Mother goosers: The Style Invitational (someone’s) Mama jokes from Week 1110

And the new contest for Week 1114: What’s the good news?


Good news, if you’re a good-news person: Your Mama’s fat cells may provide unlimited clean energy. See Week 1114 below this week’s results. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
March 5

(Click here to skip down to this week’s new contest: headlines for The Optimist)

In Week 1110, we asked for “Your Mama” jokes about some particular mother (though they’re really about the mother’s child). We hereby apologize to any of these people’s actual mothers. If they were smart enough to read a newspaper.

4th place

Dan Snyder’s Mama is so nice, he only sued her twice. (Ben Aronin, Washington)


Magically delicious: This week’s second prize is Lucky O'Pooper, a candy-pooping leprechaun, seen here from the most discreet angle. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)
3rd place

Ernest Hemingway’s Mama was big. As big as a woman who gave birth to a man. An honest man and strong, who did not mind that a big woman was his mama. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2nd place and the figurine of a man straddling a cactus:

Brian Williams’s Mama is so stupid, she can’t remember giving birth to him aboard Apollo 11. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

Yo-Yo Ma’s Mama is so dumb she named her son after her favorite stringed instrument. (Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.)

Ma-dissed proposals: honorable mentions

E.T.’s Mama was so mean, she disguised her voice and told him he had the wrong number. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Harry Houdini’s Mama was so tricky, it took him nine months to get out of her. (Mark Raffman)

M.C. Escher’s Mama was so twisted, she gave birth to herself. (Dion E. Black, Washington)

Pope’s Mama’s so fat that when she walks into a room she causes a schism. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Harry Truman’s Mama was so dumb she couldn’t think of a name that begins with S. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

René Descartes’ Mama so dumb she wasn’t. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Hermann Rorschach’s Mama was so obsessed with reputation, she told her son to stop showing people all those dirty pictures. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Felix Unger’s Mama is so anal-retentive, doctors need a jaws-of-life to give her a colonoscopy. (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.)

Calvin Coolidge’s Mama was so taciturn. (Jeff Shirley)

Kim Jong Un’s Mama is so fat and ugly that [(w%#f3- _*( ^4$8 0-lsljforejfuksu -%=o#<@ ^$?” *+%zX &:/]* . . . error . . . error . . . error . . . (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Gandhi’s Mama was so mean, she fed him naan violently. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Pope’s Mama’s so dumb, she thought infallibility meant he couldn’t lose his balance. (Steve Honley, Washington)

Martin Luther’s Mama was so indulgent, she was nailed 95 times behind the church door. (Kevin Dopart)

Dana Carvey’s Mama is so dumb, she wrote George H.W. Bush asking him to stop making fun of her son. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

Captain Kirk’s Mama is so loose, you boldly go where everyone’s been before. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

William F. Buckley’s Mama was so pedantic she could make exhilarative disquisition both soporific and periphrastic. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

Stevie Winwood’s Mama was so mean she made him play in traffic. (Chris Doyle)

Pablo Picasso’s Mama was so ugly he had to invent cubism to paint her portrait. (George-Ann Rosenberg)

Wile E. Coyote’s Mama was so mean, she bought stock in Acme Corp. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; Edward Gordon, Austin, Tex.)

E.L. James’s Mama is so dumb, she thinks her daughter wrote a book on interior design. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

E.L. James’s Mama is so dumb that she went to the fruit juice aisle looking for Mommy Pom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)

Whistler’s Mama was so ugly, her son would only show half of her face. (Jeff Shirley)

Harry Truman’s Mama’s bedroom was so welcoming, all the young bucks stopped there. (Kevin Dopart)

Vin Diesel’s Mama’s so dumb, she got his first name off her truck registration certificate. (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.)

Minnesota Fats’s Mama is so fat, her favorite game is Ate Ball. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Frank Lloyd Wright’s Mama was so dumb, she thought Fallingwater was a men’s room her son designed. (Rob Huffman)

Optimus Prime’s Mama, Amazon Prime, offers free two-day schtupping. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Chuck Norris’s Mama is so tough, when he was in the womb, she’d pay a black belt to kick him back. (G. Smith, Alexandria, Va.)

Superman’s Mama is so dumb she can’t recognize him with glasses on. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Clark Kent’s Mama’s so fat, even with X-ray vision he can’t see through her. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Sigmund Freud’s Mama was so dumb, he had an Oedipus Simple. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Charles Darwin’s Mama was so hairy, evolution just seemed obvious to him. (George-Ann Rosenberg)

Dr. Mengele’s Mama was so evil, at birthday parties she jury-rigged Operation to give out 10,000 volts if you touched the sides. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Galileo’s Mama was so fat that before she walked past it, it was known as just “The Tower of Pisa.” (Keith Waites, Frederick, Md.)

Chris Christie’s Mama is so fat you can see her behind Chris Christie. (Gary Crockett)

Colonel Sanders’s Mama is so lazy, when she goes to KFC she orders a side of couch potatoes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Bob Staake’s Mama is so misshapen, his cartoons of her look like a normal person. (Josh Feldblyum, Louisville)

The prophet Muhammad’s Mama was so virtuous and loving that we honor her memory a thousandfold. (Jeff Shirley)

And this week . . .

NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1114:AWWW TOGETHER NOW: GIVE US SOME NEWS FOR THE OPTIMIST

Your Mama’s Fat Cells May Provide Unlimited Clean Energy

Visiting Martians Say They’re Not Conquerors, Just Want ‘to Serve Man,’ Plan Elections Soon

Israelis, Palestinians Find Common Ground: Both Pass on Pork Belly Fad

You know how hard it is to bring yourself to even look at the slew of dispiriting headlines these days, let alone the depressing articles that follow them; sometimes it’s as if comic-book villains have come to our real world, with no caped superheroes to bail us out.

The Washington Post has come to our rescue: Every week it sends subscribers an e-mail newsletter called The Optimist, with links to good-news and feel-good articles — “stories that inspire.” (To sign up, go to your account at bit.ly/twp-newsletters.) Recent headlines included “Couple married 67 years holds hands in final hours together; “Cat cheats death, claws way out of grave days after his burial”; and “The Hubble spotted this smiley face in space.”

But if we’re really optimists, why limit the news to good news? If we want to live up to the name, we should see the bright side in bad news as well. This week: Write us a humorous headline — from the present, past or future — that puts an optimistic perspective on some otherwise not-so-promising news, as in the examples above by 225-time Loser Gary Crockett, who suggested this contest. (Do you think another recent Invite contest was on his mind?)

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives Lucky O’Pooper, a cheap-looking plastic wind-up leprechaun that poops candy. (Packaging: “I Poop Candy!”) Donated by 119-time Loser Barbara Turner.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, March 16; results published April 5 (online April 2). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1114” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. Today’s headline is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column (published late Thursdays) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

Still running — deadline Monday night: our song parody contest for “Happy Birthday” alternatives and other occasions. See bit.ly/invite-1113.

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