the small building where you keep things like that. There are brighter electric units on the big cut plant you put in your living room before January. The battery operates, but nobody is home. His card collection has been found to miss a few. You know what I mean. (Duncan Stevens)

What do I plan for my next term? Things that are way from the beaten path. We will put all of our college students in kindergarten again. We will shrink the Capitol to, say, one foot high, and have everyone plant jasmine in their cars. We will give each NATO member fifteen hundred Snickers bars. I am not sure why we will do these things, but it will be great. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Are you a derailed Loser, hungry for ideas for your competition? Let me help you -- just read my State of the Union address, removing choice words and manufacturing something new and different! Conservatives do this to me all the time! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline "The New Word Order" is by Jeff Contompasis; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 30: Our Week 64 name-chain contest. Click on the link below.


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Invitational Week 64: You're Workin' on a Chain, Gang
A classic connection game. Plus winning ways to stress yourself out.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 21, 2024

Hello. Welcome to the new Invitational Gene Pool, which is new but also old.

It is the oldest Gene Pool Invitational ever, in fact, so old that it dates from a time when the Gene Pool was not yet even a gene or a zygote or a gamete or a pool or anything, though it might have been recognized as a human life by the state of Alabama. It was, at the time, a contest in New York Magazine, run by a very smart woman named Mary Ann Madden, and she had pioneered a type of contest requiring readers to link names, in a maddeningly brilliant sequence, starting with one name and ending with the same name. At the tender and sullen age of 21 or so, Gene entered this contest, one entry only, which included "U.S. Grant" linked to "Ford Foundation." This link was published in New York Magazine, in the famed New York Magazine Competition, but attributed to someone else. Gene was outraged and pledged to spend the remainder of his miserable life avenging this terrible slight, and he did, starting The Invitational as The Style Invitational, in 1993, vengefully determined to destroy the New York Magazine Competition.

He succeeded, and here we are today. No one alive remembers the New York Magazine Competition, except us, with a little guilt. We have perpetrated several knockoffs of the name-chain contest, including the two versions we'll use today. The first is identical -- start with a name and end with the same name -- and the second is a variation: Start with a name and end with a very, very different name, but one that has some sort of (probably negative) connection with the first:

Colin Kaepernick; "QB VII"; Leon Uris; Leon Panetta; Caspar Weinberger; Casper the Friendly Ghost; the Holy Ghost; God; Pope Francis; Francis Scott Key; "The Star-Spangled Banner"; Colin Kaepernick (Chris Doyle)

Kim Kardashian; Lil Kim; Little Richard; "Good Golly Miss Molly"; Molly Shannon; Shannon, Ireland; Kathy Ireland; Christie Brinkley; Billy Joel; "Allentown"; Steve Allen; Merv Griffin; Eva Gabor; Eddie Albert; Albert Einstein. (Hildy Zampella)

NY Mag called its name chain contest the Game of Dan Greenburg -- the same humorist whose book coincidentally inspired this week's (unrelated) Invitational results below. Here's how we'll do it this time.

For Invitational Week 64: Create a chain of no more than 15 proper nouns -- names of people (real or fictional), products, places, etc. -- in which each name relates somehow to the previous one, as in the examples above from our 2006 name chain contest (results here). What we're looking for is, duh, clever and funny. You may bookend the list either with the same name, as in the first example, or with contrasting ones, as in the second.

We're asking you to briefly explain the less obvious links -- but only at the end of your entry. That way we can judge your entry without seeing the explanation, but be able to peek if we don't get it.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-64. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry -- including any explanations in parentheses -- as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 30, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 4.

The winner gets a handsome pair of socks that appear to be alligator heads eating your ankles. Highly recommended for wearing to your IRS audit.

mens trendy cartoon crocodile pattern crew socks breathable comfy casual unisex socks for mens outdoor wearing all seasons wearing street style 0
Wear them with Crocs? This week's prize. (Temu.com)

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Say Yes to the Stress: The anxiety-producers of Week 62
In Week 62, inspired by Dan Greenburg's 1960s humor classic How to Make Yourself Miserable, we asked for strategies on how to increase anxiety.

Third runner-up: When giving a public speech, imagine that you are naked. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: Start to say something, then notice that the word on the tip of your tongue is staying right there on the tip, but not coming out of your mouth. Immediately assume you have early-onset Alzheimer's. Google "What is the word for when you can't think of the word you want to say" and freak out even more because you knew it was called aphasia but couldn't think of it. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up: If you have financial worries, just stop spending money on your anti-anxiety medication. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of a copy of "How to Make Yourself Miserable": Tell the tattoo artist to "surprise me." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Nervous Nearlies: Honorable mentions
Ask Elon Musk to name your newborn, promising to use whatever name he chooses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Regularly worry that the recurring dream I have about being in school naked is my real life and that my dreams are actually the boring crap I thought was real. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

You worry that your recently published paper on "impostor syndrome" will expose you for the incompetent hack you are. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Do incriminating internet searches like "undetectable poisons" and "how to hide a human body" and hope nothing bad happens to anybody you know for a few years. (Sam Mertens)

My date ordered a roasted garlic appetizer and an entree with garlic sauce. I worry: Is she trying to tell me she doesn't want to kiss me later? Warding me off like I'm a vampire? Or maybe she just likes garlic? Should I go heavy on the garlic, too, signaling that we have something in common? Or will she interpret that as a sign that I don't want to kiss her? But I do want to kiss her. So I guess I should indicate that by not ordering anything with garlic? Maybe I should get something with a mint sauce? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Before embarking on a long drive in risky road conditions, don a pair of tattered, pee-stained underwear. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

When you've climbed halfway up to your second-story roof, the ladder's right leg suddenly sinks two inches. You figure that if you keep your weight toward the left leg, you'll probably be okay. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Write "DEFUND THE POLICE" on your driver's license with a Sharpie, then remove a taillight bulb. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Call your mother. (Jesse Frankovich)

Go to a cemetery. Note all the headstones of people born after you. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I worry that my toenails will stop growing before I reach my goal: flipping the light switch without getting out of bed. (Jon Gearhart)

You worry that if cigar is just a cigar, then your life's work is meaningless, but if it's not, then why do you always have one in your mouth? -- S. Freud (Steve Smith)

If I wanted to make myself really nervous, I'd rearrange the pencils on my desk so that they are no longer in order of length. (Luther Jett, Washington Grove, Md.)

Program a speaker to occasionally play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor when you open your basement door. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ride all night on the New York City subway with only a "Bang!" flag pistol in your pocket to protect you. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Volunteer as a judge in a fugu chef competition. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Volunteer to bring cupcakes to the office for the boss's birthday, then carry them in on a plate, riding your unicycle. (Duncan Stevens)

Send an OK Cupid message to someone you really like. Immediately realize that you sounded like a total dork. Obsess over whether to send a follow-up message. Doubt that someone like him would even read another message from someone as dorky as you. Consider permanently deleting your profile. Worry that if you do, you will most likely die single, alone, and mysteriously bloated. (Judy Freed)

At your wedding, unconditionally trust a fart. (Kevin Dopart)

Summer is almost here and it's time to bring out your swimsuit from the back of your dresser. To calm your nerves, you polish off a sleeve of Oreos. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Take a knee during the National Anthem at a Klan meeting. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Save a few bucks and cancel the home insurance. (Sam Mertens)

Instead of picturing the audience in their underwear, when I give a speech I picture them in my underwear. Not only is this just as ineffective at decreasing anxiety, but then you also face that alarming question: "How did all these people get my underwear?" (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.)

When shopping for a Valentine's Day present for your wife, buy her some chocolates, but also buy a lacy bra and put it under the bed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

When sitting next to Travis Kelce at a Taylor Swift concert, call for "Free Bird." (Jon Ketzner)

When the toilet's clogged, try your luck that an extra flush will clear things and not make them overflow. (Sam Mertens)

You alternately worry that your daughter won't get into an Ivy League school and, if she does, that voters will find out she's attending an Ivy League school. -- T. Cruz (Steve Smith)

You secretly fear there's more to fear than fear itself. -- FDR (Steve Smith)

Take a little blue pill or two before giving your presentation to the League of Women Voters. (Chris Doyle)

And Last: Complain to Pat and Gene that you don't get enough ink. Then, when you still don't get ink, wonder if that's because you complained, or if it's because your entries still suck. (Leif Picoult)

And Even Laster: Should I quit doing this silly contest? If I do, I'll have a little more spare time. I could start a new hobby, maybe pick up a new skill. But after I quit people might THINK I'm still entering, and that I never get ink because all my stuff just sucks. Damn it, am I stuck doing this forever? (Tom Witte, Invitational entrant virtually every week since 1993)

The headline "Say Yes to the Stress" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 23: Our Week 63 contest for writing funny things by stringing together random words from President Biden's State of the Union address. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
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Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 63: SOTU-Speak
Use words from Biden's State of the Union speech to write some lines for another oration. Plus winning photo captions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 14, 2024

"That one behind me on my left? Don't you think he would absolutely like to be back home right now with a Snickers -- even a lead-smothered one?" This week, combine words from the SOTU into something new and different. (Photo by Matt McClain/The Washington Post)
--

For Invitational Week 63: Using only words that President Biden used during his State of the Union address last week, write either a fake passage from a SOTU or a similar speech or * well, anything else: a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything. For consistency, please use this special White House transcript, which includes not just Biden's prepared remarks, but also his off-the-script comments, and even when he misspeaks ("The threat to democracy must be defended [defeated].")

We have some game rules this week, about how many times you can use a word; whether you can use a different form of the word (if "lies" are in there, can you use "lie"?); the deal on hyphens, capitalization, punctuation, etc. etc. etc. We face the FAQs -- and also, thanks to the generous help of Loser Gary Crockett, provide a list of every word Biden said along with the number of times it occurs -- at this link right here.

For guidance 'n' inspiration, see the boffo inking entries from our 2021 Inaugural Address contest.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-63. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 28.

The winner gets a pair of very tiny earrings that look as if an astonished black cat has burst through each of your earlobes.


They probably won't yowl or bite: This week's prize earrings. (Temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Presenting Our Snideshow: The photo captions of Week 61
(Photos at tinyurl.com/inv-week-61 )

In Invitational Week 61 we asked for captions for any or all of the six photos below. Picture A prompted many of you to conjure up your fond memories of being on hold with tech support, waiting for Windows to update, etc.

Photo A:

Second runner-up: Sadly, the Wuhan lab was also sloppy with computer viruses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Jim, your camera is turned off. Are you still with us? We're just about through line item 1410.23." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Forensic experts quickly concluded the victim was 67 years old, judging from the width and pattern of that tie. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

For some people, Ozempic works extremely fast. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Photo B:

First runner-up: Bobo didn't get the memo that Friday was Dress Like a Human Day. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Third runner-up: After the rounds of interviews and a grueling morning of skill assessments, Warren felt he had a good shot at the job -- until Dave asked, "What's with the gorilla suit?" (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Diane finally figured out how to keep her male colleagues from leering at her. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Now streaming on Netflix, "The Planning of the Apes." (Kevin Dopart)

"C'mon, that's obviously just a chimponzi scheme." (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Bongo was having that dream again where he showed up naked to work and everyone was staring. (Eric Nelkin)

"Let's throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks." (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Allstate Ape is a pretty feeble ripoff of the Geico Gecko. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Bobo raised his fat fingers in dismay, suddenly horrified to get the joke about his wide nostrils. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

It turned out that not every Employee of the Month at Acme Costumes considered it an honor to wear the gorilla suit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)


Photo C:

The giant two-headed flesh-eating worm was fond of partaking of lunch and dinner simultaneously. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Two long-tongued gay men seek privacy. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Inspired by "Get Smart," CIA scientists developed the Colon of Silence. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Smith and Jones duct out for lunch. (Kevin Dopart)

A low-budget take on "The Human Centipede" dispenses with the more controversial anus scenes. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

As U.S. negotiators worked to extract themselves from Xi Jinping's "head trap" gag, China completed its takeover of Taiwan. (Steve Smith)

Both men thought Nordstrom's recruiter had said the jobs were in men's hosiery. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Look, one of us has to go into the worm costume feet first." (Michael Stein)

Craig and Todd heard they could expand their influence by becoming U-Tubers. (Jesse Frankovich)


Photo D:

And the winner of the dopamine-molecule plushie key chain: It was the best of toms, it was the worst of toms ... -- A Tale of Two Kitties (Jesse Frankovich)

"He's gonna eat it! I pooped in the dog's dish, and he's really gonna eat it!" (Mark Raffman)

You can tell whether a cat has been neutered by showing it "kitty porn." (Mark Raffman)


Photo E:

"What do you think it says about our parenting skills that we have to YouTube 'How to do "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" '?" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

"Five fingers on each hand! At least we know we're not an AI hallucination." (David Sarokin, Washington, D.C.)

"Yeah, I'd upsize it. You want to catch their eye with your Grindr photo." (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

As Alice showed how she used a TikTok video to conjure up the devil, Kevin stepped in to explain how she should have done it. (Richard Franklin)

John didn't feel it was inappropriate to hit on his coworkers, as long as his wedding ring was on his middle finger. (Richard Franklin)

Cosmetics tip: Flat-screen monitor radiation is perfect for drying your nail polish. (Kevin Dopart)


Photo F:

Ghislaine Maxwell conducts job interviews. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

After a hefty meal of beans and broccoli, the Tooting Rombowski Sisters were ready for their audition. (Sam Mertens)

It was the '70s and we had fresh new ideas about how to break the glass ceiling. (Patrick Huss, New Britain, Pa., a First Offender)

"'Sesame Street' is brought to you today by the letter W." (Eric Nelkin)

It was fun and games at the beginning of the secretarial pool strike, but the scab in the back would get a kick in the face soon enough. (Mark Raffman)

And thus began the firm's bottom-up reorg. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At the Literalist Society of America, workers get their asses in gear. (Steve Smith)

Even in the face of severe supply chain disruptions, Peloton continued to offer online classes. (Kevin Dopart)

"Well, what did you expect when you applied for a job at Schwinn?" (Lee Graham; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Dryland Synchronized Swimming Club of Manhattan. How may I direct your call?" (Steve Smith)

The headline "Presenting Our Snideshow" is by Tom Witte.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 16: Our Week 62 contest for novel ways to stress yourself out. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 62: Hi, Anxiety!
Tell us some funny ways to stress yourself out. Plus winning diary entries by historical figures.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 7, 2024

Before he became Vlad the Impaler, Mr. Tepes knew he had to change his less impressive sobriquet. See today's Invitational results for historical "diary entries."
Hello. This is Invitational Thursday, and a fine Invitational it will be, but first we must alert our audience to the vice-like grip of evil and stupidity under which we have fallen, and urge all of you with the influence and standing to make a change *. make it, before it is too late.

Look at that paragraph above. Do you see anything wrong with it? You should. It is awful if you don't. You must atone.

The expression is "a vise-like grip." The simile is to a vise, a metal bench tool with one movable jaw and one stationary jaw. It clamps things tightly. A "vice" -- pronounced identically -- is a wickedness or moral depravity. The only connection between the two words is that it would be fitting and proper to define as wicked or morally depraved the editors of American dictionaries who have recently decided that since this word has been ludicrously misspelled by ignorant Americans for the last 20 years, they had to shrug and meekly surrender. According to Google, the expression "vice-like" is out there on the Web in significantly greater numbers than "vise-like." So, ipso facto, dictionaries are now accepting that patent misspelling.

These editors have fallen under the evil thrall of Usage Autocrats, who insist that language is a living breathing thing -- which it is -- but also that it is a thing that must be robotically altered and broadened whenever a word can be proved to have been abused in the same doltish way enough times -- which it is not.

Dictionary editors make a big show of requiring a statistically high number of usage examples by prominent, influential people in order to consider adjusting a spelling or definition. It's the way the Roman Catholic Church insists on "authenticating" miracles before they confer sainthood. Both are processes of disingenuous sanctification.

Let's starve the editors of their phony pretext. Let's blacklist "vice-like" foreverafter. Thank you!

This is stressing me out.

--

OUR NEW INVITATIONAL CONTEST: Stress Yourself Out by Inducing Anxiety
This week's contest, suggested by reader Joan Witte, is based on a little gem of 1960s humor, the book How to Make Yourself Miserable, by the late Dan Greenburg (himself a regular winner of the late New York Magazine Competition, the template from which The Invitational was modeled stolen).

Adapted from the original book's section on dinner parties:
If you're at someone else's house, alternate between (a) worrying that they're wishing you'd leave already and (b) worrying that they'd be terribly hurt if you left so soon.
If you're the host of the party and the person says he guesses he'd better get going, be sure to (a) worry that he's actually hoping you'll ask him to stay, but also (b) worry that he's trying to get out of your house.

Adapted from the book's "Exercise in Anxiety":
You have an important business trip out of town. The night before the morning you have to leave, you drive your car around and around until it has juuust enough gas left to get to the airport. In the morning, leave your house in juuust enough time to catch your plane so long as there are no unexpected delays such as bad traffic or having to stop for gas.

And an example we just now made up: Bring your two-year old to your audience with the Archbishop of Canterbury. To make the lad seem all grown up and precocious, put him in his big-boy pants, which cannot accommodate diapers, on the theory that he can't possibly have to go dooky twice in three hours.

--

For Invitational Week 62: Tell us a funny strategy for increasing your anxiety, like those above. Don't make it any longer than those unless they're immensely readable; much shorter entries would be perfectly fine as well. (As in many Invite contests, they might be "signed" by some famous person, fictional character, etc.)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-62. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 16, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 21.

The winner gets a copy of How to Make Yourself Miserable. We actually have two! So you have your choice between a well-used 1966 first-edition hardcover, donated by Richard Franklin (who's both a 32-time Loser and a commercial airline pilot, so who better to know about miserable people?) or a good-condition 1987 paperback update, called How to Make Yourself Miserable for the Rest of the Century, given us by Joan Witte along with her contest suggestion.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Make (Up) My Day: The 'diary entries' of Week 60
In Invitational Week 60 we asked you to write up diary entries of famous people throughout history. (There were allowances. Yes, we know that the Chinese emperor didn't date his journal with "B.C.") Meanwhile, we're thrilled to welcome two First Offenders this week into Loserdom -- one of them in the top four -- breaking a sixteen-week FirStinkless prize drought.

Third runner-up:
Dec. 20, 1898 : We are so close! I truly believe we are on the precipice of achieving our goal: a watch you can read in the dark. -- Marie Curie (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
29 December, 1924: Still need a last line for this novel. I could go with "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past," though I'm still partial to "That's all, folks!" -- F. Scott F. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
April 6, A.D. 33: Must remind J that we need thirty pieces of silver by Friday or they'll repossess the donkey. -- Myrtle Iscariot (Ann Fisher, Marquette, Mich., a First Offender)

And the winner of the jointed wooden hand:
March 30, 1946: After Mrs. Braddock chided me at last night's party, "Winston, you're drunk!" I threw up in her lap. Must hire a publicist to spin this into a devastatingly witty anecdote. -- Churchill (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

In Diarist Straits: Honorable mentions
Aug. 15, 1962: Can't help but feel like we're just missing one critical piece that's keeping us from making it big. I wonder if the other lads feel the same way. -- Pete Best (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

December 26, 1776: We successfully took Trenton, though the attack was almost too late! My fault for slowing us down crossing the river--I never should've let that guy persuade me to pose for an oil painting en route.--G.W. (Duncan Stevens)

October 10, 1838: - . ... - .. -. --. --..-- / - . ... - .. -. --. .-.-.- / .. / .... .- ...- . / - .... .-. . . / -. .. .--. .--. .-.. . ... --..-- / .- -. -.. / .. .----. -- / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .- / ...- .. .-. --. .. -. .-.-.- / .... .- .... .- .-.-.- / -. --- / --- -. . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / . ...- . .-. / -... . / .- -... .-.. . / - --- / .-. . .- -.. / - .... .. ... .-.-.- --Samuel F.B. Morse (to read the message, click on this link to a Morse Code translator, then copy the code into it, beginning with that first dash) (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

April 2, Year 1: Baby J took his first steps on water today! -- M. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

April 1, 1814: It's bad enough that the British fake news says I wear lifts and look funny in white boots. Now Josephine compares my imperial truncheon to un petit champignon! -- N. Bonaparte (Frank Osen)

220 B.C.: I'm going to build a big, beautiful wall and the Mongols are going to pay for it. -- Emperor Qin Shi Huang (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

December 17, 1903: Can't believe we invented flight! Two high school dropouts! Next project: putting peanuts in little bags--Wilbur Wright (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

April 28, 1945: Oh happy days! He's finally putting a ring on it! -- Eva Braun (Sam Mertens)

July 15, 2013: Driving me nuts to be losing the publicity battle to Zuckerberg. PR flacks say we need a plan to get my name in the paper every day. -- J. Bezos (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

January 14, 2009, LaGuardia Airport Marriott: Arrived to clear skies this evening and saw a flock of several hundred Canada geese. Beautiful. Should be good weather to fly to Charlotte tomorrow. -- Sully (Kenneth Enright, Setubal, Portugal, a First Offender)

Sept. 13, 1996: Big audition today for the movie remake. Director said I'm perfect for the part, but studio wants Jeremy Irons to play Humbert. -- Woody (Steve Smith)

1026 B.C.: The Amazons won't deliver my new helmet until next week because I didn't pay for fortnight shipping. It won't matter, whoever the Israelites send out won't get close enough to touch a hair on my head. -- Goliath (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

1-11-67: Recording session was far out, but the uptight suits were a downer. Apparently Middle America isn't ready to hear a man sing " 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy." -- Jimi (Steve Smith)

2/25/*1922: Took a long trip into the forest today in the sleigh. Whose woods they were I did not know. I wrote my name there in his snow. -- Robert Frost (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

2-27-2024: So busy today! Asked Tyler to grab a few things on his way home. -- L. Boebert (Steve Smith)

Long Ago: I always knew my husband was handy with his tools, but wow, Noah's been really banging out that boat! Shouldn't surprise me, though -- after all, 600 is the new 450! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

March 19, 1942: I need to cap my speech with a zinger. "I'll be back" sounds too Austrian. -- Gen. Douglas MacArthur (Sam Mertens)

5/14/1987: Doctor tomorrow, gotta pee in a jar. Also behind on my next commission, so I may be multitasking*. -- Andres Serrano (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

April 4, 1590: That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am! I do not like*. Argh. It's no good. I need to write something a tad weightier. -- William Shakespeare (Leif Picoult)

August 20, 1889: Went for a walk with little Adolf. Such a sweet baby! But once again, such a strange incident: An oddly dressed man pulled something from his pocket, but an identical twin appeared and wrestled him to the ground, shouting, "No, it creates a paradox!" Then they both disappeared. I don't understand why this keeps happening. -- Klara Hitler (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Feb 21, 1582: My wretched brother's family has announced his intentions to visit this fall from October 5 to October 14. There has to be a way to keep this from happening. -- Pope Gregory XIII (Sam Mertens)

From the recovered log of Captain Billy Tyne of the Andrea Gail, Oct. 28, 1991: 44N, 56.4W. Possibly my last entry. Weather has worsened badly. Seas at 30 ft. Wind gusts to 80 kn. I wish there were a term I could use to describe such a perfect storm. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

July 17, 1969: Those two overgrown brats keep whining about who has the middle seat and who gets the window. I swear I'm going to turn this thing around if it gets any worse. -- Michael Collins (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

July 20, 1969: Today's film shoot with the guys in spacesuits wasn't perfect but it'll do. Armstrong flubbed his big line a little; not too noticeable, though. -- Hollywood set designer (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

June 5, 1770: Won my 15th consecutive poker tournament tonight! Surely the name Sandwich will forever be synonymous with "champion." (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va.)

June 1, 1987: Wrote a new single, but it's not my best work. Maybe I should just record over it? Should probably just give it up. -- R. Astley (Duncan Stevens)

June 10, 1994: I was juking my way through Bloomingdale's today when I spotted a nice pair of brown Aris Isotoner gloves. They just barely fit, but they'll do. -- Orenthal (Jeff Hazle)

June 26, 1997: My trainer says I should fight hungry. I think I'll try that against Holyfield. -- Mike Tyson (Sam Mertens)

November 29, 2004: Day 52: Today, I shared my favorite recipe for toilet wine with the girls in Cellblock D. Note to self: Destroy this diary. -- Martha Stewart (Lee Graham)

May 17, 1935, April 10, 1942, April 2, 1949, November 5, 1962, March 9, 1966, January 21, 1975, August 27, 1976, April 13, 1983, August 14, 1986: Dear diary: Today I married the most wonderful man in the world. Our love will endure forever! Zsa Zsa Gabor (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

May 22, 1927: The crowd in Paris took some "souvenirs" from my airplane, including a full beer bottle. I can only hope that they didn't know what was actually in that bottle after a 33-hour flight, and took a healthy swig. -- C. Lindbergh (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

November 18, 1863: I was reading tomorrow's speech to Mary and she thought starting with "87" sounded "too common." Her edit seems way too pretentious to me, but if I don't use it, I'll never hear the end of it. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

2 November, 1914: Cousin Grete told me about a pleasant dream of being transformed into a cuddly bunny and thought it would make a sweet story. I promised I'd consider it. -- F. Kafka (Frank Osen)

October 12, 1960: I was finally able to bang that loose shoe nail into place during the U.N. meeting today. Sheesh, that was really bothering me for a while. -- Nikita (Duncan Stevens)

October 2, Long Ago: I think we've got all the animals on the boat, including Terry and Pat the unicorns. I hope Shem and Ham remembered to do all the gender checks.--N. (Duncan Stevens)

October 7, 1871: Had an amusing time in the barn today. I discovered that Bessie has a ticklish spot, and if you touch it she kicks like the dickens! -- Catherine O'Leary (Sam Mertens)

September 10, 1465: I gotta raise my game. The Turks aren't at all intimidated by "Vlad the Wedgie-Giver." I'll think of something. -- Vlad Tepes (Duncan Stevens)

September 30, 1935: Finally finished my novel. My editor thinks it still needs some tweaks, but fiddle-de-dee, what does he know -- readers are gonna love Chartreuse O'Hara!--M. Mitchell (Duncan Stevens)

Thor Heyerdahl, Kon-Tiki Trial Journal, April 2, 1947, Callao, Peru: Outboard motor now repainted -- blends perfectly with raft under the banana-leaf canopy. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

And Last: Sept 24, 2006: It might be fun to enter this Style Invitational thing in the paper. What the heck--it's not like it's going to take much of my time. --Me (58-time Loser Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

The headline "Make (Up) My Day" is by Stu Segal; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 9: Our Week 61 photo caption contest. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 61: Captions Courageous
Write a description for any of six photos. Plus our winning 'Why Not' questions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 29, 2024

Why is this comic strip here today? Because it represents a new collaboration between The Invitational and the Comics World at Large. This is the first of a series of "dad jokes vs. grandpa jokes" from a recent Invitational contest; Gene instantly grabbed a few to use in his syndicated comic strip, "Barney & Clyde," on which the grandpa joke challenge had been based. This one was by Jon Gearhart. More to follow.

Hello. This is Gene. Happy Leap Day. Are you at work today? Why? Honor the memory of Karl Savage and go home right now.

Our New Contest
For Invitational Week 61: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the pictures below. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in "A. [your caption]." For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol' entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 22 and the results of Week 49 to see what we like in a caption. Don't bother tracking down the source of the original photo; that shouldn't be the point of your caption.

(All photos via Getty Images)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-61. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, March 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 14.

The winner gets a cute plushie dopamine molecule key chain, complete with winsome eyes and a purple baseball cap. This is by far the cuddliest 1 million-scale pleasure-provoking neurotransmitter we have ever fondled. Donated by the truly dope Dave Prevar.

Dopamine key chain
The key to your pleasure: This week's prize, a little dopamine guy as a fob. (giantmicrobes.com)

Inking Outside the Box: 'Why Not' ideas from Week 59
In Invitational Week 59 we saluted "Why Not?," the new, thought-provoking feature by Daniel Pink in The Washington Post (first question: "Why not pay teachers $100,000 a year?"), by inviting some rather more comical Why Nots of your own. A number of the entries suggested things that already exist -- among them divorce showers, frozen food from fine restaurants, and dictionaries to translate your grandkids' vocabularies.

Third runner-up:
Why not put urinal cakes in public stairwells? It's not like it'd encourage anybody to do something they don't do already. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Why not give new car horns a range of honks and beeps that everyone would learn to understand? They could range from "Hi!" to "Um, the light's green" all the way up to "You #%@*ing $@&*!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Joel Golden, Fort Washington, Md.)

First runner-up:
Why not provide the majority and minority whips in Congress with real whips to keep the hardhead rogues in line? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And the winner of the Gumby-on-the-toilet desk set:
Along with Congress's parliamentary rules, why not add a rule from elementary school: No recess till your work is done. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Perish the Thought: Honorable mentions
Why not end the Biden BORDER CATASTROPHE and stock the Rio Grande with great white sharks? -- D.J.T. (Steve Smith)

Why not replace those Gmail-suggested automatic replies like "Great!" and "No thanks!" with more interesting ones, like "Hippos don't eat pickles!" and "That's what yo mama said!"? I would definitely use those more. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Why not design home workout equipment with clothes-hanging hooks, just from the get-go? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Why not make marshmallow Lego blocks to minimize foot pain and maximize snack time? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

In football, why not replace field goal and extra-point kicks with something else? We're already stopping a game of high-energy, maximum-contact blocking, tackling, running, and passing so that some little guy can come out and see how well he can kick a ball while standing still and looking like a ballerina. For variety, why not have the player do something equally unlike the rest of the game, like juggle, or answer a trivia question, or do bird calls? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Instead of creating dedicated bike lanes that take up big chunks of city streets, why not equip cars with bike catchers that would scoop cyclists up and deposit them lightly at the next intersection? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

When Trump refuses to appear in a debate, why not replace him with a wax caricature instead of an empty chair? If the wax melts under the hot lights, even better. (Neil Kurland)

Why doesn't Tucker Carlson find a way to fit his entire head in Vladimir Putin's butt? No point in stopping with the lips, really. (Duncan Stevens)

Why not build a pile of dirt so high that it reaches outer space? That would save the waste of rocket fuel, and you could just drive up to work on the satellites! (Joel Golden)

Why not cover car exteriors with Zectron, the stuff the SuperBall was made of? In a collision, cars would just bounce apart like ping-pong balls in a lottery machine. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Why not design a lightweight portable tabletop tent so that a couple having an affair could dine at a restaurant in privacy? (Jonathan Jensen)

Why not genetically modify vegetables to taste like ice cream? Okra Winfreeze would be very popular with members of Weight Watchers. (Jon Gearhart)

Why not hire orchestra musicians for the Oscar telecast who aren't so darn eager and impatient? Those guys constantly start in while the awardees are still talking! (Duncan Stevens)

Why not increase support for the LGBTQ community by starting a rumor that the Q stands for QAnon? (Gary Crockett)

Why not stay quiet when the lion is sleeping tonight near the village, the peaceful village? I don't imagine it'll be pleased to be awakened by yodeling. (Duncan Stevens)

Why not use DNA to clone the Founding Fathers, who could then tell the Supreme Court what they really had in mind? (Steve Smith)

Why not wire the seats on gym weight machines to deliver a small shock to anyone sitting around longer than it takes to do a slow set -- just enough juice to knock their damn phone out of their hand? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Why not include one extra sock with every pair of socks sold? Save countless hours of laundry day searches! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

To eliminate speeding completely, why not change all speed limits to 300 mph? (Gary Crockett)

Why not do what the Vatican does in selecting a Pope, and lock everyone in Congress inside the Capitol if they can't agree on a budget or Speaker of the House? (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Why not find a strong man who can lift his own weight with just his arms, then put him in an armchair and see if he can fly away! (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Why not lower the minimum wage, so stores and restaurants can reduce prices to the levels in Russia? -- T. Carlson (Steve Smith)

Why not make a new "Mission: Impossible" movie in which the mission is to bring peace to the Middle East? (Tom Cruise always finds a way!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Why not make Congress
Filibuster in haiku?
That should speed things up. (Jon Gearhart)

Why not put Gas-X in cattle feed? (Steve Smith)

Why not put tinfoil linings straight into MAGA ball caps? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Why not replace the music in public bathrooms with soundtrack loops of bodily emissions? No more worries about making embarrassing noises -- relax and join the chorus! (Judy Freed)

Why not require millionaires to drive electric vehicles? Soon there would be rechargers everywhere. Or at least everywhere you'd want to go. (Steve Smith)

Why not rewrite Genesis without the Tree of Knowledge? Then everyone could walk around naked, as originally planned, and not give it a second thought. (Beverley Sharp)

Why not use gene editing to create fire-breathing dragons and use them for snow removal? (Gary Crockett)

With those trigger warnings all over social media, why not have trigger warnings on actual guns? (Judy Freed)

The headline "Inking Outside the Box" is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 2: Our Week 60 contest for diary entries for people throughout history. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 60: The Pepys Show
Give us a diary entry from anyone in history. Plus winning clickbait headlines for unexciting news.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 22, 2024

From the famed diary of Samuel Pepys (rhymes with "bleeps"), April 10, 1663, written in shorthand. Please spell out your own entries for Week 60 in actual words. (From the Pepys Library, Magdelene College, Cambridge)

Captain's Log, 14 April, 1912: An uneventful day, which is a good thing on a maiden voyage. I must remember, however, to tell the stewards that the passengers want more ice. (Russell Beland)

June 20, '76: Working on draft of document for TJ. I've articulated two unalienable Rights -- Life, and the Pursuit of Happiness -- need a third. Well, it will come to me. -- Sally (Jeff Brechlin)

April 1, 1952: Drunk, spilled a can of paint on a fresh canvas today. Oh well, who'll know? -- Jackson Pollock (Jeff Brechlin)

For Invitational Week 60: Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, at any point in history, as in the examples above from a 2009 Invitational (full results here). Don't choose a fictional character. Anything over 50 words had better be worth keeping in its own library like the Bibliotheca Pepysiana at Cambridge.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-60. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, March 2, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 7.

The winner gets something that actually looks a little like a trophy: It's a bendable jointed hand figurine, which served as nothing but fancy packaging for a deck of cards, included in an expensive tutorial in doing card tricks. Fifty-two-time Loser Perry Beider helpfully showed how the hand might be displayed on your mantel, as a centerpiece at the Thanksgiving table, etc.


Take this card and *: This week's first-place trophy of sorts.

Swollen Heads: Clickbait headlines from Week 58
In Invitational Week 58, we asked you to find some actual, anodyne news item and give it a technically accurate but highly misleading clickbait headline. We were delighted to see that many of you turned to small local papers -- so many of them fighting for survival -- to find the articles; we're not suggesting, however, that they try to gain readers exactly this way.

Third runner-up: SCANDINAVIANS URGE YOUNG TEENS TO DISPLAY CURVES
Norwegian researchers say schools should encourage cursive writing through middle school. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: N.Y. FAMILY ENCOURAGES WHIZ IN POOL
Article about a top junior billiards player. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: PAMELA ANDERSON TAKES IT ALL OFF IN SHOCKING DISPLAY OF SKIN
The "Baywatch" actress says she's stopped wearing makeup. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the bacon and egg earrings:
BIDEN SEEN DRINKING ON THE JOB
President drinks the water in East Palestine, Ohio, praises 'Herculean' cleanup after train derailment (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the four above entries is the best?
Third runner-up
15%
Second runner-up
35%
First runner-up
20%
The winner
30%
276 VOTES . 1 DAY REMAINING
If, after voting, you prefer one of the honorables (below) to any of the above, tell us in the Comments.

Stunners-Up: Honorable mentions
KING OF POP ALIVE AND WELL!
Coca-Cola 'confident momentum will continue,' CEO says (Jesse Frankovich)

CHICKEN SICKENS THOUSANDS OF PARISIANS
Many residents don't like the golden rooster ornament atop the new spire at Notre Dame. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

LARGE SUMS OF MONEY FOUND IN HUMAN WASTE
Staggering Rise in Catheter Bills Suggests Medicare Scam (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

BLACK CHILD TO BE GIVEN THE CHAIR
A new Charlie Brown TV special will finally allow Franklin to sit with his friends. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

STORM TROOPERS SEPARATE CRYING BABE FROM MOTHER, DRIVE BOTH INTO BLIZZARD
New Jersey cops helped deliver a baby on the highway during a snowstorm. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

TAYLOR BADLY BEATEN AS HORRIFIED FANS WATCH
Lincoln Park overpowers Taylor High, 79-44 (Jesse Frankovich)

BIZARRE COW SURVIVES WITH HEART IN FOREHEAD
Calf with heart-shaped mark on forehead melts hearts online (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

PRINCE HARRY CAN'T KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF, WOMAN CLAIMS Journalist gripes that he's always holding Meghan's hand (Judy Freed)

WEDDING INTERLOPER INTERRUPTS VOWS, SHACKS UP WITH BRIDE AND GROOM
Hudson Valley newlyweds adopted a cat that wandered into their outdoor wedding. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

WHY CUTTING THE CHEESE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
Raw-milk cheddar was linked to E. coli illnesses in four states. (Jon Gearhart)

AUTHORITIES: OUR TOWN IS FOLLOWING A PATH INTO DARKNESS
Monroe, Mich., will be in the trajectory of April's total solar eclipse. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

DETROIT'S SOLUTION FOR TROUBLED YOUTHS? MORE ARMS.
Tigers sign more pitchers to keep games close in case young hitters slump. (Pam Shermeyer)

D.C. SLASHER STILL NOT FOUND
Federal Reserve Chairman Jay Powell hesitates to cut interest rates (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

FLORIDA MAN STICKS NEEDLE THROUGH TONGUE
Lakeland, Fla., cobbler posts shoe repair videos (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

SENIOR SUCCUMBS AFTER MAKING IT WITH TART
Bill Post, creator of the Pop-Tart, died at age 96. (Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

50-YEAR-OLD MAN TRIES TO LURE CHILDREN TO HIS SPECIALLY BUILT HOME
Actor Christian Bale breaks ground on Southern California foster home project (Frank Osen)

MASS DISAPPEARANCE OF LATCHKEY KIDS!
More parents are making an effort to be home for their kids after school. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

ARLINGTON OFFICIALS PROMOTE MONOPOLY ECONOMY
The city's chamber of commerce is selling a parody board game called Arlingtonopoly. (Kevin Dopart)

NAKED AUSTRALIAN TAKEN INTO CUSTODY IN FLA.
An escaped kangaroo was found hopping around in a Tampa apartment complex. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

BEEFY MAN SHEDS FAT FAST
Oklahoman competes in National Meat Cutting Challenge (Pam Shermeyer)

DIRECTORS SEEK WELL-HUNG STUDS
Ad agencies enjoy working with the Budweiser Clydesdales. (Leif Picoult)

BIG FOOT SPOTTED IN MISSOURI
This teen wears a size 23 shoe. It's stopping him from living a normal life. (Jon Gearhart)

BIG SEWER BLOWOUT IN DELAWARE TOWN
Lewes stitchers to celebrate 100th quilting bee (Jesse Frankovich)

BRAZIL REPORTS STAGGERING RISE IN NEEDLE USE
Japan has sent millions of vaccines to fight dengue fever in Brazil. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

QUEEN'S HOME ATTACKED, DRONES SWARM
Beehives were stolen from an almond orchard. (Leif Picoult)

CITY SET TO RESTRICT MOST RIGHTS
Assembly proposal would ban right-on-red turns in much of downtown Anchorage. (Frank Osen)

COLLEGE STUDENTS HAUNTED BY MURDER
Large flock of crows descends on the Grinnell College campus (Jesse Frankovich)

CABINET MEMBER CONFINED FOR LEAKING
Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin is hospitalized with bladder issue (Jesse Frankovich; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

DRUG DEALERS SPREADING ACROSS MARYLAND
179 cannabis licenses to be awarded by state-run lottery (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

TRUMP-ENDORSED CANDIDATE PROMOTES PUBLIC URINATION
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson denied trans voters bathroom access. (Judy Freed)

FAT WHITE GUYS CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT
Study finds polar bears unlikely to adapt to longer summers (Jesse Frankovich)

GROUP OF WELSHMEN PLOTS TO ATTACK FINLAND
Wales's national soccer team prepares for a Euro 2024 playoff match. (Gregory Koch)

HE GRABBED HER BODY PART AND SHE LIKED IT
Why people enjoy holding hands. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HOCKEY TOURNAMENT ORGANIZER RUNS WILD
The Minnesota Wild's general manager will oversee an upcoming competition. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

HOW TO SHRINK YOUR KIDS
Tips for choosing a reliable therapist for your children. (Jesse Frankovich)

HUNGER-STRICKEN LOCALS RESORT TO EATING ROOTS
Review of an upscale Potomac, Md., restaurant that features ginger in many dishes. (Karen Lambert)

KILLER CLOWN THREATENS TO BURN REPORTERS
SNL's Colin Jost set to host White House Correspondents' Association dinner (Leif Picoult)

KNIFE-WIELDING MAN'S LIFE IS CUT SHORT
Renowned chef David Bouley dies of cardiac arrest at 70. (Pam Shermeyer)

MORE THAN 1,000 SUDDENLY REPORT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
1,180 pothole reports from the public since Sunday, according to the Los Angeles Department of Public Works (Frank Osen)

MURDERER TO GO SCOT-FREE
Cold case closed after 90 years (Frank Osen)

NICOLE KIDMAN ESCAPES MASS SHOOTING
Prior commitments kept the actress away from the 40-celebrity photo shoot for this month's Vogue cover. (Judy Freed)

ONLY 7 OF 16 CHRISTIANS SURVIVE TRIP TO BALTIMORE
Seven students on the Living Grace Christian School team advanced to the finals at a spelling bee in Baltimore. (Tom Witte)

OUTDOOR THREESOME IN FLA. SHOCKS LOCAL MAN
Resident snaps photo of osprey catching three fish at once (Tom Witte)

Seniors cheat death by eating THIS!
Older folks are learning about healthier diets. (Mark Raffman)

THEY WANT MORE KIDS ON DRUGS!
Lifesaving medication is underprescribed, doctors say (Duncan Stevens)

THOUSANDS BLINDED IN THE DMV!
Ad for 3 Day Blinds (William Kennard)

PHOTOS SURFACE OF MINISTERS RUBBING MEN, WOMEN, GIRLS, BOYS
Ash Wednesday services around the world (Jon Gearhart)

CALIF. SHOW MIGHT FEATURE UNION OF GIRL AND RODENT
Disneyland's Cinderella and Mickey Mouse performers may unionize. (Frank Osen)

The headline "Swollen Heads" is by Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 24: Our Week 59 contest for humorous outside-the-box ideas for The Washington Post's new "Why Not" feature. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Russell Beland; Jeff Brechlin; Jeff Brechlin)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Perry Beider)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 59: Why the #$%#$% Not?
The Washington Post is looking for some bold ideas -- let's show it some! Plus: Winning bad ideas for books and movies.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 15, 2024

Instead of all these primaries and debates, with each man insisting he's in perfect shape while the other's a doddering weakling, why not just have Trump and Biden go at it in the boxing ring? Winner gets the White House. One's taller and more of a heavyweight, but doesn't exactly float like a butterfly *

We owe the inspiration for this week's Invitational contest to our former longtime employers (and eventual unemployers) The Washington Post: Its opinions department recently announced a new, yearlong project from contributing columnist Daniel Pink, author of several bestselling books about business success and human behavior. The headline isn't exactly humble: "American imagination needs an adrenaline shot. Here's how I'll deliver it." You can click on the preceding link to read the whole thing, but in a nutshell: Once a month, Pink will post the question "Why Not *"-- with a suggestion to which most people would respond "Whoa" or at least "Hmm." A few examples he offers: Why not pay all schoolteachers at least $100,000 a year? Why not give presents on your birthday, rather than receive them? Why not move Congress to a rotating selection of cities?

