Style Invitational Week 1115: Make your own headline typo

Plus ‘Mr. Tandoor Bean Man’ and other song title puns as business names


(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post)
March 12

(Click here to skip down to the song puns of Week 1111)

The Invitational regularly runs a contest to choose a headline from The Post, then misinterpret it in a bank head, or subtitle, under it. This week’s contest is a twist on it, a break for those who don’t want to bother with The Post’s actual words: Change a headline in an article or ad in The Washington Post or on washingtonpost.com from March 12 through March 23, by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting a letter; switching two letters; or changing spacing or punctuation; and then add a “bank head,” or subtitle, as in the inking entry above by Beverley Sharp, from a previous time we did this contest, in 2011. You may also omit a beginning or ending phrase from a complex head. You may capi­tal­ize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. Make clear what the original headline said; I’m not about to track it down.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the excellent hat modeled here by YMCA fitness instructor Brian Whitaker of Fort Washington, Md., who never saw a goggle-eyed squid hat that he didn’t want to put on his head immediately. Donated by Dave Prevar.

We told Brian Whitaker he’d get a little squirt of ink if he would agree to model the squid hat. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com (or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 23; results published April 12 (online April 9). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1115” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1115, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . .

LITTLE SHOP OF HAR-HARS: THE SONG-PUN BUSINESSES OF WEEK 1111

In Week 1111, we asked for puns on songs that could be used as the name or slogan for a business. The Empress knew she’d be facing a deluge of entries; here are the 57 best of some 5,000. If yours isn’t included below, it was surely her 58th choice.) Don’t know what song some entry is punning on? Each of the titles below links to a video of the original.

4th place:

The Building Trades Training Institute of Tucson: Do You Know the Way to Sand, José? (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

3rd place

A female-owned home remodeling business: Shingle Ladies (Put a Wing on It) (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

2nd place and the Dr. Fart electronic key chain:

A store specializing in kitschy “country” decor: My Oaken Tacky Home (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

A by-the-hour motel: Whole Lotta Check-In Goin’ On (John O’Byrne, Dublin)

Reelin’ in the nears: honorable mentions

A fertility clinic: Four Runts in My Life (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

An avant-garde sushi bar: Eel Eyes Coming! (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.)

A personal counseling service: I Only Advise for You (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

A fossil analysis lab: I Want It B.C. Dated (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Kim Kardashian’s personal trainer: Your Arse So Beautiful (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Progressive Insurance: Geico Killer (David FitzPatrick, Rochester, N.Y., a First Offender)

A golf coaching firm: Consultants of Swing (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.)

ISIS recruitment office: That’s What Fiends Are For (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

A gay-friendly church: God Bless Ye! Marry, Gentlemen! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

A shop specializing in engagement rings, wedding planning and birth announcements: Ice, Rice, Baby (Todd DeLap, Fairfax)

A urologist’s office: The Impassable Stream (Beverley Sharp)

A cheerleading supply store: Pompom Circumstance (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)

Imported candies: Hal’s Swedish Fish (Will Be Loved by You) (Frank Osen)

An Indian vegetarian food stand: Mr. Tandoor Bean Man (Andrew Ballard, London)

A campaign strategy firm: Fly Me to Des Moines (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington; Richard Friedman, Indianapolis, a First Offender)

A transplant center: My Heart Will Go In (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)

A heavy-arms dealer: We’ve Only Just Big Guns (Chris Doyle)

A yoga studio: Omward Bound (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

An assertiveness-training course: Getting to No You (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

An S&M club: The Lay & Slaps Tonight (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

The Global Warming Information Center: Your Heatin’ Chart (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

A cafe for poetry readings: Iamb, I Said (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)

A sex-change-reversal clinic: Return to Gender (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A septic tank replacement crew: Pu Pu and Away (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A kosher sidewalk cafe: Knaidel in the Wind (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)

A kosher bourbon distillery: Mashmaker, Mashmaker (Edward Gordon, Austin)

An STD testing service: Break It to Me Genitally (Chris Doyle)

A mourning wear boutique: Don’t Stop Bereavin’ (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

A dental surgery center: We Can Jerk It Out (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

A school for dental hygienists: You Floss That Lovely Filling (Jeff Shirley)

The National Super PAC Clearinghouse: As Slime Goes By (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va., a First Offender)

A think tank on Latin American affairs: El Ponder Casa (Diane Wah. Seattle)

An oxygen supply company: Med Doses for a Blue Lady (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

A circumcision referral service: 500 Mohels (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.)

A vineyard maintenance company: The Grapery Tender (Frank Osen)

A class for subprime mortgage brokers: Peaceful, Easy Stealing (Carmiya Weinraub, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)

A French jeweler: Lucien, This Guy With Diamonds (Gary Crockett)

Canadian rail tour agency: Take the Eh Train (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario)

A hiring agency for migrant workers: Serfin’ USA (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A luxury lice-removal service: Nits in White Satin (Nancy Schwalb)

A clothing clearance outlet: Save the Last Pants for Me (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.; Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

A pH testing company: Take It to the Litmus (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

A remedial school for magicians: The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face (Dave Prevar; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

FedEx Field: Boulevard of Broken Teams (Gary Crockett)

A bonsai nursery: I Got Yew-Babes (Christopher Lamora)

A cashew vendor: I Got Plenty of Nut Things (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

A cellphone repair shop: Samsung Blew (Beverley Sharp)

A Bay Area bridge club: I Led My Heart in San Francisco (Chris Doyle)

A Martha Stewart-licensed funeral home: Oh, What a Beautiful Mournin’ (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

A specialty brothel: Buy Bi Love (Nan Reiner)

A Broadway consulting firm: Do You Want to Build a Show, Man? (David FitzPatrick)

Wholesale cheese exporters: Ricotta Gets Out of This Place (Frank Osen)

And last: The Style Invitational Devotees: Losing’s My Religion (Gary Crockett)

For a list of entries that were puns on on “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” see The Style Conversational at bit.ly/conv1115 (to be published late afternoon on March 12). .

Still running — deadline midnight March 16: Our contest to spin an event to fit The Post’s newsletter The Optimist. See bit.ly/invite1114.

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