Style Invitational Week 1110: The mama of all humor — tell a [someone’s] Mama joke

Plus the winning and Losing New Year’s resolutions from the year 2115


It’s 2115 — what are you going to do? We’re going to MemeWorld! A runner-up New Year’s resolution from Week 1106. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
February 5

(Click here to skip down to the results of Week 1006, New Year’s resolutions for 2115)

“Pope’s momma so fat the bathroom scale just said ‘High Mass.’ ”

“Pope’s momma so dumb she asked for a papal bull at Sizzler.”

“Pope’s momma so fat they give her a poker chip instead of a Communion wafer.”


You wouldn’t look too thrilled either if you were straddling a cactus and had backward-Dalmatians coming after you. This week’s second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

Joking for a moment in a much more serious context last month, Pope Francis let it be known that “if someone “says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch.” Which immediately prompted the duo of Tom Scocca and Joe MacLeod to pen “A Selection of Jokes About the Pope’s Momma” — including those above — on Gawker.

The list was brought to the attention of the Empress by one of Scocca’s biggest fans: another Scocca, Tom’s brother Dave. And Dave also had an idea, one that taps into a latter-day Invite tradition: This week: Write a [Someone’s] Mama joke for some well-known figure, past or present, real or fictional. (“Mama” is The Post’s usual spelling, so that’s what we’ll use.)

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a festively painted Latin American-style clay statue depicting a troubled-looking man — understandably troubled-looking, since he’s (a) straddling the top of a giant cactus, and (b) looking down at three polka-dotted dogs climbing the cactus after him. Donated by Cheryl Davis.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either “The Wit Hit the Fan” or “Hardly Har-Har.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 16; results published March 8 (online March 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1110” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.

^ The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . .


The Empress serves as a handy stand for the skunk hat. She promises to freshen it up before sending it off to first runner-up Beverley Sharp. (Photo by Pie Snelson)
HAR TIMES AHEAD: NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2115

In Week 1106 the Empress asked for resolutions that you or someone else might make 100 years in the future. Dozens of Losers vowed to take an oceanside vacation on the Nevada coast, etc., as well as to get tickets for what’s being billed as the final Rolling Stones or Cher tour.

4th place:

I vow to put on my Grumpy Cat ears and take the family to MemeWorld. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

3rd place:

I resolve to finally learn how to get that blinking “12:00” off my video implant. (Stuart Denrich, Owings Mills, Md., a First Offender)

2nd place and the skunk hat:

I resolve that every single day, I will read both pages of The Washington Post. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

I’m going to take the family out to Skyline Drive to watch the tree change colors. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)

Lemon pledges: honorable mentions

We resolve to increase shareholder profits by reducing the stacking bench distance from 3 inches to 2.5 in all of our Economy Class travel pods. — DeltaUnitedAmerican Airlines (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

I won’t buy another bunch of replicants I don’t need on Cyborg Monday. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

I resolve to step down on the occasion of Little George’s 102nd-birthday Jubilee. — Elizabeth R (Carroll Reed, Centreville, Va.)

I resolve to stop nagging my car to pull over and ask for directions. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

I resolve not to make mocking cartoons of Prophet Bieber. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

I promise to start wearing some clothes when I enter other people’s dreams. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

I vow not to cross the street just because a couple of Venusian kids are wearing hoodies. (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

I will increase my birding life list to five. (Kevin Dopart)

No more drunk droning. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

I’m going to plant some azaleas and tulips to provide food for the endangered white-tailed deer. (Nancy Schwalb)

Dang! I’m lonesome. This century, I resolve to get out more. — Gabriel Garcia Márquez, Heaven (Beverley Sharp)

Even if no relatives come to visit, I’ll still take the kids into town to see the Museum of God’s Natural Creatures and the National Gallery of Pornography, Blasphemy and Heretical Idolatry. (Frank Mann, Washington)

I vow to try six new ways to serve cockroach loaf, so we can have a different meal every day of the week. (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.)

I will suggest to the Treasury that it’s really, really time to remove the penny from circulation. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

I’m going to be first in line when the D.C. streetcar route opens later this year. (Roy Ashley, Washington; Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.; Lee Mayer, Washington)

I resolve to commit the required number of criminal offenses so I can run successfully for the D.C. Council from Ward 8. — Marion Barry VI (Nan Reiner)

I vow to continue my great-grandfather’s valiant efforts to repeal Obamacare. — Rep. Skippy Boehner (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

This year, I resolve to eat only Diet Soylent Green. (Nan Reiner)

I resolve to exercise my First Amendment rights vigorously enough to be the winning bidder in at least 10 congressional elAuctions next year. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

This year I will not complain that we still don’t have flying cars. (Bill Landau, Potomac, Md., a First Offender; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

I’m going to enact the next phase of our national push for technological superiority by issuing a Walkman to each North Korean citizen. — Kim Jung Umpteen (Michael Greene, Richmond, Va.)

Having finally wearied of disguise, I resume my own identity to tell everyone where the dang thing is. — J. Ponce de Leon (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Once again I resolve to use the Orgasmatron only once a day. (Jeff Shirley; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

I vow to start taking better care of myself — I really don’t want to look 150 at 120. (George-Ann Rosenberg)

I will save enough money to get my spare head out of the pawnshop. (Steve Honley, Washington)

I vow to lose that last 50 and get back to my college weight of 425. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

I resolve to complete my definitive biography of the first president of the New Republic of Texas, Ted Cruz. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

I resolve to pillage neighboring walled compounds only if my own tribe dines on dust, or if I’m bored. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

I will follow Microsoft’s security recommendation and change my password every three minutes. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)

I resolve to stop playing Candy Crush after I beat level 2115. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.)

We resolve to conduct next year’s presidential campaign with all the dignity our ancestors would expect. — W.J. Clinton III and G. Bush XI (Mark Raffman)

I resolve to stop marrying heads that are too young for me. — the reanimated head of Larry King (Melissa Balmain)

Okay, this is the year when I’ll buy one of those smartphone things. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

I’m definitely going to redeem my unused PostPoints. (Roy Ashley)

I will continue to remain dead. — Francisco Franco (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

I resolve to stop telling those hurtful and denigrating “Yo Clone” jokes. (Beverley Sharp)

And Last: I’m going to try to get as much Style Invitational electrophoretic display material as Kevin Dopart IV. (George-Ann Rosenberg)

Still running — deadline Monday: Our contest for bogus Washington trivia. See bit.ly/invite1109.

Comments
Show Comments
Most Read Entertainment