From there, he says, he'll studiously weigh the pros and cons, costs and benefits, hugs and kisses, and -- and this is the ultimate goal, we'd think -- invite lots of spirited discussion in the comments thread, sharing links throughout social media, etc. He even invites readers to submit their own provocative ideas.

Ha, you see where we're going. For Invitational Week 59: Send us a humorous Why Not? question, as in the Donald/Joe example above and those below. You could accompany it with a brief pitch (up to seventy-five words or so), as above, or your idea might be so hilarious that just stating it would be enough. Um, no, we won't be judging the ideas by how feasible they are.

Consider these, which we just made up:

Why not have newspapers make their newsprint edible and tasty? You could have different flavors for the different sections, like Nacho Sports and Kombucha Style. There'd finally be a reason for people to pay for the print paper other than to save Grandma's obit.

Why not equip cars with driver's-seat toilets, and drive pantsless? It would save time, avoid "emergencies," give our butts a chance to breathe.

Why not just pass a law requiring that God show Himself, to settle the question once and for all?

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-59. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 29.

The winner gets the Butt Station, an elegant desk set consisting of a tape dispenser/ pen holder in the shape of a Gumby-green humanoid sitting on a toilet. Also, its keister is magnetized to scoop up paper clips from the toilet underneath. If your employer has forced you to slog to the office so that you can attend Zoom meetings with other people in the building, this ensemble makes just the right statement. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.

At least it's tape and not Charmin. This week's prize desk set.

Acadummy Awards: Bad ideas for movies and books from Week 57
In Invitational Week 57 we asked you simply for bad ideas for books or movies -- the title, the casting, the plot, whatever.

Third runner-up:
Proctology: A Scratch-and-Sniff Guide. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
This Is Literally Spinal Tap: A video of Rob Reiner having a lumbar puncture. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Jaws Meets Baby Shark: That ominous dum-dum-dum-dum theme is replaced by . . . (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Horrible Meeting Bingo notepad:
Self-Esteem for Dummies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Jest-Cellar List: Honorable mentions
The Koran: The Graphic Version. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Little Engine That Never Stood a Chance: The Importance of Accurate Self-Evaluation. (Judy Freed)

A Nightmare on Sesame Street. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Judy Freed)

The Big Nothing: An alternate-history novel set in a universe where the Big Bang never happened. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

All the President's Men 2024, starring Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, 80 and 79, as themselves. (Steve Smith)

All the President's Men 2024: Two intrepid Fox News journalists find absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by Trump or his campaign after an exhaustive minutes-long investigation. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Jar Jar Binks Trilogy: The Origin Stories. (Jesse Frankovich)

The audiobook of The Least Frequently Mispronounced Words in the English Language, narrated by Fran Drescher. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

20,000 Really Good Passwords. R9c7wjm2&*@%qR and Y89-@m35Qrsp[% are just some of the highlights! (Duncan Stevens)

A Hundred and Fifty More Shades of Grey. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Huckleberry Fine: Mark Twain's novel is revised to be historically consistent with Texas and Florida school board guidelines, fondly recounting a boy's idyllic, strife-free childhood in the Old South. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

The Significance of Microaggression in Grover Cleveland's Second Term. (Tom Witte)

Citizen Kanye: Reporters scramble to uncover the meaning of anything he says. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Conan the Barber: A documentary about a bodybuilder paying the bills by cutting hair. Many closeups of him admiring his arms in the mirror. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Horton Molests a Who. (Jesse Frankovich)

He scored with his remake of "The Producers" -- now it's Mel Brooks's Silent Movie: The Musical. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Psycho '24 : During the shower scene, Marion Crane does an impromptu promo for Head & Shoulders. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Godfather: After PETA gets involved in this 2024 remake, Jack Woltz finds a live horse sleeping peacefully next to him. (Beverley Sharp)

Old Feller: Two creaky political dogs battle for the presidency in 2024. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

CliffNotes of "The Oxford Textbook of Neurological Surgery." (Judy Freed)

The Hangover: Dry January. Four friends travel to a cabin in Yell County, Arkansas, for a bachelor party featuring jigsaw puzzles and charades. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Translate "Green Eggs and Ham" into Pig Latin: "Atthay am-i-amsay ! Atthay am-i-amsay! Iyay oday otnay ikelay atthay am-i-amsay!" (Kevin Dopart)

Wikipedia, Vol. 1: Aa-Ab (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Budweiser's Wassup the Movie. (Jesse Frankovich)

A pop-up edition of Edwin Abbott Abbott's Flatland. (Jeff Contompasis)

A book on the history of cheese, made entirely of cheese. (Gregory Koch)

The Moosewood Travel Companion Cookbook, featuring eco-conscious roadkill recipes. (Judy Freed)

A collection of all my most amazing daily Wordle results. (Sam Mertens)

Pulp Fiction 2: Instead of a twist contest, Vince and Mia win a cornhole competition (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Very Hung Caterpillar. (Leif Picoult)

Adventures in Eggplant: The Kama Sutra Written in Food Emoji. (Kevin Dopart)

Harry Potter and the Evil, Evil Transgender Activists, by J.K. Rowling. (Duncan Stevens)

"I Am Curious (George)": The lovable monkey has a very problematic relationship with the man in the yellow hat. (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Be an Anti-Racist: A Guide for Florida Teachers. (Mark Raffman)

Grinch 17: How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day. (Duncan Stevens)

Laugh if You Dare: The Funniest Racist Jokes. (Jonathan Jensen)

The Autobiography of ChatGPT. (Steve Smith)

The Dark Side of Mister Rogers: The shocking, never-before-told story of the time he got a parking ticket. (Duncan Stevens)

The Real Housewives of Lake Wobegon. (Perry Beider)

Snot Our Business: Celebrating 100 Years of Kleenex. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline "Acadummy Awards" is by Mary McNamara; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 17: Our Week 58 contest for sensationalist clickbait headlines for mundane news items. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Mary McNamara)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 58: Praise the Lurid!
Give us clickbait headlines for mundane stories. Plus winning 'dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 8, 2024

(Fendi/JW Anderson, from the 2022 Paris Fashion Week)
Above, actual men's sandals displayed in Paris fashion shows. See the winner of Invitational Week 56, below, for a one-word explanation.

New headline: ROCKETS TAKE OUT ACTIVE SHOOTER
Actual story: Houston overcomes 51 points from Russell Westbrook to beat Oklahoma City (Dave Matuskey)

New headline: GOP CONGRESSMAN FOUND DEAD AFTER CALLING FOR PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT
Actual story: Obituary of Lawrence J. Hogan Sr., a House Watergate Committee member who called for Nixon's impeachment in 1974 (Jon Gearhart)

New headline: FORMER TERROR SUSPECTS CONVERGE ON CITY
Actual story: Reunion of Japanese Americans who were interned during World War II (Frank Osen)

For The Invitational Week 58: Find any real news item or ad published online or in print from Feb. 8 through Feb. 18 -- the more boring the better -- and give it a headline with more pizzazz, however irresponsible, as in the examples above from a 2017 Invitational. Also, as above, summarize the real story either in a brief sentence or in the form of a bank headline, or subtitle. ***See the entry form for important further directions*** so we don't bog things down here and can get on to the jokes.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-58. (Note our new domain name for these short links.) As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 22.

The winner gets breakfast on us -- well, on you, specifically hanging from your ears: a pair each of fried-egg and fried-bacon earrings -- mix or match.

And they're 100 percent cholesterol-free! This week's prize.

Artful Codgers: 'Dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes' from Week 56
In Invitational Week 56, inspired by the subversive gramps in Gene's comic strip "Barney & Clyde," we asked you for a typical "dad joke" -- usually a riddle ending with a wholesome pun that Daddy would like to share with the kids -- but also the same riddle answered by edgy Grandpa Ebenezer, who doesn't care what the kids hear, and maybe thinks they could use a little naughtiness and subversiveness in their lives.

Third runner-up:
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
Dad joke: A staircase.
Grandpa joke: A corpse in an elevator. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
Dad joke: And as you can see, they were Wright.
Grandpa joke: And boy, were their arms tired when they hit the sidewalk at the bottom of the Empire State Building. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
How do you make the number 1 disappear?
Dad joke: Add the letter G and it's "Gone."
Grandma joke: Flush the damn toilet! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the "Greatest Farter" T-shirt:
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Dad joke: Philippe Philoppe.
Grandpa joke: Douchebag. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

From Dad to Worse: Honorable mentions
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
Dad: A can't opener.
Grandpa: A lazy proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Dad joke: If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Grandpa joke: I had a pig that lost its voice. Maybe it was because I slaughtered it. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What did the sink tell the toilet?
Dad: You look flushed!
Grandpa: You take too much crap. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jon Gearhart)

What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital?
Dad: I'm cured.
Grandpa: Holy shit! Would you look at this bill? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How do you teach kids about taxes?
Dad: Eat 30 percent of their ice cream.
Grandpa: Make them do your taxes. (Leif Picoult)

What kind of shoes do mice wear?
Dad: Squeakers!
Grandpa: Little tiny ones. What did you expect, clown shoes? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

How does a lawyer say goodbye?
Dad: Sue you later!
Grandpa: With a $50 phone call. (Leif Picoult)

What friends do you always bring to dinner?
Dad: Your taste buds.
Grandpa: The ones you can sucker into paying your bill. (Beverley Sharp)

What do you call a rude cow?
Dad: Beef jerky.
Grandpa: Grandma. (Jon Gearhart)

Why did the coach go to the bank?
Dad: To get his quarterback.
Grandpa: He had to pay a fine for sexual harassment because of his offensive line. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Why should you never date a tennis player?
Dad: Love means nothing to them.
Grandpa: They think a "good match" is when they whack your balls with a racket for two hours. (Mark Raffman)

What falls while never getting hurt?
Dad: Snow.
Grandpa: The woman in the Life Alert commercial. (Chris Doyle)

What did the Yelp review say about the restaurant on the moon?
Dad: Great food, no atmosphere.
Grandpa: The food tasted like it was from Uranus. (Mark Raffman)

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Dad: He couldn't see himself doing it.
Grandpa: He'd already taken the ladies' locker room attendant job. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

What did the cable say to the elevator?
Dad: "We work together on so many levels."
Grandpa: "I love it when you go down on me." (Jon Gearhart)

What goes around the world but never leaves the corner?
Dad: A stamp.
Grandpa: An especially skillful prostitute. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What gets whiter the dirtier it gets?
Dad: A chalkboard.
Grandpa: MAGA. (Kevin Dopart)

What's a dog's favorite part of a house?
Dad: The woof.
Grandpa: Whichever room smells most like someone's crotch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What did one wall say to the other?
Dad: "I'll meet you at the corner."
Grandpa: "Are you as plastered as I am?" (Jon Gearhart)

What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
Dad: A bed.
Grandpa: A Chernobyl resident. (Jon Gearhart)

What has two hands, has a round face, and doesn't get anywhere when it runs?
Dad: A clock.
Grandpa: Chris Christie. (Kevin Dopart)

What has a neck without a head to hold?
Dad: A bottle.
Grandpa: Marie Antoinette. (Chris Doyle)

How do you get a squirrel's attention?
Dad: Act like a nut.
Grandpa: Show it your nuts. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Beverley Sharp)

The headline "Artful Codgers" is by Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 10: Our Week 57 contest for bad ideas for books or movies. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Dave Matuskey; Frank Osen; Jon Gearhart)
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 57: The Ughscars and the Phewlitzers
Give us an idea for a bad book or movie. Plus some STUD-ly winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 1, 2024

Do we have the perfect roles for Tilda and Woody! See this week's Invitational contest below. (Swinton by Manfred Werner (Tsui); Allen via Getty)
Hello. This is The Invitational, in which we perform magnificently and with humor, thanks to the participation and genius of many dozens of funny people, for whose work we shamelessly take full credit.

This week's Invitational: Highly Unrecommended
Book: Merriam Webster's Dictionary, reinterpreted for modern readers in Chaucerian Middle English.

Movie: Barbie, starring Tilda Swinton and, as Ken, Woody Allen.

For Invitational Week 57: Tell us a comically bad idea for a book or movie, as in the examples above. It can involve the plot, the casting, the setting, the format, whatever, as long as it's funny.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-57. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. See the entry form for formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 15.

The winner gets Horrible Meeting Bingo, a nifty fifty-sheet notepad with ten varied grids featuring such checkoffs as "Awkward silence," "Let's circle back," and "Discussion monopolizer strikes again." If only Jeffrey Toobin had had this diversion at that fateful Zoom session.

Not recommended for in-person meetings, but be our guest: This week's prize. (TinyHooray.com)

The STUD Farm: DUSTy neologisms from Week 55
In Invitational Week 55, one of our annual Tour de Fours neologism contests, we honored new 1,000-inkster Duncan Stevens by asking you for new words and phrases that included the letter block DUST, in any permutation -- DSTU, STUD, etc. -- but with no other letters between them.

Third runner-up: WOODSTUCK: Still living in the 1960s. "Coachella, big whoop. Now when I was 23, we were in the mud for three days and it's still under my fingernails." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up: JUST DON'T IT: La-Z-Boy's new slogan. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up: ANTACIDS, TURPENTINE: Alabama's next execution protocol experiment. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Dial-an-Excuse Wheel:
GET YOUR DUST IN A ROW: Make your house look slightly neater. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The DUST Bin: Honorable mentions
PRE-INDUSTRIOUS STAGE: The indefinite period preceding the last thirty minutes of a work deadline. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

ASDUTE: Not astute. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

MAST DURATION: Hang time.
"I can't get no vast elation
'Cause I've got low mast duration
Though I try and I try
My ED makes me cry ..." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) .

DT'S UTI: Karma. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

ASH TEST DUMMIES: What morticians practice cremation on. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

JUSTDEFY: Trump legal strategy: "In matters of compliance, he always asks his counsel to justdefy the law." (Steve Smith; Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

STDU: College where the top fraternity is Phi Beta Clappa. (Jesse Frankovich)

GREASY SKID STUFF: A most unwelcome discovery in one's undies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

BEST DUDE: The groom's bro. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

BICOASTDULL: "So, while we're regrouting our guest bathroom in L.A., we're having some duct work done at our house in the Hamptons..." (Judy Freed)

COITUS DISGUSTUS: "Ugh, it looked like like a mushroom." (Jesse Frankovich)

CRUD ST.: Chicago's Magnificent Mile before the rebrand. (Leif Picoult)

CRUDSTORM: The results of counterproductive crowdsourcing. "We asked people what they'd like to do with your new umbrellas, and, um . . ." (Frank Osen)

CRUDSTUFF: Warning sign that should be required at garage sales. (Frank Osen)

DISSERVICE INDUSTRY: Telemarketers, cable companies, Burger King, etc. (Jesse Frankovich)

DONALD SUTRA: "When you're a star, they let you do it." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

DUD ST.: Leads right to the Blvd. of Broken Dreams. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

DUST BOWEL: A region that's subject to shitstorms. (Frank Osen)

DUSTBASTER: Handheld vacuum that unexpectedly ejects its contents all over your kitchen. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

EXALTED TUSH: J.Lo's back! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

GHOSTDUSTERS: Cremation service that scatters ashes by plane. "Want your wife's cremains to be gone for good, who ya gonna call?" (Jon Gearhart)

GUTSDUMP: Colonoscopy prep. "All right, Mr. Jones, we're all set -- now be sure to do your gutsdump twelve hours before your appointment." (Judy Freed)

JUST D'OH! IT: The tagline for Nike's partnership with the Washington Commanders. (Steve Smith)

REDUSTRIBUTION: "I did clean my room, Mom -- don't you remember how dirty that other side of the desk was?" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

ST. DUDE: Apostle who was Jesus's favorite wingman. (Jon Ketzner)

STDU: An acronym for what I shout every time that damn Aflac commercial comes on. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

STDU: Trump aides' frantic text messages when the boss is rambling about, say, injecting bleach. (Duncan Stevens)

TD SUPER SCORING THING: For legal reasons, this is how we must refer to the big football game that's coming up. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

And Last: FIRST DUNCE: The almost-good-enough Invitational honorable mention that's placed right under the top four. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

The headline "The STUD Farm" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich, Tom Witte, and Neil Kurland all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 3: Our Week 56 contest for "dad jokes" turned into less wholesome "grandpa jokes." Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte; Neil Kurland)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 56: Oh, Grandpa, Stop!
Turn a 'dad joke' into a less tame 'grandpa joke.' Plus 'K is for Kegels' and other alphabet rhymes.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 25, 2024

Hello. The sly figures above are Cynthia Pillsbury and her loving, cynical grandpa, Ebenezer Pillsbury, from the comic strip Barney & Clyde. (The above strip, from 2013, never ran in The Washington Post. It was killed for taste. You're reading it for the first time.) Cynthia is eleven. Ebenezer is old. He loves his granddaughter fiercely, but he doesn't feel a responsibility, as a father would, to be proper and to see that she's proper. In fact, he'd rather be her partner in a little subversiveness.

Hence his humor: Rather than bland, SFW dad jokes, Ebenezer likes to share what we'll call "grandpa jokes," as deemed by Barney & Clyde fan Valerie Holt, who suggested this contest.

For Invitational Week 56: Tell us a "dad joke" -- an old one or your own original -- and turn it into an edgy but not X-rated "grandpa joke."

"Dad jokes" -- Google that and you'll see lists of hundreds -- are usually short, wholesome Q&A riddles that involve a bland pun. Though we're not ruling out a very short joke in some other format, we're thinking of something like this one by Chris Doyle, recast from a similar Invitational contest in 2008 (full results here):

Q. When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Dad joke: Your fingers.
Grandpa joke: Your toes, if the thing that went wrong was you lost your hands.

--

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Trump's chances of getting elected?
50-50
One in five,
Basically zero,
312 VOTES . 2 DAYS REMAINING


Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-56. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. See the entry form for formatting instruction.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 3, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 8.

The winner gets, apropos of this contest, a spacious red T-shirt reading "Greatest Fa-" and here the "TH" is overwritten with "RT" to produce "Greatest Farter." Haha, what a gas. Donated by Ms. Pie Snelson, who is not a father and has never, to this day, farted.


What could be more boastful than a T-shirt emblazoned LOSER? Here we go!
Hey, we'd like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this grotesque orange button:

grotesque orange button

Alphabetical Odor: The edgy couplets of Week 54

In Invitational Week 54, we asked you for adult versions of the "A is for *"/ "B is for*" rhyming couplets of classic primers. Perhaps reflecting the attention span of your less obsessive Loser, we received a disproportionate number of A/B rhymes over the rest of the alphabet. And yes, we are taking some chances here.

Third runner-up:
F is for Fire--there's smoke where it's at.
G's for George Santos, whose pants are on that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
C's for Compliance and following rules.
D's for Don't give a damn. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
A is for Apathy, lack of endeavor.
B is for Bleh, something-something, whatever. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the $100 bill socks:
D's for Depressed: Need a lift in your heart.
E's for ED: Need a lift in your part. (Judy Freed)

Alphabested: Honorable mentions
A is for Ass-talk from Trump's other noise-end.
B is the Blood he claims migrants have poisoned. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

B is for Boebert, she's always on brand.
C, she is Cocksure her job's well in hand. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

C is for Chatbot, like ChatGPT.
D's Dissertation it drafted for me. (Jesse Frankovich)

E's for Extremists, nursing their grudges.
F's for Fifth Circuit; they're known there as judges. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

E is for Elephants, mighty and gray.
F's for the Folks who will ask, "What were they?" (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

F is the Fragrance that wafts through your rooms.
G is for Gastrointestinal fumes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

F is a Florida man who just died.
G is the Gator he took as a bride. (Chris Doyle)

K's for Kill -- grab your gun and be ready to show it.
L's for Life -- pretty clear that you're not really Pro-it. (Judy Freed)

K is for Kegels. Just give a good squeeze.
L is for Leakage. And try not to sneeze. (Judy Freed)

K is for Kicking the back of my seat.
L is for Lopping off both of your feet. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

L is for Lecture: "You're doing it wrong."
M is the Marriage that didn't last long. (Judy Freed)

L's for the Love of a son and his Pap.
M is for Mike Johnson's porn-tracking app. (Judy Freed)

L is for Leech: blood it happily sucks.
M's for Mechanic: "That's nine hundred bucks." (Duncan Stevens)

N's for your Novel, which all agents hate.
O's for Ovation - well, your mom thinks it's great. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

R is for Reddit: Policing by mob.
S is for Substack: You're Nazi? No prob. (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va.)

W is for WaPo, where Losers did flitter.
X is for X-crement, formerly Twitter. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

And Last: I's for the Invite -- I'll write a knee-slapper!
J's for my Joke that winds up in the crapper. (Beverley Sharp)

And Even Laster: A's for AI, which has not won the 'Vite.
B is for Betting that someday it might. (Chris Doyle -- at least it said "Chris Doyle" *)

The headline "Alphabetical Odor" is by Jeff Shirley. Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 27: Our Week 55 contest for new terms containing some permutation of the letter block DUST. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Valery Holt)
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Title: (Jeff Shirley)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
Give us a new word or phrase containing 'DUST' in any order of letters. Plus we bring out our dead of 2023 in verse.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 18, 2024

These lookalikes died in 2023, but one of them did not bomb Cambodia. See Dave Zarrow's tribute to his dad below, among this week's obit poems.

This week's Invitational: The Great DUST-up
It happened so fast that we didn't notice, but in last Week's Invitational, Loser Duncan Stevens gobbled up his 1,000th (and 1,001st) blot of Invite ink. Duncan, who's a lawyer for the FDIC, came to The Invitational in 2012 after people liked the song parodies he wrote for retirements and such at the office; he dipped his feet into the Invite pool for a few inks a year, then suddenly zoomed to the top reaches of the Loser standings, spattering up the Invite with more than a hundred blots every year -- a figure he's easily passed for seven years straight -- and winning the whole contest twenty-six times, most notably with his song parodies, but also every other challenge we've tossed in front of the Loser Community. (Here's a link to "The Style Invitational Runs on Dunc'n," a collection of his first 500.)

The "reward" we give to 1,000-ink Losers is an offer to both choose the next contest and to guest-judge the results. Some among the previous seven have agreed to do the Czar's and Empress's work for them; others have sanely declined. Duncan, you might be stunned to hear, also has a non-Invite life; there are the two kids who've grown from toddlerhood to adolescence with a Loser Daddy, and the distance running and bicyling, and the Ultimate tournaments, and LearnedLeague, and the church choir, and even some stuff he does for the government. So Duncan opted sensibly for just Part 1: to select the contest. It's a perennial -- our twentieth running, each with a different letter block.

For Invitational Week 55: Come up with a new term or multi-word phrase that includes the letter block DUST -- for DUncan STevens, see -- in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces between words are okay). Like these examples. The first two are by Duncan himself, the third is by The Czar:

GO DUTSH: Show up to the date so drunk that you can't manage to pay the bill.

EXODUST: "Yo, Pharaoh, this place is filthy! We're outta here."

ST. DUFUS: He was martyred by kissing a wall socket.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-55. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 1. Please see the entry form for formatting directions.

The winner gets the ever-useful Dial-an-Excuse wheel, which offers five different "reasons" for each of dozens of wrongs. Turn to "Forgot Birthday," say, and choose from Classic, "Later surprise planned"; Mundane, "Preoccupied at work"; Extenuating, "Mercury in retrograde"; Farfetched, "Gift stolen at gunpoint"; and Sob Story, "Childhood birthday trauma." Donated by the inexcusable Steve Smith.

Reader's Die-Jest: Celebrating the ex-folks of 2023
In Week 53 we asked you to commemorate in verse someone who died in 2023. As our obit poems do every year, they salute both the big names on the In Memoriam reel and those who didn't get their moment of fame till their remarkable demise.

Third runner-up: Confectioner Bob Born (1924-2023)
Bob Born would talk about the tricks
He learned producing candy chicks.
But now in his eternal sleep,
He isn't gonna make a Peep.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Actress Gina Lollobrigida (1927-2023)
Gina Lollobrigida
Made erections rigida. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up: Henry Kissinger (1923-2023) and Ray Zarrow (1920-2023)
Henry Kissinger and my Dad both died in '23;
Each of them managed to hang around for at least a century.
In public Dad was sometimes asked if he was Henry the K,
(Or Howard Cosell, but that's a story for a different day,)
Ol' Dad was super friendly, he would always say hello ta ya,
And never in his hundred-plus would he have bombed Cambodia.
(Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

And the winner of the pooping-dog toothpaste dispenser:
Among the dozens of trailblazers within their race, gender, ethnic group, sexual orientation, or religion who died last year:
Hooray for their firsts in pro bowling, car racing,
And tap dancing, sailing, and MBA-chasing,
In riding on horseback and superintending,
In modeling, judging, and perp-apprehending,
In violin playing and movie directing,
In signs-of-volcanic-eruption detecting,
Plus many more fields! And let's hope till we're bursting
That folks of all kinds soon will need no more firsting.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Urnable Mentions
Daredevil Robbie Knievel (1962-2023)
Off-road riding, damned near flying,
Up till lately, death-defying:
Robbie Knievel, Evel's son
Has passed away--his life is done.
Over chasms deep and wide
And rows of vehicles he'd ride.
His closing exploit, final stop:
A three-foot gap, a six-foot drop.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Stockton Rush (1962-2023), CEO of the OceanGate adventure-touring company
Taking tourists to view the Titanic,
Stockton Rush, like his name, sounded manic,
He said, "Safety's a waste!" and dispatched them posthaste,
In small pieces, throughout the Atlantic.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Al Jaffee (1921-2023)
For fifty-five years, the cartoonist Al Jaffee
Drew every Mad magazine back-cover Fold-In.
Determined as always to have the last laugh, he
Now lies in a grave he can LOL and be cold in.
(Chris Doyle)

II. "This casket is too small, and soon the service will begin:
I'm sorry, Mr. Jaffee, but I'll have to fold you in." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

III. The mourners file past with tear in eye,
And one asks, "Al, friend, why'd you have to die?"
Faintly, a voice--the merest of suggestions:
"To get away from all your stupid questions."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Confectioner Bob Born (1924-2023)

In tribute to Bob Born, let's bury a Peep,
Then dig it up after a twenty-year sleep.
The miracle chick will defy natural laws
And be just as edible as it never was.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Doyle Brunson (1933-2023), Hall of Fame poker player
A heart the size of Texas, that is what this legend had;
A club is where he played the game that made him oh so glad.
A spade was used for digging in his cemetery plot--
A diamond is forever, but Doyle, he was not. (Jesse Frankovich)

Emil C. Gotschlich (1935-2023), vaccine creator
Though shots of his vaccines may not delight us,
They beat meningococcal meningitis. (Melissa Balmain)

Miljenko "Mike" Grgich (1923-2023), winemaker
In sleepy Napa Valley, U.S.A.,
Mike Grgich made a tasty Chardonnay.
The vintage opened many people's eyes,
When --sacre bleu! -- in France, it won first prize.
And just like that, to Napa vintners raced,
With local farms and businesses displaced.
Today, on cars and tourists Napa chokes,
With no place left to live for just plain folks.
While over in Sonoma, locals share
Relief that Grgich didn't settle there.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Dick Butkus (1942-2023), Hall of Fame linebacker
Dick Butkus earned a lot of fame
For playing hard and taking aim
At anyone who ever came
Upon him in a football game.
And never felt a bit of shame
For having such a funny name. (Jesse Frankovich)

Theodore Kaczynski (1942-2023), the "Unabomber"
Kaczynski's gone, perhaps to meet his Maker,
Alone--as he preferred. The undertaker
(Perhaps to not invoke his Luddite ire)
Cremated Ted with good old-fashioned fire,
Then packed his dust and fragments up to go,
And sent him off to Texas, and below.
And--not to add a spoiler to this ode--
The box they sent him in did not explode. (David Franks)

Harry Lorayne (1926-2023), magician and memory whiz
His amazing feats of memory would instruct and entertain;
It sure would be ironic to forget Harry Lorayne.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Businessman Charlie Munger (1924-2023):
He spent his life investing
And made a bunch of cash.
He and Buffett crushed the game,
Developed quite a stash.
But those heady days are over,
He has nothing left to learn.
And for once in Charlie's lifetime
He won't get a return.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

W. Jason Morgan, plate tectonics geophysicist (1935-2023)
Dr. Morgan, an underground great,
Closely studied each underground plate
Until meeting his underground fate. (Jesse Frankovich)

Fred la Marmotte (died Feb. 2, 2023), the Punxsutawney Phil of Quebec
Ironic that on Groundhog Day,
Fred la Marmotte drew his last breath
And the only shadow that he saw
Was that of the Angel of Death. (Elliott Shevin)

Alice K. Ladas (1921-2023), co-author of "The G Spot"
Higgledy piggledy,
Alice K. Ladas was
Known for her book that was
Centered around

Touting a spot that is
Nonascertainable.
(Now that she's gone, she's as
Hard to be found.) (Jesse Frankovich)

Douglas Lenat (1950-2023), artificial-intelligence pioneer
He made AI more commonsense,
Then Doug Lenat departed hence
To death's bourn, where, it's said, he lingers
With six or seven extra fingers. (Frank Osen)

Art McNally (1925-2023), NFL Hall of Fame referee
The doctor stood beside the bed:
"There is no pulse. McNally's dead."
"Replay the tape," the nurse replied,
"To verify he really died."
She played the tape back in slo-mo
To watch the patient's fading glow,
Then faced the doc with upheld hands:
"The ruling on the gurney stands." (Rob Cohen)

Yevgeny Prigozhin (1961-2023), mercenary leader who led a rebellion against Russia's president
The death of Prigozhin was shocking and sad;
His days were cut short when he turned against Vlad.
When tangling with tyrants (I firmly opine):
Be careful! You're Putin your life on the line.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Mary Quant (1930-2023), mother of the miniskirt
Mary Quant
Knew what we want:
Skirts so far from maxi,
They make it impossible to gracefully get out of a taxi. (Melissa Balmain)

Pat Robertson (1930-2023)
A leading televangelist and avid Bible thumper.
Just scratch one of his followers -- you're sure to find a Trumper.
At bashing foes and gaining wealth he clearly was adept.
So what was the reaction up in heaven? Jesus wept.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Joseph Smith of Sumner County, Kan. (died Jan. 21, 2023, age 30 or 32 depending on the source)
Joe and dog Lucille went to hunt in his friend's truck,
He put his dog in the back seat with his friend's gun like a schmuck.
The dog stepped on the trigger and shot his owner dead.
The man today would be alive if he'd just used his head.
What's the moral to be learned from this? Well, let me be quite blunt:
If your dog likes "riding shotgun," better let her sit up front.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Unnamed Woman in New Zealand (died May 12, 2023)
The patient was homebound and just out the door
When dropped from a stretcher, face down on the floor.
She fell from a ledge (which was quite a surprise!);
Then hit by the stretcher, which caused her demise.
So always take care when you're out on the town:
An accident might turn your life upside down. (Beverley Sharp)

Embryologist Ian Wilmut (1944-2023)
Sir Ian Wilmut cloned Dolly the sheep
A feat that was truly a dilly.
He's gone now forever, he sleeps the Big Sleep
We will not see his like again ... will we? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Jim Brown (1936-2023), running back;
Fred White (1955-2023), drummer;
Shecky Greene (1926-2023), comedian;
Vida Blue (1949-2023), pitcher
Jim Brown, Fred White, and Shecky Greene, and also Vida Blue?
I do not think that we could bear to lose another hue! (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Reader's Die-Jest" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 20: Our Week 54 contest for edgy alphabet-book couplets. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Duncan Stevens)
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: (Steve "Potomac" Smith)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 54: S Is for Smartass
Presenting the Devil's Alphabet Soup. Plus new humor from old contests.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 11, 2024

The Invitational Week 54
Send us couplets of rhyming lines from any two consecutive (contiguous) pages of a wickedly seditious and cynical children's alphabet book, as in these two from a long-ago Invite:

K is for Klingon. What's that? You have met one?
L is for Life. I suggest that you get one. (Robert Schechter)

And :

G is for God-given rights, like big rifles.
H is for Health care and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain)

This the first time doing this contest that our judging is not constrained by the sometimes puritanical Washington Post rules of decorum, so have your way with it. We're judging each couplet independently -- themed lines covering a run of more than two letters won't get ink.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-54. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 25. While we'll run the results as two-line poems, please submit each couplet as one long line, and we'll break them up appropriately.

The winner gets two hundred dollars! In the form of a pair of socks, each of which is imprinted with a very large and elastic $100 bill. Show to the world that you know how to stretch a buck. Donated by Father Prize himself, Loser Dave Prevar.


Political wonks would call this walking-around money. This week's prize. (SockySock.com)

Deja Two: Another go at 25 contests from '23
In Week 52, in the second week of our annual retrospective, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational's contests from the second half of 2023, including limericks, song parodies, "life lessons," photo captions, and our stock in trade, new words.

Third runner-up:
From Week 39: Pair a line from a Bob Dylan song with your own rhyming line:
"Arise, arise," he cried so loud in a voice without restraint,
And folks hissed, "Shh, this is the quiet car! We'll issue a complaint!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 35, Muldoons, which are quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and at least one rhyme:
I'd walk my dog in Central Park, I'd watch him pee and poop,
Then with my hand into a bag, his excrement I'd scoop.
But now my legs are weak, my sight is poor at ninety-three.
I wish to hell I'd trained my dog to do the same for me. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 50, the news events of 2024:
Stingier than ever, airlines now require passengers to bring food to serve to the flight attendants. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the Dull Men's Club Calendar:
Predicted news events of 2024:
Prince Andrew joins the Artist Formerly Known as Prince in being formerly known as Prince. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Re-ruins: Honorable mentions
Week 26, compare any two items on a random list:
Handel's Messiah: A tribute to the Son of God. A silent fart: Attribute to your son or dog. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 27, how businesses might pander to Trump's base:
Hallmark would market "Happy January 6" cards. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Texas Rangers would hold a Bring Your Gun to the Game day. (Steve Smith)

The famous pumpkin brand would make its slogan "We're Libby's. Own Us!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Hamilton would tour with a historically accurate cast. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Week 28, poems featuring words from the 2023 National Spelling Bee:
Chutzpah: nerve or temerity
"I'd like to see your manager," the woman said to me.
"The service here is terrible. I'm sure he will agree."
Replied I, "Ma'am, your chutzpah's entertaining -- I'm verklempt.
But this is still my courtroom, and I find you in contempt." (Mark Raffman)

Omphaloskepsis: navel-gazing:
Ommity-bommity,
Friend, have you gleaned any
Truths 'bout existence, or
Even a hint,

Eyeing your navel so
Omphaloskeptically?"
"Actually, bud, I'm just
Hunting for lint." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sabulous; sandy or gritty
They'd set out when the day was hot;
The beach had been the perfect spot!
He told her she looked sabulous;
She thought that he said "fabulous."
"No, no," he said, "that's not the case!"
She kicked some sand right in his face. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

To querken is to choke real hard
Even through the tears.
The Washington Commanders have
Been querkening for years. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Tolsester, a fee paid to a feudal lord for a license to brew ale):
Disbursed the funds to ply my trade;
Brewed Miller Lite all year.
My tolsester was just repaid!
The reason wasn't clear.
When I asked why: "That stuff you made?
Good Lord! You call that beer?" (Duncan Stevens)

Week 29, short sentences that include all 26 letters:
Balmy antivax dingwad quack RFK Jr. for prez? No shot. (Duncan Stevens)

Tonight I knew maybe every one of the Jeopardy! quiz answers; the questions, not exactly. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Week 31, neologisms formed from seven-letter "racks" in the ScrabbleGrams anagram game:
EGIMOST > OMGIEST: Most amazing. "That was the OMGiest thing I ever saw." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

AEUKLPM > PALM UKE: Euphemism for an instrument that's played enthusiastically by teenage boys. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

ADEIMTY > YADTIME: Outdoor party in Boston. (Rob Cohen)

ADEIMTY > YAMTIDE: The holiday one month before Yuletide. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 32, limericks featuring words beginning with "ho-":
If the tortoise had challenged the hare
To race home, that would not have been fair
'Cause that would just be
One big shell game, you see,
'Cause the tortoise is already there. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Our trip to the Netherlands cost
So much that I drank till I lost
All feelings of woe.
Egged on by my bro,
I spent all of my Holland days sauced. (Jon Gearhart)

Week 33: Ask Backwards: We give the "answers"; you tell us the questions.
A. Donald Trump, PhD.
Q. Which American most resents sharing a name with someone else? (Jeff Contompasis)

A. Arguably, they're the same.
Q. If I want to show my commitment level, do I go "all in" or "all out"? (Jeff Contompasis)

Week 34, compare two people who share a birthday.
Sonja Henie (April 8, 1912) vs. Claudine Gay (April 8, 1970):
One knew how to skate on thin ice. (Steve Smith)

Shaquille O'Neal (March 6, 1972) and Michelangelo (March 6, 1475):
Towering figures in their fields, they both did great work in the paint. (Pam Shermeyer)

Babe Ruth (Feb. 6, 1895) and Zsa Zsa Gabor (Feb. 6, 1917):
For his homers, they dubbed him the Sultan of Swat;
Seven hundred fourteen was the number he hit.
Ms. Gabor had big numbers for tying the knot,
Though her tally of husbands was lower -- a bit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Week 35, Muldoons, quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and a rhyme:
Said Cyrano of Bergerac,
"This nose, so big -- I understand."
Said fair Roxane, replying back:
"Who cares? I'm looking at your hand." (Mark Raffman)

It has P, E, N, I, and S.
It's shaped like Chile. What's your guess?
I doubt there's one as stiff as mine--
Of course I'm speaking of the SPINE. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Week 37, "backronyms":
BOEBERT: Beetlejuice Offers Excellent Boyfriend-Erotic-Rubbing Time (Duncan Stevens)

Week 38: Chiasmus, phrases paired with their inversion, including spoonerisms:
Trump: "Hunter is a criminal who should be prosecuted."
Also Trump: "Prosecutors are criminals who should be hunted." (Mark Raffman)

"Have you emptied our trash cans yet?" "Done that bin there." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 39: Dylan "tailgaters," a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then paired with your own rhyming line:
I paid fifteen million dollars, twelve hundred and seventy-two cents
'Cause buying Supreme Court justices is quite a large expense. (Karen Lambert)

Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed:
You're hardly the first sick creep to watch me while I peed. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Week 40, song lyrics about the news:
Ballad of a Straw Man
To "If I Only Had a Brain"
Pay no heed to those indictments, those frivolous incitements,
In time they'll leave no stain!
Prosecutors whipped grand juries into anti-MAGA furies
Just to mess with my campaign.

