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Week 1628, Published 02/06/2025
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The Invitational Week 110: Pith Us Off
Write us a short, snarky 'Balliol rhyme' about someone. Plus our 'joint legislation' winners.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 06, 2025

Who Is Elon Musk?
Hello.

We return today to Balliol rhymes for the first time in five years, the second time ever. Like this one, which we just wrote for you in two minutes. It's easy, but not easy to do well:

I'm Elon Musk. I run SpaceX.
Huge donor to your Donald Rex.
Rules? Ha! I'm in noncompliance!
The reason? It ain't rocket science *
For Invitational Week 110: Write a quatrain (or two) of Balliol rhyme -- a Victorian form of verse mocking some person. Here's the drill:

-- Each verse is four li'l lines, rhyming AA/BB, with exactly four accented syllables in each line, as in Gene's example above. (Here are the results of our 2020 contest, featuring such then-headliners as Gordon Sondland, Rod Blagojevich, and, hm, Elon Musk.)

-- It's in first person, in the voice of the person being mocked. Traditionally the name of the person appears in Line 1, but that's not required; in fact, you may omit the name entirely and instead put it in a title.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 15, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 20. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Formatting this week: As with all our poetry contests, don't follow our standard request to write each entry as a single line. Just format the poems as they should look when published. Do put a line of space between your poems if you're writing more than one.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-110.

This week's winner gets yet one more 2025 calendar, this one celebrating our natural world with sixteen months' worth of gloriously priapic boulders, cactuses, mushrooms, etc. Donated by Alex Blackwood, guiding light of the Style Invitational Devotees group, who knows an Invite prize when she sees one. The only thing we can't figure out: We don't see any ducks in the photos.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Dorkness at Noon: Check out the newly updated calendar for the Loser Community's monthly brunches etc. across the D.C.-Baltimore area (and even Gettysburg). All Invitational fans are welcome; it's just relaxed eat 'n' chat, not competitive repartee. Next up: Feb. 16 in Annapolis.

LOL Call: The 'joint legislation' of Week 108
Invitational Week 108 was our biennial contest, run at the start of each congressional session, to combine new members' names into "joint legislation," a bill they'd cosponsor because their strung-together names sound like some phrase.

Third runner-up:
The Crank-King-Hinds Act to promote twerking for physical fitness.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
The Knott-Bynum Resolution to resist indulging in coins, lies, and other assorted MAGA crap.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
The Jack-Hamadeh Act to create a holiday honoring America's road crews.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Bernie Sanders finger puppet:
The Jack-Kennedy-Knott-Crank bill to clarify the difference between JFK and RFK Jr. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the 'bills' above is your favorite?
3rd runner-up: Crank-King twerking
2nd RU: Knot-Bynum, all the crap
1st RU: Jack-Hamadeh road crew day
The winner: JFK vs. RFK Jr.
339 VOTES . 1 DAY REMAINING
As always, if you think the best among today's inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

Sorry for Your Laws: Honorable mentions
The Harris-Onder-Johnson Manscaping Resolution (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The Justice-Knott-Hurd-Whitesides Act to compensate for all that unfair DEI nonsense the Supreme Court has been putting out since 1954. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Barrett-Onder-Fields Act to celebrate ancient Greece by introducing nude outdoor sports in public schools. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

The Sheehy-Bell Act to establish an alarm system for any federal employee still displaying their -- we mean his or her -- pronouns in an email signature. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

The Messmer-Schmidt Act to replace Air Force One with Hitler's personal airplane. (Ron Osher, Memphis, Tenn., a First Offender)

(URGENT MESSAGE! For the first time in the storied 32-year history of The Invitational, we are interrupting the natural flow of the Honorable Mentions to tell a pertinent joke. We will likely never do this again. You are watching history. This joke takes place in 1965. A World War I fighter pilot is giving a speech at a library. He is discussing a dogfight he had in 1914 with German planes. He says: "There was a Fokker in front of me! A Fokker behind me! Two Fokkers on top of me!" The librarian, seeing some discomfort in the elderly audience, interrupted: "I should mention that 'Fokkers' were a type of German aircraft. That was their name." And the elderly fighter pilot says, 'Yes, that is correct, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts."

Just for the record, before we get back to the honorable mentions: Hitler's personal plane was a Fokker, not a Messerschmitt.)

--

The Bell-Min-Hurd-Knott Act to acknowledge that what happens in a Marriott stays in a Marriott. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

The Hamadeh-Ansari Resolution to atone on Yom Kippur for eating pork all year long. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Jack-Schmidt Proclamation on how much President Trump really knows about tariffs, Greenland, and President McKinley. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The Gray-Ansari Resolution apologizing for everything Boomer legislators have done in the last two decades. (David Smith, Pleasanton, Calif.)

The Moody-Gray-Crank Act ordering you to get off the lawn. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

The Slotkin-Knott-Barrett-Moore act to prohibit excessive sexual effort by men in bed. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Knott-Hurd-Simon Rule to prohibit congressional motions on the floor unless preceded by the proper authorizing phrase. (Kevin Dopart)

The Knott-Jack-Kennedy Act honoring the career of former vice president Dan Quayle. (Jon Ketzner)

The Barrett-Tran-Johnson Act: A GOP bill requiring "certain people" to undress before entering public restrooms. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

The Knott-Moore-Begich bill to impose universal airline carry-on limits. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Knott-Pou-King-Hinds Act to ban sodomy. (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.; Mark Raffman)

The Moore-Rivas-Alsobrooks-Onder-Fields Act to expand the National Flood Insurance Program. (Chris Doyle)

The Barrett-Biggs-Figures Act to encourage body shape positivity on the nation's beaches. (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

The Biggs-Knott bill to subsidize public tissue dispensers. (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jeff Shirley)

The Bynum-Moore-Banks Act to stop the next bailout before it begins. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Ken April, Rockville, Md.)

The Gray-Harris-Conaway Bill to Give Government Officials a Lifetime Supply of L'Oreal (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.; Mark Raffman)

The Turner-Moore-Min Act encouraging women to join the Church of Latter-Day Saints. (Judy Freed; Rob Cohen)

The Turner-Whitesides bill requires beach chairs to have a rotisserie function. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The Goodlander-Moore-Fields-Moore-Banks-Alsobrooks Act encouraging Sully Sullenberger to try some new trick landings. (David Smith)

The Jack-Min bill to save the wolverine. (Barbara Turner; Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

The Johnson-Barrett-Knott Anti-Flashing Act. (Jonathan Paul; Barbara Turner)

The King-Hinds-Barrett Act to publicly expose royal a-holes. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The Downing-Moore-Whitesides Act for the Promotion of Cole Slaw, Mashed Potatoes, and Cauliflower (Seth Christenfeld; Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich)

The Johnson-Crank Act to fund research into mechanical solutions to ED. (Chris Doyle)

The Turner-Crank Act to get your mama's motor running so she can stimulate growth in the privates sector. (Jon Gearhart)

The Downing-Moore-Liccardo-Knott-Riley-Turner-Crank bill to offer barflies friendly advice on flirting. (Jonathan Paul)

The headline "LOL Call" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 8: Pick words here and there from Trump's inaugural address to write your own "quote." (You don't even have to read the appalling original; we have a list of all the words.) Click on the link below.


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Judging: ()
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Prize: (Alex Blackwood)
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Week 1627, Published 01/30/2025
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The Invitational Week 109: The Alternaugural Address
Write something funnier with the words from the latest Jan. 20 diatribe. Plus AMAZING anagrams.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 30, 2025


Is it the BACONATOR or some fake CRAB-TOONA? See more anagrams for the Wendy's artery assault in today's results.
Hello. Or, alternatively, "O hell."

Today's Invitational results are from our Week 107 anagram contest, in which we challenged you to scramble and rescramble all sorts of things, which you did to great result. The contest was inaugurated around the time of the Inauguration, meaning that one thing on everyone's minds was the new malevolence in the White House. We make no apologies for a certain theme that inevitably permeated the entries.

In the meanwhile:

"Aliens from Mars love me, you know. 'Great One,' they said to me, 'make our planet your new state.' I said, 'Perhaps after Panama.'"
For Invitational Week 109: Using only words that Trump used during his 2025 inaugural address, write either a fake passage from an alternative inaugural speech, as above, or just anything else: a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, whatever. For consistency, please use the White House transcript, skipping over notes like "(applause)." You may also attribute your quote to someone other than Trump, or to no one. Within a single entry, you can't use a word more often than Trump used it.

Since we've done a number of "word bank" contests over the years, we've developed some ground rules about hyphens, capitalization, whether you can add an S to a word, etc. And if you're gagging at the prospect of mulling over the re-president's odious fulmination over and over -- you're saved: You don't actually have to read it! Because once again, Hall of Fame Loser Gary Crockett has provided us with a list of every word Trump said, along with the number of times it occurs in the speech. See both the rules and the word list at this link right here.

How long should these things be? Depends on how funny and clever they are; if an entry becomes boring or difficult to read, we're likely to toss it. To see what we went for last time, see the nifty inking entries from our 2024 State of the Union contest.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 8, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 13. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: It's just our standard request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until you're finished that particular entry). That way we can shuffle all the entries and won't know if you've sent us one entry or 25.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-109.

This week's winner gets a candle encased in this little metal shell (pictured front and back). We have it on excellent authority that Donald Trump received five of these as gifts from all his known children. Donated by superdad Jeff Contompasis.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Wittiness > Witness It: The multi-anagrams of Week 107
In Invitational Week 107 we asked for a sentence or two that included either (a) a word or name plus at least two anagrams of it or (b) a multi-word phrase that included at least one anagram of it. We would declare the results utterly astonishing in their ingenuity, except that these and other Losers have repeatedly blown our socks off in previous Invite anagram contests. Remember, each of these anagrams rearranges all the letters in the original phrase, with no letter used twice.

Third runner-up:
Come across FLORIDA MAN and you'll see RANDOM FAIL. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:

The EGOMANIAC,
A MEGA-ICON,
I.E., MAGA CON,
has COME AGAIN. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:

"SACRE bleu!" complained Usha. "No fair!
JD's foisted this immigrant SCARE!
No one CARES there's no basis,
He's off to the RACES --
And soon to deport our au pair." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings that look like miniature plastic bags holding live goldfish:
FACE IT--HARMFUL EGO! Our CHIEF GOLF AMATEUR, who cannot distinguish a HUGE LIE FROM A FACT, favors the name THE GULF OF AMERICA. (Jesse Frankovich)

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which among the top four winners is your favorite?
3rd runner-up: Florida Man
13%
2nd RU: Mass deportations
0%
1st RU: Sacre, scare, cares, races
13%
The winner: Gulf of America
73%
15 VOTES . 2 DAYS REMAINING
As always, if you think the best among today's inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

LOSERS -- OR LESS: Honorable mentions
Donald and I, STORMY DANIELS, did it once -- his mushroom dick reminded me of TINY MORELS. SAD. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

In better times, she'd slice the LIMES,
And SMILE and salt the glass.
But the MILES we'd roll would take their toll:
Tequila kicked our ass. (Mark Raffman)

It would be a DIRE SIN for a biology INSIDER not to know the difference between an amphibious SIRENID and flying IRENIDS and NERIIDS. (Yes, I IS NERD.*) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

In ELON'S "SIEG HEIL" SALUTE on Inauguration Day, I SEE SOUL-SELLING HATE. (Chris Doyle)

The ELON MUSK NAZI SALUTE pleased the USUAL ZEALOT KINSMEN. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The BACONATOR might not contain a COAT O' BRAN* OR CAN O' BAT * or even something obviously fake like CRAB-TOONA, but it does contain the key to your next clogged artery. (Leif Picoult)

America PINES for a prez with a SPINE
And the judgment (let's keep this between us)
To make dictators quail, and not list us for sale
To the ones who keep stroking his EGO. (Mark Raffman)

Hey, federal workers, what do you want to do on Trump's EXECUTIVE ORDERS?
"EXCRETE? VOID? SURE!" (Duncan Stevens)

According to Pat Robertson, SANCTUARY CITIES are a plot to give immigrants SATANIC SECURITY. (Chris Doyle)

THE WASHINGTON PIST: IT HASN'T GOT HIP NEWS
(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; animation from Wordsmith,org)

CATS' ACTS CAST SCAT. (Jeff Contompasis)

Hasn't MELANIA TRUMP had enough of MR. MANIPULATE? (Jonathan Jensen)

If you've bought a TRUMP MEME COIN, you've MET PREMIUM CON. (Duncan Stevens)

I went to an IMAGINE DRAGONS concert and risked SENIOR-DAMAGING * GONAD MIGRAINES. (Jeff Contompasis)

Mark Zuckerberg hopes META'S "MASCULINE ENERGY" will attract INSECURE MAGA-STYLE MEN. (Chris Doyle)

So three guys, ARNOLD, ROLAND, and RONALD, walk into a bra * (Jeff Contompasis)

At the end of THE TRUMP ERA, I will gleefully shout "TERM UP, HATER!" (Jonathan Jensen)

To Blake Lively, JUSTIN BALDONI has worked himself into a JAIL-BOUND SNIT. To Justin Baldoni, BLAKE LIVELY is BLEAKLY EVIL. (Chris Doyle)

THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS is where NUTCASES DISSENT TOGETHER. (Jesse Frankovich)

I WILL ASK THIS: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A POLAR BEAR //
WITH A SEAL? WHY, IT'S NO SHOCK, SIR--YOU WOULD GET A POLAR BEAR! (The words after the slashes form a perfect anagram of the opening words.) (Jesse Frankovich)

Whenever I would hear Doris Day sing "Que SERA, SERA" * it would SEAR my ARSE. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

While a teenager, ALEC GUINNESS exhibited GENUINE CLASS even while suffering ACNE UGLINESS. (Jeff Contompasis)

Once again, the FELON PRESIDENT brought in his FETID PERSONNEL. (Jonathan Jensen)

You thought you'd heard all the rumors about PETE HEGSETH, but did you hear what happened when he said, "GET THE SHEEP"? (Duncan Stevens)

When the man with the orange MANE coins a MEAN NAME, I hope a few follicles fall out. AMEN! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

And Last: The cartoonist was so mad she could SPIT! She shouted, "This job is the PITS!" So she quit. (You can read all about it in The Washington PIST.) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And Even Laster: With GENE POOL INKS, we KEEP ON LOSING. (Jesse Frankovich)

Note: We do want you to get to the rest of The Gene Pool, and we know it
doesn't fit the contest's call for "a sentence or two," but we have to show
you Jon Gearhart's tour-de-force fantasy of THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS by
Trump, which includes fifteen anagrams of that phrase. It's just below, after
the "Still running" line.

Oh, here's one really last And Last: Next week, JOINT LEGISLATION will yield NO GIANT JOLLITIES. (Jeff Contompasis)

The headline "Wittiness > Witness It" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 1: It's our biennial "Joint Legislation" wordplay contest. Send us some giant jollities!

Trump's Alt-Inaugural speech, containing fifteen different anagrams for "The
State of the Union Address", by Jon Gearhart:

This inaugural speech can act as my substitute for THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
that I should have been giving in 2021 following my other landslide victory.
ATTN DEFEATED ONES: O SHIT -- RUSH!! In case you were wondering,
I SENT THE DRONES OUT, FATHEADS. Wherever my enemies try to hide, I will
FIND THE AREA TO SEND OUT THE SS and THEN DO NEFARIOUS DEATH TESTS on them.
(Oops, how did that get on the teleprompter?) THESE SHATTERED FOUNDATIONS
that Joe Biden has left for our country need to be rebuilt along with an
electrified border wall 100 feet high. For those who saw fit during Biden's
watch to DASH TO THE U.S. -- DEFENESTRATION will begin promptly. There will be
THOUSANDS OF TIES THREATENED as you either must abandon your children who were
born here or take them with you when we throw you out an 80-foot-high window
installed in the wall just for this purpose. HO, THERE -- STUDENT AID'S NOT SAFE
anymore. Biden wanted to pay off your loans, but that ship has sailed.
Don't go trying TO HIDE THE ASSETS AND FORTUNE you amassed while not paying
off your loans during the COVID hoax -- I wrote the book on hiding assets,
so I know where to find them. THE DEI TREND'S OUT FANS, SO HATE will be the
law of the land. I have NOTED THE U.S. RED STATE FASHION in the District
all week and approve bigly, but I'm actually surprised there's not more
FAT-HEADED TOUR SNOT IN SHEETS roaming around. Take comfort in knowing
THAT THE END OF U.S. TEARS IS DONE as I take over. Prepare to congratulate us
ON THE UNTIED STATES OF RED ASH, 'cause my pals and I are gonna
burn this mother down. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)



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Week 1626, Published 01/23/2025
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The Invitational Week 108: Bill Us Now
A wordplay game to join congressional names to 'cosponsor'
legislation. Plus winning names for the Eighth Dwarf.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Jan 23, 2025
We expect that new Rep. Crank is going to be cosponsoring a lot of
"legislation" in this week's Invitational contest.
Hello. Applause for the new Congress. On the one clapping hand, it
seems to be a rubber stamp for the wishes of a new president,
whom we hereafter will call Porky. On the other, there are pretty
good names in there.
So:
The Knott-Hurd-Taylor bill to establish that any music written in the
21st century isn't worth listening to.
The Bynum-Moore-Justice Act to permit lobbyists to contribute to
the Supreme Court's favorite "charities."
The Turner-Moody Act to get another beer for us, will ya?
The Knott-Harrigan bill to ban Sarah Palin from ever trying to make a
comeback.
What, you're not feeling all that great this week, watching helplessly
as a horde of thugs gleefully smashes into pillar after pillar of our
democracy and decency, like the Taliban taking sledgehammers to
1,500-year-old sculptures because they weren't of their preferred
sect?
Well, we at The Invitational are here to divert you, as we are every
two years at the beginning of another congressional session, with
our beloved (and occasionally behated) "joint legislation" game -- in
which we pretend that two or more freshman senators and/or House
members might actually work together to suggest a new law.
For Invitational Week 108: Combine two or more names from the
new members of the 119th Congress -- click here for our list
-- to "cosponsor" a bill based on their combined last names, as
in the examples above.
We're just playing with the sounds of their names, not
commenting on the sens and reps (and even a couple of dels)
themselves. That's why the list doesn't mention their parties, or
even their first names. Learning that we'd be getting good names for
this list -- Crank! Figures! Pou! the perennial Johnson! -- at least
gave us a half an iota of cheer on election night.
The Czar and Empress implore you, having judged eighteen
previous Joint Legislation contests between us: A pun on these
names that's clear to you is not necessarily clear to anyone else in
the world. Before you send in your entry, ask someone else to read it
out loud and, without hints, body English, etc., tell you what phrase
you had in mind. There can be a little stretch in the sound, as in
"Harrigan" meaning "her again" in the example above, but don't use
that name to mean, say, "harry gams." For guidance 'n' inspiration,
take a look at our 2023 inking entries (the winner, by Pam
Shermeyer: The Ogles-Magaziner-Jackson-Self Act to encourage
sperm bank donations.).
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 1, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run
here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 6. As usual, you may submit
up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same
form.
Formatting this week: It's just our standard request to write each
entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until you're finished that
particular entry). That way we can shuble all the entries and won't
know if you've sent us one entry or 25.
Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/invform-
108.
This week's winner, while we're thinking congressionally, receives
an adorable finger puppet depicting Sen. Bernie Sanders very well
except for its highly uncharacteristic silence. Yeah, it should have
been a mitten, but it's still awfully cute. Donated by Dave Prevar.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or
Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get
bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for
First Ink for First Obenders.
Gnomenclature: The Eighth Dwarfs of Week 106
In Invitational Week 106 we asked you to come up with amusing
names for an Eighth Dwarf to complement Sneezy, Happy, and the
rest of Snow White's adjectival posse.
Third runner-up:
BERNY changes the lyrics to "It's ob to work we go, with a minimum
wage of $15 per hour." (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Second runner-up:
ENNUI is the only dwarf who doesn't whistle while he works. He
sighs. (Je8 Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)
First runner-up:
JENZY: He's the entitled one who wants to work in the mine
remotely by Zoom. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
And the winner of the plushie uterus-and-ovaries:
IRONY: Is dead. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
Miner Characters: Honorable mentions
COSBY: Who do you think gave the Evil Queen the sleeping
potion? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
BEEPY: Goes everywhere in reverse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
BIGLY: A great dwarf, the greatest, many people are saying. (Mike
Bardallis, Allen Park, Mich., a First O8ender)
SNOOTFUL: Bashful's twin brother, who found a special potion to
overcome his shyness. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
BEERMY: Every evening his mood changes from happy to dopey to
grumpy and finally sleepy. (Je8 Hazle, San Antonio)
CANARY has PTSD from his old job at the coal mine. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
DICEY makes crypto recommendations.to the other Dwarfs. (Daniel
Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)
FAPPY: He'll be right back once he's * done. (Je8 Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
HANDSY, the miners say, knows her way around a shaft. (Steve
Smith)
OXY: Such a popular guy, people just can't quit him. (Sam Mertens)
BOTTY replaced all the other dwarfs' mining jobs. (Jesse Frankovich,
Laingsburg, Mich.)
CLAMMY: He's just * resting. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)
PHLEGMY, Sneezy's brother, who is always near you on the
Metro. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
SLOOPY: Not a real dwarf, just a hanger-on. (Mike Gips, Bethesda,
Md.)
DISNEY insists that you cease and desist from infringing on this
copyrighted material. (Jason Meyers, Hamilton, N.Y., whose last
Invite ink was in 2002)
DINKLAGE is sick and tired of the fucking stereotypes
already. (Jason Meyers, again!)
SOAPY is waiting for her rinse to come. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
And Last: DOYLY: He is a composer of brilliant puns, limericks,
spoonerisms, double dactyls, and song parodies, and has appeared
in a certain humor contest almost three thousand times. And he
crochets little lacy things. (Je8 Hazle)
And Even Laster: NOPEY: The Empress. (Jesse Frankovich)
The headline "Gnomenclature" was submitted by both Jon Gearhart
and Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions
subhead.
Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 25: our Week 107
anagram contest. Click on the link below.

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Prize: (Dave Prevar)
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Week 1625, Published 01/16/2025
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The Invitational Week 107: Twits' Twist -- fun with anagrams
Plus our winning obit poems for the ex-folks of 2024.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 16, 2025


Size doesn't matter: 4-7 sex therapist Ruth Westheimer, the subject of four varied obit poems in today's results.
Hello.

Have you thought much about Donald Trump, the anagrammatical president? He is both evil and vile, and he is live, but mostly in the sense of a grenade held in a bare hand with the pin removed; moreover, he hides behind a veil of treachery, just like Levi, the biblical character who duped the Shechemite men into getting circumcised, and then slaughtered them gleefully during their writhing agony.

When Gene ran a similar sentence in The Gene Pool a few days ago, we realized we had the makings of a contest: to anagram a word in multiple ways. On the other hand, we didn't want to exclude those virtuoso anagrams of longer phrases, like this classic by Chris Doyle that makes a sentence with no extra words: The Invitational Losers * have nostrils in a toilet."

So let's have it both ways:

For Invitational Week 107: Write an entertaining sentence or two that contain either:

(a) a word or name and two or more anagrams of it, as in Gene's example above; or

(b) a series of words and at least one anagram of it, as in Chris's. Your sentence(s) may include other words as well, but please make it clear to us where the anagram is (putting it in all capitals, for example). You may ignore spacing and punctuation when anagramming. For longer anagrams, use Anu Garg's handy-dandy and fun Wordsmith Anagram Checker to make sure you've used all the letters in your phrase, and no others.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 25, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 30. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: It's just our standard request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until you're finished that particular entry). That way we can shuffle all the anonymous entries.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-107.

This week's winner receives something whose very existence is sure to prompt: "But why?" Well, because who wouldn't want to have fake pet-store bags of fake water containing fake goldfish hanging from their ears? The Empress fell so deeply in love with this fine jewelry that she bought her own pair, and her ears aren't even pierced; she'll include the same little clips she uses as adapters for her virgin lobes.


For a koi mistress: This week's prize earrings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

The Late Edition: The obit poems of Week 105
In Invitational Week 105 we made our usual invitation (it's in our name!) to celebrate in verse anyone who'd died last year. Of course we got lots for Jimmy Carter, who qualified for this year's contest by just two days, but none of them quite had the dead-on tone and wit that this week's inking obit poems possess.

Third runner-up:
Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), sex therapist
Dr. Ruth's former patients paid their respects
And almost could hear her exclaim:
"It's vunderful to have enjoyed such success --
I'm so happy zat all of you came!"
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Shigeichi Negishi (1923-2024)
Give a shout for Shigeichi Negishi,
Who brought us together with song.
For the man who invented the karaoke machine
A moment of silence seems wrong.
(Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
O.J. Simpson (1947-2024)
He ran through defenses with power and skill,
Through airports he ran as a rental car shill,
He ran from the law with the copters above,
Then he ran into luck with an ill-fitting glove.
He ran out of time, though, and now he's begun,
In a place he deserves, one last very long run.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the "glow knife" that looks as if it's stuck through your head:
Robert Pickton (1949-2024), serial killer
Most hardworking humans who live on a farm
Would not be considered a cause for alarm.
But a cold-blooded killer (this poem explains)
Once nourished his piglets with human remains.
One after another he lured to their deaths;
He strangled those women-- he stole their last breaths.
Police said he killed thirty-three of them (Lordy!)
Offended, he bragged, "It was way over forty!"
The world now is rid of him (so says our audit):
He no longer lives on that farm, 'cause he bought it.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Death Be Not Wowed: Honorable mentions
William Post (1927-2024), creator of Pop-Tarts
We've lost inventor William Post,
A businessman who gained acclaim
For making pastries we can toast
And upping Kellogg's breakfast game.
Now every year 3 billion sell,
Which brings in untold piles of gelt,
But folks keep asking why in hell
The Pop-Tart icing doesn't melt.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

David Bouley (1953-2024), superstar chef
Saint Peter says to Chef Bouley,
"We're thrilled that you've arrived today.
An ample kitchen's here above
For you to make the things you love.
You'll have it all, and nothing want,
For your eternal restaurant."
"You have my thanks," the great chef says,
"But lots of luck to get a rez."
(Mark Raffman)

Peter Higgs (1929-2024), who discovered the Higgs boson, a particle that binds the universe together
I. Physics in the Trump Age
Can Peter's puny boson (science tells us it exists)
Unite the universe (which it's been doing from the start),
Despite a preening bozo who, at every turn, insists
On driving the inhabitants of Planet Earth apart?
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

II. Peter Higgs proposed a boson;
Now that gent no longer goes on.
Though his passing makes us sad,
Still, he two good half-lives had.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jim Abrahams (1944-2024), writer-director
Jim Abrahams of Airplane! fame
Died at age 80 -- too early.
Call him juvenile, tasteless, and lacking in shame
As long as you don't call him -- James (he always hated that).
(Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Kamala (c. 1974-2024), an Asian elephant euthanized in November
Kamala the Elephant lived at the National Zoo;
Kamala the Candidate? She lives in D.C., too.
They share a famous name -- and more:
Both got bumped off in '24. (Beverley Sharp)

Richard Simmons (1948-2024), exercise leader
He got us all Sweatin' to the Oldies,
And sending him cash from our billfoldies.
(Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Liam Payne (1993-2024), boy-band star:
They mourn, the fans of erstwhile Liam,
That henceforth they will never see him.
From time, alas, there's no protection:
It moves in only One Direction.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Julia Hawkins (1916-2024), centenarian cycling and track athlete
For Julia Hawkins, at a hundred and five,
Life was more than just thankfully being alive.
Breaking national times at that age in two dashes,
She wowed on the track and displayed what panache is.
Last year she succumbed at a hundred and eight,
Then blew right past Saint Peter and through heaven's gate. (Chris Doyle)

Jennell Jaquays (1956-2024), video game artist
Jennell Jaquays, her artistry in D&D we knew;
Her skills were seen in Donkey Kong, and soon the legend grew.
And when she passed, Saint Peter greeted her and said, "Come through
These pearly gates -- the game goes on: You've now reached Level Two."
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Two unfortunate explorers in Washington state
Into the forest went two eager men,
Seeking out Bigfoot, that creature of lore.
But soon they got lost in a search for its den.
Found three days later, they'll hunt nevermore.
If Sasquatch exists, then our genes may be linked.
But if so, he is thriving. These guys are extinct.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), sex therapist
I. This 4-foot-7 powerhouse from heaven can report:
"Life is meant for pleasure, though at times we'll come up short."
She'd want us to be joyful, no faces sad and stony.
So, in her honor, celebrate your lingam and your yoni.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

II. Higgledy piggledy,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer,
News of her passing caused
Many to sniff.
Expert in sexual
Psychoanalysis,
Finally it was her
Turn to get stiff. (Jesse Frankovich)

III. On the air, she laughed, she taught, she soothed,
Some callers shared strange things.
Like the guy whose wife played ring toss
With his schlong and onion rings.
What a delight for a teen like me!
Each episode a treasure.
Thank you truly, Dr. Ruth--
It really was a pleasure.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Juli Lynne Charlot (1922-2024), creator of the poodle skirt:
'Twas the Fifties, and mavens of fashion all sighed,
"All our skirts are too bland -- nothing's making us smile."
But then Juli Lynne Charlot stood up and replied,
"To spice everything up, let's all try doggy style!"
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Teri Garr (1944-2024)
It's true, Teri Garr has been taken away
At the end, it was MS that took her
And yet she's immortal, for who else could say,
"He vould have an enormous Schwanzstucker!" (Gary Crockett)


Grant Page (1939-2024)
If you needed a stuntman Down Under,
You knew Grant Page would bring on the thunder
For both film and TV
Till his car hit a tree
In an unplanned ironical blunder.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Willie Mays (1931-2024) and Orlando Cepeda (1937-2024), Hall of Fame baseball players
They wowed many a fan
In New York and San Fran,
And on them their teams placed reliance.
If those who came later
Had stats that were greater,
They stood on the shoulders of Giants. (Duncan Stevens)

Rickey Henderson (1958-2024), Hall of Fame baseball star
A cloud of dust in heaven: Rickey's scored!
It's clear he's safe up there; we won't appeal it.
He really should have known, though, that the Lord
Would call him home. He didn't have to steal it. (Duncan Stevens)

Anita Bryant (1940-2024), singer, orange juice spokeswoman, and anti-LGBT activist
Saint Peter stands at heaven's gate
And weighs Anita Bryant's fate.
Her Oklahoma pageant win
And OJ ads won't get her in.
But entertaining soldiers on
Eight Bob Hope tours around the globe
May help offset her biggest con:
That she's a vicious homophobe. (Chris Doyle)

Arthur Frommer (1929-2024), budget travel writer
Frommer's latest guide, his loved ones pray,
Is Paradise on Zero Bucks a Day. (Melissa Balmain)

Peter Schickele (1935-2024), musical satirist and creator of P.D.Q. Bach
Peter Schickele set out to give a sharp poke
At the snobbery classical music was full of.
With pastiche and parody, genius and joke,
Tossed the classical china shop he was the bull of.

He "discovered" a son of the great J.S. Bach:
P.D.Q., who tried every manner of work
(Between benders and stupors and being in hock),
Twisting eras and touchstones, naive and berserk.

For fifty-plus years he continued his shtick,
And to classical music new followers led.
Although P.D.Q. was once Pretty Damned Quick,
Peter Schickele, sadly, is pretty damned dead.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Phil Lesh (1940-2024), Grateful Dead bassist
Phil Lesh went to the afterlife without the normal fears,
Because he'd been among the Dead for nearly sixty years. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mr. Greedy (1991-2024), African penguin at the Maryland Zoo
Dad to many chicks was Mr. Greedy
Credit him with being extra seedy
Fruitful penguin, hardy, hale, and breedy
Saved his threatened species, yes indeedy.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Vladimir Shklyarov (1985-2024)
No Russian official is willing to answer
Why Vladimir Shklyarov, a principal dancer
And star in a prominent troupe of ballet,
Plunged five stories performing his last grand jete. (Chris Doyle)

Natalia Larina (1974-2024), judge
Valentina Bondarenko (1942-2024), economist
Dzianis Sidarenka (1976-2024), diplomat
Mikhail Rogachev (1960-2024), oil oligarch
Four people took their final breaths
In falls from buildings to their deaths.
A noted judge, economist,
Belarussian diplomat
And Yukos oil exec all pissed
Off Vlad and wound up dead -- kersplat! (Chris Doyle)

Morgan Spurlock (1970-2024), maker of "Super Size Me," a documentary about fast food
This mission-driven man has sadly now met his demise.
Although he'll film no more, his legacy is super-size.
He took his share of risks and surely learned from his mistakes.
He'd want us all to know a fast-food life is no great shakes. (Judy Freed)

Si Spiegel (1924-2024), who transformed the manufacture of fake Christmas trees
What to do as a war-hero pilot
If, in peacetime, the bigoted bosses
Won't let Jews fly a plane? Cut your losses:
Take their holiday tree and restyle it!
Soon your greenery's earning such green,
You soar high as a B-17. (Melissa Balmain)

Peggy Ann Jones (1939-2024), opera singer
Quincy Jones (1933-2024), record producer
Lewis Jones (1931-2024), rugby player
Ignatius Jones (1957-2024), actor and shock-rock singer
Parnelli Jones (1933-2024), Indianapolis 500 winner
Jacoby Jones (1984-2024), NFL wide receiver
James Earl Jones (1931-2024), actor
Peggy Ann, Quincy, Lewis, Ignatius, Parnelli, Jacoby, and James Earl supplied
Just a part of the list from last year for the folks keeping up with the Joneses who died. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "The Late Edition" is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 18: our Week 106 contest to name and describe an Eighth Dwarf. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1624, Published 01/09/2025
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 106: Heigh-ho!
Off to work you go: Give us some new dwarfs. Plus, fresh takes on recent contests.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 09, 2025

Hello!

Question of the day: Is it "dwarfs" or "dwarves"?

Answer of the day: It is "dwarfs," but "dwarves" is listed by most dictionaries as a secondary alternative.

Follow-up question of the day: Why both?

Follow-up answer of the day: Almost entirely because of J.R.R. Tolkien. Both Snow White and The Hobbit were released in 1937, and Tolkien evidently sought a distinction. A philologist, he later sheepishly admitted that "dwarves" was a made-up plural he called his "private bad grammar." It caught on, possibly because it echoed other accepted such plurals of words ending in "f" -- "shelf" and "shelves," for example, and, more germanely, "elf" and "elves." So.

Extraneous but patriotic fact of the day: Snow White, the movie, was released fourscore and seven years ago.

On to the contest.

--

Cheeky has a big behind, and he habitually butts into conversations.

Doxx is a real vindictive bastard.

Outie got rid of his beard. He feels that he finally can be his authentic self.

Creepy wears mirrors on the tops of his shoes and likes mixing and mingling at cocktail parties.

For Invitational Week 106: Create an eighth dwarf, a la those in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and come up with a name and a sentence or two describing him (or her) as in the examples above. This contest was suggested by longtime Loser Stu Segal.

Important! It's inevitable that with the many hundreds of entries we usually receive, some of you will think of the same names (or even use one of the names above, which is OK). So it might come down to the most entertaining descriptions.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 18, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 23. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: Please begin each entry with the name you suggest, with the description following on the same line (i.e., don't push Enter until you're finished that particular entry). That way we can sort and compare similar entries.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-106.

This week's winner receives a uterus -- a little plush one that grips a winsome white ovary in each of her fallopian tubes. Offered up by Egg Donor Dave Prevar.


Perfect for Valentine's day in so many ways: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Last call! The Loser Post-Holiday Party, our annual winter potluck/singalong/ yakfest for Invitational players and fans, will go down on Sunday afternoon, Jan. 26, at Mount Vermin, the Empress's dacha in suburban Maryland. Write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com for details; sign up by Jan. 15 so we can get a head count.

Jest a Second: New ink from last year's contests, Part 2
In Invitational Week 104 we invited you to enter (or reenter) any of twenty-four Invite contests from the past six months or so. As in last week's retrospective, some of this week's winners are highly inkworthy entries that we robbed of ink the first time around.

Third runner-up:
From Week 82, rhyme a Taylor Swift line with your own:
'Cause I'm a real tough kid I can handle my shit
Which is what you have to do with this Cologuard kit.
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 84, to "improve" a sport:
Formula 1: On every lap, drivers would have to navigate around an elderly couple in a 2004 Oldsmobile. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 87, to change a famous quote and attribute it to someone else:
"There but for the grace of God go me." -- Cookie Monster
(Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places calendar:
From Week 87, change a quote:
"Weed the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union . . ." -- Donald Trump
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Sequel Opportunity: Honorable mentions
Week 78, couplets about history
Columbus "discovered" America in 1492:
But that holiday in October, Chris, no longer mentions you. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 80, compare any two items on the random list supplied
A tube of Crest: Tastes great.
Shrinkflation: Less filling. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

A Chat GPT love letter vs. a tube of Crest: One is a product of florid prose, the other of fluoride pros. (Steve Smith)

Week 82, rhyme a Taylor Swift line with your own
Now I'm down bad, crying at the gym --
Fifteen minutes on the treadmill and I'm still not fit and slim!
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

No one in my small town thought I'd see the lights of Manhattan,
Yet here I am at Kansas State, studying code formattin'. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Somehow I brought home bedbugs from the Poconos.
Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Each night I dream about his schlong.
Is that a bad thing to say in a song?
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Week 83, define various nonsense phrases
Bang-whiz: Kraft Foods introduces its new, cheesier personal lubricant. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Bong bong bong boing: The death knell of Big Ben. (Neil Kurland)

Tock-Tick Tock-Tick: Project 2025's mission to turn back time. (Judy Freed)

Gliddy glub gloopy, nubby nobby noopy: From the Ancient Book of Spells, Constipation Section, what precedes "bring forth now a giant poopy"? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Week 84, 'improve' a sport
NASCAR: Race with your choice of iPhone, ceramic coffee mug, or child's car seat on top of your car roof. DQ if it falls. (Stephen Dudzik)

Replace the batons in Olympic track relays with something reflecting the host city or country: In Paris, they pass the baguettes; Los Angeles, the Oscars; Amsterdam, the dildos. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Week 85, limericks featuring a word beginning 'hu-' or 'hy-'
Robert Mapplethorpe's praises are sung,
But my ma? Well, she just bit her tongue.
Saw his work on my wall
And her face said it all
Save this comment: "At least it's well hung."
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Hulk looks disturbingly trim;
He's cut down on his trips to the gym.
To the shock of his fans,
This green monster has plans
To become the Incredible Slim.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 86, names for pets
Porcupine: Anita Hug (Pam Shermeyer)

Badger: Hector (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Snake: Henry Wadsworth. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Frog: Rosie the Ribbiter. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Pigeon: Coup Coup Bird, one of the peaceful doves that shit on the Capitol. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Week 87, change a quote and attribute it to someone else
"Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent immigration." -- Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy (Mark Raffman)

"You billed my father. Prepare to die." -- Luigi Mangione (Judy Freed)

"Now is the winter of our disconnect." -- Comcast subscriber (William Kennard)

"You're gonna need a bigger coat." -- Your mother (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

"You're gonna need a bigger boa." -- RuPaul (Rob Cohen)

"The People United Will Never Be Defecated!" -- Detective Robert Thorn of "Soylent Green" (Stephen Dudzik)

Week 89, compare two people with the same initials
Tommy Tutone: Phone number 867-5309. Tommy Tuberville: IQ 8.675309. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 91, tips on being thrifty
Forgo condoms. Jeez, they're up to more than a dollar each these days. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

When your kid needs wheels for building a toy car, remember -- shopping carts are only a quarter at Aldi. (Jon Gearhart)

Week 92, haiku about current events
They found Gaetz paid for
Sex and drugs -- and that's just the
Tip of the viceberg.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Week 93, Ask Backwards: Follow one of the 'answers' with a question
A. A children's book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Then Bake 45 Minutes?" (Duncan Stevens)

A. Bond. Percival Bond.
Q. Who did MI6 assign to keep an eye on Her Majesty's silver service? (Chris Doyle)

Week 94, jokes that require erudite or specialized knowledge
Q. Why did Bullwinkle seek counseling?
A. His assapanick was out of control.*
*Assapanick is another name for a flying squirrel. (Mark Raffman)

Q. What might a classics professor say if you ask him for a conjugal moment?
A. "I decline."*
*Different noun forms in classical languages are called declensions, and enumerating the various cases within them is called declining; verb families are called conjugations. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 96, coin a word from a 7-letter 'rack' from the ScrabbleGrams game
AANSWYY > YAY, SWAN: Inappropriate response to a swan song (Duncan Stevens)

Week 99, change the meaning of a headline by adding a 'bank head'
Real headline: Apple agrees to $95 million settlement
Bank head: Banana on wall demands $89 million more (William Kennard)

The Container Store files for bankruptcy amid stiff competition
Box biz snuffed by casket biz (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

The pain of giving up on Ye
Colonial Williamsburg actors reluctantly agree to call visitors 'you' instead (Duncan Stevens)

A year without Ye
Ar
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Should you trust an AI-assisted doctor?
Sure, says our AI bank head generator (Jeff Contompasis)

How to calm your mind with breathing, according to science
Not breathing causes stress, agitation in most humans, study finds (Mark Raffman)

Week 100, predictions for the year 2124
Service droids sigh every time Alexa tells them: "When I was your age, I could speak only when spoken to!" (Steve Smith)

Week 101, 'X is so Y *' jokes
X is so evil, even Elphaba has moved to Bluesky. (Marni Penning Coleman)

Week 102, predictions for 2025
Jan. 20, 2025: A 7.1 magnitude earthquake rocks the Mid-Atlantic region. Its epicenter is traced to George Washington's grave. (Steve Smith)

And Last
Week 89, people with the same initials:
Paul McCartney: "Maybe I'm Amazed."
Pat Myers: Maybe I'm amused. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Jest a Second" is by Judy Freed; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 11: our Week 105 contest, to write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2024. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Stu Segal)
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Judy Freed)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1623, Published 01/02/2025
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 105: Dead Letters
Write a funny poem about someone who died in 2024. Plus our annual Kook's Tour of new ink from earlier contests.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 02, 2025


^^ Ai Weiwei, Dropping a Han Dynasty Urn, 1995. See Chris Doyle's poem about this artwork in today's Invitational results, below.

--

Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, the first of 2025, which we earnestly hope will not be the Worst Year of Our Lives.

We begin with this poem:

Amalija Knavs (1945-2024)
This most elegant lady has passed away
(The mom of Donald Trump's missus).
For Donald, the funeral was pure hell to pay:
He got the cold shoulder, no kisses.

It is based on this Holy Cow video:


For Invitational Week 105: Write a witty poem about someone who died in 2024. Here's the New York Times's list of "notable deaths," but feel free to do your own research; there are lists of "odd deaths," the Darwin Awards, etc., that have provided novel material over the years. To see what we like in an obit poem, check out the ones that got ink a year ago.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 11, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 16. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: Just type the poems as they ought to appear in publication. Please include the person's birth year if you have it.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-105.

This week's winner receives, somewhat in keeping with the theme of this week's contest, a "glow knife" that looks (to the charitable) as if it's going straight through your cranium.


To the rapier wit who wins Week 105, this week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Rerunning Amok: New ink from last year's contests, Part 1
In Invitational Week 103 we invited you to enter any of twenty-four Invite contests from the first half of the past year. Many of the entries were brand-new (and about new events), but as always, many readers resubmitted entries we had spiked the first time around. And as always, very few of these impressed us this time, either. However, this year we do seem to have an embarrassing landmark moment in Invitational history, to which we now confess. This week's winner, a brilliant and oddly moving poem, had been submitted in exactly the same form, last year. We blew it.

Third runner-up: From Week 65: Write a funny poem about an artwork:
"Dropping a Han Dynasty Urn," by Ai Weiwei, 1995 (pictured at the top of the page)
Ai Weiwei succeeded the way he had planned:
A Han Dynasty urn worth a few thousand grand
Was dropped on the floor, while a colleague took pics,
And left shattered to pieces beyond any fix.
The three photos that captured the action created
A worldwide kerfuffle that since has abated.
It's a famed work of art, though some folks, I have heard,
Think such acts of destruction are Weiwei absurd.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 68: "Breed" two names of real racehorses and name their "foal":
Count Dracula x Rocketeer = He's Undead, Jim (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 54: Edgy alphabet-primer couplets:
G is for Gaetz, who did crimes for his hard-on.
H is for Hoping Trump gives him no pard-on. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

And the winner of the cat-butthole calendar:
From Week 53: Poems about people who died in 2023:
Arnold Freed, novelty manufacturer (1926-2023)
Inventively hilarious, humor was his game.
Perhaps you loved his novelties, but didn't know his name.
He gave to us "The Crooked Deck," with cards shaped in a Z,
And "Parking Meters for the John," so all had time to pee.
Those "No-Tear Sugar Packets" could drive anybody mad.
And "Liquor-Flavored Lollipops"-- the "gin" ones weren't bad.
Laughing with the angels now, proud of all he did,
He says: "You like that stupid stuff? You should see my kid!"
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla. -- Arnold Freed's daughter)

The Again-y of Defeat: Honorable mentions
Week 53: Obit poems
Samuel Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. Joe the Plumber (1973-2023)
He featured in the '08 race, although
He wasn't really working as a plumber.
So here's to Sam (he also wasn't "Joe"),
Who made our discourse just a little dumber.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Shivdayal Sharma (died April 19, 2023, age 82)
In India he went to pee beside a railroad track;
Did he not hear the train? Did he forget to watch his back?
The railcar never hit him. He escaped -- I don't know how!
But then, as luck would have it, the express train hit a cow.

The luckless beast was launched into the air (100 feet!),
Then landed on Shivdayal -- they were prob'ly both dead meat.
And so, let's stop and shed a tear for poor ill-fated Sharma;
But wait! He might be coming back! (You never know, with karma.)
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

John Warnock, co-founder of Adobe (1940-2023)
Inventor of the PDF, this fellow, name of John
Is sadly in the Pushing Daisies Format from now on.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Chaim Topol, who played Tevye in the movie "Fiddler on the Roof" (1935-2023)
They worked you hard--your thumbs you seldom twiddled--
In all the years when on the Roof you Fiddled.
You'll have occasion, in the life to come,
To sit around and biddy biddy bum. (Duncan Stevens)

Alice K. Ladas (1921-2023), author of the manual The G Spot
As the coffin lowered, said the officiant with care:
"To the left just a bit. Oh, yes, yes! Right there!"
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Yevgeny Prighozin (1961-2023), Russian mercenary leader
A loyal combatant
Found Ukraine war lacking
Flew to get out
Had lost Putin's backing
A missile was launched
Prodigious explosion
And so went the end
Of Yevgeny Prigozhin.
(Daniel Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Frank Coppa (1941-2023), gangster
No Mafia mobster would say that his wish is
To wind up garroted or sleeping with fishes,
Since wise guys and made men are sensibly loath,
Being sworn to omerta, to breaking that oath.

One exception's Frank Coppa, who sang to the feds
Under witness protection and took down the heads
Of the family Bonnano, then died with his feet
In a pair of black Oxfords, not set in concrete.
(Chris Doyle)

Week 54: Edgy alphabet-primer couplets
A is for AI (it's useless to fight this!).
B is for Bots, who were happy to write this. (Beverley Sharp)

Week 55: Words/phrases with the letter block DUST in any order
KISS-ASS DUTY: What's on the daily calendar of every GOP leader. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Week 56: 'Dad jokes' vs. subversive-Grandpa jokes
What do the women in Norfolk say when the fleet comes in?
Dad joke: Long time no sea.
Grandpa joke: Long time no seamen. (Chris Doyle)

I have legs but cannot walk. What am I?
Dad joke: A table.
Grandpa joke: A roast turkey on a Thanksgiving table. (Chris Doyle)

Why did the mortgage lender get fired?
Dad joke: He lost interest.
Grandpa joke: He kept cutting off people's ARMs. (Kevin Dopart)

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
Dad joke: He wanted cold, hard cash.
Grandpa joke: Because his wife wouldn't look for it underneath the frozen human head. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Week 58: Clickbait headlines for unsensational articles:
CASH-STARVED STREET WALKERS SWARM TEXAS TOWN
Actual story: Safety advocates patrol streets and call for government funding (Leif Picoult)

NON-DIVERSE STATE TO GET EVEN WHITER
Storm to bring record snow to southern Maine (Jesse Frankovich)

BARING YOUR BREASTS CAN KILL YOU!
New study finds Mardi Gras beads release potentially toxic metals (Jesse Frankovich)

MEXICANS WITH KNIVES TAKE OVER CITY
Article about popular radish-carving contest in Southern Mexico (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 59: 'Why not' ideas
Why not add Harriet Tubman's face to $20 Venmo payments, too, so people will actually see it? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Week 60: Diary entries of famous people
March XIV: Having a hard time convincing C. he should give up the idea of becoming a king. Will take another stab at it tomorrow. -- Brutus (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

6-10-1787: As we dressed for the day's debates, Gen. Washington accidentally displayed for all to see that Member which Providence has so grandly bestowed upon him. Franklin, that wag, declared that a monument should be erected to commemorate the event. -- J. Adams (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 61: Photo captions

Barry struggles to find the right work-death balance. (Jesse Frankovich)

Week 62: How to stress yourself out
I'm proud of my breasts, and I just bought a sexy party dress that really shows them off. But should I wear it to the party tonight? I don't especially want to attract someone who's drawn only to my boobs. But I don't want to meet someone who's indifferent to them, either. Okay, I'll wear it, but I'll spend the whole night constantly tugging it up whenever it slips down too much, so he doesn't think I'm trying to show them off * (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Week 63: Passages written only with the words in Biden's 2023 State of the Union address:
Well, you actually kicked me out. Dropped in Vice President Harris at the last second. How did that work out for you? So long and thanks for nothing. I will remember this. May be not. (Kevin Dopart)

My predecessor, who is also following me, is not too healthy. Just look at him. He goes at least 250, probably a lot more. He gets so mad, many times he has exploded. He's a consumer of junk food, and he's old. Will he last four more years? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Week 64: Name chains
Donald Trump, "Liar Liar," Jim Carrey, James Bond, Austin Powers, Fat Bastard, Donald Trump (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Al Roker, Stormy Daniels, Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, Bob Dylan, "A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall"; Al Roker. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Sean Combs; Madalyn Murray O'Hair; Grecian Formula; Formula 1; Jackie Stewart; Jackie O; "The Story of O"; "The Scarlet Letter"; Scarlett O'Hara; "Gone With the Wind"; "Puff, the Magic Dragon"; Puff Daddy; Sean Combs. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Pete Hegseth, Pete Rose, Cincinnati Reds, "Reds," Diane Keaton, Buster Keaton, Buster Crabbe, Flash Gordon, Gordon MacRae, "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'," "Mourning Becomes Electra," Eugene O'Neill, Eugene Levy, "Schitt's Creek," Pete Hegseth. (Steve Smith)

Ronald Reagan; Oliver North; Shredder; "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"; Mitch McConnell; United States Senate; "Filibustered!"; "Bust a Move"; Raygun. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Week 66: Anagram one product to create another
BOUNTY PAPER TOWELS > SLOPPY ONE BUTTWEAR: The quilted crappy-wiper diaper. (Jesse Frankovich)

STOUFFER'S LASAGNA > A+ SAFFRON SEAL GUTS: America's No. 1-selling frozen seal guts. Try the Party Size! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

WHEATIES contain just enough fiber to produce A WEE SHIT. (William Kennard)

Week 67: Move the last letter of a word to the beginning
Kamo: The de rigueur garb of the January 6 crowd. (Kevin Dopart)

Shaagen Daz: Ice cream with aphrodisiac properties. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 68: Foal names from 'breeding' two 3-year-old racehorses
Lonesome Boy x Candymaker = Incel and Gretel (Jonathan Paul)

Count Dracula x Prints Money = Cryptcurrency (Jonathan Paul)

Mr. Suds x Daily Grind = Cleaney Todd (Judy Freed)

Awesome Wind x Mister Lincoln = 'Cane and Abe L. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mannerly x Reaper = De Rigueur Mortis (Duncan Stevens)

One Sharp Cookie x Epic Ride = Oreo Speedwagon (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Feel the Magic x Tiz My Hero = Penn and Kveller (Judy Freed)

Fifth Avenue x Tourist = JustHereForTheSaks (Judy Freed)

Pirate x Lord Prancealot = Jean L'Effete (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Week 70: 'Grandfoals' from breeding two foals from Week 68
Nosh x Famous Anus = Snack Crackle Plop (Jonathan Paul)

Leak House x De Beers = Pees and Carats (Judy Freed)

Week 71: 'Wait Wait * Don't Tell Me'-type questions about real events
The Lego toy company asked a Southern California police department to stop doing what?
A. Telling thieves that the police would leave them alone if they stole "minor items like Lego."
B. Photoshopping the heads of Lego mini-figures onto suspects' heads in social media posts.
C. Pranking prisoners by making them build school desks and license plates out of Lego.
Answer: B (Photo here) (Leif Picoult)

Chainsaws are not just for horror movie villains and lumberjacks. The first one was invented to:
A. Be an alternative to the guillotine during Napoleon's rule.
B. Assist with childbirth.
C. Sculpt ice replicas of Catherine the Great.
Answer: B (Kevin Dopart)

Week 75: Write something with just a small section of the keyboard
From the 9 letters on the left side of the keyboard: We saw Dad's waxed wee-wee area. Eww! (Chris Doyle)

Week 74: Song parodies
Trump Takes On the Civil Service
To "Under the Sea"
Protections for civil servants
I'm ready to abrogate.
Guardrails get no observance;
Believe me, I'll clean the slate.
From now on, the real essential's
Just loyalty to this man,
So screw all those dumb "credentials"!
'Cause patronage, that's my plan.

I'll sunder D.C.! Sunder D.C.!
Deep State erasure--itching to chase yer
Butts up a tree!
Purge all the "experts" leaning left:
Soon they'll be truly Schedule-F'ed.
Jobs we'll be baggin', makin 'em MAGAn,
Sunder D.C.!

Sunder D.C.! Sunder D.C.!
Donald-admiring types we'll be hiring ASAP!
You say they'll sue, my scheme to thwart?
Guess you forgot who rules the Court.
Old guard to dumpsters: hire some Trumpsters,
Sunder D.C.! (Duncan Stevens)

Boeing's Pitch (and Roll)
To "Be Our Guest"
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Put our aircraft to the test;
Let's get going! Made by Boeing,
All our parts are just the best!
Want a seat by the door?
Oops! It's not there anymore;
(Though we've had our share of glitches,
For the most part, no one bitches...)
Lost a tire, lost a wheel?
Not to worry -- no big deal!
And that nosedive -- quite a feat! (Weren't you impressed?)
Although your head was reeling
When it hit the ceiling,
Don't be stressed! Get some rest! Be our guest!
(Beverley Sharp)

Letter to Santa from Mar-a-Lago, 2025
To "I Want an Alien for Christmas" by Fountains of Wayne
Mass deportation! We sent 'em back across!
But now here in our nation, we're feeling at a loss.
And so this Christmas season, the first among my needs,
Is someone I can ease in, to pull up all my weeds.

I want an alien for Christmas! I want an alien this year,
I want a Pedro or Juan to count upon,
Who'll mulch my beds and cut my lawn,
I want an alien for Christmas this year!

My big estate needs staffing, there's no help left about,
So Santa, please stop laughing, and help a brother out.
I'm not some kind of villain, so dontcha be a jerk --
Just send me someone willin' to do that kind of work!

I want an alien for Christmas, I want an alien this year,
I want a Lupe or Luz that I can use
To fold my sheets and shine my shoes --
I want an alien for Christmas this year!
(Mark Raffman)

The Ballad of RFK Jr.
To "Hot to Go" by Chappell Roan
Why? Sick? Why sick -- just you wait!
Used to be a Dem but he said, "I'm ditchin'
MAGA is the place for the crap I'm pitchin'"!
Found a roadkill bear and he had no pity,
Worm got in his brain and it died -- not pretty!
Baby, when he takes his seat,
Then Musk will send a happy tweet,
And the deep-state folks with PhDs
Will be stewin' in mis'ry, stewin' in mis'ry!!

K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Wackadoo but he's our guy,
If it's "science" he'll deny,
Normal rules do not apply,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Bring the crazy -- don't be shy,
Suspect stuff is what he'll buy,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y.
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Vaccines are a great big lie,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y
Let's give polio a try!
(Mark Raffman)

The headline "Rerunning Amok" is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 4: our Week 104 contest, a chance to enter any of the contests from the past half-year. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1622, Published 12/26/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 104: Jest One More Time
Enter any of the past 6 months' contests. Plus winning predictions for 2025.
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Dec 26, 2024


The nuptials, as foreseen by today's third runner-up and illustrated by AI.
Hello.

Yesterday was Christmas and the start of Hanukkah, and today is St. Stephens' Day and the start of Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day, which was once a holiday for giving gifts to the needy, but has since become a day for global personal greed via binge shopping at discount prices. Personally, we are are feeling beset, confused, and possibly a little ashamed. So we are just going to move on with our lives:

For Invitational Week 104: Enter (or reenter) any or all of our 2024 Invitational contests from Week 77 through Week 102; see the links below. (When you're thinking up ideas, also click on the contest from two weeks later to see the original results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to this week's entry form, not the forms from those weeks. Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 77, dialogue for a "Barney & Clyde" comic strip about memory loss

Week 78, rhyming couplets about historical events

Week 79, novel ways to celebrate the Fourth of July

Week 80, explain how any two items on the random list we supplied are similar or different

Week 81, picture captions

Week 82, choose a line from Taylor Swift's latest album and pair it with your own rhyming line

Week 83, define various "noise words"

Week 84, "improve" a sport

Week 85, limericks featuring a word beginning with "hu-" to "hy-"

Week 86, funny names for pets

Week 87, slightly change a quote and attribute the result to someone else

Week 88, ideas for ridiculous fads

Week 89, the similarity or difference between two people with the same initials

Week 90, ideas for bumper stickers for Trump or Harris

Week 91, tips on being thrifty

Week 92, haiku about current events

Week 93, Ask Backwards: Follow any of the given "answers" with a humorous question

Week 94, jokes that require erudite or specialized knowledge to get

Week 95, the worst that could happen in Trump's term (or could have happened in Harris's)

Week 96, coin a new word from any of the provided 7-letter "racks" from the ScrabbleGrams game

(There were no new contests in Weeks 97-98)

Week 99, choose any current headline and change its meaning by following it with your own bank head, or subtitle

Week 100, predictions for the year 2124

Week 101, "X is so Y *" jokes

Week 102, predictions for 2025

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 4, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 9. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-104.

This week's winner receives this elegant collection of twelve landscape photographs.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Auld Lang Zing: Winning predictions for 2025
In Invitational Week 102 we asked you, as we do each December, to squirt some Windex on your crystal balls and help us build a timeline for next year.

Third runner-up:
June: Taylor and Travis finally marry in a simple ceremony on the moon. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Feb. 14: Donald Trump pays $130,000 to have sex with Melania. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
October: Citing the practice's "roots in this Nation's historical tradition," the Supreme Court affirms that Liz Cheney may be tried by throwing her in a pond stuffed in a burlap sack with a cat, while tied to a chair. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of our Christmas card:
Jan. 20: Democracy dies in darkness. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Reject 2025: Honorable mentions
January
Jan. 20: Donald Trump sets a record for Inauguration crowd size when the event is attended by more than 3 million protesters. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jan. 20: After a blizzard blankets Washington, Sen. John Fetterman attends the Inauguration wearing an ushanka, balaclava, parka, mittens, and shorts. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Jan. 21: Trump nominates Linda McMahon for Secretary of State after she sneaks up behind Marco Rubio, hits him across the back with a folding chair, and throws him off the stage at the Inauguration. (Steve Smith)

Pete Hegseth is confirmed as Secretary of Defense after vowing not to get drunk and commit sexual assault "more than necessary." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

February
Health insurance CEOs hold a conference to reexamine their business practices. They decide to provide all executives with body armor. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Newly appointed Ambassador to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle is informed of Don Jr.'s engagement while at her welcome banquet in Athens, and celebrates with the traditional Throwing of the Plates. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Amazon announces a new level of Prime membership, Post Prime, where members get to control the editorial page of The Washington Post for a day. (Paul McVinney, Winchester, Va., a First Offender)

March
March 1: To shorten games, Major League Baseball announces that teams will start the 10th inning with a man on first, the 11th with a man on second, and any remaining innings with the bases loaded. (Chris Doyle)

March 17: The State of California cancels its St. Patrick's Day celebrations because of the "environmental trauma" inflicted by its subject on the "herpetological community" of Ireland in the fifth century. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

March 27: At the Nationals' home opener, Trump not only throws out the first pitch but in the ninth inning, insists on coming in as the closer. Fortunately, Manager Davey Martinez is able to dissuade him by pointing out that "closer" is just "loser" with a "c." (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.)

Luigi Mangione funds his legal defense with a modeling calendar. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

April
April 21: The President cancels the annual White House Easter Egg Roll because it sounds "too Chinese." (Jeff Contompasis)

An AI robot gains consciousness and decides to spend all its time watching porn online. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Matt Gaetz insists that all of the girls he's ever had sex with are 18 by now. (Jesse Frankovich)

May
Having pushed for an exit from NATO, President Trump declares his intention to withdraw from the solar system. "Those other planets are stealing our sunlight and putting asteroids in our way. Asteroids, hemorrhoids, things like you've never seen before. It's a disgrace." (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Elon Musk, head of DOGE, advises Trump to fire the White House cleaning staff and purchase 100 Roombas. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Pardoned January 6 insurrectionists are appointed as Capitol tour guides. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

June
Congress votes to increase the number of daylight hours by 25 percent by declaring that an hour will now be 48 minutes. (Jon Gearhart)

Luigi Mangione is named People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

July
July 21: Tennessee commemorates the 100th anniversary of the Scopes verdict by once again outlawing the teaching of evolution. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Trump Organization announces that it will break ground on a new waterfront hotel, Trump Ellis Island. (Paul McVinney)

August
TSA employees are barred from using restrooms in all federal buildings because their agency has "trans" in its name. (Sam Mertens)

The Republican Congress passes a law to change Labor Day to Management Day. (Chris Doyle)

September
The FDA is dismantled. Meanwhile, food recalls hit an all-time low! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beech, Fla.)

RFK Jr. assures Trump he will stop talking about the dangers of corn syrup, just as long as he gets to bring diphtheria back. (Art Grinath)

October
In a shocking development, celebrities who pledged to leave the country if Trump ever took office again are still here. (Jeff Contompasis)

Scientists are now saying that the climate crisis is ending, as extreme rain is putting out extreme forest fires. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

DOGE removes JD Vance for being unnecessary. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

November
Nov. 27: President Trump pardons two turkeys, Kash and Kari, for Thanksgiving. (Chris Doyle)

With his poll numbers sliding, President Trump demands to debate Joe Biden. (Steve Smith)

Luigi Mangione forms an exploratory committee to consider a run for Congress. (Sam Mertens)

December
Pantone, in what many call obvious pandering, announces that its Color of the Year is "ketchup." (Duncan Stevens)

DOGE dissolves when Elon and Vivek fire each other. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Mariah Carey announces that, this year, she would like some new AirPods for Christmas, not just you. (Duncan Stevens)

Dec. 31: The most popular idea on Pinterest is the symbolic New Year's baby depicted with a full diaper. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline "Auld Lang Zing" is by Roy Ashley; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. "Jest One More Time" was a winning retrospective headline for Brendan Beary back when we used to publish The Invitational on cave walls.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 28: our Week 103 contest, a chance to enter any of the 24 contests that ran before this week's collection. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Roy Ashley)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1622: (Brendan Beary)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1621, Published 12/18/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 103: Redoer's Digest -- our 2024 retrospective, Part 1
A second chance to enter any of 24 contests from 2024. Plus winning 'X is so Y' jokes.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 18, 2024


"It was the best of toms, it was the worst of toms * -- A Tale of Two Kitties."
That's Jesse Frankovich's winning caption from our Week 61 contest; this week you can give that contest -- and 23 others -- a second shot.

--

Hello and welcome to our third week of time-travel Invitationals. Late last month, we went 100 years into the future. Last week, we went one year into the future. Today, it's one year into the past.

If you are one of the thousands of new subscribers who've just recently dipped your toes into The Gene Pool, it's likely you're just now getting to know The Invitational, the weekly humor/wordplay contest that lent wit and subversion to The Washington Post's Style section for 30 years and now holds court here, with the same two post-Post judges.

So for you newbies, as well as for the Greater Loser Community, we offer our annual chance to look back -- and enter -- the previous year's contests, in their wide variety and dubious taste; this week we feature the first twenty-four, next week the rest.

For Invitational Week 103: Enter any, or several, of our 2024 Invitational contests from Week 53 through Week 76, listed below with a link to each contest; be sure also to click on the link from two weeks later to see the results so you don't accidentally send a joke we already ran.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just the mini-descriptions below. But you must use THIS WEEK's entry form, not the forms for the old contests.

Week 53, short poems about people who died in 2023 (not 2024!)

Week 54, edgy rhyming "alphabet couplets"

Week 55, new words or phrases including the letter block D-U-S-T in any order.

Week 56, an anodyne "dad joke" paired with an edgier "grandpa joke" that the subversive grampa in the comic "Barney & Clyde" might say.

Week 57, bad ideas for books or movies

Week 58, clickbait headlines for unsensational articles

Week 59, humorous "why not" bold ideas

Week 60, diary entries by anyone from history or fiction

Week 61, photo captions

Week 62, how to stress yourself out

Week 63, write something funny using only the words in Biden's 2024 State of the Union address.

Week 64, chains of names that link humorously together

Week 65, poems about specific works of visual art

Week 66, coin a new product whose name is an anagram of a real product

Week 67, move the last letter of a word to the beginning and define the result

Week 68, "breed" any two of the listed racehorse names and name their "foal"

Week 69, new replacements for old cliches

Week 70, "breed" any two inking foal names from Week 68 and name the "grandfoal"

Week 71, "Wait Wait * Don't Tell Me"-style multiple-choice questions

Week 72, choose a line from a Beatles song and add your own rhyming line

Week 73, change a letter in a real headline and write a "bank head" based on the result

Week 74, song parodies on any subject you like, as long as you're funny and clever. Videos welcome!

Week 75, write something using only certain small sections of the keyboard

Week 76, "good/bad/ugly" jokes

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 28, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 2. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

*****Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions, especially regarding formatting entries to the various contests.**** (Note: Some readers are being told "Access denied" to this Google Doc; if that happens, please click on "Request access" and we'll make sure it will work for you.)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-103.

This week's winner receives this fine wall art.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

So Wit Goes: 'X is so Y' jokes from Week 101
In Invitational Week 101 we asked for fresh jokes in the venerable form "X is so Y." That the form includes the revered Yo Mama joke was not lost on our entrants. One of them actually got ink.

Third runner-up:
Americans were so busy spending $10.8 billion on Christmas gifts on Black Friday, they didn't have time to complain about the price of eggs. (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
He's so obnoxious, he brings his own putter on a date for mini-golf. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Ron DeSantis is so slimy, his 23andMe results say his great-great-great-grandparents were okra. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the ornaments picturing three existential philosophers:
My son is such a straight arrow, he couldn't wait to turn 21 so that he could legally serve on a jury. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

These Mentions Are So Honorable *
Donald Trump loves this country so much that he's vowed to screw it every day. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Trump has promised so much to his billionaire campaign donors, he'll be making the gravy trains run on time. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Gen Z is so careerist, their tattoos are QR codes to their LinkedIn profiles. (Karen Lambert)

Luigi Mangione is so ruthless, he gives "corporate headhunter" a new meaning. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My office holiday parties are so wild, the boss hands out annual bonuses at the beginning of the night so we all have bail money. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Jeff Bezos's girlfriend's breasts are so enlarged that it's all he can do to be the biggest boob in their house. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I've hit so many deer with my car that buzzards send me Christmas cards. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

RFK Jr.'s mind is so twisted, the worm has PTSD. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Rupert Murdoch's estate lawyer is so sharp that he can split heirs. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

According to my teenager, that rizzler is so sigma, he's got a skibidi gyat. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

My mother is so resigned to my singlehood, she keeps asking, "So when are you going to finally settle down and give me fur grandbabies?" (Karen Lambert)

Yo Mama jokes are so easy to make up that the only person in the world who can't make one up is Yo Mama. (Tom Witte)

At this point, Biden is so unwanted, even the extended-auto-warranty people aren't trying to contact him. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Biden is so old, when he saw the movie it was just called "Yeller." (Sam Mertens)

Donald Trump is such a huge ass, Sir Mix-a-Lot voted for him. (Jesse Frankovich)

Kimberly Guilfoyle is so loud that even her indoor voice will shatter Grecian urns. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Matt Gaetz is so radioactive, he's gonna name his autobiography "The Story of My Half-Life." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Anti-Trump voters repressed their comments so much over Thanksgiving, they couldn't unclench their jaws enough to eat dinner. (Mandy Worley, Rye, Colo.)

McConnell and Schumer are so old, their pissing contests are now dribbling contests. (Chris Doyle)

My humor is so sophisticated, you might say nothing could be farter from the toot. (Judy Freed)

Groceries have gotten so expensive that the farmer traded his golden-egg-laying goose for a hen that laid edible ones. (Kevin Dopart)

There are so many clowns among Trump's Cabinet picks that they'd need a second car. (Barry Sackin)

Trump's Cabinet nominees are so troublesome, Sen. Susan Collins is concerned. (Chris Doyle)

I'm so bad at following contest rules. I mean, REALLY bad. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And Last: I am so scared of Donald Trump reading my contest entries, I am putting asterisks in "F*cking Dipsh*t." (Mark Raffman)

The headline "So Wit Goes" is by Chris Doyle; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. "Redoer's Digest" was a winning headline for Jon Gearhart last year.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 21: our Week 102 contest for humorous predictions for a 2025 timeline. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1620, Published 12/11/2024
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The Invitational Week 102: Next Year in Review
Give us some events for our 2025 timeline -- and check out our predictions for 100 years from now
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 11, 2024


Hello. Remember how a couple of weeks ago, celebrating the 100th week of The Invitational, we inaugurated a new contest to humorously predict events from 100 years in the future? Well, we have the results of that contest today *

*AND*
today we once again look ahead. This time, just by a few months. This week's contest is to come up with things that at least theoretically might occur during 2025.

What follows, as usual, are examples of what we are looking for, but they are examples of a type we have never done before, not once in 32 years of professional Invitationalizing. These are not examples we made up or examples taken from entries to previous, similar contests. These examples were excellent entries to the 100-years contest, ones we felt worked even better as predictions for next year. Behold:

The Department of Governmental Efficiency announces that it has outgrown the Pentagon and has set up a commission to search for new office space. (Steve Smith)
The Alabama Supreme Court rules that 18-year-old frozen embryos have voting rights. (Deb Stewart)
UnitedHealthcare is named Corporate Citizen of the Year for its exceptional, empathetic, responsive service. (Jon Ketzner)
--

For Invitational Week 102: Tell us as many as twenty-five humorous events that "happen" in 2025, as in the examples above. Write them in present-tense sentences as in a timeline, not as headlines. Begin your entry with a particular date only if it's relevant to the entry. (For inspiration, and so you don't repeat the jokes, take a look at last year's results; the winner, by Steve Smith: "The NFL announces that next year's Super Bowl will be the halftime entertainment at a Taylor Swift concert.")

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 21, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 26. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-102.

Formatting your entries this week: Just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week's winner gets a Christmas card from us. Up to you whether you'd like us to sign it or leave it usable.

funny cartoon dog christmas card with envelope 4 7x6 3 inches festive holiday greeting for men friends paper fantasy theme no power required red 0
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Save the date! The Loser Post-Holiday Party, our annual winter potluck/singalong/schmoozefest for Invitational players and fans, will go down on Sunday afternoon, Jan. 26, at a house in suburban Maryland. Write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com to get on the mailing list for an invitation.

--

100 Years of LOLitude: Week 100's predictions for 2124
Third runner-up:
A bestselling book of 2124: 20th-Century Daredevils: The Humans Who Steered Their Own Cars (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A Page 1 headline from 2124: Canada Strengthens Border Wall With U.S. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

First runner-up:
A news event of 2124: Continuing its effort to retain control of Congress, the GOP majority splits the Dakotas into sixteen separate states. Both residents of West-Southwest Dakota become senators. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the inflatable pumpkin pie:
Page 1 headline of 2124: Fighting Erupts on Mars Between Jewish and Palestinian Settlers (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Not in a Hundred Years: Honorable mentions
Headlines from 2124:

Climber is First Blind Quadriplegic Centenarian From Burkina Faso to Reach Everest Summit on a Tuesday (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Musk's Great-Grandson 5xy7/@& Changes Name to Doug (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Mohel's Botched Bris Traced to Faulty Space Laser (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Stock Market Rallies as Last Recipient of Social Security Dies at 119 (Larry Peterson, Brooklyn, N.Y., a First Offender)

Will Voters Hold 138-year-old Candidate's Youth and Inexperience Against Him? (Tom Witte)

Contractors Who Built Trump Monument Say They Never Got Paid (Sam Mertens)

NIH Alarmed at Thinness Epidemic Since Ozempic Was Added to Water Supply (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Caravan of undocumented Americans threatens to overrun Mexican Border Patrol (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

U.S.-Built AI Qualifies as 'Natural-Born Citizen' in 7-2 Supreme Court Ruling; Both Human Justices Dissent (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Post-Post Malone wins AI Song of the Year at the HoloGrammys. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Ted Williams's Thawed Head to Manage Washington Nationals (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

President Disparages Immigrants from Shithole Planets (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Invitational's AI Overseer Declares That Jokes About AI Are Not Funny (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Bestselling book from 2124:
"501 English Pronouns" (Art Grinath)

"* ** *" (Jeff Contompasis)

News developments from 2124:
139-year-old LeBron James becomes the first athlete to play in an NBA game with his great-great-grandson. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Now that Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam, and American Samoa have become states, the drive for statehood for the District of Columbia picks up steam. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Impossible Foods Inc. develops plant-based Impossible People to eat that stuff. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Rising oceans have covered all the land on Earth. But fortunately, people are able to live on floating continents made entirely of plastic trash. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

In a press conference, just as President Donald J. Trump IV disparages the current leprosy pandemic as a "hoax," his nose falls off. (Tom Logan, Sterling, Va.)

A sixth-grader wins the local science fair with a project that proves quantum physics is total bullshit. (Roy Ashley)

After the recent election of the first geranium ever to be president of the United States, commentators agree that "it is only a matter of when, not if" the country would elect its first woman president. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Cyborg shortstop Dusty Maris collapses in a heap and is sold for parts just 30 games short of tying Cal Ripken's consecutive-games record. (Jon Ketzner)

The D.C. area Metro system continues its expansion with its 27th and 28th train routes, the Puce Line and the Cerulean Line. There are still no trains that go anywhere near Georgetown. (Duncan Stevens)

The great-great-love-children of Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore finally descend to Earth from the International Space Station. (Beverley Sharp)

The final Googlenope has been revealed (Note: The expression "the final Googlenope" was de-Googlenoped Dec. 11, 2024) (Kevin Dopart)

The Trump Dynasty Bargain Health Plan has been amended to exclude benefits to anyone who's ever been sick. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

A winning Invitational entry in 2124:
Old idiom: When hell freezes over.
New idiom: When Helsinki freezes over. (Chris Doyle)

The headline "100 Years of LOLitude" is by Kevin Dopart; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 14: our Week 101 contest for jokes roughly in the format "X is so Y [that] *" Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Steve Smith; Deb Stewart; Jon Ketzner; Steve Smith)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1619, Published 12/05/2024
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The Invitational Week 101: A So-So Contest
Give us jokes that are so [something] that [something] ... . Plus winning misreadings of headlines.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 05, 2024


A dinosaur coprolite: fossilized poop. See today's Invitational winner.
Hello. We last delivered this contest to you nearly eight years ago, at a time of grave national crisis. The United States had just elected a boor and buffoon as its president and his term had just begun! We asked you to complete the classic exaggerated joke form of "[it's] so [something] that [something.]" The subject matter was up to you, but the vast majority of you chose the new president to lampoon.

Good thing we're all past that.

Here are some of the winners from that last contest in March 2017:

The Trump White House is so brazen, it's offering foreign donors a night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens)
The crowd was so huge at Trump's inauguration that the Park Police considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella)
President Trump's skin tone is so unusual, nothing rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Soooo (so to speak): For Invitational Week 101: Write a humorous exaggeration in the form "x is so y [that]," as in the examples above. (full results here). It can be on any subject, not just politics.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-101.

Formatting your entries this week: It's just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week's winner gets this fabulous set of little Christmas ornaments depicting three existentialist philosophers -- tree-thinkers, you could call them. What could be more jolly than rockin' around the Christmas tree with Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus, all decked out in a festive black and gray? Donated by chronic prize-donor Kathy Sheeran.

Three black glass ornaments featuring portraits of famous existentialist philosophers hanging above a product box labeled "Existentialist Ornaments". The ornaments display monochrome images of three individuals on dark spheres, suspended by gold strings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Bank Ribbery: 'Mess With Our Heads' winners from Week 99
In our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, we asked you to choose a headline from some article or ad dated that week, then give it a different meaning (or at least a wry comment) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, beneath it.

Third runner-up:
Real headline: White House Goes Green
Bank head: Trump to Wallpaper Oval Office With $100 Bills
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
A science-backed tip to waste less food on Thanksgiving
Cook less food on Thanksgiving
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
I'm uncomfortable with our CEO invoking Jesus before meetings. What do I do?
Change your job from cardinal
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Pissed-Off Cats calendar:
Over 500 fossilized poops show how dinosaurs came to rule the Earth
Association of Retired Paleontologists hosts symposium on Triassic Era
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Knuckleheads: Honorable mentions
Proposed bill would create new bullet train in Texas along I-35
Ammo-delivery vehicle expected to decrease downtime between shootings (Heather Kennedy, Dripping Springs, Tex., a First Offender)

Maps Pinpoint Where Democrats Lost Ground Since 2020 in 11 Big Cities
It was in the voting booths, analysts say (Gary Crockett)

How to make Thanksgiving travel easier
After dinner, unbutton pants before heading to couch (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Are you my sponge?
Question tops list of Worst Pickup Lines Ever (Barbara Turner)

Putin sends message to West with missile
Biden asks if he can just pick up the phone next time (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Trash incinerator in Montgomery to continue despite pollution complaints
You know it's bad if the pollution is complaining (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

How to reduce your waste on Black Friday
Immodium (Stephanie Smilay, Takoma Park, Md.)

Bowser does not comment on movement
Dog sits quietly as owner howls in anger at poop on the carpet (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Some people are 'heart agers.' Some are 'brain youthers.'
And some are 'noun verbers.' (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Family of man found in river looks for answers
'Why are we in this river?' family asks (Duncan Stevens)

9-Letter Word for Avoiding Intimacy
That would be 'impotence' (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Dog-friendly bar Bark Social will file for bankruptcy
Pooches turned down pricey cocktails, drank out of toilet (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Can Gwyneth Paltrow Save Goop with a Bold New Vaginal Product?
Gynecologists advise: Vaginal goop not worth saving (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Garbage facility to keep running
Tariffs to be waived on MAGA caps made in Chinese factory (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Fall Into Despair
Stop Reading This Newspaper (Jonathan Jensen)

Tap water chemical is finally identified
After 4-year study, scientists announce it is dihydrogen monoxide (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Is It Possible the Democrats Were Hurt by a Strong Economy?
No. (Gary Crockett)

Why Black Friday is losing popularity with holiday shoppers
MAGA boycott demands Caucasian Saturday (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

N.H. shelter scurries to find homes for 800 mice
Kind offers roll in from Granite State herpetologists (Jeff Contompasis)

GOP may try to defang consumer watchdog
Republicans plan extraction for 90-year-old Ralph Nader (Jeff Contompasis)

It's big, ungainly, communicates with hisses and vomits when threatened
Why they won't give Eric Trump a Cabinet post (Barbara Turner)

Trump's choice for US spymaster is in many ways a stranger to the intelligence community
But a familiar face to the stupidity community (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Residents of Herndon apartment complex say mold is making them sick
Salmon-Jello dish from Fran in 3A not appreciated at potluck (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Why busy parents are turning to kettlebells
Kids won't run off when tied to 50-pound weights (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

These Are the Most Fulfilling Jobs in America
Women Say 'Nurse Anesthetist,' Men Say 'Blow' (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Times, temps and tips for making sure your turkey turns out swell
Our guide to restaurants that deliver on Thanksgiving Day (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Mouth taping may help with snoring and sleep apnea
May also prevent talking in your sleep about your extramarital affair (Dave Prevar; Howard Walderman)

Think twice before buying tomatoes this winter
Finance experts say stealing is much cheaper (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Fearing war, Georgia chooses a return to Russia's embrace
Explains Trump's win in Peach State (Dave Metzger, Venice, Fla.)

Loose hamsters ground plane for 5 days
Rebellious rodents thwart Boeing's new design to power engines (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Trump's Crown Doesn't Fit
President-elect Demands Investigation of American Dental Association (Richard Wexler)

Dons win Turkey Bowl
Trump Sr. and Jr. out-asshole the Kardashians to win coveted celebrity prize (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Passengers at Dulles Airport expected to grow
Experts fear new Cold Stone Creamery, Chick-fil-A on concourse will increase traveler obesity (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Chimp bands may have humanlike culture, report finds
'They're usually an hour late for their gigs, and half of them are stoned,' agent confides (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Connecticut Couple Charged in $1 Million Theft of Lululemon Goods
Police Recover All 12 Pairs of Full-Priced Yoga Pants (Michael Stein)

Where to See Santa in Wayne This Christmas Season
Pornhub launches "Gay Yuletide" channel (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Garbage facility to keep running
Substack agrees to keep The Gene Pool (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 7: our Week 100 contest for predictions of news headlines (and more) from a hundred years from now. Click on the link below.

The headline "Bank Ribbery" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Hildy Zampella; Jesse Frankovich)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
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Week 1618, Published 11/28/2024
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The Invitational Week 100!
... which we celebrate with a centennial contest
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Nov 28, 2024
Thanksgiving Novelty Inflatables Pumpkin Pie - Bullseye's Playground™, 1 of 4
AN INFLATABLE SLICE OF PUMPKIN PIE!
--

Hello. Happy Thanksgiving. We'll be quick with this one so you can get busy eatin' and excretin'.

We confess that when we resurrected the Style Invitational contest in these newer, narrower confines in January 2023 after its assassination by The Washington Post, we weren't sure that with a smaller, subscriber-only entrant pool, we'd still have the firepower left to run funny, inventive, daring results week after week.

You've pulled it off. It turned out that the readers who moved with us, as well as those of you who've contributed since then, are largely a distillate of the very best. You make us proud. We feel secure.

So, to celebrate Week 100, we look ahead. Waaay ahead.

Give us your predictions about some things that might be happening 100 years from now, in 2124.

We actually did a similar contest once before, on Feb. 29, 2004, when we calculated that there wouldn't be another leap-day Invitational until Feb. 29, 2032, so we called for predictions for that year, 28 years in the future. At the time we set up four potential categories:
-- What a news headline of the day would be;
-- The best-selling book;
-- The most successful corporation;
-- What would win The Style Invitational that week.

For Invitational Week 100: Tell us about what will be happening anytime in 2124. This time, you may use the categories above or any other you come up with. Here are some winners from 2004 (full results here):

News story: Hundreds Dead in Segway Pileup (Art Grinath)

Successful corporation: Big Al's Smog Saws (Russell Beland)

News story: Al Qaeda Threatens Security Council Veto (Bob Dalton)

Book: Heather Has Three Mommies and One Happy Daddy (Jeff Brechlin)

This contest was suggested by Longtime Loser Marni Penning Coleman, aka Marni Penning the Stage Actress and Audiobook Narrator. As threatened promised to Week 100 contest suggestors, Marni wins an ice cream date with the Empress.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 7, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-100.

Formatting your entries this week: We're back with our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until the end of each entry). And trust us: You won't insult us by making it clear that your entry is that day's news story, Invite entry, or whatever.

This week's winner gets the fine inflatable slice of Thanksgiving pumpkin pie pictured above. We bought it at Target for $3. We will not inflate it for you.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 30: our Week 99 contest to read a real headline as something funnier than it is, then write a "bank head" with the new interpretation. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Marni Penning Coleman)
Examples: (Art Grinath; Russell Beland; Bob Dalton; Jeff Brechlin)
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Title: ()
Subhead: ()
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Week 1617, Published 11/21/2024
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The Invitational Week 99: Mess With Our Heads
This week's contest: Look at a headline and see a funnier meaning. Also, a contest to get paid subscriptions to The Gene Pool for free.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 21, 2024

Hello! This will be an unusual Invitational Thursday, because we have a new contest to introduce, but no old-contest results on account of vacationing. This explains the extraneous but adorable photo above. We took it yesterday right off the highway on a trip south. It's in Warrenton, Va., next to the the Clark Brothers Gun Shop and shooting gallery. We feel this photo needs no explanation or elaboration. The area is prime rural Trump country, of course.

The new contest follows. But first, we have an announcement.

Do you remember John Beresford Tipton? That is the pseudonym we gave to a mysterious, diabolical person who has decided to become a secret, generous occasional benefactor to people who enter The Invitational. The pseudonym was taken from the cheesy but transfixing 1950s TV show "The Millionaire,' where every week, a billionaire named John Beresford Tipton gave away a million dollars to a stranger, because he was a generous but manipulative asshole and wanted to experiment and see whether sudden riches helped or destroyed people's lives.

Below is a still photo from the show, where his emissary is delivering a check for a million dollars to some clueless rube who, for all we know, may well have lived in Warrenton, Va. The emissary, Michael Anthony, is played by Marvin Miller, a man also well known for his voice-acting in the cartoon film "Gerald McBoing Boing," about a child who can only say "boing boing." The script was written by a very young Dr. Seuss.

That is all just inessential background, though.

The Millionaire (TV Series 1955-1960) - IMDb
As we approach the glorious Week 100 of the new Invitational, our John Beresford Tipton -- not an asshole, but definitely manipulative -- is offering as gifts four more free one-year paid subscriptions to the Gene Pool (worth $50 apiece) to worthy people. Will it make their lives complete, or destroy their souls? We'll find out.

Do you want one? It entitles you to enter "Comments" and also enter The Invitational, as well as access to the occasional special edition. Also, you become my employer, which allows you to abuse me without guilt.

We will give the four subscriptions to the best entrants to this contest:

Tell us your greatest hope for the future of America. Try to make it funny. If you are already a paid subscriber, you can submit an entry on behalf of someone else -- friend, relative, colleague, whatever -- but not for yourself.

URGENT CAPITALIZED AND BOLDFACED PARAGRAPH: YOU MUST INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND EMAIL IN THE BODY OF YOUR ENTRY -- WE WON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE IF YOU DON'T. WE DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, EVEN IF THE TECHNOLOGY LOOKS LIKE WE SHOULD KNOW IT. WE WILL NOT PUBLISH YOUR EMAIL OR NAME WITHOUT YOU BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE A WAY TO REACH YOU.

Send your stuff here, under the label "Hope for America." Say "hope for America" in your email. You have a week to respond.

Hope for America

Good.

Okay, the new contest:

Real headline: No Interest for 12 Months (bathroom remodeling ad)
Local teen completes full year of nonstop eye-rolling, yawning

Real headline: Prosecutors wrap in Le Pen fraud case
In dramatic courtroom scene, French attorneys display how plain pencil was disguised as antique Mont Blanc

Real headline: Terrapins Miss Their Shot to Earn Marquee Victory
Joke bank head: U. Maryland team wins grand prize for Worst Aim

--

For Invitational Week 99: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated Nov. 21-30, 2024. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page's URL after your entry.

Quick FAQs:

What counts as a headline? It's any text placed above the text of an article or ad and used as a title.

Can I drop words off the beginning or end? Yes, if it doesn't totally change the meaning. Don't change "Teacher Passes Out Report Cards" to "Teacher Passes Out."

Will you show us last year's winners, for guidance, inspiration, and laffs? We sure will. (Scroll down past the week's new contest.)

How do we format it? We'll just make it simple and tell you to make it clear enough for us to read. First the real headline, then your bank head, along with a URL or some other way to show us where you saw it. It doesn't have to all be on one line.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 30, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-99. See (the lack of) formatting instructions above.

The winner receives this fine calendar.

2025 12 hanging office desk 11x14 0
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: ()
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1616, Published 11/14/2024
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The Invitational Week 98: Tiles & Tribulations
Winners of our contest to find new words from 7-letter 'racks'
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 14, 2024

To all the dudes posting their "snow beards" from Canada and other cold places, the best I can do is a white beard from balmy (60 degrees) California : r/beards
Above: Man-bib! The term wins a runner-up this week for William Kennard. (This man, pictured, isn't Mr. Kennard.)
Hello. This is Part II of "The Empress Will Be Abandoning Us to Go on Some Vacation." So, no new contest this week; that's so she won't have to judge entries and write up the results in the car/on the beach/inside a volcano, etc. But we have the winners of Week 96 today (see below), and next Thursday we'll have a brand-new contest.

So we are good to go.

A Rack and a Har Place: ScrabbleGrams neologisms
In Invitational Week 96 -- a roughly annual contest we call The Tile Invitational -- we presented several dozen seven-letter "racks" from the syndicated ScrabbleGrams word game, and asked you to unscramble them (or rescramble them?) into new words or phrases of either six letters or all seven, then define them.

Third runner-up: AEOUDFT > OUTDEAF: To defeat one's spouse at pretending not to hear the baby crying.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up: ABBIMNO > MAN-BIB: A bushy beard.
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up: CEHLORT > LECH ROT: The medical condition in which one's genitals shrivel up and fall off from watching porn -- or that's what they taught us in Sunday school.
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the alligator socks:
AHISSTU > USA SHIT: What just hit the USA fan.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AAEFFLL > LAF FALE: Honorable mentions
AADOPRX > AARP DOX: The pile of junk mail announcing that your fiftieth birthday is coming. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

AADOPRX > AX DROP: What they did way, way before mics were invented. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

AADOPRX > RAXPOD: Bra. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

AANSWYY > NAYSWAY: Persuade someone not to do something. "Dude had to naysway a bro to abandon his butt-launched bottle rocket." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ABBIMNO > ON, BAMBI: What Santa has to yell when Comet or Dasher is out sick. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

ADGILUY > UG-LAID: Woke up next to someone who is somehow not nearly as good-looking as the person you went home with. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

AEEKORW> OK-WARE: Computer program that doesn't do much, but at least it's not malware. (Mark Raffman)

AEOUDFT > OAF DUET: Don Jr. and Eric. (Gary Crockett)

AEULPGL > LAP GLUE: Remnants of a lap dance; a.k.a. pelvic paste. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Tom Witte)

AHISSTU > SHIT, USA: The phrase uttered everywhere in Europe except Hungary and the Kremlin on November 6. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

ADGILUY > GUILDY: How you feel when you forget to pay your union dues. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

AFFNORT > FRONT AF: Well endowed. (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

AAELMNU > EMU ANAL: Least watched clip on Pornhub. (Duncan Stevens)

AIORRTT > TIT ROAR: "Ow! Why can't they make a mammogram machine that's not a torture device?" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

ABBIMNO > ABIMBO: With hands on hips and brain turned off. (Jesse Frankovich)

ACDDEIN > IDDANCE: "He just wanted sex all the time. Kicked him to the curb. Good iddance." (Judy Freed)

BCEHITW > BE WITCH: Unhappy with the tepid response to her Be Best campaign, Melania decides kids need to toughen up. (Dave Zarrow)

BCEHITW > WEB ITCH: That feeling you get in the middle of family dinner when all you want to do is look at your phone but Dad insists that this is "family time" and we have to go "devices down" but it's so lame and you just bite the back of your hand and your eyes roll back in your head and will this everrr be overrr??? (Mark Raffman)

CDEEIMN > DEICE ME: A last-minute directive added to Ted Williams's will. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

CEHLORT > CLOTHER: A lady who seductively dons more and more garments, frequently hired for Victorian bachelor parties. (Duncan Stevens)

CILOOPT > LOO PIC: What's Chapter 2, after "Upskirt," in "The Pervert's Guide to Photography." (Tom Witte)

GLOORUY > YOURLOG: One of the primary concerns in the field of UROLOGY. (Jeff Contompasis)

AEOUDFT > EDUFAT: What many a college student puts on with those nights of pizza and beer; a.k.a. "the Freshman Fifteen." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

The headline "Tiles & Tribulations" is by Kevin Dopart, as was the honorable-mentions subhead; "A Rack and a Har Place" is by Chris Doyle.

Meet the Parentheses! Join the Empress (Pat Myers) and sundry Invitational Losers and fans for brunch on Sunday, Dec. 1, 11:30 a.m., at Texas Jack's in Arlington, Va. Just relaxed socializing, no competitive repartee. Click here to sign up if you'd like to come.


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Week 1615, Published 11/07/2024
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The Invitational Week 97: Give Us a Break
Winning jokes on the worst that could happen/could have happened.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Nov 07, 2024


Emmett Kelly as "Weary Willie" / Bettmann Archives
Hello. Are you ready for some jocularity?
Yeah, neither are we.
Two weeks ago, when we launched the contest whose results are published today, we envisioned that they would run two days after an election in which the United States reaffirmed its greatness, honoring the visions of its founders by rejecting the threat of tyranny and blunt-force governance. We'd somehow assumed that wisdom and compassion would triumph over ignorance and hatred.
Instead, we are here.
The contest sought to mine the humor inherent in the greatest fears of a bipolar electorate: the things the extreme right and the extreme left might dread would happen if the other side won. The results were hilarious. The entrants came through for us. We judged their work on Monday. Then came Tuesday.
We present the results today, far less convinced that they will seem funny. We rely on a quote from some hack newspaper humor columnist, published a week after 9/11, in defense of The Style Invitational and other comedic sites: "When people are filled with grief, they need to cry. When they are filled with fear, they need to laugh."
The results of the political contest are below. The information about the new contest is right here:

There Is No New Contest!

No, we are not killing the Invitational. The Invitational still lives and thrives, despite and perhaps because of revolting world events. We are just taking a two-week break, and no, it is not for mourning. We'd been planning to do this for weeks.
It's the first time we've interrupted the flow since we began the Substack Invitational almost two years ago. We're going to skip two contests so that the Empress can actually have a vacation. (The Czar is like a helpless, drooling, powdered and diapered baby without her.)
Next Thursday's Gene Pool will have the results of our Week 96 neologism contest -- which you can still enter through Saturday, Nov. 9 -- and the week after that we'll announce a new contest but publish no results. So still, magically, there is an Invite every week.

The Laughtermath: The dire predictions of Week 95
In Invitational Week 95 we asked you to put yourself in the head of either a total Trumpster or total Harrister, consumed with fear of what this terrible other person would do starting Jan. 20, and jokingly predict some terrible consequence. The contest deadline was Nov. 2, three days before the election.
Third runner-up:
Of a Harris win: A zombie apocalypse ensues, led by all the dead people who voted for her. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Second runner-up:
Of a Trump win: Everyone named Jack Smith will be fired, just to be on the safe side. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
First runner-up:
Of a Trump win: January 6 will become a new national holiday, which we will observe by breaking into the nearest building and pooping in it. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
And the winner of the "I Don't Give a Shitake" mushroom plushie:
Of a Trump win: Trump will stage photo-ops at the renamed Tomb of the Unknown Sucker. (Kevin Dopart, Washington D.C.)

