ALL INVITATIONAL TEXT This file contains all text from the archives, which you can search. If your search fails and you think it's our error, kindly advise. The Empress has noted in the Style Conversational that "you can search for anything throughout [this] whole document and if your term is there, you’ll see it highlighted in color. There’s just one drawback to it: The file can take a long time to load on a computer. . . . [T]here’s an easy fix, at least if you’re using Chrome (don’t know how this works on other browsers, but I assume it’s similar). . . . If you right-click anywhere on [this] file, you can “Save as …” a text file that’s downloaded to your computer. Because it doesn’t have to keep “talking” to the Internet, the loading and search will work much faster, either as a plain-text file (in Notepad) or as a document in Word. ====================================================================== WEEK 1, published March 7, 1993 Week 1: SHEDDING THE SKINS? Now that change is coming anyway to the Redskins, dare we at last consider The Big Question? Should the team change its name? There are two valid sides to this issue. Side One: Tradition. The name is venerable. If you change it, much plastic and polyester merchandise instantly would become obsolete. Side Two: Race libel. The name is brutishly demeaning to an ethnic group that has been indiscriminately plundered for centuries. It defines a proud and accomplished people by the single characteristic of the pigmentation of their skin. Being typical pandering journalists, we take no position ourselves. We merely suspect the Redskin name is doomed, and when that occurs, we wish to be ready with an alternative. So give us one. Come up with a new name for the team. Entries will be judged on humor, originality, and appopriateness to Washington. Here are two examples: The Washington Rotundas. The Washington GS-11. Get the idea? Send your entries by letter or postcard to The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Entries must be postmarked on or before Thursday, March 11. Include your phone number. The first-prize winner gets an elegant Timex "Ironman Triathlon" digital watch, valued at $39. Winners and runners-up will be announced in two weeks. Washington Post employees and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. No purchase necessary. ====================================================================== WEEK 2, published March 14, 1993 WEEK 2 Lately, there has been a bit of a stink over the state motto of Maryland: "Fatti Maschii. Parole Femine." We could not understand what all the fuss was about, unless possibly it was insensitive to overweight individuals or incarcerated women. Then someone pointed out that this was in Latin, and translated it for us. "Manly Deeds, Womanly Words." What is that supposed to mean? Is it as condescending as it sounds? Is it just stupid? Clearly, Maryland needs a new motto, a multi-purpose slogan suitable for placement on a state seal or a license plate. Something grand, something that embodies the full bodacious majesty of the state. Something like . . . Let's see. We'll come up with an idea any minute now. Hang on, we need to consult an Almanac or something. Okay, here we go: "Maryland: Where John Wilkes Booth got his broken leg splinted" No, wait, how about: "Maryland: A Proud Part of the I-95 Corridor" "Maryland: The Keno State" "Maryland: Not at All Ashamed of Our Governor" "Maryland: Its Second-Largest City Is Rockville" or, for a faux Latin motto: Fatti Governor, Parole Ex-Governors Or, Forti Tamperi ("Power Corrupts") You can do better than these, right? Mail your slogans by letter or postcard to "The Style Invitational, Week 2", The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Include your phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. Entries will be judged on humor and originality. The first-prize winner will get a huge, tasteless Maryland crab-motif cheezy souvenir ("Maryland: America's Second-Largest Producer of Vulgar Crustacean-Based Ornamental Objects"), an approximate $50 value. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. Entries must arrive on or before Friday, March 19. Next Week: The results of Style Invitational, Week 1. A boffo new name for the Redskins. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. No purchase necessary. ====================================================================== WEEK 3, published March 21, 1993 Week 3: A Statue of Limitations Washington has statues out the wazoo. Some are of presidents, some are of military leaders, some are of obscure pathetic has-beens. The idea here is to come up with a concept for a statue of someone -- anyone, dead or alive -- who doesn't currently have one. You don't have to draw it, you just need to describe it: You may include details of the pose, but you must include an inscription or quotation for the pedestal. Just about anyone will do: Nixon, Haldeman, Kornheiser, Riggins, Ling-Ling, The Energizer Bunny, you know. Anyone. First-prize winner will get a framed original drawing of his concept, signed and inscribed by famed "Style Invitational" cartoonist by Marc Rosenthal (a $45,000 value once "The Style Invitational" catapults Mr. Rosenthal to the fawning international fame he deserves). Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" Loser's T-shirt. As always, entries will be judged on humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 3, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, March 29. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes. Week 1 Results: A New Name for the Redskins Let us first note that the single best new name we received, a name so hip and clever that it should be the new name for the Redskins, is "The Washington Clout," submitted by Hank Wallace of Washington. Let us also note that Mr. Wallace did not win our contest. He does not get the elegant Timex Triathlon digital watch, nor does he get the coveted runner-up "Loser" T-shirt. He gets squat. Sorry, Hank. We wanted "funny," and you gave us "good." We trust you will not make that mistake again. This contest is satire. Good is not good enough. Most hackneyed entries: The Washington Monuments, followed closely by the Gridlocks, the Cookies (get it?), the Red Inks, the Red Tapes, the Pigskins and the PAC-men. Roughly a quarter of the 346 entries came up with one of these gems. Now here's an original idea: Keep the name Redskins, but change the logo from an Indian to a potato! You were proud of that concept, all 23 of you who thought of it. Best proposal to keep the "Skins" nickname: The Washington Rumpelstiltskins, by Edwin J.Hughes, Laurel. Classiest entry: "The Washington L'Enfant Terribles," by Bonnie Tyler, of Washington. Best Idea requiring elaborate explanation: "The Washington (your name here)." The name would change yearly, depending on which ego-diseased free agent the team is courting. This year, it would be "The Washington Reggies." John P. Gudas, Annapolis. AND NOW, THE WINNERS: Fifth Runner-Up: "The Washington Homicide Capitols," by Karin Schmerler, Washington. Fourth Runner-Up: "The Washington Embittered Food-Service Workers," by Bradley Fisher, Rockville. Third Runners-Up: "The Washington Senior Officials" and "The Washington Kickbacks," Dan Creel, Rockville. Second Runner-Up: "The Washington Unindicted Co-Conspirators," by Charles Dean Layman, Silver Spring. First Runner-Up: "The Washington Irvings," by E. Stanley Murphy, Charlottesville. AND THE WINNER OF THE WATCH: "The Baltimore Redskins" (No, don't move the team, just change the name. Let Baltimore worry about it). Douglas R. Miller, Arlington. ====================================================================== WEEK 4, published March 28, 1993 Week 4. This week, a gripe-fest about modernity and other irritations. Complete this sentence: "If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we ... " 1. Get him to leave the seat down. 2. Prevent unwanted ear-hair growth. 3. Put a woman on the moon. 4. Brown a chicken in a microwave. Got it? Entries will be judged, as always, on humor and originality. First-prize winner will get a toaster, a neat old one that looks like it came from Alice Kramden's kitchen (a value of about $60). Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt just as soon as we finish designing them. Send your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 4, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, April 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 2: A New Motto for Maryland. Here we were at the famed Style Invitational executive treehouse, fussing and fretting because your entries for a new Maryland state motto were so smart there seemed to be no pathetic boneheads out there to make fun of this week. But then, just as we were about to go to press without a trace of the infantile, snide attitude you have come to demand of us, the Maryland General Assembly came through big time. They decided to confront the embarrassing issue of Maryland's chauvinistic state motto (Fatti Maschii, Parole Femine -- Manly Deeds, Womanly Words) not by rewriting it, as we asked you to do, but by re-translating it. (Strong Deeds, Gentle Words.) This is like finding a cure for cancer by changing its name to "mumps." Imagine the possibilities for this kind of bold civic activism: Good news, folks -- there are no more homeless people in America! From now on, they shall be called "Residents of the Asphalt Motel." You showed no such timidity. Your 400-plus submissions fairly throbbed with cynicism. Boy are you guys mean-spirited. You made us so proud, we wept bile. Without further ado, we present the winners. And to the courageous legislators in Annapolis, we offer this cheerful Latin salute: Ars Infantus, Ars Bandeus ("Run These Babies Up Your Flagpole"). Fifth Runner-Up: Maryland: Home of Its Residents. (Teal Ferguson, Bethesda) Fourth Runner-Up: You Have a Problem in Maryland. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village, Md.) Third Runner-Up: Maryland: We've Got Wonder Woman in Here. (Brendan J. Murray, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: In Hoc Quid Mihi (What's in It for Me?) (Jon Katz, Rockville) First Runner-Up: Maryland: Please Pardon the Inconvenience. (Catherine Barrier, Annapolis) And Winner of the Crustacean-Motif Souvenir Monstrosity: Maryland: Wait, We Can Explain ... (Oslo, Alexandria) And Honorable Mentions: Maryland: Birthplace of Garry Moore, Hans Conried, Mona Freeman and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Father-in-Law. (Beverly A. Barth, Edmonston, Md.) Maryland: Phonically Incorrect. Stephanie Weldon, Silver Spring. Maryland: Some of Our Road Signs Do Not Feature Our Governor's Name. Also, Maryland: Home of the Most Baffling Interstate Sign: "North East Next Right." N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria. Maryland: It Looks Better in the Dark. Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village. Maryland: Wider Than It Is Tall. Also, Where the Motto Comes First: Maryland. Oslo, Alexandria. Maryland: Where the Magnificent Chesapeake Trickles Down to a Stinking Mud Flat. Ian Ories, Arlington. Viri Maschii Feminae Femine (Manly Men, Womanly Women.) Nick Dierman, Potomac. Maryland: YOU Figure It Out. Also, Maryland: Our Rest Stops Feature the Latest in Video Game Technology Christine Eames, Fairfax. Maryland: Where the Area Code Is Always 301, Unless It's 410. Carol Rodowskas, Silver Spring. Maryland: Never Been There. Deborah Houy, Boulder, Colo. Next week: A new monument for Washington. ====================================================================== WEEK 5, published April 4, 1993 Week 5: There Ought to Be a Law ... 1. The Lott-Akaka Sewage Treatment Act 2. The Lugar-Kildee-Mann Gun Control Law 3. The Tanner-Hyde Spousal Abuse Amendment 4. The Rose-Royce-Carr Automobile Lemon Law This week's contest: Invent a creative piece of legislation based on skillfully juxtaposed names of actual U.S. senators and representatives. (The names are on a list at the bottom of this page.) As befits the dignity of the subject matter, the first-prize winner will receive an elegant assortment of practical-joke devices, including but not limited to 1 (one) whoopee cushion and 1 (one) squirting lapel flower, as well as other novelty prank items too revolting to be enumerated here. Runners-up will receive the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirt. As always, entries will be judged on humor and originality. Fax them to 202-334-4312, or mail them to The Style Invitational, Week 5, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Include your address and phone number. Entries must be received by Monday, April 12. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 3, in which you were asked to come up with a new monument for Washington. Ahem. The Style Invitational is not a whetstone for political axes. Typical losing entry: "Okay, so it's a statue of Nixon, looking really smug. Around his feet are DEAD and DISMEMBERED Cambodian BABIES, with ... " Nonono. We value funny. Funny and clever. Like the Tomb Of The Unknown Uncle, submitted by Bob Zane of Woodbridge. It depicts a congenial man, extending a hand. Inscription: "Pull my finger." This would have been a runner-up, except Bob also won first prize (see below), and we need to maintain not only the pretense of evenhandedness, but the illusion of abundance. Why, we have so many brilliant entries, we can discard the best of them willy-nilly! So, sorry. No T-shirt for Bob. And now, the winners: Fourth Runner-Up: The Foreign Head of State Statue: The body stays the same. You change the head with each new head of state visiting town. (John Re, Springfield, and Mischeline Toussant, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: A Man Without a Face, at a desk, speaking furtively into the telephone. Inscription: "The Anonymous Source at Work." (Art Brodsky, Olney) Second Runner-Up: The Marion Barry Statue. His trousers lower every minute, then snap back up. Modifying an old Barry political slogan, the inscription reads: "Up With Hope, Down With Dope My Pants." (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) First Runner-Up: A Sign, to be hung on the real Al Gore: "Not a Statue. Don't Paint." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) And Winner of the signed and framed Style Invitational cartoon: The Dan Quayle Statue. Inscription: "Goodbye? WHERE IS EVERYBODY GOING?" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) The honorable mentions: The Andy Warhol Statue, a six-cubic-yard block of silly putty to be molded into the visage of the person whose news coverage the previous week exceeded the Warhol Index by the greatest magnitude. The inscription is whatever is in the boldest print on the first piece of trash removed from the closest garbage can. (Bruce Fraser, Rockville) The J. Edgar Hoover Statue, in a low-cut red dress. Inscription: "I have the goods on you." (William T. Smith, Vienna) The Roman Hruska Statue, inscribed with a real quote from the former senator: "Even if [the nominee] is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they?" (Lenore C. Garon, Falls Church) The Oliver North Statue. Inscription: Simper Fi. (Sylvia Phillips, Ashburn, Va.) The Pork Barrel Statue. A barrel, and a pig. Inscription: "B-dee b-dee b-dee, that's not all, folks." (David Templeton, Oakton) The Pierre L'Enfant Statue: It would rotate in a counterclockwise direction, while its head rotated 85 degrees in a clockwise direction, snapping back to face forward again every few seconds. For the most part it will be engaged in spinning to its left while it incessantly looks over its right shoulder. Inscription: "Round and round we go ... " It must be placed on a triangular city block where no one can find it. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) The Hermann Rorschach Statue. Inscription: "What does this remind you of?" (Sigh. Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And last: The Richard Nixon Statue, to be placed in front of the Watergate Hotel, beckoning travelers. Inscription: "We'll leave the light on." (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) ====================================================================== WEEK 6, published April 11, 1993 Week 6: Putting Words in Their Mouths This week's contest: In 40 words or less, write a caption for either of these two generic cartoons drawn by famed Style Invitational artist Marc Rosenthal, just back from his triumphant two-man show in New York with Henri Matisse. Examples: Picture A: 1. It was an embarrassing situation all around. Leonard had wished for his his wife "to become an animal in bed," but the Genie of the Box had somehow, tragically, misunderstood. 2. Only after long stares had been exchanged, after eyes had been locked onto, after gazes had burned in, did the box realize it could no longer trust either the dog or the man. Picture B: 1. "That Wayne, he always had to be different, and it drove Murray crazy. How many times did he have to tell him? 'Siamese twins joined at the buttocks always wear the same number of boxes on their heads.' " 2. Marvin was furious. The haberdasher had assured him the hat was "unique." First-prize winner will receive a huge genuine two-carat cruddy diamond, a value of nearly $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt and a festive box of Peeps. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 6, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, April 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in two weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week Four, in which we asked you to complete this sentence: "If We Can Put a Man on the Moon, Why Can't We ... " First, a little experiment. Stick your index finger in your mouth (or, if you prefer, someone else's mouth). Now place your finger on this big black heart here: <, which symbolizes our goodwill toward you. Now rub your finger in widening circles on the page. Now look at your finger. Hahahaha. What a dope you are. Don't you know that newspaper ink rubs off like a bad habit? Dozens of you came up with this as your biggest gripe. Rest assured, we'll get right on it, just as soon as the troubled newspaper industry coughs up a billion dollars for research, and Gumby-shaped life forms are discovered on Io, the fifth moon of Jupiter. Secondly, we wish to report that there seems to be a teensy bit of anti-male hostility out there, judging from the identical entries from more than 100 different women, saying, "If we can send a man to the moon, why can't we SEND THEM ALL THERE?" The answer: Because then who would judge the Style Invitational? Girls???? Ahem. The winners: Fifth Runner-Up: " ... Pass on first down?" (Charles E. Brunswick, Springfield) Fourth Runner-Up: " ... Find a cure for posterior cleavage?" (Robert Zane, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: " ... Figure out how to walk a cat?" (Stuart Segal, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: " ... Offer sea monkeys as a low-fat alternative to chicken?" (Rich Stone, Washington) First Runner-Up: " ... Put an end to the tragic heartbreak of involuntary 'nose whistle'?" (Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the vintage toaster: " ... Remember why we did it?" (Geri, Tom and Heidi Klitsch, Wheaton) Honorable Mentions: " ... Colonize the sun?" (Chuck Rainville, Baltimore) " ... Make a traffic light that lets you go when it knows there's no reasonble expectation that a vehicle will come from the other direction in your grandmother's lifetime?" (Phil Clutts, Silver Spring) " ... Put toilets in cars?" (Gynny Katon, Rockville) " ... Just collect the rocks on Earth?" (Papan Devani, Arlington) " ... Have driver's licenses that renew themselves?" (Frances C. McCormick, Bartlett, Ohio) " ... Unwrap CDs without needing an engineering degree?" (Bonita Boyle Cote, Gaithersburg) " ... Design a toilet and shower that can live in harmony?" (Daniel J. Berkowitz, Washington) And last: " ... Rise above griping for toasters?" (Christine Worthen Eames, Fairfax) Next Week: There Oughta Be A Law. ====================================================================== WEEK 7, published April 18, 1993 Week 7: Beat the Bands "My Dad Is Dead" "Jason's Gay Haircut" "Men Without Underwear" "Half Man Half Biscuit" "Trotsky Ice Pick" This week's contest: Once, rock band names were wholesome if dippy ("Vinnie Delpupo and the Del-Tonics"). Then they became self-consciously cute ("The Raspberry Pillow"). Finally, a few years ago, they began getting intriguingly bizarre. Seditious. Obnoxious. Idiotic, yet somehow strangely ... idiotic. Every name above belongs to a real band. But you can come up with better ones, can't you? Go ahead, weird us out. First-prize winner will receive a selection of really obscure tapes by real groups with infantile names, a value of nearly $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 7, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 5, in which you were invited to come up with funny federal legislation based on the real names of congresspersons. We at the Style Invitational are nothing if not arrogant. For example, we are outraged that Columbia University snubbed us this week by not awarding us the Pulitzer Prize for Public Service. Still, we must admit to being uncharacteristically humbled by your 3,400 entries to this contest. They were so clever we had to create two sets of winners and runners-up, distributed over two weeks. This is Week One. Good Ideas, But Too Bad Everyone Else Had Them, Too: Dunn-Deal, Carr-Bumpers, Mink-Coats, Penny-Wise, Sharp-Payne, Unsoeld-Wheat, Robb-Rockefeller, Wise-King-Solomon, and Hamburg-Hoekstra-Pickle. And now, the winners: Fifth Runner-Up: The Green-Cardin-Spector Illegal Aliens Act (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fourth Runner-Up: The Watt-D'Amato-McHugh Voter Apathy Act (Stuart A. Segal, Vienna) Third Runner-Up: The Boren-Gordon-Lightfoot-Crapo Easy Listening Abolition Act. (Ed VanderPloeg and Bob Vietrogoski, Centreville) Second Runner-Up: The Sawyer-Bumpers Ban on Public Breast Feeding (Clarence Coo, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: The Traficant-DeLay-Akaka Roadside Port-A-Pot Act (Carole and Stephanie Dix, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Whoopie Cushion and Other Revolting Novelty Items: The Watt-Eshoo-Dunn-Furse-Leahy Pork Barrel Protection Act (Carol Vance, Washington) And Honorable Mentions: The Exon-Dunn-Kildee-Byrd-Fish Environmental Impact Study (Wernher Baussus, Reston) The Paxon-Wallop Alcohol Content Standards Act (Jennifer Mazarr, Arlington) The Murtha-Washington Memorial Resolution to Establish Official Presidential Spousal Duties (Ellen Nestos, Alexandria) The Wise-Buyer-Rangel-Olver-Price Free Trade Agreement (Tom and Debbie Shatten, Pittsburgh, Pa.) The Brown-Snowe Pooper-Scooper Law (Steven Rettinger, Potomac) The Pickle-Dorgan Transplant Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington) The Robb-Petri Vintage TV Act and the Kohl-Swett Blind Date Regulatory Act (Robin Rogoff Star, Rockville) The Doolittle-Dickey-Duncan Sex Education Act (Mary Edwards, Dale City) The Eshoo-Blute Anti-Conspiracy Law (Joan Bobchek, Fredericksburg) The Deal-Meehan Congressional Reform Act (Paul Elstein, Columbia) The Young-Studds-Moseley-Braun Anabolic Steroids Decriminalization Act (Tom and Debbie Shatten, Pittsburgh, Pa.) The Robb-Regula-Mann Tax Reform Amendment (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And last, The Grassley-Knollenberg Presidential Assassination Conspiracy Prevention Act (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) NEXT WEEK: Part II ====================================================================== WEEK 8, published April 25, 1993 WEEK 8: I Am Spurious (Yellow) RUSSIAN SPACE PROBE DISCOVERS HEAVEN! HUBBY'S BAD BREATH KILLS HIS WIFE! HITLER WAS A WOMAN! GALS! SNEEZING MAKES YOUR BREASTS BIGGER! MAN SAWS OFF ARM TO GET HANDICAPPED PARKING STICKER! GAY CHIMP FALLS IN LOVE WITH CIRCUS MIDGET! All the headlines above actually appeared in the Weekly World News, a supermarket tabloid that traffics in eye-popping tales of extraterrestrials, life after death, miracle cures, Elvis sightings and highly improbable human drama. The Weekly World News has so trampled traditional standards of fair and responsible journalism, so abandoned even the pretense of objectivity and truth-telling, that it has earned the distinction of being America's Crappiest Newspaper. Needless to say, we at the Style Invitational find it a total delight. THIS WEEK's CONTEST Write a headline for the Weekly World News (Maximum length, 10 words) First-prize winner will get an article written about him in the Weekly World News (Editor Eddie Clontz has agreed to do this), a selection of handsome Weekly World News T-shirts, plus all of the national shame and ridicule occasioned by that notoriety. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirts. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 8, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 5 (Part II)... In which we challenged you to come up with funny legislation based on the real names of congressmen. But first, a personal word to the winners and runners-up of our previous contests, the men and women whose creative genius has delighted millions of readers and fueled the dubious engine of this cheesy contest, but who have been sending us polite letters wondering where their prizes are: Get a life, you whiny little precocious over-achieving smart-ass nerds. Your prizes aren't ready yet. And Now, This Week's Winners: Fifth Runner-Up: The Fowler-Fish White Wine Distribution Act (Robin Rogoff Star, Rockville) Fourth Runner-Up: The Long-Boren-Stump Campaign Limitation Act (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Regula-Crapo Prune Subsidy Bill (Ira P. Robins, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: The Hamburg-Shelby-Dunn Meat Cooking Act (Robert Lennartz, Charlottsville) First Runner-Up: The Kilder-Wise-Byrd Act, a repeal of the Spotted Owl Endangerment Law (Patricia Dollar and Ira Rutberg, McLean) AND THE WINNER OF THE WHOOPIE CUSHION AND OTHER REVOLTING NOVELTY ITEMS: The Cantwell-English-Read Dyslexia Research Funding Bill (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And Honorable Mentions: The Watt-Eshoo-Inouye Sex-Change Regulatory Act (Carol Vance, Washington) The Ewing-Watt-Armey Verbal Taunting Ban (Jennifer Mazarr, Arlington) The Condit-Wheat Parent and Child Restroom Act (Rubin Rogoff Star, Rockville) The Wyden-Dorgan Penile Implant Safety Act (Lauren Scott, Washington) The Leach-Mica-Deal Monty Hall Commemorative Stamp Act (Steve Aaronson, Arlington) The Klecza-Gejdenson-Ros-Lehtinen-Hockbrueckner-Falcomavaega Simplified Internal Revenue Code ("Dee Dee," Silver Spring) The Mazzoli-Waters Oil Spill Control Bill (Leon Slavin, Laytonsville) The Meek-Young-Mann-Holden-Dickey-Harman-Nunn Exhibitionist Freedom of Expression Act (Mark Pitre, Rockville) The Robb-Peterson-Payne-Pell Income Redistribution Act (Gar Enders, Arlington) The Crane-Fawell-Olver Construction Safety Act (Darren Mitchell, Mount Ranier) The Watt-D'Amato-Whitten-Johnson Anti-Impotency Law (Matt Dickert, Reston) And last, The Bradley-Jefferson Bill to Erect a Living Memorial for Oustanding U.S. Citizens (Bradley Jefferson, Centreville) NEXT WEEK: PUTTING WORDS IN THEIR MOUTHS. ====================================================================== WEEK 9, published May 2, 1993 Week 9: Vanity Unfair TKTKTKTK: Mike Wallace Uh O: Oriole Team Bus *: Roger Maris B MBO: Vanna White I 8 NY: Godzilla NITE NITE: Jack Kevorkian This Week's Contest: Create vanity license plates for famous people. Maximum number of characters is eight, with spaces counting as one character. You are limited to letters, numbers and common symbols found on a typewriter keyboard. First-prize winner will receive several irresponsible how-to books published by Loompanics, Unlimited, including "The Complete Book of Razor Fighting," "Successful Armed Robbery," "Home Workshop Explosives," and "Physical Interrogation Techniques," a value of about $50. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 9, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, May 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 6 ... In which we asked you to supply captions to these two cartoons. But first, a few words about excellence. Although we received more than 500 entries to this contest, and have selected only 15 of them as winners, you will note that several people are represented more than once, including the highly mysterious "Oslo of Alexandria," the first-prize winner of Week 2 who darn near won again this week. You may reasonably wonder: Is this fair? Answer: Of course it is fair. The Style Invitational is the nation's last remaining pure meritocracy. The best is chosen, without regard to previous history, demographics, national origin, sexual orientation, dental anomalies, annoying personal habits, or cash inducements you may have included with your letters. In fact, our judging is done completely blindfolded, so we cannot see your name, or your address, or your entry. We hope this clears matters up. Thank you. Fifth Runner-up: (Cartoon B) Pythagoras was training Rover to guard his lunch box when something occurred to him. (Ken Schwartz, Burke) Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) "You scatter the ashes ... I get the bones." (Melinda Blachfield, Damascus) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) "Okay, kid. They're all warmed up." (Oslo, Alexandria.) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) "Did you see that idiot back there carrying his packages in a shopping cart?" (Elliot Greene, Silver Spring) First Runner Up: (Cartoon B) Identical twins separated at birth often lead identical lives without knowing it; tomorrow, on Geraldo. (Steven Schupak, Chevy Chase) And the winner of the Big, Ugly Diamond:(Cartoon A) Near starvation, the Giant Rat of Sumatra and the lawyer begin to eye the cajun cheese ... and each other. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable mentions: Cartoon A: It was bad enough that his master had him neutered, Sparky felt, but to keep his cojones in a box on the kitchen table as a constant reminder of the man's power over him was just too much. (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Marge Schott's dog could not relax until the will was read. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In a split second -- before Bowser and Henry even had time to blink -- that annoying bug shot out of its box, flew into Bowser's eye, careened off Henry's eye, then safely made it back, locking the lid from the inside. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Each plotted to have the Maltese Brick all to himself. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What do you do with a giant Folger's crystal? (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Cartoon B "How was I to know," said Zeke to his paramour Francis, "that when we made our lover's suicide pact, we'd end up in Hell, spending eternity doing old Carmen Miranda routines and slam dancing?" (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Stephen and William had never really got the hang of "hide and go seek." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) In an effort to revive the heyday of the Coneheads, the cast of "Saturday Night Live" tried everything. (Oslo, Alexandria) And last: "No, I don't know what the hell that R. is doing up there, either." (Geary Johns, Columbia) Next Week: Beat the Bands. ====================================================================== WEEK 10, published May 9, 1993 Week 10: A Week That Will Live in Euphemy PLANE CRASH = UNSCHEDULED ARRIVAL THROWING UP = A RETRO DINING EXPERIENCE LIAR = TRUTH ECONOMIST ACNE = FACIAL ACCESSORIES MURDERER = AFTERLIFE FACILITATOR This week's contest: Euphemisms. We came up with this concept after receiving a brochure from a school for "persons with multiple exceptionalities." Eventually we figured out this meant "lunatics." And so we got to thinking about how euphemisms are cynical assaults on the truth, and must be ridiculed to oblivion. So: Write us a funny one. First-prize winner will receive a Handsome White House Dinner Plate, which is a euphemism for a "cheap, foreign-made porcelain gewgaw featuring the nearly recognizable likenesses of American presidents," a value of maybe $20. Runners-up will get the coveted "Style Invitational" loser's T-shirt. As always, winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 10, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received by Monday, May 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 7 ...in which we asked you to come up with names for new rock bands. Your 3,200 entries were "spirited." This is a euphemism for "twisted beyond all reason." How twisted? Suffice it to say that dozens of hilarious entries had to be eliminated for reasons of taste. Now look at those that survived the taste test, and permit your imagination to boggle. Eighth Runner-Up: Pointless Umlautzz (Ron Vlaskamp, Crofton) Seventh Runner-Up: Armageddon Sandwich (Rob Runett and Todd Kolm, Potomac) Sixth Runner-Up: Manson Family Values (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) Fifth Runner-Up: The Irving R. Levine Experience (Anthony Fabic, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Satan In Therapy (Catherine D. Richardson, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: Stroke the Fat Elvis (Douglas E. Morris, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Meal of Poodles (Edward Giefer, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Mohandas Hitler (Ranald Totten, Springfield) And the Winner of the Collection of Awful Tapes: Your Mother Was My Father (Beverley Brown, Falls Church) Honorable mentions: When Ruby Met Oswald (Mark Hagstrom, Leesburg) Shemp's Swollen Prostate (Craig Garland, Oxon Hill) Xenophobic Strangers (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Crosseyed Cyclops; also, Spiro Agnew's Yard Sale (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) We Who Are Flaccid (Jeff Evans, Arlington) Six-Word, Eight Syllable Band Name (Peter Geiger, Reston) Picturing Your Parents Doing It (Rachel Carasso, Gaithersburg) Ich Bin Ein Target (Ranald Totten, Springfield) The Incontinentals (John H. Prentice, Washington) Turn Your Head and Cough (Tony Sanders, Holly Sanders, and Page Newton, Washington) Kevorkian Express (Melissa Fischer, Washington) Spastic Mohels (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) Dead Rock Stars of the Future (Scott Kuntz, Catonsville) And last: Give Me The Damned T-Shirt (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Tom Gets His T-shirt. ====================================================================== WEEK 11, published May 16, 1993 Week 11: In Which We Give You the Back Off Our Shirts. A mere 11 weeks after the start of this sorry contest, we have finally gotten around to designing the T-shirts won by runners-up. But just as we were about to get them manufactured and shipped out, we came up with a swell new way to delay the whole process a few more weeks! The back of the shirt needs a slogan, something that captures the spirit of The Style Invitational. What is that spirit? You tell us. No hints this week. And no, "Your Clever Words Here" won't win. The right idea, though. First-prize winner will receive five handsome T-shirts, a value of about $75. They will of course not be Style Invitational T-shirts, with your fabulous slogan on them. To win those, you have to lose. Hahahahahahaha. Runners-up, as always, get the losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 11, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 8, in which we asked you to come up with sleazy headlines for the Weekly World News. Roseanne Pregnant With Elvis's Baby. Elvis Pregnant With Roseanne's Baby. Baby Pregnant With Roseanne's Elvis. Elvis Has Gas. Elvis Has Boogers. Roseanne Explodes. Sigh. True comic genius does not submit to formula, folks. True comic genius would be a headline like CHAINSAW PROCTOLOGIST INDICTED, which no one submitted, fortunately, since it is far too tasteless to print. The promise of a story about the first-prize winner in the famously disreputable Weekly World News, as opposed to our usual lousy prizes, elicited more than 700 entries, nearly 20 of which were clever and inventive. Here they are: Fifth Runner-Up: ELVIS HEADLINES USO SHOW FOR MIAS STILL IN VIETNAM(C. Paul Mendez, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: TRAGIC LEPER TRAPEZE ACT FATALITY (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-UP: EARTH DISCOVERED TO BE 'SHOOTER' IN GIANT ALIEN MARBLE GAME (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) Second Runner-Up: ELVIS FINISHES 3RD IN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR CONTEST (Chris David Zaharis, Baltimore) First Runner-Up: AL GORE BELIEVED ALIVE -- WHAT HE MIGHT LOOK LIKE (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And the Winner of a Story in the Weekly World News: LIKENESS OF HONEYMOONERS' 'ALICE' FOUND ON MOON (Byron Baker, Capital Heights) Honorable Mentions: MISTAKEN FOR MIMES, ALIENS BEATEN BY ANGRY MOB (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) NAPOLEON'S PENIS FOUND IN RECTANGULAR PASTRY (Jesse Etelson, Rockville) ALIENS SIMONIZED MY CAR (Susan Campbell, New York) SCIENTISTS DISCOVER TREES ARE WHISKERS OF 'MAN IN THE EARTH' (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) STUDY FINDS MOST BALD MEN VICTIMS OF BAD HAIRCUTS (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) WEDDING NIGHT SHOCKER -- BRIDE AND GROOM HAD SEX CHANGE OPERATIONS ("Dee Dee," Silver Spring) EXCLUSIVE: ELVIS BURIED STILL ATTACHED TO TOILET SEAT (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) HEALTH COSTS TO PLUMMET: KEVORKIAN TO BECOME HEALTH CZAR (Kenneth Lynch, Lutherville) JACK THE RIPPER WAS GROVER CLEVELAND (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) SCIENTIST PROVES MARTIAN CANALS MADE BY GIANT ROLLERBLADES (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) CAPITALS WIN STANLEY CUP (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy) POPE SECRETLY WARNS CLERGYMEN: HEAVEN IS GETTING FULL (David Moon, Kettering) BLIND ELVIS-LIKE ALIENS IMPREGNATE ROSEANNE, RANSACK GRAVES OF MARILYN, JFK (Barry Reichenbaugh, Alexandria) LOCAL EDITOR SHOOTS DOG, WIFE, THEN SEL (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) NEXT WEEK: Vanity Unfair. ====================================================================== WEEK 12, published May 23, 1993 WEEK 12 -- HERE DOGGEREL . . . Doc Kevorkian, AKA Jack, Had no need for a magazine rack. He simply ignored That his patients were bored Since he figured they weren't coming back. The husband of Hillary Rodham, he Came out firmly in favor of sodomy. A nation would wonder About Clinton's blunder -- Did the president have a lobotomy? A graceful and fair ballerina From Bosnia-Herzegovina Kept her spirits undamp In a refugee camp, A-twirl behind coiled concertina. This week's contest: Write a limerick. That's the easy part. The hard part: It must contain one of the following names: "Hillary Rodham Clinton," "Jack Kevorkian," "George Stephanopoulos" or "Bosnia-Herzegovina." The names don't have to be part of the rhyme, and their constituent words can be separated. First-prize winner will receive a selection of revolting novelty items, including but not limited to a twitching rubber rat caught in a leg-hold trap, a value of about $35. A special award will be given for the most pitiful attempt at a rhyme. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 12, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 9, in which we asked you to come up with vanity license plates for famous people. But first, a quick mail call. A few of you have written in, asking what we do with your losing entries after the judging. What would you do with 500 lame Vanities? We had a bonfire. You're welcome. The Winners: Fifth Runner-Up: UP CHUCK -- Princess Di (Bruce Powers, Alexandria. Also, "Hoops," Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: CALL AAA -- All Metro buses (Harold Kerr, Washington) Third Runner-Up: R U MINE? -- Dr. Cecil Jacobson, "The Sperminator" (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) Second Runner-Up: NTM NTM -- Judy Garland (Tom O'Brien, Winchester) First Runner-Up: FCC YOU -- Howard Stern (Terri Levine, Herndon) And the Winner of the Irresponsible Books About Robbery, Torture and other Mayhem: FOR! -- Dan Quayle (Don Beale, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: ONLYACAR -- Sigmund Freud (Robert Hofheimer, Norfolk) I 4 GOT -- Ronald Reagan (Anna Sokol, Alexandria) 1 2 MANY -- John Riggins (Gordon Angell, McLean) YES DEAR -- Bill Clinton (Tom Crites, Gaithersburg) I/M -- Jack the Ripper (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) QUAIL1 -- Dan Quayle (Eric D. Greenberg, Washington) IM L8 -- Bill Clinton (Jonathan S. Silber, Bethesda)(A blank plate) -- Al Gore (George C. Montgomery, Bethesda) (A blank plate) -- J.P. Sartre (Ken Schwartz, Burke) ##### -- LAPD cars (E. Kelly Merritte, Charleston, W.Va.) 1/8/40- -- Elvis Presley (Neil Molenda, Arlington) I C U -- George Orwell (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) COPY .* -- Joe Biden (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) TRODHAM -- Hillary Clinton (Hoops, Alexandria) FEELINGS -- Bob Packwood (Nick Dierman, Potomac) GO CAPS -- e.e. cummings (Rich Isaacman and Kathy Pedelty, Bowie) And Last, SO LONG -- deceased porn star John Holmes (Margaret Welch, Arlington) NEXT WEEK: A WEEK THAT WILL LIVE IN EUPHEMY. ====================================================================== WEEK 13, published May 30, 1993 Week 13 : ANAGRAMS = A MAN'S RAG Woody Allen = A Lewd Loony Marion Barry = My Brain-roar The Washington Post = Wet Hogs in Hot Pants Princess Di = Diss Prince Albert Gore = Get Real, Bro' The White House = Whee! Hot Tushie! William Donald Schaefer = A Clownish Leader Fail Md. What does it mean that Woody Allen's name is an anagram of "A Lewd Loony?" He had that name years before he became a famous groin- crazed, teen-diddling doodoohead. Could it be that names are secret encoded clues to the true nature of people? That a clever anagramist is not so much a creative genius as he is a "channeler"? Naah. He's just a wonk with a Scrabble set and a lot of time on his hands. This week's contest: Come up with a funny anagram for the name of a famous person or institution. All letters in the name must be used, and no letters may be left over. First-prize winner will receive a huge American flag, a star- spangled banner too big for tasteful display anywhere except on the side of a mountain or perhaps in a polo stadium (a value of approximately $90). Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Loser' T- shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor, originality and relevance to the anagramed name. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 13, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from week 10 ... in which we sought euphemisms, nice ways to say unpleasant things. We received 450 entries, most of which were (bad) not meeting our current needs but we thank you for your interest in our publication blah blah blah. The Winners: - Fifth runner-up: Road Kill = Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form (Bradley Fisher, Rockville) - Fourth runner-up: Meter Maid = Wiper Poet (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Third runner-up: Plagiarism = Previously Owned Prose (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Second runner-up: Cowardly = Challenge Challenged (Wendy C. Leyes, Chevy Chase) - First runner-up: Cannibalism = Intra-species Dining (Harvey Kipper, Arlington) - And the Winner of the Ugly Presidential Plate: Vomiting = Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick, Md.) Honorable mentions: - Alcoholic = Anti-sobriety Activist (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Rainier) - Vice president = Post-coronary Leader of the Free World (Phil Clutts, Silver Spring) - Abortion = Near-life Experience (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Rudeness = Tact Avoidance (Harvey Kipper, Arlington) - Disgruntled Employee = Designated Corporate Retaliatory Officer (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Ranier) - Dead = Taking a Dirt Nap (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick) - Parking Boot = Aftermarket Hubcap (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) - Assassination = Involuntary Term Limitation (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Shoplifter = Cost-of-living Adjustment Specialist (Darren C. Mitchell, Mount Rainier) - Stabbing = Social Surgery (Erik Johnson, Prince Frederick, Md.) - Dead = Actuarially Mature (Jeannie Jasper Edwards, Herndon) - Hemorrhoids = Solid Waste Deceleration Devices (Ian Marc Ories, Arlington) - Homelessness = Mortgage-Free Living (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) - Corpse = Permanently Static Post-Human Mass (Oliver Sommers, Warrenton) - Navel Lint = NatureUs Worry Bead (Stu Segal, Vienna) And last: - Yard Sale Rejects = Style Invitational Prizes (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And even more last: - Fifth Runner-Up, Fourth Runner-Up, Third Runner-Up, Second Runner-Up, First Runner-Up and Honorable Mention = Loser. (Richard Maltagliati, Burtonsville) Next Week: You Give Us the Backs Off Our Shirts. ====================================================================== WEEK 14, published June 6, 1993 WEEK 14: Collective Insanity A Slick of lawyers A Smuggery of politically correct individuals An Olfaction of babies A Confusion of psychiatrists A Nitpick of wonks Today, we present our first reader-induced contest, proposed by Kitty Theurmer of Washington, who receives for her gracious help some plastic vomit. Kitty proposed that we modernize collective nouns (as in a "pride" of lions or an "exaltation" of larks), inventing snide new names for groups of things. As in the examples above. First-prize winner will receive a big fluffy pillow, because we always wanted to mail somebody a big fluffy pillow. It's worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 14, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 11, in which you were asked to come up with a slogan for the back of the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. There were more than 1,200 entries, almost 5 percent of which were some variation of "If You Get It, You Don't Get It," a corruption of The Washington Post's television ad campaign. To which we respond, "If You Get a Life, You Won't Not Have a Life." Thank you. Many of you have inquired whether the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt, almost ready for shipping, is available for purchase. Yes, it is. It costs $765. And now, the winners: Eighth Runner-Up: You Can't Lose if You Don't Play (Jim Martin, Alexandria) Seventh Runner-Up: Near Genius Nearly Rewarded (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Sixth Runner-Up: Will Exchange Shirt for Idea (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fifth Runner-Up: Born to Be Barely Adequate (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: Words Fail Me (Mort Oakes, Monkton; also, Jan Genevro, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: My Name Here (Craig Ulander, Mount Airy) Second Runner-Up: Machine wash. Tumble dry. Do not bleach. Do not iron. (Rick Greene, Washington) First Runner-Up: Mistakes Were Made (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And The Winner of the five T-shirts, none of which contains her ingenious slogan, which will appear on Style Invitational losers' T-shirts only: Almost Do It! (Mary Pat Jones, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: No Radio in Pants (Mary Mazer, Antioch, Tenn.) The unexamined life IS worth living. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I used to be, you know, inarticulate. (Ken Schwartz, Burke) Will write for food. (Hoops, Alexandria) Big, Hairy Deal (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Wet the OTHER side, idiot! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) When Aroused, I Submit (Addison L. Gilmore, Cumberland) Quayle in '96 (David Moon, Kettering) Humor Hurts (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And Last: No, I'm not Bob Zane of Woodbridge. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Next Week: Here, Doggerel ... ====================================================================== WEEK 15, published June 13, 1993 Week 15: Punch Us. Sandra Day O'Connor, Abraham Lincoln and Woody Woodpecker are in a boat that capsizes. There is only one life preserver. Sandra says ... How do you know if Bill Clinton has been in your house? Knock knock. Who's there? Hillary. Hillary who? ... A man walks into a bar in Washington and orders a Kahlua and root beer fizz. He notices that the woman next to him has a chicken bone in her hair. "Hey," he says to the bartender ... A nun, a rabbi and an atheist are taking a tour of the White House ... This week's contest: Complete any of these jokes in 75 words or fewer. First-prize winner will receive several books of tasteless jokes, a value of about $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 15, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 12, in which we asked you to write a limerick using any of these names: George Stephanopoulos, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Jack Kevorkian or Bosnia-Herzegovina. We offered a contest poetic. The results, they were pretty pathetic. 'Twas the worst of our fears -- You all had tin ears! And kept trying to stick in extra clunky words and committing rhymes that gave us a headache. And now the winners, some of which have been lightly edited to improve their meter: Fourth Runner-Up: Hillary Rodham spent hours Developing Bill Clinton's powers. But she really got miffed When she bought him a gift, And he said that he'd rather have Flowers.(Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.) Third Runner-Up: There are names that are spoken with ease, While others come out like a sneeze. By George, there's a lot of us Who think "Stephanopoulos" Just sounds like a rare foot disease. (Art and limerick, Andy Black, Reston) Second Runner-up: Ms. Hillary Clinton (nee Rodham) Charmed Bill from his top to his bottom Now that Billy is prez Will he do as she says? Has she not only got him, but got 'em? (Janet Crawford, Pomfret, Md.) First Runner-up: The president's spokesman was out. An afternoon lunch date, no doubt. "Find George Stephanopoulos! This crisis could topple us! Al Gore's got termites, not gout!" (Kevin Dunleavy, Fairfax) And the winner of the twitching rubber rat caught in a trap: Jack Kevorkian, Suicide Doc, Awoke to a terrible shock. His machine ... it was broke! "But folks want to croak! I suppose I can use a blunt rock." (Jimmy Nguyen, Rockville) Special award of a tin cup for the most pitiful attempt at a rhyme: In a faraway jungle most populous With elephant and rhinoceros, George deemed it unsound That we sleep on the ground Because something big might Stephanopoulos. (C. Paul Mendez, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Ms. Clinton, that's Hillary Rodham, Into the White House, she got him. Now, when they're in bed, Or so it is said, She prefers the top to the bottom. (Art and limerick by Andy Black, Reston) Doc Kevorkian, also called Jack Is possessed of a marvelous knack. He'll provide a neat visa To any old geeza For a trip on the heavenly track. (Thomas A. Parrott, Washington) Next Week: Anagrams=A Man's Rag. ====================================================================== WEEK 16, published June 20, 1993 Week 16: "I Am Addicted to an Asinine Newspaper Contest With Crummy Prizes" "Men Who Get Sex Changes and Then Become Lesbians" "I Caught My Hubby in a Topless Bar" "I Am Sleeping With My Best Friend's Mom" "I Am Sleeping With My Son's Girlfriend" "Gay Men Who Date Married Men" "Black Men Who Want to Be Chinese" "My Husband Spends All His Time in the Toilet" "Divorced Couples Who Still Do It" Americans have proved time and again that they will cheerfully flush their dignity right down the pooper for a few minutes of grungy fame on national TV. Half of the above topics actually were aired on the OprahGeraldoSallyJenny circuit. The others are made up. Of course you can't tell the difference, that's our point. This week's contest: Come up with sleazy new topics for the daytime talks. First-prize winner will receive a ceramic raccoon purchased from a Bethesda hardware store, plus a framed painting of dogs playing poker, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 16, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 13, in which you were asked to come up with clever anagrams for the names of famous people or institutions. Many of you have asked why we sometimes have six or seven runners-up, and sometimes only two or three. The answer is that some weeks you are a parliament of drooling nitwits, and other weeks you appear to have gobbled brilliance pills. Like this week. Congratulations, especially to Laura Drohan, our very first T-shirt winner yet to reach puberty. Tenth Runner-Up: North American Free Trade Agreement = Rare Menace Threatening Rat Freedom (Scott Michael, Alexandria) Ninth Runner-Up: Thomas Jefferson = Oh, Master Jeff'son! (Douglas M. Delorge, Fairfax) Eighth Runner-Up: Gerald Ford = Grade F, Lord (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) Seventh Runner-Up: Ted Turner = Utter nerd (Marjean Willett, Arlington) Sixth Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = One huge press pool goat (Jennifer Mendelsohn, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: FBI = Fib (Laura Drohan, 10 years old, Springfield. Submitted in crayon) Fourth Runner-Up: Washington Redskins = Darkness in sight now (Ian Marc Ories, "Nice Aroma, Sir," Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Supreme Court = Corrupt? Sue Me. (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring) Second Runner-up: George Stephanopoulos = O, Ha! U Lose to "Pops" Gergen (Ned Lilly, Arlington) First Runner-Up: The economy, stupid = Shout my deception (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) And the winner of the gigantic, ungainly American flag: William Jefferson Clinton = "Slim-n-fit. Join now. Call Free!" (John and Donna Hughes-Hasle, Dunn Loring, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Tax and Spend Liberal = A Bland, Lax President (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Clarence Thomas = To scheme carnal (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Professor Anita Hill = A thin, proofless liar (Mary Lee Fox Roe??? ) George Stephanopoulos = Gergen phases out o' loop (David A. Ames, Crofton, Md.) Giant Food = A tin of dog (Heidi Waters, Charlottesville) Ollie North = O, rot in hell (Hank, Leesburg) Senator Jesse Helms = No jest: He's real mess (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Monica Seles = Camel's noise (P.P. Rao, Oxon Hill) Boris N. Yeltsin = Nobly sinister (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Michael Jordan = Land heroic jam (Ian Marc Ories, Arlington) Gennifer Flowers = Elfin news forger (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Al "Al" Gore = A real log (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Tom Arnold = Man or dolt? (Colleen McGuire, Arlington) Ronald Wilson Reagan = Ran in an old slow gear (Ed VanderPloeg, Centreville) George Stephanopoulos = A prologue? Stop. He's gone (Sally Longinotti, Fairfax) General Motors = Largest no more (Mary Hosek, Alexandria) William Shatner = What man sillier? (Dorothy Laoang, Rockville) Slobodan Milosevic = Damn evil socio-slob (Steve Rosenberg, Bowie) Hillary Rodham Clinton = Choir lady thrill no man (Lynne A. Larkin, Reston) Geraldo Rivera = A viler dog rear (Mary Hosek, Alexandria) And Last: Style Invitational = A vinyl toilet stain (Clara M. Glock, College Park) Style Invitational = Total Evil Insanity (Paulette Dickerson & Mark Zimmermann, Silver Spring) The Style Invitational Editor = So Vain, or a Little Tin Deity? (Dee Dee, Silver Spring) Next Week: Collective Insanity ====================================================================== WEEK 17, published June 27, 1993 Week 17: Seeing Red Ink Four simple ways to reduce the federal deficit: 1. Impose a special handgun licensing fee for disgruntled postal workers. 2. Secretly print up four trillion dollars and have an accountant named Seymour "find" it one day in the U.S. Treasury. 3. Levy fines for pomposity in the District of Columbia. 4. Have the federal government challenge Michael Jordan to a game of golf. This week's contest: Send us a photocopy of your behind. Just kidding. Obviously, this week's contest is to come up with an easy way to reduce the federal deficit, in 20 words or fewer. This idea was proposed by reader Ken Sandler of Alexandria, who wins three Hanes briefs in attractive designer colors. The first-prize winner will receive a rubber chicken plus a ceramic cat, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 17, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 14, in which you were asked to come up with new collective nouns. Hmm. More than 3,000 entries, not one of which proposed a name for a group of Style Invitational entries. We suggest: a MESS of entries. Smart but too-popular offerings: a BRACE of orthodontists, a PILE of proctologists, a REAM of proctologists, a GAGGLE of comedy writers, a GIGGLE of teenage girls, a GOGGLE of skin divers. Sixth Runner-Up: a TRAVESTY of justices (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Fifth Runner-Up: a CORPS of morticians (Barbara Mayo-Wells, Ellicott City) Fourth Runner-Up: a BROOD of pessimists (P.P. Rao, Oxon Hill; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: a MYRIAD of cliches (Dave Noon, Harrisonburg, Va.) Second Runner-Up: a PROLIFERATION of abortion protesters (Charles Gilbert Owens, Indian Head) First Runner-Up: a GREAT DEAL of used-car salesmen (Tim and Heather Allen, Chapel Hill, N.C.) And the winner of the big, fluffy pillow: a TRANSTIONPOSI of dyslexics (Stu Segal, Vienna) Honorable Mentions: a BATTERY of L.A. police officers (Douglas Olson, Beltsville; also, Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) an INNUENDO of proctologists (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a RUMP of couch potatoes (Mrs. S.T. Prevost, Falls Church) a PRIDE of grandparents (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) a SLEW of murderers (Lyell Rodieck, Washington; also, J. Chanmugam, Bethesda) a KUVVEY of Quayles (Lance Conn, Washington) Un MOI des existentialistes (Dick Holt, Arlington) a CONGRESS of hot-air balloons (John Kelly, Washington) a PROPOS of nothing (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) a LOT of Realtors (Byron Baker, Capitol Heights; also, Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) a RASH of hookers (Mary Mazer, Antioch, Tenn.) a HEAD of thyme (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a BASSINET of White House staffers (Ronald Varuska Jr., Washington) a RETINUE of optometrists (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) an AMALGAM of dentists (Marilyn Glaser, Laurel) a JAR of potholes (Mary Frances Borrell-Gould, Kensington) a (SMEAR) of secret agents (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) a GARRISON of Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) a MAGNUM o' pus (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a CLIQUE of castanet players (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) a CONSENSUS of yes men (Ro Hofford, McLean) a RING of phonies (Barbara Mayo-Wells, Ellicott City) a CHAIN of lynx (Harry Richardson, Laurel) a PROFUSION of nuclear scientists (Pat Wallace, La Plata; also, Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) an ARMY of homosexuals (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) a SEMORDNILAP of palindromes (stolen from an undisclosed acquaintance by Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And last: a SHIRTLOAD of Style Invitational losers (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Next Week: You Punch Us. ====================================================================== WEEK 18, published July 4, 1993 Week 18: Punch Us In the Ear This week's contest: We were sitting around the Style Invitational treehouse the other day, reflecting on how unfair it is that the New York Times is more famous than The Washington Post. It's not that we disrespect the Times. We think it a fine newspaper, despite of its policy of selling tiny Page 1 advertisements that appear under stories about Indonesian trade embargoes, ads with messages like "Come, give me a birthday squeeze on the tuchus, Stevie -- Love, Aunt Dorcas." It's just that we feel The Washington Post merits equal respect, but we don't get it. Why? Then it hit us. The Times has a motto! "All the News That's Fit to Print" sits grandly right up there in the same place The Post reserves for the weather ("Today: Partly cloudy. Tomorrow: Partly sunny."). Perhaps this is what we need to push The Post over the top, fame-wise. A motto. Give us one. First-prize winner will receive a three-month subscription to the New York Times, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 18, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 15, in which we asked you to complete one of several jokes. Sixth Runner-Up: A man walks into a Washington bar and orders a Kahlua and root beer fizz. He notices the woman next to him has a chicken bone in her hair. "Hey," he says to the bartender, "why does she have a chicken bone in her hair?" "She's a Democrat," the bartender says. "A steak bone would be too ostentatious." (John Gilbert, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: . . . "... Hey," he says to the bartender, "this place makes me homesick for Arkansas." (Dan Thomas, Burke) Fourth Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? You have the feeling somebody's been there, but nothing's changed. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? He denies it. The next day, he denies that he ever denied it. Later, George Stephanopoulos explains that the president wasn't denying the denial, but instead was denying that the initial denial was in fact a denial. Rather, it was an admission that he was in your house, but a denial that he was aware of that fact. Stephanopoulos is demoted, David Gergen replaces him, and you are audited. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: Abe Lincoln, Sandra Day O'Connor and Woody Woodpecker are in a boat that capsizes. There is only one life preserver. Sandra says, "I have a plan." She gives one of the oars to Abe. Then he poles the boat into shallow water, where Abe and Sandra can both stand. The bird simply flies to shore. And suddenly Sandra finds herself holding the other oar, faced with a mighty dilemma: Row v. wade. (Evan Steinhart, Fulton, Md.; also, Jan Verrey, Arlington) First Runner-Up: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? You find Dave Gergen cleaning up. (Stu Segal, Vienna) And the winner of the books of dirty jokes: How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? A hundred days later he is still trying to get his foot in the door. (Dan Thomas, Burke) Honorable Mentions: "Hey," he says to the bartender, "you got any more of that chicken chow mane?" (Jim Tucker, Charlottesville) How do you know if Bill Clinton's been in your house? The lights seem dimmer. (John Cooper, Clarksburg) ... The bowl with the plastic fruit is empty. (J.M. Crowe, Middletown) . . You find your kids and the White house staff fighting over Legos. (Stu Segal, Vienna) ... The lights are on, but nobody's home. (Bonnie Speary, Bethesda) And Last: "She's foreign born," the bartender says. "In her country, women customarily wear chicken bones in their hair." "That's the stupidest custom I ever heard about." "I thought so, too," says the bartender, "until she told me that their national drink is a Kahlua and root beer fizz." (John Kupiec, Springfield) Next Week: Talk Show Topics ====================================================================== WEEK 19, published July 11, 1993 The Stale Invitational; Week 19: A Recycled Idea That Was None Too Good to Begin With ARF WIEDERSEHEN = Put the dog out THE MAN FROM HYPE = David Gergen RICHARD NIKON = The never-apprehended surveillance specialist of Watergate COGITO EGGO SUM = I think, therefore I am a waffle. LAST ACTION ZERO = Schwarzenegger bombs big time. This week's contest was proposed by reader Barbara Mayo-Wells of Ellicott City, who wins a pair of cheap earrings that are gigantic replicas of the Elvis stamp, only less attractive. Barbara's idea: Alter a well-known phrase or name by deleting, adding or changing only one letter, and then supply a definition for what results. First-prize winner will receive a genuine Lava-Lite with an inviting blood-and-urine color motif, a value of $45. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 19, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 16, in which you were asked to come up with sleazy topics for the daytime TV talk shows. But first, a weird coincidence. The Style Invitational has conferred a certain shabby notoriety on a few otherwise obscure individuals from fetid backwaters of The Post circulation area. The three most frequent winners to date are Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Bob Zane of Woodbridge ("Woodbridge: The City of Two-Bit Fame") and Stu Segal of Vienna. Now here's the weird part: In this week's contest, Bob, Chuck and Stu independently came up with the same good idea, an idea not duplicated in any of the other 1,200 entries. "Women Who Leave the Toilet Seat Up" is a great talk show topic, but it isn't going to bring home the shirt. Why? Because we are just going to be that way. Fifth Runner-Up: "Total Idiots Who May Already Have Won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes" (Chris Rooney, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: "People Examined in UFOs Who Went Back for Checkups" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: "Undertakers Who Sell Used Dentures" (James Day, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: "People Who Have Their Inner Child Circumcised" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.) First Runner-Up: "Dogs Who Do Their Owners' Homework for Them -- and Then Eat It." (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, Pa.) And the winner of the framed painting of Dogs Playing Poker: "Penis Litterers" (Kitty Thuermer and Mike Tidwell, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "My Dog Was My Bridesmaid" (Paul H. Parent, Adelphi) "Vacuum Cleaner Hickeys -- The Explanation No One Will Believe (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) "Men Who Ride Tricycles to Work" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Weight-Challenged People Denied Seats on Roller Coasters" (Charles A. Jones, Norfolk, Va.) "Men Who Have Gotten Drunk From the Small Quantities of Alcohol In 'Non-Alcoholic' Beverages" (Aaron Suplizio, Alexandria) "People Who Became Parents Because They Were Too Embarrassed to Buy Condoms" (Steven King, Alexandria) "Men Who Are Battered by Their Dogs" (Danielle Therry, Washington) "When Your Daughter Falls In Love With Lloyd Bentsen" (Danielle Therry, Washington) KILL... "Men With Priapism and Their Wives Who Have Constant Headaches" (Bob Sibley, Arlington) "Police Officers Who've Undergone Face Lifts So They Will Look Good if Videotaped During an Attack on a Citizen." (Sue Lazanov, Reston) KILL... "Women Who Beat Themselves So Their Husbands Don't Have To." (Tom Gearty, Washington) "My Husband's Son Married My Daughter and The Grandchildren Are Confused" (Tom Reed, Falls Church) "Doctors Who Use the Words Weenie and Wee-Wee" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) "Biological Parents Who Hunt Down Their Adopted Children To Molest Them." (Shari Kallmyer and Cindy Karpaw, Washington) "Obese Cross Dressers With Visible Panty Lines (Kara Grant, Alexandria) "Men Whose Noses Resemble Their Genitals" (Cynthia Larsen, Afton, Va.) "Kids Who Put Their Eyes Out With Sticks" (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) "Adult Diapers -- The New Lingerie" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "People Who Prefer The Taste of Diet Pepsi With The Syringe In It. (Chris Rooney, Reston) And Last, Reporters Who Get Lobotomies So They Can Judge The Style Invitational (James Day, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 20, published July 18, 1993 Week 20: Comic Relief Well, here we are, five months into this tawdry little competition, and not yet hauled away in shackles by the dreaded Propriety Police. There have been close calls, mes amis, but -- ha ha HA! -- still we survive, a tiny underground cell of grizzled partisans with reddened eyes and bourbon breath, lobbing stinkbombs at the pompous. Fact: Even The Washington Post does not know who we are. We strike each week from different locations in the Post building, and then scurry away like rats to fight another day. Yesterday, while we were holed up in a dank bunker near the Post morgue, we came across old comics published 60 years ago today, July 18, 1933. "The Gumps" and "Looie Blooie, Attorney at Law." Pretty dated material, eh? This week's contest: Rewrite the cartoons, filling in your own balloons, to make them funnier and more timely. First-prize winner will receive six ripe tomatoes from Joel Achenbach's back yard, plus a spectacular vintage 1930s typewriter, a value of about $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 20, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 17, in which you were asked to come up with inventive ways to reduce the federal deficit. Fifth Runner-up: Declare Chapter 11 and start over under the new name, "The United States IN America." (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Fourth Runner-Up: Have government agents get real friendly with the wealthiest people in the world and weasel themselves into their wills. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Third Runner-Up: Require terrorists to pay for blasting permits. (Howard Waler, Catlett, Va.) Second Runner-Up: Charge a nickel for every time someone begins a sentence with "If I had a nickel for every time ... ." (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) First Runner-Up: Have the CIA search couches for coins. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the rubber chicken and ceramic cat: Refinance! (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Add to tax return: "Check here if you want to donate $1 trillion to reduce the deficit." That way, we'd only need four people. (Larry Rubin, Pikesville) Sue Kim Basinger for the entire sum. She's so hated that any jury anywhere will side against her. (Steve A. Weinstein, Los Angeles) "If you break the chain you will have 10 years of bad luck. Send $10 to the name on the top of the list (U.S. Treasury, Washington D.C.) and ... ." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Leave town and give no forwarding address. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Ask families to add this note to obituaries: In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to the federal government. (C. Lynne Richardson, Burtonsville) Move the decimal point five places to the left. (Steven King, Alexandria; also, Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) 1. Turn control of economy over to New York Mets management. 2. Tell them they have to increase the deficit. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Claim that all of the U.S. government's creditors made an attempt on Bush's life; indignantly default. (Cara and Elena Horowitz, Bethesda) Have the government publish classified ads saying, "Make Thousands Stuffing Envelopes, $2 for info." Then send worthless info costing only 29 cents postage. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Hit Cntrl-Alt-Del (Paul Styrene, Olney) Torch White House, collect insurance. (Abner Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) Torch Al Gore, collect insurance. (Abner Felix McBundy, Silver Spring) Beat swords into Microsoft shares. (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Replace Greenspan and Panetta with existential economists who proceed to prove that there is no deficit. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Change the number base to a larger system so that all the numbers will be smaller. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Open a bungee jumping concession at the Washington Monument. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And Last: Reinstitute public hanging. Begin with Style Invitational staff. While thousands of Post readers watch and rejoice, steal their wallets. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Next Week: We Assassinate The Post. ====================================================================== WEEK 21, published July 25, 1993 Week 21 : A So-So Contest + Bob Dole is so mean he wants to repeal the Santa Claus. + Roseanne Arnold is so fat they're spinning off her butt as a new series. + Michael Jackson is so odd he is divisible only by himself and I. + Warren Christopher is so colorless he doesn't tan, he grays. + Mister Rogers is so nice that in high school, girls got him in trouble. + Bill Clinton's waist is expanding so fast the Oval Office is in danger of becoming a circle. This week's contest: This old idea ("HOW OLD IS lT?") may have begun with vaudeville, but it did not achieve maturity until the presidential campaign of 1984, when Dave Barry wrote that John Glenn was so bland "he couldn't electrify a fish tank if he threw a toaster into it." That's the contest: Describe somebody -- or something -- through exaggerated comparison. The first-prize winner will receive a Mortimer Snerd ventriloquist's dummy, a value of about $75. Runners-up, as always. get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 21, The Washington Post. 1150 15th St. NW. Washington. D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 18, in which you were asked to stick it in our "ear" by proposing a front-page motto for The Washington Post. Our favorite comment came from Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who says she was stunned to learn The Post did not already have a motto. She assumed it was "Prices May Vary in Areas Outside Metropolitan Washington." Linda, don't be a dimwit. That is not a motto. The actual motto is "...." + Eighth Runner-Up: "As Seen On TV." (Pat Gentner, Washington) + Seventh Runner-Up: "A Newspaper With A Proud Tradition of Journalistic Ex- See MOTTO, a32, Col. 2 (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) + Sixth Runner-Up: "The Newspaper Without a Motto" (Dave Ferry, Potomac) + Fifth Runner-Up: "Your Source for Today's Date" (Mike Berman, Gaithersburg) + Fourth Runner-Up: "At Least We Never Have to Say `Mr. Dahmer'" (Gregory James, Fairmount Heights) + Third Runner-Up: "A Pulitzer Prize-Returning Paper" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + Second Runner-Up: "Corrections You Can Rely On" (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring) + First Runner-Up: "A Great Newspaper That Operates on the Assumption That Its Readers Know Absolutely Nothing and Therefore Require Vast Amounts of Historical and Other Background Material With Every Story, Material That Often Is Allowed to Overwhelm the Story. Historically, Newspapers' Assumptions About Their Readers' Knowledge Level Have Varied Considerably. In the Case of Acta Diurna, for Example, a Daily Bulletin Established by Julius Caesar When Be Became Consul In 60 B.C. and Which May Perhaps Be Considered the Ultimate Ancestor of the Modern Newspaper, It Appears.... See MOTTO, A32, Co1. 4 (Tom Jedele, Laurel) And the winner of the three-month subscription to the New York Times: "All the News That's Fit to Prinf." (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) ++ Honorable Mentions: + "When Folded Correctly, Makes a Nice Pair of Underpants" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + "All the News. Every Morning. Under the Car" (John F. Donley, Vienna) + "For Today's Corrected Motto, See Tomorrow's A3" (Steve Svartz, McLean) + "Warning: This Product May Cause Drowsiness" (Al Toner, Arlington) + "Do Not Flush Plastic Wrapper"' (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) + "Cheaper Than a Stamp" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) + "More Interesting Than Breeding Prize-Winning Clams" (Douglas E. Morris, Washington) + "Today's Comics Are in Real Estate, Page F46. There Are Two Real Estate Sections. The First One Says COMICS on It, But the Comics are Actually in the Second Section, Which has the Orange Mortgage Rate Table on the Front. Real Estate Also Has the Classified Ads, So the Comics Aren't at the Back of the Section, They're a Little Past the Middle. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) + "Mistakes Were Made" (John Kupiec, Springfield) + "There Is a Reason This Is on the Left" (Craig M. Lewis, Laytonsville) + "If You Don't Get It, Just Pick One Out of the Recyclables Bin at the Metro" (Rob Mendelson, Rockville) + "Gives Good Smear" (Al Toner, Arlington) + "Read Left to Right" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) + "Ultra Absorbent" (Meghan Meyer, Olney; Stu Segal, Vienna) + "Washington Is Our Middle Name" (Stu Segal, Vienna) + And Last: "Exclusive T-Shirt Supplier to Stu Segal, Vienna" (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) ====================================================================== WEEK 22, published August 1, 1993 Week 22: Stump Us Let's Put Teddy Back In The Driver's Seat! "Dick" Nixon: Because Evil Is Entertaining. Ross Perot. The Medication Is Working. Chuck Robb. He Listens to You. Quayle in '95! Marion Barry. That Great Sucking Sound Isn't Jobs Going to Mexico. This Week's Contest was proposed by reader Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a model elephant made entirely of peach pits. Elden feels it is not too early to come up with slogans for the 1996 presidential campaign. The contest is restricted to plausible candidates, but we will be very lenient in our definition of plausible. (Dukakis, sure. Limbaugh, yes. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, why not? The Energizer Bunny, no. Got it?) The first-prize winner will receive a framed photograph of President Clinton, personally autographed by Tony Kornheiser. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 22, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 19, in which we asked you to change, add or delete one letter of a common name or phrase, and supply a definition for what results. But first, a personal message to the eleventeen squadrillion winners of T-shirts and other fine prizes who have been bombarding us with inquiries about why they haven't received squat from us, including one man, whom we do not wish to embarrass by naming, who seemed unduly anxious to receive his promised underpants: The T-shirts and most of the other prizes have now been shipped. Thank you for your patience, particularly Ken Sandler of Alexandria, who now has our full, ha ha, support. Fifth Runner-Up: The Wizard of O -- Dorothy follows the road to true happiness. (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fourth Runner-Up: One fell snoop -- William Sessions. (Bruce Powers, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: The Few, the Proud, the Maxines -- Lacenecks in combat (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: It's the Economy Stupids -- Clinton, Bentsen and Panetta. (Jon Miller, Dumfries) First Runner-Up: Beverly Sills 90210 -- TV series about an overweight opera singer who is her own Zip code. (Bonnie Speary, Bethesda) And the winner of the Lava-Lite: Beat me up, Scotty -- the last words of Commander James T. "Kinky" Kirk. (Joseph H. Engel, Bethesda, and David J. Zvijac, Annandale) Honorable Mentions: George Oh Well -- writer who predicted 1984 would be just another year. (Jean C. Clancy, Fairfax) Candide Camera -- in which it is shown that making a fool out of yourself on TV is the best of all possible events. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Gergen's lotion -- soothes but doesn't cure. (Allen Moore, McLean. Also, Kris Morris, McLean) The Zen Commandments -- 1. The following Commandment is false. 2. The preceding Commandment is true. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) The Great White Hop -- Woody Harrelson in "White Men Can't Jump." (Kennon Smith, Glenn Dale) Four Coroners of the Earth -- the cleanup crew for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) George Tush -- butt of presidential jokes. (Stu Segal, Vienna) Hillary Rodham Clingon -- the First Lady's latest hairstyle. It features massive centerline part held in place with black spray paint. (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) National Pork Service -- Congress. (Allen Moore, McLean) New Pork City -- Washington, D.C. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Shootout at the U.K. Corral -- family dinners at Buckingham Palace. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Five Guys named Zoe -- Here's the new group of nominees. (Carl Yaffe, Silver Spring) Goys in the Military -- controversy that rocked the Israeli armed forces. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Arsenic Hall -- Poison-tongued talk-show host (Carin C. Quinn, Gaithersburg) Vaya Con Dior -- a farewell blessing among the very stylish. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bomb Dole -- he's got a short fuse. (Jon Miller, Dumfries) The White House Press Corpse -- George Stephanopoulos. (Brad Cooper and Paul Sparta, McLean) A Place Called Nope -- Bill Clinton's Washington. (Peter A. Molinaro, Oakton) The Washington Past -- newspaper living on Watergate reputation. (Dick Marvin, Burke) Don't Halve a Cow -- the motto of the anti-vivisection society. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Gesundheil -- the involuntary spastic salute during a sneeze. (Tom Crites, Gaithersburg) The Goodyear Blip -- Clinton's honeymoon with Congress. (Paul Sparta, McLean) Anais Nun -- repentant sensualist. (Jim Todhunter, Silver Spring) Have a nice dad -- sperm bank slogan. (Les Greenblatt, Washington) Barney Hubble -- Famed thinker who asked, "Is Bedrock expanding at a constant velocity?" (J. Preston Sparrer, Charlottesville) Mr. Id -- Catherine the Great's favorite mount. (Chuck and Mary Lou Smith, Woodbridge) And last: Style Invitational T-Shirk -- attempt to shame Style Invitational editors into coughing up a promised prize for the Week 6 runner-up from Glenn Dale. (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Next Week: Comic Relief ====================================================================== WEEK 23, published August 8, 1993 WEEK 23: HAPPY ENDINGS You scratch my back and… I'll slap you with a harassment suit. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the… street. Read my lips. New taxes. The only thing we have to fear is… tractor-trailers exploding on the Beltway. Watson, come here I… Damn. Hang on, Watson, there's another call coming in. This week's contest: Modernize an old quote or expression by altering its ending. First-prize winner received what may be the ugliest clock ever manufactured, a value of about $50. We will say only that it appears to be constructed entirely of licorice. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 23, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, August 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 20 in which we asked you to rewrite either of two 60-year-old comics, filling in balloons with contemporary subject matter. But first, a brief aside. We have received calls and letters requesting the name of the Czar of the Style Invitational. Regrettably, we cannot disclose this. At The Post, it is a closely guarded secret, like the identity of Deep Throat, which is known only to Bob Woodward and the Czar of The Style Invitational. Thank you. First Runner Up: Mark Brackett, Laurel(Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: Be reasonable, my dear. This cruel game must end. Give me back my penis and I will return your arm. (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: There, see? I have reattached your arm. Woman: But now my arm has a permanent crook in it! (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: Leave and don't return until you can give me an arm I can straighten like this one. (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door, partially out of sight) Woman: BEAST! Man: Egad, my feet also seem to be missing. And why am I wearing fishnet stockings? And the Winner of the Vintage Typewriter and six tomatoes from Joel Achenbach's garden: Tom Gearty, Washington (Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: Let me help you. I'm begging! Are you sure you're okay? You aren't in pain? (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: No nausea? No weakness? How does it feel when I twist this arm? Woman: It feels fine! Let me go! (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: For the last time, I feel great! Get lost! (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door) Woman: Don't show your face around here again, Kevorkian! Man: Promise you'll call me if you start to feel under the weather! Honorable Mentions: Paul Kondis, Alexandria (Man on knees extends both arms to woman, who is only visible from the left side) Man: I love you. I have always loved you. I knead you. (Man standing with woman, holding her by the right arm) Man: See how I knead you? May I have this arm in marriage? Woman: You are tiresome. (Woman points with left arm to man, who's standing in front of doorway) Woman: This is the arm you shall get! A forearm to the chops! Get out! (Woman in doorway, Man walking down stairs outside door) Woman: And none of your stupid puns on the way! Man: Alas, to be forward is to be forearmed. Steven King, Alexandria (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: You have to help me. I am accused of murder! Man: My god! I don't believe it! You seem so nice! (Woman leans forward) Woman: I did it, but I was suffering from pre-menstrual insanity. Man: Don't worry. We'll get your shrink to testify you were insane. (Woman stands up. Man collapse's back in chair.) Woman: I wish we could, Looie. But I killed him last month! Jim Tucker, Charlottesville (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: I'm sick of your lewd comments! I'm your secretary, not your mistress! Man: I'd love to change that right now! (Woman leans forward) Woman: That's it! I'm suing you for sexual harassment! Man: Fine. Perhaps Clarence Thomas will hear your case! (Woman stands up. Man collapse's back in chair.) Woman: Hmm. You're right. Let's go with option number two. Got a filet knife? And last: (Woody Franke, Reston) (Woman in a chair sitting across from shorter bald man with a mustache who's also sitting in a chair.) Woman: Dad, I'm going to join the marines. Man: Do you think that's wise, son? Next Week: A So-So Contest ====================================================================== WEEK 24, published August 15, 1993 Week 24: Ask Backwards Janet Reno's shoes Herbert Haft's hair To get to the other side Lorena Bobbitt or Hermann Goering Socks Don't ask, don't tell Michael Jackson's face The inventor of the urinary catheter It's the economy, stupid Heidi Fleiss's notebook Just Do It Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna Tax and spend Because he didn't inhale Ooo-bop-a-loo-bop-a-loo-bop-boom Marion Barry, Vaclav Havel and that guy in the Taster's Choice ad This week's contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Those are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more than one. Only one example. Answer: The inventor of the urinary cateter. Question: "Who has been, simultaneously, an enormous contributor to society and a great drain on it?" First-prize winner receives a pair of tickets to Memorial Stadium for a Bowie Baysox game, plus a pair of furry moose slippers with eyes and antlers and everything, a total value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 24, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 21, in which you were asked to describe things through So-So comparison. "Ross Perot is so unusual, it's said that when he was born they threw away the baby and raised the placenta." A splendid joke, when it was first applied to Tiny Tim in 1968. And: "George Burns is so old that when he was born the Dead Sea was just sick." This was originally said about George Bernard Shaw, who died in 1950. Fair warning: In the future, if you serve us chestnuts, we will roast you. Fifth Runner-Up: Donald Trump is so annoying that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: D.C. streets are so badly maintained they have more potholes than Jerry Garcia's sofa. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Mississippi River has been so aggressive, it is now being called the Msissippi. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) Second Runner-Up: Joe McGinniss is so original he deserves to win the Style Invitational, Ted Kennedy thought to himself. (Tom Jedele, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton has gained so much weight that I-495 has been renamed the Sansabeltway. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) And the winner of the Mortimer Snerd Ventriloquist's Dummy: Jack Kent Cooke is so litigious that I'm not going to finish this thought. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: The White House staff is so young that the most common question on Air Force One is, "Are we there yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The White House staff is so young they have to write home when they go to Camp David. (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) The White House staff is so inexperienced that it has never "been" with another staff. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Spike Lee is so desperate for a crossover hit that he is filming "Dennis the Menace II Society." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Saddam Hussein is so evil he will have to pass an ethics test to get into Hell. (Leonard Osterman, Potomac) Mayor Kelly is so sensitive to sexual harassment that she refuses to accept mail addressed to "The Hon. Sharon Pratt Kelly" because she is no one's "hon." (Carol V. Strachan, Silver Spring) Washington streets have so many potholes, it's like driving over a giant, deserted Whack-a-Mole game. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Don King has so much static in his hair, he electrocutes anyone who give him a noogie. (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) The White House is so full of Arkansans they are cutting crescent moons in the restroom doors. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Ross Perot is so paranoid his theories are laughed at by Oliver Stone. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Gov. Schaefer is so petty that he had "43" painted on his limo. (Greg Griswold, Falls Church) The Haft family is so dysfunctional that Herbert sold the family tree to Crown Books for pulp. (Christopher P. Nicholson, Arlington) Dan Quayle is so dumb. (Chris Rooney, Reston) And Last: The Style Invitational is so popular that the next Supreme Court justice will be chosen on the basis of "humor and originality." (Al Toner, Arlington) And Least: The Style Invitational is so funny I forgot to laugh. (Tony Buckley, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 25, published August 22, 1993 Week 25: Caption Crunch This Week's Contest: Write a caption for any of these photos. First-prize winner receives a wristwatch featuring a hologram of an eyeball, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 25, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 22, in which we asked you to come up with slogans for the 1996 presidential campaign. We restricted the contest to plausible candidates such as Richard Nixon and Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, specifically excluding only the Energizer Bunny. "Reelect Hillary" was clever, but it didn't win because our budget does not permit us to award 104 T-shirts. Fifth Runner-up: Joe McGinniss in '96. He's No Jack Kennedy. But He Knows What Jack Kennedy Is Thinking. (A.K. Merryman, Washington) Fourth Runner-up: Heidi Fleiss. Finally, Madam President (Holly McMullen, Potomac) Third Runner-up: Bill Clinton. Because He May Be Your Long-Lost Brother. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Second Runner-up: Joe Biden. Ask Not What Your Country Can Do for You, Ask What You Can Do for Your Country. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Dan Quayle. "A Chicken in Every Garage." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the framed photo of President Clinton, personally autographed by Tony Kornheiser: How Does PACKWOOD FOR PRESIDENT Grab You? (R. Sharp, Fredericksburg) Honorable Mentions: Marion Barry -- I Didn't Exhale. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Helms for President -- Don't Stop Thinking About Gomorrah. (William Saletan, Washington) Jack Kevorkian -- Solving the Population Crisis One Person at a Time. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Hillary Clinton -- I Am Not a Cook. (Michelle Stenger, Williamsburg) Ted Kennedy -- He'll Never Leave You High and Dry. (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) Lamar Alexander -- He'll Do for the Country What He Did for the Skools. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Bob Dole -- Vote for Me, You Pinheads. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Bush in '96 -- Sushi. Puke. Bad Idea. Won't Do It Again. Promise. (Michael Scott, Arlington) Paul Simon -- Like a Bridge Over Tepid Water (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Lyndon LaRouche -- In an Unstable World, We Need an Unstable Leader. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Jerry Brown -- A Free-Range Chicken in Every Pot. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) William F. Buckley Jr. -- Plain Talk, Articulated in a Paradigm of Recondite Erudition, Eschewing the Patois of Obfuscatory Neologism. (Michael Scott, Arlington) Cal Ripken Jr. in '96 -- At Least He'll Show Up for Work Every Day. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) Lick 'Em, Rosty. (William Saletan, Washington) Please Vote for Miss Manners. Thank You. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Tony Kornheiser -- A Natural-Born U.S. Citizen Over 35 Who Has Lived in This Country for at Least 14 Years. (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) And Last: Annoy the Media. Elect the Energizer Bunny. (Steven King, Alexandria) Next Week: Happy Endings ====================================================================== WEEK 26, published August 29, 1993 Week 26: Casting About for an Idea MARILYN QUAYLE as Nurse Ratched in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" BOB DOLE as Frank in "Blue Velvet" RONALD REAGAN as Jim on "Taxi" ROSS PEROT as Grumpy in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." This week's contest was proposed by Tom Gearty of Washington, who wins "Snot Nose," a rubber novelty item so appalling it cannot be further described. Tom wonders what would happen had certain individuals aspired to the stage instead of politics. Name a political person (past or present) and the TV or movie role in which he or she could have been cast. First-prize winner receives a peck of pickled peppers, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 26, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 23, in which we asked you to modernize old expressions by changing their endings. Sixth Runner-Up: How do I love thee? Let me count ... thy wage. (Joseph A. Pappano, Washington) Fifth Runner-Up: A penny saved is a penny ... taxed retroactively effective Jan. 1, 1993, at a marginal rate of 39.6 percent, accounting for a 10 percent surtax on income over $250,000. (Barry Hurewitz and Ali Smiley, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: To be ... Press "1." Not to be, press "2." Undecided, press "3." (Terri Dann, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: Shave and a haircut, two ... hundred dollars. (Joel Kawer, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up: And God saw that it was ... so-so, but went with it anyway. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: "I'll get you, my pretty ... and your little potbellied pig too." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And the winner of the ugliest clock on the face of the Earth: He that layeth with dogs riseth with ... Fleiss. (Pamela Zilly, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: The road to Hell is paved with ... Honorable Mentions. (Carol Haney McVey, Olney) Four score and ... one plays defense. (Brendan Lane, Gaithersburg) If it ain't broke ... your mechanic will just make up something. (Cesareo Blanco, N. Potomac) A rose by any other name ... is probably an infringement of copyright. (Anne-Marie Da Costa, Fairfax Station) I'd rather be right than ... secretary of housing and urban development. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Behind every good man ... or woman is a good woman or man. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) When a dog bites a man, that is not news, but when ... Elvis bites an alien, that is news. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Don't put all your eggs in one ... in vitro fertilization clinic, in case lawsuits develop later on. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Sic transit Gloria ... Steinem. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) He ain't heavy, he's my ... sister. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's not whether you win or lose ... it's whether you place higher than Chuck Smith, Woodbridge. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) O Canada ... BOOOOOO (Kurt Larrick, Burke) Keeping up with the Smith-Joneses (Karsten M. Brown, Front Royal) After coitus, every animal is ... worried. (Mark Johnson, Fairfax) I am not a ... miserable rodent of a person. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Hi there! What's your ... sign-on? (Rhona Bosin, Germantown) Is that a pickle in your pocket or ... are you having an aggressive male fantasy that degrades, oppresses and reduces me to the status of sex object? (Jim Todhunter, Silver Spring) Don't throw the baby out ... till you've checked with the biological father. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is ... ostracized and executed on trumped-up charges. (Cesareo Blanco, N. Potomac) Damn the torpedoes! ... Let's set achievable military objectives, make sure the United Nations will back us up, talk to the leadership of both parties of Congress, have the Pentagon prepare contingency plans and then proceed cautiously while maintaining deniability at all costs. (Eric E. McCollum, Fairfax) It was the best of times, it was the ... worst-case scenario. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) That's the oldest trick in the ... disk (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Every cloud has ... some silver nitrate. (Cynthia Sewell, Falls Church and Becky Cohen, Washington. Also, Clinton T. Gann, Falls Church) It's like looking for a needle in a ... Pepsi. (Siraj Ali, Silver Spring) Loose lips ... can be fixed with liposuction. (Michael Bonett, Mount Airy) And Last: But in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes ... and references to Lorena Bobbitt's cq/er filet knife in the Style Invitational. (Jon DeNunzio, Woodbridge) And: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers ... then sold it to the Style Invitational, which knows a good prize when it sees one. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Ask Backwards. ====================================================================== WEEK 27, published September 5, 1993 Week 27: It's the Eponomy, Stupid Perot. verb. To stand or sit next to someone important and make him feel insecure by saying inane but profound-sounding things. Pack. noun. An unwanted sexual advance more intrusive than a peck, as popularized by Sen. Bob Packwood of Oregon. Bobbitt. verb. To bob "it." Hooverville. noun. A room full of transvestites. This week's contest was proposed by Kitty Theurmer of Washington, who wins a commemorative dinner plate from Hope, Ark., featuring a likeness of President Clinton that appears to have been drawn by a mule or some other animal without opposable thumbs. Kitty suggests coining an eponym, a word or figure of speech based on the name of a famous person. You must define the word, and, if you wish, use it in a sentence. First-prize winner receives a gigantic flag of a cow, a value of approximately $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 27, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 24, in which we asked you to supply "Jeopardy!" questions to fit any of 16 answers we supplied. But first, a brief aside. We have a letter here from Forrest L. Miller of Rockville, addressed to the editor of The Style Invitational. The salutation reads: "Dear Chuck Smith of Woodbridge's mother ..." Alas, there does appear to be a teensy tide of resentment out there against Mr. Smith because of his sustained success in The Style Invitational. We would like to make it clear, first, that we are not Mr. Smith's mother, so far as we know. And second, that we are just as tired of sending Mr. Smith merchandise as you are of watching us send him merchandise. Week after week, he forces our hand. We hate Chuck Smith of Woodbridge and wish upon him a persistent fungal infection. Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Socks. Question: Who has also been neutered at the White House? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: To get to the other side. Question: Why did the chicken enter Dan Quayle's ear? (Mark A. Hagenau, Bowie) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. Question: Name two women whose IQ plus bust size equals 180. (Debby Prigal, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Herbert Haft's hair. Question: What is the only element in the Haft family currently not parted? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Socks. Question: What do the Clintons hide when hungry Arkansas relatives show up at the White House? (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Lorena Bobbitt or Mahatma Gandhi. Question: Who are two people whose spouse had a big red dot somewhere on their body? (Joey Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the fuzzy moose bedroom slippers plus tickets to a Bowie Baysox game: Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. Question: What do you get when you combine Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna? (Jacob Weinstein, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Answer: To get to the other side. Why did Dan Quayle break the mirror? (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Answer: Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna. What two women are most readily recognizable by their buns? (Karen Troccoli, Bethesda) Who are two women who wear cast-iron underwear? (Dot Devore, Frederick) Answer: The inventor of the urinary catheter. Who had an initial failure with his "urinary infuser"? (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) From whom would you not borrow tubing to siphon gas out of a tank? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What medical pioneer valued his peers among all others? (Scott Keeter, Arlington) Who also invented the Flavor Straw? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Lorena Bobbitt or Mahatma Gandhi Who was the wrong person to tell: "Don't make trouble. Just lie back, be quiet, and think of England"? (Jackson Bross, Chevy Chase) Name a Virginia woman or a Hindu leader who was the center of a bloody uprising. (Joan and Frank Sellers, Falls Church) Which celebrity, living or dead, would be a bad choice as the next spokesperson for Esskay all-meat franks? (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) Answer: Janet Reno's shoes. What did Eleanor Roosevelt donate to Goodwill in 1940? (Karen Kimmel-Militzer, Gaithersburg) What did William Sessions have surgically removed from his rear end? (Dan Shvodian, Bethesda) Answer: Oo-bop-a-loo-bop-a-loo-bop-boom. What is the sound of William Sessions going down a flight of stairs? (Tom Gearty, Washington) What was Alley Oop's name before Ellis Island? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Heidi Fleiss's notebook. What is something that men would overpay to get into and pay anything to get out of? (Larry Brett, Washington) What's the only place in Hollywood where Rodney Dangerfield comes before Harrison Ford? (Jacob Weinstein, Washington) Answer: Marion Barry, Vaclav Havel and that guy in the Taster's Choice ads. Who are the three latest men to reveal they are Bill Clinton's half-brothers? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.; also, Karen K. Kirschenbauer, Middleburg) Quien es mas macho? (Pasky Pascual, University Park) Who are the only people Joe McGinniss interviewed for "The Last Brother"? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Answer: Michael Jackson's face. What is Janet Jackson's face? (Mimi Murray, Charlottesville) What is Silicon Valley? (Tom Gearty, Washington) Answer: Don't Ask, Don't Tell. What is the dullest game show on TV? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Caption Crunch. ====================================================================== WEEK 28, published September 12, 1993 Week 28 : THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW OF REINVENTION To raise revenue, institute a two-drink minimum and $5 cover charge at White House state dinners. To promote tourism, rename the bad states to make them sound more inviting. New Jersey would become "East California." Utah would be "Sexland." To humanize our leaders and reduce government arrogance, pass a constitutional amendment requiring the president to wear short pants and a fez. Change the doctrine of "one man, one vote" to "one man, one beer." Require soldiers to car-pool into battle whenever possible. Were you as disappointed as we were by the Clinton administration's much-ballyhooed proposal to "reinvent government"? After all these many months, the best they can come up with are things like: "Reduce mohair subsidies"? Hey, if we are going to reinvent government, let's reinvent government. This week's contest: Propose some drastic change in government to help the economy or otherwise improve the quality of life in America. First-prize winner receives a T-shirt of an exploding pigeon from Hegins, Pa., plus a "humane mousetrap" from PETA, plus some plastic dog poop, a total value of about $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 28, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 25, in which we asked you to supply captions to any of four photographs we supplied. All runners-up, as well as the winner, refer to Photo B. Fourth Runner-up: Spring Break in Latvia (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Third Runner-up: Early auditions for "The Coneheads" movie went poorly. (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) Second Runner-Up: Controller of the Mars Observer mission continues to try to signal the errant spacecraft from mission control. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) First Runner-up: "Children of William Jefferson Blythe, unite!" (Christopher P. Nicholson, Arlington) And the winner of the eyeball-hologram watch: Robert Reich, diminutive secretary of labor, registers displeasure at the results of well-meaning but tragically inept medical efforts to help him grow another foot. (Fritz Stolzenbach, Arlington) Photo A: The DuPont Co. unveils its new line of Stainmaster poodles. (Tom Gearty, Washington) Socks's Secret Service guard. (Louise Trofimuk, Laurel) "This safe sex stuff has gone entirely too far." (James Christopher, Springfield) Superdog was foiled again as his approach was given away by the sound of his corduroy pants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Photo B: The early days of the Klan. (Andi Wildt, Vienna) Caught cheating at the state cartwheel finals. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "This is the prince. I'm looking for the woman whose head fits this boot." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Amazing photos show Rasputin using a Water Pic! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Early attempts to invent the shoehorn proved futile. (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) During the 1960s, the Berkeley cheerleading squad went all to hell. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After being fully restored and cleaned, the Capitol dome statue was actually revealed to be a sculpture of a drunken Rutherford B. Hayes. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) Photo taken during the famous "I Have a Delusion" speech. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Photo C: "Hmm. A cold fish as my next vice president? Worked for Clinton. Nope. Not gonna do it." (James Christopher, Springfield) Ex-President Bush displays the "rabbit" that attacked Jimmy Carter. (Louise Trofimuk, Laurel) "Isn't the 50th the Fish Anniversary, Barb?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) After Clinton played the sax on "Arsenio," President Bush tried to increase his hipness quotient by referring to his administration as "Country George and the Fish." (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) Evoking memories of LBJ and his basset hounds, President Bush hoists Tex, the First Fish, by the gills. (Art Stern, Arlington) Photo D: "Okay, Mr. Quayle. We have wiped that silly smirk off your face." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I told you not to play Rock-Paper-Scissors-Hand Grenade, didn't I? " (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Doctors put finishing touches on the world's first snowman-to- human head transplant. (Karsten Brown, Front Royal) Toilet-paper explosion survivor Josh Winkins considers himself blessed that he "wasn't sitting down when it went off." (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) And last: Having failed to "get a life" by conventional methods, contest geek Bob Zane attempts to have one surgically attached. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Next Week: Casting About for an Idea. ====================================================================== WEEK 29, published September 19, 1993 Week 29: American Airlines -- "Our Fares are Plummeting." Trojan Brand Condoms -- "We're Bursting With Pride." Dateline NBC -- "We Make it Happen" Air Jordans -- The Greatest? You Bet! This week's contest: Advertising slogans that still need a little work. Come up with an unfortunate slogan for any real product, service, or organization. First-prize winner receives a life-size inflatable moose head, plus a red playground ball, a value of approximately $55. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 29, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Urgent secret message to anyone still reading the fine print: Send us a photocopy of your awful driver's license picture. Worst pix win nifty, bizarre prizes. Thank you. All entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 26, in which we asked you to cast a politician in a famous TV or movie role. Poor Al Gore. What a stiff. You cast him as Bernie the corpse in "Weekend at Bernie's." You cast him in the title role of "The Maltese Falcon." As the host of "The Ed Sullivan Show." As Hymie the Robot in "Get Smart." We appreciated, but did not reward with prizes, some charmingly inappropriate entries, such as Strom Thurmond as Tony Manero in "Saturday Night Fever." Winners did not merely resort to cheap puns (Jack Kemp as Hud in "Hud"), nor rely on simple superficial physical resemblances (James Carville as Hannibal Lecter; J. Edgar Hoover as Fred Mertz). And no, we will not dignify certain horribly cruel castings, such as the one submitted by Meg Nazdin of Rockville, about Marilyn Quayle. Mr. Ed, indeed! Fourth Runner-Up: Leon Panetta as Raymond in "Rain Man." (Gloria Chonka, White Plains, Md.) Third Runner-Up: Donna Shalala as Pat from "Saturday Night Live." (Zinie Chen, Richmond) Second Runner-Up: Yasser Arafat as Ringo Starr in any Ringo movie. START NOTE: wasn't this same notion in Reliable Source today?/sbf (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Al Sharpton as The Mayor of the Munchkin City, in a county of the Land of Oz. (William Moschke, Grand Rapids, Mich.) And the winner of the peck of pickled peppers: Warren Christopher as Kukla, of "Kukla, Fran & Ollie." (John Mazza, Forestville, Md.) Honorable Mentions: Dan Quayle as the host of "Wheel of Fortune." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Millicent Fenwick as Popeye. (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) Ross Perot as the banjo playing kid in "Deliverance." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Michael Dukakis as Rod Serling on "The Twilight Zone." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bill Clinton as the kid in "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid." (Joyce Rains, Bethesda) Joe Biden as Eddie Haskell in "Leave It to Beaver." (Deborah J. Curry, Alexandria) John Sununu as Norm on "Cheers." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Granny in "The Beverly Hillbillies." (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Antonin Scalia and Joe Biden as the crooks in "Home Alone." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Warren Christopher as Pruneface in "Dick Tracy." (Gigi and David Thompson, Vienna) Barbara Mikulski as Babe Ruth in "The Babe." (Lynn Harding, Hyattsville) Nancy Reagan as the velociraptor cq/er in "Jurassic Park." (Laura Hoffman, Arlington) Deep Throat as Charlie on "Charlie's Angels." (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Ruth Bader Ginsburg as Gladys Ormphby cq/er from "Laugh-In." (John Crowley, Falls Church) And Last, J. Edgar Hoover as Mama Corleone in "The Godfather." (Mark Welch, Alexandria) Next: It's The Eponymy, Stupid. ====================================================================== WEEK 30, published September 26, 1993 Week 30: The Rorschach Of The Crowd This Week's Contest: Interpret any of these ink blots. If you rotate one, please indicate which end is up. First-prize winner receives a two-person horse costume for Halloween, a value of $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 30, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Urgent secret emergency message to anyone still reading the fine print: For reasons that will become apparent, we are desperate for funny material next week! Get your favorite jokes to us by Wednesday. The best will win a fine vintage toaster. Thank you. Now back to our regularly scheduled blather. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 27, in which we asked you to coin eponyms, words based on the names of famous people. Fourth Runner-Up: STOCK!DALE noun The place your mind wanders off to when you daydream. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Third Runner-Up: To CUO!MO verb To edge forward and back up repeatedly when attempting to turn onto a busy thoroughfare, to the annoyance of other drivers. (Peter Owen, Williamsburg) Second Runner-Up: DEE DEE noun Short, substanceless commentary. "I went to the press conference hoping for a good story, but all I got was dee dee." (Kate Sparks and Sarah Ducich, Washington, and Laura Sokol, Warsaw.) First Runner-Up: To PACK WOOD verb To be glad to see someone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the giant flag of a cow: To SHA!LIK!A!SHVI!LI verb To ensure a low profile for a program or agency by appointing a director whose name no one can pronounce or spell or even fit in a headline. "We finally shalikashvilied the White House travel office by appointing Joe Bkistellzrtngounmr!" (Sharon Kuykendall, Takoma Park) Elvises: SPIN!O!ZA noun A philosophical underpinning used to support a specious statement or argument. "The White House put the old spinoza on reactions to the president's health care plan." (Stuart A. Segal, Vienna) HAM!LISCH MA!NEU!VER noun The hugging of oneself. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) LIM!BAUGH!GER noun A huge, soft white cheese with a very strong odor and flavor. Hard to digest. (Jeff Gold, Washington) GER!GEN!ZO!LA noun A smooth, bland cheese. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) To TED!DY verb To take off one's pants and act nonchalantly. "You know, I think Mike has been acting pretty weird lately. He's teddied before, but now he does it all the time at parties." (Nick Dierman, Potomac) To CHUNG verb To ruin something by making it too cute. "That was a great house till they chunged it up with Precious-Moment figurines." (Kate Sparks and Sarah Ducich, Washington, and Laura Sokol, Warsaw) To SU!NU!NU verb To fly long distances at government expense to keep an appointment with the family dentist. "I'm Sununuing at Martha's Vineyard this year." (John Kupiec, Springfield) TSONG noun A sensible melody that no one wants to hear. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) MC!GINN!ISS STOUT noun Faux beer. (Stefanie Weldon, Silver Spring) CLIN*TON noun A bulk unit of fast-food hamburgers, usu. 2,000 pounds. "Over four Clintons sold." (Larry Schuler, Fairfax) To SHAT!NER verb To chew the scenery, swallow it and convert it to fatty tissue. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) DOLE!BY noun A sound system used to amplify unwanted white noise. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) LOV!ETT noun Someone extremely lucky in love. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) HELMS!MAN noun Head of a knee-jerk conservative organization. (Linda and Eric M. Drattell, North Potomac) HAFT & HAFT noun A dairy creamer with a shelf-life of 40 years, after which it separates. (Joanne Findley, West River, Md.) ROBB noun A nude massage, and nothing else. "Mmmm, thank you Sven, dahling, you know I needed more than a robb." (David H. Green, Great Falls) AL!GO*RITHM METH!OD noun A system of birth control based on boring one's partner into disinterest. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville; also, Ken Linker, Falls Church) NIX!ON!ER!ATED verb, past tense Cleared of criminal responsibility while still remaining guilty and pernicious in the popular mind. "Ollie North was nixonerated in the Iran-contra affair." (Tom Gearty, Arlington) And Last: CHUCK!SMITH noun A collector of T-shirts. (Donald L. Thompson, Gaithersburg) CHUCK noun A T-shirt for losers, as popularized by Chuck Smith, Woodbridge. "The Chuck's in the mail." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) EL!VIS noun An honorable mention. "Dang! Not another Elvis!" (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Some Desperate Attempt To Be Funny ====================================================================== WEEK 31, published October 3, 1993 WEEK 31: INVITATION TO A DUAL There are two kinds of people in the world ... ... People who talk about their colleagues and people who talk about people who talk about their colleagues. ... People without dentures and people who find Andy Rooney a hoot. ... People who are good with numbers, people who are bad with numbers, and people who are very, very bad with numbers. ... Carbon-based, and Michael Jackson. ... People who think they are God's gift to women, and women. ... Raw and cooked. This week's contest: Translate "Beowulf" from the original olde English. No, obviously, this week's contest is to divide the world into two types of people. To the best of our knowledge, this conceit was first used in 1962 by some shmendrick comedian who said there were two types of people in the world, people who have the toilet paper spool out from above and people who have it spool out from below. Much has occurred since 1962 to help us further oversimplify the world, so have at it lustily. If you do not get the concept here, do not be upset. There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who get it, and those who do not. First-prize winner receives one of those official American flags that have been flown over the U.S. Capitol for a few seconds, plus a certificate of its authenticity, a total value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 31, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 28, in which you were asked to come up with ways to reinvent government in order to save money or improve the quality of life in America. First, we'd like to say that you are all geniuses. We'd like to say that, but we cannot. We must report, with avuncular disapproval, that your entries this week were every bit as original and creative as a Bazooka Joe comic. As your thousands of doltish, pedestrian responses flooded our mail and fax machines, we panicked. Needing desperately to fill this space (we will not print unfunny things; this is just the way we are), deep in the fine print of the next contest, we inserted a pathetic plea for filler material. Two weeks ago we solicited bad photos from your driver licenses, and the best we got was from Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who apologized for how awful she looked, but it was a bad hair day, too early in the morning, she was feeling cranky etc. The photo was of Raymond Burr. Linda wins a plastic booger. The only other notable response came from the redoubtable Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who appears, from his photograph, to be a woman. So last week, now wretchedly desperate, we again violated our fine print with requests for jokes, and of the dozens of jokes we received, this was the best: Q: "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" A: "It was dead." All in all, not a good week. Anyway, back to reinventing government. Third Runner-Up: To make Americans more secure abroad, create a small, mobile strike force of disgruntled postal workers. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Vanity postage stamps. (Nora Corrigan, Reston; also, Dave Ferry, Potomac) First Runner-Up: To balance the budget, make the new tax law retroactive to April 1925. (Douglas H. Ricker, Beltsville) And the winner of the exploding-pigeon T-shirt, the plastic dog poop and the humane mousetrap: To raise money and solve the problem of unwanted animals, follow the example of the architect of the Capitol, who runs ordinary flags up the national flagpole for a few seconds and then sells them: Take dogs and cats from the local shelters, stampede them through the White House and then market them as prestige pets." (E. Gaston, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: To reduce frivolous lawmaking, require members of Congress to wear lederhosen and yodel their bills on national television. (Hugh McAloon, Frederick) To save money, change the signs in the National Zoo to read, "Please Feed the Animals." (Paul Styrene, Olney) Stop paying for Secret Service agents; let Clinton pack heat. (Chase Squires, Arlington) To confirm Cabinet-level appointees, add a swimsuit competition. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) To revitalize the insurance industry, make all traffic lights green. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) To raise the national grade point average, drop geography from the curriculum. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) To camouflage and protect tourists, require all rental cars to have religious bumper stickers, mirror danglies, Garfield window dolls etc. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) To save gas, require that only clown cars can use the HOV lanes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) NEXT WEEK: Your Triumphant Recovery. Ad Nauseam. ====================================================================== WEEK 32, published October 10, 1993 Week 32:Fatal Art Attack A man is crucified, with nails, to the back of a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle. A friend drives him around San Francisco. A naked man locks himself in a closet with a coyote. They howl. A puzzled crowd gathers. A priest conducts an elaborate wedding ceremony, complete with Scripture and organ music and best man and maid of honor, joining forever in holy matrimony the Statue of Liberty and a statue of Christopher Columbus. A woman shakes hands with every garbageman in New York City. A man circles the globe in a boat, dropping elaborately engraved boulders into the ocean, where they will sink to the bottom, never to be seen again unless the earth dries up, all life perishes, and we are visited by aliens. A man passes through his body an entire double-decker bus. He does this by chopping it into bite-size portions, and eating it. It takes five years. We thought of this week's contest after reading about a performance artist who got a $4,000 grant to paint feminist phrases on the sides of 70 cows, one word per cow, and then letting the cows graze so the words got jumbled. Is this a great country, or what? This week's contest: In 50 words or fewer, describe a performance art concept that might get public funding. Winners will be audacious enough to seem like art, but pretentious enough to seem to have a social "message." Hey, this can't be very hard. All of the examples above are real. Someone proposed them, someone funded them, and they got performed. First-prize winner receives an elegant, adult-size Fred Flintstone costume, delivered in time for Halloween, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 32, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 29, in which we asked you for unfortunate advertising slogans. Yeah, yeah. We know. "Eureka Vacuum Cleaners: We Really Suck." And, "Miami: A Vacation to Die For." Our rule of thumb is that if more than two people come up with the same idea, regardless of its wit, it flunks the originality test. So we cannot honor by name the four entrants who submitted this most excellent slogan: "Denny's. For People With Discriminating Taste." We also will not name the individual, well known to many of you, who gets a gigantic goose egg this week, a feeble zero, the big bagel, the toilet seat of shame, because he stank up the joint with his highly inadequate entries. Hahahaha. No shirts this week for your bulging closet, Mister I-Am-So-Clever-by-Half! Not that we are bitter. Sixth Runner-Up: "Miami. Gateway to Paradise." (Rick von Behren, Glenn Dale) Fifth Runner-Up: The Saturn. "Remember That First Car of Your Dreams? We Recall Ours." (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: The City of Los Angeles. "We'll Treat You Like a King." (Michael R. Megargee, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: "Lincoln. The Cadillac of Cars." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: Trojan Condoms. "It's the One Your Father Used." (Christina Bahl, Columbia) First Runner-Up: Sears Auto Repair. "No Problem, We'll Fix It." (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And the winner of the life-size inflatable moose head: The Hubble Telescope Corp.: "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Aquaban Diuretic: "We're Number One!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Otis Elevators: "We Won't Let You Down." (Mary Ann Curtin, Annapolis; also, Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) R.J. Reynolds Tobacco: "A Growth Industry." (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) Pepsi-Cola: "Don't Get Stuck With Any Other Soft Drink." (Gene Lesser, Falls Church; also, Holly Hacker, Rockville) Amtrak: "Take the Plunge!" (David M. Howe, Pittsburgh) Cellular One Telephone: "We Don't Give You a Lot of Talk." (Michael Scott, Arlington) "Switch to Clearasil. Break Out From the Pack." (Michael Scott, Arlington) Suzuki Samurai: "You'll Flip Over Our Low Prices." (Sheryl Katz, Washington; also, Katherine Fink, Burke) Midas Brakes: "There's No Stopping Us Now!" (Ed Leonardo, Arlington; also, Paul F. Krause, Fredericksburg) Bell Atlantic Cellular Phones: "When You Talk, We Listen." (Roz Jonas, Bethesda) Dinty Moore Beef Stew: "We Put a Little Bit of Ourselves Into Everything We Do!" (Anne-Marie Da Costa, Fairfax Station) Weight Watchers: "Join Us. You Can't Lose." (Walter H. Kopp, Annandale) AT&T: "We Stay Busy for You." (Walter H. Kopp, Annandale) Denny's: "A Taste of the Old South." (Tony Buckley, Washington) Michelin: "Going Flat Out to Keep Your Business." (Peggy Hyde, Charlottesville) Schick Razors: "A Cut Above the Rest." (Fran Ludman, Baltimore) Chiquita Bananas: "We'll Spoil You Rotten." (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville) Packwood Reelection Committee: "Keeping in Touch With Our Constituents." (Michael R. Megargee, Arlington) Next Week: The Rorschach of the Crowd. ====================================================================== WEEK 33, published October 17, 1993 Week 33: Post Impressionism. If the Lincoln assassination had been covered by Tony Kornheiser: SIC SEMPER ABSURDIS By Tony Kornheiser The other day I was thinking about myself, how I'm kind of bald and fat, not needing-a-forklift-to-get-outta-bed fat, just kind of soft and blubbery and with a lot of ear wax. Anyway, in comes my friend Nancy, which is not her real name because I made her up, and she tells me that some no-talent putz of an actor with a mustache like cow cud has administered a hot-lead noogie to President Abraham "Yes, My Name is Abe But I Didn't Go to No Yeshiva" Lincoln, who ... This week's contest: Give us the opening lines of a big story from American history as it might have been written by someone whose work appears in the Washington Post. Maximum 100 words. You must choose one of three news stories: "Lincoln Assassinated," "Stock Market Crashes" or "Man Walks on Moon." You may choose any writer you wish: Richard Cohen. Miss Manners. Buchwald. Barry. Broder. The Reliable Source. Why Things Are. The Post editorial board. Anyone at all, anywhere in the paper. First-prize winner gets "Mickey's Clock Shop," a yammering plastic Christmas display featuring Mickey, Goofy, Pluto and Donald singing 40 festive seasonal songs in a ceaseless, tinny soprano. A value of $99, this is our finest prize to date, with the possible exception of the two-person horse costume. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 32, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 30, in which you were asked to interpret any of four Rorschach ink blots. Disturbing results. Thousands of entries, many of them too crude to publish -- even for the Style Invitational, which traffics proudly in subliminal poopy jokes. The things you saw in these innocuous blots! And you were unnervingly synchronous: More than a dozen of you turned Blot C upside down and saw "Ross Perot in a pith helmet explaining his economic program, using Richard Nixon hand puppets." Frankly, it weirded us out. *Seventh Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A) Brain surgery by corkscrew, a money-saving procedure under the Clinton health plan (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) *Sixth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot A, upside down) Bill Clinton's Harley, with training wheels (Ken Wood, Columbia) *Fifth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) Minnie Mouse at the gynecologist (Wendy Borsari, Washington; also, Dave Zarrow, Herndon, and Heidi Moore, Alexandria) *Fourth Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) J. Edgar Hoover, playing "I'm a Little Teapot" (Sue Davis, Beltsville) *Third Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D) The avenging angel of clubbed baby seals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) *Second Runner-Up: (Ink Blot D, upside down) A rabbinical student flexes his muscles for the much-coveted Mr. Tel Aviv trophy (Matthew J. Peterkin, Washington) *First Runner-Up: (Ink Blot C) "I can't keep going and going and going. My feet are killing me!" (James H. McDonough, Indian Head) And the winner of the two-person horse costume:(Ink Blot C) Disney horror! Mickey Mouse spotted carrying two severed heads! (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Ink Blot A: Carmen Miranda on a bad fruit day (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.; also, Claire Timms, Fredericksburg) Dogs' spit-in-the-cup contest (Ann Hall, Fort Belvoir) The Mayan god of panhandlers (Gregory Dunn and Karen Wright, Alexandria) Two Bavarian beer drinkers with big hangovers (Barbara Kallas, Washington) Ink Blot B: Socks found "sleeping" on Pennsylvania Avenue (Bob & Lisa Waters, Andrews Air Force Base) Socks, after 10 minutes in the dryer (Lynne DePaso, Herndon) (upside down) Olive Oyl on the cotton-candy weight gain plan (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Garfield the Sailor Man (Bill Myrons, Crofton; also, Adam Hirschfeld, Annandale) (upside down) Lani Guinier, cheerleader (Joyce Small, Herndon) The Tasmanian devil at ballet class (Beth Tucker, Manassas) Ink Blot C: (upside down) The Big Bad Wolf polishes off that first little piggy (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Attack rabbit" as seen by Jimmy Carter (Stu Segal, Vienna) New, non-threatening Tailhook convention logo (Robin D. Grove, Washington) (upside down) Bob Dole (Elizabeth Rangan, Dayton, Md.) Ink Blot D (upside down) The director of "Roseanne" backs the star into her chair through hand signals (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) A Lamb-Chop-skin rug (Dan and Lecia Harbacevich, Stephens City, Va.) Cabbage Patch roadkill (Katherine Struck, Columbia) ====================================================================== WEEK 34, published October 24, 1993 WEEK 34: INSPECT A GADGET THIS WEEK'S CONTEST -- Tell us: What do these machines do? Choose one, or more than one. Winner receives a handsome first edition of "A Practical Book for Practical People," an eccentric volume published in 1895 containing celebrity monographs on such topics as "Tariff Legislation," "An Oration on Christopher Columbus," "The Importance of Sincerity," "How to Grow Potatoes" "The Rights of Married Women" (she may sign contracts, but in Rhode Island her note is not valid absent consent of her husband) and "The Proper Pronunciation of Commonly Used Words" ("yclept" and "zoave," for example). Because Mary Ann the Lawyer requires this, we hereby assign this obviously priceless prize an arbitrary value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 34, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. (Mary Ann the Lawyer also requires us to say this, though it is absurd on its face. As if, in homes all over greater Washington each Sunday, the following conversation occurs: "Where are you going, dear?" "To the local public library so that I may enter The Style Invitational without spending a buck and a half.") Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 31, in which we asked you to divide the world into two types of people. For some reason, this contest, more than most, encouraged the flogging of dead horses and grinding of ideological axes. "Vegetarians, and ruthless murderers." "Those who teach, and those who couldn't do what they do if they hadn't been taught." Not to mention the always charming "Women, and rapists." One excellent entry was submitted by three people and therefore narrowly failed the recently established only-one-per-thousand-entries originality test: "People who leave the seat up, and people who fall in." There are two kinds of people in the world: Sixth Runner-Up: People who can't do anything right, and their mothers. (Nora Corrigan, Reston) Fifth Runner-Up: People who support Ross Perot, and sleazy space aliens out to ruin his daughter's wedding. (Chase Squires, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: People opposing abortion but favoring the death penalty, and people approving of abortion but opposing the death penalty. (Chas. A. Henry, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: People with short attention spans. (David and Janie Honigs, Hagerstown) Second Runner-Up: People who wish they were married, and people who wish they were single. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Friends of Bill, and relatives of Bill. (Donald Courtney, Olney) And the Winner of the official flag flown over the Capitol: People who preferred when Miss America contestants had their hair and makeup done for them by professionals, and people who wish that the contestants be required to do their own hair and makeup after being blindfolded and spun around until they are dizzy, as part of the "talent" competition. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Below-average people, and grandchildren. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) People who understand Dave Barry when, as Mr. Language Person, he tries to warn us about the imminent danger of COW'S cq that are at this very moment EXPLODING inside your neighbor's COMMODE!, and people who understand George Will. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) People who dress shabbily, and people who can't afford designer clothes. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Solipsists. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) People who are good at grammar, and people whom are not good at grammar. (Mike Sacks, Washington) Women, and men who don't have the courage to have a sex change. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Normal people, and people with bumper stickers that say "I < my pygmy goat." (Steve Wangsness, Arlington) People who think Elvis Presley is alive, and people who think Paul McCartney is. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Oliver Stone, and conspirators. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) People who know how to drive, and hazardous-chemical truck drivers. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Those who can read others' thoughts, and those who laugh behind my back but will feel the purifying fire. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Itchy, and scratchy. (Mandy Dramstad, Washington) People who win the lottery, and people who win the plastic dog poop. (E. Gaston, Alexandria) And Last: Egotistical, self-absorbed megalomaniacs who need to get their names in the paper, and "Steven King, Alexandria." (Steven King, Alexandria) ====================================================================== WEEK 35, published October 31, 1993 Week 35: Light At The End? This week's contest: Tell the federal government what it should do with the 14-mile-long, 15-foot-diameter sausage-shaped tunnel it dug near Waxahachie, Tex., for the Superconducting Super Collider project that was scrapped by Congress last week. 1. End world hunger by using it to make the world's largest bratwurst. 2. A Habitrail for rhinoceroses. 3. A very large diagram to explain to residents of the American southwest what a bagel looks like. 4. Lay down 15 miles of cheap, fuzzy carpet and make it a laboratory to unravel the mysteries of static electricity. 5. Build a really big city on top and make it the world's largest municipal septic tank. First-prize winner receives three terra cotta lawn pigs, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 35, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Hi! This is the Faerie of the Fine Print. Do you have a really really bad middle name? Send your name, with proof (such as a photocopy of your birth certificate or driver's license). Dorkiest names get losers' T-shirts. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 31, in which you were asked to come up with concepts for performance art audacious enough to seem like art, but pretentious enough to get public funding. Fourth Runner-Up: A man dressed as a police officer goes into Arlington National Cemetery, stopping at each tombstone and saying, "You have the right to remain silent." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Seven bistro-style tables surrounded by chairs are randomly arranged in a room. People are laughing, talking, eating and drinking. Suspended above them is a six-foot Plexiglas cube. Inside, a naked man hangs upside down by ankle shackles. He is smoking. He smokes until the glass box is filled with smoke and he can no longer be seen. The title of the piece is "Smoking Section." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Second Runner-Up: The poor are invited to a picnic featuring free watermelons, and are photographed randomly. They do not know that the watermelons were grown from seeds that have passed through the digestive systems of members of Congress. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Five million yards of gold lame' are used to sew an evening gown for the J. Edgar Hoover Building. (Jan Verrey, Arlington) And the winner of the Fred Flintstone costume: A woman advertises a major speech on health care reform. When the 10,000-seat arena fills up, she stands at the lectern clearing her throat, tap-tapping the mike, and saying, "Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?" until every last member of the audience gets embarrassed and leaves. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: A major art exhibit is scheduled, featuring many famous paintings. The paintings are displayed, but turned to face the wall, so only the backs of the canvases can be seen. Air is pumped into the gallery from the men's room of a nearby Mexican restaurant. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Two cars are hitched together with a towing bar. One artist gets in each of the cars, and they drive up and down the interstate in HOV-2 lanes. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) A man attempts to place an entire side of beef in the overhead bin of a full shuttle flight to New York. (Stu Segal, Vienna) A box is placed on display in a museum. The cover is closed, but not locked. A sign below the box explains that there is a magnificent painting inside, but that the box is booby-trapped. The instant it is opened, acid will spatter the artwork, ruining it. (Brian Easter, Centreville) A deaf woman gives a dramatic sign-language rendition of the "I Have a Dream" speech to a room full of blind Ku Klux Klan members. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) A woman dressed as a meter maid places $5 bills and "Thank you for parking in D.C." fliers on all cars parked on downtown streets. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) A man dressed as the Easter Bunny drives a VW bus through tollbooths without paying until he gets arrested. A man dressed as the Tooth Fairy comes to bail him out. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) A man and a woman play "Rock Paper Scissors Match" to the death. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) A man writes a check, made out to himself, for the precise amount of the national debt. He tries to cash it at a bank. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) The following phrase is displayed on buses and billboards throughout the city: "If you don't like this then you don't understand it." (Mark Horowitz, Los Angeles) A man goes from one government agency to another applying for work using the voice and mannerisms of Curly from the Three Stooges. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And Last: A man goes to work every weekday for 45 years, receives a gold watch, and dies. (Dick Chenoweth, Silver Spring) NEXT WEEK: Post Impressionism. ====================================================================== WEEK 36, published November 7, 1993 Week 36: Scam on Wry 1. Chisel onto stone tablets Bill Clinton's inaugural speech, translated into Sanskrit, and bury it at the site of a present archaeological dig. 2. Make a sign that says "Valet Parking." Rent a tuxedo. Stand outside a fancy restaurant. Some person will give you his nice car. Drive it away. 3. Walk into an ethnic restaurant and saunter past diners into the kitchen, carrying a cat in a cage. 4. Tell Bob Packwood that there is an attractive woman out there who thinks he should be forgiven and wants to date him. When he gets all lathered up, send over Lorena Bobbitt. This week's contest: Come up with a trick you can play, for fun, profit, or deliverance of a well-needed comeuppance. This was inspired by an entry to last week's contest submitted by Mike Merman, of College Park. Mike wins some "Snot Candy" in an attractive plastic nose. First-prize winner receives a plastic clock with a tasteful Last Supper motif, including plastic cherubs, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 36, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Hi. This is the Faerie of the Fine Print, again. Any more dorky middle names out there? Send us your middle name, with proof, and maybe win a loser's t-shirt. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 33, in which you were asked to cover the moon landing, the Lincoln assassination or the stock market crash in the style of someone whose work regularly appears in the Washington Post. One comment: You should all be lined up against a wall and shot. Fourth Runner-Up Bob Levey's Washington Mary Todd Lincoln has a suggestion for the folks at Ford's Theatre. Seems Mrs. Lincoln was attending a play at the theater last week when an assassin shot her husband. Mrs. Lincoln believes the whole thing could have been avoided if Ford's adopted a policy requiring assassins to check their weapons. How 'bout it, Ford's?(Elizabeth C. Kelley, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Free for All Dissing Mary Todd In your report on President Lincoln's death, you describe Mary Todd Lincoln's attire as "tight-bodiced." I question whether a similar description of the snugness of President Lincoln's trousers would merit inclusion if the roles were reversed. -- Jane Smith (Mike Megargee, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: By Colman McCarthy Mourn not for Lincoln. As a young man, the future dictator murdered rabbits for "food" and "clothes" rather than eat and wear the plentiful and tasty acorns, twigs and dirt of his native Kentucky ... (John McMahon, Warrenton) First Runner-Up: Moonlight Becomes Me By Richard Cohen As a boy growing up in New York, I felt a certain possessiveness concerning the moon. It shone more brightly not just on me, but on friends and neighborhood as well. I vividly remember an important occasion involving the moon. The eve of my bar mitzvah. That night, trying on my very first new suit, a shiny blue serge job, I recall the moonlight reflecting off the material. I had become one with the cosmos. Years later, when Man actually walked on my moon, as an American I felt proud. Yet, somehow, violated. This dichotomy ... (Peter Charles, Alexandria) And the Winner of Mickey's Clock Shop: CARTOON OF THE FAR SIDE ... Suddenly, Neil's day took a turn for the worse. (Stephen Licht, Kensington) Honorable Mentions: Gentiles Walk on Moon By Richard Cohen While on vacation in Berlin last week -- where, I might add, the women's couture is less dowdy than that of Washington, but lacks that certain gnadiges plutzenheimersheit of, say, Paris -- I was reminded of the carefree days of my youth, some 25 years after Hitler invaded Poland... . (Kitty Thuermer, Washington.) Bob Levey's Washington Hey, folks! Here's this month's neologism contest: You're a Wall Street stockbroker, and you've just been ruined in the big crash. Bereft of hope, you leap off the roof of your downtown office building. As you plummet toward certain death, that funny little tickly feeling you get in your stomach is called ... The winner receives an all-expense-paid lunch for two with yours truly at the soup kitchen of his or her choice. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) By Judy Mann As I was reading The Washington Post today, noticing yet again that all the meaty articles were written by men, my daughter rushed over to tell me the news she had just heard on the TV set in the den. (Den: Such a masculine word!) A man had walked on the moon. I shouldn't have been surprised that a man was doing the walking. Yes, men walk, leaving women to fend for themselves, while they go on to marry younger women ... (Barbara Rich, Charlottesville) Federal Diary, by Mike Causey: Civil Servants Walk on Moon ... (Dan Harbacevich, Stephens City) The Reliable Source April was a bad month for ... Abraham Lincoln (Joyce Small, Herndon) And Last: Style Invitational, Report from Week 17, in which you were asked to come up with President Lincoln's probable last words: Second Runner-Up: "Did you hear something, Mary?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: "You've got a headache?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of a big wad of leftover rebel hardtack: "Aw, I need a bodyguard like a need a hole in my head." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (Stan Capper, Waldorf) Next Week: Inspect A Gadget ====================================================================== WEEK 37, published November 14, 1993 Week 37: A State of Disgrace State name: "New Colombia" State Bird: The snipe. Or, the grouse. State Slogan: "The Shoot-Me State." Also, "The Totally Square State." State Flower: The Pink Parking Ticket. State Capital: Kinko's Copy Center at 4250 Connecticut Ave. NW State Joke: How many residents of New Colombia does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five. One to screw in the bulb, one to chronicle the exploit in a press release, one to indignantly deny that anyone screwed anything, one to smoke a giant loaf of "crack," and Lorena Bobbitt. Early next year, we are reliably informed, Congress is likely to take up the matter of statehood for D.C. We contend the proposed state name of "New Columbia" is not sufficiently descriptive for the nation's capital. Moreover, no serious thought has been given to other equally important considerations. This Week's Contest -- Propose any of the following: A State Name. A State Flower. A State Bird. A State Slogan. A State Capital. A Governor. An insulting state joke. Best single item gets a framed photograph of Gov. Marion Barry, personally autographed by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, unless the winner is Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, in which case the photograph will be autographed by Gary Patishnock of Laurel. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 37, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Last call for dorky middle names. Send them to The Style Invitational, Faerie of The Fine Print, with proof, and maybe win a loser's T-shirt. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 34, in which you were asked to tell us what any of these four gadgets did. Eighth Runner-Up: They are obviously sequential. Gadget 3 is "Star Wars" program as designed under Ronald Reagan. Gadget 1 is "Star Wars" program as modified under George Bush. Gadget 2 is "Star Wars" program redesigned and approved by Congress for $1.2 billion. Gadget 4 is actual "Star Wars" implemented after spending $ 4.3 billion. (David Graziano, Springfield) Seventh Runner-Up: Gadget 3 is the world's most obvious trick squirting flower. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Sixth Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is a pooper scooper for a dog with a colostomy. (Lee Rainie and Rich Folkers, McLean and Kensington) Fifth Runner-Up: Gadget 4 is a working model of the government's latest proposal to balance the budget. (Bob Ambler, Gaithersburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is the Energizer Bunny, as built in Mexico under NAFTA. Notice the sombrero. It keeps going and g (Joan and Frank Sellers, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Gadget 1 is a tragically misdirected NASA probe to Pluto. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Gadget 3 is the "Wedding Disruptor" worn by the flower guy at the ceremony of Ross Perot's daughter. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: Gadget 3, designed at a cost of $2.6 billion by the McDonnell-Douglas Corp. at the request of the Pentagon, is the long-awaited armed services "Pansy Detector." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) And the winner of the bizarre 1895 book, "A Practical Book for Practical People": Gadget 2 -- Instruction: Welcome to your new machine. Steps a) to e) are in order to convenience you. Number a) is to start the turn. Place b) to gear in precise and careful to hear the satisfactory noise. c) Shoe part. Make the balance part d) therefore the toe of shoe part to point in similar direction to aperture f). Look! Danger to reverse this process. When all is connection, platform e) will benefit the result. (The Reef family, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Gadget 1: The Ray-O-Vac Puppy. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; also Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) A device to help firemen find hydrants on crowded urban streets. (Bob Ambler, Gaithersburg) A Golden Receiver. (Donna Costlow, Washington) NASA's newest satellite tracking system, preparing for yet another "fetch" mission. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) The Chia TV. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Hubble the Space Dog. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) A typographical error in a NASA invoice leads government contractors to design a Solid Poopellant Rocket Launcher. (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton) Gadget 2: Automatic Monopoly token advancer (shown with "shoe"). (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) I don't know what it does, but we have one at work. It breaks at least once a week. (Fil Feit, Annandale) "How a Bill Becomes Law." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Random Comic Insertion Programmer -- This device ensures that the Washington Post comics will never be placed in the same section during the weekdays. (John Anders, Westminster) Gadget 3: "Depends" enters the 21st century. (Hugh McAloon, Frederick) RoboBee. (Dan Thomas, Woodstock, Md.) Halloween accessory: Pre-frontal lobotomy or Treat! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Department of Defense specification watering can. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Human Squirt gag. Large flowers often wear these on the lapel. (Vincent Rivellese, Washington) Lets the wearer know what Bill Clinton is thinking. (Currently leaning left, looking over his shoulder, pointing in two directions, getting attention for his haircut, handling Flowers surprisingly well and weighted down by think tanks.) (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Gadget 4: A Picasso portrait of Madonna. (James Day, Gaithersburg) Playtex crossed the support of a push-up bra with the comfort of a pastie. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) New environmentally safe unleaded lead weights. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Ross Perot trial balloon. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Since the black box always survives the crash, the entire aircraft, with the exception of the balloons, is made of the black box. (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Prince's new middle name. (Chas. A. Henry, Fairfax Sation) And Last: Gadget 4: The next Style Invitational Prize, valued at $50. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville; also Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Next Week: Pranks for the Memories. ====================================================================== WEEK 38, published November 21, 1993 Week 38: Ask Backwards II Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso The Fattest Human Being On Earth Anywhere He Wants To A Great Big Sucking Sound Th-Th-Th-That's All, Folks Sharon Stone's Drawers The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis. Goofy Honk If You Like Feldspar Yasser Arafat and Me Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi My Other Car Is a Giraffe Nine Janet Renos Frank Sinatra, Eva Braun and Morley Safer Ho Ho Ho Funny You Should Ask This week's contest: Our first variation on a theme. You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are your answers. What are the questions? Answer one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's guillotine with which to amaze your friends by cutting off your own hand, nose, etc., a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 38, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print wishes to announce that no further entries for the Dorkiest Middle Name Contest will be accepted unless they are really, really funny. The Faerie also wishes to rebuke the reader who identified herself as Etta "Just Give Me the Lawn Pigs and No One Gets Hurt" Saunders, of Culpeper, Va.. Well, we checked with the Bureau of Vital Statistics and learned that her full name is really Etta "Just Give Me the Puke Candy" Saunders, of Culpeper. The Puke Candy is in the mail, Etta. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 35, in which you were asked to propose a use for the 14-mile-long, 15-foot-wide sausage-shaped tunnel the federal government dug under Waxahachie, Tex., for the Super Collider project scrapped by Congress last month. Because of the Style Invitational's hallowed reputation for accuracy and integrity, we were forced to disqualify several worthy entries that were based upon the incorrect assumption that the tunnel is a completed circle. The best of these was submitted by John Hoover and Kathleen Akerley of Chevy Chase: "Coat the ground with ice and have National Hockey League players compete to see which of them have a hard enough slap shot to knock out their own teeth from behind." Many of you submitted reprehensible entries that proposed luring various people (Perot, Limbaugh, Stern etc.) into the tunnel, and then sealing it shut. These ideas were far too hostile to dignify by printing, except possibly for the one submitted by Mike Thring of Leesburg, who suggested doing this with a Trekkie convention. And last, a heartfelt apology to Tom Gearty of Washington, whom we neglected to credit for suggesting last week's contest to come up with a state name, flower, slogan, etc. for the District of Columbia. Tom informed us of this oversight via fax, including a dated and certified copy of his original proposal, and just to be sure, he followed this up with a phone call. No doubt, Tom has by now contacted a squad of copyright-infringement attorneys. And so we wish to announce that Yes, By Jove, It Was Tom's Idea, and Tom's Idea Alone, And Tom Wins a Bottle of Whine. Er, wine. Third Runner-Up: Tell Ross Perot that the "Mole Men" who tried to disrupt his daughter's wedding live in the tunnel. He'll take it from there. (Robert Walker, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: Run a marathon through it, giving new meaning to the phrase "hitting the wall." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: The Texas School Bus Depository. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) And the Winner of the Terra Cotta Lawn Pigs: Rename it the Martha Washington Monument. (Michael Sweet, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Put a goal line at either end. Establish the World Underground Football League (WUFL). Disadvantages: Games would be very long, or there would be a lot of 0-0 ties. Advantages: Field goals would be almost impossible. (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Draw mastodons on the wall with charcoal. Seal it up and forget it. (Gary Desilets, Woodbridge) Fill with water and use as Federal Divining Rod Test Facility. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "The 19th Hole," a 14-mile, par-500 miniature golf course. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Satellite parking for RFK Stadium. (Maggie Wolff Peterson, Winchester, Va.) Fill it with whipped cream, then stretch a canvas over the entrance, and paint a big tunnel opening, creating the world's largest practical joke. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Correctly claim that it was dug by a primitive people, and sell admission tickets. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Designate the hole as the nation's official place to test glow-in-the-dark watches and vampire teeth. (Chase Squires, Rockville) Advertise it as a shortcut to Hell and see who shows up. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Place giant ben-wa balls in it to appease Mother Nature during earthquakes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Find a "sniper's nest" in it and close the case on JFK's assassination. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Flood with salt water, fill with galleons and costumed animated figures. Charge admission to "Pirates of Waxahachie." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Use it as a research lab to investigate other burning questions of national importance, such as: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people? Will NAFTA revitalize oureconomyandallowustoshootintothetwentyfirstcenturylikeaspectacularmeteor or will it completelydestroythenationleavingitaruinedshellofamoraldepravity? Is it true that fetuses can play solitaire six weeks after conception? If a tree falls in a tunnel, does it make a noise? (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Sentence Lorena Bobbitt to 30 years of being chased around the tunnel by Oscar Mayer. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Roll a 14-foot-diameter steel ball around the track behind a group of marathon runners. The U.S. high-tech version of the running of the bulls in Pamplona. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Convert to "Super Bird and Window Collider." (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Give the tunnel its own NFL expansion football team, just to spite Baltimore. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Offer it for sale to the 37 other states that were willing to beg, borrow or steal to win original congressional approval for the project. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) An indoor race track for Shriners on tricycles. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Cut a slot in the top and use it as a suggestion box for how to fix the Redskins. (William Osborn, Alexandria) Something with Joey Buttafuoco. (Jim Henley, Silver Spring) And Last: Fill with ear wax. Offer as Style Invitational prize, valued at $50. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Next Week: Pranks for the Memories. ====================================================================== WEEK 39, published November 28, 1993 Week 39: Way Outside the Lines Prozac Description: Rose-colored. No hint of blue. Honky White Description: Completely colorless. Mort Halperin Pink Description: Not pink, exactly. But not entirely red, white and blue, if you get our drift. Liberal Gilt Description: Gold, but not ostentatious. James Brown Description: Really, really black. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a photograph of an elephant pooping. Elden disdainfully notes that after a nationwide search for ideas, the manufacturers of Crayola Crayons (creators of "Burnt Sienna" and "Raw Umber" and other bewildering touchstones of our youth) have come up with 16 cutesy-poo new colors, including "Tickle Me Pink," "Asparagus" and "Macaroni and Cheese." We think you can do better. Name a new crayon color for the 1990s, with a description. First-prize winner gets a five-foot-long replica of a Crayola crayon, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 39, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 36, in which you were asked to come up with clever pranks for fun, profit or delivery of a well-needed comeuppance. Many of your entries were shockingly immature and hostile to the point of indecency. Congratulations. Third Runner-Up: Construct an authentic-looking Denver boot and drive around Washington with it on your car. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: Replace the carbon monoxide in Dr. Kevorkian's tank with helium. (Steven King, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Call a service station and report that your engine is "sort of, like, sneezing" and the transmission is "jitterbugging a little" and you are a silly little goose who knows nothing about cars but will pay whatever is required to fix it. When the mechanic excitedly tells you to bring it in, say you might be able to bring it in by the end of the day. Then call that evening and postpone it one more day. Repeat every day for six years. (Mary Ellen Hughes, Gambrills) And the winner of the battery-powered Last Supper clock with matching plastic wall sconces: On the day Disney's new theme park opens after two years of shameless ballyhoo, arrive there with lots of spare nuts and bolts in your pockets. Every time you go on a ride, fling hardware from it, making sure to leave a handful on the seat. (Kirby Lamb, McLean) Honorable Mentions: Start a movement to get Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell to change his last name because it is offensive to people of Scottish heritage that a Native American is using their name. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Give fillet knives as wedding gifts. (Maria L. Rowan, Kensington) Stand in the middle of a crowded movie theater and yell, "Chuckie, I told you to leave Willard at home! How do you expect me to find a rat in the dark?" (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Visit the driveway of someone who brags about having moved to a low-crime area. Paint a dead man's silhouette in chalk. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) While on a commercial airliner that is experiencing engine trouble, even one that is making an emergency landing, stand up in your seat and shout, "Now you will take the New Mexico raisin growers seriously!" (Matthew J. Linn, Arlington) Sneak into Gov. William Donald Schaefer's bedroom late at night and replace every calendar with one reading Nov. 4, 1992. Awaken him by yelling that newly reelected President Bush has just called. When he protests, say that a Clinton presidency must have been all a bad dream, that Bush wants Schaefer to be secretary of the interior, but the word has leaked and ABC wants him to make a statement in time for "Good Morning America." Dial Sam Donaldson, hand the phone to Schaefer and depart quietly. (N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria) Call the animal shelter and ask how many dogs and cats are available for adoption. Turn away from the receiver and ask, "How much per pound did you say we can get?" (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge) Call Larry King and suggest some guests he should have on upcoming shows. See how many times you can get him to refer to someone as a "good friend," someone he talks to all the time, then explain to him that every person you've named has been dead for years. (Michael Hunter, Washington) Dress up as Barney, go to the mall, tell kids Santa isn't coming because Barney ripped his head off. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Send Ross Perot an anonymous message threatening to disrupt the conception of his grandchild. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Get a number of cats with the same colors and markings as Socks. Release them at various points on the block surrounding the White House. Watch the tourists and Secret Service scramble. (Jim Reynolds, Oakton) Contact CNN at noon on Nov. 25, with breaking news that the little pop-up thermometers on frozen turkeys have been discovered to be used hypodermic needles. (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) Run into a crowded firehouse and yell, "Movie!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And last: Submit an entry to The Style Invitational that meets none of the criteria for that week's contest, has no original idea, and is not even really an entry at all. (John Cushing, Washington) NEXT WEEK: A State of Disgrace? ====================================================================== WEEK 40, published December 5, 1993 WEEK 40: NOT WRONG. JUST INCORRECT. White House to Be Renamed "Multicultural House" Th-Th-That's All, Folks Warner Bros. Kills Off Porky Pig; Character Deemed Insulting to People With Speech Impediments Spic and Span Banned From Grocery Shelves Packers Concede 'Insensitivity'; Team to Change Name Washington Plans Monument to 'Persons Who Have Been Offended by Something' All these headlines are real. Okay, they're not really real, but you were just about ready to believe them, weren't you? This week's contest: What's next on the political correctness agenda? First-prize winner gets the cow parts game, the cracker thrower and the nose spreader from Dave Barry's Gift Guide, plus a copy of this page autographed by Dave Barry, a value of about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 40, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of The Fine Print resents being imprisoned in the agate type, deep in this contemptible feature. The Czar gets all the glory, and the Faerie does all the work. The Faerie has a sense of humor, too. Knock knock. Who's there? Your underwear. Your underwear who? Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent. Hahahaha. Chew on that one, Czar. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 37, in which we asked for a name, a capital, a flower, a slogan and a governor for the great state of Washington, D.C., plus a state joke. No one came up with a decent candidate for governor. The closest was Jim Kolb, of Derwood, who suggested lawyer "Boogie" Weinglass, because he has the coolest name. This is no way to select a governor, Jim. Americans prefer the more conventional method of picking the person with the squarest head. A lot of duplications in this contest. (Flower: The Croakus. Bird: The Robbin'. Slogan: The "Right to Remain Silent" State.) The runners-up are in the postcard below. State name wins the photo of Gov. Barry, autographed by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, who incidentally proposed this as the State Song: "Bitch Set Me Up, Up & Away." The Winners: State Name: New Crimea (Peggy Hyde, Charlottesville; also, Gene Lawhun, Gainesville) State Bird: The Great Horny Coot (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) State Capital: Department of Motor Vehicles Waiting Room (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) State Slogan: "A Work-Free Drug Place" (Harry Chesnoff, Great Falls) State Flower: FTD Funeral Bouquet (C. Douglas Baker, College Park; also, Kara and Sam McWhorter, Greenbelt) State Joke: "How many New Crimea cab drivers does it take to change a light bulb?" "Vair ees light bulb, pliss?" (Anthony Roisman, Washington) Honorable Mentions: State Name New Gimme (Joyce A. Sauter, Lusby, Md.) Meterland (Andre Jones, Cambridge, Md.) Tysons III (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Rhode Island Jr. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) New Hades (Kevin Smith, Manassas) State Bird: The Heroin (Paula Rubinoff, Oakton) The Cicada (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) The Razor-Tongued Columnist (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Ruffled Grouch (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Common In-Tern (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The police helicopter (Mrs. Myron's third-period civics class, Carl Sandburg Intermediate School, Alexandria) The Tufted Blond Page (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) State Capital D.C. Traffic Adjudication (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) State Slogan: "Expect Delays" (Philip Fleet, Arlington) "No stopping or parking anytime -- no parking 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Loading Zone from here to curb -- Zone 1 Permit Holders excepted" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "Live Prudently or Die" (Peyton Coyner, Afton) "They can't tell me that! My hair itches! The light is right in my ear! Spare change?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Everyone Is a Local Call" (Joe Milazzo II, McLean) "Come for a Day, Stay for a Hearing" (Laura Martinengo, Silver Spring) "We're Not Just a District Anymore" (Bruce Dean, Frederick) "The 'Get the $%#& Out of My Way' State" (Jim Lawson, Owings Mills, Md.) "The Loophole State" (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Uzi Maschii, Mace Femine" -- Men Tote Uzis, Women Need Mace (Jimmy Vincent, Alexandria) "Carpe Maschine Visitorum" -- Seize the Tourist's Car (Don Plambeck, Vienna) "We Will Fill No Pothole Before Its Time" (Lynne Larkin, Reston) "The Lawyer's Playground" (Jed Babbin and Wayne Keup, Arlington and Alexandria) "The 'It's Not My Department, Please Hold While I Transfer You' State" (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) "Statues? We Got Statues!" (Mary Donovan, Rockville) State Flower The Leek (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Spreading Hubris (Jan Verrey, Arlington) The Withering Glare (Brett Rushton, Rockville) The Blooming Shame (E.J. Carroll, Alexandria) State Joke "Why are there so many drive-by shootings in D.C.?" "Have you ever tried to park here?" (Stephen King, Alexandria) Next Week: Ask Backwards II ====================================================================== WEEK 41, published December 12, 1993 Week 41: Rear-End Collusion HONK IF YOU HATE CHUCK SMITH MY OTHER CAR WON THE STYLE INVITATIONAL McGOVERN/EAGLETON '72 SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE SENSE OF HUMOR ON BOARD Some of you have complained that, week after week, the Style Invitational winner gets a nifty prize, like a bowl of gopher drool, and runners-up get the elegant Loser's T-Shirt featuring what appears to be the likeness of an individual on a toilet, but the Honorable Mention winners, whose mediocre offerings are after all the lifeblood of this squalid feature, get doodly. We have decided to rectify this situation. In the tradition of the Style Invitational, which operates on the hallowed principle "We Do as Little Actual Work as Possible," we will rely on you to rectify it. This Week's Contest: Design a Style Invitational bumper sticker to be awarded to all Honorable Mentions. Something that somehow captures the spirit and humongous prestige of the contest. Direct reference to the Invitational is not required. Brevity is valued. First-prize winner receives a piping hot bowl of gopher drool. Just kidding. It would make a swell prize, but how would we keep it hot? Winner gets 10 of the bumper stickers plus an unbelievably flimsy Chinese accordion donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, whose profession, alas, must remain a secret. Total first-prize value: $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 41, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Okay, you wormed it out of us. She is a notorious international trafficker in condoms. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 38, In which you were asked to submit "Jeopardy"-like questions in response to several answers we supplied. But first, an abject apology to "Boogie" Weinglass, the Maryland retailer whom we erroneously referred to as a "lawyer" in last week's Invitational. Mr. Weinglass is not nor has he ever been a lawyer, and The Post's counsel, Mary Ann The Lawyer, instructs us to emphasize that we believe Mr. Weinglass to be a person of unimpeachable integrity who would have to decline the position of pope because it does not befit his dignity. We wish to say to Mr. Weinglass that we are dreadfully sorry for this unintentional and inexcusable slur. By the way, what is "Boogie" short for? Booger? Okay. The contest at hand: * Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Great Big Sucking Sound What preceded the Big Bang? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi What two people does Oliver Stone believe did not necessarily help plot the assassination of JFK? (Jim Henley, Silver Spring; also, Tom Reidy, Clinton) * Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi Which two people never actually said most of the things commonly attributed to Yogi Berra? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) * Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Funny You Should Ask What was John Bobbitt's answer to the police question, "Is anything missing?"(Joe Guderjohn, Chantilly) * First Runner-Up -- Answer: Nine Janet Renos What is the distance from New York to Boston, in prescription-lens thickness units? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington) * And the winner of the magician's guillotine: Answer: Nine Janet Renos Whom will David Koresh face when his appeal reaches the Supreme Court of Hell? (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) * Honorable Mentions: Answer: The Archbishop of Canterbury and Beavis What doubles team plays tennis against the pope and Butt-head? (John Cushing, Washington; also, Lee Raby, Arlington) After Butt-head died, what show did MTV pitch to the BBC in London? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Anywhere He Wants to Where is The Post's editor allowed to put the comics? (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Where does John Bobbitt tell the tailor to put the fly in his pants? (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Answer: Nine Janet Renos What will signify the beginning of the Apocalypse? (Robert Walker, Fairfax) What is "nine the hard way"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In the Plain but Powerful Women bubble gum card series, what is the value of one Ruth Bader Ginsburg? (Peyton Coyner, Afton) What is a baseball lineup that makes the Phillies look handsome? (Nancy Rogers, Centreville) Answer: The Fattest Human Being on Earth Who should the Capitals consider for goalie with their first pick in next year's amateur draft? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria) Who will probably be seated next to me on a fully loaded 747 nonstop flight to Australia? (Donald Thomas, Bethesda; also, David Handelsman, Charlottesville) Answer: Sharon Stone's Drawers What's the only thing that gets used less than Desmond Howard? (David Fitzpatrick, Alexandria) Answer: Goofy What is G. Gordon Liddy's first name? (Robert Walker, Fairfax) What did the mayor of Manassas agree to name his first-born child in exchange for a Disney theme park? (Mike and Louise Megargee, Arlington) Answer: Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso What three places will achieve U.S. statehood before the District of Columbia? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) What are the three largest countries in North America, according to a National Geographic survey of recent high school graduates? (Richard L. Wong, Arlington) Answer: My Other Car Is a Giraffe What does Ed Rollins wish he'd said when he was asked, "How did you win in New Jersey?" (Mary Olson, Springfield) Answer: Yasser Arafat and Me To what did they change the name of Suha Arafat's autobiography after "Why I Married an Incredibly Ugly Man" was rejected? ("Moses," Washington) In what book by Yasser Arafat did it first become apparent that he had multiple personalities? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And Last, a fax we received from Kirby Lamb of McLean. In giant, frantic block letters it said, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONTEST! JUST GIVE ME THE GUILLOTINE!" It was signed "Lorena Bobbitt, Manassas." Next Week: Way Outside the Lines. ====================================================================== WEEK 42, published December 19, 1993 Week 42: Hey, It Could Be Worse 1. A TV docudrama starring Macaulay Culkin as Jesus Christ. 2. Okay, you are at a party, talking to someone whose name you have forgotten, and someone else comes up, and, like, it's incredibly obvious you have to introduce them, and just then a disgruntled postal worker blows the three of you away with an AK-47. 3. Being slapped to death by Zsa Zsa Gabor. 4. Having to eat all your meals for the remainder of your life while seated on the toilet at New Jersey Turnpike rest stops. This Week's Contest: Things that are worse than the Washington Redskins. We admit we put this contest off for weeks, long after it became not only justifiable but imperative, because the First Rule of Sniveling Journalism is not to make fun of something about which people care deeply. (For example, you will probably not see a contest anytime soon on "What God Looks Like," however good an idea it might be.) Alas, though, this past weekend the Skins forced our hands. So, cheer up, Washington. The local football team may be bad, but there are worse things in life. Just tell us what they are. Grand prize winner receives two tickets to a Redskin game next year. First runner-up receives four tickets. Other runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 42, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 39, in which you were asked to come up with new, hip colors for Crayola Crayons. Fifth Runner-Up: You'll Never Take Me Alive Copper -- Description: The color of a dirty rat. (Tom Criss, Dayton, Md.; also, Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Fourth Runner-Up: Kevorkian -- Description: A bright, light white. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Third Runner-Up: Oxymaroon -- Description: A perky brown. (Gina Morgan, Falls Church; also, Mike Thring, Leesburg) Second Runner-Up: Rainbow -- Description: Black. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville; also, Henry Lynton, Arlington, and Richard J. Swanson, Mount Airy) First Runner-Up: I Can't Believe It's Not Buttafuoco -- Description: The color and oily texture of rancid margarine. (Kelly A. Lindner, Washington) And the winner of the giant Crayola Crayon, printed with the name of his color: Govern Mint -- Description: Please refer to specification Mil-Q-17983245, Rev. G, w/Appendix J, which details the hue, tone, shade, tolerance, refraction, reflection, intensity and brilliance of this color. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Honorable Mentions: Acapulco Gold -- Like, any color you want, man. (Stacey Carter, Arlington) Packwood -- Just a touch of flesh. (Stu Segal, Vienna) Trash White -- A very common shade of white. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Aqua Velva Blue -- Usually used in combination with Trash White. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Vanna White -- Not too bright, but still shows up. (Abbie Thompson, Silver Spring) Cincinnati Red -- Multicolored, with a white flaky head. (Steven King, Alexandria) Rust Limbaugh -- A big fat crayon with no point, but very colorful. (Lowell Feld, Arlington) Does This Look Infected Pink -- Pink with a trace of red. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ed Rollins -- Toast. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Where's William Kennedy Smith? -- Cinnabar, usually. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Petit-Bone -- Very pale. Soon to be discontinued. (Tom Lehker, Silver Spring; also, Steve Shearer, Alexandria) Redskin -- Mud. (Linda Sheffield Miller, New Market) Salmon-ella -- Sickening Pink. (Frank Byrne, Springfield) Off Gray -- The color of the television screen when not on. (Theresa A. Bowen, Selinsgrove, Pa.) Black Thing -- I could describe it, but you wouldn't understand. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Not Wrong, Just Incorrect. ====================================================================== WEEK 43, published December 26, 1993 Week 43: Good Lord. We hereby affirm that God exists. More to the point, we are reliably informed that God has an excellent and forgiving sense of humor. This Week's Contest: What does God looks like? Surely, you can do better than these overused images. Submit your concept of the Supreme Being, in a drawing, a photo, or just a description. First-prize winner receives the new King James version of the Bible, personally autographed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, plus a luxurious RWorm Ranch,S a total value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losersU T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 43, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. It has recently come to our attention that we still owe merchandise to a few first-prize winners, some of whom have been waiting months. This is attributable to shocking malfeasance by The Faerie of the Fine Print, who has received a punitive demotion and is now, until further notice, The Faerie of The Ear No One Reads. We regret any inconvenience. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 40, in which you were asked to come up with headlines representing the next step in political correctness mania. Sixth Runner-Up: Congress Outlaws Death It Is "Ageist," Lawmakers Conclude(Allen R. Taylor, New Cumberland, Pa.) Fifth Runner-Up: Santa to Get Extra Reindeer Ahmed, Jorge and Motohiro Will Join Sleigh (Hershal Shevade, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: Candidates to Seek Verbal Consent Before Kissing Babies (Sonya Winner, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up: Charlie Brown Called Offensive to Hydrocephalics (Nora Corrigan, Reston) Second Runner-Up: Reflecting Pool to be Permanently Drained Degrades Women, Panel Decides (Stu Segal, Vienna) First Runner-Up: Kennedy Flame Doused Non-smokers Rejoice at End of Secondhand Smoke on Federal Property (Larry Hurley, Bethesda) And the Winner of the Nose Spreader, the Cracker Thrower and the Cow Parts Game from Dave Barry's Gift Guide, plus a copy of this page autographed by Dave: Congress Approves Five-Day Waiting Period for Men Wanting Sex (Steven King, Alexandria) Honorable Mention: Children's Rights Groups Demand Clearer Definition of "Because I Said So" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Broad Jump Eliminated From Olympic Competition (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Manic-Depressives Protest Term "Gay" Demeans Those Who Choose to Stay in Bed and Brood (Anthony DUAntoni, Laurel) Nobel Prize Discontinued; Found to Discriminate Against Mediocre Persons (Yvonne and Peter Pover, Arlington) ACLU Sues Itself Claims Its Lawsuits Infringe on Others' Constitutional Rights (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Sports Authority Discontinues Selling Dumbells (Audrey Kovalak, Springfield) Animal Rights Activists Arrested For Throwing Blood at Animals "They Wear Fur," Protesters Shout (David Seid, Bethesda) Buckwheat Pancakes Removed from Cookbooks; Stereotype Cited (Roger Gross, Burke) Native American Orgnization Protests Use of "Geronimo" by Paratroopers Suggests Substitution of "Gesundheit" (Robert Benson, Silver Spring) Oppressors Defeat Victims Field Goal Gives Dallas Victory at First Game in Laurel Stadium (No Name Given, No Home Either) New Laundry Laws Prohibit Separation of Whites and Colors (Julie Allan, Falls Church) Caucasian Group Protests Mimes' Use of Whiteface (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.H.) Spelin Simplufkatun Bil Pases Hows. Grate Day Fr Rites of Ilitirits! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: Expression "Politically Correct" Deemed Offensive Use Is Banned Under New Speech Code (Steve Amter, Washington) NEXT WEEK: Rear-End Collusion ====================================================================== WEEK 44, published January 2, 1994 WEEK 44: ADVERB PUBLICITY "I am an innocent man," Bob Packwood said touchingly. "Thank you, Dr. Kevorkian," the new patient said breathlessly. "I still love my wife," John Bobbitt said gushingly. "I'm sorry, we do not accept walk-in clientele," Duke Zeibert sniffed unreservedly. This week's contest was proposed by Jim Metzger of Arnold, Md., or possibly by Jim Arnold of Metzger, Md. We cannot read our handwriting. Jim proposed resurrecting the Tom Swiftly joke, perhaps the only form of humor lower than the knock-knock joke. For his efforts, Jim receives a rubber severed finger. So. Write us a Tom Swiftly or two, updated for the '90s. Each must include a reference to a famous person or institution. First-prize winner receives a twitching rubber rat caught in a trap, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 44, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to (202) 334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 41, in which you were asked to come up with a bumper sticker to be awarded to all Style Invitational Honorable Mention winners. But first, a digression. It is astonishing how the promise of free merchandise, however crappy, provokes paroxysms of greed in otherwise reasonable and mature individuals. More than a dozen persons who received Honorable Mentions in the past year have sent letters importuning us to award these bumper stickers retroactively. Are you people lacking even a shred of dignity? Are there no limits to your capacity for degradation? Tell you what. Let's find out: To the first 15 people who mail us some of their navel lint, we will send ABSOLUTELY FREE an item so stupid only a complete idiot would want it. Mail your lint to 'Special Idiot's Offer," The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington D.C. 20071. Allow two weeks for delivery. Ahem. Now, for the bumper stickers. We will be printing and distributing The Winner and First Runner-Up, starting this week: Fifth Runner-Up: Close, but No Gopher Drool (Frederick T. Dekuyper, Baltimore;also, Lori C. Fraind, Reston) Fourth Runner-Up: Attach Hose to Pipe Below (Chuck Smith, Wodbridge) Third Runner-Up: That Sucking Sound Was My Entry (Shana Wagger, Washington) Second Runner-Up: To Try Is Good Enough -- Mediocrites (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Shirt Happens (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the 10 Bumper Stickers and the Flimsy Chinese Accordion: How's My Drivel? Fax 202-334-4312 (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Often an Usher, Never a Bridesmaid (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Keep It Stupid, Stupid (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church) The Style Inivtational! (Steven King, Alexandria) Coveted Bumper Sticker (Lisa Zucker, Bethesda; also, Bob Hodges, Manassas) Yes, I Can't (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) IUm a Loser. Ask Me How. (Lisa Zucker, Bethesda) Brevity Is the Soul of Wit, Which Is Why I Got This Bumper Sticker Instead of the Big Prize or One of Them T-Shirts. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Puns Don't Kill People, People Kill People. (Chris Lynt, Alexandria) They Ran Out of Porpoise Poop (Jim Reagan, Reston) It's the Bumper, Stupid (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I and My Immediate Family Are Not Employed by The Washington Post (R.D. Chaney, Frederick) Willing to Not Vote for Money (Kevin Maher, Washington) Woke Up. Got Stupid. Entered Style Invitational. Lost. (Kathy Eanes, Burke) I Never Win Anything Good (Dan Kaufman, Washington) lanoitatinvI elytS. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Brevity Is the Soul of (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: I Don't Know Chuck Smith, But Apparently I'm No Chuck Smith. (Pai Rosenthal, Sterling) ====================================================================== WEEK 45, published January 9, 1994 Week 45: Invitation to a Dual, II. The Good News: Because of snow, the federal government announces a liberal leave policy. The Bad News: Only liberals can leave. The Bad News: North Korea has The Bomb. The Good News: They won't deliver it unless you order $70 worth of "bok choy." The Good News: The Hubble Telescope is fixed and is sending back crystal clear pictures. This Week's Contest: Deliver us a Good News-Bad News scenario. The Good News: First-prize winner receives a special $80 boxed CD set of the complete works of a major recording artist. The Bad News: Does the name "Manilow" mean anything to you? Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 45, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 42, in which you were asked to come up with things that are worse than the Washington Redskins. But first, a startling observation about the sociology of humor. Ordinarily, Style Invitational winners are more or less evenly divided between men and women, only slightly skewed toward men by the irritating Chuck Smith factor. But this week, of the 22 entries selected for publication, 21 turn out to have been submitted by guys. Initially, we suspected this was because the premise was sports-related, but further examination revealed an equal gender division in total entries. And so we were forced to conclude that men were simply better at this week's contest, perhaps because it was grounded on a paranoid and infantile view of the world and required the invention of hostile and degrading scenarios featuring toilet humor, flagrant sexual innuendo, violence and sadism. But that's just a guess. Anyway, things worse than the Redskins: #Fourth Runner-Up: Execution by "lethal suppository." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) #Third Runner-Up: Being born with the name Lee Harvey Hitler. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) #Second Runner-Up: Discovering you have a long-lost half brother named Bill Clinton but he works at the Dixie Pig. (Mary Olson, Springfield) #First Runner-Up and winner of the four 1994 Redskin tickets: Suspecting that you are drunk, the D.C. police handcuff you, in a miniskirt, to a fire hydrant in the middle of winter. In the distance, heading toward you, is a dogsled race. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) #And the winner of the two Redskin tickets: Being a fourth-grade civics teacher the day after Zhirinovsky's "Today Is the Beginning of Orgasm" speech. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) #Honorable Mentions: You win the Powerball jackpot the day after you entered the Witness Protection Program. (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego, Calif.) You realize Bea Arthur is beginning to look pret-ty sexy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Amputation by paper cut. (Kevin Cuddihy, Washington) It is Friday at 6 p.m. on the I-270 Spur after two Cheez Whiz trucks have collided. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You are the guy who has to fire a postal service employee. (Nick Dierman, Potomac) Your Philippine mail-order bride turns out to be Imelda Marcos. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) You think you are dreaming, but then realize you actually are running in slow motion naked through the socks department at Kmart. (Brad Graf, Leesburg) Seeing your son-in-law at a gay pride demonstration. (Frederick T. DeKuyper, Baltimore) You're driving behind a group of Hell's Angels in a tunnel when your horn gets stuck. (Dale A. Rice, Fairfax) WETA gets the rights to NFL football, and halftime lasts two days. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) La Toya Jackson could be your sister. (Mike Ancell, Chillum, Md.) Going to the optometrist and being told that the only frames that will hold your lens prescriptions look like Jack Kent Cooke's. (Edward Owens, Hanover) Noticing that Pee-wee Herman is sitting behind you at the movies. (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) Salman Rushdie comes to stay at your house for a while. (Walt Kopp, Annandale) Trapped in an elevator with a fantastically attractive member of the opposite sex, you have a sudden attack of galloping diarrhea. (Leonard Osterman, Potomac) You discover that tinfoil in your hat no longer deters evil thoughts. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) #And Last: Your wife finds out via her father and her boss at the bank that you have again gambled away the Christmas money instead of using it to pay for your underage girlfriend's abortion like you promised the last time you were sober. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 46, published January 16, 1994 Week 46: "We Want Stupid Entries Only" This week's contest was proposed by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who receives an elegant selection of clear plastic ice cubes containing embedded insects. At first, we thought Sarah had come up with a terrible idea for a contest. But the more we considered it, the more we liked it: Make up a sentence that, were it not for this contest, would never otherwise be uttered. First-prize winner receives a really fancy harmonica featuring a wah-wah button or whatever it is called, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 46, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The seriously underappreciated Faerie of the Ear No One Reads wishes to inquire as to whether anyone has noticed the FaerieUs handiwork, and to solicit ideas for future weeks. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 43, in which you were asked to describe God. We expected trouble with this one. What we anticipated was a mailbag full of hilarious, bladder-weakening entries far too tasteless to publish. The good news is, we got almost nothing that was tasteless. The bad news is, we also got almost nothing that was funny. Fact is, we got almost nothing at all, a mere 200 entries, possibly because the premise of this contest was so insulting that decent human beings gave it a wide berth. Or possibly we were being punished by God Himself, who -- mandibles flailing and blowhole snorting -- bollixed up the responses. Possibly this contest was simply an idiotic idea. Fortunately, we know we are idiots. We are nothing if not self-aware. And so, many weeks ago, in the fine print, we solicited entries for a "Dorkiest Middle Name" contest, for use someday when we had blundered into a bad contest and had nothing funny to print. We got 40 responses from persons with aggressively cheesy middle names, including one from Bernadette Scholastica Hearn of Rehoboth Beach, Del. She was to be our first-prize winner right up until the final week of the contest, when we received an entry, together with confirming documentation, from the parents of a spunky 2-year-old lad in Baltimore. Suddenly the contest was over. We flushed all prior entries and did not even bother to open new ones. Mom 'n' Dad win a six-pound wheel of imported Brie cheese, a value of $50, and young Valentino AssateaguePonyFootfalls Wiebel wins a real live pony. Hahaha. Just kidding. Lucky he canUt read yet, eh, Mom 'n' Dad? Val gets a big fuzzy toy. * Now that we have expended the required number of column inches, here is the Winner of the Week 43 contest, the very best entry we got. It arrived in an envelope marked "Fragile -- God Enclosed," and contained a drawing and an explanation: I often thought God looks like that guy on the pizza boxes. He's gotta be God. He's everywhere. I couldn't get a copy in time, but He looks like: For efforts artistic and literary, Tom Gearty of Arlington wins the Worm Ranch and Chia Pet. * First Runner-Up: On Christmas night, my in-laws prepared themselves to leave my house at 9:03 p.m. They peered outside and announced that they would never be able to get up the hill with all that snow on the ground. This meant they would be staying overnight. Just then, God appeared in the form of a snowplow coming down the street... (Keith Drewes, Chantilly) * Honorable Mention: (Tom Gearty of Arlington) * And Last: Look in a mirror and disregard what you see. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Adverb Publicity ====================================================================== WEEK 47, published January 23, 1994 Week 47: Can You Do Verse? This week's contest: Bad Valentine's Day poetry. Any rhyme scheme, any form of literary dysfunction: We will reward the clumsy, the cloying, the clunky, the just plain inappropriate. First-prize winner receives, delivered to his or her home, a grotesquely ornate Valentine's Day bouquet, a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Published entries will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 47, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced on Feb. 13. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 44, in which we asked you to come up with a Tom Swiftly joke for the 1990s. A huge response this week, more than 5,000 entries, of which nearly 32 were publishable. The unusable fit into three categories: 1. The unfunny (Rush Limbaugh estimated conservatively; Howard said sternly) 2. The clever but obvious: (John Bobbitt said detachedly; Jack Kent Cooke said dismissively; Les Aspin said defensively; Michael Jackson said fondly) and, 3. Ideas shamelessly recycled from the 1960s ("I am coming down from my cell now," Mike Tyson said condescendingly; "I miss my sweetie," said Donald Duck lackadaisically.) A note to the two dozen individuals who wrote self-righteously to inform us that the joke form is a "Swifty" and not a "Swiftly": Wrong. The Tom Swiftly is an exercise in adverbial excess that parodies the adolescently overwritten Tom Swift adventure novels. It carries the adverbial ending. Just because something gains legitimacy through common misuse does not make it correct. If you disagree, we could care less. Sixth Runner-Up: "Oh yeah? Well, you try mooring this ship," Captain Hazelwood said cantankerously. (Lee Giesecke, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: "Well, that was a great season," Richie Petitbon declared pointlessly. (George and Karen Kirschenbauer, Middleburg, plus their leftover New Year's Eve guests from North Carolina) Fourth Runner-Up: "Great movie," Pee-wee Herman said anticlimactically. (William Jensen, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: "We take stealing very seriously," Saddam Hussein said offhandedly. (Harold Kerr, Washington; also, J. Neil Killalea, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: "And then there was the fact that my front line" Mark Rypien explained incompletely. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) First Runner-Up: "Well, at least she didn't cut off everything," John Bobbitt said testily. (Leonard Greenberg, Herndon; also, Tony Ditrapani, Reston, and Michael D. Jahr, Arlington.) And the Winner of the Rubber Rat Caught in a Trap: "We didn't inhale," declared Bill and Hillary jointly. (Mrs. Airey's English classes, St. Andrew's Episcopal School, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: "It could have been worse," Lorena Bobbitt said bitingly. (Stephanie Reiss, Rockville; also, Jeff Clineff, Silver Spring) "I think I can get it over the plate," Mitch Williams said aimlessly. (Chuck Nelson, Alexandria) "My life is not a fairy tale," said Princess Diana grimly. (Louise G. Barnett, Chevy Chase) "My name has been withdrawn," said Zoe Baird disappointedly. (Louise G. Barnett, Chevy Chase) "I won't be leaving 'Jeopardy!' " Alex Trebek declared categorically. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) "I have to cancel the rest of my tour," Michael Jackson said disconcertedly. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "I am what I am," Madonna said imprudently. (Joseph Broderick, Reston) "Gee, these are great playoff games," Richie Petitbon said absently. (Tony Ditrapani, Reston) "Hillary's given all my underwear away," the president chafed rashly. (Dan Trigobogg, Baltimore) "I must be more careful," said John Bobbitt circumspectly. (Don Maclean, Burke) "Why me?" asked Nancy Kerrigan lamely. (Don Maclean, Burke) "It was a joke," Ted Danson said darkly. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring; also, Nadine Devay, Arlington) "We'd better turn back, Admiral Columbus," said the first mate flatly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "I do not have a drinking problem," Ted Kennedy said cordially. (Christine Keiner, Columbia) "I never done nothing to that girl," Joey Buttafuoco said penetratingly. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) "My, that was tasty!" Jeff Dahmer said heartily. (Stephen Bates, Silver Spring) "There are things more important than one's physical appearance," Janet Reno asserted plainly. (Andrea and Alan Pendleton, Arlington) "Hey, babe, what's your sign? I'm currently unattached," John Bobbitt said bluntly. (Les Greenblatt, Washington) And Last: "What's the big deal about winning the Invitational?" Rose Stack said unwittingly. (Rose Stack, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 48, published January 30, 1994 Week 48: Snivel War Want one? Beg. Against all sane predictions, we are approaching the end of our first year in business, not yet closed down by the gendarmes of polite society. And so we have reordered the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirts; the new ones will indicate "Year II" on them. This leaves us with a small surplus of shirts from the first year, which by now, because of the rampaging success of this idiotic competition, have acquired an approximate resale value of $12,500 apiece. This Week's Contest Beg us for them. Grovel. Propose deals. Threaten. Cajole. Flush your dignity right down the pooper. Whatever it takes. The more wretched and outrageous the better. All published entries will be considered runners-up, and will win a shirt. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 48, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 45, in which we asked you to deliver a good news/bad news scenario. First, the good news. Last Sunday, for the first time in months, the unbelievably annoying Chuck Smith of Woodbridge did not win even a single honorable mention, raising the possibility that Mr. SmithUs years of recreational drug use finally caught up with him, rendering his brain a sac of goo, and clearing the field for other worthy contestants. The bad news: *Fourth Runner-Up: The Good News: You get an expensive designer bag. The Bad News: It's a colostomy bag. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) *Third Runner-Up: The Good News: Jack Kent Cooke has finally agreed to rename the Redskins. The Bad News: They're going to be called the Laurel "William Donald Schaefers." (Bill Swedish, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: The Good News: You traded in that gun youUve been afraid to keep in the house for a new pair of shoes. The Bad News: On your way out of the store, you're shot by someone who wants your shoes. (Thom Lieb, Crofton) * First Runner-Up: The Good News: A thorough investigation of all available Whitewater company records exonerates the Clintons of any wrongdoing. The Bad News: The White House toilets are clogged. (Beth Chalecki, Washington) * And the Winner of the Barry Manilow Boxed CD Set: The Good News: At long last, the Navy has redesigned its uniforms for women. The Bad News: They look like this:(Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) *Honorable Mentions: The Good News: Three ghosts visit you on Christmas Eve and change your life forever. The Bad News: They are Larry, Curly and Moe, and Moe puts your eyes out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Your dentist is very generous with the nitrous oxide. The Bad News: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Good News: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released from the hospital. The Bad News: He's dead. (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro) The Good News: D.C. alleviates prison overcrowding. The Bad News: D.C. begins Quarterway Houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Schools in the Washington area will never again close for less than one foot of snow. The Bad News: We lied. (Mary Ann Johnson, Leesburg) The Good News: You are finally considered a man of letters. The Bad News: The police trace the letters to you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Bad News: Lorena found the fillet knife. The Good News: She could not find the cheese grater. (Bernie Augustine, Forestville) The Good News: In a high-speed car crash, air bags save your life. Bad News: In the emergency room, the doctor tells your mother that you had on dirty underwear. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: You just picked all the winning numbers in the Virginia Lottery. The Bad News: Your ticket is in the Maryland Lottery. (Dave and Adele Odegard, Alexandria; also, Jane Bancroft, Wheaton) The Good News: God speaks to you. The Bad News: He wants you to sacrifice a loved one. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: Bacon is found to be good for you. The Bad News: Only if it is boiled. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Good News: Children are thrilled as Bambi is considered for the job of one of Santa's replacement reindeer. The Bad News: Nepotism rears its ugly head as Rudolph's brother, Randolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, is chosen instead. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Good News: You finally win the Style Invitational, in Week 57. The Bad News: Week 57 is "My Most Embarrassing Flatulence," and the results are printed the Sunday you have the minister over for dinner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Good News is in the bottom left corner of Page A23. The Bad News is the rest of the paper. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) The Good News: Chuck Smith's wife is hired by The Washington Post! The Bad News: He divorces her. (Mary Olson, Springfield) And last: The Good News: The Style Invitational lifts you to international prominence. The Bad News: Groupies drain you of your precious bodily fluids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Bad Entries Only ====================================================================== WEEK 49, published February 6, 1994 Week 49 : A Slalom Occasion Light-Heavyweight Name Dropping - Points awarded for speed, grace and audacity. ("So me and the pope were knocking back a few, when Wayne Gretzky says to me, Ernie, he says...") Synchronized Spinning - Teams of competitors are bombarded with personally devastating news ("You have been indicted for molesting a goat") which they must disseminate in the most positive possible way ("I have been recognized for my work with animals.") Conscience-Wrestling (Canceled for lack of qualifying entrants) This Week's contest was proposed by Bill Powers of Arlington, who doesn't win squat because he works at The Post. Bill suggests coming up with events for a Washington Olympics. They can be winter or summer sports, based on bureaucracy or other themes peculiar to Washington, and must include a brief description of the event. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's guillotine capable of severing a human wrist, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 49, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 46, in which you were asked to create a sentence or paragraph that, were it not for this contest, would never otherwise be uttered. - Sixth Runner-Up: "I'm speaking of Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, Reagan - guys like that." (Peyton Coyner, Afton) - Fifth Runner-Up: "I must have gone to the toilet a dozen times the night before I was executed." (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) - Fourth Runner-Up: "Hillary, get me a beer!" (Michael Michalik, Frederick) - Third Runner-Up: "So, six martinis later, I go to see his `writing awards' and he shows me a trophy case filled with plastic vomit, rubber dog poop, a set of terra cotta lawn pigs, and about a zillion ugly T-shirts!" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) - Second Runner-Up: "Maybe we should try some of these burlap condoms." (Matt Young, Dale City) - First Runner-Up: "We named her Kate ChincoteagueOysterDrool Verba," I explained. "We're hoping to win some cheese." (John Verba, Washington) - And the Winner of the Really Fancy Harmonica With Wah-Wah Button: "I, Tonya Harding, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution, so help me God." (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) - Honorable Mentions: "Hey, did you hear about some woman named Lorena somebody who cut off her husband's penis?" (Gil Owens, Indian Head) "If there are no bones in ice cream, why can't dogs vote?" (Michele L. Uhler, Fort. Washington) "Is it barium yet?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I want to be a Rush Limbaugh/Roger Ebert sandwich." (Stephanie Ward, Baltimore) "Waiter, could I please have some more parsley?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) "Yes, Mr. Buttafuoco, you will be ordained this Sunday." (Don Thompson, Gaithersburg) "Hey, Bill Clinton looks just like Princess Diana!" (Brian Sink, Washington) "Do you repair Jell-O?" (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) "I hope I'm invited to the bris!" (Susannah Rosenblatt, Annandale) "The only practical solution to the population explosion is baby burgers." (Peyton Coyner, Afton) "I like when my mother-in-law visits because that affords me the opportunity to massage her feet." (John Knowles, Lorton) "The good thing about really cold weather is when you staple your tongue to your ear, you can't feel it." (Jan Verrey, Arlington) "My near-fatal tonsillectomy was like owning a Slinky in a house with no stairs." (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) "Nurse, do you know where I could buy one of these hospital gowns for myself?" (Harris Shettel, Rockville) "While I find your insights into the Platonic origins of `Also Sprach Zarathustra' illuminating, I don't feel your analysis of Nietzsche's influence on Heidegger will stand up on further examination, Mr. Quayle." (Noah Meyerson, Bethesda) "Go ahead, have dessert. I am quite confident that sex with you will be worth a $93 dinner tab." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - And Last: Mozart mentioned the harmonica only once in his writing, dismissing the instrument as "at best a pentatonic duck call; unless someone gives this thing a button for half-notes - or, you know, invents the blues - you may as well GIVE it away." (John Verba, Washington) Next Week: Can You Do Verse? ====================================================================== WEEK 50, published February 13, 1994 Week 50: Give Us This Day New Holiday: Vice Presidents' Day. Date: Some day in March; no one really remembers or cares. How Celebrated: Going to a stranger's funeral. This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a working harmonica the size of a maggot. Elden points out, shockingly, that there are no federal holidays between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day, a cheerless run of more than three months. Let's stick one in there, somewhere. The holiday should celebrate something or someone uniquely American. Tell us the date, the name of the holiday and how it should be observed. First-prize winner gets a pair of "Poo Pets," which are garden fertilizer bricks in the shape of animals, made from deodorized, 100 percent cow manure. This prize has a dollar value of $25, though obviously its sentimental value is far greater. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 50, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 47, in which you were challenged to write very, very bad Valentine's Day poetry. # Third Runner-Up: Darling, I neglected you, it's true, And then you were lost to me. But now that you're back, I'd do anything for you, Except possibly get a colostomy.(Nick Dierman, Potomac) # Second Runner-Up: You are so handsome and so kind, And your shoes are always shined. Your skin is flawless, your teeth so white, Your hair and eyes shine so bright. Your clothes are tailored, very hot. Your butt is perfect, your stomach taut. You're sensitive, you have a way. . . . Omigod, you must be gay. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) # First Runner-Up: When it comes to verse I'm no Stephen Sondheim, But you could do worse, I'll always use a condheim. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) And the Winner of the really ostentatious bouquet, delivered tomorrow: My love for you, it sails with the wind. It's like one of them sailing ships. I want to kiss you again and again, With not one, but both of my lips. My love for you is much stronger Than my love for travel and fine luggage, My . . . pancreas . . . gets longer When we embrace in human huggage. (Michael Paulkovich, Burtonsville) # Honorable Mentions: I love you, my darling, Really, really, really. If life were like the Pentagon, You'd be my Shalikashvili. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) The Secret Agent's Lament When I ... of you I scarce can ... my ..., And all of ...'s dark ... come a-... down, I cannot ... but for my ...'s ..., And for respite do I ...ak... ... a clown. "O damn'ed ...," I ..., as I in... ..., And ...! And ...! To put my ... in ..., Just try and stop me! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) There once was a girl from Nantucket. I love you more anyway. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) I'd moon the Super Bowl for you The QE II with all her crew, I'd moon the monster of Loch Ness, My love for you is bottomless. (Mary Olson, Springfield) I love you more than The Style Invitational But think haiku sucks. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) # And Last: What would I do for your love? You name it. I'd scale C.S. Lewis's pink handramit. I'd lease my soul on weekends to the Fiend, I'd re-wash dishes someone else has cleaned. I'd take a bath in cut-rate Serbo-Croatian oil, But I will not write poems for the Style Invitational. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: You Beg Us for Shirts. ====================================================================== WEEK 51, published February 20, 1994 Week 51: Caption Crunch, Vol. II This week's contest: Supply captions for any of these pictures. First-prize winner receives a fancy pogo stick, a value of about $85. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildy sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 48, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads, making a triumphant return, hereby urgently requests photographs of your pets wearing costumes. Best picture wins a picture of an elephant pooping, and an elegant papier-mache duck. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 48, in which we asked you to beg for our year-end surplus Loser's T-Shirts. First, the easy ones: Persons who bribed us. Shirts go to: Elizabeth Gaston of Alexandria, who sent us a huge homemade chocolate cake in the shape of a severed horse's head. David Smith of Washington, who composed and recorded a rap song. The final verse is: "Why not make me the happiest of men/ And give me a shirt before I rap again/ But if instead you put me on the shelf/ You can put pickles up yo'self." Brad Graf of Leesburg, who surrendered to us his cherished collection of loser bubble gum cards, including Mitch Williams, the Dallas Mavericks, Thurman Thomas and Wes Unseld, all of which will forevermore adorn the wall of the Style Invitational treehouse. And last, librarian Tom Mann of Washington, who sent us, by way of inducement, a letter gleefully divulging the whereabouts of two amusing misprints in obscure periodicals, including an unfortunate misspelling of the word "fugue" in the New Grove Dictionary of Music and Musicians, first edition, in the agate bibliography of the article on "Gudmundsen-Holmgren, Pelle (b. Copenhagen, 21 Nov. 1932)". Nice going, Tom! How very droll! You get a shirt! Now all you need is a life! A special Maniac's Award to Kacey Kology of Catlett, Va., who appears to have written the succinct message "Give Now" in her own blood. We don't want to know, Kacey. We just don't want to know. Us give you shirt, ok? Kacey get shirt. Now Kacey go away. More than five hundred people promised to do various extreme things for a shirt, like eating cicada stew or driving the Beltway backward in a Pinto, but these don't win because, well, let's be frank here: You get the shirt, and then we never hear from you again. What do you think we are? Idiots? The point was to publicly humiliate yourself the way Erin J. Dingle of Thurmont, Md., did. Erin wrote, "Please send me a T-shirt, because I am too stupid to win one any other way." Erin gets a shirt. A shirt goes to Don Maclean of Burke, who said, "I am twelve years old and I didn't get any presents for Christmas because my parents are in jail for selling nude Michael Jackson photos to my classmates. Also, while I was outside in a shelter food line, a snow plow ran over my puppy. People in line the next day told me he was deliciousI" A shirt goes to Eleanor Grass of Washington, who says the picture of the pathetic genderless pooping individual on the front of the shirt "looks just like me!" A shirt goes to Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who reports: "I am dying of pleonasms, a rare parasitic worm, and a T-shirt would brighten my remaining days." And a shirt goes to to "Poor, pitiful little Bert Worcester," son of Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who writes: "My mommy says if you send her a shirt she'll give me one of her kidneys and I won't have to go to dialysis anymore." In the category of T-shirts awarded merely to avoid having to finish reading an entry, first prize goes to Daniel Riley of Woodbridge, who writes, "I am in need of a soft, soothing cotton shirt because my religion requires me to worship three hours a day with jumper cables clamped to my nipples, and..." And the last T-shirt winner: "Sorry I haven't come over recently, Mom. The kids keep us awfully busy. How about another T-shirt or two? Love, Chuck." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: The Washington Olympics. ====================================================================== WEEK 52, published February 27, 1994 Week 52: Testimonial Tonya Harding for The Club Madonna for Virgin Records Mitch Williams for Control-Top Pantyhose This Week's Contest was proposed by Nick Dierman of Potomac, who wins a packet of "Shakti Tongue Cleaners," a tragically neglected personal hygiene product. Nick suggests coming up with inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. (And no, Lorena Bobbitt for Ginsu Knives won't win doodly. Be creative.) First-prize winner receives a framed poster of Rocky Marciano, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 52, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and The Ear No One Reads again urgently requests photos of your pets wearing costumes. Winner gets a papier-mache duck and a picture of an elephant pooping. If you want the photos returned, send a SASE. Mail to Stupid Picture Contest, The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 49, in which you were asked to come up with events for a Washington Olympics. These were all good ideas: The Congressional Breast Stroke, the Broad Jump and the Penis Toss. Unfortunately, they were also as hackneyed as, um, Nancy Kerrigan. Sorry. Fourth Runner-Up: The How-High Jump -- Event limited to middle-level bureaucrats. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Third Runner-Up: Women's Mogul Skinning -- Competitors must fleece a D.C.-area millionaire without being deported, excommunicated or brought up on drug charges. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: The Washington Pentathlon -- A series of events in which contestants must first hit the ground running, then get up to speed, then get ahead of the curve, then push the envelope, and finally, think outside the box. (Charles A. Lauer, Potomac) First Runner-Up: Downhill Rostenkowskiing -- Employees on the payroll of Rep. Dan Rostenkowski race to find jobs in the private sector before it is too late. (Richard Barna, Wheaton; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Magician's Wrist Guillotine: The Stay Put -- A whole inch of snow is dumped on the field and competitors attempt to not go out in it. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Honorable Mentions: Poll-Faulting -- An event for spokespersons of underdog candidates. (Dan Morgan and David Smith, Washington; also, Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt) The Bobbittsled -- Two-man teams of eunuchs career though Manassas streets, pushing hospital gurneys, trying to find the nearest trauma center. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) The Wench Press. Open to members of Congress only. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Approval Ratings Dive -- George Bush holds the world record with his 1992 gold-medal performance. (Michelle Morgan and Nazan Armenian, Washington) Off-Balance Beam -- Competitors must give confusing, offputting answers to panelists' allegations, to distract them. Judged on poise and originality. ("You've been accused of nepotism." "Don't tell my mother!") (Mary Olson, Springfield) The BalderDash -- The most outrageous lies in response to a reporter's question. Points awarded for audacity and apparent sincerity. (Mary Olson, Springfield) The Platform Jive -- The gold is awarded to whichever athlete can best persuade the crowd that he or she should win. This event has no rules and no judges. (Maggie Heinz, Washington) Bureaucratic Obstacle Course -- Entrants have two years to: speak personally to their congressperson on the phone; get a building permit; apply for and receive federal funds of any kind; complain about and have fixed one pothole; successfully challenge a parking ticket; and obtain one document through the Freedom of Information Act. There has never been a winner in this event. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Jackknifing -- A Beltway event, open to hazardous materials truck drivers. Points awarded for style, sprawl, and duration of traffic disruption. (Roz Jonas, Bethesda) Pairs Skating -- Large-breasted women on skates, judged by Rep. Martin Hoke. No actual skating required. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Freestyle Crowd Estimation -- A generic crowd is marched through the streets of Washington. Opposing groups inflate or deflate the total and provide rhetorical commentary. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The D.C. Rodeo -- A timed event for District police officers. Object is to corral drunk women and hogtie them to mailboxes. (Derek Parks and Cristina Anzelmo, Arlington) Thin-Ice Skating -- Civil servants must skate one-quarter mile on the barely frozen Potomac while Congress and the president use their hair dryers to melt it. (Will and Joan Riegger, Crofton) Obfu-Skating -- Verbal twists, turns and leaps of logic to avoid stating an unpleasant truth. (Bob and Diane Prokop, Ellicott City) The Hot-Coffee Slalom -- Drivers must hold full cup (no lids) of hot coffee in hand (or on lap for extra degree-of-difficulty points) and navigate a pothole slalom course on I-395 at 40 mph. To win, competitors must have some coffee left in cup. (Jim Reagan, Reston) "Apres Moi Le De" Luge -- A competition for spin doctors. After a crisis bell, opposing teams of scandal handlers sled through deep stuff to save their boss. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Whitewater Grafting -- Once again, the Clintons are the team to beat. (Steven King, Alexandria) Figure Skating -- Teams of federal bureaucrats see how long they can talk about new projects without actually mentioning costs. (Stephen King, Alexandria) Synchronized Swining -- Two politicians yoked together wallow in the mud until all spectators leave. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Happy Birthday to Us. ====================================================================== WEEK 53, published March 6, 1994 Week 53: Cruel Fete How the Style Invitational Has Changed America: 1. Restored dignity to colostomy jokes. 2. Umm . . . 3. This week's contest was proposed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, who wins a 1994 Honda Prelude. The Czar proposes that on the occasion of its first birthday, this contest finally get the credit it is due. Tell us how the Invitational has changed America. First-prize winner receives a framed Official Photograph of President Clinton, in which he is slightly out of focus, personally autographed by Frank Ahrens. This is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 53, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads makes a final call for photos of your pets wearing costumes. Mail to Dumb Pet Pix, The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. If you want the pix returned, send a SASE. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 50, in which you were asked to come up with a new federal holiday between Presidents' Day and Memorial Day. Fifth Runner-Up: DISGRUNTLED POSTAL WORKER DAY Date: First Monday in April. How observed: Fired postal workers come in to seek revenge, only to find that everyone is at home due to the new holiday. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: PMS DAY Date: Just before one of those days in March. Observed: Tell off someone who supposedly loves you but who has inconsiderately hurt you deeply. You have license to use phrases such as "If you don't know, I am not going to tell you" and may routinely begin sentences with "If you think for one moment that . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: MALE RIGHTS DAY Date: Whenever they want. Observed: However they choose. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: FEMALE POWER DAY Date: Some crappy day in February that nobody ever remembers. Observed: Running errands and catching up on the laundry. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: NATIONAL CULTURAL ILLITERACY DAY Date: The Ides of March, the day Sid Caesar was murdered. Observed: People gather at designated places to discuss why most Americans don't know such simple things as the title of Geoffrey Chaucer's last opera, the name of the artist who painted the "1812" Overture, and the date World War I broke out in Luxembourg. (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) And the Winner of animals made of cow dung: PALINDROME AWARENESS DAY Date: 4/9/94. How observed: Gag; Poop; Step on no pets. (Laura M. Clairmont, Centreville) Honorable Mentions: SOCIAL SECURITY DAY Date: May 9. Observed: Children costumed as elderly people go door to door asking for cash "entitlements." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) DEPENDENCE DAY Date: The Fourth of April. Observed: Constituents write to their congressmen to ask when taxes are due, how to apply for Social Security and where to buy postage stamps. (Don Maclean, Burke) RELIGIOUS FREEDOM DAY Date: May 16, James Madison's birthday. Observed: You visit the homes of Jehovah's Witnesses and urge them to convert to your religion. (Jane Paulkovich, Burtonsville) JEFFREY DAHMER DAY Date: Feb. 29. Observed: Eat your heart out. (Laura M. Clairmont, Centreville) PALM MONDAY Date: March 28. Observed: Hire a lobbyist to grease a public official's hand. (Don Maclean, Burke) NATIONAL CHILDREN'S EAR INFECTION DAY Date: The day the round-trip tickets become nonrefundable. Observed: Buying a round of amoxicillin for the house. (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) MAY ONE DAY Date: May 1. Observed: Doing all the fun things you've been promising yourself during the past year: "I may one day have time to do that." (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) WHISTLEBLOWER APPRECIATION DAY Date: April 1. Observed: Federal employees get a holiday. Agency management uses the day to install new hidden recording devices at whistleblowers' workstations. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) GROUNDHOG ANNIHILATION DAY Date: March 16, six weeks after Groundhog Day. Observed: Everyone seeks revenge for bad winter weather by declaring open season on groundhogs. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY Date: The first Monday in April. Observed: You cut off the end of your blanket, and sew it onto the other end to lengthen it. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village.) PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSINATION DAY Date: April 14. Observed: Northerners go to the theater and hide under a seat. Southerners run into a barn and burn it down. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NON-GEOCENTRIC LIFE FORMS APPRECIATION DAY Date: Variable. Observed: Celebrated so as not to marginalize individuals born elsewhere in the solar system. If inhabitants of Mercury are so honored, this holiday has the additional attraction of recurring every 88 days. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NATIONAL PERJURER DAY Date: I really don't remember. Observed: I'm not sure. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) REAL ESTATE TAX ASSESSORS DAY Date: Third Monday in April. Observed: Small furry animals are shaved, equipped with miniature three-piece suits and clipboards, then hacked into small pieces and fed, bit by bit, to packs of ravening wolves. (Kate Koutsavlis, taxing authority withheld by request) BIRTH GIVING DAY Date: Third Sunday in March, nine months after Father's Day. Observed: Flushing any extra savings down the toilet. (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) DAR DAY Date: April 19, the anniversary of the battles of Lexington & Concord. Observed: Open a vein to see who has the bluest blood. Tea and tourniquets to follow. (Robert Schoeberlein, Baltimore) NATIONAL BUREAUCRATS DAY Date: A weekday between March 15 and April 15, the exact day to be determined each year by an interagency committee; however, the holiday may not fall on the same date more than once every five years except in the case of leap years, when it shall fall on the same date as the year before. In the event the committee cannot reach a consensus on the date, the holiday may be skipped unless the year number is odd, in which case the date shall be March 16. Observed: Watch the delayed C-SPAN coverage of the committee deliberations to set the date. DIVERSITY DAY Date: May 1. Observed: In public gatherings, heterosexual males of Western European descent are stripped and flogged with rolled copies of The Washington Post. (Tod Butler, Kensington) Next Week: Caption Crunch, II. ====================================================================== WEEK 54, published March 13, 1994 WEEK 54: ODD COUPLING If Julia Child married Jack Kent Cooke, she would become Julia Child Kent Cooke. If you crossed Flip Wilson with the Birdman of Alcatraz, you'd get Flip the Bird, Man. If Tuesday Weld married Alonzo Mourning and then died, she would be the Late Tuesday Mourning. If Meat Loaf formed a band with Spuds MacKenzie and Wavy Gravy on the trombone, they would call themselves "Meat With Spuds and Gravy on the Slide." This week's contest was proposed by Chris Rooney of Blacksburg, who wins a 1994 Tasteless Joke calendar. Chris proposed the comical combinations of famous names, by marriage or other conceit. First Prize winner gets a fabulous framed painting by Rembrandt, or possibly one of his lesser students, depicting a vaguely religious motif featuring Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Humphrey Bogart, Stan Laurel etc. This is several degrees more tacky than a Velvet Elvis, and has a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 54, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 51, in which we asked you to write captions for pictures we supplied. This contest prompted the largest response to date, nearly 7,000 entries, the most ludicrous of which appear below. But first, an important announcement for individuals with impaired social skills: This week the Style Invitational goes on line. You can submit entries through the Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Just think of it as the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the Information Superhighway. Sixth Runner-Up: Picture } Ned shuddered with dread. This elevator ride would not improve his reputation for rubbing people the wrong way.