Paid no porn star to keep quiet--did not incite a riot --
Keep docs? Oh, that's inane!
Lefties spread disinformation, tales of vote manipulation,
Just to mess with my campaign.

A smear to interfere with votes in '24:
"Make him someone that his base will not adore!"
With every count they love me more!

You can trust me, sure as shootin': the people prosecutin'
Are on a gravy train.
What those meanies, every one, did, that's because they're Soros-funded,
Out to mess with my campaign. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 41, neologisms "discovered" in a random word-find grid:
Phod: Vietnamese wabbit soup. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Lossie: Memory-impaired dog who keeps forgetting where Timmy went. (Jeff Contompasis)

Week 43, "Life lessons" to be learned from some milieu:
From reality TV: To rough it in the wilderness, take only the bare essentials: fire starter, pot, machete, and an array of makeup. (Pam Shermeyer)

From your parents: Always keep your banking password in a safe place, like your purse or wallet. (Steve Smith)

Week 46, "air quotes":
2"46"8, who do we appreciate?: A chant never heard at Trump rallies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A"cad"emic: A handsy professor. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Th"eat"er: "Acting was my life, but I found I needed to do more." (Frank Osen)

Donal"D J. T"rump: So narcissistic, even his name says his name. (Judy Freed)

I"ow"a: Location of Ron DeSantis campaign headquarters on Jan. 16. (Mark Raffman)

Back"woo"dsy: Comin' a-courtin' with a fresh rabbit and a bouquet of honeysuckle. (Pam Shermeyer)

S"mother": Being a helicopter mom. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Se"rv"ant: A SCOTUS justice who dutifully does the bidding of his patrons. (Chris Doyle)

Te"tan"us: So I stepped on a pop-top at Margaritaville Beach. What could go wrong? (Neil Kurland)

N"ew"s: A photojournalism story on Dr. Pimple Popper. (Jeff Hazle)

Week 47, compare two people who share some element of their names:
Alex Haley and Nikki Haley: Each is known for fictionalized accounts of slavery. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Bruce Jenner vs. Caitlyn Jenner: In addition to having the same parents, both had exactly the same circulatory and digestive systems. (Howard Walderman)

Week 48, bad news rewritten to sound like good news:
Original: The planet might have entered the age of 'global boiling' in 2023
Spun: Global warming may be a thing of the past (Jeff Contompasis)

O: Alaska Airlines Grounds Fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 Jets After Midair 'Incident'
S: Alaska Airlines to Dramatically Reduce Carbon Emissions (Karen Lambert)

O: Trump's criminality, his authoritarianism, and his malignant narcissism and psychopathy inextricably intertwine.
S: Trump may not be unraveling after all. (Judy Freed)

O: Nearly 700 Books Banned in Orange County, Florida
S: Orlando Libraries Dramatically Expand Shelf Capacity (Frank Osen)

Week 49, caption any of seven pictures:


Picasso's "Black Period" was better left forgotten. (Leif Picoult)

Week 50, news items from the coming year:
To make himself hipper, King Charles III rebrands as KC3. (Leif Picoult)

The Supreme Court rules 6-3 to reverse the Colorado decision barring Donald Trump from the ballot. Writing for the majority, Justice Thomas declares in full: "Because we said so, that's why." (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Joe Biden is impeached for not having any of the evidence that House Republicans need in order to impeach him. (Duncan Stevens)

The D.C. area Metro system announces that, due to budget cutbacks, the Purple Line will be merely a pale lavender. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Air quotes: The Gene "Poo"l: Not the usual crap. It's better crap. (Neil Kurland)

The headline "Deja Two" is by Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 13: Our Week 53 contest for humorous poems about people who died in 2023. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Melissa Balmain; Robert Schechter)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Roy Ashley)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

Invitational Week 53: Dead Letters, our annual obit poem contest
Write a funny verse about someone who died in 2023. Plus a Kook's Tour of new material from lots of previous contests.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 4, 2024

In memory of the creator of both Mad Fold-Ins and "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions."

You ask Al Jaffee if he is dead.
He yells "NO!" all testy and curt --
"I'm just in bed! A flower bed!
It's comfy here, under the dirt."

--

For Invitational Week 53: Write a witty rhyming poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2023. Here's a list of eighty notable ex-beings that might help you, but you can Google "deaths 2023" and do your own research; winners of the Darwin Awards have inspired numerous Invite tributes over the years. And you should also check out the obit poems that got ink a year ago in our first Invite contest on Substack.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-53. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 18.

The winner gets -- as befitting this solemn exercise -- this dog-hindquarters-motif toothpaste dispenser; just push it over an open tube of toothpaste and squeeze it out the butt.


It's especially effective on the canine teeth. This week's prize. (Temu.com)
--

Back in the Pool: Another go at 24 contests from '23
In Week 51, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational's contests from the first half of 2023, everything from one-liners to neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies.

Third runner-up: From Week 16, "breed" two racehorse names and name the "foal":
Eastbound x There Be Dragons = Westbound! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Second runner-up: From Week 6, captions for any of seven varied pictures:


Sheila stepped up her search for the elusive purple peephole eater. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up: From Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie:
DIRTY DANCING > DANG! GRANNY CAN GRIND IT!: Baby's bubbe enrolls in hora lessons at the retirement home, and is an instant hit! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the 2024 calendar Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places:
From Week 10, to enter any contest from 1993:
Divide the world into two types of people:
Bold, iconoclastic freethinkers, and
People who play "adieu" as their first Wordle word.
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase Md.)

Rediddly-squat: Honorable mentions
From Week 1, poems about people who died in 2022

Robert J. Vlasic (1926-2022)
As a connoisseur of things preserved
For people that his business served
Mr. Vlasic would no doubt be tickled
To know if his remains were pickled.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

David Riston (1972-2022), snake collector:
A house that's full of pets is nice,
But full of snakes? He paid the price.
He wouldn't settle for a score;
He bought one hundred twenty-four.
He then sequestered every snake,
But all it took was one mistake.
They finally found him -- poisoned. (Gasp!)
And was he dead? You bet your asp.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

From Week 4, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from an article or ad, then follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
Real sentence: A: The city prohibits begging in that area under an ordinance from 2010.
Q: Why were Capitol Police officers called to the House floor during Kevin McCarthy's run for Speaker? (Judy Freed)

A: The llamas were dressed in a reindeer theme with antler headbands, glittery halters with tinkling bells and poinsettia-adorned wreaths.
Q: Mr. Santos, did you have pets when you lived in Brazil? (Judy Freed)

A: "We still had a lot of fun. It's not like it ruined the day."
Q: "Mr. Trump, sir, do you regret the violence that followed your January 6th speech?" (Judy Freed)

Week 5, a "circle of hell" and a punishment to fit the crime
For people who use "funny" names at Starbucks: "There's a Get Out of Hell ticket here for Mr. Jack Meehauf. Sorry, that's obviously a fake name. Next!" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

People who put pineapple on their pizzas will reside in a circle of Hell where George Will is eternally explaining that the pineapple (from neither a pine tree nor an apple) is not a product of European colonization and oppression, but is actually, somewhat counterintuitively but also quite clearly, an outgrowth of mid-19th-century socialist proposals to reorganize European colonialist economic systems. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Week 8, "pokes," old jokes told as rhyming poems
"You're saying the bank's turned me down for a loan?"
The stunned tightrope walker let loose a deep groan.
The banker's explanation was barely comprehended:
"When your balance is outstanding, credit cannot be extended." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

When she said she was leaving him, he tried to smile.
He asked her why, and she said that she'd been told
That he was twice convicted as a pedophile.
Said he, "That's a mighty big word for a twelve-year-old."
(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

The thing that's best about the Swiss?
I can't be sure, but maybe this:
Their flag? And if it isn't thus,
It's still at least a great big plus.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Fella calls his wife late one Sunday eve.
"Sorry, honey, I'm staying with my old friend Steve."
"No problem," she coos, "it's perfectly all right" --
And then says to her lover as he pushes in tight,
"My husband is staying at your house tonight."
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A man with a frog at a bar
Made a claim that was rather bizarre.
He said, "Not to sound classless or shady,
But my trained frog can please any lady."

He turned to a lass on his left,
Said his frog, as a lover, was deft.
She guffawed and said, "Ha. Fat chance."
He replied, "No, he's good at romance."

She then saucily told him to prove it,
And unbuttoned her skirt to remove it.
She lay down on the wooden bar counter
And waited for Froggie to mount her.

The frog did nothing but croak.
He made nary an effort to poke.
The man told the frog, "Do your thing.
Have a fun romp, an amorous fling.
Get up there and do as you may --
She's waiting for your big display."

But the frog continued to loll,
And the man, with a measure of gall,
Said, "Miss, he forgot how to score.
Would you mind if I show him once more?"
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie
Top Gun > Go Up on Pot: A Navy jet pilot feels the need -- the need for weed. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The Shining > The Insight: A movie star realizes he may have been overacting, just a little. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Animal House > A House Minus Assholes: Congress adjourns and leaves town for the holidays. (Mark Raffman)

Aladdin > Did Anal: An adult film of a lad in a lad. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York > Lost in New York! Lost in the West! Lost All! No Term 2! Now, the Law! Trump ruminates as he watches TV. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Week 10, enter any contest from our first year, 1993
Finish this joke: A nun, a rabbi and an atheist are taking a tour of the White House * and Trump is there to greet them.
He says to the nun, "How come your outfit hides your gams?"
He says to the rabbi, "What's with the funny hat?"
And he says to the atheist, "Why don't you believe in me?" (Leif Picoult)

Divide the world into two types of people:
Women who keep their big fat mouths shut, and
Women who aren't my type. - D.J.T. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Rename the Washington Redskins: The Virginia Commanders (Jeff Contompasis)

Ideas for statues: A one-foot Donald Trump statue labeled "World's Tallest Statue." (Leif Picoult)

Modernize an old quote or expression: I coulda been a contender. I coulda * had a participation trophy! (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Modernize an old quote or expression: I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man * wearing Crocs. (Lee Graham)

Week 11, a picture made by the Dall-E AI tool


The Darth Side of the Moon (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 12, Mess With Our Heads: "Bank headlines" that reinterpret real headlines
Real headline: 9 Predictions for how we'll eat in 2024
Bank head: Top forecast: chewing, then swallowing (Karen Lambert)

Week 14, make up new words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game
PADINOT > Opinata: A thin-skinned pundit who falls apart as soon as critics take a crack at him. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

PILNORU > Pro Rip: Competition category in the World Flatulence Invitational (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

LCEMOPT > Loptop: A guillotine. (Neil Kurland)

Week 15, snappy answers to stupid questions
Q: Sir, have you been drinking?
A: Yes, but I didn't inhale. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Q. Is that your baby?
A. No, it's my mom. She had a time travel mishap. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 16, "breed" two listed racehorses and name the foal to refer to both names
Fleet Feet x Point Proven = P.D.Q.E.D. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Chris Doyle)

Auguste Rodin x Low Expectations = The Gates of Heck (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Justice Department x Miracle Worker = Felon Keller (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Ready Shakespeare x Litigate = Exit, Sued by Bear (Jonathan Paul)

Top Recruit x Escalation = Hire and Higher (Eric Nelkin)

Blocked x Alternate Reality = Milk of Amnesia (Judy Freed)

Hit Show x Infinite Series = Magnum, Pi (Jesse Frankovich)

Yellow Brick x Fleet Feet = Auntie Enema (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Ben Franklin x Stormy Entry = 1,300 Benjamins (Mark Raffman)

Week 18, "breed" two inking entries from Week 16 to name a "grandfoal"
The Three Scrooges x Porn to Run = The Three Splooges (Jesse Frankovich)

USS Constipation x Storm Suer = Restraining Ordure (Jeff Contompasis)

Fonzie Scheme x Hanky Panky = Hump the Shark (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Week 19, write song parody lyrics that are "sung" by a certain politician

Donald Trump sings his 2023 Christmas message.
(To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, ring your jingle bell,
While I pray you radicals will rot in hell.
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, sing your happy tunes
While we lose our nation to you lefty loons.
[Bridge] Here we are -- Biden's lazy years,
Crooked, crazy years gone by.
Faithful fans who are dear to me
Will adhere to me or possibly die (of natural causes).
Soon enough, I'll be back in the White House -- doesn't matter how.
And Jack Smith can take his final bullshit bow.
And have yourself a merry fucking Christmas now. (Judy Freed)

I'll Be Trumpier the Second Time Around
To (Love Is Lovelier) "The Second Time Around"
Written and performed by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore


I'll be Trumpier the second time around,
And my enemies I'll run into the ground.
On Election Day there's nothing we won't do,
If the ballot box won't favor us, we'll win it in a coup.
When America returns to being great,
You will love it in my autocratic state.
Who can say what miracles might happen once I'm crowned?
There are those who say
We still have laws in play.
They won't get in my way *
The second time around.

Week 20, clerihews about current events
Senator Josh Hawley
Has strong views on how men should be manly, by gawly--
Though, when a right-wing mob is advancing, this particular man who fears for his butt'll
Ignominiously scuttle. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 24, tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product
You'll love the way we fly: Delta Airlines
You'll love the way we fry: Prison systems of Alabama, Florida, Kentucky, and Tennessee (Kevin Dopart)

Celebrate the Moments of Your Life: General Foods.
Celebrate the Movements of Your Life: Colace Stool Softener. (Chris Doyle)

Week 25, change one or more letters in a word to F
Mofotonous: Like some rap lyrics. (Tom Witte)

And Last: Anagrams for people or institutions:
The letters of THE INVITATIONAL LOSERS
rearrange to HAVE NOSTRILS IN A TOILET (Chris Doyle)

And Even Laster: Bank headlines
Headline: Fun Is Dead
Bank head: 'We made a promise when we killed The Style Invitational, and we've kept it!' Post editors say (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

The headline "Back in the Pool" is by Jon Ketzner; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 6: Our Week 52 contest to enter any of 25 contests from the past half-year.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jon Keetzner)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational, Week 52: Replaying Around -- The 2023 retrospective, Part II
Enter or reenter our Week 26-50. Plus we tell you what happened next year.

PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 28, 2023
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
What will be the saucy title of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce breakup song? See this week's Invitational results below.

The New Contest
* which is a continuation of last week's contest, which we split in two parts onaconna we tend to get milliards and milliards and milliards of good entries from people who feel aggrieved at not getting ink the first time. Please note that "milliards" is not a neologism, but an antiquated British term meaning "billions," which was made famous by the poet and polymath Piet Hein, in this existential ditty:

Nature, it seems, is the popular name
For milliards and milliards and milliards
Of particles playing their infinite game
Of billiards and billiards and billiards.

For Invitational Week 52: Enter any or all of our 2023 Invitational contests from Week 26 through Week 50. You can enter a contest you missed, or reenter a contest with a better idea this time, or even a second shot with an entry that, dagnabit, deserved ink: Sometimes we do have too much good stuff in a given week, and so this ploy has borne fruit occasionally in our end-of-year retrospectives. (Click on the contest from two weeks later to see the results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to bit.ly/inv-form-52, NOT THE FORMS FROM THOSE WEEKS! Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 26: Compare or otherwise link any two items on the random list provided.
Week 27: How certain businesses might pander to Trump's faithful supporters.
Week 28: Write a short poem, or tell a riddle-style joke, featuring a word from this year's National Spelling Bee.
Week 29: Write a funny sentence that includes all 26 letters.
Week 30: Come up with a stupid online poll for a general-interest news site.
Week 31: Make up a new word by scrambling one of the seven-letter "racks" from that week's ScrabbleGrams word game.
Week 32: Write a limerick prominently featuring a word or name beginning with "ho-."
Week 33: Ask Backwards: We give the "answers"; you tell us the questions.
Week 34: Compare two people who share a birthday.
Week 35: Write a Muldoon, a four-line poem that features at least two body parts and a place name, and at least one rhyme.
Week 36: Offer either a reason to feel compassion for Trump-worshipers or a reason to respect and admire them.
Week 37: Backronyms: Snarkily describe someone or something as an acrostic, i.e., by spelling out its name with the first letters of the words of your description.
Week 38: Chiasmus: Write an original witticism containing a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, including spoonerisms.
Week 39: Dylan "tailgaters": Choose a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then pair it with your own rhyming line.
Week 40: Song lyrics about the news. (Videos also welcome.)
Week 41: "Discover" and define new words by snaking through a word-find grid. Week 42: "Am I the asshole?" situations.
Week 43: "Life lessons" to be learned from any particular milieu, such as the movies, working at the White House, etc.
Week 44: Monorhymes, poems whose lines all rhyme with one another.
Week 45: New items and descriptions for a mail order catalog such as Hammacher Schlemmer.
Week 46: Set off a word-within-a-word in "air quotes" to give a new context to the word, as in "fun"eral.
Week 47: Compare two people who share some element of their names.
Week 48: Humorously rewrite a bad-news sentence or headline to give it positive spin.
Week 49: Caption any of seven pictures we offer. (Results here.)
Week 50: In present tense, say what "happened" sometime in 2024 (see today's results).

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-52. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Check this list for a few special directions for specific contests, plus some other secret messages.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 11.

The winner gets the 2024 version of the sublime Dull Men's Club Calendar, which each month celebrates someone with a "unique and quirky passion." Such as Mr. July, "Dustbin Dave" of Norfolk, England, a trash can aficionado. The calendar also marks such notable occasions as International Clothesline Week, and the Rhubarb Festival of Intercourse, Pa. Donated by the anything-but-dull (or -man) Loser Melissa Balmain.

Ms. February Angela Clark in the Dull Men's Club calendar, with some of the 10,000 plastic bags in her collection. Oooh.
Wack to the Future: Our news from 2024
In Week 50, as we do at the end of every year, we asked you to help build a timeline of things that happen next year. Curiously, almost none of the entries dared tell what happens on Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2024, except for a couple that had Trump declaring victory from his prison cell.

Third runner-up: April 15: On the 112th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, the last known iceberg melts into the North Atlantic. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Second runner-up: Texas begins erecting a wall to keep women from escaping. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up: Biden's poll numbers drop further after he turns water into wine, but fails to create bourbon, mead, and non-alcoholic prosecco. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the 2023 pooping-dog ornament:
The NFL announces that next year's Super Bowl will be the halftime entertainment at a Taylor Swift concert. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Oraculls: Honorable mentions
January
Jan. 1: As Disney's copyright expires on the earliest Mickey Mouse images, Mickey immediately stars in anime porn, and Trojan releases a Steamboat Willie line of condoms. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The Supreme Court rules that Trump must be reinstated to the Colorado ballot. In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas writes that he must also be awarded 11,700 extra votes in the general election. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Rudy Giuliani appeals all his convictions to Supreme Court Total Landscaping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

February
Feb. 11: Moments after the 49ers beat the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVIII, Taylor Swift dumps Travis Kelce for Brock Purdy. Soon afterward she releases yet another breakup song, "You've Scored Your Last Time in My End Zone." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Mark Raffman)

Feb. 14: Lent begins this year on Valentine's Day. Millions of those who usually give up chocolate opt instead to give up kale. (Jeff Contompasis)

Elon Musk professes not to understand the furor that erupts after he adopts a swastika logo, explaining, "It's clearly just an X with a semi-serif font." (Frank Osen)

Continuing to insist on his innocence, Trump holds a classified-document sale to raise money for his legal bills. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

March
In a rare show of compromise, Congress passes a law for national year-round standard time by setting clocks back 37 minutes, except in Texas, where clocks will be set back 67 years. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signs an executive order pledging $3.5 billion over four years to find a cure for diversity. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Archaeologists discover an ancient drawing of what appears to be a caveman saving money on insurance. (Jesse Frankovich)

April
April 8: North America experiences a total solar eclipse. Trump rants that it's a Democratic plot to make him go blind. (Pam Shermeyer)

April 8: Tucker Carlson urges eclipse deniers to demand that President Biden resign for using millions of drones to block out the sun. (Rob Cohen)

April 27: Sen. John Fetterman attends the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in a single-breasted wool Louis Vuitton tuxedo jacket, black tie, and cargo shorts. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

April 30: On the anniversary of his death, Adolf Hitler's estate sues Donald Trump for quoting lines from der Fuhrer's speeches without attribution. (Jonathan Jensen)

May
Flagging ticket sales lead the NFL to announce that at least one player from each of the 32 teams will be required to date Taylor Swift. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The U.S. Border Patrol naively waves in a huge wooden burro. (Jesse Frankovich)

After learning he inadvertently shook an undocumented immigrant's hand, Donald Trump gets tested for blood poisoning. (Chris Doyle)

June
After trying mightily to control his lustful urges, House Speaker Mike Johnson gives a sobbing Swaggart-style "I have sinned" speech, announcing that he once ogled Kim Kardashian's ankles. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Elon Musk adds Tesla's Autopilot system to X. Users can now sit back and post venom without speaking or touching their keyboards. (Gary Crockett)

June 30: In the wildest round of conference expansion to date, the eighteen-team Big Ten adds Notre Dame, Australia, and Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)

Vice President Harris takes a Dale Carnegie course, but the company gives up and offers her a full refund. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Chris Doyle)

July
With the GOP nomination locked up, Trump doubles down on his Christian authoritarian theme with the campaign slogan "My Kingdom Come, My Will Be Done." (Kevin Dopart)

Biden's approval rating falls below the inflation rate. (Jesse Frankovich)

Using DNA samples, scientists try but fail to bring back from extinction a specimen of a moderate Republican. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

July 18: In accepting the Republican nomination, Donald Trump pledges to build a wall on the southern border. Later that night, Justin Trudeau makes the same pledge. (Steve Smith)

Trump announces that his running mate will be * himself: "Next time my VP will do as I say because he'll be me." (Leif Picoult)

July 24: Rep. Lauren Boebert wins the cow-milking contest at the Garfield County Fair. (Steve Smith)

Bangor, Maine, officially changes its name to Romance-Her-Gently, Maine. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

As more members of Gen X switch to edibles, a common expression heard at parties is "Don't Cookie Monster those gummies." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

August
Aug. 1: Having trained under the House Budget Committee, Team USA wins the Olympic gold medal in can-kicking. (Jesse Frankovich)

Aug. 5: Jeff Bezos marks his anniversary of buying The Washington Post by signing on Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg as co-owners, freeing the newspaper from financial constraints forevermore. The next week, 80 percent of the staff is laid off. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Republicans expose video of Hunter Biden with eleven items in the 10 Items or Less line. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

September
Regulators are concerned when Tesla's self-driving car begins drag-racing and playing chicken with other self-driving models. (Duncan Stevens)

Sept. 14: Paul Simon, age 83, hosts the premiere of "Saturday Night Live's" 50th season, featuring the surviving members of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players, with 91-year-old Willie Nelson as the musical guest. Baby boomers everywhere applaud and yell, "What'd he say?" (Jon Ketzner)

Spotting a driverless car moving erratically, a state trooper pulls it over and gives it a sobriety test. (Jonathan Jensen)

During Travis and Taylor's wedding, Kanye grabs the mic from the officiant and says, "Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you. I'm-a let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best weddings of all time!" (Leif Picoult)

A senator is caught introducing bills written by ChatGPT when one of them includes a grant to the NEA to be distributed among Art Garfunkel, Art Monk, and the estate of Art Linkletter. (Sam Mertens)

Elon Musk tries to be more relatable to British advertisers by telling them to "bugger off." (Jeff Hazle)

October
A reunion episode of "Friends" is aired with an AI-generated Matthew Perry, but viewers are put off by his seventeen fingers. (Sam Mertens)

House Speaker Mike Johnson legally changes his name to Mike Procreation Stick. (Leif Picoult)

Elon Musk buys the struggling New England Patriots for $44 billion and promptly renames them the Oath Keepers. (Steve Smith)

Right-wing billionaires complain to Fox News about how inflation is so out of control, they can barely afford to buy Supreme Court justices anymore. (Duncan Stevens)

At a torch-lit rally, Donald Trump vows to establish a Thousand-Year Day One. (Frank Osen)

November
When it becomes clear Trump will not be elected, Stephen Miller hops a submarine to South America and disappears into Paraguay. (Frank Osen)

Gov. DeSantis announces plan to combat antisemitism on Florida college campuses by converting all the Jews to Christianity. (Mark Raffman)

House Speaker Mike Johnson is voted out by Republicans who deem him insufficiently conservative. They schedule an AR-15 shooting competition to choose his replacement. (Jonathan Jensen)

December
Merriam-Webster announces that its 2024 Word of the Year is "shitshow." (Mark Raffman)

And Last: Taylor Swift wins the Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Pulitzer, Nobel, Pritzker, Medal of Freedom and NFL MVP, but fails to ink in The Invitational's limerick contest. (Rob Cohen)

And Even Laster: May 8: The Gene Pool is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Pubic Service. (Gary Crockett)

The headline "Wack to the Future" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 30: Our Week 51 contest to enter any of 24 contests from the first half of the year. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Melissa Balmain)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 51: Look Back in Inker -- our 2023 retrospective, Part I
Enter or reenter our Week 1-25 contests. Plus winning picture captions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 21, 2023

A runner-up, by Diana Oertel of San Francisco, in our Week 49 caption contest. See the rest of the winners (and six other pictures) below.

The New Contest
A year ago this week, we announced that The Style Invitational, just axed by The Washington Post in one of its dumbest moves ever, would be getting its name shaved by a word, and would restart, almost without interruption, in The Gene Pool, straight from Week 1518 to Week 1. This week and next we'll look back on the 50 contests we've offered you since then, beginning this past January. And you'll get a chance to enter one or more that you missed, or give them another try.

For Invitational Week 51: Enter any or several of our 2023 Invitational contests from Week 1 through Week 25, except for Week 2 (duh, predictions for 2023).

So much to choose from! (Click on the contest from two weeks later to see the results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to bit.ly/inv-form-51, NOT THE FORMS FROM THOSE WEEKS! Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 1, poems about people who died in 2022 (not 2023)
Week 3, "joint legislation": Wordplay on congressional names.
Week 4, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from an article or ad, then follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
Week 5, a "circle of hell" and a punishment to fit the crime
Week 6, captions for any of seven varied pictures
Week 7, a funny idea for an audacious new artwork
Week 8, "pokes," old jokes told as rhyming poems.
Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie
Week 10, enter any contest from our first year, 1993
Week 11, a picture made by the Dall-E AI tool
Week 12, Mess With Our Heads: "Bank headlines" that reinterpret real headlines
Week 13, what would be worse than a second Trump term
Week 14, make up new words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game
Week 15, snappy answers to stupid questions
Week 16, "breed" two horses nominated for the 2023 Triple Crown races and name the foal to refer cleverly to both parents' names
Week 17, make some funny art using toilet paper and/or tubes and send us a photo
Week 18, "breed" two inking entries from Week 16 to name a "grandfoal"
Week 19, write song parody lyrics that are "sung" by a certain politician
Week 20, four-line poems about current events in the form of a clerihew or "poed."
Week 21, tell how a scene in literature/movies/TV could be made more realistic
Week 22, captions for seven more pictures
Week 23, fake trivia about the weather
Week 24, tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product
Week 25, create a new word by adding F's to an existing word and/or changing letters to F.

(Hey, guess what we'll be running next week!)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-51. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Check this list for a few special directions for specific contests, plus some other secret messages.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 30, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 4.

The winner gets to welcome 2024 with this excellent photo calendar.


When especially pretty nature calls. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Art Jestoration: Captions from Week 49
In Week 49 we once again presented a motley collection of pictures and asked you for captions.


He may have a bird in the hand, but his mind is on the bush. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"Sorry, dear. The bird removal guys said they'd be here sometime between dawn and dusk." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Having already lost his feet, and ready to lose his thumb, Harry wondered what appendage the bird would eat next. (Judy Freed)

Isolde discreetly checks Tristan for plague boils before she agrees to kiss him. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Lancelot and Guinevere were completely unaware of the Pac-Man ghosts coming up from underground to eat them. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)


Second runner-up:
Even cannibal sheep won't eat muttonhead. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

"I asked for a head of GREENS." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

"Technically we're herbivores, but he did consume a lot of weed in his day." (Duncan Stevens, Washington, D.C.)

"Oh, it's a see-Czar salad!" (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"I thought 'Garten salad' was just a typo." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

"Compliments of Ms. Lakshmi." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Eric Shansby's cartoon originally accompanied Gene Weingarten's 2018 Washington Post column "Misadventures of an Adventurous Eater."


From the 2023 Christian Cowan fashion show in Paris; the model ended up crashing into guests in the front row.
The winner of the inflatable antler ring-toss headdress:
Fortunately, Carrie Fisher vetoed George Lucas's original plan for Princess Leia's hairstyle. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Third runner-up:
"Welcome to the second annual Pro Bowlers Association Fashion Week." (Lee Graham)

"Dall-E, draw a woman wearing a ball gown." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

At the paleontology conference, an aide displays an amazing find: the Sphinx's hairball. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

"Omigod, those boots are ridiculous!" (Jonathan Jensen; Jesse Frankovich)

On the planet of Grammaron, it's a big deal when a girl gets her first period. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The California Prunes campaign failed to increase sales. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A bad choice for a charades teammate. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Jane was beginning to regret not waxing her eyebrows. (Leif Picoult)

Leave a comment


"Look, I found a keister egg." (Jesse Frankovich)

Susannah had heard of a snow globe, but not a moon globe. (Duncan Stevens)

After getting her first iPhone, it took little time for Inge to discover online lesbian porn. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Clementine was in for a real surprise when she ordered a cup of Joe. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


Gene meets future Gene. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

(Too many people to credit offered up: "No, you pull MY finger!")


A sworded affair. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

"Mmm, your skirt smells so clean -- do you use wood ash or stale urine in your wash water?" (Pam Shermeyer)

"Hm, I see the entry wound, but no sign of that broken lance tip." (Jeff Contompasis)

"Figuratively! I meant you could figuratively 'kiss my arse'!" (Jeff Rackow)

"Thou wore thy magnetic underpants again, didn't thou, Sir Winslow?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

There's nothing worse than an awkward hug at the end of the knight. (Jesse Frankovich)

Sir Plushbottom and Sir Headley soon realized they'd forgotten their horse costume. (Ed Gordon, Austin, Tex.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Confirmed, Sir Calligan, that sneak attack scared thee shitless." (Sarah Walsh)

In the early days, it was difficult to pants a fellow knight in armor. (Dave Prevar)


First runner-up: When Chia Pets go rogue. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Tim was initially unclear on what being a hedge fund manager entailed. (Duncan Stevens)

Some climate-conscious European towns have replaced the tar-and-feathering of oil industry executives with more eco-friendly sap-and-leaf-molding. (Kevin Dopart)

The New York Giants have been without a mascot since Jolly Green was arrested for trademark infringement. (Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Art Jestoration" is by Chris Doyle.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 23: Our Week 50 "next year in review" contest for events to happen in 2024.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 50: Nextra! Nextra!
Tell us the funny news events of 2024. Plus bad news spun winningly into humor.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 14, 2023
A Breakdown Of Shohei Ohtani's Insane $700 Million Contract
With that $700 million paycheck, look for Shohei Ohtani to do more than just being a star hitter and a star pitcher. The man's gotta do some work in 2024. (bosshunting.com.au)

The Seers' Catalog: Our annual Next Year in Review contest
March 28, 2024: On Opening Day, Shohei Ohtani immediately justifies his unprecedented $700 million contract by pitching a shutout for the L.A. Dodgers while also hitting three home runs, nailing a pitch-perfect "Star-Spangled Banner," and selling a record 243 hot dogs between innings in Section 115.

February: After President Biden slips on a banana peel while walking to the podium for a speech in Portsmouth, N.H., supermarket security footage from that morning surfaces of a woman resembling Vice President Harris furtively purchasing two bunches of Chiquitas.

Not gonna lie -- we're a bit worried about what could happen in 2024. A bit worried as in seriously considering not getting out of bed ever again beginning on the evening of next November 4. But for now, we might as well get the laughs in for The Invitational's annual Year in Preview chronicle.

This week for Invitational Week 50: Tell us as many as twenty-five humorous events that "happen" in 2024 -- as in the examples above by 97-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who's been writing his own Year in Preview calendar each year in his column Culture Schlock, and who inspired the Empress to steal his idea. Write them in present tense.

So how did The Invitational's 2023 predictions fare? Here's a sampling from Week 2 (complete results here):

May 6: Harry and Meghan are allowed to attend King Charles III's coronation, on the condition that they walk behind the royal carriage with brooms and buckets. (Pam Shermeyer) [Only Harry went, sans bucket but shunted to the sidelines]

A new study reveals that 45 percent of the nation's shirkers are now teleshirking. (Jesse Frankovich)

George Santos tearfully reveals he's the secret love child of Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa. (Leif Picoult)

And this got it partially right: Tucker Carlson is fired from Fox as being too "woke" when it is revealed that his testicle-tanning machine is solar-powered, using absolutely no fossil fuels. (John Hutchins)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-50. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. No special formatting directions except our standard plea that you keep each entry on its own line: i.e., don't push Enter anywhere within a single entry.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 28.

The winner gets, as this annus horribilus horribles its way to its end, this Loserly wooden ornament, which we'll sign if you like and won't if you don't.

Out with the old *: This week's first prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Varnishing Acts: The positive spins of Week 48
In Week 48 we asked you to choose any downbeat sentence or headline from that week's news, and rewrite it to make it sound like good news.

Third runner-up:
Original: 2 Stabbings in 2 Days at New York City Schools
Spun version: Students Learn to Settle Arguments Without Guns (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
O: Shopping carts are known to be contaminated with bacteria and viruses.
S: You can boost your immune system while selecting your groceries! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

First runner-up:
O: Body of Male Juvenile Recovered at Pond in Waukee
S: Middle-Aged Police Officer Has the Body of a Teenager (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the deceptively complimentary tape measure (see description in the Week 48 announcement):
O: Candy company Mars uses cocoa harvested by kids as young as 5 in Ghana
S: Mars Inc. recognized for its work with children (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Glossed Under: Honorable mentions
Original: Shark Sends Swimmers Fleeing in Fear at Popular Australian Surf Spot
Spin: 27 Aussie Swimmers Set New Personal Bests in One Day (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

O: Car crashes through wall of Summerlin bank
S: Summerlin bank now open 24 hours (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

O: Police ramp up citations to reduce interstate traffic problems
S: As holidays approach, police are in a giving mood (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

O: Patriots' dismal performance reaches historic lows not seen since the 1930s
S: Pats' season is one for the record books (Frank Osen)

O: People increasingly think it's over [for DeSantis]. It's a dumpster fire.
S: DeSantis gives off a lot of warmth on the campaign trail. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

O: 60 students fall sick due to suspected food poisoning after eating in school mess
S: Here's one way to avoid gaining that 'freshman 15' (Frank Osen)

O: Cheney notes that when she first saw the photo of McCarthy meeting with Trump at Mar-a-Lago on Jan. 28, 2021 * she thought the photograph was a fake, believing "not even Kevin McCarthy could be this craven."
S: Cheney says McCarthy truly exceeded her expectations. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

O: Southeast Texas and Houston face risk of severe storms, tornadoes
S: Texas line-hung laundry to be washed and dried for free (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

O: If convicted, Patel may be required to forfeit property "in the amount of at least $22,221,454.40, which represents the proceeds of the offense"
S: Amit Patel did not steal $23 million, his defense attorney says. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

O (New York Post): Loud fart sound erupts during John Kerry's speech at climate panel
S: Methane emissions are front and center at Dubai conference (Frank Osen)

O: Musk told advertisers who have fled his social media platform X over antisemitic content to "Go fuck yourself."
S: Musk said he hopes his onetime advertisers can find satisfaction elsewhere. (Leif Picoult; Paul Styrene, Olney, Md.; Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

O: Teacher loses it and throws chair after being "disrespected" by students
S: Educator takes novel approach to demonstrating Newton's First Law (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

O: LAPD patrol car crashes into building, hits pedestrian
S: Police are establishing close contact with the community (Frank Osen)

O: Why Are Nonprofit Hospitals Focused More on Dollars Than Patients?
S: Nonprofit Hospitals Go Green (Leif Picoult)

O: Climate change is pushing Earth toward these 5 disastrous scenarios
S; Climate change debate is close to being resolved (Jon Gearhart)

O: Florida is one of the states now reporting "high" levels of respiratory illnesses.
S: Many find Florida in the winter truly breathtaking. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

O: More people are dying in Puerto Rico as its health-care system crumbles
S: Business climate improves for San Juan funeral homes (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

O: Man attacks woman for not paying for his drink
S: Man boldly challenges traditional gender roles in dating (Jonathan Jensen)

O: Buying guns for criminals: Easy, illegal and 'extremely difficult' to stop
S: Gift shopping for that difficult relative? Now it's a snap (Duncan Stevens)

O: Federal failure could lower financial aid for college students
S: Hiring prospects look bright for McDonald's near campus (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

O: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-empty stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline.
S: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-full stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Varnishing Acts" is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 16: Our Week 49 contest for captions to various cartoons, paintings, and photos.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Malcolm Fleschner; Pam Shermeyer; Leif Picoult; Jesse Frankovich; John Hutchins)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

Invitational Week 49: Picture This
A caption contest. Plus comparing Agatha Christie and Chris Christie, and other paired names.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 7, 2023

The first of the pictures in The Invitational's caption contest this week. See six more below.
--

Hello.
Welcome to the Thursday Gene Pool, which, as always, you have been waiting for with bated breath because it contains The Invitational, Week 49, as well as some art from the great Eric Shansby, superstar illustrator for Gene's former column. (If you illegally convert them to NFTs you can sell them for millions.)

For Invitational Week 49: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the pictures below or the one above. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in "A. [your caption]." For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol' entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 6 and the results of Week 22 to see what we like in a caption. Don't bother tracking down the source of the original; that shouldn't be the point of your caption.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-49. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 16, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 21.