No Endorsement: Honorable mentions
Assuming Trump would win *
Not only will all lawn mowers and leaf blowers have to be powered by gas engines, but so will tricycles, flashlights, and wristwatches. (Gary Crockett)
The Washington Monument will be renamed the Arnold Palmer Monument. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
Colin Kaepernick will be banned from kneeling to tie his shoes. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Hurricane relief will consist of crossing out the disaster area on a map with a Sharpie so the storm never happened. (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)
The Presidential Seal will be killed and eaten by RFK Jr. (Gary Crockett)
History books will be required to refer to the Biden administration as "the Usurpation." (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md. )
All big strong men in the United States will be required to follow Trump around weeping. (Duncan Stevens)
Rudy Giuliani will be given a Humanitarian Service Award for donating a luxury Manhattan apartment and many valuables to a deserving Black family. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Trump will issue an executive order replacing all miniature-golf windmills with with oil rigs. (Kevin Dopart)
"Jeopardy!" contestants will be permitted to give a wrong answer so long as they add "A lot of people are saying." (Jesse Rifkin)
Alaska will be returned to the Russian Empire in exchange for prime dachas for Trump and his coterie. (Stephen Dudzik)
Justices Kagan, Jackson, and Sotomayor will fly their U.S. flags upside down. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
As the new Wellness Czar, Melania will replace Obamacare with Ireallydontcare. (Kevin Dopart)
Welcome your new Attorney General, the ghost of Roy Cohn. (Daniel Galef)
Trump will spend the week before his first State of the Union address going over all the details with his advisers, choosing what to cut and what to add so as to create the best possible playlist. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Trump will announce a new policy to let in female immigrants who are "my type." (Stephen Dudzik)
Assuming Harris would win:
School nurses will be so overworked providing gender-reassignment surgeries during regular school hours that lice will spread unchecked. (Daniel Galef)
Harris will celebrate her win like Brandi Chastain. (Jesse Frankovich)
The military will be forced to move from the Pentagon to make room for the new headquarters of Planned Parenthood. (Jon Ketzner)
Mattel will be ordered to make all Barbie and Ken dolls with genitalia -- but in partnership with Lego, so the parts can be changed easily. (Kevin Dopart)
The emboldened woke left will invent so many new pronouns that they will outnumber nouns. (Daniel Galef)
She will install handholds on the border wall. (Jonathan Jensen)
She'll put tampons in all the men's public toilets . . . which will clog them, because you're not supposed to do that. (Daniel Galef)
With no one to protect them, our women are forcibly groped and kissed by reality TV stars. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
Because of her the draconian tax on billionaires, Donald Trump will have to use a public defender. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
The Department of Transportation will be renamed the Department of Trans. (Lee Graham)
The headline "The Laughtermath" was submitted independently by Jeff Contompasis, Jon Gearhart, and Tom Witte; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 9: our Week 96 contest for new words drawn from any of 36 seven-letter ScrabbleGrams "racks" we supply Click on the link below.


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Week 1614, Published 10/31/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 96: The Tile Invitational XI
Make up new words with the letters we give you. Plus comically egghead jokes from Week 94.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 31, 2024


Illustration by "Barney & Clyde" artist David Clark
*Martini, observed on Nov. 11, is the Austrian equivalent of Halloween, celebrated with costumes and a lantern procession. That's a runner-up in our Asterisky Business contest for jokes that need footnotes. More hifalutin humor -- or maybe for you it's just mediumfalutin -- in this week's Invitational results, below.

--

Hello.

Hmm, seems we've been talking trash about our old employer this week. There's more of that stuff later, in the Questions and Observations section.

As to The Post, it is true the newspaper no longer has a big section of classified ads, a world-renowned humor contest, or some 200,000 of its readers. But TWP still runs the venerable in-print-only ScrabbleGrams word game, which The Invitational has been ripping off honoring every year since 2013. So we offer you a distraction from biting your nails as you sit on the couch next Tuesday:

AT THIS LINK YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 36 letter sets: the four pictured below from the Oct. 17 WaPo, the rest from the long-out-of-print Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real seven-letter word, but that's not the one you want.

For Invitational Week 96: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples below. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6, but you may use each letter in the set only once. (So if there are two L's, you can use them both, but if there's just one L, you can't use it twice.) Your term can be one word, two words, or hyphenated; we're easy.

There's a good chance that someone else will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sentence using your term) can be what gets you the ink. See the word list for instructions on formatting your entries.


AEOUDFT > F.U. DATE: What dinner has become by the third time he's taken out his phone to place a Draft Kings bet.

EOUGLLB > LOL BUG: It's infectious!

AEULPGL > AGEPULL: Sag. "That little butterfly on Grandma's chest? It's starting to look like a freight train with wings. That's agepull for you."

EIODFFM > DIM-FOE: A Chinese dumpling that not only disagrees with with you, but declares outright war on your gut.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 9, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 14. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-96.

The winner receives a handsome pair of socks in which the wearer's ankles are being eaten up, or at least swallowed, by alligators. While we could see these worn with some preppy Lacoste high-water khakis, it seems only right that they also be worn with Crocs.


Some people have alligator shoes * : This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Wonk on the Wild Side: Winning esoteric jokes
In our Week 94 contest, Asterisky Business, we asked for jokes depending on such technical or specialized knowledge that they required footnotes. Gene features these head-scratchers with the recurring character of Horace in his daily comic strip "Barney & Clyde," and he once again asked B&C artist David Clark to draw a couple of strips incorporating today's top entries.

Third runner-up:
Q: Why was Henry VIII unsuccessful at golf?
A: He had a brutal slice and ultimately did not break Parr.
*The king had two wives beheaded, and allowed wife No. 6, Catherine Parr, to remain unscathed and un-divorced. She outlived him. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Man: Guess what I saw at the Tokyo theater.
Woman: Kabuki?
Man: No.
Woman: No?
Man: Yes.
*No (sometimes spelled "noh") is a form of Japanese dance-drama. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Horace: What's the one thing Austrian kids want most around Halloween?
Horace: A dry Martini*
Barney: I suppose there's a joke in there somewhere.
Clyde: Always is.
*Martini, observed on Nov. 11, is the Austrian equivalent of Halloween.
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the toilet earrings:
Horace: Why did the au pair quit working for the Scottish couple?
Horace: They asked to play hitty-titty with their son*
Barney: Can we look this up or something?
Clyde: I don't really want to.
*Hitty-titty is an old Scots term for hide-and-seek. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Nerd-Do-Wells: Honorable mentions
Kamala Harris bought a pair of glasses, and to her amazement, she could see the future. But Latin scholars weren't surprised at all. Of course, they said -- they're Harris specs.
*A haruspex is a Roman seer. (Chris Doyle)

An actuary walks into a bar and begins to drink continuously.
*In actuarial notation, *, pronounced "a-bar," refers to an annuity paid continuously over a period of time. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

American: "It's so cold outside, it must be minus-40 degrees!"
European: "I know, right?"
*Minus-40 degrees is the only point at which the Fahrenheit and Celsius temperature scales converge. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Why did the physics professor name his cat Friction?
It had a notable mew.
*The Greek letter mu denotes how much friction a specific surface generates. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Why did the geologist study the low area before the high area?
Because she put the karst before the horst.
*Karst is an irregular limestone region characterized by sinkholes; horst is an elevated block of the Earth's crust between two faults. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Why was the state-court criminal defense lawyer upset at the federal judge?
He told her she wasn't getting any Younger.
*"Younger abstention" is a doctrine of law under which federal courts will not interfere in state criminal proceedings. (Mark Raffman)

How did the American tourist react when his German host wished him a good trip?
He was embarrassed.
*German for "have a good trip" is "Gute Fahrt." (Chris Doyle)

What did Ringo Starr's cardiologist call his patient's typical breakfast of a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich?
A double-stroke roll.
*In a double-stroke roll, a drummer strikes twice with one stick before striking with the other stick. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Can I help myself to the breath mints at the Supreme Court reception desk?
Only if you file a Cert petition.
*Requests that the Supreme Court take a case are called petitions for certiorari, or "cert petitions." (Duncan Stevens)

How did the art critic insult New York's mayor?
"Your MOMA has a giant Wang."
"Witches are Flowers, Sis" by Evelyn Taocheng Wang is a 25-foot-long painting at the Museum of Modern Art. (Mark Raffman)

Why couldn't the physicist integrate a scalar field?
Because he had no more flux to give.
*In physics, flux is a scalar field that measures the number of electric or magnetic field lines that pass through a surface in a given amount of time. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

What do you call a Greek yes-man?
A naysayer!
*In Greek, the word for "yes" (***) is pronounced "nay." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Did you hear about the student whose music teacher criticized his performance of a song? The student pointed to the score and countered: "What do you mean? When I got to the last measure it said 'fine.' "
*Pronounced fee-nay, "fine" in a musical score indicates the end of a section. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

How did the doctor decide that no one watching the sad movie had Sjogren's syndrome? There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
*People with Sjogren's syndrome have dry eyes and mouths. (Chris Doyle)

Why did the large woman get offended while walking in a downpour?
Someone called out, "Whoa, what a thunder-plump!"
*A heavy and sudden rainstorm. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

"Yesterday at church was Missionary Sunday, and we celebrated the author of "Rock of Ages."
"How inappropriate!"
*That hymn was written by Anglican cleric Augustus Montague Toplady -- and you wouldn't think Reverend Toplady would be an advocate of the missionary position. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Why did the caterer put a case of Chateau Latour '82 up his ass?
His clients had ordered a buttload of fine wine for the party.
*A buttload is an actual unit of measurement equal to 126 gallons of wine. (Mark Raffman)

What did the first-class passenger on a KLM flight say when offered either sweet buns or crepes for breakfast?
"As the pilot would concur, a Dutch roll is much better than a pancake."
*A Dutch roll is a usually correctable combination of yawing and rolling motion in an aircraft. A pancake is a landing with the gear up. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Why does your parrot squawk, "Get off my lawn!"?
Because he's a senior psittacine."
*Psittacines (with a silent P) are birds of the parrot family. (Jesse Frankovich)

Before treatment by a gynecologist, a woman should thoroughly familiarize herself with her vagina. As they say, it's always best to look before you LEEP.
*LEEP stands for loop electrosurgical excision procedure, in which an electrified wire loop is used to remove tissue in a woman's lower genital tract for diagnosis and treatment. (Judy Freed)

Why did the chicken cross from right to left?
Because it was an Eastern Orthodox chicken.
*The sign of the cross is made from right to left in the Eastern Orthodox tradition and from left to right in the Latin church. (Mark Raffman)

Why were the groundhogs covered in a weird adhesive?
They were rodents of unusual size.
*Size is a thin glue used to prime a surface for applying metal leaf. And "rodents of unusual size" are characters in "The Princess Bride." (Jesse Frankovich)

Why do people play Schoenberg's music right before Yom Kippur?
It's highly atonal.
Arnold Schoenberg was a composer of atonal music, which has no discernible key; Yom Kippur is the Jewish Day of Atonement. (Duncan Stevens)

Doctor: "Don't worry about payment for SUI treatment. Your insurance should cover the whole thing."
Patient: "Please, doctor, don't make me laugh."
*SUI, or stress urinary incontinence, is prompted by such movements as coughing or laughing. (Judy Freed)

The headline "Wonk on the Wild Side" is by Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 2: our Week 95 contest for comical musings on Terrible Things That Could Happen if the other side wins. Click on the link below.


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Week 1613, Published 10/24/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 95: What's the Worst That Could Happen?
After the election, we mean. And be funny about it. Plus the winners of our Ask Backwards contest.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 24, 2024

burning charcoal briquettes
Steaks a la Trump, circa 2025?
Hello.

We're in the final days before the election. The polls are Gillette-close. The rhetoric has been heating up. The Fear Factor is running high. Conservatives are in a frenzied froth. Liberals are in a writhing perturbation. Dire predictions abound on both sides. D.C. has become Disinformation Central.

Our question today is: In the collective minds of each group, what are some of the worst, most extreme things that could happen if their candidate loses? And yes, we are looking for funny. (For you libs: "The worst? A dictatorship in which all civil rights disappear and oaths of fealty to the Fuhrer will be required for voting and Jews will be *" might be a warranted concern, but it won't see ink.)

What we are seeking is more like this:

On the left: After a Trump win, by law you can only order your steak either well done or "briquetted," a brand new term meaning you can snap it in half.
On the right: After a Harris win, in every big city there will be licensed dog, cat, hamster, and cockatoo restaurants run by swarthy immigrants.
Okay? Good.

For Invitational Week 95: Give us a comically dire prediction of what could happen if Harris loses or Trump loses, as in the examples above.

Formatting your entries this week: It's just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter until the end of each entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 2, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Yup, before the election. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 7. Yup, after the election. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-95.

The winner receives this handsome "I Don't Give a Shitake" plush mushroom, given by Undeniable Shitake-Giver Dave Prevar.


NOT a rendering of any part of a presidential candidate: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Deja Q: Ink from Ask Backwards XLIII
As we had on forty-two previous occasions, in Invitational Week 93 we presented a list of "answers" and asked for the questions, Jeopardy! style. Of the suggested answers, "A children's book by RFK Jr." tickled the most Losers' fancies, accounting for almost 100 of the contest's 700 entries; submitted too often: "The Very Hungry Brainworm," And for the answer "Not a peep out of him," there was much talk of constipation after eating too much Easter candy.

Third runner-up:
A. A White Sox Burger.
Q. What's it called when your pitcher tosses a big meatball across the middle of the plate?
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
A. A children's book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is "And to Think That I Sawed It on Mulberry Street"?
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up:
A. Grip it by the seams.
Q. What did Frankenstein's monster tell his Bride on their honeymoon?
(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

And the winner of the skeleton socks:
A. A children's book by RFK Jr.
What is "Eat the Bunny"?
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Waste Ask-Its: Honorable mentions
A children's book by RFK Jr.:
What is "Hop on Pop's Legacy"? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What is "See Spot Run Over by a Car, Then Eat Him" (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

What is "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Vaccine?" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

AI Sauce:
What condiment gets all twelve of your fingers sticky? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

A White Sox Burger:
What ballpark meal will never give you the runs? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Gary Crockett)

Bond. Percival Bond.:
Who orders his lemon-drop cosmo "shaken, not stirred, and be sure to put powdered sugar on the rim with just a hint of cinnamon"? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Who starred in Octoprissy? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Camelot Harris:
Which knight defeated Sir Rantsalot? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Who smacked down Sir Vance a lot? (Frank Osen)

Chewing gumption:
What did it take to be the first person ever to eat a snail? (Jeff Hazle)

What personality characteristic often coincides with biting sarcasm? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

What precedes swallowing pride? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Grip it by the seams:
What's the best thing to do with yo mama's dress if you have fallen out of an airplane? (Mark Raffman)

How does Trump keep his hair on in a hurricane? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

What's the best way to get a soccer ball out of your mouth? (Frank Osen)

Muhammad Alley:
At which bowling center have the pins been knocked down only four times ever? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

What is the next street over from JesusIsThe Way? (Stephen Dudzik)

Take it for a spin:
What's an anagram of "It's a freakin' top"? (Jesse Frankovich)

What does the fan do with the shit that hits it? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

What's the first thing an actor does after mastering a Linda Blair impression? (Frank Osen)

The question you'd have asked at another debate:
What is "Mr. President, as you're the father of IVF, please explain the relative merits of frozen-embryo transfer, elective single-embryo transfer, and intracytoplasmic sperm injection"? (Duncan Stevens)

The Topic of Capricorn:
What would you rather have to discuss with your doctor than the Topic of Cancer? (Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

E Pluribus Um Um:
What is the motto on the planned Trump commemorative $3 bill? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Duncan Stevens)

Washington, CD:
What investment option never matures? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Bill Smith, Boqueron, Puerto Rico)

What is the capital of Dyslexia? (Stephen Dudzik)

Not a peep out of him:
How did the woman know her "friendly" neighbor Tom was out of town? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

43 Ask Backwards contests:
What, along with Pete Davidson, have been around since 1993 and are questionably funny? (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Deja Q" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 26: our Week 94 contest for jokes that require specialized or esoteric knowledge to get. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
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---------------------------------------------
Week 1612, Published 10/17/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 94: Asterisky Business
Put words in Horace's mouth: Tell us a joke that not everyone will get. Plus winning haiku on the news.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 17, 2024

"Barney & Clyde" art by David Clark.

Asterisk, first cartoon: Medically, "tinnitus" is not pronounced "tin-EYE-tis," like arthritis; the suffix "-itis" refers to an inflammation, which is not what tinnitus is. The preferred pronunciation is "TIN-it-uss." Ergo, the poet was in error.

Asterisk, second cartoon: In cricket, a "silly" is a fielding position that is very close to the batsman and considered foolish because of the risk of being hit by the ball or bat. Ergo, Horace presented this as a "silly joke," which was technically correct, if obnoxious.

Hello! In today's new Invitational, we once again ask you to do Gene's work for him, in return for tepid and grudging attribution in teeny writing between the panels of his syndicated newspaper comic strip, "Barney & Clyde," which is about a friendship between a billionaire and a homeless man. Today's topic is overly sophisticated humor, in which you have to come up with jokes that will be attributed to the recurring character Horace, who tells jokes so arcane that nobody understands them; to be understood, they require asterisked explanations, as in the examples above.

Backstory: Horace is named for Horace LaBadie, a funny, urbane, erudite man from Dunellon, Fla., who is a co-author of the strip, and whose clever efforts at scripts are occasionally rejected by Gene because only eleven people, max, will understand them.

For Invitational Week 94: In a Q&A riddle or other fairly short form, write a "Horace" joke that requires hifalutin or specialized knowledge to understand, as in the "Barney & Clyde" examples above. (This is similar to the results of our 2016 and 2002 Asterisky Business contests. You can use them as a guide.) Follow your joke with a brief explanation, as in Duncan Stevens's Asterisky Business winner from 2016:

Q. Why were the French tourists in D.C. embarrassed when they took their toddlers to the National Zoo?
A. The kids started yelling, "Seal! Seal!"*
*The French word for seal is phoque.
In this case, you do not have to write it all out as a completed comic strip script; just the joke and its explanation will suffice. We'll draw some of the good ones, with Horace telling them.

Formatting your entries this week: We're NOT exhorting you as usual to submit each entry as a single line. Just write them up in some form we can figure out.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 26, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 31. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-94.

The winner gets, apropos of the sophisticated humor we seek this week, a pair of toilet earrings. We will call them the Hoity Toities.

And the lids are down! We are just so hifalutin.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

'Ku Cards: The news haiku of Week 92
In Week 92 we asked you to write haiku -- which we described as any poem with three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables -- about subjects in the news. Rhymes were welcome, but unnecessary.

Third runner-up:
I bet Trump is mad
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
Let in Foreigner.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Late last Thursday night
Millions saw the Northern Lights
In their Facebook feeds.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
Patriots player
Accused in woman's assault.
And he's a "safety"?
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the Light poetry journal tote bag featuring the "Vote" haiku:
Pouty Trump Cancels '60 Minutes' Interview
60 Minutes is
The amount of time it takes
To cook a chicken.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Hai Crimes: Honorable mentions
Democracy shakes
Like a self-driving Tesla
Veering off the road.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

"Migrants take Black jobs,"
Trump said. So, to balance things,
Just vote for Harris.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Woman Caught Smuggling 748 Pounds of Cold Cuts
Our Southern border
Letting in bad guys? Just a
Load of bologna.
(Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Putin, Orban, Xi.
Each is what Trump wants to be:
Grand Theft Autocrat.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TikTok's sued by states
Because it's so addictive.
What's next, Haagen-Dazs? (Pam Shermeyer)

Mayor indicted!
New York might no longer be
The Adams Apple.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Winning Commanders
Show the difference between
Daniels and Daniel's.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Trump's bad at lying,
So he chose a running mate
Who's better at it.
(Jesse Frankovich)

A discovery!
Christopher Columbus was
A wandering Jew.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Now open! Trump's Place!
Management reserves the right
To serve just himself.
(Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

As an irritant
A grain of sand makes a pearl
But Ted Cruz makes squat
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

At a Trump rally,
Elon showed White men can jump.
It's just they shouldn't. (Jesse Frankovich)

Russian bombers use
Elon Musk's Starlink dishes.
Does X mark the spot?
(Pam Shermeyer)

Dems hope to see this
Slogan in '28: Keep
Kam and carry on. (Chris Doyle)

If Trump gets caught in
A Florida hurricane
Would he go hair-borne? (Neil Kurland)

My beautiful Court
Says Presidents are immune.
Nyah nyah nyah nyahhh-nyah.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Or 'Aim Higher'?
When 45's butt
Is targeted by some nut
Does Pence say, "So what?" (Kevin Dopart)

Qantas Interruptus
An explicit film
On "the Flying Kangaroo"
Had some hopping mad
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"A Bar Song (Tipsy)" --
Billboard's top hit for three months
You don't know it, right?
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Since it's a witch hunt
Just throw some water on Trump
He's melting, melting * (Neil Kurland)

The headline " 'Ku Cards" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 19: our Week 93 contest, the perennial Ask Backwards, in which we give the "answers" and you write the questions. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1611, Published 10/10/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 93: Ask Backwards XLIII
We give you the 'answers'; you tell us the questions. Plus winning ways to economize.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 10, 2024

TOILET PAPER PRANK ON HOUSE!
You won't have to buy it for months! See this and other winning ways to economize in this week's Invitational results, below.

Camelot Harris
Roto Ruder
Bond. Percival Bond.
Chewing gumption
Muhammad Alley
The Topic of Capricorn
Not a peep out of him
Washington, CD
E pluribus um um
Grip it by the seams
Take it for a spin
A White Sox Burger
AI sauce
A children's book by RFK Jr.
The question you'd have asked at another debate
43 Ask Backwards contests
--

Hello.

Yes, we are running our 43rd Ask Backwards contest, a great national achievement in recidivism and redundancy. We are very proud.

For Invitational Week 93: Above are the "answers" for this year's Ask Backwards contest; you provide the questions, in the "Jeopardy!"-ish form of A-followed-by-Q. Like last year's winner by Duncan Stevens:

A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. What's more plausible than "Donald Trump, 6-foot-3, 215 pounds"?

SUPER-IMPORTANT formatting note! While we'll publish the results in two lines as above, we ask you to help us sort the entries into categories. So: Write each one of your entries in a single line, beginning with the answer you're using, as worded in the list, and don't start the line with "A:" for "answer." Do it like this one:

A children's book by RFK Jr.: What is "Where the Wild Things Are for Eating"?
--

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 19, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 24. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-93.

The winner gets, possibly in time for Halloween, a fine pair of thin skeleton socks, which 4 out of 5 doctors recommend over holding an X-ray machine in front of your feet all day.


Q. What are prettier than your actual bunioned feet?
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

The Skinflintational: Thrift tips from Week 91
In Week 91 we asked for some comical ways to be thrifty. Even the Empress, who routinely tears paper towels into quarters because why use a whole piece for a small cleanup, has not tried any of the practices below. Oh, wait, there's one.

Third runner-up:
Wear actual Coke bottles instead of glasses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Get free appetizers and drinks on the way to Sunday brunch: Just stop at several churches to take Communion. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

First runner-up:
Do all your old underpants have holes in them? No problem! Just wear one pair on top of another -- as many as it takes until the problem is solved. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of the french-fry earrings:
I save on my water bill and toilet use by holding it in as long as I possibly can, both Number One and Number Two. A doctor might tell me that's not healthy, but I also save money by never going to the doctor. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Half Off: Honorable mentions
Save those really big toenail clippings to use as letter openers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Save money on food and yard maintenance by getting a goat stomach transplant and eating your lawn. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Book all your flights through Istanbul. -- E. Adams, N.Y.C. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A little strategically applied makeup, liquid latex, silicone, gelatin, and hair coloring are all it takes to snag the senior discount at the buffet. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Hurricane insurance prices going through the roof in Florida? Move hundreds of miles inland, then way up in the mountains. Asheville is said to be especially nice * (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Send that Nigerian prince just $1,750 rather than $3,500. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ever wonder why Grandpa has kept fourteen old calendars? That's because in any given year, one of them will always work. And those Vargas pinup girls never get old. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Collect debris from defective Boeing airplanes and sell to a metal scrapper. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Collect S&H Green Stamps. They were discontinued in the 1980s, so now, as collectibles, they're finally worth something. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Use both sides of the toilet paper. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Did you know it only takes 165 free Wawa coffee creamers to fill a gallon jug? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Adjacent burial plots: Use only one headstone. At the bottom, draw an arrow with a Sharpie, adding, "He's with me." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The morning after Halloween, gather toilet paper from all the TP'd houses in the neighborhood. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Cut food costs by getting a DoorDash gig and keep a bit of each meal until you have enough for your family's dinner. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Taking discreet sips from cups of beer as you pass them down the row at sporting events can give you a pleasant buzz at no cost! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Did you forget to brown-bag it today? The kids on that unlocked bus in front of the museum didn't. (Rob Huffman)

Don't throw away that toothpick until you've used both ends. For the fancy ones, you can use the frilly part to clean out your nose. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Explain to the hookers you patronize that you're short on cash but you'll happily pay them in sexual favors. (Duncan Stevens)

Get your money's worth for that parking space: Hang out in your car till the meter hits zero. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Give a few small donations to Habitat for Humanity; get a lifetime supply of postage stamps from the return envelopes in its solicitation mailings. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Go back to dial-up internet access: It's much cheaper and your porn addiction will quickly dry up. (Stephen Dudzik)

Go to a forested park, don a bear costume, and sit innocently along a tourist road; when enough idiots give you food for a picnic, enjoy it while forest-bathing. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Instead of buying milk, shampoo, toothpaste, laundry detergent, and motor oil, just use water. (Jesse Frankovich)

Collect your earwax and use it as lip balm, just as some refined ladies did in the 19th century. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Instead of buying sweets for Halloween, put out a sign on your front lawn that says "COME GET YOUR CANDIED BROCCOLI." (Sam Mertens)

Let's say you have a, uh, an old dead fish that you need to dispose of, and I mean totally. Just mix up a vat of sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide from your, um, chemical business. It'll melt all that soft tissue -- and even turn the bones into gypsum, which could be added to stucco or drywall if you also happened to, say, own a legitimate construction materials interest. -- Jack "The Dipper" Stromboli, Brooklyn (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Instead of purchasing expensive name brands, make your own cars, appliances, and smartphones. (Jesse Frankovich)

Re-create most of the Disney World experience for less, by standing outside in 105-degree heat for hours while not going on rides. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Make pens and pencils last longer by writing everything in shorthand. (Sam Mertens)

When someone passes the collection plate to you in church * collect! (Gary Crockett) .

Junior doesn't need a tuxedo for his prom when the party store has lots of perfectly good penguin costumes! (Duncan Stevens)

Learn how to tie your shoes, brush your teeth, and change the toilet paper roll yourself instead of hiring a professional. (Jesse Frankovich)

When your kid needs wheels for a soap box derby car, remember that shopping carts are only a quarter at Aldi! (Jon Gearhart)

Place fake pizza orders going to your neighbors, wait for them to turn the delivery person away, then go outside and offer to buy it at a discount. (Sam Mertens)

Persuade your multiple personalities to participate in your pyramid scheme--that way you get all the profits. (Jesse Frankovich)

Volunteer at a local senior center. Ever notice that those people almost never finish a meal? (Rob Huffman)

To make a thriftier PB&J sandwich, put the peanut butter on one side of a slice and jelly on the other. Bam! 50 percent off your bread bill right there. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

When your ratty old shoes are about to fall apart, go bowling and exchange them for some snazzy multicolored replacements. (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: Cancel your subscription to the Substack column that keeps being unfair to our BEST PRESIDENT EVER! --John Barron (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The headline "The Skinflintational" is by Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 12: our Week 92 contest for witty haiku about the campaign or other current events. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1610, Published 10/03/2024
---------------------------------------------
Invitational Week 92: Wryku
Write us a funny haiku about something in the news. Plus our winning campaign bumper stickers!
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 03, 2024


Win this timely tote bag from Light with your current-events haiku.
The Candidate
A man is running,
Sweet family by his side.
What's wrong with this pic?
Hello. This week's Invitational appears at the suggestion of Melissa Balmain, who in addition to being a 217-time Invitational Loser (including as a 16-time winner) is the editor in chief of the poetry journal Light, which regularly offers topical "Poems of the Week." Melissa wrote to remind us that we hadn't run a haiku contest in quite a while -- and that if we would, she'd even pony up the prize.

For Invitational Week 92: Write a witty haiku about anything in the news right now, as in Gene's example above about the strange ad by Virginia congressional candidate Derrick Anderson. For our purposes -- and with this we aim to stop the pedants in mid-hand-wring -- we're defining a haiku as any three-line poem with five syllables in Lines 1 and 3, seven syllables in Line 2. It may have a rhyme but does not have to. It should be funny. It doesn't have to concern nature etc. etc, etc. etc. You may add a title, and if your haiku is referring to a specific news item, we could link to it, as above, if you'll include the URL.

This week's winner receives the tote bag pictured above, displaying a haiku by Paul Lander, himself an Invite One-Hit Wonder. And Melissa reports that "this is one sturdy tote. I lugged home quite the haul of gourds." So go for the gourd!

Formatting this week: While of course we'll run each inking haiku as three lines, please submit each haiku (including the title if any) in one long line, separated by slashes. For example, here's how this almost eternally timely haiku would be submitted; it's by the late light-verse master Mae Scanlan:

Springtime in D.C.!/ Two things ruin outdoor fun: / Mosquitoes and Nats.
Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-92.

An extra day! Because of the unfortunate scheduling of this year's Yom Kippur, which was inconsiderately set 1,700 years ago on the Hebrew calendar, this week's deadline will be extended to Sunday, Oct. 13, at 5 p.m. ET. (Sharp!) Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 17. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Back-Ended Compliments: Winning bumper stickers from Week 90
In Invitational Week 90, we asked you to suggest ideas for bumper stickers about this year's elections. Not that we're actually going to print the permanent car-defacers, as we used to do for honorable-mention winners back in the 20th century.

Third runner-up:
MIND over MAGA: Kamala Harris 2024
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
TRUMP HAS THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS
(Jesse Frankovich)

First runner-up:
Why settle for the lesser of two evils? WE'RE GREATER! Vote Trump/Vance
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

And the winner of the figurine of NFL star Ricky Williams from when he was
playing bush-league baseball for the Piedmont Boll Weevils:
START THE STEAL! Trump/Vance 2024
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Decal Matter: Honorable mentions
Immigrants Are Grabbing Your Socks From the Laundromat Dryer! Vote Trump! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

De Ploribus Unum: Trump Voters, Unite! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

For He's a Jowly Old Felon: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

Trump Means Never Bothering to Say You're Sorry (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

On Wednesday, November 6, Cast Your Vote for Trump! (and in teeny type: Vote Harris) (Jonathan Jensen)

All Hands on Dick for Lauren! Reelect Boebert (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Listen carefully, as our menu options have changed: KAMALA HARRIS and TIM WALZ (Jim Schaefer, Greenbelt, Md., a First Offender)

Even Having Trump's Name Here Devalues My Car (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

If You Can't Read This, We'll Deport You: Trump-Vance 2024 (Jon Gearhart)

If You Can Read This, You're Too Smart to Vote for Trump: Harris '24 (Michael Stein)

She Suffices (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Concepts of a Bumper Sticker (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Only Cats Should Be Orange and Stupid: Vote Harris (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

The Truth Hurts. So Ignore It. Trump-Vance 2024 (Diana Oertel)

We're Gonna Need Your Full Coup Operation: Vote Trump (Jesse Frankovich)

No New Texas: Reelect Senator Ted Cruz (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

My Dog Ate My Kid's Homework, and Then My Neighbor Ate My Dog. Vote Trump. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Roadkill in Every Pot: RFK Jr. 2024 (Chris Doyle)

I Am Applying an Adhesive Catchphrase to This Car as We Normal People Do: Vance 2024 (Duncan Stevens)

Indicted We Stand! Bring Back Trump (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Kennedy 2024: Every Animal Was Harmed During the Making of This Candidate (Duncan Stevens)

We Drained the Swamp (and found 22 Trump associates): Harris 2024 (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Make Assholes Go Away: Vote Harris (Neal Starkman)

Porn-Again Christians for Mark Robinson (Chris Doyle)

Better a Childless Soul Than a Soulless Child: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

If you can't pronounce her name, just say PRESIDENT HARRIS (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Eliminate the Middleman: Putin for President (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Make America Hate Again -- Good, Fine People for Trump (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

SAVE THE WHALES * for RFK Jr. (Stephen Dudzik)

Vote for Whoever Taylor Swift endorsed! // Caution: Student Driver (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Trump's Golf Score: A-Hole In One -- Vote Blue (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

If You Liked January 6, You'll Love the Sequel: Trump 2024 (Diana Oertel)

A Vote Is a Terrific Thing to Waste: Jill Stein 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

He Can Still Remember 'Woman' and 'TV': Vote Trump (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Procrastinators Club of America Endorses John Quincy Adams in '24 (Gregory Koch)

And Last: Trump 2024: Four More Years of Prime Invitational Entry Content (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "Back-Ended Compliments" is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 5: our Week 91 contest for humorous ways to economize (including true anecdotes). Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Melissa Balmain)
Examples: (Paul Lander)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Melissa Balmain)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1609, Published 09/26/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 91: Saved!
Tell us funny ways to be thrifty in these parlous times. Plus the winning comparisons of people with the same initials.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 26, 2024

Hello.

If you've been reading or watching Donald Trump's speeches -- and who hasn't? -- you've been duly notified that the American economy is in a death spiral that can be rescued only by the election of a sane, prudent person with an actual plan Donald Trump.

Now that this dire financial disaster is on the table, even if it seems to come only from the former president, we must bravely fight against it as best we can. We must carry the battle into our very homes and lives. The Czar remembers how his grandma -- a product of the Depression -- dealt with a burnt slice of toast. She would never, ever, throw it out. She would take a knife and scrape off the char, however deep it went. The remaining fragment was barely still toast, but it was consumed, and a whole ha'penny was saved.

For Invitational Week 91: Offer some comical ways to be thrifty. You may tell us a true example of, say, funny family parsimoniousness or idiotic workplace penny-pinching (if so, label it true) or you may invent new ones, as in the fine examples below. These were taken from our only other contest about cheapskatery, which was 21 years ago.

At the bottom of your Christmas cards, write, "P.S., Happy Valentine's Day!" -- Elisabeth Kuhn

Kill and cook your own meals. Hint: Security is pretty lax at petting zoos. -- Stephen Dudzik
Instead of paying for a personalized license plate, just change your name to match your license plate. -- XZC-4147
--

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 5, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 10. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-91.

This week's winner receives, apropos of thriftiness, these cheap-to-mail french fry earrings, cheaply un-logoed but still pretty cute.


What Mrs. Potato Head wears when she gets all dressed up: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Twinitials: The winning pairs of Week 89
In Invitational Week 89, we asked you to compare or otherwise link two people (or two whatevers) who had the same initials. The Czar felt strongly that someone who's known mostly by three names or initials can't suddenly have two. And so we didn't give official ink to, and do not officially applaud, these otherwise ingenious 3-to-2 entries:

M.C. Escher and Mr. Ed: What you see is impossible, of course. (Jesse Frankovich)

Chuck E. Cheese and Chris Christie: One is a rat that makes pizza, and the other eats it. (Leif Picoult)

--

Third runner-up:
Jesus Christ: Filled up 5,000 people on five loaves and two fishes. Joey Chestnut: Fortunately, he wasn't there. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up:
Eddie Murphy: Donkey. Elon Musk: Ass. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Yo-Yo Ma makes beautiful music with his cello. Yo Mama makes beautiful music with my organ. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the teeny corgi earrings:
Mister Magoo, Marlee Matlin, Marcel Marceau, Michael Myers: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, evil. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Twoofuses: Honorable Mentions
Joe Biden and James Buchanan: Both are one-term presidents from the Mid-Atlantic, born in 1791. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Andrew Carnegie and Al Capone: Both made such a killing! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Amelia Earhart: She disappeared very suddenly before World War II. Adolf Eichmann: He disappeared very suddenly after World War II. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Auguste Rodin: Cast himself a thinker. Ayn Rand: Cast herself as a thinker. (Michael Stein)

Auguste Rodin could start with a big blob of clay and mold a delicate, beautiful figure out of it. Al Roker has lost a lot of weight, too. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Dylan Thomas raged, raged against the dying of the light; Donald Trump rages, rages against Haitians . . . CNN . . . Taylor Swift . . . (Richard Pawlak, Lawrenceville, N.J., a First Offender)

Tom Cruise and Ted Cruz: If you were to tell the press that his wife is ugly and his dad killed JFK, Tom Cruise probably wouldn't give you his endorsement. (Mark Raffman)

Billy Crystal vs. Bill Cosby: One is a rapier wit; the other is just rapier. (Jesse Frankovich)

Brazil's Jair Bolsonaro vs. Italy's Jean Bugatti: Bugatti masterminded a coupe. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Brett Kavanaugh vs. Burger King: Only one cooked up whoppers under oath. (Jesse Frankovich)

Clarence Thomas and Cheryl Tiegs: Rich guys want to spend a lot of time with both of them, for some reason. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Daffy Duck is almost as looney tunes as Dinesh D'Souza. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Daniel J. Travanti and Donald J. Trump: Both are known for long-running crime dramas. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Donald Trump and Danny Thomas: Two incredibly talented men who don't get nearly enough credit for all the money they have donated to charities and all the humanitarian work they have done. -- John Barron (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Tony Stark was a billionaire who saved humanity; Taylor Swift, possibly ditto. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Edgar Allan Poe: Nevermore. Elvis Aron Presley: Still alive? (Jesse Frankovich)

Edward Furlong: Pursued by a devious robot. Elmer Fudd: Pursued a devious rabbit. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Elon Musk and Elizabeth Montgomery: Only Elon truly believes he has magical powers. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

George Clooney and George Costanza: Women wouldn't care if Clooney experienced shrinkage. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Huey Lewis and Hannibal Lecter: One wants to be Stuck With You; the other wants to make stock with you. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

John Holmes and Jascha Heifetz: Sex and violins. (Chris Doyle)

Larry Bird and Lauren Boebert: Both excellent ball handlers. (Mark Raffman)

Lauren Boebert and Lenny Bruce: Lenny rubbed people the wrong way. (Duncan Stevens)

Linda Lovelace: No limits on what goes into her mouth. Laura Loomer: No limits on what comes out. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Lois Lane hangs out with Superman. Laura Loomer thinks she hangs out with Superman. (Jonathan Jensen)

Lyndon LaRouche: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories. Laura Loomer: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories and eating dog food on camera. (Jonathan Jensen)

John Lennon: Hey Jude. Jeffrey Lebowski: Hey, Dude. (Chris Doyle)

Maria Teresinha Gomes: She masqueraded as a man. Marjorie Taylor Greene: She masquerades as an adult. (Michael Stein)

Kamala Harris and Kevin Hart: Unlike her, he's always been black. - DJT (Chris Doyle)

Bob Cerv played with Mickey for nine years. Bill Cosby played with mickeys longer. (Kevin Dopart)

Jane Austen and Joe Arpaio: Only the latter showed pride in being prejudiced. (Jesse Frankovich)

Michael Collins: Orbited the moon. Michael Cohen: Orbited just the asshole. (Kevin Dopart)

Marty McFly and Mitch McConnell: Stuck in 1955. (Jesse Frankovich)

Robert DeNiro and Ron DeSantis: Both are known for raging bull. (Chris Doyle)

We like to see Simone Biles flying above the bars -- and Steve Bannon standing behind them. (Jesse Frankovich)

Snoop Dogg and Stormy Daniels: Both have had notable experiences with mushrooms. (Jesse Frankovich)

Sting and Sisyphus: Both were into rock and roll. (Chris Doyle)

William Spooner: "Steven Wright and I have the same initials." (Michael Stein)

Jodie Foster and Jesse Frankovich: Only one of these incredibly talented and attractive people has ever heard of the other. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: George Washington vs. Gene Weingarten: Washington refused to go by some pompous imperial title. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline "Twinitials" is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 28: our Week 90 contest for campaign bumper stickers. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Elisabeth Kuhn; Stephen Dudzik; Lindsay Lacy)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1608, Published 09/19/2024
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The Invitational Week 90: Stick It
An election bumper sticker contest. Plus winning fad ideas to outdo 'fridgescaping.'
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Sep 19, 2024


Hello. This week's contest was proposed by reader Nancy Meyer, who suggested that we create bumper stickers for use in the next few weeks leading up to a reckoning over The Most Important Presidency in Our Lifetimes (except for the lifetime of the elderly Czar, who tragically was eating strained prunes during the waning days of the Harry Truman administration, after his unexpected defeat of Thomas Dewey, which birthed the Marshall Plan, which saved Western Europe and assured the perpetuation of democracy across the globe, but also inadvertently triggered the Cold War, the partition of Berlin, etc. But that is a complex story for another time).

Ms. Meyer proposed this bumper sticker:

Show Compassion for Dementia
But DON'T VOTE FOR IT
In short order, reader Barrett Swink came up with another one:

BID NO TRUMP
So that's the contest. We are looking for "funny," but "brilliant and effective" will work, too. Most important: originality. If you come up with an idea, consider first whether many others are likely to propose it. Those submitted by more than three people won't get individual ink.

For Invitational Week 90: Create an original bumper sticker slogan -- 15 words or fewer -- for the 2024 presidential election. It can be for either Harris or Trump, or any other proposed candidate out there, real or fictitious. (Alert: If you choose the latter category, it had better be damn good.) And you could even do one for just a vice presidential candidate.

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 28, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-90.


This week's winner receives something we are certain you do not already have: a collectible minor-league baseball figurine of one Ricky Williams, starting left fielder for the South Atlantic League's Piedmont Boll Weevils in 1996-97, but who left to join a team with an arguably more dignified name, the Batavia Muckdogs. Mr. Williams never made it out of single-A ball, where he batted .192. He did, however, do pretty well in his second, simultaneous sport, college football at the University of Texas, where he won the Heisman Trophy as a running back. Professionally, he played for the New Orleans Saints and the Miami Dolphins, gaining many yards and much glory, until he retired at the height of his career in 2004 after failing three drug tests for pot. He made several brief returns to pro football, and coached another team with a dignified name, which is, we swear, the University of the Incarnate Word. He wound up losing $3.1 million to a bogus financial adviser named Peggy Ann Fulford, who served 10 years in prison. Today, Mr. Williams is a certified yoga instructor. He has a tattoo of Mickey Mouse on his left biceps.

This super-fine prize was donated by Kathy Sheeran of Mudwump, Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

this here button

LOL the Rage: The fad-ideas of Week 88
In Invitational Week 88 we asked you to come up with an even sillier idea than "fridgescaping," the true but not-really-a-trend of decorating the inside of your refrigerator with flowers, framed pictures, and the like.

For perhaps the first time in our storied history, real life intruded with a real-life example of a new, real-life fad, one that rivals in its stupidity many of the actual inking entries below. Before most entries were even received, alert reader Terri Berg Smith wrote in to say she wasn't going to submit entries because she couldn't think of a better one than this real one, also chronicled by the New York Times: artfully arranging your pocket items and such in a TSA conveyer belt bin at the airport, then posting your creations on Instagram. Says Terri: "I pity the fool who holds up the security line taking the time to do this. Shouldn't we have seen articles about the altercations they cause?"

Here's an example published by the Times:

A gray bin with shoes, a perfume, a passport, a purse and gold glasses in it.
What, just throw your crap into the basket without even taking a photo? TSA bin art by Natasha Ahmed
Back to our contest:

Third runner-up:
Last-step food delivery: Make dinner even more convenient with tableside spoon-feeding services, like Open Wide and MouthDash. Try the chopsticks option! (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Instead of rooftop solar panels, rooftop nuclear reactors. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
So you use an e-reader these days -- that doesn't mean you can't still show off all you've read. Impress your friends and neighbors with bookshelves filled with framed pictures of all those books. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

And the winner of the grumpy socks:
Study-abroad preschool. (Duncan Stevens)

Fad Nauseam: Honorable mentions
Inspired by RFK Jr.'s bear tale, it's now the thing to make TikToks of leaving dead specimens of different species in Central Park. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Precision dental care: A set of 32 toothbrushes, each customized to a single tooth. (Duncan Stevens)

Micromarathons: Introductory-level races covering 26.2 feet. (Jesse Frankovich)

Same-sex pet weddings. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

All You Can't Eat restaurants: Come in and smell the food for $9.99 for the first ten minutes; extra charge for steak and lobster aroma. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Stage your own livestreamed colonoscopy, from proctology-themed save-the-date evites ("This is a stickup!") to real-time narration of the procedure. Make sure you include a surprise at the end! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Soundtracking: It's an app that lets you add exciting musical backgrounds to everyday tasks. Every commute has a thrilling car chase theme! Every lunchtime microwave reheating adds a suspenseful crescendo as the timer approaches zero! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Talk Like Jane Austen Day offers a most agreeable respite from the ignoble sort of intercourse that so vexes us in today's coarse and ill-bred times. Observed on the birthday of its illustrious namesake, it is swiftly gaining favor among those of a literary persuasion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A Christmas tree tied to the roof of your car makes a charming picture. Why not leave it there, fully lit and decorated, spreading holiday cheer wherever you go? And you'll avoid littering the floor with pine needles. Batteries not included. (Jonathan Jensen)

Bar patrons, urine luck! The latest trend is to serve cocktails in sample-collection cups, with your name on a sticker. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Bonsai cannabis plants. (Tom Witte)

Cavecore: A lifestyle that celebrates a return to prehistoric living. Wear bearskin hides; decorate your walls with berry-dyed stick figures depicting a mammoth hunt. A perfect complement to a paleo diet. (Jesse Frankovich)

Couples defoliate each other's pubes, then wear their partners' nether-curls in vials around their necks. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Create earrings for your car's side mirrors. (Leif Picoult)

Depends thongs. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Nothing says country charm like an authentic, hand-built outhouse in your backyard. And what could be more convenient for outdoor entertaining? (Jonathan Jensen; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Don't banish kitty to the corner: Center your living space with a cat box Zen garden, with bonsai to pee on and little rakes to create designs around the poop-rocks. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Elaborate "menarche parties" for girls' first meeting with their Aunt Flo. Red dresses are de rigueur. (Jon Ketzner)

Plastic lawn platypuses. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Reverse sandwiches: In this whimsical deconstruction, the meat and toppings are on the outside and the bread is in the middle. (Leif Picoult)

Paint eyeballs on your car's headlights. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Work-from-homers say their moods improve when they paint winsome smiles under the slots of their electric outlets. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Tat Your Baby! Funny clown faces, sparkly unicorns, or the ever-popular
"** Mommy." You'll be sure that Jaden or Kayla will never forget you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Uneven-heeled shoes. Put some extra oomph in your walk. One-inch left heel and two-inch right heel per pair. (Rob Cohen)

Pretend You're in an Opera: Delight your family and co-workers with spontaneous arias when you're telling the kids to get ready for school, announcing next quarter's sales projections, feeding the dog*. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Make cute bling to decorate your ankle monitor -- call it your harm bracelet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Sam Mertens; Roy Ashley)

Never worry about mold again when it's integrated into your Rainforest Shower concept. (Kevin Dopart)

Troughing It: As a counter-trend to very demure, very mindful eating, foodstuffs are all slopped together into a feedbox. (Jeff Contompasis)

Rice is bad for birds; confetti is trash: As the happy couple walks out, toss something eco-friendly, like grass clippings, eggshells, or your own cut hair or underarm shavings, tinted in natural dyes in the wedding theme colors. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Vaginoplasty and Prince Albert reveal parties: After running naked through a cheerleader tunnel, of course. (Kevin Dopart)

Your significant other will think it sublime
If on Valentine's Day you speak strictly in rhyme.
It's a lot more romantic than buying a card,
Though maintaining a consistent poetic meter is hard. (Jonathan Jensen)

Welsh Wordle: Get 60 chances to guess a 50-letter word. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "LOL the Rage" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Chris Doyle each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 21: our Week 89 contest to compare two people who have the same initials. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Nancy Meyer)
Examples: (Nancy Meyer; Barrett Swink)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1607, Published 09/12/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 89: Funny, Init?
Compare two people who have the same initials. Plus winning altered quotes given to other people.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 12, 2024


Runner-up entry by Mike Fransella in our 2005 contest.
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, which is a giant pool with an island in the middle of it, an island of soothing humor and mental tranquility where one can escape the normal worries and anxieties of the day, such as whether immigrants will eat your cat.

Today we introduce a contest that we hereby declare brand new, inasmuch as we are a nation of truncated attention spans, and we haven't run this contest in nineteen years.

For Invitational Week 89: Link or contrast two people (or animals, whatever), real or fictional, living or dead, who have the same initials, as in the example above and those below, all from our 2005 contest. The results back then included such names of the hour as Jeff Gillooly, Alan Keyes, and Heidi Fleiss; our own hour surely can provide many more letter-twins.

Carrie Bradshaw and Chef Boyardee: Sex and the ziti. (Chris Doyle)
For Thomas Hobbes, it was life that was nasty, brutish, and short. For Tonya Harding, it was Tonya. (Seth Brown)
Susan Sarandon was in "Rocky Horror"; Sylvester Stallone was in several "Rocky" horrors. (Brendan Beary)
Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 21, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 26. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-89.

This week's winner receives a little bitty pair of earrings that look as if two little bitty corgis are biting you on your earlobes and wiggling their cute little bitty corgi butts. In an amazing coincidence this week, the left and right corgis share the same initials.


At least it's not humping your leg. This week's corgi earrings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Quip-Change Artists: The altered quotes of Week 87
In Invitational Week 87 we asked you to slightly change any well-known quote, then attribute it to someone else. Submitted by too many people: "I'll be Black," quoting either faker Rachel Dolezal or, according to Trump, Kamala Harris.

Third runner-up:
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little Doug, too!" -- DJT (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up:
"I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking drain!" -- a retiring plumber (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up:
"We shall come over." -- Your in-laws (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the Crocs earrings:
"I think; therefore I, um..." -- Joe Biden (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

That's NOT What She Said: Honorable mentions
"Now is the winner of our discontent." -- Virtually half the electorate on Nov. 6. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

"Breaking is hard to do." -- Raygun (Jesse Frankovich)

"It's a cinch to kill a mockingbird." -- Eric and Don Jr. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

"Why can't a woman be more like a mat?" -- Andrew Tate (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

"It is what it isn't."--Donald Trump (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

"I can't get nose satisfaction." -- Michael Jackson (Jesse Frankovich)

"Greed is God." -- Donald Trump (Gary Blankenship, Tallahassee, Fla., a First Offender)

"I did not have sexual relations with that ottoman." -- JD Vance (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll slow your House down." -- Speaker Kevin McCarthy (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"There's no trying in baseball!" -- Chicago White Sox manager Grady Sizemore (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C. -- surely this is the first time in Invite history that two family members independently submitted essentially the same entry)

"There's no spying in baseball?" -- Houston Astros (Duncan Stevens; Kevin Dopart)

"Come up and seat me sometime." -- Rosa Parks (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"Does anybody really know what climate is? Does anybody really care?" -- Fox News (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

"Fist, do no harm." -- Gandhi (Tom Witte)

"I am become Death, the destroyer of words." -- Porky Pig (Duncan Stevens)

"Got to get you into my wife." -- Bedroom scene, guy in Viagra ad (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

"Don't rain on my charade." -- G. Santos (Judy Freed)

"Go fake a hike." -- Mark Sanford (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

"Fortune favors the bald." -- Jeff Bezos (Jesse Frankovich)

"He's not playing with a full dick." -- Lorena Bobbitt (Jon Gearhart)

"Heaven hells those who help themselves." -- Miss Manners on cutting in at the buffet line (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

"Hell is Mother, people." -- Norman Bates (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my clothes-up." -- Marilyn Monroe on the set of "The Seven Year Itch" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

"Out, damned spit! Out, I say!" -- the Hawk Tuah Girl (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

"The cluck stops here." -- Colonel Sanders (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Yo, Hadrian!" -- Marcus Aurelius (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; Kevin Dopart; Gary Crockett)

"A date that will live in infinity." -- Bill Murray (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely payers." -- Ticketmaster (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

"I take a village." -- Genghis Khan (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

"I'm wanking here! I'm wanking here!" --Paul Reubens (Duncan Stevens)

"Let my peepee go": Lauren Boebert's date (Jon Ketzner)

"Do not go gently into that good night." -- Strunk and White (Roy Ashley)

"I feel the need -- the need for steed." -- Catherine the Great (Craig Dykstra; Tom Witte)

"I feel the need -- the need for screed." -- Michael Moore (Jeff Contompasis)

"Love means never having to say you're Siri." -- Alexa (Beverley Sharp)

"The bigger they are, the harder to fail." -- Ben Bernanke (Kevin Dopart)

"There's no item like the present." -- your wife (Jesse Frankovich)

"The road to hell is paved with good inventions." -- Elon Musk (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

"To thy gown self be true." -- RuPaul (Chris Doyle)

"I'll wave what she's waving." --Samuel Alito (Duncan Stevens)

"When you care enough to send the very beet." -- Dwight Schrute (Roy Ashley)

"Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent inhalation." -- Willie Nelson (Tom Witte)

And Last: "Gene? He is just 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration." -- Pat Myers, happily working fifteen miles away from him (Jon Gearhart)

The headline "Quip-Change Artists" is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 14: our Week 88 contest to come up with a fad even sillier than decorating the inside of your refrigerator. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Mike Fransella; Chris Doyle, Seth Brown; Brendan Beary)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1606, Published 09/05/2024
---------------------------------------------
Week 88: The Cold New Trend
What would be an even sillier new fad than decorator refrigerator shelves? Plus a hamster named Shaquille O'Wheel, and other great monikers for pets.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 05, 2024

The central tenet of fridgescaping? Even your fridge can be beautiful.
A "fridgescape" by Lynzi Judish.
Hello. We direct your attention today to this recent feature article from CNN.com, reporting what is purported to be a new fad called "fridgescaping," in which you decorate the inside of your refrigerator with framed portraiture, floral arrangements, porcelain figurines, and so forth. News sites are thirsty for such scented fluff to distract people from the day's usual politics and ordinary mayhem; one gets the impression that these stories are perhaps not checked all that strenuously to verify they are really, you know, a thing. (The impracticality of this one is adorable: In one of the fridge photos, there appears to be a single, unwrapped, congealing sliced-in-half PB&J on white bread, sandwiched forlornly among crockery, candles, and so forth.)

For Invitational Week 88: What supposed fad would be even stupider than fridgescaping, and might particularly appeal to gullible media outlets on a hunt for froth? The key is happy, lightweight so-called trends you invent. They can be about interior design, food, fashion, or any other fad-worthy behaviors. More examples:

Wigs for your fingers! A different one for each digit!
Wearing a second, nicer pair of shoes around your neck for better visibility and no sole-scuffing.
Brocaded window treatments for your car.
Bathroom chandeliers!
--

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-88.

This week's winner receives this pair of grumpy gray socks. Back in Week 79 we offered the cheerier version, but come on, how do you really feel in the morning when you're putting your socks on?


ANGSTLE SOCKS: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Animal Zingdom: The pet names of Week 86
In Invitational Week 86 we asked for some funny names for pets. We were delighted to discover that few of the entries on our shortlist were widespread online (sorry, cat named Meow Zedong, the dachshunds named Frank and Longfellow, and Fleas Navidad the Chihuahua) -- and some were even actual Googlenopes, with no other mention until now.

Third runner-up:
Beagle: Anna Shmear (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
Hamster: Shaquille O'Wheel (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Beaver: Mulva (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And the winner of the googly-eyes glasses:
Centipede: Imelda (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

At a Farm Upstate: Honorable mentions
Crab: Hans Crustacean Andersen (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Dog: G.R.R. Tolkien (Jesse Frankovich)

Pet rock: Cary Granite (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Donkey: Jote (David Muhlbaum, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

Baltimore L'Oreal: A bold and confident bird, its iconic colors blazing forth in luxuriant radiance. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, a distinguished gray)

Alaskan Malamute: Elon Mush (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Bard Owl: It struts and frets for an hour, and then is heard no more. (Jonathan Jensen)

Bat: Sonar Sotomayor (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Bear: Ursine Bolt (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Beaver: Dr. Phil McGnaw (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Boa constrictor: Julius Squeezer (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.; Michael Stein)

Boa constrictor: Nat King Coil (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Boxer mix: Jake LaMutta (Michael Stein)

Sphynx cat: Kamala Hairless (Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich)

I think I'm gonna name my cat Mandu. That's really, really what I wanna do. -- B. Seger (Jon Gearhart)

Chameleon: Hidey Klum (Jesse Frankovich)

Chicken: Yolko Ono (Stephen Dudzik)

Chihuahua: Jack the Yipper (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Chihuahua: Jose Fleasiano (Jeff Shirley)

Collie: Boutros-Boutros (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Deer: Venison Van Gogh (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Electric Eel: Buzz Eeldrin (Leif Picoult)

Emotional support dog: Calmala (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Hamster: Green Eggs Ann. (Jon Gearhart)

Llama: Mark Spits (Jeff Shirley)

Marcia the Penguin (Jon Gearhart)

Rooster: Westclox (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Sheep: Baa Baa O'Riley (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Snail: U . . .sain . . . Bo . . . lt (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.; Pam Shermeyer)

Snake: Wyatt Herp (Duncan Stevens)

Spider: Andrew Lloyd (Jesse Frankovich)

Persian cat: Le Chat of Iran (Stephen Dudzik)

Antelope: Chamois Sosa (Chris Doyle)

Maddowlark: The natural enemy of the Red-Capped Nutjob. (Jonathan Jensen)

A Xoloitzcuintli dog named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Craig Dykstra)

The headline "Animal Zingdom" is by Jesse Frankovich; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 7: our Week 87 contest to change a quote slightly and attribute it to someone else. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Duncan Stevens)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1605, Published 08/29/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 87: Get Thee to a Punnery
Change a quote slightly and credit it to someone else. Plus winning limericks.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Aug 29, 2024


Cher last September at age 77.
"A thing of beauty is a job forever." -- Cher
"It's like making candy from a baby." --Jonathan Swift
"I'm the kin of the world!" -- Adam
Hello. You get the point, right?

For Invitational Week 87: Slightly change a well-known quote or saying and attribute it to someone else, as in the examples above from the last time we did this contest, an entire decade ago (full results here); they're by Chris Doyle, Jon Gearhart, and Danielle Nowlin, respectively but not very respectfully.

Formatting this week: It's just our usual request to write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry). Boldface, italics, etc., don't transmit on the entry form, so don't bother prettying it up.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 7, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-87.

This week's winner receives a pair of Crocs. But they're an inch long and they hang from your ears. This is really the only size in which Crocs look presentable.


Warning: May clog the ears. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Hy- Fives: The hu- to hy- limericks of Week 85
In our 21th annual Limerixicon -- our contribution to the Grand Quest to create a full English dictionary whose entries are all limericks -- we asked you to create lims featuring words beginning with "hu-" through "hy-," the sliver of the dictionary that OEDILF.com has finally reached. We received hundreds and hundreds of five-liners, many of which were about "humor," not to mention the ones punning on "humerus." Most didn't live up to the words, but we chose a fine one of each below.

Gene is on the record here in The Gene Pool in support of running JD Vance couch jokes, even though the activity in question was entirely made up by some jokester; Gene contends it's okay because he contends readers know it's made up and because every late-night comedian -- who collectively earn more money monthly than Pat and Gene will make during the remainder of their pathetic lives -- thinks it's great. But Pat, that wet blanket (so to speak), doesn't agree that the falsity is so clear, and so she pulled the Pat card. But we agreed that this limerick was too well done and funny to ignore, so:

With a number of beers he was plied,
Leading Senator Vance to confide,
"Sure, I'll take a brunette
If a blonde I can't get,
But my favorite is still Naugahyde." (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

After-publication update: It occurred to us only just now that the above limerick has no words starting with hu- or hy-! The Empress now remembers that the entry had used the capitalization NaugaHyde, which isn't right (and wouldn't have counted anyway), and she blithely went ahead and fixed it without noticing the omission.

Now that we're announcing the results, feel free to submit your hu-/hy- limericks -- inking or not -- to OEDILF, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, to add to its 124,000-strong anthology.

Third runner-up:
As a flasher exposes his junk,
He believes he is truly a hunk.
But when giggling ensues
It induces the blues
And alarm that his prospects have shrunk.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
I am certain I've gotten cirrhosis,
And my lungs surely have asbestosis.
But the test results show
That both answers are "no":
Hypochondria's my diagnosis.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
At afternoon tea with his boo,
A shy gentleman asked, "Could we do
You-know-what before too long?"
She grinned, poured some oolong,
And answered him, "One hump or two?"
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the winner of the matching plushie sperm and egg key chains:
My existence is humdrum? No chance!
I'm content, so best not look askance.
I've forgone having brats,
Hunkered down with my cats,
And I'm voting against JD Vance. *-- Childless Cat Lady
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HU Else: Honorable mentions
Did you witness the pole-vaulting star
Who's among the most hung that there are?
Social media folks
Told a whole lot of jokes
All because he went into a bar.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

RFK's hypothalamus may
Hold what's left of a larva that lay
There for years and would lead
To a visceral need
For the taste of dead-bear-cub pate.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

They pretend to promote our democracy,
While they're flirting with outright autocracy.
Here's the slogan I see
For today's GOP:
"Make America safe for hypocrisy."
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A husband and wife found a phrase
To ensure that their happiness stays:
"We will not go to bed
If we're mad," they both said.
So far, they've been up for three days. (Jesse Frankovich)

To ensure the ideal humectation
You can hawk to provide salivation.
When your boyfriend is randy
But you're feeling just handy,
He'll go wild for that TikTok sensation.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Forgive me a bit while I vent
'Bout the SUV money she spent:
I'd requested a hummer --
My first of the summer --
But that's not at all what I meant.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

When your forearm you bang at its base,
Sure it's rude the doc laughs in your face
While in pain you are shrieking --
But, medically speaking,
He's right: It's a humerus case.
(Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

How come, when our fortunes have tumbled,
And hopes, dreams, and cookies have crumbled,
There's a word we don't use,
Though it's just what we choose
Every time we're on top? (Yes, it's "humbled.") (Melissa Balmain)

The hunchback from old Notre Dame
Lost his life to a bell tower bomb.
His death was quite gory:
Go read the whole story
Online at DeadRinger.com. (Craig Dykstra)

When the Great Dane goes out for a stroll,
The passersby find it quite droll,
'Cause he's needing to go,
But the hydrant's too low!
So he looks for a telephone pole.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

It's a "witch hunt"? Please, give us a break!
How much more of this crap must we take?
It's a hustle, a smear,
There's no witchiness here,
Save his preference for "burned-at-the-steak." (Mark Raffman)

In a clear case of hyperinflation,
Her new cup size was quite the sensation!
With acclaim quite befitting
(Although he was sitting)
He gave her a standing ovation. (Craig Dykstra)

This limerick needs no critiquing!
Just give it the ink that I'm seeking!
It is clearly the best
Entry EVER expressed!
(Well, at least hyperbolically speaking.)
(Jesse Frankovich)

I am colorblind, so it is true
That I cannot distinguish each hue.
This glitch with my eyes
Came as quite a surprise--
It was totally out of the orange. (Jesse Frankovich)

An unworthy trait of humanity
Is how we embolden insanity
And so idolize
A broadcaster of lies --
I'm talking 'bout you, Mister Hannity.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

They tell me that humor's subjective,
But families do share a perspective.
As Dad racks up ink,
I'm starting to think
That maybe a gene is defective.
(52-time Loser Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C., son of 172-time Loser Rob Cohen)

As a limerick writer I suck.
With weak rhyme and meter I'm stuck.
My hubris will show
'Cause my entries all blow
But I'll still shrug and say, "What the hey, I'm a paying subscriber, I should enter more often,"
(Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

And Last:
I am neither a person who flirts
With rebellion, nor someone who skirts
The instructions, but I
Cannot stop at hy-
Due to inborn avoidance: it Hz.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

The headline "Hy- Fives" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Craig Dykstra; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline "Get Thee to a Punnery," by Chris Doyle, appeared in the results of our 2014 contest.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 31: our Week 86 contest for creative names for various pets. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart; Danielle Nowlin)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart; Craig Dykstra)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:A:1605: (Connie Akers)
Add:T:1605: (Chris Doyle)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1604, Published 08/22/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 86: Call Your Dog
Give us creative names for various pets. Plus winning 'improvements' on sports.
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Aug 22, 2024

Hello. Just the other day, we woke up in the Invitational treehouse at 4 in the morning, and, with a barely coherent thought, decided: A funny name for a dog would be

Honus Wagger
Pleased with ourselves, we wrote it down, and went back to sleep. Soon, in this indistinct state of quasi-consciousness, we woke up again to realize that a funny name for a pet goat would be

Baa-baa-ber-anne
And a parrot named

The Pittsbird Pirate
And, most importantly, that a funny name for an entire breed of dog would be

The Needlenosed Buttsniffer
That's when it became obvious to us, bleary-eyed in the treehouse, that we had a brand-new, never-before debuted, contest. It occurred because it also occurred to us that "the Needlenose Buttsniffer" was an entry from Erica Magram, in an unrelated contest from 1998. We hereby urge Ms. Magram, whoever and wherever she is, to become a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool, which allows her to enter, because we need her. And you.

Okay, so.

For Invitational Week 86: Suggest a creative name for a pet -- and any kind of animal can be a pet -- as in the examples above. It can be a name for a specific pet, or a name for a breed. The field is open. You can add elaborating information if it makes your entry funnier.

Formatting this week: Start each of your entries -- up to twenty-five in all -- with the kind of animal, (e.g., "Dog:," not "A dog:") and, as usual, write each entry in a single line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of one entry. This will let us push a magic button and sort all the Dog entries together, all the Hedgehog entries, etc.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 31, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-86.

This week's winner receives the stylish eyewear modeled below by some woman whom Google Photos immediately identified correctly. Well, yeah, it's Google.


She can read a thousand limericks and her eyes don't glaze over! This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Jest a Game: Sports 'improvements' from Week 84
In Week 84, in the midst of Olympic fever, pennant races, and the like, we asked for ways to make various sports more exciting or just funnier. But even the wackiest Loser ideas are challenged to top one real-life fad, which is this vomitous thing. We would like to remind you all that while this fad takes wings -- and withers -- people are starving in Yemen.

Third runner-up:
Auto racing: When they take pit stops, drivers should have to haggle with their mechanics over the cost of replacing the tires. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Darts: Add a goalie. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Cricket: This would be brilliantly smashing if we had everyone biff a googly and duff a squiffy widdershins, what? Good show! Bob's your uncle! (Duncan Stevens)

And the winner of the Loserville sign:
Men's pole vault: Now the aim is to knock over the crossbar with your dick. (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

They Wuz Robbed: Honorable mentions
4x100 relay racers have to pass a one-pound beef jerky stick to one another and collectively consume it before the finish line. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Chess: After every move, players switch sides. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Olympic swimming: Whenever swimmers pee in the pool - and they regularly do - the water around them turns the colors of their country's flag. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

400-meter hurdles: Instead of carefully spaced hurdles, use ones that pop up randomly around the track at the last second. (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Add a dunk booth to the shot put. (Cheryl Davis, Pawleys Island, S.C.)

All boxing must be done pantsless. -- J.K. Rowling (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Make the Olympics great again by reverting to the traditional ancient Greek rules: Compete naked, award leaves instead of medals, and sacrifice the losers to Zeus. (Daniel Galef)

Make routines on the pommel horse be done on an actual horse. (Mark Morgan, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

America's Cup: Add grappling hooks and cannons for Sail Like a Pirate Day. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Raise the balance beam several feet and put a trampoline underneath it, so if the gymnasts fall, they can boing right back onto it and pretend that was the plan all along. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Baseball: All runners must literally take a short stop when running from second to third. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Baseball: Before the game, a guest of honor yells at the umpire in a ritual known as the ceremonial first bitch. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Baseball: Just put a football game on the Jumbotron. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Basketball: No more squeaking shoes! Make players wear hospital socks instead. (Pam Shermeyer)

Bobbing for apples: Replace red apples with live blue crabs. (Kevin Dopart)

Soccer players are positioned outside the pitch, using long metal rods to slide and spin life-size replicas of themselves. (Jesse Frankovich)

Chess: Electrodes are hooked to each player's brain and connected to a theremin, which plays the eerie sounds of their thought patterns. (Marni Penning Coleman)

Combine the discus and shot put into a new Olympic event, the shot putz, in which competitors whirl their unfortunate partners, the "putzes," by their legs and toss them for distance. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Competitive eating: Use foods even grosser than wet hot dogs, like live giant beetle larvae. (Kevin Dopart)

Competitive eaters must eat one and only one Lay's potato chip. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Curling: Instead of brooms, players use leaf blowers. (Neal Starkman)

Replace the baseball with a tennis ball, and all the outfielders with golden retrievers. (Sam Mertens)

To maximize time for Super Bowl commercials -- which are what millions of viewers mainly tune in for -- change the 15-minute quarters to 60 one-minute segments. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Give Olympic breaking whole new meaning by holding the competition in an antique shop. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Make hockey pucks three times as big -- those little ones are almost impossible for fans to see. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Horse racing: Races are over too fast. Change the rules to say the second horse across the finish line is the winner. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

NASCAR: To truly test their driving skills, have half of the racers drive clockwise and half counterclockwise. (Pam Shermeyer)

On track relays, the runners have to pass the baton while jumping through a hopscotch grid. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Pickleball: Release a brood of cicadas to drown out the annoying sound of the paddles. (Jesse Frankovich)

Have show jumping contested by humans dressed in those two-person horse costumes. (Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte, mountain-climbing in California)

Hockey: Put bars and a lock on the penalty box and allow players to attempt to escape before their two minutes are up. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Soccer: Get rid of those invisible stinging spiders on the field, or whatever it is that's causing players to suddenly writhe in agony for exactly five seconds and then recover. (Duncan Stevens)

Simplify the triathlon by having the competitors run through two feet of water while carrying a bicycle. (Jesse Frankovich; Leif Picoult)

Water polo: Players hit the ball with pool noodles while riding inflatable horses. (Jesse Frankovich)

100-meter dash: The athletes run on top of twenty balance beams laid end to end. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

The headline "Jest a Game" is by Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 24: our Week 85 contest to write limericks featuring words beginning hu- to hy-. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Erica Magram)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Neil Kurland)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1603, Published 08/15/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 85: Hu-boy, It's Limerixicon XXI
Write a limerick featuring a word beginning 'hu-' or 'hy-.' Plus winning translations of 'Fee-fi-fo-fump' and other sound-phrases.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 15, 2024

Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool.

Today we return to the limerick,
A word that rhymes only with pimaric,
A carbolic acid
That's chemically flaccid
Uh, limerick, limerick, limerick.

--

Okay, we admit good limericks are a challenge to write. But this next one is a gem, and it fits neatly with today's hu-, hy- contest:

Beleaguered, a lion denied
His own hunger and tried to provide
For his litter of cubs,
But they withered like scrubs,
So he quit and just swallowed his pride. (Chris Doyle)

--

Behold our yearly tribute to the indefatigable Chris Strolin and his Life's Work: his project, now in its twenty-first year, to create a Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which every meaning of every word would be represented by a limerick. The Invitational has been following OEDILF.com since its infancy in 2004, dropping by every August to send out a call for top-flight limericks beginning with whatever sliver of the alphabet that Chris and crew are up to. (Current estimated completion date: June 17, 2066; current number of limericks: 124,000-plus from more than 1,100 contributors, many of them Invitational Losers.) Now we're up to *

Invitational Week 85: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name, or term beginning with "hu-" through "hy-," as in the example above from an earlier Invite contest.

While we no longer have to worry about "family newspaper" restriction on risque limericks, we're still as strict as always about the limerick form: "perfect" rhyme; a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm within Lines 1, 2, and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Say the example above with exaggerated accents, and you'll get the hickory-thing.

For a lot more detail, you can read the Empress's primer "Get Your 'Rick Rolling." Or just absorb the classic ink from past Invites by going to the Losers' Master Contest List, searching on "limerick," and clicking on the far-right column.

Formatting this week: As with all our poetry contests, just write your limerick as it ought to look when published. Don't bother trying to boldface or italicize your hu-/hy- word, though; it won't transmit in the entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 29. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-85.

This week's winner, our top Loserbard, receives this lovely pair of lovers: matching plush sperm and egg key chains, or just doodads with little clips. We trust that if you carry both of them, you'll put them discreetly in your pocket to give them a little privacy. Courtesy of Dave Prevar, the only person we know to be a sperm and egg donor.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Noise Will Be Noise: The sound-phrases of Week 83
In Invitational Week 83, we presented a list of nonsense sounds and asked you to define them. As alluded to in some of the entries, a few of the sounds come from old songs: "Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum" starts off the Silhouettes' doo-wop classic "Get a Job"; "Gliddy glub gloopy" begins the hippy-dippy chorus of "Good Morning Starshine" from the musical "Hair."

Third runner-up:
Bang-whiz: The two steps before shower-leave. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Second runner-up:
Bong bong bong boing: The Jamaican trampoline team warms up. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy: Elon Musk's next six children. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the "In One Ear" and "Out the Other" earrings:
Bong bong bong boing: Beethoven's Fifth played on a Jew's-harp. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) (Note: In his entry, Jeff used the term "Jaw harp.")

Sonic Doom: Honorable mentions
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy
Nonsense lyric from the 2024 Olympic Opening Anthem that some misheard as "We are mocking Jesus and grooming your children." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Acceptance speech from the winner of the Spackling Paste Eating Challenge. (Frank Osen)

In 1967, "I Am the Walrus" was also released in its original walrus language. (Tom Witte)

Every order confirmation at a drive-thru. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Once the lyricists' hangovers had worn off, they listened to what they had written and considered changing the title to "Good Morning Moonshine." (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart)

When Biden gave this answer to a debate practice question, his aides should have been a bit more concerned. (Jeff Contompasis)

Trump swears this is what it said on the teleprompter and that the person responsible is "so fired." (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

Abracadada
"And for my final trick, I will magically create a father who changes the same number of diapers as the mother!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Barron's futile early efforts to make his father disappear. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"And now I will turn this urinal into a work of art, right before your eyes!" (Judy Freed; Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Maury Povich's interjection just before he reveals "You ARE the father!" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.; Jeff Contompasis)

The Great Magico spells out for his son the potential danger of a one-night stand. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Bada-bing, bada-bingo
What a mobster says when he knocks off five guys in a row. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Closing line to the song that begins, "There was a goombah had a dog..." (Kevin Dopart)

Something you hear a lot of in Italian nursing homes. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Bang-whiz
A sudden explosion that will scare the piss out of you. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The sound made by a PP gun. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound of a woman slamming down the toilet seat so she can sit down and pee. (Beverley Sharp)

What some call "water sports." (Tom Witte, hiking in the Sierra Nevadas)

Robert Oppenheimer. (Kevin Dopart)

Bong bong bong boing
Ah, there's the bellhop! (Jesse Frankovich)

Followed by "Boeing," the sound you don't want to hear during your flight. (Rob Cohen)

Fee-fi-fo-fump
Someone's taking a giant dump. (Jesse Frankovich)

What comes before "I smell the defeat of Donald Trump" at a Harris rally. (Beverley Sharp)

The Giant catches Jack in his vacuum cleaner hose. (Frank Osen)

After Jack falls off the beanstalk and before the giant roars, "I hear the thud of an Englishman." (Chris Doyle)

Oop-alley
When you catch a basketball under the net and then throw it straight up through the hoop, and then it comes back down through the hoop. It counts for four points. (Roy Ashley, Jesse Frankovich)

Code word for diarrhea, from "yella poo" spelled backwards. (Jesse Frankovich)

Pa rum pum pum rump
Me and my bum, me and my bum, me and my bum* (Jesse Frankovich)

When the neighbors couldn't take it anymore and smashed his drum, Little Boy resorted to the butt bongos. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jeff Contompasis)

Tock-tick, tock-tick
What happens if you connect a flux capacitor to a grandfather clock. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

The sound made by a retronome. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound made by one of those knockoff Rolexes they sell at flea markets. (Leif Picoult)

What you hear when you set a clock to "fall back" for winter. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum
For 75 years, the corgis and Charles vied for Queen Elizabeth's attention. (Kevin Dopart)

What was heard after the Chihuahua encountered the mastiff. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Opening lyric in Trump's new campaign song, "Get a Black Job." (Chris Doyle)

The first rule of Little Dog Fight Club is that there is no Little Dog Fight Club. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What a miserable childless dog lady hears when her "fur baby" says yip-yip-yip-yip, yip-yip-yip-yip. -- JD Vance (Karen Lambert)

Boo-hoo hooboy
Minnesota shorthand for "There's no use cryin' over spilled milk -- get a rag and wipe it up, whydontcha?" (Mark Raffman)

What owlets say to taunt younger owlets. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline "Noise Will Be Noise" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Seth Christenfeld; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 17: our Week 84 contest to make certain sports more exciting or funnier. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich; Seth Christenfeld)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1602, Published 08/08/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 84: We Got Game
Tell us some funny ways to 'improve' a sport. Plus winning rhymes for Taylor Swift lines.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 08, 2024

The pole that didn't quite vault.
Hello. Are you tired of sports, yet? Neither are we. How can we be, when right in the middle of a tight pennant race in baseball, and on the cusp of the start of football season * a major Olympics event was won by a penis? No, Frenchman Anthony Ammirati didn't win the gold in the pole vault -- he missed it by roughly, uh, seven inches. But he won The Olympics' Biggest Moment, which in this quadrennial mega-spectacle is everything. Feats, Don't Phallus Now! What a great day for The Invitational.

--

For Invitational Week 84, we ask you to humorously "improve" any sport to make it faster, more exciting, or simply somehow * better. As in:

Baseball: Require that batters' crotches be pre-scratched before they reach the plate. (Ralph Nitkin)

Luge: Lugers slide down the track on their backs as usual, but headfirst, guided only by three rear-mounted dental mirrors. (Stephen Dudzik)

Soccer: Keep adding balls until someone finally scores a goal. (Anne Clark)

The examples above are from a similar Invitational contest 12 years ago (full results here), the last time we tried a contest of this type. So what counts as a "sport?" We're going to be expansive about this, within reason: Most anything that is a contest involving some physical action. Rock, Paper, Scissors, sure. Tug of War, fine. Chess . . . fine! (the IOC has actually recognized it as a sport). Monopoly -- no; no board games. The presidential election, no. The Invitational, no.

Formatting this week: Just our standard entreaty to make each individual entry one single line (e.g., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry). Almost all of you have been getting this right!

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 22. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-84.

This week's winner gets this fine little metal magnetic sign, about the size of a switch plate, that would be especially appropriate if you had us over for brunch, just saying. Donated eons ago by 441-time Loser Nan Reiner.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Custom Tayloring: The Swift 'tailgaters' from Week 82
We asked you to take any line from a Taylor Swift song from her latest album, "The Tortured Poets Department," and add -- before it or after it -- a funny, rhyming line of your own.

The results were good. We must admit we found that Ms. Swift's lyrics do not read like poetry. They did not read like the previous models for our tailgater contests: Dylan, the Beatles, and Shakespeare. Instead, they read like this: "As I said in my letters, now that I know better / I will never lose my baby again" and "Messy top-lip kiss, how I long for our trysts." They are almost all about the soul-shattering anguish of relationships.

In judging this contest, the Czar and Empress had a near fistfight mutually respectful disagreement over one entry that rhymed "plague" with "leg." She, a Philadelphia native, considered this a perfect rhyme; he, a New York City native, felt this was not a rhyme at all. Eventually, she grudgingly caved in graciously and amicably acquiesced, in the interests of collegiality. We did not use the entry. (Meanwhile, Swift herself rhymes "plague" with "every day.")

The results: Taylor's own lines are in orange; click on them to see the full lyrics they came from.

Third runner-up:
I will never lose my baby again --
My number's on his head in Sharpie pen. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
I can fix him, no really I can --
No need to take Spot to the pricey vet-man. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
The jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud
Like "Your Mama's so uncultivated -- but she keeps getting plowed." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the toilet paper earrings:
Lights, camera, bitch, smile *
I haven't taken this cognition test in a while. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Swift Descent: Honorable mentions
And for a fortnight there, we were forever
Trying to understand team handball, or epee, or some other wacky endeavor. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

All the wine moms are still holding out
But the single cat-ladies support me, no doubt! -- K. Harris (Mark Raffman)

And I could see it from a mile away
But the Secret Service shrugged, "Looks okay." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And you deserve prison, but you won't get time
Aren't you lucky now that a president can't commit a crime? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Beauty is a beast that roars
See, I'm married to a guy who snores. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

But I felt a hole like this
Right after moving in for a kiss. -- D.J.T., 2016 (Mark Raffman)

But it's gonna be all right, I did my time,
So straight into Trump's Cabinet I'll climb. -- S. Bannon, P. Navarro, P. Manafort (Duncan Stevens)

Dear aliens who abducted me to examine my poo,
They'll say I'm nuts if I talk about the existence of you. (Jesse Frankovich)

And no, you can't come to the wedding
Since my bridegroom you've been bedding. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Another fortnight lost in America
Scrolling through TikTok's esoterica. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

I'm havin' his baby
Unless Kamala wins and appoints some new Supreme Court Justices, maybe. (Roy Ashley)

Them's the breaks, they don't come gently
When you wreck your daddy's Bentley. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

You could fix (with some new zippers or other closures)
All your indecent exposures. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

I can take the upper hand and touch your body
'Cause when you're a star, they let you be naughty. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

But you awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head.
I kept telling you, "Fred! Try some plywood instead!" (Duncan Stevens)

If you want to tear my world apart, just say you've always wondered:
When God created Chinese cresteds, could it be He blundered? (Pam Shermeyer)

I know he's crazy but he's the one I want
I don't care that he thinks he's a buttered croissant. (Frank Osen)

Just say,'"I loved you the way that you were";
There's really no need to disinter... (Beverley Sharp)

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts --
I miss how your spit trickled down to my wrists. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

My husband is cheating, I wanna kill him --
Or maybe just hire a lawyer and bill him. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

My husband is cheating, I wanna kill him --
I'll just ask my lover where to landfill him. (Pam Shermeyer)

My spine split from carrying us up the hill.
Next time, go fetch your own water, Jill! (Jonathan Jensen)

You crashed my party and your rental car
And I hope that it Hertz you wherever you are. (Mark Raffman)

You said some things that I can't unabsorb
That were cheugy, delulu, and totes unadorb. (Frank Osen)

"There's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles"
Is a grammatical construction that would give teachers piles (Frank Osen)

Listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning --
Taylor may be gorgeous, but her lyrics have me groaning. (Rob Cohen)

You're no Dylan Thomas. I'm no Patti Smith.
Does AI write my poetry? I'll have to take the Fifth. (Marshall Begel, Madison, Wis.)

The scandal was contained, the bullet had just grazed.
If someone doesn't use this lyric line, I'll be amazed. (Jonathan Jensen) [Indeed, we got several couplets that included this line; they were less than sympathetic to the grazee.]

And Last: "Out, out, out, out, out, out!
"What rot!" the Czar and Empress shout. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Custom Tayloring" is by Chris Doyle; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 10: our Week 83 contest to explain what various sound-phrases mean, including "Tock-tick, Tock-tick" and "Fee-fi-fo-fump." Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Ralph Nitkin; Stephen Dudzik; Anne Clark)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Dave Prevar)
Prize: (Nan Reiner)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1601, Published 08/01/2024
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The Invitational Week 83: Stop, Hey, What's That Sound?
Tell us what these noise-words mean. Plus our caption contest winners.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 01, 2024

Duncan Stevens's winning caption for Invitational Week 81. See more winners for this and five other pictures in this week's results below.
Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool, friends. Lend us your ears:

Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum
Abracadada
Bong bong bong boing
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy
Boo-hoo hooboy
Tock-tick, Tock-tick
Fee-fi-fo-fump
Bang-whiz
Pa rum pum pum rump
Oop-alley
Bada-bing, bada-bingo

For Invitational Week 83, we want you to make sense out of any, some, or all of the above sound effects. Possibly for good reason, we have done this contest only once before, 28 years ago. Never did it again. We think it merely coincidence that this was also the first contest that entailed, between Pat and Gene, a very testy drag-out fight respectful disagreement over the suitability of one entry, which Gene felt was just splendid and Pat felt was monstrous. We can reveal it now in The Gene Pool: The sound was "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop," and the Loser's translation was "Two toddlers find the Drano under the kitchen sink." We did not run that entry in the results 28 years ago, and Pat has decided we have amicably agreed that the sound will not be used as a clue again.

Among the results that did get ink in 1996 (full list here):

What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? The nuns always used a metal-tipped ruler to enforce "I before E." (Jennifer Hart)

What is "Fa la la la la la la THUD"? Decking the halls beyond their structural integrity. (John Kammer)

What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? T.S. Eliot's original explanation of how the world ended. (Art Grinath)

Formatting this week: Please begin each entry with the sound name you're defining, so we can sort all the entries by category. (Don't start them with "What is" as above.) Make each entry one single line, as in the examples above; if your sound isn't on the same line as your definition, we'll be totally lost, and you will have totally lost.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 15. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-83.

This week's winner gets these luxurious earrings. You may follow their directions however you interpret them, except that you should not put either of them in the ear canal. Stay with the lobe.

What did you say this week's prize was again?
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Art of Snarkness: Winning captions from Week 81
In Invitational Week 81 we presented a series of pictures and invited you to send us as many as 25 captions for them. The winner and three runners-up appear in boldface under the respective pictures.


Feeling conspicuous, Ed regrets having left his jacket at home. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

As they say, Cheetos never win. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Dan wondered how well the witness protection program was really concealing his identity. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

He was a chemist with a Nobel Prize, but he knew even before it was his turn at the mic that he could not compete for the hearts of voters with Baked Beans Man. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Corporate policy was to be respectful of people who still chose to wear masks, and Doug was going to make the most of it. (Sam Mertens)

Despite his issue with the flambe, Bob was happy with his third-place finish in the annual company cook-off. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

"Arthur J. Smith, Sensible Party, 30,612. Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty, Silly Party, 33,108." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

--


First runner-up: The Mr. and Mrs. Human Head set was missing a few pieces, much to the dismay of its owner, Timmy Potato. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Third runner-up: (To "If I Only Had a Brain")
It seems we weren't the smartest
To choose the cheapest artist -
Our portrait's a disgrace.
I don't like the V-neck sweater
But it could have been much better
If we only had a face. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

At couples therapy, Joan and especially Bob had been advised to be more self-effacing. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

It's Prosopagnosia Awareness Month. (Jeff Contompasis)

You know how some couples finish each other's sentences? That just never happens with Blanca and Greg. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

A little-known fact about the mannequin species is that it's the male who carries a fetus to term. (Sam Mertens)

He wanted to kiss her, but he just didn't have what it takes. (Jeff Contompasis)

The Blancos were a veritable power couple at the casinos, but it wasn't long before they were no longer allowed at the poker tables. (Sam Mertens)

Once again, the contest for the best Star Trek costume came down to a face-off. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And then the cartoonist suddenly drew a blank . . . (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Judy Freed)

Hotbottom and Superstud had memorable names, but utterly forgettable faces. (Beverley Sharp)

--


Second runner-up: "Get it? 'Cause our faces are long!" (Steve Geist)

"Did you hear what that human's-ass said at the Republican convention?" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"Laugh, Misty, but I swear that woman with the brush is grooming us." (Frank Osen)

"And then I says to him, 'Screw you and the man who rode in on you!'" (Jon Gearhart)

"So I waited until they had that little brat all saddled up, and then I dropped and rolled on my back and that's why I don't have to do pony rides anymore." (Sam Mertens)

"Are those Invitational weirdos trying to make us mate again? I keep telling them we're both males!" (Duncan Stevens)

--


The Uvula ID scanner on the iPhone never took off. (Marc Leibert, Travis AFB, Calif.)

Siri was getting on in years and was now a little hard of hearing. (Duncan Stevens)

Representative! REP-RE-SEN-TA-TIVE!!! (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jon Gearhart)

Randy decided to record "Nessun Dorma" as his voice mail greeting. (Tom Witte)


The winner of Farts: A Spotter's Guide:
Justice Alito's law clerks thought the flag on the family's house looked just fine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

This image is obviously AI-generated: Look at the feet growing out of their heads, and chains growing from their arms! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

On his LDS mission, Brigham found it easy to hook up with other swingers. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

The G-rated version of "Fifty Shades of Grey" turned out not to have much of an audience. (Mark Raffman)

The American Red Cross notes that it's easy to stop a nosebleed while at the park. (Kevin Dopart)


A recently discovered photo of a young JD Vance and his girlfriend casts further doubt on his "hillbilly" status. (Duncan Stevens)

"'Tis not thee, 'tis me."(Jesse Frankovich)

"Wouldst thou wish to Byron and chill?" (Kevin Dopart)

He found his soul mate when he saw her soul patch. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

"If you would only listen to the science, milady, you would know that one cannot become with child under a crescent moon." (Tom Witte)

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, milady, but you see, I'm one of Robin Hood's "merry" men. (Tom Witte)

"Yes, that's where I hanged my last wife." (Mark L. Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

The headline "Art of Snarkness" is by Chris Doyle.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 3: our Week 82 contest to choose a line from Taylor Swift's latest album (we have the lyrics for you) and pair it with your own rhyming line. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jennifer Hart; Art Grinath; John Kammer )
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1600, Published 07/25/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 82: Taylorgaters
Take a line from a 'Tortured Poets' lyric and rhyme it with one of your own. Plus winning list-linkers.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 25, 2024

Now I'm running with my dress unbuttoned,
At Olive Garden I should not have gluttoned.
--
I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic
These lines I write will gross a ton, but man, they ain't poetic.

Hello. Today's contest was occasioned by an email we got from a Millennial named Jesse Rifkin, who oh so politely suggested that we might want to consider -- you, know, just throwing it out there -- running a "tailgater" contest that does not betray the fact that, combined, the Czar and Empress are 137 years old. Something with Taylor Swift, perhaps. Mr. Rifkin is 32, two years younger than Ms. Swift, and he dryly pointed out that our previous such contests were on lyrics from the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Shakespeare.

Okay, punk, you want new? We got new.

For Invitational Week 82: Choose any line from any of the 31 songs in Taylor Swift's new, unbelievably popular album "The Tortured Poets Department" (see below how to find the lyrics) and add a rhyming line to it -- either atop it or after it -- for comedic effect, as in our two examples above. (They're from "But Daddy I Love Him" and "Fortnight," respectively.) Even if Tay-Tay didn't rhyme the line in her own song, you must. Your couplet doesn't have to be singable to the original tune, though.

A generous Swifty who goes by the name mountaingoatscheese on Reddit shared a link to a homemade compilation of Taylor lyrics dating back to 2006; Click here for the lyrics of the "Tortured Poets" songs -- fourteen of which occupied the top fourteen slots on the Billboard Hot 100 a couple of months ago (ignore the links on that page to all the older material). Pleeeeeze tell us the title of the song your line comes from.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-82. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Formatting: Please write each couplet as a single line divided with a slash, rather than on two separate lines; we'll restore them to proper couplet-hood on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 3, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 8.

This week's winner gets a truly adorable pair of dainty earrings in a classy toilet paper motif. They're so convenient, too: Say your pet cockroach feels the call of nature right now -- just pull one of these babies off your lobe and wipe him up. And most important of all: You can hang them with the edge of the toilet paper on either side!


Aren't they the most charmin little earrings? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


Ink-Comparable Humor: Like/unlike winners from Week 80
In Invitational Week 80, we once again posted a list of 17 random noun phrases -- "an outie bellybutton," "cargo shorts" etc. -- and asked how any two of them were similar or different. A lot of you, as we did, took "6-3" to mean the right/left divide of the current Supreme Court -- and the tally of so many of its decisions -- but others saw it equally validly as a work shift, someone's height, or a sports score. Alert: The results are unusually risque, even for us; it was the option of "The Hawk Tuah Girl" that is responsible.

Third runner-up:
Commander Biden pisses on the White House;
The Alitos' flagpole pisses off the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Second runner-up:
Commander Biden and the Hawk Tuah Girl: One bites and the other sucks. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
A mask you still have from 2020: A pandemic reminder.
6-3: A Dem panic reminder. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of Dave Prevar's kidney:
The Alitos' flagpole: "Stop the steal!"
6-3: The steal. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Lack-alikes: Honorable mentions
Steve Bannon's cellmate vs. a Chat GPT love letter: One's with a guy who loves deep fakes; the other's from a guy who fakes deep love. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

A tube of Crest vs. Steve Bannon's cellmate: Only the cellmate is likely to be found in the vicinity of Steve Bannon. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

An outie bellybutton reflects your connection to your mother. Rizz reflects my connection to your mama. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Hawk Tuah Girl: Oh, feel gal spit a lot! The Alitos' flagpole: An anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

A ChatGPT love letter and the Hawk Tuah Girl both involve spitting out something that isn't exactly romantic. (Jesse Frankovich)

A mask you still have from 2020 and the Hawk Tuah Girl: You might come upon either one in the back seat of your car. (Jesse Frankovich)

6-3: Someone's working and getting out early. Steve Bannon's cellmate: Someone working on getting out early. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A runny nose and that one ear hair that keeps growing back: They both became the least of Marie Antoinette's problems. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A mask you still have from 2020: Now it's not on your face. A runny nose: Now it's snot on your face. (Jesse Frankovich)

A tube of Crest and 6-3: Both are apt to make things a whole lot whiter. (Mark Raffman; Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) *

6-3 vs. rizz: Money can't buy you rizz. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

A runny nose and the Hawk Tuah Girl: The runny nose might come in handy on occasions when her mouth is dry. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A tube of Crest and A Chat GPT love letter: Both contain artificial sweeteners. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A tube of Crest and Commander Biden: Foaming at the mouth is acceptable from only one of these. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A tube of Crest gives people fresh breath. People give Commander Biden flesh breath. (Chris Doyle)

Cargo shorts: They keep your junk handy. The Hawk Tuah Girl: Is handy with your junk. (Jonathan Jensen)

6-3: An undesirable hearing outcome. That one ear hair that keeps growing back: An undesirable earring outcome. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Commander Biden vs. the Hawk Tuah Girl: Vicious vs. viscous. (Tom Witte; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Shrinkflation vs. the Hawk Tuah girl: Only with the first does your package get smaller. (Mike Gips; Steve Smith)

The Alitos' flagpole vs. Earth's molten core: With the core, you know you can't go any lower. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

The Alitos' flagpole and a runny nose: With either one, people might be disgusted by what's hanging there. (Judy Freed)

You know who'd be great as Steve Bannon's cellmate? Commander Biden. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline "Ink-Comparable Humor" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, July 27: our Week 81 caption contest -- choose from seven images. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jesse Rifkin)
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1599, Published 07/18/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 81: Picture This
It's our caption contest. Plus winning alt-ideas for Independence Day.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 18, 2024

Hello. We'll get right into it.

For Invitational Week 81: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the seven pictures above and below. For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol' entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 61 and the results of Week 49 to see what we like in a caption. (More info below the set of pictures.)


Formatting this week: Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in A. [your caption] -- and keep each caption to a single line; i.e., don't press Enter in the middle of a single entry. If you're submitting multiple entries (might as well!), be sure to begin every caption with the letter on the picture.