(Preston Williams, Alexandria) Fifth Runner-Up: Picture } Seventh Floor! Coffins! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fourth Runner-Up: Picture } No one gives a hoot about my weather predictions, complains Punxsutawney Harold. (Michael Garawski and Michelle Lefferts, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: Picture } These are your kidneys on decaf. Any questions? (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Picture } The Doublemint Twins decide it is finally time to switch to sugarless. (Bob Weber, Purcellville, Va.; also, Stephen Bates, Silver Spring, and Christopher W. Moon, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: Picture } "Seat 14B? Sure, right between us." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) u And the winner of the really fancy pogo stick: Picture } The elevator reaches the top of the Gateway Arch. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: PICTURE 1: Why Sidney Freud forever lived in his brother's shadow. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) A recent $3.1 million government study establishes that squirrels prefer acorns to tuna fish. (Steven King, Alexandria) PICTURE 2: After some discussion, the judges decided to have two winners in the musical chairs contest. (Laura Jennings, Rockville) Under the electron microscope, two vanilla ice cream cholesterols. (Bud Quigley, LaPlata, Md.) Cover models for the Russian Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. (Jon Gianiny, Charles Town, W.Va.) At six months, the twins began to look suspiciously like Dr. Cecil Jacobson. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also Jim Citron, Herndon, and Ceola McNeil, Clinton) Hillary now hires the president's personal secretaries. (Carol Lantz, Sharpsburg, Md.) At night, the soldiers descended the ladders from the Trojan Women. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fashion Tip: To appear slimmer, don't part your hair on the side. (Andre Barbera, Annapolis) Two of the women Sharon Stone beat out for the lead in "Basic Instinct." (Paul Styrene, Olney) PICTURE 3: Where Exxon Valdez Captain Hazelwood will spend eternity. (John Brodman, Washington) PICTURE 4: (drawing from "Close to Home," by John McPherson/Universal Press Syndicate): Metro's first attempt to connect the Green Line to the rest of the system. (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring) Boy, that must have been some fart! (Art Rottenborn, Fishersville, Va.) The elevator worked so slowly that people had to be put into suspended animation for the journey. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) To his horror, the repairman realized he had replaced the elevator with a garbage compactor. (Terry Bauknight, Columbia) Another day for the Under-the-Bed Dust Bunny Inspectors comes to an end. (Kimbra K. Morris, Harrisonburg) Tired of the same old rut? If you can find something wrong with this picture, you may be qualified for a career with the CIA! (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) What the red button on an elevator does. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For the second time in as many weeks, Martin awakened on the Y axis. (Mike Rayburn, Lorton) Er, thanks, I'll wait. (These people are strange. They have no mouths.) (Fred Darfler, Elkton) And Last: Picture 1: "Doctor, I've been so depressed since Henry Mitchell died." (Laura Jennings, Rockville) ====================================================================== WEEK 55, published March 20, 1994 Week 55: Escape Clauses If extramarital sex isn't cheating as long as you never actually "sleep" with anyone, then . . . It isn't shoplifting if what you swiped was overpriced. You are still a vegetarian so long as your burger came from a cow that never ate meat. This week's contest was suggested by Virginia Sen. Charles Robb, in a manner of speaking. The senator wins a bottle of Indian Spirit "Jinx Remover" bath and floor wash, an excellent product for sale in various dingbat grocery stores and, for some reason, at the Rite Aid Drugs near The Post. Anyway, the senator's semi-explanation last week for his randy behavior raises all sorts of handsome opportunities for other self-serving moral loopholes through which the enterprising 1990s transgressor can crawl. Send them to us. First-prize winner gets the amazing Sword-Through-the-Neck Trick, a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 55, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 52, in which we asked for inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. Yes, yes, of course. Dolly Parton for Bounce; Louis Farrakhan for Wite-Out; Ollie North for Nabisco Shredded Wheat; Pee-wee Herman for the Pocket Fisherman; Heidi Fleiss for Trix; Bob Packwood for Huggies. Tell us something we don't know, like: # Fourth Runner-Up: Oksana Baiul for Saab (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.) # Third Runner-Up: Sens. Claiborne Pell and Strom Thurmond for Congressional Olds (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) # Second Runner-Up: Adm. Bobby Ray Inman for Chicken of the Sea (Roy Highburg, Bentonville, Va.) # First Runner-Up: The Jackson family for Chock Full O'Nuts (Nick Dierman, Potomac) # And the winner of the framed poster of Rocky Marciano: John Wayne Bobbitt for Microsoft (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) # Honorable Mentions: Marla Maples for Gravy Train (Randy Wetzel, Boonsboro, Md.) Marion Barry for D.C. Comics (Rose Stack, Arlington) Fidel Castro for Banana Republic (Barbara Sullivan, Potomac) Jeff Gillooly for TrashMasher (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dr. Cecil Jacobson for Jiffy Pop Popcorn. (Don Buening, Dayton) John Gotti for E-Z Off (C. Buffington, Silver Spring) John Wayne Bobbitt for No-Doz (Allison Grad, Silver Spring) The ex-Oriole goldbrick Glenn Davis for La-Z-Boy (Roy Highburg, Bentonville) Leon Lett for Butterfingers candy bar (Chris Coneeney, Atlanta) Exxon Valdez pilot Joseph Hazelwood for Cap'n Crunch (Preston Williams, Alexandria; also, Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa., and Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sting for Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo (Thom Leib, Crofton) Bill Clinton for Dodge (Dan Goldberg, Burtonsville) Rose Mary Woods for The Gap (Eileen Kirby, Philadelphia) Johnny Rotten for Fresh Fields (Heidi Jean Waters, Arlington) Jack Kevorkian for Curtains Unlimited (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dexter Manley for ABC (Fred Burton, McLean) Michael Dukakis for General Dynamics (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.) Michael Jackson for Kinko's (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) # And Last: John Wayne Bobbitt for Woodies (Linda Douglas, Fairfax) Next Week: How We Changed America. ====================================================================== WEEK 56, published March 27, 1994 Week 56: Do The Hooky Pokey "My doctor says I have the 24-hour Fire Hose Diarrhea virus, and it is extremely contagious. I could try to come in . . ." "Hey, I'm a little stressed out today and -- CHOPPER! WE NEED A CHOPPER OVER HERE! -- I seem to be having some sort of strange flashbacks but I'm sure -- INCOMING MORTARS! KISS THE DIRT! -- I'll be OK as long as -- MEDIC! MEDIC! -- no one at the office is wearing black and . . . " "Nightline wants to come over and interview me about what I think of the company." "My uterus exploded. I could give you details if you want. . . ." This week's contest was proposed by Leslie Burket of Alexandria, who wins a realistic foam-rubber brick, perfect for hurling at people's heads. Leslie suggests that the suddenly beautiful Washington weather has made it essential to come up with inventive ways to call in sick or otherwise persuade your employer you must miss a day. First-prize winner receives the fabulous talking parrot, who repeats whatever is said to him, plus the Kodak Funsaver ("the film that's a camera!"), a total value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 56, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 53, in which we present the first annual Style Invitational Quiz, responding to commonly asked reader questions. Test your knowledge about America's most sophisticated newspaper column regularly featuring rectal humor. Answers below. 1. Who has won the Style Invitational the most times? 2. Who is the Czar of the Style Invitational? And who appointed him the world's greatest authority on what's funny? 3. Why are we reading this? Why aren't you awarding prizes for "How the Style Invitational Has Changed America," like you promised three weeks ago? 4. So who is this Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, anyway? 5. What are the average person's odds of winning the Style Invitational? 6. How many readers does the Style Invitational have? 7. Who has been the most successful female entrant? 8. Where is Lenoir, N.C.? 9. Who is the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads? Is it a man or a woman? What is the Ear No One Reads? 10. Has the Style Invitational ever been censored for taste by prudish journalistic overlords? Specifically, in Week Three, "Celebrity Monuments," did someone submit a hilarious entry for "The Pee-Wee Herman Public Clock" that never ran? 11. What would be a great name for a dog? 12. Who are these people? (pictures) 1. Wrong. The most frequent first-prize winner is Tom Gearty, a mysterious Washingtonian who enters sporadically, but often wins. Tom has four wins. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge is second with three, tied with Steven King of Alexandria, who is not, so far as we know, obsessed with reanimating the dead. 2. The Czar's identity, known only to himself and Bob Woodward, is stored on microfiche at the Copenhagen headquarters of the Trilateral Commission. Washington Post editors communicate with the Czar via "drop," involving chalk marks made on the base of a public toilet somewhere in greater Washington. The Czar was appointed for a three-year term by God himself. 3. Because your entries sucked. The only good ones were: "Offers a forum for the odd and the offbeat to meet, chat and fall in love, and yet provides an excellent barrier to reproduction" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria). Paul wins the autographed, out-of-focus Bill Clinton photo. Winning T-shirts were: "By comparison, Ernest Borgnine seems like a more attractive man" (Dan Riley, Woodbridge); and, "Increased volunteerism for Biosphere III" (Mike Thring, Leesburg). And of course, these: "Started a fad for wearing T-shirts inside out" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge); and, "The Style Invitational T-shirt worn by Shane Stant helped finger him to authorities" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge). And: "It has allowed the triumphant return to The Post of Janet Cooke, writing under the pseudonym Linda K. Malcolm" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge). But that's about it. 4. Chuck was a minor functionary in the personnel department of the Environmental Protection Agency until approximately 10 minutes ago, when his boss read this paragraph and realized to his horror that it is that Chuck Smith. 5. Zero. The average person does not enter the Style Invitational. 6. According to the most recent Roper-Yankelovich survey, the Style Invitational has slightly in excess of 31 readers. But they are extremely enthusiastic readers, particularly when they are off their medication, and The Washington Post does not wish to aggravate them in any way, such as by canceling this patently offensive dirtball feature. 7. That would be Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring. The second most successful woman would be Robin D. Grove of Washington, except we have been reliably informed that Robin D. Grove is not, technically, a woman. So No. 2 is Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C. 8. Who cares? 9. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is a trained ferret named Francine. The Ear No One Reads is in the Style section every Sunday, but no one reads it. 10. (picture) 11. Whee-whee. Also, Pliny The Elder. 12. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge; Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C.; The Baron de Longueuil; Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring; Tom Witte of Gaithersburg; Tom Gearty of Washington; Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring; Elden Carnahan of Laurel; that guy in the Taster's Choice ad; Meg Sullivan of Potomac; Steven King of Alexandria; and the Mayor of Tuscaloosa, Ala., though not necessarily in that order. Next Week: Odd Couplings. ====================================================================== WEEK 57, published April 3, 1994 Week 57: Calling the Toon This week's contest: Who are these people, and what are they doing? Explain one, or more than one. First Prize Winner gets an authentic Rotting Skull, a magician's prop valued at $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 57, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wonders if anyone might come up with a term for Style Invitational Plagiarists, morons who submit as original entries things they heard elsewhere, like on Garry Moore in 1971. To wit, if Kaye Ballard married Sirhan Sirhan, she would become Kaye Sirhan Sirhan. Best term for these morons wins a Jinx Remover candle. Send entries to "Idiot Terms," The Style Invitational etc. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 54, in which we asked you to come up with comical names resulting from marriage or other collaborations. Our favorite entry violated the rules of the contest, and so doesn't win anything, but George Chase of Alexandria should be flogged for the following: A special police unit has been formed to clear prostitutes from the trees and bushes south of the White House. It is called "The Whore-Force Men of the Park Ellipse." Fifth Runner-Up: If Fairchild Communications merged with Honeywell International, the new company would be called Fairwell-Honeychild. (Dennis Skoff, Sterling) Fourth Runner-Up: If former athletes Jim Kiick and Don Aase ran together for president and vice president, they would be the Kiick-Aase ticket. (Scott Warner, Hagerstown) Third Runner-Up: If Judith Light married and divorced, in succession, Terry Waite, Joseph Cotten and Richard Gere, she would be Judith Light Waite Cotten Gere. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown, Md.) Second Runner-Up: If the daughter of mimeograph magnate A.B. Dick married the son of designer Edith Head, she would probably keep her maiden name. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also,Paul Styrene, Olney) First Runner-Up: If Picabo Street broke her leg and needed intensive care, you could mail get-well cards to "Picabo, I.C.U." (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring; also, Bill Rubacky, Germantown) And the winner of the framed painting by Rembrandt or possibly one of his lesser students: If singer Wynonna Judd married and divorced, in succcession, Chinese film director John Woo, former interior secretary James Watt, Rep. Bob Weir, comedian Ed Wynn, former hockey star Gordie Howe, the father of figure skater Katarina Witt and ABC correspondent Brit Hume, she would become Wy Woo Watt Weir Wynn Howe Witt-Hume. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions If Heidi Fleiss married C. Everett Koop, she'd be Heidi Fleiss Koop. (Mary Cronin Cherry, Fairfax) If Sybil Leek married and divorced, in succession, Paul Simon, Zubin Mehta, I.M. Pei, Thomas Mann, Gale Gordon, Edward Tudor and Jamie Farr, she'd be Sybil Simon Mehta Pei Mann Gordon Tudor Farr. (George H. Chase, Alexandria) If Hillary Rodham married Bill Clinton, she would remain Hillary Rodham unless her husband ran for governor of a conservative state. (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring) If Jay North and Adam West wrote a book about Oliver North, they could call it "North," by North/West. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown) If Queen Latifah married Michael Farraday, she'd be Queen Farraday. (Annie, Ben, Sandy and David Tevelin, Burke) If Marlene Chalmers married Jack Kent Cooke, she'd be Mrs. Marlene Chalmers. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) If Mother Teresa had married L. Ron Hubbard, she'd be Old Mother Hubbard. (Jill Roessner, Washington) If Estelle Getty married Mad Magazine's David Berg, they would live at the Getty-Berg address. (Alex Robbins, Bethesda) If Mama Cass had married John Donne, divorced him and married Alexander Ptolemy, we'd get Mama Donne Ptolemy. (Al Hattal, Potomac) The law firm of Alan Alda, Jake Garn, Herbert Haft, Robin Weir and Gennifer Flowers would be Weir, Haft, Alda, Flowers, Garn. (Jan Verrey, Arlington) If Aldrich Ames married Anita Hill and call their son McKinley, it would be making a mountain out of a mole-Hill. (Steven King, Alexandria) Okay, Tippi Hedren, Keanu Reeves and Twyla Tharp star in a movie, right? It does great, so they make a sequel. You with me so far? So the sequel is billed as "Tippi, Keanu & Twyla, II" (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville) If Julia Roberts left Lyle Lovett for Bobby Orr, then divorced him and married Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt, she would be Julia Lovett Orr Leavitt. (Kimbra Morris, Harrisonburg, Va.) If Al Capp and Al Pacino were rubbed out in a mob hit, you would have Iced Capp-Pacino. (Preston Williams, Alexandria) If you crossed Frank Sinatra ... maybe that's not such a good idea. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And Last: If Chuck Smith married an employee of The Washington Post, we'd all be ecstatic. (Meghan Meyer, Olney) Next Week: Moral Loopholes ====================================================================== WEEK 58, published April 10, 1994 Week 58: Play It Again, Denzel Good move for Rick, not getting on that plane. Nazi saboteurs had rigged it with dynamite, and it explodes in an extremely cinematic fashion, featuring many spectacular leaps into the Mediterranean by stunt men strapped into seats. Victor Laszlo survives the explosion but dies an ugly death; Brylcreem is like catnip to sharks. Ilsa, her blouse seductively torn in the crash, is scooped up by a Greek freighter whose captain's second cousin is a powerful, skirt-chasing Hollywood mogul. Ilsa goes on to become a film goddess with a tragic cocaine dependency and a hatred of men. She and Rick will "always have Paris" in more ways than one. Ilsa never told Rick about the birth of their out-of-wedlock daughter, Paris, who is being raised by singing nuns in Austria . . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by Jerry Knight, who doesn't win anything because his wife is married to a Washington Post employee. Jerry suggests that since a sequel to Casablanca is being planned as a TV miniseries, we should give the producers a hand. Bring Casablanca into the 1990s. Write the opening of a plot outline, in 120 words or fewer. You may, but are not required to, cast the roles. The winner gets a videotape of "Plan 9 From Outer Space," the worst movie ever made. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 58, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 55, in which you were asked to emulate Sen. Charles Robb and come up with self-serving moral loopholes for the 1990s, as in "It's not extramarital sex if you don't actually sleep with the person." Miranda Marsh of Annapolis wins the coveted brevity award, a pair of briefs, for: "Chocolate is a vegetable." # Fifth Runner-Up: It doesn't count as tabloid reporting if you're only reporting that the tabloids reported it. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) # Fourth Runner-Up: You're still sober as lounge as you can still say your worms promperly. (Steven King, Alexandria) # Third Runner-Up: It isn't a preexisting condition unless you had it before you existed. (Lori C. Fraind, Reston) # Second Runner-Up: It isn't plagiarism if you write, say, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you -- yeah, that's right, you -- can do for your country." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) # First Runner-Up: You're not fat if clothes are actually made in your size. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) # And the winner of the incredible Sword-Through-Neck Trick: You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving.(Helen Sheingorn, Washington) # Honorable Mentions: It is not vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted the other way. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) You haven't lost your virginity as long as you remember where you left it. (Allison Grad, Silver Spring) You are not really bald if hair grows out of your nose. (Wayne McCaughey, Columbia) It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. (Andy Cohen, Woodbridge; also, John P. Fitzpatrick, Falls Church, and Richard E. Swindell, Alexandria) It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) It isn't adultery if she reminds you of your wife. (Preston Williams, Alexandria) It's not racketeering if you use a bat. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) It is not plagiarism if it is just the way you would have written it. (Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria) It isn't reckless driving if you get into a wreck. (Dabe Murphy, Silver Spring; also, Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria) It's not illegally diverting funds to contras if the president is sleeping in the corner when you agree to do it. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) You are not overweight if you can touch anybody's toes. (Debbie Ruffing, Bowie) You're not drinking alcohol if you plan to puke it all back up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) It isn't sexual harassment if you use clever code words such as "hooters" and "jabongas." (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) It isn't procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now. (Dick Biederman, Potomac) And Last: It is not an official Style Invitational Report unless the words "Chuck Smith, Woodbridge" appears somewhere in the results. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.) ====================================================================== WEEK 59, published April 17, 1994 WEEK 59: A GRAVE AFFAIR This Week's Contest was proposed by several people, but credit goes to Cindi Rae Caron of Lenoir, N.C., because she was the first to provide good examples. Cindi, who wins her choice of a live rat or a $10 gift certificate to Shoney's, suggests writing appropriate epitaphs for the not-yet-dead. Winner gets four coffee mugs featuring the three-dimensional likenesses of Popeye, Olive Oyl, Wimpy and Bluto, a value of $ 50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 59, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 56, in which we asked you to come up with excuses to miss a day of work. But first, a hearty Style Invitational apology goes out this week to Benjie Watts, a columnist for the News-Topic newspaper of Lenoir, N.C. Benjie, who writes under the pseudonym Tar Heel, read our question-and-answer column two weeks ago and took offense at the part where we asked, "Where is Lenoir, N.C.?" (Answer: "Who cares?") Benjie felt this was disrespectful to his town and urged his readers to call The Post to complain about our "highfalutin" ways. We wish to say we are very, very dreadfully sorry. We are certain that the only reason we have received just one call is that most folks in Lenoir haven't had time to hitch Ol' Bessie up to the buckboard, drive all the way to Mount Pilot to use the pay phone at the feed store. Back to playing hooky: Fourth Runner-Up: "If it's all the same to I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Third Runner-Up: "When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)Second Runner-Up: "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 days in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled-up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early." (Sydd Souza and Jim Eagles, Upper Marlboro) First Runner-Up: "My stigmata's acting up." (Cindy Aldrich, Silver Spring) And the winner of the fabulous talking parrot and Kodak Funsaver: "I can't come to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?" (E.J. Wassmer, Olney) Honorable Mentions: "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Giant." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how 'bout them Skins, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "I was on my way to work when this man dressed like a ninja asked me where he could find you. I thought fast and said I was meeting you at the ballpark. If there's any place I can lose him, that's it." (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb." (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg) "I just found out I was switched at birth. Legally I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. I should get it cleared up by tomorrow." (Donna Kerns, Winchester) "This darn brain aneurysm of mine is acting up again." (Leo Solimine, Washington) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled." (Chuck Hawkins, Oakton) "The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet." (Ray Smith, Germantown) "She's having ... uh, I'm having an identity crisis." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) "I prefer to remain an enigma." (David L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands, and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I am converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian." (David L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates." (David I. Gilbert, Miami, Fla.) "My wife makes more than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son." (Julie Brinkman, Gaithersburg) "I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: "I injured myself with a wrist guillotine that I won in some stupid contest." (Paul Styrene, Olney) ====================================================================== WEEK 60, published April 24, 1994 Week 60: Ask Backwards III By Striking Him Repeatedly on the Tuchus Peter, Paul and Murray Only Roseanne Arnold Because No One Asked Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Toothbrush That First Geeky Day of a New Haircut It Rhymes With Orange Stinkle Gargantua and Pantagruel The Ear No One Reads Confucius Rosenblatt Jonathan Livingston Maggot Mooooooo Because You Can't Eat a Bowling Ball Dr. Jonas Salk & Larry From the Three Stooges Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler? This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more than one. First-prize winner gets a terra-cotta lawn pig and a terra-cotta lawn bunny, a total value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 60, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 57, in which you were asked to write captions to one of four cartoons we supplied. Fourth Runner-Up (Picture C): Bernice misunderstands her promotion to Head Waitress. (Ron Kaufman, Springfield) Third Runner-Up (Picture A): The Other Wright Brother, Shemp. (David Waldman, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up (Picture D): At a press conference announcing his candidacy for mayor, Marion Barry insists he suffers no residual effect from his prior cocaine use. (Stuart Beardall, Fairfax) First Runner-Up (Picture D): The "fishbowl" carcinoma, a rare tumor that develops only after years of sticking cigarettes up the nose. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington) And the Winner of the Rotting Skull:(Picture C) A flight attendant cheerfully demonstrates the new recommended dining procedure enabling airlines to further compress knee space. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Picture A: Weird Uncle Bernie, the Flying Wallenda no one talks about. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) As the Cold War ends, it becomes apparent that Solzhenitsyn's exile had little to do with his writings. (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) The true story of Rasputin's death was less dramatic, but still arresting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Guinness record holder for the most consecutive times saying "What are you looking at?" (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro) Tolstoy sets out to prove that "War and Peace" is really light reading. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) Eventually a security guard watching the roof of the Library of Congress caught on as to how the first editions were disappearing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Picture B: Davy Crockett's capmaker during a raccoon shortage. (John Cushing, Washington) The wrong way to milk a cat. (Steve Dunham, Fredericksburg) Time was of the essence to John Wayne Bobbitt's doctor. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Picture C: Suzy, ever the optimist, decided to make the best of having a plate in her head. (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington) Buffet-style dining for lap-impaired people. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Julia Child creates a meal off the top of her head. (Kathy Hanger, Arlington) The no-seefood diet. (Sarah Guy, Mechanicsville, Va.) Picture D: After turning 60, Paul McCartney's efforts to be the walrus got more and more pathetic. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) When Steve had ordered fish and chips this was not quite what he had in mind. (Steven King, Alexandria) Charles Kuralt in his new job promoting ways to conceal baldness while cultivating enough nose hair to sustain a transplant. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) The oldest trick in the book -- breathing through reeds while under water. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The inventor of the bong demonstrates an early unsuccessful prototype. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Ernest Borgnine disguises himself as a walrus hoping for a free lunch at Sea World. (Nancy Kramer, Lovettsville) Under new anti-smoking guidelines, smokers are permitted to patronize restaurants provided they adhere to certain conditions. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata, Md.) Fearless D.C. Council member Jack Evans demonstrates that quality nighttime entertainment will still be available after his ban on nude dancing takes effect. (Rafael Eschly, Washington) After the first two shots, William Tell had to admit he wasn't as good with a spear gun. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Joe's night was not going well at all. He left his house in a fury, missing his toupee and grabbing the fishbowl instead. To top it all off, he misread the no-smoking sign, thinking it said "Nose Smoking Allowed." (Michael Graver, Laurel) Mr. Paul found it increasingly difficult to hold the attention of the missus. (Donna Kerns, Winchester, Va.) And Last: This should get me back into the Style Invitational, Ross Perot thought grimly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Play It Again, Denzel ====================================================================== WEEK 61, published May 1, 1994 Week 61: No Hard Feelings This Week's Contest was occasioned by the fact that the Style Invitational is changing artists. After a spectacular run of 60 weeks, Marc Rosenthal is being replaced by Bob Staake, though Marc will be returning for occasional guest appearances. Just to show he is not bitter, Marc has drawn us a few cheerful farewell panels. All you have to do is fill in the balloons. Answer one or more than one. (Answers on a separate page are fine.) First prize winner receives magician's escapable leg shackles, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 61, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. The Faerie of the Fine Print announces that the winner of the contest to invent a word for idiots who submit old, unoriginal entries to the Style Invitational is Jacob Weinstein of Washington. Jacob has coined the term "plagiarists," which, he says, comes from plagiarus, which means kidnapper in Latin. "Latin is a complicated language I made up when I was in kindergarten," he reports. "Kindergarten is a concept I came up with in 1840 under the pseudonym Freidrich Froebel." Jacob wins a Jinx Remover candle. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 58, in which we asked you to write a script for "Casablanca II," planned as a TV miniseries. Second Runner-Up: Widow Ilsa (Jessica Tandy) returns to Casablanca on a tour and is surprised to find that Rick (Hume Cronyn) is still alive. They repeat lots of dialogue from the original movie. Tandy acts coy. Cronyn acts spry. Reviewers gush and hail it as a sensitive exploration of romance in the golden years. It is actually four hours of crushing boredom. Tandy and Cronyn get nominated for Emmys because they are old. They lose. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) First Runner-Up: Rick (Bill Murray) wakes up to find that Ilsa (Andie MacDowell) has not arrived in Casablanca yet. After putting Ilsa and Laszlo (Chris Elliott) on the plane for the umpteenth time, Rick catches on that he is reliving the same plot over and over. The next day he punches Sam (Ted Danson) in the mouth for playing "As Time Goes By" and he can no longer finish his hill o' beans speech without bursting into laughter. The movie ends when Rick finally says "Play It Again, Sam." (Joseph Romm, Washington; also, Ward Kay, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of "Plan 9 From Outerspace": The flight to Portugal turns into a nightmare when a malevolent alien life form attacks passengers and crew. With full splatter effects, the humans are killed one by one until only Victor (Sly Stallone), flying the plane, and Ilsa (Sigourney Weaver) are left. Hearing their distress call over the radio, Rick (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sam (Wesley Snipes) fly to the rescue in a stolen German fighter. Rick makes a sensational midair transfer to the larger plane, and he and Ilsa force the creature out onto the wing where Sam annihilates it with machine-gun fire. But as Rick and Ilsa embrace, Victor emerges from the cockpit, his features strangely distorted . . . (David Laughton, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Opening shot: Close-up of Victor drinking a can of Diet Coke. Ilsa flies by Northwest from wherever she was to meet Victor. Later that night: Ilsa walks into Victor's room wearing nothing but a Swatch watch. For the next 15 minutes, Victor and Ilsa have sex. After sex, they smoke Marlboros. While all this is going on, Rick is captured by Islamic fundamentalists in Egypt, where many violent things occur in slow motion. He is rescued by Victor and Ilsa, driving a Toyota 4-by-4. (Ryuta Ohtani, Canton, N.Y.) Laszlo and Ilsa are returned to Casablanca when the Nazis suddenly remember they don't really give a damn about de Gaulle's signature on letters of transit. Ilsa reports Rick to the National Organization for Women, claiming he insists on doing the thinking for both of them. Sam objects to being sold with Rick's Cafe and reports Rick to the EEOC . . . (Dennis McDermott, Alexandria) Ilsa (Sharon Stone) wakens from her morning slumber. The place next to her in the bed is empty. She looks out past the bedroom window and rubs her eyes in disbelief. She sees the Eiffel Tower. She hears the shower running and moves into the bathroom. She wipes the steam from the shower door. There stands Rick (Tom Cruise). "But Rick," she says, "you stayed at the airport in Casablanca!" Rick laughs. "It must have been another of your dreams. Why don't you come in and soap my back? After all, we have a train to catch!" (Joe Willmore, Alexandria) Rick and Louis' friendship blossoms into something truly beautiful. They spend many nights lamenting the fact that they will not be able to openly join the U.S. Army until they are both nearly 100 years old . . . (Jim London, Rockville) Rick does in fact reach America, where he opens a fast-food chain called "Rick's Hill o' Beans" . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ilsa has lost her accent, providing, finally, a breakthrough role for Meredith Baxter Birney . . . (Randy Rieland, Washington) Next Week: A Grave Affair ====================================================================== WEEK 62, published May 8, 1994 Week 62: Bad News Bearers "This is your . . . suuuuuuck . . . captain speaking. We might be experiencing . . . lay some flame on me, dude, the rock's gone out . . . a certain amount of turbulence . . ." From your barber: "Hey, don't worry, it will grow back." From the foot doctor: "Geez, would you take a look at that. Hey, would you mind if I took a few Polaroids?" From your brain surgeon: "Hey, when I touch this thing, that thing moves!" This Week's Contest was suggested by Gabriel Goldberg of Chantilly, who wins a box of 500 Desmond Howard bubblegum cards that we have somehow obtained. Inspired by a barber's actual comment to a closely shorn friend of his, Gabe suggests coming up with statements one would not like to hear from friends, relatives, service personnel etc. First-prize winner gets a realistic gorilla mask, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 62, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads hereby solicits humorously decorated envelopes mailed to The Style Invitational. Best will win a rare antique commemorative presidential plate from the Bush administration. This idea came from Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a festive dispenser of puke candy. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 59, in which we asked you to come up with epitaphs for the still living. Sixth Runner-Up: Kevin Costner -- Dancing with worms. (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy) Fifth Runner-Up: Mark Rypien -- We mourn his passing (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also Edward Seiler, Lanham) Fourth Runner-Up: Here lays Heidi Fleiss (Blake Reid, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up: Andy Rooney -- Have you ever noticed how stuffy it is when you're six feet under? You'd think coffins would have a ventilation system or something. And another annoying thing about being dead . . . (Andrew C. Spitzler, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Shaquille O'Neill -- Heart attack! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Victor Kiam -- I liked the farm so much, I bought it. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington) And the Winner of the Wimpy, Bluto, Popeye and Olive coffee mugs:(with line graf showing life expectancy charted against age) Ross Perot -- It's simple. Do the math. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: Henny Youngman -- No, I said take my wife (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Jack Kevorkian -- I did it my way (Don Maclean, Burke) Al Gore -- Biodegrade in peace (John Verba, Washington) Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton -- Beloved cookie-making First Lady who stood by her man and is right now turning over in her grave (Linda Sheffield Miller, New Market) Any D.C. Resident -- No radio in casket (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Robin Ficker -- Now, we rest in peace (John Callebaut, Arlington) Al Gore -- Hmm. Better check. Anybody got a mirror? (Mary Olson, Springfield) Richard Nixon -- His final coverup (Paul Kondis, Alexandria. Nixon was still living at the time this was submitted) Michael Jordan -- b. 1963 d. 2051 NHL MVP. 2036-37 (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Bill Watterson -- Is on sabbatical. "Calvin and Hobbes" will resume on his return. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville) Here lies Charles Manson. May he burn in peace (Bryan Camp and Susan Gillette, Alexandria) Ronald Reagan -- We are eternally in his debt (Peyton Coyner, Afton) Here Lies Madonna -- Necrophiliacs welcome (Tom Gearty, Arlington; also, Gary Buzbee, Alexandria) Engelbert Humperdinck -- Someone finally released him, thank God (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Dolly Parton -- Did not drown (Richard N. Crenshaw, Reva, Va.) Who was the host of Jeopardy? (Jim Eagles, Annapolis Junction) Chuck Smith -- He lived his life in Style (Linda Nevitte, Herndon) And Last: The Style Invitational, 1993-1995. All pooped out (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 63, published May 15, 1994 Week 63: Bad About You Using only the letters in the name of a famous serial killer, come up with the name of a country or a large city. You do not have to use ALL the letters in the killer's name. Example: John Wayne Gacy -- Ghana. Name an annoying celebrity and the planet you would send them to live on. Examples: Roseanne Arnold, Saturn. Ross Perot, Pluto. Come up with a funny caption for either of these photographs. (a nature scene; a portrait of hitler) Now, don't jump to conclusions. This Week's Contest was suggested by the literally hundreds of you who keep writing in with stupid ideas for new contests. The latest, just received in the mail, is: "Come up with things to eat that are not edible. Example: A phone book!" Another one, and we swear this is for real: "Come up with a slogan celebrating the empowerment of women and minorities in the Clinton administration. Example: 'This Is the Dawning of the Age of Empowerment.' " So we thought we'd run a contest to Come Up With A Lame Idea for a Style Invitational Contest, an idea destined to create unfunny results. You must give at least one example. First-prize winner gets a framed Botticelli painting, featuring the likeness of Marilyn Monroe on the upturned scallop shell. It is possible this is not an original Botticelli, though we have obtained it for $50 from highly reputable art dealers who operate out of the back of a truck on Rockville Pike. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 63, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 60, in which you were asked to come up with questions to any of several answers we supplied. Sixth Runner-Up -- Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray. Question: Who were two of the Apostles and their bookie? (James Christopher, Springfield) Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Jonathan Livingston Maggot. Question: Who wrote "Today is the first day of the rest of your lice?" (Ted Spencer, College Park) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Only Roseanne Arnold. Question: Did Arnold the Pig have any siblings? (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray. Question: Who recorded the hit song "Don't Think Twice It's All Right Already"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Teeth. Question: What song title did Kim Carnes reject before recording her 1981 hit, "Bette Davis Eyes"? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Dr. Jonas Salk and Larry from the Three Stooges. Question: What two people hold the record for hearing the word "Ow!" the most? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the terra-cotta Lawn Pig and Lawn Bunny: Answer: Stinkle. Question: What is the primary drawback of the Dick Gregory "all-asparagus" diet? (Bruce Evans, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Answer: Dr. Jonas Salk and Larry from the Three Stooges What medical research team developed the vaccine shot to the back of the head? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Answer: Jonathan Livingston Maggot What is the title of Richard Bach's unpublished manuscript about a seagull who wants to be a fly? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington; also, J. Calvin Smith, Washington) What do I find when Jonathan Livingston I exhume? (Ron Prishivalko, Reston) Answer: By Striking Him Repeatedly on the Tuchus How do you get candy out of the new Marquis de Sade Pez dispenser? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) How do the Singaporeans create an American celebrity? (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Answer: Gargantua and Pantagruel Question: Which children of Frank Zappa have the most common names? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) What are the two sizes of hosiery larger than Queen? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Answer: Peter, Paul and Murray Who was at the Next-to-Last Supper? (R. Scott Krick, Richmond) Answer: The Ear No One Reads What hears the sound of one hand clapping? (Christopher L. Parkin, Washington; also, John Cushing, Washington) Where would be a good place for Salman Rushdie to promote his new book, "In Your Face, Rafsanjani"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Answer: Mooooooo What is the dyslexic's mantra? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What do blades of grass yell out to scare each other on Halloween? (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Answer: Vladimir Zhirinovsky's Teeth What is the best reason to get rid of your color TV? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What is the last place in the world to find a Jew's harp? (Scott Thornton, Beltsville) Answer: Al Gore. Al Gore. Al Gore. Bullwinkle. Instead of "You are getting very sleepy," what have hypnotists begun saying? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was the total vote count at the 1984 Democratic primary in Dixville Notch, N.H.? (Scott Thornton, Beltsville) What's the world's dullest set of multiple personalities? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler? What show-stopping number closes the hit Austrian musical "Waldheim!"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was David Duke's reply when asked if he had ever hit his wife? (Rick Lewis, Bowie) Answer: Only Roseanne Arnold Who is more interested in Roseanne Arnold than Style's Reliable Source column? (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville) Answer: If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get It What clever marketing slogan does Dan Quayle not get? (John Gadd, Washington) Answer: It Rhymes With Orange What does Bob Dylan think "it" rhymes with? (Jim and Tana Reagan, Reston) Answer: Because You Can't Eat a Bowling Ball Stranded on a desert island with only a bowling ball and Brussels sprouts, why would one starve to death? (Penny Dash, Bethesda) What is the ad tag line that lost the Frito Lay account? (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Answer: Stinkle What is the new singing duo formed by Art Garfunkel and Sting? (Deborah Howell, Herndon) What was the last name of Casey, who managed the Mighty Skunks? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What was the last finalist eliminated before the selection of Snap, Crackle and Pop to represent Kellogg's Rice Krispies? (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) And Last: What is another way to spell my name wrong? (Richard W. Stickle, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 65, published May 22, 1994 Week 65: Desperately Seeking Humor From Jeffrey Dahmer: SWM seeks a relationship to really sink his teeth into ... From a leper: ". . . A part of me likes to slip away from time to time ... From a Siamese twin: " . . . SWF, very close to her family . . . From a bulimic: ... easy to please, pretty much enjoys whatever comes up . . . From a circus geek: ... accustomed to getting stares from women ... This week's contest was suggested by the fact that Sunday Style today begins running personal ads, those earnest little tidbits of creative falsehood where people try to paint themselves in as favorable a light as possible without actually lying. So, in 40 words or fewer write a personal ad. It may be for a celebrity or for anyone in need of adroit euphemism. Winner gets an atrociously cute 30-pound cement lawn sculpture of two kittycats in a bedroom slipper, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 65, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 61, in which we asked you to fill in the balloons for Marc Rosenthal's farewell cartoons. Sigh. We knew this would happen eventually. As we have said before, The Style Invitational does not seek or practice diversity. The Style Invitational is America's last remaining pure meritocracy. We choose winners based entirely on humor. We do not try for balance -- not on the basis of ethnicity, geography, socioeconomics, or gender. We are objective, but we are not fair. There were 1,400 entries this week, submitted by 445 individuals. The winners follow. So what are you going to do, sue us? Mary Ann The Lawyer eats sniveling, mewling whiners like you for breakfast. Fifth Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "I couldn't afford the little castle, so I let the fish swim in and out of my nose." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "A one-piranha suicide is going to take some time." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "I still think this is too much ether, but tell the proctologist I'm ready now." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon C): "Yay, it does look bigger this way!" (Rod Reynolds, Bowie) First Runner-Up (Cartoon D): "Yippee! With my new Hackey-Cat toy, I'll make millions!" (Tom Gearty, Arlington) And the winner of the escapable magician's leg shackles (Cartoon C): "Dandruff shampoos are okay, but they miss the nose hairs." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A "Look, the headline says there's some guy running around strangling cats! I hope they catch him." (Mike White, Alexandria) Cartoon B: "Lessee, I've carefully packaged the bomb with untraceable explosive, cleaned all fingerprints, and done a pretty good imitation of a real postmark. They'll never figure out who ... hey, where the hell is my toupee?" (Chuck Harman, District Heights) "If they get it, they GET it." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Cartoon C: "By God, you're right. From inside the fishbowl, my cat does look like a poorly drawn knockoff of Krazy Kat!" (Bill Ade, Burke) "Who's the wise guy who said it was easier to stand on your head in water?" (Chuck Harman, District Heights) "You mean, you don't think The Post literally meant for me to go soak my head?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last (Cartoon B): " 'By removing my scalp and mailing my imagination directly to the Style Invitational editors, I can let them pick a winner for me every week and save time for really important stuff,' Chuck Smith said to his dog, Woodbridge." (Matt Wagner, Chantilly) Next Week: Bad News Bearers ====================================================================== WEEK 66, published May 29, 1994 WEEK 66: THE SON-OF-SMITH LAW This Week's Contest was suggested by a terrifying piece of correspondence that justarrived by e-mail. We thought it was a joke, a particularly cruel joke, until we checked it out and discovered it to be a particularly cruel fact. It was an entry to this week's contest, submitted by one "Chris Smith" of "Woodbridge." Mr. Smith, a college student, said he was tired of sitting idly by while his father reaped all the glory. Yes, The Son of Smith. Here is the frightening part: His entries were good enough to suck down a couple of honorable mentions. Clearly, things have gone too far. This week's contest: In 50 words or fewer, what do we do about the Chuck Smith problem? Winner gets a fabulous plaster bust of Richard Nixon, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get tt1e mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 65, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 62, in which we asked you for lines one would not like to hear from acquaintances, relatives, etc. But first, a cheery little aside. Two of the responses we got were from Washington-area doctors, who shared some hilarious things they like to say among themselves about patients who aren't long for this world. Like this knee-slapper: "He shouldn't buy any green bananas!" Or, this: "Better check the expiration date on that one!" Hahahaha. Kind of makes you want to go out and kiss a doctor all over, doesn't it? With herpes-suppurating lips. • Fourth Runner-Up--From your boss: "How long have you been with us now, not counting tomorrow?" (Art Rottenborn, Fishersville) • Third Runner-Up--From your chiropractor: "I suggest you see a good tailor." (Frank Mason, Fairfax) • Second Runner-Up--From your vice presidential candidate: "Who am I? Why am I here?" (Tom Witte,Gaithersburg) • First Hunner-Up--From your proctologist: "Are you aware that you have a mole? No, no, i mean a real mole." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) .. • And the winner of the fabulous gorilla mask: From your new parrot: "Not my eyes, Polly! NO! NO! Not the eyes! ... Auuugggghhhh!" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) • Honorable Mentions: From your child: "Daddy, why do we have the same mailman we had in California?" (Peyton Coyner, Afton) From your flight attendant: "Do you have any flying experience?" (Steven King, Alexandria) From your ear doctor:" 'm afr at 've ost uch or earing." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) From a scientist: "We regret to inform you that our rare giant albatross with a restricted diet of fish guts and laxatives has escaped and is residing in the tree above your front door. He cannot' possibly be moved until spring." (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) From your hunting buddy: "Great shot!,Saaaay ... do deer wear saddles?" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) From the maitre d': "No, I'm positive, we do not have valet parking. Why do you ask?" (Chris Smith, Woodbridge; also Jamie Walker, Fairfax Station) From your mother: "Come here, dear, you have a little spot on your cheek." (Harris Shetlel, Rockville) From a fellow elevator passenger: "Pfffflumrpfft." (Steve Holman, Arlington) From your fertility doctor: "Look, she has my eyes!" (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg; also, Robyn Kroll-Remick, Atlanta, Ga.) From your new doctor: "You are on what? Interesting. I've never heard of that being prescribed for a human before ." (Chris Smith, Woodbridge) From your kid: "Daddy, I made the phone say, 'Bonjour.' " (Jonathan Fraim, Ellicott City) From the chief justice of the United States: "Please repeat after me, 'I, J. Danforth Quayle, do solemnly swear ...' " (James M. Vennett, Arlington) From Alex Trebek: "Okay, gentlemen, the categories are: Famous Diet Plans, Romance Novelists, Color Selection for Draperies, Getting in Touch With Your Feelings, Tupperware Bestsellers and That Time of the Month." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) From the racetrack announcer: "And they're off! Except one ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: From a judge: "Compelling evidence having been presented to this court regarding the charges of failing to flush the people's toilet, we find the defendant guilty and remand him to the custody of Queenstown prison for imposition of the mandated penalty under the laws of the Nation of Singapore." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 67, published June 5, 1994 Week 67: Exit Laughing This Week's Contest was suggested by Douglas Olson of Laurel, who proposed this as a lame contest idea doomed to provoke unfunny results. (Doug obviously doesn't realize how pathetically desperate we are.) He wins a handsome clay fire hydrant suitable for holding dog biscuits, toilet paper etc. Doug suggests making up the last lines of famous dead people whose last lines are unknown. First-prize winner gets a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Rodham Clinton, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational Losers T-shirts. FINISH WITH REST OF REGULAR AGATE Josef Stalin: "Well, it's time for another purge! The only question is, who?" Amelia Earhart: "Wow, cool! The gauge says we haven't used any fuel in 1,300 miles!" Report from Week 63, in which we asked you to come up with lame ideas for Style Invitational Contests. But first, a brief note to the dozens and dozens of readers out there who laboriously responded to our examples of idiotic contest ideas (create "humorous" captions for a picture of Hitler or of dirt; find geographic anagrams in the names of famous murderers) by actually entering those contests. One person submitted six pages of tedious anagrams for "John Wilkes Booth" and another did the same for "Theodore Bundy," apologizing at one point because "Borneo" is not technically a "country" but rather an "archipelago." Now, we hope none of our esteemed readers takes this the wrong way, but WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF IMBECILES? Those were examples of bad contests. They were not the contest. Even WE aren't that stupid. Only Len Taylor of Gaithersburg retained any dignity at all, idiotically misunderstanding the contest, but at least doing it with style. His caption for Hitler: "Marion Barry was set up too?" His caption for a vast empty field of dirt: "The Fourth Annual Chuck Smith Fan Club rally and cookout." Lastly, we would like to thank the many of you who proposed, as the lamest contest idea ever, coming up with a contest for the lamest contest idea ever, and those of you who came up (get this) with a contest to illustrate what God looks like. Ahem. Bad ideas: Fourth Runner-Up: What are some humorous things to say to brighten up a funeral? Example: A penny for your eyes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Describe the objects depicted in these drawings. Maximum 50 words. Example: A.) Gas grill. (Tom Gearty, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Develop an alphanumeric formula for famous baseball players. Example: [(N-1][AB][(Z/2)x2]C][(W-10][Z1/2]JC[Ex3]=Minnie Minoso (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Name a movie that would not have been successful if Herve Villechaize had played the lead. Example: "Citizen Kane." (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the Winner of the Botticelli painting featuring Marilyn Monroe: Create a series of numbers beyond 1 and 2 to signal the need to attend to other bodily functions. Example: Number 3, Vomiting. Number 5, Weeping facial sores. Number 6, Hemorrhaging. Number 7, Body parts sloughing off. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: Create snappy replies to panhandlers, using only upper-class diction. Example: "My good man, if you expect the world to owe you a living, you will never get anywhere." (John Cushing, Washington) Name the body parts that most resembles an artichoke, a rutabaga, and a cam shaft from a '64 Chevy. Example: Pineal gland, eyeball, teeth with braces. (Chuck Snowdown, Arlington) You are riding in a hot-air ballon with all the mass murderers in history; to land safely at Dulles you must jettison one of them. Which one, and why? Example: Josef Stalin -- because he is fat. (Steven King, Alexandria) President Clinton has authorized you to rearrange the alphabet. Change the order in such a way that no word of three or more letters is present. Example: KDLFOSVGAJCQZBIYTXEHMURWPN. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Assign mob-style nicknames to famous people. Example: Jimmy "The Fornicator" Swaggart; Daniel "Duh" Quayle. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Name a book that would probably not be a bestseller. Example: A Finnish-Swahili dictionary. (Thomas Knibb, Walkersville, Md.) Bubba is too old-fashioned. Come up with a new nickname for Clinton. Example: "Cap'n" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) State a celebrity and an appropriately named perfume they can promote. Example: Elizabeth Taylor, Obese (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Find a place name from a foreign country, remove all the vowels, and then predict in what kind of sport a player with that name would best fit. Example: Tegucigalpa. Tgcglp. Soccer. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Come up with exciting euphemisms for pooping. Example: Launching a flotilla. (Mary Mazer, Nashville) Name the titles of shows even Geraldo rejected at first, but is thinking about. Example: "Prison Guards Who Eat Leftovers From Death Row Prisoners' Last Meals." (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Name a famous person and somebody else you wish they'd turn into. Example: Hillary Clinton -- Moms Mabley. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Take a well-known piece of classical music and put it in a different key. Example: Toccata and Fugue in D major. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Come up with products to fit the following prices, a' la "Price Is Right." A: $2.49 B: $ 1.19 C: $ 5.79. Example: B: Brillo Pads. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Assume the St. Lawrence Seaway does not exist. Describe how you would get from New Brunswick to Lake Ontario. Example: Walk. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville) Name a celebrity whose name, when spelled backward, looks like it could mean, "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE" in the native language of some 7-Eleven clerks. Example: YLLIER NOSLEN SELRAHC. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In 25 words or fewer, describe a scene from "The Simpsons" as it would unfold if everyone in the family were smart. Example: Homer sees an ad for souvenir chunks of the world's largest doughnut for only $39.95 each. He doesn't buy one. (David Laughton, Washington) Come up with titles of Michael Dukakis's likely beach reading this summer. Example: "Negative Ecological Ramifications of Applying Zero-Based Budgeting Methodologies to Generalized Government Procurement." (John Callebaut, Arlington) What are some humorous sobriquets that gently mock feminists? Example: Some feminists tend to be just the weensiest bit unfunny. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Name a product that should be kept off TV because its name is so suggestive. Example: Lavoris. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Assume Basque shepherds had conquered the known world rather than the Romans, and suggest resulting changes to modern-day English. Example: "Liberty and Zuzentasy for All," or, "The Style Norgehiagoketational." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Point out logical inconsistencies in movies that only anal-retentive bozos would notice. Example: In "The Sound of Music," how come the kids have summer vacation, since the Anschluss happened in March 1938? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Give a celebrity a hilarious new first name. Example: Earl Pavarotti. (Tom Gearty, Arlington) Come up with a breed of dog not recognized by the AKC. Example: An Australian Frog Hound. (Tchaka Owen, Charlottesville) If humans couldn't laugh: A) What would they do instead, and B) How would it be written? Example: A) Hiccup B) hic hic hic. A) Suck air between teeth. B) Sfee sfee sfee. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Trying to be Sexy, You Bomb Big Time ====================================================================== WEEK 68, published June 12, 1994 Week 68: Give Us A Sign Femini -- It is a bad time of the month for you. Testes -- You have an unlimited amount of gall. Vertigo -- Cut down on your partying. This week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a fabulous prank hypodermic syringe. Elden suggests coming up with new astrological signs for the 1990s, together with one day's horoscope. First-prize winner gets a framed painting of the "Abbey Road" album cover, featuring the likenesses of Elvis, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart, purchased from the official Style Invitational art curators, who operate out of the back of a truck on Rockville Pike. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 68, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Anurgent message from the Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads: Many alert but confused readers wrote in to observe that something peculiar appears to have happened to Week 64, inasmuch as Week 63 was followed by Week 65, even though we later referred back to Week 64, as though it had existed, and once incorrectly reported the results of "Week 64," which never technically happened. It might have just been a mistake, but who knows? In 30 words or fewer: What happened to Week 64? Winner gets a great $40 clock featuring a painting of grazing buffaloes, tepees and a man in a headdress who looks about as much like an American Indian as Lawrence Welk did. Send entries to Style Invitational, Week 64 Special Contest, The Washington Post, etc. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. The winner of the contest to come up with snapshots of your pets wearing costumes was Sue Hanson of Montgomery Village, who we are fairly certain cheated by sending in a picture from a post card. But we are choosing to ignore this inasmuch as it is great, and all the other ones bit the braunschweiger. Sue wins a papier-mache duck and a picture of an elephant pooping. Thank you. Report from Week 65, or possibly 64, in which you were asked to come up with personal classified ads that do not actually lie but creatively stretch the truth a bit. Third Runner-Up: From a Devil worshiper -- "SWF, willing to make sacrifices . . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Second Runner-Up: From someone with multiple personalities -- "I am a real people person . . ." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: From John Bobbitt -- "SWM, recently divorced AND recently separated . . ." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And the winner of the hideous cement lawn sculpture: From a morbidly obese person: "SWM with an enormous heart . . ." (Nick Dierman, Potomac) Honorable Mentions: From Chuck Smith of Woodbridge: "MWM ISO a life. . ." (Linda Bakley, Falls Church) From a person with split personalities: "Looking for woman interested in multiple organisms . . ." (Dawn-Michele Gould, Germantown) From a physician -- [scrawls ending in $1,000,079.98] (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) From Shane Stant: "Olympic trials participant. Enjoys clubs, swinging and bars . . ." (Larry Gordon, Potomac) From Jack Kevorkian: "Let me help you see the light . . ." (Steven Dudzik, Silver Spring) From avant garde director David Lynch: "I want someone to sit on my coffee table and call out the names of the presidents. That would really be great. And a dog. Shouldn't a dog be in here? But he has to be holding a human hand. That would be neat." (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) From an asylum inmate: "Are you looking for a committed individual? . . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) From John Bobbitt: "Unattached male seeking companionship . . ." (Peggy M. Hyde, Charlottesville) From Stuttering John Melendez: "SSSSSSWWWWWMMMMMM, ssseeeks . . ." (Christie Kennedy, Syosset, NY.) From "desperate": "SMWBPJMF seeks therapist specializing in the treatment of persons suffering from indentity crisis." (Harris Shettel, Rockville) From Vladimir Zhirinovsky: "Object: adventure, travel, getting a little crazy now and then . . ." (Tom Meyer, Alexandria) From Jack Kevorkian: "Seeking someone patient, long-suffering, for long drive in your garage . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: The Son-of-Smith Law. ====================================================================== WEEK 69, published June 19, 1994 Week 69:Laying Down The Law Murphy's Law: If Anything Can Go Wrong, It Will. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. The Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. This Week's Contest: We recently discovered these wonderful principles in a book by Arthur Bloch titled "Murphy's Law, and Other Reasons Why Things Go Wrong." The book was published in 1978, so we figured it is high time to identify some exciting new principles that explain why things happen the way they happen. Send us some. First-prize winner gets a spectacular sunbleached steer skull, a real one just like in Georgia O'Keeffe paintings, with big horns and crummy rotting teeth and everything, suitable for mounting on a wall if you are really weird, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 69, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The two pseudonymous Chuck Smith entries below were submitted by Edward T. Tweddell of Berkeley Springs, W.Va., who has a funny name, and Fred Darfler of Elkton, Md., who has a funnier name. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 66, in which we asked you how to solve the problem of (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge), specifically that over the last year this contest has been more or less hijacked by one precocious bureaucrat from some dirtball Washington suburb. Third Runner-Up: Begin to assign him little nicknames in print. Like, (Chuck "Poopy Drawers" Smith, Woodbridge). Or, (Chuck "Sexually Transmitted Disease" Smith, Woodbridge). (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Second Runner-Up: Get the Tobacco Institute to prove there's no such thing as Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. (Joan Delfattore, Newark, Del.) First Runner-Up: Announce that Week 70 is a contest to write threatening letters to the president. Then forward Chuck's entry, and only Chuck's entry, to the Secret Service. (Paul Styrene, Olney) And The Winner of the Bust of Richard Nixon: In order to discourage me, alter my entries prior to publication so I seem to be a complete jackass. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Get the Bullets to select Chuck Smith as their No. 1 draft pick. That will guarantee no one will ever hear from him again. (Steven King, Alexandria) Have all contestants start entering under the name "Chuck Smith," until the real one just sort of shambles away. (Chuck Smith, Elkton, Md.; also, Chuck Smith, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) Renegotiate his pact with the Devil. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Tell Chris Smith that "as long as your old man is alive you'll never have a shot at the big prize." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Slowly kill him through T-shirt poisoning. (Steve Ahart, Sterling) Have him and (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) compete in a quicksand-sinking contest. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Ask him to stop using gags I give him when he gets me drunk. (Don Maclean, Burke) Do you think he has declared the value of all those shirts? Turn him in to the IRS. That's how they got Capone. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Call him every 15 minutes, day and night, and ask, "Have you come up with anything funny yet?" (John Vogel, Upper Marlboro) Award him the Pulitzer Prize. This will stoke his gigantic ego, and loosen his defenses. Send the prize to his home, in a box. It will be spelled the Pull It Sir, Prize. It will have a pull tab. It will be a hand grenade. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) And Last: Select winners based entirely on distance the entry has traveled. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) ====================================================================== WEEK 70, published June 26, 1994 Week 70: Sounds Like a Bad Idea Q: What is "Clop Clop Clop Clop BANG Clop Clop"? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. Q: What is "Kabloom, Kablooie, Kablamm, Duhh." A: Three smart bombs and a dumb one. Q: What is "Pull! Fizz! Bang! Pull! Fizz! Bang!" A: Skeet shooting for Alka-Seltzer in the rain. Q: What is "Me Me Me Me Me Me Me"? A: A prima donna warming up at the Metropolitan Opera. This week's contest was proposed by the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who wins five years of free orthodontia for her children. The Czarina proposes a contest to come up with jokes based on noises. First-prize winner gets a gigantic antique plaster Miss Piggy bank, vintage 1979, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 70, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, July 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 67, in which you were asked to come up with the final words of famous dead people whose real final words are unknown. But first, the Czar wishes it to be known that he finds nothing at all funny about death, that he in fact intends to die himself one day, and that he wishes to urge all readers to skip over the remainder of this column, inasmuch as it is completely tasteless and will offend anyone with even a rudimentary sense of decency. Fourth Runner-Up -- Richard Nixon: "[unintelligible] [expletive deleted] [unintelligible]" (David Laughton, Washington) Third Runner-Up -- Lou Gehrig: "Lou Gehrig's disease! Damn! I should have seen that one coming." (Jonathan Lechter, Rockville) Second Runner-Up -- Rene Descartes: "Think! Think!" (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.) First Runner-Up -- Dr. Seuss: "I would not eat them with a cop/ I would not eat them with a . . . [Plop.]" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the winner of the life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton: Richard Nixon: "I am not dying." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Napoleon Bonaparte: "Why does my hair smell like arsenic?" (Harold Weiss, Reston) Cass Elliot: "That prima donna? I can sing better than she can while eating a ham sandwich! Watch this!" (Alex Thornton, Beltsville) Leon Trotsky: "Oh, yeah, Josef? Who died and made you boss?" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Pearl S. Buck: "The Buck stops here." (Kristie Lyn Dunleavy, Falls Church) Isaac Newton: "When an apple fell on my head, I discovered gravity. I wonder what I can discover with this here anvil?" Jimmy Hoffa: "You grznaks are taking all the risks of selecting and capturing human specimens and preparing us for examination, but the flzcrajds up on the mother ship are getting all the performance bonuses. You've got to stick together and demand what's yours. Let me tell you what joining the Teamsters can do for you . . ." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) John Crapper: "Do you think anyone will know I ever lived?" (Len Taylor, Gaithersburg) U.S. Grant: "If it is not already taken, I would like to be buried in Grant's Tomb." (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Elvis: "Ungh. Unnghh. Unnnngghhh." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Isadora Duncan: "A silk scarf would make this outfit a real head-turner." (Susanne B. Duncan, Alexandria) Richard Nixon: "I tell you, it is not a significant amount of time! Here, let me show you by not breathing for 18 1/2 minutes." (Alex Thornton, Beltsville) The Big Bopper: "Wanna hear something really funny, Buddy? I told the pilot I only weigh 175 so he'd let me come." (Don Beale, Arlington) Chicago Mayor Richard Daley: "At least I can still vote!" (Catherine Sloss, Washington) Thomas Malthus: "Here's one less mouth to feed." (Kom Kunyosying, Kearneysville, W.Va.) Bill Casey: "No way. I'd rather die than talk to Bob Woodward." (Bill Verrey, Richardson, Tex.) Benito Mussolini: "Everything looks upside down." (John Cushing, Washington) Will Rogers: "Wiley, you've got the patch over the wrong eye." (John Cushing, Washington) And Last: Johann Gutenberg: "O, I die! What a vision I see before me now: Bibles, sacred works, penny dreadfuls, flatulence jokes in a major daily newspaper . . ." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 71, published July 3, 1994 Week 71: Caption Crunch, III This week's contest was proposed by Fred Kaiser of Washington. Fred wants you to come up with a new, funnier caption for any picture or illustration anywhere in today's newspaper. This is particularly interesting because the Style Invitational is printed a day in advance, and as we write this, we have no idea which pictures will appear in the Sunday paper. Isn't this exciting? Fred wins a realistic human arm that can dangle outside a car trunk or extend up from a toilet bowl or something nifty like that. Anyway, make sure to include with your entry either the picture or a photocopy of the picture you are captioning. First-prize winner gets a colorful, working Coca-Cola clock featuring a 1950s soda fountain scene, an item everyone agrees would be a real period-piece work of art if it were constructed of ceramic or wood instead of plastic the approximate thickness of a human cornea. It is worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 71, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness, or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 68, in which you were asked to come up with new signs of the zodiac, together with one day's horoscope. But first. . . CORRECTION AND APOLOGY Because of an editing error, a major figure in world history was misidentified in last week's Style Invitational. Coming from the editors of this vulgar feature, the mistake was as appalling and inexcusable as if the Washington Post had written "President Elmo Clinton" or "the composer Marvin van Beethoven," or "The Messiah, Rutherford B. Christ." Accordingly, The Washington Post extends its apologies to the descendants of inventor Thomas Crapper, who was tragically misidentified as "John Crapper." Fifth Runner-Up: TUCHUS: You'll get a little behind in your schedule today. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville, Md.) Fourth Runner-Up: LIBRIUM: You will have a terrible day, but you won't care. (Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt) Third Runner-Up: OREO: You may feel yourself pulled apart today. (Lyell Rodieck, Washington) Second Runner-Up: TSURIS: Better you should stay home. (Stu Segal, Vienna) First Runner-Up: FECES: Watch your step. Avoid electric fans. (Jean C. Clancy, Fairfax; Joe Sisk, Arlington) And the winner of the painting of the "Abbey Road" cover featuring Bogie and Dean and Marilyn and Elvis: TEDIUS: You will wake up. You will stretch your left arm. You will stretch your right arm. You will yawn. You will stretch your left leg. You will rub your right eye. You will yawn again. You will . . . (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions CUOMO: Do not make a decision today. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) LEONA: Everybody hates you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ENIGMA: Spend Sunday as if it were Thursday. Monday finds you wishing it were Wednesday. Avoid non-sequential weasels. (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) HYPOCHONDRIA: You have cancer today. You will have pimples tomorrow. (Kate Weizel, Bowie) ENNUI: Today will be so, oh I don't know, dissatisfying. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington; also, Dawn-Michele Gould, Germantown) HILARIUS: Today you have to screw in a light bulb. Be original. (Bill Harvey, Alexandria) TAURIST: You are going to visit new places, meet new people and pay 20 bucks for a seven-block cab ride. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) ARSENIO: You are past your prime. (Larry Gordon, Potomac) ZEBRA: It's not a good day to be with a Leo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) CAPRIATI: Stay off the grass. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.; Gordon A. Janis, Washington) HERPES: Avoid flare-ups with loved ones. (Larry Cynkin, Kensington; Annie Wauters, Washington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)) GIGOLO: Stay away from Virgos. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) JIMINY: Stay on the straight and narrow! Don't steal, cheat or lie! (Eric Chang, Silver Spring) THESAURUS: Find new ways to express yourself. (David Siltman, Gaithersburg) ZEPPO: Your siblings may garner more attention than you. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) BIMINI: Avoid photographers. (Joseph Romm, Washington) VACUOUS -- Smile. Have a nice day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. (Starr Mayer, Hayes, Va.) CAPRACORN: You will live happily ever after. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: There Oughta Be a Law ====================================================================== WEEK 72, published July 10, 1994 Week 72: Oh, hell. Pee-Wee's Hell: Darkened theater. Fabulous dirty movie on an endless loop. Both hands stuck in bowling balls. June Allyson's Hell: She keeps waking up in the Lincoln Bedroom with her hand in a bowl of water. George Bush's Hell: He is at a lectern, speaking to a group of deaf people. For all eternity they sit there, reading his lips. Tammy Faye Bakker's Hell: She is at her dressing table. She has just awakened. The Archbishop of Canterbury awaits her momentarily. All her makeup is missing. In desperation, she must consider using the only three things that are available: spackle, Pla-Doh and lime Jell-O with floating grapes. This week's contest was suggested independently by Mike Sam of Fairfax and some dipstick who keeps sending in mediocre entries under the pseudonym "Chuck Roast, Woodbridge." Sam wins an unbelievably ugly T-shirt featuring a highway map of Columbus, Ohio. Roast will win one too if he ever reveals himself. Sam 'n' Roast (Salmon Roast?) suggest coming up with the perfect vision of hell for a famous person, living or dead. First-prize winner gets a nifty music-activated swaying plastic Frog Band, a $30 toy advertised "For Ages 3 and Up." Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 72, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 69, in which you were asked to come up with sequels to Murphy's Law. As often happens when a contest seeks new variations on old themes, you bombarded us with plagiarism. Dozens of people submitted blatantly recycled material as their own, including: "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." Also: "Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; women's desire for intimacy often results in sex." Also: "Cole's Law: shredded cabbage." Hahahaha. This is our last benign warning to all you Steal Invitationalists. Next time, we Act. Fifth Runner-Up -- Boyle's Law of Inevitability: If you go on living long enough, you will die. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) Fourth Runner-Up -- The Law of Imitation: It's not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first. Biden's Corollary to the Law of Imitation: It's not plagiarism if you would have said it the same way had you said it first. (Peter Orazem, Bethesda) Third Runner-Up -- Bates's Law: The phone always rings when you are outside the shower with a knife. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up -- Jason's Law: An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys. (Bruce W. Van Roy, Vienna) First Runner-Up -- J. Calvin Smith's Observation on Entropy: There is no un-fan for the ca-ca to un-hit. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the Winner of the Real Steer Skull With Rotting Teeth and Everything: The Principle of Documentary Fallibility: Every important document you write will contain at least one egregious typographical error. The more pubic the document, the more embarrassing the error. (Pat Scully, Sunderland) Honorable Mentions: Boyle's 63rd Principle: The ears have walls. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Paradox of Bad Circumstances: Something bad will always happen to someone else. However, we are all someone elses to someone else. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) The Kellogg's Conundrum: Why do some people achieve greatness and others have Grapenuts thrust upon them? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Boyle's First Law: If not controlled, work will flow to the competent person until he submerges. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Alter Ego Scenario: Older, more experienced workers are a valuable resource because when they retire, all mistakes can be blamed on them. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Dr. Doolittle's Theorem: If an animal is unusually vicious, then it is more likely to survive any usually fatal disease. (W. S. Furie, DVM, Frederick) The Rule of Male Drivers: If you don't care where you are, you are not lost. (Kevin Cuddihy and Liz Lee, Fairfax) Boyle's Conundrum: Like it or not, America is inching toward the metric system. (Charles P. Boyle, Annapolis) The Metro Principle: The clarity of a PA system on public transportation is inversely proportional to your familiarity with the system. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) O.J.'s Axiom to Avoid Being Pulled Over: Stay out of the left lane, keep it under 55 and keep a gun to your head. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) J. Calvin Smith's Absolute Certainty No. 1: I don't know who, why or when, but somewhere at some time someone will have a life and death need for two snowflakes exactly alike. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Clinton's Law: Being too smart by half is even worse than being stupid. (Thomas R. McCabe, Lorton) The First Law of Government: An executive agency in motion tends to remain at rest. (Bruce Ramsay, Gaithersburg) Smith's Observation: The person who says, "Where did you last have it?" actually believes he is providing valuable assistance. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Law of Disproportionate Pain: A ton of bricks weighs the same as a ton of feathers unless it hits you in the head. (John F. Cissel, Fairfax) The Porcelain Magnetism Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: An object dropped in the bathroom will always land in the toilet. (Jim Reed and Jennifer Bostic, Columbia) The Cartoon Law of Gravity: A person will not fall until he looks down and realizes that there is nothing underneath him. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) The Angler's Credo: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) And Last: The Style Invitational Theorem: The opportunity of winning is directly proportional to the willingness to submit oneself to public humiliation. Do I pull my pants down yet? (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) First Runner-Up Rule: Your chances of winning the Style Invitational are directly proportional to the humor and originality of your entry and pigs can fly. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Carnahan's Rule Of Three: The longer one works to bring ironic Talmudic allusion and elegant Chaucerian wit to one's entry, the greater the likelihood the winner will prominently feature "drool," "snot" or "poopy." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Sounds Like a Bad Idea. ====================================================================== WEEK 73, published July 17, 1994 Week 73: LUNACY "Watson, come here, I need you!" "I claim this land for the King of Uruguay. Hahaha." "Golly, this is neat!" This Week's Contest: Wednesday marks the 25th anniversary of the moon landing, as well as the greatest gaffe in the history of Historic Sayings. Neil Armstrong, a fine American but not exactly a poet or an orator, having rehearsed his little immortal line 6,000 times until no mistake was possible, put his foot onto the moon's surface and then into his mouth. Neil fluffed the line, big time. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," Neil said. Used like that, of course, "man" and "mankind" are the same thing. He meant one small step for a man. But it's a lousy quote anyway. Stiff, formal, no spontaneity, predictable. Tell us: What should Neil have said? First-prize winner gets a giant antique rag doll that looks like an employee of an 1890s San Francisco bordello, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 73, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 70, in which we asked you to come up with jokes based on sounds. But first, a special prize of "The Toilets of New York," a hilariously humorless book reviewing public restrooms in New York City, to Bill Swisher of Silver Spring, who submitted the following: Q: What is "Q: What is Sis Boom Bah? A: The sound of an exploding sheep." A: It is the sound of a Style Invitational reader plagiarizing Johnny Carson, circa 1982. No, this is not particularly funny, but it wins Bill an award for honesty because it distinguishes him from the many, many other people who submitted the identical joke but claimed it as their own. We are now going to name all those people, a truly pathetic assemblage of thieves and idiots: Elliott R. Howard of Leesburg, Scott Ferry of Poolesville, Dann Dickerstein of Washington ... Okay, we are making these names up. Next time, we won't be so kind. Get the picture, all you Steal Invitationalists out there? Splendid. Third Runner-up: What is "Cling! Dink! Knock! Phump! Bang! Doink! Bump! Clonk! Fong! Brick! Whack! Glorp! Cloong! Padagoink!"? Kevin Duckworth, shooting baskets. (Adam K. Lee, Washington) Second Runner-up: What is "Doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-pow-pow-pow-doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly"? The Good Humor drive-by killer strikes again. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) First Runner-up: What is "Swish Swish, Swish Swish"? Michael Jordan switching careers. (Gene O'Neill, Gaithersburg; also, Noah Schenendorf, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Miss Piggy bank: What is "AAAAAAaaaaaa ... "? Unfortunately, no one had taken the trouble to explain to the Wicked Witch of the West the difference between a bidet and a toilet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: What is "Fssssss ... Fssssss"? On his deathbed, Robin Hood shoots again, deciding not to be buried in the cesspool. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is "Biff! Grunt. Pow! Wheeze. Bap! Moan"? Adam West reprises his role as Batman. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring"? A call to a D.C. government office. (William J. Irvin, Fort Washington) What goes "Vroom Screech, Vroom Screech"? A blond at a flashing red light. (Sandi Quallich, Germantown) What is "Snap Crackle Poop"? The sound of a bowl of Rice Crappies. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Ding!"? Round 11 of the Ali-Gumby fight. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) What goes "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"? A cannonball-only rendition of the "1812" Overture. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What is "Scratch. Sniff. Plop"? The gas company's Chloroform Awareness Card, another bad idea. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) What is "Meow plink plink, Meow plink plink"? The world's fastest violinmaker. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Ow! Ow! Ow!"? A man with stigmata on his palm runs for office in Virginia. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is "Bibbity Bobbitty Boo"? The ghost of severed parts. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) What is "Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx"? Malcolm X, snoring. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last, and the winner of a handsome toidy: What is "Hippety-hop, hippety-hop, hippety-hop, thud"? How I hope to tell my husband that I'm pregnant, by having him read it in the Style Invitational. (Joann Rizzo, Woodbridge) Next Week: Caption Crunch III ====================================================================== WEEK 74, published July 24, 1994 Week 74: Shirt Happens This week's contest was prompted by our profound respect for women. Alas, in the last few months, the Style Invitational has been a debacle for the fillies. Male winners have been seriously outnumbering female winners, and here is why: The leading numero-uno Big Kahuna smartypant woman contestant has stopped submitting entries. What happened to "Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring"? Why has she abandoned her sisters to the foul odiou ness of Chuck Smith of Woodbridge? At first we thought it might be because we were a teensy bit late in mailing out Linda's first-prize award of a complete boxed set of Barry Manilow CDs, which she won in 1993 but which was not shipped until, er, last Tuesday. But then we remembered that Linda once wrote in that she does not even own a CD player and planned to use the $90 set of high-resolution CDs as "coasters." So that couldn't be it. Desperate for a clue, we riffled through old entries to find Linda's last one. It was in April. With it was appended a little note, politely observing that our blue "Year 2" T-shirts were just a bit tacky, inasmuch as they are the color of cheap gum balls, the sweaty, sticky kind you get in machines raising money for Taiwanese softball leagues. Also, the shirts appeared to feature an image of a person pooping. IS THAT ALL, LINDA? YOU HAVE BETRAYED YOUR GENDER BECAUSE OF ... FASHION CONSCIOUSNESS? Fine. Splendid, then. Just for you we have redesigned the T-shirt, featuring the elegant artwork of the official Style Invitational designer, Mr. Robert Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes. We think you will find Mr. Robert's stylings much more tasteful. Okay? You back in the fold? Anyway, in 10 words or fewer, what should the back of the T-shirt say? We are looking for a slogan that befits the prestige and dignity of this contest. Winner gets a huge burlap sack filled with barley goo and yeast, which allegedly you can brew at home into 2 1/2 gallons of beer, a value of $ 40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 74, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, July 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 71, in which we asked you to submit new captions for any photo or illustration appearing anywhere in The Washington Post on July 3. Fourth Runner-Up: Before the invention of the color copier, the Army spent millions perfecting the high-resolution Silly Putty print. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Third Runner-Up: The newest chic dish in trendy Washington restaurants is deep-fried rat in a light tomato puree. (Earl F. Gilbert, La Plata; also, Kathleen Pendracky, Avella, Pa.) Second Runner-Up: Terminally ill with cancer, Colombian defender Andres Escobar knocks the ball into his own goal on the advice of his doctor, Jack Kevorkian. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Sen. Donald Riegle Jr., left, goes the distance in beating nine-time champion Martina Navratilova in the 1994 Dristan nose-pick challenge. Sen. David Pryor, center, failed to qualify. (Richard Gillcrist, Rockville) And The Winners of the cheap Coca-Cola clocks: A brazenly unrepentant Marion Barry campaigns in D.C. with a misspelled T-shirt plainly advertising that he is "Buying Powder." (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi; also, Ellen Meyerson, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions "I've got your health care package right here." (John Kammer, Herndon) Ape is caught smuggling naugahides out of Africa. (Larry A. Gordon, Potomac) Many naive consumers in the early 1950s purchased floor model radios with still photographs mounted on top, believing that these were "those television sets everybody's talking about." (Earl F. Gilbert, La Plata) Teacher recertification standards hit an all-time low. (Seraj Ali, xxxx) Spring training for Michael Jordan was a bigger adjustment than he had figured. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) In a debate with former surgeon general C. Everett Koop, the president of the American Tobacco Institute maintains that cigarettes do not cause health problems. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Dark lines indicate the route traveled by O.J. during live TV coverage of the chase. (John Wallington, Silver Spring) Early pornography was more symbolic than explicit. (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Maryland Lt. Gov. Melvin Steinberg attacks the doctor responsible for replacing his left arm with several microphones. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Luis Martinez performs the traditional Mexican Testicle Dance celebrating a goal against Switzerland. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Yes, Mr. Hoffa. All we need is your footprints in this box of cement, and you can have this free painting. (Gary Cornelison, Monrouth, Md.) Uh-oh! Foul! In soccer, only the goalkeeper is allowed to touch the ball with his hands. (Judy Premer, Baker, W.Va.) One imaginative but ultimately unsuccessful experiment used a live killer whale instead of an internal combustion engine. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Visions of Hell. ====================================================================== WEEK 75, published July 31, 1994 Week 75: Curses! "You should grow like an onion, with your head in the ground." "May you lose all your teeth except one, so you can still get a toothache." "May you become famous, so famous they name a fatal disease after you." "You should live like a chandelier, hanging by day and burning by night." This week's contest was prompted by the fact that Yiddish, the language of this Czar's sainted grandma, is a dying tongue. With it will disappear some of the most colorful curses ever devised, such as all those above. We must not let this happen. Your challenge: Come up with modern maledictions in the wise and entertaining Yiddish tradition. Printable ones only, please. First-prize winner gets an official dorky Star Trek Space Pen, part of a limited edition, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 75, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Aug. 8. Please include your address and phone number. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 72, in which we asked for concepts of Hell for famous people. But first a response to several whiny letter writers who urged us to exercise compassion toward people who send in old jokes as their own, people we threatened to punish via public humiliation. Very well. We have reconsidered, and welcome all you drooling boneheads back to the game, without penalty other than the one God has already assessed you. Third Runner-Up: Ollie North's Hell: Under oath, with his mortal soul on the line, in front of the heavenly tribunal, he swears he's a liar. No one believes him. (Edward Roeder, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Imelda Marcos's Hell: She is a minimum-wage sales associate at Shoe Galaxy, and her only customers are Blondie Bumstead, Cathy and her mother, and Lucy Ricardo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Dr. Kevorkian's Hell: In eternal private practice, he has a lavish office but only two patients: Rasputin and Lazarus. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Fabulous Frog Band: Bill Clinton's Hell: He actually feels our pain. Every time someone stubs a toe, gets a root canal, falls down the stairs, suffers a stabbing hemorrhoidal burn . . . (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) Honorable Mentions: John Bobbitt's Hell: Night after night he is a guest on Johnny Carson. Ed Ames is throwing tomahawks at him. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) William F. Buckley's Hell: He is forced to talk continually, but is not permitted to use the subjunctive mood. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Geraldo Rivera's Hell: Deep in the bowels of Hades, Geraldo comes upon a sealed door marked "Entrance to Heaven." After toiling for centuries, he is finally able to pry it open. There is nothing there. Geraldo comes to another door marked "Entrance to Heaven . . ." (Larry Covey, Columbia) Daniel Patrick Moynihan's Hell: The entire U.S. is redistricted and he must continually run for reelection as a senator from West Virginia. (Larry Covey, Columbia) Michael Eisner's Hell: The glove found at the L.A. crime scene belongs to Mickey Mouse. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bill Gates's Three Levels of Hell: 1. They are using OS/2. 2. They are using Kaypro IIs. 3. He is handed an abacus. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Thomas Malthus's Hell: His publisher insists on printing Malthus's name on the flyleaf as: THOMAS MALTHUS Hertz Corp.'s Hell: The only celebrities who agree to become its new spokesperson are Mike Tyson, Pee-wee Herman and Michael Jackson (Steven J. Cohen, Fairfax) Nancy Kerrigan's Hell: She is at Disney World. It is corny as hell. She is playing a Whack-a-Mole game. She is the mole. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) John Bobbitt's Hell: Mumps. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) H.L. Mencken's Hell: He is sent to the Ozarks to arbitrate grammar disputes. (John L. Brown and Lynn Sidehamer, State College, Pa.) Bill Clinton's Hell: He is surrounded by shapely women with big hair, miniskirts and white plastic boots. Every hour they deliver to him an Arkansas state trooper. (John Brock, Reston) Harry Houdini's Hell: Every ticket in the theater is sold. The orchestra is playing his entrance fanfare. He is locked in his dressing room and can't get out. (Ken Trombly, Bethesda) Charles Goren's Hell: For this rubber, deuces and one-eyed jacks are wild. For the next rubber, aces may be used as high or low. For the following rubber, pass three cards to the left after the bidding is closed. For the . . . (Christie Houser, Alexandria) Joyce Kilmer's Hell: He is abandoned in a dense forest from which there is no escape. (John L. Brown and Lynn Sidehamer, State College, Pa.) Michael Dukakis's Hell: Everyone drives a tank while he's issued a Barney Big Wheel. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Hillary's Hell: She goes to what she thinks is Heaven, until she realizes everyone but her has a halo. (Tom Neven, Spotsylvania, Va.) William Safire's Hell: He meets St. Peter. He is given a choice between two doors. One is marked "Flammable." The other is marked "Inflammable." (Alison Sohmer, Reston) Philip Morris Executive's Hell: The research performed by our scientists provides conclusive proof that these people are in no pain at all. The increase in the sulfur concentration only serves to improve the air's aroma. Scriptural reports of suffering and eternal torment are biased accusations by extremists in the anti-Hell lobby. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Chuck Smith's Hell: He never again wins the Style Invitational but appears only in other people's winning entries. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: Katharine Graham's Hell: Every Sunday, her copy of the Washington Post consists of pages A1, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2, F2 and Parade magazine. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Next Week: Lunacy ====================================================================== WEEK 76, published August 7, 1994 Week 76: Adios. Sorry. No examples this week. It's August, and we're outta here. This week's contest was prompted by the fact that August gets no respect. Washington gets as empty as a dumpster full of anxieties. Public discourse gets as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that starved to death. People make like infinitives and split. This is an intolerable affront to a month with many fine qualities. Tell us: In 40 words or fewer, what is great about August in Washington. You'll have to wait six weeks for your answers, because the Invitational is on sabbatical. First-prize winner gets a fabulous giant-size 1975 calendar featuring the tortured likenesses of all the presidents of the United States and spotlighting, in a large portrait, President Gerald R. Ford, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 76, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Aug. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in six weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 73, in which we asked you what Neil Armstrong should have said when he landed on the moon. Several disturbingly popular themes emerged: 1. Neil has to pee real bad, usually because of excessive consumption of Tang. 2. Neil steps in poo from the cow that jumped over the moon. 3. Neil "cuts the cheese." 4. Neil and/or Buzz drops trou and "earths" the moon. What is wrong with you people? This here is a classy contest. We would no sooner dignify this sort of crude humor than we would stick a subliminal toilet joke in our ear. Fourth Runner-Up: "Is it my imagination, Buzz, or does the moon look really big tonight?" (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Third Runner-Up: "Line!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also, Chuck Coleman, Oakton, and Bill McClatchie, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: "At last, a place where white men can jump." (Christie Houser, Alexandria; also, Robert Lisle, Staunton, Va., and Austin Doyle, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: "Cool! Now the moon is flat and the Earth is round!" (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) And the Winner of the bordello rag doll: "One hundred eighty-seven thousand six hundred forty-four bottles of beer on the wall . . . " (Stu Segal, Vienna) Honorable Mentions "If we can do this, why can't we make a painless nose hair remover?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Help! I've risen and I can't get down!" Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) "Houston? Armstrong here. . . . No, dammit, Neil Armstrong." (Angus MacLean Thuermer, Middleburg, Vt.) "A man on the moon! Good God, what's next, the Mets winning the World Series?" (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) "Houston? I thought this would be a good time to ask for a raise." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Hey, Buzz. I bet ya 'Who is Michael Collins?' will be a great 'Jeopardy!' question . . . in, like, about two weeks! Hahahaha." (Gregory A. James, Fairmount Heights) "Okay, Buzz. I'm throwing the key in. You can undo the cuffs and come out now." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Bein' as how there's no other place around the place, I reckon this must be the place." (Jim Barnes, Leesburg) "That's one small step for an individual of male gender, one giant leap for non-gender-specific pan-ethnic chronologically diverse beings whose different methods of worshiping an omnipotent creator who/that meaningfully guides history and their lives, or not recognizing any such being at all, are equally meritorious." (Joan Koury, Washington) "Wow! Deja vu!" (Russ Beland, Springfield; also, Waldo L. Jaquith, Free Union, Va.) "Houston, I am picking up some kind of alien transmission. I hear a laugh track, and now someone, or something has just said, 'To the Earth, Alizorg! Do you hear me, to the Earth!' " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Hello, Domino's? Let's get this straight. You guarantee delivery anywhere within 30 minutes or the pizza is free, right?" (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.) "Hey guys, this plaque says "Richard F. Nixon." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Hey, look. There's a monkey hitting another monkey with a bone over there." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Houston, this is Buzz. Armstrong told me to come out first. He, ah . . . didn't want all the glory, and he was tired too. Also, um, his radio is broken, and he's decided not to go back to Earth." (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I lost 180 pounds in three days, and I ate all the foods I really like!" (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) And Last: "I can't help wondering how this moment will be memorialized in the newspapers in 25 years -- probably something real dignified, I am sure." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 77, published September 4, 1994 Week 77: The Rorschach of the Crowd II We're back. It's a brand-new season, we have a brand-new T-shirt and a brand-new reader-friendly attitude. In the past we may have seemed a trifle arrogant at times, as though we were some sort of infallible planetary authority on humor and you were, to put it bluntly, a battalion of doofs. Well, that is all in the past. We will no longer be condescending. "Condescending" is a great big word that means talking down to people. Anyway, This Week's Contest: What Do These Ink Blots Mean? Explain one, or more than one. You can flip them over, if you wish, but make sure to specify which side is up. First-Prize Winner gets an elegant desk sculpture, crafted from road kill by fine Mexican artisan-taxidermists, depicting two frogs playing billiards, a value of 90,000 pesos. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 77, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 74, in which we asked you to come up with a slogan for the back of the new and improved Style Invitational T-shirt. The funniest entry ineligible for a prize (it violated the word-length rule) was submitted by Larry Covey of Columbia, Md.: "My Parents Went to Colombia and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt With Little Bags of Sugar Sewn Into It." Fifth Runner-Up: Need Help. Call Police. (David King, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: Right. Like YOU'RE Stephen Hawking. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Losing Is Like Death, but Without Your Eyelids Sewn Shut (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: I'm With Stupid ART DEPT: 'WITH' IS CROSSED OUT (Linda "Kvetch" Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: Ask Me About My Bodily Function Joke (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the Winner of the Burlap Sack Filled With Goo: New and Imporved T-Shirt (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Honorable Mentions: It's a Lousy Contest and I'm Lousy at It (Gary D. Michaels, Potomac) I Am Not an Animal (Stu Segal, Vienna) "And Thus Do I Clothe My Naked Villainy." -- Shakespeare I Think (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When the Thermometer Pops Out of My Butt, I'm Done (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Oh, I Thought You Said Butt Light (Larry A. Gordon, Potomac) Not an Employee of The Washington Post or a Member of Their Immediate Family (Bruce W. Alter, Springfield) My Other T-Shirt Is the Nobel Prize (J. F. Martin, Falls Church) Don't Bother Me, I'm Trying to Walk (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) I'm Going to Euro Disney! (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Smith Happens (Paul Styrene, Olney) Puns of Steel (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Eastern Bloc Judges Screwed Me (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Don't Stop Thinking About Next Week (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) That Which Does Not Kill Us Often Hurts Us Badly (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Attn. Colleagues: Knife Goes Here (Don Maclean, Burke) Virtual Banality (Chris Rooney, Reston) It's a Geek Thing. You Wouldn't Understand. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Warning: Objects in T-Shirt Are Closer Than They Appear. (James M. Lopez, Quantico; also, Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) How's My Walking? FAX 202-334-4312 (Joseph Romm, Washington; also, Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax, and Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Almost as Funny as "The Family Circus" (Ignatius McBundy, Silver Spring) I Yield to the Gentleman From Woodbridge (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Veni, Vidi, Olfeci (I Came, I Saw, I Stank) (Jessie Geitl, Washington) Next Week: Curses! ====================================================================== WEEK 78, published September 11, 1994 Week 78 : Seeking Smart Morons A Personal And Confidential Fax District Government Great Britain Family Vacation This Week's Contest was suggested by Tom C. Korologos of Washington, who wins a skull and crossbones flag. Tom proposes that you come up with an oxymoron for our times: an expression made bogus by the fact that it combines incompatible, contradictory ideas. First-prize winner gets a spectacular, mint-condition wire hubcap from a 1986 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, purchased from and authenticated by none other than Dick Terselic, The Hubcap Man of Rockville Pike. This is a value, believe it or not, of $84 and is suitable for framing or affixing onto the wheel of a 1986 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 78, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 75, in which we asked you to come up with colorful curses in the great Yiddish tradition. Fourth Runner-Up: May your hair never turn gray, so everyone thinks you dye it. (Stephen Mather, College Park) Third Runner-Up: May you be caught shoplifting by a security camera, which adds 10 pounds to you in court. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up: May the ladies on 14th Street call out your name as you drive by with your wife. And may your wife call back to them by theirs. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) First Runner-Up: May you be a contestant on "Jeopardy!" playing against my 7-year-old son and the only categories are Power Rangers, X-Men and fart noises. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the Winner of the dorky Star Trek Pen: May your children be so clever they are acquitted of murdering you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: May your final sight be buzzards fighting over your best parts. (Chuck Hawkins, Oakton) May your yeast infection grow so large it will yield enough bread to feed all the starving of the world. (Erica Hughes, McLean) May your teenage daughter's grades show radical improvement, but only in the classes in which she has a male teacher. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) May you be 72 hours away from being executed for a murder you didn't commit when the real killer confesses to authorities in a letter he mails from the District of Columbia. (Bernie Harris, Woodbridge) May your ex-spouse's new lover work for the IRS. (Starr Mayer, Hayes, Va.) May you own a mansion with 10 bedrooms, and on each bed may there lounge an unemployed son watching MTV. (John Cushing, Washington) May your toenails grow into your shoes. (David L. Howison, Lexington, Va.) May your rock album be declared obscene and create a vast parental outcry across America, and still not sell. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) May you fall on your tuchus into a vat of Rogaine. (Janet Millenson, Potomac) May you be so handsome your cell mates fight over you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May you die in a fiery crash with Jim Carrey and entry into Heaven depends on who can make the best faces. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) May you become wealthy when your wife writes a bestseller. May it be titled: "Size Isn't Everything: The Unlucky Married Woman's Guide to Somehow Finding Satisfaction." (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) May you get a call from Blockbuster because you returned a tape of you and your spouse instead of "The Firm." (Steve Kent, Crofton) May your life be like a fairy tale. May you be eaten by a wolf. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) May you become a poster child for Spontaneous Human Combustion. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) May you grow old gracefully, just like Howard Metzenbaum. (Jessie Gietl, Washington) May the O. J. Simpson verdict come in at the moment your news conference is scheduled. (Karen Lubienicki, Laurel) You should live to be 120 years old. Beginning in 1875. (Bernie Harris, Woodbridge) May you see the dawning of an era of peace in which all men and women, of every nation, race and creed, come together, united by their hatred of you. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) May you become a serial killer, hoping for a cool nickname like "Zodiac Killer" or "Midnight Maniac," but instead be labeled something stupid like "The Noogie Murderer." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) May you be so beautiful and famous that Michael Jackson marries you just to prove he isn't an antisocial virgin or pervert-pedophile. (Joseph Romm, Washington) May the parents of the Jackson 5 get to name your children. (Russ Beland, Tel Aviv and Queens, N.Y.) May your contact lens pop out into the urinal at the bus station. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) May you live long enough to see a movie starring the offspring of Michael and Lisa Marie. (Woody Franke, Canberra, Australia) May you become an insult comedian in Medellin, Colombia. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) May you be drafted by the Baltimore Orioles as their backup shortstop. (Greg vArnold, Herndon) And Last: May all your bat mitzvah gifts be the envy of the guy who shops for Style Invitational prizes. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: August in Washington ====================================================================== WEEK 79, published September 18, 1994 Week 79: TERROR-DACTYL Piggledy Jiggery Pokery Doc Jack Kevorkian Gave us a gizmo To make people croak. Abracadaver! Nothing remarkable! Marlboro did it With mere puffs of smoke. Higgledy Piggledy Benjamin Harrison, Twenty-third president Was, and, as such, Served between Clevelands And save for this trivial Idiosyncrasy Didn't do much. This week's contest is very very difficult. It was proposed by Paul Richard, the Washington Post's art critic. Paul gets a velvet Elvis. man Paul suggests that you come up with a double dactyl, which is an obscure type of poetry that is to the limerick what Leonardo da Vinci is to a dung beetle, in terms of life-form comparisons. We must admit this contest idea seems more appropriate to the weekly Competition in New York magazine, which fancies itself a literary adventure and regularly solicits frightfully amusing pastiches of 16th-century iambic verse, than to the Style Invitational, which traffics fairly exclusively in colo-rectal humor. However, we wish to prove our readers every bit as pretentious as New York readers. So. Send us a double dactyl. Here are the rules: The first line must be a nonsense phrase of five to seven syllables containing exactly two downbeats. HIG-gle-dy PIG-gle-dy is often used. The second line must be a name, in five to seven syllables but only two downbeats (GEORGE Steph-an-OP-ou-los; PEE-Wee the OR-gan-ist). The remaining six lines must contain four to seven syllables and two downbeats each, with Lines 4 and 8 rhyming. Are you getting this? Somewhere in the poem, one line must consist of only one word (EX-tem-por-AN-e-a). And the whole thing has to be on the subject of national health care reform. Hahaha. Just kidding. We wouldn't want to make it too hard. You can write about any subject. Listen, it's easier than it looks. Just read the above poems aloud (the first is ours, the second the work of double-dactyl pioneer John Hollander) and you will get it. First Prize Winner, should there be one through some miracle, gets a fairly spectacular working chrome 1950s art deco one-slice toaster, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 79, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Sept. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 76, in which we asked you to discuss the great advantages of Washington in August. Third Runner-Up: The mulberry slime is gone from the sidewalk, and the black walnut slime has not yet appeared. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: In August, lawmakers leave town, creating a "power vacuum" that D.C. residents may then use to do end-of-summer cleaning around the house. (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown.) First Runner-Up: It offers the chance to be memorialized in thousands of family scrapbooks around the world by popping up behind those unsuspecting two- and threesomes just as their pictures are taken. (Stu Segal, Vienna) And the winner of the Gerald Ford Calendar: August in Washington is GREAT! The skies are sunny, temperatures rarely get above 80 degrees, the mountains are majestic and snow-capped, the evenings are bracingly chilly with fabulous grunge nightlife. . . . (Sue Witner, Bellingham, Wash.) Honorable Mentions: Anyone likely to say "hot enough for ya?" has already been killed. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) One has a better chance of seeing Janet Reno in a bikini. (Chris Rooney, Reston) Washington in August is as good a place as any to stay away from Woodstock again in. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) We don't use as much ammunition driving on Interstate 395. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) At least this August we weren't the only major U.S. city without big-league baseball. (Mike Thring, Leesburg; Elsa Newman, Bethesda) Perp walks are conducted under "dress down day" rules. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) No matter how hot it gets, you can always cheer yourself up with the knowledge that there are actually people who pay money to take their vacations here. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The following persons will have a birthday and therefore be one year closer to death and/or mandatory retirement: Elvis Costello, Steve Guttenberg, Ron Brown, Connie Chung, Alfonse D'Amato, Geraldine Ferraro, Pee-wee Herman, Michael Jackson, Robin Leach, Madonna, Sean Penn, Jerry Falwell and Bill Clinton. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) You can take your Aunt Bessie and Uncle Ned to see the cherry trees without running into everyone else's Cousin Merle. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) In August, the world Gee Haw Whimmy Diddle competition takes place here. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) You can sit naked on your front porch with the Sunday Post on your lap and no one can tell the difference. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: I am a teacher. (Laura Ditrapani Clairmont, Centreville) Next week: The Rorschach of the Crowd. ====================================================================== WEEK 80, published September 25, 1994 Week 80: Nick Knacks Henry "The Impotent" of Castile Pope Clement VII, "The Butcher of Cesena" George "The Mad Bomber" Metesky Fred "Bonehead" Merkle Vyacheslav "Stone-Ass" Molotov Jimmy "The Weasel" Fratianno Margaret "The Gorgeous Hussy" Eaton William "Pussyfoot" Johnson Except possibly for Mafiosi, and they are a dying breed, no one has cool nicknames anymore. All of the above were taken from the Dictionary of Historic Nicknames. This Week's Contest: Come up with a great nickname for any contemporary celebrity. First-prize winner receives "The Cottage Physician," a fabulously misinformed antique medical text autographed by the Czar of the Style Invitational, who purchased it at an antiques store for $5 but hereby assigns it a value of $ 62,300. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 80, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to (202) 334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads, making a startling reappearance, requests onomatopoeia, made-up words that sound like the things they are describing. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 77, in which you were asked to interpret Rorschach blots. Many of the better entries utilized more than one of the blots. One of our favorites was by Noah Schenendorf of Gaithersburg, who said all six blots, taken together, represented "works of modern art by Desmond Howard, for which Redskins GM Charlie Casserly paid millions." Third Runner-Up: (Blot 3) This ultrasound view of the female abdomen shows that storks really are involved in human reproduction. (Steve Dunham, Fredericksburg) Second Runner-Up: (Blot 1) What xxxx intends to name his first son. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: (Blot 6) It was not until deeper excavations on Easter Island that the colostomy bags were discovered. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the Winner of the Two Frogs Playing Pool: Halloween in Georgetown (Dennis Goris, Alexandria) Blot No. 1 A chandelier made from the spines and vertebrae of politicians. (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) Major league baseball owners have resorted to genetic engineering to produce replacement players. Initial attempts have been unsuccessful. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) The common wishbone, redesigned to meet federal safety standards. (John J. Kammer, Herndon) Blot No. 2 Marilyn Quayle comes face to face with the Devil. (D.J. Dohahey, Reston) The controversial Shroud of Mary Tyler Moore. (Gloria Federico, Springfield) Blot No. 3 The Cowardly Lion after cosmetic surgery. His doctor misunderstood when told the lion wanted little tucks around his eyes. (Ann M. Burton, N. Bethesda) Dan Quayle's Zero Population Growth Plan involves Air Force fighters destroying stork habitats. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) The June Taylor Dancers performing "Swan Lake." (Larry Gordon, Potomac) Blot No. 4 What Madonna wears to church. (Susan Davis, Beltsville) A reflected image of a decapitated buffalo, next year's Bills logo if they lose the Super Bowl again. (T.L. McBride, Upper Marlboro) Blot No. 5(Upside down) Opus, bound and gagged. (Stu Segal, Vienna) (Upside down) A rear view of refrigerator repair men building a human pyramid. (Marta Graffy Sparrow, Springfield) Mickey Mouse checking Stan Laurel for head lice. (Doug Burns, Falls Church) The ill-conceived Mighty Morphin Power Penguin. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Blot No. 6 The jacket cover for the new book "Women of the Supreme Court." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Manic-depressive thought balloons. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) There were constant arguments between the twins as to who would get to wear both earrings that night. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) (Upside down) A new form of birth control: ankle weights for sperm. (Bill Epstein, Bethesda) And Last: Mr. Style Comes a-Courtin' (Kathleen Pendracky, Avella, Pa.) Next Week: Smart Morons ====================================================================== WEEK 81, published October 2, 1994 Week 81: Heads You Lose This Week's Contest: Take any two or more headlines anywhere in today's Washington Post, and combine them to make a funnier headline. You can do all sorts of cutting and pasting: You may discard words and redistribute words, but you may not cut up words. (The smallest movable unit is the word, not the letter.) We would prefer that you do actual cutting and pasting, but will not disqualify written or typed entries. In either case, please indicate on which pages the constituent headlines appeared. First-prize winner receives the fantastic magicians' Knife-Through-the-Arm Trick, with a coupon for free blood-spatter capsules, a value of $85. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Losers T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. Mail them to the Style Invitational, Week 81, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads again requests examples of onomatopoeia, words that sound like what they define. Mail to Style Invitational, Onomatopoeia Contest, etc. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 78, in which we asked you to come up with Oxymorons, expressions composed of contradictory or incompatible elements. But first, the winners of the "Whatever Happened to Week 64?" contest, in which you were asked to explain the mysterious jump from Week 63 to Week 65. The winner of the clock featuring an American Indian who looks about as much like an American Indian as Lawrence Welk did is Joyce Rains of Bethesda, for multiple good entries, including "It got stuck to the back of Week 63" and "It was disowned from the Week 60 Family because it married Week 7, its 'common' denominator." A special mention to Larry Covey of Columbia, who pointed out that Lawrence Welk was actually an American Indian named Lawrence Walking Elk. "At the reservation the young bubblemeister-to-be learned to write his name as Lawrence W. Elk. An army recruiter later got confused. . . ." And lastly, a special mention to Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who has been bombarding us with picture postcards fashioning a bizarre and frankly insane explanation for the whereabouts of Week 64, involving a pet alligator named Leland, rampant substance abuse and an orgy at a place called Bob's Goat World. Sarah is a humongous genius who should be courted by royalty and pampered for the remainder of her life. Will you stop now, Sarah? Back to the Oxymorons: Many, many good ideas were too widely entered to reward with prizes: Civil War, Rap Music, Clinton Policy, Madonna, Clinton Plan, Rush Hour, Clinton Agenda, Postal Worker, The Honorable (Marion Barry, Oliver North, Dan Rostenkowski etc.), Priority Mail, Civil Servant, Baseball Players and, of course, Style Invitational Winner. Fifth Runner-Up: U.N. Resolution (Steven King, Alexandria) Fourth Runner-Up: Soccer Score (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Third Runner-Up: The Jackson Family Honors (Anne Wolfson, New York) Second Runner-Up: Tobacco Futures (Timothy Morgan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: True North (David Kuebrich, Fairfax; also, Chuck Nelson, Alexandria) And the winner of the spectacular Cadillac hubcaps: Reagan Memoirs (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; also, L. Woodall, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Low-Speed Chase (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego) Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Final Notice (John Wallington, Silver Spring) Monosyllabic (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Haft Family (Dick Holt, Arlington; also, J. Lakshmanan, Lanham) Butt-head (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) The Untold Story of O.J. Simpson (Thomas Coffey, Chantilly) A Mild-Mannered Reporter (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The Nature Co. (Steve Bunyak, Arlington) Industrial Park (David Shorr, Arlington) Hare Krishnas (Chris Rooney, Reston) Mars Observer (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Sleeping Like a Baby (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Briefings (Shelley Crossland, Centreville) Mrs. Jack Kent Cooke (Joe Willmore, Alexandria) Yom Kippur (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And Last: Spectacular ... Hubcap (Cole Arendt, Washington) Next Week: Pterror Dactyls ====================================================================== WEEK 82, published October 9, 1994 Week 82: Picture This This week's contest marks the first triumphant return of former Style Invitational Cartoonist Marc Rosenthal, the gifted illustrator whose offbeat stylings graced these pages until we kicked his butt out the door when we got tired of him. Tell us: Who are these people, and what are they doing? First-prize winner receives a talking Pee-wee Herman doll, which sold new in 1990 for $25 but for some reason shortly thereafter became a hard-to-find collector's item. We purchased it at an antique store, a little soiled and frayed at the collar, for $ 75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 82, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads makes a last call for onomatopoeia, made-up words that sound like the sounds they are describing. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 79, in which we asked you to write double dactyls, a devilishly complicated and erudite poetic form we figured you could not possibly master, inasmuch as you are, as we have pointed out before, a battalion of doofs. Well, we apologize. You turned out to be a battalion of doofs with a frankly astounding facility for literary arcana. Special mention to Inger M. Pettygrove of Arlington, who violated our rule that the rhyme had to be about someone famous but nonetheless produced this gem: "Hippety hoppity/ Inger M. Pettygrove/ Wanted three kids--'I don't/ Care what the sex is.'/ Lives in a house now so / Hypertesticular/ Said to her spouse, 'don't you / Have any X's?' " Likewise, special mention to Jim Hedlund of Springfield, who should send us a steamer trunk full of cash for publishing this: "Higgledy piggledy/ Betta M. Eskeli/ Constant musician/ Occasional wife;/ Gardener, mother, and/ Bibliomaniac/ Teacher, gourmet, and/ Love of my life." Fourth Runner-Up: Higgledy piggledy Jacqueline Kennedy Wed Ari the Toad as Prince of her dreams. Mythopoetically Hoping for fairy tales, But sometimes a toad can be Just what it seems.(Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Third Runner-Up: Jiggery Pokery President Kennedy, Murdered In Dallas by Oswald alone? Incontrovertible Evidence implicates Elvis and O.J., says Oliver Stone (Chris Doyle, Burke) Second Runner-Up: Higgledy Piggledy Style Invitational Yahdahdah Yahdahdah ThisIsOneWord. Yahdahdah Yahdahdah Yahdahdah Yahdahdah, I know this ain't winning But can't it be third? (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: Bibbity Bobbitty Marion Barry and John the aforementioned Both came to grief. Emasculation Real or political Isn't irreparable, To their relief. (Dorothy Gaillard, Woodbine, Md.) And the winner of the fabulous one-slice toaster: Chippety Choppety Jean-Bertrand Aristide Turned rather brutish but Withstood the shock Of returning to Haiti so Tontonmacoutish That now they are calling him Reverend Doc. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Jiggery-pokery Contraman Oliver Asked for a permit to Armpit a gun. The judge said, "I'm sorry, it's Jurisprudentially Very much tougher to Smuggle just one." (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Higgledy Piggledy Marion What's-His-Name Now back to serve us, this Altruist bold. Promising new days, he Unegotistically Seeks highest office With Vistas untold. (M. Gallagher, Oxon Hill) Higgledy Piggledy Lyndon and Ladybird Lunched with Westmoreland, and Got quite upset. Asked if their troubles were Gastrointestinal, Johnson replied, "It was something Viet." (Carol Uri, Alexandria) Diggety Doggety Ollie the Senator (Would-be, that is) doesn't Merit the prize Due to his penchant for Swearing to numerous Unsenatorial Little white lies. (Janis Marie Gibbs, xxx) Wonkity Bonkity Hillary Clinton Wrote health legislation To save our old bones. Uncompromisingly, Reps balked at covering All U.S. citizens But Paula Jones. (David Gionfriddo, Washington) Higgledy piggledy Gilbert & Sullivan Musical satirists, Hardly sublime. Unhesitatingly Would have approved of their Names being used in this Ludicrous rhyme. (Robin Pemantle, Madison, Wis.) Higgledy piggledy Musicotherapy, New-age psychiatry For the effete; Best known for being a Hexasyllabical Word in which none of the Letters repeat. (Robin Pemantle, Madison, Wis.) Higgledy Piggledy President Aristide, What do you look like, O myth in the mist? Geopolitically, What do you stand for? Is there something we're hiding? Do you exist? (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Higgledy piggledy Eleanor Roosevelt's Voice on the radio Shattered the night. People found Eleanor's Bark even worse than Orthodontarily Speaking, her bite. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va.) Hackery Quackery Robert the Dolorous Plenipotentiary Thinks he is God. Glorifies handguns and Ridicules basketball Pampers the powerful I think he's odd. (Edith L. Marsden, Washington) Deja-vu-istically, President Cleveland Served us in two terms Divided in date, Bracketed Benjy Historiographically, Fathered a bastard, Died one-nine-oh-eight. (Myra Purdom, Springfield) Piggery Pokery, King Michael Jackson Married the Princess Lisa Marie. Who is the husband? Who is the wifey? Gives a new meaning to Androgyny. (Trudy Wayne Howland, Alexandria) Higgledy Piggledy J. Martin Tupperman, Little-known scientist, Not quite renowned. Proved his First Theorem of Defenestration, But landed before he could Jot it all down. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hippety Hoppety, Linda Byrd Johnson Robb Roots for her Chuck as his Campaign goes forth. Hoping that galloping Anti-incumbency Won't cause Virginians to Choose to go North. (Bob Lieblich, Arlington) Higgledy Piggledy William J. Clinton Bespoke his affection for Burgers and fries. Why does he patronize Greaselumpatoriums? Makes him just one (and a half) of the guys. (Joe Hoffman, Falls Church) And Practically Last: Nickety Pickety J. Martin, Miss Manners, Fights hard for etiquette Fears its demise Incontrovertible! Yet she is losing! This boorish feature is Twice her own's size. (Steve Wartik, Rockville) And Last: Hippety Hoppity Pee-wee the organist Was better than Bobbitt At holding his own Which we mention because the Style Invitational's Phallocentricity's Very well known. (Barbara Holland, Bluemont, Va. Next Week: Nick Knacks. ====================================================================== WEEK 83, published October 16, 1994 Week 83: Bedroom Farce 1. Why, in your opinion, do some women think it is sexy to shave off their eyebrows and paint on new ones, higher up? 2. Have you ever had sex in an airplane? Have you ever had sex on a luggage carousel? 3. Which of these words do you find most offensive? a) seersucker; b) organism; c) but. For men: Betty, or Wilma? For Women: Maynard G. Krebs or Lumpy Rutherford? 4. Have you ever ordered a pair of edible underwear at the drive-through window of a McDonald's? This Week's Contest: We have just finished reading the Great New American Sex Survey, which reports all sorts of questionable results, such as that Americans do not cheat on their spouses a lot, that Baptists are wild animals in the sack, and that Americans don't like oral sex all that much (a result we find in, er, poor taste). We are thinking that even if true, these results are unspeakably dull, because the researchers asked all the wrong questions. What we want to know is: What questions were left out? What do you want to know about intimate relations between the genders that this survey has not told us? Please, folks, exercise restraint and maturity. Remember that the editors of this reprehensible feature must answer to individuals in business suits who, in terms of personal rectitude, make the Queen of England seem like Heidi Fleiss. First-prize winner gets a foot-tall full-color plaster statuette of Lou Costello, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 83, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Oct. 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 80, in which we asked you to come up with nicknames for famous people. An odd statistic: We received 1,250 entries, about 400 of which involved Bill Clinton or the Bobbitts. Emasculation appears to be the "in" topic. A special thank you to librarian Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who apparently did some research and sent us her all-time favorite nickname, California Angels catcher Doug "Eyechart" Gwosdz. Jessica, you are spending waaay too much time in the stacks. Fifth Runner-Up: "Curtains" Kevorkian (Mary Whittington, Washington) Fifth Fourth Runner-Up: Bill "Have You Noticed I Never Talk When Hillary Is Drinking a Glass of Water" Clinton (Thomas Edward Knibb, Walkersville) Third Runner-Up: Boutros Boutros "Boutros" Ghali (Philip Delduke, Bethesda; also, Deena MacDonald Andrus, Hughesville) Second Runner-Up: X, the "X X X X" (Paul "Wonderboy" Styrene, Olney; also, David Sullivan, Washington; and Michael Garawski and Michelle Lefferts, Arlington) First Runner-Up: Ollie North, "The Lyin' King" (Jim Town, California, Md.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And The Winner of "The Cottage Physician," a hilariously misinformed 1902 home medical book: John "Magic Johnson" Bobbitt (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Bill "Buckner" Clinton (Eric Robert Jablow, Reston) John " " Bobbitt (Buster Baker, Silver Spring) Henry "The Philanthropist" Cisneros (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) Lorena "The Mohel" Bobbitt (Steve Cohen, Fairfax; also, Robert Oshinsky, N. Bethesda; Bill Epstein, Bethesda) Tony "Sentence. Fragment." Kornheiser (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Andy "Don't You Just Hate Nicknames? I Know I Do" Rooney (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Barry "The Commander of Pander" Diller (Rose Stack, Arlington) Lorena "The Impaler" Bobbitt (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) v Marion "The Inhaler" Barry (Delores A. Shaffer, Alexandria) Tony "Why on Earth Should I Use Just One Word When There Are Many, Many Other Assorted Words That I Can Use Very Extremely Appropriately, If Somewhat Redundantly and Repetitively, for Both Emphasis and Even Also for Emphasis in This Particular Journalistic Situation, to Fill Space" Kornheiser (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station) "Oily" North (Fred Darfler, Elkton) Bill "Flip" Clinton (Keith Willauer, Blacksburg) Dave "CAPS LOCK" Barry (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Yo-Yo "Yo Ma-Ma" Ma (Mary Whittington, Washington) Chuck "Throb" Robb (Blair Ewing, Clarksville) "Interim" President Clinton (Rob Carter, Bethesda) Mack "The Knifed" McLarty (Austin Doyle, Silver Spring) Rose "By Any Other Name" Anne (Joseph Romm, Washington) Janet "Buckstopper" Reno (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) Monica "Old Yeller" Seles (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Lorena "The Tungsten Sickle" Bobbitt (J. Kammer, Herndon) John "The Prince of Wince" Bobbitt (Greg Wilinski, Springfield) "Blink" Cedras (Stu Siegal, Vienna) Bill "I Can't Make Up My Mind What My Nickname Is" Clinton. (Cara Liebenson, Potomac) John "Slack Willy" Bobbitt (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cecil "Pops" Jacobson (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Richard "Millstone" Nixon (Joseph Romm, Washington) Zsa Zsa "The Sultan of Slap" Gabor (Joseph Romm, Washington) Boutros "Duplicate Words Found. Delete Second?" Boutros-Ghali (David Mathiason, Washington) And Last: Jimmy "Week 64" Hoffa (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) and, April "Can't Take It Anymore" Carnahan (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Heads, You Lose ====================================================================== WEEK 84, published October 23, 1994 Week 84: The Washington Irvings The Suffern (N.Y.) Succotashes The Manlius (N.Y.) Guys-in-Town The Simpson (S.C.) Media Frenzies The Moody (Ala.) Bastards The Maalaea (Ha.) Vowels The Kenedy (Tx.) Misspellers This Week's Contest was suggested by Michael Faden of Bethesda, who wins some owl puke. This is not just any old owl puke. This one is guaranteed to contain mouse or insect bones, and be suitable for dissection. A big gob of the stuff arrived in our office as part of a press kit from the Children's Museum of Washington. You would have won this fine prize too if you had been as smart as Michael, who proposed that you come up with creative names for the high school football teams of real towns in America. You will probably need an atlas for this one. First-prize winner gets a really fancy harmonica with a wah-wah button, a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 84, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Halloween. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Results of Week 81, in which you were asked to cut up any headlines from that Sunday's Post, and rearrange the words into more interesting headlines. Fifth Runner-Up: North Stuffed Robb in Toilet: Campaign Going Down the Drain (Elaine Lederman, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: O.J. Hopes to Catch Plague (Karen Rogers, Fairfax) Third Runner-Up: It's Cheaper to Let Armed Men Rob People as Alternative to Costly Rides in D.C. Taxicabs (Ted Huntington, Upper Marlboro) Second Runner-Up: Barry Urges Speed as Alternative to Blow (Daniel G. Rosen, Bowie) First Runner-Up: O.J. Freed, Police Search for 3-Armed Man (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) And the Winner of the Magician's Knife-Thru-Arm Illusion with free blood spatter: God Upset at Washington Liar Parade -- Reprimands Stun Clinton, Reagan, Bush, Robb, North and Marion Barry (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: What's for Dinner? Turtle Heads Aren't Always Best Bet (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Barbara Bush Bears Alien Baby (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Clinton Dreams of Dirty Fantasies With 11-Year-Old Swedes (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Clinton Urges Robb to Stray With Him (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Carter Discusses Five of His Finest Fantasies About Clinton's Behind (Elaine Lederman, Herndon) Baby Turns Into Million-Ton Beast and Eats Everything in Baltimore (Darren C. Mitchell, Washington) Clinton Sleeps With Just About Anything Which Turns His Way (George W. McGregor, Annandale) Clinton and His Old Lady Unhappy All the Time (George W. McGregor, Annandale) Clinton Leaves Toilet Seat Up (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Nunn Beats Panetta for Swearing in Church (Malcolm Harden, Falls Church) Mary Chapin Carpenter Captures GOP Fantasies, Baring All in Senate (Malcolm Harden, Falls Church) Japan Purchases U.S. for a Buck (Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) Plague Turns Sweden Into Mexico (J. Kammer, Herndon) Robb Accuses North Accuses Clinton Accuses Carter Accuses ... Trust Is Not a Part of the Washington Power Game (Bev Wiedeman, Manassas) Reagan, on Drugs, Bit Lady (Jo Robbins, Bethesda) Armed Post Office Employees React to Negative Stereotypes (Jonathan G. Price, Chevy Chase) Clinton Eats, Turns Into a 3 1/2-Ton Publicity Problem (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Oliver North Agrees: 'Liar' Hits Close to Home (Carol Dent, Fairfax) Next Week: Picture This ====================================================================== WEEK 85, published October 30, 1994 Week 85: Play Mythty for Me 1. The guy who plays Kramer on "Seinfeld" has a baboon heart. The transplant was done several years ago but hushed up because of fear of arousing animal-rights activists. 2. One day about six years ago, before he was really popular, someone slipped Rush Limbaugh some LSD and he went on the air raving about how Hitler was still alive and Mexicans were descendants of Satan. Technicians quickly cut him off, but a tape is out there, somewhere. 3. A woman who had saline breast implants was getting this tickling sensation. She insisted on having the implants removed. In one of them, there was a live shrimp. 4. The reason we haven't put anyone on the moon in so long is that scientists have determined the astronauts brought back AIDS. 5. "Chuck Smith of Woodbridge" is a pseudonym for a famous, powerful politician in Washington who cannot politically risk being revealed as a devotee of toilet humor. He is a very famous and powerful politician, if you get our drift. This week's contest was suggested by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wins a Fighting Nun hand puppet. Sarah suggests coming up with new urban myths, those vaguely believable, wildly paranoid stories that circulate by word of mouth until they are generally accepted as true. (Think: Alligators in the New York City sewers. Reggie Jackson and his dog in the elevator. The kid who played Mikey choking to death on fizzing candy.) The first-prize winner receives a pair of fabulous metal toys made in China, "Duck on Bike" and "Elephant on Bike," each featuring "Wind-Up Funny Action." These sell for $35 apiece. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 85, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 82, in which we asked you to describe what is going on in these pictures. Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon B) -- "Handless Messiah" (Roy Highberg, Bentonville) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) -- The Harriman Trust also invested heavily in the performing arts. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) -- Although it was an exclusive, Geraldo wondered whether it was worth $30,000 to interview O.J.'s rectal polyp. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) -- Incompetent pollsters attempt to interview a random sapling. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) And the winner of the Pee-wee Herman doll:(Cartoon E) -- The night had turned cold, and Hillary was worried, so the U.S. Park Police tried to lure the president back into the house. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon A The spell wore off, and the Frog Prince regained his original form in the barest nick of time. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) 9 p.m., 2, 4, 8 SEINFELD (CC) George (Jason Alexander) bets a new waitress at the diner that she can't carry him on a platter. Nothing else happens. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Okay, who ordered the burgher? (Kent Rogers, Annandale) Like other condemned prisoners, Jeff Dahmer got to request a last meal. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg; also, Paul Styrene, Olney) Tailhook '95 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon B Leperace, the composer of "Chopsticks." (Mark Robers, Springfield) It took a few times, but Dudley soon learned not to skim the tips at Hussein's piano bar. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Boy! This is harder than working on a tuna boat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Roger Clinton dreams he can play the piano as well as he can sing. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Beethoven's "Prosthetique" Sonata. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling) Cartoon C -- Joe misunderstood when his priest suggested he let the Madonna into his life. (Debbie Pieper, Arlington) The world was not yet ready for a transvestite version of "The Honeymooners." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Art Buchwald guaranteeing himself a seat and plenty of personal space on the Metro at rush hour. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) The first edition of the "Victor's Secret" catalogue did not do as well as expected. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) One of the least popular of the American Gladiators. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Cartoon D The fly that is the friend of the flea that hangs around the dog that lived next door to O.J. Simpson's dog is hounded by CNN reporters. (Rose Stack, Arlington) Geraldo gets ethics tips from an insect. (Mark P. Hurst, Germantown) Desperate for filler material because of the baseball strike, ESPN's Keith Olberman interviews a future baseball bat. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) In these politically correct times, some reporters still seek out the opinions of a WASP. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Warren Christopher vehemently denies press reports that his role as secretary of state is diminishing. (James Anderson, Woodbridge) Cartoon E Officer O'Reilly wins an office bet that he can cut back to one doughnut per day. (James Christopher, Springfield) After the Statue of Liberty sank, it was replaced with a tribute to New York's Finest. (Donna Bell, Arlington) Next Week: The Sex Survey ====================================================================== WEEK 86, published November 6, 1994 Week 86: Excuses, Excuses Donald Beale of Arlington won Week 9. His promised prize was a set of books on committing murder and mayhem. We just mailed it out last week. Here are our excuses for stiffing him for so long: 1. We sent it to Donald Graham by mistake, and he won't give it back, and we can't very well demand it from him. 2. The mailman stole it for personal use. 3. Don's address got stuck to the back of a manuscript predicting the return of Marion Barry. The essay was so preposterous, we pitched it. This Week's Contest was inspired by the fact that we have been a teensy bit tardy in dispatching some of our prizes. (At one point we considered amending the fine print to "allow 75 weeks for delivery.") Anyway, your challenge this week is to come up with funny excuses for various malfeasances. State the offense (for example, missing someone's birthday) and an excuse (for example, "I had been reliably assured that you were dead"). First-prize winner gets a life-size seated female mannequin from a clothing store, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 86, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 83, in which we asked you to come up with questions that should have been asked on the Great American Sex Survey. A couple of readers took us to task for insensitively presuming heterosexuality in the examples we gave. Guilty as charged. So for gay readers, in the entries below please substitute "same" for "opposite," "men" for "women," "women" for "men," and "partner" for "wife" or "husband." Hermaphrodite readers, please substitute for any gender reference the phrase "men, women or yourself." We hope this clears things up. Third Runner-Up: For women: Whom would you rather have sex with? 1. Al Gore. 2. Bill Clinton, again. (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village) Second Runner-Up: For men: Which would you prefer as a condition of living the rest of your life? 1. Always wearing a condom during sex. 2. Receiving all of your meals intravenously. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Which president had the naughtiest name? 1. Johnson. 2. Pierce. 3. Polk. 4. Bush. (Joe Sisk, Arlington) And the winner of the Lou Costello statuette: All things being equal, would you rather have sex with: 1. a "10." 2. two "5s." 3. five "2s."(Robb Mathews, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: For men: Whom would you rather spend the night with? 1. Sharon Stone and her ice pick. 2. Lorena Bobbitt and her fillet knife. 3. Roseanne. (Bonnie Speary and Walt Devore IV, Rockville) For men: If your wife is making soft-boiled eggs and can't find the timer, does she ask if you want to have sex? (Larry Covey, Columbia) Do you believe your dog may have a more active sex life than you? (Bob Damien, Baltimore) I would describe a healthy sexual relationship as one between myself and: 1. a mature member of the opposite sex. 2. a mature member of the primate family. 3. a pulse-bearing inhabitant of the planet Earth. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) A recent study suggests that men think about sex every 9 minutes, women every 14. Does this mean that, once every 2 hours 6 minutes, we are all thinking about it at the same time? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) For women: Would you rather pay the federal deficit out of your salary as a cocktail waitress, or go on a date with Bob Packwood? 1. Pay off the federal deficit. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) For men: How would you describe your incidence of self-abuse when you were a teenager: 1. Frequent. 2. Compulsive. 3. Chronic. 4. Obsessive. (Bob Damien, Baltimore) Where do you go to "score" with the opposite sex? 1. Bars. 2. The library. 3. The laundromat. 4. The White House. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Do you face backward or forward while having sex on Metro trains? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Do you still, at the age of 42, have to resist the impulse to put down some smartass answer when a form asks "Sex?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) My mate and I have sex: 1. Daily. 2. Weekly. 3. Monthly. 4. If he/she died, I could not identify the body. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) When you and your paramour visit your illicit love nest, does the manager of the bowling alley on the ground floor keep pounding on the ceiling and hollering at you to keep it down? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) For Men: On your wife, a garter belt and fishnet stockings look: 1. unbelievably sexy. 2) Like a cargo-restraining device. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Men: The Wonderbra is: 1. A subtle enhancement of nature. 2. A charming, seductive deceit. 3. A fraud that should be investigated by the Consumer Products Safety Commission. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How come women's jeans used to have the zipper on the side, but now they're on the front? Are women, ah, changing in some way they have not told us? (Joe Sisk, Arlington) For married men: Have you ever thought your wife is too tired for sex because she takes care of three kids, works part time, keeps the house clean and all I want is some rest? She. All she wants is some rest? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Agree or disagree: Men, when finished, should put the seat down if women, when finished, would put it up. (Joe Sisk, Arlington) Have you ever wondered if anyone thinks Whoopi Goldberg is sexy? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Why do women need their own brand of laxative? (Joe Sisk, Arlington) Men: Have you ever had to enter a fat farm because of edible panties? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If you were a bar of soap, what celebrity would you want to buy you? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Is this the first week in a long time you haven't encouraged your teenager to help you think up entries? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And Last: Have you ever had sex with someone because you won the Style Invitational? Could I have their phone number? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: The Washington, D.C., Fightin' Style Invitationals. ====================================================================== WEEK 87, published November 13, 1994 Week 87: West Easy, Ann This week's contest was suggested by Ann Joliffe of Kingwood, W.Va., who wins a three-pronged frog gaff. Ann wrote us an earnest letter complaining that Washingtonians are not nice to her home state. She cites many examples of perceived insensitivity, cruel characterizations implying West Virginia is home to illiterate toothless thieving bumpkins who intermarry at 15, swill moonshine and dine furtively on roadkill, and she wonders why we big-city slickers cannot just once "shine a positive light" on her "misjudged state." Well, Ann, we're gonna fix you right up. The challenge this week is to ckome up with good things about West Virginia, in 50 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a high-quality rubber Halloween mask featuring the likeness of a toothless West Virginian plus some snot candy, a total value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 87, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 84, in which we asked you to come up with fictional names for high-school sports teams of real American cities. This was the biggest response to date: 26,000 entries from 1,950 people, including an all-time one-person record of 516 entries by Milt Eisner of McLean, who wins a life. Many worthy duplicates this week, including the Reston (Va.) Laurels, the Hardy (Miss.) Har Hars, the Lansing (Mich.) Boils, the Sioux City (Iowa) Lawyers, the Village (Okla.) Idiots, the Helena (Mont.) Handbaskets, the Horseheads (N.Y.) Godfathers, the Wana (W.Va.) Bees, the Two Buttes (Mont.) Partons and the Bras D'Or (Nova Scotia) Knobs. Also we note the many unprintable entries involving Coxsackie, N.Y.; Fouke, Ariz.; and Jackson Hole, Wyo. And lastly, we wish to take this opportunity to publicly chastise Mr. Cole Arendt of Washington, who submitted an entry so profoundly revolting it is not only unpublishable but cannot be uttered in the presence of houseplants, which would wilt and die. Cole, you dirty dog. You win a T-shirt. Ninth Runner-Up: The Broad Run Farms (Va.) Agribusinesswomen (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Eighth Ninth Runner-Up: The Juneau (Alaska) Diddly Squats (Mike Geary, Germantown) Seventh Runner-Up: The Walhalla (S.C.) Toothless Vikings (Cole Arendt, Washington) Sixth Runner-Up: The Limerick (Pa.) Men From Nantucket (Bob Schlosser, Herndon) Fifth Runner-Up: The New York (N.Y.) &%$ ing &%$ #@s (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: The Square Butte (Mont.) Office Workers (Genesee Adkins, Frederick) Third Runner-Up: The Ypsilanti (Mich.) Qwertyuiops (Kenneth April, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: The Lackawanna (Pa.) Underachievers (Stephen Serban, Arlington) First Runner-Up: The Eutaw (Ala.) Puddytats (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the Winner of the Really Fancy Harmonica With a Wah-Wah Button: The Assinippi (Mass.) Guard Dogs (Karla J. Dickinson, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: The Bond (Miss.) James Bond (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Dripping Springs (Tenn.) Bedwetters (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Kaaawa (Hawaii) A's (Russ Beland, Springfield) The Jamaica (N.Y.) Mess (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The Clinton (Md.) Bashers (Don Beale, Arlington) The Echo (Ala.) Echo (Bill Franklin, Clinton) The Virginville (Pa.) Liars (Emily Schilling, Lancaster, Pa.) The Arnot (Pa.) Amtoos (Bob Ferry, Montvale, N.J.) The Lyon (Miss.) SOBs (Walt Kopp, Annandale) The Athol (Mass.) Zen Elbows (Harry F. Cole, Vienna) The Hinkley (Calif.) Bruntleys (Bob Lieblich, Arlington) The Frederick (Md.) Flintstone Esquires (Mike Geary, Germantown) The Economy (Pa.) Stupids (Chris Cleary, Charlottesville; Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) The Arkadelphia (Ark.) Pennsykansans (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) The Athol (Mass.) Fugard Because We Decided to Be High-Minded About Its (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) The Kaka (Ariz.) Doodies (Charles Layman, Silver Spring) The Clinton (S.C.) Exprez (Mac Lloyd, Churchville) The Froid (Mont.) Strippers, I Mean Slippers (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Milwaukie (Ore.) Brooers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The Effingham (Kan.) Damned Sandwiches (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) The Collyer (Kan.) Mothers (Mike Thring, Leesburg) The McDonald's Chapel (Ala.) Praying Hamburgers (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) The Buckingham (Va.) Rodeo Pigs (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) The Lakehurst (N.J.) Huge Exploding Balloons (Walter Cronin, Bethesda) The Y City (Ariz.) Existentialists (Kate Renmer, Rockville) The Severn (Md.) Elevern (Dave Jenkins and Suzanne Gesin, Arlington; George Montgomery, Bethesda) The Boom Furnace (Va.) Incompetent Heating Contractors (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) The Show Low (Ariz.) Decolletages (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) The Three Forks of Williams River (W.Va.) Eleven Man Squad With Pigskin Zeppelin (James A. and Tanis R. Moher, Manassas) The El Paso (Tex.) El Catchos (Robin D. Grove, Washington) The Schwenksville (Pa.) Studs (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The Kissimee (Fla.) Good Knights (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) The Flippin-Hamburg (Ark.) Consolidated High School English Majors (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Akaka Falls (Hawaii) Hat-Wearers (Nick Dierman, Potomac) The Rushsylvania (Ohio) Vampire Dittoheads (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Blue Ball (Pa.) Third Basemen (Lisa Clark, Alexandria) The St. Augustine (Fla.) Epistemologists (John Cushing, Guatemala City) The Inyo (Calif.) Facemuthas (Mark Updike, Crownsville, Md.) The Russiaville (Ind.) All-Tsars (Milt Eisner, McLean) The Bayonet Point (Fla.) Sucking Chest Wounds (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: The Soso (Miss.) Contest (Miller & Chevalier, Washington) Next Week: Mything In Action ====================================================================== WEEK 88, published November 20, 1994 Week 88: Give Us Some Good Newts. This Week's Contest: Come up with ways Washington is going to be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. First-prize winner gets a fabulous, never-opened 1983 Groucho Marx doll by Efanbee, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 88, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 85, in which we asked you to come up with new urban myths. A brief thank you to Kym Helbig, a graduate student in Bowling Green, Ky., who cheerfully informs us that this entire contest was based on a misconception and is therefore invalid. Technically, Kym says, these are not urban myths at all, but urban legends, myths being more like folklore. Right you are, Kym. Kym wins a burning bag of poop on her doorstep. Fourth Runner-Up: The rifle that was found at the Texas School Book Depository was the same one that killed Old Yeller. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Early in this century, workers at meatpacking plants regularly fell into rendering vats and became a frequent ingredient of premium sausage. With OSHA safeguards now in place, it doesn't happen anymore, but the public has grown so demanding of the taste that company officials need to kidnap vagrants and hitchhikers and insert them manually. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: The smoke detector industry is covering up research that shows more people are killed every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are killed in house fires. (Brian Easter, Centreville) First Runner-Up: There really is a government office where a million monkeys sit banging away at typewriters. It has been going on for 65 years, and already the output has resulted in one Pulitzer Prize-winning novel and a hit screenplay. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And the winner of the life-size female clothing-store mannequin: The bloody glove has six fingers. (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Honorable Mentions: The Avon Corp. pays a secret $1 million annual advertising fee to Metro for using the "ding-dong" sound every time a subway train is about to depart. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The reason expensive delicacies usually "taste like chicken" is that they really are chicken. Frog legs, rattlesnake, sweetbreads etc. are actually totally inedible, and fancy restaurants have been fleecing us for decades. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Last Halloweeen, some kid was out trick-or-treating in a ghoul costume with great fake latex wounds when he was hit by a car. Doctors spent so much time trying to sew up the phony wounds that the kid died on the operating table. (Thomas A. Logan, Alexandria) While many conspiracy theorists have seen the so-called "Zapruder film" of the Kennedy assassination, Dallas city officials hastily destroyed the only known print of the "Zuckerman film," a Super 8 movie that clearly shows President Kennedy being struck by a rock flung from the blades of a Dallas Public Works Department lawn mower trimming the grassy knoll. (David Geonfriddo, Washington) Cool "Disco" Dan is really Dan Quayle. (Wendell Wagner, Greenbelt) Coca-Cola has been gradually altering its formula. The Classic Coke we are now drinking is identical to the New Coke we rejected several years ago. We're just accustomed to it now. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) The Wonderbra provides so much supportthat it causes breasts to atrophy, like a leg in a cast, within months. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Johns Hopkins University is willing to pay $25,000 to anyone willing to grow a goiter. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Tom Hanks did "Forrest Gump" because he suffered brain damage in an auto accident and he was really speaking and acting that way. (Mary Whittington, Washington) The comics "Blondie" and "The Family Circus" were secretly taken over by the Japanese years ago. The cartoons are actually still very funny, but lose something when translated into English. (Russ Beland, Springfield) A renegade assistant sculptor working on Mount Rushmore carved out a giant booger in Teddy Roosevelt's nostril. It's still there. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) And Last: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley are very much in love. (Daniel Riley, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 89, published November 27, 1994 Week 89: Child's Play Mr. Tomato Head--A variation on the classic. Don't push in the nose too hard, or he'll ooze. Tiddlywonks--The pieces are imprinted with the likenesses of famous agronomists and mechanical engineers. What's That Smell?--A game of skill, action and revolting aromas. Today's contest was proposed by Mr. Bob Staake of St. Louis, who wins his choice of an Amana Frost-proofv freezer or continued employment by The Washington Post. Bob suggests we come up with bad ideas for new toys for the Christmas season. First-prize winner receives a fantastic lurching raccoon-in-the-potato-chips-bag animated toy capable of revolting crowds large and small, a value of $25, donated to the Style Invitational kitty by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who is, need we remind you, an international trafficker in condoms. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 89, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 86, in which you were asked to come up with infractions of behavior, and creative excuses to explain them away. Third Runner-Up -- Infraction: Attacking Roseanne with a machete. Excuse: "My AK-47 was in the shop." (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Second Runner-Up -- Infraction: Drinking under age. Excuse: I don't believe the law specifies 21 Earth years. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up -- Infraction: Unauthorized use of HOV lane. Excuse: It's okay, officer, this is a vehicle that I am occupying, and I happen to be very high at the moment. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the Winner of the life-sized seated female mannequin: Infraction: The CIA's failing to notice Aldrich Ames's spying in the 1980s. Excuse: "We were too busy failing to notice the collapse of the Soviet Union." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "Trust me, my dear, the lingerie in my car must have fallen off my Style Invitational mannequin." (Ted Huntington, Upper Marlboro) A man leaves his children home alone for a week: "I was taking prescription medication, and the directions said 'Keep Away From Children,' so I did." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) For being caught cheating: The meaninglessness of this incident will make me appreciate our rich, deep, almost spiritual experiences all the more. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Getting caught peeking into the women's showers: Have any of you fellows seen my glasses? I think I left them in there. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Speeding: I heard there was just one ticket left for the annual policeman's ball, so I was rushing to the station. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Charles Murray on why he and the late Richard Herrnstein wrote a book alleging, in part, that blacks are genetically inferior to whites: "Herrnstein wrote that part." (Stephen Bates, Silver Spring) Not paying your maid's Social Security: I didn't know illegal aliens had Social Security. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Losing an election: People threatened to disrupt my daughter's wedding. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Failure to deliver a severed penis to the emergency room: My dog ate it. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Exhibitionism: It's okay because on weekends I am a voyeur, so it balances out. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Lying: I was just positioning myself for a possible U.S. Senate campaign. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Drinking under age: I believe life begins at conception, so I turned 21 four months ago. (Russ Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Being late for work: I had to wait for a Metro train that had an empty orange seat facing forward. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Failing to recognize an old friend: I thought you were in the witness relocation program, and I didn't want to blow your cover. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Not voting: I knew the governor's race was going to be close, and I couldn't stand the pressure of having my vote actually matter. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Entering the Style Invitational: I used to enter Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, and was devastated when I lost. With Style Invitational, I'm almost relieved when I don't win. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) And Last: Why I am often late on Style Invitational entries: Because Chuck Smith is often late deciding first which entries he wants to buy. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) Next Week: West Easy, Ann ====================================================================== WEEK 90, published December 4, 1994 Week 90: Bill Us Now The Snowe-White dwarf anti-defamation bill. The Tate-LoBiondo crime bill. The Cubin-English foreign accent discrimination act. The Doyle-Lee antimacassar preservation act. This week's contest was suggested by Ira P. Robbins of Bethesda, who wins a can of "spiced octopus in spicy tomato sauce," personally donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry. Ira suggests reprising one of our earliest contests, in which you were asked to come up with funny legislation based on the names of real congresspersons. This time, however, we will limit the names to the 102 freshmen. Their names follow: Abraham, Ashcroft, Baldacci, Barr, Bass, Bentsen, Bilbray, Bono, Brooks, Brownback, Bryant, Bunn, Burr, Chabot, Chambliss, Chenoweth, Christensen, Chrysler, Coburn, Cooley, Cremeans, Cubin, Davis, DeWine, Doggett, Doyle, Ehrlich, English, Ensign, Fattah, Flanagan, Foley, Forbes, Fox, Frelinghuysen, Frisa, Frist, Funderburk, Ganske, Graham, Grams, Gutknecht, Hastings, Hayworth, Heineman, Hilleary, Hostettler, Inhofe, Jones, Kelly, Kennedy, Kyl, LaHood, LaTourette, Largent, Latham, Lee, LoBiondo, Lofgren, Longley, Luther, Martini, Mascara, McCarthy, McIntosh, Metcalf, Moppert, Munster, Myrick, Nethercutt, Neumann, Ney, Norwood, Radanovich, Riggs, Rivers, Salmon, Sanford, Santorum, Scarborough, Seastrand, Shadegg, Smith, Snowe, Souder, Stockman, Tate, Thomas, Thompson, Thornberry, Tiahrt, Waldholtz, Wamp, Ward, Watts, Webber, Weldon, Weller, White, Whitfield, Wicker, Witt. Choose your bill titles carefully; in the event of identical sponsor combinations, the most cleverly worded bill title will win. First-prize winner may choose any three items from Dave Barry's Christmas Gift Guide, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 90, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received by Monday, Dec. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness and humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads requests explanations for the artwork on the bottom of the page. Winner gets a giant goose flag. Send to Inscrutable Cartoon, c/o The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 87, in which West Virginia reader Ann Joliffe wrote in to suggest that we publicize good things about her state, and we obliged with a contest. Before we get to the winners, we would like to extend a heartfelt big-city apology to Ann and each and every West Virginian who was offended, including the many Nobel laureates who wrote in to express their indignation. Apparently goaded into it by a local newspaper (the Charleston Loogie-Taterhead, as we recall) many angry persons sent letters, including entire high school classes, little old ladies, sputtering municipal officials and various other unamused citizens of the Mountain State. These correspondences were long and injured and furious, filled with words like dagnabit, many of them volunteering happy facts about West Virginia, such as the location of all its parks and libraries and fat-rendering plants. One West Virginia folk artist sent us, as a postcard, the original cartoon reproduced at the bottom of this page, which we are fairly gol-danged certain is some sort of grievous insult involving the launching of cow doodyballs at the Capitol. Anyway, to all these West Virginians who feel we unfairly stereotyped their fine state, we offer only this lame explanation for our poor judgment: We were too busy smoking crack, having babies out of wedlock at taxpayer expense and perpetrating random drive-by shootings. Fourth Runner-Up: West Virginia is a mecca for major appliance spotters. (Steven King, Alexandria) Third Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, the Yosemite Sam Mudflaps Co. would have closed years ago. (Sherry Brown, Alexandria; also, Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: If it weren't for West Virginia, no one would have discovered that toad-licking was hallucinogenic. (Gerald Hrenko, Jr. Houston) First Runner-Up: West Virginia takes education seriously, having introduced a successful "Stay in Skule" program. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the toothless Halloweeen mask: Almost Haiti, West Virginia (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: West Virginia, the Firewood State. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Due to missing teeth, West Virginia has the highest rate of success of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It's a place where everybody knows your name, because it's their name too. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In West Virginia, it is possible to bury your dead without a lot of government meddling. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) In addition to snow days, ringworm days have been built into the school system. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) If it weren't for West Virginia, we would be homeless. (Karen and Ken Troccoli, West Virginia Avenue, Bethesda) If I ever wanted to disappear, no one would look for me there. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Linguistic experts vouchsafe that West Virginians have more than 50 words for "cootie." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It is the only state that can boast having these anagrams: In Grits I Wave, I Grin At Wives, and I, Virgin Sweat. (Russ Beland and Jerr Pannullo, Springfield) The incidence of gunshot-related cow deaths has declined dramatically since the introduction of the "Hunters Silhouette Series." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) West Virginia: Where we don't even know the meaning of the word "illiteracy." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Discounting accidental gun-discharge injuries, West Virginians now average only 5.5 toes per foot. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) It is so mountainous that the mule poop usually rolls downhill and out of the way. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Dental appointments are always easy to get. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.) West Virginia has the lowest incidence of white-collar crime in the country. (Austin Doyle and Elisa Braver, Silver Spring) We, like the royal family, find no shame in marrying our cousins. (Heather Nann Davis, Terra Alta, W.Va.) In West Virginia, one never has a problem finding a genetically compatible donor for an organ transplant. (Roland Williams, Burke) There are valleys in West Virginia in which one cannot pick up the 4 p.m. news with Mike Buchanan. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) If it weren't for West Virginia, Waldorf, Md., would have no tourist industry. (Noel Hern, Alexandria) You see some great tube tops at weddings in West Virginia. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac) Great State Motto: You've Got a Relative in West Virginia! (John Kammer, Herndon) West Virginia, where the rubber meets the dirt. (Russ Beland, Springfield) In West Virginia, it is easy to find guys at work who can talk intelligently about the upcoming match between Hulk Hogan and Sergeant Slaughter. (Marshal Greenblatt, Potomac) If it weren't for West Virginia, the country wouldn't have ANY tar paper quarries. (Walter Erickson, Southampton, Pa.) Miss West Virginia is always a contender in the Miss America talent contest with a flawlessly performed seven-minute lube job. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) If West Virginia had not split from Virginia during the Civil War and joined the Union, the delicate balance of military power would never have shifted to the North, and the Confederacy would have won, with unimaginably horrible consequences, like control of the government by power-crazed Southern politicians. (Joseph Romm, Washington) West Virginia gives the citizens of Lenoir, N.C., a place to feel superior to. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) If it weren't for West Virginia, the Style Invitational Week 87 Contest would have instead solicited entries involving random references to bodily functions, e.g., puking. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) And Last: We usually spell things correctly. (Ann Jolliffe, not Joliffe, Kingwood, W.Va.) ====================================================================== WEEK 91, published December 11, 1994 Week 91: Ask Backward IV McGovernicks It's Not A Pun. It's A Bagel. Marge, O.J., and Alan K. Mrs. Howell, but Not Gilligan Eenie Meenie Miney Moo Spelling, Punctuation and Gas Jack Kent Goldfarb Moses, Jesus, and Cool "Disco" Dan Those Seven Tobacco Company Executives Pliny The Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne" This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner receives a festive clock made from a rotary saw blade, plus a bust of Chopin, a total value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 91, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 88, in which you were asked how things will be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. But first, an observation. A careful reading of your entries detected just the weensiest suggestion of bitterness ("Welfare moms will be roasted on spits, basted with the sweat of decent working stiffs, and fed to fat-assed philandering robber baron industrialists ..."), leading us to conclude that the regular readers of the Style Invitational are -- how can we put this most kindly? -- pinkos and McGovernicks. Just an observation. Third Runner-Up: Food stamps will be replaced with Gruel Stamps. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: The Environmental Protection Agency's role will be limited to cleaning up after the mounted cavalry in the annual Armed Forces Day parade. (Philip "Dipstick" Delduke, Bethesda) First Runner-Up: Restaurants will no longer offer Smoking and Nonsmoking sections. From now on it will be Regular or Menthol. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner of the Groucho Marx doll: Instead of receiving condoms, schoolchildren will be encouraged to pray that they don't get pregnant. The word "pregnant" will not be used. The term will be "great with child." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms will be replaced by the Bureau of Drinking, Smoking and Shooting. (Joseph Romm, Washington) In order to prevent the Republicans from cutting social programs, the slogan "No Newt Axes" will become popular. (Paul Styrene, Olney) In an effort to look more like America, Kweisi Mfume will change his name to Bob Johnson. (Russ Beland, Springfield) The income tax laws will exempt the very rich and the very poor. The very poor must wear signs that say "The Very Poor." The very rich will pay for the signs. (Charles Jeffries, Lanham) The Occupational Safety and Health Administration will be replaced by the Stop Whining and Get Back to Work Administration. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Voter registration can be completed in gun stores. (David Nachtsheim, Silver Spring) Gluing a nickel to the pavement and watching people bend over to pick it up will become a popular prank once again. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Sex scandals will still occur, but with a better class of woman. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Food stamps can be used as Camel Cash. (Howard Mortman, Washington) Planned Parenthood will beis restricted to dispensing aspirin to hold between the knees. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) The Kennedy Center Honors will go to Pat Sajak, Chuck Norris, Wayne Newton, Billy Ray Cyrus and those seven tobacco company executives. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel; also Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NOW members will be assigned to Robert Packwood's Senate staff as "comfort girls." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Constipation will once again be fashionable. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Cake will be declared the fifth basic food group. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) The last remaining plot on the Mall will be used to build the National Paint by Numbers Museum. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) There will be a boom in employment opportunities for accordion teachers. (Ivan Sussman, Laurel) The list of vegetables for school lunch programs will be expanded by adding "ice" and "tobacco." (J.F. Martin, Falls Church; Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg; Thomas A. Logan, Alexandria) Roger Clinton's career will stall. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) South Africa will wind up boycotting us. (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) After Sen. Helms's committee removes Castro, Cuba will be admitted to the Union as a "slave" state. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) By 1998, Ellen Sauerbrey will still be contesting the election in court, and can then run as both the experienced incumbent and a fresh and exciting outsider. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Rush Limbaugh leaf bags will appear. (Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg) The "eternal flame" on the JFK gravesite is replaced with a Duraflame log from an Arlington 7-Eleven. (D. Gionfriddo, Washington) The "Contract With America" starts with a flurry. The entire government infrastructure is torn apart within the first week. Then, on the eighth day, with debris everywhere, the GOP contractors call in sick. Within a week it becomes obvious the contractors aren't coming back. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Church and state will be separated by an imaginary friend. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Political correctness becomes an anachronism. President Clinton proudly refers to the First Lady as his "squaw." (Marshall Goldstein, Reston) And Last: This is the last time I will be able to get the word "smartass" in a family newspaper. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Play Duh ====================================================================== WEEK 92, published December 18, 1994 Week 92: Plotboilers From "Plumbed," by G. Gordon Liddy He mashed his swarthy, work-hardened body against hers with tender cruelty, crushing her bosoms like a steamroller flattening origami zeppelins. The Contessa whimpered and succumbed. Later, he ate a rat. From "A Tale of Two Municipalities," by Joseph Biden It was the best of times. It was the worst of times . . . This Week's Contest was suggested by Newt Gingrich, who has revealed to everyone's delight that he has been working on a potboiler novel featuring a "pouting sex kitten." We wondered what other celebrities' novels might look like, if they wrote one, in 100 words or fewer. First-prize winner gets an antique ceramic flying elephant with huge pontoons for oil and vinegar, a $25 item that will stop dinner-table conversation as effectively as a chunk of kangaroo meat lodged in one's trachea. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 92, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 89, in which you were asked to come up with bad ideas for Christmas toys. Many of you did not really understand this contest, offering up dreadfully precious political drolleries such as "The Hillary Health-Care Jigsaw Puzzle," whose pieces do not fit together, or "IdeoLogs," which can be assembled one way and one way only. How amusing of you. Our hands sting from making prissy little pat-pat noises of appreciation. Fourth Runner-Up: "The Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm." (Dean Evangelista, Gaithersburg) Third Runner-Up: A Pee-wee Herman pull toy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: "The Duncan Yo" -- It unwinds and rolls away on the first try. Teaches children about warranties. (C.G. Owens, Indian Head) First Runner-Up: "5,200 Pick-Up" -- A jumbo deck of cards designed for every kid's favorite game! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And the winner of the fantastic lurching raccoon in the potato chips bag animated toy: The Learn-About-Puberty Chia Pet. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) Honorable Mentions: "SuperSoaker 9000" -- For use on normally hard-to-reach targets: NFL referees, low-flying aircraft, and many more. At short range it can strip paint, clean rusty grill tops, dig utility trenches. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "The Laff-o-Minit Majic Spellin' Tootor" (Elizabeth Kugler, Silver Spring) "Dan Quayle/John Kennedy Transformer" -- The Young Republicans in your house will be delighted to learn that Dan Quayle really is Jack Kennedy after all. (Russ Beland, Springfield) A set of bathtub toy fish that always float upside down. Teaches tots a true understanding of nature. (Adam Koons and Yukari Horiba, Washington) "Fool-'Em Transformers" -- Fake dog poop that converts in seconds to fake vomit! (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "Water Retention Wanda" -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Advanced Play Medical Kit," with colonoscope and speculum. (Robert Herscowitz and Terri Strassburger, Cabin John) "Where's the Spotted Owl?" book contains large, complex scenes in which a small spotted owl is hidden in a vast forest among burly loggers, dope-smoking hippies, rabid environmentalists etc. The joke is that there really is no spotted owl in the book, and moreover, the paper used to make the book comes from trees in the owl's natural habitat. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Aw, Shoot" -- Real handguns that look just like toys. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Humpy Puppy." Batteries not included. (Mary Whittington, Washington) "Plugger" -- Variation of the old classic game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, but the blindfolded child with wet hands tries to get the electrical plug into the outlet! (Mike E. Butcher, Waldorf) "Tas-Tee Jars" -- Toy cleaning-agent bottles, available in several fruit flavors. These are placed under the sink in place of the yucky real stuff. (Mike E. Butcher, Waldorf) "Dottie Depends" -- Betsy Wetsy's grandma. (Ginger and Kelly Fitzpatrick) "Disease Balls" -- Let your kids learn about illness with these enlarged rubber simulations of the AIDS virus, smallpox virus, tuberculosis etc. They can throw them around like ordinary balls and pretend they are "catching" all kinds of ailments! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) "Will It Burn?" -- E-Z Lite kid's lighter helps children discover what's flammable in the home. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Islamic Strip Poker" -- Lose a hand, lose a hand. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Doggie Dentist" -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Bungeroo!" -- Kid-size bungee kit for second-floor bedrooms. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Scabby Sam" -- Scablike growths randomly appear on Scabby Sam. They will disappear in a week to 10 days if left alone, but will result in permanent scarring if picked off. ( Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Cute as a Button" -- This amazing doll is created entirely out of nickel-size buttons. For ages 2 and under. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) "Cuisin-Art" -- Turns Mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Chocolate-covered lead soldiers. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And last: The fantastic lurching raccoon in the potato chips bag animated toy. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville; Diego Hernandez, Montgomery Village) ====================================================================== WEEK 93, published December 25, 1994 Week 93: I Want the Mongoose This Week's Contest is easy. Pictured above is the finest prize we have ever obtained, an elegant piece of taxidermy featuring a snake being killed by a mongoose. This would lend instant "class" to the den or living room of any domicile inhabited by morons, yokels or blind people. It was purchased for $65 but is obviously priceless. All you have to do is tell us, in 50 words or fewer, why you must have it. Best answer gets it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 93, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Jan. 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 90, in which you were asked to invent legislation using only the names of the 102 congressional freshmen. More than 9,000 entries this week, including dozens of fine ones submitted by too many people to credit the authors. Among them: the Fattah-Flanagan orphanage bill; the Watts-Hayworth farm subsidy bill; the Ney-Burr-Lee community development act; the Burr-Bryant college football empowerment act; the Barr-Burr-Nethercutt bikini wax amendment; the Smith-Jones motel registry act. There were so many entries, and so many duplicates, we fear we may have inadvertently omitted the names of some people with entries identical to the winners below. If you feel we snubbed you, and wish recognition, you may follow this simple procedure: Have your original entry notarized along with an affidavit swearing to its authenticity. Submit this in triplicate to "I Deserve Credit," c/o The New York Times Op-Ed Section, 229 W. 43rd St., New York, N.Y. 10036. Thank you. Sixth Runner-Up: The Frisa-Bunn RFK Stadium dome appropriations bill. (PDKL Letellier, Arlington) Fifth Runner-Up: The Wamp-Bass weapons procurement act. (Nick Yokanovich, Arnold; Mollie Peek Roland, Falls Church) Fourth Runner-Up: The Lee-Kyl-Kennedy anti-conspiracy bill. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.; Bill and Judy Kelly, Gaithersburg; Janet Millenson, Potomac) Third Runner-Up: The Bono-Snowe-English athlete literacy act. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills; John Holder, Washington) Second Runner-Up: The Bentsen-Snowe-Kennedy delayed snappy comeback act. (Scott Jordan, Derwood) First Runner-Up: The Watts-DeWine-Witt-Salmon sommelier education act. (Bill Purvis, Dave Finkbinder and Mike Duffy, Washington; Mark W. Johnson, Chevy Chase; Paul Bickart, Washington) And the winner of the three items from Dave Barry's Gift Guide: The Cubin-Bass-Tiahrt resolution condemning Fidel Castro. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: The Barr-Bunn-Ney-Mascara animal-testing prohibition act. (Joe Weissman, Washington) The Hilleary-Souder-Barr-Burr hairdresser liability act. (Lisa Massarella, Falls Church) The Witt-Watts balanced budget amendment. (Gene Reiher, Burke) The Thomas-Lee-Jones motion picture violence act. (Jesse Salter, Washington) The Barr-Fattah-Kennedy combined congressional term-limits and weight-limits bill. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The Munster-Bentsen-Sanford bad sitcom preservation act. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The English-Frist dyslexic empowerment act. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) The Munster-Bunn obesity anti-defamation act. (Stephen Connard, Crofton) The Bilbray-Lee family reconciliation act. (Stu Segal, Vienna) The Barr-Burr-Seastrand ticket-gouging prevention act. (Eric F. Barr, Front Royal; Preston Williams, Alexandria; Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring; Jill Drain, Alexandria) The Weller-English language proficiency act. (Gina Morgan, Falls Church; Geoff and Jacki Drucker, Arlington) The Munster-Bunn-Ney bill funding medical research into alcohol-induced hallucinations. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville) The Abraham-Martini & Jones song-title infringement act. (Steven J. Bienstock, Rockville) The Hilleary-Luther-Fattah-White-Bunn act to add an aerobics room to the White House. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Ensign-Bunn don't ask, don't tell bill. (Karl Means, Silver Spring) The Nethercutt-Munster anti-flatulence act. (Mike Duffy, Washington) The Snowe-White-Bunn-Brownback standards for decency in sunbathing act. (Joel J. Roessner, Arlington; Michael Newberg, Bel Air) The Inhofe-Lee Bad Taste bill to honor Polacks, Krauts and Japs. (Scott Kirkwood, Rockville) The Doggett-Lee-White segregation bill. (Laurel Bergold, Washington) The Watts-Neumann anti-slang bill. (Kate Renner, Rockville) The Mascara-Rivers Tammy Faye Bakker appreciation resolution. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; John Alvey, Annandale) The Kennedy-Martini bill to prohibit cheap shots in contests. (Jay D. Majors, Alexandria) and Last: The Barr-Smith Style Invitational reform act. (Scott Harshman, Washington, and about 150 others) NEXT WEEK: Ask Backward III ====================================================================== WEEK 94, published January 1, 1995 Week 94: Weeks 1-93. This Week's Contest was proposed by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins something we cannot describe because it is waaay too tasteless. But for some time we have been watching and admiring Jessica's entries, including many that we have not chosen to publish, and we are confident -- how to put this nicely? -- that she will not be offended. We are confident, in fact, that she will make this the centerpiece of her living room. Anyway, Jessica suggests that you come up with a great answer to any previous Style Invitational contest, an answer you may have thought of after the contest deadline was over. Any previous contest is eligible, even the famous Week 43, in which we asked you to Tell Us What God Looks Like and people were so appalled that no one came up with anything funny and we had to print limericks or something. The first-prize winner gets "Dogs Playing Pool," a masterpiece in genuine velvet, discovered by the unsung hero of this cheesy contest, the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who selflessly has made a science of scouring the back roads of America for you, the reader, in order to find total crap. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 94, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 91, in which we asked you to supply questions for any of 12 answers we provided. Fifth Runner-Up -- Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are the first three items on a skywriter's preflight checklist? (Robert E. McCarthy, Clifton, Va.) Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan. Question: Who is Marion Barry going to need help from to clean up Washington? (Mary K. and Larry T. Phillips, Falls Church) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Mrs. Howell, but not Gilligan. Question: What is one way of bowing out of the Mary Ann-Ginger debate? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne". Question: What is the name of the kid who plays D.J. on "Roseanne"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia; Michael Rosman, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne." Question: To whom is Robert Shapiro attempting to shift suspicion based on a startling similarity in nicknames? (Greg Pryor, Washington) And the winner of the Buzz Saw Clock: Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. Question: What are three things related to the use of a colon? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: Answer: The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists What is the only thing the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are terrified of? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) What toy outsells the Mighty Morphin Power Proctologists? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield) When the Tooth Fairy went bad, who became her mortal enemy? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Where do Teenage Mutant Ninja CPAs go when they have a cavity? (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington) What toy plays "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth," and then belts you in the mouth? (Mary M. Olson, Springfield) Who, in addition to fighting evil, own a string of apartment buildings in Florida? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Spelling, Punctuation and Gas. What are two things that seventh-grade boys fail, and one that they pass? (Susan K. Hill, Roanoke) What are three things you can't find on the information superhighway? (Don Druker, Rockville) What was the original name of "Earth, Wind and Fire"? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Answer: Moses, Jesus and Cool "Disco" Dan. Question: Who are three people whose names are written in, or on, stone? (Marnie Reed, Washington?) Answer: McGoverniks. Where can you order a Quarter-Pounder with welfare cheese? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Answer: Pliny the Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg. Who has been called "The father of Pliny the Younger"? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Who would never have written "Historia Naturalis Mutha Pigg"? (Steve Cohen, Reston) Proving how unfair life can be, who was killed by poisonous gases? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Answer: Marge, O.J. and Alan K. From most to least, in what order do Simpsons rate on the credibility scale? (Preston Williams, Alexandria) Who loses a lot, has a lot to lose and lost to Lott? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Answer: The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne." What child actor has the same high name recognition as the kid who played Lumpy on "Leave It to Beaver"? (Chris Ubik, Gaithersburg) Which young actor unsuccessfully auditioned for the lead role in "Pinocchio" because the director deemed him to be too wooden? (Margaret Welch, Arlington) Answer: Those Seven Cigarette Company Executives. Who were thankful that Congress has a lightning rod on the dome? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Democrats are to Republicans as the Chicago Seven are to what? (Bryan W. Van Norden, Cedar Halls, Iowa) Answer: It's Not a Pun, It's a Bagel. What other highly amusing rearrangement can you make out of the letters of the following Washington Post headlines: "I Toast a Bulge in Pants;" "I, Satan, Plotting Abuse"; and, "Blast Out a Giant Penis"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What, even when raisin, is not raised? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) If sea gulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay? (Jean Sorenson, Herndon) Answer: Jack Kent Goldfarb Who drafted Heath Shul-er? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Eenie Meenie Miney Moo What is NOW's approved method of selecting a Miss America? (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) What is the latest effort by those pinkos at the Style Invitational to solicit tasteless jokes at the expense of the great state of West Virginia? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Next Week: Plotboilers ====================================================================== WEEK 95, published January 8, 1995 WEEK 95: HOW'S THAT AGAIN?(Post headline shown as a graphic) Allen to End Sex Therapy In Va. Prisons (caption: ) Gov. George Allen announced today that he is cured and thanked the prisoners at the Bland and Haynesville correctional centers for helping him overcome his sexual problems… (Cartoon with Bob Staake's own lettering, of a man typing at a computer: ) CLINTON AGREES TO SLASH ART Bowing to Republican pressure, President Clinton suddenly took an 8" stiletto to the Georges Seurat painting 'Sunday in the Park'. This week's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a drinking duck. Joseph suggests that you take any headline appearing anywhere in The Post this week (today through Saturday) and completely rewrite the first lines of the story to put a different, unintended spin on it. (The headline above was taken from The Post of Dec. 29.) Compose your new story carefully; in the event of similar ideas, the best-written one will win. Make sure you clip out the headline, or at least indicate which page it appeared on. On this weekend that Elvis turns 60, first-prize winner gets a clock made from an electric guitar featuring Elvis's face, a spectacular prize with a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 95, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print urgently requests an explanation of how the drinking duck works. First correct entry wins a drinking duck. Funniest incorrect entry wins another drinking duck. We have drinking ducks up the gazoo. Thank you. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 92, in which we asked you to come up with passages from novels that might have been written by celebrities. Fourth Runner-Up: Fred met a girl at a bar. They went to a hotel and had sex. On the way out of the hotel, we had sex with the coat-check girl. Then he had sex with the meter maid in the back of her little truck. On the way home, he had sex with six or seven other women. He was not exaggerating about the number of women he had sex with. It was really possible to sleep with that many. On the way up to his apartment, he had sex with the elevator operator ... From "Score!" by Wilt Chamberlain (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Third Runner-Up: "Do you want a bonbon?" asked J.J., as he put on the Yo Yo Ma tape. "I'm gaga about them," replied Gigi, in her black chichi dre. Bang! Bang! Two dumdum bullets smashed through the double-paned window. J.J. and Gigi were both dead before their bodies hit the wall-to-wall carpeting. From "Bang Bang, You're Dead, Dead!" by Boutros Boutros Ghali (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: By the time she woke up, the kids were all out of the house. It was just as well: she had a lot to do today. She had to call to see if the Caddy was ready to be picked up. She had to go down to the welfare office to pick up her check. And, she thought, on the way back she better stop by the saloon and pick up a potent stud--her accountant had warned her that unless she got another dependent pretty soon her cash flow was going to suffer.... From "Slut" by Jesse Helms (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) First Runner-Up: She pushed herself away from the throbbing insistence of his firmness. "Everything, everything," she said. "What's wrong?" He tugged at the frayed waistband of the cheap boxer shorts. "He's my husband, Frank. He owns half the town and he'd love nothing better than to ruin you." "Who the hell in Clyde Manning and why should I be afraid of him?" he said. She reached and stroke the pale shadow of his jaw. "My children, my home, my reputation," she said. "What have you got to lose?" he asked. "Oh, Frank ... you make it all sound so easy." From "A Questionable Affair," by Alex Trebek (W. Tyler Estler, Adamsville) And the winner of the flying-elephant oil and vinegar dispenser: He awoke with a world-class hangover and simply couldn't face the prospect of going to work. So he called the office and said he would be out sick again. "Let whatsizface take over for me, like he always does when I'm not feeling well." Stumbling into the kitchen, he took out his biggest tumbler and filled it half to the top with milk, which he mixed with an equal amount of gin... From "Maybe Manana," by Cal Ripken Jr. (Robert Pack, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: "Detective Jones," said the district attorney. "I've got some bad news. In 2.0000567 days, the 3.99456 killers you put away 13.999958 years ago will be released from prison." The news hit Jone like 1,999.854 pounds of bricks. From "The Clock Struck 11.998432" by Andrew Grove, CEO of Intel (Joseph Romm, Washington) I was born in a small log cabin--well, actuall the cabin was made of dead trees struck down by a storm, probably the result of upper-atmospheric disturbances exacerbated by a decreasing ozone layer. No endangered or threatened deciduous species were cut, and some were left to provide a micro-habitat for mold, and for small invertebrates and crustacea to rebuild the forest. The cabin was made with implements that cost only a fraction of those our Defense Department now currently procures through a bureaucratic system now being reformed through on-line computerized ordering, not, of course, available to me as a child. From "Saved," by Al Gore (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Ramificating the causalities, he expedited a concomitance of coindici, predestinating her quiescently to his carnalities. From "Sesquipedian" by Al Haig [male symbol] + [female symbol] [male symbol] - [female symbol] [heart] [male symbol x [female symbol] = [small male symbol] [small female symbol] [small female symbol] From "[heart]" by [Prince symbol] (Joseph Romm, Washington) It may or may not have been a dark and/or stormy night ... From "Straight Talk," by Mario Cuomo (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) My day was not starting well at all. The alarm clock went off at 7, but it was a wind-up model and didn't say a.m. or p.m. Then I wanted to have some yogurt for breakfast, but the freshness date on the carton was May 1, and it was still only early April ... From "One Darn Thing After Another," by Dan Quayle (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Elmer could think of 100 reasons why he should seduce this mystery vixen, this pouting sex kitten. The top ten: 10. Her McGuffeys weren't no mystery. 9. Nothing on late shows, anyway. 8. Better than watching buddy Paul play his organ. 7. She reminded him of Big Ass ham. 6. Eager to try new Buttafuoco cologne. 5. Tired of dating Rosie Palmer. 4. His current dry spell made Bud Melman look promiscuous. 3. Wanted to prove he had degree from Ball State. 2. Didn't need no surgeon general to teach him how. 1. Sister just moved back to West Virginia. From "Ten" by David Letterman (Dan Royer, Alexandria) The early morning light broke softly through the puffy clouds in a pale blue sky. PhDs, professional people and decent contented strong working men and women of all types walked briskly to begin their highly paid days in soaring gleaming towers and humming spotless air-conditioned ergonomically designed nonpolluting factories. Scrubbed and bright-eyed children of all races walked hand-in-hand to their neighborhood schools, there to feast on Proust, Aristotle, and Rousseau. Another typical day was beginning in West Virginia... From "Heaven" by Sen. Jay Rockefeller (Elden Carnahan, Laurel} ====================================================================== WEEK 96, published January 15, 1995 Week 96: Stick It In Your Ear 1940s: The War Years 1950s: The Age of Innocence 1960s: The Flower-Power Decade 1970s: The Me Decade 1980s: The Yuppie Years 1990s: ? This Week's Contest was sort of proposed by Joseph Romm, of Washington, except we improved on his idea and anyway he is getting too full of himself so he doesn't win squat. Wait, no, we just found something here for him. Joseph wins a photocopy of a photograph of a performance artist lying naked under a heavy lead weight suspended precariously over his face by string attached through a pulley to his private parts. Anyway, the new contest idea is to come up with a catch phrase to describe the 1990s. If it will help, you can explain your entry, but an explanation isn't necessary. First-prize winner receives a Velvis, a genuine framed Velvet Elvis in which the King appears to be crying tears made of half-and-half and glitter, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 96, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print also solicits ideas for renaming previous decades; winner gets a drinking duck. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Results of Week 93, in which we asked you to tell us why you should win the fabulous piece of taxidermy featuring a mongoose killing a snake. We would like to comment first upon the surprising popularity of vomitous stuffed-animal sculptures, judging from the vast numbers of snapshots we received from people like Ted Hirt, of Washington, who owns a pair of stuffed squirrels wearing miniature boxing gloves in a miniature boxing ring; Ellen A. Blackwell, of Washington, who keeps on a table in her rec room a day-old baby donkey; and Pamela King, of Mechanicsville, who displays above her fireplace, mounted on a handsome plaque of burnished wood, a deer's behind. Those three people win T-shirts because we were fresh out of spittoons. Also winning a shirt is Mister Daniel Riley, of Woodbridge, who sent us an elegant hardcover coffee-table book consisting entirely of high-quality photographs of wild animals pooping and peeing. Second Runner-Up: I need the mongoose because my husband says if I bring one more ugly tchotchke into the house, he's leaving. (Jo Ann York, Germantown) First Runner-Up: It would be fun to see the kids' expressions when, as they shine a flashlight under the bed to make sure there are no monsters, they see this. (Ann Wilkinson, Upperville, Va.) And the winner of the mongoose killing the snake: All I really want is a runner-up T-shirt, but like women everywhere, to get what I want I have to fake it. So let me say I want that repulsive mongoose. Yes, I want it, I need it bad, I love it. Please, please give it to me. Give it to me now, baby, now, ooooooh baby. (Judith Daniel, Washington) Honorable Mentions I must have the mongoose because I feel the need to add a luxury high-rise to my maggot farm. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) I should get the mongoose because this is the first Invitational entry to have a footnote, and novelty must count for something.1(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I went short on stuffed-mongoose futures and I must have it to cover my position. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) The new Contract With America stipulates that I am entitled to it. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I deserve the mongoose because, ah, some day I would like to work with disadvantaged children. (Russ Beland, Springfield) I should get the mongoose because though I have brushed my teeth every day for 26 years, my dentist no longer gives me toys. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) I love Ellen Sauerbrey and for some strange reason this reminds me of her. (Paul Styrene, Olney) I must have the mongoose because I need a place to mount my stuffed fleas. (Yvonne Easter Driggers, Reston) I want the mongoose to be used as a hood ornament on my Yugo. (Rosie Connard, Crofton) I'm building a Morse code key for my ham radio and need a piece of wood about that size. (Martin Schulman, Herndon) If you give it to me, it will be kept out of the hands of someone who might throw it over the White House fence at the president. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Sal told me to get it for him by any means necessary. I thought I'd ask first. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: I need a thank-you gift for Elden Carnahan, who kindly sends me computer printouts documenting just how far I've fallen behind Tom Witte of Gaithersburg in your overall standings. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) 1. Racial and gender repression, multiculturalism and, of course, sex, as represented by the snake and mongoose thing. Grimm's Journal of Dour American Pop Psychology, Vol. 47, pp. 62-63. ====================================================================== WEEK 97, published January 22, 1995 Week 97: Newtonian Philosophy Newt Gingrich on the sexes: "Women don't have upper body strength but are better with laptops. Men are better in traditional combat roles because if women had to spend a month in a ditch, they would get infections. But men are basically little piglets who like to roll around in mud. Women, though, would be better sitting around at consoles and directing warship traffic because men get frustrated sitting down since they are biologically programmed to go out and hunt giraffes." This Week's Contest was suggested by the incredible Newt Gingrich, who wins a tube of Monistat 7. Newt teaches a college course on American Civilization, and when we read quotations from one of his lectures in Wednesday's Reliable Source (appearing above in slightly condensed form) we saw Week 97 written all over it. Your challenge is to Come up with more Newtonian philosophy to explain the differences between men and women, Democrats and Republicans, dogs and cats, whatever needs explaining. The world according to Newt. Fifty words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a pet salamander, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 97, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print also solicits examples of corny Hillary-isms, like 'Okey Dokey, Artichokey,' disclosed by The Washington Post last weekend. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 94, in which you were asked to submit entries to any previous contest. But first, a special hello to Jacob Weinstein of McLean, who politely wonders if we are ever going to get around to sending him the Jinx Remover candle he won in Week 39 or thereabouts. He has been hesitant to complain before now because he fears we might get mad and make fun of him in print. Jacob, you truly wound us. We apologize for the delay. Your candle is on the way. And it is just the right shape, if you get our drift. Anyway, the most appalling and shameless entry received this week was from Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who, thinking she could curry favor with the Czar of the Style Invitational and win a T-shirt, knit him a handsome sweater. It has a rat motif. Sarah, if the Czar were the kind of person whose influence could be bought so cheaply, this would be one lame-brained, crappy excuse for a contest, now wouldn't it? Sarah wins a T-shirt. Second Runner-Up: From the contest in which you create a new expression by adding or deleting a letter from an old expression: "Ma About You" -- New TV show in which Connie Chung interviews your mother and gets her to disclose stupid things you said or believe. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: From the contest seeking double dactyls: Accurate, shmaccurate! Olivers, North and Stone Find fudging history Hard to resist. Their troubles adhering to Verisimilitude Earn them the nickname of Olivers Twist.(Beryl Benderly, Washington) And the winner of velvet painting of Dogs Playing Pool: (Casting celebrities in well-known roles from TV or movies): Sharon Pratt Kelly as Tweety Bird. (Gary McKethan, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Double dactyls: Lickety Stickety Lady Madonna Showed us her midriff and Much more than that. Now even herdsmen in Boputhatswana Know she exemplifies "[Censored] for tat." (David Mills, Los Angeles) "Jeopardy!" questions: Answer: A great big sucking sound. Question: What has replaced "Hail to the Redskins" as the team song? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Topics for a TV talk show: Women who leave the toilet seat up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Change one letter in an expression: Star Trek: The Newt Generation: A rousing adventure of space exploration, with a smaller budget and no aliens. (Joseph Romm, Washington) A new motto for the District of Columbia: Tread on Me. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Good-news/bad-news scenarios: The good news: The Redskins have decided to change their name. Bad news: They will now be called the Washington Wagon Burners. (Mark Miller, Vienna) Bad ideas for Style Invitational contests: Come up with humorous reasons why you cannot invent an excuse for not being able to come up with humorous names for people who cannot come up with good Style Invitational entries. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Suggest alternate names The Washington Post could have if it were published elsewhere. Example: The Baltimore Post. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Make up a really bad name for a new car. Example: The Plymouth Crapola. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Dividing the world into two kinds of people: There are people who are respectful of their fellow human beings, and then you have all the other scum-sucking pus-wads. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) New urban legends: Chap Stick has become less hard and waxy over the years as the company has gradually added chunks of human lips to the mix. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Ideas for performance art: In an arena, spectators are formed into teams and equipped to test the feasibility of some well-known but difficult tasks. They will: (1) nail Jell-O to the wall; (2) shovel sand against the tide; (3) take a long walk off a short pier; (4) attempt to get blood from a stone; and (5) go $%*&@ themselves. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Epitaphs: John Wayne Bobbitt -- Fondly Re-membered. (Steven Smith, St. Mary's City, Md.) A new name for the Redskins: (symbol of Prince, with football at top.) (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Good things about West Virginia: If it weren't for West Virginia, you couldn't have your dead tree cut down for just $200 (cash only) by two guys in a 1973 pickup with no bumpers, and get to watch it fall through your neighbor's roof. (Carleton MacDonald, Gaithersburg) What God looks like: I am not sure, but He definitely doesn't resemble anything from West Virginia. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Interesting pranks: Write an indignant letter to the editor in the Post under the name of Sen. Jay Rockefeller, humorlessly defending the state of West Virginia and denouncing the Style Invitational. Then submit a flurry of Sen. Rockefeller put-downs to the Style Invitational. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) ====================================================================== WEEK 98, published January 29, 1995 Week 98: Your Cheatin' Art I Gave Her My Ring, but She Gave Me the Finger If She Don't Want My Hot Dog, All She'll Get Is Beans I'm A-truckin' My Way to Your Heart Like the Throbbin' Angioplasty Procedure That I Am This Week's Contest was suggested independently by Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Blacksburg, who are, to the best of our knowledge, not in any way involved with each other, though who knows what could happen now that we have officially "linked" them in print? Innuendo is a powerful tool. Anyway, Jeanie wins a freebie Naugahyde carrying case distributed to the media at the 1993 Miss America pageant, and Kevin wins an official 1993 Miss America pageant pen. Kevin and Jeanie, who we emphasize are not, so far as we know, living together in a tawdry love nest swilling cheap wine beneath an unforgiving moon, suggest coming up with titles for country music songs featuring any one or more of the following themes: cheatin', thievin', drinkin', truckin', lovin' or dogs. This is almost too easy. One of the two song titles above is real, one is made up. Can't tell which is which, can you? First Prize winner gets a lightweight jacket with the Beano company logo on it. Beano makes a product that reduces intestinal gas. The jacket is a windbreaker. GET IT???? This fine item has a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 98, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print wonders if anyone might submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Best entry wins something cheap but appealing, in a trashy sort of way. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 95, in which you were asked to reinterpret headlines appearing in The Post. Several headlines proved too juicy to resist, and produced dozens of nearly identical entries: BANKER WITHOUT PARTY TIES TO LEAD ITALY resulted in countless items about a politician lacking a colorful wardrobe. STREETS THAT ARE PAVED WITH THE POOR produced 20 variations of "Newt Gingrich announced his proposal today for reducing the budget of the Transportation Department ..." And, ZEDILLO'S STRATEGY -- MEXICANS MUST BE CONVINCED OF NEED FOR SACRIFICES produced a dozen of these: "To appease the gods and help the sagging economony, the new Mexican president called today for a return to ritual Aztec killings of virgins . . . " Fourth Runner-Up: SPIRITS RISE ALONG WITH THE TEMPERATURES -- District residents were horrified yesterday to discover that, as the temperatures climbed into the sixties, the dead were rising from their graves to enjoy the weather. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: JOHNSON CONNECTS FOR 42 -- Wilt Chamberlain today claimed that he had broken his own one-day scoring record ... (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: WARM UP THOSE ZAMBONIS -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control issued a warning today that hundreds of Americans will suffer from salmonella poisoning unless they properly heat zambonis before eating. "Salmonella thrive in the popular Italian snacks ..." (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville) First Runner-Up: WOMAN FATALLY SHOT IN SOUTHEAST -- Decency prohibits us from saying precisely where Mrs. Anna Koster was shot, but ... (Saul Jay Singer, Silver Spring) And the winner of the Elvis guitar clock: DOING A NUMBER ON D.C. -- It remained unclear today whether Congress intends to do a No. 1 or a No. 2 ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions: GINGRICH FIRES HIS PICK FOR HOUSE HISTORIAN -- In a farewell salute to Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders ... (John Kammer, Herndon) MARILYN QUAYLE SPEAKS OUT ON GRAMM, ALEXANDER -- Citing a need to "return to those values that made America the technological leader of the world," the former vice president's wife quoted her husband: "We must remember our landmark achievements such as Thomas Edison's light bulb and the invention of the Bell telephone by, ah, that guy with the beard, ah, you know, Alexander Gramm. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; also, Robin D. Grove, Washington) THE 'VIRTUAL DAD' -- Michael Jackson announced today that he was "virtually a father," and that his wife, Lisa Marie, would get pregnant just as soon as they started having sex. (Joseph Romm, Washington) WHY NOT YOU ASK? -- What's wrong with this, headline? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) DESPERATE DEMOCRATS SCRAMBLE IN TIGHT JOB MARKET -- How bad is it for out-of-work Democrats? Ask Mack O'Donnell, former top aide to Dan Rostenkowski, as he stands at the grill of the Clipper Diner, whipping up an omelet ... (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) FIRST LADY, EYE TO EYE WITH HERSELF -- A controversial oil painting of Hillary Clinton, in the style of Picasso, was unveiled today ... (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) BETTER HANDLE ON D.C. HOMICIDES -- The total amount wagered on D.C. homicide totals reached a record high last year, as a flurry of late wagers on the District's 1994 murder tally pushed the pool's total "handle" past the $100,000 mark. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington; also, Saul J. Singer, Silver Spring) PEACE ACCORD JEOPARDIZED IN BOSNIA -- In a humanitarian visit to war-torn Sarajevo, Alex Trebek said to a group of Muslims, "It doesn't stand a chance here in Bosnia," and the throng shouted back, "What is the peace accord?" (Diego Hernandez, Montgomery Village) THE REAL "BELOVED"? Antonie Brentano (1780-1969) -- Reputed to be the secret lover of Ludwig van Beethoven, Antonie Brentano lived to be 189 years old and died after dropping some bad acid at Woodstock. (David Howison, Lexington, Va.) GOP OUTLINES BROAD WELFARE REFORM ... Programs for kids and minorities also affected. (Jack M. Rudolph, Charlottesville) BLAZERS DRIVE PAST SKIDDING BULLETS -- In the latest fad to hit the D.C. streets, teams of teenagers speed in Chevy trucks past their opponents, who shoot at their tires ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) THINGS TO WATCH FOR IN THE DAYS AFTER BIRTH -- Infants are being advised to watch for bare breasts shortly after birth, as this is where their food sources are ... (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) LEAD ATTORNEYS FOR SAUERBREY ARE REPLACED -- Would-be governor Ellen Sauerbrey continued to demonstrate her mettle by replacing her lead attorneys with lawyers fashioned from tin and gold. According to a Sauerbrey spokesperson, the new attorneys are expected to be more malleable. (Rick Wasser, Sterling) HOW DO THEY LIKE THEM APPLES? While Intel has finally solved the math problems of its Pentium chip, a similar problem has just been found in the new line of Apple computers' word-check functions. The Macintosh will occasionally miss correcting a mistake, and will also change something that doesn't need to be corrected, such as changing "We are fine" to "We is fine." (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) And Last: LOAN GUARANTEES GET CAUTIOUS HILL BACKING -- "The Washington Post has published one of the most boring headlines I've ever seen," according to Elden Carnahan of Laurel. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) NEXT WEEK: Stick It In Your Era. ====================================================================== WEEK 99, published February 5, 1995 WEEK 99: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PICTURES? This Week's Contest was suggested by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, who wins a Russian-language Archie comic book. Jennifer proposes that you tell us What's Wrong With These Pictures? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a fabulous copper music box outhouse that plays "Those Were the Days" while the door swings open, revealing a little man engaged in traditional outhouse activity, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 99, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 96, in which you were asked to come up with a catch phrase to describe the 1990s. But first, a special citation to Mike Thring of Leesburg, who wins Dan Quayle's book, "Standing Firm," for coming up with catch phrases for the '50s through the '90s, which we print here without comment: '50s -- The Dick Clark Years; '60s -- The Dick York Years; '70s -- The Dick Nixon Years; '80s -- The Richard Simmons Years; '90s -- The Age of Bobbitt. Back to the '90s: Third Runner-Up: The Great Sobriety (Joseph Atkins, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: How's My Decade? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) First Runner-Up: The Times That Sold Men's Trials (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) And the Winner of the framed Velvis: The Age of Innocence Not Guilty (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The Honorable Mention Years. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Decade So Politically Correct It's Afraid to Label Itself (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The 1990s: The '80s With a Salary Cap. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) The Short Attention Spa Decade (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The Self-Referential Decade, as Named by Peter Owen of Williamsburg. (Peter Owen, Williamsburg) The Days of Whine & Roseanne (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) THE TABLOID TIMES (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The 21st Century: The Early Years (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Nineties. The Ninesters, the Nine-o-ramas, the Ninety-Meisters, the Age of Nine-ishness... (Paul Styrene, Olney) The Twilight of the Goods (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A Decade to Be Named Later (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Guilted Age (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The 1990s: NFC 10, AFC 0 (Dan Byrne, Falls Church) The Rough Age (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The Rolodecade (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Rappin' With the '90s. The One 2 Ten Years Lacing Music With Our Fears &%#@ the Rest 'Cause These Are Best. (Jim and Tana Reagan, Herndon) The Decade of the 1990s -- Brought to you by your good friends at Allstate, who remind you, "You're in Good Hands With Allstate," and by your local Coca-Cola bottler. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The Decade Shortened by the Astronomers' Strike (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Newtonian Philosophy ====================================================================== WEEK 100, published February 12, 1995 Week 100: The Joke's On You Joke 1 -- A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. Terrified, the ostriches bury their heads in the sand. An hour passes. Then another ostrich lopes by, sees all the ostriches with their heads in the sand and says: "Say, where is everybody?" Joke 2 -- A reporter walks up to four diplomats - a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi - and asks them all, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is 'excuse me' " Joke 3 -- "My dog has no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" "He stinks." This Week's Contest: Retell any of these jokes as they would be told by some celebrity, living or dead. You can alter the joke as much as you wish. First-prize winner receives a Treetop Singer, a plastic bird that warbles every time anything makes a noise anywhere in its vicinity. This obnoxious twitty object costs $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 100, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 97, in which we asked you to come up with Gingrichisms, colorful if slightly Neanderthal explanations of the basic principles of life. Fortunately, your entries stank up the joint, leaving us with needed space to tie up some loose ends. First, we have received a correspondence from Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax hotly denying that he and Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling are an "item." Reviewing where matters now stand, we have an unfounded scurrilous rumor that has been: 1) hotly denied by one alleged participant while the other alleged participant remains: 2) suspiciously silent. More on this breaking sex scandal as it develops. Next: The winner of the fine-print contest to come up with creative new examples of onomatopoeia, or words that sound like what they are describing, is Stu Segal of Vienna, who wins a fabulous book on the prostate gland for "Panache--The sound a dollop of spaghetti sauce makes hitting a designer suit." And in the contest to explain the inscrutable cartoon below, the winner of the giant flag of a goose is Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase, who writes: "It is a little-known fact that shortly after George Washington's death in 1799, Martha Washington's childhood sweetheart exhumed George's body, cut of his head, and mounted it on a post. In a fit of rage he then ripped off his own kneecap, hurled it at our first president's head, and then danced a jig. The only witness was a cow." Special mention goes to Lisa Zucker of Bethesda, who described a miniature golf course consisting only of "a tiny Capitol building and a George Washington Pez dispenser." Next: The winner of a drinking duck for coming up with the most accurate explanation for how a drinking duck works is Thomas J. Murphy of Bowie, whose explanation is so long and stultifying we will not repeat it here except to say that it involves volatility and vapor pressure and the Second Law of Thermodynamics. We fear Tom may not be the most scintillating human being on Earth, but he certainly knows his refrigerants. Winner of a drinking duck for the funniest explanation of how a drinking duck works is Fil Feit of Annandale, who writes: "1. Drinking ducks love vodka. 2. Drinking ducks hate water. 3. Drinking ducks cannot tell vodka from water without tasting. 4. Drinking ducks are senile." And now, Gingrichisms: Second Runner-Up: "We should consider employing an entirely female navy, because a woman's anatomy makes her particularly well suited for use as a flotation device." (Mark Briscoe, Arlington) First Runner-Up: "Joan of Arc? Dead of infection. Look it up." (Dave Yanchulis, Washington) And the winner of the pet salamander: "Men are better decision makers than women. This capacity is developed at an early age during toilet training. Every time a man goes to the bathroom, he makes a conscious decision to stand or sit. That trait is underdeveloped in women, who are always dithering over every little thing." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: "Women are better at sweatshop work. Their perspiration doesn't smell as bad in close quarters and they like to sew clothes. Men need to work outside where they can sweat and urinate freely. Children can be kept in orphanages above the sweatshops." (Kim Patterson, Gaithersburg) "Bill Clinton is a Democrat. The Democrats are donkeys. That means he is an ass. I am a Republican. The Republicans are elephants. That means I have large genitals." (Rick Sasaki, Arlington) And Last: "T-shirts are a symbol of acceptance and honor. Bumper stickers are cold and hurt like crazy when you take them off." (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Next Week: Cheatin' Art ====================================================================== WEEK 101, published February 19, 1995 WEEK 101: [title deliberately left blank] First-Prize Winner gets an antique Oliver Hardy ventriloquist's dummy, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 101, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Don't look for help here. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 98, in which we asked for country-western song titles, on the general subjects of Lovin', Cheatin', Thievin', Drinkin', Truckin' or Dogs. Great results. Many people submitted real song titles, the best of which was "I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lyin' on My Side Cryin' in My Sleep Over You." Seventh Runner-Up: "Jump in the Hefty Bag, Baby, 'Cause I'm Takin' Out the Trash" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Sixth Runner-Up: "She Gimme Any More Lip, You Gonna Have to Call Me Jagger" (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: "My Best Man Was Her Daddy's Shotgun" (Rajiv Suri, Washington) Fourth Runner-Up: "Why Don't We Get Drunk and (Thud)" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) [Table] Third Runner-Up: "I Knifed the Forklift Driver 'Cause He Was Spoonin' With You" (submitted posthumously for Somerby Dowst by his loving nephew Rich Inman, Reston) Second Runner-Up: "Won't You Be My Ballantine?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up:"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And The Winner of the Beano Windbreaker: "Lovin' You Clogged My Arteries With Your Big Fat Lies, Then You Bypassed My Heart for Some Other Guy" (Lois and Tony Roisman, Washington) Honorable Mentions: "Stand by Your Dog" (Paul Styrene, Olney) "You Left Me in a Ditch, Brokenhearted and Infected, You Giraffe-Hunting Bastard" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) "I Stagger the Line" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Fancy Garbage-Truck Drivin' Man" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "You Stole My Heart, but Lojack Found It" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Like a Rolling Home" (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) "You're as Sweet as Tupelo Honey on My Spam" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "I May as Well Be Gay If You're Not Straight With Me" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "They Say Our Love's Illicit, but I'm Still Prayin' for a Conjugal Visit"(Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) "(Our Love Is So Hot) You're Meltin' Nadine's Tattoo off My Butt" (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) "A Replacement Player Hit a Home Run With My Cheatin' Wife" (Russ Beland, Springfield) "I Fought the Dog, and the Dog Won" (Ian & Melissa Fossberg, Washington) "I Wanted His Truck, but All I Got Was the Dipstick" (Philip D. Delduke, Bethesda) "My Man Is Up in Lorton and His Boyfriend's Name Is Norton." (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) "If I Were a Dog I Wouldn't Sniff Your Cheatin' Butt" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "You're the Missing Link in My Chain Saw, and I Just Can't Cut It No More" (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.) "She Swore She'd Be Faithful but There's WD-40 on the Zipper of Her Jeans" (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville) "My Love for You Is Bigger Than My Prostate" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last: "If You Ever Leave Me, Take the Mongoose With You" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) NEXT WEEK: What's Wrong With These Pictures ====================================================================== WEEK 102, published February 26, 1995 Week 102: HELP! I'M A PRISONER IN THIS CONTEST You will win the lottery, and then die. Your lucky numbers are 12, 23, 9, 38, 17 and 40. This restaurant never serves cat meat. To our knowledge. You must find the jade monkey to save the Pu Ping Dynasty. Report from Week 99, in which you were asked to find what was wrong with any of three pictures. * Third Runner-Up: (Picture A) Although the tuba is stuffed with a man's torso, the little notes indicate that the player is making musical sounds somehow. You people are absolutely disgusting.(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) * Second Runner-Up (Picture B) No pitchfork. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up (Picture B): I never really cared for Hillary's personal style during the Arkansas years. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * And the winner of the copper outhouse music box: (Picture B) After having posed 30 straight days for the great artist, the woman seemed serene and surprisingly free of infections. (George Wills, Blacksburg) Picture A: There is a pig flying. As the Style Invitational has yet to show a sign of good taste, pigs should not have flown yet. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel) The newsboy cannot be selling The Washington Post, because the headline would be "Feds Register Concern Over Beverage Ramifications." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Picture B: It's a brilliant forgery, but to fool the experts it should be a bit larger. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Fashion no-no: Failure to accessorize. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Leonardo da Vinci could not have painted a portrait of J. Edgar Hoover since da Vinci died a few hundred years before Hoover was even BORN. (Russ Beland and Jerry Pannullo, Springfield) Insert credit line to avoid artist's lawsuit: By Leonardo da Vinci for The Washington Post. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Picture C: The cabbie in the lower right-hand corner speaks fluent English (Kurt Beals, Staunton) No one has any feet. Shoe City would have folded months ago. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And Last: (All pictures) They're damp, smeared and torn. You tell the delivery person to wrap my Sunday paper in one of those damn plastic bags or I cancel my subscription. (John Kammer, Herndon) Next Week: The Joke's On You ====================================================================== WEEK 103, published March 5, 1995 Week 103: Send Help. 1. Sit in the Speaker's Chair, $10. Sit in the Speaker's lap, $ 5. 2. Seek corporate sponsorship for the monuments. Who could object to "The Bic Washington Monument" or "The Ford Lincoln Memorial"? 3. Declare "crack" a commodity. Start trading futures on the open market. This Week's Contest was suggested by Larry Hinders, of Fredericksburg, who wins a nun-motif snow globe. Larry proposes that you come up with ways to raise badly needed cash for the District of Columbia. (Ideas can require cooperation by the federal government, on federal property.) First-prize winner gets a tasteful pencil holder made from the hoof and ankle of an elk, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 103, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The first person who correctly identifies Forsyth P. Jones wins a T-shirt. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 100, in which we asked you to retell any of these jokes in the style of someone famous. Joke 1: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then another ostrich lopes by and says, "Say, where is everybody?" Joke 2: A reporter comes up to four diplomats and asks them, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?" The American says, "What is a shortage?" The Russian says, "What is meat?" The Iraqi says, "What is an opinion?" And the Frenchman says, "What is 'excuse me'?" Joke 3: "My dog has no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" "He stinks!" Third Runner-Up -- Joke 3, told by Rep. Dick Armey: My fag has no nose. What? What's wrong? I said dog. My dog has no nose. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: -- Joke 2, as told by "The McLaughlin Group": WELCOME TO "THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP." BUT FIRST LARRY WANTS TO TELL A JOKE! Thanks, John. I want to tell a joke before we ... WELL, WHAT'S THE JOKE? Uh, okay. Here it is. A reporter went to Washington one day, and ... HURRY UP, LARRY! ...and he met four diplomats. So he walked up to them, and said, "Excuse me, what's your opinion ..." GET TO THE PUNCHLINE NOW, LARRY! Okay, and the Frenchman said, "What is 'excuse me'?" I DON'T GET IT, LARRY! Well, John, there's always been a view of the French as being rude, and ... THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BEING RUDE!(Mark Murray, Arnold) -- First Runner-Up -- Joke 3, as told by Aldrich Ames: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? The runes are cast in August and the roses are in bloom. I want my money. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the Treetops Singer: Joke 3, as told by the Watergate conspirators: RN: Okay, John, could you talk to Kleindienst about ... JE: Yeah, we have to check with [unintelligible] to see if ... HRH: Yeah, that dog. It didn't appear as if that dog ... RN: Stupid dog, getting in the way like that ... JM: There was something wrong with it, it didn't appear ... JE: Didn't appear to be [unintelligible] quite right ... HRH: Nose, yeah. There was something about the nose ... JM: Didn't, ah. JM: Didn't have one. RN: Yeah, don't, don't they ... HRH: Yeah, need them [unintelligible]. Dogs smell things. RN: Stupid dog. JM: How do you think it ... JE: How would it ... HRH: Smell pretty [expletive deleted] bad. RN: We better cover this up. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions: Joke 1, as told by Wilt Chamberlain: A herd of ostriches is standing in the desert when the scent of a lion wafts by. They bury their heads in the sand. Then, I walk by and see all these ostriches with their heads in the sand, and the thought rushes through my mind, "Wow! This is going to do wonders for my average!" (Bernard Davis, Chevy Chase) Joke 3, as told by Newt Gingrich: Some dogs don't want noses. They prefer to have them cut off. (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Sharon Pratt Kelly: A reporter walks up to Connie Chung, Bill Clinton and Marion Barry and she says, "Off the record, I was hoping to get some opinions about Mrs. Gingrich's statement that the first lady is a bitch." Chung says, "What is 'off the record?' " Clinton says, "What do you mean, bitch? That's no bitch, that is my wife." And Barry says, "What do you mean by 'hoping to get some'?" (Chris Stelzig, Silver Spring) Joke 3, as told by Jesse Jackson: So it's time to quit complaining about the olfactory, and start opening some new factories . . . (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Howard Stern: A stuttering reporter walks up to four diplomats -- a Russian, an American, a Frenchman and an Iraqi -- and he asks them how big their wee-wees are and did they ever fart at an important meeting. Then I get a million dollars. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg) Joke 2, as told by Saddam Hussein: A reporter walks up to four people in the street and asks what they think of current living conditions. "Living conditions are terrible," says the first man, who is immediately shot dead. "Things are getting better," said the second man, who is also shot dead. The third man looks tentatively around and says, "Things are pretty good these days," and he, too, is shot dead on the spot. To save time, the fourth man is shot dead before he can speak. That's what happens to people who speak to reporters. (John Kammer, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Keith Richards: So there's three gents, all from different countries. Diplomatic sorts, or some such. And they're standing around chatting about this or that. (Pauses to light cigarette. Glances around, confused.) Did I just say something? (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Joke 1, as told by Jerry Seinfeld: Ever notice that a lion has a scent that wafts? Why is that? My scent doesn't waft. It just sits there. No wafting. Just sitting. I tried wafting my scent, but I pulled a muscle . . . (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Joke 2, as told by Henry Foster: A reporter walks up to a diplomat. Well, actually, it was more than one diplomat, it was four, or maybe more than four, but certainly fewer than a dozen. Okay, a reporter walks up to no more than 39 diplomats . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; also, Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Joke 3, as told by Cmdr. Data from "Star Trek: The Next Generation": My dog has no nose and does not smell very well because of this condition. I do not understand why this is funny. (Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Joke 3, as told by Jeffrey Dahmer: My dog has no nose. How does he smell? Delicious, but I think I'll leave him in the microwave another minute. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Joke 2, as told by the Czar of the Style Invitational: A reporter walks up to four of his colleagues at the Simpson trial and asks them, "Do you think that the bloody socks the police found in the mansion will be enough to tip the scales?" The reporter from The Washington Post says, "No way, it is inadmissible evidence." The reporter from the National Enquirer says, "Who cares, everyone knows O.J. is guilty." The reporter from the Village Voice says, "It's a disgrace, one man living in a house like that when millions are homeless." And the reporter from the Charlestown, W.Va, Mail-Express says, "What are socks?"(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: There Was No Contest. Or Was There? ====================================================================== WEEK 104, published March 12, 1995 WEEK 104: HERE, DOGGEREL Pete Rose Sat on a tack Pete rose. Gary Hart Met Donna Rice Gary (heart symbol) Lorena Bobbitt, Take this knife and Lorena, bob it. This week, The Style Invitational enters its Terrible Twos. We confess that when we began this undignified little feature, we never anticipated it lasting this long. Three weeks, tops. Apparently, though, neither Donald nor Katharine Graham has discovered it yet. PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM. Thank you. On to This Week's Contest: Remember the double dactyl, the poetry form so sophisticated we said it was to the limerick what Thomas Jefferson was to a head louse? Well, today we propose a form of poetry so dumb that it is to the limerick what Nick-L-Nips are to Taittinger blanc de blancs. The contest was proposed by Jim Barnes of Leesburg in loving memory of his father, James A. Barnes Sr., the inventor of this poetry form. Jim Jr. wins some plastic snot. Jim Sr. may well have been a major intellectual, a Nobel laureate for all we know, holder of the modern Olympic record in the combined Nordic event, and the danged finest dad ever to walk the Earth, but from now on he will be publicly remembered only as the creator of poems so bad they thud. Here are the rules: There are three lines. The first line must be a name and only a name. The second line can be as long or as short as you wish. The third line must sound the same as the first line, using the name as a verb or some other part of speech. First-prize winner gets a really ugly plaster statuette of Bill Clinton playing the sax, a value of $65. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 104, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Bill LeWarne of Gaithersburg wins the T-shirt for being the first to correctly identify Forsyth P. Jones as (PICTURE OF JUGHEAD). Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 101, in which we printed a blank space, with no contest directions at all. A little intimidating, no? Mary Z. Darne of Arlington wrote in to say it reminded her of the college philosophy class where the final exam essay question was, "What is courage?" and the only grade of A went to a student whose answer, in its entirety, was: "This is." Basically, there were two reasonable ways of interpreting this contest: Either we were inviting you to fill in the white space with something funny, or we were inviting you to caption the white space itself. Almost everyone chose option two, which was easier but far less creative. The best of these: Fifth Runner-Up: A lack-of-imagination test to see how many entrants say, "A polar bear in a snowstorm." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: Two polar bears in a snowstorm. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) and; Third Runner-Up: Mayor Barry's "Contract With Ward 3." (Mike Finigan, Crownsville) But the better entries saw the contest as an open-ended challenge: Second Runner Up: I had to get up at 8:15 a.m., so to be sure I woke up, I set the alarm allowing for a seven-minute snooze period, so that the second time the alarm went off, it would be at precisely 8:15. I woke up very tired at the first buzz. When I am really tired, I sometimes wake up not knowing what the buzzing is, and I lie in bed wondering what that noise is. This was one such morning. So, I decided I should see what time it is. For some reason, instead of reading "8:08" on the clock's face, I saw the name Bob. I flopped back into bed. "Great," I thought. "There's a strange noise in my room, and my alarm clock says `Bob.' " I watched the clock for a full minute (until it became Bo9), before it dawned on me.(Julie Mangin, Silver Spring; Julie wins a second t-shirt for a hilarious entry too revolting to be published on any planet inhabited by sentient beings.) [Editor's Note: When Julie was admitted to the Facebook Group Style Invitational Friends in November of 2020, the revolting entry was finally revealed: "MANGIN'S LAW: Fart happens a lot more than shit does."] First Runner-Up: Since the wide open white space reminds me of a close-up of a nurse's backside, I am assuming you wanted entrants to acknowledge that hospitals have boring names, and to come up with better ones. Here are my examples: the Bone and Moan, the Golden Bedpan, Doc Side, and Enema of the People. (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) And the Winner of the Oliver Hardy dummy: Lessee, Week 101, in which we were to both propose our own contest and then present what should be the winning entry. The Contest: "Prepare a Washington Post headline for any event or story in the Bible." The Winning Answer: Job Outlook Grim (Allan Grady, Alexandria) Honorable Mentions The wit and wisdom of the Sage of Woodbridge, Vol. II, the Non-Potty Years. (Craig Conrath, Alexandria) My entry, after being altered for reasons of taste, appropriateness or humor. (Don Maclean, Burke, also Mary Z. Darne, Arlington) This must be a contest to guess how many people will enter the contest, right? Okay, I guess 600,000 people. And assuming there are no other entrants, I am the winner! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The Bill of Rights as amended by Strom Thurmond. (Levi Goldfarb, Temple Hills) The proper pronunciation of (Prince symbol). (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Shadow Senator Jesse Jackson, at high noon. (Bradford A. Jewett, Washington) Rorschach didn't laugh when his colleagues filled the bottle with disappearing ink. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Gene Shalit loves Week 101! It's a winner! It's fabulous! Blanks for a great contest! (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) What if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, and they use the pulp to make paper for the Style Invitational 101? (John Davey, Oakton) What is the name of that spray? I would like to use it on some other columns. (Papan Devnani, Arlington) This is obviously another one of those pictures of Sharon Stone tearing off my clothes. (David Siltman, Gaithersburg) Nostradamus prediction No. 982: The release of "The Brady Bunch Movie" brings the Style Invitational to a grinding halt. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Occam's Hanky. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) While Bil Keane is on vacation, young Billy (age 7) depicts the brimming well from which his daddy draws his "Family Circus" ideas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) My repressed memories of the week of the double dactyls. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the opposite of (black square)? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) I am glad The Post finally got my order right. One Sunday Post, hold the Invitational. (Eddie Sacks, Silver Spring) The naughty Style Invitational is given a "timeout" by The Post. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I find the blank Week 101 is the perfect hue and makes excellent wallpaper. Please send me another 10,000 copies. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The person formerly known as Michael Dukakis. (Denise Romano, Annandale) If the Style section ever does a feature on me, what I hope it looks like. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Did you know that Betty Rubble is not included in the Flintstones Vitamins? Really. It's an outrage. The company that manufactures them has gone on record that "when reduced to tablet size, Betty is indistinguishable from Wilma." Bullhockey. First of all, their hairstyles are quite different. Much more different than, say, Fred's and Barney's. Dino is a vitamin, even Fred's car is a vitamin. Where's Betty? This is the feminist issue of the 1990s. (Julie Mangin, Silver Spring) The white cells of the immune system of The Post finally begin to attack the Style Invitational. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: One Sunday, I got a Style Invitational entry printed and (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) didn't. This is the resulting picture of Hell freezing over. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 105, published March 19, 1995 Week 105: Good Idea, Bad Idea Good Idea: Buy low, sell high. Bad Idea: Buy low, sell drunk. Good Idea: A personal philosophy that teaches the virtue of self-sacrifice. Bad Idea: A personal philosophy that teaches the virtue of human sacrifice. This Week's Contest was suggested by Arthur C. Adams of Laurel, who stole it from the Fox Network's Animaniacs cartoons. Arthur wins the keys to a 1995 Isuzu Trooper. Just the keys, not the car. Hey, he stole the idea. The contest is to come up with Good Ideas and then to convert them to Bad Ideas through slight changes in wording. First-place winner gets a fabulous prize donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Barry: a copy of Dan Quayle's book, "Standing Firm," autographed by Quayle. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 105, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 102, in which you were asked to come up with Chinese fortune cookie fortunes you would like to see. Many common themes this week: Rat/spaniel/cat/hamster as "the other white meat." Also, several people seemed to think it necessary to note that "won ton" is "not now" spelled backward. But mostly, we would like to comment on the widespread assumption that the mere mention of the words "Pu Pu Platter" would guarantee a prize. There seems to be a misconception that this contest is scatologically oriented, a contention we find ludicrous and insulting. Crude humor will find no sanctuary in a place as dignified as The Washington Post Stool Section. Style Section. Fourth Runner-Up: If Newt wrote this it would be worth $4 million. (Don Maclean, Burke) Third Runner-Up: Help! I am being held hostage in a Chinese fortune cookie factory, so I'm putting my hair into the batter to alert people. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Second Runner-Up: A Penny Saved Is a Penny Earned. Copyright (C) 1995 Chinese Proverbs Inc., Shanghai. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this fortune may be reproduced in any way without express written permission from the publisher. (Edward Roeder, Washington; also, George Wills, Blacksburg) First Runner-Up: We riked you Chinee waiter imitation. Hope you riked speciar soup we fix fol you. (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg; also, Jean Sorenson, Herndon) And the winner of the feathered maracas:(Bazooka Joe Cartoon.) Honorable Mentions: You are witty, wise and handsome. But of course, if I knew from squat, would I be writing fortune cookies for a living? (Paul Alter, Hyattsville) Your suspicions are groundless. We are (crossed out) The CIA is not following you. (Donald H. Heitman, Arlington) Even vegetarians live off death. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) He who leaves job unfinished (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Date and meal have much in common. Very much dog. (Mike Flannery, Herndon) Save this slip in case you need to use the rest room. (Steve Bienstock, Rockville; also, Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Howard Stern (click) (Paul Styrene, Olney) RTANT: Time to Change Roll of Fortunes In Cookie Machine IMPORTANT: Time t (Maureen Flaherty, Springfield) Much fun, fun, fun will be had until the Thunderbird automobile is repossessed by the father of her. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Shitake happens (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) Made in Occupied Japan. (Robert Pack, Bethesda) You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products. (Lori Cullen, Arlington) You have been shattered into many pieces, which will be picked up and devoured by a fat pig. Oh, wait. That's my fortune. (Lori Cullen, Arlington) The poison you just ingested . . . (continued on next cookie.) (Scott Kane, Reston) Just for grins, blow a dog whistle next to the kitchen. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) I write for fortune cookies too. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (Wendell Wagner, Jr., Greenbelt) Important! Handle with care! Do not open. In the event of cookie rupture, contact (ideographs) (Steve Ahart, Sterling) When I grow up, I want to be a Reader's Digest joke. (Edward F. Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Daed si laup. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Medical Instruments Inc. IUD Demonstrator Model No. 14B63. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Did you really think we could share even one aspect of our complex, millenia-old culture in a simple aphorism? (Diane Smith, Oakton) You may think you are smart, but you are no Epstein. (Shirlee Weingarten, Sarasota, Fla.) You will be "partially devoured" by lions. (Ralph T. Webb, Washington) Our fortune cookies have been carbon dated for freshness. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honey, the lo mein is in the bluish-green tub and our fishing worms are in the greenish-blue tub. See you tonight. (Steve Ahart, Sterling) ====================================================================== WEEK 106, published March 26, 1995 Week 106: Drawing Conclusions Who are these people, and what are they doing? Choose one or more. First-prize winner receives a crushed velvet, bejangled jester's cap, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 106, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 103, in which we asked for solutions to the District's financial woes. One of our favorite entries was from Jean Sorenson of Herndon, who wins some complimentary Beano products we happen to have around the office. Jean's idea might actually work -- if not as a revenue source for the city, certainly for some enterprising thug. We offer it here, free of charge: Set up a downtown concession stand where tourists can have their pictures taken with an actual Washington felon. He could hold up his mug shot! Fifth Runner-Up: Have city workers spill coffee on themselves at area McDonald's. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fourth Runner-Up: Reopen Dick Nixon's bowling alley in the White House. Charge only a buck a game, but really gouge 'em for the shoes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Change the city's name to The Shops at Washington Gables, at District of Columbia Acres. This will attract a more well-to-do element. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Second Runner-Up: For $25, you can add your signature to the Declaration of Independence. (Bruce Gersh, Bethesda) First Runner-Up: Convince Herbert Haft that leaving all his money to the city would really screw his family. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And the winner of the elk hoof pencil holder: Marion Barry should ask the governor of West Virginia if he has two tens for a five. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: Charge the State of Washington royalties for using the name. $722 million ought to cover it. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Require all 45,000 District employees to pick up their checks at the Bureau of Traffic Adjudication, in person, each Friday between 3 and 4 p.m. Require all checks to be cashed at the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs between 4 and 5 p.m. The District keeps the uncashed checks. (Harry Chernoff, Great Falls) Get people to stop saying "Murder Capital of the World" like it's some kind of bad thing. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) The sound that Metro trains make when their doors close? Change it to sponsors' melodies. (Example: Old chime -- ding-dong. New chime -- "Come see the softer side of Sears." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Hire Shapiro, Bailey and Cochran to prove the city is not in debt. (Vance Greer, Sterling; also, Gordon Labow, Bowie) Advertise a "How to Avoid D.C. Scam Artists" course through the Learning Annex. Take the money and run. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Cut Lincoln out of his chair in the memorial. A chair that big has to have at least $1 million in loose change rolling around in the cushions. (Kevin Cuddihy, Blacksburg) Announce that the District will never charge anybody taxes, ever. As soon as enough people move in, raise taxes to 90 percent. When people begin to leave, abolish all taxes. Keep doing this until they get wise. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) A new product: Start marketing Mayor Barry's own "I Can't Believe It's Not Crack" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Change the Pick 3 numbers game to Pick 3 Letters, but don't change the payoff odds. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Let several thousand giraffes loose in the District. Charge men a hefty fine when they inevitably respond to their primal urge to hunt them. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Point out that before continental drift, France was part of the District, and fine the French for illegal secession. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Install coin-operated turnstiles in halfway houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Start charging people to urinate on Metro elevators. Stop giving it away. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Set up a dunking booth featuring Marion Barry and Sharon Pratt Kelly and let citizens "vote" for who caused the deficit. (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) The city should bring its lunch to work instead of eating out all the time. (John Kammer, Herndon) Remove the brakes from the Washington Monument elevators and turn them into "George Washington's Tower of Terror." (Ken Paisner, Woolcott, N.Y.) And Last: Okay, follow my logic here. Three salesmen check into a hotel and get one room for $60, each paying $ 20. Then the semi-honest clerk discovers that the room is only $ 55, so he refunds the salesmen $ 1 each and pockets the $ 2. Now each salesman has paid $ 19 each, which is $ 57 total. Plus, the clerk has $ 2. Where is the missing dollar? This must happen all the time. If D.C. can just figure out where all the dollars go and get a hold of them ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 107, published April 2, 1995 Week 107: Clusters' Last Stand For some time, we have been troubled by the constellations, which were discovered by persons of yore with comical haircuts and names like Theophrastus Bombastus the Lesser, persons in togas who would look heavenward, see, like, six stars in a random cluster, and declare authoritatively that it was "Bodacius the Water Carrier Impaling a Sloth on a Yardarm." Frankly, with the exception of the two dippers, we've never seen any constellation that looked even remotely like what it was supposed to be. So: It is time to reinterpret the constellations. Take an actual star cluster, redraw the lines into a different image, and give it a new name. You may use the constellations above, or any other, but the constituent stars must be accurately placed. The funniest ideas will win. You will not be judged on the quality of your drawing. Hey, if we were all as talented as Mr. Robert Staake of St. Louis, Mo., we would all be gouging The Washington Post for gargantuan fees every time we produced a primitive little sketch that takes, what, roughly nine seconds to draw, which would work out to an approximate salary of $235 million per year for Mr. Robert Staake of the St. Louis, Mo., if he actually spent more than three minutes a day working. Not that we are bitter. Anyway, Mr. Staake will redraw the winning entries, if he can find the time in his busy schedule. First-prize winner receives a red, white and blue stovepipe hat that makes the wearer look like a cross between Uncle Sam and a gibbering street lunatic. Purchased for $ 35, this is the same hat worn with dignity and distinction last week by Washington Post honcho editor Tom Wilkinson as he presided over the famed Post "weekend meeting" to plan coverage of the important global issues such as Chechnya. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 107, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 104, in which you were asked to submit poems of which the first line was a name and the third line was its homonym. This got the highest response total to date. We stopped counting at 9,000 entries. More than 500 people submitted the highly original idea that the Style Invitational should at long last "Chuck" Smith. Third Runner-Up: John Travolta, Everyone thought your career had gone down the John, Travolta.(Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: Idi Amin Dada Beat his kids Idi, a mean dada. (Mark Ross, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: CBS Gave us Connie Chung, and now we must See B.S. (Roger Bea, Vienna) And the Winner of the Bill Clinton statuette: (Prince symbol) Joined an orchestra percussion section. The conductor assigned The cymbal for the artist formerly known as Prince. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Bill Clinton, After he leaves office, many, many lawyers will Bill Clinton. (Emily E. Manuel, Falls Church) Tori Spelling Actor A-K-T -- um, like -- E-R. Actor. Tori, Spelling. (Julie Stone, Chantilly) U Nu Despite being prime minister of Burma, never, even once, has been listed in the Style Invitational, not even in an honorable mention. You knew? (Richard A. Millstein, Potomac) Gerald Ford Was on the links. Look out! Gerald fored. (Wendy C. Leyes, Chevy Chase) Fauquier County. Oh yeah? Well, (Censored) (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Doc Gooden Says, "Hey, I'm clean." Yeah, Doc. Good 'un. (Mark Holland, Danville, Va.) Socks the cat Is so irritating that his Secret Service agent Socks the cat. (Madi Green, Arlington; also Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Joycelyn Elders. Her straight talk to kids was Jostlin' elders. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The artist formerly known as Prince Lapsed into such obscurity that he became as much "The artist formerly known" as "Prince." (David Smith, Greenbelt) Mickey Spillane Partied one night with Desi Arnaz, whose wife said, "You two better have a damn good reason for rolling home at 4 a.m.," and Desi said, "Honey, chure we do! Um, ah, Mickey, 'splain." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Wes Unseld Was such a bad coach that hundreds of Bullets fans canceled their season tickets. It's appalling how many tickets Wes unselled. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Did you know there was a John Athol, 8th Duke of England, who died in 1942? I'll just eschew a joke here. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fidel Castro Eats so much during trips abroad that his chefs snicker, "Uh-oh, time to Feed 'El Gastro.' " (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) God, If they print this one my friends will treat me like a God. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Anwar Sadat Should pretty well have decomposed by now. Anwar's a dot. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Grover Cleveland Benjamin Harrison, Grover Cleveland (Steve Fahey, Kensington) Dan Quayle Misunderstood the rules of this contest. Dan Rostenkowski (Dave Jenkins, Arlington) Billie Jean King, Desperate for bucks, sold her name to Levi's, now is Billie, "Jean King" (Ellen Dean, Frederick) Magic Johnson (Insert joke here) Magic Johnson (Mark Lesko, Springfield) Prince Charles So indiscreet in your affair with Camilla that you left everything but Prints, Charles. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: e.e. cummings wrote poetry in unconventional formats. (Scooter Krattenmaker, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 108, published April 9, 1995 Week 108: Near Misses "Please take my wife." -- Henny Youngman. "Let us go then, me and you. . . " -- T.S. Eliot "The business of America is pig farming." -- Calvin Coolidge This week's contest was proposed by John Mewshaw of Laurel, who wins a new name. Hahaha. Just kidding. John wins a joy buzzer. John suggests a contest to come up with the discarded first drafts of great lines in history or entertainment or literature; lines that almost made it, but not quite. First-prize winner gets a framed World War II-era poster featuring a Christlike figure astride the Earth. He is holding a monkey wrench. The caption reads: "The Plumber Protects the Health of the Nation." It's worth $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 108, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 105, in which we asked for good idea-bad idea scenarios. But first we wish to once again protest a torrent of crude jokes from people who seem to think this contest dwells in the gutter. Please be advised that the Style Invitational will never stoop to rewarding sophomoric, adolescent humor. Fifth Runner-Up -- Good idea: Shampoo. Bad idea: Shampoop. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up -- Good idea: Wash hands after using toilet. Bad idea: Wash hands using toilet. (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) Third Runner-Up -- Good idea: Taking back the streets of Washington, D.C. Bad idea: Taking the back streets of Washington, D.C. (Steve Hazelton, Reston) Second Runner-Up -- Good idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Jones. Bad idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Ray. (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville) First Runner-Up -- Good idea: In business meetings, express yourself. Bad idea: In business meetings, express your milk. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "Standing Firm" autographed by Dan Quayle: Good idea: Showing pictures of your kids at a private party. Bad idea: Showing pictures of your privates at a kids' party. (Ira Moskowitz, Lanham) Honorable Mentions: Good Idea: Purchase a dog at the pound. Bad idea: Purchase dog by the pound. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) Good idea: Saving the spotted owls. Bad idea: Saving the spotted owls in little plastic baggies in your freezer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Picking up a cent on the sidewalk. Bad idea: Picking up a scent on the sidewalk. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Good idea: Getting into Wharton after high school. Bad idea: Getting into Lorton after high school. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Good idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Bad idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Iraq. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Good idea: Drive right, pass left. Bad idea: Drive right past cop. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Good idea: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Bad idea: Let he who is without insurance pass the first stone. (Rich Milauskas, Laurel) Good idea: Presenting fresh, shiny faces to the teacher each morning. Bad idea: Presenting fresh, shiny feces to the teacher each morning. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Take pride in your work. Bad idea: Take pride in your wart. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bad Idea: Clinton, Gore in '96. Good idea: Clinton, gone in '96. (David Clayton Carrad, Hockessin, Del.) Good idea: Shopping at Food Lion. Bad idea: Being lion food. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Pose for Playboy while you can. Bad idea: Pose for Playboy on the can. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Calling your mother. Bad idea: Calling "You mutha!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Cultivating a staff of competent workers among your underlings. Bad idea: cultivating a staphylococcus among your under-things. (Mike Sharkey, Washington) Good idea: Acquire a foreign tongue. Bad idea: Acquire a foreign tongue in your wedding reception line. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Getting great marks because of your class in "The Social Structure." Bad idea: Getting grate marks because of your class in the social structure. (Tom Albert, Alexandria) Good idea: Yearly mammograms over 50. Bad idea: Over 50 mammograms yearly. (Leslie Marshall and bridge buds, Bethesda) And Last: Good idea: Post humor contest winners. Bad idea: Posthumous contest winners. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Next Week: Drawing Conclusions ====================================================================== WEEK 109, published April 16, 1995 Week 109: Send Us Your Mail Parts From a Norwegian restaurant: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. From an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. From an auto repair shop in Majorca: Here speeching American. Outside a men's-only Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman. In a Tokyo hotel: You are invited to take advantage of chambermaid. Above are allegedly real signs, in comically fractured English, compiled by American travelers in foreign lands. We can't vouch for their authenticity; they were dumped anonymously into our Internet address, but they sure sound right, don't they? We're looking for similarly funny examples of pidgin English that try to say one thing, but actually say something quite different. First-prize winner gets a fabulous book about bodily fluids, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 109, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 106, when we asked you to supply captions to any of four cartoons. Fifth Runner-Up (Cartoon B) -- The Big Apple Dumpling. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Fourth Runner-Up (Cartoon D) -- When olives dream . . . (Martin Lawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up (Cartoon C) -- Of the many personality quirks attributed to the late J. Edgar Hoover, few knew of his crack problem. (Andrew Forin, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- Richardson knew only one reasonable course of action to take after realizing he had tragically mistaken a rectal for an oral thermometer. (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up (Cartoon A) -- In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation, F. Lee Bailey announces his intention to swim the River Styx and personally depose Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And the winner of the bejangled jester's hat:(Pete Clime, Frederick) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A I don't know what this is, but Rush will blame it on Hillary. (Lani Jacobson, Reston) Dan Quayle testing the waters for president . . . (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; also, Margaret Smith, Hyattsville) F. Lee Bailey demonstrates his latest theory that the murders were committed by illegal immigrant frogmen armed with sharpened screwdrivers, who travel via the sewer system and who carry briefcases filled with vials of other people's blood. (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt) H.F. Phillips, inventor of the Phillips-head screwdriver, commits an ironic suicide. (Bruce Evans, Washington) New Republican application procedure for NEA grants. (Kevin Mellema, Washington) Although Cecil's life insurance policy paid double if he were electrocuted in a bathtub, it paid nothing if he drowned. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) The plaintiff later sued the manufacturer of the screwdriver for not including a warning label. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Demonstration of West Virginia microwave. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Cartoon B "No, dammit! The mayor wanted a huge Fourth of July party on Liberty Island." (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) Only rarely does Liberty bend its knees to the throne. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The statue in front of the Federal Regulatory Commission. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) The very first image that pops into Chuck Smith's head when he thinks about America and freedom and the hallowed legacy of our founding fathers. (David W. Long, Kensington) Enema Lazarus heeds her muse. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) If the City ever slept. (John Murphy, Herndon) The replica wasn't exact, but it was cheap, so the town fathers in Wheeling decided to install it in the town square anyway. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Give me your tired, your poop . . . (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; also, Joseph Romm, Washington) Cartoon C This is the woman who tries on swimwear just before you do. (John Kammer, Herndon) The Coppertone Girl plans her comeback. (Paul Styrene, Olney; also, Allen R. Breon, Columbia) Sadie's eating disorder was never more evident than the day she ate her hands and feet. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) One more crack like that and we are going to have to hire another modeling agency. (Bob Weber, Purcellville) Cartoon D Told by Congress what he can do with D.C.'s budget, Marion Barry doesn't even get that right. (Don Maclean, Burke) The defense contractor thought that the Army had ordered Patriotic missiles. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The world's unluckiest sky diver. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Duh the Impaler never gained the notoriety of his brother Vlad. (Bob Weber, Purcellville) The only way to really kill a politician is to drive a Washington Monument through his heart. (Paul Styrene, Olney) A D.C. tourist, victim of the latest in terror, a drive-by monumenting. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Evel Knievel's nearsighted stepchild, Not-So-Bad Knievel, fouls up a motorcycle jump over the Washington Monument. (John Ferguson Jr., Washington) The type of bad thing that can happen when you carelessly say, "Hey, toss me that monument, will ya?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A shake for breakfast and lunch, a sensible dinner and a large monument through the stomach helped me lose 20 pounds! (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Few people know that vampires can also be killed by driving a salt shaker through them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) NEXT WEEK: Cluster's Last Stand. ====================================================================== WEEK 110, published April 23, 1995 Week 110: Do Not Inhale This Page On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss. From a can of pickled herring: Not to be used as a facial astringent. On a Slinky: Do not use as dental floss. On a tub of vanilla Yogurt: This product not recommended as a Spackle substitute. This Week's Contest was suggested by Andrew Cullen of Arlington, who wins Power Lunch, a no-doubt scintillating board game crafted around the theme of Washington lobbying. Andrew came up with his contest idea after he opened a box of Silly Putty and saw a warning that the product should not be used as ear plugs. Andrew assumes this was prompted by fear of a lawsuit. He suggests we come up with absurd warning labels that might be found on other common products. First-prize winner receives a huge Power Ranger pinata, a value of $30, purchased for the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, the woman with a job that Dares Not Speak Its Name. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 110, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 107, in which we asked you to redraw the constellations. But first, some unfinished business. When we last visited Jeanie DeLisi of Sterling and Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, they were just two hapless readers unknown to each other but unfortunate enough to have submitted identical contest ideas the same week; alas, this fueled highly irresponsible published reports that they were an "item." Seeking to put an end to this scurrilous rumor-mongering, the Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads invited readers to submit lyrics to "The Ballad of Jeanie and Kevin." Fifty-five persons responded. The winner was David Smith of Greenbelt, who performed his entry, with instrumentation, and submitted it on tape. David wins the two-foot-high first-prize trophy from the 1980 Washington, D.C., "Tough Gal" competition, whatever the heck that was. His ballad appears below, and a sound bite of his performance is available today on Post Haste. Dial 202-334-9000. The code is 8161. The Ballad of Jeanie & Kevin By David Smith Love never came easy to Jeanie DeLisi, And Kevin was cuddly but shy. Still, her wit bright as sterling Had set his heart whirling When her name in the paper he spied. But Kevin & Jeanie were busy young people With busy young overfilled plates. And their schedules never allowed them the time To go out on an actual date. So he flatters his female by voice mail and e-mail. She downloads a diskful of love. It sure is a rare fax he faxes from Fairfax, All doodled with diamonds and doves. She answers by billboards, by telex and FedEx, By classified ads by the score. And so on it goes till the night he proposes By leaving a note on her door. I won't be forgetting their conference-call wedding With music by touch-tone to hear. And the Faerie's recital of Kahlil Gibran Brought a tear to the eye of the Ear. Their honeymoon trip was the feed from a camera Set up in a Fiji lagoon. And they still haven't met, but they hope to beget Their first child, in vitro, in June. So our fine Faerie Cupid was surely not stupid To try to set up a romance. I guess something solemn can start in a column, Not just at a honky-tonk dance. But still there's a question that needs some digestion Before our fine Faerie can boast: Were Jeanie and Kevin a match made in Heaven Or made in The Washington Post? We are moist with emotion. Now, to the constellations: Second Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Lyra ("The Lyre"). New Constellation: Lyra ("The Liar"). (Milt Eisner, McLean) First Runner-Up: Old Constellation: Libra. New Constellation: The constellation formerly known as Libra (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the Winner of the Uncle Sam hat: Old Constellation: Camelopardus ("The Giraffe"). New Constellation: Necrocamelopardus ("The Dead Giraffe"). (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Old: Columba. New: Columbia, Md. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) Old: Hercules. New: Combo Meal. (Mike Collins, Dale City) Old: Virgo ("The Virgin"). New: Beepus ("The Road Runner"). (Alex de los Reyes, St. Bernadette School, Silver Spring) Old: Draco ("The Dragon"). New: Graco ("The Stroller"). (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Old: Orion ("The Hunter"). New: Simon ("The Senator"). (Don Maclean, Burke) And Last: Old: Leo ("The Lion") New: Mongoose ("The Style Invitational Prize"). (John Kammer, Herndon; also Mark Lesko, Springfield) ====================================================================== WEEK 111, published April 30, 1995 Week 111: Ask Backward V Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot Art Fleming but Not Alex Trebek Pharmacists on Roller Skates Pulp Friction Celebrating the Splendors of Paraguay Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck Tippecanoe and Gephart Too The Hero, Robert McNamara 1) Connie Chung, and 2) Io, the Second Moon of Jupiter Nancy Sinatra on Toast The Bridges of East Brunswick, N.J. Joseph Romm's Underpants This week's contest was occasioned by the passing of Art Fleming, the original host of "Jeopardy!" back during the Johnson administration. Pretend old Art is still with us, in your living room on one of those black-and-white TVs that were as large as Dumpsters but had screens the size of a piece of "spoon-size" Shredded Wheat. Anyway, here are the answers. What are the questions? Do one or more. First-prize winner gets a genuine antique wooden 1964 Bedroom Mood Meter. You hung this item on your bedroom door and, by manipulating plastic arrows, informed your spouse of your degree of personal horniness. This tasteful item of Americana was purchased for $11 but is obviously worth much more. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 111, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. We need new bumper sticker slogans on account of people are sick to death of the two we have. Any ideas? Best two will win drinking ducks and plastic snot. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 108, in which we asked you to come up with bad first drafts of famous lines in history, literature or entertainment. We hate to be gratuitously nice, but your answers were spectacularly good. Clapclapclapclapclapclap. Seventh Runner-Up: "Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Adolf." -- Beatrix Potter (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg)Sixth Runner Up: "I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. And believe me, senator, you're no friend of mine." -- Lloyd Bentsen (Paul Moran, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: (The sheet music from Beethoven's 5th, with the final note being a sharp) Ludwig Van Beethoven (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) Fourth Runner-Up: "A rose is a rose, of course, of course." -- Gertrude Stein (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: "And God saw that it was scrumdiddlyumptious." Genesis 1:10 (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: "The Giants win the NLCS! The Giants win the NLCS!" -- Russ Hodges (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First Runner-Up: "You know how to whistle, don't you? Juthst thtick two fingerth in your mouf like thith and blow." -- Lauren Bacall (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) And the winner of the World War II Plumber poster: "We hold these truths to be, like, Duuuh. . . ." -- Thomas Jefferson (Joseph Romm, Washington)(Note: Mr. Romm has now won first prize for two consecutive weeks, the first time anyone has done this, according to the Official Style Invitational Historian, Elden Carnahan of Laurel. If Mr. Romm wins next week, we shall be forced to publish photographs of him in his underpants.) Honorable Mentions: "The sled I had when I was a kid." -- Charles Foster Kane (Joseph Romm, Washington) "I want to hold your second mortgage." -- Lennon/McCartney (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "Where have you gone, Joe Garagiola?" -- Simon and Garfunkel (Joe Anderson, Alexandria) "Four more years! Or less if events force an early resignation!" -- 1972 Nixon supporters (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Johnny's Heeeeeeeeeeere." -- Ed McMahon (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) "Good night." -- Gracie Allen (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) "How do I love thee? Let me get back to thee on that ..." -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (George Friedman, Towson) TRUMAN DEFEATS DEWEY -- The Chicago Tribune (Gary Dawson, Arlington) "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and phlegm." -- Churchill (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Je suis un Berlinois" -- John F. Kennedy (Michael Connaghan, Silver Spring) (Hamlet, in Russian) -- But at the last minute, Will Shakespeare decides to write Hamlet in English. (Gil Renberg, Arlington) "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ Did gyre and gimble in the vabe ..." -- Lewis Carroll. (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) (eye symbol) Love N.Y. (Bruce Brothers, Alexandria) "There is a hemorrhoid growing on the presidency." -- John Dean (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Brevity is without doubt considered by many to be the soul of that attribute commonly considered 'wit.'" -- William Shakespeare (Elliot Greene, Silver Spring) "Watson, help! I spilled something on my crotch!" -- Alexander Graham Bell (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "Bark!" -- Sandy (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "I float like a butterfly and sting like a really, really angry butterfly ..." -- Muhammad Ali (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) "Get a grip, Virginia." -- The New York Sun (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) "Who's on first?" "Gehrig" "Oh." -- Abbott and Costello. (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg; also, Eric Ehrenberg, Washington) "Get the Cheez Whiz." -- Marlon Brando, in "Last Tango in Paris" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) "This nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of sending a man -- 'Bang! Zoom!' right to the moon." -- John F. Kennedy (Mike Collins, Dale City) "This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a kind of low whining sound." -- T.S. Eliot. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Hey, Judge Ito, you mook, whatsamatta fo' you?" -- Sen. Al D'Amato. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "And that's the way it is. You got a problem with that, buttface?" -- Walter Cronkite (David M. King, Washington) "This is your brain. And this is your brain in a frying pan..." (K. C. Bahry, Gaithersburg) "'Tis a far, far, far, far, far, FAR better thing I do than I have ever done ..." -- Charles Dickens (Paul Moran, Falls Church) "E equals mc with a little 2 up in the air next to the c." -- Einstein (Bob Schlosser, Herndon) "I am SHOCKED! Shocked to find that some credit cards charge interest from the day of purchase!" -- Capt. Renault (Albert Diaz, Rockville) (signed) John Q. Hancock -- (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Next Week: Send Us Your Mail Parts ====================================================================== WEEK 112, published May 7, 1995 Week 112: Poop Fiction From a Science Fiction Potboiler: "The surface of the planet was forbidding, with the general color and texture of sour cream that had been kept well beyond its optimum 'sell-by' date ..." This Week's Contest is to come up with the opening lines of a book so bad it will compel you to stop reading immediately. Maximum 50 words. Be sure to indicate the genre of the book (gothic romance, celebrity biography, etc). The contest was proposed by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who we are pretty sure stole it from an old New York Magazine Competition, though we are not prepared to make that allegation officially at this time. Jessica wins a pirate flag. It must be noted that Jessica has now "hit for the cycle;" that is, she has 1) won a contest outright, 2) been a runner-up, 3) received an honorable mention and 4) proposed a contest idea that has been accepted. The only Style Invitational milestone she has yet to achieve is to be mentioned by name in someone else's winning entry. More on this as it develops. First-prize winner receives a festive baseball cap with long stringy gray hair attached, making the wearer look like an extremely colorful person with dubious personal hygiene. It is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 112, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Still accepting entries for new slogans for the Style Invitational bumper sticker. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 109, in which we asked you for funny examples of fractured English. But first, a confession. We failed to indicate whether we wanted made-up examples of unfortunate foreign-sounding efforts at English (which we did, but which proved hugely difficult to execute cleverly) or real examples of bad English you have seen in your travels (which we didn't, but which proved much funnier than anything you could make up). So those real ones are the winners, despite some worthy fictional efforts by Elden Carnahan of Laurel ("Our staff goes out with trash every night!"), John Kammer of Herndon ("Fine to not flush after using toilet"), Robin D. Grove of Washington ("Do not consume if your date has expired"), Jerry Pannullo of Chevy Chase ("Dogs must walk on tightropes") and Karyn LaCroix of Wheaton: ("Bus driver will not stop unless buzzed"). All the rest of the items below are real, or purportedly real. Most were accompanied by photographs or photocopies, or were otherwise verified. Third Runner-Up, on a menu in Ljubljana, Slovenia: "Beef broth with home-made insertion ... 30c" "Serbian spit ... 65c"(Don J. Donchi, Potomac) Second Runner-Up, under Fish and Seafood selections on a menu of the Bae Lu Restaurant in Liaoning Province, People's Republic of China: "Juicy Yellow River Crap" (A.J. Richardson, Waynesboro, Va.) First Runner-Up: A sign on a cable car in Fengdu, China: "For your safety the following people don't take the cable car please: "1. Drunkard. "2. Neuropath, idiot and easily dizzy people. "3. Very old and deformed man whose action is unconvenient." (Marian Sullivan, Silver Spring) And the Winner of the book on bodily fluids: In a letter I received from Russia after visiting my pen pals: "Going home, we were speaking of you and thinking of warm meet." (Cissie Owen, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: From a doorway in Seoul: "NOTICE: No more whore house! In the future we try to be laundry house. Thank you." (Allan Galfund, Chevy Chase) From a sign in the garden of a Thai temple at Chang Mai: "Handsome is as handsome dogs" (Jimmie Market, Warrenton) From a brochure for a small Russian airline: "Any failure to keep an order and infringement of on-board regulations may cause unpredictable consequences. Crew's actions to suppress the possible incident will be urgent and drastic up to fulfillment of the expensive forced landing. Besides the juridical consequences, infringer will be obliged to pay an impressive fine to compensate the waste." (Rick and Nancy Grimes, Bowie) On a shopping bag from a curio shop in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico: "We have the best variety of curious form all over the contrary." (Michael Martin Mills, Philadelphia) From a Chinese restaurant in Florence: "Spring volls; Fried toast with springs; Za za soup with park filet; Fans soup with chicken; Za zai with bear cuva soup; Veal with green popers; Dessert vools." (Mikko Aurela, Arlington) From a menu at a Chinese restaurant in Italy: "Chopped Suzy." (Maria Wainer Yaffe, Silver Spring, who notes: "We assume they meant Chop Suey, but ordered another dish, anyway.") Outside a Freiburg, Germany, bakery: "Get your buns in here." (Kevin Wolf, Arlington) And Last: From the YMCA in Huntington, W.Va., circa 1980: "Please do not leave stools in showers." (Bob Sprague, Alexandria) Next Week: Do Not Inhale This Page ====================================================================== WEEK 113, published May 14, 1995 Week 113: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Score Quick to Proud of It and name the foal Wilt the Stilt Breed GH's Pleasure to Rice and name the foal Monkey Business Breed Shimmering Prince to Hyroglyphic and name the foal Shimmering (prince symbol) This week's contest was proposed by Michael J. Hammer of Washington. Michael wins a poster of famous outhouses. He suggests that we take a list of horses nominated to the Triple Crown races this year (the list is printed below), choose any two, and propose a name for their offspring. (Ignore the actual gender of the horses, since most are male. Following official racing rules, you cannot exceed 18 letters and spaces, total, for a horse's name.) This is an old game among horse breeders: According to Michael, one guy bred a stallion named Banquet Table to a mare named Cold as a Witch, and named the foal "Titular Feast." First-prize winner gets a genuine official wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 113, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is reliably informed that New York radio personality Don Imus last week referred to The Style Invitational and its readers as "lame," and flatly prohibited any participant in this contest from ever appearing on his show. Normally we would ignore such a trivial matter; Don Imus flatly refusing to let Style Invitational readers on his show is kind of like a bowl of poop flatly refusing to be served at Lutece, but it occurred to us that possibly our lame-o readers might wish to respond more directly to Mr. Imus. As a sign of respect, come up with the nicest thing one can truthfully say about Don 'Imus in the Morning' Imus. Not that we really care whether you enter, but the best entry gets five Style Invitational loser's t-shirts. Five. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up. Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata: On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas) On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington) On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg) On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield) On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On Odor Eaters:_ Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. ) On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon) On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington). A Wicked Brew; Absolute Appeal; Adams Trail; Afternoon Deelites; Ago; Ali Baba; American Day; Amos; Another Great One; Arctic Explosion; Baby Crypto; Bay City; Beepbeep Zip Bang; Berry Honest; Bet Your Bucks; Bick; Blackballed; Blizzard; Brinks Job; Broadway Bullet; Bungee Jumper; Bushwacker; Cabaret Dude; Cairo Express; Call Chris; Cape Doctor; Car Dealer; Cast Fast; Cherokee Saga; Chimes Dancer; Cinch; Cliff's Hope; Cobra Gold; Colonial Secretary; Composer; Copy Editor; Count Time; Criminal Bundle; Crimson; Cryptic Bid; Cure The Jinx; Danny's Crown; Dazzling Falls; De Niro; Definite Article; Delta Dash; Devil's Brew; Devious Course; Disapproved; Dixie Dynasty; Dodge City; Don'tmesswithtex; Double Up; Easily Moved; Elusive Groom; Evanston; Everlasting Hope; Forested; Fort Wayne; French Deputy; Fritz; G H's Pleasure; Gadzook; Gaily Gold; Ghostly Moves; Go Gary Go; Gold Facts; Gold Miner; Gold Trail; Golden Legend; Grecian God; Handsome Devil; Hare Raising; He's Got Gall; Hidden Source; High Stakes Player; Houston Connection; Houston Sunrise; Hunt For Missouri; Hunting Hard; Hyroglyphic; Imus; I'm Lucky; In Character; Indian Wedding; Investor; Iron Willed; Jambalaya Jazz; Jealous Crusader; Journey Together; Joy Drive; Judgement Day; Jump The Shadow; Kan't Stop Kris; Key Guy; King Heir; King James; Larry The Legend; Last Effort; Law Of The Sea; Lawyer Referral; Legal Eagle; Letthebigcajundoit; Lonely Capote; Make Your Choice; McReality; Michael's Star; Momentous Code; Motivated Genius; Mountain of Laws; Mr. Purple; My Friend Max; Mystical Canyon; Native Tribe; Northern Creek; Nostra; Nuclear Treaty; Off 'n' Away; Oliver Twist; On Target; Once A Sailor; One Mean Man; Onto Luck; Other Intentions; Our Gatsby; Patrick; Paying Dues; Peaks and Valleys; Perfect; Perk Up; Pickles Gap; Picnicker; Playing For Time; Private Rite; Proud Of It; Quiet Deception; Raising Havoc; Ransom's Wind; Real Silk; Remember The Roar; Rice; Rich Man's Gold; River Wanderer; Rush Dancer; Saltminer; Satin Devil; Score Quick; Sea Emperor; Sea ttle Spell; Secret Harbor; Serena's Song; Shah Boom; Shimmering Prince; Sittin Cool; Ski Captain; Snow Kidd'n; Special Guy; Squadron Leader; Star Standard; Stardust Miner; Statesman; Strong Ally; Storm Ashore; Strawberry Wine; Suave Prospect; Supreme Survivor; Surpass; Swiss Asset; Talkin Man; Tejano Run; The Exeter Man; The Horseman; Thunder Gulch; Timber Country; Timeless Honor; Top Account; Trailblazer; Tyson's Revenge; Undeniable; Uptown Bear; Urbane; Valid Advantage; Valid Wager; Visiting Lord; Volatility; Western Echo; Westminster; Wild Escapade; Wild Gump; Wild Syn; World Cup; You're The One. ====================================================================== WEEK 114, published May 21, 1995 Week 114: The Joke's On You Only if Hitler goes first. That's why it's called an ear. "Nah, that was just a New York City cop." No, you idiot. I said a large rabbit. I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for Don Imus. She can't hear you. She's a Democrat. This Week's contest was suggested by Scott McKenzie of Manassas. Scott wins "O.J.'s Legal Pad," a spectacularly irreverent publication purporting to be the defendant's courtroom doodles. Scott suggests that you come up with jokes to culminate in any of the six punchlines above. First-prize winner gets our second genuine wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 114, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits ideas for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Jacob Weinstein of McLean. Winning entrants receive their choice of 1) official mention in this column or, 2) dysentery. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 111, in which you were asked to supply a question to any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers we gave. We thought our answers were so weird we would have to scramble for winners. We were wrong. Great, funny responses. Best question that proved too popular to reward with a prize: Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What are two things that occupy space near a gigantic, ancient bag of gas? Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What two things have less gravity than their partners? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: Whose monthly cycles does nobody really give a damn about? (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot. Question: Who wrote "Murder -- murder, I tell ya, she's killin' me up here! -- in the Cathedral"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up -- Answer: Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck. Question: What code-word euphemisms did Ms. Locklear's agent use in persuading network execs to hire her? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the bedroom mood meter: Answer: The Hero, Robert McNamara. Question: If a big sandwich and Robert McNamara fell overboard, in which order should they be saved? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Nancy Sinatra on Toast. What is diner lingo for aged ham clinging to a Frank with a warm bun? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What was Sam Giancana's threat to Frank Sinatra? (T.N.K. Coughlin, Sterling) What always lands Nancy Sinatra side down, unless it is strapped to the back of a cat? (Jim Pond, Silver Spring) How do Italian delis refer to a hot pastrami sandwich with nothing on it? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What is one lecture more boring than Euell Gibbons on Grape Nuts? (Rick von Behren, Washington) The Hero, Robert McNamara. Name two things the media have been having for lunch lately. (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) What movie could make "Last Action Hero" look like a blockbuster? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What two things are full of baloney? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) How would one formally introduce a Vietnam vet to the former secretary of defense? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia) What sandwich leaves a bad taste in your mouth 20 years later? (Suzanne Barone, Bethesda) Joseph Romm's Underpants. What was the worst-selling superhero underwear? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Sharon Stone's drawers, what item slides in at No. 1? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) What's the only thing that didn't have O.J.'s blood on it? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Art Fleming but Not Alex Trebek. What is an anagram for "Fat Gremlin"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Tippecanoe and Gephardt Too. What is diner lingo for an item that has sold out? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck. Why did the court award the custody of Heather to a duck? (Jeanne and Bruce Barker, Amissville, Va.) Celebrating the Splendors of Paraguay. What slang expression is the Colombian drug cartel's equivalent of "sleeping with the fishes"? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Connie Chung, and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Can you name a satellite, and a dish? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) What are the two coldest objects in the solar system? (Nick D'Amico, Alexandria; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who are the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's biological parents? (Greg Arnold, Herndon) What two things will never be real stars due to their lack of the right substance? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Who is the last person you would want to be left on Earth with, and how far would you go to get away? (Tchaka Owen, Arlington) What are two cold bodies, one of which was discovered by Galileo? (David Morgan, Bethesda) What are two things brighter than Maury Povich? (Brad Blaine Jr., Washington) Pharmacists on Roller Skates. Who was arrested when the FBI busted the latest international drug rink? (Lawrence S. Robins, Washington; William Dunne, Rockville) What do they call drug dealers in Malibu? (Joseph Romm, Washington) What are the trainers of China's Olympic athletes called? (Philip Evans, Annapolis) Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot. Who are the prototype and the author of "The Hollow Men"? (Gary Temple, Bethesda; Joseph Romm, Washington) Who are the last two people Kathie Lee Gifford would sleep with, including corpses? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Can you say "Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot?" (John Kammer, Herndon) Pulp Friction. What happens when we are talking apples and oranges? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Poop Fiction ====================================================================== WEEK 115, published May 28, 1995 Week 115: The Mnemonic Plague Old mnemonic device to remember the colors of the spectrum: "Roy G. Biv." New mnemonic device to remember the colors of the spectrum: "Repent, Orenthal! Your Glamorous Beloved Is Vivisected." This week's contest was suggested by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a picture of a contented, unexploited wild elephant in her extremely natural habitat, pooping. Greg suggests you come up with new mnemonic devices to remember complicated lists. The names of the Supreme Court justices. Planets in the solar system. Countries of Central America. Whatever needs remembering. You don't have to refer to an old mnemonic device; there need not even be one. First-prize winner gets the fabulous spigot illusion, an imitation brass faucet suspended over a glass and seemingly held aloft only by its own stream of liquid, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 115, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still seeking nominations for The Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 112, in which we asked you to come up with the first lines of a book so bad you will put it right down. But first, a hearty Style Invitational thank-you to those many, many alert readers who pointed out primly that this idea, SUBMITTED BY JESSICA STEINHICE OF WASHINGTON, was ACTUALLY stolen from the annual Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. They were shocked to discover we had ripped off an idea, as though this entire contest were not itself a shameless rip-off of the New York Magazine Competition, which was no doubt a rip-off of something else. The marketplace of ideas in America is a giant Thieves' BAZAAR peopled by pickpockets, safecrackers and second-story men. Being shocked by this would be like being shocked that, in the movie, Superman isn't really flying, an analogy we stole from a 1985 article by Dave Barry. Thank you. Several people submitted astoundingly stultifying beginnings from real books. Our favorite was this, submitted by Bob Lieblich of Arlington. It is the opening line of "Thanatopsis," by William Cullen Bryant: "To him who in the love of nature holds/ Communion with her visible forms she speaks/ A various language." Second Runner-Up (from a book about humor): Any attempt to ANALYZE humor is to take a pickax to it. It is like making dead what is alive. It is wringing the neck of a swan. Nevertheless. . . (Roger Gilkeson, Washington) First Runner-Up (from a medieval epic verse): The Wurtling Fezagiol gamboled upon the plee/ With zingled hube;/ And the Zeebloard did pfout/ Amid winnick and ploray/ Whilst I skrote the Turling-Toed Keef/ And the Cloven Drep turned a-queeving./ The Dizzled Yingbore did give way/ To blorthing and glimpering./ After that, things started to get confusing. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) And the winner of the dorky baseball cap with long gray hair: From a children's coloring book: - Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions From a novel written without the letter e: "Oh! Oh!" moans Morris, as his blood runs out of him. "You took all my blood out of my body." "And your plasma, to boot," growls a nasty man with an awl and a pump. As Morris croaks, a big pool of blood drains away into a pail.(Sarah Worcester, Bowie) From a novel written entirely in the letter e: E eeeee eeee ee eeee E eee eeeeee eee. Ee eeeeeee eee, eeeee, ee. Eeeee, ee! Eeee ... (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) From a book on writing: Many people don't write good. Are you 1 of them! (John Kammer, Herndon) From a hard-boiled detective novel: It was the sort of Monday that made you want to bite open the veins in your wrists. Geoff was broke. Broker than a cheap Taiwan knockoff copy of a Timex after it's fallen into a bowl of spinach borscht. And his wife, Jacki, was mad, madder than a hatter in October with a leftover carload of bunny-shaped Easter bonnets. The phone rang loud, louder than an ugly hooker's hot pants . . . (Helene Haduch, Washington; Russ Beland, Springfield) From a trendy environmentalist book: Prepare to be shocked, for between these pages will be revealed the terrible dangers of third-hand smoke. . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) From a home projects book: The projects in this book are fun and easy, and all you will need are a triple-speed planer, a variable-height grounded peg holer, a narrow-beam eyelet laser, an infinite-pitch diamond-edge buzz saw . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) From a celebrity memoir: You probably have been wondering what we replacement players have been doing with ourselves since the strike. . . (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) From "Chuck Smith, Government Position Classification Specialist" The duties in the draft position description fit no common classification standard. Worse, they appeared to be of mixed grades and probably mixed series. Chuck scanned the SF-52 (Request for Personnel Action) one more time and then looked again at the PD (short for position description.) Chuck had had the personnel action for over a month, but dammit, he had to be sure! A GS-14 could affect the agency's grade average. He ran his hand through his short, graying hair and then decided to go to lunch. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: Hit for the cycle. That's my goal. I'd been runner-up, honorable mention, contest suggester, outright winner. I needed a mention in someone else's entry. Anybody's. Carnahan. Smith. Krattenmaker, Beland, Witte, Worcester. Even Pannullo. I prayed: "Mention me and spell my name correctly, or it won't count." From "Me" by Jessica Heinstice. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Next Week: What Kind of Fool Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 116, published June 4, 1995 Week 116: Write Pure Poetry This Week's Contest is a totally idiotic idea that we began to love the more we noodled with it. It was proposed by Michael Freedman-Schnapp of Reston, who wins a much hipper name. Michael, from now on you are "Nick Rudd, of Prague." Also, you get an antique Heathcliff the Cat lunchbox. Nick proposes that you write a complete sentence using only the letters contained on the top letter row of a typewriter: Q, W,E, R, T, Y, U, I, O, P. (Alternatively, you can use the letters of the first four lines of the standard eye chart: E, F, P, T, O, Z, L, D. Use one list or the other for each entry, but not both combined.) First-prize winner gets a spectacular costume of a 9-foot-tall huge-breasted, hippo-hipped woman with billowing skirts recently worn by actress Fabienne Schlund in Le Neon Theatre's French-language performance of Rabelais's "Gargantua." It can only be worn while standing on a ladder. We bought it for $10, but it is worth at least twice that. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 116, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still seeking entries for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 113, in which we asked you to mate any two of 200 Triple Crown contenders and name the foal. A gigantic response: 18,000 entries from 1,550 people. Neither number, we are delighted to report, is a record. Mary Lee Fox Roe of Mount Kisco, N.Y., alone submitted 502 entries, which, we are truly saddened to report, is also not a record. You folks need to obtain lives. * Eighth Runner-Up: Quiet Deception x You're the One = Nixon's the One(Russell Beland, Springfield) * Seventh Runner-Up: Copy Editor x Bungee Jumper = Danglin' Participle (Mary W. Matthews, Germantown) * Sixth Runner-Up: Evanston x Fort Wayne = Sucky Travel Agent (Peter Johnson, Alexandria) * Fifth Runner-Up: De Niro x Wild Gump = Duh Niro (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up: Mystical Canyon x Uptown Bear = Yogi Bear (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) * Third Runner-Up: Nostra x Picnicker = Nosepicker (Mike Thring, Leesburg) * Second Runner-Up: Easily Moved x King James = Royal Flush (Harold Mantle, Darnestown) * First Runner-Up: King James x Hare Raising = Bible Thumper (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) * And the winner of the White House wooden easter egg: Dazzling Falls x Gaily Gold = Louganis (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Native Tribe x Lawyer Referral = Sioux 'Em All (Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Dave Yanchulis, Washington) French Deputy x Rich Man's Gold = Pamela Harriman (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Law of the Sea x Nostra = Sleeps With Fishes (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Beepbeep Zip Bang x Dodge City = Drive-By Shooting (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Lonely Capote x Grecian God = Happy Capote (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Score Quick x Beepbeep Zip Bang = I'm Sooo Sorry (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring) Satin Devil x Judgement Day = Damned Foal (C. Ramuglia, Lorton) Copy Editor x Judgement Day = Judgment Day (David Buchholz, Silver Spring) Ghostly Moves x Strawberry Wine = Casper Weinberger (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring; Phil Forjan, Burke) Ali Baba x Shah Boom = Baba Boom! (Joyce Small, Herndon) Jealous Crusader x Hare Raising = Crusader Rabbit (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Once a Sailor x Quiet Deception = Don't Ask Don't Tell (Mark Ross, Alexandria) Picnicker x Copy Editor = Nitpicker (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) Nostra x Gold Miner = Booger (Agata Newlacil, Derwood) Cliff's Hope x Valid Advantage = Cliff's Notes (Tara Strawderman, Ms. Rosenberg's 11th-grade English class, Stonewall Jackson High School, Mount Jackson, Va.) A Wicked Brew x Definite Article = The Wicked Brew (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Copy Editor x Private Rite = [A Sexual Act] (Melanie Zyck, Charlottesville) A Wicked Brew x Easily Moved = Barium Enema (Michael Dunlap, Winchester, Va.) Rush Dancer x Crimson = Right on Red (Mike Rayburn, Herndon) Seattle Spell x Kant Stop Kris = Kant Spell a Lyck (Richard M. Biederman, Potomac; Thomas Bascom, Laurel) Go Gary Go x Investor = Gary "U.S." Bonds (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) Dontmesswithtex x Letthebigcajundoit = Space Bar (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Tyson's Revenge x King Heir = Don King's Hair (Mark Ross, Alexandria) Blizzard x Lonely Capote = Dairy Queen (Jacki and Geoff Drucker, Arlington) Lonely Capote x Quiet Deception = Tru Lies (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Tyson's Revenge x Wild Gump = Boxer Chocolates (David Harrison, Fredericksburg) Uptown Bear x Western Echo = Bears Repeating (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.) And Last: Timeless Honor x Last Effort = And Last (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 117, published June 11, 1995 Week 117: GIVE 'EM HELOISE Dear Heloise: We have found a use for those plastic lampshade covers that come with a new lamp. We use them as coverups when we trim our 7- and 9-year-olds' hair. They pop over their heads with one elasticized end above the collar and the other pulled over their shoulders! -- Karen Wranik, Buckland, Ohio This Week's Contest, involving a homemaker theme, was proposed independently by Kitty Thuermer of Washington and Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who are both women but what's the big deal who's going to make something of it certainly not us. Kitty and Jean, who win tins of chewing tobacco, suggest coming up with a tribute to Heloise, that queen of inanely creative recycling. The item above is taken from a recent Heloise column. Can you do better? Write a letter to Heloise proposing some use for ordinary items that would otherwise be thrown away. First-prize winner gets a men's and women's pair of boingy shoes -- antique mini pogo sticks that strap onto your shoes and let you sproing around wildly until you get sick or possibly even die. They are worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 117, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads continues to solicit ideas for the Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 114, which really bit the weenie. This was the week where we asked you to come up with jokes to terminate in any one of the six punch lines we provided. You set modern Style Invitational records for fewest entries (182) and for fewest really good entries (0). Compared with the Himalayan heights of humor ordinarily achieved by this contest, your entries filled a porta-potty in a bathysphere at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Now we don't want the two published winners to feel slighted by this underwhelming report; there is some limited dignity in being the best of the worst. Sort of like being, um, Howard Stern. Mercifully, this brings us to a digression. Some of you may recall that several weeks ago, New York talk radio personality Don Imus declared The Style Invitational and its readers "lame," flatly prohibiting anyone who participates in this contest from appearing on his show. In the spirit of goodwill, we asked you to enumerate the nicest things that can truthfully be said about Don Imus. (For coming up with this contest idea, Don wins "The Portable Scatalog," a completely humorless book chronicling pooping and peeing rituals from around the world, with a foreword by Sigmund Freud, originally published in 1891, and personally inscribed to Imus by the Czar. Since Imus is now an official participant in the Style Invitational, he can no longer appear on his own show.) Without further ado, the 10 nicest things that can be truthfully said about Don "Imus in the Morning" Imus: 10. So far as we know, he doesn't spread Ebola. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) 9. He is probably preferable to a colostomy bag. (Jim Brockton, Fairfax) 8. He gave Engelbert Humperdinck's hairdresser a job. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown, Md.) 7. Howard Stern [click]. (Paul Styrene, Olney) 6. The shortness of his name prevents precious ink and newsprint from being wasted.(J. Ponessa, Washington) 5. He hasn't yet broadcast the recipe for fertilizer bombs. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) 4. Three out of four dentists pipe "Imus in the Morning" into their reception area to make their patients look forward to drilling. (Joseph Romm, Washington) 3. He can make the lame talk. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) 2. Once, he was somebody's beautiful bouncing baby jerk. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) -- And the winner of the five losers' T-shirts: 1. He is the 38th most famous Don, right after Trump, Rickles, Knotts, Johnson, Juan, that other Juan from the weird books, Ameche, DeFore, Everly, Corleone, Ho, Osmond, McLean, that guy from New Kids on the Block, Sutherland, Pardo, Adams, O'Connor, Quixote, King, Shula, Maynard, Cornelius, Meredith, Hot Lips' husband, Kirshner, that river in Russia, Pleasance, Mattingly, Geronimo, Giovanni, Meek, Regan, Rumsfeld, Hollinger, The Snake Prudhomme, and Duck. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) Okay, we can't delay any longer. Here are the results of Week 114. -- First Runner-Up: Punch line: "That's why they call it an ear." There once was a farmer named Lear Who loved sex if others could hear. When the fields got corny He would get horny, Saying, 'That's why they call it an ear.' (Joseph Romm, Washington) -- And the winner of the White House wooden Easter egg: Punch line: "Only if Hitler goes first." Reporter to Marcia Clark: "I understand the defense is considering putting O.J. on the witness stand. Do you think his testimony will be considered believable by the jury? Marcia Clark: "Only if Hitler goes first." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Next Week: The Mnemonic Plague ====================================================================== WEEK 118, published June 18, 1995 WEEK 118: WEAK 118 FDR In Bed With Coed The above headline, one of the greatest sentences ever to appear in print, ran in The Washington Post one day in 1935. The story was about the president feeling a bit under the weather; "coed" was supposed to be "cold." This got us thinking how spectacularly cool typographical errors can be. This week's contest is to take any photo caption or headline appearing anywhere in today's Post (including advertisements) and alter its meaning by adding, deleting or changing one letter and one letter only, or by adding or deleting a space. First-prize winner gets two wine-barrel-around-the-torso costumes, made of burlap, suitable for wearing while otherwise naked. This would be a fabulous Halloween costume except burlap is nearly transparent when backlit. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Weak 118, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is still seeking nominations for the Ear No One Reads, such as today's by Sarah Worcester of Bowie. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 115, in which we asked you to come up with mnemonic devices to remember lists of things. Judging this contest was awful because it brought back the dreariest moments from high school, when you had to learn by rote dozens of pointless lists that some humorless, calcified academic decided to spice up by creating a mnemonic device more convoluted than the original list. Who doesn't remember "sohcahtoa" from trigonometry? "St. Dapiacle" from civics? "On Old Olympus' Towering Tops . . . " from advanced clinical neurology? Anyway . . . Third Runner-Up -- Remembering the Windsor monarchs (George V, Edward VIII, George VI, Elizabeth II): Goofy Ears Guiding England. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Second Runner-Up -- Remembering the seven deadly sins (lust, envy, covetousness, anger, gluttony, pride, sloth): List Enumerates Character Attributes Guaranteeing Political Success.(Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: Remembering all the major cities in West Virginia (Charleston): Chiggers. (Kelly McDonough, Waldorf) And the winner of the pouring faucet illusion: To remember the names of the presidents, in order, memorize the following series; the first letter of each name is the first letter of the name of the appropriate president: Wilson, Arthur, Johnson, McKinley, Madison, Arthur, Jefferson, Van Buchanan, Harding, Taylor, Pierce, Tyler, Ford, Polk, Bush, Lee, Jackson, Garfield, Harrison, Grant, Adams, Clinton, Hayes, Clinton, Monroe, Reagan, Truman, Washington, Hoover, Carter, Harding, Reagan, Taft, Einstein, 'Kinley, Jackson, Nanahcub, Fillmore, Coolidge, Roosevelt, Buchanan, and Cleveland. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) Honorable Mentions: The six wives of Henry VIII (Aragon, Boleyn, Seymour, Cleves, Howard, Parr): Annulment Beats Severing Chicks' Heads (Plop). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Maryland counties (Talbot, Charles, Harford, Garrett, Carroll, Anne Arundel, Dorchester, Somerset, Baltimore, Montgomery, Cecil, Worcester, Kent, Queen Anne's, Wicomico, Prince George's, Allegany, Howard, Calvert, Caroline, Frederick, Washington, St. Mary's): The Chesapeake Has Great Crabs And Delicious Seafood But Maryland's Citizens Won't Keep Quiet When Pollution And Huge Crowds Come From Washington's Suburbs. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The current Supreme Court, in order of appointment (Rehnquist, Stevens, O'Connor, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas, Ginsburg, Breyer): Rare Spurts Of Sanity Keep Sustaining This Great Body. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) The seven deadly sins: Please Call Everyone -- Let's All Get Started! (Debbie Ruffing, Bowie) Liz Taylor's husbands (Todd, Fortensky, Hilton, Burton, Warner, Fisher, Wilding): That Fat Hollywood Babe With Frequent Weddings. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "The Partridge Family" children (Chris, Keith, Danny, Laurie, Tracy): California Kids Desperately Lacking Talent. (Kelly McDonough, Waldorf) Santa's reindeer (Cupid, Comet, Donner, Dasher, Blitzen, Vixen, Prancer, Dancer): Cherished Christmas Deer Disappeared Because Venison Prices Doubled. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Attorneys general under Nixon (Mitchell, Kleindienst, Richardson, Saxbe): My Kingdom Rots Swiftly. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The Great Lakes (Michigan, Ontario, Superior, Erie, Huron): Masses Of Sewage Empty Here. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The only continent with four countries that extend above the Arctic Circle, and the capitals of those countries (Europe, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki and Moscow): Erie, Ontario, Superior, Huron, Michigan. (Sarah Galbraith, Washington) The spelling of "arithmetic." Old mnemonic device: A Rat In The House May Eat The Ice Cream. New mnemonic device: A Rat In The House May Eat The Iced Cappucino. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Seven deadly sins: Presbyterians Gasp At Sight of Crowds Enjoying Life. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Actors who played James Bond (Lazenby, Connery, Dalton, Moore): Loved Connery, Detested Moore. (Joseph Romm, Washington) The order of animal classification (kingdom, phylum, subphylum, class, order, family, genus, species, subspecies): Kissing Pigs Sometimes Can Offer Fun, Good Safe Sex (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Daytime talk show hosts (Geraldo, Montel, Ricki, Jenny, Leeza, Sally, Oprah, Gordon, Jerry, Phil, Maury, Rolonda): Give Me Really Juicy, Lurid Stories Of Gender-Jumping Prostitutes Marrying Relatives. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) A trick to remember which side of the Metro escalator is for walking and which is for standing: "Walk" and "left" each have four letters, "stand" and "right" each have five. Or, JUST DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, YOU IDIOTS! (Russell Beland, Springfield) And Last: How to remember the page number of the Style Invitational each week: Flatulence -- The Winning Offering. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Write Pure Poetry ====================================================================== WEEK 119, published June 25, 1995 Week 119: Musak to our Ear While on hold at The National Zoo: "Born to be Wild" While on hold at a bungee-jumping concession: "Hit The Road, Jack." While on hold at a lawyer's office: "Oh, bill, I love you so, I always will." While on hold at Michael Jackson's Neverland Productions: "Baby I'm-a Want You" While on hold at the office of Rep. Sonny Bono: "Fool On The Hill." This week's contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a tub of bovine udder ointment. Elden suggests that you come up with unfortunate Muzak songs to hear on the phone while on hold. You can use either a song title or a lyric. First prize winner gets a complete, 11-volume hardcover set of the complete works of Kahlil Gibran, a value of $50, as deep and ruminant as the camel's breath nurturing a willow sprig beneath a talcum moon. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 118, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads is still soliciting nominations for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Lori C. Fraind of Reston. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 116, in which we asked you to compose a sentence using only the letters of the top row of the typewriter (QWERTYUIOP) or the top four rows of an eye chart (EFPTOZLD), plus punctuation as needed. Two observations: We chose the top typewriter row because we thought no other row was feasible, but Jim Ward of McLean humbled us by using the home row to produce this unforgettable line: "As a gag, Kafka had alfalfa salad." Also, we need to issue a warning to those of delicate sensibilities. It turns out that the top row of the typewriter is the repository of many, many words relating to bodily functions. If you are a mature human being this column may not be your particular cup of pee. We tried to cut down on toilet jokes, but many were so funny they could not be, um, eliminated. Fifth Runner-Up: You wore trout tie, you tour Europe, you quote poetry -- you yuppie! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: Peter, Peter power pooper/ You require Roto-Rooter. (Ted Spencer, Washington) Third Runner-Up: We put our query to Perot: Were you piper, puppeteer or power tripper? (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: You retire, I retire too; quit pro quo. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up: you were two, i your pop. i your potty wiper, your power pureer, your worrier; you wry pouter, eye ptooey-er, pretty tot; i utter to you, "i owe you."(Aaron Goldschmidt, Fairfax) And the Winner of the costume of a huge-breasted, hippo-hipped woman: Poe + rye + terror + woe = eerie poetry. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Dole Doodle: Topple effete fool! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Poor? -- we were too poor to poop or pee! (Brent Weaver, District Heights) WHAT IS SO HARD? -- (Paul Styrene, Olney; Russell Beland, Springfield; Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) To Do: Feed toffee to pet; doodle dot-to-dot; peddle dope, pot; loll. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Woe to Ito -- retry! (Andrea Bakewell Lowery, Washington) Poor Pee-wee, you tried to pull out your wee-wee purely to pet, yet our reporter wrote you up. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Pretty "Eye to Eye" reporter was put out. (Ariele Revots, Bethesda) I opt to quit your top-row torture ere I puque. (David Swerdloff, Washington) PROPER POTTY ETIQUETTE: We trot to our itty tot potty; we prop our pretty potty top up; we pry out our wee peter, we pee; tut tut, too wet; tip your potty up; pour out; oy, wipe up wee wee; quiet, tiptoe out. (Edith Lund, Alexandria) Yo, Ito, we wipe up Type O! (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) RO--RIO, -EEP T-E -O-EY; I -O-E YOU, -UT I -O-E -O-EY -ORE -- ---RI-- --E- (By Aldrich Ames, via Kitty Thuermer, Washington) e.p.t. told Zoe: Tot! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) uI wow pIp qwoq uoquoq (Greg Arnold, Herndon ) I poop, pyoo; Pope poop, pew. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Left-footed people feel left-toed too. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Wet putty + torque = pottery. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Were we too pretty, or were we too pure; our wit our tutor, or our piety truer? ( David Smith, Greenbelt) This one hurts us: We pour out our typewriter wit, yet you rip it up, rewrite it, report "potty" tripe or trot out your petty "peter" repertoire. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) But this one scares us: I opt to retire; I rue potty wit. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Next Week: Give 'em Heloise ====================================================================== WEEK 120, published July 2, 1995 Week 120: Simile Outrageous When I think about all that suffering in Bosnia I feel real bad, like when you tie your necktie wrong and the bottom part comes out longer than the top and you have to do it all over again. Her face was as beautiful as one of them sunsets when there's a lot of soot and gunk in the air. He was about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." That is a fabulous analogy from "Farewell, My Lovely," by Raymond Chandler, who was describing a huge man in an ostentatious suit. Raymond Chandler was the world's greatest writer of analogies. Your goal is to be the worst: Come up with inept analogies, rotten comparisons as a literary device. First-prize winner gets a framed antique "Scarlet Fever" quarantine sign from the 1930s, a value of $90. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 120, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads is still soliciting entries for the Ear No One Reads, such as today's, by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 117, when you were asked to come up with letters to Heloise. We got about 1,500 responses, including more than a dozen from people who did not quite understand this is a humor contest. This happens from time to time. Did you folks know, for example, that you can save plastic milk jugs and use them for Kool Aid and stuff? * Fifth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Don't you hate it when you've just washed the floor, the phone rings, and you have to walk across your newly cleaned linoleum? I've solved that perennial problem by always carrying two old toilet plungers with me as I wash the floor, and when the phone rings I just push the plungers onto the ceiling, hang on and trapeze my way across without ever touching the floor! It's a snap! (Robin D. Grove, Washington) * Fourth Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: After you get tired of your old diamond necklace, simply put it at the bottom of the pot the next time you plant flowers, and it will provide wonderful drainage. -- Liz Taylor, Beverly Hills, Calif. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Third Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: At night, the placement of common cotton balls in your orifices prevents bugs from entering your body and drinking your digestive juices. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Second Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Here in West Virginia, we've discovered a new use for sheep. If you cut off their fur, you can make things out of it, like clothes and stuff! -- Luther Bopeep, Wheeling, W.Va. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) * First Runner-Up -- Dear Heloise: Quick! I need to learn how to shrink a pair of leather gloves. -- "O.S., Los Angeles" (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) And the winner of the two pairs of boingy shoes: * Dear Heloise: I recently discovered my husband keeps a discarded pair of panties in his glove compartment to muffle the rattle of his tools. Isn't that clever? -- Wanda Peebles, Topeka, Kan. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va., and Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) *Honorable Mentions: I recently went to Alaska to visit a friend of mine. He was having trouble with some baby seals in his back yard, destroying his shrubs. So we came up with this solution: Club the seals to death, fillet them, and grill them on the barbecue. -- Rush Limbaugh, New York. (Andy Buonviri, Hollywood, Md.) There always seem to be extra anchovy strips left over after making Caesar salad. I save them for a real campfire treat: Surprise S'mores! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) My husband and I just finished wallpapering our den and thought you would like to know how easy it was! Every time we bought a new roll of Scotch tape, we took off the little plaid starter tab and glued it to the den wall! So easy, so inexpensive, and it only took us 42 years to complete! (Ann M. Burton, North Bethesda) Aluminum foil and a sawed-off plastic milk carton make an excellent helmet to repel evil thoughts. But don't forget to put some foil in your underpants. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I have a new use for old egg cartons. I put them in my husband's workshop and arrange all his screws and nails. -- Nancy Woofus, Littleville, R.I. I have a new use for screw and nail packaging. Put them in the fridge to prevent eggs from rolling around. -- Roger Woofus, Littleville, R.I. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Save those old space shuttle booster tanks. They make great woodpecker habitats. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Ed O'Reilly, Alexandria) When crumpled up and placed around your bed at night, newspapers give you an early warning about the Tooth Fairy coming to pull out all your teeth or of any cats intent on sucking your breath away as you sleep. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I've just about got the particle accelerator finished, but can't figure out how to crosswire the transducer. Any tips? -- Ken in Landover Hills Dear Ken: Try this -- Pick up a used van der Graf generator at a yard sale, remove the Tesla coil (once you're done, a Tesla coil makes a great Bundt pan!) and connect to the transducer, positive to positive.(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) dear heloise when youre writing a poem dont worry about punctuation or capitalization you can always take care of that later ee cummings (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Old cast-iron radiators make wonderful aquarium "castles," provided you have at least a 1,500-gallon tank. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I came up with a great use for my old beanbag chair. It's perfect for holding my javelin collection. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) To save money on a carrot scraper, use your teeth. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) To remove those stubborn ground-in stains from your children's clothes, pack the dirty clothes in the kids' suitcase when they go to visit Grandma. The clothes will come back looking as good as new, and may, in fact, actually be new. (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) Don't throw out that Pla-Doh that's been mixed into a gray blob the kids no longer play with. Simply add some frozen corn and it magically turns into fake vomit! Kids love it! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Place an old mattress on the bottom of the stairs, then just jump down instead of walking. Saves time, eliminates wear and tear on the treads and gives a vigorous aerobics workout to boot! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) When at a restaurant, to avoid getting spaghetti on a new shirt, don't order it. (Barbara Bryce, Adelphi) Tired of your origami swans or other animals? Unfold them and use as napkins! (Doris Nachman, Springfield) I save all my used scouring pads and use them to knit bulletproof vests for the kids to wear to school. (R.A. Heindl, Euclid, Ohio) I've found a great way to hide income from the IRS where they'll never even think to look. I've personally stashed away millions of dollars completely tax-free! Ooops. Gotta go now. I'm on the air. -- Don Imus, New York (John Kammer, Herndon) I just figured out a great way to use my old Style Invitational bumper stickers and seem smarter at the same time. I just slap them onto a white T-shirt, and people think they are the real McCoy! (Chris Stelzig, Annapolis) And Last: Do you find that you have more than enough bumper stickers but are constantly running short of depilatory? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Next Week: Weak 118 ====================================================================== WEEK 121, published July 9, 1995 Week 121: It's No Use A time-release placebo. Tomato-on-a-Stick A textbook teaching illiterates how to read. This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a copy of "Flattened Fauna," an apparently serious sportsman's guide to recognizing old road kill by shape. Joseph suggests that you come up with useless products. First-prize winner gets a set of Russian nesting dolls featuring Yeltsin, Gorby, Brezhnev, Khrushchev, Stalin, Lenin and Nicky II, a value of $60. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 121, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads, the only person on Earth whose given name features an ampersand, thanks John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 118, in which you were asked to create funny typographical errors by altering one letter in any headline or photo caption from that day's Post. The instructions weren't clear on whether transposing adjacent letters constituted only one alteration. We say yes. If any of you feel cheated by this ruling, please walk the streets wearing a dead mackerel or flounder on your shirt or blouse. Our special Injustice-Spotting Teams will identify you and award you prizes. Several funny entries were either too popular to single out, or too risque. In the first category was "Astros Greet Pulsipher Rudely in De But." In the second category was an entry by several people who suggested a strategic one-letter deletion in the headline: "Make a Splash Without Losing Your Shirt." * Third Runner-Up: It Has a Million $Location, Mouse-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town(Laura Wilson, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pol (Joe Harder, Charlottesville; Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) * First Runner-Up: What's a Cookout Without Heiny Beans? (Bonnie Speary, Rockville)u * And the winner of the wine barrel costumes: Bulge Boy shorts (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Honorable Mentions FREE LOVEMEAT (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Carreers in Education (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Buchanan Bit Winner in Va. Poll (Richard E. Brock, Adelphi) John Denver Sautes Conservationists (Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) The Man Who Sold the Sucrets (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Vienna) The Rise and Fall of Homey Rule in Washington (Robert P. Starling, McLean; Barbara Shannon Dykes, Mason Neck) Happy Fatherless Day; Are We Sending a Message That Pads Are Disposable? (John Kammer, Herndon) I Can't Believe It's Not Better (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; Nick Dierman, Potomac; Rose Chaney, Frederick) Administration Debates Pentagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Jests (Gerald Epstein, Bethesda; Rick Tillman, Falls Church) Miss Manners Oh No! Not the Ladylike Kook! (Michele Petrillo, Gaithersburg;Paul Parsons, Silver Spring; Dennis McDermott, Alexandria) Ono, Not The Ladylike Look (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Troubled by Urinary Logs? (Michael R. Newberg, Bel Air) Buchanan Outs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Snot Towels (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Happy Fatherless Day ; Are We Sending a Message That Nads Are Disposable? (Nick Dierman, Potomac) The King of Pop's Crown Looks Wobbly as He Releases His First Album in 4 Rears. (Donna DeSoto, Fairfax) Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 2th. (Steve Hoglund, Washington) To Place Your Employment Ads, Contact: The Hiring Squid! (Connie Petty, Leondardtown) One Trip, Three Hits, No Errorz (Andrew Flannery, Washington; Jonathan Simon, Bethesda) My Johnson a Man on a Mission (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Fop Attention-Getter (John Kammer, Herndon) FU2 (Gary Patishnook, Laurel) Yeltsin Eructs Into Anger at Chechens (Rick Tillman, Falls Church) Three Washington Post Journalists Wins Two Pulitzer Prizes (Connie Petty, Leonardtown) Original headlines, in order of appearance: It Has a Million $Location, House-size Apartments, Resort Amenities and the Best Price in Town; You, Too, Can Own a Maryland Pool; What's a Cookout Without Heinz Beans?; Bugle Boy Shorts; Free Loveseat; Oh No! Not the Ladylike Look!; Careers in Education; Buchanan Big Winner in Va. Poll; John Denver Salutes Conservationists; The Man Who Sold the Secrets; The Rise and Fall of Home Rule in Washington; Are We Sending a Message That Dads Are Disposable?; I Can't Believe It's Not Butter; Administration Debates Penagon Proposal to Resume Nuclear Tests; Troubled by Urinary Loss?; M. Johnson a Man on a Mission; Buchanan Routs the Field in Va. Republican Straw Poll; Scot Towels; His First Album in 4 Years; Bowe Flattens Gonzalez in 6th; The Hiring Squad; Chirac, New to G-7 Summitry, Proves Top Attention-Getter; I'm Not Going to Pinch Myself; Erupts Into Anger; Win Two Pulitzer Prizes. Next Week: Muzak to Our Ear ====================================================================== WEEK 122, published July 16, 1995 Week 122: The Unkindest Cute of All This week's contest was suggested by Gary Patishnock of Laurel, who wins the following anagram of his name: "Crap-stink hoagy." Gary suggests that we try to help out old Charles Schulz, a once-brilliant, cutting-edge cartoonist whose X-Acto knife appears to have dulled just a bit over the years. Personally, we trace the decline of "Peanuts" to the introduction of Woodstock, the witless bird who talks in apostrophes. Whatever happened to Linus, the philosopher? To Pig Pen, the disagreeable little dirtball? What's up with this dog who talks to cactuses? Why has nothing funny happened since 1962? How can we help Charles Schulz reanimate "Peanuts"? Your challenge is to come up with a new story line for the strip, some plot development or new character that will put the strip back on the road to relevance. You don't have to draw it. Just describe it. We'll handle the art. First-prize winner gets his or her idea illustrated by Bob Staake. We would promise you the "original" illustration, but there is no such thing as an "original" Staake illustration. Staake faxes us his cartoons. We have never actually met him. We are not even certain for sure that he exists. "Bob Staake" could be a boiler room operation employing 200 illegal alien artists from Honduras and Benin, for all we know. So what you will get is a fax of your idea illustrated by someone, or some enterprise, doing business as Bob Staake. We will frame it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 122, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print "&" the Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 119, in which we asked you for unfortunate Muzak tunes to hear while on hold. Several excellent entries proved too popular for prizes: "It's My Party (and I'll Cry if I Want To)" while on hold for the Democratic National Committee; "I Feel the Earth Move" while on hold for the L.A. Chamber of Commerce; and "You're Having My Baby" while on hold at the office of Cecil Jacobson, MD. Fourth Runner-Up -- While on hold at John Bobbitt's house: "It Won't Be Long" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up -- While on hold at the D.C. Tourist Center: "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" (John Davey, Oakton) Second Runner-Up -- While on hold at the Psychic Friends Network: "Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. . ." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up -- While on hold at Intel: "25 or 6 to 4" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) And the Winner of the 11-volume set of the complete works of Kahlil Gibran: While on hold at Hugh Grant's house: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter" (Howard Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: At a Chinese restaurant: "Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (Paul Styrene, Olney) Elizabeth Arden headquarters: "Maybelline" (Susan Wilkerson, Arlington; Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Hugh Grant: "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Pepto-Bismol headquarters: "Born to Run" (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring; Tina Ament, Washington)... Bob Packwood's office: "Octopus's Garden" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) While on hold to order flowers for your dear aunt's funeral: "Red Roses for a Blue Lady" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Hugh Grant: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills; Marcia Doran, Laurel) Kato Kaelin's house: "They're gonna put me in the movies / They're gonna make a big star outta me / The biggest fool to ever hit the big time/ and all I gotta do is act naturally." (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) Colgate-Palmolive: "Ode to Joy" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Suicide Hotline: "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares" (Greg Gust, Washington; Karen K. Kirschenbauer, Middleburg, Va.) The time recording: "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" (Eric Barr, Front Royal) The proctologist: "Fixing a Hole" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) William Aramony: "If I Only Had a Brain" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Ron Goldman's House: "Torn Between Two Lovers" (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hyundai: "Everything Put Together Falls Apart" (Skip Flegnaut, Wheaton) A custom home builder: Schubert's Unfinished Symphony (Ted Hudson, Alexandria) A shelter for battered women: "Stand by Your Man" (Anne Levy, Annandale) The Unabomber's house: "Return to Sender" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) LAPD: "The Beat Goes On" (Janice M. Hall, Alexandria) Hugh Grant: Anything by Cheap Trick (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) ACLU: "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" (James Foster, Silver Spring) UNLV: "We don't need no edjookayshun. . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) A proctologist: "Every Little Movement Has a Meaning All Its Own" (Sylvia Byrne, Arlington) A plastic surgeon: "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Trojan Condoms: "Break On Through" (Andrew D. Culhane, Greenbelt) The Michigan Militia: "I've never been to Heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma. . . " (Sarah Bardos, Arlington) Phil Gramm's office: "Tangled Up in Blue" (Joe Harder, Charlottesville) VD treatment center: "Great Balls of Fire" (Clark & Kathryn Kidd, Sterling) Dan Quayle's home: "R-E-S-P-E-T-C" (Heather Jamieson, Silver Spring) Next Week: Simile Outrageous ====================================================================== WEEK 123, published July 23, 1995 WEEK 123: WHY IS poop FUNNY? 1. Why is the sky blue? 2. Now do airplanes fly? 3. Where does dust come from? 4. Where does the sun go when it sets? 5. Where Do Babies Come From??? This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon and her 8-year-old son, Bobby. Jean wins a brand new 1995 Toyota Tercel with sunroof and driver-side air bag, and Bobby wins a real live pony named Mike. Jean and Bobby suggested you come up with creative answers to any of the five numbered questions above that might be asked by a 5-year-old. As an example, they quote from a book of Calvin & Hobbes cartoons, by Bill Watterson: "Why is there wind?" Calvin asks. "Trees sneezing," his father answers. Hm. Now that we examine their letter carefully, it would appear that All of Jean and Bobby's examples come from Calvin & H0bbes cartoon books. So, this is not really their idea at all, but Bill Watterson's idea, and he doesn't need a car or a horse, being a famously reclusive megamillionaire. So, in faimess, we need to scale back the prizes a little. Jean wins "Moose Shish-ka-Poop," a plastic meat skewer with an elegant moose-doody motif at the top, and Bobby wins a can of soda made from grass, a fine product of the People's Republic of China. First-prize winner of Week 123 gets a matching pair of lamps made from genuine used AMF-approved tournament bowling pins, a value of, we don't know, how does $50 sound? Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T· shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 123, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202· 334-4312, or submit them via the Intemet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editor reserve the right to alter entries for tastte, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads would like to observe that we have begun getting tormented letters from people who don't know what The Ear No One Reads is and want to find out. We feel their pain. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 120, in which we asked you to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, thugh we feel compelled to point out that there is a ffine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean: Fourth Runner-Up: Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling) Third Runner-Up: The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Second Runner-Up: I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) First Runner-Up: She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond) Honorable Mentions: After 15 years of marriage, sex had become an experience devoid of genuine excitement and emotion, like when you're stuck in traffic trying to get downtown on the Fourth of July and have to listen to the announcer describe the fireworks on the radio. (Joseph Romm, Washington) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) She was clever all right, like a woman who is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the world's highest IQ and whose last name just happens to be "Savant." Yeah, maybe too clever by half. (Joseph Romm, Washington) He was developing a reputation in the world of lint-collecting, which was kind of like being the most famous man in Woodbridge. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer, Herndon) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy!" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid 55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid \aaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows up another college professor. (Anonymous, No City Please) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) He was the size and shape of a man much larger than him. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) Winning the Style Invitational is sort of like finding a flaming bag of dog poop on your porch. In fact, some weeks it's EXACTLY like that. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) That Chuck Smith! He slays me! He's a regular O.J. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And Last: Sometimes I get really annoyed when entries get published and they don't even follow the rules of the contest. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's No Use ====================================================================== WEEK 124, published July 30, 1995 WEEK 124: SPOON-FEED us. How is the Amway Corp. like the organism that causes trichinosis? One is a weird firm, the other is a feared worm. How is Loni Anderson's ex hubby, eating pastrami, like a wad of navel lint? One is Burt in a deli, the other is dirt in a belly. How is a Tennessee Warbler like a shy Style Invitational contestant? One is a Nashville bird, the other is a bashful nerd. This Week's Contest was independently suggested by Thomas Edward Knibb of Walkersville, Md. who wins a human molar, and by Lori Millen of Washington, WllO wins an alligator foot. Both prizes were donated to the Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a pair of Central African condoms donated to the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington, who wins a pair of disposable underpants personally autographed by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a toilet bowl night light donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Barry of Miami. Anyway, Thomas and Lori suggest that you come up with spoonerisms: expressions based on the transposition of the initial sounds of two paired words. Spoonerisms were named after English educator W.A. Spooner, who used to make these unintentional slips every thou and nen. Please frame the entries as questions and answers, like the ones above. Spare us all the jokes about track teams and sneaky pygmies, okay? We've heard them all. First-prize winner gets "The Mona Usa," a framed original piece of artwork by some earnest if talentless admirer of Leonardo da Vinci. We bought it for $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly soughttafter Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 124, TheWashingtOfl Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, which is in its usual location. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 121, in which you were asked to come up with useless products. • Fourth Runner-Up: Cream of Mushroom Slurpee (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) • Third Runner-Up: Seeing-eye giraffes (Blair Thurman, Reston) • Second Runner-Up: The Popeil™ Pocket Wasp & Hornet Teaser (Ken Rochester, Centreville) • First Runner-Up: Garfield™ condolence cards (Paul A. Sane, Silver Spring) • And the winner of the nesting Russian dolls: New, lemon yellow Ty-D-Bol™ (Russell Beland, Springfield) • Honorable Mentions: Lobster Helper (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring; Nancy Jones, Germantown) "Welcome Home Kamikaze" banners (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Purina™ Roach Chow (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Joseph Romm, Washington) Miss Manners' Guide to Prison Etiquette (Ellen Dean, Frederick) Mobius toilet paper (Buddy Baker, Silver Spring) Frog arms platter (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Birthday candle snuffers (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) Nuclear hand grenades (David T. Harrison, Fredericksburg) Snooze bar on a fire alaml (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Sweet and Sour Maalox (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Wild rat feeder (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Hamburger Helper Helper (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Car alarms for Yugos (Russell Beland, Springfield) Refrigerator tacks (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Inflatable dartboard (Gene Van Pelt, Verona) Chutney-flavored condoms (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) Tuna-safe dolphin, packed in oil (Mary E. Reese, Alexandria) A light on the outside of the refrigerator to indicate when the light inside the refrigerator is off (Ed Steam, Upper Marlboro) Scrabble, special dyslexics' edition (Linda K. Mlacoml, Silver Spring) Intermittent headlights (Mark Lesko, Grafton) Nymphomaniac Repellent (Twink Ruffing, Bowie) Vibrating bedpan (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Roach Motel art (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) The Jarvik-7 artificial appendix (Jeremy Hancock and Justin Sondak, Arlington) Bird laxatives (Cissie Owen, Leesburg) Female pope fashions (Carole Dix, Gaithersburg) Silicone thigh implants (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase, and Russ Beland, Springfield) Salted bandages (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Non-alcoholic vodka (Paul Styrene, Olney; Joseph Romm, Washington) Kosher communion wafers (Joe Shepherd, Gaithersburg) Ankle watch (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A transparent colostomy bag (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Can-opener-in-a-can (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Corn niblet holders (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 125, published August 6, 1995 Week 125 : Ask Backward VI Tinker to Evers to Packwood One. Definitely Only One. The world is my dumpster. Mickey Mantle's liver Three men and a crayfish Apollo 178 Grant's Pants Colon Powell Very, very fat mice [the symbol for Prince, divided by pi] [Dolly from "Family Circus"] The sweet smell of defeat Here's a hint: It's yellow. Fred and Ethel Van Beethoven Sally Struthers and Homer, the blind poet Because it wouldn't work the other way This Week's Contest: You are on Jeopardy! These are your answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets an autographed copy of "Dave Barry Slept Here," his handsome, hardcover volume on American history, entirely in Japanese. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 125, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 122, in which you were asked to come up with a new plot development for "Peanuts." But first, a brief logistical note. In the last three years, The Style Invitational has become something of a Washington institution, in the sense that St. Elizabeth's is something of a Washington institution. We have been getting increasingly disturbing mail from persons who are Fine Just Fine Just a Little Bit Upset Is All; they are alarmed at the prospect of the Invitational going on August sabbatical as we did last year. Relax. The Czar has enlisted the services of a trusted toady. She will run the next few contests with the same finely honed sense of humor that has made this contest into a cherished part of the lives of thousands of individuals with borderline personality disorders. And last, thanks to Harry J. Hewson of Dale City, who points out that "Bob Staake" is an anagram for "A B.O. Basket." Second Runner-Up: "MY EYES!!!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Opus: "Seems like everyone in this strip is on vacation... ...I'm subbing for Snoopy, Daisy Mae's in for Lucy..." Calvin: "Here's your dinner, herring breath!!" Opus: "...Calvin for Charlie Brown..." Calvin: "?!&#! kite!" Calvin: "I didn't ask to be here! Look at this ridiculous T-shirt! Why do I have to wear it?" Calvin: "I had big plans for this summer. Hobbes and I were going to do Othello in Boston. My name up in lights this big!!" Daisy Mae: "Snoopy, have ya'll seen mah brother Linus?" Opu: "N ma'am, Miz Lucy, I haven't." Opus: "I don't know about you, but frankly I've been waiting for this for years."(Story and artwork David Harr, Clifton and Ewa Skoczylas, Centreville) And the Winner of this framed, signed Bob Staake fax art: Charlie Brown: "Look! We've finally gotten teeth!" Lucy: "Cartoon character usually don't have them." Charlie Brown: "I wonder if they're real?" Lucy: "This will really weird people out!" Linus: "Maybe I can have fun like Calvin." Snoopy: "Is it ... safe?" (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable mentions: Snoopy dies after heroically saving little April Patterson from drowning. (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring) The "Peanuts" strip is the subject of a boycott by PETA when they determine that Snoopy's doghouse does not afford him adequate sleeping space and ventilation. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Spike, the desert-dwelling dog, discovers peyote. (Glenn Conlon, Jennifer Garrison and Henry Kivett, Burlington N.C.) Snoopy the Vulture eats some rotted meat and dies. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Charlie Brown appears in a charity baseball game featuring Cal Ripken Jr. and beans him, ending the streak. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) After years of pining for her with unrequited love, Charlie Brown finally gets a letter from the cute redheaded girl. It is a restraining order. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Lucy: "Not only are we being forced to go to camp again, but the driver seems to be in a big hurry." Charlie Brown: "It just seems that way. You always go faster when you're going somewhere you don't want to go." Linus: "Actually, I heard the bus driver say there's a bomb on the bus and he has to stay above 50." Snoopy: JOE TERRORIST (Jon Frandsen, Takoma Park) CAPTION: THE PROCTOLOGIST IS IN (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Next Week: Why is Poop Funny? ====================================================================== WEEK 126, published August 13, 1995 WEEK 126: EVERYBODY'S TALKIN' This week's contest: What are these people, etc., saying? Choose one or more photos and fill in the balloons with tasteful, appropriate and humorous words. Please write your entries on a separate sheet of paper. First-prize winner gets a real print of the Nixon-Elvis Commemorative Photo, a value of $20 Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 126" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 123, "Why Is Poop Funny?," in which you were asked to come up with answers to certain questions that might be asked by a 5-year-old. It seems that many, many of you have been consulting the Old Chestnut Science Guide (rev. ed.), since approximately 1,729 of the literally 1,778 entries reported that (a) the sky is blue because it reflects off the oceans; (b) that airplanes are propelled by birds in/under/above the wings or by gas created by airline food/Congress; and (c) that babies come from "ask your mother." Some people felt compelled to compose ponderous, Michener-size tracts, evidently figuring that the left side of Page F2 would miraculously balloon to the dimensions of a billboard to accommodate their half-page exegeses on God and His Blue Crayon. Many of you so wittily integrated all five questions. Very nice. Doesn't fit. Sorry. And for the life of us, we have no idea why people sent in entry after entry about toilets and the various substances deposited therein. Did they think that jokes about excreta would win some kind of prize? This is The Washington Post! Ohhh, the Czar. Ah. Well, you needn't be concerned with that nasty little man. He is, er, away. * Fourth runner-up: Where do babies come from? From grandparents. They say a special chant over and over, and when they've said it enough times, a baby comes. What's the chant? Well, it's secret, but parts of it go like this: "Why don't you make me a grandparent? All my friends have grandchildren. That cat is not my grandchild." (Katherine Wertheim, Washington) * Third runner-up: How do airplanes fly? That's a good question. USAir wants you to give them a call when you find out. (Scott Greenberg, Washington) * Second runner-up: Where do babies come from? Well, son, do you remember in "9 Weeks" when Mickey Rourke has Kim Basinger up against that wall? ... (Dave George, Reston) * First runner-up: Where does dust come from? Didn't you hear the minister, dear? When he said, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust," he meant that dust comes from dead bodies, like Grandma's. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) * And the winner of the pair of lamps made out of used bowling pins: Where do babies come from? Me. (Cecil Jacobson, MD, via Jill Gross, Reston) Honorable Mentions: Why is the sky blue? Because nothing rhymes with purple. (Bill Glassbrook, Gaithersburg) You'd be blue, too, if you had a big planet stuck in the middle of you. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Because God decided against the more expensive mauve-chartreuse checkerboard motif. (Edward F. Mickolus, Dunn Loring) Because they didn't have a color you liked. (Michael Temple, Washington) Hey, what do I look like, freakin' Mr. Wizard? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) How do airplanes fly? When you do good things, magic pixie dust keeps the planes in the air. But every time you do something bad -- like disturb me while I'm watching the game -- a plane crashes and hundreds of people die.(Ben Lee, Chantilly) The airlines smushed up Tinker Bell and put a little of her in every plane. (Elly Kugler, Silver Spring) They don't really fly. The windows are movie screens that show scenery while workers are outside building a replica of your destination. (Douglas Bailey, Baldwinsville, N.Y.) At the Unabomber's discretion. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) They use "aerodynamic power." That's Greek for "enormous rubber bands." (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) Where does dust come from? It's little bits of people's brains that come out when they sneeze. It never goes away. Parts of Julius Caesar's brain might be in your house. I wouldn't touch it if I were you. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) Dust bunny poop. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C., and Linda K. Bakley, Falls Church) Cremated fairies. (Janice, Melanie and Jil Evans, White Plains, Md.) In the middle of the night, hundreds of tarantulas come out of the oven and crawl around the house, giving each other haircuts. (Donald Brasek, McLean) Why don't you look under your bed and ask it personally? (Renee D'Amico, Pasadena) Where does the sun go when it sets? Back in its hole, silly. (Mike Paulson, Falls Church) The sun is God's eye, and it shuts whenever it sees you doing something bad because it's so sad and ashamed for you. Now ask me where rain comes from. (Elly Kugler, Silver Spring) It circles the Earth, just like the stars. Now get to bed, little Copernicus. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) To the recently renamed Hugh Grant Boulevard. (Scott Greenberg, Washington) Behind Timmy's house, because it likes him better. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) The sun never sets. (Elizabeth II, London, via Joseph Romm, Washington) Where do babies come from? From inside Michelin tires. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Go ask your sister, she's a baby. (Joseph M. Schech, Silver Spring) You know when you put a plug in a socket? It's nothing like that. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Gold diggers who lie about birth control. (Jack Kent Cooke, Middleburg, via Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Wyoming. That's why nobody lives there. (John Russell Tuohy, age 9, Arlington) Babes. (Bevra Krattenmaker, Williamsburg, Va.; Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) And why is poop funny? Because all palindromes are funny, except radar and did. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Next Week: Ask Backward VI ====================================================================== WEEK 127, published August 20, 1995 Week 127: GADGET IF YOU CAN This week's contest: Choose one or more of the above devices, drawn from the mind of Mr. Bob Staake himself, and describe their use. First-prize winner gets a 1972-vintage clock suspended in a monstrous brown and yellow macrame frame. Value? Um, let's say invaluable. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 127" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Steven Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 124, in which we asked you to come up with Spoonerisms: transpositions of the beginnings of paired words.(Belated thanks to Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax for suggesting this contest months ago. Kevin wins a pair of slippers that look like salmon, since he just had knee surgery and could really use, for once, a salmon.) Most of the 1,000-plus entries actually fit the Spooneristic form, though there was the occasional pairing of, say, "Hillary Rodham Clinton" with "Killer hot rod, Rin-Tin-Tin," or even "the coveted losers' T-shirt and mildly sought-after bumper stickers" with "the curt staff taught me to avidly shove sick abuser lumps." (Out of compassion -- remember, this contest is now nestled in the nurturing arms of a woman -- we refrain from mentioning that both of those entries were from Phil Plait of Silver Spring.) Lots of people sent in utter obscenities, figuring it'd be okay as long as they left out the half of the joke that RHYMED with "truck" or "wit" or "cities." Ha ha ha, you smart feller, you. And literally dozens of constestants plagiarized from the Rosetta Stone Dirty Joke Obelisk and sent in the ones about the defiant rooster and the epileptic oystermonger. Even that nasty little Czar, who is currently confined to quarters (the rest of his pay has been docked), wouldn't have stomached that. Fourth runner-up: How is career advice for Tommy Chong like the job description for an actress on "Baywatch"? One is "Best to star with Cheech"; the other is "Chest to star with beach." (Joel Tompkins, Laurel) Third runner-up: How is the Supreme Court abortion case like what roaches say on TV? One is Roe-Wade; the other is "Whoa! Raid!" (Scott McKenzie, Manassas) Second runner-up: How is Roger Tory Peterson like the Rev. William Spooner? One is a bird watcher; the other is . . . a bird watcher. (Douglas J. Hoylman, Chevy Chase) First runner-up: How is Cole Porter like a reformed Bob Packwood in his reelection bid? One gets no kick from champagne; the other gets no chick from campaign. (J. vonBushberger, Davidsonville) And the winner of the original amateur copy of the "Mona Lisa": How is adoration of a pop group like a PBS documentary on an obscure European country? One is Beatlemania; the other is "Meet Albania!" (Steven Papier, Wheaton) Honorable Mentions: How is O.J. Simpson like the bloody glove? One is a prosecutor's perp; the other is a persecutor's prop. (Joseph Romm, Washington) How is the Capitol at night like President Clinton? One is visible in the city's lights; the other is visible in Liddy's sights. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) How is one Buddha figurine like another Buddha figurine? Each is a placid face above a flaccid place. (Matt Westbrook, Baltimore) How is a Washington Chinese restaurant like Rush Limbaugh? One is Mandarin Palace; the other is panderin' malice. (Alison Kamat, Washington) How is a Mellon-Rockefeller marriage like the result of skinny-dipping in a cold river? One is shrewd linkage; the other is lewd shrinkage. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) How is a champion golfer like a genetic engineer? One makes big-money putts; the other makes pig-bunny mutts. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) How is a conservative presidential candidate like a flying mammal that projectile-vomits? One is Pat Buchanan; the other is a bat puke cannon. (Joseph Romm, Washington) How is war like Newt Gingrich's sister? One is "c'est la guerre"; the other is "gay la soeur." (Steven Papier, Wheaton) How is Nancy Kerrigan like Miss Manners on a roller coaster? One says, "Why me?"; the other says, "My! Whee!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an old movie projector company like an awful name for a heavy-metal group? One is Bell & Howell; the other is Hell & Bowel (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) How is President Clinton's media image unlike that of House Speaker Newt Gingrich? One is an easy waffler; the other is an awful weaseler. (William Bradford, Washington) How is a hit song like Jack the Ripper? One is a chart topper; the other is a tart chopper. (Steven Papier, Wheaton) How is rotten parsley like Radovan Karadzic at his family farm? One is a sick herb; the other is a hick Serb. (Katie McBride, Alexandria, with Seumas Gillecriosd, Loudoun County) How is a Texas football team like a group of insensitive Chinese monks? One is the Dallas Cowboys; the other are the Callous Tao Boys. (John Garner, Silver Spring) How is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms like a sadistic Dale Evans? One's got a Good Ol' Boy Roundup; the other's got good ol' Roy bound up. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an earnest amateur golfer like a blind asphalt layer? One is craving a par; the other is paving a car. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) How is the Moscow Circus like "Star Trek"? One has unconventional bears; the other has unbearable conventions. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) How is a double martini like a proctologist? One packs a wallop; the other whacks a polyp. (John Chickering, Rockville) How is an illegal batter's ploy like a would-be Supreme Court justice who has been eaten by a jaguar? One is cork in a bat; the other is Bork in a cat. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) How is Tiny Tim like Michael Jackson? One is an androgynous freak; . . . oh wait, so is the other one. (Michael Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.) How is a piece of lawn furniture like a talkative nanny? One is a patio chair; the other is a chatty au pair. (Helen and Miriam Dowtin, Suitland) How is Catherine Deneuve like the secret behind Newt Gingrich's helmet head? One is "Belle du Jour"; the other is Gel du Boor. (Willy Hawkins, Washington) How is a blind pop star like how a Londoner would tell someone to avoid a space alien who'd just zapped a woman with a ray gun? One is Stevie Wonder; the other is "Weave! 'E stunned her!" (Steven Offutt, Arlington) How is a Christmas photo at the mall like what your child is sure to do for the photographer? One is Nick pose; the other is pick nose. (Mike Connaghan, Silver Spring) How is celibacy like an afternoon fling between bank tellers? One is safe sex; the other is safe sex. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) How is a lab rat on the space shuttle like Billy Joel? One is mating weightlessly; the other is waiting matelessly. (Edward Palm, Baltimore) How is a henpecked husband like a West Virginian? One's mate says "do, do, do"; the other's date says "moo, moo, moo." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) How is an inconsequential radio personality like what his motto should be? One is Don Imus; the other is I'm Dumbest. (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) ====================================================================== WEEK 128, published August 27, 1995 WEEK 128: LIKE, DUH To a cop: "Was I speeding?" No, I am going to give a ticket to everyone else on the road for driving too slow, and I was wondering if you'd be a witness against them. Are you asleep? Yes, I'm having a nightmare in which I'm bombarded with stupid questions. This week's contest: Come up with snappy answers to stupid questions -- the ones above or your own. Apologies to Mad magazine, which has been coming up with these comebacks for decades. "Hey, can we just use our favorite ones from Mad magazine?" [Snap.] First-prize winner gets a genuine mounted wild turkey head, neck and tail, suitable for wall hanging, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 126, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 128" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 28. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.u Honorable Mentions: REPORT FROM Week 125, "Ask Backward VI," in which we yet again asked for snappy questions to stupid answers, and received well over 2,000 entries, hundreds of them noting what Hugh Grant was wearing, and the noise he was making, that night in the BMW. Important notice: This competition -- which has been determined in a statistically rigorous survey to be the No. 1 Sunday reading material among men who leave for the office at 4:45 a.m. and who insist on giving the date as "02 November," even in conversation -- will no longer appall our readers with puerile cracks about urine or other intimate waste material. Our humor shall be droll -- not drool. Scatological humor is entirely unacceptable within these columns and will not be considered, let alone rewarded. - Fourth runner-up: Here's a hint: It's yellow. What is part of the last question on the West Virginia urologists' licensing exam? (Gene Van Pelt, Verona, Va.) - Third runner-up: Colon Powell: Who was No. 1 on Saddam Hussein's enemas list?(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) - Second runner-up: The world is my dumpster: What's the motto of the guy I saw jetting down I-66, tossing an empty cigarette pack from a car adorned with a bumper sticker that said "My kid beat up your honor student"? (Mike Thring, Leesburg) - First runner-up:What is a diagram of the former Prince's tragic pommel horse accident? (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) - And the winner of the book "Dave Barry Slept Here," printed in Japanese: Colon Powell: Who is America counting on to eliminate waste in government? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Tinker to Evers to Packwood: What famous double-play combination has no Chance at first base? (David Gionfriddo, Washington) One. Definitely Only One: What does Rain Man do at a urinal? (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) How many house calls does Dr. Jack Kevorkian make per patient? (Kathleen Brandli, Centreville) Mr. Quayle, how many E's are in "potato"? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) How many showers can the Wicked Witch of the West take? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The world is my dumpster: What was Jimmy Hoffa's motto during the first two weeks of his retirement in 1975? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Mickey Mantle's liver: Next to "Reagan's memory" and "Superman on horseback," what is the worst category the Czar possibly could have come up with? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) [And apologies to all who were victims of the most unfortunate timing, not to mention taste.] Three men and a crayfish: In his budget for "Waterworld II," how many extras is Kevin Costner permitted to hire? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Apollo 178: What would precede "Redskins 0" in a report of the game between Washington and the Albany Apollo? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What course did Dionysus fail in graduate school? (Robin D. Grove, Washington) What did the Italian waiter say when asked how many lire for the chicken dinner? (Tom LaManna, Herndon) Grant's pants: What are extra-large on Lou, sexy on Amy, blue on Ulysses and around the ankles of Hugh? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) What brand of slacks was created to compete with Lee jeans? (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel; Gary D. Michaels, Potomac) Colon Powell: What do you get by sitting too long on your presidential ambitions? (Michael Singer, Silver Spring) Very, very fat mice: What did Capt. Scott O'Grady hope for after five or six days of insects? (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) What do you get when very, very, very fat mice are injected with the fat-burning drug? (Steven Liu, Rockville) What was Divine Brown's first mug shot? (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Here's a hint: It's yellow. How did James Earl Jones's agent tell him about the job that would revitalize his career? (Michael Temple, Washington) Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? (Sara and Judith Jenkins, Washington) Sally Struthers and Homer the Blind Poet. Who wrote the Silliad? (Michael Singer, Silver Spring) Who are Mike Tyson's next two opponents? (Ben Lea, Lexington, N.C.) Who are two people whose careers peaked in the 8th century B.C.? (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Because it wouldn't work the other way. Why should one put on a condom before having sex? (Harold Rennett, Rockville) Why did the Republicans take over Congress? (Jim Jacobs, Arlington) Next Week: Everybody's Talkin' ====================================================================== WEEK 129, published September 3, 1995 Week 129: Remake Us Happy Die Hard With a Vengeance: The sparks really fly as hundreds of defective car batteries explode on a team of crooked mechanics. Operation Dumbo Drop: In this inspiring tale, a young boy transforms the lives of Vietnamese farmers with his gift of an amazing fertilizer. Dial M for Murder: On the Kansas plains, a jealous husband hires an unlikely hit woman: Dorothy Gale's aunt. This week's contest, suggested by Jacki Drucker of Arlington, is to come up with alternative story lines to movie titles, new or old. For her efforts, Jacki gets a very large mug in the shape of Dick Tracy's, er, mug. First-prize winner gets a sweatshirt and actually very nice fanny pack, both featuring the "Rolonda" talk show logo. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 129, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 129" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. (The Faerie notes sheepishly that we incorrectly advised entrants to last week's contest, "Like, Duh," to label their entries "Week 126" and announced that the deadline was, uh, the next day. Should have been "Week 128." And the actual deadline is Sept. 10, though we might let the entries trickle in a couple of days past that. Depends on the air pressure. Or at least the handwriting.) Report From Week 126, in which you were asked to fill in the word balloons for the pictures below. Thank ya very much, as half of you had Elvis saying. In Picture 3, not only did most people fail to recognize Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, but an astonishing number referred to the brown bear below as a "polar bear." And some guy, a Mr. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge, Va., ventured that it was either a bear or a dog. Well, you are correct, Mr. Smith. It was. Third runner-up: Girl 1: The mother ship said we must fit in. Girl 2: Then I shall try again to ingest these chicken arms. Girl 3: Be serene. They shall be coming for us soon.(Annie Wauters, Washington) Second runner-up: Newt: And see the congressional water slide over there? That's where the Commerce Department used to be. Kid: Gee, I didn't know Dilbert was so important. (Jess Lyon, Alexandria) First runner-up: Nixon & Elvis: Lordy, I hope my daughter never marries a man this goofy-looking. (Steven Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the real Nixon-Elvis print: Babbitt: In this compromise, we will preserve endangered species, but with a method less restrictive to property owners. Bear: Taxidermy? (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: Picture 1: Newt: Over there, we'll tear down EPA and put up a fat-rendering plant. Kid: Let's start with you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Newt: ... and that's how we'll balance the budget. Kid: I wonder what he'll say this time when I pull his string? (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Picture 2: 1: Well, you would not feel so all alone... 2: Everybody must get... 3: Cloned. (Mary W. Matthews, Germantown) 1: Thank God he's gone. 2: I thought we'd never get rid of him! 3: I don't know, I thought the Czar was kind of cute... (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) 1: Same clothes, same hair, same school... 2: Same thoughts, same religion, same color... 3: Why must we represent Republican "diversity"? (Steven M. Wilson, Vienna) Picture 3: Babbitt: I have nothing to hide: My mother was a bear. My father was a rabbit. So it's "Babbitt," okay? Jeez! Bear: You tell 'em, sonny. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) Babbitt: The Interior Department has solved the problem of bear attacks in our national parks. Bear: More Prozac, please. (Angela Cross, Riva, Md.) Babbitt: And I assure you that the habitat of my friend here will only be enhanced by our new pipeline. Bear: Put that thing an inch closer and I'll gnaw it off at the elbow. (Jim Pond, Silver Spring) Babbitt: Many West Virginia voters support my campaign. Bear: Hey, not so fast! I'm registered independent. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Picture 4: Nixon: Now I'm supposed to say something about "You are merely a hound dog." Elvis: I thought Kennedy would be better-looking. I can't believe Marilyn Monroe slept with this guy. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, and Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Nixon: That idiot Haldeman will have me posing with Ho Chi Minh next. Elvis: What's that whirring sound? Reminds me of the studio. (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville, and Rose Stack, Arlington) Nixon & Elvis: Thank goodness he's only a cardboard cutout. (Wendy Weinberg, Potomac; Russell Beland, Springfield) Nixon: It's a deal, then: I'll vote for the "thin" Elvis stamp ... Elvis: ... and I'll vote for the "good" Nixon stamp. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Next Week: Gadget if You Can. ====================================================================== WEEK 130, published September 10, 1995 WEEK 130: NICELY STATED Either, Or Ca, CA Uh, OH Getting HI Way to Go, CAL Before we get to this week's contest, the czar wishes to make a somewhat uncharacteristic announcement, inasmuch as he is not ordinarily known for his humility or willingness to admit error. Having just returned from an extended vacation in West Virginia, the czar hereby condemns and disavows all deprecatory humor that in the past may have appeared in this space at the expense of that noble state, which is a tableau of rolling vistas of indescribable beauty and filled with smart, funny, friendly people as well as other fabulous things, many of which have now been purchased as Style Invitational prizes. This week's contest was suggested by Thomas Sudbrink, of Washington, who wins a fancy disposable West Virginia Styrofoam car spittoon. Tom suggests that you create a fictional city to be humorously paired with a real state abbreviation. Any commonly used abbreviation will be acceptable. First-prize winner gets a genuine framed poster advertising the annual Tucker Co., W.Va., Hick Festival, featuring an ox roast, a women's crosscut saw competition, an ax-throwing contest, a turkey-calling contest and, of course, the annual coon chase. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 130, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Week 130" in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 127, in which you were asked to explain the uses for any of these five gadgets. But first, a special message to the readers from the publisher of The Washington Post: "On behalf of The board of directors, I would like to apologize for the auxiliary czar's ceaseless, unseemly sniping at the incumbent czar, an individual so universally beloved that any criticism of him is tantamount to slander of every man, woman and child in our circulation area. The Washington Post regrets the offense. The perpetrator will be punished and held personally accountable for any lasting damage done to my, I mean The Czar's, reputation. Thank you." * Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon 5) Arguing that smoking is safe, the Tobacco Institute compares the traditional, benign cigar with this "really, really bad cigar." (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Miss Daisy, driving her shofar. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) * First Runner-Up: (Cartoon 1) The gourmand super-hero Fatman, with his utility belt. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) * And the winner of the macrame clock:(Cartoon 4) On top of spaghetti / All covered with cheese, / I lost my poor meatball / When somebody sneezed. / But now I can find it / In one to ten days / Because my "On-Board Meatball Radio Tracking Device"/ has now been engaged. (Kevin P. Riley, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: (1) New sports fad: Zen fishing. Practitioner stands patiently on the beach until a fish leaps up and impales itself on the fork. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Original, discarded design for the forklift. (Lorraine Jacobs, New York) Hate to see those potentially tasty sea gulls that die in mid-flight go to waste? Well . . . (Leigh Ann Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) Collect all eight celebrity corncob holders. Pictured: Ernest Borgnine (Russell Beland, Springfield) Fred misunderstood what the New York cabby told him to do. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Emily Litella's husband demonstrates the prototype of the tanning fork. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Harpoonmaster. Next time you go barracuda fishing, use yourself as bait! (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick) (2) A handy scoop to pick up fallen mah jongg tiles. (Paul Styrene, Olney) The most effective contraceptive yet. (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) A Metamucil dowser. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A shoe horn. (Ed Walters, Chicago) (3) Mrs. Unabomber slips into something sexy on Saturday night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) New, improved truth-in-packaging graduation hats for Yale Law School. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore) During the Cold War, some spies had to make do with WWII ordnance instead of poison pills. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Iraqi land mine: When invading, godless Yankees see one of these alluring female decoys; they will attempt to dance with it, causing the pin to become dislodged and the bomb to explode. (John Kammer, Herndon) A Skylab hat, briefly popular in the mid-1970s. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The Sri Lankan nuclear program was hindered by its primitive delivery system. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) (4) Based on the success of the Maxwell Smart Shoe Phone, the Booger Satellite Link is an invaluable piece of modern spy equipment. (John P. Mulville, Vienna) Johnnie L.. Cochran unveils his latest scientific monitoring device, which proves beyond a reasonable doubt that O.J.'s poop does not stink. (Bill Szymanski, Vienna) George Washington Carver's peanut butter-powered depilatory machine. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) New, for you satellite-dish-equipped lumpy blobs everywhere -- your own personal human-shaped display stand! (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.) Aldrich Ames's son's Bumble Ball. (Bob and Lis Cascella, Falls Church) The Mallomar Observatory. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) (5) R.J. Reynolds proudly introduces a new and improved nicotine delivery system for those unable to inhale. (Saul S. Singer, Washington) Johnnie L. Cochran and his smoke-blowing device. (Jeannette Bunting, Leonardtown, Md.) Why Castro wasn't fooled by the CIA's exploding cigar. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Feminazi design for a male urethra scope. (Hugh Richards, Gaithersburg) * And Last: Something the winner of Week 127 will be happy to trade his macrame clock for. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore) ====================================================================== WEEK 131, published September 17, 1995 Week 131: Droodleysquat - A tomato sandwich, made by a real amateur. - David Letterman smiling. - A sperm on his day off. This week's contest was suggested by Jessica Steinhice of Washington, who wins an imitation cowflop frisbee. Jessica proposes that you come up with "droodles," simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. Droodles were big in the 1950s. Of course, Durward Kirby was also big in the 1950s. First-prize winner receives a realistic $35 snow globe music box depicting two rhinoceroses in a snowstorm of green glitter. Naturally, it plays "Born Free." Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 131, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 128, in which you were asked to come up with snappy answers to stupid questions. - Fourth Runner-Up: "Can I order a pizza?" "No, today we are delivering only gefilte fish."(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) - Third Runner-Up: To a tall man: "Do you play basketball?" "No. Do you play miniature golf?" (Jim Jacobs, Arlington) - Second Runner-Up: "Are those twins?" "No, they're triplets, but I only take out two at a time. I rotate the third, like tires." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel, who has twins) - First Runner-Up: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I should think not, officer! At these speeds I prefer to keep my eyes on the road, not on the speedometer." (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) - And the winner of the stuffed and mounted turkey head: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" "I think I am Rene Descartes. Therefore, I am Rene Descartes. Who do you think you are?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) - Honorable Mentions: To a kid in a candy store: "See anything you like?" "Nope, I just dropped in to squelch a cliche." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) "Will that be a table for one?" "No, for two. I'll be undergoing mitosis after the soup course." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "Are you sleeping?" "No, I was contacting the other side -- your grandmother said to tell you she always thought you were the stupid one." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Gee, officer, was I speeding?" "No, but your car was. I am going to have to take it down to the station." (Donal Hogan, Woodbridge) "Can we still be friends?" "Sure! Assuming you like to have raunchy sex with your friends." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Will that be a table for one?" (Break out in long, self-pitying sobs) (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) "What are you watching?" "I am watching a stream of collimated negatively charged leptons, known commonly as 'electrons,' bombard a phosphorescent matrix. A wavelength filter delineates the beams by photon energies, producing in combination a color table that reproduces natural wavelength emission. These come together using a time-dependent scanning technique at a frequency of approximately 30 Hertz, the end product of which is a dynamic two-dimensional representation of Gilligan dropping a coconut on the Skipper's head." (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) "Was I speeding, officer?" "No, I was. Please arrest me." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Why are you a vegetarian?" "It's not that I love animals. I hate vegetables." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) "Steve Young, you have just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next?" "Take a shower." (James A. Michaels, Potomac) "What are you, paranoid?" "No, but people keep spreading that rumor." (Russ Beland, Springfield) "Are you open?" "Well, I have the usual number of orifices, but I don't know if I'd consider myself open." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Doesn't he look natural?" "Only if you consider having rigor mortis, and your eyelids sewn shut, natural." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Is that the Capitol?" "No, it's the Taj Mahal, sahib." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Are you the Russ Beland of Springfield who gets printed every other week or so in the Style Invitational?" "No, I'm one of two Russ Belands of Springfield who each gets printed every fourth week or so." (Russ Beland, Springfield) - And Last: "Why didn't you print my entry?" "Because your material is so terrific The Post has decided, instead, to print a hardcover book featuring all the entries you've ever submitted, fully annotated, with a foreword by Bob Woodward." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Remake Us Happy ====================================================================== WEEK 132, published September 24, 1995 Week 132: Give Us the Backs off Our Shirts. Oh, shirt. It's that time again. We are redesigning our losers' T-shirt for the third time. Above is Bob Staake's new design for the front of the shirt. What should the shirt say on the back? Your goal is to somehow capture the spirit of the contest. First-prize winner gets a genuine antique felt bejeweled Shriner's fez, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 132, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 129, in which you were asked to come up with new plots for old movie titles. But first, some unfinished business. Several months ago, we asked you for your ideas on a redesign of our mildly sought-after bumper stickers, which are awarded to honorable mentions. We have chosen several for printing: Third Runner-Up: Who is The Czar and why does he hate me? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Second Runner-Up: Peel paper backing from sticker. Do not lick back of sticker. Holding ends, carefully place on bumper of car. Rub to smooth. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.) First Runner-Up: My Other Bumper Sticker Is Funny (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of the drinking ducks and plastic snot: F2 2U2 (adapted from entries by Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, and Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Back to the movies: Third Runner-Up: BOXING HELENA: Rocky Balboa's opponents just keep getting sillier. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: TORA! TORA! TORA!: The story of the Six-Day War. (Joseph Romm, Washington) First Runner-Up: VIVA LAS VEGAS!: A documentary on Christo's project to drape an entire city in paper towels. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) And the winner of the leather Rolonda fanny pack and shirt: SORRY, WRONG NUMBER: Independent filmmaker Michael Moore ("Roger & Me") asks many, many people to pick a number from 1 to 10. They all get it wrong and look foolish. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: ERASERHEAD: Lyle Lovett in concert. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) MISTER ROBERTS: Documentary; Lyle Lovett struggles to establish his own identity after divorce. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel) DIE HARD: The Nelson Rockefeller Story (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN: Dr. Jack Kevorkian's film guide for persons too poor to use his services. (Matthew Cuba, Fredericksburg) ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN: A documentary in which Bob Packwood, Clarence Thomas and Mel Reynolds explain how they get chicks. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) ALIEN NATION: A Republican propaganda film in which the United States does not heed Bob Dole's warnings, and now everyone speaks Urdu. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) THE CRYING GAME: Story of the recently widowed Anna Nicole Smith. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) MORTAL KOMBAT: The National Spelling Bee turns ugly. (Stu Solomon, Springfield) IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER: What's it like to be the child of a world-famous celebrity? Just ask George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman and George Foreman. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A FAREWELL TO ARMS: Documentary on the criminal justice system in Saudi Arabia. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK: Produced with the NEA under Sen. Jesse Helms's rules, this orientation film for college freshmen deals forthrightly with questions such as why women have to wear tops and men don't, whether it is true that women urinate differently from men, where do babies come from, etc. (Paul A. Stone, Silver Spring) TOTAL RECALL: The story of Yugo Motors Inc. (Joseph Romm, Washington) GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS: Sequel to "Pee-wee's Big Adventure." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1776: A week in the life of Wilt Chamberlain. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) M*A*S*H: The Bob Packwood Story. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Nicely Stated ====================================================================== WEEK 133, published October 1, 1995 Week 133: Like, Wow. Republicans are to Democrats as Those 7 Cigarette Company Executives are to the Chicago 7. Rocky IV is to Rocky as Where's Waldo is to Guernica This Week's Contest was proposed concurrently by Michael Farquhar of Washington and some guy whose name we forgot. A long time ago, Michael -- who recently left for a writing job after flushing 2 1/2 years of his life down the pooper as The Czar's flunky -- suggested a contest on the subject of analogies. But he could never come up with a single remotely funny example. The guy whose name we forgot came up with the splendid Chicago 7 example above, but as an inappropriate losing entry to an unrelated contest. So Michael wins one half of a $20 bill. The other half gets held in trust for the guy whose name we forgot, in case we ever remember or in case he ever contacts us with proof of authorship. Otherwise, Michael is screwed. Anyway, the contest is to come up with funny analogies like those above. First-prize winner gets a framed, drawn-to-scale poster depicting Penises of the Animal Kingdom, donated to the Style Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 133, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also sympathizes with those persons who wrote in politely to say they did not understand the winning bumper sticker slogan, "F2 2U2." The Faerie reminds those persons that the world is full of persons who do not "get" things. And that these persons are no less worthy than are persons who do "get" things, except for being generally dumber. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 130, in which you were asked to come up with city names to pair with existing state abbreviations. This contest provoked the highest response total to date, more than 30,000 entries. Dozens of good ones were too popular to reward with prizes: Chutz, Pa.; Phony, ID; Oompah, Pa.; Penis, NV; Praise, Ala.; Gimme, N.M.; Oye Como, Va.; Faux, Pa.; Aww, Fl.; and of course, Style Invitation, Al. As often happens when we get a gigantic response, the chances are greater than usual that we have inadvertently failed to give credit to entries that duplicate our winners. If you feel we have cheated you, submit your original entry in triplicate, together with a notarized statement establishing your claim, to: I WUZ ROBBED, c/o the New Republic, 1 Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, New York, N.Y. Next, we offer some free advice. Now listen up, because the Style Invitational does not believe in being reader-friendly more than once a year. When someone submits, say, a list of 75 entries, and the first 25 are without merit, the subsequent 50 get a fairly cursory going-over. Bing bang boing, right in the can, if you get our drift. So. If you are going to send in huge lists, you might want to put your best stuff atop or, even better, edit yourself. It pays off. Kitty Thuermer seldom enters. But when she does, the entry is usually very clever, and it is invariably one entry only, printed in BIG BLACK MAGIC MARKER LETTERS. In terms of batting average, Kitty Thuermer is Honus Wagner. Having said this, we are compelled to report that this week, one person submitted 240 entries, each on a separate slip of paper, each with its own return address, a stunning, impenetrable stack of mail three inches high. Moreover, this person accompanied his submission with a pathetic $1 bribe to curry favor with David, who is Farquhar's successor. David pocketed the buck. We are nothing if not sleaze bags. Anyway, of the guy's 240 entries, 239 of them were leaden, predictable, repetitious, devoid of even a semblance of humor. The 240th won the contest. No, we don't know what to make of it, either. But we felt we had to tell you. Fourth Runner-Up: Great Ganja, Mon. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Needaride, No. Car. (Ellen and Bruce Dean, Frederick; Paul Styrene, Olney) Second Runner-Up: Cntrl Alt, Del. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; John Kammer, Herndon; Anne Oliveira, Arlington; Thomas Sudbrink, Washington) First Runner-Up: Tudor Moon, Alas. (Tammy Petrillo, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the framed West Virginia Hick Festival poster: Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, MD. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: Brezh, Nev. (Tristan Siegel, Charlottesville; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Nottubrite, RI (Bob Thurston, Woodbridge) Solipsism, Me. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Ham Sam, Mich. (Anna Shaw, McLean; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Iglattin, PA (John Machado, Vienna) Only 200, Cal. (John Kammer, Herndon) OhyesohyesohYESYESYESOH, Oh. (John Kammer, Herndon; Celeste Yousoof, Germantown) CH3, OH (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Phhtphht, Ak., Bill the Cat's hometown (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Inasmuch, Az. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) Made, In., USA (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Inoperable, Mass. (John H. Tuohy, Arlington) Far Merinda, Del. (Jerrold Witcher, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Imonbreak, OK (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Diabetic Co., Ma. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Green Eggs, N. Ham. (Bob Ullom, Silver Spring) Dry Vinon, MT (Rich Hoffman, Fairfax) Cowabun, Ga. (Richard Rosen, Silver Spring) Barmitz, Va. (Harry Richardson, Laurel) Great Grand, Ma. (Michael Temple, Washington) Lillol, Me. (Barry Talsky, Bowie) Ididntouchyourhooters, Miss. (Edward S. Costley, Laurel) Rectal, Colo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And Last: Chucksmith, Alas. (Jim Kimble, Silver Spring) ====================================================================== WEEK 134, published October 8, 1995 Week 134: A Simple Clerihew Error After the trial of O.J. Simpson American jurisprudence, as we know it, limps on. If it was a game, the running back definitely won it But, then, whodunit? Joseph 'Joey' Buttafuoco Went on a long vacation in Acapulco Hoping to meet a Young, pistol-packing, wife-assassinating chiquita. The ghost of Liberace Spends the evening hours in my attic playing nonstop boccie. Noisy is this lad! Someone get this dead weenie out of my house or I'll get very mad. This week's contest was proposed by our Aunt Ethel. She suggests reviving clerihews, a deservedly extinct poetic form that is, like our Aunt Ethel, a bit old-fashioned but still full of pith and vinegar. The thing we like about clerihews, which were invented in the early 1900s by mystery writer E. Clerihew Bentley, is that they defy all efforts to define or explain them. We shall try: A clerihew is a biographical poem in four lines divided into two rhyming couplets. The rhyme scheme is aa bb. The first line of the clerihew must contain the name of the subject of the poem. And here is the catch: The poem may not scan. The lines must be of disparate length and meter, the clunkier the better. Extra credit will be given for cleverly painful rhymes and cleverly inept meter. First prize winner receives one of our greatest prizes ever, a genuine lobster trap obtained for the Style Invitational in St. Paul, Newfoundland, by Yvonne Easter Driggers of Reston and transported to the nation's capital on the top of her motor home. We are so overwhelmed by the magnanimosity of this prize that we will refrain at the current time from making fun of the name of Ms. Yvonne Easter Driggers of Reston, though we reserve that right for a later time and place. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 134, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also wonders if anyone knows what an "Easter Drigger" is. Best explanation wins a prize. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 131, in which we asked you to come up with new Droodles, simple geometric drawings with funny explanations. This contest engendered a lot of tired old plagiarism: Two men walking a breast; a man in a sombrero riding a bicycle, etc. Best entry by a plagiarist was from Paul Kondis of Alexandria, who submitted two paperback books of Droodles by Roger Price, but scratched out the author's name and substituted his own. - Second Runner-Up: What a dyslexic sees in his rearview mirror.(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) - First Runner-Up: Jack Kevorkian's signature. (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego) - Honorable Mentions: A pet snake door. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What you get when you order 'half plain, half pepperoni' from a West Virginia pizzeria. (Kathy Weisse, Sykesville) George Stephanopoulos's getaway car. (Dan Royer, Alexandria) John Elway completes a touchdown pass with no time left against the Redskins. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) - And the winner of the rhinoceros snow globe: Four pinheaded high school athletes looking down a well at their deposed coach. (Sally Booher, Midland, Va.) Tom Arnold's tattoo of Roseanne. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A poodle hiding under an anvil. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Captain Hook's bowling ball. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The first seesaw. (Linda K. Bakley, Falls Church) Next Week: Give Us the Backs Off Our Shirts ====================================================================== WEEK 135, published October 15, 1995 The Style Invitational; Week 135: Jerry-Built Solutions Why do they call them windbreakers? Who would wear something that claims to break wind? What is it with paneling on refrigerators and dishwashers? They aren't furniture. Why are we pretending we have furniture in the kitchen? Large pieces of furniture plugged into the wall? What's the deal with these blood pressure tests I see them giving in shopping malls? Do you really want to go to a mall when you need top medical attention? Oooo, looks like Uncle Murray may need an emergency appendectomy -- better rush him down to The Gap! This Week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a set of 1950s-vintage galoshes for a dog. Jean suggests that you come up with Seinfeld-isms: whiny, quirky musings on little questions of life. First-prize winner receives a fabulous Elvis doll commemorating his "Jailhouse Rock," value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 135, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. The Faerie also notes that the sudden precipitous disappearance of Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills from this contest coincides precisely with the sudden, precipitous ascendancy of one Thomas Litz of Bowie. Coincidence? Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 132, in which you were invited to come up with a slogan for the back of the new Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt, the front of which is pictured at right (This chart was not available). Third Runner-Up: Pooperty of The Washington Post (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: The Back No One Reads (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Print This Slogan, Keep Me From Bombing Again (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg) And the winner of the bejeweled Shriners' fez: (This chart was not available)(George C. Montgomery, Bethesda) Honorable Mentions: LOSt ti. Love it. Any REal Sin? (David Smith, Greenbelt) Will Trade Shirt for Respect (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Owner Carries Less Than $50. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kicking Name and Taking Butts (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) How's My Wearing? If you see this shirt being worn in an unsafe manner, fax 334-4312 (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Body Inspected by Alien #7 (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Take My Life, Please (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Insert colostomy bag here (This chart was not available) (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Eureka! A Way to Measure the Volume of a Toaster! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) I'm Not a Loser, But I Play One on F2. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) We Eat Our Dead. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence, Style Invitational Winner (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) I Slay Me. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) At Least They Gave Me Bread and Water (Jim and Tana Reagan, Herndon) Beats Dying On the Crapper! (Tommy Litz, Bowie) All I Ever Won Was This Toaster. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Embarrassing Our Nation's Capital Since 1993. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) West Virginia Hot Tubs, Inc. (Joel Kawer, Gaithersburg) Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another? (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) It's Also the Wrong Size. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Onward and Downward (This chart was not available) (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Like Wow ====================================================================== WEEK 136, published October 22, 1995 Week 136: New End In Sight * New end for Moby Dick: Captain Ahab maneuvers a pressurized oxygen canister into the whale's mouth, and then harpoons it, setting off a tremendous explosion and blowing the whale to smithereens. * New end for Death of a Salesman: No longer appreciated as a shoe salesman, octogenarian Willie Loman finds a second career selling illegal nuclear devices to the Iraqis. * New end for Gone With the Wind: Stating that she'll "never go hungry again," Vivien Leigh grabs an AK-47, storms a McDonald's and makes off with a year's supply of Big Macs. This Week's Contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins a West Virginia bathroom door knocker, in which you knock according to a code that reveals your degree of desperation ("Three Knocks: Hurry, Man, Hurry"). Now that Demi Moore has given a happier ending to "The Scarlet Letter," Mr. Romm suggests we come up with new endings to make other literary classics more suitable for Hollywood in the 1990s. Originals can be books, plays or even old movies to be updated. First-prize winner receives a magician's "Scoop Out Your Eye With a Soup Spoon" trick, a gift donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, who is, according to his letterhead, "America's Funniest Office Products Dealer." The apparatus is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 136, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads thanks Kitty Thuermer of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads and officially gives Russ Beland of Springfield a credit, suitable for framing, for the Bob Packwood entry below. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 133, in which we asked you to come up with analogies. * Fifth Runner-Up: Guilt is to innocence as O.J. Simpson is to Maggie Simpson. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) * Fourth Runner-Up: Ketchup is to vegetables as Ronald Reagan was to the presidency. (Elijah Tucker, 13, Kensington) * Third Runner-Up: Estrogen is to testosterone as housewarming is to arson. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: Style Invitational is to Style as funny bone is to funny. (Leonard Greenberg, Sterling) * First Runner-Up: Dole is to ol' as Newt is to ew. (Stephen Offutt, Arlington) * And the winner of the framed poster featuring comparative-size drawings of animal wee-wees: A good joke is to its explanation as sex is to trying to have a baby. Get it? It takes all the fun out of it! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) * Honorable Mentions: An Arkansan is to the White House as a washboard is to the National Symphony Orchestra. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Dogs are to cats as favorite uncles out on parole are to 10th-grade Latin teachers. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Congressional Republicans are to the federal government as a lawn mower is to crabgrass. And daisies. And tulips. And . . . (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Madonna is to Marilyn as carob is to chocolate. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Gus Frerotte is to Heath Shuler as a $1.99 burger is to a $ 5 piece of sushi. (Steven King, Alexandria) Bill Clinton is to Newt Gingrich as the Pillsbury Doughboy is to the Pillsbury Doughboy with fangs. (Ted Hudson, Alexandria) Analogies are to non sequiturs as non sequiturs are to flashlights. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Giant is to Safeway as flat chests are to really nice hooters. (B. Packwood, Portland, Ore.) Those big wads of cotton in the tops of medicine bottles are to aspirin what tofu is to Chinese food. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Lust is to love as an electrical fire in the basement is to a wood fire in the Franklin stove. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Balancing the budget is to Congress as Hobbes is to Calvin. (Roy Highberg, Bentonville) As is to analogies as is to is to analogies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bob Dole is to humor as Pringles is to diversity. (Paul F. Krause, Fredericksburg) The LAPD is to defense lawyers as Paul Mellon is to the National Gallery. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "I'm outta" is to "here" as one shoe dropping is. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) George Washington is to the cherry tree as Jack Kevorkian is to the family tree. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) The Unabomber is to a good point as an appendix is to . . . uh, never mind. No relation there. No sirree. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Squirrel is to alarm clock as cable deregulation is to lower rates. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Bob Packwood is to an honored, respected lawmaker as Bob Packwood is to a real macho studmuffin. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) The Style Invitational is to subliminal messages as Honorable Mention is to Mike Connaghan. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) * And Last: Style Invitational is to The Washington Post as two heads are to a calf. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Steve Offutt of Arlington is to the The Style Invitational as the Chicago Cubs are to the Stanley Cup. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) A1 is to F2 as AA is to DTs (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The Style Invitational is to poop jokes as cow is to pie. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Next Week: A Simple Clerihew Error ====================================================================== WEEK 137, published October 29, 1995 Week 137: Velvis Lives The Style Invitational Proudly Announces Its Acquisition of The Annie Groer Collection, Some of the Finest Items of Crap Ever Assembled in One Place By One Human Being. The centrepiece of Ms. Groer's collection is this gangrenous objet d'art, a velvet Elvis of breathtaking artistic incompetence. Adding to its value is its size, a robust 3 feet by 2 feet. The contest is to come up with a title and/or art gallery blurb for this painting; best entry wins it. It is worth $6 million. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 137, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 133, in which we asked you to write clerihews, biographical four-line rhyming poems characterized by odious rhyme and meter, as pioneered by mystery writer E. Clerihew Bently. Awfully good entries, and we mean that literally. Clerihews are a rather disreputable poetic form. (Or, as Richard Stromberg of Fairfax Station wrote, "E. Clerihew Bentley/ Had not much to do, evidently.") Fourth Runner-Up: Ross Perot, jeez, His ears look like boiled pirogis. His voice is as shrill as a barking Chihuahua. It makes me want to turn on "20/20" and listen to Barbara Walters.(Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Third Runner-Up: Socrates Considered drinking anti-freeze But decided on another poison, which he sucked up like a Greek-philosopher-Hoover, Which today, of course, we call the Hemlock Maneuver. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: Heath Shuler, the multi-million-dollar quarterback, was a high draft pick, His greedy holdout made me sick. Then Gus's star arose, And megabucks is on the bench, picking splinters and his nose. (Jack Shreve, Kensington) First Runner-Up: Anyone who has heard the rock-and-roll singing of action star Bruce Willis Knows what shrill is. His whole notes howl, his half-notes warp and waver, But he's been known to make a lovely Demi semi-quaver. (David Smith, Greenbelt) And the winner of the Newfoundland lobster trap: If the presidential race were to be enlivened by the candidacy of retired Gen. Colin Powell, He would run real hard and never throw in the towel, But what if his platform is rudely challenged as vague and overly elastic? Would Colin go spastic? (Jerry Belenker, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Assistant District Attorney Marcia Clark, of variable coif, Tried her case but couldn't pull it off. While defender Johnnie Cochran "played the card" and "talked the talk," A silent O.J. "walked the walk." (Joseph A. Pappano, Washington) Would I be worried if I were Paula Barbieri? Very. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Caspar Weinberger was Ronald Reagan's secretary of defense. Did you ever get one of those ideas in your head that doesn't make any sense? For example, when I see Cap on TV, I get this mental picture that I just can't ignore, no matter what I do. I think: Dustin Hoffman at 72. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Christopher Columbus thought he'd met his acid test: To find the East Indies he sailed far out into the west. "I've found them!" he cried at last, his confidence unshaken, He was mistaken. (William Bradford, Washington) When you've a name like John F. Kennedy Jr. The expectations could be enough to ruin ya Especially if folks expected to hear between yer Lines the voice of John F. Kennedy Sr. (David Smith, Greenbelt) It's a shame that Packy got the boot. Although if he'd asked me I could have told the dumb galoot That it's foolish enough to screw the girls and write about it in your diary, But to screw the good ol' boys instead is sheer suiciary. (Mimi Herman, Baltimore) Napoleon Bonaparte, in his final St. Helena days, Was beset with cliches. Imagine some wag saying, "Face it, Nappie, you're through" At last you've met your Waterloo. (William Bradford, Washington) Detective Mark Fuhrman Displayed sentiments which one would normally expect from a 1930s German . . . (Paul Briggs, Chestertown) Verily, the parking of Stephanopoulos, Doth parallel the laws of Darwin articulated after years of study in the Galapagos: When naturally selected, thou has a right to ignore the cars thou hittest, It's survival of the fittest. (Phyllis Fung, Bruce Feiler, Andy Cowan, Washington) Colin Powell, Is an entrant's dream because his last name rhymes with bowel, And his first name Is a homonym for the same. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And last: Chuck Smith and poop Go together like sandwich and soup ... (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Jerry-Built Solutions ====================================================================== WEEK 138, published November 5, 1995 WEEK 138: LIST BUT NOT LEAST 1. Three Reasons the Cold War Should Be Started Up Again: 2. Three Lessons to be Learned From the O.J. Trial: 3. Three Totally New Euphemisms for The Sex Act: 4. Three Questions That Should Never Be Asked at a Presidential Debate: This week's contest was suggested by Paul Styrene of Olney, who of course stole it from David Letterman. Paul wins a genuine nine-carat diamond brooch, but he will have to steal it from Mervis Diamond Importers Inc. Paul suggests that you come up with Top-10-style lists for any of the above four subjects. Your list can be as long as you wish; three is just a guide. First-prize winner gets a plastic medical model of the human foot, from the vaunted Annie Groer Collection, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 138, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, we have recently become aware that "Paul Styrene of Olney" is a pseudonym. We do not encourage the use of pseudonyms, but inasmuch as Mr. "Styrene" is practically a charter member of the Style Invitational fraternity of pitiful losers, a longtime loyal contributor whose witty entries have entertained millions of readers for more than two years, we will at this time thoroughly humiliate him, not only by publishing his photograph, which we have secretly obtained, but by inviting readers to suggest what his real name might be -- evidently a name so mortifying he found it necessary to hide his identity behind a lame pun. Best suggestion wins an umbrella advertising condoms from French-speaking Africa. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 135, in which we asked you to come up with Seinfeld-isms. Second Runner-Up: What's with the people who put carpet on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) First Runner-Up: What's this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) And the winner of the Elvis doll: Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is that about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except Seeing Eye dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? (Russell Beland, Springfield) Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? (Joseph Romm, Washington) If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? (Bruce Goldfarb, Baltimore) Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? (Michael K. Keney, Silver Spring) Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? (John Wallington, Silver Spring) What's with these people who push elevator buttons that are already lighted? Do they think that the elevator will arrive any faster? I'd like to see elevator buttons with lights that go out if you touch them when they're lighted, thereby canceling the request. Then these people will think twice. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) So, like, why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? (Sharon Waters, Alexandria) How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? (Jel Knanishu, Hyattsville) All the king's horses and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? (John J. Callebaut, Arlington) Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I though we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!" (Anthony Silk, California, Md.) Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the detergent white! (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. (Chuck Snowdon, Arlington) Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H? (Lee Hurwitz, Silver Spring) The Last of the Topekans ... Why Johnny Can't Breed ... Ready? Aim? Friar! Announcing a Special Secret Style Invitational Challenge: For reasons that will at this time have to remain a deep mystery, we are looking for headlines like the ones above. The winning entries will be ten words or fewer, entail the prominent use of a pun, and seem plausibly like a headline for a story that might appear in The Washington Post. We want the headlines only, not the story; the subject matter of the story should be open to interpretation. Entries may be submitted to The Style Invitational through the usual channels. Specify: 'Secret Headline Challenge.' Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. The winners, chosen for humor and originality, will obtain everlasting cheesy fame plus some really crummy prizes. Next Week: New End in Sight ====================================================================== WEEK 139, published November 12, 1995 Week 139: Employment Lines Bob Packwood's biographer Taste tester for Syrup of Ipecac Agent for McLean Stevenson, Bert Convy and Richard Dawson This week's contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a box of chicken-flavored Rice-A-Roni. Jean suggests that you come up with jobs that make even your crummy job seem good. First-prize winner gets a huge plastic mailbox that is an exact replica of a Redskin helmet, a value of $32. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 139, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to commiserate once again with all those people who keep writing in, begging for information about The Ear No One Reads. Listen, folks. If we told you where it was, it would not be The Ear No One Reads anymore, now would it? It would be The Ear Everyone Reads, and American journalism might never recover. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks T. Meriwether Jones of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads, which is right where it always is and always has been and always will be forever and ever and ever. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 136, in which you were asked to come up with new Hollywood-happy endings for classic works of film or literature. Fourth Runner-Up -- New end for Kafka's "Metamorphosis": Giant bug runs amok, terrifying community. Lovestruck gal scientist tries to save it, but Air Force blows it to smithereens. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Third Runner-Up -- New end for "Oedipus Rex": Oedipus comes back to town, kills his father, marries his mother and then blinds himself. However, it turns out he was adopted! He finds his birth mother, who is a brilliant eye surgeon and who restores his sight after a 16-hour operation featuring tight closeups of knitted brows over surgical masks. (Steven King, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up -- New end for "Thelma & Louise": As the getaway convertible sails through the air off the cliff, Thelma pushes a button releasing a giant parachute over the car, letting it drift safely down. Suddenly, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid land in the back seat, having leapt off the other side of the cliff! A mid-air make-out session ensues . . . (Honus Thuermer, Washington) First Runner-Up -- New end for "Psycho": Norman Bates is acquitted because his mom's dress doesn't fit him. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) And the winner of the Pop-Out-Your-Eye-With-a-Soup-Spoon magician's illusion: New end for "Citizen Kane" -- The reporter discovers that Rosebud was Kane's sled. He rescues it from the furnace and uses it to enter the Olympic luge event, winning a gold medal. (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: "The Sound of Music": The family Von Trapp and their cook, played by Steven Seagal, come out to accept their award. The cook shoots out the lights and lobs off a couple of stun grenades, easily overpowering the Nazis. The cook then goes on to defeat Hitler single-handedly and the horrors of World War II are avoided. (John Kammer, Herndon) "Woodstock": A representative of the National Park Service comes on the screen and explains that an estimated 10,000 people attended the concert. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Rear Window": Raymond Burr, acting as his own attorney, successfully defends himself against the murder charges by impeaching the eyewitness testimony of Jimmy Stewart, who'd seen an invisible rabbit before, too. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) "Waiting for Godot": Godot finally shows up in a time machine, explaining that he has come from the future to warn Estragon and Vladimir that he is not going to show up. (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Pygmalion": Because he has become accustomed to her face, Professor Higgins chops off Eliza's head and keeps it in the freezer. (The West Springfield High School OM-Classics team, Springfield) "Beowulf": It turns out Grendel had a son . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) "Rocky II": With a stunning haymaker in the second round, Apollo Creed kills Rocky Balboa, saving us from future remakes. (John Kammer, Herndon) "Grapes of Wrath": The Joads move back to Oklahoma, where one day, shootin' for some food, they discover some bubblin' crude . . . (Joseph Romm, Washington) "2001": Right after they disable HAL, something comprehensible happens. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "The Bridge Over the River Kwai": They blow up the bridge. "The Bridges of Madison County": They blow up the bridges. "The Fabulous Baker Boys": They blow up Jeff Bridges. "Marathon Man": The sadistic dentist puts in a bridge without Novocain. Then he blows it up. (All by Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "Crime and Punishment": Raskolnikov, acquitted in the murder of his landlady by his "Dream Troika" of lawyers, engages in a lifelong search for the real killer. (Adam Korengold, College Park; Edward Belfar, Baltimore) "Old Yeller": Boy completes the unenviable task of killing his beloved but rabid pet; then he turns gun on himself. Slo-mo scene of his head exploding. Fade to black. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Moby Dick": The ending is unchanged, except for a new epilogue in which Moby rejoins his worried mate. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga, Tenn.) "La Boheme": Instead of dying of consumption, Mimi dies of a new drug-resistant strain of consumption. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Othello": Othello plays the race card and gets off. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Heidi": Oakland Raiders 41, New York Jets 28. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) "The Natural": In his last at-bat in the final championship game, Roy Hobbes breaks his favorite bat. Then, with two strikes on him and using the batboy's bat, he hits a superhuman monumental game-winning home run that strikes the light stanchion far above the right field stands, causing a major malfunction of the electrical system and all the lights in the stands to explode in sequence, sending showers of sparks in a magical display to rain down around him while he triumphantly rounds . . . no, better yet, while he, IN SLOW MOTION, triumphantly rounds the bases, the orchestra music crescendos to a majestic fortissimo, and the crowd cheers deliriously. (Steve Offutt, Arlington) And last: "Oedipus Rex": Upon learning that he has killed his father and married his mother, Oedipus banishes himself to far-off West Virginia . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Velvis Lives ====================================================================== WEEK 140, published November 19, 1995 Week 140: What If You Give It a Try? What if, instead of gasoline, Henry Ford's internal combustion engine had used dried sheep dung as fuel? America would have low unemployment because each car would have to pull a tender and fireman, and Scotland would control the world economy. What if Adam had been a cannibal? We wouldn't be here. What if the Pilgrims had landed on the West Coast? Come this Thursday, we would be sitting down to the traditional Thanksgiving dinner of sauteed mahi-mahi, avocado stuffing, candied arugula, and strawberry daquiries. This week's contest was suggested, independently, by Elden Carnahan, of Laurel, and Kathy Kevany, of Silver Spring, who each win a slice of realistic white bread made of foam rubber. If they find each other and pool their booty, they have a sandwich. Otherwise, they go hungry. More on this affair as it develops. Elden and Kathy suggest that you come up with What If scenarios and logical outcomes. First-prize winner gets an Army-issue gas mask, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 140, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 137, in which we asked you to come up with a title and/or art gallery blurb for this Elvis on black velvet. Could it be that Style Invitational readers lack culture? Most of you had no idea what to do with this contest, as though you had never been to an art gallery or read an art book. We wanted pretentious artbabble, but most of the 1,200 entries delivered snide captions and caustic one-liners more appropriate to Open-Mike Night at the Improv. Many of these were very funny. Alas, they are honorable mentions only. Fortunately, those who did get it right got it very right. Second Runner-Up: PLEASE RELEASE ME (Taiwanese, 1977). With its masterfully airbrushed chiaroscuro background of fabrique noir, this tour de force depicts the King's revelation that he, like Christ, would be sighted after his death. Note the parallel apostolic symbolism of the dozen dazzling stars on Elvis's jacket and the Tinkerbell-inspired angels floating above the microphone. Elvis is trapped in his public persona, as he is trapped on the velvet of the painting. He is unable to escape the two-dimensional prison of popular culture. (George Griffith, Lovettsville; Ellen Lamb, Washington) First Runner-Up: The Appalachian folk art masterpiece "Four Notched Pieces of Wood" was discovered recently in the Annie Groer Collection. It will be put on permanent display following a cleaning, waxing and the removal of a piece of stained blackish velvet material. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) And the winner of the Velvis: LOVE ME GENDER Anon. American, c. 1990 (Oil on Troubled Velvet) This epochal, post-American naive rendering evokes hermaphroditic motifs epitomizing rampant confusion of sexuality and patriotism characteristic of the late 20th century. A popular entertainer, styled "The King" by his fanatic devotees, is depicted in antithetical forms that mimic the unevolved psycho-social premises of the era. The King wears a feminine coiffure known as a Prince Valiant, itself being a transsexual adaptation. The low brow connotes the milieu, while the lineage of the eyes, nose and cheeks suggests a painful masculine quest. The eye is led downward through a Der Fuhrer mouth (echoing Edvard Munch's "Der Schrei") and thence to an ancien dame chin of greatly exaggerated proportions. The torso and arm are masculine, while the effeminate neckline plunges though successive structures directed insistently toward the pelvis. From this tantalizing region 12 stars erupt in an ejaculatory paean to the United States. The mystical, prime 13th star remains obscured at the uncertain nexus. The viewer is drawn into an endless autoerotic cycle, against the backdrop of the infinite darkness surrounding, embracing and overwhelming the figure, who seems to cry out for immortality amidst the vortex of oblivion. (John Rather, Washington) Honorable Mentions: The best thing about this picture is that when you hold it between yourself and the sun, it helps prevents skin cancer. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Portrait of Elvis the Pelvis's twin brother, Enis. (Ray Cohen, Fredericksburg) This piece can fill the gap in your decor that somehow seems wrong for duct tape. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Proposed logo for the rejected 1995 NFL expansion team, the Memphis Presleys (shown in helmet). (Ben Feldman, Washington) Frustrated by absence of the King, velvet artists turn to impersonators for inspiration. (Randy Wadkins, Silver Spring) ELVISA -- Visa card from First National Bank of Graceland. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) LEGO LAS VEGAS -- This painting was commissioned by Lego Industries Inc. for display in its corporate headquarters. It is the Lego characterization of Elvis, complete with the distinctive dome haircut worn by the toy company's human figures. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) "It is amazing. I am in awe of the effort. It must have taken hours." -- LeRoy Neiman (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) The Kentucky School for the Blind proudly announces the recent acquisition, for $6 million, of its first original van Gogh. (John Kammer, Herndon) And Last: "Apples With Basket" American abstract, artist unknown. (Dave Ferry, Potomac) ====================================================================== WEEK 141, published November 26, 1995 The Style Invitational; Week 141: Ask Backward VII Wet Hogs in Hot Pants The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco Harold P. Christ Monstrous Pillars of Interstellar Gas A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen Hammer(a pic of Hobbes the tiger) Twelve Angry Mennonites Larry S Truman Ace Ventura and the Hon. William Rehnquist St. Augustine of Hippo, but Not Fat Joe Waldholtz Betty Rodham Boop Mailbombs and Broomsticks This Week's Contest has become something of a Style Invitational seasonal tradition, like congealed giblet gravy. You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a rare rubber Walter Mondale Halloween mask, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 141, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec 4 . Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 138, in which we asked you to write Letterman-like list items for one of four subjects: Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial; questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate; reasons to bring back the Cold War; and totally new euphemisms for sex. First Runner-Up: A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate: "What is the most ethnically offensive word or phrase you have ever heard, and will you please use it in a sentence?" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) And the Winner of the plastic model of a human foot: A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate: "If elected, would you prefer to be assassinated by a Middle Eastern terrorist, an American right-wing extremist or a member of a fanatical religious sect?" (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: Totally new euphemisms for the sex act 5. "Makin' zygotes." (Paul Styrene, Olney) 4. "Practicing docking maneuvers." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 3. "The beast with four kidneys." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 2. "Carnal tunnel syndrome." (Joel Bernstein and Donna Singletary, Arlington) 1. "Negotiating with Chairman Arafat." (Bob London, Washington) Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial 7. Tonya wasn't so bad. (Steven King, Alexandria) 6. White Broncos make nice pace cars. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) 5. Idiot racist cops are actually conspiracy masterminds. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) 4. The conscientious murderer always wears properly fitting designer gloves. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) 3. Always use the Lost & Found. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) 2. Handy tip for jurors: Thoughtfully deliberating and carefully reflecting on months of proceedings, dozens of witnesses and reams of conflicting evidence is an arduous task -- but it doesn't have to take all day. (Allan Rostron, N.Y.C.) 1. Marcia Clark ought to have that black thing on her lip checked out. (Bill Moulden, Frederick) Reasons the Cold War should be started again 3. It will give the militias something real to worry about. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 2. It might keep Bob Hope out of the country more. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) 1. Because "C'mon baby, we could be dead in six minutes" just doesn't work like it used to. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate: 10. "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) 9. "Has it ever occurred to you that the Electoral College does not have a football team? Should it?" (Steve Cohen, Reston) 8. "Can I be your press secretary?" (Adam Korengold, College Park) 7. "Who are you? Why are you here?" (Stu Segal, Vienna) 6. "Have you had any affairs with loose, attractive women? If so, may I have their phone numbers?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) 5. "Would-ums wike some pudding?" (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) 4. "To candidate Number 1: Where have you been? Why haven't you called? I thought we had something beautiful, something special." (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.) 3. "What one piece of information would be most damaging to your campaign if it were revealed?" (Eric Stone, Arlington) 2. "If you were a man trapped in a woman's body, would you wear conservative flats or radical heels?" (Tina McMullin, Hagerstown) 1. "Excuse me for interrupting, but would any of you gentlemen happen to know exactly how long before a grenade blows up after the pin is pulled?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Next Week: Employment Lines ====================================================================== WEEK 142, published December 3, 1995 Week 142: Exhibiting Bad Tendencies LONDON, Nov. 28 (Reuter) -- The split carcasses of a cow and its calf floating in green formaldehyde clinched Britain's most controversial art award, the Turner Prize, on Tuesday. Artist Damien Hirst won $30,000. "Mother and Child Divided" beat out three finalists, including Beirut-born Mona Hatoum, who submitted a 12-minute video of the inner recesses of her body. The winner has been praised for its presentation of death without disgust or emotion. Some art critics say it contains elements of the Madonna and Child. The Turner prize says its aim is to expand Britons' ideas of what is art. Last year the prize was won by sculptor Antony Gormley, who risks suffocation by making mummified casts of his own naked body. In 1993, sculptor Rachel Whiteread won the prize for filling a London terraced house with concrete, turning it into a mausoleum. As soon as this wire story crossed our desk, we abandoned the contest we were planning. This Week's Contest is to come up with next year's Turner Prize winner. You must describe the exhibit and name it. Optional embellishment: Include an art critic's praise. First-prize winner gets his choice of any item from Dave Barry's gift guide. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 142, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 139, in which we asked you to come up with jobs crummier than yours. Yeah, yeah, we know: Backup shortstop for the Orioles. The Unabomber's mailman. A special thank-you to Post science writer John Schwartz, who informs us that during the early stages of product testing, the company that makes artificial no-calorie fat noticed a problem with, um, butt seepage. This required the company to conduct a medical study in which someone had to function as an official underpants-stain inspector. We agree with John that this is the worst job in the history of the world. Important note: The company reports that the butt seepage problem has now been -- ha ha -- rectified. Winning a special award for actually having had the world's second-worst job is Nicole Stewart of Hughesville, who worked for a summer on a farm as an Assistant Turkey Sperm Collector. Presumably, Nicole had to do all those things the Principal Turkey Sperm Collector, by virtue of his higher standing, refused to do. Nicole wins a realistic rubber severed finger. Before we report this week's results, we proudly announce the winner of the special contest to come up with "Paul Styrene's" real name, a name obviously so awful and embarrassing that Mr. Styrene has chosen to appear in this contest for two years under a goofy alias. Tom Witte of Gaithersburg wins a bag of dried herring from Japan for his entry: "Buckwheat Farrakhan." Back to rotten jobs. Second Runner-Up: Lambada instructor to Al Gore. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) First Runner-Up: Professional Salman Rushdie impersonator. (Jo Burton, Fairfax) And the Winner of the huge plastic Redskins helmet mailbox: The private detective O.J. hires to find the real killer. (Virginia Maggi, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: The first male Hooters waitperson. (J.S. Duke, Tall Timbers, Md.; Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The driver of a four-cylinder 18-wheeler. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The guy who has to go around removing all those Sri Chinmoy posters. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) A baby-corn shucker. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plastic surgeon. (Courtney Knauth, Washington) Hollywood psychic to the extras. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) A tofu salesman in Texas. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) An armpit beautician. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) A "stunt groin" in a karate movie. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A Postal Service layoff notifier. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The guy who must remove Roseanne's tattoo. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The poet laureate of Nigeria. (Mark Pietrowski, Arlington) A truck driver for Nitroglycerine-R-Us. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And last: A huge plastic Redskins helmet mailbox salesman. (Peter Zajac, Springfield) Next Week: What if You Give It a Try? ====================================================================== WEEK 143, published December 10, 1995 Week 143: It's My Parody (& I'll Try If I Want To) What if Shakespeare had written the theme song to "Gilligan's Island"? Now, gentles, sit! And ye shall hear a tale, The story of a voyage marr'd by fate, Commencing from a port of tropic clime Aboard a vessel minuscule, the mate A sailor full of puissance, yet not more Than was his captain. That idyllic shore Sent forth five passengers upon a tour Of but three hours' time; the weather played The strumpet with the ship, her serenade Turned hurricano, and not small at all, Her crew's exertions nurs'd her to the lee Of a long-forgotten atoll. There lamed, Brave Gilligan and his captain dwell beside A merchant rich as Croesus and his bride, A wanton actress, a most learned man, And Mary Ann, Upon the isle for which our play is named! This Week's Contest was proposed by David Smith of Greenbelt, who THOUGHT he was entering the "What If" contest but did not reckon on our willingness to engage in petit larceny when it suits our needs. David wins a toilet bowl night light. The contest is to rewrite any common jingle or theme song in the style of a famous writer. First-prize winner gets a full-size cardboard cutout of George Bush, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 143, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to express grief at the impending demise of Joel Achenbach's "Why Things Are" column, a milestone in American infotainment journalism, and hereby solicits ideas for some NEW cheeseball gimmick for a column to replace it. Best idea gets our choice of a 1996 Toyota Camry or a rubber pig nose. Also, the Faerie wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 140, in which we asked you to come up with "what if" scenarios. Fourth Runner-Up: What if, instead of air bags, they put sharp metal spikes on the steering column? Seat belt use would go way up. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Third Runner-Up: What if the Washington Monument were 619 feet tall? The first slaves wouldn't have arrived at the Jamestown colony until 1619. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Second Runner-Up: What if instead of the speed of light, the "c" in Einstein's equation had been equal to the maximum safe speed of a Ford Pinto? Then, by traveling at a mere 70 mph, we could go back in time to prevent past mistakes. Such as the Ford Pinto. (John Kammer, Herndon) First Runner-Up: What if "what could have been" were not the saddest words? Then the words "the Jerry Lewis Telethon is on again" would have to move up. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of the army-issue gas mask: If the glove had fitted They still wouldn'ta convitted. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: What if men really did enjoy being "just held and cuddled"? What would they carry in their wallets -- tiny packets of Snuggle fabric softener? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What if Agnew were still vice president when Nixon resigned? They would have had to put in a drive-up window at the White House for night deposits. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if instead of an Easter Bunny, we had an Easter Fish? It sure would be tricky, decorating caviar. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) What if the Hindenburg had been filled with laughing gas? It would still have been a tragedy, but its lighter side might have been a little more apparent to that downer radio guy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if the French had defeated England in the French and Indian War? We'd be rude pantywaists, too. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What if Larry King were the host of "Jeopardy!"? All answers would have to be in the form of a loaded question. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What if the wheel had been invented 10 years ago? The comic strip "B.C." would seem purty darn cuttin' edge. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) What if chickens laid pineapples instead of eggs? Henhouses would need more than just subdued lighting and music to keep the chickens calm. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What if I had a nickel for every time a guy said, "Sure, I'll call you soon..."? (Sue Lin "Croesus" Chong, Washington) What if the Virginia colonists had harvested, consumed and exported marijuana instead of tobacco? The 13 Colonies would never have bothered to try to break away, and if they had, nobody in London would have cared. Later on, those seven marijuana company executives would not have made any less sense when testifying before Congress. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What if Barbara Cartland wrote the plays of William Shakespeare? I don't know ... what if Alfonse d'Amato were the head of the Senate Ethics Committee? I mean, let's not get ridiculous. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What if Jerry Lewis had never been born? The French would consider Soupy Sales a genius. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown) What if Martin Luther were alive today? The Wittenberg door might be covered with 95 little yellow sticky notes. (Michael Jahr, Washington) What if we evolved from reptiles? We would go to McDonald's and order a Big Rat and an order of flies. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What if we had evolved into fishlike forms? Bowl cleaner would be flavored instead of colored. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) What if Joseph Romm of Washington and I had not been accidentally switched at birth? Then he would be a super-rich film star married to Demi Moore and I would be just another pathetic loser. (Bruce Willis, Hollywood, Calif.) What if you could take birth control pills for three straight weeks, with one week off, instead of for one straight week, with three weeks . . . What? WHAT?? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) What if the intellectual elite of West Virginia read the Style Invitational? He might get mad. (Michael Jahr, Washington) What if the Style Invitational never existed? I would be mailing proctology jokes to Miss Manners. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: What if there were a weekly contest in a major newspaper, but the winners received only gag prizes, tacky T-shirts and offensive bumper stickers? No one in his right mind would enter! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Ask Backward VII ====================================================================== WEEK 144, published December 17, 1995 Week 144: JUST REBUS ALONE This Week's Contest is to come up with a rebus: a phrase or sentence composed of letters, pictures and symbols. You may draw your entry or use cut-out pictures, but it must contain at least two pictures or illustrations from today's Washington Post. Include a translation of the rebus. First-prize winner gets a pair of life-size Lucite legs suitable for modeling pantyhose, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 144, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Dec. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 141, in which we asked you to supply questions to any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers. A special mention to Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who labored mightily to produce 15 anagrams for the answer "Betty Rodham Boop," (including "My Patoo Throbbed" and "Drop th' Meaty Boob") but who failed to notice that another of our answers, "Wet Hogs in Hot Pants," was an anagram for "The Washington Post." Alas, anyone who figured that out would have won a 1996 Packard Bell desktop computer with 16 megabytes of random access memory. It now becomes the property of The Czar. Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen Hammer. Question: What gifts were brought for baby Jesus by the three not-so-wise men? (Allen Rostron, New York) Third Runner-Up -- Answer: An Aspirin Tablet and Diana, Princess of Wales. Question: What are two bitter white things? (Anthony Cooper, Alexandria; Ellen Lamb, Washington) Second Runner-Up -- Answer: (pic of Hobbes). Who is spending all of his free time these days practicing the line "They're grrrrrreat!"? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) First Runner-Up -- Answer: The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco. Question: Who sang "Gigoletto"? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the rubber Walter Mondale mask: Answer: Larry S Truman. Question: Who said, "If you can't stand the heat, take off your sweater"? (Mark Goldenberg, Washington) Answer: An Aspirin Tablet and Diana, Princess of Wales What are two things that are hard to get past a gag reflex? (Ellen Lamb, Washington) What was the original, failed title to the fairy tale "The Princess and the Pea"? (Steve Offutt, Arlington) Name two things that are readily available but hard to swallow. (Sarah Shalf and the math department at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill) Answer: A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen hammer Name the instruments you need to do your teeth, hair and nails. (Robert K. Durkee, Princeton, N.J.) What did female aides pack for overnight business trips with Bob Packwood? (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) What are three things that would be of no use to you if you were dead? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Answer: St. Augustine of Hippo, but Not Fat Joe Waldholtz Whose confessions will still be worth a few bucks a year from now? (Robert K. Durkee, Princeton, N.J.; Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga, Tenn. ) Answer: Mailbombs and Broomsticks What precedes "and blisters on kittens" in the evil version of "My Favorite Things"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) What does Mrs. Unabomber keep in that little space between the fridge and cabinets? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Answer: Larry S Truman After next year's SAT recentering, what is an acceptable answer to "Who was the 33rd president"? (James Christopher, Durham, N.C.) Who was famous for the phrase "The Nyuck Stops Here"? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco Who introduced to opera the concept of contrapuntal belches? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Who agreed to perform free at Lincoln Center because he thought the concert was at Amy Fisher Hall? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Who can shatter a beer mug with a high note? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is David Letterman's top reason for not going to the opening of the Long Island Opera? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Whose contract provides for cases of Blatz beer and Slim-Jims in his dressing room? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Ace Ventura and the Hon. William Rehnquist Who are two personalities unlikely to have fragrances named after them? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Who are the stars of the movie "Dumb and Strict Constructionist"? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Answer: Betty Rodham Boop What is Hillary's alias in the America Online "Spank Me" chat room? (Paul Styrene, Olney) Answer: Twelve Angry Mennonites How many people were in the Million Mennonite March? (Hint: The National Park Service's official estimate was "two.") (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Answer: Wet Hogs in Hot PantsWhat is worse than wet hogs? (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) Answer: Monstrous Pillars of Interstellar Gas What did the Hubble telescope discover around Uranus? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Richard L. Wong, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 145, published December 24, 1995 Week 145: Looie, Looie At Bob Packwood's office: Casanovas and Ovas At The Playboy Club: Bunnies and Dinosaurs This Week's Contest was proposed by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a mistletoe beltbuckle. Inspired by cutesy-poo signs on restaurant bathrooms (fish restaurants: "Buoys" and "Gulls"; The Outback steakhouse: "Blokes" and "Sheilas") Stephen suggests that you come up with paired, themed ladies' room and men's room signs for various types of public places. First-prize winner gets a canvas shoe-tote bag from the Burning Tree golf and country club, an extremely exclusive value of $20 inappropriate for use by women. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 145, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the subject field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Jan. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Styrene of Olney for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 142, in which we asked you to come up with the 1996 winners of the Turner Prize, a British art award characterized by the pretentious pursuit of the avant-garde. Second Runner-Up: Twelve toy poodles are shaved to the skin and spray-painted with colorful urban graffiti. They are taken for daily walks in posh suburban neighborhoods. (Laura Farr Collins, Washington) First Runner-Up: The audience is instructed to disrobe completely and put on kimonos. As they walk into the gallery, they see that the floor is clear glass. Crowds of people below are pointing, laughing, videotaping and sketching. Exits are not clearly marked. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the item from Dave Barry's Gift Guide: Exhibit consists only of notice awarding artist grant for exhibit. It is mounted on wall with masking tape. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: "The Sound" -- A looped, silent video of a tree falling in a forest is accompanied by an audio speaker that keeps blaring the word "ouch." (Joseph Romm, Washington) "VA Joe" -- GI Joe dolls with various limbs amputated. "This chilling masterpiece brings home the trichotomy of the innocence of children's play, the horrors of war, and an artist's gratuitous efforts to shock the audience." (Russell Beland, Springfield) A mirror has laser beams aimed at it, such that anyone looking into the mirror to see himself is permanently blinded. "Techno-terrorism on a collision course with vanity and narcissism." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) One million people carrying mobile phones are assembled on the Mall. At noon, they all call one another and get busy signals. (Nick Yokanovich, Arnold) A pressing apparatus is in use. Oil drips from its spout into a container labeled "Baby Oil." The contents of the press are, mercifully, invisible, though a pacifier lies next to it. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) A new audio speaker, used only once to play every known Beatle song, is opened up and its wires soldered together, rendering it forever mute. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) An aspiring artist kidnaps last year's winner, cages him and puts him on display. Respecting the integrity of the work, exhibit viewers ignore his desperate pleas and leave him locked up. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Day In, Day Out" (mixed media, 1995), a 13-room installation -- One first enters a room filled with empty Cat Chow bags and then passes through 12 rooms containing a total of 365 used litter boxes, 31 in the first room, 28 in the second, etc. "This is a breakthrough moment in British art, cynical, nihilistic, unsentimental, capturing the rote of the routine and the natural deconstruction on an artificially imposed taxonomy." (Tim Westmoreland, Washington) "Hard Stones" -- Diamonds, emeralds, rubies and gallstones are covered with chocolate. "A daring exposition of the mysteries of hidden beauty and pain." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Three white Broncos painted with oversize bloody fingerprints and swastikas are suspended by ropes from gallows. TV monitors installed behind the driver's side windshields play excerpts from the chase and Mark Fuhrman's testimony. "Sometimes ebony and ivory don't live together in perfect harmony. A white man in a 'brown' shirt is brilliantly played off against a brown man in a 'white' shirt. The ironic subtlety cuts through you like a knife." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A rabbit is shaved and human hair is glued to its skin to replace the fur. "A caustic commentary on the cosmetics industry." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And Last: "Invitation to Disappointment" -- A full colostomy bag is decorated with papier-mache to look like a pinata. Children are told it contains prizes. "With blindfolded juveniles flailing wildly in a frantic effort to win crap, this has captured the essence of the newspaper contest that spawned it." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's My Parody (& I'll Try If I Want To) ====================================================================== WEEK 146, published December 31, 1995 WEEK 146: IT'S LIKE THIS Having a goldfish as a pet makes about as much sense as having a nun as a girlfriend. Watching the Super Bowl on a 1-inch Sony makes about as much sense as reading The Washington Post through a pair of binoculars. Lugging around a boom box the size of a coffee table makes about as much sense as playing a grand piano in a marching band. We came up with This Week's Contest the other day while leafing through our dog-eared copy of Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason" (f1) and thought it would be a good idea to borrow (f2) from one of his precepts (f3) for Week 146. Your challenge is to produce an A and a B to complete the expression, "A makes about as much sense as B." First-prize winner gets a hideously realistic slice of plastic cheesecake above which hovers a spoon, suspended by a hideously realistic cascading pillar of congealed red cheesecake topping, a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts, now, at last, in shocking yellow. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 146, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Footnotes from above: (f1) Actually, Mad magazine. (f2) Actually, steal outright. (f3) Actually, the entire concept, lock stock and barrel; if it were any more stolen, you'd have to buy it on the street from a guy in a trench coat. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 143, in which you were asked to rewrite ad jingles or sitcom themes as they might have been wrought by famous writers. Second Runner-Up If Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the theme to "The Brady Bunch": ... Through marriage a fam'ly was yborne And stuft were their lives alway with corne. This is how the Brady Bunch was mayde(And Alice was by Ann B. Davis playde.) (David Hertzig, Alexandria) First Runner-up If Dr. Seuss wrote "The Beverly Hillbillies" theme: His family was hungry So all Jed could do Was hunt hunt hunt hunt All the long, long day through. And then Something went POP! How that pop made Jed stop! He looked! And he saw it,right there in the soil. He looked! And he saw, in the soil it was oil! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It's fun to be rich But you have to know how. And all of Jed's aunts And all of Jed's uncles Jed's twice-removed cousins And second kerplunkles, Said, "Jed, you must move, You must move very far." So they packed, packed, packed, packed This and that in their car. They passed purple pools, And some oddly shaped poodles Movie stars' homes And imported foodoodles. They found a fun place To set up their stills. They set up their stills In Beverly Hills. Please come again, We like you a lot! At the very same time To the very same spot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the life-size George Bush cutout: If Edgar Allan Poe wrote the Alka-Seltzer theme: At the banquet, I, unswerving, swallowed serving after serving, Though the food was undeserving, and unnerving were my hosts; Now I wrestle with the question of impending indigestion And my stomach burbles blindly with the groans of gastric ghosts. Dare I seek the only hope that reaches deep as my despair? Still, my vicious predilection to a chemical addiction Is as trivial as fiction with this torture to compare. And my soul sighs for the solace that indubitably is -- In the plop, plop, plop, plop Plop, plop, plop And the fizz, fizz, fizz, fizz fizz. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions: If Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the theme to "The Beverly Hillbillies": The Hillbillie's Tale A man there was, and he yclept Jed; Noble, worthy, poor but contented. Whylom that he ychesen sustinaunce, Became a man of crude (f1) sufficaunce. Goon, saith kindred, to Californie, So ywente for dwellen in the towne of Beverlie. (f2) (f1) Oil, see also "black gold," Texas tea. (f2) Hills, i.e. swimming pools, movie stars; a mythical land. (Steve Daly, Reston) If M.C. Hammer wrote"The Flintstones" theme: Yo, Flintstones Talkin' Flintstones Home boys from Bedrock, Mess with them you history. (Russell Beland, Springfield) If Harvey Fierstein wrote the Marine Corps jingle: We're looking for a few fabulous men. (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase) If William Faulkner wrote"The Beverly Hillbillies" theme: Let me tell you about the story of a man named Jed, just a poor mountaineer trying to keep his family fed. But before the story there was the name, not Sutphen or Compson or Satoris, but Clampett, the two syllables clashing against each other like the jaws of a mule, inert and immovable, lashed by a mute, incestuous fate -- the same hungry force that drilled Jed's wayward bullet deep into Yoknapatawpha County's first (and only) oil well, propelling bubbling crude upward from the ground like the sulfurous spew of some alien industrial race, dreaming of black gold and Texas tea. Peering grimly at the outraged earth, Jed saw himself abruptly a millionaire, heard the languorous, compelling voices of his kinfolk, bare toes intruding in the dust as they urged him to move away from there, to forsake his silent, eroded fields for the lush and monstrous pleasures of Beverly Hills. With cold, furious indignant eyes, he saw the loaded truck, creaking under the weight of Granny's endless rocking, while in the back Jethro bellowed joylessly for his lost, unremembered childhood and Elly Mae stretched out her pale, half-naked body, reeking of doom and a faint odor of verbena. "California," Jed whispered, amazed by the utter certainty of his own voice. "That's the place we oughta be." (Bill Montague, Alexandria) If the Unabomber wrote the"60 Minutes" theme: Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick Ba-BOOOM. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) If Stephen King wrote The Washington Post jingle: If you don't get it, it will get you. (Joseph Romm, Washington) If Miss Manners wrote "The Jetsons" theme: May I introduce Jane and George Jetson and their children, Judy and Elroy? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And last: If Quentin Tarantino wrote the theme to "The Brady Bunch": JULES: So I heard this story, right? VINCENT: About Amsterdam? JULES: No, man, I told you about that. I mean this lady. Very fine. VINCENT: Go on. JULES: See, she had three girls. All blond like her. Pure vanilla, you dig? And the youngest one, her hair was so curly, Tito got his hand caught in it once. Poor [expletive] was stuck there for three days. Had to drink his own urine to stay alive... (Justin Warner, Washington) Next Week: Just Rebus Alone ====================================================================== WEEK 147, published January 7, 1996 WEEK 147: JUST FOR LIFFS Dubuque -- n. A look of reproach given by a child to an impossibly unhip parent. Albuquerque -- adj. Bored silly from having to look at a neighbor's travel snapshots. Cincinnati -- adj. Describes the look of a well-dressed gangster. Okeefenokee -- v. To shake one's head violently in approval. Lubbock -- n. The inadvertent exposure of a plumber's gluteal crack. Milwaukee -- n. A persistent creak in a floorboard that sounds like flatulence. This Week's Contest was suggested by Sherry Marts of Silver Spring, who stole it from a 1983 book by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd. Sherry wins a pirate flag. Adams and Lloyd created a word game called Liffs. A Liff identifies a familiar, tantalizing concept without a word to define it, and pairs it with a perfectly good but underutilized word that just loafs around on maps and street signs. Your challenge is to come up with original Liffs like those above. Place names can be from anywhere in the world. First-prize winner gets a rare vintage set of six inspirational Jim Bakker audiotapes in which the famous evangelist teaches you how to be a good person. The tapes were made in the early 1980s, before Jim was thrown in jail for first-degree criminal sleazeballing, treason, piracy, sedition, poltroonery, bootlegging, pandering, anarchy, and generally being an oily hunk of crap. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 147, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 144, in which we asked you to come up with rebuses, using at least two images from that day's paper (This chart was not available). NEXT WEEK: Looie, Looie ====================================================================== WEEK 148, published January 14, 1996 WEEK 148: THE RORSCHACH OF THE CROWD IV This Week's Contest: Interpret these inkblots. Choose one or more. If you rotate an image, make sure you tell us which side is up. First-prize winner gets a four-foot plastic blowup doll of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch, a $40 value. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 148, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 145, in which we asked you to come up with cutesy-poo signs for the doors of public bathrooms. Fourth Runner-Up: At a transvestite bar -- (Men and Women, but the illustrations are reversed) (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station) Third Runner-Up: At the West Virginia chapter of Mensa -- Menz and Wimmin. (Kurt Rabin, Fredericksburg; Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: At the Sigmund Freud Museum -- Cigars and Ashtrays (Jean and Bob Sorensen, Herndon) First Runner-Up: At a Catskills resort -- Ladies and Germs (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the Winner of the shoe totes from the Burning Tree golf and country club: At the Burning Tree club: Men and Exit (Susan Reese, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: At the Headquarters of the National Organization for Women -- Co-Equals and Misogynistic Loud-Mouthed Exploitive Chauvinistic Co-Equals (Tommy Litz, Bowie) At a Barry Manilow concert -- Women and Women (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) At Microsoft -- 0 and 1 (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Robert Hershey, Washington) At Frank Sinatra's House -- Men and Two-Bit Hookers (Helene Haduch, Washington) At RFK Stadium -- Men and Line Forms Here (Tom Neven, Spotsylvania, Va.) At the "Hooked on Phonics" headquarters -- Buouiz and Geurlz (William J. Szymanski, Vienna) At the Palm -- Trophy and Atrophy (Jerry Podlesak, Arlington) At the offices of the Cellmark DNA testing labs -- (a lot of vertical lines for each, in different patterns) (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) At Jack Kent Cooke's House -- Mine and Mine (Jacki Drucker, Arlington) In Hell -- Prostate Problems and Bladder Infections (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) At the Office of Management and Budget -- (two doors; each sign says "Out of order, use other door") (Tommy Litz, Bowie) At an adult movie theater -- Women and 25 Cents Per View (Robin D. Grove, Washington) At a singles bar -- Professional Attractive and Stable SF, and Professional Attractive and Stable SM (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) At Hooters: Men and Employees (Roger Hall, Harrisonburg, Va.) At a kindergarten: Christophers and Kimberlys (Annie Wauters, Washington) At Mama Leone's: Large, Chunky White Gold Pinkie Rings and Three-Carat Emerald Cuts With Two Side Baguettes (Annie Wauters, Washington) On the set of "Geraldo": Men Who Were Once Women, and Women Who Were Once Men (Mark Piotrowski, Arlington) At the Arkansas Jewish home for the aged: Bubbas and Bubbes (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) And Last: At the National Organization for Women: Men and Women(There is nothing "funny" about gender stereotyping in any form, including so-called "humor" in newspaper "contests.") (Joseph Romm, Washington) Next Week: It's Like This ====================================================================== WEEK 149, published January 21, 1996 WEEK 149: O, no! A British visitor to Washington sees crumbling roads, burned-out buildings and shell casings in the street and asks a passing kid, "Who is to blame for this? Do you have the IRA here?" And the kid answers: "No IRA, Mr. -- Marion!" A foreign head of state gives the president of the United States a talking schnauzer. The dog's name, which means "peace" in its country's native language, is, unfortunately, "Caca." The dog gives a news conference in which he affirms the existence of the deity. The headlines the next day read: 'God Not Nil': Caca, Clinton Dog. Lamar Alexander arrives at the Republican National Convention, but the security guard does not recognize him. As proof, he furnishes his picture in The Washington Post. The guard is dubious, and e-mails his supervisor: "Post is ID. Is it SOP?" This Week's Contest was suggested by Jacob Solomon Weinstein of Los Angeles, who wins a can of fish anuses from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We acknowledge that this is the hardest contest we've ever run. When the history of the Style Invitational is written -- probably by Arthur Schlesinger Jr. -- this may go down as the week no entries were received, no winners were announced, and the Czar was forced to take his own life via toaster. Anyway, the contest is to come up with a palindrome: a line that reads the same backward and forward, and then use it as a punchline to a joke. Only original palindromes, please, of seven letters or more. First-prize winner gets a Richard M. Nixon commemorative plate, stamped with the date of his resignation. A $50 value, this is one of the finest prizes we have ever offered. Not that anyone will win it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 149, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 146, in which we asked you to come up with statements following the formula "A makes about as much sense as B." Third Runner-Up: Actually reading the Congessional Record makes about as much sense as actually reading what those proverbial million monkeys at typewriters have produced so far. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Second Runner-Up: Entering the Style Invitational to win the prizes makes about as much sense as drying your clothes only to add to your lint collection. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up: Telephone sex makes about as much sense as eating a menu. (Steve Cohen, Reston) And the winner of the plastic cheesecake: Furloughing workers to save money, and then paying them for work they did not do, makes about as much sense as a wertzl without the appropriate schmenky. (Alan Evans, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Paying Andy Rooney a million bucks for what he does makes about as much sense as those cute little return address labels you get sent in the mail. Boy are they ever convenient. You just lick the back and it saves you writing your entire name and address. They can be licked but for my money they can't be beat! (Alan Evans, Arlington) A teenager growing a mustache to look older makes about as much sense as painting a racing stripe on a garbage truck to make it look more like a sports car. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Ordering a salad from McDonald's makes about as much sense as going to a health club and just running up and down the stairs to the entrance to work out. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Hiring male waiters at Hooters makes about as much sense as installing urinals in the ladies' room. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Trying to stop your multiple personalities from arguing makes about as much sense as trying to stare down your mother's preserved cadaver. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Trying to keep up with the Joneses makes about as much sense as trying to get down with the Waltons. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Getting a promise from Bill Clinton makes about as much sense as getting a gift certificate from Woodies. (J. F. Martin, Falls Church) Reading the Victoria's Secret catalogue for the sales makes about as much sense as eating Swedish meatballs for the toothpicks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Mailing in a 40-cent rebate offer makes about as much sense as driving around the block for 20 minutes looking for a parking meter with time left on it. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Smoking cigarettes to lose weight makes about as much sense as donating your organs for the tax deduction. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Flushing a baby alligator down a toilet makes about as much sense as drying off a French poodle in a microwave oven. (Actually, drying off a French poodle in a microwave oven makes about as much sense as eating sensibly and getting eight hours of sleep a night.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Having all the aliens on "Star Trek" speak English makes about as much sense as having all the crew members lean to one side when the Enterprise takes a hard turn at warp speed. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Hoping to see my name on Page F2 makes about as much sense as hoping to see my name on the obituary page, which makes about as much sense as hoping to see my name in the list of baseball free-agent signings. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Trying to win a slice of plastic cheesecake makes about as much sense as alphabetizing the numerals zero through 9. 8549176320. See what I mean? (Ralph E. Adams, Fredericksburg) And Last: Faxing in Style Invitational entries at your workplace makes about as much sense as advertising the fact in a major metropolitan newspap... Uh oh. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 150, published January 28, 1996 Week 150: Trial Balloons What are these people saying? First-prize winner gets a framed lithograph of a big-eyed kid holding a big-eyed rabbit, not by famed 1960s incompetent Walter Keane, but by his ex-wife, also named Keane. So it is a genuine "Keane," a $75 value. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 150, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 147, in which you were asked to come up with Liffs, whimsical new definitions for cities, towns or other geographic locations. Yes, many, many people described "Peoria" as that ecstatic feeling one gets from relieving a full bladder. Sixth Runner-Up: Anchorage -- n. The often inane banter that takes place among talking heads on the evening news. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington)Fifth Runner-Up: Toronto -- n. A Canadian Mountie's faithful companion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Bob Sarecky, Centreville) Fourth Runner-Up: Altoona -- n. The mythical place comic strip characters go when their creators retire. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown)Third Runner-Up: Bora Bora -- n. A tiresome person who keeps repeating himself. (Paul "Paul" Kondis, Alexandria) Second Runner-Up: Manchester -- n., usu. vulgar. A woman with a small bosom. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) First Runner-Up: Assateague -- n. The condition in which one tires of sitting in the same position for too long. (Bob Sarecky, Centreville) And the winner of the Jim Bakker inspirational audio tape: Sacramento -- n. A communion wafer that purifies both the soul and the breath. (Dave Harstad, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Apalachicola -- adj. Describes a vending machine that dispenses Mountain Dew when "Coke" is pressed. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Illinois -- n. The ability of the chronically sick to get on one's nerves. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Babylonia -- n. A spiel used by sleazy, fast-talking salesmen (Example: "He was giving me a line of Babylonia"). (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Eufala -- n. The high experienced by bungee jumpers. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pijijiapan (Mexico) -- v. To clumsily type on a keyboard such that many letters are repeated. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Gorky -- adj. Used to describe Russian nerds. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Bethesda -- n. The sound nasal spray makes when you squeeze the bottle (Joyce Rains, Bethesda) Waterloo -- v. To pee in the pool. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Lackawanna -- adj. Describes the state of mind of American men during the two-week period at the end of the year when all college football bowl games are played. (Jim Sherkel, Laurel) Krakow -- n. Medical term for pain suffered from wedgies. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Gdansk -- n. The bleating sound you make when you answer the phone at 4 a.m. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Sebastopol -- n. A greasy politician (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Darjeeling -- v. Sweetly coaxing your spouse to do you a favor. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Joliet -- n. The kind of woman worth going to jail for. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Punjab -- n. The poke you give someone after telling a bad joke and saying, "Get it? Get it?" (Paul Styrene, Olney) Effingham -- n., A person who jumps up and down, waving, to get attention from behind a television reporter on location. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kalamazoo -- n. William Henry Harrison's original running mate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Romania -- n. That annoying condition when a salad bar has only that long leafy bitter lettuce. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Topeka -- v. To look for an empty rest room stall. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Muskegon -- n. The stifling stench of perfume that people leave behind in elevators. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Dumfries -- n. That look one gets on one's face that tells people "I'm laughing, but I really didn't get the joke." (John Feeney, Dale City) Bettendorf -- n. Mississippi riverboat casino jargon for a regular patron. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville Manitoba -- n. A hand so fat that there are dimples over the knuckles. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Burke -- n. A surprise hiccup at the end of a burp. (Paul DeMaio, Burke) Boston -- n. The extra weight a supervisor's opinion has in a supposedly democratic meeting. (Mark Jeantheau, Germantown) Peekskill -- n. The hostile look a woman gives a man whom she has caught surreptitiously glancing at her body. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Wheeling -- n. A sly attempt to coax a prize from a humor contest by employing stereotyping allusions to a pack of buck-toothed rubes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Kalorama -- n. An all-you-can-eat dessert bar. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Seattle -- n. (SEAT-ull) The amount of space a person covers by sitting. Example: "Joe Waldholtz has a large Seattle." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Worcester -- n. (WOOS-ter) A female wimp. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) And Last: Andalusia -- The final honorable mention in a contest. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 151, published February 4, 1996 Week 151: Strip Mining Replace "Rex Morgan, M.D." with "F. Lee Rosenblatt, Malpractice Attorney." Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Nielsen Family," a household of illiterate, inbred, bigoted trailer trash who set America's cultural agenda. Replace "Garfield" with "Garfield," a serial on the assassination of James Garfield by a disgruntled office seeker, and other famous acts of political violence by alienated loners. This Week's Contest was suggested by outraged reader Reid Van Nattan of Rosslyn. He wins a "Best of the Chipmunks" cassette. Reid thinks newspaper editors are, to put it mildly, a bunch of simple-minded, spineless, chicken-hearted wusses. He is distressed by what he sees as a recent trend on the comics pages toward "twit family strips," safely uncontroversial features involving cute kids and animals. He is particularly distressed by The Washington Post's recent decision to discontinue "The Fusco Brothers," a sour little cartoon about a detestable lout and his pet wolverine. Reid feels this pandering to wholesome family values has gone too far, and that it is time to develop some comic strips with a real edge. This week's contest: Come up with a concept for a new, controversial strip to replace an existing one in The Post. You don't need a story line or a punch line: just a name for the strip, and a brief description, if appropriate. First-prize winner will receive a signed, framed copy of a fax of a Bob Staake drawing of your concept. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 151, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and to clear up a little misunderstanding from last week. Dozens of readers called and wrote to compliment us on the transcendant brilliance of our Ear No One Reads. Ho ho. The incomparable genius of having an ear that did not appear to be funny. What a fabulous bit of existential humor! Well, it turns out that, late Saturday night, someone in the composing room heroically took it upon himself to change the Ear from something funny to something ordinary. We are not sure who did this. We are not sure why they did it. Lips have been sealed. Documents have been shredded. Suspicious suicides have been reported. We have turned this matter over to Bob Woodward, the World's Greatest Reporter, who will get to the bottom of it in a six-month investigation featuring clandestine interviews with sources so secret and powerful even they themselves do not know their true identity. More on this as it develops. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 148, in which we asked you to interpret any of four ink blots. Second Runner-Up: (Blot A, upside down) A pair of giant, cleavage-feeding hummingbirds attack two women involved in a tug of war for the last Wonderbra in the lingerie department. (James Hopenfeld, Arlington) First Runner-Up: (Blot A) In a stunning reversal, crabs get a man. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch:(Blot B) The American Bar Association logo: two vultures on a field of billing receipts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: Blot A: (Upside down) Bob Dole wearing his campaign "smile enhancer." (Kirsten Schneider, Fairfax) A supine woman with exposed reproductive tract and several links of sausage draped across her belly. What pervert devised this contest, anyway? Jim Ketchum, Columbia) Mr. Toad and his hat at an X-rated movie. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Blot B: Two flying monkeys, each of which first wonders if the woman who left her tennis shoes and bra at his feet will learn to love him, and then thinks, "Yeah, and maybe a flying monkey will fly out of my butt." (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) (Upside down) The Reliable Source, Annie Groer and Ann Gerhart. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) Blot C: (With musical notes) Mighty Mouse to save the daaaay . . . (Audrey Scruggs, Alexandria) (Sideways) The Ear No One Reads. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Leonardo Da Vinci even left sketches for the Wonderbra. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Autopsy X-ray shows Elvis's real cause of death: a severely worn-out pelvis. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Blot D: Overlooked footprint recently discovered at the murder site by O.J.'s investigators. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Bad: An octopus is thrown onto the ice during a hockey game. Worse: The Zamboni runs over it. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Georghe Muresan's wisdom tooth. (David M. Magness, Arlington) An octopus with at least a million tentacles, probably more. (Louis Farrakhan, Chicago; Greg Pickens, Alexandria) The Eggplant From the Black Lagoon. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What John Bobbitt's appendage would have looked like if Lorena had had access to a shredder. (Priscilla Pellegrino, Great Falls) A squid on Prozac. (Tim Sweeney, Churchville) (All, see drawing, Mister Drew) The family tree. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda) And Last: (All blots) They are the first four letters of the alphabet. I don't know what your problem was. This has GOT to be the easiest contest I've ever seen. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 152, published February 11, 1996 Week 152: We Are Curious (Yellow) This Week's Contest was proposed by Russ Beland of Springfield, who wins a can of Prairie Belt(R) "Potted Meat Food Product" (ingredients: "beef tripe, pork stomachs, chicken, partially defatted beef fatty tissue, pork fat, beef hearts . . ."). Russ suggests taking any headline anywhere in today's Washington Post and rewriting it in tabloid fashion so the story seems a lot more scandalous and/or lurid than it is. Your new headline must be loosely based on the facts, if irresponsibly exaggerated. This is an exercise in yellow journalism. First-prize winner gets "Tabloid Teasers," a 1991 board game (for three to six players, ages 10 to adult) that, near as we can figure, was so spectacularly unsuccessful we have the only copy in America. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 152, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's excellent Ear No One Reads. Also, we have just reviewed the five finalists for a new name for the Washington Bullets -- the Wizards, Stallions, Dragons, Express and Sea Dogs -- and would like to congratulate the Bullets for their populist fan-participation campaign, which worked splendidly except in the sense that all five names are doody. As a public service, we would like to submit a sixth name to the Bulle ts management, for its consideration. It was an entry to the very first Style Invitational, back during Week One in March 1993, submitted by reader Hank Wallace of Washington. It was to be a new name for the Washington Redskins. It didn't win because it was not funny, but it was a terrific name. On behalf of Mr. Wallace, and in the hope it is not too late to rescue the Bullets from a catastrophic decision, we now offer it up: The Washington Clout. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 149, in which we asked you to come up with palindromes -- jokes containing, as their punch lines, sentences that read the same forward and backward. We suspected this contest would be so hard that practically no one would enter, and that whatever entries we did get would be terrible. We were correct, as we always are, except for two things: (1) there was an avalanche of entries, and (2) they were ingenious. Still, we must observe that the challenge of palindromes drove some of you to desperate acts of semantic expedience. ("Okay, so Henny Youngman is sitting in a bar with a Czech hockey player named Esael Pefiwymekat, and . . .) Fourth Runner-Up: How do you address a telegram to Radovan Karadzic? "Bosnia: Main S.O.B" (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) Third Runner-Up: God is visiting San Francisco. He is just a slob like one of us. In fact, he is a stranger on the bus. Up in Heaven, Jesus realizes God is making a huge mistake by not taking full advantage of the tourist opportunities, and sends him a message: "Martyr to God: Do go try tram." (Elena Stover, Bethesda) Second Runner-Up: Joey Buttafuoco was on trial. His lawyer was pleading insanity, but the portly judge was unmoved. Finally, the lawyer lost his patience, and scribbled a note to the judge: "Buttafuoco loco, u fat tub." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: The assistant Los Angeles crime lab technician is on the witness stand. F. Lee Bailey asks her: "What did the lab reports show? Why did forensic expert Dennis Fung work on the reports? And anyway, what's it prove? And how do you even know these hair samples came from my client, sister?" She responds: "LAPD lab data saw DNA; Dennis' job; O.J. sinned, and was a tad bald, pal." (Tommy Litz, Bowie) And the winner of the Nixon commemorative plate: What would not be a good way to address the president of Honduras at a news conference? "Yo, banana boy..." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Honorable Mentions: The Washington Post is boring. How boring? Recently a lawyer came across a page of The Post and put it in his briefcase, mistaking it for a document in a tort case. Someone else stopped him and said, why are you taking that? "It's a deposition," the lawyer replied. "Deposition? No, it is op-ed." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Over dinner of crabs and beer at a local alehouse, Dan Quayle got tipsy and admitted he didn't know what "A Man, a Plan, a Canal -- Panama!" says when spelled backward. George Bush was so embarrassed he sent Quayle to Toronto until the furor died down. The Washington Post headline the next day was, "A Dan, a Crab, a Bar -- Canada!" (Phil Lerman, Chevy Chase) During the recent blizzard, we had so much snow on our roof that the house was in danger of collapsing. I asked the contractor to come and check it out. He said that if I didn't get up on the roof with the snow blower and remove the snow, our house might be leveled. I said, "Are you crazy? I'm not getting up there with that thing. What are my options?" He responded, "Yo, blow or raze, Zarrow ol' boy." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) What was Divine Brown to Hugh Grant? A "lap-level pal." (Stephen Vigneux, Washington) What was it they found in the bloodstains that made them arrest O.J. Simpson instead of A.J. Liebling? A ton of "O," not "A" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A man goes to a shrink. The shrink's name is Alfred Ziegenthaler, MD. Alfred says, "Let's do word association." The first word is "Mother."Mother 'n' father, Al."Cow."Cow 'n' milk, Al."Lasagna."Lasagna 'n' gas, Al." (Daniel J. Miller, Fairfax) When the laconic, egocentric center on the basketball team was asked what would make his game better, he said, "Mirror rim." (Amy Mindick, Blacksburg) Norman Lear goes to a doctor because he is impotent. The doctor tells him he can be cured only by Jewish women. "But I love all women," the great producer protests. "I have to play the field!" The doctor is adamant -- if Lear wants a sex life, he must limit himself to Jewish women. A few weeks later, a notice is posted at Norman Lear Enterprises Inc., saying the boss will be gone for a while. Where is he? someone asks. "Lear's in Israel." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Which three letters of the alphabet would still enable you to compose every word and phrase used on TV? "An 'N,' a 'V,' an 'A' -- Vanna!" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) I asked the author of the famous Panama palindrome to come up with one for another Latin country, involving, in order, (1) what the country does not have, (2) the usual mode of transportation after a '53 Chevy, and (3) the means to escape. He wrote: "A buck, a yak, a kayak -- Cuba!" (James Driscoll, Hyattsville) Nan: What would be your ideal fishing gear? Bob: Eel, ale, maps, Pamela Lee. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) I went on a blind date once with a weird guy who boasted, "Anybody can be a big-game hunter. I, however, am a small-game hunter. These are my trophies." He opened a row of labeled matchboxes, one by one. "See? Mosquito scalps! Gnat butts! Chigger lips! And this is the newest addition to my collection!" He was so excited, I felt I had to say something, so I enthused: "Oo! Tsetse testes, too?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Satan lets Hitler take roll call in Hell. "Devil?" "Eh, here." "Mad Dastard?" . . . "Mad Dastard!!" "Tardy." Trap, Le Von?" "Here." "Jos. Stalin? "Nil -- at SS." "O.J."? "Er, eh, . . . novel party." "Drat!" "Drat?" "Saddam?" "Drat!" "Saddam??" "Er, eh . . . He lived."(Tommy Litz, Bowie) And Last: Palindromes are easy ysae era semordnilap! (Tommy Litz, Bowie) ====================================================================== WEEK 153, published February 18, 1996 Week 153: Stump Us I should be elected president of the United States because ... My lack of genitalia makes me sex-scandal proof! Today's contest was proposed by Gary Patishnock of Laurel, who wins the following fine anagram of his name: "Any Hock-Spit-Rag" Gary points out that America seems to be lacking political leadership right now, as evidenced by the posse of pinheads running for president. He wonders if it might be time for a dark-horse candidate such as yourself to break free of the pack. All you need is a winning platform. Gary suggests that you complete the above phrase, in one sentence only, and launch your campaign. In addition to getting invaluable publicity in a major American newspaper (pols call this a "bounce"), the first-prize winner, and presumptive next president of the United States, receives a wooden horse's-ass tie tack handcrafted by world-class duck decoy carver Robert Lord Jr. It was donated to The Style Invitational by Leslie P. Campbell, who did the painting and detailing work. The tail itself was donated by Lady Patricia, a racehorse currently residing at Linda Albert Stables at the Bowie Training Center. The pin is worth $40. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 153, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Ned Bent of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, we wish to thank several readers who called and wrote to point out that they checked, and contrary to last week's Ear, the word 'gullible' is indeed in the dictionary. Boy, are our faces red. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 150, in which we asked you to tell us what these people were saying. For only the second time in three years, we are awarding a special prize for a great, funny entry that was too revolting to print. How revolting? We tried it on three colleagues and they all died. Congratulations to John Kammer of Herndon, who wins a T-shirt and the contempt of all decent people everywhere. Second Runner-Up (Cartoon D): Exactly when did Fruit of the Loom start using repo ladies? (James P. Senft, Silver Spring) First Runner-Up (Cartoon A): The West Virginia School of Medicine has invited me to administer the Hippocratic oath to its graduates. (Allison Kamat, Washington) And the winner of the framed Keane painting:(Cartoon A): Because of cutbacks in government funding, there have been some small changes in the federal Witness Protection Program. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A: In honor of the long tradition of fat players, such as John "Hot Lunch" Williams and Kevin "Roast" Duckworth, we present Hippy, the mascot of the newly named Washington Buffets. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) For Halloween, I'm going as a hippopotamus's uvula. (Jonathan Roslyn, Alexandria) Hi, I'm Hippo-crit, the official mascot of the Senate Ethics Committee softball team. (Susan Reese, Arlington) Some exhibits at the National Zoo have been impacted by fiscal downsizing. (Patrick Brown, Woodbridge) Cartoon B: Hi, I'm Elizabeth Dole, with a public service announcement from the American Red Cross. We thank you for the response to our recent appeals for blood and for money. We do ask, however, that the donations be made separately. (Noah Meyerson, Cambridge, Mass.) There's venom coming from the Nixon stamp! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Stand back! This might be from the Unapuker! (Thomas Brenner, Arlington) I TOLD them not to send it postage dew. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) He must have misheard me. I distinctly said "E" mail. (Scott Vanatter, Fairfax) Those neighborhood kids are so lazy, now they're MAILING their water balloons. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Oh boy, my O.J. video has arrived! (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Uh-oh, not another sob story from my deadbeat brother-in-law. (Susan Reese, Arlington) I don't think this Pus-of-the-Month Club is going to work out. (Philip Delduke II, Bethesda) Cartoon C: This is the worst ad campaign for Godiva truffles ever. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring; Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Long live the other white meat. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg; Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Hi! I'm Bob Porkwood. (John Kammer, Herndon) Welcome to the Central West Virginia High School interpretation of the story of Lady Godiva. (Gloria Federico, Springfield) Cartoon D: No, I don't know what happened to your gerbil. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) So, Mr. Hoover, do I pass the Bureau's entrance exam? (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) Are you sure people really want to see an anatomically correct snow angel? (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Doctor, I am grateful for the rectal exam, but I came here because of this wart on the side of my head, which looks like a woman holding a purse. (Jonathan Roslyn, Alexandria) That's the last time I wrestle with YOU, du Pont. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) But Mom, all the kids are wearing their pants this low. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Okay, Hillary. I give up. You can wear the pants. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Are you sure Ned Beatty started this way? (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Cartoon E: I realize the EPA has had cutbacks just like everyone else, but it's too much to expect me to clean up the Chesapeake with a washtub, a broom and a giant tampon. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) "In case of attack, repel enemy with oar and set broom on fire to use as signal flare." Man, these Navy cutbacks are getting grim. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Thanks to a $100,000 Pentagon grant, we will soon know which of these is better for propelling a boat! (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) This is what I get for signing up with the Clinton administration: a broom for sweeping things under the rug, a paddle for when I get sent up the creek, and a lifeboat for the sinking ship. (Scott L. Vanatter, Fairfax) I kept getting starboard and port mixed up, so now I just say "oar side" or "broom side." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 154, published February 25, 1996 Week 154: Enter Laughing "Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "Your underwear." "Your underwear who?" "Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent." This Week's Contest: Make up a knock-knock joke. The subject of the third line must be something either 1) rude, 2) silly or 3) profound. First-prize winner receives a numbered lithograph of an original 1935 Little Lulu cartoon (we get the good stuff, don't we?), a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 154, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 4. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 151, in which you were asked to come up with concepts for new, edgier comics to replace strips that currently appear in The Post. One observation: We tapped a mother lode of resentment. Readers feel they are being overrun with comics that are cute and wholesome and demographically diverse but lack that quality best described as "humor." Out of respect to the cartoonists involved, we will not enumerate which strips came in for the most withering criticism; you will have to read between the lines. Anyway, many people suggested replacing "Momma" with "Yo Momma," a strip that gratuitously insults the reader ("Yo momma so fat her shadow weigh 50 pounds"). Also, replacing "Hagar the Horrible" with "Haggar the Horrible," a strip featuring woeful tales of men in ill-fitting polyester slacks. Ten people suggested replacing "Sally Forth" with "Sally Fifth," the story of a modern woman who has it all, including a serious drinking problem. Fourth Runner-Up: Replace "Dennis the Menace" with "Dentist the Menace," a character based on the Laurence Olivier character in "Marathon Man." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Third Runner-Up: Replace "Crock" with "Crack," the travels of a refrigerator repairman. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Simpson Circus." In the first episode, O.J. denies involvement in the double murder, instead coyly blaming it on "Not Me" and "Ida Know." (Brian K. Herget, Springfield) First Runner-Up: Replace "B.C." with "P.C.," a cartoon that avoids humor that might offend women, minorities, foreigners, fat people, old people, gay people, people with substance-abuse problems or speech impediments or congenital handicaps or any other physical condition or behavioral anomaly that might otherwise be subject to uncharitable stereotyping. The strip is as funny as an embolism. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And the winner of this cartoon: Replace "Peanuts" with "Prunes," a strip about doddering oldsters who think, talk and act like children. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Honorable Mentions: Replace "Barney Google and Snuffy Smith" with "Buffy Smith-Google." A super-deb battles chipped nails, runny mascara and her arch-nemesis, split ends. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Don't change the strips, just change the nature of the situations. For example, in "Family Circus," Daddy can be working under the car when the jack slips. Bleeding to death, he tells Billy to get help quickly, but Billy runs all over the neighborhood in this zany dotted line, climbing fences, picking flowers, stopping to play with Barfy, etc. (Steve Silberberg, Washington) Replace "Crock" with "Crock." Republicans present a plan to cut taxes while balancing the budget in seven years. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Replace "The Family Circus" with "The Circus Family," the madcap adventures of a bearded lady, her Siamese-twin husbands and their wolf-boy. (Alan Feyerherm, Arlington) Replace "Non Sequitur" with "Ad Hominem," in which the characters are national political figures who avoid substantive issues by attacking each other's sex lives, military records, etc. (Phil John, Arlington) Replace "Garfield" with "Garfeld," the story of a neurotic cat living in New York with his kvetchy friends. (Paul Styrene, Olney; Randy M. Wadkins, Silver Spring) Replace "Tank McNamara" with "Think-Tank McNamara," in which an ace Heritage Foundation analyst argues, week after week, for such measures as abolishing the school lunch program to finance a capital gains tax cut. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Replace "Beetle Bailey" with "Liver Fluke Bailey," an even more comically sluggish soldier. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Replace "Apartment 3-G" with "Apartment 3-F," a continuing police drama about the stakeout of Apartment 3-G. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Replace "Snuffy Smith" with "Snuff Smith," the adventures of a hit man. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Replace "Peanuts" with "Biscotti," the story of an attractive group of twentysomethings who spend all their time drinking latte ... the strip is filled with poignant and witty reflections, such as "What's so good about grief?" (Steve Daly, Reston) Replace "Rex Morgan, M.D." with "Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, M.D." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Replace "Non Sequitur" with "Double-Entendre," a strip filled with dirty jokes so subtle and cunning no one gets them. (Cathy Ramuglia, Lorton; Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Replace "The Family Circus" with "I Strangled Billy ... " (John Kammer, Herndon) Replace "The Born Loser" with "The Born-Again Loser." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Replace "B.C." with "B.S.," a strip that follows the doings of a group of Washington power-mongers and policy wonks. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 155, published March 3, 1996 Week 155: Comparison Shopping The former Yugoslavia A white Ford Bronco A $4 haircut The devoted followers of Pat Buchanan A bowling ball The Washington Wizards That gap between Letterman's teeth Butt cleavage Gaithersburg, Md. Bob Dole's grandfather A pound of poop A pound of aluminum A pitchfork That dog on "Frasier" Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law Pringles with olestra Those Ads featuring Ronnie Mervis, of Mervis Diamond Importers, Inc. This week's contest was suggested by Russ Beland of Springfield, who wins the fabulous Disaster of the Month Calendar, a gigantically scientific 1996 calendar that is not at all gratuitously lurid except for the enormous photographs of horrific diaster scenes, one a month. Russ suggests that you explain the difference between any two of the above items. (As in "What's the difference between that dog on "Frasier" and a pound of aluminum? Only one of them should be put in the microwave.") First-prize winner gets an "Alien Autopsy" videotape, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 155, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Malcolm S. Forbes Jr. of Bedminster, N.J., for today's Ear No One Reads, plus his $ 10,000 contribution to the Style Invitational. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 151, in which we asked you to play tabloid journalist, submitting new, lurid headlines for real stories in that Sunday's Post. Fourth Runner-Up: Story reported president's departure from Washington with aides for a quick campaign appearance. CLINTON LEAVES WIFE (Rodney and Joyce Small, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Story described an execution. Texans Watch Killing, Do Nothing (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) Second Runner-Up: Sports story reported that golfer Lennie Clements held on to the lead after three days at the Buick Open. Californian Shoots 201 During 3-Day Spree in Buick, Continues to Elude Pursuers (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) First Runner-Up: Story reported that the recipient of an ape's immune cells was feeling so good he had resumed an active lifestyle, even going boating. Baboon-Man Escapes! (John Kammer, Herndon; Bruce Johnson, Annapolis) And the Winner of the Tabloid Teasers board game: Story reported on consecutive victories by George Washington University's men's (seven games) and women's (11 games) basketball teams. College Men, Coeds Streak to 7-Eleven (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Story reported an Immigration and Naturalization Service raid at a Bethesda restaurant. Aliens Captured Alive Near Nation's Capital! (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Story reported flooding in the Northwest. 30,000 Wet T-Shirts! (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Story reported the community's uneasy acceptance of expanded Navy bases in Maryland. Populace to Submit to Sailors' Base Desires (Jim Proctor, Bethesda; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Story reported on the status of a donation drive to repair the canal. $ 400,000 Poured Into C&O Canal (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Story reported that Garry Kasparov conceded defeat in his first game against a computer. Machine Crushes Man Before Mate! (Phil John, Arlington) Story reported that cellist Yo-Yo Ma had persuaded pianist Emanuel Ax to accompany him in a Schubert concert. MA TAKES AX TO COMPOSER! (Fred Dawson, Beltsville, R. Gregory Capaldini, Arlington) Story reported on the race for the second-place finish in Iowa. Buchanan Strains for a Number 2 (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And last: Replace The Washington Post with The New York Post (Russell Beland, Springfield). ====================================================================== WEEK 156, published March 10, 1996 Year Four (Week 156): Hyphen the Terrible Sto-ber, v. To indignantly declare one's sobriety while drunkenly inserting consonants into words Man-ceptance, n. Female acknowledgment that the toilet seat will always be left up Commit-lustrating, v. The application of grafitti onto the walls of a hospital room by a psychiatric patient This week's contest was suggested by Fred Dawson of Beltsville, who wins total spiritual enlightenment, and a drinking duck. Fred proposes that you create a new word by combining the first half of a hypenated word with the second half of a different hypenated word. Both words must appear in the same story anywhere in today's Washington Post. Each entry must provide a definition for the newly created word. Make sure you tell us which story your word is chosen from. The examples above are based on hyphenated words appearing in today's Miss Manners column. First-prize winner gets a pair of 1960-era paintings, framed in plastic, featuring big-eyed teenyboppers dancing the Frug, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 156, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and Joseph Romm of Washington for last WEEK'S EAR. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States. Report from Week 153, in which we invited you to tell us, in one sentence, why you should be elected president of the United States. But first, we want to share a letter from Jennifer Hart, of Arlington, winner of Week 149's first prize, a four-foot-high inflatable doll of Edvard Munch's "The Scream." Jennifer observes that the prize came with an instructional brochure warning you not to use it as a life preserver. "What kind of sick pervert," she writes, "would throw a Scream doll to a drowning man?" We also would like to acknowledge receipt of an entry from little Jake Knanishu, 4, of Hyattsville. Jake becomes the youngest entrant to date! We'd print his entry, except it was not juvenile enough. Fifth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because this country needs a real mother to lead it, not just someone people call a real mother. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Fourth Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because eggs are about $1.30 a dozen. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Third Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because with me, you don't get Hillary, too. (Gary Mason, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because I, um, sort of told my mom that I already am president. (Stephen Breton, Herndon) First Runner-Up: I should be elected president of the United States because no woman would ever remember having had sex with me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the horse's-ass tie tack: I should be elected president of the United States because it would drive Ross Perot absolutely nuts. (Dan Kravitz, Warrenton, Va.) Honorable Mentions: I because "(Alison Kamat, Washington)" is an anagram for "I am a gal that knows no sin." (Alison Kamat, Washington) I because I will give my State of the Union speeches using a hand puppet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I think I can persuade France to make the "West Virginia Purchase."(Stephen Breton, Herndon) I because nobody would expect too much from me. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring) I because America needs growth and I have one. Wanna see? (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) I because my juvenile records are sealed. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I already have better name recognition than Morry Taylor. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I because I will not lie on you. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) I because when the time comes, I will resign quietly rather than putting the nation through a constitutional crisis. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I will propose legislation making it a criminal act for an Anglo newscaster to try to sound Hispanic when pronouncing a Hispanic name. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I because when people talked about the horse's ass in the White House, I'd know they were talking about the tie tack. (John Kammer, Herndon) I because I have campaign experience and also because my race, gender and past will never be an issue.Q"Anonymous," Washington (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) I because I could defeat Pat Buchanan in a battle for the soul of AmericaQSatan, Hell (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) I because I did such a good job last time. QShirley MacLaine (Russ Beland, Springfield) I because I think I'd look really good wearing that crown thing. QKato Kaelin (Russ Beland, Springfield) I because at a mere 5 feet 8, I can walk under rotating helicopter blades without stooping. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) I because each vote for me is one less for Charles Manson. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) I because it would be great to see Hell freeze over. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I because I do not condone negative campaigning like my necrophiliac opponents. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I because I, alone among the candidates, can fully appreciate the cool sensuousness of satin women's undergarments as they caress my nether regions. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) I because I will name Chuck Smith secretary of the posterior. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) I because it would make the people down South danged proud to have a "President Earl." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) I because "President Patishnock" sounds so great. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) I because none of my dates has pressed charges, so far. (Lance W. Seberhagen, Vienna) I because it would decrease my commuting time considerably. (Don Coleman, Alexandria) I because I will put a mirror over the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And last: I because imagine the prestige The Style Invitational would have if the president regularly entered. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Next Week: Enter Laughing ====================================================================== WEEK 157, published March 17, 1996 Week 157 : Warning signs 1. You might be about to lose your job if 2. Your spouse might be having an affair if 3. You might be humor-impaired if 4. You might be getting too fat if the flight attendant tells everyone to buckle up, and you to "do your best." This week's contest: Complete any of the above four sentences. First-prize winner gets a copy of what may be the most boring and the most dishonest book ever printed. "Intestinal Stasis and Constipation" is a handsome, 109-page alleged medical text published in 1916 by E.R. Squibb & Sons. It consists exclusively of testimonials to a product called "liquid petrolatum," manufactured by E.R. Squibb & Sons. This is a value of $20. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 157, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Also, a challenge: A couple of people came up with an interesting knock-knock conceit, but could not deliver a funny punch line. Can you? Here it is: "Knock." "You mean, knock knock, don't you?" "No, just knock." "Okay, who's there?" "Boutros." "You mean Boutros-Boutros, don't you?" "No, just Boutros." "Okay, Boutros who?" Best punch line wins a drinking duck. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 154, in which we asked you to write knock-knock jokes. A tough, tough week. Many people ignored our edict that the third line had to be something crude, silly or profound; therefore, several otherwise worthy entries were disqualified, including this nifty one from Joseph Romm of Washington: Knock knock. Who's there? O.J. O.J. who? Uhhh . candygram. Uhh pizza man Anyway, it was tough sledding, proving that the knock-knock joke remains the lamest form of humor, with the possible exception of Bazooka Joe comics. Gary Patishnock of Laurel summed it up best: Knock knock. / Who's there? / The Czar. / The Czar who? / The Czar really lousy entries this week. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: Knock knock. Who's there? Werewolf. Werewolf who? Werewolf to see the Wizards, the wonderful Wizards of Abe.(Phil Reiser, Charlottesville) First Runner-Up: Knock knock. Who's there? F.U. F.U. who? F.U. don't get it, you don't get it. (K.C. Bahry, Gaithersburg) And the winner of the Little Lulu cartoon: Knock knock. Who's there? Diarrhea. Diarrhea who? Diarrhea'll be a big problem in the Whitewater controversy, Mrs. Clinton. You want we should steal it from Mr. Foster's office for you? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Honorable Mentions: ... Sartre. Sartre who? Sartre hear about your auto accident. (Thomas Durmick, Arlington) ... Anus. Anus who? Anus the worst grammarians in the whole world? (Todd Moore, Burlington, N.C.) Grey Poupon. Grey Poupon who? Grey poupon the carpet means the dog's been eating bones again. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Phlegm. Phlegm who? Phlegm-ingos sure have a whole lotta neck to hock up them loogies. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Vermeer. Vermeer who? Vermeer pennies a month, you too can own this fine original art (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Anonymous" "Anonymous" who? Right. Like I'm going to tell you for less than $100,000. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Knock knock. Who's th Hey, if this is some juvenile reference to "knockers," I'll slap you with a harassment suit so fast your head'll spin? Got it? Good. Who's there? Never mind. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A client of the Federal Witness Protection program. A client of the Federal Witness protection program who? I think you are missing the point here. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) La Marseillaise. La Marseillaise who? Lamar, say yes to a plaid-free wardrobe. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gladys Nazi dogs. Gladys Nazi dogs who? Gladys Nazi dogs, aren't you? Though "Wizards" isn't much better. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And last: Tuchus. Tuchus who? Tuchus forever to slog through these entries. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Next Week: Comparison Shopping ====================================================================== WEEK 158, published March 24, 1996 Week 158: SO SUE US A lawsuit by Pat Buchanan against the makers of Carlton cigarettes over their slogan "Carlton is lowest." Buchanan claims he is lowest. A defamation of character lawsuit by Ben Bradlee against the makers of Ben Gay. A lawsuit against the weather man because he predicted rain, and it didn't rain, and you took your umbrella to work, and someone swiped it. A lawsuit against a teacher who once told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be, and you wanted to be the starting center for the New York Knicks. This week's contest was suggested by several people, but first by Dan Chaney of Clinton, who wins a yarmulke from the funeral of the Czar's Aunt Ethel. Inspired by a recent news story about a lawsuit involving 3-year-olds in a playground, Dan suggests that you come up with even more frivolous lawsuits. (Spare us the guy who kills his parents and sues for orphan benefits, OK?) This week's first-prize winner gets a truly great prize, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Mark Sublette of Falls Church, who wins a rubber duckie that once shared a bathtub with Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who wins a Crucifix Fish, a genuine desiccated fish skeleton in the shape of a cross, which was donated to the Style Invitational by Bob Staake, who wins unmerited praise as the "America's greatest living artist." Anyway, the first prize is a copy of "Born Again," the story of the religious awakening of famed Watergate sleazebag Chuck Colson, as related in a dignified 1978 comic book. The comic book officially bears a 39-cent price tag, but for Mark Sublette's income tax purposes, we hereby declare this irreplaceable item of out-of-print Americana to be worth $35,000, and we further declare the Style Invitational to be a nonprofit, charitable institution. Listen, we are good to our people. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 158, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April Fools' Day. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 155, in which you were asked to tell us the difference between any two items from a list of 16. Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between a pound of aluminum and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? It would take forever to gather together a pound of Saddam's brother-in-law. (John Kammer, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? One tries to knock over white, red-necked things, and the other tries to recruit them. (Andy Glendinning, St. Mary's) First Runner-Up: What is the difference between the Washington Wizards and a $4 haircut? Eventually, a $ 4 haircut will grow on you. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) And the winner of the "Alien Autopsy" video: What is the difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A bowling ball requires an opposable thumb. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: The difference between that dog on "Frasier" and a $4 haircut? The dog will lie down when you want it to. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) The difference between a pound of poop and those ads featuring Ronnie Mervis, of Mervis Diamond Importers Inc.? You can swallow the poop.(Joe Koblyski, Gaithersburg) The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and the gap between Letterman's teeth? Gaithersburg closes up tight at 9 p.m. (Joe Fitzgerald, Silver Spring) The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and the former Yugoslavia? The former Yugoslavia has fewer guns. (Marc Lipman, Chantilly) The difference between the Washington Wizards and that dog on "Frasier"? There is no difference. They both bite. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church) The difference between the Washington Wizards and a Ford Bronco? The Bronco has had a superstar athlete on board in the past decade. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? A pitchfork has three or four good points. (John Bauer, Gaithersburg) The difference between the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan and that dog on Frasier? The dog knows when he's licked. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) The difference between a bowling ball and butt cleavage? If you don't know, I'm not going bowling with you. (Bill Roberts, Fairfax) The difference between Gaithersburg, Md., and butt cleavage? One is north of the Beltway, one is south of the beltway. (John McMahon, Washington) The difference between a pitchfork and the devoted followers of Pat Buchanan? No difference, they are both Satan's staff. (Lydia B. Kaplan, Westfield, N.J.) The difference between a white Ford Bronco and a bowling ball? You can't get blood from a bowling ball. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) The difference between a bowling ball and that dog on Frasier? One's round with holes, the other is a hound with roles. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) The difference between the Washington Wizards and Butt Cleavage? One was chosen as the new nickname for the Bullets, the other came in second. (Kurt Larrick, Burke) The difference between Bob Dole's grandfather and Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law? One of them was a blood relative of a man who has been in power far too long and is on the verge of leading his nation to ruin, and the other was related only by marriage. (Joseph Romm, Washington) And Last: The difference between the former Yugoslavia and Gaithersburg, Md.? No one from the former Yugoslavia has ever come in last in the Style Invitational. (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Next Week: Hyphen the Terrible ====================================================================== WEEK 159, published March 31, 1996 WEEK 159: ODDBALLS This week's contest: Which item in each series does not belong? Explain your answer. First-prize winner gets Laundry Balls, a fabulous prize donated to The Style Invitational by Dave Barry, who gets all sorts of crap mailed to him by alert readers the world over. Laundry Balls are colorful spherical plastic items. We cannot tell you precisely what they do, because we cannot figure it out, so we will just quote the package: "When use washing machine, put 4 balls into washing machine together with laundries. When washing machine operating, those laundry balls turn with laundries by water stream in washing machine. When turning with laundries, the balls prevent to twisting of each laundries and striking the dirty parts on laundries. There is no damage on the clothes when washing due to made of soft plastic. Made in Taiwan." Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 159, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Got a question for the Czar? He will be answering provocative reader questions in an upcoming column. Mail, fax or e-mail your questions to "The Czar's Mailbag" here at the Invitational. The best will win insultingly cheap prizes. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 156, in which you were asked to coin new words by combining the first half of a hyphenated word with the second half of another hyphenated word appearing in the same story in The Post. Fourth Runner-Up: Mer-derloin, n. Chipped beef on toast. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Third Runner-Up: Booby-ding, n. A red line from a poorly fitting brassiere. (Dan Chaney, Clinton) Second Runner-Up: Valu-goslavia, n. The mega-mall that Canadian developers hope will revitalize downtown Sarajevo. (Harry and Gavin St. Ours, Boyds, Md.) First Runner-Up: Over-suer, n. The head lawyer in charge of all the young, slave-driven paralegals in a sweatshop legal firm. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) And the winner of the paired 1960s big-eyed teeny-bopper paintings: Tam-ple, n. The place where women go to pray for a late menopause. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Yester-plosion, n. What happens when baby boomer nostalgia reaches the saturation point. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield) Consis-taurant, n. A franchise eatery noted for homogeneity (e.g., McDonald's) (Joseph Romm, Washington) Nag-istration, n. Hillary and Bill's presidency. (Dan Chaney, Clinton) Mush-derloin, v. Result of a kick in the crotch. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fly-dergarten, n. Where maggots begin their education. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bed-and-pensive, n. A halfway house for depressed travelers. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Glob-ber-surfers, n. Those who skateboard on Manhattan sidewalks. (Greg Diamond, Batesville, Ark.) Authori-burst, n. A tantrum in which an employer asserts his authority for no particular reason. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Some-cere, adj. Being partially honest, as in one's letter to one's mother-in-law thanking her for the pink slacks (e.g., "He was some-cere when he said, `I will put it to good use,' because he was planning on using it to scare the children"). (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Nonethe-voted, v. Having cast a write-in ballot. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Kin-searchers, n. A West Virginia dating service. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Catch-as-catch-and-dance, n. In ballet, the act of tossing a dancer up and hoping to catch her. (Alison Kamat, Washington) Man-thing, n. Miss Manners's preferred anatomical euphemism. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Semi-plogle, n. Half a plogle. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Intersec-tainment, n. small-town fun, watching traffic lights change.(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Howev-erence, n. A deep commitment to the philosophy that nothing in life is black-and-white. (Frank Bruno, Alexandria) Suc-ware, n. DOS term for Macintosh products. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cigar-gle, n. Brand name for new tobacco-flavored mouthwash. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Slobo-ville, n. Las Vegas, Nev. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Po-ginia, n. West Virginia. (Robin D. Grove, Baltimore) Tailor-face, n. That wary, slightly puckered expression a fitter has when his mouth is full of pins. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Ef-holes, n. People who cut me off on the Beltway. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Gold-greb, n. A Jewish dyslexic. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Degrada-la, n. The opposite of Shangri-La. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Pow-ister, n. A high-profile lawyer. (Brian Baker, Silver Spring) Re-chestrated, v. Topped off the silicone. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Sor-dia, n. Photos used for blackmail. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) And Last: Unfortu-portant, adj. How one feels having one's name appear in The Style Invitational. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Next Week: Warning Signs ====================================================================== WEEK 160, published April 7, 1996 Week 160: Seeking Wise Guys Dead: "In Kevorkian's Rolodex." In prison: "Visiting the Buttafuoco residence." To bribe someone: "Slip him an olestra sandwich." Executed by lethal injection: "Taking the big nap." This week's contest was suggested by Lazarus Krattenmaker, of Landover Hills, who wins what might be the dorkiest coffee-table book ever published, "365 Ways to Make Love" by Lori Salkin & Rob Sperry. (Way 32: "Wear cowboy boots and play slow country music in the background.") Anyway, Krattenmaker suggests that old, colorful tough-guy Mafia euphemisms like "sleeping with the fishes" or "singing like a canary" are in serious need of modernization. Your challenge is to come up with cool new bad-guy terms. First-prize winner gets a ceramic coffee mug from Alaska featuring, in the bottom, actual caramelized moose poop. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 160, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 10071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis, of Alexandria, for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 157, in which you were asked to complete any of four sentences. Sixth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you distort the space-time continuum when you walk. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Fifth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you no longer can fit into your wedding muumuu. (David Benser, Vienna) Fourth Runner-Up: You might be getting too fat if you steer with your breasts to leave your hands free for eating. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if he/she keeps having to work late at the DMV. (Phil Jacobson, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if the mink coat she won at bingo has been giving her a headache. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) First Runner-Up: Your spouse might be having an affair if you're a woman. (William F. Guida, Gaithersburg; John Kammer, Herndon) And the winner of "Intestinal Stasis and Constipation": You might be about to lose your job if you open fire with your AK-47 and, in the ensuing excitement, completely forget about your mail route.(Stephen Breton, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Your spouse might be having an affair if you keep seeing the same naked man in the bedroom closet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) the president keeps calling her at all hours of the day and night. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) she appears on the Ricki Lake episode "I'm Having An Affair and Don't Know How to Tell My Husband." (John Kammer, Herndon) your kids start calling you "Daddy Greg." (Greg Arnold, Herndon) he/she appears to be shopping around for a professional assassin. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville) during sex, she keeps crying out, "To whom it may concern!" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) she's laughing a little too hard at these entries. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) You might be getting too fat if the dog starts hiding its food. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you sometimes forget which sex you are. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) you keep eating edible underwear, one pair after another, right out of the box. (Russ Beland, Springfield) at the riding stables, horses break their own legs when they first catch sight of you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you switch from plain butter sticks to sugar-frosted. (John Kammer, Herndon) editorial cartoonists start drawing you looking real porky and jogging to McDonald's. (Russ Beland, Springfield) the perfect height for your weight is approaching 12 feet. (Susan R. Hoffmann, Rockville) You might be about to lose your job if your dad gets fired for nepotism. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) the hospital begins to frown on "eye-openers" and "hair of the dog that bit you" in the operating room. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) you finally are assigned an intern, but it is a chimp. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) You might be humor-impaired if you do not laugh when watching a dog dragging his butt across the grass. (Don Coleman, Alexandria) you don't get this: Bite me! (John Kammer, Herndon) you can never see the lighter side of natural disasters that leave hundreds dead. (John Kammer, Herndon) when telling the joke about how you can tell a blind man at a nudist colony, you give the punch line as "It isn't difficult." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) you don't understand why the chicken would want to cross the road in the first place. (Fraser A. Kadera, Springfield) you think there is anything remotely funny about TV weathermen taking credit/blame for sunshine/rain. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington) you just can't seem to think of things that are funny. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga; David Genser, Vienna) And Last: You might be about to lose your job, your spouse might be having an affair, you might be humor-impaired, and you might be too fat if you walk in on your wife and your boss in bed, and she says, "You fat slob, can't you see that the joke's on you?" (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Next Week: So Sue Us ====================================================================== WEEK 161, published April 14, 1996 Week 161: Tourist de Force Do try out the famous echo in the center of the main reading room of the Library of Congress. On downtown street corners, prostitutes may be reliably identified by the displays of colorful neckties beside which they stand. On the Metro, your fellow riders will take offense if you do not personally shake hands with each of them before taking your seat. This week's contest is to come up with very, very bad tourist advice for first-time visitors to Washington. The contest was suggested by Winslow Tuttle, of Washington, who stole it from Christopher Hitchens, who wrote about it in last month's Vanity Fair, citing a contest held years ago by the New Statesman, which is evidently some sort of smug Brit magazine deserving of our contempt. We have never before awarded a prize to someone who stole a contest from someone who stole it from someone else, and we frankly found ourselves up against it trying to come up with a sucky enough prize, but we think we have it here. Winslow wins a practically new trial-size squeeze bottle of Afrin(R) nasal spray, used only in one nostril. The contest's first-prize winner gets a realistic, battery-operated rubber pulsating hand generously donated to the Style Invitational by Kevin Mellema, of Falls Church. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 161, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 10071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 158, in which you were asked to come up with frivolous lawsuits. But first, some housekeeping. It has come to our attention that we have recently misattributed at least a few winning entries; there may well have been more, but for some reason, readers tend to be hesitant to point out our errors, silently and stoically accepting them as one might accept an act of God. This is ridiculous -- you would think they fear petty retribution for daring to assert themselves. Anyway, several readers have actually complained, and we checked into it, and they were right, and we would like to hereby forthrightly set the record straight: In the hyphen contest, the disgusting F-word entry should have been attributed to Jean Sorensen, not Jennifer Hart. The somewhat predictable Ear No One Reads about chain letters was by Jonathan Paul, not Russell Beland, whose work tends to be far more creative. We accidentally misspelled David Genser's name, possibly because it sounded wrong, like an eructation. And it was not Kevin Cuddihy but Vance Greer who came up with the scenario of one's cheating wife getting a headache from the fur coat she won at bingo -- a concept that seems just a little too detailed to have arisen entirely from one's imagination, if you get our drift. Anyway, apologies to all. As to the frivolous lawsuits: Second Runner-Up: A lawsuit against Baskin-Robbins because a customer put a cone between his legs while driving and froze his groin off. (Paul DeMaio, Burke) First Runner-Up: A negligence suit against United Airlines for failing to provide toilet paper on the serving cart alongside the honey-roasted nuts and liquor. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) And the winner of the "Born Again" comic book: A lawsuit by your heirs against the police department for drawing a chalk outline around your corpse that made you look three sizes too large. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Honorable Mentions: A lawsuit by Hugh Grant against Ford because the Escort is not equipped with a prostitute. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by F. Lee Bailey against himself for bad legal advice. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg) A lawsuit by Jeffrey Dahmer against Procter & Gamble because a Head & Shoulders bottle is filled with a viscous blue fluid and not tasty body parts as advertised on the label. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by Ross Perot against the makers of Ty-D-Bol for "puttin' that little spy in my toilet." (Brian Herget, Springfield) A lawsuit against Michael Jackson because A-B-C is not easy as 1-2-3. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) A lawsuit by Dracula against the surgeon general for not requiring warning labels on crucifixes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) A lawsuit against Wendy's for not making their coffee as hot as McDonald's so I could spill it on myself and sue them. (Wayne McCaughey, Columbia) A lawsuit against Apple Computer because it shouldn't give people the idea that you can eat those things. (Ellen Lamb, Washington) A discrimination lawsuit by the Fair Housing and Equal Employment Opportunity commissions against Metro's Red Line, for the obvious. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) A lawsuit by the Ford Motor Co. against Al Cowlings for making the Bronco look slow. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A lawsuit against the heirs of Dr. Seuss for inducing verbal mania. Plaintiffs seek injunctive relief and damages not to exceed 14.6 gazillion bombadillion fannfannajillion dollars. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A premature-death lawsuit against the cigar industry by the heirs of George Burns. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) A lawsuit by the state of West Virginia against the Style Invitational for defimayshin of charikter. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And Last: A lawsuit by Style Invitational contestants against Chuck Smith of Woodbridge in which it is alleged that, by virtue of the many gifts and other gratuities received in compensation from the Style Invitational, he has become a de facto employee of the Washington Post and therefore . . . (Greg Arnold, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 162, published April 21, 1996 Week 162: Pretense, Anyone? May We Have Your Pretension Please? "The eternal debate, Harvard versus Yale, is, for those of us properly educated at the Sorbonne, as banal as 'Ford or Chevy?' in the ears of a Citroen owner." "I winter in Manhattan and the Hamptons." "I have almost no contact with the vulgar classes, and so have no experience whatsoever with pretentiousness." This week's contest is to come up with the most pretentious sentence possible; it may be personally pretentious, as those above, or literarily pretentious, in the style of artists like Billy Joel: "They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone." First-prize winner gets an antique commemorative plate celebrating the many splendors of Intercourse, Pa., a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 162, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Elden Carnahan of Laurel for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 159, in which you were asked to tell us which item in each group of three did not belong. Third Runner-Up:(Series 1) Both J. Edgar Hoover and a tank can be described as being "built like a tank." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Second Runner-Up: (Series 3) A toilet and Spam serve a purpose. But Manute Bol in a Klan costume at a parade is a stupid idea and doesn't belong. (Ned Bent, Herndon) First Runner-Up: (Series 3) The monument does not belong because many people have trouble keeping down both the toilet seat and Spam. (Rebecca Simmons, Alexandria) And the winner of the Laundry Balls: (Series 2) Vanna doesn't belong because the only things that are certain in this life are death and tacos. (Christine Jackson, Washington) Honorable Mentions: Series 1: The tank doesn't employ heels. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Denny's is the only one ever likely to be accused of discriminating. (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) The tank won't give you the runs. (Kevin O'Connor, Riverdale) Series 2: "Radioactive Tacos" and "Realistic Inflatable Mad-cow Disease Victim" were April Fools' pranks that Taco Bell rejected in favor of the Liberty Bell ads. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Vanna does not belong. The other two produce gas, but Vanna keeps it safely stored in her head. (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Series 3: Nobody stands in line for Spam. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington; John Bauer, Gaithersburg) Neither flush toilets nor Spam existed when Sen. Strom Thurmond was a boy. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The monument and Spam are meant to last forever; a toilet seat left up indicates someone whose life will shortly end. (Jodi Kolber, Gainesville, Fla.) Spam is the oddball, because the monument and the crapper are named for real people. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) Series 4: You never see lawyers following a chocolate bunny around. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) The bunny and the boy are small, sweet and fun, but the ambulance is big and scary -- Michael Jackson, Hollywood, Calif. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ====================================================================== WEEK 163, published April 28, 1996 Week 163: What Kind of Foal Am I? Breed Robb to Our Secret Affair and name the foal Rubb. Breed Chevy Case to Editor's Note and name the foal Case Is cq. Breed Con Artist to Creative Account and name the foal Fat Joe Waldholtz. Breed Solo Practitioner to Private Video and name the foal Safe Sex. Breed Irish Cloud to Built for Pleasure and name the foal Teddy. This week's contest was suggested for the second straight year by Michael J. Hammer of Washington, who apparently spends a great deal of time at the track in the company of floozies and persons with names like Izzy the Dip. Michael the Tout, who wins a hardcover copy of the Arkansas state constitution, suggests that you take the list of all 1996 Triple Crown nominees (reprinted below), couple up any two of them, and propose an appropriate name for their hypothetical foal. For the purposes of this contest, ignore the horses' genders. The foal's name must fit in no more than 18 characters, including spaces. First-prize winner gets a prize so unspeakably violative of accepted human norms of good taste and decorum, a prize so promiscuously offensive, that we not only cannot describe it here, but we cannot even disclose the nature of the thing that it is, except to say this: The Czar's own personal children, who have learned to tolerate many, many revolting things in their lives, refused to spend one night in the same house as this objet d'art unless it was hidden behind a sturdy piece of furniture. We decided to award this prize only after reading that Jeffrey Dahmer's refrigerator is going to be sold at auction in Wisconsin. With that as a backdrop, nothing can be considered too tasteless. Anyway, this prize was donated to the Style Invitational by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who appears to have obtained it in Hell. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 163, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. "cq" is copy desk language for "Checked and correct." Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 160, in which you were asked to come up with colorful new Mafia terms for the 1990s. Fourth Runner-Up -- In protective custody: "Joggin' with Bubba."(Tex Whitmore, Upper Marlboro) Third Runner-Up -- When an innocent bystander gets killed accidentally in a shootout: "Breathing secondhand smoke." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Second Runner-Up -- To be murdered: "Get an Iraqi divorce." (Tom Dial, Arlington) First Runner-Up -- Poured gasoline on someone and struck a match: "Escorted him to the smoking section." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the moose-poop cup: Lying low: "Rentin' the old Kaczynski place." (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Honorable Mentions: To set someone up: To take him to the Vista. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On death row: "In Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Soon to be whacked: Past his freshness date. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Ordering an arson: I'd like fries with that. (Greg Arnold, Herndon) Torching a building: Negotiating with Koresh. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Dead: In Dahmer's fridge. (Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie) In prison: Making new friends. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Got off with a light sentence for a serious crime: Head-butted the ref. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) In prison: Learning how to share. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Paying protection: Practicing safe business. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Code of silence: Oath of office. (Mike Szydlowski, Woodbury Forest, Va.) Executed by gas chamber: Goin' down with the Hindenburg. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Wear a mask: Go as Tammy Faye. (Robin D. Grove, Baltimore) On life support: Still crankin' out "Peanuts." (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Bullets: Wizards. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg; Russ Beland, Springfield) To kill someone: Take away all his entitlements. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Whacked and buried: Pushin' up Astroturf. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield) Dead: Datin' Nicole. (Rick Hartman, Funkstown) An offer you can't refuse: Would you rather take a nap with Lorena? (Vance Greer, Sterling) Hiring a crooked lawyer: Hiring a lawyer. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) Bribing the cops: Passing out doughnuts. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Offering a weak alibi: Chipping from the sandbox. (Chelsea Richmond, Falls Church) Taking a bribe: Buying cattle futures. (Bruce Brothers, Alexandria) Double-cross a crime boss: Disgruntle the mail handler. (Justin E. Porto, Woodbridge) Blow up someone when he starts his car: Issue a manufacturer's recall. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) In prison: Living in a gated community. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Killed in a bombing: Went over like Imus. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Squealed: Whispered to Connie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) To have some bones broken: Get knighted by Gillooly. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Taking the rap for someone else: Feeling his pain. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Hit man: Agent of change. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) And Last: To die: Drink from the moose-poop cup. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Next Week: Capitol Mistakes ====================================================================== WEEK 164, published May 5, 1996 Week 164: Mean Meanings What they say: "I have an amendment to offer . . . " What they mean: "I am appending a meaningless triviality to get my name on the bill . . . " What they say: "I would like to introduce my wife and best friend, who has blah blah blah . . . " What they mean: "My wife is accompanying me to every single campaign stop because she knows I am a bonkomatic who will hit on every Dairy Days Queen in sight if . . . " What they say: "I am stepping down to spend more time with my family . . . " What they mean: "I am about to be indicted . . ." What they say: "I am an ardent supporter of term limits." What they mean: "... starting, of course, after I am dead." This week's contest was suggested by Jeffrey R. Kern, of Montgomery Village, who wins two bottles of Dionysus (R) Drunkenness Dispeller Oral Liquid, a fine product from the People's Republic of China ("Directions: This oral liquid can relief intoxication, defend drunkenness and dispel the effects of alcohol, protect brain cadivasular system from harm, calming the verves and enriching the inteligence . . . "). Jeffrey suggests that you translate things politicians say into what they really mean, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a clear plastic pillow stuffed with shredded U.S. currency, a $25 value. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 164, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 13. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Don Cooper, of Burke, Va., for today's Ear No One Reads. We also wish to respond to the many people who called and wrote to say they did not understand last week's Ear: We're sorry but we cannot hear you. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 161, in which you were asked to come up with very, very bad advice to tourists in Washington. Lots of entries informing people about the weekly weenie roasts at the eternal flame and instructing them on how to chisel their names into the Vietnam Wall, how to sign their names to the Declaration of Independence, how to find and use the dining car on the Metro and how, if your cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free. Fifth Runner-Up: The quickest way to get around town is by "bicycle taxi." They come right up on the sidewalk! Signal one that you wish a ride by standing directly in its path, with your arms spread wide. (Melinda Holcomb, Alexandria; Mary Beth Hastings, Takoma Park) Fourth Runner-Up: Play a game of pickup handball at the unique, V-shaped black marble court on the Mall near the Lincoln Memorial. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Third Runner-Up: Make sure you visit the 19th-century French impressionist "Scratch and Sniff" Room at the National Gallery. (David Genser, Vienna) Second Runner-Up: Give your departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place in Arlington National Cemetery; remember to bring your own shovel. (Ruth Donnalley, Falls Church) First Runner-Up: Prostitutes can be identified by their outfits -- ordinary business apparel, incongruously accessorized by sneakers or running shoes. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the groping hand: Fun fact -- according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the youngest person ever to scale the White House fence unassisted was 8 years old! (Phil Plait, Silver Spring) Honorable Mentions: Help keep the nation's capital clean. After entering the Metro through a turnstile, deposit your used fare card in the trash can. (Howard Rosenman, Arlington) If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit! (Laura M. Appelbaum, Silver Spring) Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the president to laugh. (Scott O. Christy, Alexandria) The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol. (Jocelyn Gill, Gaithersburg) After a long day walking around Washington, enjoy Metro's world-famous butt massagers. Just sit yourself down on any Metro escalator. Remember, stay to the left. (Ruth Donnalley, Falls Church) Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life. (Michael Eisenstadt, Washington) Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court. (Paul B. Jacoby, Washington) Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them before using the Metro card machines. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city! (Scott Sabey, Falls Church) There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI building. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)Help yourself to the mementos supplied at the foot of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, provided by the local business community. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in at the mayor's residence and ask for some Coke. (Dana E. Wollney, Columbia) No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to extinguish the eternal flame at JFK's grave. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) At the Kennedy Center, rather than "Bravo!," it is customary to shout, "Someone has shot the president!" (J.S. Adams, Washington) To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Going to the zoo? Don't forget your swim trunks for a refreshing dip in any of the conveniently located moats. (Glenn and Beverly Magda, Waldorf) Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) If your car sustains pothole damage in the city, bring the broken axle or wheel hub to the D.C. Department of Motor Vehicles for a free, quick, courteous repair job while you wait. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Washington boasts many exciting ethnic restaurants. Ask any policeman to give you directions. Our favorites are Hei Pigh, and Ah Pyourzkop. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Caught in a sudden downpour? Help yourself to one of the free umbrellas thoughtfully provided by downtown street vendors. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Nigel J. Wallis, London, and Heidi C. Scanlon, Washington) In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a "roll call" of everyone in your party before proceeding. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Wednesday is Bingo Nite at the Washington National Cathedral. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) You may lie down on the very bed on which Lincoln died. Take care not to let your shoes smudge the sheet. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Those Army guys marching around the tomb at Arlington National Cemetery may look serious, but they'll be happy to stop and fashion balloon animals for your kids if you ask them. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) If you are going to be in D.C. for a week or two, and don't think you will need your car while here, then a good place to park is the short-term lot at National Airport. It is close to downtown and convenient to ground transportation. (Perry Farrar, Montgomery Village) Give Ronnie Mervis a call and ask to see the slides of his trip to Africa. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) And Last: The Style Invitational alone is worth the price of the Sunday Post! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 165, published May 12, 1996 Week 165: Wheel of Fortune 1. A way one might address Satan: -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A -- -- 2. Common recreational activity in Hell: -- A -- -- -- -- S -- -- -- G -- -- -- -- -- -- 3. Today's menu in Hell's cafeteria: B -- -- -- -- , -- -- -- -- -- -- , -- -- -- -- , and -- U -- -- -- -- . 4. Celebrity often seen in Hell: R -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 5. A serious faux pas in Hell: -- -- -- -- -- ING -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- This Week's Contest was proposed by our own Bob Staake, who recently switched on the TV at an odd hour to find a rerun of "Wheel of Fortune," and watched it, in slack-jawed fascination, for what seemed like 600 hours. Bob decided that Hell would be TV programming featuring 24-hour-a-day "Wheel of Fortune." This week's contest is to complete any of the above phrases. You may reuse a letter already in the phrase, but your solution must otherwise conform to the partial answers given. Bob wins "The Complete Book of Humorous Art," by Bob Staake, North Light Books, a value of $24.95. First-prize winner gets an unopened 1950s-era Chefmaster backyard barbecue shirt and matching chef's hat, a value of $ 30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 165, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C., 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 20. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland, of Springfield, for today's Ear No One Reads, and to note a slight error from last week. It is almost too trivial to mention, but we, um, awarded first prize to the wrong person. Suffering the indignity of being credited for an entry he did not submit was Phil Plait, who wins this second humiliation, free of charge. The actual winner was M. Schmidtman, whose e-mail entry was perfect except for mentioning 1) who he is, 2) where he lives, 3) whether he is a girl or a boy, 4) what his or her phone number is or 5) how we can reach him or her to send the prize. We await further communication. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. REPORT FROM WEEK 162, in which you were invited to produce the most pretentious possible sentence. Several people submitted real quotes, including this from Patrick Swayze, as reported in GQ: "Good-looking people turn me off, myself included." But the best of the real ones was submitted by Ingrid Newkirk, of Rockville, quoting from an article by Christopher Prendergast in the London Review of Books: "If we are not energised by the surrealistic ambition, this stems in large measure from the peculiar and paradoxical fatigue of a culture simultaneously Post-Modern and fin-de-siecle, in which, by virtue of the former, even the ennui of the latter appears as a simulacrum of the real thing, a belated coming to belatedness itself." Wow. Ingrid wins a 1930s-era fur stole made from baby martens, little legs flopping, each biting the tail of the one in front of it. -- Fourth Runner-Up: "The family next door is so pretentious that my husband and I have forbidden our little Bronte to play with their children." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) -- Third Runner-Up: "O.J. whom?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- Second Runner-Up: "I solemnly pledge to execute the office of president of the United States, OBviously." (David Genser, Vienna) -- First Runner-Up: "As Jesus Christ once said, and rightly so . . . " (Mike McKeown, Reston) -- And the winner of the commemorative plate from Intercourse, Pa. "Well, my rehab program had thirteen steps." (Thomas John Litz, Bowie) -- Honorable Mentions: "The girl who does my nails is foreign, I think." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Manipulating this grotesque class hatred of theirs is the only way to keep the staff in line these days." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Lovely people, but their tour of the house had the feeling of O.J. leading the jury around his mansion -- an 'I'm hiding my crassness and I dare you to find it' feel to it."(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "I find walking so . . . pedestrian." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "I won't buy a desk unless a nuclear test ban treaty has been signed on it." (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) "The Serengeti just isn't the same ever since they stopped letting you shoot things." (Ellen Lamb, Washington) "I went to the Jackie auction but was appalled to discover that all they had were used items." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) "That is exactly the sort of fashion statement I would expect from 'new' money." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "With a high-performance vehicle of this sort, you can't just put regular old air in the tires." (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Frankly, we find the cafes on the Left Bank to be so gauche, if you'll excuse the pun." (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "A '64 Chateau Margeaux? Well, perhaps with some of those ... what do you call them, luncheon meats?" (Russell Beland, Springfield) "I could never be agnostic because, honestly, I would know." (Patrick Coleman, Falls Church) "Bob Dole doesn't know the meaning of the word pretentious." (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) "I simply cannot bring myself to imagine a world without Mahler's 'Kindertotenlieder.' " (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "I think I'll just put up a stadium right here." (J.K. Cooke, Washington; John Kammer, Herndon) "It is perfectly proper to address President Mandela in English, but I generally speak Xhosa when he's in my home." (Donald de Kieffer, Washington) "Eh bien, I just flew in from Cap d'Antibes, and zut alors, are my arms tired." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Just having a Great Falls Zip code doesn't make you 'Great Falls.'" (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) "It is I." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Mark my words, you let in a public library and before you know it you'll have U-Haul lots and bus stops on every corner." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) "Why confront the onerous challenge of submitting quips to a humour column when you can simply pay Charles Smith, of Woodbridge, to perform the service for you?" (Thomas John Litz, Bowie) -- And Last: "New York magazine Competition No. 852 -- Submit wry, jaded observations on New York life in iambic pentameter or haiku form; extra points awarded for subsurface irony, oblique cultural witticisms and insider tips on rent-controlled apartments." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: What Kind of Foal Am I? ====================================================================== WEEK 166, published May 19, 1996 Week 166: Doo Wah Doody If I was a sculptor, but then again no Or a man who makes potions in a traveleing show Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. -- Bernie Taupin and Elton John I am, I said To no one there And no one heard at all, Not even the chair. --Neil Diamond Eleanor, you're so groovy Let's go out to a movie. . . --The Turtles You're a hot-blooded woman child And its warm where you're touchin' me And I can tell from the look in your eye You're seein' way too much of me. --Mac Davis This week's contest is a Style Invitational first, inasmuch as you do not have to make up the answers; in fact, you may not make up the answers. We are looking for really bad lyrics to real rock songs. This contest has been endorsed by Dave Barry, who is compiling a book of atrocious rock lyrics. Dave has graciously permitted us to steal his idea, because Dave is an ardent supporter of the First Amendment, because he believes in the unfettered marketplace of public discourse, and because this contest will supply about a million man-hours of free research for him. Your lyrics must be from a reasonably popular song, and you must include the name of the song and the singer or songwriter. Bad lyrics can result from horrible rhymes, infantile imagery, moronic observations or whatever else makes for execrable songwriting. Please note that we are not looking for country-western tunes, whose lyrics are often deliberately comical or self-consciously maudlin. First-Prize winner gets what may be our finest prize ever, "Mr. Dip Lip," an oral surgeon's scientific demonstration model of the human mouth, complete with with gingivitis, a malignant tongue tumor, really crummy teeth, and various oozing lesions as might be caused by the use of chewing tobacco. Donated by Dave Barry, this fine item has a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 166, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis of Alexandria for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 163, in which you were invited to mate any two horses from the 1996 Triple Crown contenders and name their hypothetical foal. Several liaisons were simply too obvious and therefore won nothing. These included using Afleetaffair to beget Tailhook, and using Beefchopper to beget (need we say it?) Lorena. Third Runner-Up: Mate Monkey Seventeen with Grindstone and name the foal Rhesus Pieces (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: Mate On Line with Gotcha and name the foal Mitsubishi (Charlie Myers, Laurel) First Runner-Up: Mate Blow Out with Editor's Note and name the foal "Alleged" Unabomber (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) And the winner of the prize so disgusting its name cannot be spoken: Mate Call for Change with Tiz the Whiz and name the foal Pay Toilet (Russ Beland, Springfield) Honorable Mentions: Rod and Staff x Innovative = Twilight Zone (Russ Beland, Springfield) Rocket Flash x Gryphon = MIRV Gryphon (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Body Snatcher x Dr. Canton = Dead Man Wokking (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Daygata x Defleet = Italian Navy's Loss (Jerry Mayer, Arlington) Spellbounder x Talculating = Spelcheker (David Genser, Vienna) Skullbuster x Optic Nerve = Creamed Cornea (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Andtheliviniseasy x Doublethebettwice = Fixthedamnspacebar (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Murray Novack x Pugnacious = Robert Novak (David Smith, Greenbelt) Grindstone x Con Artist = I Knew He'd Win (Roy Ashley, Washington) Daygata x Hello Houston = Wegata Problem (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Chalk Time x Fly Straight = Tailored Crotch (J.F. Martin, Falls Church) Uncle Abie x Murray Novack = Yenta's Goof (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Oompahpah x Optic Nerve = Polka Your Eyes Out (Russ Beland, Springfield) Naskra's Ferrari x Our Secret Affair = Ex-Wife's Ferrari (John Kammer, Herndon) Special Moments x A Big Bear = Kodiak Moments (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Take a Bow x Smithfield = Ham Actor (Robin Kreisberg, Harrisonburg) Tens of Thousands x One More Power = Hundreds of Thousands (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Fast Departure x Blushing Jim = Thats OK Honey (Russ Beland, Springfield) Russian Emperor x Gold Fever = Yurika (Larry Bodin, Columbia) Naskra's Ferrari x Painted Naskra = Whodahecks Naskra (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) King's English x Gotcha = Have You (Russ Beland, Springfield) On Line x Dothebucket = Leary's Last Laugh (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Head Minister x Blow Out = Divine Brown (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Joe Jones x Murray Novack = Some Guy (Robert Fike, Alexandria) Editor's Note x Rage = Rewrite This Crap (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Rod and Staff x Mount Fuzzy = Newborn (Steven M. Jacoby, College Park) Polish Love x Beyond Comparison = My Sales Pitch (Mark Piotrowski, Arlington) Firey Jennifer x Fibrillation = Hart Attack (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And Last: E.C.'s Dream x Firey Jennifer = Dream On, Elden (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, and Jennifer Hart, Arlington) ====================================================================== WEEK 167, published May 26, 1996 Week 167: Crapsey How frail Above the bulk Of crashing water hangs, Autumnal, evanescent, wan, The moon. Listen With faint dry sound, Like steps of passing ghosts, The leaves, frost-crisp'd, break from the trees And fall. These be Three silent things: The falling snow, the hour Before the dawn, the mouth of one Just dead. This week's contest was proposed by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a box of Berenstain Bear cookies. Jean did not know what she was getting us into when she suggested we resurrect the "cinquain," a long-deceased poetic form she described vaguely as "the Western version of a haiku." We did some research and discovered the cinquain was invented around the turn of the century by one Adelaide Crapsey, a humongously sensitive Vassar grad who died young of consumption and general weepiness. We have here in front of us several books of cinquains by Miss Crapsey, a hugely tragic figure, and we must say these are the most effete and vomitacious versifications, poems so ickily precious and pretentious they make haiku look like Kipling. The examples above were written by Miss Crapsey between 1911 and 1913. The rules of the cinquain are simple. There are five lines, the first containing two syllables, the second containing four syllables, the third six, the fourth eight and the last, with grave finality and thunderous drama, only two. Your subject matter must be suitable for the 1990s but must adhere to the literary standards set by Miss Crapsey. First-prize winner gets a pink-fringed 1950s U.S. Army Air Forces silk pillow inscribed thusly: "To one who bears the sweetest name,/ And adds a luster to the same./ Who shares my joys, who cheers when sad,/ The greatest friend I ever had./ Long life to her, for there's no other/ Could take the place of my dear Mother." Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 167, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 164, in which you were asked to contrast what politicians say with what they really mean: -- Fourth Runner-Up -- What they say: Public service runs in my family. What they mean: Nepotism runs in my family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) -- Third Runner-Up -- What they say: Bob Dole is not too old. What they mean: I'm awake! I'm awake! (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) -- Second Runner-Up -- What they say: Mr. Speaker, pursuant to Rule 17, I ask unanimous consent to invoke cloture on the Senate rider to the amendment to the continuing resolution ... What they mean: I don't know what the hell I'm talking about but this is going to look great on C-Span. (David Genser, Vienna) -- First Runner-Up -- What they say: I don't believe in polls. What they mean: My polls tell me to say I don't believe in polls.(Frank Bruno, Alexandria) -- And the Winner of the pillow filled with shredded U.S. currency -- What they say: I do solemnly swear What they mean: Whatever (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)u Honorable Mentions: This is just blatant grandstanding by my opponent. -- I wish I had thought of that. (Susan Reese, Arlington) P-O-T-A-T-O-E -- P-O-T-A-T-O-E (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) It's about jobs, jobs, jobs. -- It's about my job, my job, my job. (David Genser, Vienna) I am glad you asked that question. -- Who let him in here? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Bitch set me up. -- I feel at this point it would be most beneficial to me and to the American people if I, due to personal growth issues, proudly and prestigiously step down from office. (Erik Hadden, Frederick) I will not be intimidated -- sir. (John Kammer, Herndon) How much more are we going to bleed the poor? -- How much more can we bleed the poor? (John Kammer, Herndon) Trust me. -- Bite me. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) I favor the Job Corps. -- My son is a philosophy major. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The American people are a bunch of lazy self-indulgent crybabies who bilk the system for entitlements they don't deserve and then whine about wasteful government spending. -- Whee. It is fun being a lame duck. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) I respect women. -- My wife spanks me. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) That quote was taken out of context. -- And I would appreciate your letting me know of any context in which it would not sound offensive. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) I will have all the city's snow removed in 72 hours. -- If those 72 hours are in June. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Let me introduce a great humanitarian -- Let me introduce someone with a whole lot of money (Joseph Romm, Washington) There will be a certain fine-tuning of the economy. -- Like Mrs. O'Leary's cow fine-tuned Chicago. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I am happy for the opportunity to speak to the grand jury. -- And I enjoyed Don Imus's little jokes, too. (Gary Mason, Herndon) The only poll I look at is the one on Election Day. -- Gallup never canvasses the cemeteries. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) My opponent has resorted to negative campaigning -- And my spies haven't dug up jack on him. He must be a eunuch. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) The people have a right to know. -- The people have a wish to be entertained. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) I don't recall. -- But I do know the penalty for perjury. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Poland is not a communist country. -- Poland is a vegetable. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Next Week: Wheel of Torture ====================================================================== WEEK 168, published June 2, 1996 Week 168: License to Carry a Pun Who is fat and bends over backward to be conservative? Rush Limbo Who is a very boring political martyr? John F. Canada What do you call a group of castaways who resort to cannibalism and promiscuous sex? The Madonner Party In the world of nudists, who represents Everyman? John Q. Pubic. This Week's Contest was suggested by the Czar, who wins the continued adulation of the masses. We are asking you to come up with original jokes like those above. The punchline must contain a pun on someone's name. This genre of joke no doubt has a name of its own, but darned if we can think of it. First-prize winner gets a mint-condition 1962 decorative shiny velour rug featuring John F. Kennedy and the U.S. Capitol, a $50 value. (A special prize of a set of genuine moose-poop swizzle sticks will be awarded to the person who best names this type of joke.) Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 168, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report From Week 165, in which you were invited to complete any of five Wheel of Fortune Phrases About Hell, adhering to certain configurations of spaces and letters. This contest proved extremely hard and many regulars whined and sniveled about how cruel we were. We will not embarrass those weenies by publishing their names, the most vociferous of whom was Russ-ll B-land of Springfi-ld. Anyway, the rest of you did just fine, though we will admit the strictures of this contest provoked various pathetic desperation moves. Several people, for example, said the celebrity often seen in Hell was "Rosten Kowski." Fourth Runner-Up: A Serious Faux Pas in Hell: Blessing Unto a Sneezer (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring Third Runner-Up: A Serious Faux Pas in Hell: Yielding Imus a Lectern (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Second Runner-Up: A Common Recreational Activity in Hell: Bananas and Gerbils (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: A Common Recreational Activity in Hell: Lawyers Are Grilled (Frank Thompson, Vienna; Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) And the Winner of the Chefmaster(R) Hat and Apron: Today's Menu in Hell's Cafeteria: Basil, Ginger, Herb and Murray (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Honorable Mentions: What is a way one might address the Devil? ----- --- -- -A-- Fetid Wad of Caca (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Senor Muy de Malo. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Lusty Bag of Hate (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Youse, Wit da Tail (Russell Beland, Springfield) Swell Pit, Dr. Damn! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Senor All My Pain. (Tom Lundregan, Alexandria) Satan, You Am Baad. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Common Recreational Activities in Hell: -A----S --- G----- Gardens Not Growing (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Maggots Are Gobbled (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Paddles and Gluteus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Parades for Gestapo (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Tommy Litz, Bowie) Lawyers' Art Gallery (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Celebrity Often Seen in Hell: R----- ------ Richie Havens (Tommy Litz, Bowie; Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Ronald Popeil (Maureen Brennan, McLean) Today's Menu In Hell's Cafeteria: B----, ------, ----, and -U----. Beano, Zantac, Nair and GumOut (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) Blank, Spaces, Nada and Bupkis. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Barbs, Thorns, Pins and Hunger (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) A Bad Faux Pas in Hell: -----ING ---- - ------- Arriving With 2 Lawyers (Norman F. Wesley, Pittsburgh) Grousing Over a Sunburn (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Chilling Down a Brewski (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Knitting Pope a Sweater (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) Xeroxing Tons o' Resumes (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Drinking From a Carcass (Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie) Dressing Like a Pontiff (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Flirting With a Senator (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Arriving With a Zamboni (Ray Aragon and Cindy Coe, Bethesda) And Last: Spelling Rong 2 Wingame (Ed Hopkins, Davidsonville) Next week: Doo Wah Doody ====================================================================== WEEK 169, published June 9, 1996 Week 169: Diff'rent Jokes. Mount Everest Joe Camel A Horse With No Name Barbra Streisand's Behind A Chain Saw Directory Assistance A 1975 AMC Pacer The Titanic Mission: Impossible Eddie Haskell Romantic Downtown Hyattsville Dilbert's Necktie The Red Line Marion Barry's Brain This Week's Contest is to tell us the difference between any two of the above. (As in, "What is the difference between Directory Assistance and Mount Everest? Mt. Everest is warmer.") First-prize winner gets a vintage Gerald R. Ford commemorative plate, a value of $40. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 168, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 17. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Dan Royer of Alexandria for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 166, in which we asked you to find the worst real rock lyrics ever, an effort endorsed by Dave Barry, who will be ripping off these answers for a book he is compiling on atrocious lyrics. It is astonishing how many people were unable to distinguish great lyrics from terrible lyrics. You nominated as the worst lyrics of all time some of the finest words ever set to song, including: "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot" by Joni Mitchell, "There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes" by John Prine, and "feelin' near as faded as my jeans," by Kris Kristofferson, not to mention the only good line ever sung by Nancy Sinatra: "You been samin' when you oughta been changin' . . . " The judging here was hard because of the voluminous selection of available bilge, some of which has already been dissed adequately elsewhere. The best of these is this stinker, from Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die": "In this ever-changing world in which we live in . . .' Two noteworthy items from the mailbag. First, Russ Beland of Springfield writes, "The Billy Jack theme ['One Tin Soldier'] is the only song so bad that when it comes on the car radio I deliberately swerve into oncoming traffic in an effort to stop it faster than I could by reaching for the dial." And we got this from Sarah Worcester of Bowie: "Why don't you have a contest to write a program to create bibliographic record change specifications from keyed input? The program should be in PL1, must execute under CICS, and due to the nature of the character set required, must use Terminal Control instead of BMS. (As long as you are having everyone do Dave Barry's work for him, you might as well have them do mine for me.)" Okay. The winners. In the category of Bad Rhymes, the first runner-up was perpetrated by Steve Miller in "Take the Money and Run." It was cited by many people: Billy Mack was a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just exactly what the facts is . . . And the winner of very worst rhyme is Creedence Clearwater Revival, for this ear-shattering couplet from "Lookin' Out My Back Door": Dinosaur Victrola / Listenin' to Buck Owens. . .(Carolyn Armstrong, Front Royal; Dave Ferry, Leesburg) In the category of "Well, Duh," first runner-up is from "The Rain, The Park, and Other Things," by the Cowsills: I saw her sitting in the rain, Raindrops falling on her. . . (Jennifer Garrison, Burlington, N.C.) And the winner, by Steve Miller in "Fly Like an Eagle": Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping / into the fuuuu-ture. (Don Beale, Arlington; Jane Hanna, Leesburg;) In the category of "If It Don't Fit, Just Force It," first runner-up goes to The Doors. The Doors are famously bad for rhyming with a blowtorch and crowbar ("Till the stars fall from the sky / for you and I"), but here is their finest effort, from "L.A. Woman": I see your hair is burning / The hills are filled with fire. / If they say I never loved you / Well, you know they are a liar. (Steve Carnahan, Syosset, N.Y.) And the winner, from "Play Me," by Neil Diamond: Song she sang to me / Song she brang to me . . . (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) In the "Gag Me With a Spoon" category, first runner-up goes to Cream, for this warmly romantic line from "Sunshine of Your Love": I'll stay with you till my seeds are dried up. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) And the winner, from "Lightning Strikes," by Live: Lightning crashes, a new mother cries / Her placenta falls to the floor. (Scott Barney, Washington) In the category of "Aww, You Shouldn't Have," first runner-up goes to Dr. Hook for this ode to rape in "Love You a Little Bit More": When your body's had enough of me, And I'm layin' flat out on the floor, When you think I've loved you all I can, I'm gonna love you a little bit more. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring) And the winner, which requires no further exposition, from "Chestnut Mare" by Roger McGuinn for the Byrds: I'm going to catch that horse if I can, And when I do, I'll give her my brand, And we'll be friends for life, She'll be just like a wife. . . (Arthur J. Murphy, Chicago) In the category of Just Plain Dippy lyrics, first runner-up goes to Leslie Gore for this, from "Judy's Turn to Cry": The other night I was at a party / I was dancin' with some other guy / Johnny jumped up and he hit him / 'Cause he still loved me, that's why! (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Takoma Park) And the winner, from one of the dorkiest songs ever written, "Reach Out in the Darkness" by Friend and Lover. This song is noteworthy not so much because it contains this lyric: "I think it's so groovy now, that people are finally gettin' together / I think it's wonderfulla now, that people are finally gettin' together, but because that is not the worst lyric in the song. That distinction goes to this painfully earnest stanza: I knew a man that I did not care for And then one day this man gave me a call. We sat and talked about things on our minds And now this man, he is a friend of mine. (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) In the category of Worst Song Title, the winner of course is: "I Honestly Love You" recorded by Olivia Newton-John (Dean Meservy, Laurel) In the category of "Huh, Wha?," first runner-up is this from "Birdhouse in Your Soul," by They Might Be Giants: I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am. (Paul Evans and Mary Rock, Great Mills) And the winner is this triplet, soulfully delivered by the Beatles in "Sun King": Cuando para mucho mi amore de felice corazon Mundo pararazzi mi amore chicka ferdy parasol Cuesto obrigado tanta mucho que can eat it carousel. (Jeff and Pam Wadler, Alexandria) And now for the worst lyric of all time, winner of the Mr. Dip Lip, the dental model. It is from "Tonight's the Night," by Rod Stewart, the gravelly balladeer of requited love. It not only sounds moronic, and doesn't scan, and quarrels with the romantic theme of the song, but the words says precisely the opposite of what the artist intends: Don't say a word, my virgin child. Just let your inhibitions run wild . . . (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; also, Steve Rouzer, Randallstown) NEXT WEEK: CRAPSEY ====================================================================== WEEK 170, published June 16, 1996 Week 170: The Elements of Smile This Week's Contest: Why are these people smiling? Choose one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a "Remote-Controlled Electronic Fart Machine," a fine product of the People's Republic of China. It is, according to the box, a "state of the art, high-tech electronic replacement for the now obsolete inflatable rubber Whoopie Cushion." This is a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 170, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Ned Bent of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads and to respond to certain quibbles arising from our rock-lyric contest. We heard from many ardent defenders of the Beatles who claimed that our quotations from "Sun King" and "Live and Let Die" were incorrect, thereby heaping undeserved abuse upon the band and in particular upon the godlike person of Paul McCartney. We would like to say you are right, because although we think Paul something of a gigantic tushy, we revere the Beatles. Alas, we did not err. Want to bet $20? Fine. The faux-Italian gibberish on "Sun King" was straight from the published sheet music. As for "Live and Let Die," Paul has indeed disingenuously claimed he was saying something a little less awful than "in this ever-changing world in which we live in." But a careful listening reveals only that he was saying, "IF this ever-changing world in which we live in." No better. Check it out. Listen with headphones. Next, mail your twenties to The Czar, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Thank you. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 167, in which you were asked to invent cinquains, revoltingly precious poems in successive lines of two, four, six, eight, and two syllables. Third Runner-Up: Snowflakes. Faerie doilies, Angels' lace petticoats Drift and swirl like souls of kittens. Oh, barf.(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Second Runner-Up: Oh God, If Madonna Bears a boy, and wants A Spanish name, let it not be Jesus. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) First Runner-Up: Bob Dole, Old but virile; Tyrannosaurus Sex, O, dark, rapacious veloci- Rapture! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) And the winner of the shredded-currency pillow: Oh dear, Sylvia Plath, Down went your spirits, and Up went the gas, and now life you No hath. (Christine Tabbert, Woodbridge) Honorable Mentions: He goes, "The moon's way cool, Would you like to, you know . . ." And I'm like yuck, I mean, no way, As if. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Received: One submission From a T. Kaczynski. Though, please note, we would much prefer E-mail. (Russ Horner, Alexandria) Riding The Red Line is Splendiferous, but I Wish he knew the S is silent. Grosvenor. (Doris Nachman, Springfield, Mo.) My muse, My cinquain muse, James Bond, I call to you. Give me your poetic license To kill! (Joseph Romm, Washington) Swan, so Graceful, arches Its delicate neck and Wriggles its feathered rump as if To poop. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Rockville) If a Tree falls in the Woods and no one's around, Does it make a sound? Listen close: "Oh [expletive]" (Joseph Romm, Washington) The morgue, Buckets of brains, Seventy-four corpses, Crematorium on the fritz. Death stinks. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) British Cow, why didst thou Eat sheep? They fed you your Death sentence. Doesn't it make you Mad, cow? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) The morn, Breaking bright on This glorious roundness, This heavenly creation, this Bagel. (Susan Reese, Arlington) You want To have my child? What a lovely way to Say how much you love me. Where's the Condom? (Joseph Romm, Washington) Bite me Is a rebuke Useful with many guys But it wasn't good to say to Dahmer. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Sea Dogs. Unchosen name! But why? Who knows? I frown and keep on braiding my lover's Nose hair. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The me- ter of this cin- quain is off by a lou- sy syllable. Now it's ruint, son- of-a- (John Kammer, Herndon) Roses Are red, violets Are blue, sugar is sweet, This contest smells even worse than Cleveland. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Crapsey Wrote her cinquains Long ago; this Vassar grad Now haunts us, her ghostly footfalls A thud. (Christine Gallant, Bowie)And Last: Winners Are selected On the basis of wit And originality. And I'm pope. (Joseph Romm, Washington) NEXT WEEK: License To Carry A Pun ====================================================================== WEEK 171, published June 23, 1996 Week 171: On Second Thought . . . This Week's Contest: Ideas that never got off the drawing board, for good reason. In short, bright ideas that lost their luster the following morning, upon sober reflection. Any sort of idea -- a commercial product, a business strategy, a philosophy of life, etc. -- is acceptable. First-prize winner gets a three-masted schooner made entirely from Coors beer cans, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 171, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. To the many people who have been writing imploring us to tell them what The Ear No One Reads is, we say: It's right across from The R No One Notices. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 168, in which you were asked to come up with a 'what is' joke resulting in a pun on someone's name. The winner of the moose-poop swizzle sticks for inventing a name for the genre of joke is Marty Madden of Prince Frederick. Marty says they are 'Czar-casms.' Third Runner-Up: Which rock star's career took off quickly but then crashed and burned? Joan Valu-Jett. (Shawn A. Farrell, Bowie) Second Runner-Up: What revolutionary leader led his guerrilla forces while wearing an evening gown and a string of pearls? Che Edgar Hoover. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) First Runner-Up: Who steals from the rich and mismanages the proceeds? Robin HUD. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville, Md.) And the Winner of the JFK rug: Who wrote "The Hatchback of Notre Dame?" Victor Yugo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Honorable Mentions: Who designed an operating system that can run even with a dead mother board? Norman Gates. (Michael Tharp, Phoenix) What famous naturalist is known for painting thunderbirds, eagles, falcons and skylarks? James Autobahn. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) What do you call a silly person, place, or thing? Bozo the Noun. (Jean Sorensen, Herdon) Which Greek philosopher sought to mold the minds of men? Play-Doh. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Who is 'The Queen of the Continent'? Urethra Franklin. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Who told President Clinton that there is a very, very bad cold on the heart of the presidency? George Staphanopoulos. (David Genser, Vienna) Who believes in assisted suicide by driving a Chrysler back and forth over the body? Dr. Kerkorian. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) Whose route home to his birthplace is lined with people trying to catch and kill him? Salmon Rushdie. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Which NFL quarterback is most adept at reading the minds of the defense? Steve Jung. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What president managed to polish his tarnished reputation? Richard Noxon. (Joan Schloo, Rockville) Who wrote "The Goose-Step of the Last Minstrel?" Sir Walter Schott. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Which monarch became so fat and bloated that his castle had to be remodeled to accommodate his corpulence? King Henry Ate, House of Two-Door. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Who is Inspector 007 at the tuna factory? Sean Cannery. (Susan Reese, Arlington) What little girl intentionally stayed lost and alone in the woods? Gretel Garbo. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Who can only see half your future? Swami Davis Jr. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) What famous mystery writer had no heirs? Sir Arthur Condom Doyle (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who is the world's foremost trainer of small animals? Gunther Gerbil-Williams. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) What psychiatrist was the most anal-retentive? Sigmoid Freud. (Howard and Beth Glick, Leesburg) What is the name of the understudy at the opera? Placebo Domingo. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro) Who babysits for your child and strips him of all spirituality? Madalyn Murray Au Pair. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Who sings only 5 days a month? The New Christy Menstruals. (Dean Evangelista, Gaithersburg) What literary character got over his obsession with a white whale by entering a 12-step program? Captain Rehab. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Who is a justice of the nation's lowest court? Antonym Scalia. (David McAuley, Annandale) And Last: What U.S. Surgeon General was also a frequent Style Invitational contributor? C. Everett Poop. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) . ====================================================================== WEEK 172, published June 30, 1996 Week 172: Poedtry The mail doth come and go Silent, speedy, gentle. Yellowish envelope? Interdepartmental! Bang! Boom! Squish! Pop! Fizz! Bleat! Writing Requires Ideas Excepting: Onomatopoeias. Oh, Pain Whips Through My Gut, Never Passing, Unlike Quarterback Unitas. Diverticulitis. This Week's Contest is something new: an entire poetic form, making its global debut in the Style Invitational. Inspired by Adelaide Crapsey's wretched cinquains, Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville has created the poetic form above, which he calls "Poeds," as in "Poems by Ed." The rules are that the first line must be contain only six words of one syllable each; the second line, three words of two syllables each; the third line, two words of three syllables each, and the final line a single word of six syllables. At least two lines must rhyme. The general subject matter should be mundane. We love this art form. Ed wins a splendid prize: The Squirming Half-Rat Snack, which, when placed in the mouth, makes it look as though the user is devouring a live rat, head first. ("Use your tongue to move the button and the tail will wiggle and twitch! Made in Taiwan.") The best poed wins a vintage roll of Jimmy Carter toilet paper, circa 1978, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 172, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 8. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads, and to acknowledge continued niggling over the results of the rock lyric contest. Ardent defenders of Cream claim Eric Clapton and Jack Bruce were singing "I'll be with you till the seas are dry," not "till my seeds are dried up," and Rod Stewart fanatics contend Rod was growling "let your imagination run wild," not "inhibitions." Folks, you think we don't check this stuff? Both lyrics, as we wrote them, were correct. And awful. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 169, in which we asked you to tell us the differences between any two of 15 items we named. David Kleinbard of Chevy Chase gets The Style Invitational's third Blind T-shirt Award. This prestigious award celebrates "Entries Worthy of Prizes but So Unspeakably Vile They Cannot Be Uttered Near Humans or Even Sensitive Dogs, Let Alone Printed in a Newspaper Famed for Its Distinguished Coverage of Serious Global Issues Such as International Quotas on the Production of Feldspar." Congratulations, David. We are sending you a T-shirt. When friends ask you what you won it for, you can tell them your fine joke. Then you can find new friends. Fifth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and the Titanic? You can't play shuffleboard on the Titanic anymore. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Fourth Runner-Up: What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Barbra Streisand's behind? One has absolutely no influence on the Clinton White House. (Harry B. Heisler, Washington) Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Marion Barry's brain? The Pacer would be somewhat affected by local road conditions. (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between the Titanic and "Mission: Impossible"? The Titanic had a short cruise with a really bad end. "Mission: Impossible" has a short Cruise with a pretty darn attractive end. (Susan Reese, Arlington) First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a chain saw and Directory Assistance? 500. (Paul Styrene, Olney) And the winner of the Gerald Ford commemorative plate: What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and a chain saw? With a chain saw, you can actually HEAR the buzz. (David Smith, Greenbelt) Honorable Mentions: What is the difference between a chain saw and Marion Barry's brain? A chain saw cuts dead wood. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the difference between Mount Everest and Joe Camel? Most third-graders have heard of Joe Camel. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is the difference between a horse with no name and Marion's Barry's brain? All that snorting hasn't hurt the horse. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Barbra Streisand's behind? Eddie is not Lumpy. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and a chain saw? You want to get a chain saw started. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) What is the difference between a chain saw and Eddie Haskell? A chain saw makes life EASIER for the beaver. (James Ascher, Alexandria) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and Barbra Streisand's behind? The Pacer only SEEMS to get wider with time. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Dilbert's necktie? Dilbert can never get his tie to stay in his pants. (Russell Beland, Springfield) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's brain? Eddie Haskell doesn't get picked on by Whitey. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) What is the difference between "Mission: Impossible" and Barbra Streisand's behind? "Mission: Impossible" has an unnecessary colon. (Don White, Frederick; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) What is the difference between Barbra Streisand's behind and Marion Barry's brain? The first is a tuchus. The second took us. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and "Mission: Impossible"? The latter had an outstanding Landau version. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga) What is the difference between the Titanic and Marion Barry's brain? The Titanic only hit bottom once. (Stephen F. Dudzik, Silver Spring) What is the difference between Marion Barry's brain and Mount Everest? One is considered by experts to be the highest place in the world, and the other is in the Himalayas. (Joseph Romm, Washington) What is the difference between Mount Everest and Romantic Downtown Hyattsville? Mount Everest has more good restaurants. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Joe Camel and a horse with no name? Joe Camel is not an anagram of "the nose hair woman." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) What is the difference between a 1975 AMC Pacer and the Titanic? It's easier to find parts for the Titanic. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Vance Greer, Sterling) What is the difference between the Red Line and Marion Barry's brain? One goes through Rockville, the other has gone through a lot of rock. (David Genser, Vienna) What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Directory Assistance? Eddie Haskell is less patronizing. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And last: What is the difference between Eddie Haskell and Marion Barry's Brain? Eddie was always getting THE BEAVER in trouble, while . . . (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Dan Stevens, Glen Burnie; Bob Sorensen, Herndon) ====================================================================== WEEK 173, published July 7, 1996 Week 173: Dead Reckoning Cal Ripken Jr. to Lou Gehrig: "Wouldn't you have just died for a day off? Er, ah, I mean . . ." This Week's Contest was suggested by a B. Fitzgerald, who appears to live only on the Internet and whose gender and home town cannot reliably be determined. B. wins a realistic plastic salad. In honor of Hillary Clinton's conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt, B. suggests you propose a question that might be asked by a living celebrity to a famous dead person. You must name the living person, name the dead person, and tell us the question. First-prize winner gets a genuine inflatable plastic Mona Lisa ("WARNING: THIS PRODUCT NOT TO BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE." MADE IN TAIWAN) suitable for hanging on one's wall if one were, say, a Ringling Bros. clown married to a Vegas pit boss. It is worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 173, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 15. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Linda Perlstein of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 170, The Smile Invitational, in which we drew five cartoons and asked you to explain why the people were smiling. Twelve entries said Cartoon A was a scene from Dr. Kevorkian's waiting room. Fifth Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Possible proud father waits to see Madonna's baby. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) Fourth Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Jennifer realizes she can apply for an NEA grant simply by changing the name of her artwork from "Dot" to "Come See My Period." (Richard Wong, Arlington) Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The National Park Service's sketch artist proudly displays her depiction of the Million Man March. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) Ladies' restrooms are rarely found at construction sites, often forcing female workers to be creative. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Another victim of the Chap Stick-Krazy Glue product-tampering incident waits despairingly in the emergency room. (David Genser, Vienna; Sandra Hull, Arlington) And the Winner of the Electronic Remote-Controlled Fart Machine:(Cartoon E) Mrs. Kaczynski gets a card from her thoughtful son. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Cartoon A: He was on ValuJet standby. (Frank Thompson, Vienna; Alex Neill, Washington; Sandra Hull, Arlington) He has just realized that 98 x 6 equals the height of the Great Pyramid in cubits and that Ezekiel 108 thereby foretells the coming of the psychological subjugation mechanism called for by the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, just as Reverend Farrakhan has been trying to warn us all along. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) This man is Russian. It is the shortest line he has seen in years. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Cartoon B: She is smiling because Jesse Helms still hasn't found out about the hole in his dressing room wall. (Ned Bent, Herndon) Mrs. Pollin is pleased that her design for the Wizards' new insignia has been selected. (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Just when the art show attendees have had it up to here with her bad puns, the art teacher proclaims, "This is a self-portrait of one of my favorite pupils." (Steve Daly, Reston) Cartoon C: Two words: Clean underwear. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Marion Barry demonstrates that the pothole-plagued roads are, in fact, drivable. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) An inveterate jokester, Jim chuckled in anticipation of someone asking, "Have an accident?" (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) He is reminded of an Andrew Dice Clay joke whenever he sees "Bangor" on a road sign. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) It caused him to crash, but he was really excited to find a woman from the Mitsubishi assembly line still inside his car. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Cartoon D: Although she had to keep after them doggedly, Rebecca finally got the city to fill the pothole in front of her house in the District. (David Genser, Vienna) Lucretia has found a quick and easy way to get the "hard body" she's dreamed of. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Her mom was right. A mixer was a good place to meet men. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) After the most recent incident, Ringling Bros. decided to spring for contact lenses for Hannah the Happy Human Cannonball. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Cartoon E: Hillary explains how the Whitewater files got on the table. (Michael O'Leary, Huntingtown) Next week: On Second Thought... ====================================================================== WEEK 174, published July 14, 1996 Week 174: The Edge of Might You might have a bad doctor if he has a pack of Marlboros rolled up in the sleeve of his lab coat. Your kid might be running with the wrong crowd if he asks Grandma for a lap dance. You might consider cutting down on your drinking if Teddy is your designated driver. Your spouse might be taking you for granted if she introduces you as her "sperm donor." You might have a bad doctor if he attends your surgery dressed as a pirate. This week's contest was suggested by Jeffrey R. Kern of Montgomery Village, who wins a Pittsburgh Penguins foam rubber "Puckhead" hat donated to The Style Invitational by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wrote in to say she believes The Style Invitational is getting a little too snide. The witch. Jeffrey suggests that you complete any of the four phrases above, as in the examples given. First-prize winner gets a fabulous "Independence Day" magnetic dartboard sent to this newspaper as a promotional freebie in the hopes of getting rave reviews. What they failed to consider was our famed snideness. "Independence Day" is a great big rancid gasbag of a movie, says The Washington Post. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 174, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 22. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Report from Week 171, in which you were asked to come up with ideas that never quite made it off the drawing board. Several people proposed "Dole/Thurmond '96." -- Fourth Runner-Up: "Droopers," a singles restaurant in which waitresses are average middle-aged women. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) -- Third Runner-Up: A new line of Kathie Lee Gifford sweat suits. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) -- Second Runner-Up: Ipecacsicles. (John Kammer, Herndon) -- First Runner-Up: Singing mammograms. (Dudley Thompson Jr., Silver Spring) -- And the winner of the three-masted schooner made out of Coors cans: The Slim-Fast Blimp. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) -- Honorable Mentions: Getting a custom license plate that says SCRU U FUZ (Russell Beland, Springfield) Breaking the stress of air traffic controlling by having everyone talk like Donald Duck.(Earl Gilbert, La Plata) Loincloth Fridays. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) For defense against dogs, required small-arms training for postal workers. (David Genser, Vienna) Putting prostate testing machines in Giant stores. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Fodor's guide to North Korea. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "Blindfolds and Ice Picks" party game. (Tim Morgen, Laurel) Feminine napkin rings. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Resigning from the Senate. (Bob Dole, Russell, Kan.; Russell Beland, Springfield) Months-of-the-year underwear. (Russell Beland, Springfield) "A Charlie Brown Purim." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The 1910 Fruitgum Company reunion tour. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Dashboard light to indicate deployed air bag. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In the interests of world standards, the United States will change to driving on the left side of the road beginning at midnight Dec. 31, 1996. (Gene Van Pelt, Verona) Zippers on condoms. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Self-serve pharmacies. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Style Invitational Loser's Trusses. (David Zarrow, Herndon) Ben and Jerry's new Frozen Borscht. (Tim Morgen, Laurel) Big Al's Douching Service. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The Luddites' Home Page. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Optional toaster for hot tubs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The Devil's Head glowing night light for toddlers. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Preggers Night: Half-price on all liquor for expectant moms! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg) Spice jar packaging for ant poison lets you keep the poison conveniently in your spice rack but doesn't tip off visitors that you have an ant problem. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) Titanic II. (George Wetherill, Washington) Hot-water toilets. (Charlie Myers, Laurel) Hiring The Post's comics editor to host "Politically Incorrect." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) NOW members' discount night at Hooters. (Julie Thomas and Will Cramer, Herndon) The Spleenmaster. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Brown Poupon. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Okay, singing condoms was a bad idea. But how about humming condoms? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Next Week: Poedtry ====================================================================== WEEK 175, published July 21, 1996 Week 175: Fossil Fools. A tree-shaped car freshener. A live cockroach. Mount Rushmore. A bowling trophy. A computer mouse. A copy of today's Washington Post. Plastic bubbles used for packing boxes. A brassiere. A toilet. An umbrella. A D.C. taxi. A Swiss Army knife. A "WALK/DONT'T WALK" A Hefty bag. "Hmm. It seems to have been a primitive society, inasmuch as the most sophisticated surviving weaponry is sort of a double-barreled slingshot. Rocks hurled at a target in such close proximity suggests that this MIGHT be a two-headed species..." Today's contest is a variation on an idea submitted by several people over the last year. No one wins squat. The idea is that 2 million years from now, alien archaeologists visiting the desolatation of a once-inhabited planet known as Earth discover only one remnant of our civilization. Select one from the list above. What do the aliens mistakenly conclude about us from this item? (For extra credit, combine two or more into one conclusion.) First-prize winner gets "Butts Are Gross," a righteously indignant jigsaw puzzle featuring pictures of 11 animal tuchuses and a cigarette butt. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 175, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Robin D. Grove of Baltimore for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 172, in which we asked you to write Poeds, poems consisting of one line of six one-syllable words, one line of three two-syllable words, one line of two three-syllable words, and a final line containing one six-syllable word. Poeds ("Poems by Ed") must contain at least one rhyme. Very hard contest. Much unseemly grousing and whining from regular entrants. Apparently, these individuals feel licensed to complain just because they have become virtually full-time employees of The Washington Post, albeit ones paid entirely in T-shirts, bumper stickers and the occasional Remote Controlled Fart Machine. Our favorite whine came from William Foster of Rockville, who finds us dreadfully lowbrow. William writes in iambic pentameter: 'Tis clear, Style Invitational decides its winners from submissions worst in taste. And queer: Style Invitational derides the brain, and lives with things below the waist. Hey, pal. Live with this.And now to the Poeds: -- Fourth Runner-Up: The world needs a new word Meaning: chatting, smiling. Handsomely advising -- Stephanopoulizing!(David Smith, Greenbelt)u Honorable Mentions: -- Third Runner-Up: If wed now, she'd choose a hyphened, lengthy, awkward cognomen: Juliet Montague-Capulet. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) -- Second Runner-Up: How is it that, with Bill, Scandal eludes nation? Gennifer, Whitewater . . . Press-tidigitation? (Marcy Dilworth, Fairfax) -- First Runner-Up: If it's 2 long 2 st8 Abridge, abbrev., trunc8. Acronym R&D, Washingtonology. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) -- And the winner of the vintage Jimmy Carter toilet paper: Mom, a Jew. Pop, a WASP. Easter, Pesach, Christmas. Communions, Tallises, Psychoanalysis. (Roger L. Browdy, Kensington) -- Honorable Mentions: Buy the toys and see the Disney summer movie. Marketing strategies? Quasimodalities. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Catch. Run. Bunt. Slide. Hit. Throw. Iron fellow's agile. Orioles' security? Supercalifragile. (Helen E. Gallant, Silver Spring) Can't get your sleep at night? Torrid flashes awful? Estrogen prescription! Peri-menopausal. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Damn you. Damn you. Damn you. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Damnation! Damnation! Excommunication. (David M. Johnston, Chapel Hill, N.C.) Dreck Tex Mex -- good as sex Taco? Thanky mucho. Burrito? Whizbanga! Gimmeechimichanga. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) like e.e., i too shun elite upper cases. egotist inflation! capitalization. (Susan Reese, Arlington)Next Week: Dead Reckoning Our lives are too laid back. Human strivings sated. Casual, lethargic. Californicated. (Sandra George, Washington) Pink or blue? He or she? Also factor rhesus. Resolving mystery -- Amniocentesis. (Lillian B. Broadwick, Monkton, Md.) Been there, seen it, done that. Jaded, jaundiced prism. Yadadda regatta. Existentialism. (Sandra George, Washington) Bring the child out o' me. Tissue's almost tearing. Physician! Incision! Episiotomy. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) I must get rid of them: Endless Loser's T-Shirts. Sellable? Tradable? Biodegradable? (David Smith, Greenbelt) -- And Last: The ear that no one reads, Filling unknown terrain. Close-guarded mystery Andsoitshallremain. (Carl Yaffe, Rockville) Next Week: Dead Reckoning ====================================================================== WEEK 176, published July 28, 1996 WEEK 176: WRITE IN THE KISSER Bill Clinton, as described by Raymond Chandler: He walked into the room like a doughnut rolls off an assembly line. He was tall but soft, like a Shirley Temple in a highball glass. His hair was as stiff as a dead butler and the color of four-day-old snow at a La Cienega construction site. He talked slow and soggy, kind of muffled. You heard guys talk like that through tincan telephones, but you were a kid, and they weren't the president of the United States and you didn't have to say yes sir and suck down your doubts like a sump pump in a flooded basement. Today's contest: In the style of any famous writer, living or dead, write a description of one of these people: Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Prince Charles or Sylvester Stallone. Maximum, 100 words. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied dufuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 176, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employes of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 173, in which you were asked to come up with a question that a living celebrity might ask a dead celebrity, in the style of Hillary Clinton's questions to Eleanor Roosevelt. Many, many people had either RuPaul or Dennis Rodman asking J. Edgar Hoover where to find size 12EEE red pumps. Fifth Runner-Up: Bob Dole to Rutherford B. Hayes -- "Why did you lie about my record?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Fourth Runner-Up: Kurt Waldheim to Adolf Hitler -- "Okay, but is it a DRY heat?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Third Runner-Up: Madonna to the Madonna -- "So, how did you convince your guy you weren't cheating?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Second Runner-Up: Albert Belle to Babe Ruth -- "What the &* are YOU looking at?" (Steven King, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: Sen. Alfonse D'Amato to Eleanor Roosevelt -- "Er, did she happen to mention Whitewater?" (Susan Reese, Arlington) And the winner of the inflatable Mona Lisa: Dan Quayle to Martin Luther -- "What inspired you to write that great 'I Have a Dream' speech?" (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg) Honorable Mentions: Lillian Vernon to P.T. Barnum: "Every minute? More like every second!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Pope John Paul II to Pope John Paul I: "Okay, I give up. How DO you keep a Polish person in suspense?" (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Madonna to Frank Zappa: "Got any ideas for a boy's name?" (Ken Marsh, Fairfax) Cecil Jacobson to Casanova: "So. How many kids YOU got?" (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg) Bob Hope to Bing Crosby -- "You're never going to believe this, but they found out about the hookers and you know what? No one gave a rat's butt!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Shirley MacLaine to Shirley MacLaine: "What would you do in my situation?" (Russell Beland, Springfield; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Don Imus to Will Rogers: "We haven't met, have we?" (Russ Beland, Springfield) Hsing-Hsing to Ling-Ling: "Why did you have to eat that imported bamboo? Now it's just me and the tire." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Marcel Marceau to Harpo Marx: (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Leona Helmsley to Saint Peter: "You've reserved me a choice seat by the Right Hand, haven't you? I'll make it worth your while." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Geraldo Rivera to Ludwig Van Beethoven: "Mr. Beethoven, if you . . . Mr. Beethoven? MISTER BEETHOVEN!!!" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church) Madonna to Joan of Arc: "Couldn't you have saved yourself by just boinking a king or something?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Larry King to Adolf Hitler: "What was your most embarrassing moment?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tori Spelling to Pythagoras: "Like, if Valerie loves Brandon, and Brandon loves Kelly, can Kelly love Brandon without Valerie going postal?" (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Kathie Lee Gifford to Jesus Christ: "I have only one question. Isn't Cody ADORABLE?" (Joseph Romm, Washington) Connie Chung to Felix Frankfurter: "Is that really your name?" (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg) Post comics editor to Walt Kelly: "How about making it 'We have met the enemy and he is a curmudgeonly fuzzybunny with a heart of gold.' " (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Alicia Silverstone to Adolf Hitler: "Omigod, like, what was your deal?" (Scott Aukema, Alexandria) Binyamin Netanyahu to Moses: "Couldn't you have turned RIGHT at the oil fields instead?" (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring) And last: Bill Clinton to John F. Kennedy: "How many people do you think will have me talking to you for this contest?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)(Answer: More than 100.) NEXT WEEK: THE EDGE OF MIGHT ====================================================================== WEEK 177, published August 4, 1996 Week 177: Sounds Like Trouble What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? What is "Whoooooo? Whoooooo? Ewwwwwww . . . "? What is "Kevork Kevork"? What is "Hamahamahamahamahamahama"? What is "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop"? This week's contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a genuine 1950s-era "Peter Meter." Jonathan suggests that you tell us what any of the above sounds are. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied doofuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 177, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 174, in which you were asked to complete any one of four sentences. Fourth Runner-Up: Your spouse might be taking you for granted if . . . he asks you to pretend to be his sister when he introduces you to his new secretary. (Douglas Bailey, Baldwinsville, N.Y.) Third Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . during your operation, he leaves an airline liquor bottle in you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Second Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . the diplomas on his wall are on fax paper. (David Genser, Vienna) First Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if ... you can see his butt crack. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) And the winner of the "Independence Day" dartboard: You might have a bad doctor if ... you see him at the drugstore, asking the pharmacist for advice. (Alice Blackburn, Vienna) Honorable Mentions You might have a bad doctor if: ... he ends every sentence with "Bada-bing, bada-boom." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ... he says, "I think we better try bleeding you." (Russell Beland, Springfield) ... he moonlights at Jiffy Lube. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) . .. he saves used tongue depressors to make Popsicles for the neighborhood kids. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) ... his surgical mask is made out of human skin. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield) ... his diploma is from Starfleet Academy (Jan Schloo, Rockville). ... he introduces himself by saying "Hi, I'll be your 'doctor' today" -- with hand quotes. (Jon Miller and Brian Thurber, Bethesda) ... you can tell he expects a tip. (George Wetherill, Washington) Your kid might be hanging with the wrong crowd if... .. he calls his kindergarten teacher "Gangsta Bitch." (Nick Dierman, Potomac; Jeremy Hancock, Arlington) . .. you start most discussions with him by saying, "Put the gun down ..." (Norman Wesley, Pittsburgh) ... his friends have either been "whacked" or are "in the joint." (Jim Seibert, Arlington) ... he asks for his allowance in "Camel Cash." (Sandra Hull, Arlington) ... he has Astroturf lining his truck bed, but won't say what it's for. (Russell Beland, Springfield) ... he suggests it might be a good idea to bulletproof the family car. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) ... even John Thompson wouldn't recruit him. (Katherine L. George, Haymarket) You might consider cutting back on your drinking if. . . ... you have no idea how that mailbox became attached to your wrist. (Stacey Kahn, Washington) ... you find yourself wasting your heroin money on drinks. (Tommy Litz, Bowie) ... paint thinner is becoming too pretentious for you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ... you keep getting arrested for relieving yourself on airline beverage carts. (Leslie A. Pierce, Alexandria; Russell Beland, Springfield) ... you find yourself choosing your wardrobe by what won't show vomit stains. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) .. your latest get-rich-quick scheme is to win the Style Invitational. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Your spouse might be taking you for granted if ... ... she makes you sleep on the wet spot -- in the cat box. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ... his idea of housework is remembering to flush the toilet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) ... she stays up all night talking to Eleanor Roosevelt. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And Last: ... she no longer finds you witty and contends unfairly that your sense of humor is infantile and fixated on bodily functions, such as farting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) ====================================================================== WEEK 178, published August 11, 1996 Week 178: Deep Throats If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because children should not be having sex. It is easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also check out his Adam's apple. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. By my estimation, a song is always a thing of beauty . . Oh, wait -- I forgt about yodeling. Today's contest was suggested by Joseph Romm of Washington, who wins his own underpants. For technically unexplainable reasons, Joseph sent them to us in a FedEx package a year ago, and it has remained in a drawer at The Post. Periodically, someone will open it and ask "What is this?" and we will say, "Joseph Romm's underpants," and they will respond, "Oh." The joke is -- ha ha -- wearing thin. Anyway, Joseph proposes that we ask you to come up with Deep Thoughts, in the Style of Jack Handey of "Saturday Night Live." For those unfamiliar with Mr. Handey's ouevre, we include a few of his examples above, plus a general explanation: A Deep Thought is a short, simple, seemingly inspirational observation that winds up being cynical, ironic, or just plain weird. First-prize winner gets a magnificent taxidermized mouse donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 178, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Do you have, or do you know anyone who has, the worst job in the Washington area? Best examples win stupid prizes and national humiliation. Describe said job to "Style Invitational Bad Jobs Contest," at this address. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 175, in which we asked you to surmise what alien anthropologists would conclude about us if they arrived on Earth a million years from now and found only certain specific relics. But first, we need to acknowledge a letter from Kevin Cuddihy of Fairfax, whose entries arrived a day after deadline, with a plea for an exemption. Kevin explained how he was out of the country, chaperoning his church group to a work camp in Canada, helping restore the homes of people too sick or poor to do this themselves. Wow. Kevin, we are sympathetic to your case. But under the new welfare reform bill, compassion is expressly forbidden by law. Listen, if we starting bending the rules for you, we would have to make allowances for people with myasthenia gravis, for example. You can see where that would lead. Exemption denied. On to the aliens: * Third Runner Up: A toilet -- "This primitive warrior race armored themselves with heavy porcelain helmets having handy swing-down chin straps." (John Kammer, Herndon) * Second Runner-Up: A brassiere -- "They may not have been totally carbon-based. I'm getting trace indications of silicon." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * First Runner-Up: Plastic bubble-wrap -- "Wow, near the end they must have sold air by the cubic inch! Poor wretches." (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) * And the winner of the "Butts Are Gross" jigsaw puzzle: A toilet, a D.C. taxicab and a tree-shaped air freshener -- "From this elaborate porcelain device for delivering drinking water, and from the unaesthetic coloration on the exterior of their main form of personal transport, suggesting colorblindness, and from the tree icon sprayed with a foul-smelling liquid, we may reliably infer this was a society ruled by dogs." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Honorable Mentions: A toilet and a D.C. taxicab: "One appears to be a vessel for waste disposal and the other ... hmm, what do you suppose this handle is for?" (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) The Sunday Post: "If Marilyn vos Savant was the smartest human alive, they were a race of idiots." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) Mount Rushmore: "It's no wonder they became extinct. They were all the same sex." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Tree-shaped car freshener, a bowling trophy, a Walk/Don't Walk sign: "Examining these objects as a group, we must conclude that this civilization's guiding motto was 'tree, strikes, and your route.' This is such a bad pun they deserved to die out." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) A D.C. Taxi: "They were a primitive society using the zone system instead of a meter like everyone else in the universe." (Dave Ferry, Leesburg) A D.C. Taxi: "This was a race of people whose names had no vowels." (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) An umbrella: "Their mai tais must have been awesome." (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park; Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) A brassiere: "The speculation that this might indicate a society of two-headed creatures is too ludicrous to comment on in a serious journal. Obviously, this device is a feed bag and it was the beasts of burden that were two-headed." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Plastic bubble-wrap: "Look, the last batch of eggs from this planet's inhabitants. Say, no wonder they died out -- one feels strangely compelled to POP them ... " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) A computer mouse: "The species died out because of poor design. It achieved locomotion by moving about on a single exposed testicle." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) A bowling trophy: "Their opposable thumb became very unwieldy and may have contributed to the extinction of the species." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; John Kammer, Herndon) A brassiere: "The inability of our top engineers to open this device suggests it was some sort of manacle." (Joseph Romm, Washington) A Walk/Don't Walk sign and The Post: "This aboriginal society devolved to such a state they could not decide whether to move about without specific instruction. People were literally programmed by computer to do everything. A confirming data point in The Washington Post: The capital city could not operate without a 'control board.'" (Gary Mason, Herndon) A toilet: "We are uncertain of the utility of this item, although we are reporting to Central Command that Lt. Dilphon left the lid up twice today." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) ====================================================================== WEEK 179, published August 18, 1996 Week 179: A Clockwork, Um, Um . . . Er. "I said a filthy Richard the Third when the Trouble and Strife called on the Rag and Bone to say she had left me for a damned Septic Tank." I took the Red Line to the Heaven-Knows-Who, where a two-humped Dorothy Hamill was giving rides to a bunch of spoiled little Baseball Bats. This Week's Contest is based on "Cockney rhyming slang," a bloomin' English form of street jive. Certain key nouns in a sentence are replaced by phrases ending with an unrelated word that rhymes with the original word. The sentence above, for example, makes sense when you realize that "Richard the Third" stands for "word," and "Trouble and Strife" means "wife," and "Rag and Bone" means "telephone," and "Septic Tank" means "Yank." See? Each entry must be a single sentence containing no fewer than three examples of rhyming slang; you may define the phrases separately, though you need not if you feel the meanings are obvious. Best entries will show a subliminally appropriate link between a word and its new translation. Trust us, this sort of grows on you as you noodle around with it. (Spare us dirty words disguised in rhyme. They won't win.) First-prize winner gets a working vintage Lyndon Johnson kitchen clock featuring portraits of all the presidents of the United States, with Lyndon at the top, larger than Lincoln, Washington or FDR. This is worth $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 179, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 26. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 176, in which we asked you to describe any of five celebrities in the style of a famous writer. * Third Runner-Up: Hillary Clinton, described by Margaret Wise Brown: Goodnight, lawyer who passed the bar Goodnight, converser with Ms. FDR, Goodnight, investor so totally able, Goodnight, first lady -- hey, what are these files on the table...?(Sue Lin Chong, Washington) * Second Runner-Up: Bob Dole, described by Robert Burns: Auld. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * First Runner-Up: Bill Clinton, described by Edgar Allan Poe Republicans, no friends of Bill's, Not Bill's. Their world of wealth and privilege, With policies he kills. When he tinkers, tinkers, tinkers, With defense and our health care, He encourages those stinkers Who have talk shows on the air. Putting Dole Dole Dole in a dark and ghastly hole. With the kind of legislation That the right wing never thrills, They are Bill's bills, Bill's bills, Bill's bills, Bill's. The conservatively lib'ral bills of Bill's. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) * And the winner of the annotated copy of "Primary Colors": Prince Charles, described by Rudyard Kipling: If you can trim your bleedin' ears, they're such an eyesore And your royal acne looks like gopher holes It's your title, not yer bum, that ladies Di for If you're not sure, just ask Ms. Parker Bowles If you can down her highness's gin and not be stinkin' And squeeze into last year's jodhpurs just for fun, If you can keep your polo balls from shrinkin', You'll still be dead before you're king, my son. (Kitty Thuermer, Washington) * Honorable Mentions: Bob Dole, described by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: It is an ancient Senator, And he stoppeth one of three. By thy long gray beard and glittering eye, Now wherefore stopp'st thou me? "I fear thee, ancient Senator! I fear thy skinny hand! And thou art long, and lank, and old, And thy message is so bland." He went like one that hath been stunned, And is of sense forlorn; A sadder and a wiser man, Back to the Kansas corn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Sylvester Stallone, described by Adelaide Crapsey See how His eyelid droops Like the flag at half mast Of a nation deeply mourning Its dead. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Sylvester Stallone, described by Howard Stern: I love chicks. Especially knockers. A fine set of hooters really drives me wild. And a tight butt. You know who has good hooters? Pamela Anderson Lee. That Lois Lane, Teri Hatcher, she's got a good rack, too. She did that "Seinfeld" episode, and believe me, they're real. Sly will confirm this. He's a good guy. (Hugh McAloon, Syracuse, N.Y.) Bob Dole, described by Tony Kornheiser: Look, I may be old, fat and bald, but Bob Dole is so old his high school prom date was that Peruvian mummy babe. Of course, Dole has hair, but who does his hair, Jiffy Lube? And what was up with walking around in that T-shirt and shorts? Put an old bathrobe and some slippers on him and he's my Uncle Sid in the nursing home. And what's the deal with that pen in his hand? Did he sign an endorsement deal with Paper Mate? Ba-da-BOOM! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Bill Clinton, described by Jane Austen: Some whispered (or, in truth, shouted) that Mr. Clinton was a gentleman of dubious character, and others suspected he was no gentleman at all. Indeed, he owed his high office more to happy turns of Fortune than to lofty birth. His countenance bore the stamp of his simple upbringing in Arkansashire; it was ruddy, and perhaps too generously endowed with flesh. Yet he had a felicitous talent for persuasion, and his manner was easy and amiable. Thus many townspeople declared Mr. Clinton quite to their taste, while adjudging the dour Mr. Dole altogether too disagreeable. (Gloria Bruce, Hyattsville) Prince Charles, described by Albert Camus: The queen died today. Or maybe it was yesterday. The prince wasn't sure. When someone told him, he didn't say anything. Anyway, he could be king now. It didn't matter, really--it was just a word, king. It only meant a better crown. It was that kind of year, two birds with one stone. First his wife, now his mother. The timing was interesting. He got up on his polo pony and sat. The horse didn't know the queen had died. It was just as well. (Drew Limsky, Washington) Bill Clinton, described by J.D. Salinger: Now there's the phoniest bastard ever to hold public office. He keeps saying how welfare needs reform and all, but that every bill is too hard on the kids. And then you get depressed as hell thinking about some nice kid starving and all just so you could save some dough, so you vote for Clinton because he's this nice sensitive guy. Sensitive my ass. He's just now signing the goddamn thing because he promised he would and he wants to run again. He just wants the votes. All anybody ever wants is the goddamn votes. (George Lazopoulos, Arlington) And Last: Bill Clinton, described by the scribes at the Washington Times: Sources in Little Rock revealed today that President Clinton is an insect. His eyes are at the ends of long crawdad-like stalks, and his tentacles leave a trail of slime. In other developments, it was revealed that Hillary Rodham Clinton, who claims to be his wife, is the shell casing of the larval form of a giant, venom-spitting Sumatran cockroach. . . . (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) ====================================================================== WEEK 180, published August 25, 1996 Week 180: When In Doubt, Pun This week's contest was suggested, sort of, by Geneva Overholser, the ombudsman of the Washington Post. In her column last Sunday, Ms. Overholser complained that The Post carries too many headlines containing puns. She specifically singled out the Sunday Style section for pun-ishment. She proposed a "pun watch" in which readers send in examples of pun-driven headlines they find annoying. Geneva apparently wants more conventional headlines. Geneva wants convention. Get it.? Hahahaha. Anyway, we are not mad at her. You can't criticize someone for just doing her job. She wins a broom. Our main point though, is that Geneva is wrong. We love puns in headlines. We think The Post doesn't have enough puns in its headlines. And so we propose a 'Pun Watch' of our own. This Week's Contest is to take any headline in today's Post and improve it by somehow turning it into a pun. The new headline must basically describe the story, but it must utilize a pun to do so, the more tortured the better. Make sure you tell us what the original headline was, and what page it was on. First-prize winner gets a pair of elephant-lens sunglasses from the Republican convention and a blinking, GOP microchip lapel pin. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 180, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, Sept 3. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post Employees and their families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 177, in which we asked you to explain the meaning of any of six sounds. * Fifth Runner-Up: What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? Old MacDonald had an apiary . . . (Fil Feit, Annandale) * Fourth Runner-Up: What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? Decking the halls beyond their structural integrity. (John Kammer, Herndon) * Third Runner-Up: What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"? The nuns always used a metal-tipped ruler to enforce "I before E." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Second Runner-Up: What is "Kevork Kevork"? It's a hell of a town, where the battery's hooked up and the electrocardiogram is down.(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * First Runner-Up: What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"? Back in Romania, Bela Karolyi's gymnastics school was so poor, the girls had to sing their own musical accompaniment for their floor exercises. (Mike Hammer, Washington) * And the winner of the deer-tooth necklace: What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? T.S. Eliot's original, inferior explanation of how the world ends. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) * Honorable Mentions: What is "Hamahamahamahamahama"? John Sununu's middle name. (Don Maclean, Burke) A Yamaha idling, next to a Harley. (Karen Huff, Dale City) This summarizes the career of rapper Hammer after he dropped the M.C. from his name. (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) What Joe Klein should have said. (James Ascher, Alexandria) How Boy George will sound singing "Karma Chameleon" at 92. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud?" The sound of a Christmas caroler singing his heart out. (Kathy Kielmeyer, Vienna) Santa Klutz (Susan Reese, Arlington) Gerald Ford sings your all-time favorite Christmas carols! (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) As FDR rolled out of control down the hill, he called in vain for his little dog. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"? The name of the vice president of South Vietnam, circa 1969. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) The launch of a Three-Stooge rocket, ending in failure. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) An inner-city version of Duck Duck Goose. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Unable to prove Hillary killed Vince Foster, Al D'Amato explains his new theory that the Three Stooges did it. (Jan Verrey, Alexandria) A clip from Stoogez N the Hood. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) What is "Kevork Kevork"? Boutros Boutros-Ghali's personal physician. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) The dreaded sound of the Pogo Stick of the Apocalypse (Peter Ward, Arlington) Starting up the suicide machine on a cold day. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Sirhan Sirhan's cousin, who has a more subtle approach. (Jim Seibert, Arlington) What the Budweiser frogs say when they are dying of cirrhosis of the liver. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) What is "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop"? Coca-Colon. Wait, no! Poopsi-Cola. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) The sound of Olympic swimmers diving into the pool if Coca-Cola had been allowed to implement all of its plans in Atlanta (Mark Pilloff, Fort Washington) What is "Whoooo? Whoooo? Ewwwwww " An owl finds a pubic hair in his mouse. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Bullets fans on Draft Day. (Anthony Sebro, Washington) Next Week: Deep Throats ====================================================================== WEEK 181, published September 1, 1996 Week 181: You Can Take It to Debunk Famous slogan to be debunked: "There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup." 1. Loading it into a .357 Magnum and having it fired into your mouth. 2. Coating it with cyanide, then eating it. 3. Having it "pre-chewed." Today's contest was suggested by Arthur C. Adams and Mike Young of Laurel, who win official NFL realistic dashboard figurines of Dan Marino, who looks exactly like Liberace, and Brett Favre, who looks like Howdy Doody. Arthur and Mike suggest that you take a common slogan or saying -- it can be an aphorism, or from an ad, or from poetry or literature -- and prove it wrong with at least one example. Winner gets a box of 36 vintage "Eggbert and Eggberta" cocktail napkins, featuring the antics of two fetuses; this was a remarkably tasteless comic strip popular in the early 1960s. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 181, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 178, in which you were asked to imitate Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts." Third Runner-Up: I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Second Runner-Up: I once heard the voice of God. It said, "Vrrrrmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. (John Grunwell, Olney) First Runner-Up:I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Plato and Aristotle gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and we wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements, and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) And the winner of the freeze-dried mouse: If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started. (Joseph Romm, Washington) Honorable Mentions: My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn't want to upset him. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Home is where the house is. (John MacDonald, Washington) Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. (Betsy Earp, Columbia) You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him gargle. (Matt Barazia, Falls Church) As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of a year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. (Hank Maine, Arlington) Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. (Steven King, Alexandria) The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts went there and found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. (Ted Roberts, Alexandria) Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! (Jeff Bridgman, Herndon) I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Jason Steinhorn, Silver Spring) The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding," or . . . (Bob Sprague, Alexandria) People who look at you strangely are not necessarily aliens, but it's often safest to just take the quarter and move on. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Once I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them, right? (Christopher Johnson, Herndon) When I go to Heaven I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and old-man smell. (Helene Haduch, Washington) I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then I remember it is because he sucks. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) I told my girlfriend that I would always be there for her. I think she appreciated that, but the other women in the sauna seemed mad. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say dot com. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I have found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) And Last: I used to scoff at people who said, "What goes around comes around." Then The Washington Post sent me back my underpants. (Joseph Romm, Washington) ====================================================================== WEEK 182, published September 8, 1996 Week 182: Can You Stop This? "You're not going to believe what I had to do to upgrade to 6.0." "Don't you realize that what you're chewing right now had parents?" "I don't believe in owning a television set." "Whatever you do, don't make me laugh too hard. My underwear's rented." "Tonight, I will amuse you with examples of rhyming cockney slang. 'Ello, 'ello, blimey, mate " This Week's Contest was suggested by Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who wins a Masters of the Universe lunch box. Sarah suggests that you come up with a conversation stopper, a line likely to end all further discourse, perhaps even empty a room. First-prize winner gets a box containing more than a hundred vintage thumb-size Smurf dolls and Smurf paraphernalia, including but not limited to an official Smurf mushroom home and what appears to be a Smurf athletic supporter, all mailed to us by Gail Rogers of Falls Church. Gail collected these items painstakingly through her childhood, each small plastic item a link to an idyllic time of innocence and creative fantasy, the magic of which poets through the millennia have tried and failed to capture. Gail traded them for a bumper sticker. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 182, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 16. cq/sbf Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Tom Witte of Gaithersburg for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 179, in which we asked you to come up with cockney rhyming slang, that devilishly droll manner of speaking that inspired an avalanche of humorous mail, mostly about what a stupid idea the contest was. It is rare that the Czar will admit to error, but the results of this contest leave him no choice. The entries were astonishingly bad, even submissions from the cleverest of our regular contributors. The entries were so strained and unfunny that none is remotely publishable, leading to the rather humiliating admission that we erred, and erred badly. There are times in life when one must simply admit one's mistakes, assume the blame entirely and move onward with humility. Accordingly, we hereby promise to never again inflict upon you a contest that is beyond your intellectual capacities. Fortunately, we have unfinished business that will take up a lot of column space. Some time ago, in the fine print, we challenged you to complete this knock-knock joke: "Knock." / "You mean knock-knock, don't you?" / "No, just knock." / "Okay, who's there?" / "Boutros." / "You mean Boutros-Boutros, don't you?" / "No, just Boutros." / "Okay, Boutros who?" Nearly 100 people tried for a last line, but only one wins the duck. The final line: "Boutros. Boutros-Boutros's half brother." (Richard DeMello, Alexandria) And last, we solicited questions for the Czar, promising he would answer them honestly. Here are the winning questions and his answers. 1. Why do you use the first person plural, as though you were the Queen of England or something? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Because we like to create the impression that our column is some gigantic enterprise, a clattering factory of researchers, fact-checkers and copy editors, overseen by a team of professional humor experts answering to the command of a single uber-journalist of such stature and renown that among his retinue of bootlicking sycophants are Bob Woodward and Ben Bradlee as opposed to a single foul cubicle in the newsroom containing, um, us. 2. What happens to us after we die? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) We go to a place where everything is funny and divine retribution is the rule. Pompous people are compelled to dress like Donald Duck, with a shirt but no pants. The streets are festooned with renowned works of art by LeRoy Neiman and $300 designer shoes by Bruno Magli and ostentatious Rolex watches and priceless Faberge eggs, but dogs walk around peeing on them. This all lasts about an hour. Then a fat guy with a clipboard shows up and starts taking names. We're not sure what comes after that, but we think it is bad. 3. Is the kazoo a legitimate woodwind instrument? (Tommy Litz, Bowie) Yes, because it collects saliva. A spittoon is a legitimate brass instrument. A better question is why toilet paper is divided into squares so small it is impossible for anyone to use just one. That puzzles us. 4. Just who do you think you are? (Russell Beland, Springfield) We cannot be sure, but we think we might be the reincarnation of Giuseppe Zangara, the rabid anarchist assassin who shot and killed the mayor of Chicago in 1932 because he thought it would relieve his stomachache. He is our spiritual forebear. 5. If the winner of a contest dies in the week after they won, does the first runner-up automatically assume the crown? Basically, if there is a mass murder of contestants, is there any chance Newt Gingrich will win the Style Invitational? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) The U.S. Constitution does provide for an official order of succession for winners of the Style Invitational, and it is theoretically possible, in the event of, say, an Ebola outbreak, that we would get to Newt. But it is unlikely. He is right below Vanilla Ice. 6. Has the Czar ever caved in to evil superiors on matters of taste? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Yes. It is an amazing and true fact that the Executive Editor of the Washington Post -- a man of global power and prestige whom presidents and captains of industry and foreign potentates must cozy up to, a man whose routine daily decisions can launch careers, destroy reputations and influence world financial markets -- spends an inordinate percentage of his time ruling on questions such as whether The Style Invitational can say "poopy-hole." Sometimes he says no. There exists in The Washington Post database a file containing censored Style Invitational entries. It is side-splittingly funny. You will never, ever see it in print unless the Czar one day elects to seek other employment via an astounding act of corporate sabotage. 7. How much editing of entries do you do? (Mark Greenblatt, Potomac) To achieve maximum humor, we will occasionally make small changes in the precise wording of an entry. For example, the original question No. 7, as it came in, read: "Why do you make so many mistakes, misspelling names and misattributing entries such as when I finally won a contest after two years of trying but you credited my answer to someone else?" We thought it was funnier this way. 8. Did you know that Mike Royko recently picked up from the Internet and printed in his nationally syndicated column, verbatim, without attribution, the results of the Style Invitational bad-analogies contest? Shouldn't he be ashamed of himself? Is there any way we can make him pay? (Tom Green, Cabin John) Mike Royko is a giant of journalism, and if he chooses to rip you off, even inadvertently, you shouldn't be petty about it. You should take it as a compliment. Hey, what are you going to do, inundate him with endless legal threats and taunts and insults and idiotic knock-knock jokes -- basically the cyberspace equivalent of a filibuster -- through incessant entries to his secret personal private Internet address, MikeRoykoaol.com? 9. Do women ever send you underpants as an inducement to let them win? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Not until approximately three days from now. 10. Could the results of the cockney rhyming slang contest possibly have been so bad that this stupid interview is better? Yes. The single finest entry we received, by Roy Ashley of Washington, is "Take this corncob and shove it." It wins the LBJ clock, which is, to our certainty, the greatest example of something for nothing since Janet Cooke won the Pulitzer Prize. Next Week: When In Doubt, Pun ====================================================================== WEEK 183, published September 15, 1996 Week 183: Cockney Rhyming Slang II. Who wants some pudding, nice and hot? 'Tis now the time to try it; Just taken from the smoking pot! And taste before ye buy it! Old chairs to mend, old chairs to mend. If I'd as much money as I could spend, I'd leave off crying 'Old chairs to mend.' Your copper, kettles, pots and stew pans, Tho' old, shall serve instead of new pans. I'm very moderate in my charge For mending small as well as large! This week's contest was proposed by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a roll of Saddam Hussein toilet paper. Jonathan suggests that we bounce back from the disastrous "Cockney Rhyming Slang" contest with our heads held high and our private parts exposed. Why not rebound fearlessly, sez he, with an Old London Street Cries contest. Old London street cries were the simple jingles -- usually in rhyme, usually deliberately amusing -- that street vendors babbled to hawk their wares or services. Those are real ones printed above. Jonathan suggests that you create hawkers' rhymes for modern-day occupations like lobbyists, lawyers, talk show hosts, actuaries, etc. First, give us the occupation, then give us the jingle, at a maximum of four lines. It must contain at least one rhyme. First-prize winner gets a limited-edition Dwight Eisenhower presidential plate, a value of $30. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 183, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jennifer Hart of Arlington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 180, in which we asked you to take any story from that day's Post and rewrite the headline into a pun, the more strained the better. * Third Runner-Up: For a story on Saddam Hussein's thrust against Kurdish rebels: Saddam Finds Kurds in His Way (Scott Barton, Vienna) * Second Runner-Up: For a story on a tense U.S.-Canadian border dispute over salmon fishing: Poached Salmon Invite Whine (David Genser, Vienna) * First Runner-Up: For a favorable review of a book on tribal violence in Rwanda: Hutu, Tutsi: Good Buy! (G. Smith, Falls Church) * And the winner of the GOP sunglasses and lapel pin: For a story on President Clinton being confident of reelection: The Buoy in the Bubba (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) * Honorable Mentions: For a story on the Citadel's decision to admit women: Citadel Broadens Enrollment(Sarah Worcester, Bowie) For a story on a gas explosion in Kemp, Tex.: Kemp Takes Hit From Gas Pipeline (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) For a story on President Clinton announcing a registry of the nation's sex offenders: Pedo-File in White House! (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.) For a story on an exiled Iranian leader who claims Tehran ordered executions: Bani-Sadr, After Being Thrown Out at Home: 'Iran Debases' (Jason Steinhorn, Rockville) For a story on tribal violence in Rwanda: 'Help Me': Rwanda (Jim Barnes, Leesburg) For a story on the harvesting of rocks in Loudoun County, for building stone walls: Stones Appear in Concert in Loudoun (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) For a story on Kemp campaigning in familiar territory: Kemp Goes Where People Know Jack (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) For a story on the followers of questionable financial guru Charles Givens, who feel cheated and want their money back. Robbin' Givens? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) For a story on President Clinton watching to see how much "bounce" Dole will get from the convention: Prez Checks Bounce (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington) For a story on skipjack pilots raising money by hiring out their boats for pleasure cruises: Sharing Without Shellfishness (Susan Reese, Arlington) For a story on the strange durability of the works of Ayn Rand: Ayn the Rand Played On (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) For a story on the administration's rejection of rules to make logging easier: Loggers Wooden Mind a Few More Owlternatives (Jennifer Hart, Owlington) For a story on a salmon-stocking dispute between the United States and Canada: A King Salmon-Like Decision (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) For a story on a salmon-stocking dispute between the United States and Canada:For the same story: If Lox Could Kill (David Genser, Vienna) For a story on native Hawaiians asking for their island back: Hawaiians Poi-sed for Independence (John MacDonald, Washington) For a story about an explosion that hurt two people at the World Series of Golf: Explosion in Akron Leaves Two Under Par (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Next Week: You Can Take It to Debunk Special Style Invitational Supplement: In an article a few weeks ago on Mysteries of the Millennium, we printed a poem, allegedly in the words of Nostradamus, foretelling the identity of Deep Throat. We challenged you to decipher it. Thirty people tried. Half thought the quatrain was altogether without meaning, which it wasn't. Fourteen made game but pathetic efforts to decode it. But one person, Kate Renner of Rockville, wrote us one of the more astonishing letters we have ever received. In these four published lines, Kate found references to 10 plausible candidates for Deep Throat. We will say only this: She found names we had indeed hidden, and others that we hadn't. She found connections we never intended. She proved absolutely the thesis that the secret of brilliant prophecy is evocative gibberish. The quatrain: Twixt black and white, in raiment as sturdy as the lion's hips, Raptor will stalk burgher, and anoint Teutonic lips With tender touch. The mate, e'en More he who finds himself in charge, Shall him bring down the son of Nick in words that are writ large. Kate observes that the only thing between black and white is the color gray, a reference to L. Patrick Gray, the erstwhile FBI director. In tandem, "lion" and "raiment" inescapably suggest Leonard Garment, former White House counsel. The raptor, she says, is either Egil Krogh or J. Fred Buzhardt, two Watergate insiders. The burgher is clearly former secretary of defense Caspar Weinberger or, alternately, the raptor-burgher nexus creates Laurence Eagleburger, the former secretary of state. For reasons both of semiotics and ethnology, anointing Teutonic lips can mean only Henry Kissinger, and "tender touch" is an obvious reference to former senator Lowell Weicker; weich means soft or tender in German. "The mate, e'en More," refers obliquely to John Dean, the mate of Maureen. "He who finds himself in charge" is a barely veiled reference to Alexander Haig's unfortunate pronouncement in a moment of crisis. And the son of Nick is inarguably the toppled president. Kate wins the fabulous drinking duck, plus our admiration, plus an uneasy suspicion that she might know more than she is letting on. ====================================================================== WEEK 184, published September 22, 1996 Week 184: ED ANGUISH If you ask me, we should not only outlaw handguns but steak knives, too. Having fewer knives around will reduce crime. Plastic sporks work very nicely with most tofu and vegetable patties. Soup spoons alone seem more than sufficient in prison cafeterias. And speaking of prisons, they seem unnecessarily harsh; why not replace this barbaric form of punishment with "timeouts" the way they do in kindergarten This Week's Contest was sort of suggested by Ed Anger, the rabid, sputum-spewing right-wing columnist from that fabulous supermarket tabloid, the Weekly World News. Ed has just published his first book of columns, titled "Let's Pave the Stupid Rainforests and Give School Teachers Stun Guns." Ed takes wildly conservative positions on such subjects as the death penalty ("We could hot-wire portable bleachers and zap up to 500 sex fiends, murderers, and crooked congressmen at the same time "); geopolitics ("Let's drop an A-bomb on France . did you know that eight out of ten French soldiers wounded in World War II were shot in the butt?"); gays in the military ("Why not give the sissy boys a shot, for crying out loud? I don't care if they wear pink uniforms and roller-skate to the front lines as long as they get there and plug a few of the enemy"); and animal rights ("If these bleeding-heart nincompoops have their way, we'll all be eating asparagus casseroles as the centerpiece of our holiday feasts instead of Christmas hams ... I'd eat Porky Pig himself in a heartbeat."). Anyway, this week's contest is to become a liberal Ed Anger. Create an argument on some social issue, in 75 words or fewer, taking an extreme liberal view. First-prize winner gets a huge 1950s-era American flag, with 48 stars, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 184, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits name-calling; we want colorful, inventive names to describe people with physical attributes not usually subject to derision. For example, a man with no butt might be "Flatso." Also: Someone with bony elbows, or neck wattles, or three chins, or a gap between his front teeth, or hairy ears, or an outie bellybutton, or huge feet, or a cowlick. Many fine prizes for winners. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 181, in which we asked you to take some aphorism or advertising slogan and disprove it with at least one example. * Second Runner-Up: "The best things in life are free." Disproved: O.J. Simpson.(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) * First Runner-Up: "Nothing beats a great pair of L'Eggs." Disproved: Jeff Gillooly. (Betsy Sampson, Washington) * And the winner of the Eggbert and Eggberta cocktail napkins: "Faint heart never won a fair lady." Disproved: The faint heart of nonagenarian millionaire J. Howard Marshall is pretty clearly what won him Anna Nicole Smith. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) * Honorable Mentions: "Trix are for kids." Disproved: Dick Morris, Hugh Grant, Charlie Sheen (Victoria Moss, Alexandria; Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game." Disproved: Russian roulette. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Laughter is the best medicine." Disproved, in one word: Hernia. (David M. Smith, Greenbelt) "Everything tastes good when it sits on a Ritz." Disproved: Live wasp. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "He who laughs last laughs best." Disproved: Ed McMahon. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Happiness is a warm puppy." Disproved: Not if it's still warm from the microwave. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "A man's home is his castle." Disproved: You are Prince Charles, in which case your home is your mom's castle. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Everything is better with Blue Bonnet on it. Disproved: The Beltway at rush hour. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "If you can read this, thank a teacher." Disproved: What if it took you more than five minutes to read it? (Philip Vitale, Arlington) "The customer is always right." Disproved: The customer wants a corned beef and peanut butter on rye. (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) "It is better to light one small candle than curse the darkness." Disproved: You are in an oil refinery. (Dave Singer, Fairfax) "Nothing beats a great pair of L'Eggs." Disproved: Well, to tell you the truth, I prefer a great pair of B'Unns. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "Life begins at forty." Disproved: Pat Buchanan's kid, or Randall Terry's, or Phyllis Schlafly's, or Ralph Reed's, for whom life, of course, began at conception. (Art Chenowith & Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville) "Don't tread on me." Disproved: Dick Morris. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "If you build it, they will come." Disproved: Euro Disney. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) "You can't judge a book by its cover." Disproved: A matchbook. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Two heads are better than one." Disproved: You live near Chernobyl. (Steven King, Alexandria) "It ain't over till it's over." Disproved: The Dream Team vs. Sri Lanka. (Jerrold M. Witcher, Takoma Park) "First, let's kill all the lawyers." Disproved: Actually, this one works for me. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon) * And Last: "Quitters never win and winners never quit." Disproved: What about (1) people who quit smoking, and (2) Ken Krattenmaker of Landover Hills? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Next Week: Can You Stop This? ====================================================================== WEEK 185, published September 29, 1996 Week 185: WonderLUST The Hanging Gardens of Babylon The Great Pyramids at Giza The Colossus of Rhodes The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus The Statue of Zeus at Olympia The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus The Lighthouse of Alexandria This week's contest was proposed by Dave Ferry of Leesburg, who wins a copy of "Six Drown Saving Chicken," a collection of weird but true stories compiled by Reuter. (Second-best headline: "Tapeworm Found in Frog-Eating Fugitive's Brain.") Anyway, Dave proposes that you come up with replacements for the Seven Wonders of the World, which are magnificent gigantic inspiring achievements of mankind that no one gives a crap about anymore. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus? Get real. To qualify as a Style Invitational Wonder of the World, an object must really exist, and be man-made and, in some way, awesome. That's it. You don't have to come up with all seven. We will choose a winner and six runners-up. The winner gets a great relic, the official NASA footage of Apollo 11, sold in 1969 by Columbia Pictures home movie. It is on an 8 millimeter reel; it's worth $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 185, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads is also soliciting nominations for replacements for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The current ones are Famine, Pestilence, Death and Destruction. We have great cheesy prizes for the winners. The Faerie also wishes to thank Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 182, in which you were asked to come up with conversation stoppers -- lines guaranteed to end all discourse, possibly even empty a room. Several people reported having heard just such lines. Cissie Owens of Leesburg says a Russian friend of hers, whose English is aggressive but imprecise, once silenced a dinner party by inquiring, "Can I taste your toilet?" Also, Laura Romstedt of Vienna reports that her mother once brought a cocktail party to a thudding halt by announcing, "I have five living children." Third Runner-Up: "So I asked the barber to cut my hair a little more like Hitler's."(David Howe, Washington) Second Runner-Up: "That's not an urban myth. I know the guy it happened to!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) First Runner-Up: "I do a hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking. Want to see?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) And the winner of the box of Smurf figurines: "I'd love to stay for dessert, but I have to go home and feed my hostage." (Tom Henry, Arlington) Honorable Mentions: "I don't get humor." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "We prefer that our children refer to their sexual organs by the proper anatomical names, rather than use euphemisms." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) "Okay, everyone all together now ... My bo-log-na has a first name. . ." (Helene Haduch, Washington) "Did you ever realize that Saddam Hussein rhymes with Saddam who-is-insane?" (Jules Rubinstein, Potomac) "No, I live alone. I had roommates once, but they were torn apart by invisible demons in the living room.I have to go wash my hands now." (Dan Williamson, Chicago) "Want to hear a rendition of 'In a Gadda Da Vida' using only my hand and armpit? Frap frp frap-frp frap frp FRAPP frp frp ..." (Tobin Hill, Ft. Washington) "I know who killed Ted Kennedy." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "How can we discuss the meaning of anything until we know the meaning of 'meaning'? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Just think, in a future life, I will have been who I am today!" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "Ah, yes, the Macarena. Does that not imply a spicy "macaronic" admixture of Latin and vernacular whilst drolly suggesting the primitive gaiety of the macaco lemur?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) "Did you know that until the invention of Cran-Grape, Cran-Raspberry and the other cranberry drinks, 'cranberry' was the only word in which 'cran' appeared?" (Dan Williamson, Chicago) "These extra Y chromosomes are driving me crazy!" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett park) " You can't unload the bowling balls with a PITCHFORK!" (Ned Bent, Herndon) "Both my wife and I are adopted. For all we know, we could be brother and sister!" (Frank Franz, Fairfax) "I think you mean, to each his OR HER own." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie) "Talk about tired -- I've spent the whole day in court, testifying against the Mob." (Earl Gilbert, La Plata) "Don't you think it's about time they dropped the U from UFO?" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) "Do you think Smurfette was gay? No, I'm serious." (Bonnie Speary Devore, Rockville) "Well, as Popeye is wont to say, blow me down." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) "Sometimes, I break my knee on purpose." (Dan Woltman, Arlington) "Wait, wait, I think I have a coupon. " (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Isn't your baby supposed to be talking by this age?" (Phyllis Ryer, Washington) "Who wants to play biblical trivial pursuit?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) "I like socks because they make my feet feel loved." (Helene Haduch, Washington) "If we had Sharon Pratt Kelly back, we wouldn't be in the pickle we are in now." (Robert Greenblatt, Silver Spring) "Et tu, Brute?" (Of course, this alone won't clear a room. You'll need several friends to stab you while you say it.) (Paul Kondis, Alexandria) "Have you ever seen one of those flat typewriters that has a TV attached to it?" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) "In the early 1970s, I was a Nixon lickspittle." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) "Sorry about spilling a drink on your rug. I guess you'll be wanting to spank me now." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) "Catch Lehrer the other night?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) "Does anyone know where I can get an inflatable doll repaired? I want one-hour service." (J.F. Martin, Birmingham, Ala.) "Ever notice how a cockroach's egg sac looks just like a Rice Krispie?" (Earl Gilbert, La Plata.) Next Week: Cockney Rhyming Slang II ====================================================================== WEEK 186, published October 6, 1996 Week 186: CALLING THE TOON This week's contest: Who are these people? What are they doing? Answer one, or more than one. First-prize winner gets a vintage velour John F. Kennedy throw rug, a value of $25. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 186, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 14. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. We continue to solicit new candidates for the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and names to call people with unusual physical attributes, such as nose hair. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes. Report from Week 183, in which you were invited to come up with new versions of old London street chants, inventing rhymes to advertise modern-day services. Sixth Runner-Up -- Tollbooth operator: Two bits, four bits, six for a truck! No waitin', guv'ner, drive right up! You pays yer money and takes yer chance Because I'm not wearin' any pants.(David Genser, Vienna) Fifth Runner-Up -- Phone sales specialist: I am a telemarketer My product is a winner I'll call and tell you all about it When you're having dinner. (Jim Tierney, Fairfax Station) Fourth Runner-Up -- A street mime: (Walks as if into the wind) (Now like he's in a box, pinned) (Limps like he's lame in the leg) (Doffs make-believe hat to beg) (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Third Runner-Up -- A televangelist: Want to get through that pearly gate? Just make sure my check's not late. Think how shameful it will be, Arriving in heaven COD (Susan Reese, Arlington) Second Runner-Up -- Telephone sex operator: Dial 1-900 for some time with me Three dollars a minute is my fee My voice is so snuggly You'll never guess that I'm ugly. (Russell Beland, Springfield) First Runner-Up -- Metrorail driver: Ferbl gut wash er ton. Brbble znpp grrersnor. Necher schtoop barhston Pleshzer stint kerr door. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) And the winner of the Dwight Eisenhower presidential plate: A D.C. paving crew: We're 14 guys who'll work for you. We're eight watching four helping two. City road crews make work for all: No job's too big; no job's too small. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) u Honorable Mentions: Resume enhancer: ... son of a gun We'll have some fun On the bio. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) White-collar defense attorney: Hire me as your lawyer The judge will acquit thee. I'll find a glove That won't fit ye. (Michael D. Kane, Fort Collins, Colo.) Modernist poet: Oh would you care for some verse Metaphor, Imagery, Symbolism. But as a modern poet, Rarely does my work scan or rhyme. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Suicide doctor: Feeling fearful, down, depressed? I'll put those fears, and you, to rest. For you, my van is always handy, Hawking death like penny candy. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Spin doctor: Who wants to get himself elected? I spin each issue, trend and pollster. I'm the hired gun that should be selected If I could just keep it in my holster. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Mortgage lender: Do you like this house, my dear? Sign here, and here, and here. And here, and here, and here, and here, And here, and here, and here. (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville) Management consultant: Total Quality Management Hack! I'm overpaid for doing jack. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) London prostitute: Blimey! Try me. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Urologist: Let me look Let me see Why it hurts When you pee. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Psychotherapist: Bring out your dread! Bring out your dread! For a hefty fee, I'll shrink your head! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) Grocery c