The winner gets, just in time to be too late for Christmas, a set of inflatable antlers on which you can play inflatable-ring toss on someone's head. The Empress walked around in one of these at a Loser holiday party, and to be honest, they tended to tip over. Maybe yours will be perkier. Donated, as so many Loser prizes are, by the redoubtable Dave Prevar.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Saming Names: Pairs compared in Invitational Week 47
In Week 47 we asked you to compare any two people who have some common element in their names. Some connections cracked us up not with their pithy wordplay but with their, well, hilariously unfunny but still funny convolution, like this one: "In 2018, A'ja Wilson was drafted first overall by the Las Vegas Aces. On May 20, 2018, in her career debut, Wilson scored fourteen points along with 10 rebounds in a 101-65 loss to the Connecticut Sun. In 1918 President Woodrow Wilson issued his Fourteen Points, a statement of principles for peace to be used in negotiations to end World War I."

Don't worry. It gets better.

Third runner-up: Linda Blair and Linda Lovelace: The first was famous for what came out of her mouth. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up: Clark Clifford served President Johnson. Stephanie Clifford serviced a president's johnson. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: Audrey "Alice Kramden" Meadows and Mark Meadows: Only Audrey knew how to control a fat loudmouth from New York City. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the earrings that look as if a cat is trying to run through your earlobe:

David Cassidy and Cassidy Hutchinson both gained fame and popularity singing on television. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Nope-menclature: Honorable mentions
Adam West: Plays Batman. Kanye West: Plays Batty Man. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Agatha Christie: Who done it? Chris Christie: Done. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Barbara Millicent Roberts vs. Chief Justice John Roberts: Both work with enormous boobs. (Leif Picoult)

Bart Simpson vs. O.J. Simpson: One gets away with murder figuratively. (Leif Picoult)

Both Charlie McCarthy and Kevin McCarthy were puppets, but Charlie wasn't thrown out for scrap. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Chuck Yeager vs. Chuck Norris: Norris can break the sound barrier with his bare hands. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Commander (Joe Biden's dog) and the Washington Commanders: They both bite. (Mark Raffman)

Defensive lineman Aaron Donald and Donald Trump: The first is known for penetrating the offense, the second for penetrating offensively. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Don Juan and Donald Duck both spend a lot of time with no pants on. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Don McLean: Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Donald Trump: Bye, bye, America. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Dread Pirate Roberts would demand absolute loyalty from his crew of miscreants and ne'er-do-wells; John Roberts wishes he could. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Fred Astaire: His feet drove his career. Fred Flintstone: His feet drove his car. (Jesse Frankovich)

George Washington vs. George Santos: One was the first President of the United States and the other was the first Vice President of the United States. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

John Henry and Henry Kissinger: One was a steel-drivin' man, the other was a deal- strivin' man. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

James Taylor: You've got a friend. Taylor Swift: You've got 530 million friends. (Chris Doyle)

Kevin McCarthy and Kevin from Home Alone: The kid from the movie left his house in better shape. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Lauren Bacall famously put her lips together and blew. Lauren Boebert famously used her hand. (Kevin Dopart)

Mean Joe Greene and Marjorie Taylor Greene: One would tear your head off just for spite. The other was a lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Neville Chamberlain: "Peace in our time." Wilt Chamberlain: "20,000 pieces in my time!" (Chris Doyle)

Sandra Day O'Connor: Tolerated a bunch of guys in robes. Sinead O'Connor: Did not. (Duncan Stevens)

Sonny Jurgensen had a good day with a touchdown pass. Sonny Corleone would have had a good day with an E-Z Pass. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)

The difference between Sen. Tommy Tuberville and Tommy "Pinball Wizard" Walker: Tuberville is just dumb. (Kevin Dopart)

Thurston Howell III and Commanders quarterback Sam Howell: Each is stranded in a desolate place with a clueless skipper and a bunch of losers. (Mark Raffman)

And Last: Gene Weingarten and Gene Shalit: The film critic has better hair. (Chris Doyle)

The headline "Saming Names" is by Tom Witte; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 9: Our Week 48 contest to spin a negative sentence or headline into positive-sounding news. Click here for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 48: Well, the Good News Is ...
Put positive spin on a bad-news headline. Plus AN"TIP"ATHY and more winning "air quotes."
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 30, 2023
Sugar-Coating Sin - Our Parent Hood Ph
How's your flair for audacious sugarcoating? Find out in this week's Invitational.

This week's Invitational: Be nice!
Original line from a Washington Post article:
Maine's governor told critics Friday to "kiss my butt" over
his decision not to attend the state NAACP's annual Martin Luther King
Jr. Day celebrations.
The same news with positive spin:
Maine's governor found it in his heart to turn the other cheek. (Dixon Wragg)

Original: Tom DeLay, former U.S. House leader, sentenced to 3 years in prison
Spin: Government again calls DeLay to serve (Roy Ashley)

Oh, we in the news media (ahem, we who used to be in the news media) are always so mean, so cynical, interpreting every action and comment in the worst possible light. Just ask Donald Trump -- so unfair! But we could have ended up with careers in "communications," a.k.a. PR, which requires a different talent, one we'll try to evince today: For Invitational Week 48: Take any sentence (or substantive part of a sentence) or a headline, from an article or ad published in print or online from Nov. 28 through Dec. 9, and make it sound more upbeat (or not so bad), as in the classic examples above from a 2011 Style Invitational. (Complete results here.)

Obviously you need to give us the original quote, followed by your sugarcoated revision, along with a link to the article if it's online, or the name, date, and page number of the publication if it's in print. Don't worry about getting everything on a single line, our usual request.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-48. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 14.

And totally apropos of this contest, the winner receives a truly amazing device that will instantly take inches off your waistline with no dieting, exercise, or even corsetry: It's a shoelace-thin tape measure that arrived last week from China along with a bathroom scale that the Empress ordered. On one side, it's in perfectly normal centimeters. But on the other it's inches -- or "inches." Each "inch" is about 1.3 of the real ones, and so the tape measured the E's waist at a Barbie-like 21. It'll be hard to give this baby up, but we sacrifice for the good of The Invitational. (The bathroom scale, alas, doesn't cheat.)


A mean, disgraceful fake-news tape measure, top, and this week's much more complimentary prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

New Mean'in'gs: The 'air quotes' of Week 46
In Week 46 we asked you to put part of a word or phrase into "air quotes" and then define the word in the context of that highlighted part.

Third runner-up: "MUSK"M"ELON": Fruit that's quickly rotted on the vine. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up: AN"TIP"ATHY: Why no, I do NOT wish to add a 20 percent gratuity -- hellooo, this is a self-service kiosk! (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up: AM"BRO"SIA: Beer. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Word Nerd socks:
THU"MBS"CREW: Saudi peacekeeping tool. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

MUC'HO HUM'OR: Honorable mentions
"FU"NNY: What you call a joke you find amusing and to hell with anyone who is offended by it. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A"POL"OGY: "I'm truly sorry if anyone might have been offended by my innocuous, inadvertent, well-meaning comment that in no way reflects who I am or what I believe." (Karen Lambert)

"NO"TIFY: Don't call us, we'll call you. (Gary Crockett)

C"HARDON"NAY: Something cold that gets me hot. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

NI"TP"ICKING: "Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to put the roll on the right way?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

RO"UGH"ING IT: For many people, camping. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

"AMEN"ITIES: Televangelists' private jets. (Gary Crockett)

"APP"REHENSION: The sudden feeling you've just downloaded malware. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

"BAM"BI: The inspiration behind Emeril Lagasse's venison chili. (Neil Kurland)

"GEORGE-SAN"TOS: "Did I mention that I'm also a sumo champion?" (Neil Kurland)

AMUSE-B"OUCH"E: "They charged me $24 for that little dab of sherbet they brought out after the soup?" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

AN"XI"ETY: Did China just offer to help Russia build a tunnel into Crimea? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

BA"T MI"TZVAH: When you're at the same table as Bubbe at the reception and she won't stop talking about her urinary problems. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

BEN"EDICT"ION: Now go forth in peace, thankful for the Lord's blessings, love one another, serving others with meekness, tenderness, mercy, and humility, AND THAT'S AN ORDER! (Roy Ashley)

LUNCH"EON": For the love of God, please no more speeches! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

DRUN"KEN"NESS: Party time at the Mojo Dojo Casa House! (Karen Lambert)

EX"CELL"ENT: Trump's prospects for 2024 -- Fani Willis (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

F"AU"X: What pyrite is. (Chris Doyle)

F"AI"L: The result when they discover how you "wrote" your term paper. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

SAM H"O""WELL": Another Commanders quarterback, another lost year * (Mark Raffman)

MIKE J"OH"NSON: Okay, now I see how we could do worse than Kevin. (Gary Crockett)

NE"W HAM"PSHIRE: A place that's dealt a knockout blow to many a presidential hopeful. (Jonathan Jensen)

P"OWE"RBALL: Not the best strategy for personal debt reduction. (Judy Freed)

P"UTI"N: Maybe that's why he's so ornery. (Neil Kurland)

P"ARENT"S-TO-BE: A high school couple who seem awfully relieved. (Frank Osen)

SAC"RAMEN"T: A divine rite of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Tokyo Branch. (Kevin Dopart)

SU"BS"IDIES: Important government expenditures for things like coal, private jets, and football stadiums. (Jesse Frankovich)

T"ANGER"INE: An orange-hued complexion associated with fury. (Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart)

T"HER"MOSTAT: "Is it just fifty-year-old me, or does it suddenly feel like an oven in here?" (Karen Lambert)

U"NDE"RWIRE BRA: "To say this thing is killing me is only a slight exaggeration." (Judy Freed)

"MANIC"URE: What nervous nail-biters give themselves. (Frank Osen)

C"HIT"CHAT: Gossip about a contract to make Louie the Fink disappear. (Pam Shermeyer)

"NAP"OLEON: Ridley Scott's new 2 1/2-hour epic snoozefest. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.; Mark Raffman)

And Last: RE"GENE"RATE: To post decades-old columns within live chats to entice new subscribers. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And Even Laster: "AI"R QUOTES: Hopefully, they weren't used in this contest. (Neil Kurland)

And Lastest of All: EX"CREME"NT: The best of the worst. "Rob's entry was the excrement of the honorable mentions." (Rob Cohen)

The headline "New Mean'in'gs" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 2: Our Week 47 contest to compare two people with a shared part of their names. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Dixon Wragg; Roy Ashley)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 47: Oh, for Namesakes!
Compare two people who share part of a name. Plus winning ideas for catalog gift items.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 23, 2023

The difference between Laker Magic Johnson and Speaker Mike Johnson? See below in this week's Invitational contest.
Happy Thanksgiving! So sorry that you don't have any better place to be right now. We'll do our best to entertain you.

This week's Invitational: Har Monikers
The difference between Marie Antoinette and Marie Curie: Marie Curie had a good head on her shoulders. (Peter Metrinko)

Seth Thomas vs. Clarence Thomas: Seth wanted time to move forward. (Jack Cackler)

Cynthia Nixon had sex in the city; Richard Nixon screwed the whole country. (Robert Schechter)

Magic Johnson vs. Mike Johnson: One is famed as a highlight of the Dream Team, the other for highlighting his teen's "dreams."

Here's a contest we haven't done in more than a decade. So many new names to play with! For Week 47: Humorously compare two people who share some element of their names, as in the entries above; the first three are from Invitational contests in 2004 and 2012. The element doesn't have to be spelled exactly the same, but don't make it a stretch.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-47. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 2, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 7.

The last time we did this contest, back in 2004, the prize was a pair of tasseled pasties. This year we're a bit tamer: The winner gets a little bitty pair of earrings that look as if two googly-eyed little bitty black cats have plowed straight through your earlobes.

And you thought it was cool how they could squeeze into boxes. This week's prize. (Temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions. Gene won't be answering them in real time today -- no one is around because everyone is giving thanks to their individual personal deities via eating and excreting too much -- but he will voluminously respond on Tuesday. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

tasteful orange button

Catalogical Humor: The products of Week 45
In Week 45 we asked you to come up with items that were only slightly more ridiculous than the actual content of such catalogs as Hammacher Schlemmer or The Sharper Image.

Third runner-up: The All-Purpose Stick: You can hike with it. You can roast marshmallows on it. You can write in the sand with it. You can use it to fend off muggers. Made of 100 percent wood, this stick does what sticks have always done --whatever you want them to do. $350, shipping included. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Digital-to-Cassette Converter: Looking for a more cumbersome, less durable way to store music? With this converter, you can toggle between fast-forward and rewind to find the start of your favorite songs just the way you did in your dorm room in 1975. Just plug in your phone, select a song or playlist from your library or streaming service -- and it records to a standard cassette (available separately). $229.99. Genuine No. 2 pencil included! (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up: This potato-powered golf cart provides environmentally friendly transport around your senior-living community. It takes just 47,000 average-size potatoes to go 400 yards. $12,500, payable in three installments. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the vintage Style Invitational Whole Fools Grossery Bag:
The E-Twirler Fork. Stick this ingenious utensil into your pasta, press a button on the handle, and voila - the fork spins automatically. Just press the "off" button when your fork is sufficiently loaded. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md. )

The Duller Image: Honorable mentions
Fake-Meat Rotisserie: Why let carnivores have all the fun? Take your turkey-shaped tofu and put it on a proper spit! This handsome stainless-steel marvel will be the showpiece of your indoor or outdoor kitchen. $2,500 complete with cover. (Leif Picoult)

Marino wool slippers: These ultra-comfortable moccasins are made from the soft curly hair of Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino. Choose from black or gray. Quantities limited. (Tom Witte)

Bose Quiet Comfort Noise-Canceling Nail Clippers: Worried that everyone in the office hates you? Keep your disgusting personal grooming habits on the down-low with our industry-leading STFU technology. $199 for toenail clippers, $189 for fingernails, or save with the set for only $349.95. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

The Trash Tracker: Put this single-use GPS in your garbage bag and watch your trash's progress all the way to the landfill with the dedicated app. A fine civic education for all! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Feel a little embarrassed about the noise your leaf blower is making? Our SymphonySweep blower masks the roar by blasting classical music over it. Entertain and enlighten the neighbors with a rousing "1812 Overture" as you round up that maple mess. (Duncan Stevens)

Palm Popcorn Popper: This miniature battery-operated popper fits in the palm of your hand! Conveniently popping five kernels at a time, you can watch a whole movie without ever having to leave your couch to get a snack. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Lint Bank: Finally a safe place to put all the lint you extract from your bellybutton and elsewhere. This lock-tight safe, approved by the American Vault Association, keeps your lint where it should be -- away from thieving hands. $1,250 complete with two keys. (Leif Picoult)

GPS Smart Socks: Tired of losing socks in the dryer? Upgrade your laundry experience with the ultimate hosiery system: Receive precise real-time location updates with the easy-to-use mobile app. $89 per pair. (Jesse Frankovich)

The AutoButterer: Never again tear apart a fresh piece of toast by trying to spread a cold pat of butter across it! This device applies a consistent layer of softened, warmed butter every time. Butter cartridges sold separately, just like printer ink. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

An electronic kazoo. It saves the effort of constant humming. (Duncan Stevens)

A Treasury of Hilarious 19th-Century Catalogues: Ludicrous undergarments. slippers to cure neuropathy, heated back-therapy stones! You won't believe the things those gullible rubes once bought from catalogs. Special prize included with the first 100 books purchased. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

For the ultimate in double-decker enjoyment: A mechanical ice cream cone rotator, so you don't have to lick around the center. $47.95. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Toothbrush bag: Designed with the philosophy to do one thing and do it well, this shoulder sling bag has a single small pouch perfectly sized to hold one manual toothbrush for all your travels. $29.95, three for $74.95. (Sam Mertens)

Eat candy like Van Halen with your own AI-enabled M&M's color sorter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Calgon Autonomous Stroller: Send your colicky bundle of joy on a walk around the neighborhood from the comfort of your own bathtub. $4,995; pictured Chardonnay not included. (Jesse Frankovich)

Driverless Tricycle: When you put your child on a Robo-Trike, you also place them in the highest percentile of kids who'll grow up already prepared to not drive the driverless cars of the future. Each Robo-Trike arrives with a personalized waiver of liability and neck brace. (Frank Osen)

Do you value the coziness and tradition of a warm, woolly cardigan? If so, you'll surely treasure this cardigan emblazoned with the message "I Love Cardigans." (Tom Witte)

125 HP propeller beanie: We've updated this historic headgear with an engine powerful enough to have you aloft in seconds. Why play with drones when you can be one? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Deluxe Nose Hair Braider: Turn a grooming turn-off into a triumphant turn-on. Simply select your desired setting on this rechargeable device -- French braid, Dutch braid, Milkmaid braid, or Micro braid -- and press the "twirl" button. Within seconds, your nostrils will dare to show some flair. $175 with illustrated manual. (Leif Picoult)

Cellulite-Busting Vibrating Toilet Seat: A flawless bottom can be yours -- simply take a seat and let the vibrations do their job while you do your business. Also helpful with irregularity! (Judy Freed)

Is your snotty coffee-gourmet neighbor coming over and all you have is ground java in a bag? Using a patented food-grade glue, The Coffee Ungrinder will make them into "whole beans" --they'll never know. $395 -- free shipping if you order before Dec. 10. (Leif Picoult)

Finger-Shaped Nose Picker. Keep your hands clean and use this unique tool to reach all corners of your nostril. Tiny spring mechanism provides realistic flick action! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

This talking electronic poodle walks around your house and even poops out batteries when it's time to replace them. $195. (Gregory Koch)

Identifart Handheld Gas Analyzer: Never wonder who dealt it again. Great for cars, elevators, and yoga classes. $400 with discreet case. (Jesse Frankovich)

Tall and Slim Foundation Garment: This full-length bodysuit uses a patent-pending system that pushes your gut flab down through your legs and into your feet. Instantly, you are thinner and taller. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Jon Ketzner)

Salute your roots with a "Real Men Love Parsnips" T-shirt. Color choices include parsnip and off-parsnip. (Tom Witte)

Protective House Blanket. Afraid of weather damage to your vacation home while you're away? Simply throw on our exclusive House Blanket to encase your entire home. Please specify Chalet, Villa, or Mansion size. (Rob Cohen)

American Classic Lawn Dart Tips: Don't you wish you could show your grandchildren the real lawn darts, the ones with those THWACKing metal points you enjoyed as a kid? While they've been illegal since 1988, you can give them that same experience with these weighted steel tips. Fit them right onto those little pillowy things they sell today, and voila, it's 1963 again in your back yard. Legal as far as we know, but disclaimer included. (Jon Ketzner)

This non-electric thermite exothermic toaster is perfect for when you want a fresh hot Pop-Tart in the bathtub. (Kevin Dopart)

Solar-powered microwave: Love backpacking but hate beef jerky and trail mix? Now you can enjoy your favorite hot foods without the hassle of building a fire. Runs up to five minutes on four hours of charging. S'mores were never so easy! Shipping weight 20 pounds. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Gas Bibs: Line the opening of your car's gas tank with one of these disposable paper inserts before filling up, and when you're done they'll catch that last drip from the fuel nozzle. Pack of 20; sign up for refills by subscription. (Sam Mertens)

Batteryless remote: Never run out of batteries or get off the couch again when you poke the TV with this really long stick. (Sam Mertens)

Don't look to unsanitary Southeast Asian factories for civet poop coffee. Use beans from all-American Felis catus excreta, made in Manhattan by New York's finest alley cats. 59.95/lb. plus shipping. (Kevin Dopart)

Pencil sharpener sharpener: Sure, you use a sharpener to keep your pencils pointy, but what about when it gets dull? Enter our sharpener sharpener, which will have your sharpener sharpening like new. (Sam Mertens)

TP Maker: Don't recycle those old newspapers, magazine, junk mail, and wallpaper samples -- now you can make your own toilet tissue from scrap paper just lying around your home. This ingenious device will cut those papers into crisp 3-inch squares, perfect for use in the lavatory. Purchase of the TP Maker constitutes an acceptance of all responsibility for its use. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline "Catalogical Humor"is by Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 25: Our Week 46 contest for "air quotes" -- words within other words. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Peter Metrinko; Jack Cackler; Robert Schechter)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 46: "Air" "Quotes"
A new forefinger contest, plus 'monorhyme' poems on Taylor Swift, Hamlet, and more
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 16, 2023

New Contest: 'Air' 'Quotes'
For Invitational Week 46: Take a word, name, or phrase and put a portion of it in "air quotes," then define it in the context of the highlighted part. You can't change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation, and spacing. So you don't send us what we've already published: we do not want to see "'fun'eral" or "Donald T'rump.' "

Example: Satis"fact"ion: When Google proves you are right and your spouse is
wrong. (David Kleinbard)

Another example: h"USB"and: Consider yourself lucky if you get it right on the first try. (Hildy Zampella)

This just in! Within hours after we published this column, Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis compiled a list of the hundreds of air quotes that have gotten ink in earlier Invitationals -- and invited us to share it. Here it is, from "Alas"ka to Z"ucch"ini.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-46. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 25, at 4 p.m. ET. No need to waste your time on Thanksgiving watching football, talking with your visiting relatives, etc., when you can be doing this. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 30.

The winner gets a fine pair of socks labeled "Big Ol' Word Nerd" on the calf, donated by Medium-Size Ol' Word Nerd Dave Prevar. These are men's size; we'll put up the women's-size ones in the future.

Of course, your pants legs will need to be high enough to show off your honorific. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

DING! With his two typically brilliant blots of ink today, Mark Raffman has crossed the 1,000-ink line, ascending from the Invitational Hall of Fame to the Cozy Upstairs Nook of the Hall of Fame. Mark, a longtime corporate lawyer turned just recently to the other side -- as a trial attorney for the Consumer Product Safety Commission -- started Inviting in 2012, earning his first blot of ink for a contest for ways to tick people off:

"When you're on jury duty, bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while saying "Guilty .*.*. not guilty .*.*."

Since then, he's been mopping up ink to the tune of almost 100 entries a year, most famously for song parodies to the tune of "Be Our Guest," on themes from "Porky's" ("See a Chest!") to Obama and Netanyahu ("He's a Pest!") to Trump and the wall ("He's Obsessed") and numerous others. Delve into this collection of his first 500 blots of ink, "Mark: His Words."

Masters of the Uni-verse: The monorhymes of Week 44
In Week 44 we asked you to write a funny poem in monorhyme form -- that all the lines had to have the same rhyme. And the poem had to refer to some published writing -- anything from an ancient Greek play to yesterday's headlines.

Third runner-up:
More Fun News From Greenland (article at CNN.com)
Every last glacier
Seems bound for erasure.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Second runner-up:
War and Peace (abridged):
For a Russian,
Life is crushin'.
End of discussion.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

First runner-up:
"Deer crashes through lingerie store in Michigan"
In Michigan there was a deer
That spooked a lingerie cashier.
Asked why a deer would thus appear,
She said, "I guess the buck shops here."
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of "The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book":
Waiting for Godot
Beckett's play's a bore, I fear,
With Estragon and Vladimir
Discussing topics drab and drear
For hours on end until it's clear
Godot himself will not appear.
So go -- you might enjoy it, dear,
While I stay watching Netflix here.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The End of the Lines: Honorable mentions
The Old Man and the Sea
He pursues an expedition,
Out to sea to do some fishin',
Gets his boat into position,
Then awaits an acquisition.
Is that fish an apparition?
No! An instant recognition
As it bolts in opposition!
After hours of competition
In this battle of attrition,
He attains the beast's submission!
Heading home now his volition,
It's a fin -- an admonition *
Cue the sharks, with repetition,
Bite by bite, a demolition.
It's a savage exhibition,
(In his trousers, micturition?)
Yet the boat makes its transition
To the shore, in sound condition,
And old man sits there wishin'
He'd had better ammunition.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Hamlet in a nutshell:
Ghost: "Go kill your mom's new guy."
Hamlet: "No way, Dad! Must I? Why?"
Ghost: "It's the ol' 'eye for an eye'!"
Hamlet: ("ARGHH! Should I live or die?")
Then Hamlet says with a sigh,
"Okay, I'll give it a try *"
Many acts and scenes go by;
Then finally, dead they all lie.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

"The secret best week for Thanksgiving flights is coming" (The Washington Post) Thanksgiving stresses? Don't despair.
Just take a trip abroad by air.
You're sure to nab a bargain fare.
You won't see tourists everywhere.
And best of all -- no icy glare:
Your MAGA uncle won't be there.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Pygmalion
In G.B. Shaw's dramatic work Pygmalion,
A linguist who's a touch sesquipedalian
Decides to take a poor tatterdemalion
Into his life--for reasons bacchanalian?
He wanted folks who play the ukulele in?
No, no, the reason he brings in this alien,
The basis for the grind she suffers daily in:
He wants to make her sound Episcopalian,
Like someone who would have PM Disraeli in.
Bad ending, though--she leaves*for parts Australian?
You'll want to bash Shaw's head with a shillelagh in.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

'Trump and allies plot revenge, Justice Department control in a second term' (The Washington Post)
Trump (whose hands are lilliputian)
Wants to shred the Constitution,
Starting with a new solution
To his so-called persecution:
"I will be your retribution."
(Chris Doyle)

Jack and Jill
To renew their H2O supply
They climbed a path, I know not why.
Hydrology must be awry,
Since wells don't work when they're up high.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Lysistrata
Greek women, led by Lysistrata:
"Guys, stop this fighting, now! You gotta!
Until you cease these wars, there's not a
Chance your bedmates will allot a
Place for you, come hell, high wata!
You're persons very much non grata!"

In time (there followed some errata)
The men complied and stopped the slaughta.
Each lass and her inamorata
Went forth and banged like a pinata. (Duncan Stevens)

The Handmaid's Tale
Women's wombs controlled post-coup
By all the guys in charge, that's who,
To sum the Gilead worldview:
It's Speaker Johnson's dream come true. (Kevin Dopart)

Pap on Tap -- "Amouranth Launches 'Vaginal Yeast' Beer" (Philadelphia Weekly) When it's time for a Pap and the doc takes a smear,
You can have those bacteria turned into beer!
A yoni yeast beverage? There's nothing to fear --
And such a profound flavor profile, I hear.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"It's Taylor Swift's world and we're just living in it" (Axios)
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor!
Seems that nothing can derail her.
Every time the charts unveil her
Album sales, all others trail her.
Though the jealous trolls assail her,
Say her sound has gotten staler,
Far more fans adore and mail her;
Music critics widely hail her.
Locks of blonde and skin that's paler,
Scores of suitors doomed to fail her;
Still, they hope to someday nail her.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Kama Sutra (ancient Hindu text)
For students of erotic bliss, consider this important factor:
Interesting and new positions might initially attract 'er.
You will reach new heights of passion. But as soon as you have sacked 'er,
Both of you will need assistance from a skillful chiropractor. (Judy Freed)

Othello
"Desdemona seems truly demure,
But she's smitten by Cassio's allure,"
Says Iago, a boor,
To Othello, who's sure
To react. In the end, there's no Moor. (Chris Doyle)

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump
For the terms of a deal, I intuit
Where the cash is, and how to accrue it.
Some resistance? I push my way through it!
(Also, fraud isn't fraud when I do it.) (Mark Raffman)

Jane Eyre
A gothic novel: Miss Jane Eyre!
This pious lass, oft found in prayer
While serving as a poor au pair,
Meets Eddie Roch, a grumpy bear,
And falls for him--but what despair
To learn that, in an attic lair,
He's stashed a wife -- a weird affair!
A fire! Wife's cooked medium rare,
While Jane, she turns her derriere
And runs away (she knows not where)
But then returns, finds disrepair.
Jane, taking Ed into her care:
"Reader, I married him!" So there.
(Duncan Stevens)

'What You Need to Know About the New HV-1 Variant' (VeryWellHealth)
We're done with EG.5. HV-1 we now will see,
And also JN.1 -- all in the family XBB.
And on the rise this season, we've got flu and RSV.
We are completely screwed. WTF! OMG! (Judy Freed)

'What Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm' (The New York Times)
Do you often find yourself stuck in first gear?
Don't ask sex experts unless you want to hear
What your partner probably believes is clear:
Dude, you're really drinking way, way too much beer. (Pam Shermeyer)

'Pizza Hut selling snake pizza in Hong Kong' (CNN)
While in Hong Kong, don't ask me why,
At Pizza Hut, I chose to try
A dish on which they did apply
Some shredded serpent meat -- no lie.
At first it seemed like chicken, dry,
But quickly things went all awry --
NOW HAD IT WITH THESE SNAKES HAVE I
UPON THIS MOTHERF***ING PIE! (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Masters of the Uni-Verse" is by Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 18: Our Week 45 contest for funny ideas for items in mail order catalogs such as Hammacher Schlemmer's. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jeff Contompasis; David Kleinbard; Hildy Zampella)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 45: The Perfect(ly ridiculous) Gift
Offer up some products for people-who-have-everything catalogs. Plus winning 'life lessons' to be learned from the movies, from Costco, and more.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 9, 2023

We can safely say that no one resembling this man will be buying this "whole body pedaler" from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. (From hammacherschlemmer.com)

The Shop Treatment: This week's Invitational
This week's contest asks you to come up with items to be sold in mail order catalogs such as Hammacher Schlemmer's, which we are leafing through right now. Do you get mail order catalogs? If you don't, it doesn't matter, because we are going to help you out right here. But just in case, many of them are easily found online. The thing is, very often the very best item these catalogs offer is the catalog itself.

This one, and many others, seem to be directed at a market that includes grannies and grampies with more disposable income than they know what to do with, middle-aged people with more disposable income than they know what to do with, but not young people, who are simply too hip for all of this stuff. The contents are corny, mostly useless, hilariously overpriced ($89.95 for a manual kitchen grater), and largely absurd. The for-oldsters comfort items are frequently modeled by people who'd never touch these items were they not being paid to do so, such as the one at the top of today's Gene Pool, featuring a buff, handsome twentysomething giddily employing a watered-down baby-type stationary bike you can use while sitting in a stuffed armchair.

Here is a list of other things taken specifically from the current Hammacher Schlemmer print catalog:
-- A waffle iron that makes waffles in the shape of a toy train set ($79.95).

-- Q 19-foot inflatable lawn Grinch ($399.95).
-- A plush piggy bank that, with each deposit, wiggles and sings about the joy of saving money ($39.95).
-- A hand-painted rocking horse that neighs and whinnies and makes clip-clop noises ($259.95).
-- A handmade Irish shillelagh ($89.95).
-- A wireless computer keyboard that looks like a manual typewriter from 1935 and clacks and dings just like Grampy's but also for some anachronistic reason has LED lights on the keys ($149.95).
-- An Advent calendar that dispenses a little toy each day -- for your dog ($169.95).
-- And, on the cover of the print catalog, a record turntable that operates vertically; it looks like a guitar, and you hang it on the wall, and somehow it presses the tone arm against the record, sans gravity, with -- as confirmed by online reviews -- a fidelity level of two cans and a string. ($349.99).

For Invitational Week 45: Invent an item, with a catalog description, that would be a humorous addition to the Hammacher Schlemmer or a similar catalog (e.g., Harry and David, The Sharper Image, J. Peterman, Neiman Marcus). Your entry may be any length at all, but shorter writing is often more entertaining.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-45. For formatting, all we ask is our standard request that you type each individual entry as one line -- in other words, don't push Enter anywhere in the middle of that entry. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 18, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 23. Yes, that is Thanksgiving. We will be there for you.

The winner gets, speaking of shopping, a vintage but brand-new Whole Fools Grossery Bag, designed by the renowned funny artist Bob Staake for The Style Invitational, this contest's previous incarnation; Pat used to give these to runners-up. This canvas tote, made of genuine plant matter, is also available for purchase in the Invitational Wish Book* for $799.95 plus shipping.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Learning the Har Way: The 'life lessons' of Week 43
In Week 43 we asked you to give us some observational humor in the form of "life lessons" to be gleaned from various situations -- the movies, the gym, Costco, or any other milieu.

Third runner-up: In the kitchen: Whoever says "easy as pie" never made anything involving flour, buttery fingers, and a rolling pin. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: In Las Vegas: You can meet a lot of women in bars who honestly don't care how you look. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: At the gynecologist: When your feet are in stirrups, your private parts fully exposed, and you think your ass is about to slide off the edge of the table, it will still be possible to "scoot down just a bit more." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the cat-leg socks: From being an insomniac with ADHD: The dorid nudibranch has a plume of gills around its anus. Turtles can also absorb oxygen from their butts. In fact, butt-breathing is fairly common in amphibians and reptiles. It's true, the technical term for butt breathing is cloacal respiration. Birds have a cloaca. Speaking of birds, did you know owls can't move their eyes? That's why their heads turn so far. An owl can rotate its head through 400 degrees in full rotation. Tarsiers can rotate their heads 360 degrees, which is impressive for a mammal... (April Musser, Georgia)

None the Wiser: Honorable mentions
From online dating profiles: No man is 5-11. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

At the movies: Anytime a bullet is removed from a victim, it must be dropped into a metal container of some kind, producing a resonant clink. (Cindy Clendenning, Colorado City, Colo., a First Offender)

From listening to WTOP's traffic reports: There exists a way for someone named Dave Dildine to survive middle school. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

From online dating: Nobody is searching for a partner who shares a disdain of moonlight walks on the beach. (Judy Freed)

From observing Kevin McCarthy: It is possible to sell your soul to the devil and still not get anything worth having. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

At an Eagles vs. Commanders game in D.C.: What it's like at a Commanders vs. Eagles game in Philly. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

At shopping malls: You don't have to be in peak physical condition to get hired as a security guard. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At the movies: Never use an alley as a shortcut, unless you're prepared to climb a chain link fence. (Steve Smith)

At a restaurant: The time it takes to order, receive, and finish eating your food is usually equal to the time it takes the server to bring the check. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

At the therapist's office: Your most urgent, emotionally laden issues will surface 47 minutes into the session. (Judy Freed)

Reading "Beetle Bailey": Trees grow horizontally from the sides of cliffs, and are quite sturdy, so it's easy to grab on and be supported if you fall over the edge, even if you are a fat sergeant. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Feminine hygiene product ads: The first thing I should be thinking of when I feel a cool autumn breeze is the smell of a woman's genitalia. (Mark Raffman)

Fox News: Biden is increasingly old and feeble. MSNBC: Trump is increasingly old and feeble. The U.S. Census: Everybody is increasingly old and feeble. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

From Costco: It is possible for one person to consume an entire one-foot-diameter pumpkin pie between the Sunday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving. (Jeff Contompasis)

From lying in a gutter with a bottle of Ripple: Wine is coldest at 3:47 a.m. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

From the 2020 presidential election: The "some of the people" you can fool all of the time turns out to be about 47 percent of the population. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

From The Washington Post: Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

From Trump trials: When faced with jail time, Trump's former colleagues pee out the Kool-Aid very quickly. (Leif Picoult)

The book "Hillbilly Elegy": "Flyover country" is populated by real-life flesh and blood human beings with hopes and dreams that are just as deplorable as I thought. (Mark Raffman)

While doing your taxes: Even though he calls only when he needs money, it still feels all warm and fuzzy inside to call your college kid a "dependent." (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The headline "Learning the Har Way" was submitted independently by Beverley Sharp, Jesse Frankovich, and Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 11: Our Week 44 contest for monorhymes -- poems in which all the lines rhyme on the same sound. Click here for details.


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The Invitational Week 44: Rhyme and Rhyme Again
Write a funny 'monorhyme,' a poem whose lines all rhyme on the same sound. Plus winning 'Am I the Asshole' questions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 2, 2023

Okay, this week's contest:

Woohoo!/ It's New/ For You/ To Do!
CLEAR GOGGLES
" 'Beer goggles' study finds alcohol does not make people seem better looking" --The Guardian
From lunk
To hunk
When drunk?
It's bunk!
-- Marshall Begel

The Invitational has run literally hundreds of poetry contests over the past 1,561 weeks of its dauntless existence. But never had it presented the simple (though not necessarily easy) one we offer today.

For Invitational Week 44: Write us a funny monorhyme, a poem of any length whose lines all rhyme on the same sound, as in the pithy example above that appeared last month as one of the news-based "Poems of the Week" in the journal Light. (By "rhyme" we mean "perfect rhyme," -- i.e., "little" doesn't rhyme with "skittles" or "kettle.") Also, like the example above: The poem must relate to some published writing -- a news article, a book, a play, an ad, even another poem. Include the headline or title of that writing, as above, along with a link if you're quoting an online article or ad; you may use that (or a paraphrase) as the title of your monorhyme, or you can supply a separate title, as Marshall Begel does above.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-44. No special formatting this week; just send them as they ought to appear. (But do look one more time at the directions above.) As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 11, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 16.

The winner gets, somewhat apropos of this week's contest, "The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book," a quality-paper volume brimming with black-and-white Yertles and Two Fish and Hortons and Truffula Trees and many more (including the occasional 1930s Asian stereotype). Donated by Pie Snelson.


We won't tell if you make the Red Fish a Blue Fish. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Butts of the Joke: The 'AITA' questions of Week 42
In Week 42 we asked you to write us a question inspired by the "Am I the Asshole?" forum on Reddit. By our accounting, in thirty of the answers, the writer is the asshole. In three, the other person is the asshole. And in two, both are assholes. See if you agree.

Third runner-up: On a date with my new girlfriend, I started necking with her in the car, rather vigorously, I must say. Later, my mother scolded me, "I saw what you two were doing and it was embarrassing and totally inappropriate." I lost it, screaming, "Then next time, I won't ask you to chaperone!" AITA? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Second runner-up: Early in our relationship, my girlfriend (25f) and I (27m) gave each other a "hall pass" to sleep with the celebrity of our choice. I learned that my chosen celebrity's name is quite common in our area. I contacted about a dozen of them online and had one-night stands with a few. When my girlfriend found out she left me. AITA? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: I (1f) chewed on a shoe so I got put outside and I dug up the yard so I got put in the garage and I tore apart my bed so I got put back inside and I destroyed a fall decoration so I got put back outside and I damaged a lawn chair (just a little) so I got put back in the garage and I ate a rubber mat so I got put back inside and I threw up the rubber mat in the hallway and I got called a bad dog. AITA? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the 1950s child-rearing pamphlet Making the Grade as Dad:
My husband (37m) just discovered I've been paying a pool boy (22m) for services all summer, and wants to fire him because we don't have a pool. AITA? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Bringing Up the Rear: Honorable mentions
I guess I have a talent for rearranging the letters of people's names into funny anagrams, and like to share them with the subjects. But at the 20th-anniversary tribute dinner for my boss, I joked that "Dick F. Putterheus" anagrams to "The Stupid Fucker" and there was this awkward silence. AITA? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My friends fill my Facebook feed with their annoying Wordle grids every day. I've begged them to stop, but they persist in flaunting their little lines of colored squares. So now, every day I post charts of my bowel movements. AITA? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

AITA if I ran out of apples for trick-or-treaters and made a few caramel-covered onions? (Jesse Frankovich)

I often hold a football for my friend Charles to practice field goal kicking, and, well, for reasons of my own, I move it away at the last second every single time, causing Charles to fall on his butt. But listen to this: He still has me hold the ball, and he still tries to kick it -- every time. And though it has been 37 years since the last straight-on kicker, Charles still tries it that way, instead of soccer-style. I ask you: Who's the A? -- L. Van Pelt (Judy Freed)

If it be true I murdered mine own nephew's father and then married his mother so I couldst be king and then paid two of his friends to poisoneth him and then his mother kicketh the bucket instead, doth I be the arsehole? (Jesse Frankovich)

In my fantasy league I need a QB for the upcoming bye week, so I offered my buddy a trade: Bijan Robinson (RB/ATL) for Kirk Cousins (QB/MIN). He said fine but only if he could date my sister and I said which one, Cara or Marie. He said Cara, and I said in that case he needs to throw in Sam LaPorta (TE/DET) because Cara is way hotter than Marie. He offered Justin Tucker (K/BAL) but only if I can guarantee he gets to second base with Cara. I responded that in that case, I am definitely holding out for LaPorta, which he says is unreasonable. AITA? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

So I (77M) was standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and this total woke nutjob was all like "hey, you suck" so I shot him and after that my approval ratings went through the roof. AITA? (Jesse Frankovich)

When I see cars with those "Student Driver" signs, I always make sure to pass them on the right, or cut them off on a quick lane change, so they get real-world driving experience in a relatively safe way while learning. But instead, I always get a dirty look from the instructor. AITA? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

My carjacker swore at me as he drove away for not getting out of the car fast enough. AITA? (Sam Mertens)

I loved my role in "Our American Cousin" and was looking forward to getting a big laugh after my "sockdologizing" line, just like at every performance at Ford's. Then right at my shining moment, somebody shot the President, and in all the fuss I never even got a snicker. When I complained about this afterward, people didn't seem sympathetic in the least. AITA? -- Harry Hawk (Judy Freed)

I was supposed to find cheap spices, but ended up establishing a supply chain for tomatoes, potatoes, pumpkins, corn, and yep, gold. But now they're calling me a monster! How was I to know syphilis, smallpox, and colonialism would be such a problem for the locals? Who's the asshole here? -- C.C., Genoa (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

If Johnny started it but Johnny told Mom that I started it and then I told Mom that Johnny started it and that Johnny eats boogers, AITA? (Jesse Frankovich)

I'm in charge of our company's voicemail, and I have seen to it that it still orders customers to listen carefully because our menu options have changed, even though the last change was in 1997. This angers some longtime customers who think it wastes their time and is a bald-faced lie, but as far as I am concerned, if just one confused senior citizen each year pays extra attention so that they don't inadvertently choose an option not tailored to their needs *" (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

My lady friend got mad at me for wearing shorts to her mom's funeral. I explained to her that my Dolce & Gabbana shorts cost me $325 -- more than most of the attendees' entire outfits! I told her it would have been far more disrespectful if I had worn pants from, like, Old Navy. I mean, am I the asshole here? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

We think traffic laws, bank deposit insurance, and Supreme Court ethics laws are all unconstitutional because they didn't exist in 1789. AWTA? -- J.R., C.T., S.A., B.K., A. C-B., N.G. (Names withheld by request) (Marc from the Military, Travis Air Force Base, Calif.)