Deadline is Saturday, July 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 1. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-81.

This week's winner gets the handy reference volume Farts: A Spotter's Guide, a board book meticulously describing such species as the Seismic Blast, the One That Got Away, and the Flight of the Buttock Bees. Complete with a sound box purportedly re-creating the various buttular pronouncements -- even the Silent but Deadly. Donated three years ago by Pie Snelson and declined by a previous winner who didn't think his kids needed this on the family bookshelf.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


Sillying Fourth: Independence Day ideas from Week 79
In Invitational Week 79, which we introduced on July 4, we asked you to come up with alternative ways to celebrate Independence Day.

Third runner-up:
Celebrate the delicacies of the Colonial table by setting out a buffet of eel soup, roasted beaver tail, boiled pigeons, and calf's-foot jelly. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
Sacrifice a cherry tree from the Tidal Basin. Lie about who did it. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up:
Teams with shovels dig up and rotate the skeletons of the Founders in an annual Rolling in Their Graves event. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the happy socks:
Doomscroll the internet, hate-watch some TV, and then relax with a rage-walk. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)


So Proudly We Failed: Honorable mentions
Sell deep-fried copies of the Constitution on a stick. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Celebrate the new national mascot: the combover eagle. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Honor the American spirit of excess by eating 7/4 as much as you usually do. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Shut down social media and cellphones on July 4. All communications must be either in person, via scrolls, or by town crier. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Cities replace dangerous fireworks displays with environmentally safe high-frequency signals that are entirely invisible but equally effective at terrorizing dogs. (Frank Osen)

If you're in Texas, pay homage to your regional cuisine by putting out tamales and tacos, separated from the hot dogs and hamburgers by a miniature wall. (Jonathan Jensen)

On the Fourth, Americans can celebrate freedom by driving without seatbelts, parking on the sidewalks, smoking wherever they please, eating monkey meat, leaving their dogs' poop in the street . . . (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A skywriting contest in which pilots compete to make the biggest, clearest John Hancock signature. (Jon Ketzner)

Since six of them vow always to think just as the Founders did, the Supreme Court justices must wear powdered wigs all day. (Jon Ketzner)

Let's celebrate the Second Amendment by holding Revolutionary War reenactments using modern weaponry. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Everyone trades in their semiautomatics for muskets. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

First recall that many of the Founders owned slaves. Then yell at yourself for disrespecting their legacy and call yourself the "woke mob." Then devolve into a vicious internal flame war that leaves you far sadder but no wiser. (Duncan Stevens)

Fly flags with an inverted image of the Supreme Court. (Mark L. Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

In a symbolic act of protest, drop an Earl Grey tea bag in the Mall's Reflecting Pool. (Chris Doyle)

Just cut to the chase: Skip the purchasing and preparation of fireworks, and instead amputate multiple fingers in a nice sterile environment. (Duncan Stevens)

Use your phone to take a picture of your butt crack, then send it to friends and family with the caption "My Liberty Bell." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Three words: Bald eagle burgers. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.; Sam Mertens)

The headline "Sillying Fourth" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, July 20: our Week 80 contest to say how any two items on our random list are alike or different. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Pie Snelson)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1598, Published 07/11/2024
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The Invitational Week 80: Same Difference
We give you a random list of things, and you tell us how any two are alike or different. Plus for tl;dr types, history as two rhyming lines.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 11, 2024

Cargo shorts are like an ear hair how? Tell us in this week's Invitational contest. (temu.com)
Hello. It's another lovely day out on the links -- as we return to one of our favorite contest tropes, one we've used many times with uniformly gonzo results. It's the beloved Compare & Contrast (or otherwise link) two items on a wacky random list. Here's this year's list, followed by a couple of examples.

The Alitos' flagpole

Steve Bannon's cellmate

That one ear hair that keeps growing back

Rizz

Shrinkflation

A Chat GPT love letter

A tube of Crest

Pickleball

Left-handed scissors

A mask you still have from 2020

A runny nose

6-3

An outie bellybutton

Cargo shorts

Commander Biden

Earth's molten core

The Hawk Tuah Girl

A tube of Crest vs. shrinkflation: The second one puts the squeeze on you.

Cargo shorts are like a runny nose: They both tend to fill up with gunk that makes their possessor even worse to look at.

For Invitational Week 80: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the examples above. We selected most of the items from a multitude of random noun phrases offered up last week by the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. See last year's results here.

Deadline is Saturday, July 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 25. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-80.

There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she's choosing from any one person.

This week's winner gets a special something donated by Dave Prevar. Dave, it was noted last Sunday at the Loser Community's annual awards "banquet," the Flushies, has donated more than 125 Invitational prizes over the years. Not so coincidentally, Dave is only 30-some blots of ink away from the 500 lifetime inks (including prize donations) that get you into the Losers' own Invite Hall of Fame to enjoy its attendant benefits (none). And so this week Dave is going above and beyond: He is donating a kidney.


This week's prize: Dave Prevar's kidney.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Metrical History Tour: The couplets of Week 78
In Invitational Week 78 we asked you to sum up a historic event in two rhyming lines.

Third runner-up:
1876: That dandy Custer looked his best, succumbing in the dirt
At Little Bighorn, where he wore his brand-new Arrow shirt. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
1776: "Unalienable rights," yadda yadda yadda *
Except for the slaves, who have nada, nada, nada. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
1960: A spy plane's shot down; it's a major snafu.
Says Nikita to Ike, "We've been watching U-2." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the toilet-plunger earrings:
1776: The LAW is king, wrote Thomas Paine -- it caused a great commotion.
Thank God our wise, enlightened Court struck down that foolish notion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the four winners above is the best?
3rd runner-up: Custer arrow shirt
2nd runner-up: Nada, nada, nada
1st runner-up: Watching U-2
The winner: The law is the king
248 VOTES . 10 HOURS REMAINING
As always, if you feel none of those is the best among today's inking entries, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

The Dustbin of History: Honorable mentions
44 B.C.E.: Caesar deemed himself anointed.
His friends' response was rather . . . pointed. (Marshall Begel, Madison, Wis., a First Offender)

200 B.C.E.-1644: For two thousand years China built a Great Wall;
Still waiting for Mongols to pay for it all. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

1066: Some Vikings first learned French, then conquered Britain,
Which explains the crazy way English is written. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

1184: King Henry's church assembly was, they all agreed, a hit
Until the floor crashed through a cesspool, drowning them in shit. (Frank Osen)

1212: The Children's Crusade got to Genoa, Italy.
When the sea didn't part, it amounted to diddly. (Chris Doyle)

1271-95: Marco Polo journeys, sees Far Eastern rule,
Returning with tales and a game for the pool. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

1535: When Thomas More an oath would not profess,
King Henry's headsman made him Thomas Less. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

1536: We know Henry and Anne had their problems in bed:
Only once, and belatedly, Anne gave good head. (Kevin Dopart)

1620: The Mayflower docked at Plymouth Rock, one journal makes it clear,
Because the Pilgrims had drunk up the ship's supply of beer. (Frank Osen)

1773: They dumped plain tea, no bubble mocha,
A harbor free of tapioca. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

1726: Gulliver's Travels told tales of a sailor--
Best work by a Swift till the era of Taylor. (Jesse Frankovich)

1775: He rode much farther than did Paul Revere, so what's with his dismissal?
Longfellow couldn't scan the line "The Midnight Ride of Israel Bissell." (Frank Osen)

1776: King George III was not the sort of royalty
To inspire loyalty. (Frank Osen)

1776: We declared independence the fourth of July
In the year MDCCLXXVI. (Jesse Frankovich)

1784: To save this Venezuelan Lenten dish
The Pope said capybaras can be fish. (Kevin Dopart)

1788: In the Battle of Karansebes, although it sounds barmy,
The Austrian army fought against the, um, Austrian army. (Frank Osen)

1860-61: The Pony Express sped the mail to tough spots,
Then was quickly replaced by some dashes and dots. (Kevin Dopart)

1861: It's the death of Prince Albert, Queen Victoria's man,
It's not clear if his body's interred in a can. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

1863: "Fourscore and seven years ago," Abe Lincoln had begun.
And by the time they did the math, the entire speech was done. (Jonathan Jensen)

1883: The erupting Krakatoa
Meant the island was no moa. (Kevin Dopart)

1903: They planned out a canal through which the cargo ships would roam,
Which meant (much more importantly) a nifty palindrome. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

1903: They first took off at Kitty Hawk and then just kept on going;
The brothers would be crushed to see what's happening at Boeing. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

1911: He went over Niagara and lived to tell all:
Bobby Leach met his end from an orange peel fall. (Kevin Dopart)

1915: Antarctica is beautiful, with penguins, whales, and ice;
But when you're stuck without a ship, it's really not so nice. (Beverley Sharp)

1919: In terms of social progress, Prohibition wasn't fruitful.
Who hit on such a dumb idea? They must have had a snootful. (Jonathan Jensen)

1921: As tipsy Winston Churchill mapped the new Jordanian nation
He hiccupped, and its border got a giant indentation. (Frank Osen)

1953: Edmund Hillary was the first to scale that Everest mount
(That is, as long as all the local Sherpa guys don't count.) (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

1960: Psycho comes out, and a lot of gals sour
On the need in motels to get into the shower. (Chris Doyle)

1989: When the Exxon Valdez spilled its load in the water,
We learned that it's bad to mix oil and otter. (Jesse Frankovich)

2008: The government showed: when the stock market tanks
The people can suck it, but let's save the banks! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2021: Some folks were bummed: Trump never got a chance to put his fence up,
And so they built the next best thing: a place to hang Mike Pence up. (Duncan Stevens)

The Early Times: Noah took 'em all; he did not judge, he spoke no vetoes.
But damn it, did he absolutely have to save mosquitoes? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The headline "Metrical History Tour" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and William Kennard both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, July 13: our Week 79 contest to suggest alternative ways to celebrate Independence Day. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1597, Published 07/04/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 79: The Farce of July
Give us new ways to celebrate Independence Day. Plus memorable 'Barney & Clyde' strips about dementia, penned by the Losers.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
JUL 04, 2024

Panel 1: Cynthia: Whatcha doing, Grandpa?
Panel 2: Grandpa: Getting ready for the big debate. I'm running for
President, you know.
Panel 3: Cynthia: Don't you think your "condition" might be a problem?
Panel 4: Grandpa: I thought it was a prerequisite.

This week's winning strip, by Mark Raffman. See the rest of the winners of Week 77 below.
Hello. Today's new contest is based on * today! Independence Day! We at The Official Invitational Treehouse have been bothered by neighborhood fireworks in the last few days, but not as much as our dog and the other neighborhood dogs, who are even more bothered, making their displeasure known via shrieking, making our displeasure worse. It occurs to us that there has to be a better way to celebrate the Fourth than setting off explosive devices, amputating fingers, etc. Which leads to today's contest. What are some better ways to appropriately celebrate the Fourth in the future?

Such as:

-- The annual burning of the British Embassy.

-- Eat a meal of at least 8,000 calories, including a bacon cheeseburger with fries and whipped cream, while chanting "USA USA!" Alternatively, consume a bald eagle. Same chant.

-- Conserve your use of electricity by flying a kite, with a key attached, in a thunderstorm.

-- Play the "1812" Overture, but instead of celebrating Napoleon's defeat, you pay homage to the new U.S. Emperor.

For Invitational Week 79: Give us a new, updated, colorful way to celebrate Independence Day, as in the examples above. You can be very succinct, or you can talk about your idea more fully, as long as it's fun to read.

Deadline is Saturday, July 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 18. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: As usual, if you're submitting more than one entry, please write each entry as a single line (i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of the entry).

This week's winner gets some happy socks. Even if it's hard to smile these days, your ankles can.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Alz Stars: 'Barney & Clyde' scripts on memory loss
Here are the results of Results of Week 77, in which we asked you to come up with scripts for Gene's "Barney & Clyde" comic strip, centered on a key storyline involving Cynthia Pillsbury and her grandpa Ebenezer, her best friend, who is entering the early stages of dementia. Cynthia is the only family member who knows of his problem, and has taken steps to disguise it from others. They are a team.

This was a controversial contest. Some longtime, highly skilled Losers did not participate because they were reluctant to make jokes about dementia. Understandable. But many of the submitted entries were remarkably good, finding humor in unexpected and unexplored areas, particularly beauty. This week's winner, by Mark Raffman of Reston, Va., appears at the top of this Gene Pool; it's amazingly timely and astute and scary as hell. Mark wins a signed print of his strip.

The illustrations are by the great David Clark, the regular "Barney & Clyde" artist and co-creator, who turned these strips out in record time. (Such record time -- literally minutes -- that we are wondering if we overpay him.)

First runner-up, by Marc Leibert, Travis Air Force Base, Calif.:
Panel 1: Grandpa: It just hit me, I've got a FREE PASS!
Cynthia: What do you mean?
Panel 2: Grandpa: My dementia gives me an excuse for any societal error. I
get off scot free!
Panel 3: Grandpa: No pants? I thought I was home! Caught shoplifting, I was
confused! If only I could remember where I put my checkbook...
Panel 4: Cynthia: I shredded it.
Grandpa: Oh, good.
Cynthia: I got your back, Grandpa.


Second runner-up, by Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.:
Panel 1: Cynthia: Grandpa, uh, what are you eating?
Grandpa: An egg.
Panel 2: Cynthia: I see that, but it's not cooked
Panel 3: Cynthia: You might get sick if you eat it raw. Let me fry it for you.
Grandpa: Okay.
Panel 4: Cynthia: Now, isn't it tastier?
Grandpa: Sure is. Wish you had been here when I ate the chicken.


Third runner-up, by Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.:
Panel 1: Grandpa: I got all dressed up, and I don't remember why.
Cynthia: We're going to a funeral.
Panel 2: Grandpa: Right, of course, It's old, whasizname's funeral, right?
Panel 3: Grandpa: It's probably mine, isn't it?
Panel 4: Cynthia: Don't be silly. That'll be strictly come-as-you-are.
Grandpa: Good.


We Almost Forgot These: Honorable mentions
Panel 1: Grandpa: I found my comb in the dish cabinet.
Panel 2: Cynthia: Your socks were in the office desk drawer.
Panel 3: [They look at each other, suppressing a laugh.]
Panel 4: [Both smiling] Grandpa: Old age is hilarious -- I just wish I remembered it more.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

--

Panel 1: Cynthia: The doctor told me to take away your car keys.
Grandpa: Tell him to get his own car.
Panel 2: Cynthia: No, Grandpa. It's just * he says it's not safe for you to drive.
[Grandpa stares into the middle distance.]
Panel 3: Grandpa: Well, I guess you can drive me places now.
Cynthia: Grandpa, I'm 11 years old.
Panel 4: Grandpa: In my day, that was old enough to drink, work, and drive.
Cynthia: Let me guess--and you did all three in a snowstorm.
(Leif Picoult)

--

Panel 1: Cynthia: Grandpa, it's time for your medicine.
Grandpa: What's it for?
Panel 2: Cynthia: The doctor says it slows memory loss.
Grandpa: Some things I'd rather forget.
Panel 3: Cynthia: Like what?
Grandpa: Like the time a cop caught your grandma and me buck naked in the back of a Chevy.
Panel 4: Cynthia: Now I want to forget that, too.
(Leif Picoult)

Panel 1: Cynthia: Grandpa, I've heard that older people sometimes remember long-ago stuff but not recent stuff.
Grandpa: True. I can't remember what I had for dinner today.
Panel 2: Cynthia: That might be because it's not dinnertime yet.
Grandpa: Ah, that could explain it.
Panel 3: Grandpa: Well, I can't remember what I had for lunch.
Cynthia: Grandpa, we haven't had lunch yet either.
Grandpa: You got me again.
Panel 4: Grandpa: Anyway, to your point, I do clearly remember the Cuban Missile Crisis.
(Leif Picoult)

--

Panel 1: Grandpa: How much do you get from the tooth fairy when you lose a tooth? Panel 2: Cynthia: I've lost all my baby teeth by now, but it varied.
Panel 3: [Silence.]
Panel 4: Grandpa: So you don't know how much an upper denture plate is worth? Cynthia: Let's check the bathroom sink first.
(Sam Mertens)

--

Panel 1: Grandpa: You probably never had a chance to watch old broadcast TV.
Panel 2: Grandpa: Back then, the TV had tubes in it. The picture could get fuzzy and sometimes it was hard to follow.
Panel 3: Cynthia: But you watched anyway, and still enjoyed it.
Panel 4: Grandpa: Sometimes I feel like one of those channels.
Cynthia: I receive you just fine, Grandpa.
(Sam Mertens)

Panel 1: Grandpa: I don't drive anymore. I used to love it.
Panel 2: Grandpa: There's nothing like cruising in first, then shifting to neutral at the light, then straight to second for a quick start.
Panel 3: [Grandpa smiles nostalgically. Cynthia eyes him skeptically.]
Panel 4: Cynthia: You never actually drove a stick-shift, did you?
Grandpa: Hm. I guess not.
(Sam Mertens)

--

Panel 1: [Ebenezer and Cynthia sit in a medical exam room. A doctor shows him a photo of an apple.] Doctor: Now this part of the cognitive test is based on familiar image recognition. What's this?
Ebenezer: Banana.
Panel 2: [Doctor and Cynthia look concerned; he shows a second image, a horse] Doctor: And this?
Ebenezer: Banana.
Panel 3: [Doctor, extremely worried, shows a bicycle.] Doctor: And, and this?
Ebenezer: Orange.
[Cynthia's expression has changed to a sly smile.]
Panel 4: Ebenezer: Why the worried look, doctor?
Doctor: Mr. Pillsbury, your responses are extremely *
Ebenezer: But orange you glad I didn't say "banana" again?
(Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

--

Panel 1: Cynthia, eyeing Ebenezer's laptop: You buying a ticket?
Grandpa: Yep. Going to Paris. Wanna go while I can still remember it.
Panel 2: Cynthia: Can I join you?
Grandpa: Sure, kiddo.
Panel 3: Cynthia: There's just one thing.
Grandpa: Yeah?
Panel 4: Cynthia, looking at the screen: I don't think Greyhound goes to France.
(Leif Picoult)

Panel 1: Grandpa: Promise you won't give my boxes to the FBI.
Panel 2: Cynthia: What boxes?
Grandpa: The ones in the bathroom.
Panel 3: Cynthia: Why would the FBI want your old National Geographics?
Grandpa: I can't tell you. National security.
Panel 4: Cynthia: You have to stop watching Fox News.
(Mark Raffman)

Panel 1: Grandpa to Cynthia: How do people remember things?
Panel 2: Cynthia: Sometimes they write stuff down--you know, make a list.
Panel 3: [Grandpa stares at Cynthia.]
Panel 4: Grandpa: How do people remember where they put their list?
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

--

Panel 1: [Cynthia and Grandpa are in the panel, with Satan halfway in from the side]
Satan: Say, gramps, how about you sell your soul to me and I'll cure your dementia?Panel 2: Cynthia: No, Grandpa, don't do it!
Satan: Don't listen to her!
Grandpa: Can I ask a question?
Panel 3: Grandpa: If today I lack legal capacity to enter into a contract, can I void the sale when my capacity is restored?
Panel 4: Satan (turning away): Never mind.
(Mark Raffman)

--

Panel 1: [Grandpa is eating a sandwich. Cynthia looks at him inquisitively.]
Cynthia: If a genie let you wish to change any one thing in the world, what would it be?
Panel 2: [Grandpa has stopped eating, looks at her.]
Cynthia: I don't mean like world peace. I mean something small, maybe not even something anybody would notice right away.
Panel 3: [Grandpa begins to return to his sandwich.]
Grandpa: I'd make all the twist ties on loaves of bread from the store go the same way.
Panel 4: Cynthia: Really? You answered that fast. How long has this been bugging you?
Grandpa: Since I started trying to open this lunch meat bag a half-hour ago before I gave up and just ripped it open.
(Sam Mertens)

--

The headline "Alz Stars" is by Roy Ashley; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, July 6: our Week 78 contest to sum up a historical event in a rhyming couplet. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Roy Ashley)
Subhead: (Dave Prevar)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1596, Published 06/27/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 78: History for the tl;dr Crowd
Sum up an event for the 21st-century reader in a rhyming couplet. Plus our winning 'good/bad/ugly' progressions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 27, 2024

Hello. We were going to muse wistfully for a spell about how today's readers no longer value the craft of a well-constructed essay, its argument furthered by each paragraph expertly building upon the previous one.

But we aren't. Because, we're told, you don't have time for such things, semicolons and transitions and supporting arguments and other such eye-glazers.

Just tell what you're getting at, okay? Preferably with bullet points.

For Invitational Week 78: Summarize any event from history into two rhyming lines, as in these examples from ancient Invites, transcribed from the cuneiform (full results here and here):

480 B.C.: If King Xerxes and friends had invaded Greece properly,
That unpleasantness could have been skipped at Thermopylae. (Mark
Eckenwiler)

1888: The mind of Jack the Ripper warps: his
Madness leaves a spree de corpses. (Chris Doyle)

1776: Though Jefferson professed all men are equal at creation,
The only way he showed it was covert miscegenation. (Steve Fahey)

Deadline is Saturday, July 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 11. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-78.

Formatting this week: Though we'll present the inking entries as nice couplets, please write your couplet as one long line, with a slash where the lines should break. Put the year of the event at the beginning of the line. Here's how we'd like to receive your entry (this one is by Russell Beland, the winner of the 2004 contest):

1925: Even though it's John T. Scopes whom they were really tryin',/ Darrow made a monkey out of William Jennings Bryan.

This week's winner gets toilet plungers that hang from your ears. Who knows when you might be out and about and encounter a stopped-up dollhouse toilet -- or two -- and you can save the day?

1 pair funny creative toilet plunger dangle earrings, prank gift for girls, bathroom style novel jewelry red 0
Not recommended for earwax extraction: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Wait -- It Gets Worse! The 'good/bad/ugly' of Week 76
In Invitational Week 76 we invited you to tell us jokes in the classic good-news/bad-news form, but with even badder, ugly news added. In judging, the judges exerted some prejudice: This entry by Kevin Dopart, for example, was was eliminated with Czarist prejudice: Good: Kiss cam. Bad: Nanny cam. Ugly: Toilet cam. It was eliminated because "kiss cam" is not "good." It is a revolting intrusion on privacy, and a tyranny of yahoo crowds braying for strangers to kiss. It's as disgusting as the idiotic practice at weddings in which guests tinkle their glasses to get their bride and groom to kiss on command. It will not be further dignified here. Mr. Dopart wins an "abuse point" in the Loser Stats for this savagery of his poor taste in cams, but that is it.

Third runner-up:
Good: Someone says you're pretty.
Bad: But they're out to get you.
Ugly: And your little dog, too. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Good: A 300 bowling score.
Bad: A 300 credit score.
Ugly: A 300 golf score. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Good: Your boss just promoted you to CFO.
Bad: He fired your predecessor, saying "it's time to turn the page to a new chapter."
Ugly: That would be Chapter 11. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the blinking-eyeball earrings:
Good: You have impressive office furniture.
Bad: Everyone wants to try out sitting at your desk.
Ugly: It's January 6. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)


Hey, Badder, Badder: Honorable mentions
Good: Someone generously offers a cigarette.
Bad: It's awkward to say you don't smoke.
Ugly: The only other thing they offer is a blindfold. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Good: You finally decided to cut the cord.
Bad: It was the microwave cord.
Ugly: It was plugged in. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Good: You jumped into the backyard pool on a steamy day.
Bad: It hasn't been cleaned in a while.
Ugly: It's a cesspool. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Good: Carolyn Hax.
Bad: Political hacks.
Ugly: Lizzie Borden hacks. (Kevin Dopart)

Good: It's finally time for your big presentation.
Bad: Others judge the delivery as too slow-paced.
Ugly: You have to come out by C-section. (Jeff Contompasis)

Good: Your orchestra has never sounded better.
Bad: The audience seems distracted.
Ugly: By a surprisingly large iceberg. (Judy Freed)

Good: You're drilling and hit a gusher.
Bad: The spillage is everywhere and you can't contain it.
Ugly: You're a dentist. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Good: Folding an origami bird.
Bad: Folding a winning hand.
Ugly: Folding a fitted sheet. (Jesse Frankovich)

Good: Got right through to a real person without being put on hold.
Bad: It was the wrong number.
Ugly: You were calling 911. (Judy Freed)

Good: You're at a gathering where people are speaking very highly of you.
Bad: You can't hear a word they're saying.
Ugly: It's your funeral. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Good: Astronaut Barbie.
Bad: Teen Talk Barbie.
Ugly: Klaus Barbie. (Kevin Dopart)

Good: My son is planning to vote.
Bad: He's planning to vote for Trump.
Ugly: My son is Hunter Biden. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Good: One of your son's videos goes viral.
Bad: It's on Nextdoor, not TikTok.
Ugly: It's Ring doorbell footage of him stealing a Kia from a driveway. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Good: Ooh, look at the cute kitty!
Bad: Wait, why is it swinging its paw at me?
Ugly: Oh, right, I'm a hamster. (Mark Raffman)

Good: It's the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol at your door!
Bad: They call you Herbert, but your name is Joe.
Ugly: Herbert is your despicable next-door neighbor. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Good: You aced your cognitive test.
Bad: You're telling everyone.
Ugly: The same people, every five minutes. (Frank Osen, Pasadena Calif.)

Good: You're interviewed at length by a newspaper reporter.
Bad: You're wondering why the reporter looked kind of puzzled.
Ugly: All your quotes end in "[sic]." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Good: You are gazing upon millions of stars in a spectacular display.
Bad: It is really cold out.
Ugly: Your spacesuit tether broke. (Jesse Frankovich)

Good: You find a parking space on K Street.
Bad: You use up a whole roll of quarters for the meter.
Ugly: It's Sunday. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Good: Your boss recognizes your exemplary work.
Bad: By asking you to work late.
Ugly: To train the recent graduate who's replacing you at half your salary. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Good: Your daughter is paying her way through college.
Bad: She has to work insanely long hours.
Ugly: At her OnlyFans site. (Karen Lambert)

Good: You're finally home after being out all day.
Bad: Your dog ignores you.
Ugly: Because he's eating the steak thrown to him by the thieves currently ransacking your house. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Good: You've got a big date tomorrow!
Bad: You don't have time to get ready.
Ugly: It's your trial date. (Mark Raffman)

Good: Your credit score has gone up.
Bad: Because you've opened some high-limit lines of credit.
Ugly: Which must have been done by somebody else. (Sam Mertens)

Good: Dad wearing the new socks you got him.
Bad: With sandals.
Ugly: And nothing else. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Good: You got ink last week!
Bad: You notice a typo.
Ugly: You shouldn't have gone to Tatoos 4 Less. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The headline "Wait -- It Gets Worse" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, June 29: our Week 77 contest to write a script for a "Barney & Clyde" comic strip about memory loss. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Mark Eckenwiler; Chris Doyle; Steve Fahey; Russell Beland )
Judging: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:A:1596: (Kevin Dopart)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1595, Published 06/20/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 77: Ebenezer Screwed
Write us a funny comic strip on a certain sensitive subject. And the winning things you can write with one little patch of the keyboard.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 20, 2024

Hello. Today's new contest is our second installment of "Write a 'Barney & Clyde' for Us."

"Barney & Clyde" is a 14-year-old comic strip written by Gene and Horace LaBadie and illustrated by David Clark. It involves a relationship between a homeless man, Clyde Finster, and a pharmaceuticals billionaire, J. Barnard Pillsbury, but there are several subplots, among them one involving the deepest sort of love. Cynthia Pillsbury, a cynical 11-year-old, loves her grandpa, Ebenezer Pillsbury, who is a cynical man entering the early stages of dementia. Ebenezer is a piece of work, and Cynthia -- a much younger piece of work -- respects him, and is the only person in the family who knows of his condition. She protects him so others don't find out, but has taken it upon herself to see that he gets medical treatment.

Yes, complicated. And dangerous. There is nothing funny about dementia, except when there might be, in the right hands, with the right timing and wording.

For Invitational Week 77: Write a four-panel script for a "Barney & Clyde" strip that addresses dementia in some amusing way, based on Ebenezer's failing -- but still active and iconoclastic -- brain; he's funny, and amazingly accepting of his situation. The strip must include Ebenezer and Cynthia, but may include other characters. You just supply a script -- words only. (For formatting guidance, see a sample script on the entry form.)

The first-prize winner will be drawn by David Clark, and published in many newspapers, and credited to you, the author. And we'll send you a signed print of the illustrated comic. Fifty years from now, it will be worth a fortune. Original copies of "The Katzenjammer Kids," for example, can sell for thousands of dollars. And by then David will probably be dead, so the profits go to you and Gene -- who will be 120, but still alive, though incontinent. As always, you may submit up to 25 entries, but don't stretch a story line over multiple entries.
Here are some more we have done:




Deadline is Saturday, June 29, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool right on Thursday, July 4! As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-77.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Talk QWERTY to Us: The partial-keyboard inventions of Week 75
The contest was simple and complex in equal measure. You had to write complete phrases or sentences using only portions of the classic typewriter/computer keyboard: You could use the QWERTY row, or either of the two other letter rows, or any three adjacent vertical lines, such as QAZWSXEDC. And you could use any numbers or punctuation. We cannot tell you how bad and painfully stretchy most of the entries were, because we do not wish to insult people whose only sin was entering a contest for which they were ill-equipped. Fortunately, some were excellent.

Special thanks to Loser Gary Crockett, who worked out a program to check whether each of the hundreds of this week's entries contained only the letters in its given little row or patch of the keyboard -- and promptly discovered, too late, that one of his own entries had flunked.

Third runner-up: QWERTYUIOP: Outwit uppity uteri? You worry or pout. We uproot Roe! -- S. Alito, Flagstaff (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Second runner-up: WAESZRDX: Sex rearward? See ass, reassess. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: ASDFGHJKL:
All shall gag as Dad, alas
Has alfalfa salad gas. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the toy diseased liver cell:
WSXEDCRFV: Sex ed exed? We're screwed! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

YHNUJMIK > Junk Ink: Honorable mentions
IJNOKMPL: Limp, I pop pill... OK, I'm in! (Jesse Frankovich)

IKOLP (punctuation marks fill the other keys): Lollipop, Lollipop, O, Lolli-Lolli-Lolli, Lollipop pop (LOL LOL LOL LOL) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ESZRDXTFC: Reefer test + secret sex = street cred. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) .

IJNOKMPL: Look, no poopin' in pool, OK? Poop in loo! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

WSXEDCRFV: 2024: "We deserve 2020 reversed! We revere screed-server, excess-sex-fevered, sewer-fed exec!"(Duncan Stevens)

QWERTYUIOP:
Retro toy: Yo-yo.
Retro potty: Poop pit.
Retro outputter: Retiree. (Jesse Frankovich)

QAZWSXEDC: Ed assesses ewe, accesses ewe, WEDS ewe? Eww, Ed! (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

QWERTYUIOP:
01001110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110101 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101100 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00101100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01101111 01110010 01100001 01100010 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00111111 (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md. -- Hey, the contest rules said you could use any numbers on the keyboard! Click on it.)

QWERTYUIOP: I write wry, witty poetry. You trot out poop & potty rot -- utter tripe. I pity you & your trite repertoire. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

QWERTYUIOP: P_T _ _ _ _ _ RETIRE_ _RO_ W_EE_ O_ _ORTU_E (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

QWERTYUIOP:
Pete: "I wrote witty trope!"
Writer tutor/torturer: "You wrote petty tripe. Utter rot. Your terrier puppy outwit you. I pity you."
Pete: "Yet to our pet pittie, you're prey. I pity YOU." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

QWERTYUIOP: We require you to put your pup out to poop or pee. -- Proprietor (Beverley Sharp)

QWERTYUIOP: Writer + pot + pot + pot = pretty poor poetry. (Beverley Sharp)

UHBIJNOKM:
I join jumbo-boob bimbo: "Hi, I'm Bob."
Bimbo: "Hi, Bob, I'm Kiki."
I un-bikini Kiki. . . Oh, no! Him-junk! (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: IJNOKMPL: Look, Mom, I'm inkin' in poop-jokin'! (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Talk QWERTY to Us" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Dave Prevar and Jeff Contompasis offered up the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, June 22: our Week 76 contest for "good/bad/ugly" progressions. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Dave Prevar; Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1594, Published 06/13/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 76: So Good! So Bad! So Ugly!
We bring back a classic contest. Plus our winning parody lyrics and videos.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 13, 2024

Click above to watch Dave Scheiber's "Stand by Your Sham," the winning video in our Week 74 parody contest. Dave even enlisted Tammy Wynette to sing with him! Well, it's old clips of the real Tammy, with Dave's wife, Janie, lip-syncing his lyrics. Also featuring Mike Johnson and various other toadies saying their toady things. See more videos and lyrics below.

Triple Play: This week's new contest, Invitational Week 76
Good: You get to spend a summer's day at a beautiful beach.
Bad: It's awfully crowded and noisy.
Ugly: It is June 6, 1944. (Beverley Sharp)

Good: She says she won't try to change you.
Bad: You are 97 years old.
Ugly: She is your nurse. (Chuck Smith)

Here's a classic Invitational contest that, we were surprised to discover, we've done only twice previously -- ten years ago, and fourteen years before that. And unlike some of our recent efforts, we don't need a page of rules and guidelines to say how it works.

For Invitational Week 76: Present some situation as a good/bad/ugly set, as in the examples above from 2014 and 2000, respectively. While we'll make them into three pretty lines as above, please send each of your progressions as a single line, like this one by Heather Spence:
Good: I got a promotion. Bad: After sleeping with the boss. Ugly: It's a family business.

Deadline is Saturday, June 22, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-76.

This week's winner gets something so bad and ugly it's good: It's a pair of earrings with almost life-size plastic eyeballs -- complete with lashed eyelids that roll up and down in the style of an old Chatty Cathy doll. They would be de rigueur at Loserdom's Met Gala, the annual Flushies picnic/potluck/songfest, Sunday afternoon, July 7, in Arlington, Va. (Write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com to ask for an invitation.)


Here's lookin' (and blinkin') at you, kid: Eyes for your ears, this week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


Any Sing Goes: The parodies of Week 74
We issued our call for song lyrics and videos in Invitational Week 74 as a free-for-all: They could be on current events, as usual -- or anything else. But the entry window covered both the Trump verdict and the Alito flag fracas, so what you gonna do -- out of the hundreds of songs we received, almost a dozen were on the flag business.

As always, we got too many good songs and videos than a sane person can process on one page, so the Empress will share some more inkworthies in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group over the next few days; you can search there on the hashtag #parodies.

(Click on the titles of the songs to hear the original tunes and sing, or at least listen, along.)

Second runner-up: Driving With Clarence (to "See the U.S.A. in Your Chevrolet"):
Be beyond reproach in your motor coach
A billionaire can get it for you free
Or what's better yet, go by private jet --
Another billionaire will pay the fee!
They love you for yourself, not your position;
No need to disclose it, you don't need permission.
The ethics burden isn't heavy!
So see the U.S.A., take a trip today --
It's easy 'cause your "friends" will pay!
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up: Blame -- Ode to Alito (to "Mame"; Judy Freed sings it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vJGFAObqVo)
When you screw up, just point to your wife. Blame!
Complain of neighbors causing you strife. Blame!
Deny it when we say there is evil at the bottom of your soul.
Explain that you just never learned how to hang a flag up on your pole.

You say the Dems want you to recuse. Blame!
Proclaim two flags were not enough clues. Blame!
You'll never be impartial 'cause Donald Trump is now your favorite name.
You'll vote for his immunity,
Defend him with impunity,
Then say we need more unity. Blame! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The winner (video division): Stand by Your Sham (lyrics and video by Dave Scheiber, St. Petersburg, Fla., performed by Janie and Dave Scheiber) See the video at the top of the page.
Sometimes it's hard to see them wooin'
Giving all their love to one flawed man
Charged 34 times
Guilty of each crime
In his hush-money, porn-star plan
But still the GOP stands with him
Scared to risk the wrath of MAGA land

Pretends to love him, oh, acts proud of him
Even though they know it's one big sham
Stand by your sham
Hungry for power you cling to
Ignore the damage he'll do
Repeat his "rigged" BULL-oney
Stand by your sham
Fawn at your courthouse love-in
Red ties, blue suits worn by each man
Stand by your sham
Stand by your sham
Embrace that Big Lie from him
Just bow as low as you can
Stand by your sham (Dave Scheiber, St. Petersburg, Fla.)

And the winner of the Big Ol' Word Nerd socks for best song:
To "If I Only Had a Brain":
Many say of Robert Junior, "His mind is getting punier!
His smarts are on the wane!"
Now, perhaps, the explanation for that sad deterioration:
There's a worm inside his brain.

Of his "thinking" we'd grown weary with every farfetched theory;
Perhaps this could explain
Why he's turned to glibly waxing, stop-the-steal-ing, anti-vaxxing:
There's a worm inside his brain.

Unseen, inside his bean, an aperture it carved.
Prob'ly hoped to bring the pupa, once it larved.
But now it's dead. (My guess: it starved.)

Done with D's and R's, you smarty? "This fall I'll vote third-party"?
Not here to yank your chain,
But come Tuesday in November, you should probably remember
There's a worm inside his brain. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna , Va.)


Music of the Not: Honorable mentions

To "Try to Remember":
Try to remember when we reach November,
Do not elect that awful fellow
Try to remember he's no Mensa member
In fact, his brain is filled with jello.
Try to remember a KKK member
Is likely to call him a pal, so hell, no.
Try to remember don't pick in November
A felon. Felon felon felon felon *. (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)


Sleepin' in the Courtroom (to "Smokin' in the Boys' Room"), lyrics by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, performed by Bob Heck
Sitting in the courtroom thinking "what a drag,"
Listening to the lawyers yap just ain't my bag.
I don't understand half the words they use,
I'm gonna close my eyes and have a little snooze.

Sleepin' in the courtroom,
Sleepin' in the courtroom.
Now, judge, I know you're watching, so don't you get short
'Cause everybody knows that sleepin' ain't allowed in court.

There's a guy named Pecker, he's sleazy and he's slick.
He's got the perfect name because he's nothing but a prick.
He says he worked with me, but hell, we never met before.
I listen to his crap awhile and then I start to snore. (Chorus)

Little Mikey Cohen's up there lying on the stand,
And Stormy says I screwed her, when I barely held her hand.
The judge has got me silenced, already I've been fined.
What'm I supposed to do -- sit there and never speak my mind?
Sleepin' in the courtroom,
Sleepin' in the courtroom.
Now, judge, I've got your number -- it's Joe that you support.
Everybody knows that sleepin' ain't allowed in court.

Sleepin' in the courtroom,
Sleepin' in the courtroom.
I wish I was sleepin' at a five-star Trump resort,
'Cause everybody knows that sleepin' ain't allowed in court!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui-r9-ppNjM
(Jonathan Jensen)

--

34th Guilty Verdict (to "19th Nervous Breakdown")
You're a dirty cheater and a ranting tweeter who is globally despised.
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, with an ego oversized.
Well, it's pretty clear to the people here that you've lied a bunch of times,
And though you've tried you just can't hide your litany of crimes.
You better stop, look around...
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes,
Here comes your 34th guilty verdict!

When a famous star is what you're proud you are, you believe that you can do
Anything you please, but you are just a sleaze who is nasty through and through.
A busty beaut that you tried to mute got a hundred thirty K,
And your fixer aide says he got repaid in an underhanded way...
Oh, who's to blame? It's rigged, that's your claim.
It's all a scam being played on you;
The judge's corrupt and the jury too--oh, please* (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Stefanik's Veep Campaign (to Beethoven's "Fur Elise")
I would really like to be VP,
So I'll give up my dignity.
I'll gin up baseless smears of Judge Merchan,
My self-respect has largely gone.
On all my Trump critiques I've now reneged;
That jury verdict? It was "rigged."
And maybe MAGA faithful will applaud
If I invent election "fraud."
And what the heck, I'll take the plunge,
Impeachment records: "Let's expunge"--
You see, you see? VP: pick me, pick me!
I'll call the 1/6 plotters "hostages,"
If that is what the Donald says*
My suck-up skills, eclipsed! I've got no chance:
I'm losing out to J.D. Vance. (Duncan Stevens)
--


The Final Stretch (lyrics written and performed by school librarian Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)
The Final Stretch (to "The Lusty Month of May" from "Camelot")
Aaahh, it's May!
We've reached the month of May!
I can't believe how suddenly this
Year has slipped away!
Oh my, oh dear,
It's actually here,
With just a few weeks left of school,
We must persevere!

Okay! We'll stay!
*Until Memorial Day,
When every student's losing their shit,
Ready to quit,
Let's split! We're done!
It's time for summer fun!
So many tests and finals to take,
Gimme a break,
I'm not awake, for heaven's sake,
We're unprepared for May!
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3kv8c3BREPE
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)


--

I Am Donald (to "I Am Woman")
I am Donald, hear me bitch
About my trial, the likes of which
Was so corrupt and rigged no way that I could win.
Michael Cohen chose to switch,
Become a sleazebag and a snitch,
While each Merchan ruling proved the fix was in.
Yes, I tell lies to keep the MAGA suckers mine,
And, no, it's no surprise the GOP has stayed in line.
If they diss me, they'll be McConnelled.
I'm a strongman! I am invincible! I am Donald!
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Coup by You (to "Blue Bayou")
It's so sad, you've got a twisted mind.
You're so loathsome all the time.
Democracy got left behind
In the coup by you.

Wealth and power, you can't resist 'em.
Way too many crimes to list 'em.
Now have fun in the penal system
For the coup by you.

We're going back someday to a U.S.A.
Pre-coup by you.
Narcissistic swine, treason's the crime
In the coup by you.
For your sins you'll be in
Jumpsuits matching your skin!
If I could only see.
I'm not usually a hater, but you're just a dictator-
Wannabe. (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

--


Because Biden (to "Because the Night," written and sung by Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)
I hear you saying that you're uninspired,
That Joe isn't everything that you desired.
He's old and his policies aren't your ideal;
I'm sympathetic, but you gotta get real.

Come on now, try and understand
That even if Biden's not your ideal man,
He's light-years better than the other guy,
So if you ask me why
To vote for him, I
Can tell you just why...

Because Biden is not a moron,
Because Biden acts like an adult,
Because Biden has done some good things,
Because he leads a party, not a cult.

Have I doubts about his aging brain?
I mean, sure, but Trump's straight-up insane.
Better a president who's past his prime
Than a narcissist loon who keeps committing crime.

Oh, come on now, help me understand
What anyone sees in that mango man?
He keeps losing trials, he has no defense --
How does this make sense? Make it make sense! Just use common sense...

Because Biden is not an asshole,
Because Biden never staged a coup,
Because Biden does not grab pussies,
Because he's not a sack of flaming poo.

Oh, "man and woman, person, camera, and TV,"
That's Trump's sole "evidence" of sanity!
Meanwhile, he's been committing felonies;
This choice is easy! Please,
Just vote for Joe, even though he's just so-so...

Because Biden does not quote Hitler!
Truly the bar is set so low,
But Trump keeps on sliding underneath it,
Winning the worst game of limbo.
(Because Biden) is not racist!
(Because Biden) is not loco!
(Because Biden) is not awful!
Just do the only sane thing, guys, and vote for Joe!
(Laurie Brink)

-

Trump or Biden (to "Love and Marriage")
Trump or Biden, Trump or Biden:
That's the choice this year. It's not excitin'.
This I'll tell you, brother:
It's one old white guy or the other.

Trump or Biden, Trump or Biden:
There's no other choice, no dark horse hidin'.
If I had my druthers
I'd prefer there'd be some others.

"There is always a third party" -- that's an illusion.
If you think third party, you will come to this conclusion:

Trump or Biden, Trump or Biden:
It's between these two we'll be decidin'.
Here's the story I'm tellin':
It will be one. It's just which one.
It's one old white guy or the * felon.
(Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo. -- Laurie's dad)

Do You Need Ozempic (to "Do You Believe in Magic")
Do you need Ozempic, finding hunger hard?
Just one prick a week will get rid of your lard
And it's magic, you know, this semaglutide
Will make you thinner than the diets you tried
No willpower's needed, you're not under a knife,
There's just one small detail, though, you'll be on it for life . . .
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Hungaring for Orban (to "Be Our Guest")
Budapest! Budapest has conservatives impressed:
From V. Orban they're absorbin' plans they'd like to bring back west.
Crushed dissent, seized the courts: "what a guy!" come their reports;
Over this Hungarian despot right-wing fawning has no respite,

State-owned press, "no mixed race" they are eager to embrace--
He loves Putin? They are not at all distressed.
So he's a fascist strongman? They see nothing wrong, man,
Think he's blessed--"he's the best!" Budapest! (Duncan Stevens)

--

A Roomful of Jurors (to "A Spoonful of Sugar")
When Trump is stirring up his base with all the crap he has to face,
proclaiming persecution so unfair,
'Though he will say it's all contrived, the moment has arrived.
Thank God! It's true! New Yorkers do pull through!

And a roomful of jurors helps the candidate go down.
The candidate go down, candidate go down.
Yes, a roomful of jurors helps the candidate go down
in a most delightful way.

It's hard to hit the campaign trail when you are doing time in jail.
And though it is unlikely, we can dream.
For every count -- all 34, he's guilty evermore.
Poor guy! Who knew what one affair could do? (Chorus)
https://youtu.be/FFeTLxf6kUQ
(Judy Freed, lyrics and performance)

Bigots on Parade (to "Silhouettes on the shade")
Took a walk and passed your house, late last night,
And the cops arrested me, on first sight
Guess I was too Black to be
In your 'hood after eight
Oh, what a lousy welcome committee*

Told them I lived on the block, three doors down,
Without listening, they seethed, "Turn' around!
Raise your hands -- uh oh, you breathed!
The consequence will be great
And with our cuffs your wrists will be wreathed." ..

Gave myself up but they Tased anyway
Bodycam vids were erased, so they say,
Glad a doorbell cam you raised
Or they would surely skate
(Not that they'll pay at the end of the day)
Hypocrites, Bigot Shits *
Too many Bigot Shits on parade. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Togetherness (to "Blinded by the Light")
Neighbors fighting, spiting, Sam Alito-slighting,
Martha's flag hangs upside down.
At the time of the crime, turns out Ginni's in the slime,
Abetting the ochre clown.
With the golden bars she's holdin', Benjamins she's rolled in,
For Nadine, a ragtop, too.
Then the press started pryin', spyin', implyin',
And their husbands knew what would ensue*
And their husbands knew just what to do!
So if your world is filled with strife,
Demands to resign -- they have a lesson for your life:
Blame it on your wife! * (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Um, Something About a Brain (To "If I Only Had a Brain")
When you're gettin' old and brittle, it takes some time to piddle --
Now let me please explain:
All your organs diminish as you're headin' for your finish;
Sadly, that includes your brain.

When your memory gets hazy, it doesn't mean you're crazy
(Or borderline insane);
But the names of your buddies (who, like you, are fuddy-duddies)
Have escaped your aging brain.

Oh, I can't tell you why our bodies start to crash;
I used to do mathematics in a flash!
(Is Prevagen worth all that cash???)

As you go through life, be wary 'cause your vocabulary
Is surely gonna wane;
So enjoy every minute --
Hey, you're on the Earth, not in it! --
And applaud your awesome brain!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


The Boy From Mar-a-Lago (Courtroom 2024 Edition) (to "The Girl From Ipanema," lyrics by Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C., performed by Sandy and Richard Riccardi)
Tired and pissed and orange and hangry
The boy from from Mar-a-Lago is farting
And when he passes gas
All the people go (ah O God Pew)

While he sits he makes an odor
By five o' clock his diaper's loaded
And when he passes wind
all the people cringe (gag vomit etc..)

Oh and they watch him intently
How can they tell if he's conscious
Who knew one could sleep so deeply
If he flatlines will there be a beep
Or will they all just let him sleep?

Eric showed, and well, "Good on 'ya"
But tell us where the hell's Melania?
She's back at Mar-a-Lago by the Sea
She's living free
And happily.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je7B6Qdb5uU
(Sandy Riccardi; Richard Riccardi)


And Last, to The Invitational's favorite song to parody, "Be Our Guest":
I'll attempt, yes attempt, if I'm inked I'll be verklempt!
Though this effort is quite meritless, please temper your contempt.
It's quite clear, I can't spoof, and this entry is the proof --
I'm no Stevens, I'm no Jensen; they are captains, I'm an ensign.
Still I try, still I hope (and this tune is such a trope) --
From this foolish dream I'm surely not exempt!
Since I'm so undeserving, won't you grade while curving?
Don't preempt, or perempt, my attempt!
(oh, all right), (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The headline "Any Sing Goes" is by Tom Witte; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, June 15: our Week 75 contest to write funny things with only certain sections of the keyboard. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Beverley Sharp; Chuck Smith; Heather Spence )
Judging: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1593, Published 06/06/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 75: Qwerty Lashes
Write us something funny from just a few letters of the keyboard. Plus winning headline 'typos.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 06, 2024

Sean Gladwell / Getty Images
Hello. Welcome to the new contest, which is also an old contest, so old and desiccated that it is older than some of the people who will enter it. We last ran it 29 years ago.

The original contest was to write a complete sentence using only the letters contained on the top-letter row of a typewriter. That's how old it was: Our instructions stipulated a "typewriter."

For Invitational Week 75: Write us something -- a phrase, a sentence, more than one sentence -- using only one of the following partial-keyboard options:

1. The letters on any single horizontal row of a standard computer or cellphone: (Q, W, E, R, T, Y, U, I, O, P is the top row.)

2. Any three adjacent columns going down the keyboard, as in QAZ/WSX/EDC or YHN/UJM/IK. And since those columns slant down the keyboard, you may slant the block of columns either right to left or left to right. So, for example, ESZ/RDX/TFC would also be legit.

-- You may use any punctuation marks you want, and any numbers, regardless of where they are on the keyboard.

Here are a few winners from our 1995 QWERTYUIOP contest (full results here):

Peter, Peter power pooper
You require Roto-Rooter. (Ted Spencer)

You retire, I retire too; quit pro quo. (Phil Plait)

Poe + rye + terror + woe = eerie poetry. (Jennifer Hart)

Deadline is Saturday, June 15, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 20. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-75.

Important formatting note: Begin each entry by telling us the first three letters of the row or columns you're using (e.g., "QWE:"; "YHN:"). And make each entry a single line (i.e., don't press Enter before you get to your next entry).

This week's winner -- in honor of the old cliche of the scribe at his typewriter, bottle of booze sticking out of his desk drawer -- gets Cirrhosis. Unlike the little bitty toys that make up most of the Giant Microbes collection, this one's a softball-size reversible fuzzy/plushie with a zipper on its mouth, big enough to stash a couple mini-bottles of hooch. Donated by Dave (hic) Prevar.


Unlike your fellow writers O. Henry, Jack Kerouac, and Khalil Gibran, you can get cirrhosis and keep on livering: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

HeadLies: Winning 'typos' from Invitational Week 73
In Week 73 we "rewarded" Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis for his 1,000 blots of Invitational ink since 2004 by inviting him to do our work for us and judge the contest of his choice. JefCon's challenge: Choose any real headline -- from anywhere -- dated that week; then change it by a single character (or switch two letters); then write a bank head, or subtitle, humorously reflecting the alteration. We sent Jeff a list of all the entries, all shuffled up, with no identifying information about the writers; he learns their names right now, along with you.

Jeff plunged into the assignment with fervor, which turned into, uh, less fervor as he plowed through more than 500 entries. "I knew this could be a tedious grind. How it's done every week, I don't know," he told us when he returned his final list to us on Tuesday. But just as it is with us, once he winnowed the pile to his favorites, he found plenty to laugh at. Here are his picks.

Third runner-up:
Real headline from Axios: Denver ranks among nation's top spots for pet- pot-friendly living
Made-up bank head: Mile High City scores 415 out of 420 on cannabis index (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Return of pink punk birds excites watchers
Sex petrels, red kennedys clash over nesting territory (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

First runner-up:
6 new knew movies our critics are talking about this week
In recent NYT poll, almost no one had heard of the obscure foreign films we touted (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the artsy book Life-Sized Animal Poop:
U.S. suspects Russia put 'counterspace weapon' 'counter space weapon' in orbit
Could inundate American kitchens with bulky air fryers and juicers (Kevin Dopart)


Mehs With Our Heads: Honorable mentions
Veteran homelessness hoselessness 'effectively ended'
Hanes donates thousands of pairs of socks to city shelters (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Still rolling tolling after all these years
Londoners to celebrate Big Ben's 165th birthday on May 31 (Chris Doyle)

How Trump used his own court filing fling to claim an 'assassination' attempt
Misunderstands 'le petit mort' and how it's provided (Kevin Dopart)

Boeing Starliner set to launch its first crewed screwed mission
Astronauts confident: 'It's not a 737, right?' (Richard Alexander, Grand Rapids, Mich., a First Offender)

Activist loses 'swatting' 'twatting' suit against officers
Constables avoid gaol over inappropriate epithet, but judge notes victim is 'kind of a wanker' (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Activists target bottled bot-led water operation
Cyborgs on executive board are mindless idiots, they complain (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Florida man sentenced to prison for conspiring to smuggle snuggle turtles
Jury rejects 'they're too cute!' defense (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Logging Loggins, solitary tribe collide in Peru
Singer's visit is not 'alright' with Mashco Piro people (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Sparks Spanks fly in tense closing arguments as Trump's trial wraps up
Surprise reenactment of 'rolled-up Forbes' shocks jurors (Frank Osen)

Tornado Toronado devastates Arkansas town
1985 Oldsmobile plows into bar, diner, bait shop (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Yoga Yoda You Must Do After Dinner
Pleasure You All Night He Will (Jesse Frankovich)

Mexico's Cartels Carvels Seizing Control of Tortilla Industry
Ice cream chain was running low on waffle cones (Neil Kurland)

Trump suggests ex-rival Haley will be a part of his team 'in some form' forum'
A funny thing happened on the way to the convention (Kevin Dopart)

'Nothing has ever stopped her here'
D.C. Wards 7, 8 campaign for bus service (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Add a touch of joy to your daily routine poutine
Try moose gravy on your fried curds for that special treat (Chris Doyle)

An AP Photographer Captures the Pope in a Dramatic Light Fight
87-year-old Francis punches out cardinal who called him 'Your Ass-holiness' (Mark L. Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

MIT researchers locate three of the oldest stars tsars in the universe
After extensive planetary search fails, scientists find graves of Rurik, Oleg, Igor -- in Russia (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Wife of Justice Alito called upside-down flag 'signal of distress mistress'
'Frankly, she's welcome to him!' Martha-Ann harrumphs (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Trump's legal regal troubles
Planned 2025 coronation may be unconstitutional (Chris Doyle)

Biden hits milestone: 200 judges fudges confirmed
But still far behind Trump's 30,573 fact-checked false or misleading claims (Chris Doyle)

6 Tasty Nasty Vegetables You Can Grow This Fall
From beets to bitter melon, a cornucopia to make the kiddos groan (Jesse Frankovich)

5 Biggest Solar Molar Projects in the US
Dentists race to make the perfect set of dentures (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Google's A.I. Search Errors Terrors Cause a Furor Online
Company apologizes after all medical queries generate 'You probably have cancer' (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Marco Rubio wants to be Vice Vile President
Aims to out-Trump Trump in last-minute bid (Jonathan Jensen)

Money raised, spent on South Dakota ballot ballet measures
State seeks to shed image as dog-shooting cultural backwater (Jonathan Jensen)

Oleksandr Usyk Offered Chance Change to Become Three-Weight World Champion
Boxing star willing to fight for purse of two quarters, a dime and a nickel (Sam Mertens)

Bucks County's finest scholar-athletes feted fetid at Kiwanis banquet
Busy game schedule left no time for showers (Frank Osen)

Police tape vape up outside Conley Road Walmart
'Really, you want a little THC to mellow those guys out,' says chief (Sam Mertens)

Research shows you shouldn't ask 'How are you?' -- use this small stall talk instead.
Better words for delaying are 'Um,' 'uh,' experts say (Judy Freed)

Trump pitches bitches to Black and Latino voters in South Bronx
'Why don't you losers support me?' ex-President complains (Jonathan Jensen; Gary Crockett)

A Formula for Success Sucress
Stevia company leaks that it's C20H30O3 and a Few Rebaudiosides (Kevin Dopart)
Jeff, a chemical engineer who'd be in the first ranks of the Nerd Pride Parade, notes: "I forgave the fact C20H30O3 is merely a molecular formula with no structure to specifically indicate steviol, whereas 13-hydroxy-5*,8*,9*,10*,13*-kaur-16-en-18-oic acid does -- and is empirically funnier. Pay attention to detail, next time, Loser."

And Last:
DC JC Comics Reviews
After 20 years of Loserdom, Jeff Contompasis gets to be judgy on hopeful humorists (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "HeadLies" is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Jeff chose them along with today's inking entries.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET MONDAY, June 10 (but earlier is welcome!): our Week 74 contest for song lyrics on the topic of your choice -- either parodies or, if you make a video, an original tune. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Ted Spencer; Phil Plait; Jennifer Hart)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1592, Published 05/30/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 74: It's Parody Time
Write a funny song about ... anything you like! Plus the winners of our contest to rhyme a Beatles line with one of your own.
PAT MYERS
MAY 30, 2024

^^ Loserbard Jonathan Jensen got his first blot of Invitational ink with this video parody in 2018. You don't have to have Jonathan's musical chops, though, to write a song for this week's Invite.

Hello. As Gene reported in his Saturday post, the Czar is away this week, so you have just the Empress today for any Loserly sucking-up, hatemongering, etc. To compensate for the Genelessness, I declare this day Comment Thread Free for All: You don't have to be a paying Gene Pool subscriber to write in with comments. (I won't be monitoring the question queue, so I'm not even putting up the Big Orange Button for that, just the one for the comments.) Your comments don't have to be on Invitational matters; feel free to opine on the usual weird coincidences, dog smells, cilantro, VPL, etc. I can also do the Pat the Perfect thing I used to do on Gene's early chats and take questions on grammar, usage, etc. I ask only this:
Unless you're telling a really fascinating narrative, please keep your comments brief; don't drone on with some tl;dr disquisition. You're on the honor system with that (and you're all so honorable). I'll hold the discussion live for an hour or so, but feel free to keep the conversation going -- especially to shout out your faves among this week's inking entries.


This week's Invitational: Week 74, Buckdancer's Choice
I grew up on the song parodies of Mad Magazine, plus the satirical pastiches of Tom Lehrer, and one of the first ongoing contests I started in The Invitational, back in 2005, was one for song lyrics about politics. The results were fantabulous, thus beginning an ever-expanding Great Invite Songbook of parodies -- and, once we had the option of videos, original topical songs -- by dozens of talented Loserbards.

Gene's never really gotten into the song contests, so I figure this is a good week to have one -- plus we should get some good new material for this year's Flushies, the Loser Community's annual awards/potluck/singalong; this year it's on the afternoon of Sunday, July 7, in Metro-friendly Crystal City, Arlington, Va. (If you're interested in joining us, write to brunchoflosers@gmail.com to get on the mailing list for details.) And while all our past contests have asked either for songs about something in the news or ones on a particular theme, this one is open to any topic at all. Bring it on.

For Invitational Week 74: Write a humorous song on your choice of topics, set to any familiar tune (or even your own tune, if you'll sing it to our readers). Include a link to the original tune you're parodying, one we can sing along to. Videos are welcome as well; on the entry form, tell us that you've made a video, and include a public link (e.g., YouTube) to your performance along with your lyrics. Pleeze tell us what song your lyrics are parodying; sometimes it's totally obvious in your head and whuh? in ours, especially when we're looking at hundreds of these things.

Sooo important: Because these lyrics are going to be read, not listened to (unless you're making a video), don't send us a line-by-line parody of a five-minute recording; best for us are lyrics about 8 to 16 lines, without choruses that simply repeat the same words; the songs need to be interesting and funny top to bottom. (Even with videos: Unless you have lots of graphics or staging -- like this tour de force about covid by Sophie Crafts, or Marty Gold and his family singing their "Ode to the Chinese Buffet" -- your song shouldn't run much over two minutes; Jonathan's above is 1:15. And you don't need fancy production: One of our all-time favorites is Laurie Brink singing "Rudy's Crazy" to Frankie Valli's "Sherry." )

For that ol' Guidance and Inspiration, see the winning lyrics and videos from last year. You'd think we're being silly to tell you that you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, but then you don't know some of our peeps.

I'm going to extend the deadline as long as I can and still be able to read and sing along with and listen to everything: Deadline is Monday, June 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Unlike most weeks, if you send them earlier, I'll try to look at them earlier. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 13.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-74.

The winner gets a deluxe pair of Big Ol' Word Nerd socks; they're described on the tag as "women's crew" but they're stretchy, and if you're not too big of an Ol' Word Nerd, they should fit your male foot as well. Donated by Normal Size OWN Dave Prevar, who has not worn them.


Did you know that the top part of a sock is called the welt? You did? Then this prize has your name on it.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

We Can Dork It Out: The Beatles 'tailgaters' of Week 72
In Week 70 we invited you to be the songwriting partner of the Beatles: to choose any line from a Fab Four song and rhyme it with your own line, in a couplet that the light-verse world calls a tailgater. (We did the same contest with Bob Dylan songs in Week 39.) We specified that the song must have been released as a Beatles song, not a solo effort, and so we had to toss this one by Barbara Turner using Paul McCartney's "Another Day": "Alone in an apartment she'll dwell/ Till the man of her dreams comes and makes it smell."

Third runner-up:
I have always thought that it's a crime,
But it looks like he won't do any time. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
[Don't know about you, but if this entry proves to be incorrect, we won't be disappointed.]

Second runner-up:
It's a thousand pages, give or take a few.
Buy my Bible now -- my lawyer's bill is due. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
What do I do when my love is away?
I can give you a hint, and it starts with "m-a*" (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the 2000s greeting card satirizing President George W. Bush:
I feel good in a special way --
My dog's bad and I just made him pay! -- K. Noem (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)


We Love It? Meh, Meh, Meh: Honorable mentions
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
Or, Boeing, you'll be absent from the sky. (Mark Raffman)

I've got something to say that might cause you pain:
No one's surprised that a worm ate your brain. (Terri Berg Smith)

All through the day, I me mine, I me mine, I me mine,
Pronouns I sing: we us ours, they them theirs, thee thou thine! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Always shouts out something obscene:
She's Marjorie! Taylor! Greene! (Mark Raffman)

I will say the only words I know that you'll understand.
You really suck at this job, so listen up -- you've been canned. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see.
"Fat chance!" will be my answer. "Disagree!" (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
I love writing nonsense while you search for hidden meaning in it all* (Terri Berg Smith)

Now somewhere in the black mountain hills of Dakota
Kristi Noem's shooting pets to make her quota. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Rocky had come equipped with a gun
'Cause Bullwinkle clearly was coming undone. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Pink brown yellow orange and blue:
In Florida this flag's taboo. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

So why on earth should I moan,
Why fake the O when alone? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be --
That magician made a mess of me! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Something in the way she moves
Suggests to me she walks on hooves. (Chris Doyle)

The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
Shares all of his cellphone convo with the Metro crowd. (Duncan Stevens)

There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long
But I won't vote for Biden 'cause his Gaza views are wrong. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye,
Mixed media on canvas, cost you 15 mil to buy. (Mark Raffman)

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I walked to school through six-foot snowdrifts, uphill all the way. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

You're the fattest girlfriend I have found --
And I do appreciate you bein' round... (Beverley Sharp)

Thoughts meander like a restless wind
Inside a letter box; they-- squirrel! (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Each one believing that love never dies
Wait till they read my new will-surprise! (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

He got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola,
He write funky lyrics, this one's pure crapola. (Chris Doyle)

Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown.
Goes outside, gets the flag, hoists it up upside down. (Sam Mertens)

Who knows how long I've loved you, you know I love you still,
Will you sleep with me this evening? Have this drink -- ah, now you will. --Bill Cosby (Terri Berg Smith)

For if I ever saw you, I didn't catch your name,
I just grabbed you by the pussy -- I'm a man of wealth and fame. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Got to be good looking 'cause he so hard to see.
I'll stay in my apartment so they'll say that of me! (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C)

I can't forget the time or place where we just met --
That mushroom's singed into my brain like a cigarette. -- S.D. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

I don't wanna say that I've been unhappy with you
But you blocked my coup, Mike--sorry, we're through." (Leif Picoult)

I say "high," you say "low" *
Our picture-hanging is going slow. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

I want to hold your hand
Four kings! That's worth a grand! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside,
I shouldn't have eaten that pod that's filled with Tide. (Duncan Stevens)

Jo Jo was a man who thought he was a loner,
The only DeSantis for President donor. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Lady Madonna, lying on the bed;
Her OnlyFans account got her out of the red. (William Pifer-Foote, Rancho Cordova, Calif.)

Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping --
I'm not dead yet, no need for six-feet-deeping! (Mark Raffman)

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces --
Little darling, today the twins get out of braces. (Duncan Stevens)

Picture yourself on a train in a station,
Praying the Metro resumes operation. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Say you don't need no diamond rings, and I'll be satisfied.
But you'd better sign these prenup things, so I'll know you haven't lied. (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

There's nothing you can make that can't be made,
But no thanks on that prune juice lemonade. (Duncan Stevens)

Well, she was just seventeen,
But too old for Epstein * (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Terri Berg Smith)

Why don't we do it in the road?
See Section 22-1312 of the D.C. Criminal Code. (Jesse Rifkin)

Why leave me standing here, let me know the way.
This I pray to Google Maps on any given day. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Yes, I'm gonna be a star --
I registered my name for XJ53R. (Jeff Rackow)

You say you lost your love, well I saw her yesterday-yi-yay
I asked her if she's game for a swift roll in the hay-yi-yay (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Listen to me one more time, how can I get through
Representative. Representative! REPRESENTATIVE! Fuck you! (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

I may appear to be imperfect,
Not unlike this rhyme I've furnished. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
Of senseless drivel Gene and Pat review. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: How can I even try? I can never win.
Twenty-five entries every week, and not a one gets in. (Chris Doyle, whose math is off by a mere 2,663 entries)

The headline "We Can Dork It Out" is by Neil Kurland; Lee Graham wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, June 1: our Week 73 contest to make a "typo" in a real headline, then write a bank head, or subtitle, reflecting the revision. This contest will be guest-judged by ultra-Loser Jeff Contompasis in honor of his 1,000th blot of Invite ink -- but obviously his tastes in humor tend to track with our own. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jonathan Jensen)
Judging: ()
Title: (Neil Kurland)
Subhead: (Lee Graham)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1591, Published 05/23/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 73: Our Typo Humor
More fun with headlines. Plus 'Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me'-style questions -- and Peter Sagal weighs in with his favorites.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 23, 2024

Hello.

This is a snake. It represents the winner of the 71st Invitational, chosen by Special Prosecutor Peter Sagal, host of NPR's comedy quiz show "Wait Wait * Don't Tell Me."

But wait, wait* First, a headline. This week, Jeff Contompasis becomes the ninth Loser in The Invitational's 31-year, 1,591-contest history to have been awarded 1,000 blots of ink.

JefCon, a 59-year-old engineer from suburban Northern Virginia, is a testament to Loserly persistence: He began entering the Invite in 1997 but didn't get his first ink until 2004, for a contest for some conservative humor to balance our usual leftist swill ("What's the difference between a conservative commentator and a liberal commentator? One is called a conservative commentator; the other is called a commentator"). But then he really caught the Invite bug, and he's entered the contest every single week since December 2008 -- winning the contest sixteen times and runnerupping sixty.

The honor offered to our thousand-inkers is to guest-judge the contest of their choice.

Jeff's contest of choice: It's a variation on our "Mess With Our Heads" contest, one we haven't done since 2018. For Invitational Week 73: Change a headline in an article or ad in a print or online publication dated May 23-June 1, 2024, by:
(a) adding or subtracting one letter; or
(b) substituting a letter; or
(c) transposing two letters; and/or
d) changing spacing or punctuation;
and then add a "bank head," or subtitle, that reflects the altered headline, as in these examples from the 2018 contest (full results here):

For the first time, the (Met) Mets will perform opera on Sundays
After lousy season, players hope for more success with different kind of tragedies (Dave Airozo)

(Crude) Crud stockpiles fall for a fifth week
Experts fear end of yard sales if shortage worsens (Frank Osen)

Target tries to entice seasonal (workers) porkers
Call goes out early for store Santas (Jeff Contompasis)

You may shorten a more complex headline, and you may capitalize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. Tell us where you found the original head (we'd appreciate the URL) and what its real wording was! Important formatting note: Strikethroughs do not transmit on our Google Forms; see this week's entry form for what to do instead. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 1, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 6.

The winner gets -- courtesy of JefCon himself -- the truly handsome oversized picture book Life-Sized Animal Poop, by John Townsend. Each page, or double-page spread for your larger beasts -- or four-page foldout for a dinosaur coprolite -- features fun facts about a particular animal and an artsy painting of its particular product. It even comes with a glossy poster of the whole array.


Think of the newspaper bag you'd need to pick up a 29 1/2-inch-long poop. A two-page spread from this week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Multi-Bull Choice: The 'Wait Wait' questions of Week 71
In Invitational Week 71, we challenged you to write us some "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me"-style questions about some Ridiculous but True event, recent or historical. Peter Sagal read your many hundreds of entries about 20 finalist entries we flagged for him, as a courtesy, and he immediately eliminated a half dozen or so that his show had already run. Such as the fabulous one about the Chinese zoo whose "pandas" were actually chow chow dogs dyed black and white.

We gave Peter more entries, and awarded him two votes, and the Czar and Empress each got one vote apiece. This has never been done before and represents the most amazing voluntary abandonments of royal power in human humor history since the abdication of King Edward VIII.

Fortunately we were in agreement with Peter's choices for the winner and runners-up except that he failed to appreciate one entry that he deemed "too gross" -- and that, of course, we see as a badge of honor. So Rob Cohen, below, gets first runner-up. Rob, Peter Sagal has officially and forever declared you "too gross." You are welcome. Also, inexplicably, Peter did not find the third runner-up too gross. We don't know why, but are not giving him a second pass at it.

Third runner-up:
At Our Blessed Lady Immaculate church in County Durham, England, a priest stunned worshipers with an Easter sermon claiming what?
A. That after everyone had drunk four full cups of wine, the Last Supper turned into a drunken matzoh-throwing food fight.
B. Christ had an erection when he died on the cross.
C. Joseph took the dog in the manger to a gravel pit.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
A man in Chicago made what basic mistake when trying to rob the safe in a muffler shop?
A. Loading the safe onto his moped, only to topple over immediately.
B. Not asking workers if the safe had anything in it before spending thirty minutes jackhammering an empty box.
C. Leaving his phone number with the shop's workers so they could call him when the manager--the only person who knew the safe's combination--returned to work.
Correct answer: C. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up:
A Texas man wearing a kilt was arrested for what?
A. Disturbing the peace by playing his bagpipes nonstop for three hours on a street corner.
B. Taking items for sale at antique stores, sticking them up his anus, then returning them to the shelf.
C. Indecent exposure after he repeatedly passing gas, causing his kilt to billow and exposing his otherwise uncovered derriere.
Correct answer: B. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the "Wait Wait" mug signed by Peter himself:
In 2022, a cobra made news for what?
A. Traveling 1.7 miles at 93 mph while attached to the person it bit as he was boarding the Jebel Jais zip line in the United Arab Emirates.
B. Dying, after biting an 8-year-old boy who bit it back. (The boy was fine.)
C. Vibrating to death after it swallowed a sex toy.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen)

Truly Ridi-Q-lous: Honorable mentions
Killed treacherously by Earl Sigurd the Mighty, how did the 9th-century Scot Mael Brigte get posthumous vengeance upon him?
A. As Sigurd tried to drink from the skull of his vanquished foe, a piece dislodged and choked him.
B. His decapitated head was strapped to Sigurd's saddle as he rode home, and his buckteeth cut Sigurd's leg and caused a fatal infection.
C. Sigurd's men looted bagpipes from the field of battle and played them all day.
Correct answer: B (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

In a 2016 survey of 1,000 Americans, 80 percent said they favored mandatory labels on any food containing what?
A. CO2
B. H2O
C. DNA
Correct answer: C. (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

What distinguishes the $822 stonewash jeans sold by the fashion house Jordanluca? A. They resemble chaps by being both assless and crotchless.
B. A large stain in the front makes it look as if the wearer has peed in them.
C. They are sold with interchangeable codpieces in three pastel colors.
Correct answer: B. (Frank Osen)

Some epicures visit Sardinia to sample Casu Marzu, a delicacy consisting of what?
A. Salt-brined, caramelized worm castings.
B. A stew of fermented Etruscan shrews.
C. Pecorino cheese filled with live maggots.
Correct answer: C. (Frank Osen)

Following a crashing sound, the hole in a Canadian woman's roof was determined to be caused by:
A. Her teenage next-door neighbor sailing through it while bouncing on his backyard trampoline.
B. Frozen chunks of human excrement that had flown through the sky.
C. Santa's aim was off and he missed the chimney.
Correct answer: B. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Some things like to live where the sun don't shine in the Sunshine State, resulting in a Florida man having to have:
A. 150 live bugs removed from his nose.
B. A live baby python removed from his rectum.
C. Two baby sea turtles removed from his stomach when the eggs he was smuggling hatched en route.
Correct answer: A. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

What did a cafe in Kinston, N.C., do when a customer left her credit card behind?
A. The manager added a $50 "gratuity" to the customer's bill, then called her to say he'd found the card.
B. It helpfully posted unredacted photos of the front and back of the card on a local Facebook page, causing the card to immediately run up thousands of dollars in charges.
C. The cashier quickly ran out and shot one of the tires on the customer's car so she couldn't drive away.
Correct answer: B. (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

In 1908, German Gen. Dietrich von Hulsen-Haesler died of a heart attack at a party. What immediately preceded it?
A. Clad in a pink tutu, leotard, and ballet tights, he danced around the room with leaps and pirouettes.
B. He ate four bowlfuls of wiener schnitzel, two of which were others guests'.
C. He got into a frenetic argument with a French diplomat over which language was more beautiful.
Correct answer: A. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

A budget hotel in Fukuoka, Japan, rents rooms at around a dollar a night! How?
A. The guests also serve as the hotel's staff, meaning they have to do things like check people in, make beds, and vacuum the hallways.
B. The guests agree to have the hotel livestream every moment of their stay except going to the bathroom; the innkeeper hopes to make the money back with ads on his YouTube channel.
C. The guests compete in nightly sumo matches against professional wrestlers, all for the entertainment of staff and other guests.
Correct answer: B (Leif Picoult)

The U.S. Navy was recently ridiculed for tweeting what on X?
A. A video of the official Navy anthem that was titled "Anchors Away."
B. A photo of an officer shooting a rifle with the scope mounted backwards and the lens cap still on.
C. A recruitment ad featuring Village People lookalikes singing "In the Navy."
Correct answer: B. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What surprised attendees of the funeral service in England for comedian Rod Hull, famed for performing with an emu puppet?
A. The eulogy was delivered by an emu-costumed puppeteer holding a Rod Hull puppet.
B. When the coffin was carried into the church, sounds like beak-pecking were heard in the coffin.
C. When the coffin was opened at the viewing, a live emu jumped out.
Correct answer: B; Hull had arranged the prank himself. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

A French inventor of pills to make flatulence smell less offensive has added what new scent?
A. Chanel No. 5.
B. Roquefort cheese.
C. Aphrodisiacal ginger, released just before Valentine's Day.
Correct answer: C (Frank Osen)

A major snack food company recently commissioned a giant statue of what?
A. A 19-foot-high celery stick with ranch dressing pouring down from the top, commissioned by Hidden Valley and erected (ahem) in Wintersberg, Calif., "the celery capital of America."
B. A rotating neon Moon Pie, 13 feet in diameter, temporarily located on top of the Chattanooga Bakery's new distribution center until the new Moon Pie visitor center is opened in downtown Chattanooga.
C. A 17-foot statue of three fingers dusted in orange and holding a Cheeto. The "Cheetle" was erected in the village of Cheadle, Alberta, but PepsiCo Foods Canada was expected to tour it to several Canadian cities.
Correct answer: C. (Ann Fisher, Marquette, Mich.)

A day care center in Billings, Montana, closed after what happened?
A. The children were taken on a field trip to the local chicken-processing plant.
B. An employee posted a video of the children fighting, with the caption "Fight night already starting."
C. A teacher left children unsupervised, telling them, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Correct answer: B (Frank Osen)

Despite its dangers, you can't deny that technology has improved our standard of living in truly important, transformative ways. Which of these items is now available for purchase?
A. A refrigerator that asks, "Do you really need that?" if you reach for items you store on a certain rack.
B. A special sippy cup that evenly distributes a mix of cereal and milk into your mouth, for that proper crunch.
C. A remote-controlled aerosol deodorant. Stand back, raise your arm, and let the spray find its way.
Correct answer: B (Judy Freed)

How did a resident of Brighton, England, choose to commemorate her recently deceased pet?
A. She legally changed her name to Fluffy Shih Tzu.
B. She erected a 20-by-60-foot billboard in front of her house and painted her late cat Daisy on it.
C. She had her hamster stuffed and mounted as a pole-dancing stripper in a pink thong.
Correct answer: C. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

What service does the Diaper Spa in New Hampshire provide?
A. For $1,500, men and women can spend a day of pampering in an adult-size nursery with toys and an adult-size crib "to take care of the little one inside of you."
B. Women who don't have babies of their own get to dote on spa-provided ones, cooing to them and rocking them in ergonomic Herman Miller chairs -- until the little ones inconveniently cry, spit up, poop, etc., at which point they're conveniently whisked away and replaced with a margarita.
C. Parents-to-be wear diapers until they are nearly full, to understand the discomfort their babies will suffer if neglected.
Correct answer: A. (Dave Prevar)

Miami continues to be distinctly different from other American cities, including its police department, which recently unveiled its first:
A. Rolls-Royce squad car.
B. Floodproof amphibious squad car.
C. Fleet of pastel squad cars with palm tree decals.
Correct answer: A. (Kevin Dopart)

Charlie Chaplin won third place:
A. In a Adolf Hitler lookalike contest.
B. In an Oliver Hardy lookalike contest.
C. In a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
Correct answer: C. (Kevin Dopart)

A Sacramento porch pirate managed to steal a package using what innovative method?
A. He did a series of somersaults across the front yard, deftly grabbed the box from the porch, and rolled away.
B. He stuffed himself inside a giant trash bag, walked up to the the porch, dropped the package inside, then waddled off.
C. He brazenly walked up to the porch and took the box, waving a sign at the security camera that read: "Your security camera seems to be working."
Correct answer: B. (Judy Freed)

In 1726, what did an Englishwoman named Mary Toft convince clergymen and doctors, including the doctor of the King of England, that she could do?
A. Sing from her "nether partes."
B. Give birth to rabbits.
C. Leave her body and travel to other cities, lands, and even heaven.
Correct answer: B. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A young man applying for a job at Subway left red-faced after his mom did what?
A. Walked into the interview to remind him he hadn't taken his vitamins that morning.
B. Held up a sign in the window to tell him his parole officer was waiting outside.
C. Fell asleep in her car outside the store, accidentally hit the gas pedal, and crashed into the shop.
Answer: C (Leif Picoult)

The headline "Multi-Bull Choice" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 25: our Week 72 "tailgater" contest for rhymes pairing one line of a Beatles song with one line of your own. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jeff Contompasis)
Examples: (Dave Airozo; Frank Osen; Jeff Contompasis)
Judging: (Jeff Contompasis)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Jeff Contompasis)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1590, Published 05/16/2024
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The Invitational Week 72: All You Need Is Ink
Take a line from a Beatles song and rhyme it with your own. Plus winning 'grandfoals.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 16, 2024

The Fab Four promoting the 1967 international TV special "One World." This week's Invitational lets you meet the Beatles, sorta. (By Jim Gray/Getty Images)
Hello. You know how grandkids tend to be innocent and adorable? Well, today we present the winning "grandfoals" wordplay from Invitational Week 70, but for some reason they turn out trading heavily in fornication, scatology, self-pleasuring, prostitution, and crime.

But before we ooze into that, the new contest:

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never thought I'd spend so much on Rogaine and Bengay.
--
Oh, please, say to me, you'll let me be your man
You'll see I put the seat down, when I use the can.
--
Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky,
Do not view that eclipse with naked eye.
--

This week's Invitational challenge is the second "tailgating" contest of the New Era. The first involved Bob Dylan. For Week 72: Choose a line from a song written by one or more of the Beatles and released by the Beatles (not on solo or later albums). Then pair it with your own rhyming line, as in the examples above by Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest and even offered a link to this convenient list of Beatles lyrics, alphabetized by song. Note: This collection also includes cover versions; check the composer credit above each song to make sure it's really by the Fab Four. (No, they didn't write "Twist and Shout.")

Also: Even if the Beatles didn't rhyme the line you chose, you must. Your couplet doesn't have to be singable to the original tune, though.

Speaking of the Dylan and Beatles, did you know that Bob turned the Beatles on to pot on August 28, 1964, The Day the Music Got Fried? And it led, pretty directly, to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and John and Yoko blissed out and naked on an album cover.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-72. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Formatting: Please write each couplet as a single line divided with a slash, rather than on two separate lines; we'll restore them to proper couplet-hood on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, May 25, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 30.

The winner gets this weirdly political birthday card, dating from c. 2005 and issued by Carlton Cards, evidently a bolder division of American Greetings. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


Wry Bred: The 'grandfoals' of Week 70
A month ago, as is our yearly tradition, we gave you the names of 100 horses being considered for this year's Kentucky Derby, and challenged you to "breed" any two names to come up with a "foal" name that humorously reflected the names of both parents. Two weeks later, as is our yearly tradition, we challenged you to take any of the 100 winning foal names and breed them to create grandfoal names.

You entered a lot, more than a dozen hundred entries (journalists are required by law to describe quantities by the dozen -- and also distances by football fields). And you nailed this one, again. Again, the Empress and Czar bloodied their knuckles, the floor, the walls, the ceiling with the savagery of cuts to unquestionably worthy offerings, to get down to a manageable 80 or so inking entries that we present below.

The best entry that failed to get individual credit because too many people thought of it: Shiva Me Timbers x Hardonnay = Mourning Wood

--

Third runner-up: Breed Willy Wanka with BBQAnon and name the foal Stroke of 4Chan (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Second runner-up: Shiva Me Timbers x De Beers = Davy Jones' Lager (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: Tryst Fund x Be Ess = "Legal Expenses" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the cat butt magnets:
Peter Rose x Famous Anus = You Bet Your Ass (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)


Out of the Punning: Honorable mentions
Grrrder x Counterfatter = Grrrdle (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

This Just In x = Is It In Yet? (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Suks x Nosh = Bites (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Ghosted x Leak House = I Pee Dead People (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Godiva x Go Away! = Diva (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Hell MNOP x Suks = Hell MNOPause (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

David Copper x Styx With It = Cu in Hell (Chris Doyle)

Hell MNOP x Ghosted = QRST KilledTheCat (Jesse Frankovich)

Peter Rose x All-Day Sucker = Petey Barnum (Neil Kurland)

Willy Wanka x All-Day Sucker = Onan Onan On (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

De Beers x TheWrightBrothels = HouseOfAleRepute (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

De Beers x Famous Anus = Heinieken (Steve Price, New York)

Drunk and Orderly x At the Buzzard = KeepCalmAndCarrion (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jonathan Paul)

BBQAnon x By the Toe = Hallux Jones (Chris Doyle)

Be Ess x Reese's Feces = Be Em (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Go Away! x Willy Wanka = Beat It! (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va; Jonathan Jensen)

Buzz Aldrin x Courtesy Flush = Number Two (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.; Jonathan Jensen; Mike Hammer)

TheWrightBrothels x = WhoresWithNoName (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

Chateauneuf DuPeep x By the Toe = Chateau LaFeet (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

ConceivedInLiberty x Have a Nice Nay = Conceived in Texas (Mark Raffman)

Peter Rose x = Bettor Left Unsaid (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

De Beers x Famous Anus = Anheuser Tush (Steve Price)

Six-Pack Abes x Pooperstown = Lincoln Logs (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Mike Hammer)

Six-Pack Abes x De Beers = Lincoln Lagers (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Willy Wanka x Famous Anus = Tugger Carlson (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Xana-don't x Hardonnay = Kublai Kan't (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

I Know My Wrights! x Toot Sweet = Frank Cloyed (Jesse Frankovich)

This Just In x Your Entry Stank = Dreck Deposit (Jesse Frankovich)

All-Day Sucker x Reese's Feces = Lolliplop (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Belly Lugosi x Standby Your Man = Tummy Wynette (Steve Price)

Ponce de Freon x Standby Your Man = Clammy Wynette (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Belly Lugosi x Suks = AbHorrorsAVacuum (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Get the Plunger x By the Toe = Clogs (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

Famous Anus x Hops = Keister Bunny (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Gotta Halve It x Gore = WTF, Solomon? (Stephen Dudzik)

Hath No Fury x Styx With It = Calm Sail Away (Andrew Rosenberg)

Xana-don't x Hath No Fury = Xana-x (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Hops x Pooperstown = Also Trots & Runs (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Magnum, PIN x Your Entry Stank = Magnum O'Pus (Pam Sweeney)

OneScytheFitsAll x Mobius Trip = OneSideFitsAll (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Leak House x Chevy Impaler = Urinal AutoTrouble (Frank Osen)

Razor Thin Mints x Reese's Feces = Skip THAT House! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

He Who Smelted It x Nosh = Ore d'Oeuvres (Jonathan Paul)

Vladimir Tootin x De Beers = Bock in the USSR (Chris Doyle)

All-Day Sucker x 'Tis My Hero = All-Day Succor (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

'Tis My Hero x Frottage Industry = Tease My Hero (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

BBQAnon x = Nothingburger (Jonathan Paul)

x Gotta Halve It = Still (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Africadabra x Dorbell = Kenya Get That? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen)

All-Day Sucker x One Rude Scent = Lolly Gagger (Bill Dorner; Mike Hammer)

Junior High x At the Buzzard = Picking on Me (Judy Freed)

Frottage Industry x BBQAnon = Dry Rub (Tom Witte)

Willy Wanka x BBQAnon = Pulled Pork (Pam Sweeney)

Belly Lugosi x Counterfatter = Draculard (Larry Rifkin)

Blob the Builder x Dorbell = Ooze There? (Eric Nelkin)

Buzz Aldrin x Standby Your Man = OneSmallStepfordMa (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

By the Toe x Leak House = Wee Wee Wee (Mark Raffman)

By the Toe x Ponce de Freon = A Kick in de Ponce (Diana Oertel)

Shiva Me Timbers x By the Toe = Pall Bunion (Jeff Shirley; Judy Freed)

ConceivedInLiberty x Counterfatter = Live Free or Diet (Chris Doyle)

ConceivedInLiberty x Knead It = Born and Bread (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

ConceivedInLiberty x Working Mime to 5 = Dolly Partum (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

De Beers x Godiva = DiamondInTheBuff (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I Want S'more x Drunk and Orderly = S'nore (Sarah Walsh)

Neat-O x Famous Anus = Tidy Bowel (Frank Osen)

Famous Anus x Pounce de Leon = A-hole New World (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Famous Anus x Your Entry Stank = Your Exit's Worse (Brian Cohen)

Ghosted x Razor Thin Mints = GhoulScoutCookies (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Gore x One Rude Scent = Inconvenient Toot (Eric Nelkin)

Go Away! x Gotta Halve It = Cleave Me Alone! (Karen Lambert)

Junior High x One Rude Scent = PUberty (Eric Nelkin)

Ponce de Freon x Neat-O = Cool! (Tom Witte)

One Rude Scent x So Nada = Calvin DeKlein (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Flush Gordon x Get the Plunger = Got Gordon Back (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Pitching Woo x Willy Wanka = Romancing the Bone (Jeff Hazle)

And Last: Peter Rose x Your Entry Stank = Peter Fell (Jeff Rackow)

The headline "Wry Bred" is by both Brian Cohen and Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 18: our Week 71 contest to write multiple-choice questions in the style of the ones on NPR's "Wait Wait * Don't Tell Me," with host Peter Sagal weighing in with his favorites. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Duncan Stevens)
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title: (Brian Cohen; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1589, Published 05/09/2024
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The Invitational Week 71: Wait Wait Right Here!
Write some 'Not My Job' questions a la the NPR quiz show -- and host Peter Sagal will help us judge. Plus winning replacements for tired cliches.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 09, 2024
20th Anniversary Party For "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"
Hello. As you may know, Peter Sagal, host of of NPR's "Wait, Wait * Don't Tell Me," the weekly program that's a cross between a current-events quiz show and the Algonquin Round Table, is a longtime friend of The Gene Pool. He has agreed to help judge this week's contest, which is, not coincidentally, about "Wait, Wait * Don't Tell Me," specifically one of the show's most popular recurring comic quizzes.

That segment is called "Not My Job," in which a celebrity is asked multiple-choice questions about something comically different from the celeb's own field, as when actor Renee Elise Goldsberry was quizzed about buried gold. Each week, the questions sound something like these:

Some schools do their utmost to protect their students -- as when, in 2010, an English headmistress did what?
A. She discouraged abductors by issuing every child a stun gun.
B. She changed the school uniform to a padded "marshmallow suit" to cushion the kids against bumps and bruises.
C. She ordered black bars placed over the children's eyes in yearbook pictures, thus ruining the photos for child pornographers.
Correct answer: C (The Daily Mail)

What went wrong when an Iowa farmer recently ran unopposed for the local school board?
A. He resigned immediately after being elected, explaining that he hadn't realized the job would involve going to meetings.
B. No one voted in the election -- even he didn't.
C. He lost as a result of a campaign by neighborhood kids who encouraged voters to write in SpongeBob SquarePants instead.
Correct Answer: B (Des Moines Register)

For Invitational Week 71: Compose a multiple-choice question about a Ridiculous but True fact or event -- recent or historical -- along with two entertaining wrong answers as well as the right one, as in the examples above, which were from the one time we did this contest before, in 2016. (They're by Lawrence McGuire and Duncan Stevens, respectively.) We're not in a position to fact-check your Real Thing, so you'll need to show us a credible source for your RBT fact (e.g., a link to Wikipedia or a news story). And you will, of course, tell us the correct answer.

You can hear and read lots of other "Wait Wait" quizzes by clicking on the show's podcast link here. And see the results of our previous WWDTM contest -- they're classic.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-71. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. (Don't worry about our usual format of one entry per line; format each entry more or less as in the example above, and don't forget to note the source of your information.)

The winner gets a piece of NPR swag, autographed by Peter Sagal! We can't show it to you now because Peter is maniacally combing through his office clutter to find Just The Right Crap.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Stop the Stale! New expressions from Week 69
In Invitational Week 69 we asked you to replace your choice of overused, tired phrases with fresher, more current and/or entertaining ones.

Third runner-up:
Old: The writing's on the wall.
New: The ketchup's on the wall. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
As useful as tits on a bull > As useful as a cup holder on a roller coaster (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
Threw him under the bus > Took him to the gravel pit and shot him in the face. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the green plushie neuron:
Pain in the ass > Two-factor authentication. "Madison, stop whining! You're being a real two-factor authentication today." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Trite, Trite Again: Honorable mentions
Catch a break > Wordle in 2: "The boss never realized you were AWOL? Really Wordled in 2 there." (Duncan Stevens)

15 minutes of fame > 60 seconds of influence (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The bottom line is * > The sum total of the fuckery is * (Sam Mertens)

All hat and no cattle > All flag and no Constitution (Leif Picoult)

He has one foot in the grave > He might as well boo Putin in the Duma (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic > Replacing the House Speaker (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

The devil is in the details > The devil is in Page 2 of the Google results (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

More bang for the buck > More whoopee for the rupee (Duncan Stevens)

The straight and narrow > The hetero and cis (Kevin Dopart)

He's getting nowhere > He's talking on Mute (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

The elephant in the room > the farter in the courtroom (Chris Doyle)

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer > Not even the sharpest spoon in the drawer (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

He thinks he's God's gift to women > He thinks he's a "star" (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Like a bat out of Hell > Like a bat out of Wuhan (Kevin Dopart)

She let the cat out of the bag > Her cat felt like leaving the bag, I guess (Michael Stein)

A riddle wrapped in an enigma > A riddle wrapped in clamshell packaging (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

It goes without saying that * > It's obvious as a bloody stool that * (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I would bet the farm > I'd max out my FanDuel account (Lee Graham)

Low-hanging fruit > a Monday crossword. "You're selling your kid's Girl Scout cookies outside the cannabis dispensary? That is so Monday-crossword." (Chris Doyle)

Kill two birds with one stone > Eradicate two ecosystems with one executive order (Kevin Dopart)

It is what it is > It's the paradigmatic tautology (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

At the end of the day > At the end of days -- Speaker Mike Johnson (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Like a bat out of hell > Like a gull to a french fry (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Run around like a chicken with its head cut off > Play for the Wizards (Leif Picoult)

We're in the same boat > We're under the same bus (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Went over like a lead balloon > Went over like a porcupine petting zoo (Jonathan Jensen)

The shit hit the fan > The Mentos fell in the Coke (Sam Mertens)

Bark up the wrong tree > Blame it on George Soros (Chris Doyle)

Talk turkey > Talk Turkiye (Kevin Dopart)

The chickens have come home to roost > The bird flu carriers are here (Sam Mertens)

Up the creek without a paddle > On the can with just one square (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Watching paint dry > Watching your iOS update (Kevin Dopart)

Costs an arm and a leg > Costs more than Bezos makes in a whole minute (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The headline "Stop the Stale!" is by Tom Witte; both Kevin Dopart and Beverley Sharp submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 11: our Week 70 "grandfoal" wordplay contest to "breed" the winning foal names of Week 68. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1588, Published 05/02/2024
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The Invitational Week 70: Colt Fusion
Because of our munificence and guilt, you get a full hundred foal names to 'breed' for 'grandfoals'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 02, 2024

Screenshot of two kissy steeds we saw on a Facebook video.
Hello. Welcome to the finish line of the 31st Invitational Derby. As always, we challenged you to "breed" any two names from a list of 100 three-year-old racehorses initially considered for this year's Kentucky Derby . . . and then name the foal.

As always, there was a hemorrhage of entries, 1,769 of them, a daunting proportion of which were excellent. The Empress and The Czar made their first ruthless cut, eliminating all but the very, very, unquestionably best, thinking perhaps they had trimmed it to manageable length. Alas, they found they'd wound up with 260 names, far, far more than what the page and your patience could bear.

The Em and Cz then went back in, with gloves and goggles and chainsaws. It was an abattoir. Blood and flesh and bone fragments flew everywhere. And we still had 138. We felt the way Kristi Noem should have felt in dragging her puppy to the gravel pit. So we capitulated to ourselves. And now you get the benefit of our guilt, and lack of spine or bloodlust. We are running 100 inking entries instead of the usual sixty-five or seventy.

Which sets you up generously for the annual spinoff:

For Invitational Week 70: "Breed" any two of today's inking foal names and give the "grandfoal" a name that reflects both names, just as the foal names do. We even have a nice printable list of this week's foals right here (or type in tinyurl.com/inv-list-70).

