Style Invitational Week 1066: Foaling Around: It’s our venerable horse-‘breeding’ contest
By Pat Myers,
Dunkin Bend x Big Tire = Mmm, Donuts
Our Caravan x Smack Smack = Sock Her, Mom!
Edison x Flat Gone = Deadison
We’re greeting print-Post readers this week from our new digs, snuggled against the crossword in the brand-new Arts & Style section, but we’re setting up our new quarters with familiar furnishings: It’s the 20th straight year of one of the most popular Style Invitational contests, one that usually draws several thousand entries, even though the purse is not exactly the $2 million up for grabs in this year’s Kentucky Derby; however, we offer a bobblehead, a hat, a bag, a mug and a stack of refrigerator magnets, while the derby won’t give the winners a single one of those. At the bottom of this page is a list of 100 of the 3-year-old racehorses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown events; your job is to “breed” any two of them and name the “foal” to reflect both names, as in the examples above. No, it doesn’t matter that virtually all — though not all-all — of the horses in the list are male (the filly Got Lucky doesn’t need to get that lucky). A name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, as in the real racehorse world, but we will allow one or more of the characters to be a punctuation mark or numeral. You may run words together to make the name fit if it’s simply hilarious, but the name still should be easy to read — see, we like people to read the Invite. Be sure not to misspell the original horse name in your entry, or the Empress might miss it when she searches on each horse’s name during the judging. As always, you may send as many as 25 entries, and they can all be on the same e-mail.
Winner gets not a blanket of roses but the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a genuine 2009 Kentucky Derby souvenir ballcap, donated by Loser Sam Laudenslager. The race that year, by the way, was won by the utter longshot Mine That Bird (Birdstone x Mining My Own), who retired two years later. But the 2009 Invite Derby was won by 371-time Loser and horse-naming specialist Jonathan Paul (Sir Phenomenal x Empire State = Knight Who Says NY), who, we wager, has already saddled up and headed for the starting gate once again.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 14; results published May 4 (online May 1, two days before Derby Day). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1066” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Dave Prevar; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column (posted late Thursday afternoon or early evening) discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
Report from Week 1063, ‘Same Difference’
Typically ingenious results this week to our perennial contest in which we posted a list of 16 random items and asked you to tell how any two were alike or different. Almost 20 people suggested that the difference between the Arizona legislature and a three-cupped bra is that the bra contains only three boobs.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
A Fleetwood Mac reunion vs. the Arizona legislature: One will have you singing “Don’t Stop”; the other will have you screaming, “Don’t! Stop!” (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.)
2nd place, winner of the matzo-printed toilet seat cover saying “Let My People Go”
A USB stick marked “Property of NSA” is valuable to a deserter;
XL jeggings are valuable to a desserter. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)
XL jeggings: Big waistband width.
Buzzfeed quizzes: Big bandwidth waste. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Paired down: honorable mentions
Bob Staake’s No. 2 pencils and the Arizona legislature: Both are guaranteed to come up with something patently ridiculous, but only one of them on purpose. (Lori Petterson, College Park, Md., a First Offender)
• And: One is used with discri-mination to draw gray lines; the other uses discrimination to draw gay lines. (Diane Wah, Seattle)
Adele Dazeem and the Arizona legislature: One was an honest mistake. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
Buzzfeed quizzes vs. a USB stick marked “Property of NSA”: The former shows you what you got on them; the latter shows you what they got on you. (Jeff Contompasis)
A three-cupped bra and XL jeggings: Both are top sellers at the Chernobyl Wal-Mart. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
West African fufu and a three-cupped bra: One is full of cassava; the other is full of casaba. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Both the Arizona legislature and a Sochi hotel think it’s fine to refuse to serve a West African fufu. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“Jeopardy!” champ Arthur Chu is a recipient of the show’s largess, while XL jeggings can accommodate a large . . . (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
April Fools’ Day: You can see right through that trick! The Human Barbie: You can see right through that chick! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
The polar vortex and Adele Dazeem: One is a legitimate name associated with “Frozen.” (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)
A three-cupped bra and the Human Barbie: Neither is what you’d call anatomically correct. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
The Human Barbie and a Sochi hotel: Both ought to put up a big “Vacancy” sign. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.; Heather Spence, New York)
Bellybutton lint vs. the Human Barbie: With one, there’s a bit of fluff stuck in your navel; with the other, it’s clinging to your arm. (Zoe Benfell, Mechanicsville, Md., a First Offender)
Sriracha Life Savers have more calories than the Human Barbie. And they’re hotter. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
April Fool’s Day and a USB stick marked “Property of NSA”: For some reason, the FBI didn’t think the two of them made sense together the way my client did. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)
The polar vortex and a “Property of NSA” stick: If you have one, you may be snowed in; if you have the other, you may be Snowden. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
Adele Dazeemand a three-cupped bra: Each may be evidence of one nip too many. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Arthur Chu stalked the Daily Double, while a three-cupped bra is the Bali Triple. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
A Sochi hotel and a three-cupped bra: With the first, you might not have enough doorknobs. (Danielle Nowlin)
Bellybutton lint and a USB stick marked “Property of NSA”: It’s safer to stick the lint into your PC. (Tom Panther, Springfield, Va.)
• And: The deeper you dig into either one, the funnier it smells. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)
Bob Staake’s No. 2 pencils vs. the Human Barbie: Staake’s pencils render the human form more realistically, even with bananas for noses. (Lawrence McGuire)
Buzzfeed quizzes vs. XL jeggings: You can use one to figure out what type of animal you are; with the other, you already know you’re a hippo. (Mark Raffman)
Bob Staake’s No. 2 pencils and a Sochi hotel: Each is a synonym for a dump. (Frank Osen)
Sriracha Life Savers and a Sochi hotel: If you try either one, carry a large supply of water. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.; Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)
A Fleetwood Mac Reunion and a Sochi hotel: You won’t be able to sleep at a Sochi hotel. (Rob Huffman)
A USB stick marked “Property of NSA”: Beware of malware. XL jeggings: Beware of malwear. (Jonathan Hardis)
West African fufu and the Arizona Legislature: One has, as its end, “f-u”; the other, as its end, to F.U. (Kelly Ronayne)
Next week’s results: HistoRebuffs, or Change You Can’t Believe In, our Week 1064 contest (or, as we called it, 1066 minus 2) to alter a moment in history and describe the effect.
The horse names to use for Week 1066
All Tied Up
Best Plan Yet
Cut the Net
Exit Stage Left
General A Rod
I Earned It Baby
I’ll Wrap It Up
Life Is a Joy
No Nay Never
Only I Know
Pax in Terra
Ride On Curlin
Toast of New York
Vicar’s In Trouble
We Miss Artie
Sources: The Downey Profile and Bloodhorse.com; special thanks to Losers Laura Bennett Peterson and Wilson Varga for alerting the Empress to late additions to and scratches from the list.