For no reason whatsoever, Donald Trump called me an asshole, etc. Am I the asshole? (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va.)

I grew up playing sports with my wife's younger brother, Liam. He was a little guy but fit and athletic. We saw each other naked in locker rooms innumerable times.
Now in his twenties, Liam transitioned and last year completed the surgeries and changed their name to Linda. Linda visited us recently and looks great -- much hotter than their sister, my wife, I might add. While Linda was showering, I opened the door for a peek. After all, I'd seen Liam naked lots of times, so what the hell?
Linda screamed, then my wife ran in and screamed at me, too. Both packed and left, calling me an A-hole. C'mon, seriously, AITA? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I answered her, "Yes, you do, but you'd look fat in anything." She got steamed. Does honesty make me the asshole? (Jesse Frankovich)

I live in California but have figured out how to get the Eastern feed of "Jeopardy!" three hours earlier. Then when our family watches the local broadcast that evening, I do well, but never overdo it or rub it in -- like, I don't bet a lot on Daily Doubles. I think it encourages my wife and kids to up their game. AITA? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I do not like my neighbor, Sam.
His perfect life is just a sham.
So if I shagged his girlfriend Pam,
Would you say I the asshole am? (Jesse Frankovich)

My neighbor is nice and, to be honest, quite hot, but she has one habit that annoys me: When she showers, she often fails to wash her back. I can't help but notice through my binoculars that she'll soap every other part of her body, but she usually neglects to use a long-handle loofah or something to get those hard-to-reach places. I mentioned it to her in passing one day when I was walking the dog, and she got all mad and ran inside. AITA? (Leif Picoult)

After a week of constipation, I finally had a gigantic BM that stretched across the toilet bowl. I left it unflushed so my wife would see the good news. Instead, she wasn't even happy for me. AITA? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

I use my gas-powered leaf blower every morning before leaving for work so my family can wake up to a pristine lawn. While I'm at it, I also clear my neighbors' lawns so they can wake up to pristine grass, too. However, some of my neighbors have asked me not to! I'm, like, who would complain about a free lawn service -- don't they know how much those landscaping companies charge for that? Am I the asshole? (Leif Picoult)

Based on a true story: For Mother's Day I bought my wife a new laundry basket, since the old one had cracked under the strain of heavy loads she was carrying up and down the stairs. The new one even has a curved side so it doesn't cut into her hip. My wife smiled when I gave it to her, but my daughters were furious. I was only thinking of her and her comfort. AITA? (Jeff Contompasis)

I know anything goes these days, but I was raised with traditional values. When I got married, I could tell on our wedding night that my bride wasn't a virgin. I mentioned this to my in-laws, thinking they might apologize for raising a wayward daughter and maybe make a small cash gift to compensate, but they haven't spoken to me since. Am I, you know, the bad person? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

My sibling is a total suck-up to our parents. They lavish praise on him, constantly telling him he's a good boy. One day I got so fed up that I knocked over a vase on the table near where he was sitting so he'd be blamed. Am I the asshole? -- Mittens (P.S. I don't actually care what you think.) (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

If I used ChatGPT to write this entry because this contest is really hard, and this entry gets ink, AITA or IAITA? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

I'm a cable installer. My office gives you a window of time to expect me, but I won't show up anyway -- unless you take a minute to pee, and then I'll leave a note on your door and run. AITA? (Jon Gearhart)

I sell insurance. Am I the Asshole? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

And Last: My favorite humor/wordplay contest is the best thing on Substack! So I gave everyone I knew my Substack paid-subscription password. But the editors didn't appreciate my spreading the word. AITA? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And Even Laster: I'm humbly sitting out this week's contest, painfully aware that anything I'd produce would just seem lame next to the witty humor and sparkling anecdotes of other Losers, all of whom can draw upon boundless life experiences as genuine assholes to -- what? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The headline "Butts of the Joke" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and William Kennard; and both William and Beverley Sharp sent in wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 4: Our Week 43 contest for "Life Lessons" to be learned from various places and situations. Click here for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart; William Kennard)
Subhead: (William Kennard; Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 43: Let It Be a Lesson to Us
Tell us some things to be learned from Costco, the bathroom, TV shows, etc. Plus winning word-grid neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 26, 2023

From a birthday card (the message is "Go wild. It's your birthday.") available at sofunkyfresh.com.

This week's contest is one we've done thrice, but not in a long time. Then, we limited you to a few situations; now you have free rein. For Week 43: Tell us a life lesson that can be learned from any particular milieu -- say, "on the pot," or "from the comics pages," or "from surfing the Internet," or "at Costco" or "at the movies" or "lying in the gutter with a bottle of Ripple." The examples below were past winners.

From romance novels: No one is named Maxine Fischman or Fred Paczynski. (Mel Loftus)

At the movies: At all speeches, the microphone will squeak once before
allowing the speaker to continue with no further problem. (Alan Hochbaum, Timothy Gotwald)

From TV: All family crises, whether large or small, take exactly 22 minutes to solve. (Ed Gordon)

At the dentist: Nitrous oxide can somehow cause your underpants to turn inside out. (Russell Beland)

This week you may choose any of the above categories -- see the results of those contests here, here, and here -- or others such as "at the gym," "at preschool," "while doing your taxes," "from scrolling on X for two hours." Or any other category you devise.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-43. Be sure to read the formatting directions! As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 4, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 9.

The winner gets a pair of very nice socks that look like cat paws, or what cat paws would look like if they had heels and big long soles. Donated by the footsome Dave Prevar.


Fog not included: This week's prize. (shopsockysock.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Roo-roo roominations will be particularly valued. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

tasteful orange button

Sharing Your Pathword: The neologisms of Week 41
In Week 41 we asked you to choose any letter on the randomly generated grid below, then "discover" a new word or phrase by snaking around the grid through adjacent letters in any or all directions. That so many of you noticed that M-11 or K-12 can begin "asshole" * well, let's say we have lots of hope for our still-running "Am I the Asshole" contest. (Note: Pat and Gene judge the Invitational without knowing who wrote the entries, and so sometime the same person nabs two spots in the top four. This time two people did.)


The grid used in today's results. (Circled letters show the example, OUCHPAL.)
Third runner-up: Beginning at V-7, heading down diagonally and then straight up: BOOZO: Former children's entertainer, now in rehab. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up: K-5: I AM A STUD, YOU OLD LOON!: Debate response to be used by both candidates in 2024. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: J-13: URASSHOLE: Proposed name for the seventh planet before they decided it should be more polite, but still able to provoke snickers. (Jesse Frankovich)

And the winner of the headband that looks as if a knife's going through your head:
Q-10: DITZY, BITCHY, 'N' RUDY: The next three candidates who were in line for the House speakership. (Frank Osen)

Turns for the Worse: Honorable mentions
F-12: ARSE ROLL: One of your less popular sushi choices. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

B-5: HEAPA: A unit of measure equal to 40 trillion tons. "Donald Trump's reelection would mire our country in a heapa shit." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

B-7: TITCH: An involuntary spasm that a guy experiences when he sees a well-endowed woman. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

C-2: AIRYAK: The spiel at the beginning of your flight that the attendants pantomime with arm gestures and you totally tune out, even when the sound system is audible. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

C-10: VP SEX: Official event celebrated annually in the Pence household. "Mike found himself stirring on the night before Christmas." (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

C-12: EXLOPE: Run away to get a quickie divorce. "After my parents spent so much on the wedding, we felt it was only right to exlope." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

C-15: PORNYLAND: Theme park with the happiest endings on Earth. (Jesse Frankovich)

C-17: RELIB: To reminisce about the good ol' days of youth radicalism. "There goes Aunt Cleo again, relibbing the SDS sit-in at the Berkeley chancellor's office*" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

D-6: DENAY: To deny a previous denial. "I didn't say I wouldn't run again for Speaker," the congressman denayed. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

F-3: FAPPETA: The stiff, discolored fabric that teenage boys' bedspreads seem to turn into. (Frank Osen)

F-15: MR. JOLLY GALLOP: YouTuber nickname for Sen. Josh Hawley escaping the Capitol on Jan. 6. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

G-10: SKANX: Open-crotch shapewear. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

G-19: NITWIZ: An ace proofreader. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.)

H-3: DJT APP: A mobile tool that automatically adds gaslighting, dog-whistling, disinformation, and all-caps to your tweets. (Jesse Frankovich)

D-8: BIDEN APP: Program that works better than any alternative, but damn, it's on such an old platform. (Mark Raffman)

H-4: PAYN: An ache in your fingers as you write a check to the IRS. (Judy Freed)

H-10: CANDY TRAMP: What the grumpy old man next door calls a trick-or-treater. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

H-16: BLIZZLE: A much-hyped snowstorm that turns out to be a few flakes on the grass. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

I-5: PEWNY: What church attendance has been since the pandemic. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

J-4: SOLOLAY: A politer version of "screw yourself." "The deacon smoothly suggested that the rude taxi driver would benefit greatly from a sololay." (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

J-11: GRASSHOLE: That neighbor who insists on mowing the lawn at 6 a.m. (Duncan Stevens)

N-10: BASSHOLE: Your co-worker who regales you every Monday morning with his fishing stories. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

J-12: RATMICEELKPIGLLAMA: The genetically engineered feature attraction -- well, the only attraction -- at the One Room Zoo. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

K-22: MM*PATE!: Homer Simpson gets hoity-toity. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

L-7: UNSMIT: Reversed an infatuation. "One look at his bathroom floor and she was immediately unsmit." (Pam Shermeyer)

L-8: BUTTASM: Occasional result of prostate massage. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

L-17: LOLLYGAP: Taking a schoolyear off to do nothing. "Scott said he'd master tutoring in the barrio, but instead he's lollygapping through mastering Super Mario." (Frank Osen)

M-12: I, ASSHOLE: In his memoirs, Trump finally comes clean. (Fiction) (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

M-19: McNERD: A Facebook friend who posts tips like this: "Because the discount for buying two McDoubles is a non-coupon offer, you can add a large fries for $1.19. That's still only $5.78, which is $2.18 less than a Big Mac with two extra patties and one extra slice of cheese. Bargain!" (Chris Doyle)

L-12: McSHIT: What not to order at the Golden Arches. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

M-3: KAMOLALULA: In a bid for ratings, Tucker Carlson unveils a new mispronunciation of the VP's name. (Frank Osen)

M-3: KOI MIX: What Pepperidge Farm calls its Goldfish in Japan. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

N-10: BS-SAT: A special standardized test used by college football recruiters. Question 27: What kind of fruit is in apple pie? (Leif Picoult)

N-12: SASSHOLE: (1) A mouthy teenager. (2) A teenager's mouth. (Jesse Frankovich)

O-7: QUINOA OOZE: Product name before the manufacturers decided to call it "vegan ice cream." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

L-12: MASHTIT: What the clinic techs call the mammography machine. (Lee Graham)

O-15: SALARD: "At the We Please Everybody Cafe, we offer a salard special: a fresh romaine/spinach blend, smothered in pork fat gravy." (Judy Freed)

P-4: YALLISM: A classic Southern expression such as "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit." (Rob Cohen)

P-9: VINALDOO: What you get when you misread the recipe in your Indian cookbook. (Duncan Stevens)

P-13: KELCE PASS: Something Taylor Swift didn't need a football to make. (Jesse Frankovich)

P-15: ALPS FLESH: Epic goosebumps. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Q-17: MAGARITA: A Kool-Aid alternative that Republicans have wasted away on. (Kevin Dopart)

R-7: LOOLOO: A stunningly beautiful restroom. (Jeff Contompasis)

R-7: LOONOODLE: To cogitate on the toilet. (Steve Leifer)

T-21: MEATRE D': The headwaiter at a barbecue joint. "Yup, y'all can sit at that picnic table over yonder." (Jesse Frankovich)

The "Pathwords" headline is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 28: Our Week 42 contest for humorous "Am I the Asshole" situations a la the popular Reddit thread. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Mel Loftus; Russell Beland; Ed Gordon; Alan Hochbaum; Timothy Gotwald )
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 42: The 'Hole Story
Write us a funny 'Am I The Asshole' question. Plus winning parodies on the news.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 19, 2023

For some reason, we thought this popular Reddit thread would be perfect for a contest in The Gene Pool. See this week's Invitational below.

This Week's Invitational: Are You the Asshole?
This week's contest, suggested a while ago by both Alex Blackwood and Jeff Contompasis, was inspired by a long-standing and deeply vulgar discussion thread on Reddit: Someone writes in to recount a conflict they're having with someone else, describes their own behavior in said dispute, and asks their fellow Redditors: "Am I the asshole?" Then others in the "AITA" community weigh in with their judgments.

Often, it is hilariously clear that the aggrieved writer is an asshole, a conclusion almost always confirmed by the community. An example we just made up: "I love mackerel in bouillabaisse sauce, and frequently make it for lunch at work, in the microwave or even the coffeemaker, which works splendidly for that. My co-workers complain it stinks up the office and all coffee subsequently tastes like fish. Am I the asshole?" Obvious verdict: You are.

Sometimes, it is clear that the writer has a good point, as in this real example from Reddit (slightly edited for space):

My boyfriend likes to be called "daddy" in bed. I've obliged but it's starting to creep me out and I've decided I don't want to do it anymore. He is not happy with this, and insists it has nothing to do with the connotation of the word, he just enjoys hearing me say it.

Since he wasn't budging on the issue, I told him I'd like him to call me "grandma" in bed as a compromise. He didn't like this option, said it was giving him visuals he would prefer not to have -- like ok, join the fucking club.

Anyway, the last time he tried to initiate intimacy with me, I started to say, "Do you like when grandma does that?" etc, and he FLEW off the handle. Said I ruined the mood, made him feel gross and I was being ridiculous.

I think I proved my point but he thinks I'm being an asshole. So AITA?

The full comment thread has been taken down, but the consensus seems to be: Madam, you are NTA, not the asshole. HE is the asshole.

Anyway: For Invitational Week 42: Create a humorous situation proposing a question for "Am I the Asshole?" It can be "from" a nameless person or a particular real or fictional one. It can be filthy, though we do not officially recommend that. The length can run up to 150 words or so, like the "Grandma" example, or it can be just a sentence or two.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-42. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 28, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 2.

Since we are in advice mode here, the winner gets the 1950 pamphlet Making the Grade as Dad, which was already in its seventh edition when this copy was printed in 1954. Written by child-rearing expert Edith Neisser -- whose credit appears after that of her husband, Walter, "an advertising man" -- the advice is generally still wise and probably progressive for its era ("It is a good thing for a boy to see his father helping to dry the dishes") though clearly the product of its times: "Everywhere in the world, boys learn that when they grow up they will have to look after women and children if they are to be considered responsible members of the community. Even when mothers go out to work, fathers are expected to be strong and protective."


Perhaps the designer of the Amazon logo was inspired by Dad's mouth.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Rock and LOL: The songs from Week 40
In Week 40 we put the call out for song lyrics and performances about matters in the news -- which happened to be, as you'll see, right when House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was getting his gavel grabbed away. As always, the Loserbards sent us far too many inkworthy parodies and videos to share here; over the next few days Pat will post another dozen or so in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; search on #parodies.

Click on the titles of the original songs below to hear the tune so you can sing along -- though our winner this week will sing it to you right here.


Third runner-up: Donald's Favorite Things:
Buckets of crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken,
Huge MAGA rallies and candidate-pickin',
Dictators, tyrants, oppressors, and kings:
These are a few of my favorite things.

Strip steak that's well-done and slathered with ketchup,
Crazy-ass rants that my speechwriters fetch up,
Women who dream being one of my flings:
These are some more of my favorite things.

Fans wearing red hats who shout, "F.U., Biden,"
Breitbart and Tucker and Elon providin'
Claims that the deep state is clipping my wings,
All the while hiding how Putin pulls strings.

When I'm dogged by DOJ stings,
And it makes me mad,
I think about top-secret classified things
That I can reveal to Vlad.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: [To "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift]
Nice to meet you, where you been?
You can sure do incredible things--
Making catches for the win--
Saw you there and I thought,
"Oh my God, look at that man!
Guess I'm now a K.C. fan.
Love's a game, wanna play?"

New outfit, white and red,
They will talk about us on TV.
Ain't it funny, all that's said?
And I know you think about me,
So, hey, let's hang out
And you can run a deep go route.
On the Internet we'll trend;
I can holler when you score on the weekend.

'Cause we're hot and we're famous,
They'll gossip way too much.
Football's what your game is;
You're awesome in the clutch.
Got a long list of ex-lovers;
We'll say that we're just friends,
But I've got a blank space, Travis --
And I like tight ends.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)


First runner-up: Re-Indicted [to "Reunited"]
Those guys were fools to haul me into court --
Each time they do it doubles my support.
Whenever they booked me, then the better things looked.
The base gets more excited 'cause I've got them hooked, hey hey.

Manhattan, Georgia, big one in D.C.,
Each prosecution is a boon for me.
'Cause when I'm arraigned, see all the fans that I've gained!
More charges, more they love me--see, I've got 'em well trained.

Re-indicted and it feels so good!
Charge me more? You know I wish they would.
My poll numbers climb when I get charged with a crime.
The MAGA crowd's united 'cause I'm re-indicted, hey hey.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


And the winner of the solar-powered hula dancer:

The song's about Sen. Robert Menendez. Lyrics by Jonathan Jensen; performed by Tom Chalkley [center], Bob Friedman [right, on guitar], and Jonathan [on MicroBass]. The three Baltimoreans perform occasionally as the Patapsco Delta Boys; Jonathan's day job is playing string bass with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

YouTube URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEKCm3QR0oI
I want to live on what you give.
There's nothing finer than a bar of gold.
All these transgressions you must forgive,
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
And I'm bought and sold
Keeps me working for a bar of gold.
And I'm bought and sold.

I go to Washington, I chair committees.
I'll do your bidding for a bar of gold.
I'll loosen purse strings, and I'll do worse things.
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
Though I'm getting old
Keep on working for a bar of gold
Yes, I'm bought and sold.
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
A new Mercedes and a bar of gold.
Half million dollars and a bar of gold.
There's nothing finer than a bar of gold.
(Jonathan Jensen; Tom Chalkley)


Rhythm & Lose: Honorable mentions
Employees React to a Rebrand [To "Be Our Guest"]
We're now X! We're now X!
Says the guy who writes the checks,
Understanding the rebranding
Raises riddles that perplex.
Why did Musk buy us out?
Why'd he change what we're about?
When he did away with Twitter,
He consigned us to the shitter.
Is the stock through the floor?
Is the future insecure?
Is the ax about to come down on our necks?
We were a well-run shop, now we're a dismal flop,
Pay last respects! Clear the decks! We're now X.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Two Ballads of Matt Gaetz
I. [To "My Blue Heaven"]
A vote that I called, to tell him goodbye,
That motion's how I screwed Kevin.
Eight votes from the right, now he's out of sight,
Good night, because I screwed Kevin.
Gone is that weasel face that we'll replace, up in the chair,
And if there's disarray, that's quite okay, 'cause I don't care!
Now all thanks to me, we're leadership-free,
So happy 'cause I screwed Kevin. (Mark Raffman)

II. [To "Stairway to Heaven"]
There's a dude who is sure his intentions are pure,
But he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin.
He the Speaker betrayed with a motion he made,
And he's basking in all the attention.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, yes, he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin.

He's a Florida man who's a huge Donald fan
And a star among self-righteous whiners.
We're all keenly aware that he's proud of his hair,
And to boot, he gets busy with minors.
Ooh, makes me shudder * And he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin. (Jesse Frankovich)

Biden: His Time [To "When I'm Sixty-Four"]
Some say I'm aging, losing my grip
C'mon, man, not so!
Aren't you all anticipating four more years?
Speak up, folks, I can't hear the cheers!
Asking the old folk, begging the young,
You whippersnappers, you:
Will you respect me, will you elect me,
When I'm eighty-two?
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)


Your House [to "Our House"], written and sung by Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach,
Fla., accompanied by Judy Freed and (Judy Freed).
[URL of Judy singing in three-part harmony: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPrrJL7aPLE
]
You lit the fire. We sit here watching as you burn the whole thing down.
Such an orange fire- Your mess is now ours, as you
pander to the clown who pulls the strings, which we all see.
God help the GOP.

Time's running out. So use your head for just five minutes.
How hard can that be?
Gotta make a choice. The country needs a Speaker and we
know you'll just keep teeter-tottering the whole day through.
What will we do with you?

Your House is a very scary, asnine House.
With Boebert, Jordan, Gaetz -- catastrophe awaits.
Now everything's gone bonkers 'cause of you
and your blah blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...


The Ballad of Sam Bankman-Fried [To "Be Our Guest"]
Bankman-Fried! Bankman-Fried!
Tale of hubris, lies, and greed:
Funds invested feather-nested; at the trough his pals would feed.
Stole the loot, took the gains,
Used the dough to fund campaigns,
And his customers in crypto? Off those folks he surely ripped -- oh,
FTX took their checks,
Laundered funds [it was complex];
Off to jail Sam went with all deliberate speed;
He seemed a rumpled oddster; now this scheming fraudster
Has been treed--yes, indeed, Bankman-Fried! (Duncan Stevens)

Evicted [To "Busted" as sung by Johnny Cash]
It started in '20, when orange-face Trump got evicted;
To old Mar-a-Lago, that roach-ridden dump, he was evicted.
He took what he said was all personal stuff;
Jack Smith and the feds have been callin' his bluff --
But one scuzzy 'Pugnican isn't enough
To be evicted.

Now Kevin McCarthy, the man with no shame, is evicted;
His aide called Pelosi and told the old dame: "You're evicted!"
Pelosi's a lady; she told him off nice,
With steel in her spine and a voice full of ice --
But I'm sure she was hopin' the whole gang of lice
Would get evicted.

Now listen up, people, and hear what I say about "evicted":
It isn't enough just to hope and pray they'll be evicted!
You Dems who love justice and right in your souls,
A year from November, get down to the polls--
And don't you dare quit till the whole pack of trolls
Is evicted!
(Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel)

Kevin's Lament [To "You Shook Me All Night Long"]
He was a click machine, made for the TV screen,
Gaetz was the biggest camera whore that I ever seen.
With Eddie Munster hair and a caveman's glare,
Voting me right out of my House Speaker chair.
Taking more than his share, I said I didn't care,
But the schmuck followed through, thought he wouldn't dare.
Congress halls start quaking, my hand is shaking,
My gavel they're taking, and the far right is breaking it
And you shook me alt-right wrong *
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Ballad of Sen. J.D. Vance [to the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song]
Come listen to the story of a man named Vance,
A hardscrabble son who would never have a chance,
Except for some folks who would help him on his way*
The same folks now that he loves to betray.
[Coastal elites! Pointy-heads!]

A scholarship to Yale, a degree in law,
A best-selling book 'bout his crusty old Mamaw,
And then California, where a patron said, "J.D.,
Come feed at the trough of our private equity."
[Start-up techs! Massive checks!]

Well now he's in the Senate where he plays pretend,
A "man of the people," but it's Trump that he'll defend,
So forget about his money or his fancy law degree,
He's hiding them to practice demagogy.
[Candidate -- '28?] (Mark Raffman)

It's High Noon for Kevin McCarthy
Do not forsake me, Grand Old Party, on this our votin' day
I don't think Donald Trump will save me -- Loyal? That's one-way!
I think I know what fate awaits me
Countin' the votes says it's a wrap
The Chaos Caucus gang will Gaetz me
I'm bein' booted, my gavel muted, guess I'm ill-suited for this crap.

Shoulda been honorin' my sworn duty
'Stead I helped trample the Constitooty
Trump with his tie so red and long -- what a buffoon!
He thinks the Presidency's hisn, 'cause it can keep him out of prison
I'm not a fan of his but oh -- what made me think he should lead me?

Now that you've dumped me, Grand Old Party
Some say I'll quit this carny ride
No, I won't be a K Street smarty
And my new hobby won't be to lobby, and if it is? Then hey, I lied!
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Two songs sung by Clarence Thomas
I. [To "Wouldn't It Be Loverly"]
All I want is a billionaire
Flying me on a jet somewhere
Paying for my air fare
Oh, isn't it so loverly?

Now I sail on the finest yachts,
I don't sleep in my RV cots
In Walmart parking lots.
Oh, isn't it so loverly?

Oh, so loverly living in the lap of luxury
Paid by lawyers who have lots of cases in front of me!

It will never affect my vote
When a litigant buys my boat
Or pays my mortgage note,
Oh, isn't it so loverly?
(Barbara Sarshik; Andy Pike, Vienna, Va.)

II. [To "Let It Be"]
When I find myself with time to travel,
Wealthy friends will cover me,
Whispering with their checkbooks,
"Big RV."

And if I want a yacht vacation,
Sailing on some tropic sea,
There will be an answer,
"It's on me."

Get it free, get it free, gave a spree, Justice T.!
Ethics can be damned, sir,
Get it free! (Mark Raffman)

From "The Lauren Boebert Musical" [To, once again, "Be Our Guest"]
Feel our breast, feel our breast,
Then we'll let you grope the rest.
Let your fingers run across us, dear, and you will pass the test!
In the House, we're a Rep,
So you better watch your step:
As they say, "You go and hump her -- just don't piss off any Trumper."
You're okay, it's a play,
We're in public every day,
And our voters trust that we know what is best.
So follow Trump and Jesus, do your thing and please us.
Feel our breast! Yes, our breast! Feel our breast!
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Speaker of the House [To "Burning Down the House"]
Ahhhhhh Watch out! You might get what you're after
Big babies--estranged and getting stranger
Appoint an ordinary guy
Speaker of the House.

Hold tight, wait till the Party's over
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather
There's got to be a better way
Speaker of the House

Vote your ticket, back your flag, it's time to behave overboard
The aggravation is here.
Close enough but not a czar, we're not what we think we are
Fighting on a high wire * ah!

All White, we might need a scapegoat,
Break down, don't discuss much in daylight.
Too many palms for us to grease.
Speaker of the House*.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

The Major Maniacal Dictator's Song [To "The Major-General's Song"]
I am the very model of a master of autocracy;
My name is known throughout the world [albeit for hypocrisy];
I have a lust for power, and my mission's to expand my reign,
And nothing's going to stop me [once I finally smash that damn Ukraine].

I had a private army called the Wagner Group [you may have heard];
It's said I killed their leader -- bah, I tell you, that is just absurd!
He led an insurrection but I'm never one to hold a grudge;
That plane crash was an accident! Was I involved? I'll be the judge!

My latest message to the world [I say this quite sadistically]:
I have some brand new nukes, and they can reach your home [ballistically!].
So use some common sense: don't try to mess with my autocracy,
'Cause Xi and Kim Jong Un could help me polish off democracy!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

RNC's Ronna McDaniel Watches the GOP Debate [To "If I Only Had a Brain"]
Trump will never just surrender -- there's nary a contender
Whose path he didn't pave.
They're on stage to audition for a Cabinet position,
Not the job they truly crave.

Some could win the right-of-center, defeat their chief tormentor,
Who's brazenly depraved.
With ol' Joe's numbers sinkin', we don't need another Lincoln
For our party to be saved.

Oh, I could tell you why we're in such disarray.
Ron's a wonk whose claim to fame is "don't say gay,"
And the rest have no cachet.

In debates they're bellyachin', and red-state heads are shakin',
Reviews have not been rave.
Where to find someone saner who's a highly skilled campaigner?
Let's raise Reagan from the grave.
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The Elon Song [To "I'm Too Sexy"]
I'm too X-ey for that name, too X-ey for that name,
Twitter? No, that's just lame.
I'm too X-ey for ol' Zuck, too X-ey for ol' Zuck--
What, "Threads"? What a schmuck!

Get blue checks-ey, pay the fee, blue checks-ey, pay the fee,
Show you're loyal to me!
I'm a mogul, you know what I mean,
And the techie staffers say, "What a prat," walk.
Have a spat, walk, grab their hat, walk.
The site is breaking down after that walk.

Not too X-ey, though, for Nazis, too X-ey, though, for Nazis,
Racist bilge quite a lot sees.
You're objectsy to your feed, objectsy to your feed?
Then I'll cap what you read.

I'm a mogul, you know what I mean,
The employees hear me tell them all "Scat," walk--
"What a brat!" walk, "brain of gnat!" walk,
A site-will-now-frequently-go-splat walk.
Too X-y for my, too X-y for my, too X-y for my, too X-y for my
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES] (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "Rock and LOL" is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 21: Our Week 41 contest to "discover" new terms by snaking through a word search grid. Click here for the grid and directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Alex Blackwood; Jeff Contompasis)
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

Invitational Week 41: As the Word Turns
'Discover' new words like OUCHPAL by snaking through this random grid. Plus winning Dylan + 1 rhymes.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 12, 2023

-- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V --
01 L Y I R J K R L B Y J G B R X A Y D B R J R 01
02 T S A Y A T J Y Q Y K J R K U L A T S O P K 02
03 W E C V V F A D S Z O L K T L W R J Q D M R 03
04 T E A V L N A P N S X A O L A Y N D L Y R V 04
05 C H P A E L L A P S I M I T N P T G M T M J 05
06 E C T D L N Y W E E A S N C P M E P L Y E B 06
07 L T I W T P N H Y T T U D Y Q L M L D L J B 07
08 A J Y B M L C Y O J J B R Y O U O O A L O X 08
09 I T W T Y E L N A J D D N H D V I N O O D D 09
10 D T V P E D S C D Y V D S B C T D T Z L C G 10
11 L B T S L N K X G G T S A T H T I Y E H G L 11
12 D F E X R A N M M R A M I S I Y D B A X D I 12
13 X B R L L Z L P L U N P C E E K Y L P K Y Y 13
14 N T Y O R Y R J O L B I E L F J L G O N A T 14
15 L Y P J N M T Y L L G A P K S A M A D H Q L 15
16 A E T Y K T L B Y Y L L O C H P L Z O P O A 16
17 Q L R E L Z Z I F J X A L U G A M L M O E O 17
18 Y J L Y I B D W M J K I A H R A A P B R R B 18
19 Q J R A W M N T V D Z A M C D R I A O I P N 19
20 Q N W M C B I W M G B J Y V N E T E E Q Q Y 20
21 Y L P N Y M V N X Y T M P K T Q Q L T M P K 21
22 X M N T D K M Y Z R M P J A M M T B R Y X R 22
-- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V --


The Invitational:

Beginning on M-16: OUCHPAL: Your bondage partner.
E-16: KNOLLERY: JFK assassination obsession. "Yeah, Chuck wants to visit Dealey Plaza for our vacation again."

R-9: NODLY: How you fake interest in your lunch date's recitation of troubles with the office photocopier.

We're making the Invitational grid again! Here's the perfect contest for those Gene Poolers who aren't inclined to, say, spend a week writing an elaborate song parody: There are lots of possibilities just sitting there. For Week 41: "Discover" a humorous new word or multi-word term by tracing a path through the randomly generated grid above -- in any direction or several directions, up, down, back, forth, diagonally, but always using contiguous squares -- and define the result, as in the examples above ("ouchpal" is the one traced out). You can't trace over the same spot on the grid twice. Using the word in a funny sentence can help you get the ink over someone else who "found" the same term.

Begin each entry -- you can send as many as 25 -- with the coordinates of your first letter (e.g., C--12) as above; we'll trace it from there. Letter-hyphen-number. And you must put the coordinates, word, and definition all on the same line -- don't hit Enter between them. (You should be able to print out the grid from this link.)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-41. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 21, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 26.

The winner gets, just in time for Halloween, a "Glow Knife" headband that makes it look as if a translucent green plastic knife is going through you. Complete with its name in Danish.


If you're driven mad by trying to trace those letters through that grid, here's evidently one way to achieve serenity.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


The Rhymes They Are a-Changin': The Dylan tailgaters of Week 39
In Week 39 we invited you to choose any line from Writer of Many, Many Lines Bob Dylan, and rhyme it with your own line, in a couplet that the light-verse world calls a tailgater. We especially liked Frank Osen's "I am a man of constant sorrow/ You brought me pizza from Sbarro," but tragically, "Man of Constant Sorrow" is an old folk song; Dylan's credited only as arranger.

Third runner-up:
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand at the mongrel dogs who teach
And then left the school board meeting to inject myself with bleach.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
"Go on back to see the gypsy, he can move you from the rear."
They sure have funny ways of saying "colonoscopy" 'round here.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children --
The laws here in Texas are simply bewild'rin'.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the human-heart stress-relieving squeezy thing:
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes,
The four-inch heels we gals must wear while working for Fox News. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Blowin': Honorable mentions
But I would not feel so all alone --
Everybody must get cloned. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Come senators, congressmen, please heed the call,
But don't yank that fire alarm on the wall.
(Frank Osen; Duncan Stevens)

I'd a-done anything for that woman if she didn't make me feel so obligated
To similarly please her every time I got fellated. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Del.)

I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken--
In a string of emoji their nonsense was spoken. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"No reason to get excited," the thief he kindly spoke.
"Just find 11,780 votes for me and not that other bloke." (Jesse Frankovich)

Ring bell, hard to tell if anything is goin' to sell
Unless it's Girl Scout Do-si-dos, which every year do very well. (Chris Doyle)

We sat in her kitchen while her mama was cooking.
"Shouldn'ta cooked her," said the cops at the booking. (Duncan Stevens)

Tell ya what, I would not feel so all alone
If you'd just pardon me like Roger Stone. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
But what's that "Kick Me" sign on my behind? (Duncan Stevens)

Although it's tradition to have a bris,
You took a part of me that I really miss. (Judy Freed)

But I would not feel so all alone
If only I could charge my phone. (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)

Once I had mountains in the palm of my hand --
Carpal tunnel surgery cost me six grand. (Frank Osen)

Well, you walk into the room like a camel and then you frown --
Perhaps you shouldn't wear a backpack underneath your gown (Frank Osen)

We never did too much talking anyway.
Ted Cruz went first on Filibuster Day. (Duncan Stevens)

"Disillusioned words like bullets bark"
Is a simile that went wide of the mark. (Frank Osen)

You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns when they all did tricks for you
But you cannot take your eyes from the Trumpers telling lies while they act like dicks for you (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Darkness at the break of noon?
Why'd we go to Antarctica in June? (Duncan Stevens)

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin', I was layin' in bed
Chucklin' about how much money I made back tourin' with the Dead (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Everybody knows that baby's got new clothes
She spat up on her onesie -- seven washings, still it shows. (Duncan Stevens)

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
This way I don't have to pay the streaming fee (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

I ain't lookin' to block you up.
That's why I put prune juice in your cup. (Judy Freed)

I must admit I felt a little uneasy when she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe
Together with Crazy Glue. (Frank Osen)

That it is not he or she or them or it that you belong to;
Your pronouns no one can dictate, for it is surely wrong to. (Mark Raffman)

I've got a hole where my stomach disappeared
These Ozempic side effects are beyond weird (Frank Osen)

They'll stone you when you're playing your guitar
Which means you ain't cut out for Juilliar'. (Gary Crockett)

And Last: To ease the pain of idleness and the memory of decay
I've been reading through Bob Dylan lyrics sixteen hours a day. (Chris Doyle)

And Even Laster: She tries to write a chiasmus -- it sounds so darn banal.
She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The headline "The Rhymes They Are a-Changin'" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 14: Our Week 40 contest for song lyrics about anything in the news right now, either in parody lyrics or a video. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-40 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte)
Prize: (Roy Ashley)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 40: It's Parody Time
Send up the news with those songs and videos that you do so well. Plus winning chiasmus jokes.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
OCT 5, 2023


You probably did that already. But check out the twist on Dante in this week's Invitational results below.

The New Contest: Finding Parodise
It's been too long since we had a full-blown song parody contest, one of our stockiest stocks-in-trade: For Week 40: Write a satiric song about anything in the news these days, set to any familiar tune -- or even your own tune, if you'll sing it to our readers. Include a link to the original tune so that readers can follow along. Videos are welcome as well; include a public link to your performance along with your lyrics. Be sure to tell us what song you're parodying, even it it's OBBBBBBvious; we promise not to be insulted.

Because these lyrics are going to be read, not listened to (unless you're making a video), don't send us a line-by-line parody of a five-minute recording; best for us are lyrics generally about 8 to 16 lines, without choruses that simply repeat the same words.

For that ol' Guidance and Inspiration, see the winning lyrics and videos from last year.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-40. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, were you, uh, Mozart. Read the form first for formatting instructions, as well for guidelines for what we're looking for in song lyrics.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 14, at 9 p.m. ET -- but if you need just a little more time to edit the video, or polish the lyric, email the Empress and she'll see what she can do. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 19.

The winner gets a cute little solar-powered energetically swaying hula dancer, her feet anchored in some plastic greenery. If your car's dashboard lacks that certain tackiness, this is an instant solution. Donated by Dave Prevar.


Who better to dance along sensually to your inking song parody? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Read Our Flips: The chiasmi of Week 38
In Week 38 we asked for witticisms featuring chiasmus, the clever inversion (more or less) of a phrase. We also allowed for spoonerisms, a variant in which the beginnings of two words are switched. Our exhortations to make them original prevented most of you from sending in the one about leaving no tern unstoned.