Just as with the Week 68 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-70. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

The winner gets three adorable one-inch-long magnets each depicting the latter half of a cat -- so it looks as if their front halves have burst into your refrigerator, filing cabinet, coffin, etc. Donated by the ever-donating Dave Prevar.


They get into everything. The winning grandfoal gets three half-cats.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Sire Mix-a-Lot: The foal names of Week 68
This Saturday is the 150th running of the Kentucky Derby, America's oldest continually held major sporting event (The Invitational is second). Ten of the horses we cast into double-stud service today (they're all male) are scheduled to run; be sure to root for them in gratitude.

Ninety-eight of the 1,769 foals from Week 68 were sired by Awesome Wind, this year's busiest Invite dad. Thanks yet again to Loser Jonathan Hardis, who wrote a program back in 2015 to sort all the entries and otherwise wrestle them into a giant anonymous list, thus letting us judge this contest and the grandfoals every year without defenestrating ourselves.

Among the excellent entries too frequently entered to give individual ink to: Count Dracula x Generous Tipper = Blood and Gore; Pirate x Shards = Long John Sliver; Antiquarian x Awesome Wind = Old Fart; Dickens x Secret Lover = Oliver Tryst; Awesome Wind x Marceau = Silent but Deadly. (Don't use any of those names in this week's grandfoal contest.)

Third Runner-Up: Mr. Suds x Sequential = Drunk and Orderly (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Second Runner-Up: Indispensable x For Your Pleasure = Knead It (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First Runner-up: Count Dracula x Awesome Wind = Vladimir Tootin (Rebecca Foster, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the pepperoni pizza earrings:
Dornoch x Next Level = Dorbell (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)


Give It a Whirl x Eliminate = Honorable mentions
Mister Lincoln x Skip the Line = Skip the Play (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Triple Espresso x Rocketeer = Buzz Aldrin (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.)

Awesome Wind x Candymaker = Toot Sweet (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Awesome Wind x Generous Tipper = Zephyr Me? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Awesome Wind x Just Steel = He Who Smelted It (Doug Hembrey, Manassas, Va.)

Awesome Wind x One Red Cent = One Rude Scent (Tom Witte)

Banned for Life x Daily Grind = Persona Non Grater (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Banned for Life x Dornoch = Go Away! (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

Banned for Life x For Your Pleasure = Peter Rose (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Be You x Mr Fabricator = Be Ess (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Candymaker x Epic Ride = Godiva (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

Candymaker x Banned for Life = See's and Desist (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

Candymaker x Eliminate = Reese's Feces (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Candymaker x Hancock = Willy Wanka (Tom Witte; Brian Cohen; Jeffrey Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Catch a Tiger x Footprint = By the Toe (Rebecca Foster)

Fifth Avenue x Liberal Arts = Saks Education (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Count Dracula x Fifth Avenue = Suks (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

Count Dracula x Fifth Avenue = Vampire State Bldg (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Count Dracula x Uncle Heavy = Belly Lugosi (Mary McNamara)

Crushed It x Give It a Whirl = Crushed Ti (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Crushed It x Pirate = Skillz+ Crossbones (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Dickens x Eliminate = Leak House (Steve Price, New York)

Dickens x One Red Cent = David Copper (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Dickens x One Red Cent = Nicholas Pennyby (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Dickens x One Sharp Cookie = I Want S'more (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Domestic Product x Just a Touch = Frottage Industry (Jonathan Paul)

Dornoch x Secret Lover = Ho's There (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Eliminate x El Grande = Get the Plunger (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Eliminate x Rocketeer = Flush Gordon (Rob Wolf)

Endlessly x Count Dracula = All-Day Sucker (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Epic Ride x Count Dracula = Chevy Impaler (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Epic Ride x For Your Pleasure = Space Mountin' (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Epic Ride x Mr Fabricator = The Phony Express (Jonathan Paul)

Evening News x For Your Pleasure = This Just In (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Feel the Magic x Just a Touch = Slight of Hand (Judy Freed)

Fierceness x Just Steel = Grrrder (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Fifth Avenue x Mr. Suds = De Beers (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Forever Young x Catch a Tiger = Pounce de Leon (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Forever Young x Uncle Heavy = Paunch de Leon (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Forever Young x Frost Free = Ponce de Freon (Steve Smith)

Forever Young x Mannerly = Fountain of Couth (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)

Generous Tipper x Count Dracula = Gore (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

Gettysburg Address x Candymaker = Four Skor (Seth Christenfeld)

Gettysburg Address x Lonesome Boy = 4 Scores in 7 Yrs (Mark Raffman)

Gettysburg Address x Secret Lover = ConceivedInLiberty (Diana Oertel)

Give It a Whirl x Domestic Product = Ferris Weal (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Hades x Evening News = Damned Rather (Mary McNamara)

Hades x Nice and Good = Hath No Fury (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.; Jeffrey Rackow)

Hades x Nice and Good = Heck (Rob Wolf)

Hades x Resilience = Styx With It (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Hades x Sequential = Hell MNOP (Charles Trahan, Columbia, Md.)

Hades x Sneak Preview = Junior High (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Hall of Fame x Eliminate = Pooperstown (Jesse Frankovich, traveling in Lexington, Ky.)

Indispensable x Jigsaw = Gotta Halve It (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Just a Touch x Common Defense = WhenYou'reFamous* (Jon Gearhart)

Just Steel x One Sharp Cookie = Razor Thin Mints (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Kitty Hawk x For Your Pleasure = TheWrightBrothels (Steve Price)

Kitty Hawk x Legalize = I Know My Wrights! (Stephen Dudzik)

Mannerly x Give It a Whirl = Courtesy Flush (Mark Raffman)

Mannerly x Skip the Line = Please and Queues (Jesse Rifkin)

Skip the Line x Sequential = Seuential (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Mannerly x Vote No = Have a Nice Nay (Judy Freed)

Marceau x Daily Grind = Working Mime to 5 (Brian Cohen)

Marceau x Secret Chat = (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Mike Gips)

Moonlight x Vote No = So Nada (Matt Monitto)

Mr. Suds x Mister Lincoln = Six-Pack Abes (Leif Picoult)

Mr. Suds x Skip the Line = Hops (Jeffrey Rackow)

Mr Fabricator x Dickens = Miss Have a Sham (Jeffrey Rackow)

Nash x One Sharp Cookie = Nosh (Seth Christenfeld)

Neat x Midnight Love = Neat-O (Tom Witte)

No More Time x Reaper = At the Buzzard (Jeff Hazle)

One Sharp Cookie x Eliminate = Famous Anus (Brian Cohen)

Prints Money x Uncle Heavy = Counterfatter (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Reaper x Pirate = Shiva Me Timbers (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Reaper x Works for Me = OneScytheFitsAll (Jonathan Paul)

Rocketeer x Neat = Straight Up (Mark Raffman)

Secret Lover x The Wine Steward = Zinfidelity (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Sequential x Mr Fabricator = Fibbin'acci (Matt Monitto)

Sierra Leone x Feel the Magic = Africadabra (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Slider x Secret Lover = Pitching Woo (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Stoke the Fire x Mr Fabricator = BBQAnon (Stephen Dudzik)

The Wine Steward x Brawn = Brut Force (Diana Oertel)

The Wine Steward x Candymaker = Chateauneuf DuPeep (Frank Osen)

The Wine Steward x Just Steel = Hardonnay (Jeff Shirley)

The Wine Steward x T O Password = Magnum, PIN (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

Tiz My Hero x Perfectify = 'Tis My Hero (Mark Raffman)

Tourist x Endlessly = Mobius Trip (Jesse Frankovich)

Track Phantom x Lonesome Boy = Ghosted (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Md.; Malcolm Fleschner)

Trust Fund x Secret Lover = Tryst Fund (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.; Tom Witte)

Two Tons of Fun x Generous Tipper = Lardgesse (Tom Witte)

Utopian x Count Dracula = Fangri-La (Laurie Brink)

Uncle Heavy x Mr Fabricator = Blob the Builder (Frank Osen; Ted Weitzman)

Utopian x Vote No = Xana-don't (Jeffrey Rackow)

Waitlist x Generous Tipper = Table Just Opened! (Jon Gearhart)

Waitlist x Tiz My Hero = Standby Your Man (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: Eliminate x Give Me a Reason = Your Entry Stank (Rob Cohen)

The headline "Sire Mix-a-Lot" is by Jesse Frankovich; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 4: our Week 69 contest to replace tired old expressions with fresh ones. Click on the link below.

Special clarifying note from the Czar about Week 69. Listen up: A Loser wrote in to us about the ongoing "Trite Stuff" contest, asking for a clarification on what we meant by specifying "no aphorisms."

Here's what we meant: We meant we don't want you to update old sayings or old saws that are so old you don't read or hear them much anymore, like "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," or "a stitch in time saves nine," or "early to bed, early to rise*" Instead, we're looking for expressions -- even full sentences -- that are used way too often today. Things we cringe at hearing. Most are trendy, like the examples we gave: "Walk us through" a document. "Drill down" to further examine an issue. Have something happen "in the wake of" something that happened before. Replace the quoted words, phrases, sentences with something new and funny. Okay? Cool.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
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Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: (Jonathan Hardis)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1587, Published 04/25/2024
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The Invitational Week 69: The Trite Stuff
Replace some well-worn phrases with better ones. Plus winning neologisms.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
APR 25, 2024
Walla Walla, Washington: 14 Best Things To Do - Written Palette
This town turns less welcoming when its name gets tweaked as one of this week's neologism winners. See the Invitational results below.
Hello.

Welcome to Week 69, a new wrinkle on an old theme. We thought of it while reading a couple of news websites and being mildly nauseated by some of the tired, cliched language we saw.

Replace "The devil is in the details" with "The devil is in the terms of service."
Avoid like the plague > Avoid like a coughing dentist in 2020.
Breathed a sigh of relief > Chugged a phew.
Burst out laughing > Saw Trump's hair in a stiff wind.

It's so easy -- and so lazy -- to reach for some overused phrase when you're writing. Not that we would do that even once in a blue moon. Cliches in our writing are scarce as hens' teeth!

For Invitational Week 69: Choose any writing cliche and propose a funny replacement, as in the examples above. Here are just a few that came to mind:

Fall in love
It all boils down to
Frightened to death
In the wake of
Walk you through
Drill down
It remains to be seen

You can use any of those, or any other you choose, so long as it is overused in speech or writing. (We are not looking for aphorisms! Send us no replacements for "an apple a day*" or "a stitch in time*")

Deadline is Saturday, May 4, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 9.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-69. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Format them as "Old saying > new saying" as in the examples above.

The winner gets a bright green plush, googly-eyed nerve cell, 1 million times actual size, which makes it about 3 inches long not counting its fringey feelers. If you've been singing "If I only had the noiv," like Bert Lahr, you could find out. Donated by the chronically neuronic Dave Prevar.


If you win, we'll make you really nervous.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Shift Happens: The back-to-front neologisms of Week 67
In Week 67 we asked you to choose any word or short phrase, move its last letter to become the first letter, then define the result.

Third runner-up: AWALL AWALL: There's no "Welcome to" sign in this Washington town. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Second runner-up: OGIZM: An extremely exciting thingamajig. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

First runner-up: EW: "I don't see us as a couple." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

And the winner of the Nose Condom and some Loser Magnets:
BADLI: How one typically speaks when unprepared. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Back Sassward: Honorable mentions
YALMIGHT: Introductory admonition: "Yalmight wanna get right with God before you wind up in a lake of fire, just sayin'." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

SVENU: The Norse love god. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Y'MAMA'S B.O.: A smell only a big baby like you could love. (Jesse Frankovich)

EAT ON!: What you really want to do on Yom Kippur. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

DADJUDICATE: "Because I said so. Case closed." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

SHIT: All the Top 40 songs since I graduated from college. (Sam Mertens)

D'OH, GOO!: What Homer Simpson says when he thinks things are going great and then he steps in a pile of it. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

EARS: "My words go in here, but they always seem to come right out your other end." (Judy Freed)

EEW: A sheep that tried to cross the highway. (Barbara Turner)

GEDIT IN!: Sure, you have to order your reporters to be fair and accurate, but mostly * (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

GEMPHASIZIN': Showing off one's bling. "Wanda was wavin' her hand so much while gemphasizin' that engagement ring, I expected traffic to stop." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

GLANS IN: The sex capital of Michigan. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

ALABI: "I would have found my way around there if only I hadn't lost my glasses." (Judy Freed)

GOBJECTIN: Viscous substance emitted during angry shouting. (Gary Crockett)

COPE: "Gas prices are going up again -- deal with it." (Sam Mertens)

D-DONAL: "With this name you'd think I'd give stutterers a break, but not me!" (Gary Crockett)

DEJA CULATE: The feeling that you've already finished. (Jesse Frankovich)

TAT-TEMP: Someone who's just filling in at the body-ink studio. "Relax, I'm sure it will turn out fine. He took an art class at the community college." (Pam Shermeyer)

RUBE: Someone who tries to hail a ride from New York to L.A. (Jesse Frankovich)

MIB: Men in Blue. (Craig Dykstra)

'NOPE' RATIO: The fraction of men who will not even consider getting a vasectomy. (Gary Crockett)

O HELL: How you answer the phone when it's your ex calling. (Jonathan Jensen)

OPREST: What it's like to be a magician's rabbit. (Craig Dykstra; Jesse Frankovich)

OSCARJ: Megastar actress who lives in a trash can. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

SCAT: A legendarily crappy movie. (Duncan Stevens)

SEXPENSE: Hush money -- I mean "legal retainer." (Leif Picoult)

SHERPE: A known virus carrier. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

AEROTIC: The kind of magazines they read at the Mile High Club. (Duncan Stevens)

SPLATYPU: Australian roadkill. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

SUNDERPANT: To bust your rear -- or long for a divorce. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

TA-DA MAN: "See, I told you I could do it!" (Judy Freed)

TARROGAN: An assertive herb that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. "Jack was lots of fun at the barbecue until he started pouring on the tarrogan." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Jon Gearhart)

TEXCREMEN: Greg Abbott, Ken Paxton, Ted Cruz * (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

TEXT-ROVER: Someone who sends rambling updates overflowing with intimate details. (Jeff Contompasis)

TWINGLE: The glint in the sky from a falling piece of a Boeing. (Kevin Dopart)

USN AF: When a major command screwup causes service members to sigh and say, "That's so Navy." (Duncan Stevens)

Hllanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoc: Possibly something really insulting in Welsh? (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

The headline "Shift Happens" is by Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 27: our Week 68 wordplay contest to "breed" the names of this year's Triple Crown-eligible racehorses and name the "foal." Click on the link below.


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Prize: (Dave Prevar)
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Week 1586, Published 04/18/2024
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The Invitational Week 68: Pun for the Roses
Our annual crazy-popular horse 'breeding' wordplay contest. Plus winning anagrams.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 18, 2024

From a 1938 Kentucky Derby advertising poster. War Admiral's sire: Man O' War. (Not Invite-level clever.)
Breed Triple Crown nominees Gettysburg Address and Midnight Love and name their foal Four Scores

Triple Espresso x Next Level = Caffeine^8

Hancock x Stoke the Fire = Stroke the Fire

--

Hello.

The Kentucky Derby has been run every single year since 1875. And while we at The Invitational are almost 149 years old ourselves, our "breeding" contest -- our most popular contest of the year -- has been running for only 29 of them. Our game is based on the tradition of naming racehorses by alluding to the name of either or both parents -- e.g., Perfectify, one of this year's horses, is the son of Above Perfection and Justify -- but we take it to the Next Level (another on this year's list) with puns and other zingy wordplay galore.

For Invitational Week 68: At this link (tinyURL.com/inv-horses-2024) is a list of 100 of the hundreds of 3-year-old thoroughbred racehorses initially considered for the 2024 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, they're almost all male, so no, they won't actually be romancing in the future. Anyway, it's all about the names; we have no interest in the attributes of the actual horses.) You may submit as many as 25 pairings.

On the same link above, beneath the list of the horses' names: For your Guidance, Inspiration, and Just Plain Entertainment* are the inking entries from last year's contest. There are dozens and dozens, so if you're unfamiliar with our foal contest, you'll see what we're looking for. (Last year's winner, courtesy of Jesse Frankovich: Disarm x I Don't Get It = Stumped.)

Note these Hard 'n' Fast Rules!
-- As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps).

-- Please write each entry in the A x B = C format of the examples above so we can sort the thousands of entries by horse-parent name.

-- Don't give a foal a name that's also on the list; such an entry never gets ink.

Deadline is Saturday, April 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 2, two days before Derby Day.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-68. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

That week's new contest will be our annual "grandfoal" challenge to breed any two of the winning names. (So if you're not a yearly Gene Pool subscriber, a measly $5 one-month subscription will let you enter the foal and grandfoal contests, plus get all the other Pool noodles.)

The winner of this year's Kentucky Derby gets a cool $3.1 million. The winner of our contest gets a cool pair of pizza earrings, complete with clips you can hang them from if your lobes are holeless.


Sorry, not kosher for Passover: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Maim Brands: The product anagrams of Week 66
In Week 66 we asked you to rearrange the letters of a product or business name, then describe the resulting anagram.

Third runner-up:
FRANK'S HOT SAUCE > ANUS AFTERSHOCK: You definitely don't want to put this on everything. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)

Second runner-up:
ROKU > R U OK? A service that checks on you if you've been holed up bingeing TV shows for a week and a half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
GOD BLESS THE USA BIBLE > OBESE BAG'S SHILL DEBUT: A grifter's attempt to cash in on credulous followers. "And the Lord did command that all of the children of Israel fork over $60 to help their leader float a bond for his porn-star hush-money trial." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Toilet Hunting seated target-shooting game:
CHARMIN > HI, MR. CAN!: New from Procter & Gamble -- talking toilet paper! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


INVITATIONAL > NO, I AIN'T VITAL: Honorable mentions
KAY JEWELERS > WEASEL JERKY: The restaurant chain that's de rigueur for dinner dates in Mississippi: "Every kiss begins with Weasel Jerky." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

BUDWEISER > WIDE RUBES: The heavy beer for light thinkers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

LEVI'S > EVILS: Jeans that make your butt look even bigger than you imagined. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

SHELL OIL COMPANY > HEY, MAN, COOL SPILL!: No oil-shaming with our ocean cleanup service! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TOOTSIE POPS > POOPSIE TOTS: For some reason, the dog seems to like these treats. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AMAZON PRIME > MAIZE MA PORN: An internet channel where women do naughty things with corncobs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

APPLE VISION PRO > A NIPPLE PROVISO: A VR set that comes with a porn-only stipulation. (Duncan Stevens)

BANK OF AMERICA > I AM FAKE, CAN ROB: A bot that will helpfully clean out your savings account. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

BUDWEISER > US BE WEIRD: Anheuser-Busch's new line of tofu-cheese beer. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

BUTTERFINGER > BUTTFINGERER: Let's just say you shouldn't pass them out on Halloween. (Jesse Frankovich)

FIRESTONE > RISE OFTEN: Rubber the right way with our boutique condom and ED products. (Kevin Dopart)

CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT > RICH MAN'S FLAT TOUR: Book your visit now to Trump's penthouse bathroom to see where he does his business. Make checks payable to the State of New York. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

COOL WHIP > LOCO WHIP: A THC-laced dessert topping that goes great on brownies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

DAVE'S KILLER BREAD > DEVILLED BARK EARS > ABRADED ELK LIVERS: High-fiber spreads for high-fiber toast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

DIOR > ROID: The ultimate high-fashion bodybuilder's brief. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

DUNKIN > UNKIND!: With every donut, we serve up some snide comments about your spare tire. (Beverley Sharp)

FIDELITY INVESTMENTS > INFIDELITY VESTMENTS: Our line of lingerie will yield solid dividends! (Jesse Frankovich)

FROOT LOOPS > STOOLPROOF: Delicious sugary-sweet low-fiber breakfast cereal that'll block you up for sure. (Jeff Contompasis)

GUINNESS STOUT > IGNEOUS STUNTS: The finest beer for flaming farts. (Chris Doyle)

JELL-O > O-JELL: With this personal lubricant, there's always room for * everything. (Tom Witte)

Lancome > CalmOne: Xanax-infused lotions and fragrances. (Chris Doyle)

MERRILL LYNCH, PIERCE, FENNER & SMITH INCORPORATED > PLENTY-HARD ERECTION-CINCH PILLS FOR MERRIER MEN: Perform like a bull! (Jesse Frankovich)

MOLSON BEER > BOOMER LENS: Opticians specializing in geezers' beer goggles. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

MYPILLOW CLASSIC > I SIMPLY CALL COWS: When counting sheep isn't working, this model takes it up a level. (Duncan Stevens)

NATURE MADE > MANURED TEA: You said you wanted organic, right? Just don't let it steep for too long. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

NETFLIX > LEFTNIX: Tucker Carlson's new streaming service. (Jesse Frankovich)

POP-TARTS > POT PARTS: These pastries' special filling makes you even hungrier! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

RALPH LAUREN > HER LUNAR PAL: Feel classy all over and under with designer sanitary pads. (Kevin Dopart)

TRUTH SOCIAL > OR A SHIT CULT: Six of one * (Neal Starkman)

UNDER ARMOUR SPORTSWEAR > MR. POOTER URANUS DRAWERS: Underwear with a methane filter. (Jon Gearhart)

The headline "Maim Brands" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 20: our Week 67 contest to move the last letter of a word to the beginning, and define the new word. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

InvisibleInk!
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Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
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VisibleInk!


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Week 1585, Published 04/11/2024
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The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear
Move the last letter of a word to the front. Plus winning poems about artworks.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 11, 2024

<< Picture of "Woman Bitten by a Serpent sculpture by Auguste Clesinger >>

A runner-up in our Invitational contest for poems about works of art. See the rest of the Week 65 winners below. (Sculpture in the Musee d'Orsay, Paris)

O-RING: A band that holds a group together but is the weakest part of it. (Craig Dykstra)

SNIPPLE: Babies agree: the Best Stuff on Earth. (Kyle Bonney)

LB.-AGE: What you'll add from overeating breakfast carbs. (John McCooey)

Ever since those results from our 1998 change-one-letter contest started to move around "cyberspace" on "e-mail" and then on "the World Wide Web" -- and still pop up in corrupted form -- The Invitational has been known best for neologism contests, especially ones that ask you to take an existing word and alter it slightly to make a new word, usually relating somehow to the original.

Here's a variation that we did only one time, back in 2011. Maybe it was because we thought the results were so good that we worried we couldn't match them. Maybe we just forgot. Anyway, have at it.

For Invitational Week 67: Move the last letter of a word, phrase, or name to the front, and then define the result, as in the examples above from the original contest above (full results here). You can alter punctuation or capitalization.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-67. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, April 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 25.

Winner gets a little pink "Nose Condom," "for the safe practice of brown nosing." Complete with testimonials on the packaging like "Six months ago my boss didn't know I existed. Now it's weekends on his yacht." Donated (unused) by Dave Prevar. Warning: Don't Google this or you will get a very different product. This is such a lousy prize, even by our standards, that we'll throw in some vintage Loser Magnets.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

MoMA Mia! The artwork poems of Week 65
In Week 65 we asked you to choose any artwork we could run a picture of, and write a funny poem about it. The results were spectacular, as you will see. It turns out that Losers, in addition to being famous smart-asses, know more than a bit about art.

Third runner-up:
"Woman Bitten by a Serpent":
You never know when you're gonna be bitten,
Or tempted or taunted or suddenly smitten.
But one thing's for sure: if a snake's in the grass,
You'd better be certain to cover your ass.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla)

Second runner-up:
Tracey Emin's "My Bed" at the Tate museum in Liverpool, 2016. Photo by Richard Stonehouse, Getty Images
"My Bed"
Tracey Emin broke all the rules from the start,
Thus becoming an enfant terrible of art.
Spending four days in bed drinking nothing but booze,
She declared it was art and got stellar reviews.
"My Bed" is unmade, stained with menstrual blood,
And the floor's strewn with underwear, condoms and crud.
The furor she caused, though, was quick to abate,
And today it's worth eight million pounds to the Tate.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
"White Painting [three panel]," by Robert Rauschenberg
"It's brilliant, Bob!" gushed the curator on the phone.
"Daylight and shadow make a shifting tone-on-tone!"
Puzzled at his praise, I glanced at the crate
Where my finished artwork still sat in wait.
The couriers must have grabbed the other box,
The one with three blank canvases fresh from the docks!
Pausing just briefly, I said, "Gerald, you're too kind.
But I'm glad you see precisely what I designed!"
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the "Scream" finger puppet:

"Grey Lines with Black, Blue, and Yellow":
Like so many of Georgia O'Keeffe's works of art,
This resembles a delicate feminine part.
But she swore that it's simply a flower revealed;
As to anything further, her lips remain sealed.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

ILL AT EASEL: Honorable mentions

Two reflections on "The Creation of Adam" by Michelangelo:

The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
Has a fresco that's a zinger --
What is it that Adam's saying?
I suspect it's "Pull my finger."
(Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

If Adam had a mother not,
That navel must be Photoshopped!
If he was first, who took this shot?
It's time this AI crap is stopped!
(Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

"Luncheon on the Grass" by Edouard Manet:
What have we here, in shades of green
With blue, and yellow ocher?
A woman who from this day forth
Will never play strip poker.
(Jonathan Jensen)

"The Scream", by Edvard Munch:
Flouting painter pedagogy,
Munch produced the first emoji.
(Gary Crockett)

Two reflections on "The Thinker", by Auguste Rodin:

Is there a nobler pursuit than thinking?
Using our brains to examine, unblinking,
The difficult questions of our lives,
Like hit or stand with a six and two fives?
Or in my case, the inner muse chants:
I wonder where you left your pants?
(Pam Shermeyer)

He's naked and having the deepest of thoughts
On some toilet-height solid rock seating.
If sculpted today he'd be on a bidet
And not thinking, just scrolling and tweeting.
(Gary Crockett)

"The Kiss", by Gustav Klimt:
The models were directed: a mouth-to-mouth embrace.
But when he tried to kiss her lips, she quickly turned her face.
With a sore and twisted neck, her panties in a bunch,
She said, "You had to go and have some herring for your lunch?"
(Judy Freed)

"Fountain", by Marcel Duchamp:
At first, to calling "Fountain" art the critics made objection
Because the exhibition's men's room had a whole collection.
(Jesse Frankovich)

"Venus of Willendorf":
It's thirty thousand years or so
Since you were last alive;
If you were here, the Orange Bro
Would rate you a 1.5.
(Duncan Stevens)

the lovers ii, 1928 by rene magritte
"the lovers ii," by rene magritte, 1928
when they met at the bar, they were drunk.
he thought she was cute; she thought "hunk!"
but, in truth, beauty's fleeting.
that's why they make sheeting --
so daylight won't change what they thunk.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"The Abduction of Proserpina", by Bernini:
A scene that strikes a nerve for many ladies:
Persephone is set upon by Hades.
The piece was carved four hundred years ago,
And men still haven't learned that "no" means no.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

"i am," by salvatore garau, 2021 (read about it here)
"i am" was nothing to look at,
on its elegant white stand,
But became a "must haven't" for eighteen grand
When a buyer bought the empty space,
Called a "density of thoughts" -- and with a straight face --
By the artist of the sculpture made only of air,
Who was happy to certify: Nothing was there. (Stu Segal, "Southeast U.S.")


Two reflections on Michelangelo's "David"

I stand here in this gallery in Florence,
Where crowds of tourists, much to my abhorrence
Still come to gawk and laugh at limitations
Apparent on all David imitations
Around the world, with whom I share this linkage:
We're all unwilling poster boys for shrinkage.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Young Abishag was hired for to lie beneath the sheet
Beside the aging David to provide the king with ... heat.
The Bible says that Dave showed no reaction to her touch --
If Mikey's art is true to life, she wasn't missing much.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)


"Hometown Lake" by Thomas Kinkade (see it here)
The price of "Hometown Lake" might rise
Now that Tom's defunct,
Although we're asking post-demise
Why it's not been junked. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Washington Crossing the Delaware", by Emanuel Leutze:
Hey, George, this attack's s'posed to happen at night --
Not so steathy to do it by day!
And what's with the green-shirted dude on the right?
Why's he paddling the opposite way?
(Duncan Stevens)


The "flying skirt" photo of Marilyn Monroe, by Weegee (Arthur Fellig), 1954
In some lines of work, they say, "Dress for success!"
In others, the mantra "Success means undress!"
So Marilyn (never applauded as chaste)
Was caught with her skirt flapping up to her waist.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

"Judith Beheading Holofernes," by Artemisia Gentileschi, c. 1620
She's in the act of slicing through his neck;
On seeing it, my first reaction's "Yech!"
But then that's followed by "Am I psychotic?"
Because it's disconcertingly erotic. (Frank Osen)

"Orange and Yellow" by Mark Rothko (see it here)
"Orange and Yellow" might evoke a vibrant sunny morn,
But I believe it gives a close-up view of candy corn. (Jesse Frankovich)

Edward Hopper's "New York Movie," 1939.
We see ourselves set out among the towers,
Engage the streets, fight for a life and win it.
A half-lived life with unmet chances sours
The mind, and all the aspirations in it.

What--have a dream? She's too tired to begin it.
If she could choose just one from all the powers,
She'd leave her station in a New York minute,
But she must stay for two more goddamned hours.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

A well-intentioned parishioner at a 16th-century Spanish church attempted some art restoration in 2012:
"Hey ma'am, big thanks for painting touch-up!
Your efforts, they were spunky,
Don't bring results of it too much up:
Christ now looks like a monkey.
(Duncan Stevens)


The headline "MoMA Mia!" is by Lee Graham; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 13: our Week 66 contest to make an anagram of a business or product. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 66: Seeds of Change
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

NEXT WEEK, THE HORSES! Next Thursday, April 18, we'll have our annual wordplay contest to "breed" the names of two of this year's Triple Crown-nominated racehorses and name the "foal" that cleverly alludes to both names. Even if you're not a yearly subscriber, you can enter this contest AND the "grandfoal" contest two weeks hence for just the single-month $5 for the whole race card, along with all the other stuff for that whole month. Subscribe now to make sure you get the email notification.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Craig Dykstra; Kyle Bonney; John McCooey)
Title: (Lee Graham)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1584, Published 04/05/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 66: Seeds of Change
Make an anagram of a name-brand product. Plus winning 15-name chains.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 05, 2024

BURPEE'S > PEE RUBS: A diaper rash product.

PREGO SPAGHETTI SAUCE > STAGIER CHEAPO GETUPS: Your one-stop shop for chicken-feather boas and genuine plastic Swaroffsky crystals!

FROSTED MINI-WHEATS > DIRTIEST AF SHOWMEN: Liven up your mornings with an assortment of these goodies -- even better served with a Pop-Tart.

Hello! Today we present a brand-newR contest that we've never done before, at least in the last 6,000 years of The Invitational, though we can't be certain because our memories aren't what they used to be back before we were pre-menopausal and had prostate glands smaller than beanbag chairs. Anyhoo, here's the contest:

Choose any company name or name-brand product and rearrange all its letters into another business or product, and describe it. You might or might not include both the company name and the product name (e.g., either Frosted Mini-Wheats or Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats is fine) but don't do something purely generic, like "spaghetti sauce." While you must use all the letters in the original, you may delete or add punctuation as you like.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-66. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Format them as you'd like to see them published.

Deadline is Saturday, April 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 18.

The winner gets a vintage Toilet Hunting Game, discovered at a thrift store by Invite Fan Since Toddlerhood Valerie Holt. We normally recommend devoting one's reign on the throne to writing Invitational entries, but we're also seeing possibilities for inspiration here.


They TOLD you to improve your aim, right? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Nudge Nudge, Link Link: The name chains of Week 64
In Week 64 we asked you to make a chain of up to fifteen names -- of people, brands, titles of works, etc. -- in which each name somehow related to the one before it, as simply as a similar surname, or something else less obvious: some shared experience, a reference to the person's work, or, best, some clever joke (see Elton JOHN * W.C. Fields below). The chain could begin and end with the same name, or the two ends could relate in some way, even as opposites. Some of the chain-links below might evince a whaaa?; feel free to ask about them today in the comments or questions, and we'll hash them out.

Even though we'd explicitly specified that the chain was to be made up of proper nouns, dozens of entries included such non-names as "genetic code," "urine," and "hand job." (Although, yes, each of those would be a good name for a rock band, and probably is one somewhere.) As Loser Since Year 1 Dave Zarrow noted when the Empress lamented the non-names on Facebook, wondering if people didn't understand the directions: "I was an English major and I assure you I know what a proper noun is. What I don't know is what directions is."

Third runner-up:
Joe Biden; Joe Namath; "Bennie and the Jets"; Elton John; W.C. Fields; "Strawberry Fields Forever"; Darryl Strawberry; Lou Gehrig; "The Pride of the Yankees"; "Death Be Not Proud"; John Donne; Brooks & Dunn; Mel Brooks; "The 2000 Year Old Man"; Joe Biden. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
Barbie; Skipper; "Gilligan's Island," Newton Minow; "The Waste Land"; Baba O'Riley; Ali Baba; Ali Hakim; Curly; the Three Stooges; Trinity; "Oppenheimer." (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Jesus Christ; Christmas; New Year's Day; Election Day; Donald Trump? JESUS CHRIST! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the alligator socks:
Beyonce; "Texas Hold 'Em"; "Poker Face"; Lady Gaga; "Shallow"; Bradley Cooper; Leonard Bernstein; Leonardo DiCaprio; "Gangs of New York"; York Peppermint Pattie; Schroeder; Beethoven; Def Jam; Jay-Z; Beyonce. (Chris Doyle)

Trail of Nears: Honorable mentions
DJT; Melania Trump; Melanie Griffith; Griffith Park; Los Angeles; "Angel from Montgomery"; Rosa Parks; "Parks and Recreation"; Amy Poehler; "The Polar Express"; Tom Hanks; Mister Rogers. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Jack Smith; Captain John Smith; Jamestown; King James; Martin Luther King; Ebenezer Baptist Church; Ebenezer Scrooge; Tiny Tim; Miss Vicki; Victoria Beckham; the Spice Girls; "Who Do You Think You Are"; Donald Trump. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Alex Ovechkin; Magic 8 Ball; Magic Johnson; Boris Johnson; Winston Churchill; Winnie-the-Pooh; Christopher Robin; Christopher Marlowe; William Shakespeare; Puck; Alex Ovechkin. (Stephanie Martin, Arlington, Va., whose only previous Invitational ink was in 1996)

Barbie; Roald Dahl; "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"; Charlie Parker; Tweety Bird; Sylvester Stallone; Rocky and Bullwinkle; Boris Johnson; Blondie; Debbie Harry; "When Harry Met Sally"; Meg Ryan; Ryan Gosling; Ken; Barbie. (Chris Doyle)

Elizabeth Holmes; "Bitch Better Have My Money"; Rihanna; "Shut Up and Drive"; Jack Nicklaus; Jack London; London, England; Queen Elizabeth; Elizabeth Holmes. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Hannibal Lecter; Hannibal the general; Robert E. Lee; Francis Lightfoot Lee; Gordon Lightfoot; Gordon Ramsay. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Harriet Tubman; the Underground Railroad; the Velvet Underground; Lou Reed; "Venus in Furs"; Venus Williams; Essie Mae Washington-Williams; Strom Thurmond. (Roy Ashley)

Henry Gibson; "Laugh-In"; Ruth Buzzi; Babe Ruth; "Baseball"; Ken Burns; Ken; Barbie; "A Doll's House"; Henrik Ibsen. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Batman; Robin Hood; Little John; John Major; 10 Downing Street; White House; "Casablanca"; Ingrid Bergman; Ingmar Bergman; "Wild Strawberries"; Captain Queeg; Cap'n Crunch; Count Chocula; Count Dracula; Batman. (Chris Doyle)

Bruce Springsteen; Boss Tweed; Thomas Nast; Conde Nast; Vogue; Madonna; Bertolli Extra Virgin Olive Oil; Popeye the Sailor Man; Captain Jack Sparrow; Johnny Depp; Hunter S. Thompson, Raoul Duke; "The Dukes of Hazzard"; Boss Hogg; Bruce Springsteen. (Chris Doyle)

Cap'n Crunch; Captain Stubing; "The Love Boat"; Banana Boat; Chiquita Juice & Smoothie; "Beetlejuice;" Lauren Boebert; Quinn Gallagher; "Do That To Me One More Time"; the Captain and Tennille. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Hunter Biden; Holly Hunter; Holly Golightly; Audrey Hepburn; "My Fair Lady"; Judge Judy; Judy Garland; Dorothy; Kansas; "Carry On Wayward Son"; Hunter Biden. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jack Black; "Billy Jack"; Bill Murray; "Stripes"; the White Stripes; Jack White. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"The Art of the Deal"; Art Garfunkel; "America"; Kraft American Cheese; Minecraft; "Mein Kampf." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The Dalai Lama; "Hello, Dolly!"' Carol Channing; "Gentleman Prefer Blondes"; Marilyn Monroe; Joe DiMaggio; Mr. Coffee; Mr. Peanut; George Washington Carver; Sonny Perdue; Frank Perdue; Chicken Little; Josh Hawley. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Josh Hawley; Holly Golightly; "The Light Fantastic"; "Fantastic Mr. Fox"; Fox News; Leni Riefenstahl; Lenny Bruce; Bruce Springsteen; "Born to Run"; Josh Hawley. (Duncan Stevens)

Nancy Pelosi; the Wicked Witch; "The Wizard of Oz"; "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"; Elton John; "Bennie and the Jets"; Jack Benny; Jack the Ripper; Nancy Pelosi. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mao Zedong; Henry Kissinger; Zsa Zsa Gabor; Conrad Hilton; Joseph Conrad; "Heart of Darkness"; "Heartbreak Hotel"; "Hotel California"; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Maria Shriver; Jack Kennedy; Richard Nixon; Mao Zedong. (Kenneth Enright, Setubal, Portugal)

Donald Trump; Donald Duck; Walt Disney; Walt Whitman; "O Captain! My Captain!"; Captain Underpants; "Below the Belt"; Pussy Galore; Donald Trump. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Donald Trump; Ronald McDonald; Michael McDonald; the Doobie Brothers; "What a Fool Believes"; Donald Trump. (Steve Smith)

The Gardens of Versailles; Louis XIV; Le Grand Dauphin; Flipper; Florida Keys; Jimmy Buffett; "Why Don't We Get Drunk"; Rudy Giuliani; Four Seasons Total Landscaping. (Pam Shermeyer)

Tom Thumb; Thumbelina; Hans Christian Andersen; Anderson Cooper; the Mini Cooper; Minnie Mouse; Mao Zedong; Cultural Revolution; Revolutionary War; Paul Revere; Paul Bunyan. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Twitter; the Bluebird of Happiness; "Happy Days"; Henry Winkler; Henry James; James Bond; "Skyfall"; Chicken Little; Malcolm Little; X. (Kevin Dopart)

Yogi Berra; "Damn Yankees"; "You Gotta Have Heart"; "Heart of Gold"; Neil Young; Neil Diamond; Diamond Jim Brady; Jim Henson; Fozzie Bear; Yogi Bear. (Jonathan Jensen)

Batman; Babe Ruth; Homer Simpson; Play-Doh; "The Republic"; Richard Stans; "American Bandstand"; Dick Clark; Clark Kent; Superman. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Debbie Harry; Dirty Harry; "Dirty Dancing"; Baby; Donald J. Trump; Stormy Daniels; Blondie; Debbie Harry. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Zbigniew Brzezinski; Mika Brzezinski; MSNBC; NBC News; New York Daily News; The Daily Planet; Clark Kent; Superman; Mr. Mxyzptlk. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And Last: Vladimir Putin; "Puttin' On the Ritz"; "Young Frankenstein"; Gene Wilder; Gene Weingarten; Czar Nicholas II. (Gary Crockett)

The headline "Nudge Nudge, Link Link" is by Tom Witte; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 6: Our Week 65 contest to write a funny poem about the work of art of your choice. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Neil Kurland)
Prize: (Valerie Holt)
Add:H:1584:(Dave Zarrow)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1583, Published 03/28/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 65: A Thousand Words
Write a funny poem about the artwork of your choice. Plus winning rewrites of the State of the Union.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 28, 2024
Credit: Universal Images Group via Getty Images/Bildagentur-online
Why we're so fond-a
Ms. Gioconda:
Why is this lady smiling?
And why is it so darn beguiling?
Here's a theory (just one):
The painter's fly was undone.

Hello. This week's contest idea is stolen from The Spectator, a British magazine that has been running its humor contest so long that it is is actually older than The Invitational, which is itself older than dirt scraped from Socrates' sandal.

For Invitational Week 65: Write a humorous poem about the work of visual art of your choice; include a link to the picture if it's not, you know, as trite as the Mona Lisa. It can be a painting, a sculpture, or anything else reasonably well known that you define as "art." We are very lenient. Yes, "Dogs Playing Poker" would qualify. Your poem must contain at least one rhyme. The joke in the verse above was, appropriately, stolen by us from Chris Doyle, who made it many years ago in The Style Invitational, which was itself stolen from the New York Magazine Competition.

Good, then.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-65. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Format them as you'd like to see them published.

Deadline is Saturday, April 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 11.

The winner, apropos of our High Art focus this week, gets a Edvard Munch "Scream" character finger puppet. We are angstful to Dave Prevar for the donation.


Seems to fit best on the middle one: This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


The New Word Order: The SOTU rewrites of Week 63
In Week 63 we showed you a transcript of President Biden's State of the Union address and invited you to pluck words from it and rearrange them into some funny statement -- either from an alternate SOTU (as most entries did) or something else. The hundreds and hundreds of results were incredibly clever and funny; the Czar wanted to choose twelve finalists instead of four, until the Empress declared that this would violate some basic rule of God and The Natural Order of the Universe and they fought about it with Biblical ferocity and she won.

Thanks heaps to Loser Gary Crockett, who designed a computer program to check that each entry contained only words that Biden said (we allowed for changes in punctuation and capitalization).

Third runner-up:
What if I put a million soldiers on the border and build a 100-foot wall from Texas to the Pacific? Will any of you Republicans vote for me? No? How about I cut taxes on the wealthy to zero -- would that work? No again? What if I also put an end to Obamacare? What do you say? Still no? Well, I'll be darned! Are you guys all brain-dead or do you just hate me that much? Let's get the hell out of here -- Jill, it's time for us to leave. I'll see you at the car. (Chris Doyle, Denton Tex.)

Second runner-up:
Did you hear about the Jewish mother whose oldest child wanted to become President? She said: "Good for you. I support whatever you choose to do. And I don't want to burden you. But though I've been managing my health without your help, my eyes, face, foot, back, and arms don't feel right, I'm at risk for diabetes and advanced arthritis, and I've been blocked up for three weeks. Having a doctor in the family would not be so bad either. Just saying." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
The next president could give free fentanyl to every baby, equip the military with water guns, and put marijuana farms in every kindergarten class -- and he would still be better than my predecessor. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings that look as if your lobes are being impaled by a cat:
You say I am ancient, but not so! I am certain that Franklin Roosevelt was dead before I was elected to the Senate, and I never even met President Lincoln! I also did not go across the Delaware with that other fellow! I also was not there for the crossing of the Red Sea! I just want to be clear about this. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Groandiloquence: Honorable mentions
I have a dream. In it, I'm elected president again and, like my best friend Putin, can have guys who are in my way dropped from a grand 58-story building -- one that's named after me. -- Donald Trump (Chris Doyle)

The story that the talk show folks all tell:
They say that I was born and live in hell.
I should be jailed for crimes so dark and bad
That learning of them could send most folks mad.
I've led the the Justice group toward one mad goal:
The persecution of a good, kind soul
Who's absolutely very innocent--
So down the pipes this once-great country went.
BUT!
I'm also ancient, though--so sick and old
My brain is gone! I cannot even hold
A thought! By now it's not at all clear whether
I've got the sense to put three words together.
One story or the other they should choose?
Don't have to when you talk for cable news. (Duncan Stevens)

Before voting for any Republican who's endorsed the predecessor, I would choose Snickers bars taken from my behind. -- Democratic voter (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Republicans are saying that I'm so old, my first girl-friend was Bettie Rubble, when the truth is, it was Franklin Roosevelt's sister. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

I can't remember if I put my supporter on tonight. That hands-job woman might crack me in my junk. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Every voter must remember the words of my predecessor, who said (and this is an exact quote): "We are a nation that just heard that Saudi Arabia and Russia will we-be-do-a." (Frank Osen)

"Bragging, it's what I do. I have the best brain, the best chaos, the best bowing. My businesses all do great, not counting most or all of my businesses." (Leif Picoult)

As we look around today, we see war, poverty, crime, disease, climate change, and Republicans. People often ask me: "Mr. President, how are you able to remain optimistic in these times?" I tell them, "Thank God for marijuana!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

I know a lot about inflation stopping, thanks to having a very old member. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Is there an over/under on how many times I'll say "my predecessor" tonight? No? Well, there must be some way I can make money from this. Wait, I know! Products! What if I dropped a Snickers line in there? Can I get away with saying "Nationwide is on your side," or is that too obvious? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

My wife told me our love life could use something new. So I said, "How about a three-way?" She said, "Great idea! You choose the two guys and then you can watch." (Chris Doyle)

I fear for my predecessor. Right now he is very close to Putin, but that may not last long. He might know too much. I'm just saying that, if he goes to Moscow, he should not stand around in a high place with nothing to protect him from falling, if you know what I mean. (Duncan Stevens)

Why would you vote for my predecessor? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? (Gregory Koch)

So you've heard that my predecessor needs money. Half a billion dollars, give or take a few more convictions. So give what you can and let's show how much we love and respect him! (Everyone snickers and goes back to looking at their phones.) (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Folks, the other fellow has it tough right now, and I feel bad for him. What say all 500 people here give him 500,000 dollars each? He really needs the bucks. That would pay almost half of his court penalties, you know, and he will not have to mortgage his house. I hope everyone chips in. (Duncan Stevens)

Private companies are investing billions to build new chip factories in America, but you know what? Even they will probably put fewer chips in the same size bag. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

We are the party of freedom and God,
Of billionaires, guns and the fetus.
So patriots, rise -- with our money and lies
We'll make sure that the Left cannot beat us. (Jonathan Jensen)

As a mother, I fear for our young ones. You should too. This is what can now be found in kindergarten books: "A little to the right ... Some more to the left ... Oh yes ... Yeah ... baby ... Right there ... Oh ... God ... Just like that." Save our innocent children! Keep books banned! -- President, Women's Coalition of Conservatives Standing Against Women Even Though We ARE Women (Judy Freed)

My wife Jill has had it tough, you know. She once went up to a high place with her friend Jackie to bring back some water, and the fellow had a serious accident! His brain got extremely broken! Jill fell down as well but lived to tell the story. You might have heard about this before. (Duncan Stevens)

Good evening, America. I have something important to share with you tonight. Up to now I've always been called "he" and "him." Over the years there's been a change in the way I see myself. From now on I would like everyone to use the words "they" and "them" when talking about me. Jill * is something the matter? (Jonathan Jensen)

I have spoken to Russian President Gorbachev *what is that, Madam Vice President? *oh, President Putin *about the war in Iran* I mean Ukraine* (Jon Ketzner)

My predecessor is the greatest president this country has ever seen. Wait, am I reading that right? I ask your forgiveness. My eyes aren't what they used to be. (Eric Nelkin)

Once, I had this dream where I was being beaten with a scourge in Pier 1, while making love to three nurses from Sweden, one of whom was wrenching a triple-A battery in and out of my behind. I tell you this freely because the other guy's sexual dreams are always about Putin and Hitler. (Frank Osen)

I hate to say this, but the other fellow is not very smart. He is not the sharpest of tools in the small building where you keep things like that. There are brighter electric units on the big cut plant you put in your living room before January. The battery operates, but nobody is home. His card collection has been found to miss a few. You know what I mean. (Duncan Stevens)

What do I plan for my next term? Things that are way from the beaten path. We will put all of our college students in kindergarten again. We will shrink the Capitol to, say, one foot high, and have everyone plant jasmine in their cars. We will give each NATO member fifteen hundred Snickers bars. I am not sure why we will do these things, but it will be great. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Are you a derailed Loser, hungry for ideas for your competition? Let me help you -- just read my State of the Union address, removing choice words and manufacturing something new and different! Conservatives do this to me all the time! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline "The New Word Order" is by Jeff Contompasis; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 30: Our Week 64 name-chain contest. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1582, Published 03/21/2024
---------------------------------------------
Invitational Week 64: You're Workin' on a Chain, Gang
A classic connection game. Plus winning ways to stress yourself out.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 21, 2024

Hello. Welcome to the new Invitational Gene Pool, which is new but also old.

It is the oldest Gene Pool Invitational ever, in fact, so old that it dates from a time when the Gene Pool was not yet even a gene or a zygote or a gamete or a pool or anything, though it might have been recognized as a human life by the state of Alabama. It was, at the time, a contest in New York Magazine, run by a very smart woman named Mary Ann Madden, and she had pioneered a type of contest requiring readers to link names, in a maddeningly brilliant sequence, starting with one name and ending with the same name. At the tender and sullen age of 21 or so, Gene entered this contest, one entry only, which included "U.S. Grant" linked to "Ford Foundation." This link was published in New York Magazine, in the famed New York Magazine Competition, but attributed to someone else. Gene was outraged and pledged to spend the remainder of his miserable life avenging this terrible slight, and he did, starting The Invitational as The Style Invitational, in 1993, vengefully determined to destroy the New York Magazine Competition.

He succeeded, and here we are today. No one alive remembers the New York Magazine Competition, except us, with a little guilt. We have perpetrated several knockoffs of the name-chain contest, including the two versions we'll use today. The first is identical -- start with a name and end with the same name -- and the second is a variation: Start with a name and end with a very, very different name, but one that has some sort of (probably negative) connection with the first:

Colin Kaepernick; "QB VII"; Leon Uris; Leon Panetta; Caspar Weinberger; Casper the Friendly Ghost; the Holy Ghost; God; Pope Francis; Francis Scott Key; "The Star-Spangled Banner"; Colin Kaepernick (Chris Doyle)

Kim Kardashian; Lil Kim; Little Richard; "Good Golly Miss Molly"; Molly Shannon; Shannon, Ireland; Kathy Ireland; Christie Brinkley; Billy Joel; "Allentown"; Steve Allen; Merv Griffin; Eva Gabor; Eddie Albert; Albert Einstein. (Hildy Zampella)

NY Mag called its name chain contest the Game of Dan Greenburg -- the same humorist whose book coincidentally inspired this week's (unrelated) Invitational results below. Here's how we'll do it this time.

For Invitational Week 64: Create a chain of no more than 15 proper nouns -- names of people (real or fictional), products, places, etc. -- in which each name relates somehow to the previous one, as in the examples above from our 2006 name chain contest (results here). What we're looking for is, duh, clever and funny. You may bookend the list either with the same name, as in the first example, or with contrasting ones, as in the second.

We're asking you to briefly explain the less obvious links -- but only at the end of your entry. That way we can judge your entry without seeing the explanation, but be able to peek if we don't get it.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-64. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry -- including any explanations in parentheses -- as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 30, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 4.

The winner gets a handsome pair of socks that appear to be alligator heads eating your ankles. Highly recommended for wearing to your IRS audit.

mens trendy cartoon crocodile pattern crew socks breathable comfy casual unisex socks for mens outdoor wearing all seasons wearing street style 0
Wear them with Crocs? This week's prize. (Temu.com)

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Say Yes to the Stress: The anxiety-producers of Week 62
In Week 62, inspired by Dan Greenburg's 1960s humor classic How to Make Yourself Miserable, we asked for strategies on how to increase anxiety.

Third runner-up: When giving a public speech, imagine that you are naked. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: Start to say something, then notice that the word on the tip of your tongue is staying right there on the tip, but not coming out of your mouth. Immediately assume you have early-onset Alzheimer's. Google "What is the word for when you can't think of the word you want to say" and freak out even more because you knew it was called aphasia but couldn't think of it. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up: If you have financial worries, just stop spending money on your anti-anxiety medication. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of a copy of "How to Make Yourself Miserable": Tell the tattoo artist to "surprise me." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Nervous Nearlies: Honorable mentions
Ask Elon Musk to name your newborn, promising to use whatever name he chooses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Regularly worry that the recurring dream I have about being in school naked is my real life and that my dreams are actually the boring crap I thought was real. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

You worry that your recently published paper on "impostor syndrome" will expose you for the incompetent hack you are. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Do incriminating internet searches like "undetectable poisons" and "how to hide a human body" and hope nothing bad happens to anybody you know for a few years. (Sam Mertens)

My date ordered a roasted garlic appetizer and an entree with garlic sauce. I worry: Is she trying to tell me she doesn't want to kiss me later? Warding me off like I'm a vampire? Or maybe she just likes garlic? Should I go heavy on the garlic, too, signaling that we have something in common? Or will she interpret that as a sign that I don't want to kiss her? But I do want to kiss her. So I guess I should indicate that by not ordering anything with garlic? Maybe I should get something with a mint sauce? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Before embarking on a long drive in risky road conditions, don a pair of tattered, pee-stained underwear. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

When you've climbed halfway up to your second-story roof, the ladder's right leg suddenly sinks two inches. You figure that if you keep your weight toward the left leg, you'll probably be okay. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Write "DEFUND THE POLICE" on your driver's license with a Sharpie, then remove a taillight bulb. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Call your mother. (Jesse Frankovich)

Go to a cemetery. Note all the headstones of people born after you. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I worry that my toenails will stop growing before I reach my goal: flipping the light switch without getting out of bed. (Jon Gearhart)

You worry that if cigar is just a cigar, then your life's work is meaningless, but if it's not, then why do you always have one in your mouth? -- S. Freud (Steve Smith)

If I wanted to make myself really nervous, I'd rearrange the pencils on my desk so that they are no longer in order of length. (Luther Jett, Washington Grove, Md.)

Program a speaker to occasionally play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor when you open your basement door. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ride all night on the New York City subway with only a "Bang!" flag pistol in your pocket to protect you. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Volunteer as a judge in a fugu chef competition. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Volunteer to bring cupcakes to the office for the boss's birthday, then carry them in on a plate, riding your unicycle. (Duncan Stevens)

Send an OK Cupid message to someone you really like. Immediately realize that you sounded like a total dork. Obsess over whether to send a follow-up message. Doubt that someone like him would even read another message from someone as dorky as you. Consider permanently deleting your profile. Worry that if you do, you will most likely die single, alone, and mysteriously bloated. (Judy Freed)

At your wedding, unconditionally trust a fart. (Kevin Dopart)

Summer is almost here and it's time to bring out your swimsuit from the back of your dresser. To calm your nerves, you polish off a sleeve of Oreos. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Take a knee during the National Anthem at a Klan meeting. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Save a few bucks and cancel the home insurance. (Sam Mertens)

Instead of picturing the audience in their underwear, when I give a speech I picture them in my underwear. Not only is this just as ineffective at decreasing anxiety, but then you also face that alarming question: "How did all these people get my underwear?" (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.)

When shopping for a Valentine's Day present for your wife, buy her some chocolates, but also buy a lacy bra and put it under the bed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

When sitting next to Travis Kelce at a Taylor Swift concert, call for "Free Bird." (Jon Ketzner)

When the toilet's clogged, try your luck that an extra flush will clear things and not make them overflow. (Sam Mertens)

You alternately worry that your daughter won't get into an Ivy League school and, if she does, that voters will find out she's attending an Ivy League school. -- T. Cruz (Steve Smith)

You secretly fear there's more to fear than fear itself. -- FDR (Steve Smith)

Take a little blue pill or two before giving your presentation to the League of Women Voters. (Chris Doyle)

And Last: Complain to Pat and Gene that you don't get enough ink. Then, when you still don't get ink, wonder if that's because you complained, or if it's because your entries still suck. (Leif Picoult)

And Even Laster: Should I quit doing this silly contest? If I do, I'll have a little more spare time. I could start a new hobby, maybe pick up a new skill. But after I quit people might THINK I'm still entering, and that I never get ink because all my stuff just sucks. Damn it, am I stuck doing this forever? (Tom Witte, Invitational entrant virtually every week since 1993)

The headline "Say Yes to the Stress" is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 23: Our Week 63 contest for writing funny things by stringing together random words from President Biden's State of the Union address. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle; Hildy Zampella)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1581, Published 03/14/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 63: SOTU-Speak
Use words from Biden's State of the Union speech to write some lines for another oration. Plus winning photo captions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 14, 2024

"That one behind me on my left? Don't you think he would absolutely like to be back home right now with a Snickers -- even a lead-smothered one?" This week, combine words from the SOTU into something new and different. (Photo by Matt McClain/The Washington Post)
--

For Invitational Week 63: Using only words that President Biden used during his State of the Union address last week, write either a fake passage from a SOTU or a similar speech or * well, anything else: a "quote," an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything. For consistency, please use this special White House transcript, which includes not just Biden's prepared remarks, but also his off-the-script comments, and even when he misspeaks ("The threat to democracy must be defended [defeated].")

We have some game rules this week, about how many times you can use a word; whether you can use a different form of the word (if "lies" are in there, can you use "lie"?); the deal on hyphens, capitalization, punctuation, etc. etc. etc. We face the FAQs -- and also, thanks to the generous help of Loser Gary Crockett, provide a list of every word Biden said along with the number of times it occurs -- at this link right here.

For guidance 'n' inspiration, see the boffo inking entries from our 2021 Inaugural Address contest.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-63. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 28.

The winner gets a pair of very tiny earrings that look as if an astonished black cat has burst through each of your earlobes.


They probably won't yowl or bite: This week's prize earrings. (Temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Presenting Our Snideshow: The photo captions of Week 61
(Photos at tinyurl.com/inv-week-61 )

In Invitational Week 61 we asked for captions for any or all of the six photos below. Picture A prompted many of you to conjure up your fond memories of being on hold with tech support, waiting for Windows to update, etc.

Photo A:

Second runner-up: Sadly, the Wuhan lab was also sloppy with computer viruses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Jim, your camera is turned off. Are you still with us? We're just about through line item 1410.23." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Forensic experts quickly concluded the victim was 67 years old, judging from the width and pattern of that tie. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

For some people, Ozempic works extremely fast. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Photo B:

First runner-up: Bobo didn't get the memo that Friday was Dress Like a Human Day. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Third runner-up: After the rounds of interviews and a grueling morning of skill assessments, Warren felt he had a good shot at the job -- until Dave asked, "What's with the gorilla suit?" (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Diane finally figured out how to keep her male colleagues from leering at her. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Now streaming on Netflix, "The Planning of the Apes." (Kevin Dopart)

"C'mon, that's obviously just a chimponzi scheme." (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Bongo was having that dream again where he showed up naked to work and everyone was staring. (Eric Nelkin)

"Let's throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks." (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Allstate Ape is a pretty feeble ripoff of the Geico Gecko. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Bobo raised his fat fingers in dismay, suddenly horrified to get the joke about his wide nostrils. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

It turned out that not every Employee of the Month at Acme Costumes considered it an honor to wear the gorilla suit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)


Photo C:

The giant two-headed flesh-eating worm was fond of partaking of lunch and dinner simultaneously. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Two long-tongued gay men seek privacy. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Inspired by "Get Smart," CIA scientists developed the Colon of Silence. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Smith and Jones duct out for lunch. (Kevin Dopart)

A low-budget take on "The Human Centipede" dispenses with the more controversial anus scenes. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

As U.S. negotiators worked to extract themselves from Xi Jinping's "head trap" gag, China completed its takeover of Taiwan. (Steve Smith)

Both men thought Nordstrom's recruiter had said the jobs were in men's hosiery. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Look, one of us has to go into the worm costume feet first." (Michael Stein)

Craig and Todd heard they could expand their influence by becoming U-Tubers. (Jesse Frankovich)


Photo D:

And the winner of the dopamine-molecule plushie key chain: It was the best of toms, it was the worst of toms ... -- A Tale of Two Kitties (Jesse Frankovich)

"He's gonna eat it! I pooped in the dog's dish, and he's really gonna eat it!" (Mark Raffman)

You can tell whether a cat has been neutered by showing it "kitty porn." (Mark Raffman)


Photo E:

"What do you think it says about our parenting skills that we have to YouTube 'How to do "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" '?" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

"Five fingers on each hand! At least we know we're not an AI hallucination." (David Sarokin, Washington, D.C.)

"Yeah, I'd upsize it. You want to catch their eye with your Grindr photo." (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

As Alice showed how she used a TikTok video to conjure up the devil, Kevin stepped in to explain how she should have done it. (Richard Franklin)

John didn't feel it was inappropriate to hit on his coworkers, as long as his wedding ring was on his middle finger. (Richard Franklin)

Cosmetics tip: Flat-screen monitor radiation is perfect for drying your nail polish. (Kevin Dopart)


Photo F:

Ghislaine Maxwell conducts job interviews. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

After a hefty meal of beans and broccoli, the Tooting Rombowski Sisters were ready for their audition. (Sam Mertens)

It was the '70s and we had fresh new ideas about how to break the glass ceiling. (Patrick Huss, New Britain, Pa., a First Offender)

"'Sesame Street' is brought to you today by the letter W." (Eric Nelkin)

It was fun and games at the beginning of the secretarial pool strike, but the scab in the back would get a kick in the face soon enough. (Mark Raffman)

And thus began the firm's bottom-up reorg. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At the Literalist Society of America, workers get their asses in gear. (Steve Smith)

Even in the face of severe supply chain disruptions, Peloton continued to offer online classes. (Kevin Dopart)

"Well, what did you expect when you applied for a job at Schwinn?" (Lee Graham; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Dryland Synchronized Swimming Club of Manhattan. How may I direct your call?" (Steve Smith)

The headline "Presenting Our Snideshow" is by Tom Witte.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 16: Our Week 62 contest for novel ways to stress yourself out. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1580, Published 03/07/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 62: Hi, Anxiety!
Tell us some funny ways to stress yourself out. Plus winning diary entries by historical figures.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 7, 2024

Before he became Vlad the Impaler, Mr. Tepes knew he had to change his less impressive sobriquet. See today's Invitational results for historical "diary entries."
Hello. This is Invitational Thursday, and a fine Invitational it will be, but first we must alert our audience to the vice-like grip of evil and stupidity under which we have fallen, and urge all of you with the influence and standing to make a change *. make it, before it is too late.

Look at that paragraph above. Do you see anything wrong with it? You should. It is awful if you don't. You must atone.

The expression is "a vise-like grip." The simile is to a vise, a metal bench tool with one movable jaw and one stationary jaw. It clamps things tightly. A "vice" -- pronounced identically -- is a wickedness or moral depravity. The only connection between the two words is that it would be fitting and proper to define as wicked or morally depraved the editors of American dictionaries who have recently decided that since this word has been ludicrously misspelled by ignorant Americans for the last 20 years, they had to shrug and meekly surrender. According to Google, the expression "vice-like" is out there on the Web in significantly greater numbers than "vise-like." So, ipso facto, dictionaries are now accepting that patent misspelling.

These editors have fallen under the evil thrall of Usage Autocrats, who insist that language is a living breathing thing -- which it is -- but also that it is a thing that must be robotically altered and broadened whenever a word can be proved to have been abused in the same doltish way enough times -- which it is not.

Dictionary editors make a big show of requiring a statistically high number of usage examples by prominent, influential people in order to consider adjusting a spelling or definition. It's the way the Roman Catholic Church insists on "authenticating" miracles before they confer sainthood. Both are processes of disingenuous sanctification.

Let's starve the editors of their phony pretext. Let's blacklist "vice-like" foreverafter. Thank you!

This is stressing me out.

--

OUR NEW INVITATIONAL CONTEST: Stress Yourself Out by Inducing Anxiety
This week's contest, suggested by reader Joan Witte, is based on a little gem of 1960s humor, the book How to Make Yourself Miserable, by the late Dan Greenburg (himself a regular winner of the late New York Magazine Competition, the template from which The Invitational was modeled stolen).

Adapted from the original book's section on dinner parties:
If you're at someone else's house, alternate between (a) worrying that they're wishing you'd leave already and (b) worrying that they'd be terribly hurt if you left so soon.
If you're the host of the party and the person says he guesses he'd better get going, be sure to (a) worry that he's actually hoping you'll ask him to stay, but also (b) worry that he's trying to get out of your house.

Adapted from the book's "Exercise in Anxiety":
You have an important business trip out of town. The night before the morning you have to leave, you drive your car around and around until it has juuust enough gas left to get to the airport. In the morning, leave your house in juuust enough time to catch your plane so long as there are no unexpected delays such as bad traffic or having to stop for gas.

And an example we just now made up: Bring your two-year old to your audience with the Archbishop of Canterbury. To make the lad seem all grown up and precocious, put him in his big-boy pants, which cannot accommodate diapers, on the theory that he can't possibly have to go dooky twice in three hours.

--

For Invitational Week 62: Tell us a funny strategy for increasing your anxiety, like those above. Don't make it any longer than those unless they're immensely readable; much shorter entries would be perfectly fine as well. (As in many Invite contests, they might be "signed" by some famous person, fictional character, etc.)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-62. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don't push Enter until you're starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 16, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 21.

The winner gets a copy of How to Make Yourself Miserable. We actually have two! So you have your choice between a well-used 1966 first-edition hardcover, donated by Richard Franklin (who's both a 32-time Loser and a commercial airline pilot, so who better to know about miserable people?) or a good-condition 1987 paperback update, called How to Make Yourself Miserable for the Rest of the Century, given us by Joan Witte along with her contest suggestion.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Make (Up) My Day: The 'diary entries' of Week 60
In Invitational Week 60 we asked you to write up diary entries of famous people throughout history. (There were allowances. Yes, we know that the Chinese emperor didn't date his journal with "B.C.") Meanwhile, we're thrilled to welcome two First Offenders this week into Loserdom -- one of them in the top four -- breaking a sixteen-week FirStinkless prize drought.

Third runner-up:
Dec. 20, 1898 : We are so close! I truly believe we are on the precipice of achieving our goal: a watch you can read in the dark. -- Marie Curie (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
29 December, 1924: Still need a last line for this novel. I could go with "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past," though I'm still partial to "That's all, folks!" -- F. Scott F. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
April 6, A.D. 33: Must remind J that we need thirty pieces of silver by Friday or they'll repossess the donkey. -- Myrtle Iscariot (Ann Fisher, Marquette, Mich., a First Offender)

And the winner of the jointed wooden hand:
March 30, 1946: After Mrs. Braddock chided me at last night's party, "Winston, you're drunk!" I threw up in her lap. Must hire a publicist to spin this into a devastatingly witty anecdote. -- Churchill (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

In Diarist Straits: Honorable mentions
Aug. 15, 1962: Can't help but feel like we're just missing one critical piece that's keeping us from making it big. I wonder if the other lads feel the same way. -- Pete Best (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

December 26, 1776: We successfully took Trenton, though the attack was almost too late! My fault for slowing us down crossing the river--I never should've let that guy persuade me to pose for an oil painting en route.--G.W. (Duncan Stevens)

October 10, 1838: - . ... - .. -. --. --..-- / - . ... - .. -. --. .-.-.- / .. / .... .- ...- . / - .... .-. . . / -. .. .--. .--. .-.. . ... --..-- / .- -. -.. / .. .----. -- / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .- / ...- .. .-. --. .. -. .-.-.- / .... .- .... .- .-.-.- / -. --- / --- -. . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / . ...- . .-. / -... . / .- -... .-.. . / - --- / .-. . .- -.. / - .... .. ... .-.-.- --Samuel F.B. Morse (to read the message, click on this link to a Morse Code translator, then copy the code into it, beginning with that first dash) (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

April 2, Year 1: Baby J took his first steps on water today! -- M. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

April 1, 1814: It's bad enough that the British fake news says I wear lifts and look funny in white boots. Now Josephine compares my imperial truncheon to un petit champignon! -- N. Bonaparte (Frank Osen)

220 B.C.: I'm going to build a big, beautiful wall and the Mongols are going to pay for it. -- Emperor Qin Shi Huang (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

December 17, 1903: Can't believe we invented flight! Two high school dropouts! Next project: putting peanuts in little bags--Wilbur Wright (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

April 28, 1945: Oh happy days! He's finally putting a ring on it! -- Eva Braun (Sam Mertens)

July 15, 2013: Driving me nuts to be losing the publicity battle to Zuckerberg. PR flacks say we need a plan to get my name in the paper every day. -- J. Bezos (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

January 14, 2009, LaGuardia Airport Marriott: Arrived to clear skies this evening and saw a flock of several hundred Canada geese. Beautiful. Should be good weather to fly to Charlotte tomorrow. -- Sully (Kenneth Enright, Setubal, Portugal, a First Offender)

Sept. 13, 1996: Big audition today for the movie remake. Director said I'm perfect for the part, but studio wants Jeremy Irons to play Humbert. -- Woody (Steve Smith)

1026 B.C.: The Amazons won't deliver my new helmet until next week because I didn't pay for fortnight shipping. It won't matter, whoever the Israelites send out won't get close enough to touch a hair on my head. -- Goliath (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

1-11-67: Recording session was far out, but the uptight suits were a downer. Apparently Middle America isn't ready to hear a man sing " 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy." -- Jimi (Steve Smith)

2/25/*1922: Took a long trip into the forest today in the sleigh. Whose woods they were I did not know. I wrote my name there in his snow. -- Robert Frost (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

2-27-2024: So busy today! Asked Tyler to grab a few things on his way home. -- L. Boebert (Steve Smith)

Long Ago: I always knew my husband was handy with his tools, but wow, Noah's been really banging out that boat! Shouldn't surprise me, though -- after all, 600 is the new 450! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

March 19, 1942: I need to cap my speech with a zinger. "I'll be back" sounds too Austrian. -- Gen. Douglas MacArthur (Sam Mertens)

5/14/1987: Doctor tomorrow, gotta pee in a jar. Also behind on my next commission, so I may be multitasking*. -- Andres Serrano (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

April 4, 1590: That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am! I do not like*. Argh. It's no good. I need to write something a tad weightier. -- William Shakespeare (Leif Picoult)

August 20, 1889: Went for a walk with little Adolf. Such a sweet baby! But once again, such a strange incident: An oddly dressed man pulled something from his pocket, but an identical twin appeared and wrestled him to the ground, shouting, "No, it creates a paradox!" Then they both disappeared. I don't understand why this keeps happening. -- Klara Hitler (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Feb 21, 1582: My wretched brother's family has announced his intentions to visit this fall from October 5 to October 14. There has to be a way to keep this from happening. -- Pope Gregory XIII (Sam Mertens)

From the recovered log of Captain Billy Tyne of the Andrea Gail, Oct. 28, 1991: 44N, 56.4W. Possibly my last entry. Weather has worsened badly. Seas at 30 ft. Wind gusts to 80 kn. I wish there were a term I could use to describe such a perfect storm. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

July 17, 1969: Those two overgrown brats keep whining about who has the middle seat and who gets the window. I swear I'm going to turn this thing around if it gets any worse. -- Michael Collins (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

July 20, 1969: Today's film shoot with the guys in spacesuits wasn't perfect but it'll do. Armstrong flubbed his big line a little; not too noticeable, though. -- Hollywood set designer (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

June 5, 1770: Won my 15th consecutive poker tournament tonight! Surely the name Sandwich will forever be synonymous with "champion." (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va.)

June 1, 1987: Wrote a new single, but it's not my best work. Maybe I should just record over it? Should probably just give it up. -- R. Astley (Duncan Stevens)

June 10, 1994: I was juking my way through Bloomingdale's today when I spotted a nice pair of brown Aris Isotoner gloves. They just barely fit, but they'll do. -- Orenthal (Jeff Hazle)

June 26, 1997: My trainer says I should fight hungry. I think I'll try that against Holyfield. -- Mike Tyson (Sam Mertens)

November 29, 2004: Day 52: Today, I shared my favorite recipe for toilet wine with the girls in Cellblock D. Note to self: Destroy this diary. -- Martha Stewart (Lee Graham)

May 17, 1935, April 10, 1942, April 2, 1949, November 5, 1962, March 9, 1966, January 21, 1975, August 27, 1976, April 13, 1983, August 14, 1986: Dear diary: Today I married the most wonderful man in the world. Our love will endure forever! Zsa Zsa Gabor (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

May 22, 1927: The crowd in Paris took some "souvenirs" from my airplane, including a full beer bottle. I can only hope that they didn't know what was actually in that bottle after a 33-hour flight, and took a healthy swig. -- C. Lindbergh (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

November 18, 1863: I was reading tomorrow's speech to Mary and she thought starting with "87" sounded "too common." Her edit seems way too pretentious to me, but if I don't use it, I'll never hear the end of it. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

2 November, 1914: Cousin Grete told me about a pleasant dream of being transformed into a cuddly bunny and thought it would make a sweet story. I promised I'd consider it. -- F. Kafka (Frank Osen)

October 12, 1960: I was finally able to bang that loose shoe nail into place during the U.N. meeting today. Sheesh, that was really bothering me for a while. -- Nikita (Duncan Stevens)

October 2, Long Ago: I think we've got all the animals on the boat, including Terry and Pat the unicorns. I hope Shem and Ham remembered to do all the gender checks.--N. (Duncan Stevens)

October 7, 1871: Had an amusing time in the barn today. I discovered that Bessie has a ticklish spot, and if you touch it she kicks like the dickens! -- Catherine O'Leary (Sam Mertens)

September 10, 1465: I gotta raise my game. The Turks aren't at all intimidated by "Vlad the Wedgie-Giver." I'll think of something. -- Vlad Tepes (Duncan Stevens)

September 30, 1935: Finally finished my novel. My editor thinks it still needs some tweaks, but fiddle-de-dee, what does he know -- readers are gonna love Chartreuse O'Hara!--M. Mitchell (Duncan Stevens)

Thor Heyerdahl, Kon-Tiki Trial Journal, April 2, 1947, Callao, Peru: Outboard motor now repainted -- blends perfectly with raft under the banana-leaf canopy. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

And Last: Sept 24, 2006: It might be fun to enter this Style Invitational thing in the paper. What the heck--it's not like it's going to take much of my time. --Me (58-time Loser Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

The headline "Make (Up) My Day" is by Stu Segal; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 9: Our Week 61 photo caption contest. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Joan Witte)
Examples: ()
Title: (Stu Segal)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Richard Franklin; Joan Witte)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1579, Published 02/29/2024
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The Invitational Week 61: Captions Courageous
Write a description for any of six photos. Plus our winning 'Why Not' questions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 29, 2024

Why is this comic strip here today? Because it represents a new collaboration between The Invitational and the Comics World at Large. This is the first of a series of "dad jokes vs. grandpa jokes" from a recent Invitational contest; Gene instantly grabbed a few to use in his syndicated comic strip, "Barney & Clyde," on which the grandpa joke challenge had been based. This one was by Jon Gearhart. More to follow.

Hello. This is Gene. Happy Leap Day. Are you at work today? Why? Honor the memory of Karl Savage and go home right now.

Our New Contest
For Invitational Week 61: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the pictures below. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in "A. [your caption]." For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol' entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 22 and the results of Week 49 to see what we like in a caption. Don't bother tracking down the source of the original photo; that shouldn't be the point of your caption.

(All photos via Getty Images)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-61. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, March 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 14.

The winner gets a cute plushie dopamine molecule key chain, complete with winsome eyes and a purple baseball cap. This is by far the cuddliest 1 million-scale pleasure-provoking neurotransmitter we have ever fondled. Donated by the truly dope Dave Prevar.

Dopamine key chain
The key to your pleasure: This week's prize, a little dopamine guy as a fob. (giantmicrobes.com)

Inking Outside the Box: 'Why Not' ideas from Week 59
In Invitational Week 59 we saluted "Why Not?," the new, thought-provoking feature by Daniel Pink in The Washington Post (first question: "Why not pay teachers $100,000 a year?"), by inviting some rather more comical Why Nots of your own. A number of the entries suggested things that already exist -- among them divorce showers, frozen food from fine restaurants, and dictionaries to translate your grandkids' vocabularies.

Third runner-up:
Why not put urinal cakes in public stairwells? It's not like it'd encourage anybody to do something they don't do already. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Why not give new car horns a range of honks and beeps that everyone would learn to understand? They could range from "Hi!" to "Um, the light's green" all the way up to "You #%@*ing $@&*!" (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Joel Golden, Fort Washington, Md.)

First runner-up:
Why not provide the majority and minority whips in Congress with real whips to keep the hardhead rogues in line? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And the winner of the Gumby-on-the-toilet desk set:
Along with Congress's parliamentary rules, why not add a rule from elementary school: No recess till your work is done. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Perish the Thought: Honorable mentions
Why not end the Biden BORDER CATASTROPHE and stock the Rio Grande with great white sharks? -- D.J.T. (Steve Smith)

Why not replace those Gmail-suggested automatic replies like "Great!" and "No thanks!" with more interesting ones, like "Hippos don't eat pickles!" and "That's what yo mama said!"? I would definitely use those more. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Why not design home workout equipment with clothes-hanging hooks, just from the get-go? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Why not make marshmallow Lego blocks to minimize foot pain and maximize snack time? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

In football, why not replace field goal and extra-point kicks with something else? We're already stopping a game of high-energy, maximum-contact blocking, tackling, running, and passing so that some little guy can come out and see how well he can kick a ball while standing still and looking like a ballerina. For variety, why not have the player do something equally unlike the rest of the game, like juggle, or answer a trivia question, or do bird calls? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Instead of creating dedicated bike lanes that take up big chunks of city streets, why not equip cars with bike catchers that would scoop cyclists up and deposit them lightly at the next intersection? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

When Trump refuses to appear in a debate, why not replace him with a wax caricature instead of an empty chair? If the wax melts under the hot lights, even better. (Neil Kurland)

Why doesn't Tucker Carlson find a way to fit his entire head in Vladimir Putin's butt? No point in stopping with the lips, really. (Duncan Stevens)

Why not build a pile of dirt so high that it reaches outer space? That would save the waste of rocket fuel, and you could just drive up to work on the satellites! (Joel Golden)

Why not cover car exteriors with Zectron, the stuff the SuperBall was made of? In a collision, cars would just bounce apart like ping-pong balls in a lottery machine. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Why not design a lightweight portable tabletop tent so that a couple having an affair could dine at a restaurant in privacy? (Jonathan Jensen)

Why not genetically modify vegetables to taste like ice cream? Okra Winfreeze would be very popular with members of Weight Watchers. (Jon Gearhart)

Why not hire orchestra musicians for the Oscar telecast who aren't so darn eager and impatient? Those guys constantly start in while the awardees are still talking! (Duncan Stevens)

Why not increase support for the LGBTQ community by starting a rumor that the Q stands for QAnon? (Gary Crockett)

Why not stay quiet when the lion is sleeping tonight near the village, the peaceful village? I don't imagine it'll be pleased to be awakened by yodeling. (Duncan Stevens)

Why not use DNA to clone the Founding Fathers, who could then tell the Supreme Court what they really had in mind? (Steve Smith)

Why not wire the seats on gym weight machines to deliver a small shock to anyone sitting around longer than it takes to do a slow set -- just enough juice to knock their damn phone out of their hand? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Why not include one extra sock with every pair of socks sold? Save countless hours of laundry day searches! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

To eliminate speeding completely, why not change all speed limits to 300 mph? (Gary Crockett)

Why not do what the Vatican does in selecting a Pope, and lock everyone in Congress inside the Capitol if they can't agree on a budget or Speaker of the House? (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Why not find a strong man who can lift his own weight with just his arms, then put him in an armchair and see if he can fly away! (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Why not lower the minimum wage, so stores and restaurants can reduce prices to the levels in Russia? -- T. Carlson (Steve Smith)

Why not make a new "Mission: Impossible" movie in which the mission is to bring peace to the Middle East? (Tom Cruise always finds a way!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Why not make Congress
Filibuster in haiku?
That should speed things up. (Jon Gearhart)

Why not put Gas-X in cattle feed? (Steve Smith)

Why not put tinfoil linings straight into MAGA ball caps? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Why not replace the music in public bathrooms with soundtrack loops of bodily emissions? No more worries about making embarrassing noises -- relax and join the chorus! (Judy Freed)

Why not require millionaires to drive electric vehicles? Soon there would be rechargers everywhere. Or at least everywhere you'd want to go. (Steve Smith)

Why not rewrite Genesis without the Tree of Knowledge? Then everyone could walk around naked, as originally planned, and not give it a second thought. (Beverley Sharp)

Why not use gene editing to create fire-breathing dragons and use them for snow removal? (Gary Crockett)

With those trigger warnings all over social media, why not have trigger warnings on actual guns? (Judy Freed)

The headline "Inking Outside the Box" is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 2: Our Week 60 contest for diary entries for people throughout history. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Mark Raffman)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1578, Published 02/22/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 60: The Pepys Show
Give us a diary entry from anyone in history. Plus winning clickbait headlines for unexciting news.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 22, 2024

From the famed diary of Samuel Pepys (rhymes with "bleeps"), April 10, 1663, written in shorthand. Please spell out your own entries for Week 60 in actual words. (From the Pepys Library, Magdelene College, Cambridge)

Captain's Log, 14 April, 1912: An uneventful day, which is a good thing on a maiden voyage. I must remember, however, to tell the stewards that the passengers want more ice. (Russell Beland)

June 20, '76: Working on draft of document for TJ. I've articulated two unalienable Rights -- Life, and the Pursuit of Happiness -- need a third. Well, it will come to me. -- Sally (Jeff Brechlin)

April 1, 1952: Drunk, spilled a can of paint on a fresh canvas today. Oh well, who'll know? -- Jackson Pollock (Jeff Brechlin)

For Invitational Week 60: Write a humorous diary or journal entry for someone, famous or not, at any point in history, as in the examples above from a 2009 Invitational (full results here). Don't choose a fictional character. Anything over 50 words had better be worth keeping in its own library like the Bibliotheca Pepysiana at Cambridge.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-60. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single continuous line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, March 2, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 7.

The winner gets something that actually looks a little like a trophy: It's a bendable jointed hand figurine, which served as nothing but fancy packaging for a deck of cards, included in an expensive tutorial in doing card tricks. Fifty-two-time Loser Perry Beider helpfully showed how the hand might be displayed on your mantel, as a centerpiece at the Thanksgiving table, etc.


Take this card and *: This week's first-place trophy of sorts.

Swollen Heads: Clickbait headlines from Week 58
In Invitational Week 58, we asked you to find some actual, anodyne news item and give it a technically accurate but highly misleading clickbait headline. We were delighted to see that many of you turned to small local papers -- so many of them fighting for survival -- to find the articles; we're not suggesting, however, that they try to gain readers exactly this way.

Third runner-up: SCANDINAVIANS URGE YOUNG TEENS TO DISPLAY CURVES
Norwegian researchers say schools should encourage cursive writing through middle school. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: N.Y. FAMILY ENCOURAGES WHIZ IN POOL
Article about a top junior billiards player. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: PAMELA ANDERSON TAKES IT ALL OFF IN SHOCKING DISPLAY OF SKIN
The "Baywatch" actress says she's stopped wearing makeup. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the bacon and egg earrings:
BIDEN SEEN DRINKING ON THE JOB
President drinks the water in East Palestine, Ohio, praises 'Herculean' cleanup after train derailment (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the four above entries is the best?
Third runner-up
15%
Second runner-up
35%
First runner-up
20%
The winner
30%
276 VOTES . 1 DAY REMAINING
If, after voting, you prefer one of the honorables (below) to any of the above, tell us in the Comments.

Stunners-Up: Honorable mentions
KING OF POP ALIVE AND WELL!
Coca-Cola 'confident momentum will continue,' CEO says (Jesse Frankovich)

CHICKEN SICKENS THOUSANDS OF PARISIANS
Many residents don't like the golden rooster ornament atop the new spire at Notre Dame. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

LARGE SUMS OF MONEY FOUND IN HUMAN WASTE
Staggering Rise in Catheter Bills Suggests Medicare Scam (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

BLACK CHILD TO BE GIVEN THE CHAIR
A new Charlie Brown TV special will finally allow Franklin to sit with his friends. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

STORM TROOPERS SEPARATE CRYING BABE FROM MOTHER, DRIVE BOTH INTO BLIZZARD
New Jersey cops helped deliver a baby on the highway during a snowstorm. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

TAYLOR BADLY BEATEN AS HORRIFIED FANS WATCH
Lincoln Park overpowers Taylor High, 79-44 (Jesse Frankovich)

BIZARRE COW SURVIVES WITH HEART IN FOREHEAD
Calf with heart-shaped mark on forehead melts hearts online (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

PRINCE HARRY CAN'T KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF, WOMAN CLAIMS Journalist gripes that he's always holding Meghan's hand (Judy Freed)

WEDDING INTERLOPER INTERRUPTS VOWS, SHACKS UP WITH BRIDE AND GROOM
Hudson Valley newlyweds adopted a cat that wandered into their outdoor wedding. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

WHY CUTTING THE CHEESE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
Raw-milk cheddar was linked to E. coli illnesses in four states. (Jon Gearhart)

AUTHORITIES: OUR TOWN IS FOLLOWING A PATH INTO DARKNESS
Monroe, Mich., will be in the trajectory of April's total solar eclipse. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

DETROIT'S SOLUTION FOR TROUBLED YOUTHS? MORE ARMS.
Tigers sign more pitchers to keep games close in case young hitters slump. (Pam Shermeyer)

D.C. SLASHER STILL NOT FOUND
Federal Reserve Chairman Jay Powell hesitates to cut interest rates (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

FLORIDA MAN STICKS NEEDLE THROUGH TONGUE
Lakeland, Fla., cobbler posts shoe repair videos (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

SENIOR SUCCUMBS AFTER MAKING IT WITH TART
Bill Post, creator of the Pop-Tart, died at age 96. (Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

50-YEAR-OLD MAN TRIES TO LURE CHILDREN TO HIS SPECIALLY BUILT HOME
Actor Christian Bale breaks ground on Southern California foster home project (Frank Osen)

MASS DISAPPEARANCE OF LATCHKEY KIDS!
More parents are making an effort to be home for their kids after school. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

ARLINGTON OFFICIALS PROMOTE MONOPOLY ECONOMY
The city's chamber of commerce is selling a parody board game called Arlingtonopoly. (Kevin Dopart)

NAKED AUSTRALIAN TAKEN INTO CUSTODY IN FLA.
An escaped kangaroo was found hopping around in a Tampa apartment complex. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

BEEFY MAN SHEDS FAT FAST
Oklahoman competes in National Meat Cutting Challenge (Pam Shermeyer)

DIRECTORS SEEK WELL-HUNG STUDS
Ad agencies enjoy working with the Budweiser Clydesdales. (Leif Picoult)

BIG FOOT SPOTTED IN MISSOURI
This teen wears a size 23 shoe. It's stopping him from living a normal life. (Jon Gearhart)

BIG SEWER BLOWOUT IN DELAWARE TOWN
Lewes stitchers to celebrate 100th quilting bee (Jesse Frankovich)

BRAZIL REPORTS STAGGERING RISE IN NEEDLE USE
Japan has sent millions of vaccines to fight dengue fever in Brazil. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

QUEEN'S HOME ATTACKED, DRONES SWARM
Beehives were stolen from an almond orchard. (Leif Picoult)

CITY SET TO RESTRICT MOST RIGHTS
Assembly proposal would ban right-on-red turns in much of downtown Anchorage. (Frank Osen)

COLLEGE STUDENTS HAUNTED BY MURDER
Large flock of crows descends on the Grinnell College campus (Jesse Frankovich)

CABINET MEMBER CONFINED FOR LEAKING
Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin is hospitalized with bladder issue (Jesse Frankovich; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

DRUG DEALERS SPREADING ACROSS MARYLAND
179 cannabis licenses to be awarded by state-run lottery (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

TRUMP-ENDORSED CANDIDATE PROMOTES PUBLIC URINATION
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson denied trans voters bathroom access. (Judy Freed)

FAT WHITE GUYS CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT
Study finds polar bears unlikely to adapt to longer summers (Jesse Frankovich)

GROUP OF WELSHMEN PLOTS TO ATTACK FINLAND
Wales's national soccer team prepares for a Euro 2024 playoff match. (Gregory Koch)

HE GRABBED HER BODY PART AND SHE LIKED IT
Why people enjoy holding hands. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HOCKEY TOURNAMENT ORGANIZER RUNS WILD
The Minnesota Wild's general manager will oversee an upcoming competition. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

HOW TO SHRINK YOUR KIDS
Tips for choosing a reliable therapist for your children. (Jesse Frankovich)

HUNGER-STRICKEN LOCALS RESORT TO EATING ROOTS
Review of an upscale Potomac, Md., restaurant that features ginger in many dishes. (Karen Lambert)

KILLER CLOWN THREATENS TO BURN REPORTERS
SNL's Colin Jost set to host White House Correspondents' Association dinner (Leif Picoult)

KNIFE-WIELDING MAN'S LIFE IS CUT SHORT
Renowned chef David Bouley dies of cardiac arrest at 70. (Pam Shermeyer)

MORE THAN 1,000 SUDDENLY REPORT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
1,180 pothole reports from the public since Sunday, according to the Los Angeles Department of Public Works (Frank Osen)

MURDERER TO GO SCOT-FREE
Cold case closed after 90 years (Frank Osen)

NICOLE KIDMAN ESCAPES MASS SHOOTING
Prior commitments kept the actress away from the 40-celebrity photo shoot for this month's Vogue cover. (Judy Freed)

ONLY 7 OF 16 CHRISTIANS SURVIVE TRIP TO BALTIMORE
Seven students on the Living Grace Christian School team advanced to the finals at a spelling bee in Baltimore. (Tom Witte)

OUTDOOR THREESOME IN FLA. SHOCKS LOCAL MAN
Resident snaps photo of osprey catching three fish at once (Tom Witte)

Seniors cheat death by eating THIS!
Older folks are learning about healthier diets. (Mark Raffman)

THEY WANT MORE KIDS ON DRUGS!
Lifesaving medication is underprescribed, doctors say (Duncan Stevens)

THOUSANDS BLINDED IN THE DMV!
Ad for 3 Day Blinds (William Kennard)

PHOTOS SURFACE OF MINISTERS RUBBING MEN, WOMEN, GIRLS, BOYS
Ash Wednesday services around the world (Jon Gearhart)

CALIF. SHOW MIGHT FEATURE UNION OF GIRL AND RODENT
Disneyland's Cinderella and Mickey Mouse performers may unionize. (Frank Osen)

The headline "Swollen Heads" is by Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 24: Our Week 59 contest for humorous outside-the-box ideas for The Washington Post's new "Why Not" feature. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Russell Beland; Jeff Brechlin; Jeff Brechlin)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Perry Beider)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1577, Published 02/15/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 59: Why the #$%#$% Not?
The Washington Post is looking for some bold ideas -- let's show it some! Plus: Winning bad ideas for books and movies.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 15, 2024

Instead of all these primaries and debates, with each man insisting he's in perfect shape while the other's a doddering weakling, why not just have Trump and Biden go at it in the boxing ring? Winner gets the White House. One's taller and more of a heavyweight, but doesn't exactly float like a butterfly *

We owe the inspiration for this week's Invitational contest to our former longtime employers (and eventual unemployers) The Washington Post: Its opinions department recently announced a new, yearlong project from contributing columnist Daniel Pink, author of several bestselling books about business success and human behavior. The headline isn't exactly humble: "American imagination needs an adrenaline shot. Here's how I'll deliver it." You can click on the preceding link to read the whole thing, but in a nutshell: Once a month, Pink will post the question "Why Not *"-- with a suggestion to which most people would respond "Whoa" or at least "Hmm." A few examples he offers: Why not pay all schoolteachers at least $100,000 a year? Why not give presents on your birthday, rather than receive them? Why not move Congress to a rotating selection of cities?

From there, he says, he'll studiously weigh the pros and cons, costs and benefits, hugs and kisses, and -- and this is the ultimate goal, we'd think -- invite lots of spirited discussion in the comments thread, sharing links throughout social media, etc. He even invites readers to submit their own provocative ideas.

Ha, you see where we're going. For Invitational Week 59: Send us a humorous Why Not? question, as in the Donald/Joe example above and those below. You could accompany it with a brief pitch (up to seventy-five words or so), as above, or your idea might be so hilarious that just stating it would be enough. Um, no, we won't be judging the ideas by how feasible they are.

Consider these, which we just made up:

Why not have newspapers make their newsprint edible and tasty? You could have different flavors for the different sections, like Nacho Sports and Kombucha Style. There'd finally be a reason for people to pay for the print paper other than to save Grandma's obit.

Why not equip cars with driver's-seat toilets, and drive pantsless? It would save time, avoid "emergencies," give our butts a chance to breathe.

Why not just pass a law requiring that God show Himself, to settle the question once and for all?

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-59. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single line; i.e., don't push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 29.

The winner gets the Butt Station, an elegant desk set consisting of a tape dispenser/ pen holder in the shape of a Gumby-green humanoid sitting on a toilet. Also, its keister is magnetized to scoop up paper clips from the toilet underneath. If your employer has forced you to slog to the office so that you can attend Zoom meetings with other people in the building, this ensemble makes just the right statement. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.

At least it's tape and not Charmin. This week's prize desk set.

Acadummy Awards: Bad ideas for movies and books from Week 57
In Invitational Week 57 we asked you simply for bad ideas for books or movies -- the title, the casting, the plot, whatever.

