Style Invitational Week 1090: Talk undirty to us, in a poem with a ‘rude-sounding’ word

Plus the winning neologisms playing on 12-letter words and phrases


(The peniaphobe, by Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
September 18

(Click here to skip down to this week’s winning neologisms based on 12-letter terms.)

My sister is truly a honey
But a *peniaphobe, as to money
So my sis sells her tail
To most anyone male
(Which is pretty ironically funny.)
*A peniaphobe is someone who’s afraid of penury, or of going broke

Aholehole * Aktashite * Assapanick * Assart * Bastinado * Boobyalla * Bum-bailiff * Bumfiddler * Bummalo * Clatterfart * Cock-bell * Cockchafer * Dik-dik * Dreamhole * Fanny-blower * Fartlek * Fuksheet * Gullgroper * Haboob * Humpenscrump * Invagination * Jerkinhead * Knobstick * Lobcocked * Nestle-cock * Nicker-pecker * Nobber * Nodgecock * Pakapoo * Peniaphobia * Penistone * Pershittie * Poonga * Sack-butt * Sexangle * Shittah * Skiddy-cock * Tetheradick * Tit-tyrant * Wankapin

What’s the matter with you, anyway, you creep? Why wouldn’t you assume that a fuksheet is an old term for the foremost sail on a ship, or that a shittah is a tree that’s mentioned in the Bible (plural: shittim)? The above perfectly wholesome terms, many of them archaic, are included in a list of “50 Words That Sound Rude but Actually Aren’t,” gathered by the British writer Paul Anthony Jones and published on the Web site MentalFloss. Some of them are plants and animals; some are machines; some are natural phenomena; and one is an Australian lottery. Fifty-seven-time Loser Ward Kay suggested to the Empress: How about a poetry contest with those words?

Indeed, such a contest is certainly in keeping with The Style Invitational’s erudite and sophisticated exploration of poetic forms and its use of obscure multisyllabic words; like the Miss America Pageant, we’re really all about scholarship. Very well: This week: Write a humorous poem in any form (no more than eight lines) that includes one or more of the words above; the word must make sense in the poem in its true meaning, as in the example above by Washington Post Children’s Poetry Consultant Gene Weingarten. (Of course, it might also make sense to someone with the wrong idea, as well.) You may use a related form of the word, as Gene did. See bit.ly/50rudewords to see Jones’s Mental Floss list and the definitions he cites.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives “The Klutz Book of Inventions,” which depicts 162 ingeniously doofy — actually doofily ingenious — ideas, including blinking Turn Signal Earrings (traffic signal-shaped) for pedestrians; the Inflato Hydrant to place by the curb to save yourself a parking spot; and Inflatable Booster Pants with a pump to push your behind up and out of a chair (yes, dear, I’m afraid they do make your butt look big). All with funny photos we can’t show you here because of copyright stuff. Donated by Pie Snelson.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel — both of whose limited-edition runs of 500 are almost gone). First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 29; results published Oct. 19 (online Oct. 16). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include “Week 1090” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

PLAYING THE DOZENS: NEOLOGISMS FROM WEEK 1086

In Week 1086, we asked you to:

●choose any 12-letter word or multi-word term;
●add or subtract one letter; switch the positions of two letters; or substitute one letter with another;
● and define the neologism you ended up with. (Spaces didn’t count.) So some of these words have 11 or 13 letters.

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

Saturated aft: Lots of junk in the trunk. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

2nd place and the non-Invite “You’re a Loser!” T-shirt

SOB McDonnell: “I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Some restrictions apply. Look out for the bus!” (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

3rd place

Cream of What: Now that school cafeterias are serving breakfast . . . (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

4th place

Whorehearted: With full sincerity and conviction, assuming the price is right. “The senator gave his whorehearted support to the plan to route the oil pipeline through the bald eagle sanctuary.” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

The twelves of never: honorable mentions

Denial Snyder: “Like that old guy said: What’s in a name?” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Nonfidential: Describing something private shared with just one Facebook “friend” . . . (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Prankincense: A stink bomb. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Machobiotics: A diet based on the four basic food groups: grease, beer, Red Bull, and stuff eaten on a dare for YouTube. (Brendan Beary)

Flips the Bard: Tells one off in iambic pentameter. “Forsooth, methinks yon sun don’t shine in there.” (Nan Reiner)

Cornversation: Get good at it, Gov. Perry; Iowa has 99 counties. (Jacob Aldridge, Brisbane, Australia, but clearly up on the American Midwest)

Prosti-tuition: What it’ll cost to have that nice lady on the corner teach you a thing or two. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Carbo dating: Dinner for two at the Olive Garden. (Melissa Balmain)

Bracketeering: Taking a little off the top from your company’s March Madness pool. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Zen and Jerry’s: mmmmmmmm (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Moanlighting: Making porn films in your spare time. (Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.)

Sindependence: Junior’s first year in the frat house. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Kindependence: For many millennials, the stage of life following college. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

Eat Humble Opie: Aunt Bee does the unexpected in the climactic scene of David Lynch’s horror flick “Mayberry RIP.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Shirtsighted: Describing a person who needs to be told, “My eyes are up here.” (Stephen Langer)

Sinflammation: “Onan’s wrist,” for example. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Laissez fair: Festival where people get together to leave each other alone. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Incopacitate: To render a suspect safely immobile by blowing holes in him. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

Rushproofing: Removing the knobs from your radio. (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)

Congratuplate: To buy lunch in lieu of a bonus. “Well, whoop-de-do: The boss rewarded me for landing that big account by congratuplating me at Chipotle.” (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

’Pittin’ image: Underarm stains. (Melissa Balmain)

Scantilevered: What the ballerina was when she danced in a Wonderbra. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Mallnourished: Existing on a diet of Sbarro and Cinnabon. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.; Kevin Dopart)

Brandparents: Blue Ivy’s and North West’s moms and dads. (Kevin Dopart)

InvisiBillity: Dems can’t agree whether Hillary needs more or less of this. (Melissa Balmain)

Rash Wednesday: The day after an overindulgent Mardi Gras. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Typoglycemic: “You’ve got low blood, sugar,” said the doctor. (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)

Despicable Moe: Unauthorized tell-all by Larry and Curly. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Urp and running: The early warning signs of too much burrito casserole. (Frank Osen)

Hackjammered: It’s late at night when your laptop seizes up and all of a sudden your debit card is buying a Lexus on eBay. You’ve been hackjammered. (Larry Neal)

Chickenshirts: People who take the ALS challenge in ponchos. (Frank Osen)

Costipation: A condition in which one’s wallet becomes lodged in one’s pocket when the check arrives at the table. (Rachel May Arusi, Tel Aviv)

Hot crass buns: The new Miley Cyrus tour. (Frank Osen)

Pledgehammer: What you’d like to use on the guy who calls for donations at dinnertime. (Steve Langer; Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario)

And Last: Lafterthought: The perfect Invitational entry you came up with right after the deadline. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

Still running — deadline Monday night: Our first contest ever using a word-search grid. See bit.ly/invite1089.

Next week’s results: The Core Ridiculum, or That Learning Sensation, our back-to-school contest for novel course descriptions. See bit.ly/invite1087.

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