Third runner-up: A protest sign outside a Kanye West concert: Hope All Who Enter Here Abandon Ye. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: Her profile said she was one of a kind, but she turned out to be kind of a 1. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you give a fish a man, he eats for a month. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

And the winner of the L for Loser iron-on patch:
Why do men believe they're so good at making love? Because the women they love are so good at making believe. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Dimmer Switches: Honorable mentions
Trump's offering the country not a New Deal, but a Do Kneel! (Ed Gordon, Austin)

What do you call an arrogant Broadway actor with a single award? A one-Tony prick. (Chris Doyle)

On a first date, one may reasonably anticipate a peck on the kisser, but not a kiss on the pecker. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A snail was giving thought to crossing the road, but she was a big procrastinator. So what happened? A big crow passed and ate her. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Cigar but no clothes. -- B. Clinton (Jesse Frankovich)

How was Linda Lovelace different from Linda Tripp? The first was a porn star, while the second a Starr pawn. (Chris Doyle)

An infield home run -- were those guys in Nats caps taking catnaps? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Did you hear that the sperm bank is closing because of its string of lousy donors? They're having a fire sale after the sire fail. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

We've gone from facts determining opinions to opinions determining facts. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

What did Humpty Dumpty tell the horses and men who were trying to put his yolk and white back together? "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The scion of the Listerine fortune is a real heir of fresh breath. (Jesse Frankovich)

Kevin was Speaker of the House, but he never learned the hows of the Speaker. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

King Charles III disdains splashy royal processions and pageantry. After the obligatory coronation froufrou, he instructed his court, "Don't parade on my reign." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Mike Pence is in the "party of life," but he surely isn't the life of the party. (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)

It's said that certain bordellos in Prague have a policy in which johns must remit payment not just before the deed is done, but before they even arrive at the establishment. As they put it, the check must be in the mail before the male can be in the Czech. (Justin Stone, New York, a First Offender)

Sex with your mama was enjoyable, but it was spoiled the next morning by a fly in the ointment: I needed an ointment in the fly. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Show too much sex and violence, censors will have you vexed and silenced. (Sam Mertens)

A new mom was feeling down in the dumps because when her baby's diaper had slipped off onto the comforter there were dumps in the down. (Beverley Sharp)

Sometimes in a public restroom, you need to bum a wipe in order to wipe a bum. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Lennon-McCartney song "Can't Buy Me Love" was a flop in its original version, "Can't Love Me? Bye!" (Jonathan Jensen)

Did you hear that the ex-Nationals pitcher rushed into the stands to assault a heckler? Seems he could batter a fan as well as he could fan a batter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

What do you call Trump's hate mail? Jeer Don letters. (Jesse Frankovich)

When your lover hurts you, you're liable to go out and have an affair just out of spite. As the song says, your weepin' heart will make you cheat. (Jonathan Jensen)

The rich playboy finally got his comeuppance when he was convicted of sexual assault on a member of his household staff: They cooked his goose when he goosed his cook. (Jonathan Jensen)

The would-be thief was about to run off with some winter wear, but nope -- he was caught with his down pants. (Judy Freed)

What is a common rule at fundamentalist Bible camps? The Men Command Tents. (Chris Doyle)

Why did Hunter Biden get indicted? Gun of a son! (Jesse Frankovich)

Republicans work to ensure Democrats have problems in voting so that Republicans can keep voting in problems. (Michael Stein)

I know I'm short, but I'd rather be under six feet than six feet under. (Rob Cohen)

It's a hard-knock life. Had to move back in with my parents. Now if only I could get them to remember: It's a hard life! Knock! (Judy Freed)

And Last: You might get ink if your submission contains a wry idea. But you're more likely to get ink if your submission contains "diarrhea." (Mark Raffman)

The headline "Read Our Flips" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle and Jeff Contompasis each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 7: Our Week 39 contest for "tailgater" couplets in which you pair a line from a Bob Dylan song with a rhyming one of your own. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-39 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 39: Tailgating on the Highway
Pair a Dylan line with your own rhyming one. Plus winning 'backronyms.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 28, 2023
03 Crossroads Sign - Highway 61 - Delta Blues Museum - Shopping Cart

Come gather 'round, people . . . and try the new contest
Abe said, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
And God said, "On the Outer Loop, which is backed up from the John Hanson Highway to Route 1."

Johnny's in the basement, mixin' up the medicine
As I listen to this on antiquated vinyl technology invented by Thomas Alva Edison.

And it's a-hard, it's a-hard, it's a-hard, it's a-HARD *
* So, babe, let me slip you this stiff calling card.

This week's contest was suggested by Loser Jon Ketzner, who finds himself with a lot more Invite ink now that he's no longer under the thumb of the Washington Post Taste Police (see today's results, below, for example). Jon suggests a Dylan "tailgaters" contest: For Week 39: You choose a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then pair with your own rhyming line. Your line may either follow Dylan's real line or precede it. (Dylan himself does not have to have rhymed his line.)

The first example above was written by Dave Zarrow, for an old Style Invitational contest that had nothing to do, theme-wise, with Bob Dylan.

Most of Dylan's lyrics are conveniently online at bobdylan.com/songs, but they're also all over the Web.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-39. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. Please see this week's form for important formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 7, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 12.

The winner gets a bright red, surprisingly detailed squeeze "ball" in the shape of the human heart, featuring the logo of Philadelphia's Mutter Museum of medical history. Donated by 442-time Loser Dave Prevar, who picked it up on a Loserfest vacation weekend a few weeks ago.

You can sing your Dylan tailgater to organ accompaniment: This week's heart-gripping prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / ruminations / observations that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

Ask a question!

INK: Infamy, Not Kudos -- backronyms of Week 37
In Week 37 we asked for "backronyms" -- you choose a word or name, then treat it as an acronym, as if its letters stood for your description. These worked better when you opted to spell the word/name correctly, which many of you did. (Hint: The car isn't a "Telsa.")

Third runner-up: OPPENHEIMER: (1) Overcome Physics Problems. (2) Enable Nightmarish Human/ Environmental Incineration. (3) Miserably Express Remorse. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)

Second runner-up: 2024: 2 0minous 2 4tell (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: BEETLEJUICE: Breasts Embraced, Erection Tugged, Lauren (Elected Jackass) Ushered Into Colorado Evening (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

And the winner of the jesterish foam hat in Mardi Gras colors:
WRITERS' STRIKE: (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

(N)OTABLE (O)THER (P)ROUD (E)FFORTS:
Honorable mentions
MELANIA TRUMP: Marry, Eventually Leave, And Negotiate. I'll Acquire Tremendous Riches Under My Plan. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

LYCRA: Lets Yoga Classmates Regard Asses (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

X: Xhe Xeirdest Xndustrialist's Xemper Xantrum Xstablished Xebranding (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

FLORIDA: Funny Land Of Raging Idiots Dodging Alligators (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

IOWA: I'm Overwhelmingly White, America (overwhelmingly white Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

CHATGPT: College Help App: The Great Professor-Tricker (John Cherniavsky, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)

McCARTHY: Mismanaging Clown Car After Recruiting Those House Yutzes (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

KAMALA: Kept As My Advantageously Lackluster Alternative - J.R.B. (Kevin Dopart)

HAWAII: Heavenly Area With An Intermittent Inferno (Jon Gearhart)

HARLAN CROW: Helped Arrange Riskless Loan After Noticing Clarence's Rusty Old Winnebago (Chris Doyle)

BEER: Belly Expands, Erudition Retreats. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

CAT: Cunning Allergen Transmitter (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

GIRAFFE: Gee, I Really Am Fucking Freakishly Excellent (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

TUCKER: Twit Unctuously Cheers Kremlin, Encourages Racists (Duncan Stevens)

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Vicious, Lying And Dangerous, I Murder Indiscriminately. Russians! Please Understand This Is Necessary! (Stephen Gold, London)

LYFT: Look, Your Fare Tripled! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

SCOTUS: Six Conservatives Out To Upstage Scalia (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

SELF-DRIVING CAR: "Sleep! Enjoy Life! Fuhgedabout Driving! Rela-a-ax! I'm Very Into Navigating! (Glitches, Crashes Are Rare...)" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

SIGMUND FREUD: Sexual Innuendo Grand Master. "Unsurprisingly, Nocturnal Donut Frenzy Reflects Erotic Unconscious Desires" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

WOMAN: Weary Of Manspreaders And Neanderthals (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

OLIVES: Only Licorice Is Viler Entree Spoiler (Pam Shermeyer)

And Last: GENE: Generally Entertaining, Not Edifying (Janet Hlatky, Herndon, Va.)

The headline "INK: Infamy, Not Kudos" is by the infamous Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 30: Our Week 38 contest for witticisms using chiasmus -- sort of mirror image, like "If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-38 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (John Ketzner)
Examples: (Dave Zarrow)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 38: Cross Us Up
Mirror a phrase, more or less, in this week's wordplay contest. And we offer a certain respect and admiration for Trumpsters.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 21, 2023

Chi marks the spot in this week's wordplay contest . (Film Journal)

The Invitational, Week 38: Simultaneous, Explosive Chiasms
Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard)

If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway. (Dave Zarrow)

I'd rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte)

This week's contest is completely new and original, a lie that we justify to ourselves when it's been ten years or more since we ran a previous one. (In this case, twelve years.) For Week 38, write an original witticism containing a chiasmus -- a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, as in the examples above from a previous contest we don't officially acknowledge. It may be on any subject: philosophical, political, personal, pseudo-literary, phallic, etc. And it doesn't even have to begin with P.

For this contest, we are using the term "chiasmus" to include its Patty-Duke-like nearly identical cousin called antimetabole. In short, we will accept entries in which the words in the first half of a phrase or a sentence are directly transposed in the second half, or where the initial sounds are playfully altered and inverted, spoonerism-style. The most famous example of the first type is John F. Kennedy's "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." The most famous example of the second type, attributed to various wits, is "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Note: You may also use a word and its homonym (e.g., chased/chaste).

For more examples from The Time Before Memory, see here and here.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-38. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 30, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5.


The winner gets one of our most Loserly prizes ever: this iron-on patch, even though it was not made specifically for the Losers, the moniker that the social community of Invitational contestants gave themselves decades ago, in honor of the contest's prize for runner-ups at the time, a coveted T-shirt emblazoned "LOSER." The patch was found and donated by Loser Extraordinaire Jonathan Jensen, who probably has one of these tattooed on his chest.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Bless Their Hearts: Trumpster-positive thoughts from Week 36
In Invitational Week 36 we asked you to offer either respect or compassion for the many passionate admirers of Donald Trump.

Third runner-up:
Respect: No way would they vote for a guy who'd shoot someone on Third or Seventh Avenue. They've got standards, you know. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Respect: They've broadened their thinking -- they recently acknowledged that the Second Amendment does not guarantee all Hunters the right to bear arms. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
Respect: Given the old adage, Trumpsters must have achieved bliss! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the "Freudian Sips" coffee mug:
Compassion: Have you ever tasted snake oil? (Steve Smith)

EmPathetic: Honorable mentions
Respect / admiration
They alone have realized that Trump wasn't lying about his weight -- he just reported it in kilograms! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Trump supporters are admirably unselfish -- you could never accuse them of voting in their own interest. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

They've successfully contradicted Descartes' first principle: They don't, but still * they are! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

That MAGA hat really brings out the red in their zits. I'd almost say that it makes them pop, but it doesn't quite. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

They're so brave - even though they fear being raped and murdered by those people, they still eat at Taco Bell and Chipotle. (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece)

They know and understand God's immutable distinction between those who are permitted to grab genitals and those whose genitals are permitted to be grabbed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

You've got to admire people whose jobs won't be replaced by AI. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Unlike the Democrats, at least they truly believe their guy ought to be president in 2025. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Compassion
Playing the role of a big strong man in tears who meets Trump everywhere and calls him "sir" is so time-consuming and hard on the lacrimal ducts! (Duncan Stevens)

They'll have to settle for a low-rent version of "The Apprentice" called "The Apprehended," which shows Trump making prison deals, such as ramen for smokes. (Leif Picoult)

The bus that shuttles them between the D.C. Jail and courthouse never shows any good movies. (Duncan Stevens)

Nobody looks good in a brown shirt. (Kevin Dopart)

So many of them still must endure having their medical bills paid by Obamacare. (Steve Smith)

Alas, none of them will be permitted to selflessly serve Trump's jail time. (Steve Smith)

With all the different Trump trials coming up, there are so many jurors to stalk and threaten, so little time! (Duncan Stevens)

It's sad for them when they realize they're a -- ugh -- minority in this country. (Sam Mertens)

Crotch-grabbing and making little kissy sounds hasn't worked so well with the ladies after all. (Duncan Stevens)

It's such a challenge now to get your mistress an abortion. (Kevin Dopart)

They've spent half their money on funding Trump's legal defense, and soon they'll spend the other half on mailing him shiv-filled MyPillows. (Leif Picoult)

It must be a struggle to be proud of the January 6 "protests" even though they were obviously the work of Antifa. (Kevin Dopart)

It must be unnerving that Trump probably is still nine criminal charges short of what he needs to win the presidency. (Steve Smith)

So many all-you-can-eat buffets don't tell you they only mean it for the first four hours. (Sam Mertens)

They truly have no idea why so many of their friends and family members have died over the past three years. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Ode to the Trumpsters (a parody of Stephen Sondheim's "Sorry-Grateful")
(Video of Judy Freed performing it)
I'm truly sorry that you're so hateful.
No use denying what makes you tick - just one big dic * tator.
You don't live with him. You do live for him.
You're scared they're gonna lock him away. We only pray.

Good people scorn you, He does too.
It must not be easy being you.

And so I'm sorry you're not regretful.
Why do I bother? You've all gone dim.
Your karmic footprint is looking grim,
Which has something to do -- no, all to do with him.

He'll always be what he always was,
So I'm sorry you fall for everything he does.
I want nothing to do with all to do with him.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And Last: We should admire and respect Trump supporters! After all, aren't they losers with a capital L, too? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline "Bless Their Hearts" is by Beverley Sharp; Beverley also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 23: Our Week 37 contest for backronyms -- you treat a name as an acronym and tell us what phrase it "stands for." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-37.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (David Kleinbard; Dave Zarrow; Tom Witte)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Jonathan Jensen)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 37: Do You Have to Spell It Out for Us?
You do. Give us 'backronyms.' Plus severed-body-parts 'Muldoon' verses.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 14, 2023

Help Us Morons Misuse Earth's Resources: Clearly what the name of this vehicle stands for, right? It's time for another backronym contest, below

We're Baaaaack*. The New Contest
HUMMER: Help Us Morons Misuse Earth's Resources (Elwood Fitzner)

METRO: More Efficient Than Renting Oxen (Michael Reinemer)

SNOWDEN: Spy, Nerd Or Whistleblower, Drives Everyone Nuts (Gary
Crockett)

WAR AND PEACE: Who Actually Reads All Ninety Dozen Pages? Eggheads -- And Counterfeit Eggheads. (Melissa Balmain)

For Invitational Week 37: Take the name of any person, place, or thing and write a snarky description of it by using each of its letters, in order, as the first letters of your snark, as in the examples above, which were taken from long-ago Style Invitational results. It's been seven years since we last did this.

For guidance and inspiration -- and to be sure you're not using a joke someone else already got ink for -- check out our previous Style Invitational backronym results: Week 632 (2005); Week 1025 (2013); and Week 1169 (2016). (Scroll down past each of those weeks' new contests.) We'll be partial to contemporary references, but not dismissive of others, if they are good.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-37. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 23, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 28.

The winner gets a plush foamy jesterish hat in Mardi Gras colors, in plenty of time for you to contrive some clever purpose for it as part of a Halloween costume. Brand new and donated by the Ever-Donatin' Dave Prevar.


Be just as jolly as this mannequin with this week's festive prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity. We have one today.

Arse Poetica: Winning 'Muldoons' from Week 35
In Week 35 we asked you to write what we called Muldoons, in honor of the wonderfully alliterative Pulitzer prizewinning Princeton poet Paul P. Muldoon, who once wrote Muldoons, and/or something very much like them. A Muldoon had to be four lines long and include (1) a geographical location -- a term that we were generous enough to accept "the Underworld," but not Mar-a-Lago, Sotheby's or "the produce aisle" -- and (2) two body parts; and (3) at least one rhyme. Also, we do not believe Mr. Muldoon's middle name begins with a P, but we liked the continued alliteration.

Third runner-up:
He unpacked his bag and unbuttoned his coat;
He had a red nose and a very sore throat.
So no one got presents and no one got coal;
'Twas the first case of Covid to hit the North Pole.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Second runner-up:
In New York he was famed
For smart anti-crime stands,
Now Rudy can't pinpoint
His ass with both hands.
(Stephen Gold, London)

First runner-up:
The Michelin Man was pale and wan, so to his face I spoke:
"You are so fun and jolly -- why not cheer us with a joke?"
"I've been on worldwide jaunts to all the company's suppliers.
I just flew in from Katmandu, and boy, are my arms tires."
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the pen with the poop emoji that pops off the top:
The task of eating pizza in New York
Is done with hands, and never knife and fork.
Don't break the rules and cause a massive eye roll --
Just fold it up and shove it in your piehole.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Nothin' 'doon: Honorable mentions
An ogre from the Underworld had feelings most unpleasant:
"My reflux has come back -- I couldn't eat another peasant!
My eyes were bigger than my tum,' digestion's not so spry.
I ought to chew before I gulp --" Then he heaved a heavy thigh.
(Jonathan Paul)

A farmer hailed an alien whose spaceship came to Earth,
He shook the creature's giant hand for all that he was worth.
The strange being screamed as if he suffered a great harm.
"Uh-oh," thought the farmer, "I don't think that was his arm."
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

In Fulton County they snapped his mug
in a look unpresidential.
If the trial be fair, then his derriere
soon will be there, residential.
(Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender)

On the Texas frontier, he rides up to my rear,
Says my ass is so lovely to stare at.
So I bid him draw near, and I say in his ear,
"If you like you can give it a carrot."
(Jonathan Paul)

It's not his heart.
It's not his head.
Mitch froze in D.C.
From existential dread.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

When reporting to the court he claimed a weight of 215.
The clerk said, "With all due respect, you don't appear that lean."
"I got weighed last week in Palm Beach!" declared defendant Trump.
The clerk asked, "Did that sum include your belly and your rump?"
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)

An actress of the California kind
Lost face when people laughed at her behind.
"My tuchus has begun to sag, I fear:
I'll need a surgeon to bring up the rear."
(Beverley Sharp)

In Paradise, Nevada, on a cool November night,
When Holyfield and Tyson got together for a fight,
The referee yelled, "Stop! This bout's gone seriously south!"
"Huh, what'd you say?" Evander cried. "My ear is in his mouth!"
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

I offer a riddle: can you name the mollusk
That's often discovered on Washington beaches?
A "duck" without wings, just one very long foot,
Which resembles the phallus of mammalian creatures.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)


A urologist's finger.
A prostate massage.
Spermatozoa
Erupt like Krakatoa.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A man from Muskogee desired a fresh start;
Went into the hospital for a new heart.
"Oh, no!" cried the surgeon, who said with a shiver,
"My scalpel just slipped -- hope he's fond of chopped liver."
(Beverley Sharp)

A bumbling doc from Dubuque
Was retrained by the med school at Duke.
The dean was impressed and said, "Wow --
He knows his glutes from his cubitus now."
(Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

On the beach in Daytona one year on spring break,
She caught my eye and made my knees quake.
I kissed her sweet lips; their taste seemed to linger.
I gave her my heart but she gave me the finger.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

I dreamed I was a Labrador retriever.
My wife said, "Yes, I know," and I said "What?"
With twinkling eyes, she said I should believe her --
Last night in bed, I turned and sniffed her butt.
(Mark Raffman)

A would-be poet lived in Spain;
In vain he daily strained his brain.
But all his efforts were kaput:
He didn't have a metric foot. (Beverley Sharp)

At Kentucky Fried Chicken, I said, "Here to eat!
But I've major aversions to undercooked meat.
Are your leg pieces fully cooked through, every one?"
"Oh, yes," they assured me. "Sir, thigh will be done."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Some devils went down to Georgia
Lookin' to put a thumb on the scale
They were in a bind, their candidate behind --
Now their asses are headin' to jail. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

That Captain in Neverland's in for a shock --
He's about to encounter that croc with the clock.
At the end of the day, he'll need more than a peg:
The bloodbath will cost him an arm and a leg. (Beverley Sharp)

Hot ruby lips, mascaraed eyes,
A penchant for outrageous lies.
Who knew a drag queen from Brazil
Could steal the show on Capitol Hill? (Jonathan Jensen)

The Galapagos Islands -- a natural museum!
So get off your butt and make haste to go see 'em.
But don't look for diamonds or sapphires or rubies;
Just keep your eyes open (in case you like boobies). (Beverley Sharp)

Her eyes shine bright as planet Venus --
A perfect match, say those who've seen us.
Her accent will not come between us
When she says she wants "ha-penis." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Said the Limerick lady, "This verse
Makes me sick to my stomach, or worse.
It's a pain in the brain
To write a quatrain.
(With no fifth line, the thing's just too terse.)" (Mark Raffman)

And Last: To the Empress:
I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as your knee.
Your elbow crests fair Beauty's arc.
(Please send my prize to Garrett Park.)
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

The headline "Arse Poetica" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jonathan Paul; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 16: Our Week 36 contest for reasons to be respectful and compassionate toward Trumpers. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-36.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Elwood Fitzner; Michael Reinemer; Gary Crockett; Melissa Balmain)
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jonathan Paul)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 36: U * TFG's BFFs
Plus winning 'mirthdays,' finding parallels between two people with the same birthday.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 7, 2023

(Picture highlighting the haircuts of Boris Johnson and Moe Howard)
June 19 birthday boys Boris Johnson and Moe Howard, brought to our attention
by Loser Kevin Dopart. See more natal-day linkages in today's results below.

Okay, now for the new contest. For Invitational Week 36: We are asking all of you to reach out to beleaguered Trump supporters and bathe them in the warmth of your love, to help bind the nation's wounds. More details below, but first, to get you in the mood, here is a song written and performed by veteran Loser Jonathan Jensen, who plays string bass in the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD1U3cs0yio

Back to the notion of loving Trump lovers: There are two categories of entries we will accept:
1. A reason to feel compassion for Trumpers in this difficult time, and
2. A reason to respect and admire them.
Examples:

Compassion: Have you seen how much bootleg ivermectin costs these days?

Respect: They're admirably loyal to their guy, just like that nutcake rabbi who was imploring Nixon not to resign even while the escape helicopter was already on the White House lawn and the president was having animated, paranoid conversations with paintings of previous presidents.

This contest was suggested by Tom the Butcher (aka Tom Shroder).

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-36. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 16, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 21.

The winner gets a very nice coffee mug labeled Freudian Sips. Donated by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Freudian Sips
Best enjoyed with just a cigar. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Same-Day Deliveries: Shared birthdays from Week 34
In Week 34, we asked you to link two people who have or had the same birthday.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! With the insane amount of ink he earns this week -- a personal-best six entries -- Roy Ashley, a Loser since 1995 who turned 81 last month, boings with a hop, skip and jump right into the Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th inking entry, becoming its seventeenth member. Roy's first ink was in a contest for Bad Analogies: "The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy!' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

The world's youngest-looking octogenarian: Roy Ashley, Loser since Week 120, at the Invitational's 2019 Flushies awards.
Mirthdays:

Third runner-up: Zinedine Zidane (born 6-23-1972): That headbutt! Clarence Thomas (6-23-1948): That butthead! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up: Richard Roundtree (7-9-1942): Shaft. Courtney Love (7-9-1964): Hole. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up: Albert Einstein (3-14-1879) and Simone Biles (3-14-1997): They're both flippin' geniuses! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of either a cake baked by the Empress or a pair of tiny biting-shark earrings: Robert M. "Fighting Bob" Lafollette Sr. (6-14-1855) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946): One was a champion of working stiffs, the other's a champion of stiffing workers. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Twinners & Losers: Honorable mentions
Joe Arpaio (6-14-1932) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946):
Higgledy piggledy,
Joseph Arpaio, the
Toughest American
Sheriff was he,
Famous for being a
Hyperfanatical
Immigrant hunter and
Trump pardonee.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Neither Al Gore (3-31-1948) nor Chlodwig, Prince of Hohenlohe-Schillingsfurst (3-31-1819), invented the internet. (Kevin Dopart)

Hugh Grant (9-9-1960) and Joe Theismann (9-9-1949): Break a leg! (Roy Ashley)

Carlo Gambino (8-24-1902) and Cal Ripken Jr. (8-24-1960): Both reliably produced hits. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Saint Nicholas (3-15-270) gave money to the needy. Seventeen hundred years later, Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) took it back. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Andrew Jackson (3-15-1767) and Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) are both known for trails of tears. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bob Fosse (6-23-1927): "All That Jazz." Alfred Kinsey (6-23-1894): All that jizz. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Spanish soccer coach Luis Rubiales (8-23-1977) says he momentarily lost his head; Louis XVI (8-23-1754) could relate. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Warren Beatty (3-30-1937) and Secretariat (3-30-1970): Two guys who scored with a lot of fillies. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Richard Nixon (1-9-1913) and "Gilligan's Island" actor Bob Denver (1-9-1935) were both at the center of terrible plots. (Jesse Frankovich)

Humphrey Bogart (12-25-1899) and Ghislaine Maxwell (12-25-1961): "Here's looking at you, kid" had very different meanings for the two of them. (Michael Stein)

David Hasselhoff (7-17-1952) worked surrounded by big boobs. Camilla Parker Bowles (7-17-1947) works along just one big boob. (Roy Ashley)

Sylvester Stallone (7-6-1946) was known for a "Rocky" portrayal. George W. Bush (also 7-6-1946) was known for Iraqi betrayal. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Charles Barkley (2-20-1963): "The Round Mound of Rebound." Sen. Mitch McConnell (2-20-1942): The Lie Guy of KY. (Jesse Frankovich)

Michael Jordan (2-17-1963) and Trump toady Rep. Jim Jordan (2-17-1964):
Two Jordans born this day: one full of grace,
Who swooped around the court with skill that's rare,
And one whose "Biden bribes, a slam-dunk case!"
Consists, it always seems, of only Air.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Actor Verne Troyer (1-1-1969) and golfer Leonard Thompson (1-1-1969): Both had a good short game. (Leif Picoult)

Michelangelo (3-6-1475) and Shaquille O'Neal (3-6-1972): Only one of them needs a ladder to paint a ceiling. (Michael Stein)

Because of undying devotion, Gladys Knight (5-28-1944) rode the midnight train to Georgia; Rudy Giuliani (also 5-28-1944) took a plane. (Steve Smith; Leif Picoult)

Boxers Rocky Marciano (9-1-1923) and James "Gentleman Jim" Corbett (9-1-1866):
Inside the ring, from bout to bout,
They met their foes and knocked 'em out!
So why's 9/1 the date they share?
12/26 seems much more fair.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Philosopher Rene Descartes (3-31-1596) and poet Octavio Paz (3-31-1914): "I think, therefore iamb." (Dan Sachs, Pineville, N.C.)

Georges Seurat (12-2-1859): A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of Grande Jatte. Aaron Rodgers (12-2-1983): A Sunday Afternoon on the Field of Green Jets. (Jesse Frankovich)

Christopher Columbus (10-31-1451): Made a daring trip and set foot in a new world; Apollo 11's Michael Collins (10-31-1930): Made a daring trip and * well, close. (Beverley Sharp)

Cleavon Little (6-1-1939) and Yevgeny Prigozhin (6-1-1951)
Cleavon Little gained fame as a sheriff named Bart
In a flick that promoted the campfire fart.
While avoiding all tea and tall buildings, Prigozhin
Overlooked a quite different kind of explosion.
(Chris Doyle)

Thomas Edison (2-11-1847) and Alex Jones (2-11-1974): Known for illumination and the opposite. (Michael Stein)

Bruce Springsteen (9-23-1949) and Caesar Augustus (9-23-63 B.C.): Augustus was the Boss for only 42 years. (Kevin Dopart)

Jazzman Steve Lacy (7-23-1934) blew the sax really well. Monica Lewinsky (7-23-1973) knew a sax player really well. (Kevin Dopart)

Lou Gehrig (6-19-1903) and Moe Howard (6-19-1897) were among the 1930s' top hitters. (Kevin Dopart)

Comedian Rowan Atkinson (1-6-1955): Mr. Bean. Comedian and Maxwell House shill Danny Thomas (1-6-1912): Mr. Coffee Bean. (Roy Ashley)

Bob Barker (12-12-1923) and Frank Sinatra (12-12-1915):
(To "New York, New York")
Start comin' on down! You're playing today!
I am the handsome host of it-- "The Price Is Right"!
These prizes astound -- how much would you say?
Bid close but don't go over it-- The Price Is Right!

You want to be up on the stage with the big star,
And find you're spinning the wheel! Winning a car!

A showcase profound we're giving away
To you who gets most close to it-- The Price Is Right!
Please help my pet crusade -- make sure to get them spayed!
It's up to you! The Price Is Right! (Jesse Frankovich)

Voldemort actor Ralph Fiennes (12-22-1962) played someone almost as evil and creepy as Ted Cruz (12-22-1970). (Jesse Frankovich)

John Locke (8-29-1632): Prominent Enlightenment figure. Michael Jackson (8-29-1958): Prominent lightenment figure. (Jesse Frankovich)

Julia Child (8-15-1912) and Trump finance guy Allen Weisselberg (8-15-1947): One is a writer of cookbooks, the other a writer of cooked books. (Michael Stein)

Vladimir Putin (10-7-1952) and Penthouse Pet Bree Olson (10-7-1986) have appeared topless in major American magazines. (Kevin Dopart)

Golf legend Bobby Jones (3-17-1902) and Stormy Daniels (3-17-1979):
He strode the fairways and the greens,
While she appeared in bedroom scenes.
But each pursued a single goal:
To get it quickly in the hole.
(Mark Raffman)

George Soros (8-12-1930) and Willie Horton (8-12-1951) both helped Republican candidates raise millions. (Steve Smith)

Muhammad Ali (1-17-1942) and Al Capone (1-17-1899):
With blazing fists and Tommy guns
These two men felled their foes.
Ali made boxers hit the mat,
While Al's opponents just fell flat
And never more arose.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Hermann Goring (1-12-1893) and Rush Limbaugh (1-12-1951): Actually, I don't see any similarities at all. (Roy Ashley)

Frank Gifford (8-16-1930) and Kathie Lee Gifford (8-16-1953): Gee, with a shared birthday and the same last name, you'd think that maybe these two should have hooked up! (Roy Ashley)

Cher (5-20-1946) and Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (5-20-1959): If they'd sung a duet, they'd have looked like the number 10. (Jon Ketzner)


Ron DeSantis (9-14-1978) and Amy Winehouse (9-14-1983)
(To "Rehab")
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
Polls are low, low, low.
Suck up to Trump? You look like a chump,
And faux, faux, faux.
In a hole so deep, won't even make the stakes of veep.
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
You're out of dough, dough, dough. (Duncan Stevens)

Joanne Woodward (2-27-1930): Devotedly married to the same man for 50 years. Elizabeth Taylor (2-27-1932): Uh, wasn't. (Steve Smith)

Mathematician Jacques Tits (8-12-1930): Famous for the Tits metric." Country singer Porter Wagoner (8-12-1927): Famously boosted the career of Dolly Parton. (Steve Smith)

And Last: Sting (10-2-1951): "Can't Stand Losing You." Gene Weingarten (the very same date): "Can't stand you, Loser." (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: William Shakespeare (4-23-1564) and Judy Freed (4-23-1966):
He wrote with lofty eloquence.
She has a simpler mind.
His words are brilliant poetry.
She's limerick-inclined.
In schools worldwide his works are read;
Their meanings one must teach.
No class is needed for the Loser-
Bard of Deerfield Beach. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The headline "Same-Day Deliveries" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 9: Our Week 35 contest for Muldoons, four-line verses that mention two body parts and a geographical name, and have at least one rhyme. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-35.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Tom Shroder)
Examples: (Jonathan Jensen)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1532:(Kevin Dopart)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 35: Doody and Muldoon
Plus 'Jeopardy!' -- the winning questions for our wacko answers
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 31, 2023

Week 35: A Brand New Contest!
I open my eyes --
Las Vegas! How nice!
But I'm missing a kidney
And packed in ice.

--

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes."
That's how the kiddy ditty goes.
(In Jersey, Mob tots end with this take:
"Now cut 'em off and throw 'em in the lake.")

For Invitational Week 35: Write a Muldoon, a four-line poem that features at least two body parts and a place name, and at least one rhyme.

We officially declare this a new contest. We actually did run it once before, during the first George W. Bush administration, but that was so long ago we declare that one deceased and erased from the records.

Muldoons were invented many years ago by the wonderfully alliterative Pulitzer Prizewinning Princeton Poet Paul Muldoon. As in the two examples above (the first by Jennifer Hart in 2003, the second by the Czar twenty years later) each poem must be a single quatrain with at least one rhyme. It must contain references to at least two body parts and one geographical location. The meter can be scattershot.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-35. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 9, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 14.

The winner gets this nifty pen with a poop emoji that pops off into the air at the push of a button. If you happen to see the photo of President Obama signing the Affordable Care Act, look closely and you'll see that this pen was exactly like the one he used that day. Donated by six-time Loser Cheryl White.

No description available.
Until the invention of the typewriter, Invitational entries were written with one of these.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Q It Yourself: Ask Backwards winners from Week 33
In Week 33, as we are wont to do, we offered a list of oddball "answers" and you supplied the questions -- more than 700 of them -- Jeopardy-ish style. For "No-Hit Wonder," too many Losers to credit asked, "What did they call Stevie in Little League?" while a slew of entrants predicted that the 2024 Pantone Color of the Year would be something like Jumpsuit/Skin Orange.

Third runner-up:
A. Only black licorice.
Q. Is it true Florida wants to ban licorice at Disney World? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Second runner-up:
A. Florida Dog.
Q. What dog got bitten by its owner? (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
A. The Dirty Baker's Dozen:
Q, Which pastries are filled with dulce de lech? (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the cute sloth tea infuser:
A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. What's more plausible than "Donald Trump, 6-foot-3, 215 pounds"? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Blowing an Ask-It: Honorable mentions
A. Florida Dog:
Q. Between Florida Man and Florida Dog, who is better able to resist licking his crotch in public? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Q. Who is now protected, by law, from groomers? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Q. Who chases cars head-on? (Kevin Dopart)

Q, Who is not allowed to sniff another dog's butt if it's the same gender? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Q. What's another name for the yoga position Head Up Your Ass? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Q. Who's a dumb boy? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *

A. 100 cats in a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment:
Q. What's the best remedy for Covid smell loss? (Pam Shermeyer)

Q. What smells like Steve Bannon looks? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Q. What listing can you find on Hairbnb? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco; Steve Smith)

Q. What would allow a Proud Boy to honestly say, "I'm getting a lot of pussy"? (Mark Raffman)

A. Arguably, they're the same:
Q. What's the difference between a satirical article about the Trump administration and a descriptive article about the Trump administration? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Q. What's the difference between bathtub caulk and American cheese? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

A. Barbie, Ken, and Kamala:
Q. On which pronunciation quiz did Tucker Carlson score 66.67? (Mark Raffman)

Q. What are more valuable when kept boxed up? (Kevin Dopart)

A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. Who is the only recipient of a doctorate in phoniness? (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Q. Who received the first honorary degree bestowed by the Clorox School of Medicine? (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Q. Who hired a team of lawyers to defend his thesis, and then stiffed them on the tab? (Mark Raffman)

Q. Whose dissertation had footnotes citing the source "A lot of people are saying"? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; Duncan Stevens)

Q. Who uses the abbreviation for "Phenomenal Dictator"? (Rob Cohen)

Q. Who got his doctorate in uncivil engineering? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

A. Heirloom Twinkies:
Q. What can you find in the snack aisle next to the locally grown Ding Dongs? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Q. What did Elon Musk pay $2 billion for? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

A. No-Hit Wonder:
Q. What would we have called the Baha Men if the dogs had stayed in? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What's simultaneously an appropriate and inappropriate nickname for Shohei Ohtani? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What do you call someone who can get high just walking past the dispensary? (Gary Crockett)

A. Only black licorice:
Q. What is the candy equivalent of well-done steak with ketchup? (Dan Helming)

Q. Is there a food that will not work as rat bait? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Q. What is worse than the day when your wife leaves, your business partner takes all of the money that your wife didn't, and your dog dies? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

(Note: Both the Czar and the Empress actually like black licorice. Please send all your unwanted black jelly beans to the E.)

A. Ploppenheimer:
Q. Who is most likely to create a weapon of ass destruction? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A. Oppenhopper:
Q. What did they name the first atomic-powered pogo stick? (Mark Raffman)

Q. Who stars with Bugs Bunny in the 1945 short "Gone Fission"? (Mike Gips)

Q. What do Los Alamos residents call a five-legged frog? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Q. What was Kermit's role in "The Muppets Take Manhattan Project"? (Jeff Contompasis)

The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year:
Q. What is Freshly Picked Cotton? -- R. DeSantis (Steve Smith)

Q. What will be Whatta Maroon? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Q. What is Cell-a-Don? (Barbara Turner)

Q. What announcement sparked an "All Colors Matter" protest? (Judy Freed)

A. A bad idea for an Invitational contest:
Q. What is "Come up with funny twelve-digit numbers"? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What is "Tell us some funny Holocaust 'equivalencies'"? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Q. What is add "buttfuck" to a movie title and describe the new movie's plot? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Q. What is an annual contest to write a poem about somebody born the preceding year? (Jesse Rifkin)

Q. What is "Make up funny limericks using the names and addresses of the Georgia grand jurors"? (Mark Raffman)

Q. What are insulting Pakistani names for Indian food? (Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Q It Yourself" is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 2: Our Week 34 contest to link two people who share a birthday. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-34.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jennifer Hart)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Beverly Sharp)
Prize: (Cheryl White)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 34: A Mirthday Party
Link two people who share a birthday. Plus winning 'ho-' limericks.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 24, 2023

Born on Oct. 2: Mohandas Gandhi, of great works, and Stinky Rat, of lousy twerks.

Okay, here comes the new Invitational, suggested in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook Group by Claire Keeler. For Week 34: Make some humorous connection, in verse or otherwise, between two people, living or dead, who share the same birthday. You can find coincidental birthdays all over the internet; we had luck Googling, not in quotes, things like famous birthdays Sept 15.

Mohandas K. Gandhi and StinkyRatTicTok
For both Mahatma Gandhi and this twerking can of corn
Fame arrived, approached and beckoned.
(Plus, we note that both were born
On October the second.)

We disclose that Oct. 2 also happens to be the birthday of the Invitational Czar, which deftly leads to the Czar's alternative example, not in rhyme, coinciding with the Nov. 24 birthday of the Empress: "Pat Myers and former Beatle drummer Pete Best: Both vanished into ignominy and irrelevance because of unwise career choices."

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-34. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 2, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 7.

The winner gets a birthday cake from a mix. Pick it up at the Empress's house, Mount Vermin. Alternatively, the Empress will eat the cake in your honor and you get instead a pair of teeny earrings of a shark chewing on your earlobe. They're on order but are supposed to look something like this.

Photo from Kawaiiandcute2008 on Etsy. Ours didn't cost $46.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Ho-word Bound: Winning limericks from Week 32
In our 20th annual Limerixicon -- our first since being freed of the requirement not to offend any Washington Post readers -- we asked you to create limericks featuring words beginning with "ho-." We received perhaps a hundred honorably honed five-liners, hundreds more ho-hums, and a few dozen horrids. Now that we're announcing the results, feel free to submit your ho- limericks -- inking or not -- to OEDILF.com, the Omnificent English Dictionary. (If you did get ink here, note that with your submission.)