Third runner-up:
Proctology: A Scratch-and-Sniff Guide. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
This Is Literally Spinal Tap: A video of Rob Reiner having a lumbar puncture. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Jaws Meets Baby Shark: That ominous dum-dum-dum-dum theme is replaced by . . . (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Horrible Meeting Bingo notepad:
Self-Esteem for Dummies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Jest-Cellar List: Honorable mentions
The Koran: The Graphic Version. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Little Engine That Never Stood a Chance: The Importance of Accurate Self-Evaluation. (Judy Freed)

A Nightmare on Sesame Street. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Judy Freed)

The Big Nothing: An alternate-history novel set in a universe where the Big Bang never happened. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

All the President's Men 2024, starring Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, 80 and 79, as themselves. (Steve Smith)

All the President's Men 2024: Two intrepid Fox News journalists find absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by Trump or his campaign after an exhaustive minutes-long investigation. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Jar Jar Binks Trilogy: The Origin Stories. (Jesse Frankovich)

The audiobook of The Least Frequently Mispronounced Words in the English Language, narrated by Fran Drescher. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

20,000 Really Good Passwords. R9c7wjm2&*@%qR and Y89-@m35Qrsp[% are just some of the highlights! (Duncan Stevens)

A Hundred and Fifty More Shades of Grey. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Huckleberry Fine: Mark Twain's novel is revised to be historically consistent with Texas and Florida school board guidelines, fondly recounting a boy's idyllic, strife-free childhood in the Old South. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

The Significance of Microaggression in Grover Cleveland's Second Term. (Tom Witte)

Citizen Kanye: Reporters scramble to uncover the meaning of anything he says. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Conan the Barber: A documentary about a bodybuilder paying the bills by cutting hair. Many closeups of him admiring his arms in the mirror. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Horton Molests a Who. (Jesse Frankovich)

He scored with his remake of "The Producers" -- now it's Mel Brooks's Silent Movie: The Musical. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Psycho '24 : During the shower scene, Marion Crane does an impromptu promo for Head & Shoulders. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Godfather: After PETA gets involved in this 2024 remake, Jack Woltz finds a live horse sleeping peacefully next to him. (Beverley Sharp)

Old Feller: Two creaky political dogs battle for the presidency in 2024. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

CliffNotes of "The Oxford Textbook of Neurological Surgery." (Judy Freed)

The Hangover: Dry January. Four friends travel to a cabin in Yell County, Arkansas, for a bachelor party featuring jigsaw puzzles and charades. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Translate "Green Eggs and Ham" into Pig Latin: "Atthay am-i-amsay ! Atthay am-i-amsay! Iyay oday otnay ikelay atthay am-i-amsay!" (Kevin Dopart)

Wikipedia, Vol. 1: Aa-Ab (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Budweiser's Wassup the Movie. (Jesse Frankovich)

A pop-up edition of Edwin Abbott Abbott's Flatland. (Jeff Contompasis)

A book on the history of cheese, made entirely of cheese. (Gregory Koch)

The Moosewood Travel Companion Cookbook, featuring eco-conscious roadkill recipes. (Judy Freed)

A collection of all my most amazing daily Wordle results. (Sam Mertens)

Pulp Fiction 2: Instead of a twist contest, Vince and Mia win a cornhole competition (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Very Hung Caterpillar. (Leif Picoult)

Adventures in Eggplant: The Kama Sutra Written in Food Emoji. (Kevin Dopart)

Harry Potter and the Evil, Evil Transgender Activists, by J.K. Rowling. (Duncan Stevens)

"I Am Curious (George)": The lovable monkey has a very problematic relationship with the man in the yellow hat. (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Be an Anti-Racist: A Guide for Florida Teachers. (Mark Raffman)

Grinch 17: How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day. (Duncan Stevens)

Laugh if You Dare: The Funniest Racist Jokes. (Jonathan Jensen)

The Autobiography of ChatGPT. (Steve Smith)

The Dark Side of Mister Rogers: The shocking, never-before-told story of the time he got a parking ticket. (Duncan Stevens)

The Real Housewives of Lake Wobegon. (Perry Beider)

Snot Our Business: Celebrating 100 Years of Kleenex. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline "Acadummy Awards" is by Mary McNamara; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 17: Our Week 58 contest for sensationalist clickbait headlines for mundane news items. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Mary McNamara)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1576, Published 02/08/2024
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The Invitational Week 58: Praise the Lurid!
Give us clickbait headlines for mundane stories. Plus winning 'dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 8, 2024

(Fendi/JW Anderson, from the 2022 Paris Fashion Week)
Above, actual men's sandals displayed in Paris fashion shows. See the winner of Invitational Week 56, below, for a one-word explanation.

New headline: ROCKETS TAKE OUT ACTIVE SHOOTER
Actual story: Houston overcomes 51 points from Russell Westbrook to beat Oklahoma City (Dave Matuskey)

New headline: GOP CONGRESSMAN FOUND DEAD AFTER CALLING FOR PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT
Actual story: Obituary of Lawrence J. Hogan Sr., a House Watergate Committee member who called for Nixon's impeachment in 1974 (Jon Gearhart)

New headline: FORMER TERROR SUSPECTS CONVERGE ON CITY
Actual story: Reunion of Japanese Americans who were interned during World War II (Frank Osen)

For The Invitational Week 58: Find any real news item or ad published online or in print from Feb. 8 through Feb. 18 -- the more boring the better -- and give it a headline with more pizzazz, however irresponsible, as in the examples above from a 2017 Invitational. Also, as above, summarize the real story either in a brief sentence or in the form of a bank headline, or subtitle. ***See the entry form for important further directions*** so we don't bog things down here and can get on to the jokes.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-58. (Note our new domain name for these short links.) As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 22.

The winner gets breakfast on us -- well, on you, specifically hanging from your ears: a pair each of fried-egg and fried-bacon earrings -- mix or match.

And they're 100 percent cholesterol-free! This week's prize.

Artful Codgers: 'Dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes' from Week 56
In Invitational Week 56, inspired by the subversive gramps in Gene's comic strip "Barney & Clyde," we asked you for a typical "dad joke" -- usually a riddle ending with a wholesome pun that Daddy would like to share with the kids -- but also the same riddle answered by edgy Grandpa Ebenezer, who doesn't care what the kids hear, and maybe thinks they could use a little naughtiness and subversiveness in their lives.

Third runner-up:
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
Dad joke: A staircase.
Grandpa joke: A corpse in an elevator. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
Dad joke: And as you can see, they were Wright.
Grandpa joke: And boy, were their arms tired when they hit the sidewalk at the bottom of the Empire State Building. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
How do you make the number 1 disappear?
Dad joke: Add the letter G and it's "Gone."
Grandma joke: Flush the damn toilet! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the "Greatest Farter" T-shirt:
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Dad joke: Philippe Philoppe.
Grandpa joke: Douchebag. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

From Dad to Worse: Honorable mentions
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
Dad: A can't opener.
Grandpa: A lazy proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Dad joke: If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Grandpa joke: I had a pig that lost its voice. Maybe it was because I slaughtered it. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What did the sink tell the toilet?
Dad: You look flushed!
Grandpa: You take too much crap. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jon Gearhart)

What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital?
Dad: I'm cured.
Grandpa: Holy shit! Would you look at this bill? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How do you teach kids about taxes?
Dad: Eat 30 percent of their ice cream.
Grandpa: Make them do your taxes. (Leif Picoult)

What kind of shoes do mice wear?
Dad: Squeakers!
Grandpa: Little tiny ones. What did you expect, clown shoes? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

How does a lawyer say goodbye?
Dad: Sue you later!
Grandpa: With a $50 phone call. (Leif Picoult)

What friends do you always bring to dinner?
Dad: Your taste buds.
Grandpa: The ones you can sucker into paying your bill. (Beverley Sharp)

What do you call a rude cow?
Dad: Beef jerky.
Grandpa: Grandma. (Jon Gearhart)

Why did the coach go to the bank?
Dad: To get his quarterback.
Grandpa: He had to pay a fine for sexual harassment because of his offensive line. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Why should you never date a tennis player?
Dad: Love means nothing to them.
Grandpa: They think a "good match" is when they whack your balls with a racket for two hours. (Mark Raffman)

What falls while never getting hurt?
Dad: Snow.
Grandpa: The woman in the Life Alert commercial. (Chris Doyle)

What did the Yelp review say about the restaurant on the moon?
Dad: Great food, no atmosphere.
Grandpa: The food tasted like it was from Uranus. (Mark Raffman)

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Dad: He couldn't see himself doing it.
Grandpa: He'd already taken the ladies' locker room attendant job. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

What did the cable say to the elevator?
Dad: "We work together on so many levels."
Grandpa: "I love it when you go down on me." (Jon Gearhart)

What goes around the world but never leaves the corner?
Dad: A stamp.
Grandpa: An especially skillful prostitute. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What gets whiter the dirtier it gets?
Dad: A chalkboard.
Grandpa: MAGA. (Kevin Dopart)

What's a dog's favorite part of a house?
Dad: The woof.
Grandpa: Whichever room smells most like someone's crotch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What did one wall say to the other?
Dad: "I'll meet you at the corner."
Grandpa: "Are you as plastered as I am?" (Jon Gearhart)

What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
Dad: A bed.
Grandpa: A Chernobyl resident. (Jon Gearhart)

What has two hands, has a round face, and doesn't get anywhere when it runs?
Dad: A clock.
Grandpa: Chris Christie. (Kevin Dopart)

What has a neck without a head to hold?
Dad: A bottle.
Grandpa: Marie Antoinette. (Chris Doyle)

How do you get a squirrel's attention?
Dad: Act like a nut.
Grandpa: Show it your nuts. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Beverley Sharp)

The headline "Artful Codgers" is by Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 10: Our Week 57 contest for bad ideas for books or movies. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Dave Matuskey; Frank Osen; Jon Gearhart)
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1575, Published 02/01/2024
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The Invitational Week 57: The Ughscars and the Phewlitzers
Give us an idea for a bad book or movie. Plus some STUD-ly winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 1, 2024

Do we have the perfect roles for Tilda and Woody! See this week's Invitational contest below. (Swinton by Manfred Werner (Tsui); Allen via Getty)
Hello. This is The Invitational, in which we perform magnificently and with humor, thanks to the participation and genius of many dozens of funny people, for whose work we shamelessly take full credit.

This week's Invitational: Highly Unrecommended
Book: Merriam Webster's Dictionary, reinterpreted for modern readers in Chaucerian Middle English.

Movie: Barbie, starring Tilda Swinton and, as Ken, Woody Allen.

For Invitational Week 57: Tell us a comically bad idea for a book or movie, as in the examples above. It can involve the plot, the casting, the setting, the format, whatever, as long as it's funny.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-57. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. See the entry form for formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 15.

The winner gets Horrible Meeting Bingo, a nifty fifty-sheet notepad with ten varied grids featuring such checkoffs as "Awkward silence," "Let's circle back," and "Discussion monopolizer strikes again." If only Jeffrey Toobin had had this diversion at that fateful Zoom session.

Not recommended for in-person meetings, but be our guest: This week's prize. (TinyHooray.com)

The STUD Farm: DUSTy neologisms from Week 55
In Invitational Week 55, one of our annual Tour de Fours neologism contests, we honored new 1,000-inkster Duncan Stevens by asking you for new words and phrases that included the letter block DUST, in any permutation -- DSTU, STUD, etc. -- but with no other letters between them.

Third runner-up: WOODSTUCK: Still living in the 1960s. "Coachella, big whoop. Now when I was 23, we were in the mud for three days and it's still under my fingernails." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up: JUST DON'T IT: La-Z-Boy's new slogan. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up: ANTACIDS, TURPENTINE: Alabama's next execution protocol experiment. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Dial-an-Excuse Wheel:
GET YOUR DUST IN A ROW: Make your house look slightly neater. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The DUST Bin: Honorable mentions
PRE-INDUSTRIOUS STAGE: The indefinite period preceding the last thirty minutes of a work deadline. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

ASDUTE: Not astute. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

MAST DURATION: Hang time.
"I can't get no vast elation
'Cause I've got low mast duration
Though I try and I try
My ED makes me cry ..." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) .

DT'S UTI: Karma. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

ASH TEST DUMMIES: What morticians practice cremation on. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

JUSTDEFY: Trump legal strategy: "In matters of compliance, he always asks his counsel to justdefy the law." (Steve Smith; Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

STDU: College where the top fraternity is Phi Beta Clappa. (Jesse Frankovich)

GREASY SKID STUFF: A most unwelcome discovery in one's undies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

BEST DUDE: The groom's bro. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

BICOASTDULL: "So, while we're regrouting our guest bathroom in L.A., we're having some duct work done at our house in the Hamptons..." (Judy Freed)

COITUS DISGUSTUS: "Ugh, it looked like like a mushroom." (Jesse Frankovich)

CRUD ST.: Chicago's Magnificent Mile before the rebrand. (Leif Picoult)

CRUDSTORM: The results of counterproductive crowdsourcing. "We asked people what they'd like to do with your new umbrellas, and, um . . ." (Frank Osen)

CRUDSTUFF: Warning sign that should be required at garage sales. (Frank Osen)

DISSERVICE INDUSTRY: Telemarketers, cable companies, Burger King, etc. (Jesse Frankovich)

DONALD SUTRA: "When you're a star, they let you do it." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

DUD ST.: Leads right to the Blvd. of Broken Dreams. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

DUST BOWEL: A region that's subject to shitstorms. (Frank Osen)

DUSTBASTER: Handheld vacuum that unexpectedly ejects its contents all over your kitchen. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

EXALTED TUSH: J.Lo's back! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

GHOSTDUSTERS: Cremation service that scatters ashes by plane. "Want your wife's cremains to be gone for good, who ya gonna call?" (Jon Gearhart)

GUTSDUMP: Colonoscopy prep. "All right, Mr. Jones, we're all set -- now be sure to do your gutsdump twelve hours before your appointment." (Judy Freed)

JUST D'OH! IT: The tagline for Nike's partnership with the Washington Commanders. (Steve Smith)

REDUSTRIBUTION: "I did clean my room, Mom -- don't you remember how dirty that other side of the desk was?" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

ST. DUDE: Apostle who was Jesus's favorite wingman. (Jon Ketzner)

STDU: An acronym for what I shout every time that damn Aflac commercial comes on. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

STDU: Trump aides' frantic text messages when the boss is rambling about, say, injecting bleach. (Duncan Stevens)

TD SUPER SCORING THING: For legal reasons, this is how we must refer to the big football game that's coming up. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

And Last: FIRST DUNCE: The almost-good-enough Invitational honorable mention that's placed right under the top four. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

The headline "The STUD Farm" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich, Tom Witte, and Neil Kurland all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 3: Our Week 56 contest for "dad jokes" turned into less wholesome "grandpa jokes." Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte; Neil Kurland)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1574, Published 01/25/2024
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The Invitational Week 56: Oh, Grandpa, Stop!
Turn a 'dad joke' into a less tame 'grandpa joke.' Plus 'K is for Kegels' and other alphabet rhymes.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 25, 2024

Hello. The sly figures above are Cynthia Pillsbury and her loving, cynical grandpa, Ebenezer Pillsbury, from the comic strip Barney & Clyde. (The above strip, from 2013, never ran in The Washington Post. It was killed for taste. You're reading it for the first time.) Cynthia is eleven. Ebenezer is old. He loves his granddaughter fiercely, but he doesn't feel a responsibility, as a father would, to be proper and to see that she's proper. In fact, he'd rather be her partner in a little subversiveness.

Hence his humor: Rather than bland, SFW dad jokes, Ebenezer likes to share what we'll call "grandpa jokes," as deemed by Barney & Clyde fan Valerie Holt, who suggested this contest.

For Invitational Week 56: Tell us a "dad joke" -- an old one or your own original -- and turn it into an edgy but not X-rated "grandpa joke."

"Dad jokes" -- Google that and you'll see lists of hundreds -- are usually short, wholesome Q&A riddles that involve a bland pun. Though we're not ruling out a very short joke in some other format, we're thinking of something like this one by Chris Doyle, recast from a similar Invitational contest in 2008 (full results here):

Q. When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
Dad joke: Your fingers.
Grandpa joke: Your toes, if the thing that went wrong was you lost your hands.

--

Today's Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Trump's chances of getting elected?
50-50
One in five,
Basically zero,
312 VOTES . 2 DAYS REMAINING


Click here for this week's entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-56. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. See the entry form for formatting instruction.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 3, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 8.

The winner gets, apropos of this contest, a spacious red T-shirt reading "Greatest Fa-" and here the "TH" is overwritten with "RT" to produce "Greatest Farter." Haha, what a gas. Donated by Ms. Pie Snelson, who is not a father and has never, to this day, farted.


What could be more boastful than a T-shirt emblazoned LOSER? Here we go!
Hey, we'd like your questions and observations, many of which we will respond to today in real time. Send them to this grotesque orange button:

grotesque orange button

Alphabetical Odor: The edgy couplets of Week 54

In Invitational Week 54, we asked you for adult versions of the "A is for *"/ "B is for*" rhyming couplets of classic primers. Perhaps reflecting the attention span of your less obsessive Loser, we received a disproportionate number of A/B rhymes over the rest of the alphabet. And yes, we are taking some chances here.

Third runner-up:
F is for Fire--there's smoke where it's at.
G's for George Santos, whose pants are on that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
C's for Compliance and following rules.
D's for Don't give a damn. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
A is for Apathy, lack of endeavor.
B is for Bleh, something-something, whatever. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the $100 bill socks:
D's for Depressed: Need a lift in your heart.
E's for ED: Need a lift in your part. (Judy Freed)

Alphabested: Honorable mentions
A is for Ass-talk from Trump's other noise-end.
B is the Blood he claims migrants have poisoned. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

B is for Boebert, she's always on brand.
C, she is Cocksure her job's well in hand. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

C is for Chatbot, like ChatGPT.
D's Dissertation it drafted for me. (Jesse Frankovich)

E's for Extremists, nursing their grudges.
F's for Fifth Circuit; they're known there as judges. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

E is for Elephants, mighty and gray.
F's for the Folks who will ask, "What were they?" (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

F is the Fragrance that wafts through your rooms.
G is for Gastrointestinal fumes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

F is a Florida man who just died.
G is the Gator he took as a bride. (Chris Doyle)

K's for Kill -- grab your gun and be ready to show it.
L's for Life -- pretty clear that you're not really Pro-it. (Judy Freed)

K is for Kegels. Just give a good squeeze.
L is for Leakage. And try not to sneeze. (Judy Freed)

K is for Kicking the back of my seat.
L is for Lopping off both of your feet. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

L is for Lecture: "You're doing it wrong."
M is the Marriage that didn't last long. (Judy Freed)

L's for the Love of a son and his Pap.
M is for Mike Johnson's porn-tracking app. (Judy Freed)

L is for Leech: blood it happily sucks.
M's for Mechanic: "That's nine hundred bucks." (Duncan Stevens)

N's for your Novel, which all agents hate.
O's for Ovation - well, your mom thinks it's great. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

R is for Reddit: Policing by mob.
S is for Substack: You're Nazi? No prob. (Scott Ableman, McLean, Va.)

W is for WaPo, where Losers did flitter.
X is for X-crement, formerly Twitter. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

And Last: I's for the Invite -- I'll write a knee-slapper!
J's for my Joke that winds up in the crapper. (Beverley Sharp)

And Even Laster: A's for AI, which has not won the 'Vite.
B is for Betting that someday it might. (Chris Doyle -- at least it said "Chris Doyle" *)

The headline "Alphabetical Odor" is by Jeff Shirley. Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 27: Our Week 55 contest for new terms containing some permutation of the letter block DUST. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Valery Holt)
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Title: (Jeff Shirley)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1573, Published 01/18/2024
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The Invitational Week 55: Tour de Fours -- Be STUD-ly
Give us a new word or phrase containing 'DUST' in any order of letters. Plus we bring out our dead of 2023 in verse.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 18, 2024

These lookalikes died in 2023, but one of them did not bomb Cambodia. See Dave Zarrow's tribute to his dad below, among this week's obit poems.

This week's Invitational: The Great DUST-up
It happened so fast that we didn't notice, but in last Week's Invitational, Loser Duncan Stevens gobbled up his 1,000th (and 1,001st) blot of Invite ink. Duncan, who's a lawyer for the FDIC, came to The Invitational in 2012 after people liked the song parodies he wrote for retirements and such at the office; he dipped his feet into the Invite pool for a few inks a year, then suddenly zoomed to the top reaches of the Loser standings, spattering up the Invite with more than a hundred blots every year -- a figure he's easily passed for seven years straight -- and winning the whole contest twenty-six times, most notably with his song parodies, but also every other challenge we've tossed in front of the Loser Community. (Here's a link to "The Style Invitational Runs on Dunc'n," a collection of his first 500.)

The "reward" we give to 1,000-ink Losers is an offer to both choose the next contest and to guest-judge the results. Some among the previous seven have agreed to do the Czar's and Empress's work for them; others have sanely declined. Duncan, you might be stunned to hear, also has a non-Invite life; there are the two kids who've grown from toddlerhood to adolescence with a Loser Daddy, and the distance running and bicyling, and the Ultimate tournaments, and LearnedLeague, and the church choir, and even some stuff he does for the government. So Duncan opted sensibly for just Part 1: to select the contest. It's a perennial -- our twentieth running, each with a different letter block.

For Invitational Week 55: Come up with a new term or multi-word phrase that includes the letter block DUST -- for DUncan STevens, see -- in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces between words are okay). Like these examples. The first two are by Duncan himself, the third is by The Czar:

GO DUTSH: Show up to the date so drunk that you can't manage to pay the bill.

EXODUST: "Yo, Pharaoh, this place is filthy! We're outta here."

ST. DUFUS: He was martyred by kissing a wall socket.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-55. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 1. Please see the entry form for formatting directions.

The winner gets the ever-useful Dial-an-Excuse wheel, which offers five different "reasons" for each of dozens of wrongs. Turn to "Forgot Birthday," say, and choose from Classic, "Later surprise planned"; Mundane, "Preoccupied at work"; Extenuating, "Mercury in retrograde"; Farfetched, "Gift stolen at gunpoint"; and Sob Story, "Childhood birthday trauma." Donated by the inexcusable Steve Smith.

Reader's Die-Jest: Celebrating the ex-folks of 2023
In Week 53 we asked you to commemorate in verse someone who died in 2023. As our obit poems do every year, they salute both the big names on the In Memoriam reel and those who didn't get their moment of fame till their remarkable demise.

Third runner-up: Confectioner Bob Born (1924-2023)
Bob Born would talk about the tricks
He learned producing candy chicks.
But now in his eternal sleep,
He isn't gonna make a Peep.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Actress Gina Lollobrigida (1927-2023)
Gina Lollobrigida
Made erections rigida. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up: Henry Kissinger (1923-2023) and Ray Zarrow (1920-2023)
Henry Kissinger and my Dad both died in '23;
Each of them managed to hang around for at least a century.
In public Dad was sometimes asked if he was Henry the K,
(Or Howard Cosell, but that's a story for a different day,)
Ol' Dad was super friendly, he would always say hello ta ya,
And never in his hundred-plus would he have bombed Cambodia.
(Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

And the winner of the pooping-dog toothpaste dispenser:
Among the dozens of trailblazers within their race, gender, ethnic group, sexual orientation, or religion who died last year:
Hooray for their firsts in pro bowling, car racing,
And tap dancing, sailing, and MBA-chasing,
In riding on horseback and superintending,
In modeling, judging, and perp-apprehending,
In violin playing and movie directing,
In signs-of-volcanic-eruption detecting,
Plus many more fields! And let's hope till we're bursting
That folks of all kinds soon will need no more firsting.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Urnable Mentions
Daredevil Robbie Knievel (1962-2023)
Off-road riding, damned near flying,
Up till lately, death-defying:
Robbie Knievel, Evel's son
Has passed away--his life is done.
Over chasms deep and wide
And rows of vehicles he'd ride.
His closing exploit, final stop:
A three-foot gap, a six-foot drop.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Stockton Rush (1962-2023), CEO of the OceanGate adventure-touring company
Taking tourists to view the Titanic,
Stockton Rush, like his name, sounded manic,
He said, "Safety's a waste!" and dispatched them posthaste,
In small pieces, throughout the Atlantic.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Al Jaffee (1921-2023)
For fifty-five years, the cartoonist Al Jaffee
Drew every Mad magazine back-cover Fold-In.
Determined as always to have the last laugh, he
Now lies in a grave he can LOL and be cold in.
(Chris Doyle)

II. "This casket is too small, and soon the service will begin:
I'm sorry, Mr. Jaffee, but I'll have to fold you in." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

III. The mourners file past with tear in eye,
And one asks, "Al, friend, why'd you have to die?"
Faintly, a voice--the merest of suggestions:
"To get away from all your stupid questions."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Confectioner Bob Born (1924-2023)

In tribute to Bob Born, let's bury a Peep,
Then dig it up after a twenty-year sleep.
The miracle chick will defy natural laws
And be just as edible as it never was.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Doyle Brunson (1933-2023), Hall of Fame poker player
A heart the size of Texas, that is what this legend had;
A club is where he played the game that made him oh so glad.
A spade was used for digging in his cemetery plot--
A diamond is forever, but Doyle, he was not. (Jesse Frankovich)

Emil C. Gotschlich (1935-2023), vaccine creator
Though shots of his vaccines may not delight us,
They beat meningococcal meningitis. (Melissa Balmain)

Miljenko "Mike" Grgich (1923-2023), winemaker
In sleepy Napa Valley, U.S.A.,
Mike Grgich made a tasty Chardonnay.
The vintage opened many people's eyes,
When --sacre bleu! -- in France, it won first prize.
And just like that, to Napa vintners raced,
With local farms and businesses displaced.
Today, on cars and tourists Napa chokes,
With no place left to live for just plain folks.
While over in Sonoma, locals share
Relief that Grgich didn't settle there.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Dick Butkus (1942-2023), Hall of Fame linebacker
Dick Butkus earned a lot of fame
For playing hard and taking aim
At anyone who ever came
Upon him in a football game.
And never felt a bit of shame
For having such a funny name. (Jesse Frankovich)

Theodore Kaczynski (1942-2023), the "Unabomber"
Kaczynski's gone, perhaps to meet his Maker,
Alone--as he preferred. The undertaker
(Perhaps to not invoke his Luddite ire)
Cremated Ted with good old-fashioned fire,
Then packed his dust and fragments up to go,
And sent him off to Texas, and below.
And--not to add a spoiler to this ode--
The box they sent him in did not explode. (David Franks)

Harry Lorayne (1926-2023), magician and memory whiz
His amazing feats of memory would instruct and entertain;
It sure would be ironic to forget Harry Lorayne.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Businessman Charlie Munger (1924-2023):
He spent his life investing
And made a bunch of cash.
He and Buffett crushed the game,
Developed quite a stash.
But those heady days are over,
He has nothing left to learn.
And for once in Charlie's lifetime
He won't get a return.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

W. Jason Morgan, plate tectonics geophysicist (1935-2023)
Dr. Morgan, an underground great,
Closely studied each underground plate
Until meeting his underground fate. (Jesse Frankovich)

Fred la Marmotte (died Feb. 2, 2023), the Punxsutawney Phil of Quebec
Ironic that on Groundhog Day,
Fred la Marmotte drew his last breath
And the only shadow that he saw
Was that of the Angel of Death. (Elliott Shevin)

Alice K. Ladas (1921-2023), co-author of "The G Spot"
Higgledy piggledy,
Alice K. Ladas was
Known for her book that was
Centered around

Touting a spot that is
Nonascertainable.
(Now that she's gone, she's as
Hard to be found.) (Jesse Frankovich)

Douglas Lenat (1950-2023), artificial-intelligence pioneer
He made AI more commonsense,
Then Doug Lenat departed hence
To death's bourn, where, it's said, he lingers
With six or seven extra fingers. (Frank Osen)

Art McNally (1925-2023), NFL Hall of Fame referee
The doctor stood beside the bed:
"There is no pulse. McNally's dead."
"Replay the tape," the nurse replied,
"To verify he really died."
She played the tape back in slo-mo
To watch the patient's fading glow,
Then faced the doc with upheld hands:
"The ruling on the gurney stands." (Rob Cohen)

Yevgeny Prigozhin (1961-2023), mercenary leader who led a rebellion against Russia's president
The death of Prigozhin was shocking and sad;
His days were cut short when he turned against Vlad.
When tangling with tyrants (I firmly opine):
Be careful! You're Putin your life on the line.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Mary Quant (1930-2023), mother of the miniskirt
Mary Quant
Knew what we want:
Skirts so far from maxi,
They make it impossible to gracefully get out of a taxi. (Melissa Balmain)

Pat Robertson (1930-2023)
A leading televangelist and avid Bible thumper.
Just scratch one of his followers -- you're sure to find a Trumper.
At bashing foes and gaining wealth he clearly was adept.
So what was the reaction up in heaven? Jesus wept.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Joseph Smith of Sumner County, Kan. (died Jan. 21, 2023, age 30 or 32 depending on the source)
Joe and dog Lucille went to hunt in his friend's truck,
He put his dog in the back seat with his friend's gun like a schmuck.
The dog stepped on the trigger and shot his owner dead.
The man today would be alive if he'd just used his head.
What's the moral to be learned from this? Well, let me be quite blunt:
If your dog likes "riding shotgun," better let her sit up front.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Unnamed Woman in New Zealand (died May 12, 2023)
The patient was homebound and just out the door
When dropped from a stretcher, face down on the floor.
She fell from a ledge (which was quite a surprise!);
Then hit by the stretcher, which caused her demise.
So always take care when you're out on the town:
An accident might turn your life upside down. (Beverley Sharp)

Embryologist Ian Wilmut (1944-2023)
Sir Ian Wilmut cloned Dolly the sheep
A feat that was truly a dilly.
He's gone now forever, he sleeps the Big Sleep
We will not see his like again ... will we? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Jim Brown (1936-2023), running back;
Fred White (1955-2023), drummer;
Shecky Greene (1926-2023), comedian;
Vida Blue (1949-2023), pitcher
Jim Brown, Fred White, and Shecky Greene, and also Vida Blue?
I do not think that we could bear to lose another hue! (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Reader's Die-Jest" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 20: Our Week 54 contest for edgy alphabet-book couplets. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Duncan Stevens)
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: (Steve "Potomac" Smith)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1572, Published 01/11/2024
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 54: S Is for Smartass
Presenting the Devil's Alphabet Soup. Plus new humor from old contests.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 11, 2024

The Invitational Week 54
Send us couplets of rhyming lines from any two consecutive (contiguous) pages of a wickedly seditious and cynical children's alphabet book, as in these two from a long-ago Invite:

K is for Klingon. What's that? You have met one?
L is for Life. I suggest that you get one. (Robert Schechter)

And :

G is for God-given rights, like big rifles.
H is for Health care and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain)

This the first time doing this contest that our judging is not constrained by the sometimes puritanical Washington Post rules of decorum, so have your way with it. We're judging each couplet independently -- themed lines covering a run of more than two letters won't get ink.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-54. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 20, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 25. While we'll run the results as two-line poems, please submit each couplet as one long line, and we'll break them up appropriately.

The winner gets two hundred dollars! In the form of a pair of socks, each of which is imprinted with a very large and elastic $100 bill. Show to the world that you know how to stretch a buck. Donated by Father Prize himself, Loser Dave Prevar.


Political wonks would call this walking-around money. This week's prize. (SockySock.com)

Deja Two: Another go at 25 contests from '23
In Week 52, in the second week of our annual retrospective, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational's contests from the second half of 2023, including limericks, song parodies, "life lessons," photo captions, and our stock in trade, new words.

Third runner-up:
From Week 39: Pair a line from a Bob Dylan song with your own rhyming line:
"Arise, arise," he cried so loud in a voice without restraint,
And folks hissed, "Shh, this is the quiet car! We'll issue a complaint!" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 35, Muldoons, which are quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and at least one rhyme:
I'd walk my dog in Central Park, I'd watch him pee and poop,
Then with my hand into a bag, his excrement I'd scoop.
But now my legs are weak, my sight is poor at ninety-three.
I wish to hell I'd trained my dog to do the same for me. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 50, the news events of 2024:
Stingier than ever, airlines now require passengers to bring food to serve to the flight attendants. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the Dull Men's Club Calendar:
Predicted news events of 2024:
Prince Andrew joins the Artist Formerly Known as Prince in being formerly known as Prince. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Re-ruins: Honorable mentions
Week 26, compare any two items on a random list:
Handel's Messiah: A tribute to the Son of God. A silent fart: Attribute to your son or dog. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 27, how businesses might pander to Trump's base:
Hallmark would market "Happy January 6" cards. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Texas Rangers would hold a Bring Your Gun to the Game day. (Steve Smith)

The famous pumpkin brand would make its slogan "We're Libby's. Own Us!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Hamilton would tour with a historically accurate cast. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Week 28, poems featuring words from the 2023 National Spelling Bee:
Chutzpah: nerve or temerity
"I'd like to see your manager," the woman said to me.
"The service here is terrible. I'm sure he will agree."
Replied I, "Ma'am, your chutzpah's entertaining -- I'm verklempt.
But this is still my courtroom, and I find you in contempt." (Mark Raffman)

Omphaloskepsis: navel-gazing:
Ommity-bommity,
Friend, have you gleaned any
Truths 'bout existence, or
Even a hint,

Eyeing your navel so
Omphaloskeptically?"
"Actually, bud, I'm just
Hunting for lint." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sabulous; sandy or gritty
They'd set out when the day was hot;
The beach had been the perfect spot!
He told her she looked sabulous;
She thought that he said "fabulous."
"No, no," he said, "that's not the case!"
She kicked some sand right in his face. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

To querken is to choke real hard
Even through the tears.
The Washington Commanders have
Been querkening for years. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Tolsester, a fee paid to a feudal lord for a license to brew ale):
Disbursed the funds to ply my trade;
Brewed Miller Lite all year.
My tolsester was just repaid!
The reason wasn't clear.
When I asked why: "That stuff you made?
Good Lord! You call that beer?" (Duncan Stevens)

Week 29, short sentences that include all 26 letters:
Balmy antivax dingwad quack RFK Jr. for prez? No shot. (Duncan Stevens)

Tonight I knew maybe every one of the Jeopardy! quiz answers; the questions, not exactly. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Week 31, neologisms formed from seven-letter "racks" in the ScrabbleGrams anagram game:
EGIMOST > OMGIEST: Most amazing. "That was the OMGiest thing I ever saw." (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

AEUKLPM > PALM UKE: Euphemism for an instrument that's played enthusiastically by teenage boys. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

ADEIMTY > YADTIME: Outdoor party in Boston. (Rob Cohen)

ADEIMTY > YAMTIDE: The holiday one month before Yuletide. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 32, limericks featuring words beginning with "ho-":
If the tortoise had challenged the hare
To race home, that would not have been fair
'Cause that would just be
One big shell game, you see,
'Cause the tortoise is already there. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Our trip to the Netherlands cost
So much that I drank till I lost
All feelings of woe.
Egged on by my bro,
I spent all of my Holland days sauced. (Jon Gearhart)

Week 33: Ask Backwards: We give the "answers"; you tell us the questions.
A. Donald Trump, PhD.
Q. Which American most resents sharing a name with someone else? (Jeff Contompasis)

A. Arguably, they're the same.
Q. If I want to show my commitment level, do I go "all in" or "all out"? (Jeff Contompasis)

Week 34, compare two people who share a birthday.
Sonja Henie (April 8, 1912) vs. Claudine Gay (April 8, 1970):
One knew how to skate on thin ice. (Steve Smith)

Shaquille O'Neal (March 6, 1972) and Michelangelo (March 6, 1475):
Towering figures in their fields, they both did great work in the paint. (Pam Shermeyer)

Babe Ruth (Feb. 6, 1895) and Zsa Zsa Gabor (Feb. 6, 1917):
For his homers, they dubbed him the Sultan of Swat;
Seven hundred fourteen was the number he hit.
Ms. Gabor had big numbers for tying the knot,
Though her tally of husbands was lower -- a bit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Week 35, Muldoons, quatrains that mention at least two body parts, a place name, and a rhyme:
Said Cyrano of Bergerac,
"This nose, so big -- I understand."
Said fair Roxane, replying back:
"Who cares? I'm looking at your hand." (Mark Raffman)

It has P, E, N, I, and S.
It's shaped like Chile. What's your guess?
I doubt there's one as stiff as mine--
Of course I'm speaking of the SPINE. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Week 37, "backronyms":
BOEBERT: Beetlejuice Offers Excellent Boyfriend-Erotic-Rubbing Time (Duncan Stevens)

Week 38: Chiasmus, phrases paired with their inversion, including spoonerisms:
Trump: "Hunter is a criminal who should be prosecuted."
Also Trump: "Prosecutors are criminals who should be hunted." (Mark Raffman)

"Have you emptied our trash cans yet?" "Done that bin there." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 39: Dylan "tailgaters," a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then paired with your own rhyming line:
I paid fifteen million dollars, twelve hundred and seventy-two cents
'Cause buying Supreme Court justices is quite a large expense. (Karen Lambert)

Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed:
You're hardly the first sick creep to watch me while I peed. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Week 40, song lyrics about the news:
Ballad of a Straw Man
To "If I Only Had a Brain"
Pay no heed to those indictments, those frivolous incitements,
In time they'll leave no stain!
Prosecutors whipped grand juries into anti-MAGA furies
Just to mess with my campaign.

Paid no porn star to keep quiet--did not incite a riot --
Keep docs? Oh, that's inane!
Lefties spread disinformation, tales of vote manipulation,
Just to mess with my campaign.

A smear to interfere with votes in '24:
"Make him someone that his base will not adore!"
With every count they love me more!

You can trust me, sure as shootin': the people prosecutin'
Are on a gravy train.
What those meanies, every one, did, that's because they're Soros-funded,
Out to mess with my campaign. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 41, neologisms "discovered" in a random word-find grid:
Phod: Vietnamese wabbit soup. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Lossie: Memory-impaired dog who keeps forgetting where Timmy went. (Jeff Contompasis)

Week 43, "Life lessons" to be learned from some milieu:
From reality TV: To rough it in the wilderness, take only the bare essentials: fire starter, pot, machete, and an array of makeup. (Pam Shermeyer)

From your parents: Always keep your banking password in a safe place, like your purse or wallet. (Steve Smith)

Week 46, "air quotes":
2"46"8, who do we appreciate?: A chant never heard at Trump rallies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A"cad"emic: A handsy professor. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Th"eat"er: "Acting was my life, but I found I needed to do more." (Frank Osen)

Donal"D J. T"rump: So narcissistic, even his name says his name. (Judy Freed)

I"ow"a: Location of Ron DeSantis campaign headquarters on Jan. 16. (Mark Raffman)

Back"woo"dsy: Comin' a-courtin' with a fresh rabbit and a bouquet of honeysuckle. (Pam Shermeyer)

S"mother": Being a helicopter mom. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Se"rv"ant: A SCOTUS justice who dutifully does the bidding of his patrons. (Chris Doyle)

Te"tan"us: So I stepped on a pop-top at Margaritaville Beach. What could go wrong? (Neil Kurland)

N"ew"s: A photojournalism story on Dr. Pimple Popper. (Jeff Hazle)

Week 47, compare two people who share some element of their names:
Alex Haley and Nikki Haley: Each is known for fictionalized accounts of slavery. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Bruce Jenner vs. Caitlyn Jenner: In addition to having the same parents, both had exactly the same circulatory and digestive systems. (Howard Walderman)

Week 48, bad news rewritten to sound like good news:
Original: The planet might have entered the age of 'global boiling' in 2023
Spun: Global warming may be a thing of the past (Jeff Contompasis)

O: Alaska Airlines Grounds Fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 Jets After Midair 'Incident'
S: Alaska Airlines to Dramatically Reduce Carbon Emissions (Karen Lambert)

O: Trump's criminality, his authoritarianism, and his malignant narcissism and psychopathy inextricably intertwine.
S: Trump may not be unraveling after all. (Judy Freed)

O: Nearly 700 Books Banned in Orange County, Florida
S: Orlando Libraries Dramatically Expand Shelf Capacity (Frank Osen)

Week 49, caption any of seven pictures:


Picasso's "Black Period" was better left forgotten. (Leif Picoult)

Week 50, news items from the coming year:
To make himself hipper, King Charles III rebrands as KC3. (Leif Picoult)

The Supreme Court rules 6-3 to reverse the Colorado decision barring Donald Trump from the ballot. Writing for the majority, Justice Thomas declares in full: "Because we said so, that's why." (Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Joe Biden is impeached for not having any of the evidence that House Republicans need in order to impeach him. (Duncan Stevens)

The D.C. area Metro system announces that, due to budget cutbacks, the Purple Line will be merely a pale lavender. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Air quotes: The Gene "Poo"l: Not the usual crap. It's better crap. (Neil Kurland)

The headline "Deja Two" is by Kevin Dopart; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 13: Our Week 53 contest for humorous poems about people who died in 2023. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Melissa Balmain; Robert Schechter)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Roy Ashley)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1571, Published 01/04/2024
---------------------------------------------
Invitational Week 53: Dead Letters, our annual obit poem contest
Write a funny verse about someone who died in 2023. Plus a Kook's Tour of new material from lots of previous contests.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JAN 4, 2024

In memory of the creator of both Mad Fold-Ins and "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions."

You ask Al Jaffee if he is dead.
He yells "NO!" all testy and curt --
"I'm just in bed! A flower bed!
It's comfy here, under the dirt."

--

For Invitational Week 53: Write a witty rhyming poem of no longer than eight lines about someone who died in 2023. Here's a list of eighty notable ex-beings that might help you, but you can Google "deaths 2023" and do your own research; winners of the Darwin Awards have inspired numerous Invite tributes over the years. And you should also check out the obit poems that got ink a year ago in our first Invite contest on Substack.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-53. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 13, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 18.

The winner gets -- as befitting this solemn exercise -- this dog-hindquarters-motif toothpaste dispenser; just push it over an open tube of toothpaste and squeeze it out the butt.


It's especially effective on the canine teeth. This week's prize. (Temu.com)
--

Back in the Pool: Another go at 24 contests from '23
In Week 51, we invited you to enter or reenter any or all of The Invitational's contests from the first half of 2023, everything from one-liners to neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies.

Third runner-up: From Week 16, "breed" two racehorse names and name the "foal":
Eastbound x There Be Dragons = Westbound! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Second runner-up: From Week 6, captions for any of seven varied pictures:


Sheila stepped up her search for the elusive purple peephole eater. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up: From Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie:
DIRTY DANCING > DANG! GRANNY CAN GRIND IT!: Baby's bubbe enrolls in hora lessons at the retirement home, and is an instant hit! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the 2024 calendar Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places:
From Week 10, to enter any contest from 1993:
Divide the world into two types of people:
Bold, iconoclastic freethinkers, and
People who play "adieu" as their first Wordle word.
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase Md.)

Rediddly-squat: Honorable mentions
From Week 1, poems about people who died in 2022

Robert J. Vlasic (1926-2022)
As a connoisseur of things preserved
For people that his business served
Mr. Vlasic would no doubt be tickled
To know if his remains were pickled.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

David Riston (1972-2022), snake collector:
A house that's full of pets is nice,
But full of snakes? He paid the price.
He wouldn't settle for a score;
He bought one hundred twenty-four.
He then sequestered every snake,
But all it took was one mistake.
They finally found him -- poisoned. (Gasp!)
And was he dead? You bet your asp.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

From Week 4, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from an article or ad, then follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
Real sentence: A: The city prohibits begging in that area under an ordinance from 2010.
Q: Why were Capitol Police officers called to the House floor during Kevin McCarthy's run for Speaker? (Judy Freed)

A: The llamas were dressed in a reindeer theme with antler headbands, glittery halters with tinkling bells and poinsettia-adorned wreaths.
Q: Mr. Santos, did you have pets when you lived in Brazil? (Judy Freed)

A: "We still had a lot of fun. It's not like it ruined the day."
Q: "Mr. Trump, sir, do you regret the violence that followed your January 6th speech?" (Judy Freed)

Week 5, a "circle of hell" and a punishment to fit the crime
For people who use "funny" names at Starbucks: "There's a Get Out of Hell ticket here for Mr. Jack Meehauf. Sorry, that's obviously a fake name. Next!" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

People who put pineapple on their pizzas will reside in a circle of Hell where George Will is eternally explaining that the pineapple (from neither a pine tree nor an apple) is not a product of European colonization and oppression, but is actually, somewhat counterintuitively but also quite clearly, an outgrowth of mid-19th-century socialist proposals to reorganize European colonialist economic systems. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Week 8, "pokes," old jokes told as rhyming poems
"You're saying the bank's turned me down for a loan?"
The stunned tightrope walker let loose a deep groan.
The banker's explanation was barely comprehended:
"When your balance is outstanding, credit cannot be extended." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

When she said she was leaving him, he tried to smile.
He asked her why, and she said that she'd been told
That he was twice convicted as a pedophile.
Said he, "That's a mighty big word for a twelve-year-old."
(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

The thing that's best about the Swiss?
I can't be sure, but maybe this:
Their flag? And if it isn't thus,
It's still at least a great big plus.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Fella calls his wife late one Sunday eve.
"Sorry, honey, I'm staying with my old friend Steve."
"No problem," she coos, "it's perfectly all right" --
And then says to her lover as he pushes in tight,
"My husband is staying at your house tonight."
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A man with a frog at a bar
Made a claim that was rather bizarre.
He said, "Not to sound classless or shady,
But my trained frog can please any lady."

He turned to a lass on his left,
Said his frog, as a lover, was deft.
She guffawed and said, "Ha. Fat chance."
He replied, "No, he's good at romance."

She then saucily told him to prove it,
And unbuttoned her skirt to remove it.
She lay down on the wooden bar counter
And waited for Froggie to mount her.

The frog did nothing but croak.
He made nary an effort to poke.
The man told the frog, "Do your thing.
Have a fun romp, an amorous fling.
Get up there and do as you may --
She's waiting for your big display."

But the frog continued to loll,
And the man, with a measure of gall,
Said, "Miss, he forgot how to score.
Would you mind if I show him once more?"
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie
Top Gun > Go Up on Pot: A Navy jet pilot feels the need -- the need for weed. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The Shining > The Insight: A movie star realizes he may have been overacting, just a little. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Animal House > A House Minus Assholes: Congress adjourns and leaves town for the holidays. (Mark Raffman)

Aladdin > Did Anal: An adult film of a lad in a lad. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York > Lost in New York! Lost in the West! Lost All! No Term 2! Now, the Law! Trump ruminates as he watches TV. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Week 10, enter any contest from our first year, 1993
Finish this joke: A nun, a rabbi and an atheist are taking a tour of the White House * and Trump is there to greet them.
He says to the nun, "How come your outfit hides your gams?"
He says to the rabbi, "What's with the funny hat?"
And he says to the atheist, "Why don't you believe in me?" (Leif Picoult)

Divide the world into two types of people:
Women who keep their big fat mouths shut, and
Women who aren't my type. - D.J.T. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Rename the Washington Redskins: The Virginia Commanders (Jeff Contompasis)

Ideas for statues: A one-foot Donald Trump statue labeled "World's Tallest Statue." (Leif Picoult)

Modernize an old quote or expression: I coulda been a contender. I coulda * had a participation trophy! (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Modernize an old quote or expression: I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man * wearing Crocs. (Lee Graham)

Week 11, a picture made by the Dall-E AI tool


The Darth Side of the Moon (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 12, Mess With Our Heads: "Bank headlines" that reinterpret real headlines
Real headline: 9 Predictions for how we'll eat in 2024
Bank head: Top forecast: chewing, then swallowing (Karen Lambert)

Week 14, make up new words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game
PADINOT > Opinata: A thin-skinned pundit who falls apart as soon as critics take a crack at him. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

PILNORU > Pro Rip: Competition category in the World Flatulence Invitational (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

LCEMOPT > Loptop: A guillotine. (Neil Kurland)

Week 15, snappy answers to stupid questions
Q: Sir, have you been drinking?
A: Yes, but I didn't inhale. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Q. Is that your baby?
A. No, it's my mom. She had a time travel mishap. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 16, "breed" two listed racehorses and name the foal to refer to both names
Fleet Feet x Point Proven = P.D.Q.E.D. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Chris Doyle)

Auguste Rodin x Low Expectations = The Gates of Heck (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Justice Department x Miracle Worker = Felon Keller (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Ready Shakespeare x Litigate = Exit, Sued by Bear (Jonathan Paul)

Top Recruit x Escalation = Hire and Higher (Eric Nelkin)

Blocked x Alternate Reality = Milk of Amnesia (Judy Freed)

Hit Show x Infinite Series = Magnum, Pi (Jesse Frankovich)

Yellow Brick x Fleet Feet = Auntie Enema (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Ben Franklin x Stormy Entry = 1,300 Benjamins (Mark Raffman)

Week 18, "breed" two inking entries from Week 16 to name a "grandfoal"
The Three Scrooges x Porn to Run = The Three Splooges (Jesse Frankovich)

USS Constipation x Storm Suer = Restraining Ordure (Jeff Contompasis)

Fonzie Scheme x Hanky Panky = Hump the Shark (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Week 19, write song parody lyrics that are "sung" by a certain politician

Donald Trump sings his 2023 Christmas message.
(To "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, ring your jingle bell,
While I pray you radicals will rot in hell.
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas, sing your happy tunes
While we lose our nation to you lefty loons.
[Bridge] Here we are -- Biden's lazy years,
Crooked, crazy years gone by.
Faithful fans who are dear to me
Will adhere to me or possibly die (of natural causes).
Soon enough, I'll be back in the White House -- doesn't matter how.
And Jack Smith can take his final bullshit bow.
And have yourself a merry fucking Christmas now. (Judy Freed)

I'll Be Trumpier the Second Time Around
To (Love Is Lovelier) "The Second Time Around"
Written and performed by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore


I'll be Trumpier the second time around,
And my enemies I'll run into the ground.
On Election Day there's nothing we won't do,
If the ballot box won't favor us, we'll win it in a coup.
When America returns to being great,
You will love it in my autocratic state.
Who can say what miracles might happen once I'm crowned?
There are those who say
We still have laws in play.
They won't get in my way *
The second time around.

Week 20, clerihews about current events
Senator Josh Hawley
Has strong views on how men should be manly, by gawly--
Though, when a right-wing mob is advancing, this particular man who fears for his butt'll
Ignominiously scuttle. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 24, tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product
You'll love the way we fly: Delta Airlines
You'll love the way we fry: Prison systems of Alabama, Florida, Kentucky, and Tennessee (Kevin Dopart)

Celebrate the Moments of Your Life: General Foods.
Celebrate the Movements of Your Life: Colace Stool Softener. (Chris Doyle)

Week 25, change one or more letters in a word to F
Mofotonous: Like some rap lyrics. (Tom Witte)

And Last: Anagrams for people or institutions:
The letters of THE INVITATIONAL LOSERS
rearrange to HAVE NOSTRILS IN A TOILET (Chris Doyle)

And Even Laster: Bank headlines
Headline: Fun Is Dead
Bank head: 'We made a promise when we killed The Style Invitational, and we've kept it!' Post editors say (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

The headline "Back in the Pool" is by Jon Ketzner; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 6: Our Week 52 contest to enter any of 25 contests from the past half-year.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jon Keetzner)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1570, Published 12/28/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational, Week 52: Replaying Around -- The 2023 retrospective, Part II
Enter or reenter our Week 26-50. Plus we tell you what happened next year.

PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 28, 2023
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
What will be the saucy title of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce breakup song? See this week's Invitational results below.

The New Contest
* which is a continuation of last week's contest, which we split in two parts onaconna we tend to get milliards and milliards and milliards of good entries from people who feel aggrieved at not getting ink the first time. Please note that "milliards" is not a neologism, but an antiquated British term meaning "billions," which was made famous by the poet and polymath Piet Hein, in this existential ditty:

Nature, it seems, is the popular name
For milliards and milliards and milliards
Of particles playing their infinite game
Of billiards and billiards and billiards.

For Invitational Week 52: Enter any or all of our 2023 Invitational contests from Week 26 through Week 50. You can enter a contest you missed, or reenter a contest with a better idea this time, or even a second shot with an entry that, dagnabit, deserved ink: Sometimes we do have too much good stuff in a given week, and so this ploy has borne fruit occasionally in our end-of-year retrospectives. (Click on the contest from two weeks later to see the results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to bit.ly/inv-form-52, NOT THE FORMS FROM THOSE WEEKS! Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 26: Compare or otherwise link any two items on the random list provided.
Week 27: How certain businesses might pander to Trump's faithful supporters.
Week 28: Write a short poem, or tell a riddle-style joke, featuring a word from this year's National Spelling Bee.
Week 29: Write a funny sentence that includes all 26 letters.
Week 30: Come up with a stupid online poll for a general-interest news site.
Week 31: Make up a new word by scrambling one of the seven-letter "racks" from that week's ScrabbleGrams word game.
Week 32: Write a limerick prominently featuring a word or name beginning with "ho-."
Week 33: Ask Backwards: We give the "answers"; you tell us the questions.
Week 34: Compare two people who share a birthday.
Week 35: Write a Muldoon, a four-line poem that features at least two body parts and a place name, and at least one rhyme.
Week 36: Offer either a reason to feel compassion for Trump-worshipers or a reason to respect and admire them.
Week 37: Backronyms: Snarkily describe someone or something as an acrostic, i.e., by spelling out its name with the first letters of the words of your description.
Week 38: Chiasmus: Write an original witticism containing a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, including spoonerisms.
Week 39: Dylan "tailgaters": Choose a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then pair it with your own rhyming line.
Week 40: Song lyrics about the news. (Videos also welcome.)
Week 41: "Discover" and define new words by snaking through a word-find grid. Week 42: "Am I the asshole?" situations.
Week 43: "Life lessons" to be learned from any particular milieu, such as the movies, working at the White House, etc.
Week 44: Monorhymes, poems whose lines all rhyme with one another.
Week 45: New items and descriptions for a mail order catalog such as Hammacher Schlemmer.
Week 46: Set off a word-within-a-word in "air quotes" to give a new context to the word, as in "fun"eral.
Week 47: Compare two people who share some element of their names.
Week 48: Humorously rewrite a bad-news sentence or headline to give it positive spin.
Week 49: Caption any of seven pictures we offer. (Results here.)
Week 50: In present tense, say what "happened" sometime in 2024 (see today's results).

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-52. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Check this list for a few special directions for specific contests, plus some other secret messages.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 6, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 11.

The winner gets the 2024 version of the sublime Dull Men's Club Calendar, which each month celebrates someone with a "unique and quirky passion." Such as Mr. July, "Dustbin Dave" of Norfolk, England, a trash can aficionado. The calendar also marks such notable occasions as International Clothesline Week, and the Rhubarb Festival of Intercourse, Pa. Donated by the anything-but-dull (or -man) Loser Melissa Balmain.

Ms. February Angela Clark in the Dull Men's Club calendar, with some of the 10,000 plastic bags in her collection. Oooh.
Wack to the Future: Our news from 2024
In Week 50, as we do at the end of every year, we asked you to help build a timeline of things that happen next year. Curiously, almost none of the entries dared tell what happens on Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2024, except for a couple that had Trump declaring victory from his prison cell.

Third runner-up: April 15: On the 112th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, the last known iceberg melts into the North Atlantic. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Second runner-up: Texas begins erecting a wall to keep women from escaping. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up: Biden's poll numbers drop further after he turns water into wine, but fails to create bourbon, mead, and non-alcoholic prosecco. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the 2023 pooping-dog ornament:
The NFL announces that next year's Super Bowl will be the halftime entertainment at a Taylor Swift concert. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Oraculls: Honorable mentions
January
Jan. 1: As Disney's copyright expires on the earliest Mickey Mouse images, Mickey immediately stars in anime porn, and Trojan releases a Steamboat Willie line of condoms. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The Supreme Court rules that Trump must be reinstated to the Colorado ballot. In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas writes that he must also be awarded 11,700 extra votes in the general election. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Rudy Giuliani appeals all his convictions to Supreme Court Total Landscaping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

February
Feb. 11: Moments after the 49ers beat the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVIII, Taylor Swift dumps Travis Kelce for Brock Purdy. Soon afterward she releases yet another breakup song, "You've Scored Your Last Time in My End Zone." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Mark Raffman)

Feb. 14: Lent begins this year on Valentine's Day. Millions of those who usually give up chocolate opt instead to give up kale. (Jeff Contompasis)

Elon Musk professes not to understand the furor that erupts after he adopts a swastika logo, explaining, "It's clearly just an X with a semi-serif font." (Frank Osen)

Continuing to insist on his innocence, Trump holds a classified-document sale to raise money for his legal bills. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

March
In a rare show of compromise, Congress passes a law for national year-round standard time by setting clocks back 37 minutes, except in Texas, where clocks will be set back 67 years. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signs an executive order pledging $3.5 billion over four years to find a cure for diversity. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Archaeologists discover an ancient drawing of what appears to be a caveman saving money on insurance. (Jesse Frankovich)

April
April 8: North America experiences a total solar eclipse. Trump rants that it's a Democratic plot to make him go blind. (Pam Shermeyer)

April 8: Tucker Carlson urges eclipse deniers to demand that President Biden resign for using millions of drones to block out the sun. (Rob Cohen)

April 27: Sen. John Fetterman attends the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in a single-breasted wool Louis Vuitton tuxedo jacket, black tie, and cargo shorts. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

April 30: On the anniversary of his death, Adolf Hitler's estate sues Donald Trump for quoting lines from der Fuhrer's speeches without attribution. (Jonathan Jensen)

May
Flagging ticket sales lead the NFL to announce that at least one player from each of the 32 teams will be required to date Taylor Swift. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The U.S. Border Patrol naively waves in a huge wooden burro. (Jesse Frankovich)

After learning he inadvertently shook an undocumented immigrant's hand, Donald Trump gets tested for blood poisoning. (Chris Doyle)

June
After trying mightily to control his lustful urges, House Speaker Mike Johnson gives a sobbing Swaggart-style "I have sinned" speech, announcing that he once ogled Kim Kardashian's ankles. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Elon Musk adds Tesla's Autopilot system to X. Users can now sit back and post venom without speaking or touching their keyboards. (Gary Crockett)

June 30: In the wildest round of conference expansion to date, the eighteen-team Big Ten adds Notre Dame, Australia, and Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)

Vice President Harris takes a Dale Carnegie course, but the company gives up and offers her a full refund. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio; Chris Doyle)

July
With the GOP nomination locked up, Trump doubles down on his Christian authoritarian theme with the campaign slogan "My Kingdom Come, My Will Be Done." (Kevin Dopart)

Biden's approval rating falls below the inflation rate. (Jesse Frankovich)

Using DNA samples, scientists try but fail to bring back from extinction a specimen of a moderate Republican. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

July 18: In accepting the Republican nomination, Donald Trump pledges to build a wall on the southern border. Later that night, Justin Trudeau makes the same pledge. (Steve Smith)

Trump announces that his running mate will be * himself: "Next time my VP will do as I say because he'll be me." (Leif Picoult)

July 24: Rep. Lauren Boebert wins the cow-milking contest at the Garfield County Fair. (Steve Smith)

Bangor, Maine, officially changes its name to Romance-Her-Gently, Maine. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

As more members of Gen X switch to edibles, a common expression heard at parties is "Don't Cookie Monster those gummies." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

August
Aug. 1: Having trained under the House Budget Committee, Team USA wins the Olympic gold medal in can-kicking. (Jesse Frankovich)

Aug. 5: Jeff Bezos marks his anniversary of buying The Washington Post by signing on Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg as co-owners, freeing the newspaper from financial constraints forevermore. The next week, 80 percent of the staff is laid off. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Republicans expose video of Hunter Biden with eleven items in the 10 Items or Less line. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

September
Regulators are concerned when Tesla's self-driving car begins drag-racing and playing chicken with other self-driving models. (Duncan Stevens)

Sept. 14: Paul Simon, age 83, hosts the premiere of "Saturday Night Live's" 50th season, featuring the surviving members of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players, with 91-year-old Willie Nelson as the musical guest. Baby boomers everywhere applaud and yell, "What'd he say?" (Jon Ketzner)

Spotting a driverless car moving erratically, a state trooper pulls it over and gives it a sobriety test. (Jonathan Jensen)

During Travis and Taylor's wedding, Kanye grabs the mic from the officiant and says, "Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you. I'm-a let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best weddings of all time!" (Leif Picoult)

A senator is caught introducing bills written by ChatGPT when one of them includes a grant to the NEA to be distributed among Art Garfunkel, Art Monk, and the estate of Art Linkletter. (Sam Mertens)

Elon Musk tries to be more relatable to British advertisers by telling them to "bugger off." (Jeff Hazle)

October
A reunion episode of "Friends" is aired with an AI-generated Matthew Perry, but viewers are put off by his seventeen fingers. (Sam Mertens)

House Speaker Mike Johnson legally changes his name to Mike Procreation Stick. (Leif Picoult)

Elon Musk buys the struggling New England Patriots for $44 billion and promptly renames them the Oath Keepers. (Steve Smith)

Right-wing billionaires complain to Fox News about how inflation is so out of control, they can barely afford to buy Supreme Court justices anymore. (Duncan Stevens)

At a torch-lit rally, Donald Trump vows to establish a Thousand-Year Day One. (Frank Osen)

November
When it becomes clear Trump will not be elected, Stephen Miller hops a submarine to South America and disappears into Paraguay. (Frank Osen)

Gov. DeSantis announces plan to combat antisemitism on Florida college campuses by converting all the Jews to Christianity. (Mark Raffman)

House Speaker Mike Johnson is voted out by Republicans who deem him insufficiently conservative. They schedule an AR-15 shooting competition to choose his replacement. (Jonathan Jensen)

December
Merriam-Webster announces that its 2024 Word of the Year is "shitshow." (Mark Raffman)

And Last: Taylor Swift wins the Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Pulitzer, Nobel, Pritzker, Medal of Freedom and NFL MVP, but fails to ink in The Invitational's limerick contest. (Rob Cohen)

And Even Laster: May 8: The Gene Pool is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Pubic Service. (Gary Crockett)

The headline "Wack to the Future" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 30: Our Week 51 contest to enter any of 24 contests from the first half of the year. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Melissa Balmain)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1569, Published 12/21/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 51: Look Back in Inker -- our 2023 retrospective, Part I
Enter or reenter our Week 1-25 contests. Plus winning picture captions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 21, 2023

A runner-up, by Diana Oertel of San Francisco, in our Week 49 caption contest. See the rest of the winners (and six other pictures) below.

The New Contest
A year ago this week, we announced that The Style Invitational, just axed by The Washington Post in one of its dumbest moves ever, would be getting its name shaved by a word, and would restart, almost without interruption, in The Gene Pool, straight from Week 1518 to Week 1. This week and next we'll look back on the 50 contests we've offered you since then, beginning this past January. And you'll get a chance to enter one or more that you missed, or give them another try.

For Invitational Week 51: Enter any or several of our 2023 Invitational contests from Week 1 through Week 25, except for Week 2 (duh, predictions for 2023).

So much to choose from! (Click on the contest from two weeks later to see the results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to bit.ly/inv-form-51, NOT THE FORMS FROM THOSE WEEKS! Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 1, poems about people who died in 2022 (not 2023)
Week 3, "joint legislation": Wordplay on congressional names.
Week 4, Questionable Journalism: Choose a sentence from an article or ad, then follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
Week 5, a "circle of hell" and a punishment to fit the crime
Week 6, captions for any of seven varied pictures
Week 7, a funny idea for an audacious new artwork
Week 8, "pokes," old jokes told as rhyming poems.
Week 9, use all the letters in a movie title to name a new movie
Week 10, enter any contest from our first year, 1993
Week 11, a picture made by the Dall-E AI tool
Week 12, Mess With Our Heads: "Bank headlines" that reinterpret real headlines
Week 13, what would be worse than a second Trump term
Week 14, make up new words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game
Week 15, snappy answers to stupid questions
Week 16, "breed" two horses nominated for the 2023 Triple Crown races and name the foal to refer cleverly to both parents' names
Week 17, make some funny art using toilet paper and/or tubes and send us a photo
Week 18, "breed" two inking entries from Week 16 to name a "grandfoal"
Week 19, write song parody lyrics that are "sung" by a certain politician
Week 20, four-line poems about current events in the form of a clerihew or "poed."
Week 21, tell how a scene in literature/movies/TV could be made more realistic
Week 22, captions for seven more pictures
Week 23, fake trivia about the weather
Week 24, tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product
Week 25, create a new word by adding F's to an existing word and/or changing letters to F.

(Hey, guess what we'll be running next week!)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-51. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. Check this list for a few special directions for specific contests, plus some other secret messages.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 30, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 4.

The winner gets to welcome 2024 with this excellent photo calendar.


When especially pretty nature calls. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Art Jestoration: Captions from Week 49
In Week 49 we once again presented a motley collection of pictures and asked you for captions.


He may have a bird in the hand, but his mind is on the bush. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

"Sorry, dear. The bird removal guys said they'd be here sometime between dawn and dusk." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Having already lost his feet, and ready to lose his thumb, Harry wondered what appendage the bird would eat next. (Judy Freed)

Isolde discreetly checks Tristan for plague boils before she agrees to kiss him. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Lancelot and Guinevere were completely unaware of the Pac-Man ghosts coming up from underground to eat them. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)


Second runner-up:
Even cannibal sheep won't eat muttonhead. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

"I asked for a head of GREENS." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

"Technically we're herbivores, but he did consume a lot of weed in his day." (Duncan Stevens, Washington, D.C.)

"Oh, it's a see-Czar salad!" (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"I thought 'Garten salad' was just a typo." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

"Compliments of Ms. Lakshmi." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Eric Shansby's cartoon originally accompanied Gene Weingarten's 2018 Washington Post column "Misadventures of an Adventurous Eater."


From the 2023 Christian Cowan fashion show in Paris; the model ended up crashing into guests in the front row.
The winner of the inflatable antler ring-toss headdress:
Fortunately, Carrie Fisher vetoed George Lucas's original plan for Princess Leia's hairstyle. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Third runner-up:
"Welcome to the second annual Pro Bowlers Association Fashion Week." (Lee Graham)

"Dall-E, draw a woman wearing a ball gown." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

At the paleontology conference, an aide displays an amazing find: the Sphinx's hairball. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

"Omigod, those boots are ridiculous!" (Jonathan Jensen; Jesse Frankovich)

On the planet of Grammaron, it's a big deal when a girl gets her first period. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The California Prunes campaign failed to increase sales. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A bad choice for a charades teammate. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Jane was beginning to regret not waxing her eyebrows. (Leif Picoult)

Leave a comment


"Look, I found a keister egg." (Jesse Frankovich)

Susannah had heard of a snow globe, but not a moon globe. (Duncan Stevens)

After getting her first iPhone, it took little time for Inge to discover online lesbian porn. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Clementine was in for a real surprise when she ordered a cup of Joe. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


Gene meets future Gene. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

(Too many people to credit offered up: "No, you pull MY finger!")


A sworded affair. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

"Mmm, your skirt smells so clean -- do you use wood ash or stale urine in your wash water?" (Pam Shermeyer)

"Hm, I see the entry wound, but no sign of that broken lance tip." (Jeff Contompasis)

"Figuratively! I meant you could figuratively 'kiss my arse'!" (Jeff Rackow)

"Thou wore thy magnetic underpants again, didn't thou, Sir Winslow?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

There's nothing worse than an awkward hug at the end of the knight. (Jesse Frankovich)

Sir Plushbottom and Sir Headley soon realized they'd forgotten their horse costume. (Ed Gordon, Austin, Tex.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Confirmed, Sir Calligan, that sneak attack scared thee shitless." (Sarah Walsh)

In the early days, it was difficult to pants a fellow knight in armor. (Dave Prevar)


First runner-up: When Chia Pets go rogue. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Tim was initially unclear on what being a hedge fund manager entailed. (Duncan Stevens)

Some climate-conscious European towns have replaced the tar-and-feathering of oil industry executives with more eco-friendly sap-and-leaf-molding. (Kevin Dopart)

The New York Giants have been without a mascot since Jolly Green was arrested for trademark infringement. (Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Art Jestoration" is by Chris Doyle.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 23: Our Week 50 "next year in review" contest for events to happen in 2024.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1568, Published 12/14/2023
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The Invitational Week 50: Nextra! Nextra!
Tell us the funny news events of 2024. Plus bad news spun winningly into humor.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 14, 2023
A Breakdown Of Shohei Ohtani's Insane $700 Million Contract
With that $700 million paycheck, look for Shohei Ohtani to do more than just being a star hitter and a star pitcher. The man's gotta do some work in 2024. (bosshunting.com.au)

The Seers' Catalog: Our annual Next Year in Review contest
March 28, 2024: On Opening Day, Shohei Ohtani immediately justifies his unprecedented $700 million contract by pitching a shutout for the L.A. Dodgers while also hitting three home runs, nailing a pitch-perfect "Star-Spangled Banner," and selling a record 243 hot dogs between innings in Section 115.

February: After President Biden slips on a banana peel while walking to the podium for a speech in Portsmouth, N.H., supermarket security footage from that morning surfaces of a woman resembling Vice President Harris furtively purchasing two bunches of Chiquitas.

Not gonna lie -- we're a bit worried about what could happen in 2024. A bit worried as in seriously considering not getting out of bed ever again beginning on the evening of next November 4. But for now, we might as well get the laughs in for The Invitational's annual Year in Preview chronicle.

This week for Invitational Week 50: Tell us as many as twenty-five humorous events that "happen" in 2024 -- as in the examples above by 97-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who's been writing his own Year in Preview calendar each year in his column Culture Schlock, and who inspired the Empress to steal his idea. Write them in present tense.

So how did The Invitational's 2023 predictions fare? Here's a sampling from Week 2 (complete results here):

May 6: Harry and Meghan are allowed to attend King Charles III's coronation, on the condition that they walk behind the royal carriage with brooms and buckets. (Pam Shermeyer) [Only Harry went, sans bucket but shunted to the sidelines]

A new study reveals that 45 percent of the nation's shirkers are now teleshirking. (Jesse Frankovich)

George Santos tearfully reveals he's the secret love child of Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa. (Leif Picoult)

And this got it partially right: Tucker Carlson is fired from Fox as being too "woke" when it is revealed that his testicle-tanning machine is solar-powered, using absolutely no fossil fuels. (John Hutchins)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-50. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form. No special formatting directions except our standard plea that you keep each entry on its own line: i.e., don't push Enter anywhere within a single entry.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 28.

The winner gets, as this annus horribilus horribles its way to its end, this Loserly wooden ornament, which we'll sign if you like and won't if you don't.

Out with the old *: This week's first prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Varnishing Acts: The positive spins of Week 48
In Week 48 we asked you to choose any downbeat sentence or headline from that week's news, and rewrite it to make it sound like good news.

Third runner-up:
Original: 2 Stabbings in 2 Days at New York City Schools
Spun version: Students Learn to Settle Arguments Without Guns (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
O: Shopping carts are known to be contaminated with bacteria and viruses.
S: You can boost your immune system while selecting your groceries! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

First runner-up:
O: Body of Male Juvenile Recovered at Pond in Waukee
S: Middle-Aged Police Officer Has the Body of a Teenager (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the deceptively complimentary tape measure (see description in the Week 48 announcement):
O: Candy company Mars uses cocoa harvested by kids as young as 5 in Ghana
S: Mars Inc. recognized for its work with children (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Glossed Under: Honorable mentions
Original: Shark Sends Swimmers Fleeing in Fear at Popular Australian Surf Spot
Spin: 27 Aussie Swimmers Set New Personal Bests in One Day (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

O: Car crashes through wall of Summerlin bank
S: Summerlin bank now open 24 hours (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

O: Police ramp up citations to reduce interstate traffic problems
S: As holidays approach, police are in a giving mood (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

O: Patriots' dismal performance reaches historic lows not seen since the 1930s
S: Pats' season is one for the record books (Frank Osen)

O: People increasingly think it's over [for DeSantis]. It's a dumpster fire.
S: DeSantis gives off a lot of warmth on the campaign trail. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

O: 60 students fall sick due to suspected food poisoning after eating in school mess
S: Here's one way to avoid gaining that 'freshman 15' (Frank Osen)

O: Cheney notes that when she first saw the photo of McCarthy meeting with Trump at Mar-a-Lago on Jan. 28, 2021 * she thought the photograph was a fake, believing "not even Kevin McCarthy could be this craven."
S: Cheney says McCarthy truly exceeded her expectations. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

O: Southeast Texas and Houston face risk of severe storms, tornadoes
S: Texas line-hung laundry to be washed and dried for free (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

O: If convicted, Patel may be required to forfeit property "in the amount of at least $22,221,454.40, which represents the proceeds of the offense"
S: Amit Patel did not steal $23 million, his defense attorney says. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

O (New York Post): Loud fart sound erupts during John Kerry's speech at climate panel
S: Methane emissions are front and center at Dubai conference (Frank Osen)

O: Musk told advertisers who have fled his social media platform X over antisemitic content to "Go fuck yourself."
S: Musk said he hopes his onetime advertisers can find satisfaction elsewhere. (Leif Picoult; Paul Styrene, Olney, Md.; Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

O: Teacher loses it and throws chair after being "disrespected" by students
S: Educator takes novel approach to demonstrating Newton's First Law (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

O: LAPD patrol car crashes into building, hits pedestrian
S: Police are establishing close contact with the community (Frank Osen)

O: Why Are Nonprofit Hospitals Focused More on Dollars Than Patients?
S: Nonprofit Hospitals Go Green (Leif Picoult)

O: Climate change is pushing Earth toward these 5 disastrous scenarios
S; Climate change debate is close to being resolved (Jon Gearhart)

O: Florida is one of the states now reporting "high" levels of respiratory illnesses.
S: Many find Florida in the winter truly breathtaking. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

O: More people are dying in Puerto Rico as its health-care system crumbles
S: Business climate improves for San Juan funeral homes (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

O: Man attacks woman for not paying for his drink
S: Man boldly challenges traditional gender roles in dating (Jonathan Jensen)

O: Buying guns for criminals: Easy, illegal and 'extremely difficult' to stop
S: Gift shopping for that difficult relative? Now it's a snap (Duncan Stevens)

O: Federal failure could lower financial aid for college students
S: Hiring prospects look bright for McDonald's near campus (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

O: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-empty stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline.
S: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-full stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Varnishing Acts" is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 16: Our Week 49 contest for captions to various cartoons, paintings, and photos.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Malcolm Fleschner; Pam Shermeyer; Leif Picoult; Jesse Frankovich; John Hutchins)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1567, Published 12/07/2023
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Invitational Week 49: Picture This
A caption contest. Plus comparing Agatha Christie and Chris Christie, and other paired names.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 7, 2023

The first of the pictures in The Invitational's caption contest this week. See six more below.
--

Hello.
Welcome to the Thursday Gene Pool, which, as always, you have been waiting for with bated breath because it contains The Invitational, Week 49, as well as some art from the great Eric Shansby, superstar illustrator for Gene's former column. (If you illegally convert them to NFTs you can sell them for millions.)

For Invitational Week 49: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the pictures below or the one above. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in "A. [your caption]." For guidance, inspiration, and plain ol' entertainment, take a look at the results of Week 6 and the results of Week 22 to see what we like in a caption. Don't bother tracking down the source of the original; that shouldn't be the point of your caption.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-49. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 16, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 21.

The winner gets, just in time to be too late for Christmas, a set of inflatable antlers on which you can play inflatable-ring toss on someone's head. The Empress walked around in one of these at a Loser holiday party, and to be honest, they tended to tip over. Maybe yours will be perkier. Donated, as so many Loser prizes are, by the redoubtable Dave Prevar.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a personal email from the Empress.

Saming Names: Pairs compared in Invitational Week 47
In Week 47 we asked you to compare any two people who have some common element in their names. Some connections cracked us up not with their pithy wordplay but with their, well, hilariously unfunny but still funny convolution, like this one: "In 2018, A'ja Wilson was drafted first overall by the Las Vegas Aces. On May 20, 2018, in her career debut, Wilson scored fourteen points along with 10 rebounds in a 101-65 loss to the Connecticut Sun. In 1918 President Woodrow Wilson issued his Fourteen Points, a statement of principles for peace to be used in negotiations to end World War I."

Don't worry. It gets better.

Third runner-up: Linda Blair and Linda Lovelace: The first was famous for what came out of her mouth. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up: Clark Clifford served President Johnson. Stephanie Clifford serviced a president's johnson. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: Audrey "Alice Kramden" Meadows and Mark Meadows: Only Audrey knew how to control a fat loudmouth from New York City. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

And the winner of the earrings that look as if a cat is trying to run through your earlobe:

David Cassidy and Cassidy Hutchinson both gained fame and popularity singing on television. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Nope-menclature: Honorable mentions
Adam West: Plays Batman. Kanye West: Plays Batty Man. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Agatha Christie: Who done it? Chris Christie: Done. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Barbara Millicent Roberts vs. Chief Justice John Roberts: Both work with enormous boobs. (Leif Picoult)

Bart Simpson vs. O.J. Simpson: One gets away with murder figuratively. (Leif Picoult)

Both Charlie McCarthy and Kevin McCarthy were puppets, but Charlie wasn't thrown out for scrap. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Chuck Yeager vs. Chuck Norris: Norris can break the sound barrier with his bare hands. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Commander (Joe Biden's dog) and the Washington Commanders: They both bite. (Mark Raffman)

Defensive lineman Aaron Donald and Donald Trump: The first is known for penetrating the offense, the second for penetrating offensively. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Don Juan and Donald Duck both spend a lot of time with no pants on. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Don McLean: Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Donald Trump: Bye, bye, America. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Dread Pirate Roberts would demand absolute loyalty from his crew of miscreants and ne'er-do-wells; John Roberts wishes he could. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Fred Astaire: His feet drove his career. Fred Flintstone: His feet drove his car. (Jesse Frankovich)

George Washington vs. George Santos: One was the first President of the United States and the other was the first Vice President of the United States. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

John Henry and Henry Kissinger: One was a steel-drivin' man, the other was a deal- strivin' man. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

James Taylor: You've got a friend. Taylor Swift: You've got 530 million friends. (Chris Doyle)

Kevin McCarthy and Kevin from Home Alone: The kid from the movie left his house in better shape. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Lauren Bacall famously put her lips together and blew. Lauren Boebert famously used her hand. (Kevin Dopart)

Mean Joe Greene and Marjorie Taylor Greene: One would tear your head off just for spite. The other was a lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Neville Chamberlain: "Peace in our time." Wilt Chamberlain: "20,000 pieces in my time!" (Chris Doyle)

Sandra Day O'Connor: Tolerated a bunch of guys in robes. Sinead O'Connor: Did not. (Duncan Stevens)

Sonny Jurgensen had a good day with a touchdown pass. Sonny Corleone would have had a good day with an E-Z Pass. (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)

The difference between Sen. Tommy Tuberville and Tommy "Pinball Wizard" Walker: Tuberville is just dumb. (Kevin Dopart)

Thurston Howell III and Commanders quarterback Sam Howell: Each is stranded in a desolate place with a clueless skipper and a bunch of losers. (Mark Raffman)

And Last: Gene Weingarten and Gene Shalit: The film critic has better hair. (Chris Doyle)

The headline "Saming Names" is by Tom Witte; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 9: Our Week 48 contest to spin a negative sentence or headline into positive-sounding news. Click here for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1566, Published 11/30/2023
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The Invitational Week 48: Well, the Good News Is ...
Put positive spin on a bad-news headline. Plus AN"TIP"ATHY and more winning "air quotes."
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 30, 2023
Sugar-Coating Sin - Our Parent Hood Ph
How's your flair for audacious sugarcoating? Find out in this week's Invitational.

This week's Invitational: Be nice!
Original line from a Washington Post article:
Maine's governor told critics Friday to "kiss my butt" over
his decision not to attend the state NAACP's annual Martin Luther King
Jr. Day celebrations.
The same news with positive spin:
Maine's governor found it in his heart to turn the other cheek. (Dixon Wragg)

Original: Tom DeLay, former U.S. House leader, sentenced to 3 years in prison
Spin: Government again calls DeLay to serve (Roy Ashley)

Oh, we in the news media (ahem, we who used to be in the news media) are always so mean, so cynical, interpreting every action and comment in the worst possible light. Just ask Donald Trump -- so unfair! But we could have ended up with careers in "communications," a.k.a. PR, which requires a different talent, one we'll try to evince today: For Invitational Week 48: Take any sentence (or substantive part of a sentence) or a headline, from an article or ad published in print or online from Nov. 28 through Dec. 9, and make it sound more upbeat (or not so bad), as in the classic examples above from a 2011 Style Invitational. (Complete results here.)

Obviously you need to give us the original quote, followed by your sugarcoated revision, along with a link to the article if it's online, or the name, date, and page number of the publication if it's in print. Don't worry about getting everything on a single line, our usual request.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-48. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 9, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 14.

And totally apropos of this contest, the winner receives a truly amazing device that will instantly take inches off your waistline with no dieting, exercise, or even corsetry: It's a shoelace-thin tape measure that arrived last week from China along with a bathroom scale that the Empress ordered. On one side, it's in perfectly normal centimeters. But on the other it's inches -- or "inches." Each "inch" is about 1.3 of the real ones, and so the tape measured the E's waist at a Barbie-like 21. It'll be hard to give this baby up, but we sacrifice for the good of The Invitational. (The bathroom scale, alas, doesn't cheat.)


A mean, disgraceful fake-news tape measure, top, and this week's much more complimentary prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

New Mean'in'gs: The 'air quotes' of Week 46
In Week 46 we asked you to put part of a word or phrase into "air quotes" and then define the word in the context of that highlighted part.

Third runner-up: "MUSK"M"ELON": Fruit that's quickly rotted on the vine. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up: AN"TIP"ATHY: Why no, I do NOT wish to add a 20 percent gratuity -- hellooo, this is a self-service kiosk! (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up: AM"BRO"SIA: Beer. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Word Nerd socks:
THU"MBS"CREW: Saudi peacekeeping tool. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

MUC'HO HUM'OR: Honorable mentions
"FU"NNY: What you call a joke you find amusing and to hell with anyone who is offended by it. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A"POL"OGY: "I'm truly sorry if anyone might have been offended by my innocuous, inadvertent, well-meaning comment that in no way reflects who I am or what I believe." (Karen Lambert)

"NO"TIFY: Don't call us, we'll call you. (Gary Crockett)

C"HARDON"NAY: Something cold that gets me hot. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

NI"TP"ICKING: "Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to put the roll on the right way?" (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

RO"UGH"ING IT: For many people, camping. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

"AMEN"ITIES: Televangelists' private jets. (Gary Crockett)

"APP"REHENSION: The sudden feeling you've just downloaded malware. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

"BAM"BI: The inspiration behind Emeril Lagasse's venison chili. (Neil Kurland)

"GEORGE-SAN"TOS: "Did I mention that I'm also a sumo champion?" (Neil Kurland)

AMUSE-B"OUCH"E: "They charged me $24 for that little dab of sherbet they brought out after the soup?" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

AN"XI"ETY: Did China just offer to help Russia build a tunnel into Crimea? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

BA"T MI"TZVAH: When you're at the same table as Bubbe at the reception and she won't stop talking about her urinary problems. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

BEN"EDICT"ION: Now go forth in peace, thankful for the Lord's blessings, love one another, serving others with meekness, tenderness, mercy, and humility, AND THAT'S AN ORDER! (Roy Ashley)

LUNCH"EON": For the love of God, please no more speeches! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

DRUN"KEN"NESS: Party time at the Mojo Dojo Casa House! (Karen Lambert)

EX"CELL"ENT: Trump's prospects for 2024 -- Fani Willis (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

F"AU"X: What pyrite is. (Chris Doyle)

F"AI"L: The result when they discover how you "wrote" your term paper. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

SAM H"O""WELL": Another Commanders quarterback, another lost year * (Mark Raffman)

MIKE J"OH"NSON: Okay, now I see how we could do worse than Kevin. (Gary Crockett)

NE"W HAM"PSHIRE: A place that's dealt a knockout blow to many a presidential hopeful. (Jonathan Jensen)

P"OWE"RBALL: Not the best strategy for personal debt reduction. (Judy Freed)

P"UTI"N: Maybe that's why he's so ornery. (Neil Kurland)

P"ARENT"S-TO-BE: A high school couple who seem awfully relieved. (Frank Osen)

SAC"RAMEN"T: A divine rite of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Tokyo Branch. (Kevin Dopart)

SU"BS"IDIES: Important government expenditures for things like coal, private jets, and football stadiums. (Jesse Frankovich)

T"ANGER"INE: An orange-hued complexion associated with fury. (Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart)

T"HER"MOSTAT: "Is it just fifty-year-old me, or does it suddenly feel like an oven in here?" (Karen Lambert)

U"NDE"RWIRE BRA: "To say this thing is killing me is only a slight exaggeration." (Judy Freed)

"MANIC"URE: What nervous nail-biters give themselves. (Frank Osen)

C"HIT"CHAT: Gossip about a contract to make Louie the Fink disappear. (Pam Shermeyer)

"NAP"OLEON: Ridley Scott's new 2 1/2-hour epic snoozefest. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.; Mark Raffman)

And Last: RE"GENE"RATE: To post decades-old columns within live chats to entice new subscribers. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And Even Laster: "AI"R QUOTES: Hopefully, they weren't used in this contest. (Neil Kurland)

And Lastest of All: EX"CREME"NT: The best of the worst. "Rob's entry was the excrement of the honorable mentions." (Rob Cohen)

The headline "New Mean'in'gs" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 2: Our Week 47 contest to compare two people with a shared part of their names. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Dixon Wragg; Roy Ashley)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


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Week 1565, Published 11/23/2023
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The Invitational Week 47: Oh, for Namesakes!
Compare two people who share part of a name. Plus winning ideas for catalog gift items.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 23, 2023

The difference between Laker Magic Johnson and Speaker Mike Johnson? See below in this week's Invitational contest.
Happy Thanksgiving! So sorry that you don't have any better place to be right now. We'll do our best to entertain you.

This week's Invitational: Har Monikers
The difference between Marie Antoinette and Marie Curie: Marie Curie had a good head on her shoulders. (Peter Metrinko)

Seth Thomas vs. Clarence Thomas: Seth wanted time to move forward. (Jack Cackler)

Cynthia Nixon had sex in the city; Richard Nixon screwed the whole country. (Robert Schechter)

Magic Johnson vs. Mike Johnson: One is famed as a highlight of the Dream Team, the other for highlighting his teen's "dreams."

Here's a contest we haven't done in more than a decade. So many new names to play with! For Week 47: Humorously compare two people who share some element of their names, as in the entries above; the first three are from Invitational contests in 2004 and 2012. The element doesn't have to be spelled exactly the same, but don't make it a stretch.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-47. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 2, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 7.

The last time we did this contest, back in 2004, the prize was a pair of tasseled pasties. This year we're a bit tamer: The winner gets a little bitty pair of earrings that look as if two googly-eyed little bitty black cats have plowed straight through your earlobes.

And you thought it was cool how they could squeeze into boxes. This week's prize. (Temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions. Gene won't be answering them in real time today -- no one is around because everyone is giving thanks to their individual personal deities via eating and excreting too much -- but he will voluminously respond on Tuesday. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

tasteful orange button

Catalogical Humor: The products of Week 45
In Week 45 we asked you to come up with items that were only slightly more ridiculous than the actual content of such catalogs as Hammacher Schlemmer or The Sharper Image.

Third runner-up: The All-Purpose Stick: You can hike with it. You can roast marshmallows on it. You can write in the sand with it. You can use it to fend off muggers. Made of 100 percent wood, this stick does what sticks have always done --whatever you want them to do. $350, shipping included. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Digital-to-Cassette Converter: Looking for a more cumbersome, less durable way to store music? With this converter, you can toggle between fast-forward and rewind to find the start of your favorite songs just the way you did in your dorm room in 1975. Just plug in your phone, select a song or playlist from your library or streaming service -- and it records to a standard cassette (available separately). $229.99. Genuine No. 2 pencil included! (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up: This potato-powered golf cart provides environmentally friendly transport around your senior-living community. It takes just 47,000 average-size potatoes to go 400 yards. $12,500, payable in three installments. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the vintage Style Invitational Whole Fools Grossery Bag:
The E-Twirler Fork. Stick this ingenious utensil into your pasta, press a button on the handle, and voila - the fork spins automatically. Just press the "off" button when your fork is sufficiently loaded. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md. )

The Duller Image: Honorable mentions
Fake-Meat Rotisserie: Why let carnivores have all the fun? Take your turkey-shaped tofu and put it on a proper spit! This handsome stainless-steel marvel will be the showpiece of your indoor or outdoor kitchen. $2,500 complete with cover. (Leif Picoult)

Marino wool slippers: These ultra-comfortable moccasins are made from the soft curly hair of Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino. Choose from black or gray. Quantities limited. (Tom Witte)

Bose Quiet Comfort Noise-Canceling Nail Clippers: Worried that everyone in the office hates you? Keep your disgusting personal grooming habits on the down-low with our industry-leading STFU technology. $199 for toenail clippers, $189 for fingernails, or save with the set for only $349.95. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

The Trash Tracker: Put this single-use GPS in your garbage bag and watch your trash's progress all the way to the landfill with the dedicated app. A fine civic education for all! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Feel a little embarrassed about the noise your leaf blower is making? Our SymphonySweep blower masks the roar by blasting classical music over it. Entertain and enlighten the neighbors with a rousing "1812 Overture" as you round up that maple mess. (Duncan Stevens)

Palm Popcorn Popper: This miniature battery-operated popper fits in the palm of your hand! Conveniently popping five kernels at a time, you can watch a whole movie without ever having to leave your couch to get a snack. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Lint Bank: Finally a safe place to put all the lint you extract from your bellybutton and elsewhere. This lock-tight safe, approved by the American Vault Association, keeps your lint where it should be -- away from thieving hands. $1,250 complete with two keys. (Leif Picoult)

GPS Smart Socks: Tired of losing socks in the dryer? Upgrade your laundry experience with the ultimate hosiery system: Receive precise real-time location updates with the easy-to-use mobile app. $89 per pair. (Jesse Frankovich)

The AutoButterer: Never again tear apart a fresh piece of toast by trying to spread a cold pat of butter across it! This device applies a consistent layer of softened, warmed butter every time. Butter cartridges sold separately, just like printer ink. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

An electronic kazoo. It saves the effort of constant humming. (Duncan Stevens)

A Treasury of Hilarious 19th-Century Catalogues: Ludicrous undergarments. slippers to cure neuropathy, heated back-therapy stones! You won't believe the things those gullible rubes once bought from catalogs. Special prize included with the first 100 books purchased. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

For the ultimate in double-decker enjoyment: A mechanical ice cream cone rotator, so you don't have to lick around the center. $47.95. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Toothbrush bag: Designed with the philosophy to do one thing and do it well, this shoulder sling bag has a single small pouch perfectly sized to hold one manual toothbrush for all your travels. $29.95, three for $74.95. (Sam Mertens)

Eat candy like Van Halen with your own AI-enabled M&M's color sorter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Calgon Autonomous Stroller: Send your colicky bundle of joy on a walk around the neighborhood from the comfort of your own bathtub. $4,995; pictured Chardonnay not included. (Jesse Frankovich)

Driverless Tricycle: When you put your child on a Robo-Trike, you also place them in the highest percentile of kids who'll grow up already prepared to not drive the driverless cars of the future. Each Robo-Trike arrives with a personalized waiver of liability and neck brace. (Frank Osen)

Do you value the coziness and tradition of a warm, woolly cardigan? If so, you'll surely treasure this cardigan emblazoned with the message "I Love Cardigans." (Tom Witte)

125 HP propeller beanie: We've updated this historic headgear with an engine powerful enough to have you aloft in seconds. Why play with drones when you can be one? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Deluxe Nose Hair Braider: Turn a grooming turn-off into a triumphant turn-on. Simply select your desired setting on this rechargeable device -- French braid, Dutch braid, Milkmaid braid, or Micro braid -- and press the "twirl" button. Within seconds, your nostrils will dare to show some flair. $175 with illustrated manual. (Leif Picoult)

Cellulite-Busting Vibrating Toilet Seat: A flawless bottom can be yours -- simply take a seat and let the vibrations do their job while you do your business. Also helpful with irregularity! (Judy Freed)

Is your snotty coffee-gourmet neighbor coming over and all you have is ground java in a bag? Using a patented food-grade glue, The Coffee Ungrinder will make them into "whole beans" --they'll never know. $395 -- free shipping if you order before Dec. 10. (Leif Picoult)

Finger-Shaped Nose Picker. Keep your hands clean and use this unique tool to reach all corners of your nostril. Tiny spring mechanism provides realistic flick action! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

This talking electronic poodle walks around your house and even poops out batteries when it's time to replace them. $195. (Gregory Koch)

Identifart Handheld Gas Analyzer: Never wonder who dealt it again. Great for cars, elevators, and yoga classes. $400 with discreet case. (Jesse Frankovich)

Tall and Slim Foundation Garment: This full-length bodysuit uses a patent-pending system that pushes your gut flab down through your legs and into your feet. Instantly, you are thinner and taller. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Jon Ketzner)

Salute your roots with a "Real Men Love Parsnips" T-shirt. Color choices include parsnip and off-parsnip. (Tom Witte)

Protective House Blanket. Afraid of weather damage to your vacation home while you're away? Simply throw on our exclusive House Blanket to encase your entire home. Please specify Chalet, Villa, or Mansion size. (Rob Cohen)

American Classic Lawn Dart Tips: Don't you wish you could show your grandchildren the real lawn darts, the ones with those THWACKing metal points you enjoyed as a kid? While they've been illegal since 1988, you can give them that same experience with these weighted steel tips. Fit them right onto those little pillowy things they sell today, and voila, it's 1963 again in your back yard. Legal as far as we know, but disclaimer included. (Jon Ketzner)

This non-electric thermite exothermic toaster is perfect for when you want a fresh hot Pop-Tart in the bathtub. (Kevin Dopart)

Solar-powered microwave: Love backpacking but hate beef jerky and trail mix? Now you can enjoy your favorite hot foods without the hassle of building a fire. Runs up to five minutes on four hours of charging. S'mores were never so easy! Shipping weight 20 pounds. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Gas Bibs: Line the opening of your car's gas tank with one of these disposable paper inserts before filling up, and when you're done they'll catch that last drip from the fuel nozzle. Pack of 20; sign up for refills by subscription. (Sam Mertens)

Batteryless remote: Never run out of batteries or get off the couch again when you poke the TV with this really long stick. (Sam Mertens)

Don't look to unsanitary Southeast Asian factories for civet poop coffee. Use beans from all-American Felis catus excreta, made in Manhattan by New York's finest alley cats. 59.95/lb. plus shipping. (Kevin Dopart)

Pencil sharpener sharpener: Sure, you use a sharpener to keep your pencils pointy, but what about when it gets dull? Enter our sharpener sharpener, which will have your sharpener sharpening like new. (Sam Mertens)

TP Maker: Don't recycle those old newspapers, magazine, junk mail, and wallpaper samples -- now you can make your own toilet tissue from scrap paper just lying around your home. This ingenious device will cut those papers into crisp 3-inch squares, perfect for use in the lavatory. Purchase of the TP Maker constitutes an acceptance of all responsibility for its use. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline "Catalogical Humor"is by Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 25: Our Week 46 contest for "air quotes" -- words within other words. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Peter Metrinko; Jack Cackler; Robert Schechter)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1564, Published 11/16/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 46: "Air" "Quotes"
A new forefinger contest, plus 'monorhyme' poems on Taylor Swift, Hamlet, and more
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 16, 2023

New Contest: 'Air' 'Quotes'
For Invitational Week 46: Take a word, name, or phrase and put a portion of it in "air quotes," then define it in the context of the highlighted part. You can't change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation, and spacing. So you don't send us what we've already published: we do not want to see "'fun'eral" or "Donald T'rump.' "

Example: Satis"fact"ion: When Google proves you are right and your spouse is
wrong. (David Kleinbard)

Another example: h"USB"and: Consider yourself lucky if you get it right on the first try. (Hildy Zampella)

This just in! Within hours after we published this column, Hall of Fame Loser Jeff Contompasis compiled a list of the hundreds of air quotes that have gotten ink in earlier Invitationals -- and invited us to share it. Here it is, from "Alas"ka to Z"ucch"ini.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-46. Please see formatting instructions on the form. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 25, at 4 p.m. ET. No need to waste your time on Thanksgiving watching football, talking with your visiting relatives, etc., when you can be doing this. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 30.

The winner gets a fine pair of socks labeled "Big Ol' Word Nerd" on the calf, donated by Medium-Size Ol' Word Nerd Dave Prevar. These are men's size; we'll put up the women's-size ones in the future.

Of course, your pants legs will need to be high enough to show off your honorific. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

DING! With his two typically brilliant blots of ink today, Mark Raffman has crossed the 1,000-ink line, ascending from the Invitational Hall of Fame to the Cozy Upstairs Nook of the Hall of Fame. Mark, a longtime corporate lawyer turned just recently to the other side -- as a trial attorney for the Consumer Product Safety Commission -- started Inviting in 2012, earning his first blot of ink for a contest for ways to tick people off:

"When you're on jury duty, bring a daisy into the deliberation room and start to pull out each petal while saying "Guilty .*.*. not guilty .*.*."

Since then, he's been mopping up ink to the tune of almost 100 entries a year, most famously for song parodies to the tune of "Be Our Guest," on themes from "Porky's" ("See a Chest!") to Obama and Netanyahu ("He's a Pest!") to Trump and the wall ("He's Obsessed") and numerous others. Delve into this collection of his first 500 blots of ink, "Mark: His Words."

