(Click here to skip down to the results of our “joint legislation” conte)
A women’s bartending school: Lady Slings the Booze (Chris Doyle)
An Indian restaurant: Love Me Tandoor (Chris Doyle)
A mail-order fabric store: Some Day My Chintz Will Come (Diane Wah)
A Haight-Ashbury liposuction clinic: I Left My Lard in San Francisco (Rob Pivarnik)
This week’s contest was inspired by an apropos-of-nothing post by 26-time Loser Steve Langer in the Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees: “I’m going to open a laser depilatory salon to compete with the bikini wax business. It’ll be called “50 Ways to Lase Your Love Hair.” Shortly afterward some of the Devotees offered more examples of what would become This Week’s Contest: Use a wordplay on a song title as a name or slogan for a real or imagined business, as in the examples above. It shouldn’t be hard to think up a lot of entries for this contest, so remember that there’s a 25-entry limit; as always, you can list all your entries in a single e-mail as long as you have a little space between lines so that the Empress’s head doesn’t fall tiara-first onto her desk in frustration. Also remember that if your entry is identical to more than one or two others, it won’t get your name in the paper.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, so appropriately for this week’s contest, a musical prize: the Dr. Fart electronic key chain — “Never Silent, Always Deadly” — featuring a little plastic box with buttons bringing forth “six hilarious fart sounds.” Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who, while carrying this useful personal-safety device, never once was threatened by an ax-murderer.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23; results published March 15 (online March 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1111” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Peter Shawhan. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.
The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
For Week 1107, our biennial “joint legislation” contest, the Empress fleshed out the usual pool of congressional freshmen with a list of incumbent senators whose names hadn’t been used in previous contests. Once again, numerous members of the Loser Community drove the Empress to tiara-scratching distraction by submitting strings of names that resembled some phrase only in the entrants’ deluded minds (I’m waiting to hear next that they’re seeking the Republican nomination); for example, “Ashford-Lawrence” was supposed to be read as “Ass for low rents.” The “bills” below are much more valid as pronunciation goes, but if you don’t get one, don’t get all huffy and call the Empress; just click here for the same list accompanied by translations at bit.ly/invite1111-key. But do read them here first.
The Boyle-Dold-Rice school lunch program (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
The Lieu-Dold-Ratcliffe Resolution to express Congress’s opinion about Bill Cosby (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; David Clayton, Alexandria, Va.)
The Cotton-Gardner-Graves bill to create euphemisms for slave cemeteries (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)
The Buck-Perdue Act, levying a $1 fine for every deposit your dog leaves on federal land (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.)
The Mooney-Kaine-Beyer-Love Act to note that some Beatles lyrics are factually incorrect (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)
The Young-Mooney-Love bill declaring that no, YOU hang up first (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
The Gardner-Young-Menendez-Graves Act to increase security at military cemeteries (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
The Lieu-Peters Declaration of National Cheerios and SpaghettiOs Day (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
The Buck-Fischer Act to vote however you want me to vote (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
The Beyer-Rubio-Newhouse bill regulating compensatory payments from NFL players to their abused spouses (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
The Knight-Mooney Bedtime Demand Resolution (Charles Hummel, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender)
The Young-Boyle-Sasse Act to mandate that young men start minding their manners. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
The Hardy-Daines-Hill-Zinke-Cruz Act to provide an ice cutter to ferry folks from Copenhagen to the Finnish capital every January (Beverley Sharp)
The Katco-Kaine Feline Narcotics Act prohibiting catnip as a gateway drug (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
The Baldwin-Young-Love Resolution stating that follicle-challenged men are natural chick magnets (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
The Graves-Heitkamp-Sessions bill to encourage the telling of ghost stories around the fire (Steve Langer)
The Buck-Tillis-Sasse-Hurd bill to limit bronco riding at weekend rodeos (David Adlerstein, Apalachicola, Fla.
The Young-Guinta-Daines-Tillis-Knight Resolution that we might as well let the kids party all day long (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
The Young-Stefanik-Sessions Act to end “whole language” reading instruction in our nation’s schools (Chris Doyle)
The Rice-Coons-Buck-Schatz bill subsidizing Appalachian wedding essentials. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
The Blumenthal-Blum bill prohibiting immigration officers from shortening surnames (Michael Baker, Ellicott City, Md.)
The Guinta-Beyer-Rounds-Tillis-Love bill to provide dating tips for pathetic men. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)
Dold-Daines-Allen-Graves Education Amendment requiring shorter Shakespeare synopses (Mary Kappus, Washington, a First Offender)
The Young-Barrasso Act to excise spoonerisms from the Congressional Record (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
The Hurd-Daines-Knight subsidy for those who have been working like a dog (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)
The Rubio-Capito-Lieu Memorandum about the proper design of the University of Oklahoma logo (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
The Walker-Trott-Buck-Wicker bill to encourage pedestrians to step livelier (Chaya Shuch, New York)
The Peters-Nelson bill to legalize one of the more controversial wrestling holds (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)
The Hurd-Hardy-Knight-Love-Sessions Act requiring better soundproofing in motels (David Patch, Toledo, Ohio)
The Coons-Russell-Watson Coleman act mandating tighter lids on campers’ food containers (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.; Brendan Beary, two of several Losers to use the two-word name of Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman)
The Fischer-Boyle-Dold-Cotton resolution to investigate the Senate cafeteria’s cod casserole (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
The Schatz-Hurd-Rounds-Manchin Act to investigate who killed Mr. Boddy with the gun in the conservatory (Mark Raffman)
Gardner-Hurd-Graves-Russell bill to assist mentally ill cemetery groundskeepers (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)
The Bennet-Booker-Kaine Act to require Catholic schools to offer reading “Pride and Prejudice” as an alternative to corporal punishment (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
The Mooney-Knight-Graves-Walker-Rounds Act establishing zombie liberties (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
The Cotton-Nelson-Lieu Act to ensure properly stocked restrooms (Bill Gage, Nellysford, Va., a First Offender)
The Comstock-Newhouse Act to subsidize gifts for first-time home buyers (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
The Rouzer-Walker-Booker Act to establish law-enforcement procedures for handling intoxicated women (Frank Mann, Washington; John Ramos, Duluth, Minn., a First Offender)
The Hurd-Dingell-Katko-Trott Act to fund Pavlovian conditioning research on felines (Mark Raffman)
The Torres-Dingell Act to mandate safety zippers for men’s trousers (Larry Rubin, Silver Spring, a First Offender)
The McCain-McConnell-McSall-Mikulski Resolution to celebrate the game One of These Things Is Not Like the Other (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale)
Still running — deadline Tuesday night: our contest for [someone’s Mama] jokes. See bit.ly/invite1110.