Third runner-up:
For Matt Groening, success arrived slow.
Would he make it? The answer seemed no.
But then one day he drew
Homer Simpson and knew
From then on, he'd be rolling in d'oh!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
The trailer for Maestro is out,
And now Hollywood's talking about
A prosthesis so grand
The Academy's planned
For the Oscar to go to a snout.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Since Grandma was sick, nearly dead,
I poured thoroughbred pee in her bed.
When her doctor found out,
His response was to shout,
"You should put her in HOSPICE, I said!"
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the two Bigfoot car air fresheners:
All the African countries, he tells
Us, are cesspools -- a fact that compels
Us to note we can take
The word "shitholes" and make,
With its letters, the phrase "HIS HOTELS."
(Chris Doyle)

Ho- contraire: Honorable mentions

On a yacht, in a luxury suite,
You can hobnob among the elite,
And the happiest thing:
They're all super-right-wing!
And they say, "Justice T, it's our treat!"
(Mark Raffman)

*What they use in the food that we call
A hot dog is apt to appall.
Lips and gristle add taste
To the mystery paste;
Nothing's wasted -- the wiener takes all.
(Jesse Frankovich)

In Philly, a kid from Muskogee
Called ladies "old hag!" gents "old fogey!"
Shrugged the locals, "Let live!"
But they couldn't forgive
When he ordered a "sub," not a hoagie.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Said the critic on "Horror Film Chatter":
"All the recent flicks couldn't fall flatter.
Though resplendent in blood,
The plots land with a thud --
I'm just partial to mind over splatter."
(Mark Raffman)

Even though you've done national harm,
I will toast you with requisite smarm
For the added excitement
Of your latest indictment --
Here's hoping the fourth time's the charm.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

A horse who appeared in dismay
Found a bar and walked in. Right away,
The guy tending the place
Asked him, "Why the long face?"
He replied: "I proposed. She said neigh."
(Jesse Frankovich)

"Today, I would like to begin on
The charges you soon will put spin on:
Your ludicrous claim
About witch hunts is lame,
So eff you and that hoax you rode in on."
(Chris Doyle)

Even though he'd no interest in money,
Greedy Winnie-the-Pooh got a gun; he
Went into a store
And yelled, "Down on the floor!
It's a robbery! Show me the honey!"
(Jesse Frankovich)

My kid's teachers now all go by Mx.
Well and good - we're no MAGA-hat hx!
Yet I've nary a clue
How to say it -- this new
Honorific puts me in a fx.
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A hoe can be used among roses,
While a ho strikes some come-hither poses.
One makes garden tracks
While one jumps in all sacks,
But both homonyms work next to "hoses."
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What makes Holmes so exhausted he's plotzin'?
No, it's not his untangling the knots in
Each mystery and crime,
But the hours of time
That it takes to explain them to Watson.
(Chris Doyle)

"It's a hoax!" is the best line you've got
When your other defenses look shot.
Though the snowflakes won't buy it,
Your base will -- just try it!
(Oh, also say "Hunter" a lot.) -- D.J.T.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

There once was a resident horndog
Who frequently misused a corndog.
She tended to slide it
Where no one should hide it
Until it became quite a worn dog.
(Leif Picoult)

Who plays hockey? The hardiest souls!
While they're out on the ice scoring goals,
It's more odds than bad luck
They'll get hit with the puck,
So instead of some teeth they've got holes.
(Mark Raffman)

We gorge on the fattiest chow,
Like fried hog maws and bowls of kung pao,
Food that's dripping with grease.
We are uber-obese --
In the midst of Aporkalypse Now.
(Chris Doyle)

An optometrist working in Guelph
Had a grinder attached to a shelf.
Made a horrible squeal
When he fell on the wheel
And a spectacle out of himself.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The priest told the plumber, "A bit
Of an unpleasant smell. I admit
That the john, so to speak,
Hasn't flushed in a week."
"Yes, I see," plumber said. "Holy shit!"
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

On our first wedded night, there were scenes:
My new bride wriggled out of her jeans
And revealed her bare rear
With a sticky gold smear.
"No, that's not, dear, what honeymoon means."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


Jesse Frankovich used his prize Week 28 Wicked Witch of the East socks at a soccer match. He's looking for ruby cleats.

Said the pirate, his arm feeling sore
From a horrible moment of gore,
"I am going to look
For a suitable hook
In my neighborhood second-hand store."
(Jesse Frankovich)

For a Valentine's Day sweet surprise,
I got Twinkies -- a box, jumbo size.
So endlessly thrilling,
That sweet Hostess filling!
Now I wear his love on my thighs.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"What's that smell that your work boots secrete?"
"Ankle-deep at the beer plant, my sweet,
Were those bittering flowers--
The cleanup took hours!
So that's why I've got hoppy feet."
(Duncan Stevens)

This limerick's really a little
Bit silly--it's hollow -- so it'll
Be missing the part in the middle. (Jesse Frankovich, gets 0.6 ink.)

The headline "Ho-word Bound" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 26: Our Week 33 Ask Backwards contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-33.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Claire Keeler)
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 33: Ask Backwards XLII
We give the answers. You give the questions. Plus winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 17, 2023

The answer: 100 cats in a two-bedroom apartment. What's the question? See below. (Collage/jigsaw puzzle by Sergey Taran, PXPuzzles.com)

Okay, good. Now, the Invitational.

Q Cards: It's Ask Backwards, Week 33
100 cats in a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment.
Only black licorice.
Barbie, Ken, and Kamala.
Ploppenheimer.
Oppenhopper.
No-Hit Wonder.
Heirloom Twinkies.
Donald Trump, PhD.
Arguably, they're the same.
The Dirty Baker's Dozen.
The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year.
Florida Dog.
A bad idea for an Invitational contest.

The last time The Invitational ran this contest, last November, it was unceremoniously yanked out from under us by The Washington Post -- in a still unexplained rush to be rid of the Invite so quickly that we never had a chance to run the results.

We are indomitable. We fear nothing. We carry on. For Week 33: Above are the new answers; you follow them with the funny questions. Please use this Jeopardy-ish format: For each entry, first type the answer as above, followed by your question, in one long line; in other words, don't push "Enter" between the answer and the question.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-33. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 26, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 31.

This week's winner gets a sloth tea infuser -- the cutest li'l sleepy-looking baby sloth that hangs over the rim of your teacup, basically peeing in the pool. Donated by Dave Prevar.

Slow Brew Sloth Tea Infuser
Clearly it could use a little more tea. This week's prize. (harryanddavid.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

The Rack Pack: New words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets
In Week 31 we once again asked you to coin your own words and phrases of six or seven letters from 33 old "racks" of the syndicated word game ScrabbleGrams. The Tile Invitational, we call it. Too many Losers to credit arranged EEMPRTU to TRUMPEE, variously described as a victim of scams, a victim of cruel policies, and toxic orange-tinged urine.

Third runner-up: ADHINPS > HIND SPA: A bidet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up: DEFIILM > DEMILF: To make your mother less attractive to your friends. "Mom, where's that bulky sweater with embroidered cats you look so good in?" (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: BEEGILL > LL BEIGE: The rap artist who wrote "Straight Outta Des Moines." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the bananaduck: AALMPSS > LAMP-ASS: What the cockroaches called the firefly. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ABHSTUW > HAW BUST: Honorable mentions
AAGILMY > MAGA-LY: "The current crop of Republican candidates try to present themselves as MAGA-ly as possible." (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

AAGILMY > GAYMAIL: Not sure what it is, but you definitely can't send or receive it in Florida. (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)

AALMPSS > A.M. SLAPS: An alarm clock for people who really have trouble waking up. No snooze button on this baby! (Tom Witte)

AALMPSS > ASS LAMP: What you need when you think maybe that's your elbow. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

AALMPSS > LAP MASS: The male package. "I dated Ralph for a while, but he was lacking in lap mass." (Tom Witte)

AALMPSS > ALMPASS: To surreptitiously move the collection plate along without adding to it. (Jeff Contompasis)

AALMPSS > ASL-SPAM: A novel way to annoy deaf people. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

AALMPSS > MAP LASS: The new Scots option on Siri. "Aye, Map Lass, find me the way to Gowkthrapple." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

AAWHSND: WAND ASH: The unfortunate ending of "Harry Potter and the Attempt to Roast Marshmallows." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ABHSTUW > WHAT USB?: A question you never want to hear after your spouse has cleaned out your office. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ABILLNP > BALL-NIP: A disqualifying combo touch when playing Twister. (Jon Carter)

ACCILNO > COAL INC: The conscience of Joe Manchin. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

ACCILNO > LOIN AC: A string bikini. (Beverley Sharp)

ADDILMN > DAMNLID: One of the many in your cabinet that fit no known container in your kitchen, but you don't dare throw away in case you ever find their mates. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

ADEGMNU > UGMEND: To add something awful. "The cake would have tasted great if she hadn't ugmended it with fennel seeds." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

ADEIMTY > DIET YAM: What can you serve along with Tofurky to ensure no one attends Thanksgiving at your house? (April Musser, Georgia)

ADHINPS > HADSNIP: Term for a neutered dog. "He's now a hadsnip, so he's happy to lie around the house even when the poodle across the street comes out." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

ADHINPS > ANDSHIP: A polyamorous liaison. "My cousin Bob is married but also in a serious andship with a woman from the office." (Karen Lambert)

ADHINPS > NADSHIP: A fraternity. (Neil Kurland)

AENNRTT > RANT, TEN: Part A of a review of a diatribe. "Rudy's hair-dye-dripping news conference received a 'Rant, ten; looks, three' from the press." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

AEUKLPM > PALM UKE: Instrument that Hawaiian teenage boys play instead of choking a chicken. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

AINOORT > TOON AIR: Unique weather condition in which the atmosphere can suspend a large animal over the ground right up to the moment when it foolishly looks down. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

AINRSTT > ARNTIST: Someone who's not exactly the second coming of Van Gogh: "My, your son's paintings are the work of a true arntist." (Frank Osen; Karen Lambert)

AINRSTT > TIN STAR: "What we should give to CAPTURED soldiers!" - D.J.T. (Steve Smith)

AMOOPRT > ARMPOOT: "Mom, look what Jimmy taught me today during recess!" (Sarah Walsh)

AUYDLRN > YALDUN: What a Southern waitress asks before clearing your table. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

BEEGILL > LE BILGE: What the wine snob deemed the chardonnay you served at dinner. (Jonathan Jensen)

BEEGILL > LIB GLEE: According to the GOP, the emotion experienced while grooming children, witch hunting, and destroying America. (Karen Lambert)

BEHINOP > HI. NOPE!: The world's shortest blind date. (Jonathan Jensen)

BEHINOP > HOPE BIN: The box of clothing where you put the clothes that you're sure will fit again next year. (Pam Sweeney)

BEHORTT > THORBET: The best-selling frozen treat in Barcelona. (Jon Carter)

BEHORTT > THROBE: Garment designed to discreetly cover swelling genitalia. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

CDEIISU > SUIDICE: A game whose goal is crapping out -- permanently. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

DEFIILM > DeMILF: A softcore schlock director. "With 'Roller Derby Nymphos,' Arturo officially became a Cecil B. DeMilf." (Frank Osen)

EGIMOST > SOGTIME: The period between combining milk with cereal and the latter turning to mush; with Rice Krispies, approximately 10 seconds. (Jeff Contompasis)

AOOPRTT > TOTO-RAP:
"You got the rains in Africa? I bless 'em
A hundred men or more could not repress 'em
So hear the drums, don't tell me my mind's narrow
I know the Serengeti ain't near Kilimanjaro." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

AOOPRTT > TOTO-RAP:
So proud to be my owner's pet
You mess wit' her, you might get wet
She'll melt your ass before she's through
So step off, witch, from her little dog too. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Because of a big ol' goof by the Empress, for about six hours after we posted this contest, the list of letter sets we offered was last year's. But that was just long enough for Janet Hlatky of Herndon, Va., to send in a whole list of entries, including this eminently inkworthy one: ABBMOST > BM BOAST: "Hello, Guinness Records? I've just made the biggest . . ." Janet earns a Fir Stink for her first ink.

The headline "The Rack Pack" is by Jesse Frankovich; "Q Cards," submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Nan Reiner, was the headline for the results of an earlier Ask Backwards contest. Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 19: Our Week 32 Limerixicon contest for limericks featuring words beginning "ho-." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-31.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:T:1551:(Kevin Dopart; Nan Reiner)
Add:H:1549:(Janet Hlatky)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 32: Holy moly, it's Limerixicon XX
Write a limerick featuring a word beginning "ho-." Plus winning ideas for stupid reader polls.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 10, 2023

HSUS Horseplay - HumaneWatch
This spectacular image relates to the limerick contest you will encounter very shortly after the long-awaited, Pulitzer Prize-winning appearance of our latest Gene Pool Gene Poll, below.
POLL
Which restaurant chain has the finest plasticware?
Arby's
Wendy's
Checkers
McDonalds
Burger King
125 VOTES . 16 HOURS REMAINING

Hello. Today, as with all Thursdays, we devote all our attention to The Invitational, including the above idiot poll, which relates to the results of our Week 30 contest, about idiot polls, the results of which will be revealed below. Yes, it's stupid. Take it, anyway. Your consensus might be valid!

In the meantime, here is a limerick about horsemeat and horsemeat byproducts written years ago by Brendan Beary, and which introduces our new contest, which involves limericks featuring words beginning with, um, "ho."

A new horsemeat to-do! There's no telling
That it's clear what our vendors are selling --
Like the sandwich I'd bought
From a truck, when I thought
"Filly cheesesteak" was just a misspelling!

Ever since a Midwestern knife seller named Chris Strolin embarked in 2004 on his Grand Mission to create a Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which every meaning of every word would be represented by a limerick, The Invitational has popped up once a year to help round up some prime material, seeking limericks beginning with whichever sliver of the alphabet OEDILF.com was up to. (Current estimated completion date: Nov. 3, 2063; current number of limericks: past 119,000.)

Now it's our 20th year of our Limerixicon -- conveniently labeled XX -- but our first in which we're no longer constrained by the proprieties of a Major Metropolitan Daily Newspaper, and thus free to celebrate the limerick's traditionally bawdy content. Last August, Chris was up to the "hi-" words, and now we inch forward.

For Week 32: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name, or term beginning with "ho-," as in the example above from an earlier Invitational contest.

While we may be freer with the subject matter (though we're certainly not requiring off-color material), we're still as strict as always about the limerick form: "perfect" rhyme; a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm within Lines 1, 2, and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Say the example above with exaggerated accents, and you'll get the hickory-thing.
For more guidance, you can read the Empress's 2022 primer "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" (just remember that the dates, etc., refer to last year). Or just absorb the classic ink from past Invites by going to the Losers' Master Contest List, searching on "limerick," and clicking on the far-right column.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-32. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. No special formatting needed this week; just write them as five-line poems and we'll make them look nice. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there, if you like, after our contest results run on Aug. 24.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 19, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 24.

This week's winner gets TWO Bigfoot-motif car air fresheners, which smell precisely, truly uncannily like Bigfoot. There are two because in May, totally independently, Dave Prevar and Jeff Contompasis each arrived at the Flushies, the Losers' annual award picnic, and presented us with one of these olfactory wonders.


Hopefully, it doesn't smell like big feet: Half of this week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Faux Questions Asked: Stupid polls from Week 30
In Week 30 we asked for "a really stupid online poll for a general-interest news site." Some of the entries made direct, cruel references to what an idiotic contest this was, which, frankly, hurt our feelings, at least to the extent that we have feelings. Without defensiveness, we have to say we like the results, as weird as they are.

Third runner-up: Who was our finest Under Secretary of Commerce?
a. Cornelius Vanderbilt Whitney
b. Wayne Chatfield-Taylor
c. Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr.
d. Luther H. Hodges Jr.
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Second runner-up: When putting on shoes and socks, in which order do you do it?
a. Sock, sock, shoe, shoe
b. Sock, shoe, sock, shoe
c. I never wear socks.
d. I never wear shoes.
e. Shoe, shoe, sock, sock
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up: Thank you for registering a new account with Facebook. How did you hear about us?
a. My children
b. My grandchildren
c. My great-grandchildren
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the pen you can play blackjack on -- plus a Fir Stink:
When giving random responses to a survey, which ONE answer are you likely to give?
a. D
b. C
c. A
d. B
(Dan Sachs, Pineville, N.C., who is a rarity: a First Offender and winner)

None of the Above: Honorable mentions
Which fast-food double bacon cheeseburger would you prefer?
a. One that meets 98 percent of your daily calorie needs
b. One that meets 99 percent of your daily calorie needs
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What is your favorite way to create a secure password?
a. Wedding anniversary
b. Name of pet
c. Child's birthday
d. High school mascot
e. Other (please specify): _______
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

What is your dream vacation spot in Europe?
a. Hafnarfjardarkaupstadur
b. Bolungarvikurkaupstadur
c. Svalbardsstrandarhreppur
d. Dublin
(Jesse Rifkin)

Where do you prefer scooter renters to abandon their rides?
a. In the middle of the sidewalk
b. On someone's lawn
(Leif Picoult)

The movie Oppenheimer would have been improved *
a. If the title character had ridden on the bomb a la Dr. Strangelove.
b. If there were more BRRRAAAAAM sound effects.
c. If everything were pink.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

When you sort your socks after a wash, do you place them heel down or heel up?
a. Heel down
b. Heel up
c. It's random.
d. All my socks are identical, so I have no need to sort them.
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Whom would you rather sleep in the same bed with?:
a. A dog with fleas
b. A cat with mange
c. A spouse with fleas and mange
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How much weight do you need to lose?
a. 5 pounds
b. 10 pounds
c. More than 240 pounds
(Beverley Sharp)

Besides "Macarena," what is your favorite song by Los Del Rio?
a. "El Sueno de la Marisma"
b. "Aqui Me Tienes Rocio"
c. "Que Bonita Esta la Feria"
(Jesse Rifkin)

If you had to choose one in a social situation, which would you rather have?
a. A random hair sticking out of your nose
b. A random hair sticking out of your ear
(Leif Picoult)

Women, who is your favorite member of the Three Stooges?
a. Curly
b. Larry
c. Moe
d. I can't pick one -- they're all so great!
(Jesse Rifkin)

Which restaurant chain has the finest plasticware?
a. Arby's
b. Wendy's
c. Checkers
d. McDonald's
e. Burger King
(Leif Picoult)

What should the status of Pluto be?
a. Dwarf planet
b. Ninth planet of the solar system with all accompanying rights and privileges
c. Planet-like celestial object unfazed by judgments and titles assigned by Earth-bound astronomers who have never even visited
d. Dog companion--but a pet, not an equal like Goofy
(Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Which 1960s-era mustache do you think gets more food stuck in it?
a. Handlebar
b. Walrus
c. Van Dyke
d. Fu Manchu
(Leif Picoult)

When you accidentally step barefoot on a Lego piece, what do you say?
a. "Son of a bitch!"
b. "Damn it all to hell!"
c. "Fuuuuuuuck!"
(Leif Picoult)

Which is the most entertaining relationship in a daily comic strip?
a. The subtle socioeconomic debates of Barney and Clyde
b. Hagar and Helga's classic take on the familial pressures created by Viking marauding and debauchery
c. The brutal working-class violence unleashed on Andy Capp by wife Flo
d. The sexually charged repartee of Nancy and Sluggo
(Jon Carter)

How long is a piece of string?
a. Twice the distance from the middle to the end
b. 3
c. I HAVE THE BEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL STRINGS, UNLIKE THOSE CRAZY CORRUPT STRINGLESS PROSECUTORS.
(Duncan Stevens)

Which of these claims from Marjorie Taylor Greene do you most agree with?
a. A Rothschilds-sponsored satellite started wildfires in California.
b. Georgia Sasquatches are taller and more Christian than those in the liberal Northwest.
c. The Lizard People controlling the economy should raise interest rates a quarter point but keep White Claw under $10 a six-pack.
(Jon Carter)

When clipping your toenails, do you start with your dominant foot or the other one?
a. Dominant foot
b. Other foot
c. I don't have a dominant foot.
d. I don't have feet.
(Tom Witte)

If you stay in a hotel room that has a houseplant in it, do you water it?
a. No, that's not my job
b. Yes, if it is in need of water
c. Yes, I water it with my own urine, which is a natural fertilizer.
(Tom Witte)

Choose the sentence below that's closest to your own views:
a. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
b. Ernst Haeckel's biogenetic law vastly oversimplifies embryology and understates the significance of genetic frameworks and mutations in his insistence that zygotic development parallels evolutionary relationships between taxonomic groups.
(Duncan Stevens)

Do you lie to your dentist about how often you floss?
a. Yes
b. No, but I'm lying to you now
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

How should the Supreme Court be adjusted?
a. Increase number of justices to 11, 13, or maybe even 29.
b. Impose mandatory retirement at 80, earlier if they can no longer find way out of their robes.
c. Bring back those long white wigs.
d. Set limits of $10K per occasion, $100K for the year, for bribes from any one source.
(Jon Carter)

Cats or dogs?
a. Cats
b. Dogs
c. I'll stick with the traditional beef and pork.
(Gary Crockett)

And Last: Should I cynically attempt to get ink by exploiting, for the third time, the Empress's fondness for Bob Dylan?
a. The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
b. You're an idiot, babe; it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe
c. When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
d. She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all
(Greg A. Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)

The headline "Faux Questions Asked" is by Chris Doyle: both Chris and Tim Livengood submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 12: Our Week 31 contest for new words formed by seven-letter ScrabbleGrams "racks." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-31.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Brendan Beary)
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Tim Livengood)
Prize: (Dave Prevar; Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!

Week 31: The Tile Invitational X
No, Elon hasn't bought us, yet. It's our 10th running of this coin-a-word game. Plus pangram sentences that leave 'quick brown fox' in the dust.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 3, 2023

LARDY 'UN: What Cletus is becoming now that the Hog Maw Buffet opened up down the street.

HAS WAND: Part of Harry Potter's Tinder profile.

MALPUKE: Dry heaves.

LE GLOB: Is it true that the French had a term of endearment for President Trump?

In other words, you are going to have to to make new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets, which you'll see below.

Rack-Tile Dysfunction: ScrabbleGrams neologisms, Week 31
The Tile Invitational neologism contest carries on in its tenth iteration, a concept of Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis, who is also obsessive about the venerable only-in-print ScrabbleGrams word game, which appears daily in The Washington Post's comics pages, under "Blondie." Blondie herself, by the way, is 93 years old, but still very attractive.

Mr. Contompasis, or JefCon, as his legions of fans call him, regularly emails the Empress of The Invitational to point out that, for example, "I disagree with the 2/22 ScrabbleGrams solution." A much better anagram for OEAOSCB, he opined that day, would be "BOOCASE: Shelves containing the works of ghostwriters."

AT THIS ORANGE LINK THAT YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 33 letter sets, the four above from this past Tuesday's WaPo, the rest from the decades-old Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real word, but of course that's not the one we want. For Week 31: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples above. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6, but you may use each letter in the set only once. (So if there are two L's, you can use them both, but if there's just one L, you can't use it twice.) There's a good chance that another Loser will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sample sentence) can be what gets you the ink.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-31. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. Important: See the word list for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 12, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 17.

This week's winner gets a bananaduck.

Bananaduck. (temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Abcdaring: Pangram sentences from Week 29
In Week 29 we asked for zingier pangrams -- sentences that use all 26 letters of the alphabet -- than the hoary "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." A number of Losers offered takes on that very line: our favorites were The quick brown fox kvells over the gimpy junkyard shih tzu (Chris Doyle); Quick brown fox, revise jumping plan - the dog is no longer lazy! (Duncan Stevens); and in a bit of sublime minimalism, The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy god (Mark Asquino).

Third runner-up: "Jeez, if only I were an ex-slave!" the uniquely unskilled campaigner bellowed. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.),

Second runner-up: Boobies can be artificial, perky, juglike, or even X-rated, but blue-footed ones with quills may be the zaniest. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

First runner-up: Crave a fun new joke?
Q: Why did the ex-Prez shun the new MAGA-Barbie doll?
A: Nothing to grab her by! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the ancient plush-cat cellphone cover: After cutting off his ear, Van Gogh examined himself in a mirror and joked, "That was a real doozy - I can wax only half eloquent, but at least I save fifty percent on Q-tips." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Alphabeaten: Honorable mentions
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again, thanks to Cracker Jack, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Smorz, and NesQuik. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Dolls for Liberty join movie boycott after ex-Prez questions whether Ken is transitioning. (Steve Smith)

Pop quiz: How do you find a just-divorced guy's billions? A: Ex marks the spot.* (Mark Raffman)

Acquitted of sex assault charges by a jury was manizer Kevin Spacey. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jury found Kevin Spacey, like ex-bigwig Trump, can squeeze crotches. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Ex-Prez sulks, wanting quick verdict from jury. Boo-hoo. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Ew, Zaxby's quick meal is just oven-fried gopher. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. -- our shortest inking entry this week, fitting all 26 letters into just 38 total)

Fla. bans most letters -- "can spell naughty words!" Alphabet's now just IKQVXZ. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Foxworthy: "Zip-tied live on 'Cops' in 'Q' PJs? You might be a redneck!" (Jon Carter)

I'm sesquipedalian, but look, so are my friends -- so nobody exclaims in jealous amazement when I whip out my huge vocabulary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"It was a Donald and Stormy night" -- "Vixen and the Beast" is just quick, puffy sleaze. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

I'd be partying and dancing waltzes tonight, except people wave me off and yell, "Just quit, klutz!" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

My boy got expelled from school -- with zero equivocation -- just for cursing! I told him that's fucked up. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

On the fifth day of Xmas my "true love" gave to me: Five onion rings! Four chicken wings, three French dips, two juicy subs, and a Double Quarter Pounder with cheez. (Mark Raffman)

Pickleball--aka "ping pong plus"--fazes exacting neighbors who enjoy mad-quiet living. (Leif Picoult)

Q: To be, or not? Just suffer crazy woes or mix it up and give life heck? (Jesse Frankovich)

The Florida governor's campaign would ban queer sex, history books, and jazz. (Gary Crockett)

The toy box held a Pez dispenser, five jacks, a card game, aquatic gear, a Barbie, and a dildo. What?!! (Kathy El-Assal)

The turkey's on the table; dinner's ready -- nix the stressing!
You pop back in the kitchen for the gravy and the dressing.
But just when you return, it seems there's been a canine theft:
The turkey's looking quirky 'cause the gizzard's all that's left.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas, Texas, Arizona, Jersey, Idaho, Mississippi, or Quebec anymore! (Gary Crockett)

Twitter vizier's lame remake, "X": Fuggedaboutit! Hey, just an idea: cater to Trumpers, try "Q." (Duncan Stevens)

When traveling, it's great to find a bathroom that is nice;
The extra-clever French dreamed up a quality device!
A zappy spray from their bidet will make you fresh and clean;
They're now all over Europe, so rejoice when you're a-peein'! (Beverley Sharp)

Zuckerberg may be a shanda for the goyim, but never question that Musk is an asshole who just prescribed himself Preparation X. (Sam Mertens)

And Last:
The judgy Czar and Empress seek
A quipful inbox every week. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: A man, a plan, a canal ... ugh, wrong wordplay! "Bvtzijxkfq!" Loser curses. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "ABCDaring" is by Dave Prevar; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline "Rack-Tile Dysfunction" is also by Jesse, from an earlier Tile Invitational contest.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 5: Our Week 30 contest for bad ideas for reader polls. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-30.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.

The word list for this week's contest:

AAGILMY
AALMPSS
ABHILTU
ABHSTUW
ABILLNP
ACCILNO
ADDILMN
ADEGMNU
ADEIMTY
ADHINPS
AENNRTT
AHNPPUY
AINOORT
AINRSTT
AIOPRTY
AMOOPRT
AOOPRTT
BEEGILL
BEGINSS
BEHINOP
BEHORTT
CDEIISU
DEERSVW
DEFIILM
DEIJORY
EEMPRTU
EENRTUV
EFGIRRU
EGIMOST
AUYDLRN
AAWHSND
AEUKLPM
EOULLBG

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jeff Contompasis)
Examples: ()
Title: (Dave Prevar; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 30: Poll-ish Jokes
Come up with a ridiculous reader poll. Plus winning poems about glomerulonephritis and other spelling bee words.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 27, 2023

Here is today's Gene Pool Gene Poll !

POLL
Do you prefer twist ties or those cheap thin plastic slitted wafers, as a means to seal loaves of bread or whatever?
Twist ties
Slitted wafers
433 VOTES . 12 HOURS REMAINING
This week's Invitational contest was occasioned by desperation. Gene was trying to think of a Gene Poll to use for the next Gene Pool, and unfortunately came up with the one above, the poll you have just taken.

The new contest for Week 30: Come up with a really stupid online poll for a general interest news site. It can be stupid because it is trivial, like the bread-tie thing, or for any other reason. Here's another example, which we will mercifully not present as an actual take-at-home poll requiring your response:

In Civilization and Its Discontents, published in 1929 in German as Das Unbehagen in der Kultur, did Sigmund Freud mean to suggest that there are fundamental tensions between civilization and the individual, or was his thesis more of a psychoanalytical exploration of the urge to escape conformity?
A. Fundamental tensions
B. Escape conformity
C. Neither -- it's more about universal ennui.
D. The question is biased and intellectually unsound. I refuse to answer.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-30. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 5, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 10.

This week's winner gets a pen you can play blackjack on. Donated by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.


Another game in which you're likely to win nothing!
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Leave a comment

Jest for the Spell of It: Poems and jokes from Week 28
In Week 28 we once again invited our Loserbards to actually use -- in a funny poem, or even a joke -- any of the words from the later rounds of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Third runner-up:
Poliorcetics, the art of conducting a siege:
Once upon a January, Trump incited, mad and scary,
Making many a rigged election claim that simply wasn't true--
While he ranted, hardly quiet, suddenly there came a riot;
Sadly he would not decry it, like a decent guy might do.
His followers tried poliorcetics, staging a revolting coup--
After all, he told them to.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Timorous, fearful:
As summertime approaches, we are often feeling timorous:
Will last year's swimsuit fit, or will there have to be a slimmer us?
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

First runner-up:
Sneeziness, wheeziness.
Bogart's been sick and has
Taken loratadine
Pills for the flu.
Flubbing his line despite
Pharmacological
Help, he says, "Ilsa, here's
Looking -- ACHOO!"
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Wicked Witch of the East over-the-knee socks:
Crore, ten million:
Six crore and five million years ago, God brought forth upon this planet
An asteroid dedicated to the proposition that dinosaurs no longer ran it.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Bee List: Honorable mentions
Ethnarch, leader of ethnic group or homogeneous people:
This ethnarch seeks once more to wear a crown,
Appeals to fear: his tribalistic fight.
Has little use for votes from black or brown--
Don rules for, and is blinded by, the white.
(Duncan Stevens, vacationing in Gloucester, Mass.)

Silentiary, one appointed to keep silence and order:
Librarian and silentiary, she frowned at every sound
That was too loud and quickly vowed to have it squelched.
Imagine then her horror when a rude noise most profound
Resounded on the main floor. Without warning, she had belched!
"Shh!!" said one and all, and to her deep mortification
Her buttocks then performed a swift but thunderous aeration.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Alexia, inability to perceive written words:
If you have alexia,
This poem oughta vexia. (Jesse Frankovich)

Hypovolemia, a decrease in blood circulation:
I went weak in the knees when I first saw your face.
I clumsily stumbled, besieged by your grace.
For weeks, I was dizzy, lost in a daze.
Unable to think, in an amorous haze.
The time slowly passed as I hungered and yearned.
Now, thanks to my doctor, there's much I have learned:
If you fall for a guy who is out of your league,
That may not be the source of your sudden fatigue.
Though you're sure you know why you seem pale and anemic,
You aren't in love. You're just hypovolemic.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A joke:
How is the Washington Commanders organization like a lamprey?
You have to remove the head so they'll stop sucking. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Conversazione, a meeting for conversation:
A wiseguy conversazione
Over plates of cannelloni
Features capos swapping tales
Of icing hoods for their betrayals,
Offing rats on one-way rides,
And whacking grooms in front of brides.
The highlight's when Don Vito dishes
On who's next to sleep with the fishes.
(Chris Doyle)

Isolette, enclosed crib for a newborn:
My baby's in an isolette;
No germs or chilly drafts get through.
She hears no news of climate threat,
Or what the Donald plans to do.
It's quite a thing, this bassinet!
I often wish I had one too. (Duncan Stevens)

Pridian, referring to yesterday (or an earlier time)
After dealing with trials quite worthy of Job,
How perfect if you could just fly round the globe,
Crossing that line on a mapmaker's chart
Where night turns to day - you'd just get to "restart"!
One's pridian stresses would all dissipate --
But the baggage remains, parked right at the gate.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Pridian II
Are the films of John Hughes on the brink
Of oblivion? Certain folks think
That his '86 hit
Is so yesterday it
Should be listed as Pridian Pink.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Isogloss: a boundary line between regions that differ in a particular linguistic feature:
An isogloss marks where those odd people stop
Saying "soda" and properly ask for a pop. (Midwesterner Jesse Frankovich)

Chumble, to chew:
There's a story, I swear it's well founded,
Of a girl who was bright and well rounded,
But on lamp cords she'd chumble
Till to bits they would crumble,
And now she's been totally grounded.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

If George Seurat were now alive
And got online, I think it's plain
His pointillistic self would strive
To make dot.com his own domain. (Chris Doyle)

Furtum, theft:
The key to a deftly done furtum?
The owners: try not to alert 'em.
My old thief-pal Byron,
He triggered a siren--
And the dogs, well, they gulped-for-dessert him. (Duncan Stevens)

Anilox, a system of printing that transfers consistent amounts of ink
I went down to the deli for a Sunday morning nosh
And ordered up the special of the day;
Included was a bagel, when cut open it displayed
My name, imprinted. Blew my mind away!
I asked, "How did you print my name so neatly on the bread
That I found inside the daily special box?"
The deli man replied, "It is a skill as old as time:
I simply used the bagel anilox."
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Leguleian, a lawyer who bogs down in trivialities:
Said the plaintiff who got trounced in court to his attorney Sheehan:
"You only argued trial points; you're just a leguleian!
I now reject your crude demand that I should send my fee in --
I'm shocked, based on your work today, you have a pot to pee in."
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va., and yes, he's a lawyer)

Glomerulonephritis:
To simply say or write is
An awful pain, and yet it
Is even worse to get it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Opacate, to make opaque:
When famous folk in scandals face
A public they must placate,
They promise, "I can clarify!"
(Which means "I can opacate!")
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Officious, meddlesome, offering unwanted advice:
My neighbors are rude - they're officious
And their prying is downright pernicious.
They are bad to the bone
So I leave them alone
(Well, except when the gossip's delicious . . .) (Beverley Sharp)

Sacalait, a Louisiana fish (aka crappie)
On the bayou, we're fishin' today --
"Let the bons temps roulez!" we all say.
Caught another! So happy!
Who dat callin' it "crappie"?
Mon cher, it's un grand sacalait!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Cognoscente, expert in a certain field
Runway models just can't win
When every fashion cognoscente
Thinks a woman's not too thin
At six foot two, one hundred twenty. (Chris Doyle)

Monoxenous, living on a single host throughout a parasite's life:
Their son is thirty-five but still content to live at home.
"He'll find a job soon," Mother said. "I've faith in our Jerome."
"He's monoxenous. Our parasite will never leave," Dad said.
"But we should make him stop sleeping between us in our bed."
(Pam Shermeyer)

Novenary, a group of nine:
It's safer to crawl through machinery
And get chewed like Jack Nicholson's scenery,
Than to count on your rights
When they get in the sights
Of the current Supreme-type Novenary. (Duncan Stevens)

She walked into the bar and all the men began to gawk;
The room fell strangely silent then, and no one dared to talk.
A lusty lad approached her and he soon became besotted;
(He'd had a lot of schnapps, you see; quite frankly, he was potted.)
The hapless guy had failed to see -- he really was a dope --
The girl he found so sexy was a female lycanthrope.
(Beverley Sharp)

The headline "Jest for the Spell of It" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 29: Our Week 29 contest for pangrams -- sentences that include all 26 letters of the alphabet. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-29. NEW: Check your pangram instantly to make sure it has all the letters at pangram.me/en.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 29: Alphabettering
Write a funny sentence containing all 26 letters. Plus winning ideas for best corporate Trump-pandering.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 19, 2023
pangram
The English language's most famous pangram. Now it's your chance to write a funnier, edgier one in this week's Invitational, below. (howstuffworks.com)
Hello! For the first time in the storied, seven-month history of The Gene Pool, The Invitational arrives on a Wednesday, instead of on a Thursday. We know what you are thinking: that only something huge and immovable, like Thanksgiving, should cause such a massive rescheduling of such an important element of American culture and national pride as The Gene Pool. Let's just say we have our reasons.

The Invitational Week 29: Mining Your P's and Q's
He's quickly devouring beans for extra tailwind in jump zone. (Seth Brown)

Zooey just loved a quickie before waxing her armpits. (John Hiles)

Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (Milo Sauer)

Klutzy carving-up by quack mohels "fixed" a Jew. (Chris Doyle)

Here's a contest that we did only once before -- twenty-one years ago. It's for a pangram, and we mean its original meaning, not the broader one now used in The New York Times's Spelling Bee and other word games: For Invitational Week 29: Write a humorous sentence (or very brief multiple sentences) that includes all 26 letters of the alphabet, as in those above from the only previous time we did this contest. There's not a maximum length, but obviously it's more clever to get your pangram into a shorter sentence than a long, padded one. But more important, the sentence should be easy to read and should sound like actual English. And don't forget the funny.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-29. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, July 29, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 3.


This week's winner gets a furry little piece of recent American history. It is a plush, machine-washable "Puss Puss Bar Style Cell Phone Cover" -- a relic of a bygone era, possibly from roughly 2006, a time when we apparently thought cellphones were adorable and should be bulky, dangling from your belt (there is a clip) and look like a deformed, footless Winnie-the-Pooh. There is also a hole for an antenna. Puss Puss looks very sad, and his or her eyes are closed. He or she is possibly even deceased. Also, the fur apparently will cover the keypad, an apparent flaw that the manufacturers do not explain or otherwise deal with. According to the attached display card, this is the "1st company to bring Cutting-edge plush technology to Cell Phones, TV Remote Controls, and even staplers." This fine prize was donated to the Invitational by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.


Let's Go Brandin': Corporate Trumpist-pandering from Week 27
In Week 27 we wondered to what depths companies, organizations, etc., would go were they to be as cravenly pandering to the MAGA cult as most of the GOP continues to be. How might they adjust their products and messages to appeal to the desires, prejudices, ferocities, and ignorances of Trump and his aptly named "base"?

Third runner-up: Impossible Foods unveils a "broccoli," which is actually made of beef. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: Discovery Networks replaces all home improvement shows with home eviction shows. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

First runner-up: The Washington baseball team is renamed the Nationalists. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And the winner of the U.S. military reprint "The Al-Qaeda Training Manual": Southern states must pay reparations to the descendants of enslavers because they may have been traumatized by being told that slavery is bad. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Base Medals: Honorable mentions
Mattel announces its biggest doll ever: Barvanka. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Yale changes its slogan from "Lux et Veritas" to "A Lot of People Are Saying." (Jesse Rifkin)

McDonald's introduces its new "Point 'n' Grunt" menu. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Sex toy shops sell chastity belts under the sign "Lock her up! Lock her up!" (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Augusta National Golf Course sells burial plots. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Linens 'n Things sells sheets with pre-cut eye holes. (David Kleinbard)

Bergdorf Goodman soundproofs its fitting rooms. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

New golf carts are fitted out with gun racks. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Workout gyms provide golf carts to go from station to station. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Random House prints books on perforated paper to make it easier to remove offending pages. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The American Medical Association announces that 239 pounds is the ideal weight for men and for women it would be 105 pounds. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Callaway issues a Baby Seal line of clubs. (David Kleinbard)

Duraflame offers book-shaped logs. (Kevin Dopart)

Hallmark debuts a line of thoughts-and-prayers greeting cards for mass shootings. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Heinz: EZ-Clean Ketchup. Won't stain your walls. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Home Depot offers a deluxe line of bathroom file cabinets. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Reynolds Wrap would tweet, "Don't stop at tinfoil hats -- we offer full-body protection!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Smith & Wesson opens a shooting range on Fifth Avenue. (Chris Doyle)

Smokey Bear's shovel is replaced with a rake. (Kevin Dopart)

Starbucks offers drinks in Large, Medium, and Small instead of those foreign sizes. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

The National Enquirer runs a copycat of Wordle in which three of the letters are already filled in. (David Kleinbard)

The next Muppet Movie replaces Kermit with Pepe. (Kevin Dopart)

The South Fork Coal Co. has a new slogan for its proposed mine in Virginia: "Take Advantage of the Great Outdoors." (Diana Oertel)

The VFW offers a preferred membership rate for people who weren't captured. (Kevin Dopart)

The Westminster Kennel Club holds an annual dogfighting competition. (Kevin Dopart)

Victoria's Secret adds a "Garb Them by the Pussy" line of lingerie. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

McDonald's brings back its clown mascot, renaming it Donald McDonald and changing its hair from red to orange. (Lee Graham; Michael Stein)

CVS offers deep-fried statins. (Kevin Dopart)

Stadiums ensure that everyone stands for the national anthem by electrifying the seats to deliver jolts at designated moments. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline "Let's Go Brandin' " is by Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 22: Our Week 28 contest for short poems or jokes using a word from this year's National Spelling Bee. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-28.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Seth Brown; John Hiles; Milo Sauer; Chris Doyle)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
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The Invitational Week 28: Put It in Bee-verse
Write a funny poem using a spelling bee word. Plus compare/contrast winners.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 13, 2023

How is a tiny Shriner motorcycle like Mike Pence's presidential campaign? See today's Invitational results below. (Big Dave Diode/Flickr)
Hello. Today the Gene Pool quenches your thirst for a new Invitational humor contest, Week 28, and delivers the results of Week 26. But first, as is our annoying tradition, we begin with an irrelevant Gene Pool Gene Poll. Here it comes.