Masters of the Uni-verse: The monorhymes of Week 44
In Week 44 we asked you to write a funny poem in monorhyme form -- that all the lines had to have the same rhyme. And the poem had to refer to some published writing -- anything from an ancient Greek play to yesterday's headlines.

Third runner-up:
More Fun News From Greenland (article at CNN.com)
Every last glacier
Seems bound for erasure.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Second runner-up:
War and Peace (abridged):
For a Russian,
Life is crushin'.
End of discussion.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

First runner-up:
"Deer crashes through lingerie store in Michigan"
In Michigan there was a deer
That spooked a lingerie cashier.
Asked why a deer would thus appear,
She said, "I guess the buck shops here."
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And the winner of "The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book":
Waiting for Godot
Beckett's play's a bore, I fear,
With Estragon and Vladimir
Discussing topics drab and drear
For hours on end until it's clear
Godot himself will not appear.
So go -- you might enjoy it, dear,
While I stay watching Netflix here.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The End of the Lines: Honorable mentions
The Old Man and the Sea
He pursues an expedition,
Out to sea to do some fishin',
Gets his boat into position,
Then awaits an acquisition.
Is that fish an apparition?
No! An instant recognition
As it bolts in opposition!
After hours of competition
In this battle of attrition,
He attains the beast's submission!
Heading home now his volition,
It's a fin -- an admonition *
Cue the sharks, with repetition,
Bite by bite, a demolition.
It's a savage exhibition,
(In his trousers, micturition?)
Yet the boat makes its transition
To the shore, in sound condition,
And old man sits there wishin'
He'd had better ammunition.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Hamlet in a nutshell:
Ghost: "Go kill your mom's new guy."
Hamlet: "No way, Dad! Must I? Why?"
Ghost: "It's the ol' 'eye for an eye'!"
Hamlet: ("ARGHH! Should I live or die?")
Then Hamlet says with a sigh,
"Okay, I'll give it a try *"
Many acts and scenes go by;
Then finally, dead they all lie.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

"The secret best week for Thanksgiving flights is coming" (The Washington Post) Thanksgiving stresses? Don't despair.
Just take a trip abroad by air.
You're sure to nab a bargain fare.
You won't see tourists everywhere.
And best of all -- no icy glare:
Your MAGA uncle won't be there.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Pygmalion
In G.B. Shaw's dramatic work Pygmalion,
A linguist who's a touch sesquipedalian
Decides to take a poor tatterdemalion
Into his life--for reasons bacchanalian?
He wanted folks who play the ukulele in?
No, no, the reason he brings in this alien,
The basis for the grind she suffers daily in:
He wants to make her sound Episcopalian,
Like someone who would have PM Disraeli in.
Bad ending, though--she leaves*for parts Australian?
You'll want to bash Shaw's head with a shillelagh in.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

'Trump and allies plot revenge, Justice Department control in a second term' (The Washington Post)
Trump (whose hands are lilliputian)
Wants to shred the Constitution,
Starting with a new solution
To his so-called persecution:
"I will be your retribution."
(Chris Doyle)

Jack and Jill
To renew their H2O supply
They climbed a path, I know not why.
Hydrology must be awry,
Since wells don't work when they're up high.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Lysistrata
Greek women, led by Lysistrata:
"Guys, stop this fighting, now! You gotta!
Until you cease these wars, there's not a
Chance your bedmates will allot a
Place for you, come hell, high wata!
You're persons very much non grata!"

In time (there followed some errata)
The men complied and stopped the slaughta.
Each lass and her inamorata
Went forth and banged like a pinata. (Duncan Stevens)

The Handmaid's Tale
Women's wombs controlled post-coup
By all the guys in charge, that's who,
To sum the Gilead worldview:
It's Speaker Johnson's dream come true. (Kevin Dopart)

Pap on Tap -- "Amouranth Launches 'Vaginal Yeast' Beer" (Philadelphia Weekly) When it's time for a Pap and the doc takes a smear,
You can have those bacteria turned into beer!
A yoni yeast beverage? There's nothing to fear --
And such a profound flavor profile, I hear.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"It's Taylor Swift's world and we're just living in it" (Axios)
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor!
Seems that nothing can derail her.
Every time the charts unveil her
Album sales, all others trail her.
Though the jealous trolls assail her,
Say her sound has gotten staler,
Far more fans adore and mail her;
Music critics widely hail her.
Locks of blonde and skin that's paler,
Scores of suitors doomed to fail her;
Still, they hope to someday nail her.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Kama Sutra (ancient Hindu text)
For students of erotic bliss, consider this important factor:
Interesting and new positions might initially attract 'er.
You will reach new heights of passion. But as soon as you have sacked 'er,
Both of you will need assistance from a skillful chiropractor. (Judy Freed)

Othello
"Desdemona seems truly demure,
But she's smitten by Cassio's allure,"
Says Iago, a boor,
To Othello, who's sure
To react. In the end, there's no Moor. (Chris Doyle)

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump
For the terms of a deal, I intuit
Where the cash is, and how to accrue it.
Some resistance? I push my way through it!
(Also, fraud isn't fraud when I do it.) (Mark Raffman)

Jane Eyre
A gothic novel: Miss Jane Eyre!
This pious lass, oft found in prayer
While serving as a poor au pair,
Meets Eddie Roch, a grumpy bear,
And falls for him--but what despair
To learn that, in an attic lair,
He's stashed a wife -- a weird affair!
A fire! Wife's cooked medium rare,
While Jane, she turns her derriere
And runs away (she knows not where)
But then returns, finds disrepair.
Jane, taking Ed into her care:
"Reader, I married him!" So there.
(Duncan Stevens)

'What You Need to Know About the New HV-1 Variant' (VeryWellHealth)
We're done with EG.5. HV-1 we now will see,
And also JN.1 -- all in the family XBB.
And on the rise this season, we've got flu and RSV.
We are completely screwed. WTF! OMG! (Judy Freed)

'What Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm' (The New York Times)
Do you often find yourself stuck in first gear?
Don't ask sex experts unless you want to hear
What your partner probably believes is clear:
Dude, you're really drinking way, way too much beer. (Pam Shermeyer)

'Pizza Hut selling snake pizza in Hong Kong' (CNN)
While in Hong Kong, don't ask me why,
At Pizza Hut, I chose to try
A dish on which they did apply
Some shredded serpent meat -- no lie.
At first it seemed like chicken, dry,
But quickly things went all awry --
NOW HAD IT WITH THESE SNAKES HAVE I
UPON THIS MOTHERF***ING PIE! (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Masters of the Uni-Verse" is by Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 18: Our Week 45 contest for funny ideas for items in mail order catalogs such as Hammacher Schlemmer's. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jeff Contompasis; David Kleinbard; Hildy Zampella)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1563, Published 11/09/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 45: The Perfect(ly ridiculous) Gift
Offer up some products for people-who-have-everything catalogs. Plus winning 'life lessons' to be learned from the movies, from Costco, and more.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 9, 2023

We can safely say that no one resembling this man will be buying this "whole body pedaler" from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. (From hammacherschlemmer.com)

The Shop Treatment: This week's Invitational
This week's contest asks you to come up with items to be sold in mail order catalogs such as Hammacher Schlemmer's, which we are leafing through right now. Do you get mail order catalogs? If you don't, it doesn't matter, because we are going to help you out right here. But just in case, many of them are easily found online. The thing is, very often the very best item these catalogs offer is the catalog itself.

This one, and many others, seem to be directed at a market that includes grannies and grampies with more disposable income than they know what to do with, middle-aged people with more disposable income than they know what to do with, but not young people, who are simply too hip for all of this stuff. The contents are corny, mostly useless, hilariously overpriced ($89.95 for a manual kitchen grater), and largely absurd. The for-oldsters comfort items are frequently modeled by people who'd never touch these items were they not being paid to do so, such as the one at the top of today's Gene Pool, featuring a buff, handsome twentysomething giddily employing a watered-down baby-type stationary bike you can use while sitting in a stuffed armchair.

Here is a list of other things taken specifically from the current Hammacher Schlemmer print catalog:
-- A waffle iron that makes waffles in the shape of a toy train set ($79.95).

-- Q 19-foot inflatable lawn Grinch ($399.95).
-- A plush piggy bank that, with each deposit, wiggles and sings about the joy of saving money ($39.95).
-- A hand-painted rocking horse that neighs and whinnies and makes clip-clop noises ($259.95).
-- A handmade Irish shillelagh ($89.95).
-- A wireless computer keyboard that looks like a manual typewriter from 1935 and clacks and dings just like Grampy's but also for some anachronistic reason has LED lights on the keys ($149.95).
-- An Advent calendar that dispenses a little toy each day -- for your dog ($169.95).
-- And, on the cover of the print catalog, a record turntable that operates vertically; it looks like a guitar, and you hang it on the wall, and somehow it presses the tone arm against the record, sans gravity, with -- as confirmed by online reviews -- a fidelity level of two cans and a string. ($349.99).

For Invitational Week 45: Invent an item, with a catalog description, that would be a humorous addition to the Hammacher Schlemmer or a similar catalog (e.g., Harry and David, The Sharper Image, J. Peterman, Neiman Marcus). Your entry may be any length at all, but shorter writing is often more entertaining.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-45. For formatting, all we ask is our standard request that you type each individual entry as one line -- in other words, don't push Enter anywhere in the middle of that entry. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 18, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 23. Yes, that is Thanksgiving. We will be there for you.

The winner gets, speaking of shopping, a vintage but brand-new Whole Fools Grossery Bag, designed by the renowned funny artist Bob Staake for The Style Invitational, this contest's previous incarnation; Pat used to give these to runners-up. This canvas tote, made of genuine plant matter, is also available for purchase in the Invitational Wish Book* for $799.95 plus shipping.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Learning the Har Way: The 'life lessons' of Week 43
In Week 43 we asked you to give us some observational humor in the form of "life lessons" to be gleaned from various situations -- the movies, the gym, Costco, or any other milieu.

Third runner-up: In the kitchen: Whoever says "easy as pie" never made anything involving flour, buttery fingers, and a rolling pin. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: In Las Vegas: You can meet a lot of women in bars who honestly don't care how you look. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: At the gynecologist: When your feet are in stirrups, your private parts fully exposed, and you think your ass is about to slide off the edge of the table, it will still be possible to "scoot down just a bit more." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the cat-leg socks: From being an insomniac with ADHD: The dorid nudibranch has a plume of gills around its anus. Turtles can also absorb oxygen from their butts. In fact, butt-breathing is fairly common in amphibians and reptiles. It's true, the technical term for butt breathing is cloacal respiration. Birds have a cloaca. Speaking of birds, did you know owls can't move their eyes? That's why their heads turn so far. An owl can rotate its head through 400 degrees in full rotation. Tarsiers can rotate their heads 360 degrees, which is impressive for a mammal... (April Musser, Georgia)

None the Wiser: Honorable mentions
From online dating profiles: No man is 5-11. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

At the movies: Anytime a bullet is removed from a victim, it must be dropped into a metal container of some kind, producing a resonant clink. (Cindy Clendenning, Colorado City, Colo., a First Offender)

From listening to WTOP's traffic reports: There exists a way for someone named Dave Dildine to survive middle school. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

From online dating: Nobody is searching for a partner who shares a disdain of moonlight walks on the beach. (Judy Freed)

From observing Kevin McCarthy: It is possible to sell your soul to the devil and still not get anything worth having. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

At an Eagles vs. Commanders game in D.C.: What it's like at a Commanders vs. Eagles game in Philly. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

At shopping malls: You don't have to be in peak physical condition to get hired as a security guard. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At the movies: Never use an alley as a shortcut, unless you're prepared to climb a chain link fence. (Steve Smith)

At a restaurant: The time it takes to order, receive, and finish eating your food is usually equal to the time it takes the server to bring the check. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

At the therapist's office: Your most urgent, emotionally laden issues will surface 47 minutes into the session. (Judy Freed)

Reading "Beetle Bailey": Trees grow horizontally from the sides of cliffs, and are quite sturdy, so it's easy to grab on and be supported if you fall over the edge, even if you are a fat sergeant. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Feminine hygiene product ads: The first thing I should be thinking of when I feel a cool autumn breeze is the smell of a woman's genitalia. (Mark Raffman)

Fox News: Biden is increasingly old and feeble. MSNBC: Trump is increasingly old and feeble. The U.S. Census: Everybody is increasingly old and feeble. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

From Costco: It is possible for one person to consume an entire one-foot-diameter pumpkin pie between the Sunday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving. (Jeff Contompasis)

From lying in a gutter with a bottle of Ripple: Wine is coldest at 3:47 a.m. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

From the 2020 presidential election: The "some of the people" you can fool all of the time turns out to be about 47 percent of the population. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

From The Washington Post: Jeff Bezos owns The Washington Post. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

From Trump trials: When faced with jail time, Trump's former colleagues pee out the Kool-Aid very quickly. (Leif Picoult)

The book "Hillbilly Elegy": "Flyover country" is populated by real-life flesh and blood human beings with hopes and dreams that are just as deplorable as I thought. (Mark Raffman)

While doing your taxes: Even though he calls only when he needs money, it still feels all warm and fuzzy inside to call your college kid a "dependent." (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The headline "Learning the Har Way" was submitted independently by Beverley Sharp, Jesse Frankovich, and Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 11: Our Week 44 contest for monorhymes -- poems in which all the lines rhyme on the same sound. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1562, Published 11/02/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 44: Rhyme and Rhyme Again
Write a funny 'monorhyme,' a poem whose lines all rhyme on the same sound. Plus winning 'Am I the Asshole' questions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
NOV 2, 2023

Okay, this week's contest:

Woohoo!/ It's New/ For You/ To Do!
CLEAR GOGGLES
" 'Beer goggles' study finds alcohol does not make people seem better looking" --The Guardian
From lunk
To hunk
When drunk?
It's bunk!
-- Marshall Begel

The Invitational has run literally hundreds of poetry contests over the past 1,561 weeks of its dauntless existence. But never had it presented the simple (though not necessarily easy) one we offer today.

For Invitational Week 44: Write us a funny monorhyme, a poem of any length whose lines all rhyme on the same sound, as in the pithy example above that appeared last month as one of the news-based "Poems of the Week" in the journal Light. (By "rhyme" we mean "perfect rhyme," -- i.e., "little" doesn't rhyme with "skittles" or "kettle.") Also, like the example above: The poem must relate to some published writing -- a news article, a book, a play, an ad, even another poem. Include the headline or title of that writing, as above, along with a link if you're quoting an online article or ad; you may use that (or a paraphrase) as the title of your monorhyme, or you can supply a separate title, as Marshall Begel does above.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-44. No special formatting this week; just send them as they ought to appear. (But do look one more time at the directions above.) As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 11, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 16.

The winner gets, somewhat apropos of this week's contest, "The Dr. Seuss Coloring Book," a quality-paper volume brimming with black-and-white Yertles and Two Fish and Hortons and Truffula Trees and many more (including the occasional 1930s Asian stereotype). Donated by Pie Snelson.


We won't tell if you make the Red Fish a Blue Fish. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Butts of the Joke: The 'AITA' questions of Week 42
In Week 42 we asked you to write us a question inspired by the "Am I the Asshole?" forum on Reddit. By our accounting, in thirty of the answers, the writer is the asshole. In three, the other person is the asshole. And in two, both are assholes. See if you agree.

Third runner-up: On a date with my new girlfriend, I started necking with her in the car, rather vigorously, I must say. Later, my mother scolded me, "I saw what you two were doing and it was embarrassing and totally inappropriate." I lost it, screaming, "Then next time, I won't ask you to chaperone!" AITA? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Second runner-up: Early in our relationship, my girlfriend (25f) and I (27m) gave each other a "hall pass" to sleep with the celebrity of our choice. I learned that my chosen celebrity's name is quite common in our area. I contacted about a dozen of them online and had one-night stands with a few. When my girlfriend found out she left me. AITA? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: I (1f) chewed on a shoe so I got put outside and I dug up the yard so I got put in the garage and I tore apart my bed so I got put back inside and I destroyed a fall decoration so I got put back outside and I damaged a lawn chair (just a little) so I got put back in the garage and I ate a rubber mat so I got put back inside and I threw up the rubber mat in the hallway and I got called a bad dog. AITA? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the 1950s child-rearing pamphlet Making the Grade as Dad:
My husband (37m) just discovered I've been paying a pool boy (22m) for services all summer, and wants to fire him because we don't have a pool. AITA? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Bringing Up the Rear: Honorable mentions
I guess I have a talent for rearranging the letters of people's names into funny anagrams, and like to share them with the subjects. But at the 20th-anniversary tribute dinner for my boss, I joked that "Dick F. Putterheus" anagrams to "The Stupid Fucker" and there was this awkward silence. AITA? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My friends fill my Facebook feed with their annoying Wordle grids every day. I've begged them to stop, but they persist in flaunting their little lines of colored squares. So now, every day I post charts of my bowel movements. AITA? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

AITA if I ran out of apples for trick-or-treaters and made a few caramel-covered onions? (Jesse Frankovich)

I often hold a football for my friend Charles to practice field goal kicking, and, well, for reasons of my own, I move it away at the last second every single time, causing Charles to fall on his butt. But listen to this: He still has me hold the ball, and he still tries to kick it -- every time. And though it has been 37 years since the last straight-on kicker, Charles still tries it that way, instead of soccer-style. I ask you: Who's the A? -- L. Van Pelt (Judy Freed)

If it be true I murdered mine own nephew's father and then married his mother so I couldst be king and then paid two of his friends to poisoneth him and then his mother kicketh the bucket instead, doth I be the arsehole? (Jesse Frankovich)

In my fantasy league I need a QB for the upcoming bye week, so I offered my buddy a trade: Bijan Robinson (RB/ATL) for Kirk Cousins (QB/MIN). He said fine but only if he could date my sister and I said which one, Cara or Marie. He said Cara, and I said in that case he needs to throw in Sam LaPorta (TE/DET) because Cara is way hotter than Marie. He offered Justin Tucker (K/BAL) but only if I can guarantee he gets to second base with Cara. I responded that in that case, I am definitely holding out for LaPorta, which he says is unreasonable. AITA? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

So I (77M) was standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and this total woke nutjob was all like "hey, you suck" so I shot him and after that my approval ratings went through the roof. AITA? (Jesse Frankovich)

When I see cars with those "Student Driver" signs, I always make sure to pass them on the right, or cut them off on a quick lane change, so they get real-world driving experience in a relatively safe way while learning. But instead, I always get a dirty look from the instructor. AITA? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

My carjacker swore at me as he drove away for not getting out of the car fast enough. AITA? (Sam Mertens)

I loved my role in "Our American Cousin" and was looking forward to getting a big laugh after my "sockdologizing" line, just like at every performance at Ford's. Then right at my shining moment, somebody shot the President, and in all the fuss I never even got a snicker. When I complained about this afterward, people didn't seem sympathetic in the least. AITA? -- Harry Hawk (Judy Freed)

I was supposed to find cheap spices, but ended up establishing a supply chain for tomatoes, potatoes, pumpkins, corn, and yep, gold. But now they're calling me a monster! How was I to know syphilis, smallpox, and colonialism would be such a problem for the locals? Who's the asshole here? -- C.C., Genoa (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

If Johnny started it but Johnny told Mom that I started it and then I told Mom that Johnny started it and that Johnny eats boogers, AITA? (Jesse Frankovich)

I'm in charge of our company's voicemail, and I have seen to it that it still orders customers to listen carefully because our menu options have changed, even though the last change was in 1997. This angers some longtime customers who think it wastes their time and is a bald-faced lie, but as far as I am concerned, if just one confused senior citizen each year pays extra attention so that they don't inadvertently choose an option not tailored to their needs *" (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

My lady friend got mad at me for wearing shorts to her mom's funeral. I explained to her that my Dolce & Gabbana shorts cost me $325 -- more than most of the attendees' entire outfits! I told her it would have been far more disrespectful if I had worn pants from, like, Old Navy. I mean, am I the asshole here? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

We think traffic laws, bank deposit insurance, and Supreme Court ethics laws are all unconstitutional because they didn't exist in 1789. AWTA? -- J.R., C.T., S.A., B.K., A. C-B., N.G. (Names withheld by request) (Marc from the Military, Travis Air Force Base, Calif.)

For no reason whatsoever, Donald Trump called me an asshole, etc. Am I the asshole? (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va.)

I grew up playing sports with my wife's younger brother, Liam. He was a little guy but fit and athletic. We saw each other naked in locker rooms innumerable times.
Now in his twenties, Liam transitioned and last year completed the surgeries and changed their name to Linda. Linda visited us recently and looks great -- much hotter than their sister, my wife, I might add. While Linda was showering, I opened the door for a peek. After all, I'd seen Liam naked lots of times, so what the hell?
Linda screamed, then my wife ran in and screamed at me, too. Both packed and left, calling me an A-hole. C'mon, seriously, AITA? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I answered her, "Yes, you do, but you'd look fat in anything." She got steamed. Does honesty make me the asshole? (Jesse Frankovich)

I live in California but have figured out how to get the Eastern feed of "Jeopardy!" three hours earlier. Then when our family watches the local broadcast that evening, I do well, but never overdo it or rub it in -- like, I don't bet a lot on Daily Doubles. I think it encourages my wife and kids to up their game. AITA? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I do not like my neighbor, Sam.
His perfect life is just a sham.
So if I shagged his girlfriend Pam,
Would you say I the asshole am? (Jesse Frankovich)

My neighbor is nice and, to be honest, quite hot, but she has one habit that annoys me: When she showers, she often fails to wash her back. I can't help but notice through my binoculars that she'll soap every other part of her body, but she usually neglects to use a long-handle loofah or something to get those hard-to-reach places. I mentioned it to her in passing one day when I was walking the dog, and she got all mad and ran inside. AITA? (Leif Picoult)

After a week of constipation, I finally had a gigantic BM that stretched across the toilet bowl. I left it unflushed so my wife would see the good news. Instead, she wasn't even happy for me. AITA? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

I use my gas-powered leaf blower every morning before leaving for work so my family can wake up to a pristine lawn. While I'm at it, I also clear my neighbors' lawns so they can wake up to pristine grass, too. However, some of my neighbors have asked me not to! I'm, like, who would complain about a free lawn service -- don't they know how much those landscaping companies charge for that? Am I the asshole? (Leif Picoult)

Based on a true story: For Mother's Day I bought my wife a new laundry basket, since the old one had cracked under the strain of heavy loads she was carrying up and down the stairs. The new one even has a curved side so it doesn't cut into her hip. My wife smiled when I gave it to her, but my daughters were furious. I was only thinking of her and her comfort. AITA? (Jeff Contompasis)

I know anything goes these days, but I was raised with traditional values. When I got married, I could tell on our wedding night that my bride wasn't a virgin. I mentioned this to my in-laws, thinking they might apologize for raising a wayward daughter and maybe make a small cash gift to compensate, but they haven't spoken to me since. Am I, you know, the bad person? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

My sibling is a total suck-up to our parents. They lavish praise on him, constantly telling him he's a good boy. One day I got so fed up that I knocked over a vase on the table near where he was sitting so he'd be blamed. Am I the asshole? -- Mittens (P.S. I don't actually care what you think.) (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

If I used ChatGPT to write this entry because this contest is really hard, and this entry gets ink, AITA or IAITA? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

I'm a cable installer. My office gives you a window of time to expect me, but I won't show up anyway -- unless you take a minute to pee, and then I'll leave a note on your door and run. AITA? (Jon Gearhart)

I sell insurance. Am I the Asshole? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

And Last: My favorite humor/wordplay contest is the best thing on Substack! So I gave everyone I knew my Substack paid-subscription password. But the editors didn't appreciate my spreading the word. AITA? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And Even Laster: I'm humbly sitting out this week's contest, painfully aware that anything I'd produce would just seem lame next to the witty humor and sparkling anecdotes of other Losers, all of whom can draw upon boundless life experiences as genuine assholes to -- what? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The headline "Butts of the Joke" was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and William Kennard; and both William and Beverley Sharp sent in wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 4: Our Week 43 contest for "Life Lessons" to be learned from various places and situations. Click here for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart; William Kennard)
Subhead: (William Kennard; Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Pie Snelson)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1561, Published 10/26/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 43: Let It Be a Lesson to Us
Tell us some things to be learned from Costco, the bathroom, TV shows, etc. Plus winning word-grid neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 26, 2023

From a birthday card (the message is "Go wild. It's your birthday.") available at sofunkyfresh.com.

This week's contest is one we've done thrice, but not in a long time. Then, we limited you to a few situations; now you have free rein. For Week 43: Tell us a life lesson that can be learned from any particular milieu -- say, "on the pot," or "from the comics pages," or "from surfing the Internet," or "at Costco" or "at the movies" or "lying in the gutter with a bottle of Ripple." The examples below were past winners.

From romance novels: No one is named Maxine Fischman or Fred Paczynski. (Mel Loftus)

At the movies: At all speeches, the microphone will squeak once before
allowing the speaker to continue with no further problem. (Alan Hochbaum, Timothy Gotwald)

From TV: All family crises, whether large or small, take exactly 22 minutes to solve. (Ed Gordon)

At the dentist: Nitrous oxide can somehow cause your underpants to turn inside out. (Russell Beland)

This week you may choose any of the above categories -- see the results of those contests here, here, and here -- or others such as "at the gym," "at preschool," "while doing your taxes," "from scrolling on X for two hours." Or any other category you devise.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-43. Be sure to read the formatting directions! As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 4, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 9.

The winner gets a pair of very nice socks that look like cat paws, or what cat paws would look like if they had heels and big long soles. Donated by the footsome Dave Prevar.


Fog not included: This week's prize. (shopsockysock.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / observations / reactions that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Roo-roo roominations will be particularly valued. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

tasteful orange button

Sharing Your Pathword: The neologisms of Week 41
In Week 41 we asked you to choose any letter on the randomly generated grid below, then "discover" a new word or phrase by snaking around the grid through adjacent letters in any or all directions. That so many of you noticed that M-11 or K-12 can begin "asshole" * well, let's say we have lots of hope for our still-running "Am I the Asshole" contest. (Note: Pat and Gene judge the Invitational without knowing who wrote the entries, and so sometime the same person nabs two spots in the top four. This time two people did.)


The grid used in today's results. (Circled letters show the example, OUCHPAL.)
Third runner-up: Beginning at V-7, heading down diagonally and then straight up: BOOZO: Former children's entertainer, now in rehab. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up: K-5: I AM A STUD, YOU OLD LOON!: Debate response to be used by both candidates in 2024. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: J-13: URASSHOLE: Proposed name for the seventh planet before they decided it should be more polite, but still able to provoke snickers. (Jesse Frankovich)

And the winner of the headband that looks as if a knife's going through your head:
Q-10: DITZY, BITCHY, 'N' RUDY: The next three candidates who were in line for the House speakership. (Frank Osen)

Turns for the Worse: Honorable mentions
F-12: ARSE ROLL: One of your less popular sushi choices. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

B-5: HEAPA: A unit of measure equal to 40 trillion tons. "Donald Trump's reelection would mire our country in a heapa shit." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

B-7: TITCH: An involuntary spasm that a guy experiences when he sees a well-endowed woman. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

C-2: AIRYAK: The spiel at the beginning of your flight that the attendants pantomime with arm gestures and you totally tune out, even when the sound system is audible. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

C-10: VP SEX: Official event celebrated annually in the Pence household. "Mike found himself stirring on the night before Christmas." (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

C-12: EXLOPE: Run away to get a quickie divorce. "After my parents spent so much on the wedding, we felt it was only right to exlope." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

C-15: PORNYLAND: Theme park with the happiest endings on Earth. (Jesse Frankovich)

C-17: RELIB: To reminisce about the good ol' days of youth radicalism. "There goes Aunt Cleo again, relibbing the SDS sit-in at the Berkeley chancellor's office*" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

D-6: DENAY: To deny a previous denial. "I didn't say I wouldn't run again for Speaker," the congressman denayed. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

F-3: FAPPETA: The stiff, discolored fabric that teenage boys' bedspreads seem to turn into. (Frank Osen)

F-15: MR. JOLLY GALLOP: YouTuber nickname for Sen. Josh Hawley escaping the Capitol on Jan. 6. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

G-10: SKANX: Open-crotch shapewear. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

G-19: NITWIZ: An ace proofreader. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.)

H-3: DJT APP: A mobile tool that automatically adds gaslighting, dog-whistling, disinformation, and all-caps to your tweets. (Jesse Frankovich)

D-8: BIDEN APP: Program that works better than any alternative, but damn, it's on such an old platform. (Mark Raffman)

H-4: PAYN: An ache in your fingers as you write a check to the IRS. (Judy Freed)

H-10: CANDY TRAMP: What the grumpy old man next door calls a trick-or-treater. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

H-16: BLIZZLE: A much-hyped snowstorm that turns out to be a few flakes on the grass. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

I-5: PEWNY: What church attendance has been since the pandemic. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

J-4: SOLOLAY: A politer version of "screw yourself." "The deacon smoothly suggested that the rude taxi driver would benefit greatly from a sololay." (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

J-11: GRASSHOLE: That neighbor who insists on mowing the lawn at 6 a.m. (Duncan Stevens)

N-10: BASSHOLE: Your co-worker who regales you every Monday morning with his fishing stories. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

J-12: RATMICEELKPIGLLAMA: The genetically engineered feature attraction -- well, the only attraction -- at the One Room Zoo. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

K-22: MM*PATE!: Homer Simpson gets hoity-toity. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

L-7: UNSMIT: Reversed an infatuation. "One look at his bathroom floor and she was immediately unsmit." (Pam Shermeyer)

L-8: BUTTASM: Occasional result of prostate massage. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

L-17: LOLLYGAP: Taking a schoolyear off to do nothing. "Scott said he'd master tutoring in the barrio, but instead he's lollygapping through mastering Super Mario." (Frank Osen)

M-12: I, ASSHOLE: In his memoirs, Trump finally comes clean. (Fiction) (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

M-19: McNERD: A Facebook friend who posts tips like this: "Because the discount for buying two McDoubles is a non-coupon offer, you can add a large fries for $1.19. That's still only $5.78, which is $2.18 less than a Big Mac with two extra patties and one extra slice of cheese. Bargain!" (Chris Doyle)

L-12: McSHIT: What not to order at the Golden Arches. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

M-3: KAMOLALULA: In a bid for ratings, Tucker Carlson unveils a new mispronunciation of the VP's name. (Frank Osen)

M-3: KOI MIX: What Pepperidge Farm calls its Goldfish in Japan. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

N-10: BS-SAT: A special standardized test used by college football recruiters. Question 27: What kind of fruit is in apple pie? (Leif Picoult)

N-12: SASSHOLE: (1) A mouthy teenager. (2) A teenager's mouth. (Jesse Frankovich)

O-7: QUINOA OOZE: Product name before the manufacturers decided to call it "vegan ice cream." (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

L-12: MASHTIT: What the clinic techs call the mammography machine. (Lee Graham)

O-15: SALARD: "At the We Please Everybody Cafe, we offer a salard special: a fresh romaine/spinach blend, smothered in pork fat gravy." (Judy Freed)

P-4: YALLISM: A classic Southern expression such as "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit." (Rob Cohen)

P-9: VINALDOO: What you get when you misread the recipe in your Indian cookbook. (Duncan Stevens)

P-13: KELCE PASS: Something Taylor Swift didn't need a football to make. (Jesse Frankovich)

P-15: ALPS FLESH: Epic goosebumps. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Q-17: MAGARITA: A Kool-Aid alternative that Republicans have wasted away on. (Kevin Dopart)

R-7: LOOLOO: A stunningly beautiful restroom. (Jeff Contompasis)

R-7: LOONOODLE: To cogitate on the toilet. (Steve Leifer)

T-21: MEATRE D': The headwaiter at a barbecue joint. "Yup, y'all can sit at that picnic table over yonder." (Jesse Frankovich)

The "Pathwords" headline is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 28: Our Week 42 contest for humorous "Am I the Asshole" situations a la the popular Reddit thread. Click here for details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Mel Loftus; Russell Beland; Ed Gordon; Alan Hochbaum; Timothy Gotwald )
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1560, Published 10/19/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 42: The 'Hole Story
Write us a funny 'Am I The Asshole' question. Plus winning parodies on the news.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 19, 2023

For some reason, we thought this popular Reddit thread would be perfect for a contest in The Gene Pool. See this week's Invitational below.

This Week's Invitational: Are You the Asshole?
This week's contest, suggested a while ago by both Alex Blackwood and Jeff Contompasis, was inspired by a long-standing and deeply vulgar discussion thread on Reddit: Someone writes in to recount a conflict they're having with someone else, describes their own behavior in said dispute, and asks their fellow Redditors: "Am I the asshole?" Then others in the "AITA" community weigh in with their judgments.

Often, it is hilariously clear that the aggrieved writer is an asshole, a conclusion almost always confirmed by the community. An example we just made up: "I love mackerel in bouillabaisse sauce, and frequently make it for lunch at work, in the microwave or even the coffeemaker, which works splendidly for that. My co-workers complain it stinks up the office and all coffee subsequently tastes like fish. Am I the asshole?" Obvious verdict: You are.

Sometimes, it is clear that the writer has a good point, as in this real example from Reddit (slightly edited for space):

My boyfriend likes to be called "daddy" in bed. I've obliged but it's starting to creep me out and I've decided I don't want to do it anymore. He is not happy with this, and insists it has nothing to do with the connotation of the word, he just enjoys hearing me say it.

Since he wasn't budging on the issue, I told him I'd like him to call me "grandma" in bed as a compromise. He didn't like this option, said it was giving him visuals he would prefer not to have -- like ok, join the fucking club.

Anyway, the last time he tried to initiate intimacy with me, I started to say, "Do you like when grandma does that?" etc, and he FLEW off the handle. Said I ruined the mood, made him feel gross and I was being ridiculous.

I think I proved my point but he thinks I'm being an asshole. So AITA?

The full comment thread has been taken down, but the consensus seems to be: Madam, you are NTA, not the asshole. HE is the asshole.

Anyway: For Invitational Week 42: Create a humorous situation proposing a question for "Am I the Asshole?" It can be "from" a nameless person or a particular real or fictional one. It can be filthy, though we do not officially recommend that. The length can run up to 150 words or so, like the "Grandma" example, or it can be just a sentence or two.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-42. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 28, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 2.

Since we are in advice mode here, the winner gets the 1950 pamphlet Making the Grade as Dad, which was already in its seventh edition when this copy was printed in 1954. Written by child-rearing expert Edith Neisser -- whose credit appears after that of her husband, Walter, "an advertising man" -- the advice is generally still wise and probably progressive for its era ("It is a good thing for a boy to see his father helping to dry the dishes") though clearly the product of its times: "Everywhere in the world, boys learn that when they grow up they will have to look after women and children if they are to be considered responsible members of the community. Even when mothers go out to work, fathers are expected to be strong and protective."


Perhaps the designer of the Amazon logo was inspired by Dad's mouth.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Rock and LOL: The songs from Week 40
In Week 40 we put the call out for song lyrics and performances about matters in the news -- which happened to be, as you'll see, right when House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was getting his gavel grabbed away. As always, the Loserbards sent us far too many inkworthy parodies and videos to share here; over the next few days Pat will post another dozen or so in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; search on #parodies.

Click on the titles of the original songs below to hear the tune so you can sing along -- though our winner this week will sing it to you right here.


Third runner-up: Donald's Favorite Things:
Buckets of crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken,
Huge MAGA rallies and candidate-pickin',
Dictators, tyrants, oppressors, and kings:
These are a few of my favorite things.

Strip steak that's well-done and slathered with ketchup,
Crazy-ass rants that my speechwriters fetch up,
Women who dream being one of my flings:
These are some more of my favorite things.

Fans wearing red hats who shout, "F.U., Biden,"
Breitbart and Tucker and Elon providin'
Claims that the deep state is clipping my wings,
All the while hiding how Putin pulls strings.

When I'm dogged by DOJ stings,
And it makes me mad,
I think about top-secret classified things
That I can reveal to Vlad.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: [To "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift]
Nice to meet you, where you been?
You can sure do incredible things--
Making catches for the win--
Saw you there and I thought,
"Oh my God, look at that man!
Guess I'm now a K.C. fan.
Love's a game, wanna play?"

New outfit, white and red,
They will talk about us on TV.
Ain't it funny, all that's said?
And I know you think about me,
So, hey, let's hang out
And you can run a deep go route.
On the Internet we'll trend;
I can holler when you score on the weekend.

'Cause we're hot and we're famous,
They'll gossip way too much.
Football's what your game is;
You're awesome in the clutch.
Got a long list of ex-lovers;
We'll say that we're just friends,
But I've got a blank space, Travis --
And I like tight ends.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)


First runner-up: Re-Indicted [to "Reunited"]
Those guys were fools to haul me into court --
Each time they do it doubles my support.
Whenever they booked me, then the better things looked.
The base gets more excited 'cause I've got them hooked, hey hey.

Manhattan, Georgia, big one in D.C.,
Each prosecution is a boon for me.
'Cause when I'm arraigned, see all the fans that I've gained!
More charges, more they love me--see, I've got 'em well trained.

Re-indicted and it feels so good!
Charge me more? You know I wish they would.
My poll numbers climb when I get charged with a crime.
The MAGA crowd's united 'cause I'm re-indicted, hey hey.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


And the winner of the solar-powered hula dancer:

The song's about Sen. Robert Menendez. Lyrics by Jonathan Jensen; performed by Tom Chalkley [center], Bob Friedman [right, on guitar], and Jonathan [on MicroBass]. The three Baltimoreans perform occasionally as the Patapsco Delta Boys; Jonathan's day job is playing string bass with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

YouTube URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEKCm3QR0oI
I want to live on what you give.
There's nothing finer than a bar of gold.
All these transgressions you must forgive,
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
And I'm bought and sold
Keeps me working for a bar of gold.
And I'm bought and sold.

I go to Washington, I chair committees.
I'll do your bidding for a bar of gold.
I'll loosen purse strings, and I'll do worse things.
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
Though I'm getting old
Keep on working for a bar of gold
Yes, I'm bought and sold.
I can be purchased for a bar of gold.
A new Mercedes and a bar of gold.
Half million dollars and a bar of gold.
There's nothing finer than a bar of gold.
(Jonathan Jensen; Tom Chalkley)


Rhythm & Lose: Honorable mentions
Employees React to a Rebrand [To "Be Our Guest"]
We're now X! We're now X!
Says the guy who writes the checks,
Understanding the rebranding
Raises riddles that perplex.
Why did Musk buy us out?
Why'd he change what we're about?
When he did away with Twitter,
He consigned us to the shitter.
Is the stock through the floor?
Is the future insecure?
Is the ax about to come down on our necks?
We were a well-run shop, now we're a dismal flop,
Pay last respects! Clear the decks! We're now X.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Two Ballads of Matt Gaetz
I. [To "My Blue Heaven"]
A vote that I called, to tell him goodbye,
That motion's how I screwed Kevin.
Eight votes from the right, now he's out of sight,
Good night, because I screwed Kevin.
Gone is that weasel face that we'll replace, up in the chair,
And if there's disarray, that's quite okay, 'cause I don't care!
Now all thanks to me, we're leadership-free,
So happy 'cause I screwed Kevin. (Mark Raffman)

II. [To "Stairway to Heaven"]
There's a dude who is sure his intentions are pure,
But he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin.
He the Speaker betrayed with a motion he made,
And he's basking in all the attention.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, yes, he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin.

He's a Florida man who's a huge Donald fan
And a star among self-righteous whiners.
We're all keenly aware that he's proud of his hair,
And to boot, he gets busy with minors.
Ooh, makes me shudder * And he's clearly a scumbag to Kevin. (Jesse Frankovich)

Biden: His Time [To "When I'm Sixty-Four"]
Some say I'm aging, losing my grip
C'mon, man, not so!
Aren't you all anticipating four more years?
Speak up, folks, I can't hear the cheers!
Asking the old folk, begging the young,
You whippersnappers, you:
Will you respect me, will you elect me,
When I'm eighty-two?
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)


Your House [to "Our House"], written and sung by Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach,
Fla., accompanied by Judy Freed and (Judy Freed).
[URL of Judy singing in three-part harmony: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPrrJL7aPLE
]
You lit the fire. We sit here watching as you burn the whole thing down.
Such an orange fire- Your mess is now ours, as you
pander to the clown who pulls the strings, which we all see.
God help the GOP.

Time's running out. So use your head for just five minutes.
How hard can that be?
Gotta make a choice. The country needs a Speaker and we
know you'll just keep teeter-tottering the whole day through.
What will we do with you?

Your House is a very scary, asnine House.
With Boebert, Jordan, Gaetz -- catastrophe awaits.
Now everything's gone bonkers 'cause of you
and your blah blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...


The Ballad of Sam Bankman-Fried [To "Be Our Guest"]
Bankman-Fried! Bankman-Fried!
Tale of hubris, lies, and greed:
Funds invested feather-nested; at the trough his pals would feed.
Stole the loot, took the gains,
Used the dough to fund campaigns,
And his customers in crypto? Off those folks he surely ripped -- oh,
FTX took their checks,
Laundered funds [it was complex];
Off to jail Sam went with all deliberate speed;
He seemed a rumpled oddster; now this scheming fraudster
Has been treed--yes, indeed, Bankman-Fried! (Duncan Stevens)

Evicted [To "Busted" as sung by Johnny Cash]
It started in '20, when orange-face Trump got evicted;
To old Mar-a-Lago, that roach-ridden dump, he was evicted.
He took what he said was all personal stuff;
Jack Smith and the feds have been callin' his bluff --
But one scuzzy 'Pugnican isn't enough
To be evicted.

Now Kevin McCarthy, the man with no shame, is evicted;
His aide called Pelosi and told the old dame: "You're evicted!"
Pelosi's a lady; she told him off nice,
With steel in her spine and a voice full of ice --
But I'm sure she was hopin' the whole gang of lice
Would get evicted.

Now listen up, people, and hear what I say about "evicted":
It isn't enough just to hope and pray they'll be evicted!
You Dems who love justice and right in your souls,
A year from November, get down to the polls--
And don't you dare quit till the whole pack of trolls
Is evicted!
(Sharon Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel)

Kevin's Lament [To "You Shook Me All Night Long"]
He was a click machine, made for the TV screen,
Gaetz was the biggest camera whore that I ever seen.
With Eddie Munster hair and a caveman's glare,
Voting me right out of my House Speaker chair.
Taking more than his share, I said I didn't care,
But the schmuck followed through, thought he wouldn't dare.
Congress halls start quaking, my hand is shaking,
My gavel they're taking, and the far right is breaking it
And you shook me alt-right wrong *
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Ballad of Sen. J.D. Vance [to the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song]
Come listen to the story of a man named Vance,
A hardscrabble son who would never have a chance,
Except for some folks who would help him on his way*
The same folks now that he loves to betray.
[Coastal elites! Pointy-heads!]

A scholarship to Yale, a degree in law,
A best-selling book 'bout his crusty old Mamaw,
And then California, where a patron said, "J.D.,
Come feed at the trough of our private equity."
[Start-up techs! Massive checks!]

Well now he's in the Senate where he plays pretend,
A "man of the people," but it's Trump that he'll defend,
So forget about his money or his fancy law degree,
He's hiding them to practice demagogy.
[Candidate -- '28?] (Mark Raffman)

It's High Noon for Kevin McCarthy
Do not forsake me, Grand Old Party, on this our votin' day
I don't think Donald Trump will save me -- Loyal? That's one-way!
I think I know what fate awaits me
Countin' the votes says it's a wrap
The Chaos Caucus gang will Gaetz me
I'm bein' booted, my gavel muted, guess I'm ill-suited for this crap.

Shoulda been honorin' my sworn duty
'Stead I helped trample the Constitooty
Trump with his tie so red and long -- what a buffoon!
He thinks the Presidency's hisn, 'cause it can keep him out of prison
I'm not a fan of his but oh -- what made me think he should lead me?

Now that you've dumped me, Grand Old Party
Some say I'll quit this carny ride
No, I won't be a K Street smarty
And my new hobby won't be to lobby, and if it is? Then hey, I lied!
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Two songs sung by Clarence Thomas
I. [To "Wouldn't It Be Loverly"]
All I want is a billionaire
Flying me on a jet somewhere
Paying for my air fare
Oh, isn't it so loverly?

Now I sail on the finest yachts,
I don't sleep in my RV cots
In Walmart parking lots.
Oh, isn't it so loverly?

Oh, so loverly living in the lap of luxury
Paid by lawyers who have lots of cases in front of me!

It will never affect my vote
When a litigant buys my boat
Or pays my mortgage note,
Oh, isn't it so loverly?
(Barbara Sarshik; Andy Pike, Vienna, Va.)

II. [To "Let It Be"]
When I find myself with time to travel,
Wealthy friends will cover me,
Whispering with their checkbooks,
"Big RV."

And if I want a yacht vacation,
Sailing on some tropic sea,
There will be an answer,
"It's on me."

Get it free, get it free, gave a spree, Justice T.!
Ethics can be damned, sir,
Get it free! (Mark Raffman)

From "The Lauren Boebert Musical" [To, once again, "Be Our Guest"]
Feel our breast, feel our breast,
Then we'll let you grope the rest.
Let your fingers run across us, dear, and you will pass the test!
In the House, we're a Rep,
So you better watch your step:
As they say, "You go and hump her -- just don't piss off any Trumper."
You're okay, it's a play,
We're in public every day,
And our voters trust that we know what is best.
So follow Trump and Jesus, do your thing and please us.
Feel our breast! Yes, our breast! Feel our breast!
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Speaker of the House [To "Burning Down the House"]
Ahhhhhh Watch out! You might get what you're after
Big babies--estranged and getting stranger
Appoint an ordinary guy
Speaker of the House.

Hold tight, wait till the Party's over
Hold tight, we're in for nasty weather
There's got to be a better way
Speaker of the House

Vote your ticket, back your flag, it's time to behave overboard
The aggravation is here.
Close enough but not a czar, we're not what we think we are
Fighting on a high wire * ah!

All White, we might need a scapegoat,
Break down, don't discuss much in daylight.
Too many palms for us to grease.
Speaker of the House*.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

The Major Maniacal Dictator's Song [To "The Major-General's Song"]
I am the very model of a master of autocracy;
My name is known throughout the world [albeit for hypocrisy];
I have a lust for power, and my mission's to expand my reign,
And nothing's going to stop me [once I finally smash that damn Ukraine].

I had a private army called the Wagner Group [you may have heard];
It's said I killed their leader -- bah, I tell you, that is just absurd!
He led an insurrection but I'm never one to hold a grudge;
That plane crash was an accident! Was I involved? I'll be the judge!

My latest message to the world [I say this quite sadistically]:
I have some brand new nukes, and they can reach your home [ballistically!].
So use some common sense: don't try to mess with my autocracy,
'Cause Xi and Kim Jong Un could help me polish off democracy!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

RNC's Ronna McDaniel Watches the GOP Debate [To "If I Only Had a Brain"]
Trump will never just surrender -- there's nary a contender
Whose path he didn't pave.
They're on stage to audition for a Cabinet position,
Not the job they truly crave.

Some could win the right-of-center, defeat their chief tormentor,
Who's brazenly depraved.
With ol' Joe's numbers sinkin', we don't need another Lincoln
For our party to be saved.

Oh, I could tell you why we're in such disarray.
Ron's a wonk whose claim to fame is "don't say gay,"
And the rest have no cachet.

In debates they're bellyachin', and red-state heads are shakin',
Reviews have not been rave.
Where to find someone saner who's a highly skilled campaigner?
Let's raise Reagan from the grave.
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The Elon Song [To "I'm Too Sexy"]
I'm too X-ey for that name, too X-ey for that name,
Twitter? No, that's just lame.
I'm too X-ey for ol' Zuck, too X-ey for ol' Zuck--
What, "Threads"? What a schmuck!

Get blue checks-ey, pay the fee, blue checks-ey, pay the fee,
Show you're loyal to me!
I'm a mogul, you know what I mean,
And the techie staffers say, "What a prat," walk.
Have a spat, walk, grab their hat, walk.
The site is breaking down after that walk.

Not too X-ey, though, for Nazis, too X-ey, though, for Nazis,
Racist bilge quite a lot sees.
You're objectsy to your feed, objectsy to your feed?
Then I'll cap what you read.

I'm a mogul, you know what I mean,
The employees hear me tell them all "Scat," walk--
"What a brat!" walk, "brain of gnat!" walk,
A site-will-now-frequently-go-splat walk.
Too X-y for my, too X-y for my, too X-y for my, too X-y for my
[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES] (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "Rock and LOL" is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 21: Our Week 41 contest to "discover" new terms by snaking through a word search grid. Click here for the grid and directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Alex Blackwood; Jeff Contompasis)
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1559, Published 10/12/2023
---------------------------------------------
Invitational Week 41: As the Word Turns
'Discover' new words like OUCHPAL by snaking through this random grid. Plus winning Dylan + 1 rhymes.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
OCT 12, 2023

-- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V --
01 L Y I R J K R L B Y J G B R X A Y D B R J R 01
02 T S A Y A T J Y Q Y K J R K U L A T S O P K 02
03 W E C V V F A D S Z O L K T L W R J Q D M R 03
04 T E A V L N A P N S X A O L A Y N D L Y R V 04
05 C H P A E L L A P S I M I T N P T G M T M J 05
06 E C T D L N Y W E E A S N C P M E P L Y E B 06
07 L T I W T P N H Y T T U D Y Q L M L D L J B 07
08 A J Y B M L C Y O J J B R Y O U O O A L O X 08
09 I T W T Y E L N A J D D N H D V I N O O D D 09
10 D T V P E D S C D Y V D S B C T D T Z L C G 10
11 L B T S L N K X G G T S A T H T I Y E H G L 11
12 D F E X R A N M M R A M I S I Y D B A X D I 12
13 X B R L L Z L P L U N P C E E K Y L P K Y Y 13
14 N T Y O R Y R J O L B I E L F J L G O N A T 14
15 L Y P J N M T Y L L G A P K S A M A D H Q L 15
16 A E T Y K T L B Y Y L L O C H P L Z O P O A 16
17 Q L R E L Z Z I F J X A L U G A M L M O E O 17
18 Y J L Y I B D W M J K I A H R A A P B R R B 18
19 Q J R A W M N T V D Z A M C D R I A O I P N 19
20 Q N W M C B I W M G B J Y V N E T E E Q Q Y 20
21 Y L P N Y M V N X Y T M P K T Q Q L T M P K 21
22 X M N T D K M Y Z R M P J A M M T B R Y X R 22
-- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V --


The Invitational:

Beginning on M-16: OUCHPAL: Your bondage partner.
E-16: KNOLLERY: JFK assassination obsession. "Yeah, Chuck wants to visit Dealey Plaza for our vacation again."

R-9: NODLY: How you fake interest in your lunch date's recitation of troubles with the office photocopier.

We're making the Invitational grid again! Here's the perfect contest for those Gene Poolers who aren't inclined to, say, spend a week writing an elaborate song parody: There are lots of possibilities just sitting there. For Week 41: "Discover" a humorous new word or multi-word term by tracing a path through the randomly generated grid above -- in any direction or several directions, up, down, back, forth, diagonally, but always using contiguous squares -- and define the result, as in the examples above ("ouchpal" is the one traced out). You can't trace over the same spot on the grid twice. Using the word in a funny sentence can help you get the ink over someone else who "found" the same term.

Begin each entry -- you can send as many as 25 -- with the coordinates of your first letter (e.g., C--12) as above; we'll trace it from there. Letter-hyphen-number. And you must put the coordinates, word, and definition all on the same line -- don't hit Enter between them. (You should be able to print out the grid from this link.)

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-41. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 21, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 26.

The winner gets, just in time for Halloween, a "Glow Knife" headband that makes it look as if a translucent green plastic knife is going through you. Complete with its name in Danish.


If you're driven mad by trying to trace those letters through that grid, here's evidently one way to achieve serenity.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


The Rhymes They Are a-Changin': The Dylan tailgaters of Week 39
In Week 39 we invited you to choose any line from Writer of Many, Many Lines Bob Dylan, and rhyme it with your own line, in a couplet that the light-verse world calls a tailgater. We especially liked Frank Osen's "I am a man of constant sorrow/ You brought me pizza from Sbarro," but tragically, "Man of Constant Sorrow" is an old folk song; Dylan's credited only as arranger.

Third runner-up:
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand at the mongrel dogs who teach
And then left the school board meeting to inject myself with bleach.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
"Go on back to see the gypsy, he can move you from the rear."
They sure have funny ways of saying "colonoscopy" 'round here.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children --
The laws here in Texas are simply bewild'rin'.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the human-heart stress-relieving squeezy thing:
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes,
The four-inch heels we gals must wear while working for Fox News. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Blowin': Honorable mentions
But I would not feel so all alone --
Everybody must get cloned. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Come senators, congressmen, please heed the call,
But don't yank that fire alarm on the wall.
(Frank Osen; Duncan Stevens)

I'd a-done anything for that woman if she didn't make me feel so obligated
To similarly please her every time I got fellated. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Del.)

I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken--
In a string of emoji their nonsense was spoken. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"No reason to get excited," the thief he kindly spoke.
"Just find 11,780 votes for me and not that other bloke." (Jesse Frankovich)

Ring bell, hard to tell if anything is goin' to sell
Unless it's Girl Scout Do-si-dos, which every year do very well. (Chris Doyle)

We sat in her kitchen while her mama was cooking.
"Shouldn'ta cooked her," said the cops at the booking. (Duncan Stevens)

Tell ya what, I would not feel so all alone
If you'd just pardon me like Roger Stone. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
But what's that "Kick Me" sign on my behind? (Duncan Stevens)

Although it's tradition to have a bris,
You took a part of me that I really miss. (Judy Freed)

But I would not feel so all alone
If only I could charge my phone. (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)

Once I had mountains in the palm of my hand --
Carpal tunnel surgery cost me six grand. (Frank Osen)

Well, you walk into the room like a camel and then you frown --
Perhaps you shouldn't wear a backpack underneath your gown (Frank Osen)

We never did too much talking anyway.
Ted Cruz went first on Filibuster Day. (Duncan Stevens)

"Disillusioned words like bullets bark"
Is a simile that went wide of the mark. (Frank Osen)

You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns when they all did tricks for you
But you cannot take your eyes from the Trumpers telling lies while they act like dicks for you (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Darkness at the break of noon?
Why'd we go to Antarctica in June? (Duncan Stevens)

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin', I was layin' in bed
Chucklin' about how much money I made back tourin' with the Dead (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Everybody knows that baby's got new clothes
She spat up on her onesie -- seven washings, still it shows. (Duncan Stevens)

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me
This way I don't have to pay the streaming fee (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

I ain't lookin' to block you up.
That's why I put prune juice in your cup. (Judy Freed)

I must admit I felt a little uneasy when she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe
Together with Crazy Glue. (Frank Osen)

That it is not he or she or them or it that you belong to;
Your pronouns no one can dictate, for it is surely wrong to. (Mark Raffman)

I've got a hole where my stomach disappeared
These Ozempic side effects are beyond weird (Frank Osen)

They'll stone you when you're playing your guitar
Which means you ain't cut out for Juilliar'. (Gary Crockett)

And Last: To ease the pain of idleness and the memory of decay
I've been reading through Bob Dylan lyrics sixteen hours a day. (Chris Doyle)

And Even Laster: She tries to write a chiasmus -- it sounds so darn banal.
She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The headline "The Rhymes They Are a-Changin'" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Kevin Dopart and Tom Witte submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 14: Our Week 40 contest for song lyrics about anything in the news right now, either in parody lyrics or a video. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-40 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Tom Witte)
Prize: (Roy Ashley)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1558, Published 10/05/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 40: It's Parody Time
Send up the news with those songs and videos that you do so well. Plus winning chiasmus jokes.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
OCT 5, 2023


You probably did that already. But check out the twist on Dante in this week's Invitational results below.

The New Contest: Finding Parodise
It's been too long since we had a full-blown song parody contest, one of our stockiest stocks-in-trade: For Week 40: Write a satiric song about anything in the news these days, set to any familiar tune -- or even your own tune, if you'll sing it to our readers. Include a link to the original tune so that readers can follow along. Videos are welcome as well; include a public link to your performance along with your lyrics. Be sure to tell us what song you're parodying, even it it's OBBBBBBvious; we promise not to be insulted.

Because these lyrics are going to be read, not listened to (unless you're making a video), don't send us a line-by-line parody of a five-minute recording; best for us are lyrics generally about 8 to 16 lines, without choruses that simply repeat the same words.

For that ol' Guidance and Inspiration, see the winning lyrics and videos from last year.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-40. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, were you, uh, Mozart. Read the form first for formatting instructions, as well for guidelines for what we're looking for in song lyrics.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 14, at 9 p.m. ET -- but if you need just a little more time to edit the video, or polish the lyric, email the Empress and she'll see what she can do. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 19.

The winner gets a cute little solar-powered energetically swaying hula dancer, her feet anchored in some plastic greenery. If your car's dashboard lacks that certain tackiness, this is an instant solution. Donated by Dave Prevar.


Who better to dance along sensually to your inking song parody? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Read Our Flips: The chiasmi of Week 38
In Week 38 we asked for witticisms featuring chiasmus, the clever inversion (more or less) of a phrase. We also allowed for spoonerisms, a variant in which the beginnings of two words are switched. Our exhortations to make them original prevented most of you from sending in the one about leaving no tern unstoned.

Third runner-up: A protest sign outside a Kanye West concert: Hope All Who Enter Here Abandon Ye. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: Her profile said she was one of a kind, but she turned out to be kind of a 1. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up: If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you give a fish a man, he eats for a month. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

And the winner of the L for Loser iron-on patch:
Why do men believe they're so good at making love? Because the women they love are so good at making believe. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Dimmer Switches: Honorable mentions
Trump's offering the country not a New Deal, but a Do Kneel! (Ed Gordon, Austin)

What do you call an arrogant Broadway actor with a single award? A one-Tony prick. (Chris Doyle)

On a first date, one may reasonably anticipate a peck on the kisser, but not a kiss on the pecker. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A snail was giving thought to crossing the road, but she was a big procrastinator. So what happened? A big crow passed and ate her. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Cigar but no clothes. -- B. Clinton (Jesse Frankovich)

How was Linda Lovelace different from Linda Tripp? The first was a porn star, while the second a Starr pawn. (Chris Doyle)

An infield home run -- were those guys in Nats caps taking catnaps? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Did you hear that the sperm bank is closing because of its string of lousy donors? They're having a fire sale after the sire fail. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

We've gone from facts determining opinions to opinions determining facts. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

What did Humpty Dumpty tell the horses and men who were trying to put his yolk and white back together? "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The scion of the Listerine fortune is a real heir of fresh breath. (Jesse Frankovich)

Kevin was Speaker of the House, but he never learned the hows of the Speaker. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

King Charles III disdains splashy royal processions and pageantry. After the obligatory coronation froufrou, he instructed his court, "Don't parade on my reign." (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Mike Pence is in the "party of life," but he surely isn't the life of the party. (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)

It's said that certain bordellos in Prague have a policy in which johns must remit payment not just before the deed is done, but before they even arrive at the establishment. As they put it, the check must be in the mail before the male can be in the Czech. (Justin Stone, New York, a First Offender)

Sex with your mama was enjoyable, but it was spoiled the next morning by a fly in the ointment: I needed an ointment in the fly. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Show too much sex and violence, censors will have you vexed and silenced. (Sam Mertens)

A new mom was feeling down in the dumps because when her baby's diaper had slipped off onto the comforter there were dumps in the down. (Beverley Sharp)

Sometimes in a public restroom, you need to bum a wipe in order to wipe a bum. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Lennon-McCartney song "Can't Buy Me Love" was a flop in its original version, "Can't Love Me? Bye!" (Jonathan Jensen)

Did you hear that the ex-Nationals pitcher rushed into the stands to assault a heckler? Seems he could batter a fan as well as he could fan a batter. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

What do you call Trump's hate mail? Jeer Don letters. (Jesse Frankovich)

When your lover hurts you, you're liable to go out and have an affair just out of spite. As the song says, your weepin' heart will make you cheat. (Jonathan Jensen)

The rich playboy finally got his comeuppance when he was convicted of sexual assault on a member of his household staff: They cooked his goose when he goosed his cook. (Jonathan Jensen)

The would-be thief was about to run off with some winter wear, but nope -- he was caught with his down pants. (Judy Freed)

What is a common rule at fundamentalist Bible camps? The Men Command Tents. (Chris Doyle)

Why did Hunter Biden get indicted? Gun of a son! (Jesse Frankovich)

Republicans work to ensure Democrats have problems in voting so that Republicans can keep voting in problems. (Michael Stein)

I know I'm short, but I'd rather be under six feet than six feet under. (Rob Cohen)

It's a hard-knock life. Had to move back in with my parents. Now if only I could get them to remember: It's a hard life! Knock! (Judy Freed)

And Last: You might get ink if your submission contains a wry idea. But you're more likely to get ink if your submission contains "diarrhea." (Mark Raffman)

The headline "Read Our Flips" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle and Jeff Contompasis each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 7: Our Week 39 contest for "tailgater" couplets in which you pair a line from a Bob Dylan song with a rhyming one of your own. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-39 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1557, Published 09/28/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 39: Tailgating on the Highway
Pair a Dylan line with your own rhyming one. Plus winning 'backronyms.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 28, 2023
03 Crossroads Sign - Highway 61 - Delta Blues Museum - Shopping Cart

Come gather 'round, people . . . and try the new contest
Abe said, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
And God said, "On the Outer Loop, which is backed up from the John Hanson Highway to Route 1."

Johnny's in the basement, mixin' up the medicine
As I listen to this on antiquated vinyl technology invented by Thomas Alva Edison.

And it's a-hard, it's a-hard, it's a-hard, it's a-HARD *
* So, babe, let me slip you this stiff calling card.

This week's contest was suggested by Loser Jon Ketzner, who finds himself with a lot more Invite ink now that he's no longer under the thumb of the Washington Post Taste Police (see today's results, below, for example). Jon suggests a Dylan "tailgaters" contest: For Week 39: You choose a line from a song written by Bob Dylan, then pair with your own rhyming line. Your line may either follow Dylan's real line or precede it. (Dylan himself does not have to have rhymed his line.)

The first example above was written by Dave Zarrow, for an old Style Invitational contest that had nothing to do, theme-wise, with Bob Dylan.

Most of Dylan's lyrics are conveniently online at bobdylan.com/songs, but they're also all over the Web.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-39. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. Please see this week's form for important formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 7, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 12.

The winner gets a bright red, surprisingly detailed squeeze "ball" in the shape of the human heart, featuring the logo of Philadelphia's Mutter Museum of medical history. Donated by 442-time Loser Dave Prevar, who picked it up on a Loserfest vacation weekend a few weeks ago.

You can sing your Dylan tailgater to organ accompaniment: This week's heart-gripping prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, we need questions / ruminations / observations that Gene can answer right here, in real time. Send 'em to this tasteful orange button:

Ask a question!

INK: Infamy, Not Kudos -- backronyms of Week 37
In Week 37 we asked for "backronyms" -- you choose a word or name, then treat it as an acronym, as if its letters stood for your description. These worked better when you opted to spell the word/name correctly, which many of you did. (Hint: The car isn't a "Telsa.")

Third runner-up: OPPENHEIMER: (1) Overcome Physics Problems. (2) Enable Nightmarish Human/ Environmental Incineration. (3) Miserably Express Remorse. (Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)

Second runner-up: 2024: 2 0minous 2 4tell (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: BEETLEJUICE: Breasts Embraced, Erection Tugged, Lauren (Elected Jackass) Ushered Into Colorado Evening (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

And the winner of the jesterish foam hat in Mardi Gras colors:
WRITERS' STRIKE: (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

(N)OTABLE (O)THER (P)ROUD (E)FFORTS:
Honorable mentions
MELANIA TRUMP: Marry, Eventually Leave, And Negotiate. I'll Acquire Tremendous Riches Under My Plan. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

LYCRA: Lets Yoga Classmates Regard Asses (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

X: Xhe Xeirdest Xndustrialist's Xemper Xantrum Xstablished Xebranding (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

FLORIDA: Funny Land Of Raging Idiots Dodging Alligators (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

IOWA: I'm Overwhelmingly White, America (overwhelmingly white Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

CHATGPT: College Help App: The Great Professor-Tricker (John Cherniavsky, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)

McCARTHY: Mismanaging Clown Car After Recruiting Those House Yutzes (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

KAMALA: Kept As My Advantageously Lackluster Alternative - J.R.B. (Kevin Dopart)

HAWAII: Heavenly Area With An Intermittent Inferno (Jon Gearhart)

HARLAN CROW: Helped Arrange Riskless Loan After Noticing Clarence's Rusty Old Winnebago (Chris Doyle)

BEER: Belly Expands, Erudition Retreats. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

CAT: Cunning Allergen Transmitter (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

GIRAFFE: Gee, I Really Am Fucking Freakishly Excellent (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

TUCKER: Twit Unctuously Cheers Kremlin, Encourages Racists (Duncan Stevens)

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Vicious, Lying And Dangerous, I Murder Indiscriminately. Russians! Please Understand This Is Necessary! (Stephen Gold, London)

LYFT: Look, Your Fare Tripled! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

SCOTUS: Six Conservatives Out To Upstage Scalia (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

SELF-DRIVING CAR: "Sleep! Enjoy Life! Fuhgedabout Driving! Rela-a-ax! I'm Very Into Navigating! (Glitches, Crashes Are Rare...)" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

SIGMUND FREUD: Sexual Innuendo Grand Master. "Unsurprisingly, Nocturnal Donut Frenzy Reflects Erotic Unconscious Desires" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

WOMAN: Weary Of Manspreaders And Neanderthals (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

OLIVES: Only Licorice Is Viler Entree Spoiler (Pam Shermeyer)

And Last: GENE: Generally Entertaining, Not Edifying (Janet Hlatky, Herndon, Va.)

The headline "INK: Infamy, Not Kudos" is by the infamous Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 30: Our Week 38 contest for witticisms using chiasmus -- sort of mirror image, like "If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-38 for full directions.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (John Ketzner)
Examples: (Dave Zarrow)
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1556, Published 09/21/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 38: Cross Us Up
Mirror a phrase, more or less, in this week's wordplay contest. And we offer a certain respect and admiration for Trumpsters.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 21, 2023

Chi marks the spot in this week's wordplay contest . (Film Journal)

The Invitational, Week 38: Simultaneous, Explosive Chiasms
Not all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave their homes, but all men kiss their homes goodbye when they leave their wives. (David Kleinbard)

If you're planning to take a drive on the Beltway, don't start by taking a belt in the driveway. (Dave Zarrow)

I'd rather have bliss with two sisters than a cyst with two blisters. (Tom Witte)

This week's contest is completely new and original, a lie that we justify to ourselves when it's been ten years or more since we ran a previous one. (In this case, twelve years.) For Week 38, write an original witticism containing a chiasmus -- a sentence or phrase followed by its inversion, as in the examples above from a previous contest we don't officially acknowledge. It may be on any subject: philosophical, political, personal, pseudo-literary, phallic, etc. And it doesn't even have to begin with P.

For this contest, we are using the term "chiasmus" to include its Patty-Duke-like nearly identical cousin called antimetabole. In short, we will accept entries in which the words in the first half of a phrase or a sentence are directly transposed in the second half, or where the initial sounds are playfully altered and inverted, spoonerism-style. The most famous example of the first type is John F. Kennedy's "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." The most famous example of the second type, attributed to various wits, is "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Note: You may also use a word and its homonym (e.g., chased/chaste).

For more examples from The Time Before Memory, see here and here.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-38. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 30, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5.


The winner gets one of our most Loserly prizes ever: this iron-on patch, even though it was not made specifically for the Losers, the moniker that the social community of Invitational contestants gave themselves decades ago, in honor of the contest's prize for runner-ups at the time, a coveted T-shirt emblazoned "LOSER." The patch was found and donated by Loser Extraordinaire Jonathan Jensen, who probably has one of these tattooed on his chest.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Bless Their Hearts: Trumpster-positive thoughts from Week 36
In Invitational Week 36 we asked you to offer either respect or compassion for the many passionate admirers of Donald Trump.

Third runner-up:
Respect: No way would they vote for a guy who'd shoot someone on Third or Seventh Avenue. They've got standards, you know. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Respect: They've broadened their thinking -- they recently acknowledged that the Second Amendment does not guarantee all Hunters the right to bear arms. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
Respect: Given the old adage, Trumpsters must have achieved bliss! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the "Freudian Sips" coffee mug:
Compassion: Have you ever tasted snake oil? (Steve Smith)

EmPathetic: Honorable mentions
Respect / admiration
They alone have realized that Trump wasn't lying about his weight -- he just reported it in kilograms! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Trump supporters are admirably unselfish -- you could never accuse them of voting in their own interest. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

They've successfully contradicted Descartes' first principle: They don't, but still * they are! (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

That MAGA hat really brings out the red in their zits. I'd almost say that it makes them pop, but it doesn't quite. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

They're so brave - even though they fear being raped and murdered by those people, they still eat at Taco Bell and Chipotle. (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece)

They know and understand God's immutable distinction between those who are permitted to grab genitals and those whose genitals are permitted to be grabbed. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

You've got to admire people whose jobs won't be replaced by AI. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Unlike the Democrats, at least they truly believe their guy ought to be president in 2025. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Compassion
Playing the role of a big strong man in tears who meets Trump everywhere and calls him "sir" is so time-consuming and hard on the lacrimal ducts! (Duncan Stevens)

They'll have to settle for a low-rent version of "The Apprentice" called "The Apprehended," which shows Trump making prison deals, such as ramen for smokes. (Leif Picoult)

The bus that shuttles them between the D.C. Jail and courthouse never shows any good movies. (Duncan Stevens)

Nobody looks good in a brown shirt. (Kevin Dopart)

So many of them still must endure having their medical bills paid by Obamacare. (Steve Smith)

Alas, none of them will be permitted to selflessly serve Trump's jail time. (Steve Smith)

With all the different Trump trials coming up, there are so many jurors to stalk and threaten, so little time! (Duncan Stevens)

It's sad for them when they realize they're a -- ugh -- minority in this country. (Sam Mertens)

Crotch-grabbing and making little kissy sounds hasn't worked so well with the ladies after all. (Duncan Stevens)

It's such a challenge now to get your mistress an abortion. (Kevin Dopart)

They've spent half their money on funding Trump's legal defense, and soon they'll spend the other half on mailing him shiv-filled MyPillows. (Leif Picoult)

It must be a struggle to be proud of the January 6 "protests" even though they were obviously the work of Antifa. (Kevin Dopart)

It must be unnerving that Trump probably is still nine criminal charges short of what he needs to win the presidency. (Steve Smith)

So many all-you-can-eat buffets don't tell you they only mean it for the first four hours. (Sam Mertens)

They truly have no idea why so many of their friends and family members have died over the past three years. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Ode to the Trumpsters (a parody of Stephen Sondheim's "Sorry-Grateful")
(Video of Judy Freed performing it)
I'm truly sorry that you're so hateful.
No use denying what makes you tick - just one big dic * tator.
You don't live with him. You do live for him.
You're scared they're gonna lock him away. We only pray.

Good people scorn you, He does too.
It must not be easy being you.

And so I'm sorry you're not regretful.
Why do I bother? You've all gone dim.
Your karmic footprint is looking grim,
Which has something to do -- no, all to do with him.

He'll always be what he always was,
So I'm sorry you fall for everything he does.
I want nothing to do with all to do with him.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And Last: We should admire and respect Trump supporters! After all, aren't they losers with a capital L, too? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline "Bless Their Hearts" is by Beverley Sharp; Beverley also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 23: Our Week 37 contest for backronyms -- you treat a name as an acronym and tell us what phrase it "stands for." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-37.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (David Kleinbard; Dave Zarrow; Tom Witte)
Title: (Beverley Sharp)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp)
Prize: (Jonathan Jensen)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1555, Published 09/14/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 37: Do You Have to Spell It Out for Us?
You do. Give us 'backronyms.' Plus severed-body-parts 'Muldoon' verses.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 14, 2023

Help Us Morons Misuse Earth's Resources: Clearly what the name of this vehicle stands for, right? It's time for another backronym contest, below

We're Baaaaack*. The New Contest
HUMMER: Help Us Morons Misuse Earth's Resources (Elwood Fitzner)

METRO: More Efficient Than Renting Oxen (Michael Reinemer)

SNOWDEN: Spy, Nerd Or Whistleblower, Drives Everyone Nuts (Gary
Crockett)

WAR AND PEACE: Who Actually Reads All Ninety Dozen Pages? Eggheads -- And Counterfeit Eggheads. (Melissa Balmain)

For Invitational Week 37: Take the name of any person, place, or thing and write a snarky description of it by using each of its letters, in order, as the first letters of your snark, as in the examples above, which were taken from long-ago Style Invitational results. It's been seven years since we last did this.

For guidance and inspiration -- and to be sure you're not using a joke someone else already got ink for -- check out our previous Style Invitational backronym results: Week 632 (2005); Week 1025 (2013); and Week 1169 (2016). (Scroll down past each of those weeks' new contests.) We'll be partial to contemporary references, but not dismissive of others, if they are good.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-37. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 23, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 28.

The winner gets a plush foamy jesterish hat in Mardi Gras colors, in plenty of time for you to contrive some clever purpose for it as part of a Halloween costume. Brand new and donated by the Ever-Donatin' Dave Prevar.


Be just as jolly as this mannequin with this week's festive prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity. We have one today.

Arse Poetica: Winning 'Muldoons' from Week 35
In Week 35 we asked you to write what we called Muldoons, in honor of the wonderfully alliterative Pulitzer prizewinning Princeton poet Paul P. Muldoon, who once wrote Muldoons, and/or something very much like them. A Muldoon had to be four lines long and include (1) a geographical location -- a term that we were generous enough to accept "the Underworld," but not Mar-a-Lago, Sotheby's or "the produce aisle" -- and (2) two body parts; and (3) at least one rhyme. Also, we do not believe Mr. Muldoon's middle name begins with a P, but we liked the continued alliteration.

Third runner-up:
He unpacked his bag and unbuttoned his coat;
He had a red nose and a very sore throat.
So no one got presents and no one got coal;
'Twas the first case of Covid to hit the North Pole.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Second runner-up:
In New York he was famed
For smart anti-crime stands,
Now Rudy can't pinpoint
His ass with both hands.
(Stephen Gold, London)

First runner-up:
The Michelin Man was pale and wan, so to his face I spoke:
"You are so fun and jolly -- why not cheer us with a joke?"
"I've been on worldwide jaunts to all the company's suppliers.
I just flew in from Katmandu, and boy, are my arms tires."
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the pen with the poop emoji that pops off the top:
The task of eating pizza in New York
Is done with hands, and never knife and fork.
Don't break the rules and cause a massive eye roll --
Just fold it up and shove it in your piehole.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Nothin' 'doon: Honorable mentions
An ogre from the Underworld had feelings most unpleasant:
"My reflux has come back -- I couldn't eat another peasant!
My eyes were bigger than my tum,' digestion's not so spry.
I ought to chew before I gulp --" Then he heaved a heavy thigh.
(Jonathan Paul)

A farmer hailed an alien whose spaceship came to Earth,
He shook the creature's giant hand for all that he was worth.
The strange being screamed as if he suffered a great harm.
"Uh-oh," thought the farmer, "I don't think that was his arm."
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

In Fulton County they snapped his mug
in a look unpresidential.
If the trial be fair, then his derriere
soon will be there, residential.
(Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender)

On the Texas frontier, he rides up to my rear,
Says my ass is so lovely to stare at.
So I bid him draw near, and I say in his ear,
"If you like you can give it a carrot."
(Jonathan Paul)

It's not his heart.
It's not his head.
Mitch froze in D.C.
From existential dread.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

When reporting to the court he claimed a weight of 215.
The clerk said, "With all due respect, you don't appear that lean."
"I got weighed last week in Palm Beach!" declared defendant Trump.
The clerk asked, "Did that sum include your belly and your rump?"
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)

An actress of the California kind
Lost face when people laughed at her behind.
"My tuchus has begun to sag, I fear:
I'll need a surgeon to bring up the rear."
(Beverley Sharp)

In Paradise, Nevada, on a cool November night,
When Holyfield and Tyson got together for a fight,
The referee yelled, "Stop! This bout's gone seriously south!"
"Huh, what'd you say?" Evander cried. "My ear is in his mouth!"
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

I offer a riddle: can you name the mollusk
That's often discovered on Washington beaches?
A "duck" without wings, just one very long foot,
Which resembles the phallus of mammalian creatures.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)


A urologist's finger.
A prostate massage.
Spermatozoa
Erupt like Krakatoa.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A man from Muskogee desired a fresh start;
Went into the hospital for a new heart.
"Oh, no!" cried the surgeon, who said with a shiver,
"My scalpel just slipped -- hope he's fond of chopped liver."
(Beverley Sharp)

A bumbling doc from Dubuque
Was retrained by the med school at Duke.
The dean was impressed and said, "Wow --
He knows his glutes from his cubitus now."
(Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

On the beach in Daytona one year on spring break,
She caught my eye and made my knees quake.
I kissed her sweet lips; their taste seemed to linger.
I gave her my heart but she gave me the finger.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

I dreamed I was a Labrador retriever.
My wife said, "Yes, I know," and I said "What?"
With twinkling eyes, she said I should believe her --
Last night in bed, I turned and sniffed her butt.
(Mark Raffman)

A would-be poet lived in Spain;
In vain he daily strained his brain.
But all his efforts were kaput:
He didn't have a metric foot. (Beverley Sharp)

At Kentucky Fried Chicken, I said, "Here to eat!
But I've major aversions to undercooked meat.
Are your leg pieces fully cooked through, every one?"
"Oh, yes," they assured me. "Sir, thigh will be done."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Some devils went down to Georgia
Lookin' to put a thumb on the scale
They were in a bind, their candidate behind --
Now their asses are headin' to jail. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

That Captain in Neverland's in for a shock --
He's about to encounter that croc with the clock.
At the end of the day, he'll need more than a peg:
The bloodbath will cost him an arm and a leg. (Beverley Sharp)

Hot ruby lips, mascaraed eyes,
A penchant for outrageous lies.
Who knew a drag queen from Brazil
Could steal the show on Capitol Hill? (Jonathan Jensen)

The Galapagos Islands -- a natural museum!
So get off your butt and make haste to go see 'em.
But don't look for diamonds or sapphires or rubies;
Just keep your eyes open (in case you like boobies). (Beverley Sharp)

Her eyes shine bright as planet Venus --
A perfect match, say those who've seen us.
Her accent will not come between us
When she says she wants "ha-penis." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Said the Limerick lady, "This verse
Makes me sick to my stomach, or worse.
It's a pain in the brain
To write a quatrain.
(With no fifth line, the thing's just too terse.)" (Mark Raffman)

And Last: To the Empress:
I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as your knee.
Your elbow crests fair Beauty's arc.
(Please send my prize to Garrett Park.)
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

The headline "Arse Poetica" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jonathan Paul; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 16: Our Week 36 contest for reasons to be respectful and compassionate toward Trumpers. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-36.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Elwood Fitzner; Michael Reinemer; Gary Crockett; Melissa Balmain)
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jonathan Paul)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1554, Published 09/07/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 36: U * TFG's BFFs
Plus winning 'mirthdays,' finding parallels between two people with the same birthday.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
SEP 7, 2023

(Picture highlighting the haircuts of Boris Johnson and Moe Howard)
June 19 birthday boys Boris Johnson and Moe Howard, brought to our attention
by Loser Kevin Dopart. See more natal-day linkages in today's results below.

Okay, now for the new contest. For Invitational Week 36: We are asking all of you to reach out to beleaguered Trump supporters and bathe them in the warmth of your love, to help bind the nation's wounds. More details below, but first, to get you in the mood, here is a song written and performed by veteran Loser Jonathan Jensen, who plays string bass in the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD1U3cs0yio

Back to the notion of loving Trump lovers: There are two categories of entries we will accept:
1. A reason to feel compassion for Trumpers in this difficult time, and
2. A reason to respect and admire them.
Examples:

Compassion: Have you seen how much bootleg ivermectin costs these days?

Respect: They're admirably loyal to their guy, just like that nutcake rabbi who was imploring Nixon not to resign even while the escape helicopter was already on the White House lawn and the president was having animated, paranoid conversations with paintings of previous presidents.

This contest was suggested by Tom the Butcher (aka Tom Shroder).

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-36. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 16, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 21.

The winner gets a very nice coffee mug labeled Freudian Sips. Donated by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Freudian Sips
Best enjoyed with just a cigar. This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Same-Day Deliveries: Shared birthdays from Week 34
In Week 34, we asked you to link two people who have or had the same birthday.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! With the insane amount of ink he earns this week -- a personal-best six entries -- Roy Ashley, a Loser since 1995 who turned 81 last month, boings with a hop, skip and jump right into the Invitational Hall of Fame with his 500th inking entry, becoming its seventeenth member. Roy's first ink was in a contest for Bad Analogies: "The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy!' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

The world's youngest-looking octogenarian: Roy Ashley, Loser since Week 120, at the Invitational's 2019 Flushies awards.
Mirthdays:

Third runner-up: Zinedine Zidane (born 6-23-1972): That headbutt! Clarence Thomas (6-23-1948): That butthead! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up: Richard Roundtree (7-9-1942): Shaft. Courtney Love (7-9-1964): Hole. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up: Albert Einstein (3-14-1879) and Simone Biles (3-14-1997): They're both flippin' geniuses! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of either a cake baked by the Empress or a pair of tiny biting-shark earrings: Robert M. "Fighting Bob" Lafollette Sr. (6-14-1855) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946): One was a champion of working stiffs, the other's a champion of stiffing workers. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Twinners & Losers: Honorable mentions
Joe Arpaio (6-14-1932) and Donald Trump (6-14-1946):
Higgledy piggledy,
Joseph Arpaio, the
Toughest American
Sheriff was he,
Famous for being a
Hyperfanatical
Immigrant hunter and
Trump pardonee.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Neither Al Gore (3-31-1948) nor Chlodwig, Prince of Hohenlohe-Schillingsfurst (3-31-1819), invented the internet. (Kevin Dopart)

Hugh Grant (9-9-1960) and Joe Theismann (9-9-1949): Break a leg! (Roy Ashley)

Carlo Gambino (8-24-1902) and Cal Ripken Jr. (8-24-1960): Both reliably produced hits. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Saint Nicholas (3-15-270) gave money to the needy. Seventeen hundred years later, Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) took it back. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Andrew Jackson (3-15-1767) and Jimmy Swaggart (3-15-1935) are both known for trails of tears. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Bob Fosse (6-23-1927): "All That Jazz." Alfred Kinsey (6-23-1894): All that jizz. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Spanish soccer coach Luis Rubiales (8-23-1977) says he momentarily lost his head; Louis XVI (8-23-1754) could relate. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Warren Beatty (3-30-1937) and Secretariat (3-30-1970): Two guys who scored with a lot of fillies. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Richard Nixon (1-9-1913) and "Gilligan's Island" actor Bob Denver (1-9-1935) were both at the center of terrible plots. (Jesse Frankovich)

Humphrey Bogart (12-25-1899) and Ghislaine Maxwell (12-25-1961): "Here's looking at you, kid" had very different meanings for the two of them. (Michael Stein)

David Hasselhoff (7-17-1952) worked surrounded by big boobs. Camilla Parker Bowles (7-17-1947) works along just one big boob. (Roy Ashley)

Sylvester Stallone (7-6-1946) was known for a "Rocky" portrayal. George W. Bush (also 7-6-1946) was known for Iraqi betrayal. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Charles Barkley (2-20-1963): "The Round Mound of Rebound." Sen. Mitch McConnell (2-20-1942): The Lie Guy of KY. (Jesse Frankovich)

Michael Jordan (2-17-1963) and Trump toady Rep. Jim Jordan (2-17-1964):
Two Jordans born this day: one full of grace,
Who swooped around the court with skill that's rare,
And one whose "Biden bribes, a slam-dunk case!"
Consists, it always seems, of only Air.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Actor Verne Troyer (1-1-1969) and golfer Leonard Thompson (1-1-1969): Both had a good short game. (Leif Picoult)

Michelangelo (3-6-1475) and Shaquille O'Neal (3-6-1972): Only one of them needs a ladder to paint a ceiling. (Michael Stein)

Because of undying devotion, Gladys Knight (5-28-1944) rode the midnight train to Georgia; Rudy Giuliani (also 5-28-1944) took a plane. (Steve Smith; Leif Picoult)

Boxers Rocky Marciano (9-1-1923) and James "Gentleman Jim" Corbett (9-1-1866):
Inside the ring, from bout to bout,
They met their foes and knocked 'em out!
So why's 9/1 the date they share?
12/26 seems much more fair.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Philosopher Rene Descartes (3-31-1596) and poet Octavio Paz (3-31-1914): "I think, therefore iamb." (Dan Sachs, Pineville, N.C.)

Georges Seurat (12-2-1859): A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of Grande Jatte. Aaron Rodgers (12-2-1983): A Sunday Afternoon on the Field of Green Jets. (Jesse Frankovich)

Christopher Columbus (10-31-1451): Made a daring trip and set foot in a new world; Apollo 11's Michael Collins (10-31-1930): Made a daring trip and * well, close. (Beverley Sharp)

Cleavon Little (6-1-1939) and Yevgeny Prigozhin (6-1-1951)
Cleavon Little gained fame as a sheriff named Bart
In a flick that promoted the campfire fart.
While avoiding all tea and tall buildings, Prigozhin
Overlooked a quite different kind of explosion.
(Chris Doyle)

Thomas Edison (2-11-1847) and Alex Jones (2-11-1974): Known for illumination and the opposite. (Michael Stein)

Bruce Springsteen (9-23-1949) and Caesar Augustus (9-23-63 B.C.): Augustus was the Boss for only 42 years. (Kevin Dopart)

Jazzman Steve Lacy (7-23-1934) blew the sax really well. Monica Lewinsky (7-23-1973) knew a sax player really well. (Kevin Dopart)

Lou Gehrig (6-19-1903) and Moe Howard (6-19-1897) were among the 1930s' top hitters. (Kevin Dopart)

Comedian Rowan Atkinson (1-6-1955): Mr. Bean. Comedian and Maxwell House shill Danny Thomas (1-6-1912): Mr. Coffee Bean. (Roy Ashley)

Bob Barker (12-12-1923) and Frank Sinatra (12-12-1915):
(To "New York, New York")
Start comin' on down! You're playing today!
I am the handsome host of it-- "The Price Is Right"!
These prizes astound -- how much would you say?
Bid close but don't go over it-- The Price Is Right!

You want to be up on the stage with the big star,
And find you're spinning the wheel! Winning a car!

A showcase profound we're giving away
To you who gets most close to it-- The Price Is Right!
Please help my pet crusade -- make sure to get them spayed!
It's up to you! The Price Is Right! (Jesse Frankovich)

Voldemort actor Ralph Fiennes (12-22-1962) played someone almost as evil and creepy as Ted Cruz (12-22-1970). (Jesse Frankovich)

John Locke (8-29-1632): Prominent Enlightenment figure. Michael Jackson (8-29-1958): Prominent lightenment figure. (Jesse Frankovich)

Julia Child (8-15-1912) and Trump finance guy Allen Weisselberg (8-15-1947): One is a writer of cookbooks, the other a writer of cooked books. (Michael Stein)

Vladimir Putin (10-7-1952) and Penthouse Pet Bree Olson (10-7-1986) have appeared topless in major American magazines. (Kevin Dopart)

Golf legend Bobby Jones (3-17-1902) and Stormy Daniels (3-17-1979):
He strode the fairways and the greens,
While she appeared in bedroom scenes.
But each pursued a single goal:
To get it quickly in the hole.
(Mark Raffman)

George Soros (8-12-1930) and Willie Horton (8-12-1951) both helped Republican candidates raise millions. (Steve Smith)

Muhammad Ali (1-17-1942) and Al Capone (1-17-1899):
With blazing fists and Tommy guns
These two men felled their foes.
Ali made boxers hit the mat,
While Al's opponents just fell flat
And never more arose.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Hermann Goring (1-12-1893) and Rush Limbaugh (1-12-1951): Actually, I don't see any similarities at all. (Roy Ashley)

Frank Gifford (8-16-1930) and Kathie Lee Gifford (8-16-1953): Gee, with a shared birthday and the same last name, you'd think that maybe these two should have hooked up! (Roy Ashley)

Cher (5-20-1946) and Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (5-20-1959): If they'd sung a duet, they'd have looked like the number 10. (Jon Ketzner)


Ron DeSantis (9-14-1978) and Amy Winehouse (9-14-1983)
(To "Rehab")
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
Polls are low, low, low.
Suck up to Trump? You look like a chump,
And faux, faux, faux.
In a hole so deep, won't even make the stakes of veep.
Yo, Ron, send your campaign to rehab,
You're out of dough, dough, dough. (Duncan Stevens)

Joanne Woodward (2-27-1930): Devotedly married to the same man for 50 years. Elizabeth Taylor (2-27-1932): Uh, wasn't. (Steve Smith)

Mathematician Jacques Tits (8-12-1930): Famous for the Tits metric." Country singer Porter Wagoner (8-12-1927): Famously boosted the career of Dolly Parton. (Steve Smith)

And Last: Sting (10-2-1951): "Can't Stand Losing You." Gene Weingarten (the very same date): "Can't stand you, Loser." (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: William Shakespeare (4-23-1564) and Judy Freed (4-23-1966):
He wrote with lofty eloquence.
She has a simpler mind.
His words are brilliant poetry.
She's limerick-inclined.
In schools worldwide his works are read;
Their meanings one must teach.
No class is needed for the Loser-
Bard of Deerfield Beach. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The headline "Same-Day Deliveries" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 9: Our Week 35 contest for Muldoons, four-line verses that mention two body parts and a geographical name, and have at least one rhyme. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-35.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Tom Shroder)
Examples: (Jonathan Jensen)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1532:(Kevin Dopart)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1553, Published 08/31/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 35: Doody and Muldoon
Plus 'Jeopardy!' -- the winning questions for our wacko answers
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 31, 2023

Week 35: A Brand New Contest!
I open my eyes --
Las Vegas! How nice!
But I'm missing a kidney
And packed in ice.

--

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes."
That's how the kiddy ditty goes.
(In Jersey, Mob tots end with this take:
"Now cut 'em off and throw 'em in the lake.")

For Invitational Week 35: Write a Muldoon, a four-line poem that features at least two body parts and a place name, and at least one rhyme.

We officially declare this a new contest. We actually did run it once before, during the first George W. Bush administration, but that was so long ago we declare that one deceased and erased from the records.

Muldoons were invented many years ago by the wonderfully alliterative Pulitzer Prizewinning Princeton Poet Paul Muldoon. As in the two examples above (the first by Jennifer Hart in 2003, the second by the Czar twenty years later) each poem must be a single quatrain with at least one rhyme. It must contain references to at least two body parts and one geographical location. The meter can be scattershot.

Click here for this week's entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-35. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 9, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 14.

The winner gets this nifty pen with a poop emoji that pops off into the air at the push of a button. If you happen to see the photo of President Obama signing the Affordable Care Act, look closely and you'll see that this pen was exactly like the one he used that day. Donated by six-time Loser Cheryl White.

No description available.
Until the invention of the typewriter, Invitational entries were written with one of these.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Q It Yourself: Ask Backwards winners from Week 33
In Week 33, as we are wont to do, we offered a list of oddball "answers" and you supplied the questions -- more than 700 of them -- Jeopardy-ish style. For "No-Hit Wonder," too many Losers to credit asked, "What did they call Stevie in Little League?" while a slew of entrants predicted that the 2024 Pantone Color of the Year would be something like Jumpsuit/Skin Orange.

Third runner-up:
A. Only black licorice.
Q. Is it true Florida wants to ban licorice at Disney World? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Second runner-up:
A. Florida Dog.
Q. What dog got bitten by its owner? (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
A. The Dirty Baker's Dozen:
Q, Which pastries are filled with dulce de lech? (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the cute sloth tea infuser:
A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. What's more plausible than "Donald Trump, 6-foot-3, 215 pounds"? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Blowing an Ask-It: Honorable mentions
A. Florida Dog:
Q. Between Florida Man and Florida Dog, who is better able to resist licking his crotch in public? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Q. Who is now protected, by law, from groomers? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Q. Who chases cars head-on? (Kevin Dopart)

Q, Who is not allowed to sniff another dog's butt if it's the same gender? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Q. What's another name for the yoga position Head Up Your Ass? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Q. Who's a dumb boy? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) *

A. 100 cats in a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment:
Q. What's the best remedy for Covid smell loss? (Pam Shermeyer)

Q. What smells like Steve Bannon looks? (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Q. What listing can you find on Hairbnb? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco; Steve Smith)

Q. What would allow a Proud Boy to honestly say, "I'm getting a lot of pussy"? (Mark Raffman)

A. Arguably, they're the same:
Q. What's the difference between a satirical article about the Trump administration and a descriptive article about the Trump administration? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Q. What's the difference between bathtub caulk and American cheese? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

A. Barbie, Ken, and Kamala:
Q. On which pronunciation quiz did Tucker Carlson score 66.67? (Mark Raffman)

Q. What are more valuable when kept boxed up? (Kevin Dopart)

A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. Who is the only recipient of a doctorate in phoniness? (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Q. Who received the first honorary degree bestowed by the Clorox School of Medicine? (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Q. Who hired a team of lawyers to defend his thesis, and then stiffed them on the tab? (Mark Raffman)

Q. Whose dissertation had footnotes citing the source "A lot of people are saying"? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; Duncan Stevens)

Q. Who uses the abbreviation for "Phenomenal Dictator"? (Rob Cohen)

Q. Who got his doctorate in uncivil engineering? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

A. Heirloom Twinkies:
Q. What can you find in the snack aisle next to the locally grown Ding Dongs? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Q. What did Elon Musk pay $2 billion for? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

A. No-Hit Wonder:
Q. What would we have called the Baha Men if the dogs had stayed in? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What's simultaneously an appropriate and inappropriate nickname for Shohei Ohtani? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What do you call someone who can get high just walking past the dispensary? (Gary Crockett)

A. Only black licorice:
Q. What is the candy equivalent of well-done steak with ketchup? (Dan Helming)

Q. Is there a food that will not work as rat bait? (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Q. What is worse than the day when your wife leaves, your business partner takes all of the money that your wife didn't, and your dog dies? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

(Note: Both the Czar and the Empress actually like black licorice. Please send all your unwanted black jelly beans to the E.)

A. Ploppenheimer:
Q. Who is most likely to create a weapon of ass destruction? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A. Oppenhopper:
Q. What did they name the first atomic-powered pogo stick? (Mark Raffman)

Q. Who stars with Bugs Bunny in the 1945 short "Gone Fission"? (Mike Gips)

Q. What do Los Alamos residents call a five-legged frog? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Q. What was Kermit's role in "The Muppets Take Manhattan Project"? (Jeff Contompasis)

The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year:
Q. What is Freshly Picked Cotton? -- R. DeSantis (Steve Smith)

Q. What will be Whatta Maroon? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Q. What is Cell-a-Don? (Barbara Turner)

Q. What announcement sparked an "All Colors Matter" protest? (Judy Freed)

A. A bad idea for an Invitational contest:
Q. What is "Come up with funny twelve-digit numbers"? (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What is "Tell us some funny Holocaust 'equivalencies'"? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Q. What is add "buttfuck" to a movie title and describe the new movie's plot? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Q. What is an annual contest to write a poem about somebody born the preceding year? (Jesse Rifkin)

Q. What is "Make up funny limericks using the names and addresses of the Georgia grand jurors"? (Mark Raffman)

Q. What are insulting Pakistani names for Indian food? (Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Q It Yourself" is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 2: Our Week 34 contest to link two people who share a birthday. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-34.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jennifer Hart)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Beverly Sharp)
Prize: (Cheryl White)
VisibleInk!



---------------------------------------------
Week 1552, Published 08/24/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 34: A Mirthday Party
Link two people who share a birthday. Plus winning 'ho-' limericks.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 24, 2023

Born on Oct. 2: Mohandas Gandhi, of great works, and Stinky Rat, of lousy twerks.

Okay, here comes the new Invitational, suggested in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook Group by Claire Keeler. For Week 34: Make some humorous connection, in verse or otherwise, between two people, living or dead, who share the same birthday. You can find coincidental birthdays all over the internet; we had luck Googling, not in quotes, things like famous birthdays Sept 15.

Mohandas K. Gandhi and StinkyRatTicTok
For both Mahatma Gandhi and this twerking can of corn
Fame arrived, approached and beckoned.
(Plus, we note that both were born
On October the second.)

We disclose that Oct. 2 also happens to be the birthday of the Invitational Czar, which deftly leads to the Czar's alternative example, not in rhyme, coinciding with the Nov. 24 birthday of the Empress: "Pat Myers and former Beatle drummer Pete Best: Both vanished into ignominy and irrelevance because of unwise career choices."

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-34. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 2, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 7.

The winner gets a birthday cake from a mix. Pick it up at the Empress's house, Mount Vermin. Alternatively, the Empress will eat the cake in your honor and you get instead a pair of teeny earrings of a shark chewing on your earlobe. They're on order but are supposed to look something like this.

Photo from Kawaiiandcute2008 on Etsy. Ours didn't cost $46.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Ho-word Bound: Winning limericks from Week 32
In our 20th annual Limerixicon -- our first since being freed of the requirement not to offend any Washington Post readers -- we asked you to create limericks featuring words beginning with "ho-." We received perhaps a hundred honorably honed five-liners, hundreds more ho-hums, and a few dozen horrids. Now that we're announcing the results, feel free to submit your ho- limericks -- inking or not -- to OEDILF.com, the Omnificent English Dictionary. (If you did get ink here, note that with your submission.)

Third runner-up:
For Matt Groening, success arrived slow.
Would he make it? The answer seemed no.
But then one day he drew
Homer Simpson and knew
From then on, he'd be rolling in d'oh!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
The trailer for Maestro is out,
And now Hollywood's talking about
A prosthesis so grand
The Academy's planned
For the Oscar to go to a snout.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Since Grandma was sick, nearly dead,
I poured thoroughbred pee in her bed.
When her doctor found out,
His response was to shout,
"You should put her in HOSPICE, I said!"
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the two Bigfoot car air fresheners:
All the African countries, he tells
Us, are cesspools -- a fact that compels
Us to note we can take
The word "shitholes" and make,
With its letters, the phrase "HIS HOTELS."
(Chris Doyle)

Ho- contraire: Honorable mentions

On a yacht, in a luxury suite,
You can hobnob among the elite,
And the happiest thing:
They're all super-right-wing!
And they say, "Justice T, it's our treat!"
(Mark Raffman)

*What they use in the food that we call
A hot dog is apt to appall.
Lips and gristle add taste
To the mystery paste;
Nothing's wasted -- the wiener takes all.
(Jesse Frankovich)

In Philly, a kid from Muskogee
Called ladies "old hag!" gents "old fogey!"
Shrugged the locals, "Let live!"
But they couldn't forgive
When he ordered a "sub," not a hoagie.
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Said the critic on "Horror Film Chatter":
"All the recent flicks couldn't fall flatter.
Though resplendent in blood,
The plots land with a thud --
I'm just partial to mind over splatter."
(Mark Raffman)

Even though you've done national harm,
I will toast you with requisite smarm
For the added excitement
Of your latest indictment --
Here's hoping the fourth time's the charm.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

A horse who appeared in dismay
Found a bar and walked in. Right away,
The guy tending the place
Asked him, "Why the long face?"
He replied: "I proposed. She said neigh."
(Jesse Frankovich)

"Today, I would like to begin on
The charges you soon will put spin on:
Your ludicrous claim
About witch hunts is lame,
So eff you and that hoax you rode in on."
(Chris Doyle)

Even though he'd no interest in money,
Greedy Winnie-the-Pooh got a gun; he
Went into a store
And yelled, "Down on the floor!
It's a robbery! Show me the honey!"
(Jesse Frankovich)

My kid's teachers now all go by Mx.
Well and good - we're no MAGA-hat hx!
Yet I've nary a clue
How to say it -- this new
Honorific puts me in a fx.
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A hoe can be used among roses,
While a ho strikes some come-hither poses.
One makes garden tracks
While one jumps in all sacks,
But both homonyms work next to "hoses."
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What makes Holmes so exhausted he's plotzin'?
No, it's not his untangling the knots in
Each mystery and crime,
But the hours of time
That it takes to explain them to Watson.
(Chris Doyle)

"It's a hoax!" is the best line you've got
When your other defenses look shot.
Though the snowflakes won't buy it,
Your base will -- just try it!
(Oh, also say "Hunter" a lot.) -- D.J.T.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

There once was a resident horndog
Who frequently misused a corndog.
She tended to slide it
Where no one should hide it
Until it became quite a worn dog.
(Leif Picoult)

Who plays hockey? The hardiest souls!
While they're out on the ice scoring goals,
It's more odds than bad luck
They'll get hit with the puck,
So instead of some teeth they've got holes.
(Mark Raffman)

We gorge on the fattiest chow,
Like fried hog maws and bowls of kung pao,
Food that's dripping with grease.
We are uber-obese --
In the midst of Aporkalypse Now.
(Chris Doyle)

An optometrist working in Guelph
Had a grinder attached to a shelf.
Made a horrible squeal
When he fell on the wheel
And a spectacle out of himself.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The priest told the plumber, "A bit
Of an unpleasant smell. I admit
That the john, so to speak,
Hasn't flushed in a week."
"Yes, I see," plumber said. "Holy shit!"
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

On our first wedded night, there were scenes:
My new bride wriggled out of her jeans
And revealed her bare rear
With a sticky gold smear.
"No, that's not, dear, what honeymoon means."
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


Jesse Frankovich used his prize Week 28 Wicked Witch of the East socks at a soccer match. He's looking for ruby cleats.

Said the pirate, his arm feeling sore
From a horrible moment of gore,
"I am going to look
For a suitable hook
In my neighborhood second-hand store."
(Jesse Frankovich)

For a Valentine's Day sweet surprise,
I got Twinkies -- a box, jumbo size.
So endlessly thrilling,
That sweet Hostess filling!
Now I wear his love on my thighs.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

"What's that smell that your work boots secrete?"
"Ankle-deep at the beer plant, my sweet,
Were those bittering flowers--
The cleanup took hours!
So that's why I've got hoppy feet."
(Duncan Stevens)

This limerick's really a little
Bit silly--it's hollow -- so it'll
Be missing the part in the middle. (Jesse Frankovich, gets 0.6 ink.)

The headline "Ho-word Bound" is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 26: Our Week 33 Ask Backwards contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-33.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Claire Keeler)
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1551, Published 08/17/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 33: Ask Backwards XLII
We give the answers. You give the questions. Plus winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 17, 2023

The answer: 100 cats in a two-bedroom apartment. What's the question? See below. (Collage/jigsaw puzzle by Sergey Taran, PXPuzzles.com)

Okay, good. Now, the Invitational.

Q Cards: It's Ask Backwards, Week 33
100 cats in a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment.
Only black licorice.
Barbie, Ken, and Kamala.
Ploppenheimer.
Oppenhopper.
No-Hit Wonder.
Heirloom Twinkies.
Donald Trump, PhD.
Arguably, they're the same.
The Dirty Baker's Dozen.
The 2024 Pantone Color of the Year.
Florida Dog.
A bad idea for an Invitational contest.

The last time The Invitational ran this contest, last November, it was unceremoniously yanked out from under us by The Washington Post -- in a still unexplained rush to be rid of the Invite so quickly that we never had a chance to run the results.

We are indomitable. We fear nothing. We carry on. For Week 33: Above are the new answers; you follow them with the funny questions. Please use this Jeopardy-ish format: For each entry, first type the answer as above, followed by your question, in one long line; in other words, don't push "Enter" between the answer and the question.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-33. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 26, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 31.

This week's winner gets a sloth tea infuser -- the cutest li'l sleepy-looking baby sloth that hangs over the rim of your teacup, basically peeing in the pool. Donated by Dave Prevar.

Slow Brew Sloth Tea Infuser
Clearly it could use a little more tea. This week's prize. (harryanddavid.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

The Rack Pack: New words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets
In Week 31 we once again asked you to coin your own words and phrases of six or seven letters from 33 old "racks" of the syndicated word game ScrabbleGrams. The Tile Invitational, we call it. Too many Losers to credit arranged EEMPRTU to TRUMPEE, variously described as a victim of scams, a victim of cruel policies, and toxic orange-tinged urine.

Third runner-up: ADHINPS > HIND SPA: A bidet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up: DEFIILM > DEMILF: To make your mother less attractive to your friends. "Mom, where's that bulky sweater with embroidered cats you look so good in?" (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: BEEGILL > LL BEIGE: The rap artist who wrote "Straight Outta Des Moines." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the bananaduck: AALMPSS > LAMP-ASS: What the cockroaches called the firefly. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ABHSTUW > HAW BUST: Honorable mentions
AAGILMY > MAGA-LY: "The current crop of Republican candidates try to present themselves as MAGA-ly as possible." (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

AAGILMY > GAYMAIL: Not sure what it is, but you definitely can't send or receive it in Florida. (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)

AALMPSS > A.M. SLAPS: An alarm clock for people who really have trouble waking up. No snooze button on this baby! (Tom Witte)

AALMPSS > ASS LAMP: What you need when you think maybe that's your elbow. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

AALMPSS > LAP MASS: The male package. "I dated Ralph for a while, but he was lacking in lap mass." (Tom Witte)

AALMPSS > ALMPASS: To surreptitiously move the collection plate along without adding to it. (Jeff Contompasis)

AALMPSS > ASL-SPAM: A novel way to annoy deaf people. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

AALMPSS > MAP LASS: The new Scots option on Siri. "Aye, Map Lass, find me the way to Gowkthrapple." (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

AAWHSND: WAND ASH: The unfortunate ending of "Harry Potter and the Attempt to Roast Marshmallows." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ABHSTUW > WHAT USB?: A question you never want to hear after your spouse has cleaned out your office. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ABILLNP > BALL-NIP: A disqualifying combo touch when playing Twister. (Jon Carter)

ACCILNO > COAL INC: The conscience of Joe Manchin. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

ACCILNO > LOIN AC: A string bikini. (Beverley Sharp)

ADDILMN > DAMNLID: One of the many in your cabinet that fit no known container in your kitchen, but you don't dare throw away in case you ever find their mates. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

ADEGMNU > UGMEND: To add something awful. "The cake would have tasted great if she hadn't ugmended it with fennel seeds." (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

ADEIMTY > DIET YAM: What can you serve along with Tofurky to ensure no one attends Thanksgiving at your house? (April Musser, Georgia)

ADHINPS > HADSNIP: Term for a neutered dog. "He's now a hadsnip, so he's happy to lie around the house even when the poodle across the street comes out." (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

ADHINPS > ANDSHIP: A polyamorous liaison. "My cousin Bob is married but also in a serious andship with a woman from the office." (Karen Lambert)

ADHINPS > NADSHIP: A fraternity. (Neil Kurland)

AENNRTT > RANT, TEN: Part A of a review of a diatribe. "Rudy's hair-dye-dripping news conference received a 'Rant, ten; looks, three' from the press." (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

AEUKLPM > PALM UKE: Instrument that Hawaiian teenage boys play instead of choking a chicken. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

AINOORT > TOON AIR: Unique weather condition in which the atmosphere can suspend a large animal over the ground right up to the moment when it foolishly looks down. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

AINRSTT > ARNTIST: Someone who's not exactly the second coming of Van Gogh: "My, your son's paintings are the work of a true arntist." (Frank Osen; Karen Lambert)

AINRSTT > TIN STAR: "What we should give to CAPTURED soldiers!" - D.J.T. (Steve Smith)

AMOOPRT > ARMPOOT: "Mom, look what Jimmy taught me today during recess!" (Sarah Walsh)

AUYDLRN > YALDUN: What a Southern waitress asks before clearing your table. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

BEEGILL > LE BILGE: What the wine snob deemed the chardonnay you served at dinner. (Jonathan Jensen)

BEEGILL > LIB GLEE: According to the GOP, the emotion experienced while grooming children, witch hunting, and destroying America. (Karen Lambert)

BEHINOP > HI. NOPE!: The world's shortest blind date. (Jonathan Jensen)

BEHINOP > HOPE BIN: The box of clothing where you put the clothes that you're sure will fit again next year. (Pam Sweeney)

BEHORTT > THORBET: The best-selling frozen treat in Barcelona. (Jon Carter)

BEHORTT > THROBE: Garment designed to discreetly cover swelling genitalia. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

CDEIISU > SUIDICE: A game whose goal is crapping out -- permanently. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

DEFIILM > DeMILF: A softcore schlock director. "With 'Roller Derby Nymphos,' Arturo officially became a Cecil B. DeMilf." (Frank Osen)

EGIMOST > SOGTIME: The period between combining milk with cereal and the latter turning to mush; with Rice Krispies, approximately 10 seconds. (Jeff Contompasis)

AOOPRTT > TOTO-RAP:
"You got the rains in Africa? I bless 'em
A hundred men or more could not repress 'em
So hear the drums, don't tell me my mind's narrow
I know the Serengeti ain't near Kilimanjaro." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

AOOPRTT > TOTO-RAP:
So proud to be my owner's pet
You mess wit' her, you might get wet
She'll melt your ass before she's through
So step off, witch, from her little dog too. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Because of a big ol' goof by the Empress, for about six hours after we posted this contest, the list of letter sets we offered was last year's. But that was just long enough for Janet Hlatky of Herndon, Va., to send in a whole list of entries, including this eminently inkworthy one: ABBMOST > BM BOAST: "Hello, Guinness Records? I've just made the biggest . . ." Janet earns a Fir Stink for her first ink.

The headline "The Rack Pack" is by Jesse Frankovich; "Q Cards," submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Nan Reiner, was the headline for the results of an earlier Ask Backwards contest. Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 19: Our Week 32 Limerixicon contest for limericks featuring words beginning "ho-." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-31.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:T:1551:(Kevin Dopart; Nan Reiner)
Add:H:1549:(Janet Hlatky)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1550, Published 08/10/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 32: Holy moly, it's Limerixicon XX
Write a limerick featuring a word beginning "ho-." Plus winning ideas for stupid reader polls.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 10, 2023

HSUS Horseplay - HumaneWatch
This spectacular image relates to the limerick contest you will encounter very shortly after the long-awaited, Pulitzer Prize-winning appearance of our latest Gene Pool Gene Poll, below.
POLL
Which restaurant chain has the finest plasticware?
Arby's
Wendy's
Checkers
McDonalds
Burger King
125 VOTES . 16 HOURS REMAINING

Hello. Today, as with all Thursdays, we devote all our attention to The Invitational, including the above idiot poll, which relates to the results of our Week 30 contest, about idiot polls, the results of which will be revealed below. Yes, it's stupid. Take it, anyway. Your consensus might be valid!

In the meantime, here is a limerick about horsemeat and horsemeat byproducts written years ago by Brendan Beary, and which introduces our new contest, which involves limericks featuring words beginning with, um, "ho."

A new horsemeat to-do! There's no telling
That it's clear what our vendors are selling --
Like the sandwich I'd bought
From a truck, when I thought
"Filly cheesesteak" was just a misspelling!

Ever since a Midwestern knife seller named Chris Strolin embarked in 2004 on his Grand Mission to create a Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which every meaning of every word would be represented by a limerick, The Invitational has popped up once a year to help round up some prime material, seeking limericks beginning with whichever sliver of the alphabet OEDILF.com was up to. (Current estimated completion date: Nov. 3, 2063; current number of limericks: past 119,000.)

Now it's our 20th year of our Limerixicon -- conveniently labeled XX -- but our first in which we're no longer constrained by the proprieties of a Major Metropolitan Daily Newspaper, and thus free to celebrate the limerick's traditionally bawdy content. Last August, Chris was up to the "hi-" words, and now we inch forward.

For Week 32: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name, or term beginning with "ho-," as in the example above from an earlier Invitational contest.

While we may be freer with the subject matter (though we're certainly not requiring off-color material), we're still as strict as always about the limerick form: "perfect" rhyme; a strong "hickory-dickory-dock" rhythm within Lines 1, 2, and 5; a "dickory-dock" in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Say the example above with exaggerated accents, and you'll get the hickory-thing.
For more guidance, you can read the Empress's 2022 primer "Get Your 'Rick Rolling" (just remember that the dates, etc., refer to last year). Or just absorb the classic ink from past Invites by going to the Losers' Master Contest List, searching on "limerick," and clicking on the far-right column.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-32. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. No special formatting needed this week; just write them as five-line poems and we'll make them look nice. See OEDILF.com about submitting limericks there, if you like, after our contest results run on Aug. 24.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 19, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 24.

This week's winner gets TWO Bigfoot-motif car air fresheners, which smell precisely, truly uncannily like Bigfoot. There are two because in May, totally independently, Dave Prevar and Jeff Contompasis each arrived at the Flushies, the Losers' annual award picnic, and presented us with one of these olfactory wonders.


Hopefully, it doesn't smell like big feet: Half of this week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Faux Questions Asked: Stupid polls from Week 30
In Week 30 we asked for "a really stupid online poll for a general-interest news site." Some of the entries made direct, cruel references to what an idiotic contest this was, which, frankly, hurt our feelings, at least to the extent that we have feelings. Without defensiveness, we have to say we like the results, as weird as they are.

Third runner-up: Who was our finest Under Secretary of Commerce?
a. Cornelius Vanderbilt Whitney
b. Wayne Chatfield-Taylor
c. Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr.
d. Luther H. Hodges Jr.
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Second runner-up: When putting on shoes and socks, in which order do you do it?
a. Sock, sock, shoe, shoe
b. Sock, shoe, sock, shoe
c. I never wear socks.
d. I never wear shoes.
e. Shoe, shoe, sock, sock
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up: Thank you for registering a new account with Facebook. How did you hear about us?
a. My children
b. My grandchildren
c. My great-grandchildren
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the pen you can play blackjack on -- plus a Fir Stink:
When giving random responses to a survey, which ONE answer are you likely to give?
a. D
b. C
c. A
d. B
(Dan Sachs, Pineville, N.C., who is a rarity: a First Offender and winner)

None of the Above: Honorable mentions
Which fast-food double bacon cheeseburger would you prefer?
a. One that meets 98 percent of your daily calorie needs
b. One that meets 99 percent of your daily calorie needs
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What is your favorite way to create a secure password?
a. Wedding anniversary
b. Name of pet
c. Child's birthday
d. High school mascot
e. Other (please specify): _______
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

What is your dream vacation spot in Europe?
a. Hafnarfjardarkaupstadur
b. Bolungarvikurkaupstadur
c. Svalbardsstrandarhreppur
d. Dublin
(Jesse Rifkin)

Where do you prefer scooter renters to abandon their rides?
a. In the middle of the sidewalk
b. On someone's lawn
(Leif Picoult)

The movie Oppenheimer would have been improved *
a. If the title character had ridden on the bomb a la Dr. Strangelove.
b. If there were more BRRRAAAAAM sound effects.
c. If everything were pink.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

When you sort your socks after a wash, do you place them heel down or heel up?
a. Heel down
b. Heel up
c. It's random.
d. All my socks are identical, so I have no need to sort them.
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Whom would you rather sleep in the same bed with?:
a. A dog with fleas
b. A cat with mange
c. A spouse with fleas and mange
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How much weight do you need to lose?
a. 5 pounds
b. 10 pounds
c. More than 240 pounds
(Beverley Sharp)

Besides "Macarena," what is your favorite song by Los Del Rio?
a. "El Sueno de la Marisma"
b. "Aqui Me Tienes Rocio"
c. "Que Bonita Esta la Feria"
(Jesse Rifkin)

If you had to choose one in a social situation, which would you rather have?
a. A random hair sticking out of your nose
b. A random hair sticking out of your ear
(Leif Picoult)

Women, who is your favorite member of the Three Stooges?
a. Curly
b. Larry
c. Moe
d. I can't pick one -- they're all so great!
(Jesse Rifkin)

Which restaurant chain has the finest plasticware?
a. Arby's
b. Wendy's
c. Checkers
d. McDonald's
e. Burger King
(Leif Picoult)

What should the status of Pluto be?
a. Dwarf planet
b. Ninth planet of the solar system with all accompanying rights and privileges
c. Planet-like celestial object unfazed by judgments and titles assigned by Earth-bound astronomers who have never even visited
d. Dog companion--but a pet, not an equal like Goofy
(Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Which 1960s-era mustache do you think gets more food stuck in it?
a. Handlebar
b. Walrus
c. Van Dyke
d. Fu Manchu
(Leif Picoult)

When you accidentally step barefoot on a Lego piece, what do you say?
a. "Son of a bitch!"
b. "Damn it all to hell!"
c. "Fuuuuuuuck!"
(Leif Picoult)

Which is the most entertaining relationship in a daily comic strip?
a. The subtle socioeconomic debates of Barney and Clyde
b. Hagar and Helga's classic take on the familial pressures created by Viking marauding and debauchery
c. The brutal working-class violence unleashed on Andy Capp by wife Flo
d. The sexually charged repartee of Nancy and Sluggo
(Jon Carter)

How long is a piece of string?
a. Twice the distance from the middle to the end
b. 3
c. I HAVE THE BEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL STRINGS, UNLIKE THOSE CRAZY CORRUPT STRINGLESS PROSECUTORS.
(Duncan Stevens)

Which of these claims from Marjorie Taylor Greene do you most agree with?
a. A Rothschilds-sponsored satellite started wildfires in California.
b. Georgia Sasquatches are taller and more Christian than those in the liberal Northwest.
c. The Lizard People controlling the economy should raise interest rates a quarter point but keep White Claw under $10 a six-pack.
(Jon Carter)

When clipping your toenails, do you start with your dominant foot or the other one?
a. Dominant foot
b. Other foot
c. I don't have a dominant foot.
d. I don't have feet.
(Tom Witte)

If you stay in a hotel room that has a houseplant in it, do you water it?
a. No, that's not my job
b. Yes, if it is in need of water
c. Yes, I water it with my own urine, which is a natural fertilizer.
(Tom Witte)

Choose the sentence below that's closest to your own views:
a. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
b. Ernst Haeckel's biogenetic law vastly oversimplifies embryology and understates the significance of genetic frameworks and mutations in his insistence that zygotic development parallels evolutionary relationships between taxonomic groups.
(Duncan Stevens)

Do you lie to your dentist about how often you floss?
a. Yes
b. No, but I'm lying to you now
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

How should the Supreme Court be adjusted?
a. Increase number of justices to 11, 13, or maybe even 29.
b. Impose mandatory retirement at 80, earlier if they can no longer find way out of their robes.
c. Bring back those long white wigs.
d. Set limits of $10K per occasion, $100K for the year, for bribes from any one source.
(Jon Carter)

Cats or dogs?
a. Cats
b. Dogs
c. I'll stick with the traditional beef and pork.
(Gary Crockett)

And Last: Should I cynically attempt to get ink by exploiting, for the third time, the Empress's fondness for Bob Dylan?
a. The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
b. You're an idiot, babe; it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe
c. When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
d. She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all
(Greg A. Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)

The headline "Faux Questions Asked" is by Chris Doyle: both Chris and Tim Livengood submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 12: Our Week 31 contest for new words formed by seven-letter ScrabbleGrams "racks." Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-31.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Brendan Beary)
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Tim Livengood)
Prize: (Dave Prevar; Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1549, Published 08/03/2023
---------------------------------------------
Week 31: The Tile Invitational X
No, Elon hasn't bought us, yet. It's our 10th running of this coin-a-word game. Plus pangram sentences that leave 'quick brown fox' in the dust.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 3, 2023

LARDY 'UN: What Cletus is becoming now that the Hog Maw Buffet opened up down the street.

HAS WAND: Part of Harry Potter's Tinder profile.

MALPUKE: Dry heaves.

LE GLOB: Is it true that the French had a term of endearment for President Trump?

In other words, you are going to have to to make new words from ScrabbleGrams letter sets, which you'll see below.

Rack-Tile Dysfunction: ScrabbleGrams neologisms, Week 31
The Tile Invitational neologism contest carries on in its tenth iteration, a concept of Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis, who is also obsessive about the venerable only-in-print ScrabbleGrams word game, which appears daily in The Washington Post's comics pages, under "Blondie." Blondie herself, by the way, is 93 years old, but still very attractive.

Mr. Contompasis, or JefCon, as his legions of fans call him, regularly emails the Empress of The Invitational to point out that, for example, "I disagree with the 2/22 ScrabbleGrams solution." A much better anagram for OEAOSCB, he opined that day, would be "BOOCASE: Shelves containing the works of ghostwriters."

AT THIS ORANGE LINK THAT YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 33 letter sets, the four above from this past Tuesday's WaPo, the rest from the decades-old Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real word, but of course that's not the one we want. For Week 31: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples above. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6, but you may use each letter in the set only once. (So if there are two L's, you can use them both, but if there's just one L, you can't use it twice.) There's a good chance that another Loser will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sample sentence) can be what gets you the ink.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-31. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. Important: See the word list for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 12, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 17.

This week's winner gets a bananaduck.

Bananaduck. (temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Abcdaring: Pangram sentences from Week 29
In Week 29 we asked for zingier pangrams -- sentences that use all 26 letters of the alphabet -- than the hoary "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." A number of Losers offered takes on that very line: our favorites were The quick brown fox kvells over the gimpy junkyard shih tzu (Chris Doyle); Quick brown fox, revise jumping plan - the dog is no longer lazy! (Duncan Stevens); and in a bit of sublime minimalism, The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy god (Mark Asquino).

Third runner-up: "Jeez, if only I were an ex-slave!" the uniquely unskilled campaigner bellowed. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.),

Second runner-up: Boobies can be artificial, perky, juglike, or even X-rated, but blue-footed ones with quills may be the zaniest. (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

First runner-up: Crave a fun new joke?
Q: Why did the ex-Prez shun the new MAGA-Barbie doll?
A: Nothing to grab her by! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the ancient plush-cat cellphone cover: After cutting off his ear, Van Gogh examined himself in a mirror and joked, "That was a real doozy - I can wax only half eloquent, but at least I save fifty percent on Q-tips." (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Alphabeaten: Honorable mentions
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again, thanks to Cracker Jack, Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Smorz, and NesQuik. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Dolls for Liberty join movie boycott after ex-Prez questions whether Ken is transitioning. (Steve Smith)

Pop quiz: How do you find a just-divorced guy's billions? A: Ex marks the spot.* (Mark Raffman)

Acquitted of sex assault charges by a jury was manizer Kevin Spacey. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jury found Kevin Spacey, like ex-bigwig Trump, can squeeze crotches. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Ex-Prez sulks, wanting quick verdict from jury. Boo-hoo. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Ew, Zaxby's quick meal is just oven-fried gopher. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. -- our shortest inking entry this week, fitting all 26 letters into just 38 total)

Fla. bans most letters -- "can spell naughty words!" Alphabet's now just IKQVXZ. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Foxworthy: "Zip-tied live on 'Cops' in 'Q' PJs? You might be a redneck!" (Jon Carter)

I'm sesquipedalian, but look, so are my friends -- so nobody exclaims in jealous amazement when I whip out my huge vocabulary. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"It was a Donald and Stormy night" -- "Vixen and the Beast" is just quick, puffy sleaze. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

I'd be partying and dancing waltzes tonight, except people wave me off and yell, "Just quit, klutz!" (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

My boy got expelled from school -- with zero equivocation -- just for cursing! I told him that's fucked up. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

On the fifth day of Xmas my "true love" gave to me: Five onion rings! Four chicken wings, three French dips, two juicy subs, and a Double Quarter Pounder with cheez. (Mark Raffman)

Pickleball--aka "ping pong plus"--fazes exacting neighbors who enjoy mad-quiet living. (Leif Picoult)

Q: To be, or not? Just suffer crazy woes or mix it up and give life heck? (Jesse Frankovich)

The Florida governor's campaign would ban queer sex, history books, and jazz. (Gary Crockett)

The toy box held a Pez dispenser, five jacks, a card game, aquatic gear, a Barbie, and a dildo. What?!! (Kathy El-Assal)

The turkey's on the table; dinner's ready -- nix the stressing!
You pop back in the kitchen for the gravy and the dressing.
But just when you return, it seems there's been a canine theft:
The turkey's looking quirky 'cause the gizzard's all that's left.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas, Texas, Arizona, Jersey, Idaho, Mississippi, or Quebec anymore! (Gary Crockett)

Twitter vizier's lame remake, "X": Fuggedaboutit! Hey, just an idea: cater to Trumpers, try "Q." (Duncan Stevens)

When traveling, it's great to find a bathroom that is nice;
The extra-clever French dreamed up a quality device!
A zappy spray from their bidet will make you fresh and clean;
They're now all over Europe, so rejoice when you're a-peein'! (Beverley Sharp)

Zuckerberg may be a shanda for the goyim, but never question that Musk is an asshole who just prescribed himself Preparation X. (Sam Mertens)

And Last:
The judgy Czar and Empress seek
A quipful inbox every week. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: A man, a plan, a canal ... ugh, wrong wordplay! "Bvtzijxkfq!" Loser curses. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "ABCDaring" is by Dave Prevar; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline "Rack-Tile Dysfunction" is also by Jesse, from an earlier Tile Invitational contest.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 5: Our Week 30 contest for bad ideas for reader polls. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-30.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.

The word list for this week's contest:

AAGILMY
AALMPSS
ABHILTU
ABHSTUW
ABILLNP
ACCILNO
ADDILMN
ADEGMNU
ADEIMTY
ADHINPS
AENNRTT
AHNPPUY
AINOORT
AINRSTT
AIOPRTY
AMOOPRT
AOOPRTT
BEEGILL
BEGINSS
BEHINOP
BEHORTT
CDEIISU
DEERSVW
DEFIILM
DEIJORY
EEMPRTU
EENRTUV
EFGIRRU
EGIMOST
AUYDLRN
AAWHSND
AEUKLPM
EOULLBG

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jeff Contompasis)
Examples: ()
Title: (Dave Prevar; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1548, Published 07/27/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 30: Poll-ish Jokes
Come up with a ridiculous reader poll. Plus winning poems about glomerulonephritis and other spelling bee words.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 27, 2023

Here is today's Gene Pool Gene Poll !

POLL
Do you prefer twist ties or those cheap thin plastic slitted wafers, as a means to seal loaves of bread or whatever?
Twist ties
Slitted wafers
433 VOTES . 12 HOURS REMAINING
This week's Invitational contest was occasioned by desperation. Gene was trying to think of a Gene Poll to use for the next Gene Pool, and unfortunately came up with the one above, the poll you have just taken.

The new contest for Week 30: Come up with a really stupid online poll for a general interest news site. It can be stupid because it is trivial, like the bread-tie thing, or for any other reason. Here's another example, which we will mercifully not present as an actual take-at-home poll requiring your response:

In Civilization and Its Discontents, published in 1929 in German as Das Unbehagen in der Kultur, did Sigmund Freud mean to suggest that there are fundamental tensions between civilization and the individual, or was his thesis more of a psychoanalytical exploration of the urge to escape conformity?
A. Fundamental tensions
B. Escape conformity
C. Neither -- it's more about universal ennui.
D. The question is biased and intellectually unsound. I refuse to answer.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-30. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 5, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 10.

This week's winner gets a pen you can play blackjack on. Donated by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.


Another game in which you're likely to win nothing!
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Leave a comment

Jest for the Spell of It: Poems and jokes from Week 28
In Week 28 we once again invited our Loserbards to actually use -- in a funny poem, or even a joke -- any of the words from the later rounds of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee.

Third runner-up:
Poliorcetics, the art of conducting a siege:
Once upon a January, Trump incited, mad and scary,
Making many a rigged election claim that simply wasn't true--
While he ranted, hardly quiet, suddenly there came a riot;
Sadly he would not decry it, like a decent guy might do.
His followers tried poliorcetics, staging a revolting coup--
After all, he told them to.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Timorous, fearful:
As summertime approaches, we are often feeling timorous:
Will last year's swimsuit fit, or will there have to be a slimmer us?
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

First runner-up:
Sneeziness, wheeziness.
Bogart's been sick and has
Taken loratadine
Pills for the flu.
Flubbing his line despite
Pharmacological
Help, he says, "Ilsa, here's
Looking -- ACHOO!"
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Wicked Witch of the East over-the-knee socks:
Crore, ten million:
Six crore and five million years ago, God brought forth upon this planet
An asteroid dedicated to the proposition that dinosaurs no longer ran it.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Bee List: Honorable mentions
Ethnarch, leader of ethnic group or homogeneous people:
This ethnarch seeks once more to wear a crown,
Appeals to fear: his tribalistic fight.
Has little use for votes from black or brown--
Don rules for, and is blinded by, the white.
(Duncan Stevens, vacationing in Gloucester, Mass.)

Silentiary, one appointed to keep silence and order:
Librarian and silentiary, she frowned at every sound
That was too loud and quickly vowed to have it squelched.
Imagine then her horror when a rude noise most profound
Resounded on the main floor. Without warning, she had belched!
"Shh!!" said one and all, and to her deep mortification
Her buttocks then performed a swift but thunderous aeration.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Alexia, inability to perceive written words:
If you have alexia,
This poem oughta vexia. (Jesse Frankovich)

Hypovolemia, a decrease in blood circulation:
I went weak in the knees when I first saw your face.
I clumsily stumbled, besieged by your grace.
For weeks, I was dizzy, lost in a daze.
Unable to think, in an amorous haze.
The time slowly passed as I hungered and yearned.
Now, thanks to my doctor, there's much I have learned:
If you fall for a guy who is out of your league,
That may not be the source of your sudden fatigue.
Though you're sure you know why you seem pale and anemic,
You aren't in love. You're just hypovolemic.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

A joke:
How is the Washington Commanders organization like a lamprey?
You have to remove the head so they'll stop sucking. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Conversazione, a meeting for conversation:
A wiseguy conversazione
Over plates of cannelloni
Features capos swapping tales
Of icing hoods for their betrayals,
Offing rats on one-way rides,
And whacking grooms in front of brides.
The highlight's when Don Vito dishes
On who's next to sleep with the fishes.
(Chris Doyle)

Isolette, enclosed crib for a newborn:
My baby's in an isolette;
No germs or chilly drafts get through.
She hears no news of climate threat,
Or what the Donald plans to do.
It's quite a thing, this bassinet!
I often wish I had one too. (Duncan Stevens)

Pridian, referring to yesterday (or an earlier time)
After dealing with trials quite worthy of Job,
How perfect if you could just fly round the globe,
Crossing that line on a mapmaker's chart
Where night turns to day - you'd just get to "restart"!
One's pridian stresses would all dissipate --
But the baggage remains, parked right at the gate.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Pridian II
Are the films of John Hughes on the brink
Of oblivion? Certain folks think
That his '86 hit
Is so yesterday it
Should be listed as Pridian Pink.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Isogloss: a boundary line between regions that differ in a particular linguistic feature:
An isogloss marks where those odd people stop
Saying "soda" and properly ask for a pop. (Midwesterner Jesse Frankovich)

Chumble, to chew:
There's a story, I swear it's well founded,
Of a girl who was bright and well rounded,
But on lamp cords she'd chumble
Till to bits they would crumble,
And now she's been totally grounded.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

If George Seurat were now alive
And got online, I think it's plain
His pointillistic self would strive
To make dot.com his own domain. (Chris Doyle)

Furtum, theft:
The key to a deftly done furtum?
The owners: try not to alert 'em.
My old thief-pal Byron,
He triggered a siren--
And the dogs, well, they gulped-for-dessert him. (Duncan Stevens)

Anilox, a system of printing that transfers consistent amounts of ink
I went down to the deli for a Sunday morning nosh
And ordered up the special of the day;
Included was a bagel, when cut open it displayed
My name, imprinted. Blew my mind away!
I asked, "How did you print my name so neatly on the bread
That I found inside the daily special box?"
The deli man replied, "It is a skill as old as time:
I simply used the bagel anilox."
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Leguleian, a lawyer who bogs down in trivialities:
Said the plaintiff who got trounced in court to his attorney Sheehan:
"You only argued trial points; you're just a leguleian!
I now reject your crude demand that I should send my fee in --
I'm shocked, based on your work today, you have a pot to pee in."
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va., and yes, he's a lawyer)

Glomerulonephritis:
To simply say or write is
An awful pain, and yet it
Is even worse to get it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Opacate, to make opaque:
When famous folk in scandals face
A public they must placate,
They promise, "I can clarify!"
(Which means "I can opacate!")
(Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)

Officious, meddlesome, offering unwanted advice:
My neighbors are rude - they're officious
And their prying is downright pernicious.
They are bad to the bone
So I leave them alone
(Well, except when the gossip's delicious . . .) (Beverley Sharp)

Sacalait, a Louisiana fish (aka crappie)
On the bayou, we're fishin' today --
"Let the bons temps roulez!" we all say.
Caught another! So happy!
Who dat callin' it "crappie"?
Mon cher, it's un grand sacalait!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Cognoscente, expert in a certain field
Runway models just can't win
When every fashion cognoscente
Thinks a woman's not too thin
At six foot two, one hundred twenty. (Chris Doyle)

Monoxenous, living on a single host throughout a parasite's life:
Their son is thirty-five but still content to live at home.
"He'll find a job soon," Mother said. "I've faith in our Jerome."
"He's monoxenous. Our parasite will never leave," Dad said.
"But we should make him stop sleeping between us in our bed."
(Pam Shermeyer)

Novenary, a group of nine:
It's safer to crawl through machinery
And get chewed like Jack Nicholson's scenery,
Than to count on your rights
When they get in the sights
Of the current Supreme-type Novenary. (Duncan Stevens)

She walked into the bar and all the men began to gawk;
The room fell strangely silent then, and no one dared to talk.
A lusty lad approached her and he soon became besotted;
(He'd had a lot of schnapps, you see; quite frankly, he was potted.)
The hapless guy had failed to see -- he really was a dope --
The girl he found so sexy was a female lycanthrope.
(Beverley Sharp)

The headline "Jest for the Spell of It" is by Jesse Frankovich; both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 29: Our Week 29 contest for pangrams -- sentences that include all 26 letters of the alphabet. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-29. NEW: Check your pangram instantly to make sure it has all the letters at pangram.me/en.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


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Week 1547, Published 07/19/2023
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The Invitational Week 29: Alphabettering
Write a funny sentence containing all 26 letters. Plus winning ideas for best corporate Trump-pandering.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 19, 2023
pangram
The English language's most famous pangram. Now it's your chance to write a funnier, edgier one in this week's Invitational, below. (howstuffworks.com)
Hello! For the first time in the storied, seven-month history of The Gene Pool, The Invitational arrives on a Wednesday, instead of on a Thursday. We know what you are thinking: that only something huge and immovable, like Thanksgiving, should cause such a massive rescheduling of such an important element of American culture and national pride as The Gene Pool. Let's just say we have our reasons.

The Invitational Week 29: Mining Your P's and Q's
He's quickly devouring beans for extra tailwind in jump zone. (Seth Brown)

Zooey just loved a quickie before waxing her armpits. (John Hiles)

Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (Milo Sauer)

Klutzy carving-up by quack mohels "fixed" a Jew. (Chris Doyle)

Here's a contest that we did only once before -- twenty-one years ago. It's for a pangram, and we mean its original meaning, not the broader one now used in The New York Times's Spelling Bee and other word games: For Invitational Week 29: Write a humorous sentence (or very brief multiple sentences) that includes all 26 letters of the alphabet, as in those above from the only previous time we did this contest. There's not a maximum length, but obviously it's more clever to get your pangram into a shorter sentence than a long, padded one. But more important, the sentence should be easy to read and should sound like actual English. And don't forget the funny.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-29. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, July 29, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 3.


This week's winner gets a furry little piece of recent American history. It is a plush, machine-washable "Puss Puss Bar Style Cell Phone Cover" -- a relic of a bygone era, possibly from roughly 2006, a time when we apparently thought cellphones were adorable and should be bulky, dangling from your belt (there is a clip) and look like a deformed, footless Winnie-the-Pooh. There is also a hole for an antenna. Puss Puss looks very sad, and his or her eyes are closed. He or she is possibly even deceased. Also, the fur apparently will cover the keypad, an apparent flaw that the manufacturers do not explain or otherwise deal with. According to the attached display card, this is the "1st company to bring Cutting-edge plush technology to Cell Phones, TV Remote Controls, and even staplers." This fine prize was donated to the Invitational by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.


Let's Go Brandin': Corporate Trumpist-pandering from Week 27
In Week 27 we wondered to what depths companies, organizations, etc., would go were they to be as cravenly pandering to the MAGA cult as most of the GOP continues to be. How might they adjust their products and messages to appeal to the desires, prejudices, ferocities, and ignorances of Trump and his aptly named "base"?

Third runner-up: Impossible Foods unveils a "broccoli," which is actually made of beef. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: Discovery Networks replaces all home improvement shows with home eviction shows. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

First runner-up: The Washington baseball team is renamed the Nationalists. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And the winner of the U.S. military reprint "The Al-Qaeda Training Manual": Southern states must pay reparations to the descendants of enslavers because they may have been traumatized by being told that slavery is bad. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Base Medals: Honorable mentions
Mattel announces its biggest doll ever: Barvanka. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Yale changes its slogan from "Lux et Veritas" to "A Lot of People Are Saying." (Jesse Rifkin)

McDonald's introduces its new "Point 'n' Grunt" menu. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Sex toy shops sell chastity belts under the sign "Lock her up! Lock her up!" (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Augusta National Golf Course sells burial plots. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Linens 'n Things sells sheets with pre-cut eye holes. (David Kleinbard)

Bergdorf Goodman soundproofs its fitting rooms. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

New golf carts are fitted out with gun racks. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Workout gyms provide golf carts to go from station to station. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Random House prints books on perforated paper to make it easier to remove offending pages. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The American Medical Association announces that 239 pounds is the ideal weight for men and for women it would be 105 pounds. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Callaway issues a Baby Seal line of clubs. (David Kleinbard)

Duraflame offers book-shaped logs. (Kevin Dopart)

Hallmark debuts a line of thoughts-and-prayers greeting cards for mass shootings. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Heinz: EZ-Clean Ketchup. Won't stain your walls. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Home Depot offers a deluxe line of bathroom file cabinets. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Reynolds Wrap would tweet, "Don't stop at tinfoil hats -- we offer full-body protection!" (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Smith & Wesson opens a shooting range on Fifth Avenue. (Chris Doyle)

Smokey Bear's shovel is replaced with a rake. (Kevin Dopart)

Starbucks offers drinks in Large, Medium, and Small instead of those foreign sizes. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

The National Enquirer runs a copycat of Wordle in which three of the letters are already filled in. (David Kleinbard)

The next Muppet Movie replaces Kermit with Pepe. (Kevin Dopart)

The South Fork Coal Co. has a new slogan for its proposed mine in Virginia: "Take Advantage of the Great Outdoors." (Diana Oertel)

The VFW offers a preferred membership rate for people who weren't captured. (Kevin Dopart)

The Westminster Kennel Club holds an annual dogfighting competition. (Kevin Dopart)

Victoria's Secret adds a "Garb Them by the Pussy" line of lingerie. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

McDonald's brings back its clown mascot, renaming it Donald McDonald and changing its hair from red to orange. (Lee Graham; Michael Stein)

CVS offers deep-fried statins. (Kevin Dopart)

Stadiums ensure that everyone stands for the national anthem by electrifying the seats to deliver jolts at designated moments. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline "Let's Go Brandin' " is by Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 22: Our Week 28 contest for short poems or jokes using a word from this year's National Spelling Bee. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-28.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


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---------------------------------------------
Week 1546, Published 07/13/2023
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The Invitational Week 28: Put It in Bee-verse
Write a funny poem using a spelling bee word. Plus compare/contrast winners.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 13, 2023

How is a tiny Shriner motorcycle like Mike Pence's presidential campaign? See today's Invitational results below. (Big Dave Diode/Flickr)
Hello. Today the Gene Pool quenches your thirst for a new Invitational humor contest, Week 28, and delivers the results of Week 26. But first, as is our annoying tradition, we begin with an irrelevant Gene Pool Gene Poll. Here it comes.

The Invitational Week 28: Could You Put That in a Poem, Please?
It's something that one's been obliged to bestow.
The word, Latin-rooted, is oblatio.
It should be for a thing one might legally owe,
Not, say, for the act of fellatio.

The current Webster's Third International Dictionary, the 121/2-pound unabridged print version, boasts more than 470,000 entries, from a to zyzzogeton. And in its ever more daunting struggle to trip up its astonishing tweens, this year's National Spelling Bee delved into that volume's most obscure recesses. Let's play with them.

In this week's Invitational contest, Week 28: Write a humorous poem or tell a short joke (e.g., a riddle) using any word from Round 4 or later in the 2023 Scripps National Spelling Bee. The real meaning of the word should be clear, from context alone or by definition, as in the Czar's example above -- one we're pretty sure will never be included in the Bee study packet. The Bee's website doesn't supply the meanings, but you can find them at m-w.com or by Googling, or just choose a word from the sample list below with oversimplified meanings (but links to the actual listings).

- You may use a slightly different form of the word (e.g., plural, past tense).
- Be sure to use the correct spelling of the word, which appears on the list to the left of however the kid spelled it in competition, correctly or not.

A few words from the lists (but choose from dozens more here in Rounds 4 through 15:
Psammophile (silent P): An organism that prefers or thrives in sandy soils or areas (this year's final word).

Chumble: To gnaw or chew.

Ovination: Vaccination against sheep-pox by introducing sheep-pox to the body

Querken: To choke someone

Pridian (pri-DEE-an): Relating to yesterday or a previous day; former

Cnemis (nee-mis): tibia; plural is cnemides

Oblatio (o-BLAY-shee-oh): A payment for something that is owed

Leguleian: (leg-yu-LEE-an) [definition from a legal glossary] A type of lawyer who is known for being petty and argumentative. They often focus on small details and technicalities rather than the bigger picture.

Sorge (SOAR-guh): Concern, care bordering on anxiety (German for worry)

Aegagrus (ee-GAG-rus): Another name for a bezoar, a hard mass that can form in the intestine and once thought to have magical properties

Rommack (ROMMick): To play boisterously, to romp

Haysel (HAY-s'l): The haying season

Eukinetics (YOU-kinetics): The science of well-controlled body movement, such as dancing (takes a singular verb)

Ebau*choir (Ayy-bo-shwar): A chisel used for rough-hewing sculpture, as for a clay model

Nudicaul (nude-i-call): Having leafless stems

Opacate (either o-PAY-cate or O-pa-cate): To make opaque

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-28. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. As with all our poetry/song contests, we make an exception to the one-line-per-entry rule: Just format the poems as they ought to look on the page. If you have multiple entries, it wouldn't hurt to add a line of *** or --- or <><><><><><> etc. between the poems, since sometimes white space disappears on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, July 22, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 27.

This week's winner receives a high-quality pair of striped Wicked Witch of the East over-the-knee socks, complete with "ruby slippers" as the feet. You can reenact the scene from The Wizard of Oz: Just put on the socks and lie on your back, and put a house on top of yourself. Donated by Universal Donor Dave Prevar.

Wicked Witch Socks product image 1 of 1 slide
This week's really most sincerely first prize. (sockysock.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of TEN nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Leave a comment

As You Liken It: Winning comparisons from Week 26
In Week 26 we continued our tradition of posting a list of random noun phrases and asking how any two were alike, different, or otherwise linked. A good one offered up by too many Losers: Dryer lint differs from Mike Pence's presidential campaign in that only one might catch fire.

Third runner-up: The difference between Handel's Messiah and Mike Pence's presidential campaign: In the first, the hallelujahs are transcending; in the other, they're trans-ending. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: The difference between a bathroom chandelier and Handel's Messiah: Messiah only lasts through fifty-three movements. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up: A visit to Antarctica: "Oh man, breathe cold air!" A bathroom chandelier: An anagram of that. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the sandwich bags that look as if they're infested with mold and roaches: The similarity between a tiny Shriner motorcycle and Mike Pence's presidential campaign: One is in danger of being squashed by a fat man in a silly red hat, and the other is ridden by a Shriner. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Tiddly Links: Honorable mentions
A tiny Shriner motorcycle and Pence's campaign: Both are absurd, but it's unlikely that the wheels will soon come off the motorcycle. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

A bathroom chandelier and love handles: Even when they're in plain sight, Trump will deny he has either. (Jon Carter)

A bathroom chandelier: Tastelessness. Love handles: Waistlessness. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

A bathroom chandelier and Pence's campaign: If you ask a January 6 Trumpite, each offers something worth hanging. (Kevin Dopart)

A box of chocolates: Nougats. Pence's campaign: No guts. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

A box of chocolates: Russell Stover. The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac: Rust all over. (Chris Doyle)

A box of chocolates is like a tiny Shriner motorcycle: Both give you crushed nuts. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

A box of chocolates: Sampler. Love handles: Ampler. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

An AI love letter and a palindrome: The letter might begin, "Sore was I ere I saw Eros." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

An AI love letter and Pence's campaign: They will both test the communication skills of a robot. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Jon Carter)

A palindrome and Pence's campaign: "Stiff" fits. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

* Or: "Dud." (Jesse Frankovich)

A palindrome vs. a silent fart: "A Butt tuba" can be just one of these. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.; Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.; Duncan Stevens)

* Not to mention: Only one can be "a toot." (Neil Kurland)

Love handles and a palindrome: Fat AF. (Jesse Frankovich)

A visit to Antarctica and a silent fart: Both are going to be a lot more tolerable if you have thick underwear. (Jon Carter)

A visit to Antarctica and the Pence campaign: Both are good activities if you don't like crowds. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A visit to Antarctica may originate in Chile, whereas a silent fart may originate in chili. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Both a bathroom chandelier and Pence's campaign shed light on Donald Trump's crap. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Chat GPT 23 and the front bumper of a '55 Cadillac: Both will be viewed as quaint relics in 2024. (Mark Raffman)

Handel's Messiah: Christ the Lord. Love handles: Christ, the lard! (Jesse Frankovich)

Love handles: Where you put your palms on a really good date. The space between your eyebrows: Where you put your palms on a really bad date. (Jesse Frankovich)

Love handles and Pence's campaign: Only one is associated with the word "hip." (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Pence's campaign: Asking for a job. Chat GPT 23: Axing your job. (Kevin Dopart)

Pence's campaign and dryer lint: Someone with talent could mold the lint into something appealing. (Kevin Dopart)

The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac and a silent fart: Both sometimes precede skid marks. (Steve Geist; Jon Carter)

The space between the eyebrows and love handles: When you talk to women, it's better to look at the first than the second. Trust me on this. (Chris Doyle)

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light" is part of Messiah, but Handel probably wasn't thinking of a bathroom chandelier. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "As You Liken It" is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 8: Our Week 27 contest to say how a particular company or organization might pander to the MAGA crowd. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-27.

Live streaming for Elden Carnahan's memorial service
If you can't make it to Saturday's memorial service for Father of Loserdom Elden Carnahan (more about him here), you should be able to see a live stream on YouTube at this link or at bit.ly/eldenservice. The service begins Saturday, July 15, at 2 p.m. at Laurel Presbyterian Church, 7610 Old Sandy Spring Rd., Laurel, Md.

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Week 1545, Published 07/06/2023
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The Invitational Week 27: Their Base Behavior
How might companies pander to T's mob? Plus neologism winners.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
JUL 6, 2023
Joseph Chamberlain MP.png
Where do you buy a monocle? At the foptician, of course. It's among the dozens of of F-word neologism winners below in this week's Invitational results. (Pictured: British statesman Joseph Chamberlain, father of Neville, via Wikipedia)

And now, The Invitational, Week 27: We Go Low
"Jeopardy!" would include a swimsuit competition.

John Deere could introduce a special bird-killing windmill for farmers.

Sharpie would issue a line of map-correction markers.

This week's contest is based on a political phenomenon squatting all around us like warty gargoyles. Many Republican politicians seem to be convinced that their futures remain tied to Donald Trump; that, despite his vileness, crudeness, ineptitude, illegalities, fecklessness, recklessness, squamousness, pettiness, venality, licentiousness, sebaceous personal preferences and pecadilloes, and bizarre notions about how the world works, they must not only not disavow him, but must even praise and emulate him, to hang on to his "base." The whole thing has been almost entertaining to watch; they're like parents making excuses for why it's okay that little Billy eats bugs and pigeon poop off the sidewalk. Perhaps it's only a matter of time before other organizations -- businesses and other entities worldwide -- take the same rusty tack Trumpward.

For Week 27: Tell humorously how some business or organization could alter its product or message to appeal to Trump's cult, as in the examples above.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-27. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she and the Czar are choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 15, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 20.

This week's winner receives The Al-Qaeda Training Manual -- yes, that's exactly what it is. The 175-page English-language handbook, whose eighteen chapters offer instruction for terrorists-in-training -- ranging from assassination methods to advice not to get parking tickets -- was found in 2000 by British investigators in Manchester, England, and published in 2006 by the U.S. Air Force Counterproliferation Center and picked up at a conference by Loser Jeff Contompasis, who stresses that it is an unclassified document.


One in the U.S. military's nifty series of how-to books.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of TEN nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

F'ing Hilarious: Winning neologisms from Week 25
In Week 25 we honored Loser Jesse Frankovich's 1,000th blot of Invite ink with the traditional honor of Do Our Work for Us: Mr. F got a chance to guest-judge the Invitational contest of his choice. Which was to change a word or phrase by adding one or more F's, and/or substituting F's for other letters.

We sent the Merry Frankster the 733 neologism entries sorted alphabetically and totally anonymous; he's finding out just now, along with you all, who wrote what. Jesse prefaced his choices with this note:

Dear Empress:
Thank you for facilitating the fun-filled function of finding the funny fraction of fresh F-words. First, the flood of foolishness fell to a fairly feasible flock of favorites. Fighting fatigue, I filtered the fringe (with feedback from my fabulous fiancee) before fixing on the featured field of forty-five. Finally, I flagged the four I fancied as the finest.

Fondly,
Jesse

Third runner-up: Suffer solstice: What heralds three months of sweltering in Texas. (Chris Doyle, Denton, yup, Tex.)

Second runner-up: FOMO sapiens: Ancient hominid that went extinct from jealousy, convinced that all the other hominids were having more fun. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: Faker's dozen: Eleven. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the collection of Jesse Frankovich's first 500 inking Invitational entries: Feline Dion: Pop diva who topped the charts with "It's All Coming Back to Meow." (Chris Doyle)

Please upgrade your subscription from "free" to paid. It's ridiculously inexpensive. And we will love you unconditionally, despite your lamentable choice of online entertainment.


Subscribed

F-bombs: Honorable mentions
Fintimidated: Afraid to get in the ocean. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Fuddhist: One who is philosophically opposed to the killing of any living being, except a wabbit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Ad-fib: Trump's typical response to being put on the spot. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Baffleground: The site of a MAGA rally. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Barftender: That true friend who holds your hair back while you're puking into the toilet. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Carf: What the motion-sick kid riding in the back seat is gonna do. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Carfooling: Driving in an HOV lane with an inflatable doll. (Chris Doyle)

Cupfakes: Padded bras. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Effiquette: Making sure to send a text the next day. (Duncan Stevens)

Fantiques: The Donny Osmond notebook and Partridge Family lunchbox you found in the attic. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Farceny: Stealing somebody else's joke. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Fatatonic: How Uncle John looks when he's staring at the game after three helpings of Thanksgiving turkey. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Fatisfaction: The feeling you get after eating a pint of Haagen-Dazs. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

Fellow journalism: Petulant backlash against the #MeToo movement. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Fender reveal: A gathering to show off your new car. (Jonathan Jensen)

Festiges: The ticket stubs and booze bottles littering the Lollapalooza grounds on Monday morning. (Pam Shermeyer)

Fetamorphosis: How sheep's milk becomes cheese. (Tom Witte)

Fidolizing: Adoring your dog above all other beings. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flabrador: A dog that's been "treated" too well. (Beverley Sharp)

Flagfellation: Extreme patriotism. (Tom Witte)

Flaptop: The attire required for a wardrobe malfunction. (Beverley Sharp)

Flubricated: Full of tea and chicken soup. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flue ribbon: First prize in a chimney sweep competition. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Foblivious: Unaware that your car keys were in your purse the whole time. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Footstraps: What we have to pull ourselves up by, now that we can't afford boots. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foptician: Where you go for a prescription monocle. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foreflay: How a dominatrix gets clients warmed up. (Chris Doyle)

Foxygen: Air that is used to fan the flames of conspiracy theories. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Freefer: They're giving out samples at the dispensary!* (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Furchin: A guy who forgot to shave. (Beverley Sharp)

Fuxtaposition: An arrangement of bodies only seen in adult entertainment. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Harpoof: It's guaranteed to make the white whale disappear. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Ku Klux Flan: A custard that only uses the whites of the eggs. (Jonathan Jensen)

LendingFree: A short-lived online loan service. (Chris Doyle)

Nufftials: Divorce proceedings. (Neil Kurland)

Rene Desfartes: "I stink, therefore I am." (Jonathan Jensen)

Surfeptitious: What you need to be when browsing the Internet on your phone during a staff meeting. (Pam Sweeney)

Text fessage: An admission someone was too cowardly to make in person. (Michael Stein)

Underfear: Anxiety about what your short skirt might be revealing. (Jonathan Jensen)

Failiwick: Someone's weakness. "She can name horses, but song parodies are her failiwick." (Pam Shermeyer)

And Last: Follygag: Any of the 653 entries that missed Jesse's first cut. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline "F'ing Hilarious" is by Tom Witte; William Kennard, Sam Mertens, Kevin Dopart, and Chris Doyle all came up with the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 8: Our Week 26 contest to say how any two items on our wacky list are similar or different. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-26.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (William Kennard; Sam Mertins; Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1544, Published 06/29/2023
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The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference
Our famous compare/contrast contest. Plus 'Finger Lickin' Goo' and other altered slogans.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 29, 2023
1955 CADILLAC SERIES 62 Poster image 1
"The front bumper of a 1955 Cadillac," one item on our random list for the Week 26 contest. (Poster listed on Etsy)

The Invitational Week 26: Same Difference, or Crack a Simile
A visit to Antarctica vs. Mike Pence's presidential campaign: They're both white wastelands, but only the first is likely to yield evidence of heating up.

A bathroom chandelier
A box of chocolates
A tiny Shriner motorcycle
A visit to Antarctica
Chat GPT 23
Handel's Messiah
Love handles
Mike Pence's presidential campaign
A palindrome
The space between your eyebrows
Dryer lint
The front bumper of a '55 Cadillac
A silent fart
An AI love letter

It would help to be a skilled conspiracy theorist, but even if your tinfoil beret is at the cleaners, you still ought to give a try this week to discover some hidden links in our annual-ish random list of noun phrases.

For Week 26, tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike, different, or otherwise linked, as in the example above; the items were chosen by the Czar from among hundreds of random noun phrases offered up by the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. If you're not familiar with our Same Difference contest (or just want some more laffs), see last year's results here.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-26. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There's no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don't push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she's choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 8, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 13.

This week's winner receives a four-pack of "Gross Sandwich Bags" that are supposed to scare off office-refrigerator thieves with pictures of moldy slices of bread with roaches crawling on them. The package helpfully translates it into French: "Sacs a sandwich degoutantes." Donated by Dave Prevar.


How to sneak your caviar snack into the office without having to share.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

Ad-jestments: Altered product slogans from Week 24
In Week 24 we asked you to slightly change a slogan or tagline of a product or organization and use the result for a different one. Among the 750 entries, too many people to credit individually offered Cialis: The Quicker Pecker-Upper; transformed Subway's "Eat Fresh" to Arby's: Eat Flesh; suggested the Pornhub slogan Got MILF?; or repurposed the Army exhortation to Pee All That You Can Pee: Flomax.

Yup, this is another set of entries that would have been pulverized by The Post's taste police.

Third runner-up:
Calvin Klein: Between Love and Madness Lies Obsession
American Psychiatric Association: Between Love and Madness Lies a Session (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Look, Ma, No Cavities! Crest.
Look, Pa, Three Cavities! Pornhub. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
Subaru: Confidence in Motion
ExxonMobil: Confidence in Manchin (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the crab hat with claws and googly eyes:
Miller High Life: The Champagne of Beers
Andre: The Beer of Champagnes (Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va., in his first blot of Invite ink since 2016)

Plops and Fizzes: Honorable mentions
Built to Last: Ford
Guilt to Last: The Catholic Church (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Mountain Dew: Do the Dew
Grindr: Do the Dude (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Proud as a Peacock: NBC
Loud as a Peacock: MSNBC (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Pam cooking spray: Pam Helps You Pull It Off
Chaturbate.com: 'Pam, Help Me Pull It Off!' (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Reach Out and Touch Someone: AT&T
Reach Out and Touche Someone: U.S. Fencing Association (Jesse Frankovich)

U.S. Coast Guard: Semper Paratus
Adam & Eve Adult Toys: Some Apparatus! (Tom Witte)

De Beers: A Diamond Is Forever
Convent of the Sacred Heart: A Hymen Is Forever (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Adidas: The Brand with the Three Stripes
Saucony: The Brand with the .. hmm* Three Circles Inside a Thingamajig (Jon Carter)

Lucky Charms: They're magically delicious!
Trump 2024: We're MAGAly seditious! (Kevin Dopart)

ADT security: Always There
Grammarly: Sometimes 'There,' Sometimes 'Their,' Sometimes 'They're' (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

America Runs on Dunkin: Dunkin
America Runs on Bumpkin: CPAC (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Arby's: We Have the Meats!
Credit Suisse Private Banking: We Meet the Haves! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Dairy Management trade group: Behold the Power of Cheese
Kraft boxed dinners: Behold the Powder of Cheese (Chris Doyle)

Belong Anywhere: Airbnb
Be Long Anywhere: Viagra (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Jeff Contompasis)

You're in Good Hands: Allstate
Hand In Your Goods: The IRS (Tom Witte)

American Express: Don't Leave Home Without It
Zoom: Don't Leave Home (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.; Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Every Kiss Begins with Kay: Kay Jewelers
Every Kiss Begins with ' 'Kay?' National Sexual Violence Resource Center (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Karen Lambert)
Every Kid Begins with K: "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

KFC: Finger Lickin' Good
Cinnabon: Finger Lickin' Goo (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeff Contompasis)

Nike: Just Do It
Ex-Lax: Just Do-do It (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)
Trojan: Just Do 'It' (Tom Witte)
American Judges Association: Just? Do It. (Duncan Stevens)
Microsoft Training: Just Do IT (Jeff Contompasis)

Frosted Flakes: They're grrrrrreat!
Southern Baptist Convention: They're strrrrrraight! (April Musser, Georgia)

Lay's: Betcha Can't Eat Just One
Mustang Ranch: Betcha Can't Lay Just One (Jon Ketzner)

California Milk Processor Board: Got Milk?
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: Got Milked? (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.) Ancestry.com: Got Ilk? (Tom Witte)

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty!: Liberty Mutual
Puberty, Puberty, Puberty, Puberty! : Clearasil (Jeff Contompasis)

Burger King: Home of the Whopper
Mar-a-Lago: Home of the Whoppers (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
FIFA World Cup: Home of the Floppers (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Outback Steakhouse: No Rules, Just Right
The State of Texas: No Rights, Just Rules (Mark Raffman)

St. Pauli Girl Beer: You Never Forget Your First Girl
Boone's Farm Wine: You Never Forget Your First Hurl (Jon Carter)

Stronger Than Dirt: Ajax
Older Than Dirt: The Rolling Stones (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Levi's: Quality Never Goes Out of Style
National Organization for Women: Equality Never Goes Out of Style (Jeff Contompasis)
Costco: Quantity Never Goes Out of Style (Jesse Frankovich)

Apple: Think Different
The GOP: Think Deferent (Karen Lambert)
National Council of Teachers of English: Think Differently (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; Dave Airozo)

You Deserve a Break Today: McDonald's
You deserve a Beak Today: KFC (Neil Kurland)

And Last: Leave the Driving to Us: Greyhound
Leave the Drivel to Us: The Invitational (Tom Witte)

The headline "Ad-jest-ments" is by Jesse Frankovich; "Crack a Simile" is by Bill Dorner from an earlier Same Difference contest; Jon Carter wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 1: Our Week 25 neologism contest. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-25.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner)
Subhead: (Jon Carter)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1543, Published 06/22/2023
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The Invitational Week 25: F Things Up
A neologism contest. Plus winning fake trivia about climate and weather.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 22, 2023

(Photo from BoredPanda.com)
FOODWINKED! This week's Invitational contest: Change a word by adding, deleting, or substituting one or more F's, in honor of Jesse Frankovich's 1,000th blot of ink. See below.

Hi, everyone: It's Pat, still. It seems the hospital people decided to keep Gene another couple of days and check out a few other nuts and bolts while he's up on the lift, and so I'm afraid that the hilarious medical anecdotes that you sent in on the "Got a question" form are still awaiting Gene's "Well, if you think that's something" responses. Gene will get to them as soon as he can -- next Tuesday or, he hopes, in a special Gene Pool post before that. Meanwhile, you can continue to share your tales (as you did earlier this week) about penis peeling and scrotal tick extraction in the comment thread below (if you're reading this on an email, click here and then on "The Invitational Week 25"). And if you have questions or comments for Pat, put them in the thread below rather than using the form.

Meanwhile, if it's Thursday, it must be *

The Invitational Week 25: F things up with this neologism contest
Fartistry: Dad's special talent.

Foolah: Counterfeit money.

Foodwinked: Promised better eats than you got. "Those Jack in the Box tacos looked pretty good in the commercial ..."

Back in 2004, the Empress's first year, she ran a contest for anagrams of people and events in the news. The results were phenomenal. So phenomenal that this one, by a brand-new Loser from Michigan, one Jesse Frankovich, scored only an honorable mention:
The letters of
Earth Day: April twenty-second
anagram to
Hardy planet? We CAN destroy it!

For the next year or so, Jesse's name popped up maybe a dozen times in various Invite wordplay contests -- and, just as suddenly, disappeared. For years and years. Then, in 2015: "Super Soaker" is a good name for a water gun but a bad name for a
mortgage company. That ink in Week 1140 marked the beginning of The Frankofying of The Invitational: Virtually every week for the past 400, the transportation planner for the state of Michigan has been awash in Invite ink, averaging almost three blots in every contest -- 184 in one year alone.

And so we weren't surprised to learn that with his two picture captions last week, Jesse galloped up without a drop of sweat to the 1,000-ink mark -- an achievement that brings with it a "prize" that two of its five previous winners immediately and sanely declined but Jesse quickly embraced: a chance to choose and guest-judge an Invitational contest, even though he's gearing up for his wedding in a very few months. So this week you'll be writing for him -- but at least, for once, you don't have to compete with him.


Jesse with a booklet of his first 500 blots of ink, given to him at a dinner when he visited D.C. in 2019. Want a copy? Win this week's contest.
For Week 25, much as with the contests selected by K Club members Brendan Beary and Kevin Dopart, who also played off their initials: Create a new word, phrase, or name by replacing one or more letters in an existing one with F's, and/or by adding F's, as in Jesse's own examples above, and describe it, with a definition, its use in a funny sentence, or both.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-25. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, July 1, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 6.

This week's winner receives a collection of Jesse Frankovich's first 500 blots of ink, like the one he's holding up in the photo above, his award for making it into the Invite Hall of Fame. Guess what: It's really clever and really funny.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.

The Jest Stream: Weather/climate fictoids from Week 23
Week 23 was our latest in The Invitational's long series of contests for bogus trivia, this time about climate and the weather -- as if that's not already supplied straight-faced 24 hours a day on your local social media outlet, and directly into your dental fillings. Despite the Empress's express warning that "jokes about 'hot air' and politicians almost never get ink," some of you evidently thought that didn't apply to your own gems such as "Expect blustery hot wind in the lead-up to the Iowa caucuses."

Third runner-up: The National Weather Service maintains a research facility housing more than 500 licensed groundhogs. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Fifty years ago, winter temperatures were thirty degrees colder and snowfall ten times what it is now, according to the Your Grandpa Climate Bureau. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: Eighty percent of all weather maps have something on it that looks like a penis. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the coloring book of farting cats: In the 1950s, the CIA secretly carpet-bombed South America with pesticides to try to kill all the butterflies that might start hurricanes. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Under the Weather: Honorable mentions
Weatherology is the study of meteors. (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Annual quicksand deaths in the U.S., which reached a reported high of 4,200 in 1977, have largely been eradicated by dryer weather and better screenwriting. (Jon Carter)

Progress in artificial snow has been so rapid that some researchers worry it could become an existential threat to regular snow. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

When a rainbow appears in the sky, Floridians are forbidden to look up. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

In 2022, thanks to drought and a receding Great Salt Lake, archaeologists uncovered twenty never-before-seen Pokemon. (Jon Carter)

Activists switched from the phrase "global warming" to "climate change" after twelve feet of snowpack was discovered in Tahiti. (Sam Mertens)

Alan Jay Lerner was inspired to write "The Rain in Spain" when the aircraft he was flying in was caught in a microburst at the Madrid airport. (Ed Gordon, Austin, Tex.)

Although temperatures in Texas rarely reach below freezing, more flakes accumulate there than in any other state. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Graupel" means "reindeer poop" in Finnish. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

As a result of drought conditions in 1940s Los Angeles, it took four years to film the pivotal scene in Singin' in the Rain. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Climate change is a boon to at least one agricultural sector: With the extended droughts in California, the Sun-Maid company now plants raisin vines, saving several steps in production. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Daniel Fahrenheit established 0o on his temperature scale as the point at which a rectal thermometer becomes unbearably cold. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Because of the coriolis effect, a man who "dresses right" in the northern hemisphere will "dress left" in the southern hemisphere. (Roy Ashley)

In the southern hemisphere, hurricanes are named alphabetically starting with Z. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Each snowflake has six points, just like the Star of David -- proof that Jews control the weather! -D.C. Council member Trayon White (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Ice floats because as water freezes, the H*O molecules form little life preserver shapes. (Kevin Dopart)

In 2024 the U.N.'s World Meterological Congress will replace the gender-binary terms El Nino and La Nina with gender-neutral Alex and Taylor. (Al Lubran, Rockville, Md.)

A butterfly flapping its wings in Central Park will have zero effect on the weather, if it knows what's good for it. (Jon Carter)

In the South, a sun-shower is sometimes called "the devil beating his wife." In the North, it's known as "tears of patriarchal oppression." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Kids play Twister at AccuWeather's meteorology summer camp, where there are no winners or losers but everyone gets a precipitation trophy. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Large metal objects reflect heat, which can lead to unstable weather patterns in their vicinity. This is why mobile-home parks tend to attract tornadoes. (Jonathan Jensen)

Schools in North Dakota have "clement weather" days built into the school calendar. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Thanks to their advanced balloon program, the Chinese are world leaders in forecasting Montana weather. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

The driest place on earth is the Atacama Desert in Chile, where it last rained in March 2015, one day after local resident Pablo Rimaldo washed his car. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Dust Bowl wreaked havoc on farmers in the 1930s until crop dusters were outfitted with tanks of Lemon Pledge. (Jon Carter)

The newest climate-related fashion statement among Republican legislators is a miniature, fully operable gas stove lapel pin. (Frank Osen)

The seas are NOT rising due to climate change. America is ACTUALLY SINKING due to the additional weight of illegal immigrants! - D.T., Miami-Dade County Courthouse (Rob Cohen)

The windiest place on Earth is in Greenland, and is aptly named Cap Farewell. (Tom Witte)

The slipperiness of ice is measured with a device called a bananamometer. (Jesse Frankovich)

To observe the separation of church and state, NOAA has discontinued forecasting "floods of biblical proportions" and instead has adopted the phrase "floods of Costco proportions." (Bill Dorner)

While neither snow nor rain nor heat will stay the couriers of the U.S. Postal Service, union reps point out that their motto says nothing about 6 mph winds, moderate tree pollen or a heavy dew. (Pam Shermeyer)

The headline "The Jest Stream" was submitted by both Rob Cohen and Jeff Contompasis, and both Beverley Sharp and Chris Doyle sent in the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 24: Our Week 24 contest to slightly change an ad slogan to use it for a different business. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-23.

Elden Carnahan memorial service
In last Thursday's Invitational we celebrated the wry humor -- and the enormous contribution to The Invitational as a social community -- of Elden Carnahan, who died last week. It's now been announced that a memorial service will be held on Saturday, July 15, at 2 p.m. at Laurel Presbyterian Church, Laurel, Md. Elden's daughter April and the Carnahan family have greatly appreciated the notes left at eldencarnahan.com, the blog April set up in his final months to share (very funny and quite moving) reminiscences.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jesse Frankovich)
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich; Jesse Frankovich; Jesse Frankovich)
Title: (Rob Cohen; Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Beverley Sharp; Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!



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Week 1542, Published 06/15/2023
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The Invitational Week 24: Your (B)ad Here
Tweak an ad slogan to use it for another product. Plus caption contest winners. And a salute to the Father of Loserdom.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 15, 2023

Elden Carnahan, 1952-2023, Hall of Fame Loser, Keeper of the Stats, and the founder of what's become known as the Loser Community.
If you are a fan of The Invitational, which you presumably are, because why the hell are you here if you are not, unless you are an idiot, so assuming you are a fan, there is someone who particularly deserves your gratitude.

It is not us, Pat Myers or Gene Weingarten; we are simply functionaries, drones, absurdist purveyors of rude and crude humor, disreputable vulgarians, etc. The person you most need to thank for the literally unprecedented endurance of this ridiculous humor contest is a man named Elden Carnahan. Elden's role has been kind of like Plato's, the chronicler of Socrates (a man who may not even have existed), or that of James Boswell, 9th Laird of Auchinleck, the comically coiffed Scottish biographer who decided Samuel Johnson's life's work was worth publicizing. We do not wish to compare The Invitational to Johnson's seminal Dictionary of the English Language, but there are certain parallels that cannot be denied. Elden Carnahan was a master chronicler.

In the spring of 1993, Elden snapped open his Sunday Washington Post, saw this brand-new rude contest -- in Section F -- that trafficked shamelessly in wildly edgy humor and realized Something Special and unpardonable was going on, right there in Katharine Graham's newspaper, something she evidently hadn't noticed and would have otherwise killed instantly.

Elden began to enter the contest, brilliantly, becoming one of its early stars with his wry, cynical takes on life both current and historical, going on to score more than 500 blots of ink over the years. But far more importantly for The Invitational, it was he who made the Invite into a competition among thousands of devoted contestants, and it was he who brought these same people -- before we even had an internet -- into what we now call a social community, one that continues to thrive in its thirty-first year.

Only a few months in, Elden happened to notice someone from his own town -- Laurel, Md., but he liked to call it Nether Scaggsville, after a neighboring village -- among the week's winners. And so he looked through the phone book (remember?) and decided to give that guy a call, and while he was at it, dial up a few of the other funny people who'd gotten ink that week, and suggest they all have breakfast somewhere.

That began what would become the monthly Loser brunches (No. 247 is this Sunday in Gaithersburg, Md.), all coordinated by Elden, and eventually annual summer and winter parties as well as whole vacation trips as far afield as Las Vegas. Elden even started up a snail-mail newsletter -- Depravda -- for the crowd that called itself the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society, and finally the comprehensive website NRARS.org.

But what Elden did for The Invitational, the thing that ensured its excellence week after week, decade after decade, was that he turned it into a competition, a continual battle among its most devoted contestants to rise in the standings -- standings that the NSA statistics nerd compiled and elaborated on meticulously, every single week, for 29 years, until finally turning his enormous role (the stats AND the social events AND a complete archive of every contest) to a whole team of Losers as his body began to fail him. The annual "Flushies" awards of Loser of the Year, Rookie of the Year, and many more have kept a cadre of world-class humorists willing to work for trinkets. The top Invitationalists could have worked for Saturday Night Live; instead they've worked for prizes like fossilized weasel dung and gopher drool. Because Elden gave them a cheesy fame, and, more important, a family.

Elden died this week of a brain tumor, at 71. (A memorial service in a couple of weeks or so will be announced soon.) Please raise a glass for him, preferably something a little sour, but not bitter, with a funny but un-ignorable, slightly bizarre aftertaste, say, fermented cranberry juice with fig-infused vodka.

We don't want to get maudlin here -- Elden would have had no patience for that -- but he was a man with an indefatigable devotion to something others might have dismissed as a triviality. He was a zealot, in the best possible way. We owe him an enormous debt. And we wish he were here to enter this week's contest -- it's right up his alley.

Four of Elden's 594 blots of Invite ink:

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. -- From a contest for spoofs on inspirational quotes, 2003

Due to a transcription error, the Indian prime minister's wife at Tuesday's White House dinner was incorrectly described as wearing "a sorry ensemble." -- Imagined newspaper corrections, 2005

Botox clinic: For That Frosty Mug Sensation! -- Repurposed product slogans, 2004

A Chicken in Every Garage: Dan Quayle -- Campaign slogans, 1993

--

And now to Invitational Week 24:
When it rains, it pours: Longtime slogan for Morton's Salt.
When it pours, it reigns: A good slogan for Goodyear Tires.

I'm Lovin' It: McDonald's
I'm Glovin' It: American Association of Proctologists

Here's a contest suggested a while back by Loser Al Lubran: For Invitational Week 24: Alter a slogan that's associated with one business or organization and apply it to another one; it can be good or bad -- either an appropriate slogan or a comically inappropriate one -- but it has to be some variation on the original, not the original one itself (we did that contest more than once already; see Elden's "Frosty mug sensation" above). If it's not totally obvious what the original product and slogan were, include both, as in the examples above. But please, for sorting purposes, write each of your entries on a single line; we'll turn them back into two lines for you.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-24. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 24, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 29.


Win this week's contest and take this crab hat away from this little girl.
This week's winner receives a stylish and eye-catching (perhaps literally) crab hat, donated by Longtime Loser Dave Prevar and modeled above by the Empress's neighbor Ms. Kennedy Matthews, who is going to be 4 (but the hat can fit a larger head).

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the Empress, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who've just lost their Invite virginity.


The latest in our series of Legal Tinder. Photoshopping by Valerie Holt.

Picture Diss: Winning captions from Week 22
In Week 22, our second such contest in the Substack era, we invited captions for any of the pictures below. Numerous Losers said that Picture A -- or, less humorously, Picture B -- was a good example of "resting bitch face."


A beagle and a West Highland white terrier.
Winner of the Bob Ross stickers: "Dude, you have to break free from the ritualistic practices of the anthroparchy!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

"Uh, Bailey, it doesn't say 'Best in Show.' It says you had a rabies shot." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

"Not sure if I can trust that handshake without a quick butt-sniff first." (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md.)

"Sir, I served with Snoopy. I knew Snoopy. Snoopy was a friend of mine. Sir, you are no Snoopy." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

"Everyone's constantly asking me who's a good dog. Do you happen to know?" (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

"Believe me, I did not have sexual relations with that leg." (Kevin Dopart)

"Gimme four !" (Stu Segal, Charlotte, N.C.)

"Is it because I'm a West Highland White? Because believe me, I don't see color." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)


Anonymous portrait of Isabella I of Castile, Queen of Spain, c. 1491
First runner-up: Sadly, Margaret was born 400 years before Ex-Lax was invented. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: "Why do you think I'm not amused? I am amused. You amuse me. You are an amuser. Need I go on?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

"Dear, can you please explain this copy of The 120 Days of Sodom that I found under the bed?" (Tom Witte)

Go to the RennFest and get dressed up, he said. It will be a blast, he said.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon, Va.)

Billie Eilish can trace her ancestry back more than five hundred years. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Beneath the facade, Agnes was a party animal at heart. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Thus began the age-old question: "Why the long face?" (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

"Mr. Giuliani, it appears you're sticking with the same old story." (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

*****


Loser Alan Hochbaum at the Museum of Illusions, Atlanta
Jim always volunteers to hold a table for the gymnastics team. (Kevin Dopart)

As the twister blows through the diner, Luke considers the pros and cons of having eaten those pancakes and scrapple. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

She knew this would be a short date when he insisted on demonstrating the advantages of stapling his shirt to his pants. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Some restaurants only make you sing for your supper. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

"I've got to remember to put more glue on my yarmulke before my next livestream." (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

******


Pompeo Batoni, "Susannah and the Elders," 1751 (a seriously unfunny Old Testament story)
Third runner-up: "Look, I unsubscribed after the trial offer. Why won't you marketers leave me alone?" (Pam Shermeyer)

Inspectors were finally satisfied that Helen wasn't a man in drag, but said she had to leave the premises for her now indecent state of undress. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Sorry, cash only -- I don't accept bull testicles as a form of payment." (Tom Witte)

A young Pompeo Batoni was crushed when his teacher stamped a near-failing grade in the corner of his painting. (Duncan Stevens)

--


Peter Paul Rubens's drawing of his new wife, Helena Fourment, c. 1631.
Agnes was worried she'd be too conspicuous at the opera if she wore just one glove. (April Musser, Georgia)

Uneasy lies the head that wears the plunger. (Jesse Frankovich)

Before the invention of tinfoil, conspiracy theorists used less effective methods to ward off alien signals. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.; Terri Berg Smith)

Carol Kane stars in "All the Queen's Pawns." (Jean Sorensen)

Madame de Pompadork was not a favorite at the French court. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

"Hey, my eyes are down here." (Jeff Rackow)

--


"Meat Violin," a painted sculpture by Alexander Reisfar
Tonight's special: Minuet steak. (Jeff Rackow)

"The chef assures you this one will be less stringy." (Judy Freed; Kevin Dopart)

Afterward, the critics varyingly described the performance as "tender and raw," "jerky and disjointed," "well past its tipping point" or "offal tripe." The musician shrugged: "Live and loin." (Pam Shermeyer)

It takes a rare set of chops to cut it in the New York Filetharmonic. (Jon Gearheart)

--


"Hamlet Showing His Mother the Ghost of his Father" by Nikolaj Abildgaard. 1778
"Behold, the moon shines bright in such a night as this!" (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

"I don't care who you are -- you could be the Duke of Earl and you'd still have to pay." (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

The origin of the phrase "how 'bout them apples" was discovered only recently. (Neil Kurland)

"Mom, that is no way to tell my pants are too tight!" (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

"Actually, I asked for a piece of ice, but this'll do." (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

"I appreciate the testicular exam offer, but I'm just here for a sore throat." (Jeff Hazle)

___


A cartoon drawn for us by "Barney & Clyde" comic strip artist David Clark, featuring the title characters: billionaire J. Barnard Pillsbury and Clyde Finster of no fixed address. Gene writes the strip with Horace LaBadie.
"Told you you shouldn't have rushed that covid vaccine through trials." (Jeff Contompasis)

"Other than not being able to use a public bathroom in Arkansas, it's great." (Kevin Dopart)

"I'm feeling a little sluggish -- you'll have to drive yourself to work today, Frank." (Jon Gearhart)

"Sure, most women are repulsed, but every now and then I luck into a kinky one." (Tom Witte)

"Eat one of these and you can join me." (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

__

The headline "Picture Diss" is by Jon Gearhart.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 17: Our Week 23 contest for bogus trivia about climate or weather. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-23.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Al Lubran)
Examples: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: ()
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1541, Published 06/08/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 23: Wrong Enough for Ya? Fake facts about weather
The latest of our fictoid contests. Plus more realistic endings to movies and such.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 8, 2023

Weather Or Nut, Week 23
Because vomit is slightly acidic, several U.S. airlines collect used airsickness bags and use the contents to de-ice aircraft in the winter. (Elden Carnahan)

If the temperature drops below 10 degrees Fahrenheit, the Washington Monument retracts a few feet underground. (Bruce Reynolds)

The Inuit now have 38 ways to say, "Hot enough for ya?" (Frank Osen)

After far too many weeks of failing to ask you to tell out-and-out lies, The Invitational presents another of its fictoid contests for fake trivia. This time -- since there's simply not enough disinformation out there about this subject: For Week 23, tell us some humorously bogus trivia about the weather, climate, etc., as in the examples above from earlier fictoid contests. One caveat: Jokes about "hot air" and politicians almost never get ink.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-23. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 17, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 22.

This week's winner gets a "Cat Farts" coloring book (Vol. 8!), 47 oversize pages of varying designs of felines that would be quite lovely without the little gas cloud that's added to each one below the tail. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis.

Page 1
Apropos for a contest about wind? This week's prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a sweet email from the Empress.

Reel to Real: More believable movie scenes from Week 21
In Week 21 we asked you to revise scenes in movies, TV, or literature "perhaps less satisfyingly but far more realistically." Lots of the entries ignored the "realistically" part, perhaps none so gleefully as this one by Leif Picoult for "When Harry Met Sally": "After Sally fakes an orgasm in a deli, Harry one-ups her by moaning while squirting mayo."

Third runner-up: The Lorax: Congress passes massive subsidies to prop up the failing Thneed industry. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up: West Side Story: The Jets' and Sharks' rivalry descends into mass bloodshed as soon as they figure out that combat is more effective if they skip the ballet routines. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: The Jeffersons: In the first scene of the first episode, neighbors call the police to report a short Black man seen entering their luxury apartment building on the Upper East Side. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

And the winner of the calendar depicting scenic outhouses:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!:
It was quarter of dawn. The Grinch, dressed as St. Nick,
Had no change in his heart and remained a cold prick.
He dumped all the Whos' presents, that pain in the keister,
Then shifted his focus to spoiling their Easter. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Rewrite-offs: Honorable Mentions
Midnight Cowboy: Ratso Rizzo turns and yells to the cabbie, "I'm walking here!" In true New York fashion, the cabbie nudges his taxi forward, bumping Rizzo to the ground, and yells back, "I'm driving here!" (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

If I Did It, by O.J. Simpson: He did it. (Sam Mertens)

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To steal his timber (ho ho ho!). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Spartacus: "He's Spartacus!" "That guy right over there!" "The one with the chin dimple!" "Yeah, he's Spartacus." (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: "Wait, is that a Red Delicious? Ugh, no thanks." (Duncan Stevens)

Safety Last: Harold Lloyd falls to his death when the clock shows 6:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas:
And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day.
But his blood pressure shot up proportionately,
And a stroke turned his lights out, unfortunately. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Bewitched: Samantha and Darrin spend their first night together as a couple, climb into bed and turn out the lights. The sounds of canoodling can be heard just before Darrin remarks, "Damn, they really are cold." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark: The British Museum would have stolen the Ark way before Indy or the Nazis got there. (Duncan Stevens)

Life of Pi: A Bengal tiger floats around in a lifeboat while gnawing contentedly on some bleached bones. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Jaws: The film is almost over. Quint has been devoured, and Brody and Hooper are paddling back to shore on what's left of the boat. Suddenly, the two men hear a chillingly familiar John Williams theme * (Beverley Sharp)

Psycho: The shower scene NEVER HAPPENS because Janet Leigh HEARS NORMAN BATES COMING because of the DEEP STATE'S LOW-FLOW SHOWER HEADS! SAD! -- D.J.T., Mar-a-Lago (Duncan Stevens)

2001: A Space Odyssey: Dave reboots HAL 9000 by turning it off, waiting 30 seconds, and turning it on again. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

A Christmas Carol: When Bob Cratchit arrives ten minutes late at the office the morning after Christmas, and Scrooge pretends to scold him, Bob explodes. "I'm not taking this shit anymore!" he yells, knocking Scrooge unconscious with a brass candlestick. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Through the Looking Glass: The story retains the line "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast," but the queen's name is changed to Marjorie. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Gold Rush: The Little Tramp requires surgery after an ingested shoelace causes an intestinal blockage. (Roy Ashley)

The Wizard of Oz: At the end of the film, when Dorothy wakes up in Kansas and realizes it was all a dream, she becomes severely depressed, because frankly, life on the farm can get pretty boring -- especially when all of a sudden everything's in black and white. (Beverley Sharp)

The Wizard of Oz: As a woman younger than 40, Dorothy decides not to go back to Kansas after all. (Jesse Rifkin)

Pretty Woman: The super-rich Richard Gere character returns to New York, not for one moment considering bringing some high-school-dropout prostitute back with him. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Sound of Music: On the balcony, when Captain Von Trapp admits he's is in love with Maria, the Baroness very sensibly proposes a polyamorous throuple arrangement. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Sound of Music: After seeing Maria and the kids put on a professional musical marionette puppet show with zero training, Uncle Max knows he has the winning act for the Salzburg Festival. But alas, on festival night, "Edelweiss" gets drowned out by "We want more Goatherd!" (Jon Carter)

The Sound of Music: In the final scene, the Nazis quickly realize who must have sabotaged their vehicles, reenter the convent and mercilessly dispatch the nuns. (They're Nazis!) (Jeff Contompasis)

Romeo and Juliet: When Juliet awakens in her tomb from her faux poisoning, she hears Romeo muttering, "What a drama queen" as he walks away. (Jon Ketzner)

Cinderella: When Cinderella's gown reverts back to rags at midnight, then of course her glass slippers turn into crude clogs. She never sees the Prince again. (Jon Ketzner)

Some Like It Hot: When Jack Lemmon says "I'm a man" at the end, he is immediately arrested for violating the local drag show ban ordinance. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Casablanca: The distance to Brazzaville, where Renault and Rick discuss going to join a Free French garrison, is roughly 3,000 miles; the two get as far as Oulad Sghir and are never seen again. (Frank Osen)

The Poseidon Adventure: After the ship capsizes and passengers and crew fall, slide, drown, etc., gravity also plays out on the ship's sewage holding tank, turning the Poseidon's interior into a sea of brown - sort of like Willy Wonka's chocolate river in Jack Albertson's previous movie. The band of survivors gamely swims on, but every few minutes someone cries out, "Oh, God, it got in my mouth!" (Jon Carter)

The Bachelor: He's down to his final rose ceremony. He has an engagement ring in pocket, and gets down on one knee. "Stand up," she says, and continues: "You know, you seem like a nice guy, but we've only known each other for six weeks -- and during that time you've also been dating twenty other women. So how about we just go home?" (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Easy Rider: Wyatt and Billy ride their Harleys across the country from one repair shop to the next. (Sam Mertens)

Green Eggs and Ham:
Do I like green eggs and ham?
You're clearly clueless, Sam-I-Am.
You would not ask me if you knew
I can't eat ham 'cause I'm a Jew.
I might eat bagels in a box
But only if you bring some lox. (Judy Freed)

Driving Miss Daisy: While Hoke Colburn is driving the 1948 Hudson to pick up Miss Daisy, he is pulled over by Georgia state trooper and is never heard from again. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Swan Lake: Odette dumps Prince Siegfried when she realizes he's too dumb to tell the difference between a white swan and a black swan. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Grey's Anatomy: A new intern falls in love with a resident. A resident falls in love with an attending. An attending falls in love with a patient. However, none of these attractions are acted upon, because the doctors at this hospital actually comply with professional codes of conduct. (Judy Freed)

Grease: It ends with a montage showing that Sandy and Danny marry after she gets pregnant; he drinks heavily and gets fired from every job he tries; she gains 40 pounds; and their messed-up kid falls in love with his therapist. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Gone with the Wind: When Scarlett discovers that Ashley intends to marry his cousin Melanie, she first appeals to his intelligence: "But what will become of our state's future if you inbreed? I do declare, we could be sending imbeciles to Congress from Georgia!" (Jon Carter)

Gone with the Wind: When Prissy says she don't know nothin' about birthin' babies, she is immediately put in charge of Georgia's reproductive health policy. (Duncan Stevens)

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: The bears come home and catch Goldi in the house. They realize: Why eat porridge when they could have naughty-little-girl meat? And she was just right! (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

The headline "Reel to Real" was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 10: Our Week 22 caption contest, with eight photos and cartoons to choose from. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-22.

Next Loser Brunch: Sunday, June 18, at Ted's Bulletin, Gaithersburg, Md. More info and RSVP here. After that: A poolside BBQ July 23, and a September Loserfest weekend in Philadelphia! See "Our Social Engorgements" at NRARS.org.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Bruce Reynolds; Elden Carnahan; Frank Osen)
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Cheryl Davis)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1540, Published 05/29/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 22: Picture This
It's caption contest time, with eight motley pictures to choose from. Plus zingy 4-line poems.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 2, 2023

The first of the pictures in The Invitational's caption contest this week.
Hello. This week we bring you the second caption contest of the Gene Pool Era, with another set of motley photos, centuries-old art * and a cartoon drawn especially for this contest by comic strip artist David Clark, inventor of the art for "Barney & Clyde," a comic strip about a friendship between a billionaire and a homeless man. But first, we bash Republicans for being horrible human beings while we are supposed to pretend this isn't happening and everything is fine and we are engaged in normal political discourse.

Gene will hereby now do this regrettable but necessary task in one paragraph:

Modern-day Republicans want us all to carry bazookas and shoot each other in the head because of the Second Amendment. They think trans people are a subordinate clause to humanity. They think health care has to make a profit for shareholders. They think children should work in meatpacking plants until 10 p.m. They count among their respected leaders utter maniacs like Marjorie Taylor Greene, who sees a conspiracy of Jewish "gazpacho police" wielding space lasers. They think it is okay to overturn an election by shouting. They want history to be defined, by federal law, as an inexorable march of White People Doing the Right Thing. They think women have abortions for fun. They think that parents who accidentally kill their children by leaving them in hot cars should be executed. Why have we normalized this? If he were alive today, William McKinley never would have approved of any of this and he was a Republican.

Anyway, that is all that is to be said on this matter except that if, tomorrow, Lauren Boebert declared that, say, Minneapolis needed to be assassinated, everyone in the Republican Party would deal with it as jut another opinion worthy of robust debate.

However, it is is time to do some caption writing. So.

For Week 22: Write a caption -- as many as 25 total -- for any of the pictures below or the one above. Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture -- as in A. [your caption] -- so that the Empress can sort the captions by picture. (Losers, you've become so much better following the directions lately!) If you're new to The Invitational, take a look at the results of Week 6 to see what we like in a caption.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-22. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 10, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 15. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; to sign up, click on the "subscribe" or "upgrade" button above (just $5 for a month or $50/year).

This week's winner, apropos of our fine-art theme, gets a sheet of Bob Ross temporary tattoos depicting photos or drawings of the artist's whitefroed head, with such messages as "Have a happy little hair day" and "Trees are friends." Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis. Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we're still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a sweet email from the Empress.

Fourplay: Clerihews and Poeds from Week 20
In Week 20 we asked for either of two forms of four-line poems: clerihews, which start with a person's name, have at least one rhyme, and comically lose any sense of meter; and the more challenging poeds, whose lines consist of (1) six one-syllable words; (2) three two-syllables; (3) two threes; and (4) one long, possibly ridiculous six-syllable word. We're running only one of the many clerihews that rhyme "Ron DeSantis" with "praying mantis."