The Invitational Week 28: Could You Put That in a Poem, Please?
It's something that one's been obliged to bestow.
The word, Latin-rooted, is oblatio.
It should be for a thing one might legally owe,
Not, say, for the act of fellatio.

The current Webster's Third International Dictionary, the 121/2-pound unabridged print version, boasts more than 470,000 entries, from a to zyzzogeton. And in its ever more daunting struggle to trip up its astonishing tweens, this year's National Spelling Bee delved into that volume's most obscure recesses. Let's play with them.

In this week's Invitational contest, Week 28: Write a humorous poem or tell a short joke (e.g., a riddle) using any word from Round 4 or later in the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee. The real meaning of the word should be clear, from context alone or by definition, as in the Czar's example above -- one we're pretty sure will never be included in the Bee study packet. The Bee's website doesn't supply the meanings, but you can find them at m-w.com or by Googling, or just choose a word from the sample list below with oversimplified meanings (but links to the actual listings).

- You may use a slightly different form of the word (e.g., plural, past tense).
- Be sure to use the correct spelling of the word, which appears on the list to the left of however the kid spelled it in competition, correctly or not.

A few words from the lists (but choose from dozens more here in Rounds 4 through 15:
Psammophile (silent P): An organism that prefers or thrives in sandy soils or areas (this year's final word).

Chumble: To gnaw or chew.

Ovination: Vaccination against sheep-pox by introducing sheep-pox to the body

Querken: To choke someone

Pridian (pri-DEE-an): Relating to yesterday or a previous day; former

Cnemis (nee-mis): tibia; plural is cnemides

Oblatio (o-BLAY-shee-oh): A payment for something that is owed

Leguleian: (leg-yu-LEE-an) [definition from a legal glossary] A type of lawyer who is known for being petty and argumentative. They often focus on small details and technicalities rather than the bigger picture.

Sorge (SOAR-guh): Concern, care bordering on anxiety (German for worry)

Aegagrus (ee-GAG-rus): Another name for a bezoar, a hard mass that can form in the intestine and once thought to have magical properties

Rommack (ROMMick): To play boisterously, to romp

Haysel (HAY-s'l): The haying season

Eukinetics (YOU-kinetics): The science of well-controlled body movement, such as dancing (takes a singular verb)

Ebau*choir (Ayy-bo-shwar): A chisel used for rough-hewing sculpture, as for a clay model

Nudicaul (nude-i-call): Having leafless stems

Opacate (either o-PAY-cate or O-pa-cate): To make opaque

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-28. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. As with all our poetry/song contests, we make an exception to the one-line-per-entry rule: Just format the poems as they ought to look on the page. If you have multiple entries, it wouldn't hurt to add a line of *** or --- or <><><><><><> etc. between the poems, since sometimes white space disappears on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, July 22, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 27.

This week's winner receives a high-quality pair of striped Wicked Witch of the East over-the-knee socks, complete with "ruby slippers" as the feet. You can reenact the scene from The Wizard of Oz: Just put on the socks and lie on your back, and put a house on top of yourself. Donated by Universal Donor Dave Prevar.

Wicked Witch Socks product image 1 of 1 slide
This week's really most sincerely first prize. (sockysock.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of TEN nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Leave a comment

As You Liken It: Winning comparisons from Week 26
In Week 26 we continued our tradition of posting a list of random noun phrases and asking how any two were alike, different, or otherwise linked. A good one offered up by too many Losers: Dryer lint differs from Mike Pence's presidential campaign in that only one might catch fire.

Third runner-up: The difference between Handel's Messiah and Mike Pence's presidential campaign: In the first, the hallelujahs are transcending; in the other, they're trans-ending. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: The difference between a bathroom chandelier and Handel's Messiah: Messiah only lasts through fifty-three movements. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up: A visit to Antarctica: "Oh man, breathe cold air!" A bathroom chandelier: An anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the sandwich bags that look as if they're infested with mold and roaches: The similarity between a tiny Shriner motorcycle and Mike Pence's presidential campaign: One is in danger of being squashed by a fat man in a silly red hat, and the other is ridden by a Shriner. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Tiddly Links: Honorable mentions
A tiny Shriner motorcycle and Pence's campaign: Both are absurd, but it's unlikely that the wheels will soon come off the motorcycle. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

A bathroom chandelier and love handles: Even when they're in plain sight, Trump will deny he has either. (Jon Carter)

A bathroom chandelier: Tastelessness. Love handles: Waistlessness. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

A bathroom chandelier and Pence's campaign: If you ask a January 6 Trumpite, each offers something worth hanging. (Kevin Dopart)

A box of chocolates: Nougats. Pence's campaign: No guts. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

A box of chocolates: Russell Stover. The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac: Rust all over. (Chris Doyle)

A box of chocolates is like a tiny Shriner motorcycle: Both give you crushed nuts. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

A box of chocolates: Sampler. Love handles: Ampler. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

An AI love letter and a palindrome: The letter might begin, "Sore was I ere I saw Eros." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

An AI love letter and Pence's campaign: They will both test the communication skills of a robot. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Jon Carter)

A palindrome and Pence's campaign: "Stiff" fits. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

* Or: "Dud." (Jesse Frankovich)

A palindrome vs. a silent fart: "A Butt tuba" can be just one of these. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.; Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.; Duncan Stevens)

* Not to mention: Only one can be "a toot." (Neil Kurland)

Love handles and a palindrome: Fat AF. (Jesse Frankovich)

A visit to Antarctica and a silent fart: Both are going to be a lot more tolerable if you have thick underwear. (Jon Carter)

A visit to Antarctica and the Pence campaign: Both are good activities if you don't like crowds. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A visit to Antarctica may originate in Chile, whereas a silent fart may originate in chili. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Both a bathroom chandelier and Pence's campaign shed light on Donald Trump's crap. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Chat GPT 23 and the front bumper of a '55 Cadillac: Both will be viewed as quaint relics in 2024. (Mark Raffman)

Handel's Messiah: Christ the Lord. Love handles: Christ, the lard! (Jesse Frankovich)

Love handles: Where you put your palms on a really good date. The space between your eyebrows: Where you put your palms on a really bad date. (Jesse Frankovich)

Love handles and Pence's campaign: Only one is associated with the word "hip." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Pence's campaign: Asking for a job. Chat GPT 23: Axing your job. (Kevin Dopart)

Pence's campaign and dryer lint: Someone with talent could mold the lint into something appealing. (Kevin Dopart)

The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac and a silent fart: Both sometimes precede skid marks. (Steve Geist; Jon Carter)

The space between the eyebrows and love handles: When you talk to women, it's better to look at the first than the second. Trust me on this. (Chris Doyle)

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light" is part of Messiah, but Handel probably wasn't thinking of a bathroom chandelier. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "As You Liken It" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 8: Our Week 27 contest to say how a particular company or organization might pander to the MAGA crowd. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-27.

Live streaming for Elden Carnahan's memorial service
If you can't make it to Saturday's memorial service for Father of Loserdom Elden Carnahan (more about him here), you should be able to see a live stream on YouTube at this link or at bit.ly/eldenservice. The service begins Saturday, July 15, at 2 p.m. at Laurel Presbyterian Church, 7610 Old Sandy Spring Rd., Laurel, Md.

InvisibleInk!
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Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 27: Their Base Behavior
How might companies pander to T's mob? Plus neologism winners.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
JUL 6, 2023
Joseph Chamberlain MP.png
Where do you buy a monocle? At the foptician, of course. It's among the dozens of of F-word neologism winners below in this week's Invitational results. (Pictured: British statesman Joseph Chamberlain, father of Neville, via Wikipedia)

And now, The Invitational, Week 27: We Go Low
"Jeopardy!" would include a swimsuit competition.

John Deere could introduce a special bird-killing windmill for farmers.

Sharpie would issue a line of map-correction markers.

This week's contest is based on a political phenomenon squatting all around us like warty gargoyles. Many Republican politicians seem to be convinced that their futures remain tied to Donald Trump; that, despite his vileness, crudeness, ineptitude, illegalities, fecklessness, recklessness, squamousness, pettiness, venality, licentiousness, sebaceous personal preferences and pecadilloes, and bizarre notions about how the world works, they must not only not disavow him, but must even praise and emulate him, to hang on to his "base." The whole thing has been almost entertaining to watch; they're like parents making excuses for why it's okay that little Billy eats bugs and pigeon poop off the sidewalk. Perhaps it's only a matter of time before other organizations -- businesses and other entities worldwide -- take the same rusty tack Trumpward.

For Week 27: Tell humorously how some business or organization could alter its product or message to appeal to Trump's cult, as in the examples above.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-27. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she and the Czar are choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 15, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 20.

This week's winner receives The Al-Qaeda Training Manual -- yes, that's exactly what it is. The 175-page English-language handbook, whose eighteen chapters offer instruction for terrorists-in-training -- ranging from assassination methods to advice not to get parking tickets -- was found in 2000 by British investigators in Manchester, England, and published in 2006 by the U.S. Air Force Counterproliferation Center and picked up at a conference by Loser Jeff Contompasis, who stresses that it is an unclassified document.


One in the U.S. military's nifty series of how-to books.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of TEN nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

F'ing Hilarious: Winning neologisms from Week 25
In Week 25 we honored Loser Jesse Frankovich's 1,000th blot of Invite ink with the traditional honor of Do Our Work for Us: Mr. F got a chance to guest-judge the Invitational contest of his choice. Which was to change a word or phrase by adding one or more F's, and/or substituting F's for other letters.

We sent the Merry Frankster the 733 neologism entries sorted alphabetically and totally anonymous; he's finding out just now, along with you all, who wrote what. Jesse prefaced his choices with this note:

Dear Empress:
Thank you for facilitating the fun-filled function of finding the funny fraction of fresh F-words. First, the flood of foolishness fell to a fairly feasible flock of favorites. Fighting fatigue, I filtered the fringe (with feedback from my fabulous fiancee) before fixing on the featured field of forty-five. Finally, I flagged the four I fancied as the finest.

Fondly,
Jesse

Third runner-up: Suffer solstice: What heralds three months of sweltering in Texas. (Chris Doyle, Denton, yup, Tex.)

Second runner-up: FOMO sapiens: Ancient hominid that went extinct from jealousy, convinced that all the other hominids were having more fun. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: Faker's dozen: Eleven. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the collection of Jesse Frankovich's first 500 inking Invitational entries: Feline Dion: Pop diva who topped the charts with "It's All Coming Back to Meow." (Chris Doyle)

Please upgrade your subscription from "free" to paid. It's ridiculously inexpensive. And we will love you unconditionally, despite your lamentable choice of online entertainment.


Subscribed

F-bombs: Honorable mentions
Fintimidated: Afraid to get in the ocean. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Fuddhist: One who is philosophically opposed to the killing of any living being, except a wabbit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Ad-fib: Trump's typical response to being put on the spot. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Baffleground: The site of a MAGA rally. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Barftender: That true friend who holds your hair back while you're puking into the toilet. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Carf: What the motion-sick kid riding in the back seat is gonna do. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Carfooling: Driving in an HOV lane with an inflatable doll. (Chris Doyle)

Cupfakes: Padded bras. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Effiquette: Making sure to send a text the next day. (Duncan Stevens)

Fantiques: The Donny Osmond notebook and Partridge Family lunchbox you found in the attic. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Farceny: Stealing somebody else's joke. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Fatatonic: How Uncle John looks when he's staring at the game after three helpings of Thanksgiving turkey. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Fatisfaction: The feeling you get after eating a pint of Haagen-Dazs. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

Fellow journalism: Petulant backlash against the #MeToo movement. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Fender reveal: A gathering to show off your new car. (Jonathan Jensen)

Festiges: The ticket stubs and booze bottles littering the Lollapalooza grounds on Monday morning. (Pam Shermeyer)

Fetamorphosis: How sheep's milk becomes cheese. (Tom Witte)

Fidolizing: Adoring your dog above all other beings. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flabrador: A dog that's been "treated" too well. (Beverley Sharp)

Flagfellation: Extreme patriotism. (Tom Witte)

Flaptop: The attire required for a wardrobe malfunction. (Beverley Sharp)

Flubricated: Full of tea and chicken soup. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flue ribbon: First prize in a chimney sweep competition. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Foblivious: Unaware that your car keys were in your purse the whole time. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Footstraps: What we have to pull ourselves up by, now that we can't afford boots. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foptician: Where you go for a prescription monocle. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foreflay: How a dominatrix gets clients warmed up. (Chris Doyle)

Foxygen: Air that is used to fan the flames of conspiracy theories. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Freefer: They're giving out samples at the dispensary!* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Furchin: A guy who forgot to shave. (Beverley Sharp)

Fuxtaposition: An arrangement of bodies only seen in adult entertainment. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Harpoof: It's guaranteed to make the white whale disappear. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Ku Klux Flan: A custard that only uses the whites of the eggs. (Jonathan Jensen)

LendingFree: A short-lived online loan service. (Chris Doyle)

Nufftials: Divorce proceedings. (Neil Kurland)

Rene Desfartes: "I stink, therefore I am." (Jonathan Jensen)

Surfeptitious: What you need to be when browsing the Internet on your phone during a staff meeting. (Pam Sweeney)

Text fessage: An admission someone was too cowardly to make in person. (Michael Stein)

Underfear: Anxiety about what your short skirt might be revealing. (Jonathan Jensen)

Failiwick: Someone's weakness. "She can name horses, but song parodies are her failiwick." (Pam Shermeyer)

And Last: Follygag: Any of the 653 entries that missed Jesse's first cut. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline "F'ing Hilarious" is by Tom Witte; William Kennard, Sam Mertens, Kevin Dopart, and Chris Doyle all came up with the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 8: Our Week 26 contest to say how any two items on our wacky list are similar or different. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-26.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
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Title: (Tom Witte)
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The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference
Our famous compare/contrast contest. Plus 'Finger Lickin' Goo' and other altered slogans.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 29, 2023
1955 CADILLAC SERIES 62 Poster image 1
"The front bumper of a 1955 Cadillac," one item on our random list for the Week 26 contest. (Poster listed on Etsy)

The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference, or Crack a Simile
A visit to Antarctica vs. Mike Pence's presidential campaign: They're both white wastelands, but only the first is likely to yield evidence of heating up.

A bathroom chandelier
A box of chocolates
A tiny Shriner motorcycle
A visit to Antarctica
Chat GPT 23
Handel's Messiah
Love handles
Mike Pence's presidential campaign
A palindrome
The space between your eyebrows
Dryer lint
The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac
A silent fart
An AI love letter

It would help to be a skilled conspiracy theorist, but even if your tinfoil beret is at the cleaners, you still ought to give a try this week to discover some hidden links in our annual-ish random list of noun phrases.

For Week 26, tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the example above; the items were chosen by the Czar from among hundreds of random noun phrases offered up by the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. If you're not familiar with our Same Difference contest (or just want some more laffs), see last year's results here.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-26. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she's choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 8, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 13.

This week's winner receives a four-pack of "Gross Sandwich Bags" that are supposed to scare off office-refrigerator thieves with pictures of moldy slices of bread with roaches crawling on them. The package helpfully translates it into French: "Sacs a sandwich degoutantes." Donated by Dave Prevar.


How to sneak your caviar snack into the office without having to share.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Ad-jestments: Altered product slogans from Week 24
In Week 24 we asked you to slightly change a slogan or tagline of a product or organization and use the result for a different one. Among the 750 entries, too many people to credit individually offered Cialis: The Quicker Pecker-Upper; transformed Subway's "Eat Fresh" to Arby's: Eat Flesh; suggested the Pornhub slogan Got MILF?; or repurposed the Army exhortation to Pee All That You Can Pee: Flomax.

Yup, this is another set of entries that would have been pulverized by The Post's taste police.

Third runner-up:
Calvin Klein: Between Love and Madness Lies Obsession
American Psychiatric Association: Between Love and Madness Lies a Session (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Look, Ma, No Cavities! Crest.
Look, Pa, Three Cavities! Pornhub. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
Subaru: Confidence in Motion
ExxonMobil: Confidence in Manchin (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the crab hat with claws and googly eyes:
Miller High Life: The Champagne of Beers
Andre: The Beer of Champagnes (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va., in his first blot of Invite ink since 2016)

Plops and Fizzes: Honorable mentions
Built to Last: Ford
Guilt to Last: The Catholic Church (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Mountain Dew: Do the Dew
Grindr: Do the Dude (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Proud as a Peacock: NBC
Loud as a Peacock: MSNBC (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Pam cooking spray: Pam Helps You Pull It Off
Chaturbate.com: 'Pam, Help Me Pull It Off!' (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Reach Out and Touch Someone: AT&T
Reach Out and Touche Someone: U.S. Fencing Association (Jesse Frankovich)

U.S. Coast Guard: Semper Paratus
Adam & Eve Adult Toys: Some Apparatus! (Tom Witte)

De Beers: A Diamond Is Forever
Convent of the Sacred Heart: A Hymen Is Forever (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Adidas: The Brand with the Three Stripes
Saucony: The Brand with the .. hmm* Three Circles Inside a Thingamajig (Jon Carter)

Lucky Charms: They're magically delicious!
Trump 2024: We're MAGAly seditious! (Kevin Dopart)

ADT security: Always There
Grammarly: Sometimes 'There,' Sometimes 'Their,' Sometimes 'They're' (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

America Runs on Dunkin: Dunkin
America Runs on Bumpkin: CPAC (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Arby's: We Have the Meats!
Credit Suisse Private Banking: We Meet the Haves! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Dairy Management trade group: Behold the Power of Cheese
Kraft boxed dinners: Behold the Powder of Cheese (Chris Doyle)

Belong Anywhere: Airbnb
Be Long Anywhere: Viagra (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Jeff Contompasis)

You're in Good Hands: Allstate
Hand In Your Goods: The IRS (Tom Witte)

American Express: Don't Leave Home Without It
Zoom: Don't Leave Home (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Every Kiss Begins with Kay: Kay Jewelers
Every Kiss Begins with ' 'Kay?' National Sexual Violence Resource Center (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Karen Lambert)
Every Kid Begins with K: "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

KFC: Finger Lickin' Good
Cinnabon: Finger Lickin' Goo (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeff Contompasis)

Nike: Just Do It
Ex-Lax: Just Do-do It (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)
Trojan: Just Do 'It' (Tom Witte)
American Judges Association: Just? Do It. (Duncan Stevens)
Microsoft Training: Just Do IT (Jeff Contompasis)

Frosted Flakes: They're grrrrrreat!
Southern Baptist Convention: They're strrrrrraight! (April Musser, Georgia)

Lay's: Betcha Can't Eat Just One
Mustang Ranch: Betcha Can't Lay Just One (Jon Ketzner)

California Milk Processor Board: Got Milk?
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: Got Milked? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Ancestry.com: Got Ilk? (Tom Witte)

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty!: Liberty Mutual
Puberty, Puberty, Puberty, Puberty! : Clearasil (Jeff Contompasis)

Burger King: Home of the Whopper
Mar-a-Lago: Home of the Whoppers (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
FIFA World Cup: Home of the Floppers (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Outback Steakhouse: No Rules, Just Right
The State of Texas: No Rights, Just Rules (Mark Raffman)

St. Pauli Girl Beer: You Never Forget Your First Girl
Boone's Farm Wine: You Never Forget Your First Hurl (Jon Carter)

Stronger Than Dirt: Ajax
Older Than Dirt: The Rolling Stones (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Levi's: Quality Never Goes Out of Style
National Organization for Women: Equality Never Goes Out of Style (Jeff Contompasis)
Costco: Quantity Never Goes Out of Style (Jesse Frankovich)

Apple: Think Different
The GOP: Think Deferent (Karen Lambert)
National Council of Teachers of English: Think Differently (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Dave Airozo)

You Deserve a Break Today: McDonald's
You deserve a Beak Today: KFC (Neil Kurland)

And Last: Leave the Driving to Us: Greyhound
Leave the Drivel to Us: The Invitational (Tom Witte)

The headline "Ad-jest-ments" is by Jesse Frankovich; "Crack a Simile" is by Bill Dorner from an earlier Same Difference contest; Jon Carter wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 1: Our Week 25 neologism contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-25.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


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Subhead: (Jon Carter)
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The Invitational Week 25: F Things Up
A neologism contest. Plus winning fake trivia about climate and weather.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 22, 2023

(Photo from BoredPanda.com)
FOODWINKED! This week's Invitational contest: Change a word by adding, deleting, or substituting one or more F's, in honor of Jesse Frankovich's 1,000th blot of ink. See below.

Hi, everyone: It's Pat, still. It seems the hospital people decided to keep Gene another couple of days and check out a few other nuts and bolts while he's up on the lift, and so I'm afraid that the hilarious medical anecdotes that you sent in on the "Got a question" form are still awaiting Gene's "Well, if you think that's something" responses. Gene will get to them as soon as he can -- next Tuesday or, he hopes, in a special Gene Pool post before that. Meanwhile, you can continue to share your tales (as you did earlier this week) about penis peeling and scrotal tick extraction in the comment thread below (if you're reading this on an email, click here and then on "The Invitational Week 25"). And if you have questions or comments for Pat, put them in the thread below rather than using the form.

Meanwhile, if it's Thursday, it must be *

The Invitational Week 25: F things up with this neologism contest
Fartistry: Dad's special talent.

Foolah: Counterfeit money.

Foodwinked: Promised better eats than you got. "Those Jack in the Box tacos looked pretty good in the commercial ..."

Back in 2004, the Empress's first year, she ran a contest for anagrams of people and events in the news. The results were phenomenal. So phenomenal that this one, by a brand-new Loser from Michigan, one Jesse Frankovich, scored only an honorable mention:
The letters of
Earth Day: April twenty-second
anagram to
Hardy planet? We CAN destroy it!

For the next year or so, Jesse's name popped up maybe a dozen times in various Invite wordplay contests -- and, just as suddenly, disappeared. For years and years. Then, in 2015: "Super Soaker" is a good name for a water gun but a bad name for a
mortgage company. That ink in Week 1140 marked the beginning of The Frankofying of The Invitational: Virtually every week for the past 400, the transportation planner for the state of Michigan has been awash in Invite ink, averaging almost three blots in every contest -- 184 in one year alone.

And so we weren't surprised to learn that with his two picture captions last week, Jesse galloped up without a drop of sweat to the 1,000-ink mark -- an achievement that brings with it a "prize" that two of its five previous winners immediately and sanely declined but Jesse quickly embraced: a chance to choose and guest-judge an Invitational contest, even though he's gearing up for his wedding in a very few months. So this week you'll be writing for him -- but at least, for once, you don't have to compete with him.


Jesse with a booklet of his first 500 blots of ink, given to him at a dinner when he visited D.C. in 2019. Want a copy? Win this week's contest.
For Week 25, much as with the contests selected by K Club members Brendan Beary and Kevin Dopart, who also played off their initials: Create a new word, phrase, or name by replacing one or more letters in an existing one with F's, and/or by adding F's, as in Jesse's own examples above, and describe it, with a definition, its use in a funny sentence, or both.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-25. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, July 1, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 6.

This week's winner receives a collection of Jesse Frankovich's first 500 blots of ink, like the one he's holding up in the photo above, his award for making it into the Invite Hall of Fame. Guess what: It's really clever and really funny.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

The Jest Stream: Weather/climate fictoids from Week 23
Week 23 was our latest in The Invitational's long series of contests for bogus trivia, this time about climate and the weather -- as if that's not already supplied straight-faced 24 hours a day on your local social media outlet, and directly into your dental fillings. Despite the Empress's express warning that "jokes about 'hot air' and politicians almost never get ink," some of you evidently thought that didn't apply to your own gems such as "Expect blustery hot wind in the lead-up to the Iowa caucuses."

Third runner-up: The National Weather Service maintains a research facility housing more than 500 licensed groundhogs. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Fifty years ago, winter temperatures were thirty degrees colder and snowfall ten times what it is now, according to the Your Grandpa Climate Bureau. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: Eighty percent of all weather maps have something on it that looks like a penis. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the coloring book of farting cats: In the 1950s, the CIA secretly carpet-bombed South America with pesticides to try to kill all the butterflies that might start hurricanes. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Under the Weather: Honorable mentions
Weatherology is the study of meteors. (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Annual quicksand deaths in the U.S., which reached a reported high of 4,200 in 1977, have largely been eradicated by dryer weather and better screenwriting. (Jon Carter)

Progress in artificial snow has been so rapid that some researchers worry it could become an existential threat to regular snow. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

When a rainbow appears in the sky, Floridians are forbidden to look up. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

In 2022, thanks to drought and a receding Great Salt Lake, archaeologists uncovered twenty never-before-seen Pokemon. (Jon Carter)

Activists switched from the phrase "global warming" to "climate change" after twelve feet of snowpack was discovered in Tahiti. (Sam Mertens)

Alan Jay Lerner was inspired to write "The Rain in Spain" when the aircraft he was flying in was caught in a microburst at the Madrid airport. (Ed Gordon, Austin, Tex.)

Although temperatures in Texas rarely reach below freezing, more flakes accumulate there than in any other state. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Graupel" means "reindeer poop" in Finnish. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

As a result of drought conditions in 1940s Los Angeles, it took four years to film the pivotal scene in Singin' in the Rain. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Climate change is a boon to at least one agricultural sector: With the extended droughts in California, the Sun-Maid company now plants raisin vines, saving several steps in production. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Daniel Fahrenheit established 0o on his temperature scale as the point at which a rectal thermometer becomes unbearably cold. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Because of the coriolis effect, a man who "dresses right" in the northern hemisphere will "dress left" in the southern hemisphere. (Roy Ashley)

In the southern hemisphere, hurricanes are named alphabetically starting with Z. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Each snowflake has six points, just like the Star of David -- proof that Jews control the weather! -D.C. Council member Trayon White (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Ice floats because as water freezes, the H*O molecules form little life preserver shapes. (Kevin Dopart)

In 2024 the U.N.'s World Meterological Congress will replace the gender-binary terms El Nino and La Nina with gender-neutral Alex and Taylor. (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md.)

A butterfly flapping its wings in Central Park will have zero effect on the weather, if it knows what's good for it. (Jon Carter)

In the South, a sun-shower is sometimes called "the devil beating his wife." In the North, it's known as "tears of patriarchal oppression." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Kids play Twister at AccuWeather's meteorology summer camp, where there are no winners or losers but everyone gets a precipitation trophy. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Large metal objects reflect heat, which can lead to unstable weather patterns in their vicinity. This is why mobile-home parks tend to attract tornadoes. (Jonathan Jensen)

Schools in North Dakota have "clement weather" days built into the school calendar. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Thanks to their advanced balloon program, the Chinese are world leaders in forecasting Montana weather. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

The driest place on earth is the Atacama Desert in Chile, where it last rained in March 2015, one day after local resident Pablo Rimaldo washed his car. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Dust Bowl wreaked havoc on farmers in the 1930s until crop dusters were outfitted with tanks of Lemon Pledge. (Jon Carter)

The newest climate-related fashion statement among Republican legislators is a miniature, fully operable gas stove lapel pin. (Frank Osen)

The seas are NOT rising due to climate change. America is ACTUALLY SINKING due to the additional weight of illegal immigrants! - D.T., Miami-Dade County Courthouse (Rob Cohen)

The windiest place on Earth is in Greenland, and is aptly named Cap Farewell. (Tom Witte)

The slipperiness of ice is measured with a device called a bananamometer. (Jesse Frankovich)

To observe the separation of church and state, NOAA has discontinued forecasting "floods of biblical proportions" and instead has adopted the phrase "floods of Costco proportions." (Bill Dorner)

While neither snow nor rain nor heat will stay the couriers of the U.S. Postal Service, union reps point out that their motto says nothing about 6 mph winds, moderate tree pollen or a heavy dew. (Pam Shermeyer)

The headline "The Jest Stream" was submitted by both Rob Cohen and Jeff Contompasis, and both Beverley Sharp and Chris Doyle sent in the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 24: Our Week 24 contest to slightly change an ad slogan to use it for a different business. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-23.

Elden Carnahan memorial service
In last Thursday's Invitational we celebrated the wry humor -- and the enormous contribution to The Invitational as a social community -- of Elden Carnahan, who died last week. It's now been announced that a memorial service will be held on Saturday, July 15, at 2 p.m. at Laurel Presbyterian Church, Laurel, Md. Elden's daughter April and the Carnahan family have greatly appreciated the notes left at eldencarnahan.com, the blog April set up in his final months to share (very funny and quite moving) reminiscences.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.

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Idea: (Jesse Frankovich)
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich; Jesse Frankovich; Jesse Frankovich)
Title: (Rob Cohen; Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp; Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
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The Invitational Week 24: Your (B)ad Here
Tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product. Plus caption contest winners. And a salute to the Father of Loserdom.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 15, 2023

Elden Carnahan, 1952-2023, Hall of Fame Loser, Keeper of the Stats, and the founder of what's become known as the Loser Community.
If you are a fan of The Invitational, which you presumably are, because why the hell are you here if you are not, unless you are an idiot, so assuming you are a fan, there is someone who particularly deserves your gratitude.

It is not us, Pat Myers or Gene Weingarten; we are simply functionaries, drones, absurdist purveyors of rude and crude humor, disreputable vulgarians, etc. The person you most need to thank for the literally unprecedented endurance of this ridiculous humor contest is a man named Elden Carnahan. Elden's role has been kind of like Plato's, the chronicler of Socrates (a man who may not even have existed), or that of James Boswell, 9th Laird of Auchinleck, the comically coiffed Scottish biographer who decided Samuel Johnson's life's work was worth publicizing. We do not wish to compare The Invitational to Johnson's seminal Dictionary of the English Language, but there are certain parallels that cannot be denied. Elden Carnahan was a master chronicler.

In the spring of 1993, Elden snapped open his Sunday Washington Post, saw this brand-new rude contest -- in Section F -- that trafficked shamelessly in wildly edgy humor and realized Something Special and unpardonable was going on, right there in Katharine Graham's newspaper, something she evidently hadn't noticed and would have otherwise killed instantly.

Elden began to enter the contest, brilliantly, becoming one of its early stars with his wry, cynical takes on life both current and historical, going on to score more than 500 blots of ink over the years. But far more importantly for The Invitational, it was he who made the Invite into a competition among thousands of devoted contestants, and it was he who brought these same people -- before we even had an internet -- into what we now call a social community, one that continues to thrive in its thirty-first year.

Only a few months in, Elden happened to notice someone from his own town -- Laurel, Md., but he liked to call it Nether Scaggsville, after a neighboring village -- among the week's winners. And so he looked through the phone book (remember?) and decided to give that guy a call, and while he was at it, dial up a few of the other funny people who'd gotten ink that week, and suggest they all have breakfast somewhere.

That began what would become the monthly Loser brunches (No. 247 is this Sunday in Gaithersburg, Md.), all coordinated by Elden, and eventually annual summer and winter parties as well as whole vacation trips as far afield as Las Vegas. Elden even started up a snail-mail newsletter -- Depravda -- for the crowd that called itself the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society, and finally the comprehensive website NRARS.org.

But what Elden did for The Invitational, the thing that ensured its excellence week after week, decade after decade, was that he turned it into a competition, a continual battle among its most devoted contestants to rise in the standings -- standings that the NSA statistics nerd compiled and elaborated on meticulously, every single week, for 29 years, until finally turning his enormous role (the stats AND the social events AND a complete archive of every contest) to a whole team of Losers as his body began to fail him. The annual "Flushies" awards of Loser of the Year, Rookie of the Year, and many more have kept a cadre of world-class humorists willing to work for trinkets. The top Invitationalists could have worked for Saturday Night Live; instead they've worked for prizes like fossilized weasel dung and gopher drool. Because Elden gave them a cheesy fame, and, more important, a family.

Elden died this week of a brain tumor, at 71. (A memorial service in a couple of weeks or so will be announced soon.) Please raise a glass for him, preferably something a little sour, but not bitter, with a funny but un-ignorable, slightly bizarre aftertaste, say, fermented cranberry juice with fig-infused vodka.

We don't want to get maudlin here -- Elden would have had no patience for that -- but he was a man with an indefatigable devotion to something others might have dismissed as a triviality. He was a zealot, in the best possible way. We owe him an enormous debt. And we wish he were here to enter this week's contest -- it's right up his alley.

Four of Elden's 594 blots of Invite ink:

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. -- From a contest for spoofs on inspirational quotes, 2003

Due to a transcription error, the Indian prime minister's wife at Tuesday's White House dinner was incorrectly described as wearing "a sorry ensemble." -- Imagined newspaper corrections, 2005

Botox clinic: For That Frosty Mug Sensation! -- Repurposed product slogans, 2004

A Chicken in Every Garage: Dan Quayle -- Campaign slogans, 1993

--

And now to Invitational Week 24:
When it rains, it pours: Longtime slogan for Morton's Salt.
When it pours, it reigns: A good slogan for Goodyear Tires.

I'm Lovin' It: McDonald's
I'm Glovin' It: American Association of Proctologists

Here's a contest suggested a while back by Loser Al Lubran: For Invitational Week 24: Alter a slogan that's associated with one business or organization and apply it to another one; it can be good or bad -- either an appropriate slogan or a comically inappropriate one -- but it has to be some variation on the original, not the original one itself (we did that contest more than once already; see Elden's "Frosty mug sensation" above). If it's not totally obvious what the original product and slogan were, include both, as in the examples above. But please, for sorting purposes, write each of your entries on a single line; we'll turn them back into two lines for you.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-24. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 24, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 29.


Win this week's contest and take this crab hat away from this little girl.
This week's winner receives a stylish and eye-catching (perhaps literally) crab hat, donated by Longtime Loser Dave Prevar and modeled above by the Empress's neighbor Ms. Kennedy Matthews, who is going to be 4 (but the hat can fit a larger head).

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.


The latest in our series of Legal Tinder. Photoshopping by Valerie Holt.

Picture Diss: Winning captions from Week 22
In Week 22, our second such contest in the Substack era, we invited captions for any of the pictures below. Numerous Losers said that Picture A -- or, less humorously, Picture B -- was a good example of "resting bitch face."


A beagle and a West Highland white terrier.
Winner of the Bob Ross stickers: "Dude, you have to break free from the ritualistic practices of the anthroparchy!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Uh, Bailey, it doesn't say 'Best in Show.' It says you had a rabies shot." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

"Not sure if I can trust that handshake without a quick butt-sniff first." (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md.)

"Sir, I served with Snoopy. I knew Snoopy. Snoopy was a friend of mine. Sir, you are no Snoopy." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

"Everyone's constantly asking me who's a good dog. Do you happen to know?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

"Believe me, I did not have sexual relations with that leg." (Kevin Dopart)

"Gimme four !" (Stu Segal, Charlotte, N.C.)

"Is it because I'm a West Highland White? Because believe me, I don't see color." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)


Anonymous portrait of Isabella I of Castile, Queen of Spain, c. 1491
First runner-up: Sadly, Margaret was born 400 years before Ex-Lax was invented. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: "Why do you think I'm not amused? I am amused. You amuse me. You are an amuser. Need I go on?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"Dear, can you please explain this copy of The 120 Days of Sodom that I found under the bed?" (Tom Witte)

Go to the RennFest and get dressed up, he said. It will be a blast, he said.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.)

Billie Eilish can trace her ancestry back more than five hundred years. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Beneath the facade, Agnes was a party animal at heart. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Thus began the age-old question: "Why the long face?" (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

"Mr. Giuliani, it appears you're sticking with the same old story." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

*****


Loser Alan Hochbaum at the Museum of Illusions, Atlanta
Jim always volunteers to hold a table for the gymnastics team. (Kevin Dopart)

As the twister blows through the diner, Luke considers the pros and cons of having eaten those pancakes and scrapple. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

She knew this would be a short date when he insisted on demonstrating the advantages of stapling his shirt to his pants. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Some restaurants only make you sing for your supper. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

"I've got to remember to put more glue on my yarmulke before my next livestream." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

******


Pompeo Batoni, "Susannah and the Elders," 1751 (a seriously unfunny Old Testament story)
Third runner-up: "Look, I unsubscribed after the trial offer. Why won't you marketers leave me alone?" (Pam Shermeyer)

Inspectors were finally satisfied that Helen wasn't a man in drag, but said she had to leave the premises for her now indecent state of undress. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Sorry, cash only -- I don't accept bull testicles as a form of payment." (Tom Witte)

A young Pompeo Batoni was crushed when his teacher stamped a near-failing grade in the corner of his painting. (Duncan Stevens)

--


Peter Paul Rubens's drawing of his new wife, Helena Fourment, c. 1631.
Agnes was worried she'd be too conspicuous at the opera if she wore just one glove. (April Musser, Georgia)

Uneasy lies the head that wears the plunger. (Jesse Frankovich)

Before the invention of tinfoil, conspiracy theorists used less effective methods to ward off alien signals. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.; Terri Berg Smith)

Carol Kane stars in "All the Queen's Pawns." (Jean Sorensen)

Madame de Pompadork was not a favorite at the French court. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Hey, my eyes are down here." (Jeff Rackow)

--


"Meat Violin," a painted sculpture by Alexander Reisfar
Tonight's special: Minuet steak. (Jeff Rackow)

"The chef assures you this one will be less stringy." (Judy Freed; Kevin Dopart)

Afterward, the critics varyingly described the performance as "tender and raw," "jerky and disjointed," "well past its tipping point" or "offal tripe." The musician shrugged: "Live and loin." (Pam Shermeyer)

It takes a rare set of chops to cut it in the New York Filetharmonic. (Jon Gearheart)

--


"Hamlet Showing His Mother the Ghost of his Father" by Nikolaj Abildgaard. 1778
"Behold, the moon shines bright in such a night as this!" (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"I don't care who you are -- you could be the Duke of Earl and you'd still have to pay." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

The origin of the phrase "how 'bout them apples" was discovered only recently. (Neil Kurland)

"Mom, that is no way to tell my pants are too tight!" (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

"Actually, I asked for a piece of ice, but this'll do." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

"I appreciate the testicular exam offer, but I'm just here for a sore throat." (Jeff Hazle)

___


A cartoon drawn for us by "Barney & Clyde" comic strip artist David Clark, featuring the title characters: billionaire J. Barnard Pillsbury and Clyde Finster of no fixed address. Gene writes the strip with Horace LaBadie.
"Told you you shouldn't have rushed that covid vaccine through trials." (Jeff Contompasis)

"Other than not being able to use a public bathroom in Arkansas, it's great." (Kevin Dopart)

"I'm feeling a little sluggish -- you'll have to drive yourself to work today, Frank." (Jon Gearhart)

"Sure, most women are repulsed, but every now and then I luck into a kinky one." (Tom Witte)

"Eat one of these and you can join me." (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

__

The headline "Picture Diss" is by Jon Gearhart.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 17: Our Week 23 contest for bogus trivia about climate or weather. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-23.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Al Lubran)
Examples: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: ()
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
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