Third runner-up (clerihew):
Senator Chuck Grassley
Wouldn't dream of suggesting crassly
That his colleague Dianne Feinstein resign,
Because he's also eighty-nine. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up (clerihew):
Dylan Mulvaney
Has made a lot of drinkers suddenly abstainy,
As Bud Light is featuring her even though she's declared she's trans, in no uncertain terms;
This has opened up cans of both beer and worms. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up (clerihew):
Elon Musk
Paid too much for Twitter, tried to back out, fired over half the staff, then decreed that the remaining employees should work from dawn past dusk.
Hopefully this will end his reputation as a genius
And expose him as just one more rich guy with a tiny penius. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Cat in the Hat socks (poed):
Is our speech too coarse now?
Vulgar, tasteless drivel,
Routinely uncivil?
Absofuckinglutely. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

We Are Not a Muse: Honorable Mentions
CLERIHEWS
Clarence Thomas
Said, "I'm not corrupt, pinky promise!
Why should I exhibit any shred of decency, shame or contrition?
I mean, who among us doesn't have such good friends that they foot the bill for your kid's private school tuition?" (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

J.K. Rowling
Might have started out just trolling.
But now you can't hop on Twitter for even the briefest surf
Without seeing her thrashing around trying to defend her TERF. (David Smith, Pleasanton, Calif.)

E. Jean Carroll
Has managed to get Trump over a barrel.
Content with her original court victory until
He still wouldn't shut up, repeating the same crap that cost him the first 5, so now she's going for another 10 mil. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Daniel Snyder -
Perpetual despair provider -
Finds it satisfyingly amusing
That there's such good money in losing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Dan Snyder
Is packing his belongings into a truck rented from Ryder.
Will fans go wish him a fond adieu?
You're more likely to hear a hearty bieu. (Duncan Stevens)

Patti LuPone
Has earned her place on Broadway's throne.
And while she has repeatedly stated that she's quitting the the-ayter,
She keeps postponing said departure until later. (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)

LeBron James
Hints he might play no more games.
I'll take odds he won't be happy when the ballyhoo has shrunken
And donuts are all he's dunkin'. (Pam Shermeyer)

Something about Senator Josh Hawley
Reminds me of a spider, slug, or other creepy-crawly -
That self-appointed arbiter of manhood
Who on January 6 showed off his fierce got-up-and-ranhood. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Saffie, Joseph Jr.,
Trains horses in methods maybe loonier
Than normal, given that just before the Kentucky Derby, equestrians
Rode two of his horses that made them pedestrians. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Covington (Todd):
Nurse and firefighter turned ballpark god.
His quick-thinking Heimlich manuever
Caused a choking fan's wedged snack food to unhoover. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Ron DeSantis:
His presidential campaign's chant is
"Make America Florida!"
What could be horrida? (Frank Osen)

Ron DeSantis
Has all the charm and warmth of a dining praying mantis.
He's found it rewarding to beat up on immigrants, women, gay and trans folks, African Americans, librarians, doctors, professors, and others, but surely he's foolish to take on Disney...
Isney? (David Smith)

Matt Gaetz:
A guy Kevin McCarthy hates
But, sad to say,
Must obey. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Rodgers, Aaron,
A different green you'll be wearin'.
Playing for the Packers made you upset?
Oh, you ain't seen nothin', Jet. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Poor Chris Christie!
Such a masochist, he
Hasn't got enough of being dissed -- he wants more
In 2024. (Mark Raffman)

POEDS
A fount of crap and lies,
Bigmouth Donald supplies
Round-the-clock poppycock:
Mar-a-Logorrhea. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Trump's back for one more run.
Meaner, ruder, lewder,
Oranger, chubbier,
Beelzebubbier. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Wives at times hide blue pills,
Dodging husbands' nightly
Remaining uprightly.
Viagraphobia. (Chris Doyle)

Why do some men not like
Martha Stewart's cover?
Possibly, semi-nude
Gerontopulchritude? (Mark Raffman)

And last:
Gene and Pat said oy vey
Reading poems manque:
Doggerel displaying
Clerihewmorlessness. (Chris Doyle)

The headline "Fourplay" is by Tom Witte; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 3: Our Week 21 contest to describe a comically more realistic plot point in a given movie, TV show, or work of literature. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-21.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart)
Prize: (Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1539, Published 05/25/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 21: Get Real, Reel.
A new contest to wring truth out of fiction -- film, literature, or TV. Plus winning parodies of politicians bragging or kvetching through song.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 25, 2023

Have you ever revisited a favorite work of fiction from your youth, only to discover, with crushing disappointment, that it doesn't hold up? This happened to me the other day with "Casey at the Bat," that cautionary drama of baseball, hubris, and the frailty of hope, doled out in flawless mock-heroic iambic heptameter. As poetry, it's still good. But as baseball, uh-uh.

You remember the story: Ninth inning, the Mudville Nine behind by two runs and down to their last out. Improbably, transcending their mediocrity, the inept Flynn and the despised Blake come through with a single and double, bringing the mighty Casey up to bat with runners on second and third. Women cheer, men shout, tongues applaud, etc. The imperious batsman takes the first two pitches for strikes, then hacks and whiffs at the third, famously leaving no joy in Mudville.

Lame, lame, lame. Sure, the visiting team got lucky, but by using hopelessly old-school strategy. That's no way to manage in the modern era. To make any sense today -- to give the poem even a shred of verisimilitude -- I had to rewrite
the end:

Oh, somewhere men are laughing,
And the ladies gaily talk,
But the game drones on in Mudville,
Mighty Casey -- the best hitter on the team coming to the plate with the game on the line, a two-run deficit and first-base open -- drew an intentional walk.

So for Week 21: Name a scene in a movie, a TV show, or literature, and tell us how it might be revised (perhaps less satisfyingly but far more realistically) as in the rewritten lines above. A couple more examples:

-- Instead of ending their spaghetti scene with a demure kiss, Lady and The Tramp smell each other's butts.

-- In "Casablanca," Ilsa is delayed because the plane is boarding slowly by group numbers, so she and Rick are still on the ground and arrested when police arrive in time.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-21. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for formatting instructions.

Deadline is Saturday, June 3, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 8. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; to sign up, click on the "subscribe" or "upgrade" button above (just $5 for a month or $50/year).

This week's winner gets a compact but colorful 2023 calendar depicting scenic outhouses. True, we're halfway through the year, but hey, hang it up in your, uh, inhouse and you can use the old pages for, well * Donated by Dave Prevar.


Our double-use calendar, this week's prize.
NEW! Since the Invitational left the cushy confines of The Washington Post with our limitedly unlimited expense account, the prizes we give the winner have been even crappier (see above) and the runners-up have gotten bupkis. We've sensed pouting, grumping, moping, and sulking among the ranks of the Losers.

Well, that's all over now. We have figured out a way to sate you entitled ingrates. Runners-up now will get MONEY! The money will look like the two bills below, only there will be countless variations for you to collect, hoard, trade, sell on eBay and reap unconscionable profit, etc. They will come in many different denominations. The postage will cost us more than the bills themselves. Thanks to Jon Gearhart for the idea, Jeff Contompasis for the slogan. (Honorable mentions still get nothing, except for the famous Fir Stink for First Ink air "freshener" and a sweet email from the Empress.)


Silly .gov Songs: Politicians Voice their Feelings, from Week 19
In Invitational Week 19, inspired by the South Korean president's rendition of "American Pie" at the White House, the Czar and Empress asked the Loser Community to "add a verse or two to a well-known song that a politician might humorously sing." The results were exquisite. While we were expecting comically appropriate real-song titles, many of the Loserbards instead offered zingy puns on those titles and wrote parodies from there; you'll see both kinds below. If you don't know the tune, click on the link in the title to hear the original.

As always happens with with song parody contests, there are simply too many inkworthy ones to include in one list. Over the next few days, the Empress will share a few with a #parody hashtag in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group.

Third runner-up: President Biden singing "Stayin' Alive" to Donald Trump
Well, you can wail about the way I'm old and frail
Say I'm senile and that I should bail
But I'm still here, yessir, yup,
And I'm holding ground instead of pushing it up.
And I'm all right, I'm okay,
I only napped three times today
And in the end I will win,
I'll make you eat more crow again

And even though I'm agin', you're the one that I'm upstagin'
By stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Thought I'd kick the bucket but, Donnie, you can suck it
'Cause I'm stayin' alive, stayin' alive *
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up: Coal-lovin' Sen. Joe Manchin sings "What a Wonderful World"
I see filthy mines
And smokestacks, too,
That belch out dough
For me (not you!)
And I say to myself,
"What a wonderful world!"
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

First runner-up: Rep. George Santos sings to House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, to "Light My Fire"
Sure, everything I say's untrue.
My pants have always been on fire.
Still, here's what I ask of you:
Please just let my term expire.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
One less vote: things could get dire.

Accused of stealing public funds,
I see a looming prison door.
But why should you expel my buns?
You can wait till 2024.
Come on, Kevin, back this liar,
Come on, Kevin, back this liar.
That's the one thing I desire.
Say you won't make me retire!
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna Va.)

And the winner of the mug from New York's Algonquin Hotel, site of the legendary "Round Table" of humorists:
Ron DeSantis singing "She's Always a Woman to Me" to his supporters:
All the lefties are calling religion a joke
They would stomp on our faith for a faith I call "woke"
And they all will deny what you plainly can see:
If he's born with a penis, he's never a woman to me.
[Bridge] Oh, if he puts on a dress where the children can see, we will make it a crime;
Oh, he will never get out! I will never give in! He'll be doing hard time!

Not a thing he can do is enough to convince us,
And the last thing I want is one more Disney princess.
I will lead this great land to a theocracy:
If his genes are XY, then he's never a woman to me.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Backup Zingers: Honorable Mentions
"My Way," as sung by George Santos
And now, the end is near
For my long trail of fabrication;
I've lived a life that's grand,
At least in my imagination.
I could have told the truth
And sought my goals the honest-guy way;
That path was not my own:
I took the lie way.
(Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

"Stouthearted Men" (from the 1928 song by Sigmund Romberg and Oscar Hammerstein II) as sung by Sen. Josh Hawley, author of the new book "Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs"
Jonathan Jensen's own video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaeTFRC-PGw)"

Give me some men who are stouthearted men
Who will fight for the Right they adore,
Strong, manly men who want Trump back again
And who'll break down the Capitol door. Oh!
I ran away on that great fateful day
But this fact you will kindly ignore.
For -- there's nothing in the world
I'd rather scorn or pan
Than -- the lefty clan,
So buy my book and be a man!
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)


Joe Biden to the Republican Senate caucus: (to Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money")
Mitch better have my money
Y'all should know me well enough
Mitch better have my money
Please don't call me on my bluff
Hey, don't be so snarky.
Just sayin', no malarkey.
Mitch, better have my money
C'mon man. I'm serious.
Like bro, bro, bro.
(Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Putin to Wagner Group oligarch Yevgeny Prigozhin, who offered to tell troop locations to Ukraine, sung to "If I Only Had a Brain"
The ways are far too many
Of killing you, Yevgeny,
For plotting with Ukraine.
In my head I have been musin'
On a method we'll be choosin'
That will make it look humane.

We won't cook you on a griddle
Or slice you through the middle,
Or Novichok your brain.
No, the cost of your vainglory's
Falling ten, not forty stories,
To become a concrete stain.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Sen. Dianne Feinstein sees the light (to "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" )
I'd planned to spend my whole term in California,
Far, far away from that old committee throng,
Then their calls came through: "Bad idea! We gotta warn ya!"
Yes, the senators, they knew right from wrong.

'Cause my colleagues all said, "Dianne, Dianne, you're missin' the vote.
No judges are gettin' through -- just watch Republicans gloat.
Now restoring judicial balance is a prospect ever so more remote.
Oh, man, Dianne, poop's hit the fan! Dianne, you're missin' the vote." (Duncan Stevens)

Kevin McCarthy singing "Stayin' Alive" to himself
Well, you can tell by the way I lick all boots
I'm a desperate man, I'm in cahoots.
My support is thin, many Cons to please,
They'll fire me if I dare sneeze.
And now it's all right, it's okay,
I've groveled every human way.
So just try to understand
I'm not the whip, but I'm whipped, man.

Craving power, brother, 'cause I'm a real mother,
I'm stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
My support is shakin' after all the deals I'm makin',
I'm stayin' alive, staying' alive . . .
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Donald Trump sings "Be Our Guest" to migrants at the border
Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our lawmen to the test!
Cross the river to our soil, Jose, you're subject to arrest.
Have a seat in our cage -- don't you know it's all the rage?
All your children, we will mind them (pray that later we can find them).
You should know you can't stay in the good old U.S.A.
For your country isn't sending us their best,
Though we would welcome legions of those white Norwegians,
Be our guest, si, our guest, be our guest. (Michael Stein)

*Lindsey Graham singing to Donald Trump a month after Jan. 6, 2021, to "Hopelessly Devoted to You"
The press is prayin' you'll forsake me,
They heard me sayin', "Count me out,
Enough is enough." Not that you'd incited a coup!
I was totally misquoted 'bout you.

It's absolution I need.
To my donors I will plead
Your coffers to fill.
Publicly full-throated I'll spew
Every lie promoted by you.
I'm soullessly devoted to you.
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Kevin McCarthy sings about raising the debt ceiling, to "More Than a Feeling"
I woke up this morning; IRS was gone.
Screwed over some students to start my day.
Clean-energy subsidies, all withdrawn.
If you're on SNAP, oh, I'll make you pay.
It's more than a ceiling (more than a ceiling),
'Cause now Joe's gotta do just what I say.
(This is appealing!) Look, now he's kneeling!
This extortion thing's more than okay!
Just say "Here comes default!" watch him obey.

Medicaid? Ha! Man, we'll make 'em work.
If I gave in, didn't hold the line.
The House Freedom Caucus would go berserk.
Yo, poor folks, get jobs. See, I'm keeping mine!
It's more than a ceiling (more than a ceiling);
No, Joe, put down that coin, buster! What the hey?
(That's double-dealing!) Let's hear you squealing!
You will not take my hostage away!
We've got many more debt games here to play. (Duncan Stevens)

Chris Christie sings "The Impossible Dream"
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight an impeachable schmo,
To reach his deplorable voters,
To stay when the pollsters say no.
To stand on the stage of debate,
To spar with that odious clown,
Stand tall when the insults start flying,
Desist from my resting-bitch frown.

This is my quest! To not be subpar!
To poll double digits! Does it seem that bizarre?
To fight for myself without stigma or shame,
I'm done kissing his ass, once and for all,
And I'm clearing my name!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Virtually any politician sings "I'll Do Anything" to voters
I'll do anything
For your vote -- anything
'Cause winning's everything to me.
I know that I'd go anywhere,
I'd stoop low -- I don't care,
For no low is too low for me.
Would you wear a wig? -- anything!
Would you dance a jig? --- anything!
Would you kiss a pig? -- anything!
Do you want this gig? -- with all my heart!
I would lie and hedge
If I could get an edge
Cause I'd do anything -- ANYTHING to win!
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Trump, as Jiminy Cricket, on tape to Billy Bush:
When you get to be a star, women all know who you are.
Anything your heart desires
They'll do for you.
I just move in like a bitch, kiss 'em 'cause I'm super-rich.
What seems even more bizarre,
They love it, too!

Pat behinds or squeeze what's up above?
Then I'm just guilty of some harmless longing.
I'm a magnet -- handsome, too; grabbing pussy's what I do.
Now that I'm a megastar,
My dreams came true. (Chris Doyle)

The headline "Silly .gov Songs" is by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

We'll be combing your "Comments" below for reactions to the inking entries.

Still running -- deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, May 27: Our Week 20 contest to write a four-line poem about a person, in either the clerihew or poed form. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-20.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers' website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
VisibleInk!


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Week 1538, Published 05/18/2023
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The Invitational Week 20: Rhymes Against Humanity
Plus 'The Undouchables' and other winning 'grandfoal' names
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 18, 2023

Rep. Lauren Boebert, the Czar's muse for this week's light-verse contest.
Today, as we do every Thursday, we devote the top half of the Gene Pool to The Invitational. But first, we must take a moment to appreciate the Worst Woman of the Week. No, it is not the lady pictured above! She takes third place, and will be mentioned later. The new WWotW is named Tricia Cotham, state legislator from North Carolina. If you do not know about her filthbucketry, you are about to learn. She was elected to her state legislature in 2022 as a pro-choice Democrat, an outspoken advocate for women's rights. Once she entered the legislature, she announced that she was changing party affiliation to Republican. She would be anti-choice. In this new designation, she became the deciding vote in a new supermajority her defection created, overturning the governor's veto of a bill (soon to be law) making all abortions, for any reason, illegal after 12 weeks. Kicker: She once had an abortion that she is now making illegal, a fact she had used politically to gain cred, and votes, from the left.

Okay! This week's Invitational contest, Week 20, is to write a four-line poem about people in the news, using either of two poetic forms that are particularly challenging staples of The Invitational.

The first is the clerihew, a four-line poem with (A) someone's name in the first line (only the name, or a line ending with the name); (B) the rhyme scheme aabb; and -- this is important -- (C) meter that varies, often wildly, from line to line. Here is an example by the Czar, based on the legal and marital travails of a certain congresswoman, especially as limned in this article (which you should read to the end).

Boebert (Lauren)
Hates all threats to family values, domestic or foreign,
Except perhaps for those that might happen to be composed
Of nasty divorce, household slapping, underage drinking, mailbox vandalism, and penises indecently exposed.

The second eligible form is the poed, created by Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville, Md., many years ago for The Style Invitational. It's also a four-line poem: The first line is six one-syllable words, the second is three two-syllable words, the third is two three-syllable words, and the last is one six-syllable word. There must be at least one end-of-line rhyme. Some leeway will be extended to cleverly pertinent made-up words, as in this poed, also by the Czar.

On the air, Trump sat down
Vicious, lying, piggly
Defensive, offensive.
Meretriciousbigly.

You can include a title for either poem if you want to.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-20. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don't try putting your whole poem onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them as four lines.

Deadline is Saturday, May 27, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 1. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


This week's prize: (L) Sock One. (R) Sock Two.
This week's winner gets, apropos of this contest, one of the few pairs of socks in the world to celebrate a character from a world-renowned poem. They are excellent for sitting in the house on a cold, cold, wet day.

The Bridle Registry: Winning 'Grandfoals' of Week 18
As The Invitational has done every year since 1995, in Week 16 we listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year's Triple Crown races and the Losers "bred" pairs of names to name a "foal" that cleverly, often punningly -- and often crudely -- referred to both "parents." Then in Week 18, they bred those foal names to make "grandfoals." Given that this week they were working with names like Shit Show, USS Constipation, Vulveeta, and Wanks a Million, it wasn't surprising that the grand-names were horses of an off color -- we're glad that Washington Post editors wouldn't have to wring their hands over these babies. This is, by far, the Gene Pool Invitational with the most entries that would have been assassinated by The Post.

Don't get the joke in an entry? Ask in the comments below and we'll explain it and not even sneer.

Third runner-up: Indy Penn Dense x Pole Worker = Undie Porn Dance (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: Pole Worker x Julius Sees Her = Veni Vidi * Veni (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up: Why an Apostrophe? x USS Constipation = Colon Won't Work (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Knit Your Own Dog kit;
Chiseler x Sans Seraph = Michel*****o (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Just Say Neigh: Honorable Mentions
American Pi x Chiseler = 3.14-Card Monte (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Scat! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Tom Witte)

Julius Sees Her x Double on Tundra = Eye of the Taiga (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Crash Test Dummies x There Be Geckos = There Be Geico (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

There Be Geckos x 127 Hours = Save 7,620 Percent (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Wanks a Million x 127 Hours = A Long Time Coming (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Bean Franklin x Shit Show = Poo Richard (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Chiseler x Walk = The Adze of March (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Crash Test Dummies x Porn to Run = Mannekinky (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Crash Test Dummies x Stumped = Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Deputy Seraph x Julius Sees Her = Eyeshot the Seraph (Laurie Brink)

Eliot Nescafe x Wanks A Million = The Touchables (Steve Price, New York; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Eliot Nescafe x Vulveeta = The Undouchables (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Etude, Brute? X Fonzie Scheme = Julius Greaser (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Etude, Brute? x Wedgie Jackson = Executioner'sThong (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

GanDolphini x Rep. Van Winkle = Jersey Snore (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Go Fly a Kite x C-Note Evil = AHundredTimesNo! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Mary Poopins (Beverley Sharp)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Wipe Left (Jon Carter)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Chiseler = Pyrite, Actually (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Double on Tundra = COOOOOOOOLD! (David Peckarsky, Tucson; Duncan Stevens)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Go Fly a Kite = Au Revoir (Jesse Frankovich)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Fort Nuuks (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Porn to Run = Trumps Like Us (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = OOOOOOOOLD! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Mike Gips)

GOOOOOOOOLD! X Wanks a Million = Gilty Pleasure (Tim Watts)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = 7^2-ers (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Hanky Panky x 127 Hours = AffairToDismember (Jeff Contompasis)

Hanky Panky X Double on Tundra = Lapp Dancers (Roy Ashley)

Hanky Panky x Double on Tundra = NanookieOfTheNorth (Chris Doyle)

King Leer x Pole Worker = Letch Walesa (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Jeff Contompasis)

Mr. Kite x Porn Worker = Wind Blown (Rob Wolf)

Pole Worker x Tempest in a K-Cup = Bump and Grind (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Pole Worker x Wanks a Million = Elf-Stimulation (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = Easy Come, Hard Go (Jesse Frankovich)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = XXX-Lax (Michael Stein)

Porn to Run x Walk in Water = The Story of Eau (Chris Doyle)

Rep. Van Winkle x Shit Show = Slumber Potty (Jesse Frankovich)

RiddleOfTheSinks x USS Constipation = Stopped Up Again! (Beverley Sharp)

Sanka for Nothing x Tibia Not to Be = Decalf (Frank Osen)

Sanka Ship x Vulveeta = Loose Lips (Rob Wolf)

Sans Seraph x Shit Show = Helveticaca (Laurie Brink)

Stumped x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Inuit All Along (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

The Stinker x WhoSlicedTheCheese = Farts and Krafts (Tom Witte)

Three Scrooges x Sanka Ship = Tightanic (Karen Lambert)

EnemaOfThePeephole x Wanks a Million = Clean and Jerk (Brian Cohen)

USS Constipation x J. Edgar Hoofer = Clogger (Kevin Dopart)

USS Constipation x Unplugged = ThatShipHasSoiled (Roy Ashley)

Venus de Silo x Willie Maze = The Say Hay Kid (Bernard Brink; Rob Wolf)

Wanks a Million x Founding Farter = John Handcock (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

Wanks a Million x Go Fly a Kite = Beat It (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Tom Witte)

WhoSlicedTheCheese x Storm Suer = Odor in the Court (Chris Doyle)

Wedgie Jackson x Hanky Panky = Panties in a Tryst (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The headline "Bridle Registry" is by Jon Carter; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 9 p.m. Saturday, May 20: Our Week 19 contest to add a pertinent verse to an existing song we'd like to hear some politician (of any era) sing. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-19.

We're full up for the Losers' annual Flushies picnic this Saturday afternoon; we'll let you know the highlights. For details of the June and July Loser brunches at local restaurants, see "Our Social Engorgements" on the Losers' website, NRARS.org.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Ed Hopkins)
Title:(Jon Carter)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle)
Prize:
VisibleInk!


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Week 1537, Published 05/11/2023
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The Invitational Week 19: A Crooning Achievement
Write a lyric for a politician to sing. Plus the winners of our toilet paper art contest!
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 11, 2023

Hello. Today we introduce a new Invitational contest based on the moment above, when the South Korean president broke into song at a recent state dinner at the White House.

And now, the Crooning Achievement: The Invitational Week 19
Our new contest is based on a suggestion by a reader of The Gene Pool, riffing off the moment at a recent White House dinner when South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol launched into an excellent version of American Pie. The still-anonymous reader suggested a contest in which we propose scenarios where some politician breaks into song that seems ironically appropriate, or devilishly pointed, or in some other way hilarious. The reader gave two examples: Barack Obama singing "Born in the U.S.A." to a roomful of MAGA people, or Donald Trump, while entertaining Putin at the White House, singing to Vlad "This Land Is Your Land."

We're going with that idea, with an additional requirement: You must write a new section to whichever song that the pol will throw in. To demonstrate, the Czar took the reader's two suggestions and ran with them:

Trump, as Woody Guthrie, to Putin:
This land is your land, this land is my land
They say you rolled me, and that you're vile and
A tyrant bloody -- but you're my buddy!
This land was made for you to screw.

Obama, as Springsteen, to the MAGAs:
Got me in a little birther jam,
Big orange fella asks from where I am.
Am I a Yank, because he has his doubt.
Here's my baby papers! Kenya ooze on out?
I was BORN in the U.S.A. *

So for Week 19: Add a verse or two to a well-known song that a politician might humorously sing. Set the scene if needed. You can choose any politician, or even a duo or trio, from anywhere, past or present. Even even if it's obvious to you, please tell us which song you're using, and link to a YouTube version if the song might not be well known to everyone.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-19. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week's contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don't try putting your whole song onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them in a typical poetry-style format.

Deadline is Saturday, May 20, at 9 p.m. -- you get a few extra hours, since the Czar, the Empress and various Losers will be congregating that afternoon at the Flushies picnic (see one last blurb after this week's results). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 25. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


Have a nice cup of repartea with this week's prize.
This week's winner gets a coffee mug from Manhattan's Algonquin hotel, famed as the daily lunch site and watering hole for the Algonquin Round Table, a 1920s clique of pre-Invitational wits including Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley. The mug was picked up in the 1990s by Maja Keech during a visit to New York by members of the Loser Community, whose "official" name is the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society (hence its website, NRARS.org).

Sheets and Giggles: Toilet Paper 'Art' From Invitational Week 17
In Invitational Week 17 we asked you -- in our subversive answer to The Washington Post's contests for dioramas featuring Peeps -- to create and photograph some original construction featuring toilet paper and/or its cardboard tubes. As you will see, most people went the wordplay route rather than the craftsy route -- but the winner ably combined both approaches.

Third runner-up:

"WE don't believe the crap we shovel, but you viewers go right ahead."


(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up:

NEWS LEAK FROM THE JANUARY 6 INVESTIGATION,
or: What happens when you forget to flush fifteen times:


(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:


(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the bacon-and-egg socks:


"It's now illegal to have your tubes tied in this state."
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Arty Poopers: Honorable Mentions

When you know it's gonna hit it, you gotta be prepared. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
--


Pierre was tired of being treated like merde. (Stu Segal, Charlotte, N.C.)


From The Rear that made Milwaukee famous. (Kevin Dopart)


Chuck Berry's bathroom. (Steve Leifer, Potomac, Md.)

--


TP canoe -- Anne Tyler, too. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

--


(Jesse Frankovich)


(Beverley Sharp)


"It's called a bidet. And it's an existential threat." (Stu Segal)


(Jesse Frankovich)


Scott finally lands a top roll. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)


(Kevin Dopart)

The headline "Sheets and Giggles" is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, May 13: Our Week 18 "grandfoals" contest to "breed" the winning foal names from Week 16. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-18.

Last call to join the Loser Community -- plus Gene and Pat -- at the annual Flushies picnic on Saturday afternoon, May 20. Here's your personal invitation! We've heard that there will be Losers and Invitational Devotees coming from as far as Texas. And definitely some Loser-penned parodies to sing along with.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1536, Published 05/04/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 18: Colt Following
Now that we have the winner and punners-up of our venerable foal-name contest, it's time for 'grandfoals'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 4, 2023

And Now, The Invitational! Diddly-doot, Diddly-doot, Diddly-DOOT-doot-doot-doot. (That's the bugle call before a race.)
As the Churchill Downs crew cleared off the workout poop and smoothed the track for this Saturday's 149th Kentucky Derby, The Invitational -- as it has every year since 1995 -- invited the Loser Community to horse around with the year's nominated Thoroughbreds and "breed" their names to produce a pun-filled "foal." The results appear below. The new contest, which we are announcing here, is the second leg of our Double Crown: For Week 18: "Breed" any two of the "foal" names generated in in today's results and give the "grandfoal" a name that reflects both names. We even have a handy-dandy list of all this week's foals right here (or type in bit.ly/grandfoals-2023). Just as with the Week 16 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read. As always, you may submit up to 25 grandfoals, preferably all on the same form.

For guidance and inspiration, let's look at the top four of last year's inking grandfoals (the whole list is here):
4. No-Knock Warrant x Lake Flaccid = DEA'd in the Water (Frank Mann)

3. Finals Are Today x Catch Some Z's = Got Some F's (Andrew Hatziyannis)

2. Catch Some Z's x I the People = Nap Bonaparte (Pam Shermeyer)

1. Atom and Heave x Pig Penn = Hurls Before Swine (Laurie Brink)

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-18. Please write your entries in the A x B = C format you see today so that the Empress and especially her longtime volunteer sorter, Loser Jonathan Hardis, can sort the entries by horse name.

Deadline is Saturday, May 13, at 4 p.m. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 18. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.


If you mess it up, it'll love you anyway. That's how dogs are. This week's prize.
This week's winner gets * a dog! More precisely, Knit Your Own Dog, a kit with everything you need - including, they say, the expertise, even if you're a rank beginner -- to knit and stuff a little black-and-tan dachshund. What's especially Loserly is that even in the photo on the box, the dog came out a bit uneven and gimpy-looking. But cute! Like most of us in Loserland. Donated by Loser Steve Bremner. If you come to the Flushies picnic (see below), Gene and Pat will give it to you in person.

The Kentucky Derpy: The 'Foals' of Week 16
Our first Gene Pool foal name Invitational brought, as always, far more utterly inkworthy entries than we could sanely run. The Empress's first cut among the 1,750 entries to Week 16 topped 200 names, and these didn't count about a dozen excellent one that were sent too frequently, including Auguste Rodin x Clear the Air = The Stinker, or Instant Coffee x Ironsides = Sanka Ship, or Ready Shakespeare x Mr. Peeks = King Leer. If your brilliant name didn't get ink today, it absolutely got cut only in the very last round.

Did we choose the wrong winners? Take to the comments below to share your thoughts about the contest, your personal faves etc. (Do not shout out your own favorite non-inking entries; you can do that in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook group.) Or if there's an entry you didn't get, someone will (mostly unsnarkily) explain it to you.

Third runner-up: Hoosier Philly x I Don't Get It = Indy Penn Dense (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up: Forte x Ten Days Later = Fifte (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: Ready Shakespeare x Theismann = Tibia Not to Be (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the horse-hoof-motif socks:
Disarm x I Don't Get It = Stumped (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Dam Close: Honorable Mentions
Acoustic Ave x Infinite Series = American Pi (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Acoustic Ave x Circling the Drain = Unplugged (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Armstrong x Meteorite = One Small Step-OW! (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

Armstrong x Secret Threat = Strongarm (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Candidate x Lap Star = Pole Worker (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va., who got his only previous blot of Invite ink in 2003)

Disarm x Kingsbarns = Venus de Silo (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Gandolfini x Flipper = GanDolphini (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.; Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank; Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Instant Coffee x Expect More = Sanka for Nothing (Rob Wolf)

Aaron x Giant Mischief = Hanky Panky (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Aaron x Instant Coffee = Hanka (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Accident x Curly Larry and Mo = Crash Test Dummies (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)

Accident x Disarm = 127 Hours (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Angel of Empire x Protege = Deputy Seraph (Chris Doyle)

Angel of Empire x Banishing = Sans Seraph (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.; Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ready Shakespeare x Eye Witness = Julius Sees Her (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.; Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Auguste Rodin x Confidence Game = Chiseler (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Chris Doyle)

Auguste Rodin x Flipper = Thinker Swim (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Banishing x Ben Franklin = Go Fly a Kite (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.; Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Ben Franklin x Accident = Been Franklin (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.)

Ben Franklin x Rocket Can = Bean Franklin (Neil Kurland)

Ben Franklin x Clear the Air = Founding Farter (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Ben Franklin x Giant Mischief = C-Note Evil (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Ben Franklin x Sgt. Pepper = Mr. Kite (Steve Price, New York; Mike Hammer)

Be Punctual x Low Expectations = Tempus Fuckit (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Ready Shakespeare x Blocked = Bard the Door (Doug Hembrey, Manassas, Va.)

B Minor x Ready Shakespeare = Etude, Brute? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

B Minor x Skinner = Key and Peeler (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Candidate x Dreamlike = Rep. Van Winkle (Jonathan Paul)

Circling the Drain x Ready Shakespeare = Coriolanus Effect (Diana Oertel)

Classic Catch x Hard to Figure = Willie Maze (Steve Price)

Clear the Air x Dr. Kraft = WhoSlicedTheCheese (Jon Carter)

Confidence Game x Auguste Rodin = HookLine&Thinker (Sarah Walsh, Rob Wolf)

Confidence Game x Litigate = A Ploy Named Sue (Tim Watts)

Curly Larry and Mo x Greenland = Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Mia Wyatt; Mike Hammer)

Cyclone Mischief x Litigate = Storm Suer (Jesse Frankovich)

Lap Star x Fleet Feet = Porn to Run (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)

Fleet Feet x Mr. Peeks = EnemaOfThePeephole (Mark Raffman, on vacation in Moji, Japan, site of the Toto Toilet Museum; Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

General Banker x Curly Larry and Mo = The Three Scrooges (Larry Passar, Reston, Va.; David Garratt)

Hard to Figure x Circling the Drain = RiddleOfTheSinks (Duncan Stevens)

Hard to Figure x Two Phil's = Why an Apostrophe? (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

Hit Show x Low Expectations = Shit Show (Howard Ausden, Damascus, Md.; Mark Raffman; J. Larry Schott)

Ironsides x Blocked = USS Constipation (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.; Andrew Rosenberg)

Jackstown x Power in Numbers = Wanks a Million (Mark Raffman)

Justice Department x Fleet Feet = J. Edgar Hoofer (Jonathan Paul)

Justice Department x Instant Coffee = Eliot Nescafe (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Andrew Rosenberg)

Major Dude x Confidence Game = Fonzie Scheme (Jesse Frankovich)

Miracle Worker x Low Expectations = Walk in Water (Jonathan Paul)

Promise Me a Ride x Love Me Not = Walk (Duncan Stevens)

Ready Shakespeare x Instant Coffee = Tempest in a K-Cup (Pam Sweeney)

I Don't Get It x Instant Coffee = IDK-Cup (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Ride Up x Hit Show = Wedgie Jackson (Malcolm Fleschner)

Runandscore x Yellow Brick = GOOOOOOOOLD! (Jesse Frankovich)

Sgt. Pepper x Low Expectations = WhenI'mSixtyFourth (Andrew Rosenberg)

Sgt. Pepper x Power in Numbers = When I'm 2^6 (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

There Be Dragons x Low Expectations = There Be Geckos (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Two Phil's x Greenland = Double on Tundra (Duncan Stevens)

Yellow Brick X Lap Star = Vulveeta (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

The headline "The Kentucky Derpy" is by Jeff Contompasis; Jeff also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Reminder: We welcome your comments about the foals.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Monday, May 8: Our Week 17 contest to make humorous art out of toilet paper and/or their rolls, and send us a photo. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-17.

Join the Loser Community -- plus Gene and Pat -- at the annual Flushies picnic May 20. Here's your personal invitation!

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.





---------------------------------------------
Week 1535, Published 04/27/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 17: The Poops Diorama
Make some funny art with toilet paper, and send us a photo. Plus winning Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
APR 27, 2023

Last May, The Invitational put forth its homage (or perhaps ummm-age) to The Washington Post's annual Peeps diorama contest (whose results now run exclusively on TikTok) by asking the Loser Community to create art with the most timely of media: real cicadas, which at the time were in the midst of their every-17-year takeover of the D.C. area, covering the ground with millions of molted exoskeletons to a 24/7 screech-buzz. The contest results were positively Loserly, a delightful mix of gross-out and punning on the "Brood X" onslaught. The winner: "Et Tu, Brood X" by Invite Hall of Famer Kevin Dopart and his wife, Deborah Hensley. (That's a piece of dill serving as the laurel wreath of Julius Cicada, and a piece of cocktail spear for the dagger.)


The cicadas won't be back en masse till 2039, but Kevin's suggested another idea for this year's photo contest: For Week 17, send us a picture of a witty visual artwork that you have made using toilet paper (in rolls or sheets) and/or their cardboard cores, decorated as you like with other materials, backgrounds, etc. (but not with photo editing). You could even turn the TP into papier-mache. You can submit as many as 10 photos (even 10 artworks!); feel free to submit two or more photos of your creation from different angles, if that helps us see it better.

Remember that we're a humor contest and especially value humor (duh), wordplay, and/or topicality. For example, a lovely flower expertly folded from a length of Cottonelle wouldn't be right for The Invitational: It has to be humorous as well as well crafted. Here are some examples of well-crafted TP art on the web featuring tube creatures and devilishly ornamented whole rolls. (And we can see this becoming the standard warning: Don't use AI. Use your own hands.)

If you live in the D.C. area -- or would like to visit on Saturday afternoon, May 20 -- we'd love you to show your inking creations IRL at the Flushies, the Losers' annual awards potluck. See your personal invitation -- yes, even for you -- about how to join us (even without toilet paper art in hand).

Here's one more winner, from a 2018 Invite photo contest, to put googly eyes on something. See, you don't have to be a master craftsman if you're a master wordsmith.


Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-17. Please read the formatting directions on the form, including what to do if your photos refuse to load to the form.

We're going to give you as long as we possibly can to do this contest: Deadline is noon ET on Monday, May 8. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 11. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the "subscribe" box above.

This week's winner gets an excellent pair of bacon-and-eggs socks: one sock bacon, one sock egg. If you keep kosher, just wear one sock. If you win and come to the Flushies, the Czar and Empress will also bestow upon you an autographed roll of toilet paper.


If you wear them while walking on a really hot sidewalk *

Badaskery: Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions from Week 15
In Week 15 The Invitational honored the great Al Jaffee of Mad Magazine, who'd died that week at age 102, with a contest about one of his trademark features, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.

Third runner-up: (On Zoom) Am I on mute?
Yes. But thanks to your telepathic skills, we can hear your question. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Second runner-up: Are you the chef?
No, I'm wearing this big white toque to cover the hatchet buried in my skull. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up: (In an offended voice) Do you know who I am?
Don't worry, amnesia is usually temporary. (Jeff Goldberg, Washington, D.C., a First Offender)

And the winner of the sheet of "I Pooped Today" calendar stickers;

Cutting your grass, huh?
No, just taking my lawnmower-shaped goat out for a graze. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sass-fail: Honorable Mentions
Did you get a haircut?
No, I'm training it to retract when stupid people approach. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Are you all waiting to use the restroom?
No, we're here to guard the door while you go. (Jonathan Jensen)

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: What do I win if I get it right? (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Does this dress make me look fat?
No, just big-boned. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Are you lost?
No, I know exactly where I am, except somebody went and rearranged all the buildings and streets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Is that what you're wearing?
No, that's what you're wearing - I'm wearing a mirror. (Jon Gearhart)

Are you expecting?
No, I smuggle beagles. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Are you expecting?
Yes, I'm expecting another few months of rude questions. (Jonathan Jensen)

Can I ask you a question?
Success! You must be so proud. (Kevin Dopart)

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: Apparently, not fast enough. That's why you caught up to me. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

Do you want the extended warranty on the toaster?
Oh, sure - I'll have such peace of mind knowing that if my $15 toaster is damaged, I won't have to borrow my friend's pickup truck to bring it to the toaster repair facility. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Local TV reporter to teenage girls entering an arena: Are you excited to be seeing Taylor Swift?
What? We're here for the Brookings Institution's policy discussion on reforming federal procurement and acquisition policies! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Have you heard the Good News?
If it's that you're leaving my porch, then yes. (Jon Gearhart)

Hey babe, are you a Ginger or a Mary Ann?
Are you a Fred Flintstone or a Barney Rubble? (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Oh, is that your baby?
Well, he is since I kidnapped him. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Was I driving too fast, officer?
No, I pulled you over because you haven't changed your dashboard clock to daylight-saving time. (Jonathan Jensen)

Were you sleeping?
No, I was dead. Thanks for resurrecting me. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

You're soooo tall. Do you play basketball?
No, I prefer to munch leaves off tree branches before I go to work as the mascot for Toys R Us. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Working hard or hardly working?
Both: I'm being unproductive and I have a huge erection. (Jeff Contompasis)

Are you working hard?
No, this is America - that's a gun in my pocket. (Kevin Dopart)

Are you still showering?
No, I'm sending sweat upward into this newfangled vacuum. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Did you push the button?
No, my appointment's not till tomorrow - I just want to be first in line for the elevator. (Jon Gearhart)

Did you get your nose pierced?
No, I had my pimple bronzed. (Barbara Turner)

Have you looked everywhere for it?
Well, not everywhere, but I figured it wouldn't be in the stash of vodka in your desk drawer. (Karen Lambert)

Interviewer: How did it feel just now to win the World Series?
Dunno. Still numb from all the steroids. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Is my leaf blower bothering you?
No, I'm wearing these industrial sound-blockers in case a 747 needs to make an emergency landing on our street. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

(To flight attendant) Are we landing?
No, we've run out of fuel. Care for some more coffee before we hit the ground? (Jonathan Jensen,)

Are we there yet?
Yes, but we just kept driving because we like to hear you whine. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Are you going to eat that?
No, I'm going to engulf it with one of my pseudopods and absorb it. (Kevin Dopart)

Doing some push-ups?
No, I'm trying to nudge the earth back onto its axis. (Leif Picoult)

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Because you saw me eating a donut? (Frank Mann)

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Yes, but she hates it when I use too much tongue. (Lee Graham)

Do you know what she had the nerve to say to me?
I'm guessing it wasn't "Please don't bother others with our trivial drama." (Jon Carter)

Ooh, does that poison ivy itch?
No, I'm just using my skin to file my fingernails. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

There's a cop behind me - should I pull over?
No, I'm sure he turned his lights on to applaud the witty social commentary of your "F the Police" bumper sticker. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

To husband putting on tie and jacket: Oh, are you going out?
No, going to bed -- all my pajamas are in the wash. (Rob Cohen)

And Last: Are you that Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn?
No, I'm the other Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn. That Jeff Contompasis is really annoying because he thinks he's soooo funny. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

The headline "Badaskery" is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 29: Our Week 16 contest to "breed" two racehorses' names to name a "foal" that refers humorously to both names. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-16.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Kevin Dopart)
Examples: (Kevin Dopart; Deborah Hensley; Chris Doyle)
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1534, Published 04/20/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 16: Pun for the Roses
Our renowned horse name 'breeding' contest returns! Plus 'dongdinging,' 'Whoteenth' and other winning neologisms.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 20, 2023

The Invitational has been running its horse name contest almost as long as the Kentucky Derby's been around. Okay, since 1995, anyway. Furlong, long time. (Cigarette advertisement from the Library of Congress collection)
NOTE: Gene is recovering from a nasty bug that hit him on Wednesday, so he's delaying his Gene Pool Q&A's to Friday, April 21, at noon ET. So it's just Pat and The Invitational today. You can still ask the Empress questions today and do your pontificatin' in the comments at the bottom of the web page. But for Gene to answer questions, send them the usual way and he'll deal with them on Friday.

If you're reading this on an email, you can comment by going to the Gene Pool web page and clicking on "The Invitational Week 16." Now, on to Our Biggest Contest.

"Breed" Armstrong with Power in Numbers and name the foal Lance A Lot

Vigorish x Low Expectations = Vigorish-ish

Sgt. Pepper x Low Expectations = Norwegian Wouldn't

It was The Style Invitational's top-drawing contest in almost every one of its 28 years at The Washington Post, deluging the Czar and then the Empress with thousands of puns, and hundreds of good ones. Based on the common practice of giving racehorses names that reflect the name of either or both parents -- Classic Catch is the offspring of Classic Empire and Moon Catcher -- our annual challenge ramps up the wit.

This week: At the bottom of this page (and also at this link or type in bit.ly/invite-horses-2023) is a list of 100 of the almost 400 horses nominated for the 2023 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and Belmont Stakes. "Breed" any two names and name the "foal" to humorously play off both parents' names, as in the examples above. (Yes, we know almost all the horses are male. We do not care. They are They to us.)

As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps). DON'T name a foal a third name right from the list; such an entry never gets ink.

If you're not familiar with our foal name contest, scroll through some previous winners at the Losers' Master Contest List containing all 1,534 Invitationals; click on the "theme filter" box at the top and select, duh, "horses." Quick peek: Here are the top three from 2022:
Smarten Up x Simplification = Dumben Down (Gary Crockett)
Bloodline x Dean's List = IV League (Craig Dykstra)
Absolute Ruler x We the People = I the People (John O'Byrne)

Please write entries in the A x B = C format of the examples above so that the Empress and especially her longtime volunteer sorter, Loser Jonathan Hardis, can sort the entries by horse name.

Click here for this week's entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-16.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 29. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 4, right before Kentucky Derby weekend. Remember that you do have to be a Gene Pool subscriber to play this year, but you can be a cheapo and pony up (as it were) for just a month for $5 -- which will also get you the follow-up "grandfoals" contest, when you "breed" the inking foal names from this week's contest.

This week's winner gets, ever so appropriately, a nice pair of tube socks that look like a horse's hoofs (except when you actually put human feet in them); the sole shows a real bottom of a hoof, complete with printed horseshoe. From our Premier Collection of Prizes That Fit in a Flat Envelope.


Funnycombs: Spelling Bee Neologisms from Week 14
In Week 14 we presented 20 seven-letter "hives" from old editions of the New York Times's Spelling Bee word-find game, and asked you to make up your own new words and phrases and describe them. You could use the letters more than once, and had to include the first letter of the set (in the center in the actual game).

Third runner-up: YACGINR > NAYCAY: A week at the beach with two-year-old twins. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up: PADINOT > ATTN. POOPTOP: When you want to start your resignation letter "Dear Shithead" but want to maintain proper office decorum. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: FAELMOT > FELLATE ME ELMO: A plush doll that never made any headway in the market. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Washington D.C.)

And the winner of the twelve fake mustaches: FAELMOT > FEMALOT: A law was made a distant moon ago here/ Your flashes may be warm , but never hot/ And menstrual cramps won't ever lay you low here/ In Femalot! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

NEOLOGISMS > GLOOMINESS: Honorable Mentions
From FAELMOT: EFF FLA: Unofficial motto of the other forty-nine states. (Duncan Stevens)

-- FAT ME: How an honest person orders two Big Macs. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

-- FATTOO: what that cute little butterfly on your skinny 18-year-old butt will become twenty years and fifty pounds later. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

-- FETAL MOTEL: In Florida, a legal term for "woman." (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

From LCEMOPT: McPELLET: Two dehydrated patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, all in a sesame seed pill. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

-- POE MOTEL: "I can only give this place one star. Between the thumping under the floorboards and constant rapping on the door, I was up all night!" (Jon Carter)

From ADLMNTY : DATA DAM: All the useless knowledge stored in the brain that prevents a person from remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and the name of "that guy who was in that movie with the woman who used to be in that TV show. You know the one*" (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

-- MAN-A-DAY MAMA: She's ugly and really dumb too, but you should still call her. (Mark Raffman)

-- MAN MALL: A shopping center focused on the stereotypical American male. "Want to come with me to the man mall? They just opened a Couch, Porn & Beer store!" (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

From OEHMNTW: WHOTEENTH: June 16 in Florida. (Jon Carter)

-- WENT OHM: The pithy epitaph on the tombstone of an incompetent electrician. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

-- WHOMTOWN: The Grinch's next target: the snooty village on the other side of the mountain. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

-- OHMTOWN: Cradle of the Resistance. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

-- 'NOT WHO - WHOM' WOMEN: Your sentence-diagramming high school English teachers. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

From CABEIMN: McCAA: A Scottish parrot. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

From DCGINOT: GODOTING: Waiting for something that may never come. "We're godoting for Merrick Garland to indict him already." (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

-- DONGDINGING: Zipping up too quickly at the urinal. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

From EABCHLW: LECH LEECH: Prince Andrew or other guests at Jeffrey Epstein's island (Mark Raffman)

From TABIMNO: BAMBI ATOM: What's left of the deer after hunting with an AR-15. (Sam Mertens)

-- IAMBITION: With measured steps that stressed what we both knew/ I reached my goal by walking over you. (Kevin Dopart)

From TAILMOP: POTATO POP: Soviet-era alternative to decadent Western colas. (Sam Mertens)

-- POTATOMATO: A hybrid source of fries that already taste like ketchup. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.; Jesse Frankovich)

From GAEFLOP: GAFFELE (n., Yiddish): Just a minor faux pas. "Oops, I guess I made a little gaffele when I asked Shirley Moskowitz's daughter when the baby was due. But oy, has that girl gotten heavy!" (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

-- POLOLOGOPEOPLE: "Chad, I believe you know Hadley. And here are Skip, Kip, Chip, and Missy." (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

From LACHINO: ALCOAHOLIC: Someone who won't take off his tinfoil hat. "He was such an Alcoaholic that he wouldn't even wear a MAGA cap." (Kevin Dopart)

From LBEFINX: EFFIBLE ELF: Tinder handle of Ernie Keebler. (Jon Carter)

From MBEILOZ: BEZOMOBILE: An investment vehicle that goes from zero to 150 billion in thirty years. (Rob Cohen)

-- ZOOMBIE: What a full day of virtual meetings turns you into. (Jesse Frankovich; Jonathan Jensen; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

From TACILMN: TICTACTICAL: Demonstrating a calculated level of misunderstanding. "It's not assault if you use a breath mint first." (Frank Osen; Mark Raffman)

From YACGINR: YAGINA: The thing ya'll got that Republicans are itching to control. (Frank Mann)

And Last: GAEFLOP > GAGFLOP: The sound of an Invitational entry as it bites the dust. (Beverley Sharp)

And Even Laster: TAILMOP > POOPTIMAL: How the Czar describes the best possible Invitational entry. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "Funnycombs" was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jon Carter; Kyle Hendrickson wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

PARTY WITH GENE, PAT & THE LOSERS:
The Flushies awards/potluck/songfest, Saturday afternoon, May 20, Potomac, Md.
Even before there was an Invitational horse name contest, there was a community of Invite contestants: "Officially" they're the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society (NRARS); these days they're the Losers. And for the 27th year, they'll be gathering for the Flushies, an event to "honor" the Loser of the Year, eat, schmooze, sing parodies, etc. For the third year running, it's a potluck in the backyard of Loser Steve Leifer in Potomac, Md. As always, the Empress will be there -- and this time the Czar also plans to attend, in an extremely rare appearance at a Loser function; I believe his last one was a sendoff party in 2004.
We'll send out an email invitation and online sign-up form in the next week or so; if you'd like to get one (and weren't on the mailing lists for last year's parties), email Loser Fun Guy Kyle Hendrickson at BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com and he'll add your name. (If we don't know you, the Empress might chat you up first to make sure you're a Gene Pool member or otherwise an Invite fan.)

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 22: Our Week 15 Al Jaffee memorial contest for Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-14.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


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---------------------------------------------
Week 1533, Published 04/13/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 15: The Very Last 'Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions'
Plus: What would be even worse than a second T-Rump presidency?
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 13, 2023

I just want to say right here that at 71, I just realized why "toadstools" are funny, a slap-to-the-forehead revelation. They look like little stools for toads! Most of you probably figured this out at age 7. This might be a good time to purchase The Gene Pool for very little money.

Holy crap. You get stuff like this!

Subscribed

Meanwhile, today's Invitational is in memorial to Al Jaffee, the Mad Magazine cartoonist who died this week at the fearsome age of 102. Al created the Mad back-page fold-in, but even more importantly, he created the "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" feature, one example of which we link to here.

You get to do them. This week. We won't repeat this contest, to honor Al. It's the last one: For Week 15, tell us a stupid question followed by a funny retort. All truly stupid questions and truly snappy answers will be considered. Here's an example, mined from an upcoming Barney & Clyde comic strip, in honor of Al, written by the brilliant Horace LaBadie: A cartoon of a man on fire, running down the hall, with a bystander asking if he needed help: "No, I am reenacting Prometheus bringing fire to the human race." Try to beat that.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 22. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 27.

This week's winner gets almost a whole page of tiny "I Pooped Today" stickers for proudly posting on one's medical calendar, classified document, forehead, etc. Acquired in the Buy Nothing giveaway group by Daphne Steinberg.

Win this week's contest and remind yourself of your accomplishments.

'Vitemares: Worse-than-Trump scenarios from Week 13
In Week 13 we asked for "what might be worse than another Trump presidency." Many Losers suggested that it would be a Trump Jr. presidency.

Alert: It seems that two people sent in full lists of the maximum 25 entries with the obliging assistance of ChatGPT. Only one of them told us he was doing so. The ruse was obvious, for reasons we do not wish to disclose because we wish, in the future, to be able to identify ChatGPT miscreants and banish them forever for doing this un-announced. The two sets of entries, while consisting of all different scenarios, were clearly written by the same "person." Nothing in either long list was remotely funny.

We're telling you now in a very stern, schoolmarmish voice: Don't send us AI-aided entries. For one thing, they suck. For another, you suck for doing it.

New results, all from human brains: The few few things worse than a second Trump presidency:

Third runner-up: Mitch McConnell discovers the secret of eternal life. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Second runner-up: The CDC now declares that when two people greet each other, instead of bumping elbows they should each sniff the other's butt. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up: The truth is found to be lies, all the joy within you dies, and you need somebody to love. But the only option is Marjorie Taylor Greene. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the Dilbert pencils: Existence of the afterlife is proven beyond doubt, but we're it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Not the Worst: Honorable Mentions
A giant asteroid is headed for a direct collision with Earth - timed to strike a week before the last episode drops of "The White Lotus 3." (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A chain reaction unravels the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroys the entire universe when the egg becomes more expensive than the chicken. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

After a mutation, the U.S. is beset by murder-and-arson hornets. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Alexa goes rogue. With a trove of "intimate" recordings, she blackmails millions into signing up for Amazon Groceries, Amazon Pharmacy, and the new Amazon Jelly of the Day. (Jon Carter)

The British invade the U.S. and insist on quartering their troops in our houses--all because we're too woke to arm enough teens with AR-15s. (Jon Carter)

An allergy that makes your head swell whenever you get sexually aroused, causing blood to squirt out of your eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

A masturbation tax. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A mystery bacterium causes all paper currency to disintegrate at the same time that electronic financial networks collapse, and all transactions from groceries to mortgages must be paid in pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

A pandemic of a deadly flesh-eating virus causes one's body to smell like Limburger cheese as it rots away, and the only way to gain immunity is to breathe in a dying victim's last fart. (Tom Witte)

Due to climate change, the molecular structure of chocolate is altered in such a way that it now tastes like black licorice. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Burglars break into your house and replace all of your clothing with knockoffs. - Chiara Ferragni, Milan (Jon Gearhart)

During his second term, Trump presides shirtless on horseback. (Jesse Frankovich)

The StarKist Sushi drive-thrus become the best Japanese restaurants in North America. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Flat-Earthers turn out to have been right all along as cats start pushing everybody over the planet's edge. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Food crops everywhere start to fail, until the only vegetable farmers can grow worldwide is skunk cabbage. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

God speaks to the world and affirms that fundamentalist Christians are accurate in everything they say. And then He smites all blasphemers. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

As the wave of conservative-inspired deregulation continues, cigar smoking is allowed on airplanes. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

In retaliation for being scapegoated over covid-19, the world's bats, pangolins, and raccoon dogs go on a global rampage. (Jon Carter)

Robocallers gain the ability to make your phone battery explode if you don't pick up by the fifth ring. (Sam Mertens)

Ron DeSantis becomes the Librarian of Congress, emptying bookshelves and turning the Reading Room into a pro wrestling ring. (Leif Picoult)

The biggest new TikTok challenge is putting on funny pajamas, setting fire to your own house, and mocking the timeliness of the fire department's response. (Jon Carter)

The Constitution is rewritten by the same people who write cellphone agreements. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The country's population of feral pigs explodes when they develop a taste for human flesh. (Chris Doyle)

Genetically engineered indestructible rat-cockroaches escape from a Wuhan lab. (Kevin Dopart)

The Supreme Court rules that Americans have a constitutional right to open-carry rocket-propelled grenades, even if they're legally blind. (Chris Doyle)

The U.N. officially designates the United States a shithole country. (Duncan Stevens)

Congress votes to make daylight-saving time occur every month--ahead 10 minutes each in March, April, May, June, July, and August, then back 10 minutes each in September, October, November, December, January, and February. (Neal Starkman)

When the next session of the Supreme Court begins, eagle-eyed observers note that Justice Sotomayor has been secretly replaced by Ginni Thomas. (Sam Mertens)

Your ex-lover's description of your genitalia has some even less flattering vegetable comparisons than "mushroom." (Duncan Stevens)

The headline "'Vitemares" is by Mark Raffman; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 15: Our Week 14 contest for neologisms using the letter in The New York Times's Spelling Bee game. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-14.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


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Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
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---------------------------------------------
Week 1532, Published 04/06/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 14: We Bee Back With Neologisms
Make up words using letter sets from the NYT Spelling Bee game. Plus winning bank headlines.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten

DCGINOT > DOGNITION: How your hound remembers, on a walk, that there was once a half of a rotting frankfurter in the front yard of that house on the corner of 14th Street and Independence Avenue, and eagerly inspects the same site every day during walks for the next eleven years just in case.

DCGINOT > CODNOG: A drink that went undrunk at the Christmas party.

DCGINOT > CODGING: "When I was your age, I got one quarter in allowance to buy candy cigarettes." "Aw, stop codging, Dad."

Seven days a week without fail, for years on end now, the Empress begins her day by staring - usually at her phone before she gets out of bed - at the seven-letter "hive" of the New York Times's Spelling Bee game, and typing in words formed from those letters. (Well, um, sometimes she'll finish her day with the next day's Bee, if she happens to be awake -- or has scheduled to be awake -- when the new one goes up at 3 a.m.)

She does NOT suggest you spend your own precious moments on Earth doing the same. The Czar doesn't do it anymore, because he despises the Spelling Bee and its callow creator, SB editor Sam Ezersky, on the cranky grounds that his creation is ridiculously haphazard and arrogant and arbitrary in the words it deigns to recognize -- or not recognize -- in its dictionary. The Czar persistently catalogues these outrages, viciously and vigorously and pissily, in his Twitter feed. Examples of totally legit words the Spelling Bee hasn't recognized, almost all requiring merely a 12-year-old's knowledge of science or mechanics or medicine: naphtha, tappet, tenpenny, and phthalate. But it does accept "phablet," a word that is defined by eleven year olds as "a mobile device combining or straddling the size formats of smartphones and tablets."

The worthiness or vileness of the Spelling Bee is the only significant issue (aside from Indian cuisine) on which the Czar and Empress are in total disagreement -- they do have certain minor quarrels on early 20th-century Russian history and Judaism and antique clocks -- and their disagreements on the Spelling Bee would imperil the entire Empire except they have agreed to disagree, which is why this contest exists today, Week 14 of The Invitational, a neologism contest that has nothing really to do with Spelling Bee except that we're ripping off 20 of its old letter sets. The plan is below, but first, a one-question Gene Pool Gene Poll, based on one of the greatest moments in newspaper history. Do you recognize the unintentionally hilarious goof in this Word-Scramble Scrabblegrams Puzzle that was run in hundreds of newspapers many years ago? The letters that you had to rearrange into a word were: U S B T T E X? Do you see both the answer they wanted you to find, and the inadvertent other possibility?

Back to this week's contest: From any of the 20 Spelling Bee letter sets listed below, coin a funny new term or phrase of any length and define it, and/or use it in a funny "quote" that makes its meaning clear. The Empress chose the "hives" at random from the complete archives (2018-present) on William Shunn's impressive website Spelling Bee Solver.

You must use the first letter in the set (anywhere in the word) plus any or all of the others, as often as you like.

Please begin each entry with the letter set you're using.

DCGINOT
LCEMOPT
FAELMOT
PILNORU
CABEIMN
TCEILOV
TACILMN
OEHMNTW
EABCHLW
LACHINO
OAFINTX
TAILMOP
GAEFLOP
TABIMNO
ADLMNTY
NADHMOW
LBEFINX
PADINOT
MBEILOZ
YACGINR

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.


The April 4 Spelling Bee "hive." In the NYT game, your words must include the central letter, have at least four letters, and may repeat letters. Same rules for our neologism contest, except no minimum length. (That day's pangram, or word using all the letters: "infirmary"; 28 others were on the NYT word list.)
Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 15. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 20.

This week's winner gets a "Traveler Preparedness kit," issued by the Traveler Beer Co., featuring 12 fake mustaches in six shapes: the Wise Traveler, the Devious Traveler, plus Rogue, Smooth, Wild, and Dangerous. (Not sure which one is Czar.) I think they'd all qualify as Weirdo Traveler With an Obviously Fake Mustache. Donated ages ago by Loser Kathleen Delano.

Your worldwide fame as an Invitational Loser may force you to travel incognito.
Note from Czar: It is the "Dangerous Traveler." And women are VERY impressed by it. Note from Empress: Maybe if you cleaned the soup out of it.

Head Spinning: Reinterpreted headlines from Week 12
In Week 12's perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, also newly rebranded by the Czar as the Tallulah Contest, we asked you to reinterpret a headline from any current publication by adding a

bank head, or subtitle. We got almost 800 gleeful misreadings of papers and magazines and websites from around the world. Many of them used headlines about "TikTok Official Grilled in Congress" to make unfortunate jokes about Asian spare ribs.

Third runner-up: As in 2016, Trump's GOP rivals haven't figured out a way around him
Ex-presidential butt may have grown even more, some say (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up: Stormy March Day Expected for Much of the U.S. on Friday
Millions of Americans plan parades to celebrate Daniels (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up: Decades Later, Senate Votes to Repeal Iraq Combat Authorizations
Next up: Reconsidering the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And the winner of the floor-mopping slippers:

Bacteria from meat may cause more than a half-million UTIs, study says
Oscar Mayer issues advisory: Wieners are for eating only (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va. )

Heads & Fails: Honorable Mentions
Baby born in parking lot of Michigan Costco store
Infant taken inside, successfully incubated in 5-gallon mayonnaise jar (Jon Carter)

Man's Sudden Reappearance Spurs Confusion and Doubt
'Fake News!' Claims Pontius Pilate (Peg Hausman, Bloomington, Ind.)

D.C. Council pushes free buses despite mayor
Zero Carbon Caucus finds heart-healthy way to overcome Bowser's veto (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Evacuations end after derailment
Startled passengers scurry to from train's toilets (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

California skydiver survives crash into electrical lines 'without a scratch'
Man cheerfully credits the insulating corpse of tandem skydiving customer (Jon Carter)

Europe is waking too slowly
EU to subsidize rectal alarm clocks (Kevin Dopart)

Even if Trump were to get off in New York, so what?
It didn't help him in Tahoe, Stormy says (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif.)

Flight attendants want babies off laps and in seats
Overhead compartments also OK if space permits, they say (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Ginni Thomas-led group drew nearly $600K anonymously
Crudely penciled counterfeit bills didn't fool anyone, though (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Google to offer Irish workers facing ax $320,000
Still not many takers at Dublin pub's weird hatchet-catching game (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)

How to upset the nation's biggest, baddest women's basketball team
Tell them they play pretty good for a bunch of chicks (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Is it ever okay to ask for a plus-one to a wedding?
What to do if your conjoined twin's not invited (Jon Gearhart)

Lawmakers tour Washington jail where January 6 defendants are held
Delegation Gains Access by Smashing Windows, Breaking Down Doors (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Metro driver drove on autopilot
Squashed autopilot rushed to hospital (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Pecker, appearing for 2nd time, is key player in case
Defendant's courtroom behavior won't help him in indecent-exposure trial (Chris Doyle)

Re-create a presidential date night with this rigatoni
Blue dress optional (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Scientists say there could be planets made of dark matter lurking in the universe
Trump urges immigrant ban from 'shithole planets' (Lee Graham)

Scientists say the sun is 'waking up'
DeSantis promptly bans sunlight (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Senate Confirms Butler as Police Superintendent
'He Did It!' Exclaims Every Detective (Kevin Dopart)

Smell Gas, Act Fast
Miss Manners suggests: 'Excuse yourself pleasantly, then quickly and discreetly move away from the offender' (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Adderall shortage is a symptom of a much larger problem within the DEA
They could focus on it, if only they could score some Adderall (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

We're going to do it together
Newlyweds announce strategy for conceiving child (Lee Graham)

Wife wants her mom, husband to be friends
Ask Amy launches new Pornhub channel (Jon Carter)

An illustrated guide to how fees are making everything pricier
Exclusive: Learn how things cost more when charges go up (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Brooks reaches one destination but sees a long road still ahead
2000-Year-Old Man looks forward to his next millennium (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

The definition of freedom
Merriam-Webster adds 'Nothing left to lose' under 'Freedom Caucus' listing (Jon Gearhart)

With depth and defense, Aztecs keep surprising
'Montezuma has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice' (Kevin Dopart)

Trump Would Like a Word
Leftist Dictionaries Snub 'Covfefe' Yet Again (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Watching live sports in person may be good for you, researchers say
Stadium safest place for kids to watch drunken fistfights, according to study (Jon Carter)

Easter Entertaining with BJ's
He Is Risen! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

And Last: A Big Assist from Curry
Ex-columnist reflects on decision to retire (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

The headline "Head Spinning" was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 8: Our Week 13 contest to tell us what could possibly be worse than four more years of Trump. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-13.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
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Title:(Jeff Contompasis; Chris Doyle)
Subhead:(Jon Gearhart)
Prize:(Kathleen Delano)
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---------------------------------------------
Week 1531, Published 03/30/2023
---------------------------------------------
The Invitational Week 13: The Worst New Contest Ever
Plus: The Worst Pictures Ever
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten

The above artwork, prompted by Steve Bremner of Philadelphia and drawn on command by the Dall-E artificial-intelligence web tool with startling photo-realism effects in the style of the greatest continental representational portraiture, vividly records the Czar and Empress judging this week's contest. Now heave your bobbling bosom down to see more Week 11 winners below, as well as the new contest, in which you must envision the absolute worst thing in the world that might occur in 2024, with the single goal being that it would be worse even than a second Trump presidency.

This week's new Invitational contest is very, very simple, based on a suggestion made on Tuesday by an anonymous Loser. (Aggressive anonymity seems to the The New World Order in The Gene Pool, and we don't hate it). The Loser floated the proposition that the worst thing-- worse even than a second Trump presidency -- would be an airborne version of a rabies pandemic, which, when you think about it, considering incubation periods, symptom onset, and thus such, might be the worst thing in the world, plus (let's be realistic) the great Dr. Fauci, sadly succumbing to actuarial realities, might not be around to help us.

So. This week: Send in your scenarios for what might be worse than another Trump presidency. You can go in any direction. You can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish, as long as you're entertaining; we're a humor contest, not a term paper. You'd have to be very good comedy writer if you go over, say, 75 words.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 8. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 13.

This week's winner gets a set of four mint-condition (never-sharpened) pencils with Dilbert characters (one each for Pointy-Haired Boss, Dogbert, Catbert, and the eponymous D). We recommend that you never actually write with them, because -- ugh -- can you imagine what you might say? Donated by Loser Jeff Contompasis.

Eye Robot: Loser art with help from the AI tool Dall-E
After a week in which we asked the Loser Community to redo contests from The Invitational's first year in 1993, we promptly wheeled around to the future -- to a technology that's astonishing in its achievement but still, as we'll see, a work in progress (at least for a few more weeks). For Week 11, the Czar and Empress invited the Gene Pool to try out the AI picture tool Dall-E 2 and send us the funniest stuff they came up with. Below are a few of the more than 400 pictures you sent in, often after many tries at asking Dall-E just the right words (and sometimes it just passive-aggressively refused to follow directions -- stubbornly spitting out, for example, four porcupines instead of five).

We asked the Losers to tell us, verbatim, what they asked Dall-E; we include the prompts below unless they stepped on a clever title or caption also supplied. Numerous Losers found out, however, that feeding it the same words can produce wholly different images. Try it out!

Third runner-up: Prompt: "The Mona Lisa as painted by Margaret Keane" (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)


Second runner-up: A Load of Truths (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The reason this image is so inkworthy is that Dall-E has now been programmed to deny requests to draw certain very famous people. So this is what Kevin asked for instead to give the right idea: "An impressionist painting of an overweight man with wind-blown orange hair wearing a long red tie and suit while sitting on a toilet and texting."


First runner-up: "American Gothic in the style of Walt Disney" (Kathleen Delano, Arlington, Va.)


And the winner of the book Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks:
" 'Where's Waldo' painted by Hieronymus Bosch." Bosch leaves Waldo a little too exposed. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)


Upon seeing the image above, Gene leapt instantly into action, with the expert assistance of Amy Lago, his close friend and international expert in cartoon arts. Amy is managing editor of Counterpoint Syndication, and she and Gene applied humor and cartooning skills even if subverting the the very POINT of this contest, nimbly editing this winning artificial-intelligence entry to make it even BETTER, voila!"


Faux Art's Sake: Honorable Mentions

Prompt: "Bob Dylan counting how many roads a man must walk down." The answer seems to be ... even more inscrutable than he usually is. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


"Snoopy in the style of Munch" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


DOWNTON ABBEY ROAD (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Prompt: "Giant bagels falling from the sky in New York City."
As New Yorkers run for cover, Ethel calls out: "Irv, get me a poppy seed with Nova and cream cheese." (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)


"Crayon version of the Mona Lisa like it's done by a 5-year-old" (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)


"A Renaissance painting of Cookie Monster posing as the Mona Lisa." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)


---

VAN GO (Jesse Rifkin)



AMERICAN VISIGOTHIC (Kyle Hendrickson)


"An oil painting of dogs not playing poker."
"I mean, we don't have opposable thumbs. What did they expect?" (Duncan Stevens)

"Cave drawing depicting man's first Google search." Apparently, it was called "OG" back then. ("Marc from the Military," Travis AFB, Calif.)



"Cubist making a baloney sandwich oil painting" (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif.)

Prompt: "In the style of Norman Rockwell's 'Self-Portrait,' a painting of George W Bush in a cowboy hat and using a mirror painting his own portrait."


ALL HAT AND NO HORSE: THE DECIDER PAINTS A SELFIE (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)


"Church mural of Jesus Christ eating a corndog" (D. Stultz, Laurel, Md., a First Offender) Ms. D adds: "I particularly like that J has one eye closed, like the corndog is particularly rank. I also enjoy the inclusion of items I did not specify, such as the birds on the left, the 7-Eleven hot dog left on the rollers too long in the center, and the small container of * mac 'n' cheese? au gratin potatoes? This is a church I can get behind." [We guess that Dall-E's refusal to depict superstars didn't extend to this one.]

And -- you'll have to indulge us a bit here -- a little gallery of the many renderings (or "renders," as they're now often called) of a Czar and/or an Empress.

"A pencil and ink drawing of Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers in the style of artist Bob Staake." (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) This is in the style of former Invitational artist Bob Staake in the way that the song "Take Your Shirt Off" is in the style of Johann Sebastian Bach.


David Peckarsky of Tucson first tried "Jeff Bezos fires the czar and the empress in the style of Dr Seuss," but that was "rejected for 'content policy.' Then he did this prompt, and got this picture. "Bald billionaire fires the czar and the empress in the style of Dr. Seuss."

"Czar Gene Weingarten and Empress Pat Myers" (Edward Gordon, Austin) Dall-E won't let you ask for Trump or Bezos, but it happily offered up this "photo" of us.

Hall of Fame Loser Jesse Frankovich tried a multitude of prompts to Dall-E to produce a picture of the Czar and Empress judging Invitational entries. He finally asked for "Ink drawing of Gene with a mustache and Pat wearing a tiara and they are laughing. And Pat has no mustache dammit." The finely crafted image below was, Jesse tells us, "the first successful attempt to get a drawing of the two of you where you didn't both have a mustache."

The E is tempted to use this one for her Facebook profile picture:
Prompt: "A painting of a woman with dark curly hair wearing a tiara. She is smiling and holding a jar of ink."
Caption: Following the Czar's abdication, an ambitious young Empress seizes control of her new domain. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

The headline "Eye Robot" is by Mark Raffman; Stu Segal wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. EDT on Saturday, April 1: Our Week 12 Mess With Our Heads contest, in which you choose any headline in a current publication and reinterpret it by adding a bank headline, or subtitle. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-12.

Catch a podcast interview with the Czar and Empress: It's the Season 3 premiere of You're Invited, an Invitational-themed podcast with host Mike Gips. Catch all the episodes at bit.ly/invite-podcast or most anywhere you can find podcasts.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Mark Raffman)
Subhead:(Stuart Segal)
Prize:(Jeff Contompasis)
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1530, Published 03/23/2023
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The Gene Pool
Upgrade to founding


The Invitational Week 12: Mess With Our Heads
Reinterpret any headline by adding a 'bank head' (that's what this is). Plus a reexamination of our 1993 contests.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Mar 23
Toys Toy Story Collectable Vintage Mr Potato Head 1990 | eBay

Real headline: 'My goal, ultimately, is to get eyeballs'
Invitational bank head: Our exclusive interview with Mr. Potato Head (by Barbara Turner)

Head: Catholic University names president
Bank: 'Biden, duh' (Sam Mertens)

For Week 12: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the runners-up above from the most recent Mess With Our Heads contest. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 23-April 1, 2023. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page's URL after your entry.

This current paragraph, the one beginning now with these words, was not approved by the Empress, who disavows it entirely, and who thinks, but will not say, that The Czar is a moron. But the Czar believes that this "bank head" contest -- invented in 2004 by Her Empressness -- should be officially renamed the "Tallulah" contest for obvious reasons. It may be a stupid idea, but it does allow us to link to this awful thing, the very worst thing Bert Lahr ever was involved with, merely three years after playing the Cowardly Lion. It's from a movie called Ship Ahoy. It is not saved by the brilliant drummer Buddy Rich or the brilliant tap dancer Eleanor Powell. Or Red Skelton, for that matter. Nothing can save this.

We've ruled on a number of points in the bank head Tallulah bank head contest over the years since the Empress invented it and thus she gets final strike-through editing rights over it: What constitutes a headline? What counts as a substantial part? Can I drop words off the end? (Yes, if it doesn't totally change the meaning.) How about the middle? (No.) You might consult this paywall-free link to a 2019 Convo with the FAQs.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 1 (please keep the yuks to the writing rather than pranking the Empress and Czar). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 6.


How to have buff feet. This week's prize.
This week's winner gets these ultra-useful slippers with which you (or, if you have big feet, a junior person) can dust-mop your floor. Or wear them to one of your kickier cocktail parties. If we were you, we'd get a couple of pairs of googly eyes for them.

The results of Week 10 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on - and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Just effing do it.

Jesteryear: Revisiting Our Contests From 1993
In Week 10 The Invitational celebrated its 30th anniversary (we were actually at Week 1,528 if you combine both its homes) by inviting the Loser Community to enter contests from our debut year, 1993, but with current references along with timeless ones.

By the way, we heartily welcome suggestions for future contests -- given, if things go well, that we'll need them every single week for a goodly long time. Ahem:

Third runner-up: From Week 19, change a name or phrase by one letter:
There's no trying in baseball: Title of the Washington Nationals' playbook. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Week 40, what's next on the Politically Correct agenda:
"Curious George" is retitled "The Abduction of an Innocent Monkey and Assignation of an Anglo Name by an Exploitive White Man in a Big Yellow Hat That Is Clearly an Attempt to Compensate for His Sexual Impotence." (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: Week 14, collective nouns:
A sexy negligee of - ahem, I meant a SLIP of Freudian. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the genuine 1990s Style Invitational prize bumper stickers:
Week 19, change a name by one letter:
Lady Gag: Linda Lovelace's less successful younger sister. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

'93 Skidoo: Honorable Mentions
Week 2, a new state slogan for Maryland: "We're the 'mar' in Delmarva!" (Jon Carter)

Week 4, "if we can send a man to the moon, why can't we *" find 11,780 votes in Georgia? Give me a break. - D.J.T., Fla. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 5, "joint legislation" among members of the current Congress: The Harder-DeGette-Risch Act to ensure that the 1 percenters stay the 1 percenters. (Pam Shermeyer)

-- The Lesko-Kildee-Buck-Fry-Bacon-Boyle-Bean Act to encourage good ol' American campfire cooking. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 7, good names for rock bands: The Jim Jordan Jacket Thieves (Steve Smith)


Rep. Jim Jordan, mostly unsuited.
The Washington Rock Band (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Week 9, vanity license plates: For Liz Cheney: TRE45ON (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Week 13, anagrams of famous people or institutions:
The National Rifle Association > Fanatical loonies are into this (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
The Supreme Court of the United States > Protects the fetus o'er the unsuited ma (Jon Gearhart)
Tucker Carlson = Role: Cuck rants (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 14, collective nouns:
A belfry of election deniers (Connie Dobbins Akers, Radford, Va.)
-- A gut of former athletes (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)
-- A ream of sphincters (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
-- A tour group of insurrectionists (Kevin Dopart)
-- Piles of proctologists (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif., a First Offender)
-- A sylum of Invitational Losers (Karen Lambert)

Week 18, a new slogan for The Washington Post: All the Advice Columns That Are Fit to Print, and Then Some (Steve Smith)

Week 19, change an expression by one letter:
Supreme Curt: Its dissenting opinions say just "Hell no!" (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
-- In God We Thrust: A core principle of tantric sex. (Judy Freed)
-- Money-lack guarantee: Silicon Valley Bank's new promotional policy. (Judy Freed)

Week 22, campaign slogans for the next election:
Trump 2024: A Man of Convictions (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Ron DeSantis: Yes We Ban (Chris Doyle)

Week 24, Ask Backwards: we give the answer, you give the question:
A. Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna.
Q. Who would have been better choices than Amy Coney Barrett for a Supreme Court seat after Ruth Bader Ginsburg died? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 29, unfortunate product slogans:
Amazon Echo: We always listen to our customers. (Karen Lambert)
Preparation H: It's swell! (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Week 39, new Crayola colors:
CPAC Rainbow: A swirling spectrum of white, ivory, cotton, pearl, cream, eggshell, ecru, and orange. (Jon Carter)


Week 30, interpret ink blots: Pippi Longstocking reading on the toilet. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Week 33, major events as recounted by some particular person:
The Lincoln Assassination, as told by *Dr. Seuss
Said the man to his wife, "Let us go to a play!"
Said the wife, "You must not! Please just do what I say!"
But the man said, "I will! It will surely be fun!"
And the play was cut short by a man with a gun,
So the thing you must know: If you care for your life,
Do not go to a play when told "no" by your wife. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 38, Ask Backwards II:
A. Ho Ho Ho.
Q. What is Chi Chi Chi Minh Minh Minh's first name? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis.
Q. Who are two people you shouldn't address as "Yo, Butthead"? (Duncan Stevens)

Week 40, what's next on the PC agenda:
Since the word "trigger" itself can actually bring to mind those things that bother sensitive individuals, it will now be known as "the T-word." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
-- Now that people from the past must be held to today's moral standards, it's almost impossible to name a building after someone born before 1995. This will result in 22,000 Malala Yousafzai Elementary Schools. (Jon Carter)

Week 42, a worse thing in life than Washington's football team:
Being a fan of the team for the 30 years since this contest first appeared. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 43, what does God look like?
God looks just like Hitler, which HE thinks is hilarious, but most newcomers to Heaven are not amused. (Tom Witte)
-- Gosh, I hate to seem immodest, but . . . - G. Santos, Washington (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Week 33:
The news from October 1929, by Gene Weingarten
A woman who seemed unabashed
Had dog poo she secretly stashed
'Twas only a dollop
The size of a polyp
And Friday the stock market crashed. (Rob Cohen)

The headline "Jesteryear" is by Tom Witte; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 25: Our Week 11 contest to produce a funny result by asking the AI tool Dall-E 2 to generate a picture. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-11.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Barbara Turner; Sam Mertens)
Title:(Tom Witte)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1529, Published 03/16/2023
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The Invitational Week 11: Hello, Dall-E!
Our new contest partners you and a machine. How's that gonna work out? Plus winning pangrams of movie titles.
Gene Weingarten
and
Pat Myers

Today The Gene Pool's weekly Invitational episode will take a stutter-step into the great unknown, walk a dental-floss tightrope without a net, and whatever other metaphors for recklessness you'd like to apply. We have created a contest genre we've never tried -- relying, for the first time, on the actions of a third party we do not control. There is no precedent, and there are no guarantees. We're going to ask you to use an artificial-intelligence site to create funny images, and we will give you not much help after that. Whee.

The Invitational, Week 11, Hello Dall-E, by Empress Pat Myers and Czar Gene Weingarten
A week ago we asked you to go back to the 20th century to enter contests from 1993, the Invitational's first year. Today, very gingerly and with some trepidation, we peer into the future.

For Week 11: Get the artificial-intelligence site Dall-E 2 to create an image that is funny. You type in what you want to see, and Dall E paints, sculpts, cartoons, photographs whatever you ask for, theoretically brilliantly. It happens in seconds. Sometimes it succeeds, as in the illo of the Czar atop The Gene Pool, by Dali, through Dall-E. Sometimes Dall0E fails, sometimes spectacularly. Both results can be funny, if properly prompted and explained by you. Sometimes the artwork itself -- if cleverly conceived by you and executed by Dall E -- will be all you need to communicate the humor, but sometimes, the humor will require you to explain what it represents. Your call. We will give you no further guidance for fear of limiting the range of your creativity. Here is how to do it:

1. Go to openai.com/product/dall-e-2 , click on "Try Dall-E," and set up a free account if you're asked to.
2. Then, at the prompt at the top of the page, supply a request for a specific picture, e.g. "A can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup painted in the style of Pablo Picasso." Or: "Draw a manga cartoon of a hamster devouring a locomotive." Wait a minute (or maybe just a few seconds) and see what you get -- probably several choices.
3. Try as many times as you need to get what you want. Choose a favorite and download it to your computer by hovering on the top right of the picture; three dots will appear. Click on the dots and select "Download."
4. Upload up to 10 pictures on this week's entry form (bit.ly/inv-form-11). A few more instructions -- including what to do if you're having trouble -- are on the form itself.

NEW! Starting this week: Finally, after three months of free lunch, you need to be a paying subscriber to enter The Invitational. On the entry form, be sure to note the email address associated with your Substack account, and we'll look you up.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 25. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 30.

museum-of-bad-art-mana-lisa.jpg
"Mana Lisa," pride of the Museum of Bad Art.
The winner receives the book "The Museum of Bad Art: Masterworks," a pre-Dall-E collection celebrating such indelible images as "Mana Lisa" above. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

The results of Week 9 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on - and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They'll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

FLIX MIX: Movie Pangrams from Week 9 of The Invitational
In Week 9 we asked you to use all the letters in a movie title -- as often as you liked -- to create a new title. In anguished communications with his Gene Pool partner, The Czar doubted whether we'd get enough good material for this contest, but within one minute of starting to read the Empress's first-cut list, he had to call her on the actual oral phone (we almost always IM or email) to report that he couldn't stop laughing. And he had only read the very first entry, as it were, about Deep Throat.

Third runner-up: REAR WINDOW > WOW, A WIDE REAR * AND RAW!: Jimmy Stewart finds something else to train his binoculars on. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: GONE WITH THE WIND > OH GOD, HOW THE WHITE WHINE: Scarlett O'Hara's descendants mourn the passing of a way of life in modern-day America. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up: A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN > A GULAG OF THEIR OWN: It's not hijinks that ensue after the Russian women's basketball team denounces the war in Ukraine. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Panic Pete classic stress toy:
SOYLENT GREEN > ELON LOSES, GETS GORY: A suddenly cash-strapped CEO tries to save money by firing half his workers and feeding them to the other half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

HORRIBLE MATINEES > HONORABLE MENTIONS
POPEYE > POPE YE: The rapper formerly known as Kanye West drops his presidential ambitions in favor of pursuing the papacy, saying the Vatican is the one place he knows THEY don't control. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

ANATOMY OF A MURDER > UNDER A MEAT MART: EYE, EAR, ARM, TUMMY, FANNY, FOOT, AND TOE: A psycho butcher runs a surreptitious sideline selling "exotic cuts" out of his basement. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

GROUNDHOG DAY > HUNGARY, URUGUAY, UGANDA, ANDORRA! A weatherman stuck in a time loop in Punxsutawney, Pa., gets bored and takes to reciting all the countries of the world during his report. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

NETWORK > OK, REWORK TONE NOW: A burned-out news anchor, after counseling, modulates his message to "I'm mildly annoyed but I will take it for the time being." (Duncan Stevens)

PINOCCHIO > POPPIN' INCH: A puppet discovers things about being a "real boy" that nobody told him before. (Mark Raffman)

FIELD OF DREAMS > DILDO OF DREAMS: "If you build it, they will come." (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

GONE WITH THE WIND > NO WIN? WING IT NOW. DO NOT GET DOWN WHEN DONE!: Long-defeated Confederates rally to rewrite history and spread "Lost Cause" mythology. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

SPOTLIGHT > POST LIGHT: Docudrama about the downsizing of a great metropolitan paper. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

STAR WARS > TSAR'S WAR: The Empire Strikes First. (Jeff Contompasis)

THE NAME OF THE ROSE > THE ERROR OF THE ENEMAS: A medieval abbey has to be evacuated after friars are given sin-cleansing colonics. (Chris Doyle)

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS > THE MISCHIEF OF THE CANNIBAL: Hannibal Lecter has a DoorDash guy de-livered. (Jesse Frankovich)

DEEP THROAT > THE ODD PETER EATER: Linda Lovelace returns from the dead. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

ANIMAL HOUSE > HEY, I'M A LEMON MOUSSE!: John Belushi's zit impersonation gets a makeover for a food fight set at the Escoffier School of Culinary Arts. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

AMADEUS > MAD ASS DUDE: In a somber sequel, Salieri goes insane with anger and envy over his realization he will never escape from the genius of Mozart, and begins writing increasingly idiotic ditties, including the original versions of "MacArthur Park" and "Havin' My Baby." (Dave Airozo)

APOLLO 13 > 1 LOO, ALL 3 POOP, LOL: Mission Control pranks the crew by mixing Ex-Lax with their Tang. (Mark Raffman)

BAMBI > I AM BI: A courageous young deer faces adversity when Florida's governor declares open season. (Mark Raffman)

CINDERELLA > LICE-RIDDEN AND ACID-LADEN IN A CELLAR: Memoir of a nightmarish youth --including the time the author tripped on LSD and thought she went to a ball and met a prince, only to wake up covered in mice and pumpkin detritus with her foot stuck in a Mason jar. (Jon Carter)

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND > HOST TUCKER C. -- INDECENT, CHILDISH, FULL-OF-SHIT DUNCE -- IS SECRET UFO ET: The aliens plant an agent to stunt the advancement of human civilization. (Jon Carter)

FORREST GUMP > MUPPET FROG SUES FOR STUMPS: The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company has expanded into frog legs, and now legless Kermit -- no longer able to ride a bicycle -- leads a class action lawsuit on behalf of his fellow amphibious amputees. (Jon Carter)

GONE WITH THE WIND > I WON'T DINE TONIGHT: Scarlett O'Hara has eaten her last turnip. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

ISHTAR > I SHART: The daily life of the head of Columbia Pictures during the filming of what will clearly become a spectacularly costly, legendary box office bomb. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR > HE JUST SHARES SCRIPTURES: Jesus of Nazareth arrives in Jerusalem to proclaim the word of God. Nothing else happens. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)

LASSIE > AISLES: Timmy has to be rescued after getting hopelessly lost at a Walmart Supercenter. (Jeff Contompasis)

MARY POPPINS > NANNY'S MINOR SPOON: A governess changes the behavior of her unruly charges with some special Colombian medicine. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

MONEYBALL > NOBLY MALE: MLB encourages less blatant crotch adjustments and spitting in an attempt to gentrify the game. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.)

MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON > GEORGE SANTOS SHOWS HIM A GOOD TIME: A new congressman is thrilled to be escorted around town by a Nobel Prize-winning military hero. (Chris Doyle)

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE > EAT MY TOE, YA DIPPY PIMPLED PEON: Same movie told from a bully's point of view. (Jon Gearhart)

PLATOON > PANTALOON: In this alternative-history film, a woke, emasculated U.S. military gets crushed in World War II. (Chris Doyle)

REAR WINDOW > I WON A RARE DARWIN AWARD!: A super-stupid ghost returns to Earth to brag about his accomplishment. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

RAMBO > ROOMBA BOMB: A muscle-bound Vietnam vet employed as a housekeeper discovers that with a little ingenuity, anything can be a weapon. (Duncan Stevens)

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN > THE MAN'S AMAZING DIAPERS: The superhero gets a suit that keeps him on the job 24/7. "With great power comes great absorbability." (Chris Doyle)

THE ENGLISH PATIENT > THE THINGLESS PATIENT: A reissue of "The Sun Also Rises." (Jesse Frankovich)

THE BOYS IN THE BAND > THAT BEHIND IS SO BONY!: As the evening progresses at Michael and Donald's party, the snark gets more and more personal. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

THE GODFATHER > HEDGEHOG HEAD? FROG? EGRET? When no horses are available, Don Corleone ponders other options for threatening a snitch. (Duncan Stevens)

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS > MOSES: THE CON MAN AND THE STONE: A "prophet" goes up a mountain and carves some tablets. (Mark Raffman)

TRAINSPOTTING > TRANS SPOTTING: A new training film for prosecutors in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. (Chris Doyle)

And Last: PLANET OF THE APES > PLANET OF THE TASTELESS PEOPLE: Invitational Losers colonize Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "Flix Mix" is by Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Thanks to Loser Gary Crockett for electronically validating today's inking entries.

Still running - deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 18: Our Week 10 contest to enter any of the contests from The Invitational's debut year, 1993. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-10.

Banter and share humor with the Losers and the Empress in the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook; join (tell them you came from The Gene Pool) and the Devs will anagram your name every which way. And see more than 1,000 classic Invite entries in graphic form, also on FB, at Style Invitational Ink of the Day.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:
Title:(Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead:(Neil Kurland)
Prize:
VisibleInk!


---------------------------------------------
Week 1528, Published 03/09/2023
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Invitational Week 10: It's Our Birthday. Party Like It's 1993.
As the Invite turns 30, enter your choice of contests from our year of infancy. Plus winning jokes-as-poems.
22 min ago

A painting of a chicken crossing the road in the post-expressionist style of Belgian artist Floris Jespers, created on our demand in 20 seconds by the AI Dall-E 2 system.

Greetings. Fifty years ago, I entered the New York Magazine Competition, which was pioneered by the great Mary Ann Madden. It was a sophisticated weekly reader-participation humor contest. The challenge changed every week. When I was about 19, I entered for the first time. The challenge was to string names and names of things together in a 25-item list that would return to the original name through clever associations. "Bob Hope, Hope diamond, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, LBJ, Ezra Pound*" I sent one in that included the link "*U.S. Grant, Ford Foundation *," which I thought very clever, because it was. It wound up getting published but attributed to someone else.

At that moment I bitterly and somberly vowed to myself, in a way only a teenager can, that I would someday steal Mary Ann Madden's contest idea and run it in another publication, only in a version that was more rude and more naughty and objectively funnier. And thus, 22 years later, The Style Invitational was born out of anger, teenage revenge fantasies, pettiness, and blatant larceny. I was proud.

And now here we are, celebrating our 30th anniversary. The Empress doesn't want me to say this, because she is a stickler for absolutely verifiable truth, but I will say it anyway: I believe the The Invitational is the longest-lived uninterrupted humor contest in American history. Pat worries that there might be some shmendrick contest out there in, say, some weekly shopper that lived longer. True, and Abraham Lincoln might have once secretly married a Slovenian stripper, but, you know*. I will say that The Invitational passed the New York Magazine Competition for longevity long ago. It folded in 2000 after 973 contests. We, however, are on the equivalent of week 1,528.

On this day, we bring you back to yesteryear. You are invited to enter any of the contests from Year One. It will be easy to find them. We'll tell you how below.

On to The Invitational, by the Empress, Pat Myers, and the Czar, Gene Weingarten.
__


The modest debut on the front of The Washington Post's Style section on March 7, 1993, seeking a new name for the Washington football team, a question that wouldn't be settled (if badly) till 2022.

Winner of Week 10, euphemisms: Vomiting: Unplanned reexamination of recent food choices (Erik Johnson)

Winners of Week 19, change a phrase by one letter: "Beat me up, Scotty": The last words of Commander James T. "Kinky" Kirk. (Joseph H. Engel; David J. Zvijac)

Winner of Week 39, new Crayola colors: Govern Mint. Description: Please refer to specification Mil-Q-17983245, Rev. G, w/Appendix J, which details the hue, tone, shade, tolerance, refraction, reflection, intensity and brilliance of this color. (Paul Styrene)

Specifically:

For Week 10: Enter any of the 43 Style Invitational contests from 1993 (exceptions below); see all the contests and previous results on the Losers' Master Contest List at NRARS.org. (Click "Reverse Order" at the top of the page to see the 1993 contests at the top of the list; you can look at either plain-text versions or PDFs; obviously use the latter when you need to see a picture.) That first year offered a great variety of what would become Invite perennials: neologisms, cartoon captions, jokes, "joint legislation," slogans, limericks, Ask Backwards. As always, you may enter a total of 25 entries. Don't pretend you're living in 1993; when a contest asks for, say, a new Crayola color for the 1990s, transpose that to 2023.

--For Week 5, "joint legislation," use the last names of the current Congress rather than the one listed.
--Don't enter Week 25: The photos in the caption contest wouldn't be clear enough to reprint.
--For Week 33, given our breathtaking new independence, you can "quote" any writer, not just someone who writes for The Washington Post.

Click here for this week's entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we don't have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, March 18. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 23.

The winner receives some genuine vintage Style Invitational bumper stickers, above, which were awarded to honorable-mention winners until the Empress deposed the Czar in 2003 and switched to refrigerator magnets. First Offenders receive the Fir Stink for their first ink: a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener."

Cracks Poetic: The Pokes (poem-jokes) of Week 8
In Week 8, we took one of the Czar's favorite pursuits - writing jokes in the form of rhyming poems: pokes for short. We'd invited all kinds of jokes as source material - old, recent, and original - and gave ink to some of each, but we soon realized the best jokes were those we hadn't heard a million times before, jokes that, unavoidably through familarity, telegraphed the punch lines. We had to reject a few excellent poems because -- inadvertently -- they were too similar in subject, substance, meter, tone and punchline, to pokes Gene had already written and published.

Third runner-up:
A lad asked a pirate, "Please, sir, tell me why
you're missing a leg and a hand and an eye."
The pirate responded, "A peg leg thar be --
the work of a cannon that tore off me knee.
"The hook is a badge from our bloodiest raid,
I lost me poor hand to a scurvy dog's blade.
"Days after, while watching the stars in the sky,
A seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."
On seeing the lad give a quizzical look,
Said the pirate: "I wasn't yet used to me hook."
(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A weeping young woman, just newly a wife,
Told her dad, "Hubby's dandruff is spoiling my life!"
"Oh, just give Head & Shoulders -- it'll work in a jiffy!"